#TW:mentions of possible overdosing

[mortuaest]

Ive been suffering and I dont want to be alive on new years eve, and if I dont stay too long at a friends house, my plan of possibly overdosing on a shit ton of pills will happen.

I lost a friend at the start of 2022.  I was never informed until I found out through FB then I was never informed of their funeral. I lost the job I had after 10 and a half years because Supervision and management. I got a new job, and within a week of that I had someone who was 87 years old blast through the red light they had while I was turning left.  Because of that Im now having more serious health issues.  Period for five and a half months.  My first severe concussion.  Staples in my head, broken bone. 

I lost my Emotional support animal.  Ive had him since he was five weeks old.  I was fifteen and a half.  He got me through so much abuse because of my egg donor not wanting an autistic child and an autistic adult as a child, and someone who’s Queer (I’m non-binary and asexual) and his cancer in his cheek got worse, fast.  He helped me through the medical rape I went through at 19 years old and he’s the reason why I lived for so long and stopped trying to take my life for so long. 

I expected to be dead by 14 years old.

Not even three weeks after loosing the light of my own life, I lost another friend.  His father didn’t really tell us the cause of death but it was an accident, and it wasn’t by his own hand which we’re happy that it wasn’t.  

Then I lost the last bit of family I thought I had on Christmas because of the fact that my father cannot accept the fact that I’m not his daughter, Im his offspring, and I havent been his daughter since around 2016 and havent used my Deadname unless its for legal reasons, since I dont have the time or money to legally change it since October 2018.  And my sister thinks that just respecting my pronouns and new name is all I need, and that whatever issues with my father I have with his severe transphobia is between him and I and not her issue, with her knowing full well Im dealing with so fucking much.

Friends JUST finally started giving a shit, not even a week ago.  A ton of them know and knew about my plans of suicide once my ESA passed, I cant last without him.  People know that he’s gone.  Im someone who has two sexual assaults, twenty plus years of physical, mental and emotional abuse, PTSD from that, PTSD from working during COVID-19 being immune comprimised and therapists not taking me seriously because I only have medicaid and I’m autistic and part of the LGBTA.

Im so, so tired.  I dont know if Ill be surviving this year and if I do its going to get even worse mentally and emotionally for me.  I don’t have a support system or anything that I know I need to survive and keep going and live.  I cant keep going.   Im so broken I don’t deserve to be fixed, and Im having my probably 30th or more mental breakdown because Im just so fucking tired of this year.

So if I disappear, and if I do survive this year, I’m sorry if I take a two week hiatus or something.  I don’t have replies barely ever to do anyway, so I doubt people will miss me.  Ill let people know.  I just, need to get this off my chest and I know my friends are tired of me ranting and bitching on FB.  They probably think Im over reacting on everything that happened.

I have a queue lined up to post memes once a day and I feel Ill be adding more as a just in case I do last past today.  

Im sorry if Ive disappointed anyone as a roleplay partner, Im sorry Im a shitty person.  Im sorry Im weak.