#The adhd or whatever definitely isn't helping because I can barely complete a task that doesn't have a tangible value OR THAT REPEATS ITSEL
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#Trying to get excited for Christmas and other good things coming up but I'm very much slipping back into that feeling of time going by#simultaneously too fast and too slow#like things aren't moving fast enough yet I feel time slipping through my fingers#And I have a million and one things I need to do but I can't get any of them done#I'm overwhelmed by how much there is to do yet underwhelmed and directionless because the days are starting to blur together#It feels like every day and every week is the same unchanging routine#But I don't have the motivation to do anything different or hard#Just whatever will give me that instant gratification and make a day feel even slightly special#I'm doing things not because I actually feel like I want to but because. well. my to do list says I'm supposed to so ig I should right?#It's getting harder to maintain any sort of relationships. It's getting harder to actually reach out and talk to people.#I'm just coasting at this point but it gives me so much anxiety because what if something happens to me and this is all I did with my life#I never write that book I never make the art I wanted to make I never make those videos and watch those movies or do those fun things with#my friends#I just get up go to work come home stress about the things I know I won't get done tonight repeat#The adhd or whatever definitely isn't helping because I can barely complete a task that doesn't have a tangible value OR THAT REPEATS ITSEL#LIKE I HATE PUTTING AWAY LAUNDRY BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE A TEMPORARY (AND THEREFORE USELESS) ACCOMPLISHMENT#WHY PUT IN WHAT FEELS LIKE AN IMPOSSIBLR EFFORT WHEN I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO TAKE IT DOWN AND WASH IT AGAIN#WHY DO LAUNDRY WHEN I'M JUST GONNA PUT MORE CLOTHES IN THE HAMPER#And you know what else#I'm getting real sick of not being able to be creative; feeling the overwhelming itch to draw like I used to but then. when I open the#sketchbook. I can't think of a single thing to draw. And the motivation leaves me.#SIGH. ANYWAY.#can't wait to delete this later out of embarrassment but then not talk to a professional because my family never raised me to seek help#and because it doesn't feel like a therapist can help#and because therapy costs money#and I can't open up to people#and because it feels pointless and dumb to spend even more of my precious time on smth like that when it isn't life threatening#(I don't want to die so why not spend my time doing more important things)#vent#delete later
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