#That suicide prevention operator this time was shit lmao

[crow-of-ohio]

.

[bitchubby]

shit outburst

the title is quite explicit and self-explanatory, shitty moment and only here do I feel safe enough to expose my miserable and deplorable situation

this is going to be kind of sad so don't read it if it will make you feel uncomfortable or feel sorry for me, I don't want anyone's pity, I just want peace to keep going through this jungle I face every day

we start with my deplorable situation in every angle of my life, there isn't one where I'm really good or worthy of looking at and thinking "I'm doing fine". but well, I've been trying, really trying lmao.

well, I got a college internship, but my college is full of antics and required a minimum of credit to do the internship. I obviously hadn't. difficult situation, I had to lock up before due to serious personal problems. so I signed a letter committing myself to having all the credits at the end of the term.

friends, it was like two subjects, I had signed up for five, but life is like taking the wrong bus and only realizing it after a long time. I live like a long way from both (college and internship), it's 3 long hours standing on the bus.

At first, I thought I could reconcile, but damn, it was impossible. within a month I was sleeping 4 hours a day and it BROKE me. so I thought "I'm going to stop trying to take all of them", let's just say they were tough teachers, who really charge, they give a lot of work and the test is hell, to only go to the ones I had a better chance of passing.

But then again, life is UNPREDICTABLE.

I live in a favela/community, which means I can't go in and out whenever I want, there are times when there's a police operation, shooting, bombing and that prevents me from going, I can't risk my life, can I? if I'm suicidal yes (which I think a lot lately, by the way).

so, let's say that in one of the two subjects that I was SURE I would pass, I didn't miss it, even though I had the 2nd highest average in the class, hahahaajajah fuck me, I studied 6 hours straight for weeks to fulfill the workload of the contents that I missed due to circumstances BIGGER than myself. it was like 3 more absences, justified, 3 more absences that made me despair now.

my internship depends on these subjects, but only on that subject, as well as my college, because as I said, I live far away and it is impossible to maintain myself in it (even if it is public) if I don't work, it is unfeasible, I spend a lot, like A LOT of money (and look, I have a ticket that guarantees me 4 free bus trips). and like, my college offers some allowances like permanence (housing), food, passage, but apparently I'm not miserable enough.

you have no idea how I've been fighting, how I've been trying. I tried so hard, really.

in that same class that I failed, I went through some situations that made me question my sanity would it be worth taking risks to try to progress a little academically and financially.

like, are we in 2023? yes, i'm fat. yes, my hair gets frizzy. yes, I look defeated, I wake up at 4:50 in the morning and come back at 10/11. Being bullied and being told about things I already know is exhausting. but I thought, I can get through this, it's only one semester, I'll get rid of them and then I'll continue to do well in my internship.

but BAMMMMM 3 punch I take.

Is nothing I do enough? my maximum is not enough? Will you have to destroy me so I can get some kind of mercy

and I even forgot to mention, but from trying so hard to reconcile, from giving so much to do well in all areas, I acquired an autoimmune disease!!!

the name is psoriasis, and it was enough to destroy the only high point in my life, which was my self-esteem.

Now I don't even feel pretty anymore I have the right, apparently.

So, I would like to know if it's worth living like this? if God only gives burdens we are able to bear, I have news.

Today I already cried a lot, people. I already had thoughts like I haven't had since 2015, when I was massively bullied, lived in isolation and thought about throwing myself on the avenue every day before going to school.

and fuck, that's a fucking comeback.

I could say that I thought about taking all the pills I have to sleep here at home, which I have because psoriasis wouldn't let me sleep at night. but come on, I'm not brave enough.

I'm not miserable enough. I'm not hardworking enough. and the worst, I'm not brave enough.

just a complete failure on all counts.

and damn, I was starting to do so well on the stage. I'm like 3 months away, but I've finally been able to start to come out of my shell and engage with colleagues in the department. everyone is so nice. it's going to be so hard if I extend it until the contract time (6 months) and then have to say goodbye when I'm attached to them.

I'm kind of social and introspective, so it wasn't easy to make progress at first. but I was walking.

and now i'm falling. again.