#Tbh I don’t know how a porcupine managed to get there but hey-ho

[dancingpottedplant666]

So you know how Tf2 takes place in New Mexico? Well I’m an animal lover, and I know that there are tons of fantastic creatures there and I’m sure there are a bunch of them they would 100% be hanging around the nooks and crannies of RED team’s base. So I present to Ye:

Scenarios about our beloved mercs and an animal-loving reader handle an encounter with New Mexico’s amazing fauna. 

Part 1: Offense

Scout and the Roadrunner

It was one of those moments where it was somewhat peaceful outside the base for once(this being only a little shouting and an explosion every hour or so) and you where just sitting outside with Scout as he snacked on a bucket of chicken and talked your ear off with anything that came to his mind, all of which you pleasantly listened to. Then, a blur of brown whizzed by the both of you. You bolded up in your seat as Scout looked at you quizzically

“ey, is somethin’ wrong toots? I know my story was great n’ all but I didn’t think it was that excitin’”

You put a finger to his mouth as you pointed to where you saw the blur dashed to, and after a few seconds, a small bird patters into view.

“Holy shit Scout check it out! It’s a roadrunner!”

You whisper-shouted. He gave a puzzled look and then gave the small bird an eyebrow raise

“uh, huh, whazat s’posed ta mean?”

He tried to look like he knew what that was but he did a very terrible job of doing so. You excitedly told him about the little bird as it scampered around the dirt,

“it’s literally a badass Scout, it nests in cacti to protect it’s babies, can run up to 26 miles per hour, and it can kill and eat snakes like it’s nothing!”

He just stared at you as you in amazement as you continue on telling little facts about the tiny bird, until you both froze as it started to ease over to Scout. You told him to not freak out as he was looking a bit intimidated, until the bird plucked a chunk of chicken from his bucket and bolted.

“HEY!” Scout yelled as he jumped up and started sprinting after the roadrunner,

“Unfair! that’s my chicken ya dumb bird! Not yours!”

At this point you were clutching your stomach and laughing as you watched a grown ass man chase after a two foot bird around in circles in the dust.

Soldier and (somehow)the Porcupine

As per usual, Soldiers booming, patriotic, voice was rattling the hallways of the base, so to try and spare some of the other men some peace for a while, you offered to take one for the team, and offer to listen to his “speeches” outside so his voice could be “heard across America more efficiently”.

……….Speech number, what? 19? You couldn’t remember. It felt like you were listening to this man talking about everything striped and star spangled for hours. Until a rustling was heard in the distance. Soldier neck almost snapped in half as he turned to face you,

“WHAT WAS THAT MAGGOT?”

You could just see his eyes under his helmet as they darted every which way. “Uh, I’m not sure, maybe it’s-”

You didn’t get a chance to finish as Soldier sprinted towards the detection of the noise.

“ALRIGHT THEN! SHOW YOURSELF YOU DIRTY BLUE FRENCHIE! I KNOW YOU’RE THERE!”

You ran after him and did your best to keep up, trying to tell him that this wasn’t the best idea, but by the time you caught up to him, he was crouched, face first, in a shrub.

“Soldier! what the hell are you doing! You- oh no..”

Out of the bush came an American porcupine, chittering and squeaking as it bolted in the opposite direction. You didn’t even want to know what happened, but you asked anyway.

“uh, Soldier? You ok?”

He shot up, back facing you,

“CADET, I HAVE CONCLUDED. THAT THAT WAS SOMEHOW, NOT A SPY!”

He turned around, the bottom half of his face was covered in quills. You gasped and put your hand over your mouth.

“oh god, what did you do?”

He very vividly describes how he was fearlessly defending the base from the intruder as you dragged him down to Medic’s office. “SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT WASN'T A SPY?”

“No, it was an American Porcupine”

“SO THAT PORCUPINE WAS AN AMERICAN?”

“Yes, yes he was, and he was surprised that a fellow American attacked him”

“WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF HE WASN'T A COMMUNIST PORCUPINE?”

“um,”

The conversation carried on back and forth until you reached Medic’s office, and you could say he was a tad bit shocked at Soldiers face, but then he handed you a pair of tweezers and some disinfecting ointment and pushed you two out of his office saying he was busy(most likely to do with a new supply of organs). So you spent the next two hours plucking quills from Soldier’s face as you told him more about porcupines.

“They are the largest rodents in America, and they have poor eyesight so they mostly rely on hearing and smell”

“OW, THEY DON’T SEEM VERY AMERICAN, OW, OTHER THAN THEIR OW, ADVANCED WEAPONRY, THEY OW, SEEM VERY OW, WIMPY TO ME OW,”

“yeah, they would be in more danger if they didn’t have their quills, hey, did you know the reason why it hurts so much to take out is because there’re barbed?”

When finally, all of the quills were removed, you had to forcefully smother his face in the ointment and put bandages on the nastiest cuts. Afterwards, you sent him off and flopped down on the sofa and let out a sigh. This will be quite a story for later.

Pyro and the Desert Centipede

Engineer was working in the garage one evening and you offered to come and keep Pyro company while he worked to make sure nothing was set ablaze. Safe to say you didn’t really understand how Pyro’s funny little brain worked, nor their mumbled speech, but you still treated them like the rest of the mercs and did your best to understand what they say.

You were looking up at the sky while Pyro played with matches and drew little doodles in the dust, until they got up and mumbled a few little words and crouched down near a rock. You got up to see what they were doing when they very forcefully took hold of something with their gloved hand.

“Hey buddy, what do you got there- OH HOLY FUCK”

You jumped back as he turned around and held a squirming centipede right up to your face and cocked their head.

“Hudda hu?”

They sounded as if they were asking what it was. They knew you liked animals, they saw you draw them and talk about them all the time, so if anyone knew what this was, it was you.

“Oh, y-you wanna know what that is?”

After calming yourself down, you sat next to him.

“Mph!”

They nodded a yes as the centipede did its best to try and bite the pyromaniac, but their thick gloves prevented its jaws from ever piercing skin.

“well, uh, you should probably hold it more at the back of the head then holding on to its mid-section”

They looked at their hand and repositioned it so the centipede was curling somewhat comfortably around the glove.

“yeah just like that! Good job!”

They let out a noise of pride and settled down as you bestowed upon them some epic centipede knowledge.

“These dudes are the largest centipedes in North America, and can reach up to 8 inches in the wild, they’re called centipedes because of their one hundred legs, but they actually can have less or even more than that!”

“Hrmpf Hudda Mpf!”

Pyro excitedly listens to every word you say, eagerly waiting for more.

“Not many centipedes are dangerous to humans, but that one is one of the only few that can harm humans. Their venom isn’t fatal to non allergenic people, but they can certainly give you a nasty nip if provoked”

You continued info dumping as Pyro eagerly listened on until Engie decided it was probably time for them to head back inside. Pyro let out a small mumble-complaint but eventually with enough convincing, they let the centipede scuttle back under the rock where they found it.

Now, every once in a while, you and Pyro will sit out side and look for centipedes under the night sky.

Until you needed to go back inside.

“Pyro, what’s in your pocket?”

*several centipedes fall out*

***

Let me know if you guys would like a part 2!

Update: HEY HEY! Part 2 here!