#The Terror has so many different themes all interwoven with each other and I love how some characters seem to embody each one.

[charlesemersonwinchesteriii]

George Henry Hodgson + food

Even beyond his famous monologue, Hodgson is at the heart of the show's cannibalism and starvation theme. He is the first to inform us that there is something wrong with the food supplies, the first to suggest the possibility of cannibalism, and the one we see fulfill Ross' prophecy about eating their own boots. And in the end, fittingly, he himself is devoured.

Created for @theterrorbingo prompt: Rot

[mei-be]

I decided that this year, I will make a resolution. This in itself is a bit revolutionary, because I’ve always been the anti-traditionalist, anti-precedent, just anti-. This year is different, because it started off in a fever pitch, whined to a rotten crescendo, and now is whimpering to a close. At the literal beginning of this year, my mental and physical health had taken a major shit in the proverbial bed. I started the New Year terrified, and sick with worry. I had been hospitalized against my will, in a psych ward, and found myself creeping through a very real life version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I had a delusional roommate, haunted by The Man, who watched her and hurt her. Hurt her though food, through medicine, invaded her life, drained her bank accounts, made it so she couldn’t sleep. Now that I was her roommate, he was watching me too, and I couldn’t close any doors, take a shower, or shut my eyes. There was the drooling, heavy lidded non-verbal man, who shuffled through the hallways attached to an IV, and had one hand permanently lifted and dangling. There was the angry kid, who yelled obscenities, and complained about the bullshit, his medication, how he was treated, only to periodically break down in tears and screaming, and had to go into the Quiet Room. The Quiet Room was a very small space, complete with bed decked out in restraints. The only thing missing was the padded walls and the straight jacket. But that would be undignified. A nurse stood behind a little window, distributing drugs at specific times. I asked her why she broke the pills out of the blister pack, into a paper cup, and tipped the paper cup into my waiting hand. Why not just break the pills from the blister pack into my hand. It’s the same amount of touching by the both of us, and then they could reduce that additional waste and cost. My mind works like that. She didn’t know, that’s how they did it.

That week felt like a month, just like this year felt like a new lifetime. Since then, I’ve been going to therapy, seeing doctors, paying attention to my diet, getting regular sleep, and working on the rats nest that is my brain. It’s what you do, and it’s all good and healthy and mindful, and positive. But what I’ve been really struggling with, is the anxiety. My anxiety rips through me like a cancer. It denatures and decays every day, no matter when it arises. All the good I ever did is wiped away, and I’m left with grime and ash. It used to stay in my head, but now it’s ventured out mycelium-esque threads into my body. It makes me weak, it takes the ground out from under me, my heart machine over heats, my fulel expels and lays wasted, my body-cage aches...

It is what it is.

I am circling the drain. I’ve been here before, I’ve seen this movie, and the ending does no justice. Leitmotifs are small, recurring, characteristic of a composition; so much so that they become the composition. I don’t want to be this ring-cycle, I wont cement this reality through repetition. And so, I’ve decided to wage an attack on this misery. An attack in the form of a Happiness War, to make the goal of happiness as if it were a life or death situation. To furiously, religiously, and zealously seek Happiness with an intensity alike to terror; only matched by the ferocity of the terror inside.

So I make a stand, I screw my courage to the sticking place and screw my fear and stick it to my panic. I choose, I chase, I become a champion of happiness. It is the only choice. I remember a story I once heard. A man was telling his friend about hunting rhino in Africa. It had been a long hunt, and he had finally come to meet his prey. The rhino was a dense, black, death machine of a beast. He fired, but missed. His second shot jammed the rifle. Panicked, he looked around, there was nothing but grass in every direction. No weapon, no tree, no rocks to climb. Just grass, heat, and angry rhino. He could hear the rhino’s approach like thunder, he could very nearly feel the animals hot breath on his neck. Entranced in the tale, his friend asked, “So what did you do?” “I climbed a tree right in the nick of time!” He said. “What tree?”, the friend asked, “You said there was no tree!” “Don’t you see?”, answered the man, “There has to be a tree, there is always a tree, you have to look for it, but that is the point of my story. There is always a tree. Find the tree.”

I take constant support and inspiration from this story. Where there is life, there are more stories. So you do the damn thing until it’s dead, or you are. Never give up, never surrender. There is always another way, even when the rhino is upon you. It is always darkest before the dawn, you just hold on. Find the tree.

Part 1. Gratitude

I did an informal poll, and asked my friends on social media some questions about Happiness. It’s a pretty banal question, and definitely leads to a lot of cliches and derivative content. But even though the question has been asked so many times, to the point of being historical, it still echos in the collective heads of many. So here we go, here we go, here we go again. The way that I research and make decisions is such: I read as much as I can about my subject, and disregard the biases of each individual body of work, even though I know that there are definite biases. Instead, I look for repetition. Despite people’s stance or mediated perceptions, I believe that there are certain, close to absolute truths that will emerge, if given enough experience or exposure. This way of digesting information began when I was grade school aged, and learned about the Free Marketplace Theory. Basically, you give everyone a chance, and the quality items will rise to the top, and prove themselves by their worth. No monopolies, no deceitful practices, no bull. This sounds like a great way to go about scholarly work, but you can imagine me trying to buy sponges, or find recipes, or, most everyday things.

So, one of the threads of commonality that I noticed when asking people about their Happiness, is gratitude. Either as a precursor or an after effect, I see a theme of being happy because of what you have. Interestingly enough, it seems that gratitude is interwoven with a sense of, “It could be worse, but it isn’t”. This strikes me as odd, because it seems that a sense of misery, or acute un-Happiness, is necessary for Happiness to exist. One of my friends wrote this, “Hammocks without spiders. Water when I’m thirsty. Really cold soda on a hot day.” This seems like a simple, light-hearted, cute statement, but look at the profound presence of suffering. To experience the relaxation of a lovely hammock, she apparently had previously experienced a hammock that came with spiders. Good god. That seems like a nightmarish exercise in vulnerability. Yet, it is that horror, that leads her to appreciate each spider-free hammock session, and even more; to list it as one of the top things that make her happy. We run from misery, we avoid it, we do everything we can to keep it at bay. But it’s the other side of happiness. To experience Happiness, apparently you have had to sit in the Shit for a while. I’ve thought about the Shit before, and have come to this similar conclusion. When you are faced with the question of, “Why is this happening to me?” Or the ever-popular, “ Why do bad things happen to good people?”, perhaps the answer is, “So they can learn to be very fucking Happy”.

Two key takeaways here: 1. Caveat- The bad things, the Shit, cannot kill you. If it does, then the conversation is over. Don’t let it kill you, if you can. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Where there is life, there is hope, and more story. For those of us who suffer from suicidal tendencies or ideation, this is a point that needs to be made, for we are the ones in the strange position of being both powerless, and the only one with the power over our lives. 2. The Shit cannot become your life. If the Shit is all you see when you look around, you can never gain perspective. You won’t be able to learn from it if you can’t get some sort of distance. Distance, or progress, is the very mechanism of the story. The shit is your conflict, and conflict is the very catalyst that moves the story, into its rising action and climax. In other, plainer words, that Shit has to move, man. A story that ends before or at its climax is bullshit. It’s an artsy literary move, but for me, that’s just lazy writing. Having your audience choose their own ending saves you from having to write THE ENTIRE REST OF THE STORY. Work that Shit, move through that Shit, don’t let it be everything. That’s just shitty.

2. Progress

A therapy that I’ve just began exploring is ACT, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. If you’ve ever even dipped a toe into any sort of counseling or self help, chances are, you’ve come across some form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It’s like the Gold Standard of psychological treatment. It’s based on the idea that your psychological and behavioral issues are based in faulty thinking and or behavior. It’s rooted in repetition, an endless cycle of catching bad thoughts, and turning them into better ones. Often, you literally find the opposite of that negative thought, or look for evidence to support or deny it. You also try to find origins or deeper causes of the negative behavior. The idea is that if you do these exercises long enough, the repetition forms new connections, and new habits. It’s super boring. It works. ACT takes a lot of the same models found in CBT, with one difference. Instead of fighting your negative thoughts, you first accept them. It’s in the name. So, you still go through the rigamorole of identifying your negative thoughts, and trying to find their origins and evidences. However, one deviation that I’ve found really helpful is that there is no way not to choose. By not doing something, you are choosing NOT that thing. Given that you’ve already made a choice, acknowledge that choice. Now that you’ve made a stance, decide the quality of that stance. If you are someone like me, who’s fight, flight, or freeze sympathetic nervous system most often chooses to freeze, and when frozen, reconciles itself into the form of a panic attack, this mode of CHOICE makes a huge difference. Let me lay it out for you in this example:

Conflict: I don’t know what to do with my life, I’m aimless, unmotiviated, torn. It’s too late for me, I can’t do it, I’m not good enough.

Assuming you’ve already gone through your basic reframing thoughts, positive thoughts, SMART goals checklist, you might end with something that looks like this.

I don’t know if getting a Nursing Degree is right for me. It makes sense, and I’ve already put a lot of effort into it, but it’s not what I love. I love foraging, herbalism and dietetics. However, those fields are not sustainable, feasible, or a good fiscal degree. I don’t know what to do.

But today, right now, I am currently not actively pursuing a nursing degree. So, today, I’ve chosen not to pursue a nursing degree.

For some people and some situations, this in and of itself, brings a deep clarity, a relief, and a resolution. But if it doesn’t...

Acknowledge your choice: For the next week, I choose to not pursue a nursing degree. I’m not going to exert energy thinking about it, arguing with myself about it, it is a non issue. I am not pursuing this. What’s left? The foraging, the herbalism, the dietetics. This is your stance.

Now that you’ve made that stance, think about the quality. What kind of herbalist am I going to be? How far am I going to take this? What opportunities can I find?

The idea here is that you’ve redirected the energy you would have spent arguing with yourself, and instead are now pointed toward a more productive path. You may circle back to the original decision, but now, you’ve moved forward in the journey instead of being stuck at the beginning quandary. You’ve expanded.

3. Presence