#The longest record for us is a whole year without any messages online but still very close offline without feeling estranged at all

[fuckyeahchinesefashion]

Cnetizens: Send this to a friend who doesn't reply my messages

OP: Sorry, I actually replied by teleportation

[amandaray-nature-vs-nurture]

Take a Mosey on Down the Diagnosis Trail

Was I depressed? How depressed? Was it “clinical” or “seasonal” or “major”? From what I remember, at first I was clinically depressed. Sprinkle some Zoloft on it.

I didn’t like taking the Zoloft and whatever else I was prescribed; didn’t like the notion of having to take pills to be “normal”. As I know now, that is not an uncommon sentiment. I am pretty sure I was diagnosed within those same few years as having some anxiety disorder, but it was not an “official” diagnosis at first. I remember going back and forth with trying to accept this diagnosis and take my medication when I was supposed to. I had access to the internet back then, but it wasn’t like it is now. Not for most of us, anyway. We didn’t think of searching for things online and definitely couldn’t just type a vague idea in the web address bar and get anything other than an error message. Back then, free AOL CD’s were everywhere by the thousands and I began collecting them by the pounds in my bag and would just hide them in random places all over any house or place of business I found myself at.

Within the same year of being released after my first committal, my sister got arrested after snitching on her own damn self and my mom and I moved to a one road, one grocery store, no red-light town. We lived in an itty-bitty house, my window looking out onto a massive lot for semi-trucks to back up and turn around in (at least, that’s all they ever did right there) at the cotton factory. I could jump out of my window and be in said lot before I even completed taking a single step. There were adventures to be had there many intoxicated nights (one more serious than the rest), of the infinite types of adventures that would have resulted in death in most other instances. I’m lucky to be alive. “Lucky” doesn’t even begin to describe it. I hear stories about young women or men just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, or making risky decisions, and not making it out alive -- and I feel like absolute shit knowing that I dodged so many bullets and they did not.

So, as I was saying, my mom and I lived in this house -- just us -- and things steadily devolved. Meaning: there was absolutely zero psychiatric care during that time. Loads and loads of self-medication, and lots of Live LiveJournal-ing (I have tried to recover the account, to no avail). Our house was the house for getting fucked up. It makes my heart palpitate and my guts twist to write this, so I am lucky (there’s that word again) that this is not a story detailing many of the happenings of that wretched place, or any of the wretched places that came after. This house is where my addict tendencies became known to me in a way, and where I developed an eating disorder.

I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder, but my best friend at the time Meghan and I would see who could go the longest without eating while taking fists full of diet pills (I always gravitated toward Metabolife) that we’d stolen up the street. We lived for the Pro-Ana sites/blogs that were around back then and used their tips and tricks and thin-spiration images daily. We ended up purging together after eating anything. We’d drink hot water and punch each other in the gut after jumping around for a while. We were competitive regarding things like who could get the next bone to be more pronounced, and how much we were able to purge vs how much we ate/drank, clothing size, weight, measurements, our side-effect symptoms of whatever we were taking or doing or just the whole mess in general, who bruised easier, who cut the most, the deepest -- who cut the most fucked up saying into which area of skin and using what -- and even our stools (speaks incredible volumes about your diet).

Meghan and I were extremely codependent. I spent those years with her cycling through an infinite amount of possible diagnoses, but I was never helped in any way. I remember a few episodes of psychosis or mania or whatever it was that are mixed with significant chunks of amnesia in my memory. When I think back on the few close friendships I had as an undiagnosed and untreated (or wrongly diagnosed and wrongly treated) person, I imagine that to the people who found themselves stuck in my orbit -- the people who found themselves hypnotized by my incredible vulnerability mixed with utter recklessness and abandon… it must have been awful for them. Especially when they eventually snapped out of their trance and saw what was happening to them because of my disastrous and dangerous ways. My willingness to go as low as one could imagine, at the blink of an eye. I annihilated souls one at a time -- but, for the very clear record, they were always willing participants. I never forced anyone’s hand. Maybe I obliterated the very essence of people, but by that point, they all chose their fates to be intertwined with my own.

In that itty-bitty house next to the cotton factory, my mom ended up abandoning me with a guy I had been dating for a couple of weeks, at most, and his mother ended up taking me in. I only have a few solid memories of that traumatic experience, as well as for the years that ensued at Robert’s house. I lived there, hurting myself in secret and having panic attacks and floating through the world only kind of remembering getting from one year to the next. There was more self-medicating and spiraling. Some cock fights. What I am saying is, there were a whole lot of years that I went untreated.

The next diagnosis that I remember is a Bipolar Disorder diagnosis. I have no idea if I was allegedly Bipolar I or II, but there were other diagnoses such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder, and PTSD. Everyone uses OCD so loosely, “Omg, I know; I’m (or someone else they know is) so OCD about…” That, or they think that everything I do is going to be immaculate and organized;  perfect. They don’t talk about the intrusive thoughts or the weird obsessions that no one can know about or the compulsive rituals we do that often have nothing to do with anything but if they don’t get done, something awful will happen and it will be all our fault. I remember when I was young I had the literal Fear of God in me. I was obsessed with death and Heaven and Hell. Thought about it all the time. I was told that God heard our thoughts and that he could always see us. Every night when I would lay down to go to bed, I forced myself to think of every single possible infraction I made that day and to beg God’s forgiveness for it while clutching my Precious Moments Bible. I lost a lot of sleep due to this and so it became increasingly more difficult to stay awake each night. I would pinch and scratch and slap myself to stay awake and beg for forgiveness. At some point I also began praying for the health and safety of every single family member I could think of and then for the health and safety of every person I could recall in my memory from being out and about during the day. I spent entire nights probing my memories for every possible soul who needed my prayers in order to be safe. I had to cycle through them, imagining God cupping his hand down around their home like a shield to keep bad guys from breaking in and to keep fires from happening or violent weather or someone from inside the home from hurting them or aliens from abducting and probing them (Fire in the Sky ruined my life that extra layer) or just whatever else my mind could come up with to be terrified of happening. I had to do this, and I had to do it as many times as humanly possible every night. I would, of course, pass out sometimes. I’d awake with a jolt and grab for my Bible. But, wait… what if it is upside down?! I would think. Surely there are crosses and other things within this Bible that would only invite evil and ensure my spot in Hell if inverted?!  And so I would get up, turn the light on, and check. Getting out of bed every time I was unsure whether or not the Bible was facing the correct way was exhausting -- more exhausting than this whole thing already was. I came up with a solution: tie a cord from the string on my light to the rail of my daybed. That barely lasted a night because I was convinced -- despite the cord being nowhere near slack enough -- that the shit would get wrapped around my neck and kill me (and I would likely die with an inverted Bible in my hands, before I could finish my prayers). Solution? Super-glue a penny into the top left corner inside the front cover of the Bible so that I could just feel in the dark which way the hateful thing was facing. Problem solved (still have the thing).

The next diagnosis I had was Bipolar with Rapid Cycling (maybe some of the readers can see where this is going at this point). Also, the PTSD was bumped up to C (complex)-PTSD. I was put on mood stabilizers, lithium, some new anti-psychotic that was promoted as something else through the commercials on television and anxiety medications. I was in my early twenties at this time. Maybe mid. No later than mid. I had lost my mind after the death of a loved one and uprooted my life with Aidyn to move to Savannah at the petitioning of a couple I had met while I worked at Taco Mac. The wife worked there with me, and the husband came up to see her a few times. He was a tattoo artist and had found work in Savannah. They had outed themselves as swingers to me and requested my presence in their bed more than once. Oh, and they were also the most intensely religious people I’d ever met in real life. I was told that I’d have a job in the tattoo shop so I talked a coworker, Christine, into going down there with me to scout an apartment and “interview” at the shop. Fast forward to meeting my husband and a while with him, having Shane -- There’s a whole lot of dirty and dangerous detail in there, with another couple of stints in hospitals, and a whole lot of Ambien being used for everything but sleeping before this point, but they’re not important to this story.

I have just brushed over something here that is a big issue: skin picking. Excoriation. That has been a daily habit ever since I can remember. I think I have glossed over it so far now because it is not an issue which we are currently dealing with and focused on, but it has gotten so bad on a number of occasions that we couldn’t even go in public. That is not specifically my thing and so I am not very familiar with it, but I do have access to some of the memories we have about it. 

After a couple of stays in jail and yet another hospital stay, I had the diagnosis of Schizoaffective Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic episodes. That one got me to the medications I am currently taking. All of my previous diagnoses still stand. I hit one of my bottoms during this time. There’s a whole lot more that I don’t remember than I do.

A few more stays in jail and a few years of sobriety later, and I had a diagnosis of DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder. I am still navigating that one. I’ve definitely been back forth and all around with this. I have mapped out a timeline of sorts in a journal, and it’s astounding how much sense this diagnosis makes. Finally: A diagnosis that actually fits all the way around. It is still quite alarming, and I am still trying to establish good communication between alters within my inner world and be more okay with referring to us as us or we or a system. We know now that the path we took could have never led us anywhere but here. We understand that only due to our most recent move to a place where we are safe with the kids, were we able to come forward and be known.

DID is a disorder rooted in trauma, and usually only makes itself known after the system has moved away from the direct influence or vicinity of the family member, caregiver, or other person (or people) who make it unsafe for parts of the system to be known. They were birthed by severe trauma and have existed for strictly covert missions to protect the other parts. Walls of amnesia are typically built up around the fractured pieces of personalities (this is always done at a young age -- usually sometime before seven to nine years old -- before personalities integrate into one personality), and stay up and operational in order to keep awareness of the trauma from reaching certain parts. When there’s no longer present and persistent perceived danger, these alters are often left with not knowing what to do with themselves and questioning their own validity and justification for living in an environment where no one needs to be protected. They have been operating within the system for so long in their own way of doing so, and the reactions of parts and systems to no longer being actively life-saving vary widely. They will reach out knowingly or not, and sometimes a system will even break down. 

My story is not atypical. It is a classic story of a journey down Diagnosis Trail through the mental healthcare system. The average amount of time for people to get to a correct diagnosis of DID is seven years after initially becoming a patient  within the mental healthcare system. Finding professionals who are willing to diagnose and treat dissociative disorders is a challenge, because despite the presence of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5 and clear cut texts on the treatment of DID, there are many people out there who have so little experience and knowledge of our disorder that they don’t “believe” in it.

This was my diagnosis journey, made intelligible and digestible as I could manage. I know that I touched on several different stories, and I definitely had to skip over so many significant times that came up as I was writing. I mean, I summed up multiple years at a time with just a couple of sentences, some of the time without even one actual meaningful memory to go with them. That’s what this blog is going to be for, in part; though, most of the details of my life are going to be published in my Memoirs. Thank you for reading and feel free to email me with or comment below any questions, comments, or concerns. 

[arabellaflynn]

One of the more amusing family stories I sometimes tell is about a relative of mine, a few generations back, who moved in with another man after his wife died. Ooh, everybody goes. Salacious family gossip! Except the little town they moved to was actually Lily Dale Assembly, in upstate New York, which so far as I know is still one of the oldest continually running Spiritualist communes in the United States. Harry and Edward moved up there so that Edward, ex-model and former elder in the Presbyterian church, could start on what I think was his third career as a spirit medium. He channeled the spirit of an Edwardian actress named Lillie Langtry, also known as "the Jersey Rose". At this point, the whole 'shacked up with his boyfriend' thing has become the least interesting part of the story, and people begin to look at me funny. My parents fucked things up in many respects, several of them so egregious that I haven't spoken to them in years, but I want to give credit where credit is due. They never sat us down to have a talk about how some boys like boys and some girls like girls, and they were all people just like anyone else. It was stupidly obvious. My mother talked about "Harry and Edward" in the same tone she used for "Aunt Helen and Uncle Bob". Except friendlier, as Uncle Bob was known to be a lecher who eyeballed the teenage cousins, and we mysteriously saw a lot less of him after I was about twelve. I was probably in college -- so, old enough for my own friends to start coming out -- before I thought about it long enough to realize how unusual this was. There are a lot of families where I never would have heard about Harry, because they would have disavowed any knowledge of his existence as soon as they found out about his "friend". Tracing LGBT+ relatives can be tricky. They tend to lack a lot of paperwork that straight couples would have. Not just legit marriage certificates -- which don't always exist -- but a lot of other records that are predicated on the assumption that there is a marriage certificate, somewhere. Fifty years ago, John Doe and Roberta Roe could move halfway across the country together and apply for an apartment as "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe", and nobody would ever check. The only way to get that information, pre-internet, was to find out where the marriage would have been officiated, write to the appropriate county clerk (with a processing fee enclosed), and wait 4-6 weeks to see if you got an illegible photocopy or a 'no such file exists' form letter back. No landlord was going to do that. They'd look at you, make a snap judgement on whether you were likely to grow forty tons of weed in their rental property, and ask if you had first, last, and deposit. After you have a lease as "John and Roberta Doe", you can start getting utility bills, phone lines, library cards, checking accounts, even state IDs, depending on where (and when) you were. My own parents are a good example of how this works. My mother used her maiden name right up until she was lying in a hospital bed with a newborn (me), and the nuns filing the paperwork were confused by the concept of putting a different surname down for mother and child. My mother, who was understandably short on patience, finally relented and told them to use Dad's name for everybody. (In her words, "I was afraid they were gonna lose you.") They weren't legally married until I was three, and they only did it because we had moved from Little Canada to a state that even today spits in the face of social progress, and Dad's new health insurance wouldn't otherwise have covered anybody else. Mind you, my college FAFSA papers said they'd been filing taxes as married since 1978. My mother was never one to let a little thing like federal tax law prevent her from doing as she damn well pleased. In Harry and Edward's case, we do have some documentation: Harry wrote memoirs. My mother had a copy, and I've read it. They're mostly about the spirit medium stuff, but there's a fair bit about life as well, and they were hilariously domestic. You would have to engage in mental gymnastics of a phenomenal order to read the two of them as anything but a couple. I seem to recall Harry's daughter either writing to or visiting them in Lily Dale; according to the family, she was mainly just happy her father had settled down with someone who could cook, so he'd stop living on scrambled eggs and spaghetti. I've had no luck so far finding a copy of my own. Partly because it was privately published by someone who evidently went out of business 30+ years ago, but mostly because I didn't have any full names for anybody. The family has only ever referred to Harry as "Uncle Doc Harry". He wasn't a doctor of anything, but he did have an MSW, and for that time and that branch of the family, that was a pretty high-falutin' education. I'm still not sure if he was my great-uncle or my great-great-uncle. My grandfather was from a gigantic Irish Catholic farm family, where there were so many kids with such a range of ages that the eldest grandkids used to babysit their youngest aunts and uncles. It was without a great deal of hope that I prodded the Lily Dale Assembly at about 2 am one night, via their Facebook page. Yes, they have a Facebook page. Of course they have a Facebook page. Another thing you have to consider when nosing around after your queer kin is how to frame it. Somewhere conservative, I probably would have inquired after Harry, mentioning at some point that he used to share a house with someone named Edward. The Assembly, though? The Spiritualists are justifiably proud of their history of being early adopters of things like women's suffrage, feminism, and universal civil rights. They attract a lot of weirdos because they treat the weirdos like valid human beings. I was asking after people who would still be in the living memory of older residents, and a town like Lily Dale would have remembered them as the boring middle-aged married couple. So I just asked about my relatives, plural, Harry and Edward, and mentioned the ghost actress, figuring it would have been pretty unique even for a place like that. I expected to get a teenage intern, who had no idea what I was talking about, but could at least give me some way to get in contact with the town registrar or whatever a Spiritualist commune has. No. Oh, no. Whoever was answering their messages knew exactly who I was talking about, because they used to live across the street. Not only told me where the two of them went, but described the house they bought when they moved out of town in the early '90s. What the actual fuck. Thus armed with useful things like surnames, I went off to Google some more. I still haven't had any luck finding the book; when I first read it, online shopping was already a thing, and I found it eerie as hell to be physically holding a book that had no listing on Amazon. It has an AISN now, as someone evidently sold a signed copy on Amazon once, but no ISBN, and therefore no WorldCat entry. If it exists in any library I can get to, I'm not sure I have any way to ask for it. I can't find their obituaries, either -- my guess is they ran in the newspaper of the small town they lived in after Lily Dale, but the online archives have a big gap between 1989, when their microfiche scans end, and the 2000s, when someone bothered building them a website. If they have headstones, nobody's taken pictures of them for FindAGrave.com. I threw their names at Spokeo and WhitePages and the like, to see if whoever survived longest had moved elsewhere to be with other family, and made an interesting discovery. Directories like that scrape data from other places. Mailing lists, public records, that sort of thing. Most people have at least one "AKA" listing, where they did or didn't use their middle initial for something, or went by Kathy instead of Katherine. Harry seems to have really been Harry, never Harold, which fits with the family naming habits. I did dig up a middle name, and it does tally with the one on the picture of the book cover on Amazon out-of-stock listing, so at least I know I'm tracking the right guy. So far as I can tell from his AKAs, Edward never went by Ed or Eddie -- but he did, at some point in his life, go by Harry's surname. It's exactly the sort of middle finger to convention I would expect from any relative of mine, really. Fuck you, mainstream society, we're married. One of the places it's noted is on a profile for one of the ancestry services that says it was created and maintained by his brother, so at least some of his family seems to have treated them the same way Harry's did. It actually makes me wonder if they had some sort of commitment ceremony at some point. (Beyond signing a joint mortgage on at least one house, I mean. Those are way harder to get out of than a marriage.) There wouldn't be any records filed with the State of New York -- although there's always the chance they were smart enough to file legal papers giving power of attorney and leaving their estate to the other one -- but if it happened in Lily Dale, the Assembly might have noted it. from Blogger https://ift.tt/2zVc9Bw via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a Patron, subscribing via Kindle, or just toss a little something in my tip jar. Thanks!

[autumn-kitten]

Tag Post

I was tagged by @springbearhime, thank you so much!!!!! ♡ ♡ I don’t think I’ve ever been tagged in one of these things so it made me unreasonably happy :’)

Posting this under a cut because it ended up being super long!

Nickname: Nic, Rose, Shy

Pronouns: She/Her

Age: 20 as of this March!

Time: 10:31 am

Fave Artist: Radiohead right now. PS friendly reminder to blacklist the tag radiohead if you don’t wanna see me spamming, I just queued like 50 radiohead posts bc I have a problem lol

Song stuck in my head: This excellent, underappreciated one hit wonder, She Blinded Me With Science. Also, this live version of Radiohead’s Videotape, because it includes a cool part in the middle that isn’t on the recorded/studio version and I love it.

Last movie I saw: The Incredibles 2

Last thing I googled: Trying to figure out how to properly use the Amazon Alexa my mom bought, lol.

Other blogs: I have a Tera Online blog, which is dead rn because I’m not playing Tera very much anymore and the blog is on another email address so it takes too much effort to access it lol. I also partially abandoned it because I got the feeling people didn’t really like me on there.. got a whole lot of mean anons and all my mutuals stopped talking to me and uhHhh idk what I did but sorry y’all... I think I just complained way too much there honestly.  I also have a private rant/journaling blog, because I need to write things down to help me deal with it/get it out of my system.

Do I get asks: I wish!! Sometimes people do message me though but I always get shy ahah. Send me anons! I will answer anything! Hit me tf up!

Why I chose my url: Oh boy, I made this blog when I was probably 16. Autumn was my favorite season and I adore cats. I didn’t use this blog at first because I already had one I was active on and had a lot of friends/mutuals. When I was like 18, this guy I was dating at the would go on that blog and have a huge freakout over nearly everything on it (you posted a selfie and responded to someone that complimented you with a heart??? ARE YOU CHEATING????, etc), so I moved here. I feel kinda bad, I had like 10 messages from different people saying “this blog has zero posts and I want this url can i pls have :(”

Following: 631 LOL. Most people aren’t even active anymore so I should probably go through and clear that out...

What I am wearing: I don’t have work today so I’m still what I slept in - soft Mickey Mouse print boxer shorts and the shirt I wore yesterday lol

Dream job: I don’t really know what I want to do!! Something that makes me happy and doesn’t suck the life out of me, which idk is possible. The idea of working for the rest of my life really depresses me. I am very interested in a ton of things but am not talented at any of them (music, art, film directing or editing, computer programming/coding, writing/editing) so I’m hoping to take some classes at my community college and see if there’s something I’m able to pick up. As a kid I wanted to be an actress (I had no anxiety until I was like 12, it was wild - I was a theater kid haha), then all through middle and high school I wanted to be in a band or be an author/editor, and when I was like 18 I wanted to be an English teacher for quite a while but I’ve realized I’m too shy and definitely not assertive enough.

Dream trip: Japan and all over Europe. Also Australia/New Zealand!!

Fave food: Oof this is hard... I honestly just love food in general. Sometimes it’s burgers and fries, sometimes Chinese food, sometimes Pad Thai, sometimes sushi, sometimes pizza, sometimes pasta... Food is delicious, lol. Right now I’d say probably burgers and fries?

Play any instrument: I took piano lessons for a few years as a kid but hated practicing bc there was pressure from my parents and eventually quit. I wanted to learn how to play the drums but my parents said it was “too loud” so I played trumpet for 4 years in the middle school band and jazz band (because trumpet is SUCH a quiet instrument, lol). I self taught myself guitar in 8th grade and was in a band that never got off the ground, but I haven’t touched guitar since I was probably 16 and really wanna get back into it. I’d love to learn play bass guitar and drums!! Also, fun fact... I was SUPER obsessed with harps as a kid and really wanted to learn how to play one until I was like, 11.

Play(ed) any sport: Aside from being a theater/band kid, I was also v sporty since my dad really wanted boys, hahaha. I played soccer, volleyball, and basketball! I played soccer the longest but I ended up being better at basketball than anything else... but I loved volleyball the most, lmfao. I made some “tryout only” teams for all three sports, which was cool, but any and all sportiness died when I was like 13 or so because Depression Says No and honestly my heart wasn’t in it anymore, it started out as a fun activity but after I was about 10 or 11 I was just doing it because my parents wanted me to and I was really miserable. It was a blessing when they let me quit.

Hair color: Blondeish?? I think?? It’s kinda strawberry blonde in some light.

Languages spoken: English, and three years of classes worth of Japanese. I love languages but it’s super, SUPER hard for my brain to learn them. I want to get back into Japanese, though, because it came pretty easily and was a lot of fun! I tried to learn Spanish for a while since I was living in Argentina, but I was horrible at it and kept adding in Japanese on accident because apparently my brain could only handle two languages and not three, lol.

Random fact: Hmm...  I was incapable of rolling my R’s until new years eve this year.. I was v drunk and apparently was just sitting at the table going rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... after months of trying to learn how to do it and not even knowing the proper technique I was just rolling my R without even trying/knowing I was doing it. I’ve been able to since that day, lmfao.

Describe yourself with an aesthetic: Oh boy I don’t even know how to do this??And it depends on my mood??? My brain can’t decide who I am or what my aesthetic is, sometimes it’s crazy cat lady with a huge library in her house, sometimes it’s girl at the county fair with a flowy dress and sunflowers in her hair, sometimes (often) it’s “hi I no longer have black hair anymore but I still feel emo/goth in my soul™, sometimes it’s some bullshit 90s vaporwave stuff, sometimes it’s just “haha i’m here for the memes”, sometimes it’s telescopes and observatories and stars and astronomy, sometimes it’s cutesy pastel... idk what my aesthetic is.

Also here’s a relatable picture of me, ty for reading. I tag... anyone that wants to do this bc I really don’t know who to tag ahhhHhhHHHhhh

[anitaisola]

Dola

It must have been around 7 pm. I saw her standing at the door of Shibo-Avenue bound line 13, carrying a bunch of flowers in her right hand, cell phone in her left and a brown paper bag of wine bottle tucked in the crook of her elbow. Neck bent, looking down towards her cell phone, waiting impatiently for a message. Today could have been a start of something special if only her phone had buzzed. 

Dola was only a baby when her parents migrated from China to Europe, in the late eighties, to rebel against government’s one-child policy. She grew up in a beautiful but a very sparsely populated city with her sisters, after ten years of being the only child. Her grandmother would visit once every year acting as a window to an alternate and seemingly much more exciting life of Shanghai, which she thought could have been hers if only her parents had stayed. Eventually, things became more life-full and jolly with her siblings around but the thought of living in Shanghai had been gnawing at her consciousness ever since her grandmother passed away. This time she decided to make it real, find work and make the move. 

The hustle-bustle of Shanghai was an antidote to her reclusive childhood. Her uncle’s family was still living there. She took this opportunity to rekindle the relationship with her cousin, Eileen. 

One evening after work, Dola accompanied Eileen to a filmmaker’s meet-up at a rooftop café in Jing’An. Dola enjoyed the film screening but socialising wasn’t her scene. She stood comfortably in a corner holding a glass of red wine in one hand and a toothpick with cheese cube poked on, in another, moving inconspicuously to the ambient music, while her cousin was connecting with fellow filmmakers. Eileen, pleadingly gestured to her “10 more minutes” with her hands after she caught a glimpse of Dola standing in solitude. Dola nodded and moved her lips to reply an “Okay”. 

A gentleman from across the room was observing this communication between Dola and her cousin.

He crossed over and gently slid next to Dola, “This is one of my favourite Nina Simone songs” he whispered and continued to sing along - “But you just do what you gotta do My wild sweet love Though it may mean I'll never kiss your sweet lips again Pay that no mind Just find that dappled dream of yours Come on back and see me when you can...” “Nuff Said!!”, Dola recalled effortlessly, “Excuse me?” he exclaimed! “That’s the album, this song’s in, isn’t it?” said Dola.  “RIGHT!!” he declared. “Hi, I’m Jan” he said extending his arm. She smiled, and gently accepted the handshake, “Dola” she said. “Dola the explolel?” he said puckishly and regretted immediately. She thought it was a bit insensitive but tried to cover it up with a forced grin. “Dola - the protective spirits which embody human fate… in Slavic mythology” she added after a brief pause. Jan didn’t see that coming. She intrigued him, and his fervid gaze allured her. “Let me guess, you are a screenplay writer”,  said Jan. Dola chuckled and said, “Close enough, I’m a content writer... for a hydroponics company”. They had only begun to break the shell of awkwardness when her cousin interrupted to inform her that the taxi she called for had arrived and then she complimented Jan, “ Hey JR! Good work on the series!” He modestly accepted the compliment with a smile and a "xièxie!”. “Excuse us, Jan, we have to leave,” said Dola, wrapping up the talks. The three of them then exchanged a customary, “it was lovely meeting you!” except Jan meant it when he told Dola that and asked if it was ok to exchange WeChat contact. Dola handed out her cell phone, Jan scanned the QR code and just like that the connection was made.

Later that night, Jan sent her a text message, “Dola, the lady with a lovely name!” That marked the beginning of their friendship and plentiful conversations have had thereafter, but only over calls and texts. As a filmmaker, Jan often travelled making it difficult for them to be in the same place at the same time. They hadn’t met since the filmmakers’ meet-up. Meanwhile, Dola had watched all the episodes of Jan’s web series called ‘Culture Matters’ which was increasingly gaining popularity online. The nuanced narrative with sharp political undertone impressed her but she also thought that it was a bit gutsy. They often discussed it and to that Jan would say,  “Nuuf said!, do what you gotta do” and they’d laugh. 

They decided to meet, at last, this coming Friday, once he was back from a shoot in Beijing. On Friday afternoon, Dola received some texts from Jan, saying “8 hours to go!” “Dinner and chill?” “I make the most amazing pasta!” She had looked forward to an evening like that for the longest time— Dola: “Send me your address, Jan” Jan: “Line 13, Mid Huaihai station, exit 1. I will pick you up from there and we can head together?” Dola: “Sounds lovely!”  Jan: “I should be there by 7:30” Dola finished work as quickly as possible. She bought some flowers, a bottle of wine and hopped into the metro as swiftly as possible. She didn’t want to be late for what she thought was perhaps a date but wasn’t sure. Her confusion was reflected in how mellow she dressed for the occasion. She settled on a denim dungaree and striped T-shirt to keep it “caszh!”, even though she did spend a lot of time on this ‘very important’ sartorial decision. Her heart started beating faster as she heard the announcement from the speakers above, “Next stop is Huaihai Middle road”. There she was standing at the door, texting Jan that she was almost there and, where was he? He hadn’t replied since his last message sent earlier that day. Dola had assumed that Jan was on the flight and must have put his phone on flight mode. She was sending a string of messages and eagerly waiting for a response. Slowly the eagerness turned into impatience when none of them were answered. 

She tried calling him on WeChat. No response. She didn’t have his phone number. There was no communication except for a sinking feeling which told her something wasn’t quite right. It was her stop and she hurried towards Exit 1. She confirmed with a quick glance that it was Exit 1 as she stepped out of the metro and on to the street. She saw people racing up and down, cabs swooshing by, but couldn’t find Jan in any of them. She waited for some time and then more time after that. She waited for Jan’s text. She waited for Jan to tap on her shoulder from behind and surprise her. She yearningly looked at every cab that slowed down, hoping it was him. She waited in vain for hours. 

Not knowing what to do, she went back home, confused and rattled, she chucked the bag and flowers on the couch, vigorously woke her laptop up and and hit the play button; she wanted to hear his voice(over) which was overlayed by loud noises in her head — What must have happened? Did he lose his phone? But he knew when and where we were supposed to meet. She checked online for all the flights departing from Beijing that afternoon to see if they had met with an unfortunate fate. That didn’t seem to be the case, fortunately. All kinds of muddled thoughts crossed Dola’s mind. She called Eileen and explained what had happened. The call and Eileen’s hopeful tone pacified her to some extent. She said she could use her filmmakers' network to figure Jan’s whereabouts.—— After a couple of days of complete silence and cluelessness — Dola received a link and a message from Eileen, “He is in detention and is likely to be deported immediately. Call you soon!” She clicked on the link with her jittery fingers. The headline read— ‘China Bans A Filmmaker for Eluding Censorship: The Chinese authorities have banned filmmaker Jan Reeds from working in the country for shooting in rural China without official permission, violating Article 25 of the Film Regulations’. 

“Permission! Seriously!” she gasped indignantly aloud. The headline stunned and outraged her! As unbelievable as the whole situation seemed she knew this was very plausible. It was the political nature of the content that had irritated the government officials and that she was sure of. She was scared, worried and proud of him all at the same time. It was in this moment that she felt like she understood her parents much better and their decision to find life elsewhere, justifiable. She raised her cell phone closer to her mouth and recorded a melodious voice note: “Do what you gotta do, my wild sweet love... come on back, see me when you can” and waited patiently for him to respond. 

(3rd Dec 2018)

..............................................................................................................................

Commuter’s project: Stories/ anecdotes inspired by fellow passengers on the Shanghai metro.

[brahnabischh]

in the beginning

… my period is coming. i’m over emotional today. i can’t deal. i just can’t ✋🏾✋🏾

first off , i moved … i’m in Maryland now with Chelle and Jah. been here since late Friday early Saturday (6/17-18) of course it’s supposed to be for the better– new environment , new people , new opportunities , new beginning. i’m all for it .. clearly because i’m here. but now that i’m all the shitty things i thought i could handle are fooling with my head something serious right now. i didn’t want to come simply because i didn’t want to have to put my problems on anyone else .. or become any kind of burden or extra weight to anyone. although i understand i’m a grown ass woman , i still need a lot of help with things that i haven’t quite comes to terms with as far as my pride is concerned. i don’t want to disappoint anyone else .. let alone myself any more than i already have.

i was supposed to [so word had it] come work with my godmother at Sally’s for now to at least have something to do .. keep busy , make money , take care of my responsibilities. needless to say that hasn’t happened or even been apart of conversation in Sally’s yet. so i’m not working , making money , handling my responsibilities. on top of that i have to get my license and tags on my car renewed .. which i cannot do without my birth certificate. mind you , i haven’t seen the two original copies of that shit since Abby got kicked out and took them in the bag i used to use to go to kennessaw with. now the process of getting my birth certificate AGAIN consists of 1st ; ordering it online. 2nd ; submitting a notarized request form to alameda county records people. 3rd ; wait for them to receive and accept my request. and finally ; send off my certificate. and all of this takes up to 15 business days depending on when they get the notarized form. so now that means for the next two weeks or so i will be doing absolutely NOTHING! but waiting for my cousins to get off work and do some shit with me. i don’t have money , i can’t drive my car , and I don’t know anyone here anymore besides the four of them.

i was going to go see my grandmother and spend some time with her for the time being .. but tickets to get to her cost at the very least {from what i say tonight} one hundred eighty nine dollars. remember i don’t have any money , nor steady income what so ever …. so my grandmother would have to front the bill and then pay for whatever else we/i do when i get there. it’s bad enough she gave me almost her last to help move me and my vehicle here , i don’t want her to spend anymore than she has to. plus she has her own obligations and responsibilities to attend to , she can’t be my little personal lending tree. although i know she would want me to come regardless .. i can’t keep doing that to her. she told me the other day i got her punching the clock .. or in other words she has to bust ass and grind to earn her money to do for me. that shit sucks. it makes me feel so shitty. and of course i can oblige myself to paying her back when i don’t even know when , where or how i’ll get the money in the first place.

i try to stay positive and optimistic about this move– saying everything happens for a reason. i came to better my life and get back on track– quit worrying yourself , God got you. just trust he’s out for your best interest … but it’s soooooo hard to put my pride aside and let people help me. and it’s soooooooo hard to not worry about what i’m unsure of when i don’t have anything else to do but sit and think about all these things on a regular basis. i told God that i washed my hands of the whole situation and that i trust him completely. he knows what’s best. his will be done .. not mine. but JESUS!! it’s so hard. smh. it’s sooooo hard. i’m trying to be patient and let things play out since i deadass can’t do anything but wait .. but i’ve been waiting patiently for things to change and get better for the LONGEST! i know these last four years weren’t totally wasted. i hadn’t gone through all the mess i’ve been through over those years for nothing. there’s a reason for everything. but good gravy! something has GOT to give!!!!!!

and then there’s my boyfriend situation. Justin Wilcox is the most interested in being WITH someone i have ever been in like .. all of ever. honestly. since we started talking back in around February of 2015 i’ve wanted to be nothing but honest with this man. all the other times i’ve liked someone or started a “situationship” with them there was a certain role i knew to play. it was either straight about sex or just some kind of secrecy. i’ve started relationships off of /what was supposed to be/ one night stands .. or lies and that’s not what i wanted with him. he’s such a good feel it’s ridiculous. i’ve told him about a lot of things i may not even fully realize i’ve even informed him of in just the friendship part of our relationship it scares me. i’ve confided in him about things i wouldn’t even talk to my parents about. I never lied to him about my money issues , my family issues , my living situation , my legal situation … he knows all of it. he told me in the beginning that i had to work for something with him. said he wanted me to be his little boo but i had to act right first. so we got to know each other some first. but knowing what i’ve known about men and boys i’ve dealt with before .. i never minded anything he’s said about wanting to be with me. trying a relationship. basically being the lady on his side. i thought it all was bullshit. he just wanted some ass and i really didn’t mind giving it to him. hell i never did before. but of course like everything else potentially good for me , i let myself get distracted from him and sort of put him to the side. all for Richard’s ass .. which was the DUMBEST decision at the time. but i’m hardheaded and stubborn , so you know you can’t tell me anything. he knocked me off my “boo” pedestal i was on because i wasn’t “acting right” lol. we’d talk on and off , whenever i decided not to ignore his call or messages .. there was even a time i was igg'ing him and he saw me at the trap and just looked at me like 👀 damn you just don’t fuck with the kid anymore. of course i didn’t give a shit at the time. my nose was wide open under someone else’s ass … i even blocked him from my phone for a hot little minute. long story short .. we got back in contact with each other i want to say after i added him on snapchat. he hit my phone , of course on some damn tf happened type shit. and we’ve been kicking shit ever since.

he’d always tell me he wanted to be with me like forreal forreal. always expressed his intentions. always been honest (as far as i know). always asked what the hell i was running from or why i was playing with him. always talked shit about me not wanting to be his boo and all this. i remember a conversation we had after we talked for the first time since he had been blocked and he was upset. he was like i told you my intentions with you , i’m not playing. all this good shit. and i just explained to him that i needed to get my shit together. i didn’t want to start anything with him i couldn’t handle. i didn’t have a car .. my job at the bar was becoming shit , i wouldn’t be able to be the girlfriend or “boo” i would want to be for him. if he called and wanted me to come bring him some food , i couldn’t .. how with no money. i couldn’t meet him anywhere or come to him when he wanted .. how with no car of my own. and i was too prideful to always have to ask my mom to use her car without telling them what for. [[ although like i said earlier , i am a grown ass women. i have no reason to lie , or hide anything from anyone … that was the childish part of me. felt like i needed to hide dudes from my parents when they weren’t going to meet them. i didn’t know this man was going to actually make me his girl or not just want some booty. all i knew was my parents would ask a kagillion questions as if we were going to be serious and dating , or they’d think i was some kind of hoe if they knew about buddy and never met him. if that makes any kind of sense. all just still being the scary little timid and secretive girl i’ve always been. ]] but he said he didn’t care about all of that. whatever i was going through or working on we could work on and go through together. he was very persistent and adamant about us at least trying something out. he’d come see me at work when he could. and always was on my phone. by this time I was boo again. i finally let him take me out .. we went to have drinks at Applebee’s (how romantic right? 😂) but being out in public , not having to sneak , or hide .. felt so good. we went to Walmart afterwards. said he needed to get some groceries for his house … for me to cook him. HA! but from the time we left the restaurant , to the time we spent in the car , to the time spent shopping , even to him taking me back to the car so we could go our separate ways for the night i felt like he was someone i could really try some shit with. he never said too much about us having sex. never did extra shit to get me to come to his house .. none of that. i deadass liked this man. now at this point Richard and i were still involved with each other but time was winding down. i wanted Justin. couldn’t do too much with Richard’s ass any who … but i was giving him the cold shoulder to the highest degree. the night i really realized Justin and i were on the same accord was the night Richard pulled up on me at the house. i told Justin i wanted to see him and asked if he could come through for a minute. he did .. and we sat outside in the driveway for a little minute. talking. chilling. whole time my phone was going bizzurk. Richard was calling and texting me , talking about answer this next call or else. i was trying to find a reason to leave Justin but i didn’t want to lie to him. i did anyway. told him my little sister was looking for me and i needed to go back inside. all of a sudden , i hear/see an orange Camaro come rolling past the house and down the street. who else would it be than Richard’s ass. Justin’s windows aren’t tented so he saw very clearly who was in the car. i open the door and try to escape without being any more weird than i was already acting towards Justin. as i’m dismissing myself trying to stay calm , Richard’s ass pulls up in front of the house and watches. Justin asked was whoever it was in the car for me .. i lied and told him no. said he must’ve came looking for my dad or something. told him i’d see him later and rushing to close the door hoping for the absolute least to transpire at this time. he backs up and pulls off and i see Richard looking like “who tf is this nigga!” i start walking to the carport to go back inside and he pulls along side the entrance to the driveway and tells me to come here. i said no and tried to keep walking , he keeps saying come here , said he’s not going to do anything , just come here. i told him no again and was not trying to deal with anything he had to throw at me. he says something to me about not making him get out be car , but i wasn’t worried about any of that shit. we were outside my parent’s house and my daddy was home. he wasn’t about to act fool or do anything to draw attention to himself with that being considered. so he pulls off highly pissed and calls me. i answer and he’s going off about me being in the car with some nigga and what the hell we had to talk about that i couldn’t call and talk to Richard about. blah blah blah. this nigga then proceeds to fly down the road to catch up to Justin. buddy pulls up on him at the damn light and asks – while i’m still on the phone – “aye what’s up with you and Bri? yah talk?!” whole time i’m like really bruh. are you fucking kidding me. mind you dude is 39yrs old .. and had just cheated on me in the most major way! but nonetheless still too grown to be acting like that. of course during this whole thing Justin is texting and calling me trying to see what’s really good. he even text me from some random ass number saying “say” like ‘aye what tf is all of this shit?!?’ i text him and explained that Richard was my ex and he was crazy and wouldn’t leave me alone. told him I didn’t want him to get caught in the midst of all this shit because i really did like him and he didn’t deserve any of that. he explained what happened at the stoplight and how he told buddy we didn’t talk or whatever to help save my ass. said Richard said something about me not being able to talk to him (Richard) because I said i was talking to him (Justin) i told him i really really liked him and wanted this shit to ride because i really feel like we connect in a way i hadn’t with anyone else and that we could really build some great shit and have a dope ass relationship. no bullshit all games and jokes aside.he expressed that he already explained his intentions with me and how he deadass liked me … he felt everything i was saying and he even agreed. said he wasn’t even mad at me for all that , just didn’t want me to be fucking with him or trying to play him. from that moment on i knew that he deserved a shot and it was a 95%+ chance that he was being deadass genuine. some good really could come of this. time goes by , he comes to see me at work , i come kick shit with him at his house .. we had sex for the first time on March 6th. and for the first time i actually was happy i hadn’t given myself to him earlier.

…. wait , back to the purpose of me writing. lol. that went on longer than i expected to explain. 😂

anywho. we had grown so accustomed to being together and in arms reach at all times , the reality of me leaving was hitting us harder than we’d planned. i’m not just gone a few driving hours away to where i could come visit or vice versa on the weekends or however often we’d like. i’m deadass gone far enough away that we’d actually have to sit and plan out the time we’d visit and spend. going to sleep and waking up without him is so irritating at times. i miss my baby sooo much. and it’s killing me right now because i don’t know when i’ll see him next. we talked about him moving here .. or he said he’d be up this way by August .. all of this was really fucking with him and he wants us to be together. i want to believe he would do so but i don’t. i can’t seriously expect this man to drop his whole life , stop everything he’d been working so hard for , and come following after me. that’s too much responsibility on me. and too much stress and strain on him.

missing him combined with everything else racing around my head just makes me wish i hadn’t have left in the first place. although i know i needed to go now because if i hadn’t now , i never would have. and i would’ve been stuck in the same shit yet another year. but like i said .. it’s all for the best. maybe this is even supposed to help challenge our trust and relationship. who knows.

as if it’s not bad enough i can’t see him and touch him. look into his eyes , smell his skin , kiss his lips .. must i go on? i tell him today that we needed to set some sort of goal to look forward to that could help us meet in the middle as far as us being together physically. he says he plans on leaving at the most within the next year and a half. clearly not August like he sad at the gym. it’s cool though. except the fact idk what’s the middle for us , i don’t know where he would want to move to , i don’t know what would be asking too much of him , hell i don’t even know how long it’ll take for me to get my shit together here. and the last thing i would want to happen is allow the time spent away linger on too long and we eventually get used to not being with each other or catch interest in someone else and that just be it. this all happened so early on in our relationship , and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it right now but wait. we still have a lot of foundation to add to our beginning .. how the hell can we do that when we can’t even see each other. i mean i guess it’s good that we’ll be able to truly miss each other and we’re forced to talk more often now .. but all this in my head shit is getting to me.

i just want everything to fall into place the way that i see it happening and everything being so peachy keen … but what if what i want isn’t what is supposed to be? i don’t want to waste his or my time unnecessarily. i don’t want to be hurt. and i damn sure don’t want to hurt him. i mean i do have the reassurance that we both ultimately want the same thing. ride this thing until the wheels fall off. i just hope and pray that he really means and lives by what he says. i REALLY and TRULY have some serious feelings continuously growing for him. i mean it’s so serious i even pray for him. not just a little God bless my boyfriend. or a God keep him for me. or anything to do with me. i just pray for him in general. the very first time i did we were laying in the bed and he was asleep for the night. i put my hand on his head/face and i prayed for that man head to toe. and i have never genuinely just prayed for a significant other besides when they went through something or me asking the Lord to help me keep them or whatever.

i know ultimately all of this will be worth it. i know that things will get better for my life. i’m not worried about the outcome of me moving here. i’m just stressing myself while i’m in the process of .. you know? this will be fine. i will be fine. and if it’s really meant for bae and i to be anything , it’ll work out. i just don’t want to go through all of this in my own head mess anymore. if anyone knows the cure to this madness , PLEASE share!! hell. this shit sucks right now. and i don’t have bae to lay with or cuddle up next to when i do have my vulnerable and saddening moments. it’s tough. really really tough.

yet I still stand firm and say Thank You Jesus! 🙌🏾 this battle is not mine , but yours. have your way Lord. have your way.

[beatsfortheillperth]

Words with Weirddough Part 2

Francis Zapanta aka Weirddough out of Las Vegas, USA is an all-around blessed beat-smith and individual whom inspires us to continue expressing the love here at beatsfortheill. His positive essence and compassionate ideas make listening to tracks like “flowerz” and “reup” that little bit sweeter. Not to mention how Francis makes one appreciate the ever adapting and growing beat scene of our generation with a little more integrity.

Currently studying to become a Social Worker and working on his next album Elevatormuzik pt. 2, Weirddough is a creative that is showing no signs of slowing down and we love it. Creating music that inspires a warm heart and a mellow vibe, Francis is a genuine example of musical greatness.

So relax and enjoy words part 2 with one of our favourite beat-makers here at beatsfortheill Australia.

Inspire, Love, Relate

Hey, Francis, it’s great to chat with you again, so many releases since we last had words with you. How about we start off by asking what hip-hop means to you and what inspires you most within the hip-hop scene?

Glad to be back, thank you for having me.

Aw man, it's a culture. A way of life, an art.

I've always admired it from a young age and am forever a student of it. There are so many forms of hip-hop and it branches out into so many concepts and can fuse with almost any style.

I have always loved sampling, as to where, like in hip-hop; in other elements like b-boying, or graffiti, there are rudimentary basics and fundamentals that you follow. Once you’ve got the tools down, you can freak it in your own way.

You find that formula, your own bounce and groove. I like how people express themselves in their own way, hearing their soul in their music, as an extension of themselves.

Away from music what do you spend your time doing, and what are you drawn to on a general basis?

I've had 9 to 5's, I recently worked at a poke restaurant not too long ago. I'm currently studying to take my board exam to become a licensed Social Worker and I eventually want to go back to school in the future.

For those who are new to your sound how would you describe your music and for fun which one of your tracks would you recommend one to tune into?

I would just say it's Instrumental Hip-Hop. A reflection of what I'm feeling at the time. I would recommend “how did you know” off of Love Spells.

Who are you vibing of art and life wise as off lately that you feel our readers would love?

When it comes to drawing and painting, definitely Katsuya Terada. He freestyles huge ink drawings and they're ridiculous. I just love his line quality and his style.

Check out his Instagram @katsuyaterada.

Also, Boy Kong. He is super ill. Super talented individual. He does graffiti, murals, installations, and even tattoos. I love his vibrant colour choices and the way they pop.

Check him out, his Instagram is @boykong.

There's always a book I love reading called The Law of One by Ra. It's a book written about the universe which contains exact transcripts recorded by people while they were channelling Ra, who was an extraterrestrial being from another planet that was trying to help mankind.

You’ve been linked up with beatsfortheill as a collective for a while now, but away from beatsfortheill what other collectives and labels do you represent? Can you share them with our readers and the mission each represents?

The first label which I was really surprised hit me up was Paxico Records. I had the honour of dropping a project with them. They are a movement representing so many talented artists that I listened and looked up to.

This is quoted from the website, www.paxicorecords.com:

"Rare & recent worldwide. We create works of art with their own mythology and folklore. The slow-growing, idiosyncratic collection of handmade records and art is an ongoing study of futurism and folklore realized in a series of releases. Each release is organized to show the special rapport between its audio and visual components."

I am also part of a collective out in Las Vegas called The Rabbit Hole. It's a group of producers and DJs. We tried expanding the scene out here through throwing monthly events every last Thursday of every month. Come through if you're in town!

This was taken from therabbitholelv.com:

"The Rabbit Hole holds monthly events as a music experience that takes our audience on a wild trip with performances by producers/DJs showcasing styles from left field bass, hip-hop instrumentals, and experimental beats. Our sounds are combined with live visuals by the best VJs in the city to elevate your senses and push the experience that much further. We aim to raise the community by establishing a profound music culture."

Paxico Records on Instagram @paxicorecords

The Rabbit Hole on Instagram @therabbitholelv

You’ve been creating beats for years that have inspired others to keep creating and sharing their own sounds, much love. What do you feel keeps you going within music?

At first, creating something really helped with my condition and it was a form of therapy for me. I used to reach out to other artists and told them that their music really helped me get through things when times were rough.

When other people started reaching out to me, doing the same, it felt like a synchronicity that I had to keep in momentum. It became more of a selfless ritual.

There is nothing more rewarding to me than helping others, in any way. It's more than music to me.

What gigs have you performed at that you find have ultimately helped you connect with your fan base on a deeper level? In saying that what do you love most about performing your music to a live crowd and how do you feel listeners react to your music?

The first time we performed out of state was in Arizona. The people out there are so chill and humble. It was all love that night. A real cool cat approached me and told me how my music inspired him to be a better person among other things. I almost shed a thug tear haha. That meant the world to me.

We shared so many laughs that night and now he is a real close friend. Shouts to Jamar for everything and the hospitality.

If I play an all original set that night, the best thing about it is seeing and hearing how people resonate with it. Also, playing like a 90s joint or some James Brown and seeing everyone dance and have a good time, I love that.

You released a track called Baby Steps through Paxico Records, though it’s only a minute and a half it somewhat takes the listeners on a journey through time dabbling in so many genres, basically it’s beautiful! How did Paxico Records get a hold of you and what was it like putting this track together?

Thank you. The homie Chris hit me up through Instagram and complimented me on one of my drawings. I was honored he was feeling my beats too. We eventually started chatting about doing a release and that Baby Steps joint was a track off Love Spells that dropped around Christmas 2013.

I just chopped it and tried to keep the arrangement simple and similar to the original. It was one of the last joints I made while I was working on the project.

Last time we shared words you mentioned enhale as being your favourite track that you’ve put together. A few years have passed since then and I was wondering, is enhale still your go-to or do you have a new favourite track that you’ve put together?

I think I have a different favorite haha. That itsu track off of Conversations.

I made it during the beginning stages of using the SP. I love that sample, and it was crazy because I found it online from like a radio station from the 80s that used to play funk and rare grooves.

What is your favourite part about experimenting within music and how do you feel your music has grown since we last linked up?

I feel like it's grown a lot. Just the way I approach it now, and how it sounds. I've definitely started experimenting more within my work. Also with other genres.

My favourite part about it is discovering a new technique that you didn't know before or making something out of the ordinary actually sound decent.

Messing with other genres almost made me feel like I started over again. It's refreshing to feel that hunger when you first start making music.

Staying on the topic of genre experimentation, you've been working on some new material as of lately. Stuff I was privileged to hear, you're dabbling with house music too. Can’t wait for you to release these tracks as I feel they will without a doubt take their listeners on a soul-soothing journey. In a way that I feel your new projects somewhat show an alter to your usual approach, much love. Can you share what inspired you to put your new tracks together and what message are you trying to humbly portray through your newer releases?

I just always had an idea of making something more uptempo. I originally wanted to make juke, but I had no idea how to make it. I started messing with house drums and added loops to it and it didn't sound too bad.

The other beats I shared with you are from a new project which will be a continuation of a past project. It's still in the works. I'm trying to go back to that sound I started with, in just a more evolved manner.

Have to mention your tracks “greeninblue” (that piano is so damn healing) also have to pop in your track “floating”. Those vocals literally have one upon a cloud in awe, intertwined in that subtle sax, I'm definitely refreshed with each play, much love! 

Both tracks are actually available for download via your ep good juju that was released in September. 

What inspired good juju as a whole and what was it like putting the tracks together for this deeply beautiful release? Also, what’s the reason for the name “good juju”?

When I was working on stuff at that time, it was a bit after I started sampling some newer music, like after the 2010s, and I eventually made a few songs that sounded kind of cohesive. I struggled with coming up with a title for the longest time and that delayed the release haha.

Then I remembered a time when I was in the hospital, another patients and I were on a smoke break. Someone did something that was off in etiquette, and the dude said, "Nah, that's bad juju. Do it this way for good juju."

After he said that I always liked the phrase and what it encompassed. I felt like saying it, portrayed it nicely, and I wanted the project to reflect good karma, fortune, and luck.

good juju - released September 1, 2016  

Over the years what have you learned most about collaborating with other like-minded artists? With more years of experience behind you, what do you feel you enjoy most about the process as of now?

I have learned that collaborating is not for everyone haha. I'm honestly not consistent with collabs, but when it works out it's amazing. I love how each person's flavour is in the collab, and if you flow together it ends up sounding like the best version of each artist. Sometimes, you get surprised like, "Damn, I wouldn't have thought of that." And you always learn new methods from one another.

Any gigs or new release coming up that we should keep an eye out for?

A record with the Virginia rapper DooF will be coming out on vinyl. The gawd KVMI and I will be dropping a collab tape in the near future. Also, that solo project I mentioned earlier will be coming out this year.

Be sure to cop the Fuzzoscope Earwax Shelf Life Compilation that recently came out. Available in digital, cassette, and vinyl: https://fuzzoscope.bandcamp.com/

The next event I will be playing will be a Rabbit Hole Show on June 24th with artists Cecil Purihin, Illathnmst, Linafornia, and Samiyam at the Bunkhouse Saloon, Downtown Las Vegas. You don't wanna miss this!!

Musical Inspirations?

My all-time favorite producer is KanKick. His album "Acid Massive Musical" inspired me to make beats.

Everyone from Oxnard, Madlib, Oh No, etc. Everyone in Green Llama, Dibia$e, selfish., Van45, Fluent, etc. Luke Vibert, Boards of Canada, Inland Knights. Kool G Rap, Black Moon, Cru. There's so many.

Newer producers like Ohbliv, Mndsgn, Devonwho, and LowKey that's also in Green Llama. This kid is the truth!! So young, and such a beast.

Everyone at Paxico and Dirty Tapes, I really love what they're doing. My local homies, Bhonstro, Oneonthebeat, Lwkylky, Mayneframe, Jeb, Supreme-O, Mute, PhillyZane, Monro, somanyfeels, david.cuf, shouts to the family.

Thelonious Monk is my favorite pianist because his style was so unorthodox. I can go on, I'll stop now aha.

Music Recommendations?

If you haven't heard of him, check out Roddy Rod. He's crazy on the chops.

Benny B. Blonco! His kicks shifted my lungs.

Van45, he's super slept on. He used to go by Varan back in the Myspace days, he was one of my favorite producers when I started.

Shouts to the homie lastnamedavid, he put me on to Steve Lacy who is the guitarist for The Internet. He recently came out with a project called Steve Lacy's Demo It won't disappoint.

Any Last words?

Thank you again for having me. Shouts to beatsfortheill and much love to you Sophie. I appreciate the opportunity.

Thank you to all my listeners and supporters, you keep me going. I love all of you.

Shouts to the music homies online, hope to meet you all one day. You know who you are.

Love to my family and friends out here in Vegas. Always got my back no matter what.

Special shoutout to the wifey Shana. She hasn't left me yet hahaha just playing. You're all the support I need, thank you for supporting me with everything and helping me be a better person. I love you.

Shouts to you for reading this, I enjoyed this time.

Hope you have a great day.

Much love and many blessings! Peace!

Support Weirddough Here:

Soundcloud- https://soundcloud.com/weirddough

Bandcamp- https://weirddough.bandcamp.com/

Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/Weirddough-188034481246489/

Twitter-  https://twitter.com/weirddough

[lordhenry]

survey 23

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? Nope.

Are you happier now or three months ago? Three months ago, I had more control over the things happening in my life. I’m getting closer and closer to completely changing my entire life, so yeah. I’m not anticipating that.

What’s the last alcoholic beverage you had? Vodka, followed by gin.

What did you buy the last time you went shopping? 3 shirts that were relatable, hahah. Cheers, coffee, and Japan.

If you smoke then what is your favourite brand? I don’t really smoke, but when I tried before.. I guess I liked Lucky Strikes.

What was the grossest thing that you ever ate? Maybe chicken feet? I don’t know, I don’t eat a lot of gross food.

What is the coolest thing about your job? The whole place’s concept, I guess. The fact that it’s a hotel-casino complex with lots of entertainment and shopping/dining options.

What is your favorite cologne/perfume? Hypnotic Poison - Dior.

Do you own more than 10 pairs of shoes? Yes.

What`s the longest paper that you wrote in school? 70+ for research. Ugh, worst memory of Academic 2017, ever. Worst subject, worst prof, worst everything.

What`s your favourite food in the whole world? King Crab came to mind.

What kind of food can you not stand? Liver. Guaranteed instant vomit.

What`s the last thing that one of your parents said to you? "Nobody speaks to me. Have I upset everyone?”

What is something you wish you could do? Be friendly, approachable and outgoing.

Do you ride a bus regularly? For work, yes. Otherwise, no.

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Dangerous Liaisons, Love Actually, Death At A Funeral, and Fight Club.

Do you live alone? For work, but not right now as I haven’t gone for a week.

How often do you update your status on Facebook? Almost never.

Would you rather see a movie the day it comes out, or wait a few days? Whenever is convenient for me.

What activities do you prefer to do at night rather than in the daytime? Wasting time, relaxing, drinking coffee or tea, and drinking alcohol.

Do you prefer ice cream on a cone, in a bowl, or in a cup? I can’t enjoy ice cream on my own pace if it’s on a cone, so cup.

Do you like eating breakfast at times other than the morning? Yeah, sometimes I eat cereals whenever.

Would you rather date someone who played the guitar or drums? I don’t care, but if I had to pick then drums so we could jam. I play a bit of guitar so.

Have you ever liked anyone that was in a relationship with someone else? Yes.

Would you ever get a boob job? Nah. Not wearing a bra feels like heaven.

Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? It was all me.

Do you ever ignore texts from some people? Yes, unless it’s important.

What does your last text message say? “I tried hard not to roll my eyes.”

What colour is your hair right now? Black.

Do people ever tell you that you’re funny? Unintentionally so, yes.

Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? Nope.

Do you look intimidating? People say so.

How is your hair? Healthy. I really like it.

Look outside how’s the weather? It’s raining! Yay.

Did you ever think someone didn’t like you, but come to find out they really did? Yes.

Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? Sure, it would be boring but it’s manageable.

Ever given your all to someone who walked away? I don’t think so.

Have you ever done your makeup in class? Nope. But I did swatch lipsticks in class cause my friends and I ordered some online. :))

Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level? Reasonable.

Would you rather have big or small dogs? Big dogs.

What’s one fruit you love in drinks? Lemon.

What do you label yourself as? Undercurrent.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? I don’t see myself that way any time soon.

Will your next kiss be drunk or sober? Hopefully sober, and hopefully far from now.

Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today? How many? I had maybe 1 or 2.

Are you an alcoholic? I don’t really know what constitutes alcoholic, if excessive drinking then definitely not. I almost never say no to alcohol though. :))))

What’s one thing you really want right now? For everything to fall into place.

Who all do you have texts from in your phone? Dani, Pea, Justin, Mum, Andrea, Joe, Pam, the HR recruitment guy, etc.

Who was the last person you took a picture with? My older brother.

Who are you more like, mom or dad? I take after them both in such different ways. But personality-wise, I’m closer to dad. At least the rational/logical way of thinking and our dark dank humour.

Describe your life in one word? Unsteady.

What is your natural hair color? Dark brown/black.

Weirdest place you’ve kissed someone? ?? I dunno? Recent one was in a car and randomly/stolen so?? Everything was weird to me. Idk.

Ever stopped kissing someone because they had bad breath? No, not bad breath lmao just didn’t want it to happen.

Ever kissed someone on a dare/as part of a game? Yes. Just a peck. For the record, they were my elementary buddies and everybody pecked everybody. I know it sounds weird, but... :))))

Do you usually kiss on the first date? No. And why is everything about kissing jfc.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? Mid 30s.

Are you waiting for something? Edit: Nope. (Forgot to delete someone else’s answer, so nope I’m not working as a meat processor or something.)

Do you think you’ll be married in ten years? I hope not.

Do you think you and your best friend will be friends in 10 years? I think so!

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Not anymore. Not since high school.

What’s a fact about the last person you kissed? Ugh. Idk? He’s studying Engineering?

What plans do you have for tomorrow? Wake up early, finish my remaining hours in the Academics office, andddd eat Japanese for lunch.

When was the last time you were sick? Just a week ago.

Would you rather be able to control the weather or control traffic? Traffic.

Do you own any articles of clothing with skulls on it? Yes.

Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? Typing on the computer.

Your last relationship, who dumped who? I dumped him.

How old were you when you had your first boyfriend/girlfriend? 18.

What if you got stuck in a lift with the last person who Facebook messaged you? She would absolutely panic, and I would laugh at her.

Do you think someone has feelings for you? Are these feelings returned? No. Probably not.

What if the last person you texted were to ask you out? I’m not gay.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Explain. Nope. Calm down, you don’t even know them.

When you listen to music, do you ever find that the songs affect your moods and change how you feel? It’s the other way around.

Can you remember what you dreamt about last night? Yes. I was an executioner, and I used bow and arrows. o_o 

[whittlebaggett8]

From the Ruins of the Caliphate: Sri Lanka’s Bloody Easter

No sooner had the news of the serial bombings in Sri Lanka on Easter Sunday spread than fevered attempts were made to pin the attacks to the known brands of international terrorist outfits like the Islamic State (IS) and Al-Qaeda in the Indian Subcontinent (AQIS).

While a handful of experts argued that the “DNA of the attacks” matched that of IS and that the scale clearly shows signs of the involvement of a foreign hand, some others disagreed and said this looked to be more up AQIS’ street.

On Tuesday, two full days after the attacks, an account on Telegram claiming to be “official IS” sent out a message taking responsibility for the attacks. This was followed by a longer press release and a video showing the supposed attackers in front of the Islamic State’s black flag, swearing allegiance to the cause of the Caliphate. While that invariably closes the debate over which brand the attacks will be associated with, not everything adds up neatly.

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The Easter Sunday bombings might actually herald a new era of pan-South Asian jihadist violence — one that has learned some hard lessons from the fall of the Caliphate in Mosul.

Is it IS?

Before IS claimed the attack as their own, three main reasons were cited by those who said the group was responsible. First is the choice of Christian churches (over sites specific to Sri Lanka’s Buddhist majority) and the suggested plot that this was a revenge attack for the Christchurch mosque shootings. Second was the “scale of attacks,” which according to some could not have been achieved without foreign assistance. Speaking to the Sri Lankan parliament, Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe said “evidence had been found on foreign links of the attacks.” A third element cited by those arguing for IS culpability was the use of suicide bombers, which is infrequent in South Asia but very common for IS in the Middle East.

It’s important to look carefully at the assumptions that underline these reasons, because on closer examination, none are foolproof identifiers of IS.

Sri Lanka witnessed one of the world’s bloodiest and longest civil wars in modern history from 1983 to 2009 when the Tamil secessionist movement was at its peak. During this time coordinated bombings using improvised explosive devices (IEDs) were a regular phenomenon.

The Liberation Tigers of Tamil Elam (LTTE) extensively used IEDs against an array of targets, including Sinhalese residential areas, high-value targets like lawmakers and heads of state, and financial hubs like the Central Bank of Sri Lanka.

The Tamil separatists were not alone in using such tactics. Maoist offshoots of the erstwhile Ceylon Communist Party regularly used IEDs and hand-assembled mines to carry out ambushes and attacks. In fact, through the now-defunct Revolutionary Internationalist Movement, Sri Lankan guerrillas had well established channels of skill sharing and training with the Maoists of India and Nepal.

While Tamil separatism may now be a spent force, the skills involved in making IEDs, the availability of the raw material needed, and the training and organization required to plan and trigger them in unison are well within the reach of several local outfits.

“The explosives used in these attacks are available all around Sri Lanka,” Sirish Thorat, a private intelligence expert specializing in the Maldives and the Southern Indian peninsula, said in an interview with The Diplomat. “Even fishermen use it to bomb shoals of fish! Wouldn’t IS have something better?”

As for suicide bombings, before IS or even al-Qaeda were even conceived, the LTTE had an entire wing dedicated to this form of warfare.

As early as 1987, the LTTE was using suicide bombing tactics. On July 5 that year, Vallipuram Vasanthan drove an explosive-laden truck into the Sri Lankan military base at Jaffna and killed 40 military men, sending political shockwaves through the establishment. The successful attack led to the formation of the feared and revered Black Tigers unit of suicide bombers.

Just as jihadists do now with their suicide bombers, the Black Tigers were personally vetted by the chief (in the LTTE’s case, Velupillai Prabhakaran himself), and they were made to undergo at least a year of isolated indoctrination before becoming commissioned operatives.

Over the decades the Black Tigers suicide bombers carried out several mass bombings like the Easter Sunday attack and took down super high-value targets like Indian Prime Minster Rajiv Gandhi in 1991 and Sri Lankan President Ranasinghe Premadasa in 1993, as well as several high ranking ministers and parliamentarians.

The LTTE learned suicide bombing and the use of explosive laden trucks from contemporary Middle Eastern insurgencies, but the rigor and discipline they brought to this form of warfare changed it forever. In a way, the post-9/11 jihadist movements learned from the Sri Lankans and not the other way round.

So to see IS influence simply in a man carrying a backpack filled with explosives and blowing himself up is at best myopic, and at worst an agenda-driven conclusion drawn disregarding a whole body of well recorded and recent history.

By far the most non-IS like feature of the Easter bombings was the time taken by IS to make their claim.

Speaking to The Diplomat, Hormis Tharakkan, a former chief of India’s intelligence agency, the Research and Analysis Wing (R&AW) who specialized in the southern Indian sector, took a jibe at the IS claim, saying: “Looks as if ISIS came to know [of the attacks] from the media!”

Often in the past, IS sent out messages declaring their plans to attack a city or a region ahead of the actual strike. No such warning was given out before the Easter bombings.

Furthermore, IS has a demonstrated history of taking credit for the smallest of deeds by Muslim insurgents, no matter how remotely they were connected to the main network based in Syria and Iraq. This habit is an essential part of their propaganda tactics of appearing larger and more global than they actually were.

In the Holey Artisan Bakery attack in Dhaka, Bangladesh, IS imparted no real military training nor provided any funding or matériel to the hostage-takers. Nevertheless, they had their promotional material ready well before the hostage-taking had started. And even before the smoke and dust settled at the bakery, photos of the hostage takers posing with their black flags were shared on the internet, accompanied by declarations of gratitude and extolment to the fallen martyrs.

In the case of the New York Port Authority Bus Terminal bombing, the wannabe Bangladeshi terrorist Akayed Ullah, was “self-radicalized” — meaning all he did was watch videos and consume jihadist promotional material online. Even the bomb he tried to detonate on Christmas Eve was a dud and didn’t do any real damage. Yet IS’ internet channels immediately hailed him as one of their own. This genre even has its own name now: IS “inspired” attacks.

But in the Sri Lankan case, no known IS social media handles came out with claims or prepared propaganda for a good two days. Even the darknet sites and bulletin boards frequented by IS supporters have continued the deathly silence that has descended on them since the onset of the Russo-Syrian-PKK offensive on Mosul.

The first IS claim came on Tuesday, through a Telegram handle claiming to belong to Amaq — IS’ official publicity organ.

An al-Qaeda Connection?

“Al-Qaeda is better at exploiting local strife than the IS ever was,” Sirish Thorat, the private intelligence gatherer, said. “There has been a lot of strife between Muslims and other communities in Sri Lanka and there is obviously a good amount of resentment and anger, which can be directed towards acts like the Easter bombing.”

There is another good reason to name AQIS as a more likely candidate for the Easter Sunday bombings — the fact that the Indians and Bangladeshis knew about it before anyone else.

According to sources close to Indian intelligence who spoke to The Diplomat, R&AW and the Intelligence Bureau (IB) picked up “extremist chatter” through their signals intelligence arm, the National Technical Research Organisation (NTRO). A source in the Bangladeshi Directorate General of Forces Intelligence (DGFI) also confirmed picking something up in their locality and passing it onto the Indians.

This information was passed to the Sri Lankan security authorities through a diplomatic channel via a report that The Diplomat has viewed.

The report is as detailed as intelligence briefings go and lists target sites and accurately names the operatives. But other than naming a local group, the National Towheed Jamaat, the agencies remained noncommittal about naming any international group involved.

Speaking to this reporter, a recent member of the board of advisors to the national security advisor of India said: “I have reason to believe that Indian intelligence did pick up some extremist chatter that led to an initial suspicion that the Indian high commission in Colombo and some hotels may be targets of suicide bombing soon. So the Sri Lankans were perhaps alerted. But they still have to build on the initial Intel and figure who exactly was behind the attack.”

India’s SIGINT and HUMINT capabilities are almost entirely focused on Pakistan. Given that al-Qaeda’s traditional South Asian networks have been very close to the Pakistani military establishment, Indian intelligence could have picked up said “extremist chatter” from the AQIS network alone.

Rana Banerjee, a former R&AW operative responsible for the Af-Pak region, agreed, saying: “India’s main focus and strength have been in that [Af-Pak] region and we get good SIGINT from these listening posts,” he said. “So yes, there is a strong likelihood of the news spreading through the AQIS network.”

Yet in the same breath, he added: “But what we have [from the Sri Lankan attacks] is too little to go on.”

In part, skepticism about AQIS involvement is rooted in the fact that the once smoothly functioning hierarchy of anti-India jihadist groups is now in disarray.

On the one hand Bangladesh, Nepal, Bhutan, and Afghanistan have carried out sustained crackdowns on anti-Indian groups that had bases on their soil. On the other hand, the Pakistani military and its intelligence wing, the Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI), are reported to be severely cash strapped and unable to keep its flock intact. As a result, even long-time operatives of the subcontinent have turned their coats, gone freelance, or hung up their insurgent boots and taken on regular jobs.

The Local Element

While there can be little disagreement about the “foreign hand” in the Easter Sunday bombings, the local political and criminal scene demands close scrutiny. What lies within points to designs of greater enormity than just the April 21 bombings.

“This is no ‘intelligence failure,’” Saikiran Kannan, a Singapore based Tamil-speaking hacker said in an interview with The Diplomat. A financial consultant by day, Saikiran specializes in open source investigations, tracking and analyzing jihadists on social media.

“Forget Indians giving foreign intelligence to the Lankan government, there were inputs from the country’s own Muslim population that said something was up. The Lankan security establishment just didn’t act.”

According to Saikiran, there can only be two explanations for this inaction.

Either the Sri Lankan military and police didn’t know how to act on this input — which in Saikiran’s words is “rather hard to sell” — or elements in the country’s polity, including the defense and security establishments, wanted this to happen as a way of damaging the incumbent government.

Sri Lanka goes to polls in 2020. Given the tradition of acrimonious political infighting in the country, using an event as violent as the Easter bombings for short-term political gains isn’t that far fetched.

Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe and President Maithripala Sirisena have been bitter political rivals since the latter abruptly sacked the former in October 2018 and installed Mahinda Rajapaksa, the country’s former president, as the new premier.

Though Rajpaksa was ousted less than two months later when the Sri Lankan courts overruled Sirisena’s move, the Wickremesinghe-Sirisena rivalry hasn’t died out.

In fact, some of Colombo’s political journalists (who cooperated with the writing of this report) minced no words in saying how the bombings dovetail into election season and the internecine power struggles of the Sri Lankan polity.

What lends credence to this conspiracy theory is also the overt bias shown by the military establishment in favor of the president.

Notably, Sirisena also holds the country’s defense minister portfolio and the military establishments report to him, while the civilian police report to Wickremesinghe.

According to Dr. Rajitha Senaratne, a government spokesperson, there had been multiple warnings issued since April 4. The first memo was issued by Sisira Mendis, chief of national intelligence, to the inspector general of police on April 9.

Deputy Inspector General (DIG) Priyalal Dassanayake then wrote to a slew of agencies — including the Security Division, Judicial Security Division, Retired Presidents Security Division, Acting Directors of Diplomatic Security Division, and Acting Directors of Retired Presidents Security Division — on April 11 requesting tightening of security measures.

Nothing was done.

Sirisena, who left the country on a private trip to Singapore before the Easter bombings, has to date refused to confirm or deny if he was aware of these reports.

Moreover, when Wickremesinghe called an emergency meeting of the security heads immediately after the bombings, several key members failed to show up.

“I can say with 90 percent surety that was some support within the [security] agencies as much as it was IS inspired,” Saikiran said.

Saikiran’s views about deliberate inaction by the Sri Lankan security agencies tie in with The Diplomat’s aforementioned source in the national security advisory board of India.

“We can’t force the Lankans to act,” he said. “But we couldn’t afford an attack on the Indian High Commission. So we independently went into a security overdrive and took a slew of protective measures. We reinforced the inner perimeter, slowed down visa processing, and heavily profiled visitors to the embassy.”

The Usual Suspects

Another glaring aspect of this story that deserves attention is the manner in which the Sri Lanka government apparently turned a blind eye to the hateful preaching of Zahran Hashim, reportedly the lead suicide bomber, and the wealthy Ibrahim family that sponsored him and later participated in the Easter Sunday bombing.

Hashim wasn’t someone who was under the radar; he was quite prominent.

An alumnus of several fundamentalist madrasas in Sri Lanka, India, Pakistan, and the Maldives, Hashim reportedly travelled to Syria. When Hashim returned to his homeland in Kattankundy, he decided to start his own mosque and madrasa. He broke from the famous Sri Lankan Tawhid Jamaat and started a group called the National Tawhid Jamaat. It was this group that Indian intelligence named in its communique warning of an impending attack.

Hashim had been openly preaching hate and calling for violent jihad for several years.

The Islamic State’s official internet video channel, Al-Ghuraba, had featured Hashim’s Tamil language videos, in which he exhorts young Sri Lankan Muslims to dedicate themselves to the cause of the Caliphate by taking up arms, giving money, and joining the jihad.

Hashim had also had several run-ins with the law, including once when several Muslim families in Kattankundy reported him for hate mongering and trying to cause rifts in the community. As per some reports, the Criminal Investigations Department (CID) of the police had a running file on him.

The involvement of the Ibrahim family is another clear indicator that strong local political undercurrents are at play here. The Ibrahims are a family of rich spice traders who have hobnobbed with the Sri Lankan political elite. Three members of the Ibrahim family were part of the suicide squad: brothers Inshaf and Ilham, and Inshaf’s wife Fatima.

Fatima wasn’t named early on, but according to Saikiran Kannan, Fatima can be seen in the IS photo standing behind the men.

On April 24, M. L. A. M. Hizbullah, governor of the Eastern Province, was called in for questioning by the CID for his proximity to the National Tawheed Jamaat. In addition to being close to the Ibrahims, Hizbullah is a well-known Sirisena/Rajapaksa loyalist who chose to go against Ranil Wickremesinghe during the October 2018 turmoil.

The Easter Sunday bombings may have breathed new life into the Islamic State brand in its post-Mosul existence. But this new version of IS won’t just be a copy of what was in Syria and Iraq; it will be South Asia’s own. One that has evolved from the failed mission in Syria and adapted to suit local political and social conditions.

Siddharthya Roy is a New Delhi-based correspondent on South Asian affairs.

Stephanie Rose Justin is a Sri Lankan journalist.

The post From the Ruins of the Caliphate: Sri Lanka’s Bloody Easter appeared first on Defence Online.

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[thebandcampdiaries]

Deondrick - Goodspeed.

Some rap artists aim to make music to entertain. Others, have a much deeper goal at their hands. They want to inspire and engage their audience with a positive and meaningful message. This is definitely the case of Deondrick, a talented hip-hop artist who set out to release a brand new album titled “Godspeed”.

This album is particularly accomplished and clean-cut, and the feat is particularly impressive, since this is actually Deondrick’s debut project! I am particularly impressed by the overall production of this record, because it really has everything that you might expect from the best rap music. A deep low end with a lot of bass, a silky top and vocals that sit right to the forefront of each mix.

This release really hits the mark, and it signifies a very important milestone for the rapper, who is showcasing a lot of growth. As an artist, Deondrick has been inspired by the flow of hip-hop influencers such as Kendrick Lamar, J Cole, A Tribe Called Quests and many others, bridging the gaps between the timeless sound of the golden age, and the amazing tone of new school rap. As a result, you really have a collection of tracks that sound very modern and detailed, but also punchy and gritty.

The album actually features 10 original songs, including a powerful introductory number called “Introitus” which really serves as a great opener, welcoming listeners into the fold and giving the audience a great sense of what the artist is all about. The following song, “Make a Splash” is probably one of the most energetic tracks on this release. I love the groove of the track, and the fact that there is a lot of melody to it! The music goes on with “S&T”, a fantastic track that really shines a light on Deondrick’s fantastic lyrical skills and capabilities. Following a rather brief (under two minutes) interlude track titled “O.T.S. Interlude,” the following track hits, becoming one of the most impressive sections of the record, in my opinion. “Elevator’s at One” is a sophisticated number with a lot of nuances, but it still remains quite simple at heart. The next track, “God or God’s Speed” is also impressive, not only because of the great production value but also because of the really wonderful lyrics and impressive vocal delivery. “His Real Light” is perhaps on of the most meaningful and powerful songs on this entire album, and it is one of those songs that really exemplifies how Deondrick is actually using his music to speak to the listeners, offering them a powerful message of hope, redemption and salvation. In addition to that, “My Promise” also shines a light on the artist’s personal and touching blend of songwriting. Some rappers always seem to go on and on about the same old cliches, but it is certainly not the case with Deondrick, who arguably took a lot of time to craft this album to perfection, and make sure that every piece of lyric, every word, and every beat is absolutely in the right place, any given time. The next track, “Thank You Sir (Intro to the Reveal” is really a rollercoaster of a song, and it is also the longest number on the record, clocking in at 5.22 minutes. Last, but certainly not least, “Split Persons Show” is the perfect curtain closer to this release, bringing the album full circle.

In conclusion, this project is really something special for Deondrick, and it does a great job at combining his passion for R&B, soul and rap into a new, evocative style. His work is detailed, meaningful and spot-on, and this album certainly sounds like the work of a very accomplished artist. We can’t wait to hear what’s in store for the future, and with an album where you can hear so many influences and creative ideas, I am very sure that there will be a lot to look forward to for this talented performer! This full album is direct, energetic, meaningful and emotional, but also raw and edgy - capturing the best you can expect from a hip-hop album.

Deondrick’s album, “Godspeed,” is currently available on all social media platforms: simply choose your favorite streaming website, go ahead and enjoy the new release!

http://smarturl.it/DeondrickGodspeed

We also had the opportunity to catch up with the artist: keep reading to learn more!

I love how you manage to render your tracks so personal and organic. Does the melody come first, or do you focus on the beat the most?

Answer: Thank you, I appreciate that! At this stage in my career, the instrumental usually comes first. I have melodies that play in my head all day and I always record them on my phone for reference.  I would love to be in the studio with a producer crafting a song strictly off of my melodic ideas but that’s not where I am at this juncture.

Do you perform live? If so, do you feel more comfortable on a stage or within the walls of the recording studio?

Answer: I would love to perform live and I’d be comfortable in any environment. I’ve been preforming music since I was six but I haven’t performed in 6 or 7 years now and I am looking forward to my first performance in this new space that I am in.

If you could only pick one song to make a “first impression” on a new listener, which song would you pick and why?

Answer: With no hesitation, it would have to be Introitus. That song really does show where I am now and also my potential. Introitus also showcases a whole new sound that we haven’t heard in some time.

What does it take to be “innovative” in music?

Answer: It doesn’t take much, at least for me. For me to be innovative, when it’s time to make music, I simply rid myself of all distractions and focus on attacking the instrumental the best way that I personally see fit. I could easily go back and listen to see what the great artists before me have done on certain tracks that I could apply to my own work. I actually do partake in that because without them I wouldn’t have known how to start. But that only happens before I start working on a body of work, as soon as I press play on the first confirmed instrumental, I pretty much force myself to figure it out on my own.

Any upcoming release or tour your way?

Answer: That would be a huge blessing! But none at the moment, I have zero “fam” base right now and I couldn’t do it without them. Yes I said “fam” base because they would all be dear and near to me, as soon as they’re ready to join the family.

Anywhere online where curious fans can listen to your music and find out more about you?

Answer: Yes of course! I am on all social media platforms at: RealDeondrick. I am most active on twitter and Instagram so those would be the main places for updates.