#Tesla would probably refute me.

[lunarscaled]

"It's not as cute as the mantis, but if I say that too loud I think someone will grab my ear... ..."

[littlemisslipbalm]

And I Love You So - Chapter 1

Sam Kiszka x Reader, Jake Kiszka x Reader

Summary: When she flies to Nashville for the holidays to see her best friend, new and old feelings arise. As she spends more and more time with both her best friend Sam and his brothers, she is pushed towards new horizons. Job offers, favorite activities, records, cuddling, and bickering all promise to make this month and maybe the rest of her life a whirlwind.

Gif is not mine, credit to the owner, but this is where I imagine Sammy's hair to be in this story

Hiiiii, this is a series that I've been posting on ao3 and its almost finished, but I wanted to post it on here as well, so I'll be posting the chapters a little differently on here, so yeah.. its packaged a little different but essentially the same, but I love you all and ik that not everyone reads on ao3 as well so enjoy!

And PLS let me know what you think :) it means so much

Word Count: 8.1K Warnings: swearing, fluff, all the boys, this is quite the beginning, alcohol consumption, slow burn!

-

“Y/N!” Sam yells her name excitedly as she walks out of the international exit.

“Sammy! My boy!” She yells back affectionately and crosses to his figure standing in front of an idling car.

She drops the handle of her suitcase and wraps her arms around her best friend’s waist. His arms go around her shoulders and rest on top of the backpack that is packed to the brim on her back. After a solid moment of the embrace, she pulls away, tired from her flight and suddenly aware of the fact that she probably smelled like airport and travel.

“Jesus, looks like you packed a ton of bricks in there like always, hand it to me will you?” Sam scolds after one look at the backpack that was definitely weighing her down a little.

“What would I do without my hero?” She asks sarcastically before swinging it off her shoulders and holding it out to him. It thuds on the ground a little before he can grab it and he gives her a look of ‘I told you so’.

“Collapse under the weight of your terrible packing.”

“Yeah, yeah,” She concedes, following him to the back of the car where he pops the trunk of his Tesla.

“Oh Samuel, since when did you get so fancy?” She muses, running a hand over the car’s sleek finish, as he takes care of the luggage for her, which admittedly is very kind of him.

“Since they started paying me the big bucks,” He wiggles his brows mischievously before closing the trunk softly but forcefully. Her eyes linger on his slender fingers lined up carefully on top of the car for a moment. Even his fingernails were trimmed neatly and clean and it felt like you hadn’t seen him for far longer than a year.

“Right,” She smiled, but decided to tease him anyways, it was her duty as a childhood best friend, was it not? “I always forget you're in some big boyband, what’s the name again? Greata Vain Knock off pop music from the ’70s?”

She smiles and Sam stares back at her with a mixed expression of loving exasperation.

“Remember how I said you could stay at my house for the holidays? Suddenly, I don’t know if there’s any room. Definitely not for a hater, I know that much,” He says smugly, but she pushes at his shoulder.

“C’mon Samuel… I have to keep you in check or else no one will and it’s only about once a year you have to see my sorry mug. Unless you start doing some shows in the UK that I can actually make.” She insisted. “Plus, no one else is gonna keep you honest about what rock n’ roll was in the ’70s, if not popular music. You know I’m right, so don’t even try to lie to me.”

He rolls his eyes and pushes at her shoulder back. “That’s good and fine, yeah. I agree I guess, but we have never been and never will be a ‘boyband’,” He submits to part of it but refutes the other half of the tease with great distaste. “Y’know, I’m really happy you’re here, to be honest.”

“Yeah, me too,” She smiled at him before fiddling with his phone to put on some song she wanted to listen to, he doesn’t protest, she was one of the only people he’d never critique on their music taste. She’d been the person in his youth to insist on listening to more female artists, which he was forever grateful for. A love of Joni Mitchell had forged the friendship in an everlasting fire neither of them would ever willingly walk away from.

When they pull up to his house in some nice neighborhood of Nashville, she can’t hold back the slight gasp that escapes her mouth. He had given her an interior tour over facetime and sent the link for the Zillow page when he had been thinking about buying it, but it was far more impressive in person. It was a far cry from the family homes in their shared little hometown and it was even further from the slightly dinghy flat she rented in Edinburgh.

“I cannot believe you live here, Sam,” She says quite honestly as she steps out of the car.

The Tesla fits right into the modern aesthetic of the exterior and her eyes widen trying to take it all in, even in the waning light of the winter afternoon it looked fantastic. He takes it as a compliment and then runs to the back of the car to grab her bags, insisting that he bring them all in, since she’s his guest.

“Where do the rest of the boys live, again?” She asks when the two of them settle around the white marble island in his expansive kitchen.

Sam slides her a glass with cold water from the fridge before taking a sip of the one he had filled for himself. “Josh is a little bit further out of town, it’s more like a ranch-style house. Then Jake and Danny both rent apartments pretty close to our studio.”

“Ooh,” She perks up at the idea of possibly seeing the studio while she’s visiting. If it was anything like Sam’s house, she was sure it would be filled with impressive things she could ogle at. “Can I get a tour while I’m visiting?”

“Of the studio?”

She nods eagerly.

“Yeah, of course, if anything, you’re gonna be sick of it by the time your visit’s up. We spend most of our time there.”

“Not during the holidays,” She retorts, surely they didn’t spend all of their time there. But then again, they all had chosen not to go home for the holidays which is why she had decided to visit Sam rather than their shared hometown.

Sam hums, “I don’t know, we’ll see, I guess. A bit of a break could be good.”

The two chatted a bit about Scotland and her job which she both loved and hated. She told him about her most recent fling which had ended because yet again the guy had disappointed her and she lectured Sam on not being an asshole to women. He nodded and took the lesson seriously, but couldn't help himself at the end.

“Oh, you know me,” He insists, but she stares him down again, never falling for his bullshit.

“I do,” She says solemnly, “I’m sure being in an extremely popular rock band hasn’t made you forget women’s humanity in the slightest and you treat them with the utmost respect. Girls throwing themselves at you constantly has done nothing to your ego, mhmm.”

His dark eyes close and he knows he shouldn’t argue, he knew it did get to him sometimes and he could be cocky when it came to women lately, but being with her always grounded him. Y/N making him reflect on his actions was a good thing even if it didn’t always feel nice. That’s why she remained his best friend throughout this whole time. He could always count on her advice and honesty even when he said he didn’t want to hear it.

“I promise to try my best not to be an asshole.”

“That’s all I can ask of you, my fellow Aries,” She smiles at him and he cracks a smile too. The serious tone instantly lifts and they are back to lighter conversation instantly. Another reason why he loved her so much, she made her point but never lingered too long on anything.

Sam had known Y/N since they were 12 and had met in middle school. They both already had intense younger sibling syndrome as well as a fiery Aries disposition. Naturally, they had started off hating each other. Somehow though they always managed to be in groups together or sat next to each other in teachers’ seating charts. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t hate one another. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, her mother always told her, so halfway through 6th grade, they were best friends. Preferably for Y/N, she’d say the rest was history, but of course that would be too kind. Everyday after school, one would drag the other to their house after school, eventually, they just went to Sam’s because Y/N had met Sam’s 15 year old brothers and she had fallen madly in like with Jake. And at this point, Jake was trying desperately to convince Sam to pick up the bass and play in a quasi-band he was working on. So Sam had grown more insistent that she come over to his house instead so that he wouldn’t disappoint his older brother, not that he would ever admit that to anyone but her. As time went on, she convinced herself that Jake would never view her as anything more than his younger brother’s dorky friend and so she insisted with Sam as they got older and had more autonomy that they do stuff together at neither of their houses. The crush on Jake subsided as the years went on with the help of him having different girlfriends over the years and a lot of lies and brutal truths she told herself – things, like he’s not even your type and that smile he gives you, is the one he gives everyone else.

“The boys are coming over tomorrow night for dinner if that’s still okay?” Sam runs by her before she leaves to get ready for bed, the two of them deciding enough catching up had happened for the time being. Plus, she had insisted she was going to melt into a grease puddle if he didn’t let her shower in the next five minutes. She had been traveling for far longer than she let on and the weariness was starting to get to her. She’d been on three different planes in the last 18 hours, having gone from Edinburgh to Dublin to New York and then finally arrived in Nashville. Sam thought it was only one layover because that is what she had told him. No need to worry him.

“Ohhh,” she remembered just as he said it. He watches her face and bites his lip as a wave of worry crashes over him. “Yeah, that’s fine, just wake me up when it's like two and a half hours before they’re supposed to be here. I can already feel the jet lag setting in,” She says softly.

“Of course,” His voice and face softened, suddenly seeing just how tired his best friend looked. In all the excitement, he had forgotten how far she’d traveled just to see him. “Anything, in particular, you want for dinner tomorrow, kiddo?”

She hums, her body sinking softly into the doorframe, “Tacos?”

Sam laughs with glee at the sound of her tired voice saying ‘tacos’ so hopefully. “Yeah, I think I can make that happen.”

Then, feeling an extra wave of fondness, he hops up quickly from his seat at the island and walks her to the guest room even though he’d shown her to it an hour before when he’d taken her stuff there from the car.

“What are you doing, Samuel?” She asks wearily as his slender fingers encircle her wrist and guide her gently down the long hallway to the guest room.

“Being a good host, of course,” He says and stops at the door, letting her walk in before he himself leans against this door frame, arms crossing elegantly across his sweater covered chest. “Now shower up and tuck yourself into bed. Unless you want me to come back and tuck you in later? Read you a bedtime story?” He smiles widely, showing off his radiant smile.

She smiles at him confusedly and laughs a little, “You’re a strange motherfucker, Sam, and I love you for it, but I think I can tuck myself in – this time. Rain check, maybe.”

He laughs too before grabbing the doorknob of the door and closing it was a soft thud. “Goodnight, kid.”

She shakes her head at her best friend before quickly getting out of her shower and sleeping necessities and hurrying to do all the things she needs to so she can sleep as soon as possible.

In what was presumed to be the middle of the night, she woke to some shuffling and muffled voices. The guest room was the last room before the adjacent bathroom on the left of the first floor, the living room, the family room, dining room, and kitchen all down the hall from you. Upstairs was the master bedroom, an office Sam had converted to a game room, a guest room Sam had converted to an “office” with just a bunch of instruments besides that piano that resided in the family room, and another bathroom.

The voices sounded like they were coming from the living room that was closest to the guest bedroom, but she couldn’t be sure. Too tired to investigate, she fell back to sleep almost instantaneously.

It was 11 at night when Sam got a facetime call from his brothers and he had been quietly watching television in the living room as it was the only room with a tv. He had knocked softly on Y/N’s door before he had started just in case she was awake and wanted to join him, but upon knowing she was asleep, he was certain the show wouldn’t wake her. What he hadn’t accounted for was the drunken facetime call from Jake and Josh that quickly had him pausing the show and moving out of the living room so their rambunctious behavior and loud voices didn’t wake her through the phone.

He, of course, couldn’t have known that one yell from Josh was all it would take to stir her from her slumber.

“What?!” Sam whisper yelled, finally upstairs in his room with the door closed tightly.

“Sammy!” They yelled in unison.

He sighed, “What the fuck are you two doing right now?”

“Having a good time!” Jake slurs, his face leaning unceremoniously towards the phone. “Unlike somebody who decided not to hang out tonight.”

“You know I picked up Y/N today, she got in from Edinburgh this afternoon?” Sam reminds them.

“Y/N!” Josh yells again. “Is she there?!”

“No, she’s asleep, assuming you fuckers didn’t wake her up with all your yelling.”

“Oh c’mon, we’re not that loud,” Jake insists, his voice slightly nasally from drinking.

Sam only arches a brow in response.

“Well, I’m not that loud,” Jake corrects.

“Oh, fuck you,” Josh slurs in the background, getting distracted by something to the left of Jake’s phone.

“Okay, anything important?” Sam asks, wanting to end this conversation, knowing there really was no reason they were calling besides being drunk and bored.

“Yeah, yeah, actually,” Josh repeats, his interest reignited as he grapples for the phone and wretches it from Jake’s grasp. He moves his face too close to the screen trying to focus on Sam’s face through the phone and squints a little, his face scrunching up. “What do you think Y/N wants for Christmas?”

“I don’t know? I don’t even know what I’m getting her,” Sam said, honestly. “She can’t really take a fuck ton back with her to Scotland.”

The twins begin to bicker about something completely separate from the question Josh had asked of Sam and he sighs loudly, holding his phone limply, somewhat hoping it would fall and end the call on its own, not really having the heart to hang up on his brothers. After another moment of bickering and the feeling of a headache beginning to form, Sam changes his mind easily.

“Goodnight, bros, see you tomorrow,” He sighs, hanging up the call before they can say anything else.

Sam knew just how much the twins liked his best friend. She had spent a lot of their formative years together, a lot of them before their fame had really taken off, so she was someone they trusted and felt comfortable with. But he also knew how different she could be when they were around. He remembered back when they were around 13 or 14 when she had decided that she didn’t want to hang out at his house every day after school. He wasn’t exactly sure why she had made that decision, but it hadn’t bothered him at the time, looking back though, he kind of felt like it was something to do with the twins or at least one of them. Now that they were all grown up, she saw them all a lot less, which made Sam quite sad, so this month was super exciting to have her staying with him. But over the last two years of visits, he saw that she was more comfortable with the twins again. He always wanted to ask her what it was but never could muster the courage, possibly because deep down he knew the answer and he didn’t want to hear her say it. Past feelings didn’t need to be brought up again, not now, not when they had settled into their lives – them in Nashville and Y/N in Scotland, just here for a little while for a pleasant visit. He played that sentence over in his head as he fell asleep that night.

When Y/N wakes up, there’s a soft knocking at her door and sunlight seeping under the crack at the bottom of the blackout curtains Sam had in his guest room.

“The captain is requesting your presence, admiral,” His voice calls loudly through the door.

She shut one of her eyes, still lying within the plush white sheets of the king-sized bed and staring up at the ceiling with confusion. She wasn’t necessarily tired, but she also had no idea what time it was and could only assume she had just managed to sleep for a good amount of the day if Sam was knocking at her door, ever the dutiful friend, knowing she much preferred a person to wake you then a phone alarm which mostly made you angry and anxious.

She turns her head towards the door and rolls in the direction of it, onto her side, tucking a hand beneath her head on the pillow.

“Can the captain just come in?” Sam hears her muffled reply and smiles to himself before swinging the door open. A greater rush of light encapsulates the room in golds and reds as Sam’s eyes come to rest on her face surrounded by pillows and the big comforter and her unwieldy hair that had gotten completely mussed while she slept.

“Oh admiral,” He chuckles at her puffy sleepy face, she smiles back with a closed mouth, “Did you sleep well?”

“Excellent,” She muses before reaching a hand out and making a grabbing motion for him.

He takes two strides from the doorway and reaches the side of the bed she’s on and leans against it lightly, his head angled down to look at her face.

“What time is it?”

“1:30,” He replies and takes a single piece of her hair that had flipped to the wrong side of her part. The gesture certainly didn’t fix the mess of hair as a whole, but it was nice of him to try.

“They’re coming over at 4?” She asks, a tinge of annoyance and anxiety in her groggy voice. She cleared her throat, disliking the sound of it. She was excited to see the rest of Sam’s bandmates, she liked them a lot honestly, but they could also be a lot of energy when all together and she had grown to enjoy spending her time with just Sam. As much as they liked to joke around together, the friendship revolved around a lot of quieter activities like reading or hiking, going to photo shops and buying film, thrifting, smoking weed, you know the fun quiet actitivities. Stuff that didn’t include yelling ever or guitar solos blowing out an amp. Stuff they had bonded over when they were out of each other’s houses as teenagers and had continued to do into adulthood. But they were also Sam’s best friends and siblings and she understood that. There was also that small reason why she might be anxious to see them. Or at least a particular one of them. She still tried to shake away the thought, considering he was probably still dating his girlfriend from last year since she hadn’t heard anything about them otherwise. No, she was doing just fine, past feelings for Jake were going to be nowhere to be found this next month.

“Yeah, probably,” Sam says softly, “I told them 5, but I know they’ll trip over themselves trying to be here first.”

She laughs a little but rolls her eyes knowing just how late the twins could be, only Danny would show up either promptly or slightly after on time. She was sure he was too polite to even come early, probably would wait in his car rather than feel like he had intruded.

She pushes herself to sit up then, her hand on the mattress behind her, holding herself up. Y/N and Sam weren’t close in height at all, since she stood only a couple inches over 5 feet, this fact always boosted his and his brothers’ egos whenever they were hanging around her. But sitting here, they were pretty much eye level looking at one another, a mess of bedding barely separating their bodies. She deftly reaches out a hand towards Sam’s hair that was just brushing his shoulders again and pet softly over the straight hairs. She last had seen him in person when it was its old long length and then he had cut it in the new year. The pictures and videos she’d seen of him had made her sad in the beginning, it made him look far more mature and serious, which she didn’t think fit him all the time. But she also knew he had that serious side to him, even if selfishly she always wanted him to be her Sammy boy who called her ‘kid’ and ‘admiral’. She doubted he enjoyed being viewed like that by the public though, forever cursed to be the younger brother in the band.

“I’m glad your hair is growing back out. I barely recognized you with short hair.”

“It had been a nice change,” he mused, selfconsciously running his own hand through it now. “Did you not like it short?”

“No, no,” She tries to reassure, leaning her elbows on her knees now, staring up at him kindly. “You just looked grown-up. Very austere Samuel.”

“Austere?” He parrots back, looking down at her with an arched brow.

She nods and he scratches at his nose in consideration. Then makes a little noise in the back of his throat and pouts his lips, “Well, I guess I’m glad I’m growing it out, too. Want some food?”

She hums and stretches her arms out, her body folding over her legs now, and her arms going in front of Sam’s chest beside her. He grabs her hands and pulls, adding to the stretch. She groans in slight appreciation of the help, her body still ached from travel despite the nice bed.

“Do you actually have food or is it just, like, raw vegetables and some grains? Like the weird woodland creature you are.” She looked up at him with a grin, jesting only a little, through the curtain of hair that had fallen over her face.

He drops her hands and swats at her t-shirt covered shoulder. “I went grocery shopping while you were sleeping, thank you very much. Getting the taco supplies you requested and all your favorite breakfast foods and snacks.”

“Aww Sammy, you’re such a softie.” She cooes as he stood up to walk away. “When you want to be, at least.”

He groans loudly but turns back to her with a big smile on his face, and sassily says, “And don’t you forget it!”

Before they know it, it’s 4:45 and they both had showered and gotten dressed for a night of what was sure to be lots of drinking, good food, loud laughter and conversation, and at least one of the Kiszka brothers passing out on furniture that isn’t meant for sleeping.

Sam begins to make a pitcher of Margarita and Y/N insists on making a pitcher of Sangria as well. Insisting she’d still have a Margarita, but knowing Sam made his drinks just a little too strong for her sometimes. She knew from years of experience that a backup drink always needed to be on hand. He also had a pack of lime White Claws which could also be a possibility that night. His bar was stocked, of course, but she figured these three options plus whatever the other three undoubtedly would bring would be enough.

“I want you to guess what drinks they’ll bring,” Sam insists, laughing as he squeezes yet another lime into the pitcher.

“You’re acting as if this is some hard game, but I know them. Jake’s gonna bring a craft beer that’s either really good or really bad, no in between. Josh is going to bring a nice red and a dry white because he forgot what you told him we were having for dinner and didn’t care to call and ask. And Danny is going to bring glass Pacificos because he is considerate of the dinner choice and has good taste.”

“What’s that about Pacificos?” A voice sounds from behind them. She turns her head and sees Danny standing in the doorway of the kitchen from the entryway with a case of Pacificos tucked easily beneath his arm.

She glances at the clock above his head and it says 5 o’clock exactly. Just as expected on all accounts.

Sam laughs boisterously and throws his head back boyishly as he begins to sloppily pour three margaritas into crystal lowball glasses, ice clinking happily. “One down, two to go. I’d bet all your guesses are spot on though, kid.”

They greet Danny properly and explain what she and Sam are talking about. Danny nods along and laughs at her guesses, agreeing that she was probably right. She casually points out the sangria pitcher beside the margarita one and Danny nods appreciatively with all too much understanding when she slyly explains that she thought it’d just be nice to have some variety. The Pacifico case sits on the counter across from the island where she and Sam had made their drinks and she decided to put at least a few into the beverage fridge located underneath the island. It felt natural to move around Sam’s kitchen with ease, despite never having been there before yesterday. Sam and Danny both voice their thanks when she finishes and then takes a sip of the margarita according to Sam. It was just as she’d expected. Danny’s grimace smile assures her that it’s not just her tastebuds currently being assaulted.

“Do I get anything if I’m right?” Y/N asks, deciding to suck up the margarita as quickly as possible, just in hopes of being done with the sour taste in her mouth.

“You might need to narrow down your answers if you want anything good out of it.”

“Oh c’mon, my answers were hyperspecific if anything,” She scoffs and Sam squints at her skeptically.

Danny agrees with her and then Sam leans over to whisper in his ear, trying to come up with a prize if she’s correct, which he was almost certain she would be. Every so often he’d glance over and see her intently staring at their conspiring figures and he’d smile mischievously before going back to whispering. After probably three minutes of this, she shakes her head, no longer very interested in a prize. Now, moreso, she was worried if she was right.

Sam turns to her, a serious expression on his face as he clasps his hands over his satin olive green button-down – which she had been surprised he had chosen to wear but hadn’t mentioned.

“What?”

“We’ve decided,” He pauses, pregnantly. All of the Kiszkas had a flair for the dramatic, it just came out in varying degrees. “That we will decide when Jake and Josh arrive. Together.”

She groans and throws the end of her margarita into the deep stainless steel sink. It was mostly ice and watered down margarita swill at this point and she was more than ready for tasty sangria instead. Still, Sam begins to talk her ear off about how offensive it is that she’d just thrown the drink he had “so lovingly” made for her out. Her response is a wry smile and an accompanying middle finger.

At 5:10, Josh makes his presence known, quickly and in typical Josh fashion. His goatee was an addition she hadn’t seen in person yet and she surprisingly liked it more than she had when she had only seen it in pictures. In his hands are a bottle of red and white wines. Both are extremely nice and dry as predicted.

“Two out of three,” Sam nods solemnly with mischief swirling in his eyes. She narrows her eyes at him, worry growing in the pit of her stomach, knowing that all of them together could come up with something terrifying as the prize.

At 5:30, rather surprisingly and possibly a personal best for Jake, he arrives. Dark sunglasses tangled in his unruly hair despite the sun setting almost two hours ago now. His shirt buttoned twice at the very bottom of the shirt. She wondered why he even bothered with a shirt at that point, but she didn’t think it was worthy of mention, or at least it wasn’t worthy of the amount of teasing she would definitely receive from everyone if she did mention it. A tinge of pink threatens her features at the thought.

“And what’d you bring, dear brother?” Sam inquires.

Jake holds up a case of craft beer. It looked to be a light color. It had a sun and light blue detailing on the case and she smiled since it seemed like he maybe had a little thought of whether it would go with tacos.

“Three out of three.” Sam hollers, raising a pacifico in the air.

Danny whistles and Josh laughs happily, clapping a hand softly on Y/N’s shoulder. She smiles to Josh, her eyes going to Jake though, rather quickly.

“Pardon?” Jake asks confusedly as he helps himself to the margarita pitcher.

“I made Y/N guess what drinks all of you would bring and she was entirely correct. Well, we have to try your beer and decide whether it’s either really good or really terrible, but I have no doubt it’s definitely one or the other, so I’m gonna say she won. You all are entirely too predictable.”

“Here,” Jake says, taking a can from the case and handing it to her. It was already cold which made her smile at him appreciatively, “You can taste test, I know it’s really good, but I’ll let you be the judge.”

Her hand efficiently clicks open the can and she takes a sip, eyes flickering from Jake’s face to closed. It was really good and she took another sip, just making sure she wasn't being hasty with the decision.

“Yeah,” She says, becoming flustered upon realizing all four of them were watching her expectantly, “Yeah, uh, it’s really good… Nice pick, Jake.”

He smiles widely at her and clinks his drink with the can she was still holding. “Glad to hear it.”

She got stuck staring into his brown eyes, they were darker than Sam’s, it always felt like they were hiding something from her that she wanted to find out. He stared back, his eyes looking slightly confused by her expression. He brushed it off as not having seen her in a while.

“Okay, prize time!” Sam unknowingly interrupts the slightly awkward silence after he drained the last bit of his Pacifico and went back to his margarita pitcher. “Let’s go sit in the living room?”

Everyone agrees with either head nodding or words of agreement. Danny and Josh walk through the doorway together, conversing about something random, Josh talking animatedly, while Jake follows behind silently. Y/N hangs back with Sam, as she decides to pour herself another glass of sangria to accompany the beer since she knew she wouldn’t want to get up again once she sat down in the living room.

“I told you they’d be tripping over their feet to be here,” Sam says into her ear, his breath hot on her neck, the smell of tequila hinting at her nose. “This is a new record for both of them. I don’t think Jake’s ever once shown up to a dinner less than an hour late.”

She arched a brow at him, skeptical of what he was implying with his words. She’d admit that she was pleasantly surprised at Jake showing up close to on time as well, but had no clue as to why he would think to mention it or say that it was because of her. Sam was her best friend, but she never dared to mention the evil little crush that her heart had harbored and that she could seemingly never shake, as much as she wanted to. No, she had never told Sam.

Maybe Jake was just bored at his place and remembered to actually show up around when he was supposed to. Jake’s lack of punctuality wasn’t because he didn’t care or whatever people liked to say, but it was really due to his hyper-focus on certain things. He’d be playing his guitar and then forget what time it was and once he looked up he’d realize he was already late. At least, that’s what she had heard when she’d asked him what he had been doing that held him up from being on time to Sam’s 21st birthday a few years back now.

“I don’t understand what you’re saying, to be honest, Sammy.”

“I don’t know, it just seems like Jake and Josh were excited to see you,” He says coyly, already his lips loosening over words he didn’t really want to say, he couldn’t help himself, he always wanted to know the answer of who.

“They seemed normal to me.” She was resolute in not taking the bait.

“Yeah, but, like, hmm,” Sam tries to make her understand, not getting why she wasn’t picking up what he was putting down, she busy herself with putting Jake’s beers in the drink fridge as well. “They’re just looking a little extra spiffy today, don’t you think?”

“Says the man in the satin dress shirt for taco night?” She laughed back.

“Eh…” He shuts one eye to look at her, unconvinced and a little smug, “I think they dressed to impress you, kid.”

“And I think you’re trying to cause trouble, like the little insidious Aries man you are. It’s just the holiday spirit of a taco night.”

The pair begin to walk into the living room as Sam laughs at her. “It always comes back to astrology, doesn’t it? How compatible are Taurus men and Aries women?”

“Shut the fuck up, Sam,” She elbows at his shoulder, your hands filled with your two drinks.

She doubted the twins would know what he was implying with that, but they knew their sun sign at least and she couldn’t think of a more mortifying situation than them thinking she had a crush on them, especially since it would be true for one of them. It was just Sam trying to stir up something because he liked to be annoying, he had no idea just what him saying that did to her little crush.

He rolls his eyes playfully and sits on the end of the couch across from Danny, leaving either the floor, the middle of the couch, or in front of the fireplace between the two chairs the twins occupied. She chose to sit between Sam and Danny, but before she could settle, Sam stopped her.

“Actually, we need this space to deliberate your prize. Can you go sit over there?” He gestures to the place between the twins. They were caught up in their own conversation, something about a new chair for the office, she was pretty sure. God, they had really become adults, hadn’t they?

It’s her turn to roll her eyes as she moves to sit between the men she’d been friends with for years, who she was certain had no feelings of anything other than friendship for her, even if that wasn’t what she wanted sometimes, she knew it was for the best. Jake would never like her the way she wanted him to and she had resigned herself to that a long time ago. So she didn’t know why Sam was trying to break her heart out of the blue.

“Brothers,” Sam addresses them, bringing their attention away from each other, “We have a prize to decide on for our dear girl,” he gestures his glass to Y/N, with a reverent head nod. She shakes her head, still beguiled by her best friend no matter how much he managed to annoy her sometimes with all his teasing.

Josh moves over to the couch quickly, excited at the prospect. Jake moves more languidly, side-eyeing her body before he goes. “I’ll make sure Sam takes it easy on you,” He promises with his raspy voice before crossing across the room, taking a swig of a Pacifico as he goes. The way his neck moves makes her bite her lip and look to the ceiling, she needed to think about something else.

“Alrighty!” Sam speaks up after a few minutes of muffled chatter from across the room.

She had busied herself with drinking her drinks and poking around at the chachskis Sam had laying around his fireplace as ornamentation. If the prize was actually going to be a punishment, being drunk would make it more bearable in the long run. As she drank, she couldn’t help but ponder Jake’s relationship status, maybe he’d broken up with his girlfriend and Sam was actually trying to tell her that she should go for it because out of some best friend bond he knew that she liked him. Or maybe it was just painfully obvious to everyone that she had puppy-dog eyes for Jake, her mind suggested, but she knew it couldn’t be true since she was rather careful of her feelings.

“Your prize is…” Sam starts, grinning like he’d just gotten his favorite vegan ice cream in a tub size, “Daniel, drum roll please.”

Danny obliges with a simple drumming on his thighs. Josh smiles kindly while Jake takes a sip of his beer, eyes looking dead into some empty space across the room.

“A private serenade from the biggest band on earth, Greta Van Fleet! Any song of your choice, so long as it is not pop – not that you would ever choose a pop song – and also it cannot require electric guitar as I only have an acoustic here and only one amp for my bass. – Also you get to choose who plays what, but we can’t play our usual instruments and it has to be at the end of the night when we are hopefully belligerent.”

She takes a big sip of her sangria and then snorts a little, both shocked and completely unfazed. It was entirely not as bad as she thought it might be, but it also was something she wouldn’t consider to be a prize. She’d been privy to private serenades constantly growing up with the four of them, this was hardly special, besides maybe the part where she got to pick what they played. That could be fun.

“That’s a lot of stipulations for just one prize,” She starts, laughing a little.

Jake toes Sam’s uncovered foot below the coffee table.

“Oh!” Sam pipes back up, before she’s able to continue, “Josh also suggested a spot on this private brewery tour we were all invited to but none of us besides Jake want to go to, so you also get that since we know you’re into that sort of thing, but that’s more of, like, an add on to the main prize: the serenade, which is way more interesting.”

“Thanks, Sam,” She says, with a good amount of chagrin mixed into the few words. “I’ll think about what song I want.”

Jake and Josh return to their seats and she arches a brow at Jake, knowing he had something to say based on the way his eyes flickered to her face ever so slightly.

“What?”

“We talked him down from the ledge of making you a special cocktail and only letting you drink that for the rest of the night… Sometimes, I wonder about him,” he says, shaking his head lightly. His slight bangs fall forward into his eyes and she watches intently as he pushes them back with his free hand.

“Thanks,” She whispered, truly appreciative. “And also thanks for the brewery thing, that actually sounds fun, but,” She bites her lip, trying to subtly ask about his girlfriend he had had when she’d last seen him, “I don’t want to intrude if you were planning on bringing someone else since it was going to be just you. I don’t need to third wheel or something.” Okay, maybe not the most subtle.

“There’s no one else I’d bring along,” Jake looks at her funnily, as if she’d just told a hilarious joke. “But if you don’t want to go, don’t feel pressured. I’m fine going alone, we just thought you’d be interested.”

“No, I want to go,” She says hurriedly, maybe a little too quickly, seeing the doubt flicker in Jake’s eyes. “Besides, it is my prize, what would it say about me if I didn’t accept it?”

“It’d probably say you weren’t into being regifted something, but then again, guessing what drinks your friends will bring to a party isn’t too big of a feat.”

“Hey, I was so specific,” She leans forward, feeling bold, “and I barely see y’all even once a year anymore. My memory and guessing skills are actually highly developed.”

“Yeah, sure,” He nods, even though he doesn’t really agree. “How’s Scotland anyway,” He speaks lowly and a little quieter than the rest of the boys.

“It’s really amazing, still.” She said after a sip of the beer Jake had brought. She misses the way his gaze flickers to the movement, meaning he’s just about staring at her lips. “The city is just so fun and lively, but not too busy so it’s not hard to do what I want.”

She quiets down and takes another sip of her beer. She found it strange yet extremely exhilarating (not that she would ever willingly admit that) how quickly and easily the two of them had slipped off into their own private conversation. No one else seemed to mind, but she eyed the other three and listened in for a moment to hear what they were talking about. It sounded like they were fighting over how to set up the taco assembly, which again, she thought, they had grown up to the point where squabbling was over food presentation. Sam’s eyes flickered over to Jake and Y/N talking every so often, but she didn’t notice.

“What’s the catch?” Jake raises his eyebrows as if he knew when she was being deceitful. Maybe he did.

“Excuse me?”

“I can tell that’s not the whole story, why else would you have come to stay here with Sam for a month and not even go back for New Year’s?”

She clutches a hand to her heart and mumbles a “brutal” under her breath, trying to play off the absolute reading of her he had just done. “When’d you get so perceptive, Jacob Kiszka?”

“Now you’re just avoiding the question,” He smiles and runs a hand through his hair, which is long and pretty right now, no signs of him cutting it.

“I’m doing no such thing!”

“Ok, then answer the question.” He presses.

She huffs, seeing him staring at her intently, once again. She felt like a little bug under a microscope, his eyes a slightly darker shade than his brothers, a bit more charcoal maybe, examining her every thought. It was terrifying.

“I’m just getting fidgety. Like, I thought moving there was going to be the answer, but then it got old and I want to pick up and move again.”

“Sounds like you need to go on tour,” He muses, taking a long gulp of his beer.

She looks at him slightly astounded. “With you guys?”

“Well, yeah, obviously.” He laughs softly incredulous at her.

“I think you forget that I have a job.”

“Yeah, but you’re a writer, you could just freelance or we could set you up with some job that really doesn’t do anything and you could finally write the stuff you want, but you still get money and get to travel. If you actually wanted to come, we could figure something out, I just was saying it as a suggestion.”

Jake stunned her and her mouth was slightly agape. The way he smiles at her clues her into how she must look at that moment, so she closes her mouth abruptly. “I see.”

She had so much more she wanted to say but had no idea how to form the correct words. The suggestion was completely absurd. But then why was there a small voice inside of her telling her to take him up on the offer right then and there? First of all, she liked her job in Scotland. It was a sure thing and maybe the city wasn’t as exciting as it first was, but it was stable and she was happy – most of the time. Secondly, when had Jake gotten so attentive that he knew she was interested in writing something other than news stories someday. None of this was helping the childhood crush resurfacing every time they were together.

But touring the world with a rock and roll band…that had been her dream as a child that she assumed would never be able to be fulfilled. Even when her best friend and his brothers became a famous rock and roll band she still never really considered it a possibility because it was their life and she had established hers, riding on their coattails didn’t really seem like the noble option. But now, Jake was all but handing her a job offer to do just that. It still seemed rather improbable, but she had a sneaking suspicion that she would bring it up to Sam tomorrow during breakfast as casually as she could.

Just as she’s about to say something else to Jake, Josh decides it’s the right time to join the conversation with his own agenda.

“Y/N,” His lovely voice says, as his sparkling eyes catch hers. “How are you, sweet girl? It feels like it’s been ages, just shy of a year, yes?”

He had stood up while he was talking with Sam and Danny, so as he spoke, he crossed the room, bringing him to sit beside her in front of the fireplace rather than the chair he had been previously in. He wraps his free arm around her shoulders and pulls her in for a warm seated side hug. He smells piney and like freshly washed linen with just a hint of the margarita on his lips. Her body instinctively responds to the hug by pressing into his warm body agreeably. Josh always gave the best hugs.

“Hi Josh,” She says sweetly, pulling away to take a sip of your sangria. Her mind was sufficiently bubbly with drinks by now. “11 months and a day, I believe,” she guessed as he eyed her confidently.

“Like I said, ages… Hasn’t it felt like ages, Jake?” He questions his twin who had watched the hug silently.

“I’d say it felt like eight months, really,” Jake jokes back with a serious tone.

She laughs, but Josh shakes his head and gives a quick roll of his eyes. The three go on to talk a little bit about what they had been doing since she’d last seen them and a bit about her again. She notices Jake’s eyes light up when she talks about her life in Scotland again and Josh doesn’t push at the same button Jake had earlier. The knowing look in his eyes is enough to have the possibility of going on tour with them festering inside her heart even though she knew it was nothing but a silly dream. One that burned brighter than any crush she might have, but his offer certainly didn’t diminish that either.

[magnoliabloomfield]

Possession

Chapter 2: Do the Right Thing

song suggestion: Divisionary (Do the Right Thing)- Ages and Ages

The gathering broke up pretty soon after that so things could get done. Alby and Newt started showing the girl around together while Minho went to collect his cot for her. Gally went to the gardening shed and started taking out some things to make room for it. His mind was blue as he scribbled white lines of architecture on it, preplanning what he could do that would be structurally sound, safe, and almost defend-able.

Alby said the bonfire was still on for that night so the boys could let out their excitement, but this was the first one Gally planned to sit out. He was going to get a working blue print, list the materials and put the steps in order, then he was going straight to bed so he could get an early start. He looked across the Glade and spotted her near the kitchen getting a snack from Frypan. He noticed that since she became more resigned to her fate, her expression had flattened out until it was like she had none. No emotions played on her features as she ate, listened to Alby and Newt and was blatantly ogled by boys everywhere.

She said something to Alby, he nodded, and she spoke again. Alby looked around and his gaze came to a halt on Gally, one brow raised in a mix of mild surprise and confusion. Gally tried to be nonchalant as he nodded to Alby, playing it off as giving him a sign it was going well, then he turned away, hoping he’d be left alone. His face felt a little hotter and he wondered what she might have said, but he wasn’t going to do anything to find out.

He stood at his work table, paper and pencil’s littering it as well as his dishes from dinner. He was doing the finishing touches by candle light when Alby came up to him.

“It’s weird not having you in the circle on bonfire night,” he commented.

Gally stared at him a little apprehensively, not used to him making small talk. “Yeah, well.”

“Listen,” Alby went on, leaning on his work table and peering over his sketches. “She asked to start her working rounds with the builders, she said that she should help since this is all because of her,” Alby said as he gestured at all the blueprints and lists on the table.

Gally froze. For one that was pretty shucking decent of her, but on the other hand he was not ready to babysit her first, probably not ever. “You told her no, right?” Gally asked him, trying not to sound hopeful but make it a firm statement.

“I tried,” Alby admitted as he rolled a pencil across the table. “I tried to tell her that it would be hard work and you’d be busy trying to get it done quickly, but she was pretty adamant that she do something to help.”

Gally sighed. It was admirable but annoying.

“Look, just give her something simple to do, something that will take her a while and keep her out of your hair most of the time, just let her do something. I think… I think she felt a little guilty about all the work you had to do for her.”

Right, girls had feelings. Gally hadn’t meant to make her feel bad, he wasn’t even complaining, he was just stating the facts and trying to convey the time restraints he’d be under to get it done in time for her to be comfortable.

“Alright, fine,” he mumbled.

Alby laughed. “Don’t be such a shank about it! Acting all mad that the first girl to show up picked you first.”

“She didn’t pick me,” Gally refuted even as he felt his cheeks go warm. “She’s just trying to be responsible. Which is something we need more of around here,” he said as his gaze roamed over the boys whooping it up at the bonfire. He guessed she wouldn’t be anywhere near that, probably went to bed early. After all, the first day usually came with a massive headache.

“Ah whatever man,” Alby slapped him on the shoulder before taking steps back toward the action. “I hope you don’t get too attached to her tomorrow, she has other rounds to make, remember that. You can’t keep her," his words reminding Gally of the rule the keepers made without her around to hear.

Gally didn’t even respond to that, he just turned back to his work and gathered up his papers in meticulous order and weighed them down with a rock before putting all his pencils and such away in their jar. He strayed to the bonfire for one drink, telling himself it was to help him get to sleep faster, knowing it was really to calm his nerves.

He was the only one up with the sun that morning. He didn’t wake up any of builders yet even though they deserved it for goofing off at the bonfire when they knew a hard days work was waiting for them. He took the opportunity to have some peace and quiet, time alone to really picture what it was he was going to do.

He thought he had picked a good spot for it, close enough to food and the bathrooms that she wouldn’t have to go far if she got up in the middle of the night, but far enough to avoid the sound of the kitchen and the smell of the outhouses. She’d get plenty of shade here without anyone being able to use the trees to get into her house.

Satisfied with the location he measured and marked off the area. Luckily he had been planning on building a house on stilts before this and set aside the things he’d need for it as they had come along. Pretty lucky, he thought as he ran a hand over his short hair, looking up at the place where her house would be, imagining it there in detail.

“Morning,” came a small voice behind him.

He was glad he hadn't visibly startled as he turned around and saw the girl sleepily rubbing her eyes as she walked up. For some reason he didn’t have a response to that, it felt too intimate to say ‘good morning’, he never said that to any of the boys, so he just nodded at her.

“This where it’s going?” she asked as she looked at the markers.

Suddenly Gally was questioning what he had been so sure of a second ago. “Do you not want it here?” he asked her, looking around, hoping someone else was awake by now so he wasn’t alone with her.

“Honestly that was a dumb question for me to ask, obviously that’s what’s going on,” she admitted as she gestured at the plot. “And yes, this is perfectly fine location.”

She was standing about three feet away from him, but they were otherwise shoulder to shoulder facing the plot and it took on this weird feeling that it was their project. A silence sat between them for a moment.

“I’m sorry you have to go through all this trouble for-“

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Gally cut her off, he kept his eyes on the plot even when he could tell she had turned to look at him. Why had he blurted that out so fast? “It’s just something that needs done, not like it’s your fault or anything,” he shrugged to try and keep it casual. He couldn’t explain why, but he didn’t want her to feel bad on top of everything else she must be feeling.

“Might not be my fault, but I’m still the cause,” she pointed out after she considered him for a beat. Then she placed her fists on her hips. “Well, where do we start?”

@gladerscake @crazysheeplyca @thesuitkovian @poulterholland @anniemylennox @poulterjonas @carp3d1em @neilox

I've started to make them a little bit lyric inspired but it's kind of hard atm because they're still strangers, but I think Divisionary with it's line of "Do the right thing, do the right thing, do it all the time, do it all the time" is SO Gally, so therefore it's his song this chapter as he tries to do the right thing for her.

Btw, since everyone in the Glade has a name given to them by Wicked, I was going to give her a real name instead of YN, so let me know about any historical figures you think she should be named after. In Garden of Heathen I named the girl Aussie after Jane Austen since she wasn't a genius but she had the highest emotional IQ, and then in The Reason I named the girl Nikola after Tesla.

If you want updates without following me you can always follow the tag "Will Poulter protection squad" because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one using it and from now on I'll put it in the fic tags.

Possession Masterlist

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

OK, everybody: Stop pot-shaming Elon Musk

Last night, a man took a relaxing hit off a joint. Or, to put it another way for readers in California, Oregon, Washington, Colorado, Alaska, Nevada, Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, and the District of Columbia: It was a Thursday.

The man happened to be Elon Musk, founder of Tesla and SpaceX. The joint — technically a spliff or blunt, as it was marijuana mixed with tobacco — happened to be proffered by comedian and wrestling commentator Joe Rogan, who was streaming his show live from the state of California. "It's legal, right?" asked Musk as he took Rogan up on his offer.  

SEE ALSO: Elon Musks opens up about the toll Tesla takes on him

Indeed it is. And for those of us in those states where marijuana is acceptable and available to adults in a dispensary near you, it was about as notable as the whiskey he also swigged on the show. Indeed, it seemed one of the more normal things Musk has done lately. 

Accusing a member of the team that rescued schoolboys stuck in a cave in Thailand of being a pedophile? Shocking and shameful. Promising funding to buy back Tesla shares and take the company private, then rescinding the promise? A real headscratcher, one that is reportedly under SEC investigation.  

Hitting a spliff once? Meh. If anything, given his stressful role and his hair-trigger tendency to send ill-advised tweets, Musk could probably do with hitting it again. It's certainly preferable to the brain-addling Ambien that may be fueling his recent controversial public statements, according to Tesla board members.

It's pot. So what? Musk on Joe Rogan's podcast.

Image: joe rogan, youtube

But even in 2018, with legalization sweeping across America and much of the country aware of scientific reports showing the cannabis plant to be safer than alcohol, it seems we still have to contend with the alarmist legacy of reefer madness.

The New York Times, which has a history of misleading marijuana stories, clutched its pearls and called Musk's smoke a "stunt." CNN, based in a state that can't even get its act together on medical marijuana despite overwhelming public support, breathlessly suggested Musk would have to apologize. 

CNBC speculated that he was breaking Tesla policy (he wasn't; as Musk later told the Guardian, Tesla workers are allowed THC in their blood stream in drug tests.) Fox Business even snitched on Musk to the U.S. Air Force, and the USAF had to deny that it had launched any sort of investigation. 

Meanwhile Wall Street drove Tesla shares down more than 9% in early trading, much of the damage no doubt done by the street's famously cocaine-fueled investors.  

Marijuana possession arrests may be in decline (and given the clearly racist nature of those arrests, it's about time). But pot-shaming, apparently, is still a thing.   

this whole elon thing reminds me how much of a big deal weed still is to people outside of california

— ಠ_ಠ (@MikeIsaac) September 7, 2018

It wasn't as if Musk was promoting weed-smoking. (Vice complained that he'd made the recreational activity less cool just by doing it on camera.) "I'm not a regular smoker," he said. "I don't think it's very good for productivity." This is far from a universal experience, as legendary creatives like the Beatles and Bob Dylan, who may have done their best work while high, will tell you.

Still, Musk did his duty by East Coast polite society. He was a paragon of moderation. If the Grimes-Azealia Banks text conversations released last month are to be believed — Banks has since apologized for airing dirty laundry, but hasn't refuted the content — Grimes' boyfriend is still mostly in what blogger Andrew Sullivan dubbed "the cannabis closet." Musk dismisses the fact that he pegged his buyback price for Tesla shares at $420 — a number that has long been code for weed-smoking — as a mere coincidence. 

Given this two-tiered public reaction to a single toke, is it any wonder Musk would want to spend most of his time in that closet?   

There's nothing wrong with Elon Musk smoking weed on TV. What's wrong here is that hundreds of thousands of black man are currently rotting in jail for far less.

— Mikel Jollett (@Mikel_Jollett) September 7, 2018

It's hard to explain to some people in non-legal states, or some (but not all) people over a certain age, just how small a deal weed really is. The lies told by the government during the War on Drugs seeped deep into our collective consciousness. No matter how many times the gateway drug theory is refuted by research, there is a vested interest in believing it. 

Many poppers of pills and swiggers of cocktails do not want to credit the possibility that their relaxation methods are really the dangerous ones — even as a recent, vast study of studies revealed the inconvenient truth that alcohol consumption is unsafe at any level.  

But given the pace of change, not just across America, but across the world, in the 21 countries that have now at least partly legalized cannabis, it may soon be hard to explain why what Musk did on camera last night was ever considered news. 

Toke on, Elon. 

WATCH: This anti-smoking giant is taking on Juul

[the-rift1]

@ that anon who asked me about the “talk about” post

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

I have a lot of favorites… mm I’d say inside out was probably my most favorite. And the reason why was well, it was the first time I met Aaron, which was cool, but also it was a movie that had like a headspace, although a lot more creative, and it was almost representative of how my mind works.

2: Talk about your first kiss.

My first kiss was in 7th grade on a field trip, when all the girls in my dorm room (just 3 other peaps) figured out that I never had been kissed. So when we played truth or dare, I said dare and one of the girls dared another to kiss me. God I was an awkward mess, and then I basically had a crush for like 4 years on that girl who kissed me. (yike) 3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.

Jesus, uh, well, they’re the love of my life and even though it’s been rough from the very beginning, they mean too much to me for me to let go, and even though they live like a thousand miles away from me I still want to have a life with them eventually, and just, I want them to be happy. 4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

I regret nothing, really. It’s kind of my philosophy to do things so I don’t regret never doing them. Well, I guess there’s one thing. I regret never being able to stand up to my mom when I was younger, but I don’t think that would have been possible if I was younger since I was still unable to put any distance between me and her, and her temper was very very short. So I guess there’s not much to regret.

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had.

It was my last birthday where I got to get together with my friends and we had a brunch and then they gave me two tiny derg plushies that were absolutely adorable because they were mini versions of my big Martin plushie and they’re Ginko and Safier. And I also got a handmade birthday card from Aidan which was neat cuz it had a derpy peridot n stuff. And then we went over to Aidan’s house and @fishdetective was there too and we had a hardcore battle of monopoly and then also played chessclock jenga. A couple days either after or before, I also got my first car!

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had.

It's a hard tie between when I turned 15 or 16 and my parents just completely forgot my birthday or when I had to give my final senior honors project presentation which ironically fell on my birthday.. But I got to have tiramisu cake afterwards, so, I guess it wasn’t too bad.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

I’m always afraid I look dumb in front of other people, idk. I try not to think about it and just tell myself that I really don’t care. Also when I wear new clothes, even if it’s like, a different type of flannel, I get pretty nervous. But after a day of wearing it or something, I’m fine.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

It would either have to be my own computer that I made which is an absolute gaming and art monster if you ask me, or my 6 foot long drawing, or my carey mask. I have a GTX 1080 with an i7-7700k core and also 24 gbs of ram, and about 2.5 TB of storage that fits in like, a small workstation tower with a budget of about 2000 dollars. And I’m going to make an even smaller one with about the same specs for my mom later this month cuz she has an 8 year old laptop and idk honestly how she gets anything done on that. I think I’m also pretty proud of Martin Dovohd and the creation of his adventures with Avery and Safier and Quinn, although we’ve never pinned anything solid down (because I’m a busy person and a lazy artist).

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

Whaaallle I like my hair cuz it’s rad but it needs a trim cuz it’s getting too long.. mm I like my hands, even though they’re tiny, but they function pretty well.

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.

I’d say the biggest fight was more like a physical and verbal beatdown from my mom and me silently taking everything because I was basically 12 years old…. Good times….

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had.

Best dream? I was able to shapeshift into a dragon and do all kinds of shit. It was pretty long ago so I can’t recall, but I remember having an epic battle against another bigger red dragon and barely winning.

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had.

Um, probably one of the ones where I was raped or lost forever, or in a world where I was forgotten and people like close friends n stuff just don’t know who I am, or that one where I was being chased constantly by a murderer. Being shot by my best friend, straight in the head, on my knees. I got pretty dramatic dreams lol

God I just remembered last night’s dream which was fucking WILD because I was on this colonial ship, and idk if I was a stowaway or something, but I think there was this disease that started to spread and everyone was dying, so the captain decided to send me off on an escape pod and I was cryofreezed. So I ended up in a completely different solar system but I was sent to a prison since I wasn’t properly admitted and it was considered trespassing. I just remember seeing a sliver of a window to the outside world of the planet, and it was so vibrant and green.

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

It was alright, neither of us came actually.

14: Talk about a vacation.

Ok since it wasn’t specified, DREAM VACATION: Going to Japan, seeing cherry blossoms, trying out their hot springs, going to Tokyo, mmm idk. I don’t really have a specific itinerary planned. And then I would want to also go to Quebec city, and try out all the cool food they got and also go cross country skiing, and check out the snow festival. And then there’s that one place where it’s a snow hotel or something? Maybe that’s in France. I don’t remember. Also, I would love to road trip the entire US in a tesla. Specifically a self driving one cuz who wants to be at the wheel all the time lol. I also want to go to Sweden where I think they have a museum dedicated to machines playing music and it’s so neat. Oh yeah, I can’t forget about Yellowstone. And camping out there a night or so, when the sky is clear, and you get to see a million stars. Of course, this wouldn’t be worth anything if I couldn’t do it with someone tho. I think that’s where it’s the most fun.

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

In Rowan’s arms, when we first met. God, all I could think about then, was that, “I made it. I really made it. And it wasn’t all for nothing.” One of my dreams came to reality, and the only thing that I could have asked for more, was more time with him.

16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to.

Mmmmmmmmmm I’ve never really been to a party like a frat party, so, uh idk

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

There’s this person at one of the dining centers that has really rad blonde hair and they just give out rad vibes and I just want to talk to them but I am just a bad nerd derg who can’t amount to their level. So. Yeah lol…

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

I said fuck in third grade because my ‘friend’ wouldn’t stop singing “three little pigs” despite me saying please stop, and I got really frustrated and yelled, “Would you please fucking stop?” lol I broke down crying afterwards because everyone was staring at me in silence.

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

Rumors started spreading about how my friend who was a boy, that we “liked” each other, when in fact, we were just really good friends, and we agreed on the matter that that’s how it was and that people were trash. God he could make me laugh anytime even when I was super sad. It sucked that he had to transfer out when it got to high school though.

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

Man, high school was fucking rough.. socially. I lost almost all of my middle school friends by the time I was a sophomore and I basically stuck to tumblr for comfort, cuz the school is very small and people already formed cliques that was already too late to join. I also wasn’t interested in them, since no one was a weeb like me. I really don’t want to talk much about this. Sorry.  

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

On what? What does this imply, relationship? Mm I broke up with Aaron but for the most part, literally everyone else leaves first. Or just straight up rejects me, it’s pretty lit.

22: Talk about your worst fear.

I have a lot of fears and one of the worst ones is that I lose my hands, or that I lose my precise motor functions and I can’t draw, do labwork, or play the piano, etc etc…. Also abandonment, and just ending up as an old hermit. No, actually, I think my worst fear is just rejection. If I knew that there wasn’t a possibility of being loved n stuff, I think I would be pretty content with just myself and just living in the woods with a solid internet and my computer and maybe some doggos and other pets.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down. Lord, alright. So I think one summer, I applied to five jobs as like a cashier or something and they all rejected me so I think that was pretty weird, and then on the other hand a day after or so, I see one of my peers working as a cart pusher and I just felt so annoyed. Not at them, just exasperated.

 24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Well, someone told me that they would always love me. I find that hard to believe, personally, maybe because my mom told me that no one would love me unconditionally unless they were my parents. And some part of me always believed that, and another part of me always wanted to find evidence to refute it.

 25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

Ahsdkjflajhfdkljs how about let’s not

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick.

Lay in bed, groan, eat soup and produce a lot of mucus. I would usually game and watch movies if I had the luxury to, or just do hw. And also feel sad because I probably wouldn’t be able to see anyone and couldn’t hang out with ppl.

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body.

Hands are really interesting. And also the worst to draw. But there’s just so much variance in people’s hands, which I think is cool.

28: Talk about your fetishes.

Um 29: Talk about what turns you on.

What 30: Talk about what turns you off.

Thrussy

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

Dark. Cold. Nothingness. Just, a stop. Maybe I get to be reincarnated as a rock or something. Or there’s a place for souls. No one knows. Idk.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

I remember that there was a lake, like a block from my house and on special days with my Gramps I got to take out my toy motorboat and play with it but most of the time it got caught on the algae.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

I game. I just distract myself to the point that I forget everything else. And I also watch cartoons n stuff.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured.

Probably that one time where I fell and the gravel gouched out a cubic centimeter of my knee. I bled pretty consistently and my mom had to pull out bits of rock when I got back home from that.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. I wish I could stop wasting so much time and actually doing important work lol. I don’t particularly have any nasty habits, really. I never bit my nails or sucked on my fingers.

 36: Talk about your guilty pleasures. hoarding chocolate. Hoarding food in general, and buying unnecessary tech stuff for myself. Also buying games when I already have too many to play with.

 37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. I’m pretty sure I was in love with the people who I “think” I were in love with? I don’t really understand this. Is this about like, past ex’s? I know who I love. Or I could interpret “in love” as a crush? Mm okay. Let’s have it that way. I had an infatuation with this girl who low-key reminded me of betty boop but like a better, sexy version of it. Her makeup was always on point and just had a really good aesthetic, and then I also found out that she liked hardcore metal, which is cool, but not my taste. So, like, super amazing aesthetic that was probably incompatible with mine.  

 38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

There’s a lot of songs that remind me of people, but mainly Rowan and Aidan. Anything by Porter Robinson reminds me of the time when I was with Aaron. The Muppet song where they go “mnah mnah doo dooooo do do do” reminds me of Hila and that used to trigger me for a while but I’m chill with it.

 Some main ones that remind me of Rowan:

Paradise Valley by Honey and the Sting

Honeybee by the Steam Powered Giraffes

I Know You're Out There by Stephanie Mabey.

Ones that remind me of Aidan:

Give Up by the Postal Service

BGC418 by Big Giant Circles and also their entire Imposter Nostalgia album

any song by Wintergatan

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier.

I wish I figured out what feelings were. Like, when I was young, I never made the connection between the words and the emotions that those words described. For the two years of me crushing on that girl I talked about earlier, I didn’t understand what my attraction meant. And that it was also okay to be gay. Yeah I wish I knew about that whole ordeal, and also how to socially navigate my way through high school n shit. I also didn’t understand the connection between the word guilt, and the feeling. I just knew I felt super awful and it was a really terrible pain in my chest and hands and that I just wanted to die from it.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

I don’t know, I’m pretty young, and there’s a lot of things that are just starting. I guess you could say it’s the end of the number of bad things that’s happened to me in grade school and the end of the ridiculous amount of bullying I had there, and hopefully never comes back.

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