#TW i haven't... yknow the other kind of self harm in like 2 years

[narutomaki]

just trying to get it out

tw for death m, various abuse m, trauma m, weight m / body issues m , self harm m

ike I'm all for making yourself who you want to be but like. and like I know im not special for it or anything. but neglect and physical+emotional+sexual abuse growing up when you know they're wrong and you have people in your direction family saying that you need to be treated better but. having ur main caretaker ignore that is. it's.

idk.

I haven't lived with my family since I was 17. That's almost 10 years ago. my grandmother passed even before then. My mother passed over 2 years ago now. I don't talk to my grandfather or uncle. And I only talk to my brother sparingly because I help him out financially. Which yeah I know. what a joke.

I should. I should be better than this. I should know who I want to be I should be able to tell what I like and don't like and how I want people to see me and how I want to dress but it's just all so.

tied up.

I cant get top surgery because the surgeons I can get to don't operate on my bmi class. I can't lose weight under observation because none of the clinicians I have spoken to will do that with someone (me) with a history of ED. I can't speak to private clinicians because I can't afford to. I can't get a better job because I can't go to school because I can't focus because I'm too-

I feel like it's all just excuses and that I really have 0 reason to be the way I am. and I'm in group therapy and I know I should be Kinder to myself. but.

like. what was even my point in the first place?

oh right.

any way I don't know what kind of clothes I want to wear or the fashion I like because it's all either (closed) religious wear, Japanese and Chinese / "Asian" inspired western made fashion, or styles made for Skinny Bitches

and I dabbled in trying to. be religious which is why I'm in love with the garb. but I'm... well I'm myself and I hit a wall because I needed community and I can never. never ever. find it in myself to make the first step and reach out because im so so scared of rejection.

because I spent my formative years. being rejected. I don't even remember what I liked as a child. or teen. everything was shameful when I liked it. deviant.

I don't know why. I don't know what was wrong with me. alternatingly obsessed with the idea of a mixed baby and then calling me slurs when she's mad. I'm not my father

I'm.

this is what happens when I want to think abt what fabrics I want to put on my body and in what order. good lord dude.

sometimes I wonder if it's. yknow. just anxiety and adhd or if there's. other bits and bobs in there that are more directionally pointed to or associated with moral ocd or. at least similar obsession compulsion cycle of obsess over it and compulsively isolate or find ways to punish myself as a social good.

.....

(therapists name) you have GOT to move faster into one on one session girl it is getting DIRE out here.