#TW // suicidal thoughts
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Everything okay?
If you or someone you know is struggling, you are not alone. There are many support services that are here to help. For 24/7 peer support and other resources, message KokoBot on Tumblr.
If you are in the United States, please try:
National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or dial 988 or (en Español)
The Trevor Project (LGBT crisis intervention) or dial 1-866-488-7386
Trans Lifeline or dial 1-877-565-8860 (en Español)
The National Domestic Violence Hotline or 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Rape Abuse & Incest National Network or 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
S.A.F.E. Alternatives for Stopping Self Abuse or 1â800-DONT-CUT (366â8288)
National Eating Disorders Association
If you are outside the United States, visit IASP to find resources for your country.
For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.
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The canon heart event that made me want to do these comics to begin with đ§ïž
â previous | next ->
Comic Masterlist
#stardew valley#sdv#sdv shane#sdv farmer#nell franklin#comic#artsy stuff#tw suicidal thoughts#stardew comic
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I'm sorry
Masterpost
Next
Previous
#rottmnt#art#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#digital art#rottmnt leo#artstyle#rise leo#save rottmt#leonardo hamato#mental illness#rottmnt comic#comic#tw s3lf harm#tw suicidal thoughts#tw mental breakdown#tw mental health#tw self harm
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I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down, I use you up
Mr. Self Destruct
Nine Inch Nails - Mr. Self Destruct
#tw blood / s**cidal thoughts#bill cipher#bill cipher fanart#the book of bill#gravity falls#the book of bill fanart#stanford pines fanart#stanford pines#tbob fanart#ford pines#billford#billford fanart#tw blood#tw suicidal thoughts
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INVINCIBLE 2x04: It's Been a While
#invincible#invincibleedit#debbie grayson#nolan grayson#omni man#omniman#my edit#gif#animation#should I trigger tag this? let me know if I should and what it needs to be#tw suicidal thoughts#does this tag apply?
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what kind of defense mechanism is âiâm going to fucking kill myselfâ like please grow up babe
(iâm babe)
#bpd safe#bpd vent#bpd culture is#bpd thoughts#actually bpd#bpd feels#bpd problems#bpd blog#bpd stuff#bpd#actually borderline#borderline culture is#living with borderline#borderline things#borderline problems#borderline blog#borderline thoughts#being borderline#borderline personality disorder#coping with humor#laughing at my pain instead of dying#tw suicidal thoughts
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give yourself a reason | m. murdock
a/n: hi guys. this is much different than what I promised you last time I posted and it's a lot different than what i usually post but i've been struggling so intensely with my depression and anxiety and genuinely the only thing that's gotten through it is "you can't kill yourself yet, you haven't seen daredevil born again" so i guess this is a fic about that lmao warnings: massive trigger warning for depression and suicidal thoughts, like just. pretty much the entire fic is the reader wanting to die and having bad mental health. besides maybe some cursing (but i cant recall) that's pretty much it. word count: 2.1k summary: the devil of hell's kitchen talks you off a ledge (literally) pairing: matt murdock x gn!reader now playing: call your mom - noah kahan "medicate, meditate, save your soul for jesus/throw a punch, fall in love, give yourself a reason/don't wanna drive another mile without knowin' you're breathin'"
You are the light in a dark room for so many people.
You are the glue of your friend groupâConstantly planning hangouts, constantly responding to text messages, youâre always there for people.
You visit the bodega at the corner every morning for a large coffee and to pet the bodega cat.
You bring donuts in to work every Friday, for no reason other to bring joy to peopleâs lives.
You have every reason to live.
YouâŠ
Are standing on the ledge of your building, wondering if youâd pass out before you hit the ground.
Youâve dealt with depression for years. Itâs been an uphill battle since you were eleven, maybe even earlier. And it goes through phasesâSometimes, you just coexist with it. It lives in the corner of your brain, where a lamp or a soulmate should be. You know itâs with you, but sometimes it just sits on your shoulder, observing.
Other times, it shackles you. It weighs you down, pulling you down under the crashing waves, and every time you pull yourself up to breath, it drags you down faster, more relentlessly.
Itâs an intense unfortune that you could blame on any number of things, and you have tried.
But things have been bad recently.
And itâs not that your life is particularly hard right nowâThereâs no looming deadlines, your relationships are all fine, you thought you were happy, really, but one day you woke up.. unable to come up with a reason.
For as long as you can remember, youâve found a reason. For a long time you thought, no, I couldnât do that to my mom. Then, you said if you could just make it to college, everything would be easier. And then, you figured if you could make it to New York City, youâd be able to cope with things.
And it worked for a while, butâ
âHey,â A voice says from behind you, âhey, justâtake a step back.â The voice says, and you tilt your head back, trying to look at who has interrupted you in this vulnerable moment.
âGo away,â You demand, your voice harsh as you realize you are not dealing with just any old witness- The Devil of Hellâs Kitchen stands behind you.
You know all about him. He popped up a year or two before you moved to the city, and youâve always kind of daydreamed about him saving youâYouâve seen pictures and videos of him, glimpses of him.. But theyâre just fleeting moments of a silly crush.
âYou know I canât do that,â He says, his voice getting closer. âI wonât do that.â
Then you feel tears in your eyes. Nothing can be easy, can it?
âPlease,â You beg, âIâm not hurting anyone, I just.. want it to stop.â
âYou are hurting someone. Youâre about to hurt yourself and I wonât let that happen.â But he knows you wonât step away. And he doesnât want to tackle you off the ledge.
âPlease,â You say again, a shaky hand wiping your cheek, your heartbeat thumping out of your chest. You donât want to die. You just donât want to be in pain anymore.
âLetâs just sit,â he offers, his voice much closer to you now. âYou donât have to get off the ledge, just sit.â He requests.
âLook, devil man, I really donât want you to give me some speech about how life is worth living, okay? Justââ
âWe donât have to talk about why youâre up here,â he says, âWe can just sit.â From the corner of your eye, you see him sitting next to where you stand, his legs dangling over the edge.
He offers you a hand to help you sit down.
You take it.
And youâre not even sure why, because you donât want to talk to this man, no matter how you admire what he does to other people. You sit next to him, and you feel yourself getting pulled down again, unable to breathe. Static fills your brain, repeating horrible things, telling you that everything for everyone would be easier if you justâ
âHave you ever considered that Dr. Pepper could be a woman?â
âWhat?â You blink, now looking at him. What a ridiculous thing to say to a person who was about to kill themselves?
âWell, have you?â
âUh.. No.â You answer, your face still twisted in confusion. âNo, Iâve never considered that.â
âI always hear about people talking about this hypothetical doctor behind the soda, and they always refer to them as a man. Kind of messed up,â He shrugs.
âI donât understand,â You respond honestly.
âI told you we didnât have to talk about why you were up here, but I never said anything about not talking at all.â
You suppose he has a point.
âOkay.â You answer, feeling awkward now.
âHave you lived in the City long?â He wonders aloud.
âNo,â You find yourself echoing the same story youâve told a thousand times. âNo, I moved here about a year ago.â
âDo you like it?â
Your stomach churns.
âYeah.â Youâre having a hard time being more descriptive than that.
âHave you been to see any good shows?â he asks, âOh, have you seen Wicked?â
Youâre confused again. You glance back at him. The Devil of Hellâs Kitchen is asking you if youâve seen a Broadway musical about The Wicked Witch of the West. Much like the question about Dr. Pepper, youâre just extremely caught off guard, because it seems so out of character.
âNot in years.â You answer, âI saw it with my mom when I was younger.â
âWell you should see it again.â He said, âItâs really good, even better than you remember.â He promises.
âWhy are you talking about this?â You answer, and he sighs.
âThe confusion is on purpose,â He confesses, âI heard somewhere that if you can just distract someone having an episode, it might pull them out of it.â
You do feel.. better.. You suppose. Youâve been pulled above water, able to breathe, because in your confusion, there was no room for any static or bad thoughts to get in. Maybe better is a strong word, but thereâs an absence of all of the intense thoughts that distracted you.
âOh.. Thank you.â Is all you find yourself saying.
âIâm gonna go back on my promise,â he starts, âI need to ask you why you feel like this is your only option.â
Your shoulders fall a bit, remembering everything.
âYouâre a liar.â
âJust try.â
âI donât want to.â
âHave you ever tried it?â
âTried what?â
âVerbalizing it, saying it all out loud?â
Well, now you feel silly. Very silly. You know a therapist might help, but youâve been busy. Andâ
âYou have your own problems,â You start, âI canât ask you to take on my problems, too.â
âI asked you to talk about it,â he responds, âBesides, we donât even know each other. Youâre not burdening me, I promise.â And youâre inclined to believe him.
So, you take a deep breath and search for your words.
âI just canât find a reason.â You start. âIâve always been able to find a reason before, a reason to keep going, to push ahead, but..â You blink. âI just canât find it. Iâve gone through all my usuals.â
âWhat about your mom?â he asks, recalling your earlier comment about him.
âShe was the reason for a long time.â You confess, âBut she has my stepdad now. Everyoneâs taken care of. My friends, my siblings, my mom.. The only one whoâs alone is me.â
The Devil doesnât say it, but his heart aches for you.
âPeople would miss you,â he recalls his own depression, âTheyâd grieve you as intensely as they love you.â He reminds, and you know that.
âTheyâd find a way to move on.â You reason, âTheyâd have to figure it out.â
âHow long have you been dealing with these feelings?â
âAs long as I can remember.â You respond, âI thought if I could survive my childhood, it would stop. Moving here, that was supposed to be the end, but..â You frown. âAfter the honeymoon phase, Iâm just back in that hole.â
âThereâs ways to get you out of that hole,â He promises.
âHow?â You demand, tears filling your eyes, âTell me a reason I should keep going that I havenât heard, that I havenât thought, that actually gets through to me,â You ask.
He pauses. Itâs a tall order.
âYou know thereâs no magical cure.â He starts, âBut you find the little things. You canât find any big reason to live? Fine. Find the small reasons,â He reasons, âThe way sun feels on your skin, your favorite team winning a game, a homecooked meal.â
âGive me a big reason.â You request.
âI can hear heartbeats,â he says, and when you scoff, he shakes his head, âNo, seriously. So, hereâs your big reason: Donât make me listen to your heart stop beating.â
Itâs a low blow. A hit to your core, right to the part of you that feels guilty you even have these feelings.
âLet me walk you home.â He says after a moment.
âI live in this building,â You say, and for a moment, you almost think that the Devil tenses, like he hadnât realized that.
âThen let me walk you to your apartment. Itâs cold out here, câmon.â He offers.
âHow do you know I wonât just do it tomorrow? Or after you leave?â
âI trust you,â And somehow you donât believe him. But he swings his legs around and stands on the solid ground of the roof. He offers his hand to you again. âLetâs go inside.â
You take his hand and let him guide you off the ledge, and it only takes a few steps for you to start cryingâtruly sobbing at the idea of what you were about to do. The Devil is right; tonight wonât be the night.
And as soon as he listens to you start sobbing, his arms are around you like heâs known you your entire life. Heâs warm, safe. His hand gently rubs your back, his pointer finger running up and down your spine. The Devil gives wonderful hugs, it reminds you of hot soup on a winter day, the first hot day of spring after a long winter, and a memory from before depression reared itâs ugly head at you, of being three, maybe four years old on Christmas Eve, wrapped in blankets, safe and loved, with a full stomach of food.
You donât know him, but you know right then and there that youâll be grateful to him forever.
âItâs okay,â he says softly, his voice like a lullaby, âYouâre okay. Iâve got you, sweetheart.â You can tell he means the words, that they arenât obligatory, but genuine. Heâll look after you. He lets you cry into his shoulder for a long time, reminding you to breath.
When thereâs no tears left to cry, The Devil gently pulls away, his hand now on your cheek as he wipes away the tears that run down your face.
And thereâs only one thing left to say,
âLet me take you home.â He says gently. And you nod, words escaping you. You walk with him down to your apartment, letting him tuck you into bed after drinking some water. As you wait for sleep to find you, he gently brushes hair from your face as he asks, âPromise me youâll call someone tomorrow. A therapist, a help line, your mom. Promise me youâll find the help you need. Promise me youâll find a reason.â
Studying his features, since, you donât know when youâll see him again, you nod.
âI promise.â
He leans forward and kisses your forehead. Itâs foreign. Welcomed. Paternal.
âGood. Goodnight, sweetheart.â
âDonât be a stranger,â You request, and you see the corners of his lips twitch up.
âIâll tell you what,â He starts, âIâll come visit you tomorrow night, too. Okay?â
âOkay.â
The Devil of Hellâs Kitchen saves peopleâbut not everyone needs to be saved in the same way.
He waits for you to fall asleep before he leaves, breaking the lock on the door up to the roof so you canât get up there, not until they fix it. Then, he makes his way to the window on the other side of your floor, to the apartment down the hall from yours.
He crawls into the window and pulls off his cowl, before showering, and then crawling into bed. He hopes youâll find a reason, but he knows heâll show up again if you canât. Thatâs just the type of person he is.
#matt murdock x reader#matt murdock#daredevil#matt murdock x you#matt murdock x y/n#matt murdock fic#daredevil fanfiction#daredevil fic#matt murdock fluff#matt murdock angst#daredevil angst#depressed!reader#tw depression#tw suicide#tw suicidal thoughts#mental health#mental illness
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A casually suicidal whumpee constantly mouthing off to who they think is their new whumper but who is, in actuality, a very exasperated, reluctant caretaker.
#loving this dynamic at the moment#whump#reluctant caretaker#tw suicide#tw suicidal thoughts#whumpee#caretaker#whumpee thinks caretaker is new whumper#whump prompt#whump scenario#whump dynamics
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Sometimes I deal with suicidal thoughts and get urges. My lack of emotional permanence makes it extra hard because Iâm convinced that feeling suicidal is the only feeling and itâll never pass. Something that helps me get through the moment is âI always have the power to end everything but I donât have to do it right now.â
Reminding myself of that can help me get through the feelings. It makes the urges less strong. Telling myself ânoâ instead of âmaybe laterâ makes them harder to ignore and makes my emotional situation worse.
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Xie Lian: I donât know whatâs scarier. That everyone wants to run a sword through my heart or that, sometimes...I just wanna let them.
#source: nimona#incorrect quotes#incorrect tgcf#heaven official's blessing#xie lian#angst#tgcf#tw suicidal thoughts#sorry about the angst#tian guan ci fu
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BPD culture is give me attention now I'm going to fucking kill myself talk to me why won't you fucking talk to me just TALK TO ME. and then someone asks if you're okay and you blow them off saying you're fine and they're ridiculous for even asking.
.
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what it's like to fuck re4 leon (angsty)
pairing: leon/reader
cw: ANGST, smut, rough sex, mentions of suicidal ideation, mentions of death, low self-esteem
summary: i wanted to write headcanons/a similar post to the vendetta!leon post and give my 'realistic'/pessimistic take on re4 leon's sex life, (as opposed to the cute/sexy idealistic version), but i let my mind off it's leash and went full-blown depressing
wc: 977
Leonâs a certified cynic and doesnât do much to hide it. If you found him out somewhere, maybe a bar - a place heâd one day frequent, heâd seem unapproachable. Not only due to his obvious physical attractiveness, but also to his disinterested expression, which wasnât directed at anything or anyone in particular. He probably got dragged out of his house by friends who were chatting and laughing, or had already gone home with someone else, so he was just biding time until heâd decide to call a cab home.Â
If you struck up a conversation with him, heâd smile politely because behind it all, heâs still kind. The stoic facade is just a new manifestation of depression because heâs not allowed to cry or rot away in bed. Thatâs not what a good government agent does. Heâs charming when you finally get him to open up a bit. He compliments you, sincerely, despite the awkward manner in which the words fall out of his mouth.Â
As the night drags on you canât stop yourself from thinking about how badly you want to take him home or vice versa. Youâre hoping heâll kiss you, but heâs not into PDA, so he wonât, in a crowded bar. But, when youâre standing outside about to call a cab, you think heâs going to offer you his jacket because itâs cold during the winter in D.C., but when he wraps one arm around you, his other hand lifts your chin, so he can kiss you. Soon, that same hand is cradling the back of your head, so you donât hit your head on the brick wall behind you when youâre pressed up against it. The kiss is hot. Itâs not all tongue-and-teeth sloppy, but itâs far from chaste, especially once he has one of your legs wrapped around one of his hips.Â
Eventually, heâs holding you up entirely and it takes no energy for him, you can tell by his arms. Still, you can feel his biceps flex under your touch, and you canât help but think about the possibility of reaching down and feeling a similar firm sensation at the front of his jeans.Â
If youâre lucky, if heâs too drunk and canât walk without stumbling, thus incapable of any sort of wild sex, or if heâs too sober and still has a grasp on the consequences of getting caught with his pants down in public, he might take you home. The sex wouldnât be rough - unless you ask for it - because he doesnât know you like that and would never want to cross a boundary. He understands what those are. If you asked for it hard, heâd happily grant that wish because heâs constantly pent up with frustration and has very few outlets to get his emotions out. Itâs not like he can talk this shit out, so sex is a cheap bandaid solution, but it feels better than nothing. Heâd like it from behind - he wouldnât want to see your face, but not because he doesnât think youâre beautiful. He does. But sometimes pleasure looks like pain and he hates to watch people cry even no matter the circumstance.Â
On the other hand, heâs quite the masochist. He wants to get his hair pulled while heâs on his knees with his face shoved between your legs. His perfect, precious hair that he fought so hard to keep, but this is the only time itâs not for show. Itâs useful when it comes to sex, itâs another vulnerability, one that he allows himself to have. He likes scratches down his back, too, ones that cover up old scars like a new paint job. In the shower the next morning, he doesnât have to relive every knife and bullet thatâs ever grazed his skin. Nails down his back or his chest let him link pain to pleasure, he only deserves the former in his opinion, though, the second is just collateral.Â
Sex is just a chase to death, really, Leon thinks. Itâs the kind heâs man enough to suffer. The ten seconds of oblivion are so good, especially since he doesnât have to think anymore. He canât off himself just yet, so itâs the best he can do. The only other options are morphine, lobotomy and a bullet to the head, or at least, thatâs what he thinks. Heâd never say it out loud, though.Â
When he fucks you, he doesnât have to think. Itâs the same adrenaline rush he feels when heâs in fight or flight mode. Itâs like killing, you feel the guilt later. Itâs not the same as fighting bioterrorism, though, since the governmentâs the one thatâs screwing him in that situation. The animalistic, carnal side of him doesnât take over his mind when he kills. Heâs not voracious like that, thereâs nothing thrilling. Because no matter how hard heâs thrusting into you, even if the tip of his dick is hitting your cervix everytime and his iron grip on you leaves bruises, heâs a good man inside.Â
If you donât want it hard and fast, youâll get it slow and deep and methodical. Itâs a memorized routine, heâs just running on instinct, but heâs not bored. Itâs more like watching the same TV show over and over, it was good the first time and itâs comfortable, so you keep cycling through the same episodes. If it ainât broke, donât fix it.Â
Leon feels guilty when he gets his dick sucked, so youâd have to coax him into it. If you really want to spoil him, though, youâd have to ask him not to pull out when heâs right on the edge. He doesnât even think he has a breeding kink, but itâs like youâve put malware in his brain and just fucked up the code, he canât help the fact that he blows his load inside you. Heâll buy you Plan B tomorrow and leave it on the counter alongside a sticky note with an apology on it, short and sincere. Â
Leon will let you stay the night, let you snuggle up to him while he tries to reciprocate the same gentleness, and heâll make you coffee in the morning. He wonât plan on romancing you, though. Itâs not out of any malice. Itâs just that he doesnât quite believe in love, or at least, he doesnât believe itâs for him. The government controls his life and heâs learned to submit - they havenât sent any women to court him yet, so heâs convinced theyâd never let him have a girlfriend.
#leon s kennedy#leon kennedy smut#leon kennedy#leon kennedy x reader#leon s kennedy smut#leon s kennedy x reader#leon kennedy angst#leon s kennedy angst#re4 leon#my mind palace is a haunted house#tw suicidal ideation#tw suicidal thoughts#fics#miss oranje fics
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it's okay to be sad. đ
#tw suicidal thoughts#i should really start an art tag#the hunger games#peeta mellark#toast babies#everlark#hey everlarkshipper#this is what you meant right#right#I imagine that when Peeta feels particularly guilty/slips into a minor relapse/has an outburst (VERY normal for PTSD)#he retreats into their bedroom and locks the door.#Partly because he doesn't trust himself not to hurt his precious family (he wouldn't#ever)#and partly to punish himself.#This consists of hammering his head against things to have some painful distraction#and to reprimand himself. He copes how he can.#These episodes are few and far between#but when they do happen#he consistently has a very stubborn very chatty visitor on the outside of the door.#She doesn't see him as a monster#She sees him as her dad#who would never hurt her#who just has to hide sometimes
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a reminder for anyone feeling suicidal or in a really bad mental state after this election, please donât just stay home doomscrolling. either go to work or school or wherever or stay home and turn EVERYTHING off. you should try to be around other people but if you donât have anyone you can trust at school or work and you need a second for yourself, take it. however, donât spend the whole day doomscrolling or sitting with your own thoughts. go outside, read a book and seriously take care of yourselves.
remember there are hotlines you can call and people you can talk to
stay safe out there
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Abuse (?) , suicidal thoughts //
I'm honestly have no idea if I suffered from abuse or being mistreated and that led me to have several mental disorders. I've recently got âdiagnosedâ with PTSD. But when I say âdiagnosedâ it means I'm not entirely sure since my doctor is always vague with his diagnosis.ïżŒïżŒ
If u happen to know any good resources abt abuse, c-PTSD, PTSD, or depression, plz let me know in the commentsđ„Č
What led me to have c-PTSD/PTSD:
Firstly, you need to know they have OCD and Bipolar disorder and experienced bullying so I think you need to have the context that theyâre not exactly mentally well too.
Well, I met the one of my former moot online one day, because I was desperate of entering the animation industry as a color designer and they were one of the Japanese artists who works from home. I thought it might be a good opportunity to ask them about stuff. After that, we became moots.
One day, I decided to ask them if I could use their line art to color design and put in my portfolio. They had their restrictions like âDonât make my OC in to a Black characterâ I was a little bummed about that request, feeling that feels a little bit anti-black, but they said yes, so I decided to work. And I told them, âItâs really hard, because the colors youâve chosen is already goodâ and they replied, âWell, if you just use my colors, it will just fan art. Go find someone elseâ.
I accepted that request and the project was cancelled.
Before that, weâve had a conversation, that I donât really like the term âYuriâ to express wlw, so I suggested them to call it Sapphic instead. They declined so I decided to respect their wishes. But told them that âWell, please know that at least I triedâ. And we also had a conversation about Disney styles. People always think I have a Disney style, and they on the other hand, have a completely different art style. More like a anime style for kids. So I told them, if you need any help with Disney style in your portfolio, I could help. Because I thought I could show my gratitude for being kind to me.
After that, Iâve saw their tweet saying, âWhen Marnie Was There is so yuriâ. I was stunned because it was a ship between a grandmother and granddaughter. It was an incest ship.
After that, they also tweeted that âLumity is yuriâ and to be honest, I was at my limit so I tweeted, âI donât think the term yuri is suitable for Lumity. You could call it wlw, GL, or Sapphic insteadâ. And oh, they went mad.
They told me, how yuri is not a bad or dirty term, and was so angry at me. I told them, we should end this conversation because we wonât agree on each other. The next day, I decided to soft block them. Only to find out theyâve blocked me on multiple accounts and theyâve spread a misinformation about me that âShe said she hate yuriâ.
Not only it felt like misgendering (because they kept using she/her and not they/them or ros/rose my other pronouns at that time), it was completely false information. So I tweeted on my account that âI didnât said I hated yuri. I literally love wlw. I just donât like the termâ and they saw the tweet, deleted it, and tweeted again. And they also accused me that I said they donât have a Disney style and they are hurt by it. I literally didnât said that. I have proof and screenshots of what Iâve said.
What bummed me the most is that they were talking about our conversations we talked through DM. Meaning private.
They also said, that âAm I anti-black for saying that I donât allow my OCs of not being colored darker?â Leaving the context completely that they specifically said that they donât want their characters Black.
So a lot of people started to get angry at me, saying Iâm childish or an asshole. A lot of people speculated by their tweets that I was a foreigner trying to gain control of a Japanese person with their terms when Iâm Japanese myself. The person who accused me all of this, kept misgendering me so their followers did too.
I decided to just leave them. But I couldnât get them off my head. One day, Iâve decided to visit their account on my alt account because I wanted to take a screenshot of their tweets bad mouthing me. And I saw their tweets accusing me that Iâve been kept falsely accusing them and harassing them for months so theyâve took the screenshots of my tweets and went to the police and the lawyer. I got very scared.
Ever since, Iâm so scared of them, avoiding anything that reminds me of them (words, my attendance record for work, names, characters, movies etc), and keep having flashbacks of that incident.
My memories of what I exactly tweeted abt them is so blurry, so I might be wrong, but I think I tried to warn ppl that they ship incest ships and that they are a proshipper. And the way that they said that they don't allow their characters to be colored dark skinned only slightly tanned and not Black feels a bit anti-Black. And I think they took as me trying to harrass them or defame them or spreading false info bc they thought Iâve worded differently
And thatâs the entire story I guess.
Whatâs my âabuseâ?
So my abuse⊠starts w my mom⊠she doesnât speak English but she always wanted to and pushed my dreams on me. I grew up learning English w my mom. The shouting got worse when I was in Elementary school. I would get scolded for the smallest things.
Like not remembering the meaning of the word. She would lock herself up in her room and I just cried while Iâll just write her an apology letter. She wouldnât hit me, but sometimes kicked me. She still does when she gets too hot headed.
The second one is my homestay at Australia. I had two host families. I'll get to why later. But my first host family was a grandma. And before my stay, I asked her if she had a wi-fi and she said yes, we weren't allowed to bring out own wi-fi so I was relieved. Until Iâve learned she doesn't.
So I asked her if she could get wi-fi during my stay and she said yes so we went to get a wi-fi unit I've learned she thought I wanted to buy myself my own wi-fi. I was surprised and refused and I left the store.
During my stay, there was a Chinese boy with me. He had his own wi-fi. I could hear him talking to his phone in his room and that made me more lonely. I was crying in my room without no comfort, no internet, no way to contact my mom.
Until I breaked down in front of my host mother and the Chinese boy kindly offered me to share his wi-fi. I happily took the offer. The next day, I was accused by my teachers that I bought a wi-fi and I never left my room.
I was confused, bc I never bought a wi-fi and was in my room just playing w my phone. I was crying in my room. I told them it was all an misunderstanding. I've never bought a wi-fi, I got shared a wi-fi from another boy who's home staying. The teachers were horrified.
Bc it was against the rules. It was supposed to be only one student per home. I was apologized by the misunderstanding but I had to change my host family.
After that, I moved to a different host family. This host family seemed wealthy. They had two kids (both boys) and I had my own place to stay w a wi-fi (finally!) But I had to go and be around w the boy's sports lessons and I was bored.
Although, I had severe social anxiety at that time (without knowing) I tried my best to be present and interact w them. I was pretty happy w my second host family. Until, I was called to a room during my lecture by my teacher.
There was my host mother and his son waiting. I was wondering why I was called out during class. Until I was told by my teachers that my host family told them that I wasn't interacting much as they wish too.
I was humiliated in front of them about my personality and how I should be more extroverted for my own sake. I remember crying and said âBut this is just who I amâŠâ
After that incident, I asked my host family if I'm able to visit the medival inspired castle. They told me if I want to go there, I need to pay everything including their fees. I was shocked and took down my offer.
During my stay of my second host family, I had to come to the school an hour early due to their work schedule. So I had an hour to myself nothing to do. My friends wonât come soon so I just decided to use my phone which was against the rules.
Eventually, I've got caught and my phone was taken away. My only comfort, my only way to contact my family and online friends. Even though there were students using their phones during the class.
Of course, I was scolded by it and cried. I haven't got my phone back until my last day of my stay. Eventually, I got a cold and I my throat hurt I couldn't speak. It was my worst stay ever. And that's the end of the story I guess.
Whatâs my suspicion with depression?
My mom asked if Iâm happen to be depressed bc my shopping addiction got worse and I honestly donât know. Iâm being suspecting if I have one for months. But itâs not the same as the early symptoms(crying and having diarrhea every day) Iâve experienced during college so Iâm not sure.
I just feel less joy w my hobbies like drawing or reading. I havenât finished an actual book for monthsâŠ
Sometimes when I look at the knife I just think and wonder if I wanna cut myself or stab myself⊠but I wonder itâs bc of my OCD or depression. I honestly have no idea.
I asked my doctor months ago and he was like âWell you might beâ. He doesn't diagnose me specifically. So I'm still confused whether if my lack of joy on drawing and reading is due to depression and I just happen to get my shit together bc I already take antidepressants bc of my OCD.ïżŒïżŒïżŒïżŒïżŒïżŒïżŒïżŒïżŒïżŒïżŒ
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holy fuck what is the fucking point anymore truly.
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