#The seven year old still likes the traditional girly colors

[l8rose]

My seven year old daughter loves Teen Titans and has liked the various versions for years.

While shopping with my mother, I stopped to pick up a blue-green shirt with the Teen Titans Go on the front. Which prompted my mother to state “That’s a boy shirt.”

Which of course had me explaining that her granddaughter likes the color and what’s on the front.

Again followed by “But that’s a boy shirt.”

So me being me, I retorted with “Where is the genitalia on the shirt?”

My mother was somewhere between horrified and amused but that’s how my daughter got her new favorite shirt she refuses to take off.

[captainvictoryboat]

Behind The Scenes 4 (8/?)

Author’s note: I have been writing more and OMG i filed out a 6th composition book and Behind The Scenes has officailly moved on to a 7th composition book.

This whole thing is in Jin’s pov so the italics are a flashback.

WARNINGS: physical abuse, alcohol

Word Count: 2562

Summary: Jin isnt handling things too well

ALL PARTS

He sat at his desk all alone in his dim, stuffy bedroom. It wasn’t too late in the night, only 9pm. Everything ended early and the first thing he did was lock himself in his room as he had the past few weeks. He could hear the voices of the younger ones out in the kitchen, laughing and bickering, but he wanted no part of it. Instead he stared down at his cellphone that lay lifeless on his desk.

He stared at his phone, waiting for it to ring. All he wanted was a call from Mina yelling at him for more money or to say how horrible of a person he was. He didn’t care what she hated about him all he wanted was a call from her that meant that he wasn’t completely cut off from Jinjin. Even if all he would hear was her telling him that he couldn’t see Jinjin anymore and would only get updates, that was all that mattered.

The last few nights he has called, texted, emailed and did just about anything to contact Mina. It wasn’t to apologize to her, but to try and talk to Jinjin, explain to his son that he wasn’t a monster. All efforts to speak to his ex failed. He was sure he wasn’t blocked by her, but he knew that she wasn’t opening his messages and just not responding to him at all. “The fact that she hasn’t blocked me has to be a sliver of hope in all this, right?”

Jin sat in his chair dreading the idea of not seeing Jinjin. He once went two years without seeing him and it almost broke him. He didn’t know if he could go through that again. If it weren’t for the busy schedule, he would try to go back to their house and check on him.

He looked back at the phone. The lack of notifications taunted him. he turned on the screen and dragged his finger to where he brought up Mina’s contact. The image of her stupid smiling face photoshopped with a mustache and horns stared back at him. “I need to try some more.” He told himself. Things probably won’t be any different, but it wouldn’t hurt to try.

He clicked her name and the call began. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. “Hi, you reached Mina. I can’t pick up but text me or give me a call later.” He called again. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. “Hi you reached Mina. I can’t pick up but-“ Again. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. “Hi you reached Mina-“ Again. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. “Hi you reached-“ he called again and again and again, but each time had the same results.

He sat in defeat, his sobbing face in his hands, fingers gripping into his scalp. It was no use. She wasn’t picking up and it was starting to drive him crazy. There was an ugly feeling inside him. He felt like he was going to throw up any second. He didn’t know what to do to make it go away.

“Maybe calling mom would help?” he thought. “Maybe she was able to get through to Jinjin.” He grabbed his phone and scrolled to her contact. Her smiling face made him feel warm inside. He pressed talk and within two rings she picked up.

“Hello?” her soft voice asked

“Hey mom, it’s me again.” Jin tried to cover up the fact that he had been crying.

“Oh Seokjin.” And there is was. That disappointed tone. She had been speaking to him like that for a while now. Jin hated it, it always made him feel like he was shit. No matter what he did he couldn’t bring back her sing song voice.

“How have you been?”

“The same.” Her voice was so cold and empty. It really hurt the way she spoke at him. Mother’s weren’t supposed to be this way. She was never this way with him, not before Mina.

“Have you been able to get ahold of her?” he was almost scared to ask. The last thing he did was want to bring her into their drama again but he felt he had no other choice.

“…Yes, a few days ago.”

“You did? Why didn’t you tell me? What did she say? Did you get to talk to Jinjin? Have you told her to answer my calls?”

She let out a long sigh. “She wanted me to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“… She wants you to leave her and Jinjin alone. There is no point in bothering them anymore, Jinjin wants nothing to do with you. She doesn’t want your money or anything else from you. She and Jinjin left the house. She didn’t tell me where, but don’t try calling them either because she is going to change her number.”

He felt his heart stop. “wha- wh- what?”

“You really fucked things up this time.” she spat.

“Mom!”

“What? You expect me to sit here and feel bad for you? You really want me to take your side in this?!? Do you think that I am really want her or Jinjin around someone like you?”

“What do you mean like me?”

“You’’re just like your father!”

Jin’s hand slammed down on the desk. “I am nothing like him!”

“You are exactly like him! I thought that after everything we went through that you wouldn’t-” she let out another sigh. “I don’t know where I went wrong with you.”

“Mom!”

“You know better than to treat others the way you do!”

He opened his mouth to defend himself but nothing came out.

“Seokjin, as you mother, I love you with all my heart, but there are some things i can’t overlook and this is one of them. For the sake of Jinjin and Mina, I hope they never see you again. If only I did the same back-“

That’s when he hung up on her. He gripped on to the phone as he began to cry again. His nose was too runny, he couldn’t breathe. Everything inside him was hurting. He felt like he was dying. He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t. He was too aware of the others out in the dorm. Instead, he gripped onto his phone tighter and began hammering it into his desk. He smashed it harder and harder as he sobbed silently. The bangs of the cellphone were probably just as loud as if he would have screamed, but pounding sounds would keep other others away unlike bloodcurdling cries. He could feel the screen giving out. He heard the crack and soon felt the tiny shards digging into his palm. It wasn’t until a single drop of blood landed on his desk that he threw the cellphone across the room. “I am not like him.”

-

Little seven year old Jin stood in his most favorite room in the entire house, the kitchen. Unlike other boys his age who loved their bedroom because “that’s where the toys are”, Jin loved the kitchen because that is where the food was made.

He was sitting down at the table doing his homework as mom moved all over in search of some aprons.

“Ah-ha!” she smiled as she found her two pink aprons hiding under the sink. She slid one on and then went over to him. “Here you go sweetie!”

“But it’s pink. That’s a girl color!”

“Oh please, you look adorable in pink! Plus, if you don’t put this on, I wont let you make the cake.”

He stared at the girly apron. He hated it, but what else could he do about it? The last thing he wanted to do was break the birthday tradition. He did a small eye roll and put it on (all by himself, he didn’t even need to mom to remind him how to tie it). His mother’s apron was still too big for him, the hem almost reaching the floor.

“Oh don’t you look so cute!” she quealed as she pinched his cheek, “Let’s get started. What flavor does the birthday boy want?”

“Chocolate!”

“Sounds great! Let’s get everything.”

His mom went over to the taller cabinets for the small stuff and he scurried to the lower levels to gather the bowls like the strong boy he was. They rendezvoused  back to the table and further prepared for the task ahead of them.

Just as they were about to start mixing, Jin heard the front door open followed by a familiar jingle of keys. “Dad!”

He jumped off his seat and ran to the door. “Daddy!”

There at the entrance of the home stood his father, hunching over to place down his suitcase. Jin went for the knees and hugged both his father’s legs as tight as he could.

“Hi seokjin.” His dad said with the huff from almost being knocked over.

“Hi dad!”

Jin could feel his father’s hands hooking under his arms and soon he was lifted in to the air.

“Dad, since it is my birthday, mom and I are going to make cake! Your going to eat some right?!?”

His father’s dry lips kissed the top of his head. “Oh for sure Seokjin, especially since you are going to make it!” his words sounded cheerful, but his face didn’’t show it.

Now in his arms, being carried towards the kitchen, Jin studied his father’s face. Greasy creased forehead, tired eyes, slightly messy hair. Yup, that was his dad and not some evil clone like he saw in the movie last night.

“Why don’t you help us make the cake? Making cake is fun!”

“Not this time, daddy is too tired today.” He mumbled as he walked into the kitchen. “Hi Jagi.” He said to his wife.

“Oh finally you are home!.” She went up to him opening her arms to give him a hug, a kiss being the second part of her greeting.

“Ew!” Jin gagged when he saw their lips touch. “Dad now you have cooties!”

His dad looked down at him and before Jin could figure out why his face was coming so close, his dad’s lips once again landed on his head. “Now you have them too!”

“No!” he squealed and squirmed.” Immediately he wiped away the germ infest slobber that was in his haIr.

His father let out a chuckle and that was when he set jin back down, setting him free to wander about.

His mother’s smile quickly disappear when she saw her husband walking towards the fridge. “How was work?” her voice was softer now

His father said nothing as he dug into the fridge, eventually pulling out a six pack.

“That bad huh?”

“I’ll be in front of the tv if anyone needs me.” His father said before he left the room.

Jin could see his mother fidgeting with her fingers, her lips tightened, the creases on her forehead grew deeper, her eyes widening. She always did that when ever she saw his dad with beer. “Awesome, she isn’t a clone either!”

As if a switch went off in her head, his mother’s face brightened up again. “Why don’t we get started on the cake.

Back to the battle plan, they worked together to get everything done. “Ok remember, dry with dry, wet with wet, then mix it all together for the perfect set!” she recited as she whisked the soon to be delicious concoction together.

“So how was school today?”

“It was fun! It was career day!”

“Really? Who went to your school?”

“Uuuuuuh, a doctor, a police man and a fire man and a chef and , uh, a nurse, and um, I forgot.”

“That’s so interesting! What did you think? Do you want to be like any of them?”

“Nah!”

“No? Why?”

“I want to be an actor! That way I can be all of them in different movies!”

Her smile widened. “Oh my baby is going to be such a handsome actor! I can see you face on posters already!”

He loved seeing his mothers reaction, now he wanted to see what his dad thought. “I’m gonna go tell dad!” he said as he jumped off the chair that allowed him to reach the counter.

“Seokjin, wait!”

He ignored his mothers words and ran for the living room. He followed the sound of the tv until he spotted his father on the couch.  He was quick to jump over the the five empty cans and made it to his fathers side with ease.

“Dad!”

“Uh?” his father didn’t look at him, he was too busy watching tv

“daddy, we had carreer day today! I want to be an actor when I grow up!”

Unlike the encouraging words his mom gave him, his father had a different reaction. The man’s lead hand slapped him across the face.

Jin let out a scream the second he felt the pain of thousands of needles sting his cheek

“No son of mine if going to be an actor!” his fathers tone remained groggy. “you’re going to be like me. You’re gonna have a real job.”

Jin continued to cry as the pain on his face intensified. No matter how hard he held his cheek, the throbbing wouldn't go away.

“Shut up! I cant hear the tv!” He father screamed. Again his heavy hand flew through the air and Jin was struck in the temple. He fell to the ground in a daze and the pain worsened.

“don’t hit him!” jin was able to make out his mother’s voice over his cries.

The tv turned off and his father stood up. “What did you just say?” he growled

Through his blurry vision, Jin could see his mothers feet in between him and his father. “I said don’t hit him!” she said with more authority

“he is my son and I do whatever I want to him!”

Jin witnessed his father push his mom to the side. Her tiny frame went flying, knocking into the book shelf. Jin felt his body being lifted up ,only to be knocked down again by a blow to the gut. Suddenly there was a fist coming at him and soon he felt pain all over. There was too much going on, he couldn’t process anything . all he could gather was his father’s enraged face and his crying mom trying to pry off this beast of a man. Jin was wrong. The man in his home wasn’t his father, just a monster that looked like him.

-

Three black eyes, a broken nose (that would later get fixed with plastic surgery), a broken wrist, and bruises upon bruises scattered from head to toe. Those were the injuries sustained from the first attack Jin could remember. Even after all these years he wasn’t able to erase that day from his head.

“Pft! “Evil clone” my ass”. He mumbled at that stupid coping mechanism of his youth. That being the only way his small mind could understand the asshole his father was “I’m not like him.”

Jin wiped away the last of the tears that ran down his face. He walked out of the room and to the next. His strong hand knocked on the heavy door at the end of the hall.

He waited patiently until Rap monster opened the door. His leader looked at him with an expressionless faces. “What do you want?” he asked with an annoyed tone

“I need a favor.”

*my next “update” might not be the next part. I think i am going to put together a playlist of songs that either inspired me to write certain scenes or songs that related to the story. Idk why i want to post it i just really want to haha. Just a small heads up that the next title/ the next thing i add to the masterlist might not be the next scene.

[kayluh1915]

103 (?) Questions Answered.

I know this isn’t how this “game” works, but I had him on my mind and I needed a distraction. So, here’s 103 questions about me answered... I think. I’m pretty sure I numbered it wrong somewhere, but I don’t have the mental strength to fix it right now. Enjoy all of this completely useless information! It helped me forget, at least for a while.

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify.

2. Is your room messy or clean? Clean…ish... most of the time...

3. What color are your eyes? Sea foam blue-green.

4. Do you like your name? why? Yes. IDK, I guess it just sounds pretty.

5. What is your relationship status? Engaged.

6. Describe your personality in 3 words or less. Witty, absent minded, empathetic.

7. What color hair do you have? Dark Brown.

8. What kind of car do you drive? color? I don't have a car yet.

9. Where do you shop? Walmart mostly.

10. How would you describe your style? Girly casual.

11. Favorite social media account? Tumblr.

12. What size bed do you have? Queen.

13. Any siblings? One blood younger bother and one adopted younger sister.

14. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Why? Japan because I love their culture.

15. Favorite Snapchat filter? It’s an old one and I don’t think it’s there anymore, but the butterfly crown.

16. Favorite makeup brand(s)? Maybelline and Covergirl. I don’t like to spend a lot of money on makeup.

17. How many times a week do you shower? Three to four.

18. Favorite TV show? Avatar: The Last Airbender.

19. Shoe size? 7½ US

20. How tall are you? 5’0

21. Sandals or sneakers? Sandals!

22. Do you go to the gym? Occasionally. Been meaning to start going more.

23. Describe your dream date A day in Disney or Hawaii.

24. How much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? Bold of you to assume I have money at all.

25. What color socks are you wearing? I'm barefoot at the moment.

26. How many pillows do you sleep with? Only one. I hate a crowded bed.

27. Do you have a job? What do you do? Currently unemployed at the moment due to certain circumstances.

28. How many friends do you have? I have a lot of friends, but only about six or seven close ones.

29. What’s the worst thing you have ever done? I used a guy’s feelings for me to get free food. I know that sounds bad, but they were aware that I was dating my fiancé and they were supposed to be getting married themselves, but still continued to try and pursue me anyway. Figured I may as well get a Big Mac and some Pepsi out of it.

30. Whats your favorite candle scent? Vanilla!

31. Three favorite boy names? Eric, Mason, and Xander.

32. Three favorite girl names? Brielle, Brooklyn, and Scarlett.

33. Favorite actor? Adam Driver.

34. Favorite actress? Jennifer Lawrence.

35.Who is your celebrity crush? Well, I just found out that he’s secretly been a manipulative monster all this time… so no one right now.

36. Favorite movie? Titanic.

37. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book? I hardly ever read “traditional” literature, but among the ones I have read my favorites are Hatchet and Bud not Buddy.

38. Money or brains? Brains.

39. Do you have a nickname? What is it? Usually just Kay. My Papaw used to call me Booch. I don’t know where he got it or why he called me that, but he did. He passed away in 2013, though, so no one calls me that anymore.

40. How many times have you been to the hospital? Admitted? About 5 or 6 times. Visited? More than I can count.

41. Top 10 favorite songs? These change on a regular basis, but for now they are:

43.Do you take any medications daily? I take a total of 4 medications every night before bed

44. What is your skin type (oily, dry, etc)? Combination.

45. What is your biggest fear? This is going to sound childish, but the dark. Well, I guess it’s not actually the dark its self that scares me, it’s knowing that there could be something standing less than five feet in front of you and you’d have no way of knowing. It’s more of what could be hiding in the dark than the actual dark.

46. How many kids do you want? Zero, zip, nadda.

47. Whats your go to hair style? Braid for a day or two then down until I wash my hair again.

48.What type of house do you live in? Small-medium apartment.

49. Who is your role model? I really look up to my old band teacher a lot. He always has something inspiring to say and makes you feel like you can conquer the world.

50. What was the last compliment you received? I was told that I was super kind and sweet.

51. What was the last text you sent? “Well, if I ever play it with you you’ll get to hear me freaking the fuck out. 😂😂😂”- Sent to my buddy James when he told me about Phasmophobia.

52. How old were you when you found out Santa wasn’t real? My mom never told us that Santa was real to begin with. She felt like lying to us was wrong so she just… told us straight up.

53. What is your dream car? Just your typical, modern Chevy or Nissan. I don’t really want anything flashy, just something that can get me from point A to point B in comfort.

54. Opinion on smoking? I've lost three of my four grandparents to smoking induced lung cancer. One of those was my Mamaw who I watched cough up her lungs through a tube when I was only six. Don’t fucking do it.

55. Do you go to college? I did at one point. Hoping to return one day.

56. What is your dream job? Running my own YouTube channel or marching band… or both. Being an Achievement Hunter doesn’t sound like a bad gig either.

57. Would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? Suburbs. People love the rural lifestyle until they hear about these new, hip things like Uber, Grub Hub, on time delivery, and fast internet.

58. Do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Are you… not supposed to?

59. Do you have freckles? Nope.

60. Do you smile for pictures? Usually, yes.

61. How many pictures do you have on your phone? 570. Had a shit ton more, but I backed them up to my Google account and freed up a bunch of space.

62. Have you ever peed in the woods? I grew up in the middle of redneck county where camping is an extension of one's self… of course I have.

63. Do you still watch cartoons? ...Duh?

64. Do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonald's? Mick D's!

65. Favorite dipping sauce? Ranch or honey mustard.

66. What do you wear to bed? Panties and a large nightshirt.

67. Have you ever won a spelling bee? Hell no. I can spell, but not unless I’m writing it.

68. What are your hobbies? Playing the trumpet, singing, sewing, writing, cooking, and video games.

69. Can you draw? Can pigs fly?

70. Do you play an instrument? Yes! I play trumpet (as mentioned earlier), flute, and piano.

71.What was the last concert you saw? I've never been to a concert unless you consider all the choir and band concerts I've participated in over the years.

72. Tea or coffee? Coffee.

73. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? Starbucks.

74. Do you want to get married? Currently engaged, so yes.

75. What is your crush’s first and last initial? WI

76. Are you going to change your last name when you get married? Yes.

78. What color looks best on you? Red.

79. Do you miss anyone right now? Oof… too soon… Well, I miss the person I thought he was, not him... does that count?

80. Do you sleep with your door open or closed? Open. If my cats can’t sleep with me, they bring hell.

81. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes… and no. It’s hard to explain.

82. What is your biggest pet peeve? Someone telling me to go do something when I'm already doing it or was on my way to do it.

83. Last person you called? The fiancé.

84. Favorite ice cream flavor? Moose Tracks or Vanilla.

85. Regular Oreo's or golden Oreo's? Regular double stuffed or nothing.

86. Chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? Rainbow.

87. What shirt are you wearing? My old marching band shirt.

89. What is your phone background?

Created by this artist.

90. Are you outgoing or shy? Depends on situation. If I'm comfortable, I'm outgoing. If I’m not, I'm quiet and shy.

91. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Yes, but my hair is curly and it frizzes up when people run their fingers through it so no.

92. Do you like your neighbors? Yeah, they’re okay.

93. Do you wash your face? At night? In the morning? I wash my face every night before bed.

94. Have you ever been high? Nope.

95. Have you ever been drunk? Yes.

96. Last thing you ate? Homemade air-fried popcorn chicken. Made it myself and it was delicious.

97. Favorite lyrics right now? “It’s OK not to be OK.”

98. Summer or winter? Summer!

99. Day or Night? Night!

100. Dark, milk, or white chocolate? Milk!

101. Favorite month? June.

102. What is your zodiac sign? Gemini.

103. Who was the last person you cried in front of? The fiancé.

[hibiscusangel15]

Thirty Question Ask Meme

Tagged by @jouleia! Thanks, dude!

one. how tall are you?

5′1″ lmao I’m short af. :’(

two. what color and style is your hair?

Black, straight, medium-length, I guess? It ends just past my shoulders and my part is all over the place lol. 

three. what color are your eyes?

Dark brown.

four. do you wear glasses?

Yeah.

five. do you wear braces?

...Yeah, Invisalign ones. I got them just last year because I’ve had this gap between my front teeth since I was a kid because I didn’t believe people when they said wiggling your loose tooth would make your teeth crooked, so.... Thanks, seven year old me.

six. what is your fashion style?

Usually jeans and a t-shirt, with a jacket or hoodie thrown on that in winter.

seven. any freckles/moles/beauty marks?

Moles, yeah. One beauty mark on my face.

eight. when were you born?

June 28, 1996

nine. how old are you?

20 (holy shit i’m gonna be 21 this year halp)

ten. where do you live?

California, near the Sacramento area

eleven. do you have siblings?

Three younger sisters. I’m the oldest, but everyone thinks my younger sister born after me is the oldest lol.

twelve. do you go to school?

Yeah. I’m a junior and and English major at Sac State.

thirteen. what kind of student are you?

That one quiet, awkward kid who people think is smart af but is really a clueless, little shit making things up as she goes along. Procrastinating master. I will avoid doing essays until absolutely necessary, and even then, I will go on Tumblr or find something else to do. I study both too much and not enough.

fourteen. what are your favorite tv shows?

...Does anime/cartoons count because I have a long af list.... The only other shows I like that aren’t animated are The Walking Dead (I’m not caught up with Season 7, though), Criminal Minds, and Scorpion.

Recently, I just finished watching the first season of Boku no Hero Academia, Erased, and I’m currently watching Mob Psycho 100.

fifteen. favorite past time?

Writing, reading, listening to music, watching movies/anime/cartoons/Youtube videos (recently, I’ve been watching I Hate Everything. He’s so great. If you like sarcastic humor, you’ll like him. Basically, I need more people t talk to about him, so please watch his vids and talk to me about them), playing video games, and drawing.

sixteen. what is your dream job?

I’m trying to become an editor for fiction books, but I would be ecstatic if I could be a financially stable author one day, too.

seventeen. would you like to get married one day?

Yeah.

eighteen. would you like kids one day?

Maybe? idk.

nineteen. girly girl or tomboy?

Tomboy af.

twenty. do you like shopping?

At cons, yeah, lol

twenty-one. what countries have you visited so far?

Just the Philippines. I would like to visit more someday.

twenty-two. what’s the scariest nightmare you’ve had?

I’ve had several zombie apocalypse dreams that were pretty freaky. I hate the idea of being in a zombie apocalypse situation, but I really like The Walking Dead??? idk man.

Anyway, one of the scariest dreams that I had was when I was 10. I was in my great aunt’s old house in the dream. For some reason, they were going somewhere, and they had left me alone in their house. Out of nowhere, it gets really dark and a bunch of long, dark hair starts spilling from cracks in the ceiling, and suddenly, that one ghost from the Grudge is in the house and is crawling after me, and I can’t get out of the house for some reason.

I remember waking up completely paralyzed with fear, and that dream still haunts me today.

twenty-three. do you have enemies?

My anxiety, lol “Enemies” is a pretty cheesy way to put it, but there are definitely people irl that I absolutely despise.

twenty-four. do you have a significant other?

Nope.

twenty-five. if not, do you want one? eventually?

Yeah, I think it’d be nice. I mean, it sounds nice.

twenty-six. are you open about your feelings?

Depends on the person I’m talking to, tbh. I can be kinda open about my feelings online, but I usually end up deleting posts that get to be too much.

twenty-seven. what’s your family like?

My mom and dad are pretty weird and funny (like we all have inside jokes with each other that are practically memes lmao). They can be kinda strict, and they have some “traditional” views I don’t agree with, so I don’t talk about those topics with them. Both my parents work in the Bay Area, my dad as a machinist, my mom as a nurse, so my sisters and I don’t see them home every day. In fact, we only see my dad on the weekends or holidays or random days he gets to come home early. They both tend to talk while we’re in the middle of doing something and they tend to repeat things they’ve already said on top of that, which can get irritating, especially if I’m trying to think.

My three younger sisters and I all like the same things, pretty much. I have two sisters still in high school (one of which is gonna graduate this year), and one in middle school. The sister born after me irritates me a lot, but we also can understand each other with a look. Like we exchange glances and just know. Because she’s taller than me, a lot of people assume she’s the older one, lol.

My younger sister after her can be kind of clueless about things, but she’s also very caring and passionate about the things she likes, which I admire ‘cause I was not even like that at fifteen, lol.

My youngest sister is a complete savage in that she has the most beautifully sarcastic quips for anything. It’s so funny that a freaking twelve year-old delivers all these great one-liners. I even ask her for comebacks in my fics when I need them ‘cause I’m not the best at comebacks. 

My grandma that lives with us doesn’t understand much English, and my sisters and I don’t speak any Tagalog or Ilocano, so there’s a really obvious language gap. It doesn’t help that she has hearing problems, either. But she helps around the house a lot and helps us when she can, which is nice. We’re not very close, though.

My uncle that recently came from the Philippines is much the same way as my grandma. He does know more English than her, though, and he likes to randomly burst out in song when he’s bored, which took some getting used to because no one else in my immediate family does that.

My pet bunny Chappy is an albino (we’re not sure what breed she is exactly since she was given to my dad by his coworker). She’s getting pretty chubby ‘cause we spoil her with fruit and food, and she’s both super lazy and super mischievous. When we try to get her to exercise, she’ll just lie down on our carpet instead, and when we’re not paying attention, she’ll try to hop upstairs and go to places she clearly knows she’s not supposed to go.

And she’ll look you dead in the eye when you yell “No!” and do it anyway, lmao. I love her so much. She’s the cutest thing in existence.

This pic is almost two years old, but look at her:

twenty-eight. would you date someone your family didn’t approve of?

It depends? If I like them enough and know what kind of person they really are, then maybe?

twenty-nine. any pet peeves?

I hate it when people touch me without permission, even with people I know. I know there are probably more because I get annoyed really easily, but I can’t think of any rn?

thirty. do you believe in astrology?

No, but it’s fun to look up my sign and see what results I get on stuff, lol.

Tagging (if you want to do this): @leviprime, @luna-of-legend, @tsunemorichan, @voiceactresskurutta, @belcherchild, @two-braiins, @penileqweef

[elizabethmhstuff-blog]

My transgender story so far

Hello again internet! This post is very deeply personal, and I’m making myself really emotionally vulnerable revealing some very private details about my life. I’ve anxiously re-read this post many times, fixing it up here and there, over and over again. So, the big news with my life is: about two months ago I realized that I am transgender. When I first started thinking about if I could be transgender I wrote out a list of reasons the idea made sense, to share with trans friends for feedback and with my therapist. Most of this post will be those thoughts, edited a lot from when I first wrote them down.

The story of how I started thinking about possibly being transgender I think is kind of interesting and different. I had pretty much never considered the idea actually until about two months ago, so at twenty-seven years old (and included below are some thoughts I had about why it happened so late). What started me thinking, very much out of nowhere, about if I could be trans was basically playing with filters on Snapchat, ones that add feminine effects to your face (blush, lipstick, eyelashes), and at first just enjoying getting nice comments on social media about them, but after posting them a few times realizing that the pictures made me feel nice in a deep, emotional and also physical way. From there I quickly started connecting those thoughts to a lot of things I’d observed about myself, and did a lot of reading online about transgender people’s experiences with realizing they were trans. And within about half a week the idea of being trans felt very real and solid.

~~~~~

My main evidence for knowing I am transgender is probably that I feel much more right and comfortable, and much more able to feel happy, thinking of myself and living as a woman. A lot of other thoughts I’ve come up with as evidence have to do with having for a long time felt strong positive feelings around femininity/femaleness, and strong negative feelings about masculinity/maleness, in deeply emotional and also physical ways. A note about the list below: I think the point is not that there can be any checklist that can say someone is transgender, but rather, that I came to recognize a pattern of wanting connection with femininity and feeling unhappiness about masculinity. I think explaining why I mostly hadn’t thought about this possibility until this late, at twenty-seven years old, involves a number of different factors having to do with associating my feelings about femininity and masculinity with my strong beliefs around gender equality and feminism, and also with associating those feelings with my romantic and sexual attraction to women.

~~~~~

Some details about reasons I think I am transgender:

A. Thinking of and expressing myself as a woman gives me a happiness that I feel like I have always been missing: a comfortable, exciting happiness.

B. I have for a long time always felt a strong need to spend time with and be around women, in a way that went beyond attraction; being around women often can feel really right for me, and being around men can feel wrong somewhat.

- I have always felt very uncomfortable in (men’s) locker rooms and bathrooms; I remember feeling more comfortable in mixed-sex ones in college.

- Being alone feels more ok and less deeply painful thinking of myself as a woman; it’s possible that I deeply wanted to be around women partly because I wanted to be close to femininity.

C. Negative feelings about masculinity, in myself and in other people

- I’ve often felt very awkward about displaying masculine body language, despite regularly being encouraged to physically act more masculine by parents and relatives; I’ve also been very awkward physically in general.

- I have very negative feelings about stereotypically masculine traits: confidence, aggressiveness, ambition, assertiveness, in myself or in others

- Sometimes it seems like how I feel doesn’t match how I physically react: it’s often hard for me to laugh, or express happiness, excitement, affection.

- I’ve had negative feelings about noticing ways my body is masculine, particularly in contrast to women’s bodies.

- I previously thought I had these feelings just because I strongly wanted to go against gender norms, and also because I have strong negative feelings about my dad having a terrible, poisonous personality in traditional masculine, patriarchal ways.

D. Positive feelings about femininity

- I feel like I have and prioritize expressing stereotypically feminine personality traits: being empathetic, kind, thoughtful, self-aware, careful, nurturing, perfectionistic.

- I have strong, specific positive feelings about details about women like their figures, softness, curves, clothes, physicality.

- Have often thought about things associated with femininity, like physical features, personality traits, clothing, friendships and romantic relationships between women, to an obsessive degree.

- Also small things like girly colors, designs, etc.

E. In sexual experiences (only with women so far) I’ve really enjoyed giving my partners pleasure, but felt uncomfortable with and not really interested in getting (physical) pleasure myself; I’ve also often had feelings of wrongness/regret/anxiety around masturbating.

- Alone, my sexual fantasies have mostly been about lesbian relationships/sex, female masturbation, female pleasure generally; I’ve felt somewhat uncomfortable about male pleasure.

- I previously thought this was just because I disliked the usual gender dynamics around heterosexuality, i.e. the focus typically being on the man’s pleasure.

- I also thought this had to do with sexual side effects from antidepressants and depression.

~~~~~

Why did this thought and realization only occur to me so recently, and so suddenly?

- Especially surprising because I’ve long felt very comfortable and familiar with transgender issues, politics, experiences, and have had close transgender friends going back pretty far.

- I assumed my feelings about masculinity and femininity were just about my political views about gender, and about my attraction to women, and also about strong negative feelings about my dad having a terrible, poisonous personality in traditionally patriarchal, masculine ways

- I have lived in socially liberal environments my whole life, with strong emphases on gender equality in a kind of literal way, and on trying to work against gender roles, so growing up I generally didn’t think much about gender on a personal level.

- I’ve really struggled with thinking about my own happiness and desires, in general in all parts of my life, for a long time (because of upbringing, anxieties, obsessiveness).

- I may possibly have thought of women as generally above and better than me, because of negative feelings about my own value and virtue.

- I mostly saw white, black, and sometimes latina trans women in media and around me; my main image of Asian trans women was probably the stereotype of young trans sex workers that rich men seek out in poor Asian countries. Also, going from being close to many, sometimes mostly Asian people growing up, to being close to very few as an adult, I somewhat associated Asian women with the specific kind of ambitious, high-achieving people in my community growing up that I now feel very distant from.

- Also I probably developed from an early age some general internalized transphobia and feelings of disgust around trans women from books and other reading, and also movies and TV.

- I grew up under heavy pressure to conform, fit in, and not upset other people by doing things differently (except with academic success), training me to not even consider trying things that were too different; I later started to reject that as a young adult.

~~~~~

More minor points:

A. I strongly prefer listening to music made by women or with women singers

B. memory of being in middle school and wearing a pink wig my friend had brought for a costume, and sitting in a girly, kind of Japanese way, on knees like kneeling but with feet out to sides, and feeling nice about that

C. I’ve often picked female characters in video games

D. I was planning to study nursing (after finishing my Human Biology undergraduate degree), and the fact that nurses are mostly women was appealing to me (I thought because I would be going against gender norms).

E. Transitioning would probably be easier for me than for most people, at least in terms of having support from friends, being at a mature age, and living in a relatively socially progressive area; of course I still expect transitioning in general to be hugely difficult, psychologically and socially. ~~~~~ Thanks for reading! I am really pretty nervous about how people will judge this, to be honest!

[obsidianarchives]

Black Woman Creator: Alana Ladson

Alana Ladson Art is adding more color, melanin, and vibrancy to the world with beautiful pieces of art! Alana Ladson Art caters to adding more diversity and curls to the art world by making affordable prints, pins, paintings & stickers of beautiful diverse people of color and more. Each piece is is aimed to make the viewer smile & feel happy, blessed and peaceful! We spoke with Alana about her art and creating.

Black Girls Create: What do you create?

I would say I create Black Girl Magic. I create beauty, I create a mirror for people to look at themselves in. I’m a nerd and I’ve always liked whimsical things, colors, butterflies, flowers, all types of girly things. I feel like I didn’t get enough of that when I was younger and I feel like there’s still not enough of it out there, of women of color just being beautiful and enjoying things and being soft and happy, so I guess I create happiness.

BGC: What made you want to move past consumption and into creating?

I was always a person who took things into my own hands. I don’t like waiting for people or things to happen. I feel like if you don’t see what you want to see, then you have to create it. I always said to myself, when I was younger I wanted to be a fashion designer or a veterinarian - which have nothing to do with each other - but best believe if I wanted it, I would’ve manifested it. That was always in my plan, to just do the things that I wanted to do, create the things that I wanted to see. Because if you don’t do it, no one’s ever going to have your perfect vision of what you want. You just have to go out there and do it. So that’s what I’ve been doing.

BGC: What made you get into graphic design?

I’ve been drawing for a really long time. Ever since I was two years old I was drawing little stick people, and they had no likeness whatsoever. Which is why practice makes perfect. I’ve always been into the traditional style of drawing. Since digital drawing is not that old yet, when I first discovered it - I used to go on this site called deviantart, and look at the artists and see what they did and was like, “Oh my God, I’ve gotta step my game up.” At first, I didn’t know it was digital drawing, I thought it was traditional, so it was intimidating. But when I found out I could do the same thing, I immediately tried to get on it, and I didn’t know how to use Photoshop at first, I couldn’t even change the color on a paintbrush. But I’ve always been doing traditional, but digital just started a couple of years ago, and I practiced Photoshop, Illustrator, and drawing on my iPad and I got better at it, so I was able to make a business out of it about two years ago.

BGC: Who or what inspires you to do what you do?

My mom and my dad, even my brother, who’s a lot younger than me. They push me a lot, and they tell me things that, you know, I may not want to hear. They tell me the truth. They make sure that I’m on track, doing the right thing, but also they support my dream. My mom has always been a strong woman. She does so much, it really inspired me to go out there, because I have a job and I do my art on the side. It really inspired me to go out there and do both.

BGC: How do you balance creating with the rest of your life?

It can be hard sometimes but I find that I have to I allow myself to take some time for me.  And I gotta tell you, comparison is the killer of all happiness, I don’t know who said that, but it’s so true on all levels. Like if you look at someone who sleeps five hours a day and you’re sleeping seven, you might say to yourself “oh man, I’m sleeping way too much.” I try not to do that, I try to let those things go, and take care of me the way that I need to be taken care of, whether that’s extra sleep or taking naps or getting a latte while I’m on break. You just have to do you, that’s how I keep a balance. Taking care of myself and making sure I talk to other people, because I can definitely be a bit of a hermit crab. It’s hard to push yourself, but a lot of the times it’s so worth it.

BGC: Why is it important as a black person to create?

It’s tough when you don’t see a lot of people that look like you in so many different spaces. When I was little, I’d watch TV and I’d watch cartoons, which were the only thing I liked, so you can cut out any real-world shows right now, because I didn’t watch them. I watched The Proud Family and I loved the show, but I still kind of felt like there wasn’t anyone who captured me, and I felt that way in so many different realms, like magazines, books, TV shows. When I was younger, I didn’t even get into the people who created them, because to me it was just content and I was just looking at it. Now that I’m looking into the people who create things, there’s still not a lot of people who look like me out there. I feel like if someone’s going to do something, then it might as well be me. What’s stopping me from creating the stuff that I want to create? That’s why It’s important for me because I’m black, I like creating cool stuff, I’ll do it, why not?

BGC: Do you have any advice for young creators or ones who are just starting?

My advice is to start, just do it. It’s just one thing after another when you start to really question yourself. Don’t jump into things blindly, but it’s a good idea to just push yourself to do what you want to do, instead of asking a million questions like “are people going to like this?” “is anyone going to find this interesting?” “what am i going to do?”.  Just do something really small, and see how you like it, and then build upon what you did. And then you can start building an audience, creating more content. Things just flow along after you take that first step.

BGC: Do you have any future projects?

Definitely. I’ve got one book that I’m working on based on fattyuni.com. That’s a little fat unicorn that I made. It’s like my child. I’m also writing and illustrating on a separate children’s book. And I’m coming out with more enamel pins, because now that I’ve made two, I’m kind of addicted and I need to make more.

You can find Alana’s prints, paintings, stickers, pins, and more at alanaladson.com. Follow her on Instagram @alanaladsonart.