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breatheinthesea · 8 years ago

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Truth, set me free

If you’re reading this right now, I assume you’re coming from my video or you just happen to be among the few thousand who still follow this account-

either way, and regardless of if you know me personally or not, I just have to start off by saying thank you. A genuine thank you- one that could make me cry just thinking about. I know anyone who couldn’t give a rats ass about me or my life wouldn’t be here, so by default, I’m guessing (secretly hoping) the rest of you do. Anyway, thank you for reading this. I know it’s long as hell and will take up some of your minutes here on earth, and that’s important to me, that you chose to be here rather than anywhere else. I want it to be like we’re sitting on the bed talking like best friends do when they really need to open up about something that’s been hurting them, even if I’m a complete stranger or just another “youtuber” to you. And speaking of best friends, I haven’t really fully opened up to mine about what’s been going on, so if you’re reading, I’m sorry for being so distant this past year and a half, and I hope this blog post helps everyone and anyone in whatever way it can. It will surely be helping me.

So, where to begin? is the question I am haunted by every time I think about actually writing this blog post. I begin obsessing over the starting point and then never end up starting, which can be so utterly frustrating. I have a thousand thoughts racing through my head, it’s hard enough to grab onto one, let alone place it in the perfect sequence. While writing used to ease my mind, now I am just overwhelmed by the never-ending options of words to use, opportunities to make run-on sentences, and ways to say everything I wish I would��ve said differently. I over-analyze every sentence, read it over and over and have to convince myself not to delete it. So as you can imagine, I’ve avoided any kind of writing lately- journaling, blogging, texting friends and emailing companies back, etc… You get the idea. Basically, something I used to love has turned into a struggle, something I avoid like the plague. And my mentioning this is to make a comparison of what my life’s turned into- something I used to love and now completely struggle to manage on a daily basis.

If you happened to sit through my agonizingly long video titled “Where Have I Been?”, then you’re probably already familiar with the fact that I’ve struggled with mental illness for a while now. If you didn’t watch it, and don’t want to, I basically explained that in the beginning of 2015, I began losing myself. I started questioning my religion that I had put my entire identity into, thus launching me into an identity and existential crisis, which I couldn’t really recognize at the time and surely didn’t know how to process. I felt extreme guilt, shame, and self-hatred for not being the person I thought I was for so many years, and who others expected me to be. I only confided in very few people, and they all told me to just keep praying and trying to mend my relationship with God, and when that didn’t work, I felt obligated to wear a mask of certainty to compensate for how terrified I was of actually admitting I didn’t know what I believed. It was exhausting and painful to keep up that facade, especially being so formerly open and confident about it online.

Now that I’ve spent the time analyzing exactly what happened and asking myself “where did it all go wrong?”, I’ve discovered the questioning and doubting actually began in 2013. I just couldn’t handle it anymore after two years of feeling like a fake, a sinner, a liar, and a person who was surely going to hell if I had died. And as it goes, those internalized emotions that I had been bottling up for years eventually manifested into harming myself in a desperate attempt to get the people around me to realize I was not okay. And it worked. I got the attention I desired, and it quickly turned into an obsession that I had not prepared myself for at all. I always believed I was in control of it, but just like with any addiction, it soon took control over me. I was powerless to the urges and addicted to the rush. I started cutting on February 7th, 2015 and didn’t stop until October 5th- 3 trips to the ER, 25 stitches, and 4 days in a psych ward later. It was the worst time of my life, and I was sure I had hit rock bottom.

Nope haha.

After months of therapy, I thought things were starting to look up. I moved out of my apartment that encased those terrible memories, and planned to start completely fresh. I was determined to get happy again. I began embracing the unknown and started aligning my actions with my morals. I discovered veganism and realized what I had been missing my entire life. I started smoking marijuana again after 5 years of demonizing it, which in turn helped keep me away from the heavy drinking which was a major trigger for my self-harm (I finally quit after cutting through a nerve that made me lose feeling in half my forearm.) I moved into an even bigger apartment, started dating someone who thought like I did, and spent all my time and energy trying to control and perfect every aspect of my life to make up for the years I felt I had wasted. I made my beauty room white and sparkly like everyone else’s, bought a better camera, new lighting, a monitor, a green screen, a new microphone, etc… and once everything was perfect in my eyes, I vowed to my subscribers that I was back, that “2016 would be my bitch”.

Nope again haha.

I still felt empty. I still wasn’t satisfied. I was still filling a void. While I attempted to make everything around me perfect, I just felt more and more imperfect. Thoughts of being incompetent, a failure, not good enough, and a waste of talent were all I could focus on. Filming gave me anxiety like I had never experienced before, and I was never satisfied with any video I tried to produce. My heart was simply no longer in it because the perfectionism I acquired inhibited any form of enjoyment that I formerly got from creating youtube videos. And this shattered me, because I had no plan B. I had no college degree to fall back on, no other passions, this was it for me. So I pushed on, and tried my best, but fell short over and over. The shame of not feeling capable of doing a job I used to be in love with, and that others would kill for and find incredibly easy, weighed on me every day like a ton of bricks. I watched other youtuber’s execute videos so flawlessly and passionately and instead of getting inspired, I became crippled with envy and decided I could never be as talented, as professional, as funny, as naturally beautiful as them, and this was so disheartening coming from a person who used to make videos called “how to be confident”. I realized that while I had recognized that I lost myself somewhere along the way, I never truly found myself, and still haven’t. I got swept up in my own depression, leaning solely on my boyfriend to make me happy, and we all know that doesn’t and cannot work for the benefit of both people in a relationship. I became attached, overly dependent, extremely jealous and it only caused more pain. I had so much negative energy, it was like carrying a cloud around me where anyone who came close would just suffocate with me.

Of course, I didn’t want to feel this way, and I noticed the only time I felt okay with myself was when I was high. So I stayed high. My addictive personality leached onto this plant like it was my new savior. I couldn’t stand being sober, because it revealed how miserable I was inside. I wasn’t willing or simply didn’t know how to deal with my emotions, and it got worse and worse as I continued to self-medicate and ignore the root cause of my depression and anxiety for months. I tried medication after medication and the up’s and downs from those side effects were truly unbearable at times. There were weeks where I didn’t enjoy anything or even recognize myself. My favorite foods didn’t appeal to me and all I wanted to do was sleep where I finally felt safe in a dream. I remember listening to music and there wasn’t a single song that made me feel anything. Nothing. It’s like I was a robot, just a body with no soul inside. I remember walking into my mom’s house one day and not recognizing her face. I remember getting my skirt altered for my best friend’s wedding and I was just staring out the window thinking “I’m not real. None of this is real.” I often felt like I was tripping and had to have someone convince me I was a real person, in a real world. My perception of reality would become so distorted. It sent me into panic, I would have severe episodes of rage and confusion and no one would know what to do about it or how to help me. This happened multiple times a week for a period of time. This is the type of shit that convinces people to kill themselves because they lose any attachment to themselves or outer world. It was the scariest shit I’ve ever experienced, and partially why I’ve sworn against anti-depressants and mood stabilizers for a while.

My life felt like it was falling apart, and well, it pretty much was. My income was decreasing at an alarming rate due to the fact that I was barely filming videos and terminated all contracts with any companies that tested on animals (all of them). I spent my money so carelessly because I never imagined that with this job I could ever fall back into debt. I was financially stable for so many years and expected that to be the case for a long time, but I was very wrong. The last month of living in my apartment I had to ask another Youtuber to loan me money to pay my rent, which was incredibly embarrassing and shameful for me, but thank god for kind and generous friends. I moved back into my moms house in October and my depression, anxiety and manic episodes continued full force.

I’m getting anxious at this point, biting my cuticles like a mad man trying to make sure my story comes across accurately. I’ve been putting this off for so long that now I just want it done and over with so I can move forward. But I don’t want to forget anything, or not include the important details of what’s been happening. But then again, I’m in control of this, and I think I just need to hurry it up. So, long story short, things got even worse once I moved home, which I didn’t think was possible. I was still smoking every day, my relationship with my mom was turning very ugly with almost every conversation ending in “fuck you” instead of “I love you.” I barely left my room and was sleeping more than any normal person should. My rage was at an all time high. We found a different psychiatrist to do some intensive testing on me, and after 4 hours of questioning, it was revealed to me that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. This was relieving and shocking all at the same time. I didn’t know what that “disorder” was when I first found out, but once I researched more, I realized I definitely acquired it somewhere along the way, and this was somewhat good news because now we at least had some direction to go in as far as treating it.

I started therapy again but it just wasn’t enough. I was still an emotional roller coaster every day, with no ambition to help myself and still completely reliant on marijuana to mellow me out. Everything overwhelmed me, everything scared me, and nothing was good enough. I would just stare at my walls and genuinely want to be dead. I was consumed by negative thoughts, and felt there was no way out. That’s when I decided to go to treatment.

I’ve been in treatment since January 25th. I go to a psychiatric facility every single day for 7 hours, and will for another month. We focus on DBT therapy and so far I’ve seen some improvement. I no longer have the manic episodes, and I’m learning how to control my anger in healthier ways. I’ve been sober for 67 days and will remain so for the duration of my treatment. I’ve met some pretty amazing people there, and just the structure and routine of it has been something I’ve needed for a long time. I don’t consider it a “cure” and my mental illnesses are something I will have to battle for a long, long time. Maybe even the rest of my life. But I can see the light now when for months all I saw was darkness. I’ve started reading books again and have fallen in love with learning and expanding the horizons of my mind. I’ve realized that nothing is the same as it was and nothing should ever be the same as it was. I am constantly growing and constantly becoming. I know now that I had a very abrupt spiritual awakening when I couldn’t yet comprehend that I was wakening, and it has proven to be the most important challenge in my life thus far, and for that, I am grateful.

As far as Youtube goes, all I can say is I didn’t come this far to only come this far. I have shit to say and minds to reach. I am working day in and day out to overcome my perfectionism and anxiety so I can return to Youtube as the absolute best version of myself. It will take time. It will take patience on both ends. I have to re-learn how to love myself and I’m sure some of you can relate to that. But I’m just so fucking thankful the universe gave me this job and this platform that I get to come back to when I feel ready. I know not everyone has agreed or understood why I can’t just film myself putting on makeup, but I hope this blog post has helped you realize why. When you get an illness, you take time off of work. When you get a mental illness, you should 100% do the same. It was me against myself the entire time. I don’t know exactly when, but I stopped loving myself and it crushed my spirit, crushed everything I had ever loved, including Youtube. And don’t get me started on the overwhelming amounts of guilt for not using my platform to spread the vegan message. That’s a whole other story.

Meditation, DBT skills, books, and TED talks are about the only things keeping me sane right now. I’ve had to accept the fact that I’m a work in progress and I hope everyone else can too. We’re all struggling with something. Life is fucking hard. But I’ve survived my darkest days and know that the only direction I can go from here is up and that is exciting. But I am still scuffling for stability, especially financially. I know it’s been obvious with the sporadic sponsored videos but for right now, that is just the reality of it. I need money to stay afloat just like you do, and I’m trying my best to stay true to myself in the process, but it has been very compromising. I’m still trying to figure this all out. And I appreciate those of you who are understanding and defend my integrity in those situations where it is questioned. I get it, though, and I’m going to make it up to you. It is my goal to return to my channel as a new evolved being, with a passion for makeup artistry and MANY other things. I am completely open for suggestions when it comes to future content, but I won’t be reading comments for a while until I know I can handle it. My friends and family will be reporting back to me with requests and constructive criticism so we can still stay connected.

I can’t believe I’m about to end this post when I never thought I’d see it come to completion. What a weight it was to carry. I feel so relieved and so happy to have gotten this off my chest and into the abyss of the universe. I cannot predict what this will mean or what it will do for someone, but my hope is that it is a catalyst for support, love, and positive endeavors moving forward. I will not return to social media if I cannot do it wholeheartedly. I must be unapologetically myself as I am still learning who that is, so it will be interesting haha. For the first time in a while, I am excited for the future. I hope y’all are too. Thank you immensely for your unconditional support and friendship. Despite everything, I know I am very blessed.

Thank you for reading.

“Transformation isn't sweet or bright. It’s a dark and murky, painful pushing. An unraveling of the untruths you’ve carried in your body. A complete uprooting before becoming.”

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