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lonleygirld · 6 years

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The 13th. (The Incident.)

thematureapprentice / August 12, 2018 / Rewrite

Of all days has anyone really took the time to notice that this all began on FRIDAY the 13th!

13/07/2018

It started of a normal day at work right, that’s how these things always start off. Until I come home and had a shower, my usual daily routine. But as I was getting dressed I had a knock on my door, so I am like half-dressed and decided to peek out my window to see how important this person is or if I even needed to bother with the rest of my clothes.

As soon as I did I saw a cop car straight out my window on the road, I then looked towards my front door and there they were just standing there. FUCK my anxiety was going through the roof like, I know I haven’t done anything illegal, that I know of, might have speeded home a few times haha. But seriously I was just getting so over worked! I was then standing behind the same door they were. Then it hit me is my Mum and Dad okay?! They just recently left for over seas. WAIT is my baby sister OKAY?! Yeah I was stressing ten fold, so I wrapped my towel around me and opened the door. Peaked my head past my screen door and was like “Hi” in the most little baby voice ever. I was like “sorry I JUST got out of the shower”.... maybe 3 mins ago but it was close enough.

Standing at door holding the screen open my dog was trying to break through between my legs and I could feel that they were getting iffy about my dog. Which I was starting to get scared of, that my dog would soon push through and get out the front and they would shoot my dog right in front of me. FUCK I was stressing even more, my heart was racing I just didn’t know how to handle any of this. Every time I have handled anything with the law I have been warned or have called them myself so I’ve always been ready for it. This just fucking blew me away.

I was squeezing my thighs so tight around my dog, so that she wouldn’t get passed and I could feel that my towel was just about to fall off if she kept it up. Soon enough they finally asked me if I knew of a Blake. I’m like “sorry WHO?”. They replied with, “Do you happen to know a “Blake James””. I told them I didn’t because well I don’t know one. They asked me how long I have lived at this house and I replied and then they said thank you and left. That was the end of that, they just left? Like OKAY?

I was meant to go get a hair cut that afternoon, but there was no way I was going to leave the house after that. I instantly sat down on the floor and started crying, my house mate then came out of her room and was like “WTF was that about?”. I blubbered so much to her about how I thought one or both my parents were dead or hurt or my baby sister was in trouble and all the horrible things I thought. She sat with me for about an hour and made sure I was okay and reassured me that didn’t happen and that my family are fine and okay and who ever this Blake person was would not hurt us.

We left the house that night.

We ended up in some scabby hotel and used the rest of the money we had for the week to get the FUCK out of there. Which was kind of nice, but I missed my dog. I was so scared for her life, she’s like my everything, she had been there for me through so many of my depression modes, I wouldn’t have handled anything bad ever happening to her. I just wanted to cuddle in my own bed with her knowing she was okay. But my housemate assured me she would be fine. So we watched movies all night and talked about everything even things that I have never told people before.

Blake James….

It’s not the first time I have heard that name. I don’t know who she or he is, I don’t know where they’re from, I don’t know what they want. But that was not the first time I have heard that name. I guess if someone wanted to ever know more about that, they know where I am.

The weekend went on, my best mates sister was in the big smoke so I had to go catch up with her. Which was great and not so great, I got so drunk because of everything that happened and then I took drugs for the first time. Like you have no idea how much this rattled me. I am so ashamed I did that, so ashamed of saying yes to drugs, to drowning myself in alcohol. But I did it and it was a peaceful and nice weekend and it really made me feel okay for a whole 48 hours. I stayed at my mates house all weekend. Rode myself home the Sunday night as late as I could and crawled straight into bed.

I can’t believe I did drugs, I took a random tablet from a random person in a crazy environment and did that to myself. I won’t ever again. I just can’t even explain it and there’s no excuse I can think of to make that okay.

I got a text on Sunday the 15th, from an online texting company. It sent me a link. I left it alone I didn’t trust it at first. Eventually I was like fuck it what could it do break my phone, I don’t need that anyways. It was an account that had my commissions used as “their own”. I sent that to my house mate and she was like wow you’re so popular that people want to steal your art. About an hour later I got a message from her again about who she thinks my commissions were based off and said I should say something. So I did. This girl didn’t really care much about it from the way her response came up and told me to leave her alone. Which I was happy to do so.

I got another one from the same online company, about a Blake and well this girl, who out of respect I shall keep unnamed. Apparently stealing my photos and shit and using my drawing and whatever else. I didn’t care about my drawings cause well they were mostly ones I did as commissions and got paid for too and they were of her and all her beauty. But the videos and pictures of my things, my home, my dog, that was it for me.

I was freaked the fuck out and I forwarded it to my house mate who was also as distraught as me. Like what the actual fuck, she’s a hoot though and to cheer me up replied with a snap of her searching the house for cameras and bugs. Which honestly I thought about haha but she’s such a fucking cute shit that it was great. She said she would get work off and be home when I got home if I needed or to come home now that work would understand if I couldn’t be there. Which I couldn’t! It was killing me, like why me, why was my shit being taken, why was this happening now when I was getting my life together finally.

My house mate then went out of her way and behind my back and messaged this girl on insta, not only did she get a message but so many abusing messages went to this other account. I don’t even know if it is still active, we tried to get them all closed down as they are all my photos, SOME ARE OF ME CROPPED. Like the fuck. Instantly this girl contacted me.

We had a chat after I finished work, which was odd and I still don’t think I handled it very well, I was very anxious and nervous and scared. Like I did not know what to expect from it or her. I don’t know her from a bar of soap, I don’t even use bar soap haha. But fuck was she quick to judge me. Pin everything on me, say I’m the one because I sounded like someone. The fuck is that twisted shit. I thought she was some crazy bitch to start off with but at least I was being understanding of both our situations and apologised for assuming that. But nah man she was determined in her stubborn mind that it was all me or some sort of shit.

Anyways. Like I told her. I am proud to be me, as much as I am depressed and unhappy with my body or my life. I would not trade my gender or myself for any fake person. If I was interested in her as a man I would have had a sex change when I thought that was my answer YEARS ago. But it is not. I do not want to be a guy or have the time, energy or commitment in my crazy life to even pretend to be one for how ever long. This isn’t the first time I have been accused of this sort of thing either. Plus I have had “catfish” happen to me and it’s a night mare and wouldn’t wish it on any soul.

She again wanted to have nothing to do with me after that which is okay and I do respect that but I guess I find that it sucks you know. Like if you know all these random things about me, if you do! IF! I mean I don’t even know what you know. But like wouldn’t you want to know more, instead of pushing it all away. I mean I get it push it away, block the profile, delete whatever. But girl it’s part of you now, you know all this shit about a random and you’re not the least curious. I hate knowing you know where I live, about my dog, about where I work and about my best friend (who also feels violated). Which I’m sure people in your life do too.

But at least people on my end are willing to meet up in real life and talk about this and maybe make a bad situation a good one.

I told her all this….

I told her how I felt about it, how I feel like we could maybe have something. I can always use more friends. I’m not asking her to text me every minute or call me every day. I’m just asking to know you, like you may know me. To be honest I said to my partner when I got some of the commissions on you, that you are sexy and if I dated a girl it would have to be as someone as beautiful as that. Creepy I know, but I mean we are human and we find people attractive and whatever I do think you are beautiful.

Again she said she wanted nothing to do with me and that is okay, it has been okay, I have left it alone and have tried to move on with my life-like everyone else is doing. I broke up with my partner, who apparently is already dating. My house mate moved out she was way to freaked out and didn’t want to stay in the house anymore. Which I understand and I would love to do the same thing. But I just don’t know where I am right now in my life since all this bullshit and it sucks.

I feel so alone, I could really just use a friend. But I guess I don’t really deserve that? I don’t know I don’t think highly of myself so it doesn’t really matter really. I’ll get by fine. I did it for 10 years, I’ll do it another 10.

I wrote all this before heading out to go hang with my cousin and her baby tonight. Am I wrong to feel this way. Am I wrong to feel like maybe I got robbed of knowing someone who could of been amazing. Am I wrong to feel so betrayed and violated by my ex partner. Do I even have the right to feel this way and think I deserve to know someone who apparently has items in my house?

I don’t know what my feelings are anymore. I’m going to concentrate on myself for the rest of the year, or at least try to, before I force myself into the ground. Maybe I should venture out more, put myself emotionally out there more, or even sexually. Maybe if I just stop putting walls up someone will like me. Someone would talk with me, or be my friend.

LOL

I’m pathetic and this month passed has really messed with me. I. Don’t. Know. Whatever, no ones reading these blogs anyways. I guess my next blog will be about the talk my ex and I had after this all went down. Maybe.

Peace.

P.S. My mum has asked about you nearly every day this week, it’s clear that she cares about you and that breaks my heart. I will never forgive him for this and I hope for her sake she forgets about you. She knows quiet a bit about you, which shook me, apparently my ex has talked a lot about you to her and we both have been crying for the past hour. But, everything will be fine xx

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