#TOP tier menace status i love him

[thatfanfictionchick]

Ugly sobbing about how when this game dropped I was warding Alfons away for being too much freak and now I'm frothing at the mouth chewing at the bars begging for his route to reach us already 😭

[cheelduh]

How to get Hit-listed by a Stonehide Lawachurl (High School AU!)

Part 6 of the highschool au

Parts: 1 2 3 4 5

Pairing: Childe x fem!reader

Synopsis: Childe’s a menace to everyone when playing dodgeball. Even as his new girlfriend, you’re no exception to his affinity for raising hell during the most tranquil of circumstances.

Warnings: Swearing, bad humor, and absolutely horrid spelling mistakes.

Words: 5.3k

Note: Longest chapter yet sheeeesh 🗿

Negotiation is an art.

Childe, or "Tartaglia" has utilized the art of negotiations in his daily life. Whether that be scamming the ninth graders with fake weed, or convincing the teachers why he doesn't deserve detention for injecting random fluids from the chem department into the school's resident pet frog.

All in all, by becoming an expert in the field of negotiations, Childe is nothing if not a master, tongue silver and smooth as he takes on a new opponent.

Which is why he dutifully negotiates with you on this Monday morning in front of the History classroom, getting down on one knee and pulling out a—

"I hope to Barbatos you aren't proposing Childe," You hiss, panicked eyes landing on the velvet box he's pulling out. "Considering that we're sixteen and still in highschool."

As if remembering those meagre details, Childe gulps and shoves the box back into his pocket. "Uhhh yeah, I was just, tying my shoelaces?" It comes out as a question.

You let out a sigh of relief, overlooking how he undoes his shoe laces just to do them all over again.

The ring burns in his pocket as he gets back up.

"Why did you call me here?" You ask, hand on your hip, foot impatiently tapping. The tap tap tap isn't because of impatience though, it's because you need something to cover the nervous palpitations of your heart.

He gives you a vicious smile, sinister enough to shake the bones of anyone who's observing, opens his daring mouth to show the imaginary sharpness of his teeth. Then with the confidence of about a hundred shirtless tiktok boys, he finally demands:

"If you don't become my girlfriend, I will kill—"

"Yeah sure thing." You answer before he can finish, soft smile growing.

Childe chuckles evilly, "I knew you'd say that, but I've come prep—wait a minute." He snaps out of his villain origin phase, stumbles back a bit, then his eyebrows are furrowing in confusion. "Did you just say yes?"

You nod, cheeks flaring up. "Don't make me repeat it." Then you look away, too embarrassed to see his reaction.

For a second, Childe's internal conflict following the chain of this event causes him to temporarily malfunction, and all he can do it stare at you in amazement.

It's only when you tell him to stop staring and jump off the school roof is when he snaps out of his daze, a grin festering on his face.

He lunges straight at you, giving you no time to deflect him as he wraps his bone crushing arms around you, then lands a soft smooch on your forehead.

"Let go of me you idiot!" You barely wheeze out, light headed not only because of your lungs being squeezed like oranges, but also because of the sloppy kiss he's delivered so ungracefully.

He does so reluctantly, and you're unamused, wiping the stickiness off your forehead with a sleeve as he steps back.

"Ew what the fuck?" You say, glaring at him. "What's wrong with you?"

He completely ignores you, giddy with excitement. "Ah girly, you have no idea how long I've wanted to do that. I can't wait to introduce you to my parents and eat lunch together and kiss each other during break—"

"Slow down." You tell him, as red as a tomato towards all his suggestions. "We've barely started dating."

"Oh," Childe stops momentarily, then nods in agreement. "You're right. We should start small. How about I walk you to class?"

"We're already in front of class." You nudge your head towards the classroom, and catch Zhongli and Venti peeking from the side of the door, trying not to be obvious.

You narrow your eyes at them threateningly.

Childe tugs your arm, lovingly looking you up and down. "Let's walk to class together anyways. In a circle."

A complete waste of time, yet it's impossible to say no to the face he's making.

Before you guys depart he suddenly stops, gasping loudly, remembers something important. "I have to make a quick phone call."

Childe speed dials Scaramouche, and the latter picks up annoyed, answers the phone with muffled sounds in the back. Something that sounds a bit like pleading and whimpering.

He then mutters something that forces dread into your system. "You can release the hostages."

You hear Scaramouche groan on the other end, muttering a "such a pain in my ass", but choose not to question it immediately.

As soon as the phone call is done and you're back by his side, you point at his phone questioningly. "What hostages Childe?"

He gives you a close eyed smile, taking the fifth.

"What hostages Childe?" You repeat again weakly.

—

First period goes by smoothly for the most part. Lisa, your so called best friend, once again is bought off like a corrupted politician by your new boyfriend. She sits far away from you, leaving you without any defences against the menace that dotes on you a bit too much.

Throughout class, all Childe does is score Venti's colourful pens, and then writes you annoying little love notes, using the expert origami skills he's learnt from Anthon to deliver them to you.

Despite the threat of distraction these notes pose, the corners of your lips can't help but tug upwards at his enthusiasm and attempt at poetry.

Zhongli makes sure not to ask you two any questions the entire class, leaving you to your own accord.

Lunch comes around soon enough, and your usual table of Diluc, Jean, Kazuha, and Lisa is disturbed by the torpedo that is Childe, and he brings collateral with him.

Kaeya whole-heartedly ceases the opportunity to sit near his stoic statue of a brother purely with the intention to annoy the premature crap out of him, but one look from the redhead sends the chicken-shit right back where he came from.

When Childe forcefu—lovingly feeds you the smiley fries and dinosaur nuggets his stunning mom packed him, Diluc looks just about ready to hurl.

Lisa winks at you two, Kazuha doesn't even bother looking, and Jean tries with upmost effort to keep Diluc from launching himself at the whipped fatui boy basking in your attention.

"Quit embarrassing me." You whisper-exclaim sharply, noticing how Jean passes Diluc—all green in the face, a puke bag discreetly. "Shouldn't you be doing something illegal right now? Or vaping in the stalls?"

"I quit vaping for you girlie." Childe boops your nose with his finger. "Well, at least full time. I still need a puff when I'm around Signora, to like, get rid of her awful vibes."

While it is endearing how he quit vaping for you, it doesn't lessen the need for you to bury yourself alive right here and now.

Then you sigh, pick up a Dino nuggie, and shove it in his mouth, the tip of his tongue flicking your finger. You die inside.

"There, you happy?" The action of feeding him is so...intimate, it sets your heart aflame.

Childe's a lovesick puppy when he chews, imaginary tail wagging a hundred times a second. "Can I have a kiss too?"

Diluc slams his hands on the table and stands up, hurriedly picks up his grape juice and makes a break for it. You don't blame him.

"I'll kill you." You smack him with a napkin, blazing red. "I'll end your pathetic little life right here and now."

By the end of lunch, Lisa and Jean have to restrain you so you don't break the world record for the maximum amount of mutilations that can be done on a single body.

Fourth period is a break. A break from Childe you mean. It's expected of the school's resident bad boy aka menace to skip classes in order to skip over the bodies of his victims.

You bask in the momentary peace, until it's disrupted by a tap on the window. Reckon it's nothing, maybe a bird flew into it, because intentional taps are impossible from the third floor. Except your conviction is hindered yet again by another tap.

What a nuisance.

You finally turn to look outside the window, face down, and spot Childe waving incessantly, rocks in hand, oozing with excitement that can't be concealed and a grin that nearly takes you into cardiac arrest. Without meaning to, you send him a small smile, waving back as Baal drones on about quantum superposition.

Successful in gaining your attention, he moves aside to reveal the hefty corpse of a stonehide lawachurl with a destructive path in its wake. The ridges and bumps of its hide are enough to do a number on the road, ruining the school's playing field.

Your smile drops down into a horrified frown in the span of a few seconds.

"Wow." Albedo, your lab partner whispers from next to you, for the first time distracted in class.

"Yeah," Kaeya whistles from behind you two, one hand supporting his head. "What a gesture."

"Y/N, I'd be grateful if you could possibly obtain a black crystal horn for me from the specimen." The blonde asks, entranced by the corpse that your boyfriend is flaunting off to you with pride.

"Aren't those things endangered cutie?" Lisa makes sure to butt in, as per usual.

Yes. Your boyfriend with several issues and an affinity for chaos brought you the corpse of an endangered geo-infused creature that's five times the size of him. During school hours too, the fiend. Like a cat dragging the corpse of a dead mouse to its owner.

You groan into your hands, heart racing while the fire is coursing through your veins.

That idiot.

—

Childe is exceptional at a lot of things, like the switch and making weapons out of seemingly harmless things (e.g shiv out of a toothbrush), but what he prides in the most is physical education. With washboard abs, uber tall height, and a dickish smile to top it all, he has everything it takes to showcase his top tier athletic abilities.

He pounces at the opportunity to show off in front of you, wanting nothing more than to have you fawn over his strength. He's sure it'll be enough to have you all over him, wrapping your cute little arms around his muscled ones, passing him his water bottle and dabbing away at the sweat on his forehead. Most of all, he daydreams you planting your soft lips on his to congratulate him after a big game.

Physical education, for you, is a pain. You may be good with your brain, but games exert more energy than necessary, and coordination that lacks logic entirely. You're just here for the credit. The over-achiever part of you walks the extra mile to ensure a grade in the high nineties.

Although witnessing Childe clad in the school shorts and matching polo shirt is enough to make this worth your while, you'll die before admitting it. Especially when he gawks at you as if it's the first time you're wearing the sports uniform yourself. It has you fidgeting with your fingers and tugging your shorts down nervously.

You try not to flip him off like you usually do, especially since it's not even been twenty four hours since he's asked you out.

Mr.Zhongli blows a whistle, calling all the students over to surround him. It's odd that he teaches most of the subjects at this school, seemingly the only adult present, but no one questions it in fear of genshin logic. Moving on, he explains that you have a dodge ball game today.

Lisa groans beside you. She hates anything that requires the exertion of energy, oftentimes bringing a book to read while everyone else screams in the background.

You're relieved, mainly because Childe and Tohma are usually captains, and Childe always picks you to be on his team as a means to flex his skills. For you, it means sitting back and watching him carry your team towards a straight A.

However, all your dreams are crushed when Zhongli announces the team leaders.

"Y/N, I trust that you'll lead the blue team to the upmost of your ability. Childe, prepare to lead the opposing red team."

Your knees shake as you stare at him in disbelief. "But Sir—"

"No buts Y/N." He scolds you lightly, checking off your names on the clip board. "I'd like to witness your exceptional leadership skills."

In reality, Zhongli just wants to reenact a lovers-on-opposing sides trope, wanting to see how the two of you crack under the pressure. In a way, it is an exercise of leadership.

Instead of picking teams, Zhongli assigns teams for the both of you according to his own judgement, trying to make it as fair as possible.

Lisa pats your back after your teammates are assigned, trying to cheer you up. "It's going to be okay. You guys are dating now, so he'll go easy on you."

You look up to meet Childe's eyes from across the court. He gives you a charming smile, which turns downright barbaric as he lifts up a thumb and motions to slash his neck with it. Then he wickedly mouths "I'm going to destroy you."

You blink and turn away as fast as you can in fear. "We're fucked."

Lisa, witnessing the entire ordeal nods alongside you, doing nothing to reassure you because she herself has given up.

Suddenly a hand lands on your shoulder gripping you tightly. "Let's wipe the floor with that g*nger." The voice is ice cold, threatening enough to send a shiver down your bones.

You turn to meet Rosaria, who frowns at you. Most of the time she doesn't really put an effort in dodgeball, but she must've seen your crestfallen expression, trying to comfort you in her own detached way.

Rosaria is the other school nurse in training, alongside Barbara, but somehow her patients end up more injured, sick, or mentally defiled than before they entered the room. She also spends after hours beating up Chads in the school parking lot. Also runs a blog with her booby co-author Kaeya that emphasizes mostly on the dark knight hero.

Spotting the rest of your team behind her, you begin to criticize them one by one.

Standing against the wall is Kaeya, pushing both his biddies up with his crossed arms like an absolute whore. He's breaking about several dress code rules right now. Venti is next to him, drunk off his butt as he beat boxes with Tohma.

Eula mutters under her breath, on and on about seeking revenge on Zhongli for putting her beloved Amber on the opposing team, promising him an unfortunate fate. Xiao is miserably squatting on the floor, sharp eyes observing everyone in the gym, scowl not ready to dissipate anytime soon.

Then you look over at Childe's team in the distance. Jean with a determined look on her face as she listens to Childe's game plan, and Diluc crossing his arms with his brows furrowed in concentration. Even Amber, the best baller in the school, is stretching out her arms, assisted by the gifted princess of the school, Ayaka.

Not only that, but Childe has the king of dodging on his team—Kaedehara goddamn Kazuha. Beidou shoots you a wicked smirk, winking at you until she's disrupted by Ningguang's shove.

"Oh my god." You cry out when the realization hits you, falling to your knees in despair. "We're completely fucked!"

"No we aren't." Rosaria mutters lowly. "You're only fucked if you want to be. Don't you dare throw in the towel before the fight has even begun."

"But I—"

"Stop it." She grumbles again, rolling her eyes. "You're being annoying now. If you lose the game, that makes him the dom. Don't you want to be the dom?"

She's right. You do want to be the dom.

Her words of encouragement, and not at all veiled insults somehow allow you to find motivation deep within yourself. You get up and stomp towards the rest of your team, calling their attention with your newfound confidence.

"Listen here soldiers!" You shout out, determination clear as day. "I know I am not capable of leading. I know that I barely have the physical capabilities needed to defeat the opposite team."

You take a deep breath, pointing at your cutie patootie boyfriend across the gym as you seethe. "But that man, that harbinger of chaos, that instrument of war, is nothing but a tyrant. And I cannot let such a tyrant be a victor in this battle. Not when innocent lives are at stake."

Tohma speaks up, sending you a bewildered look. "What lives—"

"Shut the fuck up soldier!"

"Yessir!" He immediately stiffens, saluting you.

"Are you ready soldiers?" Your voice booms, and everyone reinforces their priorities, except for Kaeya though. He just lazily smirks.

After Zhongli places the balls in the middle, everyone prepares for the battle of the century.

'Gods, please let us win this war' you pray to the archons above, closing your eyes in concentration.

'Give me the strength to flex my superior skills' Childe wishes, then adds on quickly 'also I want to dominate this world.'

'Give me the strength to make it to Friday.' Rosaria prays for nobody but herself, rolls her eyes at all the unnecessary dramatics of this dodgeball game.

"3..." "2..." "1..."

Zhongli ends the countdown by blowing hard into a whistle, signaling the beginning of the game.

Not even two seconds later a ball whooshes past a few of you at the speed of light, followed by a tail of fire. The ball of death kisses Kaeya square in the nose, sending him reeling back into a wall with enough sheer force to cause an indent.

Everyone winces.

Before you all can reel in from the initial shock and make sense out of wherever the hell that asteroid came from, Zhongli's voice booms throughout the gymnasium.

"Mr. Ragnvindr, headshots are strictly forbidden. You are out!"

With a scoff, Diluc, satisfied with his work, leaves the court with no apparent qualms. He accepts his defeat with the upturned corners of his lips.

Rosaria pokes Kaeya's body with the tip of her heels, then cringes when he shakes awake, up from his short lived knockout and sends a wink her way.

"Getting handsy when I'm unconscious? I didn't think you'd be one to partake in such vulgar activities." His eye twinkles in mischief, and if his momentary defeat at the hands of brother has him fuming, he doesn't show it one bit.

The only thing that keeps Rosaria from knocking him out for real is the blood that trails down onto his lip. She doesn't want to clean blood off her shoes, especially since it's a pain in the ass to get off.

You're about to tell them to get up and take this seriously, but a softball does your job for you when it darts straight at Rosaria. With pristine accuracy, the girl manages to pitch herself away last minute.

You swivel in Childe's direction, who wears a remorseless grin, which only grows wider once you pick up a blue softball next to your feet.

The glare that he receives has him shaking in exhilaration. More so than the elation he'd felt when he took down that Stonehide Lawachurl for you, as a gift of promise.

You begin to bark out orders. "Eula, Xiao, and Rosaria cover the front and act as decoys."

They nod immediately, but Xiao still clicks his tongue in distaste as he starts following orders.

Then you offer Kaeya a hand. "Get up princess. You're on sniper duty."

With Diluc out of commission, the battle is fair and square now considering both sides have the same amount of people. Ergo, no one's at a disadvantage.

That is—until Lisa fake trips over pure air, landing on the floor in a dramatic slow motion.

You roll your eyes.

"Oh dear! I think I've twisted something." She cries out, crawling away from the battle field, acting as if she's paralyzed completely. "Don't worry about me. I'll cheer you on from afar. The battle has begun, and it seems as if I've become the first casualty."

You don't let the countless amount of Lisa's betrayals get to you, even this one. It's just her personality to flake out on anything and everything that requires her to do more than below the bare minimum.

Focusing on the match, your eyes are only on Childe, just as his are on you.

You aim the ball straight at his ribs, step back a bit, then propel the ball in the air with as much energy as you can, using your entire body as a power outlet. The ball spins in the air, reaching the awaiting victim.

Childe, unbothered, dodges the ball with perfect precision, the ball not even grazing his clothes at the least.

Your jaw drops open, and you're about to move for another ball until he grabs the same ball you threw at him. With the sharpness of a predator locking in on its pray, he focuses on you like a missile locks on its target, launching the ball in the air for power that has you trembling, second to the powerful ball that was thrown by Diluc.

With your pupils dilated at your impeding doom, it's Xiao that grabs you and thrusts away.

The ball lands on the floor, smoke rising.

"Holy shit!" You shriek over everyone else's grunts and shuffles. "Are you trying to kill me?"

"Isn't it poetic?" Childe shouts back while he slides away from the balls being thrown. "Lover against lover. Either you're by my side, or in my way. And right now, you're in my way." He narrows his eyes dangerously. "Albeit reluctantly, I will take the victory babe. Even if we are on opposing sides."

"There was zero reluctance in that throw asshole!"

You thank Xiao, who wipes his hands on his pants in disgust. "Filthy humans. So pathetic and weak."

Mildly offended, you roll your sleeves up and begin to fight with everything you've got as soon as he walks away.

The dodgeball game goes as expected for the most part, Eula carrying for most of it with the flow of her skills.

Tohma actually tries like the presumptuous asshole he is, aims straight for his girlfriend Ayaka, and takes her out completely. His only justification for that is "I ain't no simp!"

He shelves his cocky attitude when facing Childe with a sense of dignity and prestige you didn't think he had in him.

The two one of a kind fuckbois puff out their chests so that they look more hefty than they are, having some kind of an Alpha match. The 'me stronger than you. me dominant. me get all the women' type beat.

Unfortunately, Childe manages to fence him with his throws, and lo and behold, the square off ends with a dejected Tohma dragging his feet to the nearest bench.

Eula oversees that Ningguang and Beidou meet a quick end, taking their slower dodging to her advantage. You're actually rooting for her, tasting a sliver of victory that you haven't reached yet. So close, yet so far.

Amber trips on herself in the middle of throwing a what should've been coordinated ball, and it loses most of its momentum. Xiao is directly in front of it, and will probably be able to catch it with ease.

Ah, another short victory.

If Childe loses his expert baller, he's only left with Kazuha and Jean, whom's lack in the art of throwing is made up by their ability to dodge most of the fastballs.

However, all your plans and hopes are crushed when Eula slides in front of Xiao last minute, sticks out her foot, and let's the pathetic product of Amber's would-be downfall hit her on the leg with the total force of about 0.0000001 newtons.

Your chances of winning have just went down by a staggering 60%.

"Eula!" You cry out, collapsing on the ground. "How could you?"

Tohma cups his mouth and bellows obnoxiously from the bench. "SIMP!"

"I cannot avenge my clan if I win a false victory." Eula crosses her arms, casting her gaze down in visible uncomfortableness. "Amber will pay her dues in two business days. Mark my words."

It all a load of cap. She's sleeping with the enemy and you know it.

You grit your teeth. Fuming with an abundance of rage, you pick up three balls and throw them all back to back, taking out Amber and Kazuha simultaneously.

Childe's heart flutters in another kind of delight when you pluck out his team members one by one with no hints of remorse.

In retaliation, Jean and Childe work in sync to swiftly take care of a distracted Rosaria.

"Shit." You hiss underneath your breath.

It's Venti, Kaeya, Xiao, and you who are the only remainders of your short-lived team. It's still two more people than Childe and Jean, giving you the upper hand briefly.

It's a mystery to everyone how Venti is still standing. You reckoned you would've lost him as collateral during the beginning of the match, but it seems he's able to hold his own.

When you squint hard enough, you realize that Xiao has been t-posing in front of the nonchalant SoundCloud rapper that's about as high as a kite. He must've been defending him throughout the entire round.

His defenses are all in vain once Childe correlates another attack with Jean, sharp-shooting four rapid balls that are secured on their targets.

Xiao swerves to the side, avoiding most of them, until one is about to reach a nonchalant as shit Venti.

You scream at him, eyes widening as you run towards them in slow motion. "NOoOoOOOo-"

The yaksha doesn't waste a moment, shifting so that he's covering Venti's body with his own, which to be honest is a pretty heartwarming sight.

The ball hits his lean back, a sharp thud following when it hits the floor.

Xiao is out. But his sacrifice is so inspiring that it brings tears to Zhongli's eyes, makes everyone in the gym go silent in awe.

Even the sadistic Childe melts, cerulean eyes gaining back their light, halting his fire.

When Xiao finally uncovers Venti's body, he speaks from the bottom of his dead heart. "I'd do anything for you..."

Venti shakes out of his baked state, blinking at him stupidly with a nervous chuckle. "Ehe~? I don't even know who you are."

The entire class sweat drops. Whatever slip of compassion on Childe's face earlier has become nothing but a memory. Even your eyes dim.

The next time Childe aims and locks at Venti, it's not with malicious intent. It's a favour, for you. In a way it adds dimension to who he is and the lengths he's willing to go for you, even at war.

Venti steps away with a bounce in his gait, hands behind his head.

Kaeya and you are the only ones left standing now, and the game becomes too tight knit to tell which side's going to win. It becomes utter chaos, balls being launched every second, stamina slowly decreasing as everyone lurches away from their demise.

As laid-back  and charming as the boy presents himself to be in front of the ladies, he's not very patient when it comes to facing circumstances like these. He's side lined for most of the match, finding it boring. And when Kaeya gets bored, the intensity of the tide changes, and everyone knows they're going to get a run for their money.

Kaeya coasts a hand around your hips, pulls you real close, purposefully leaning his bust into the side your innocent arm.

When Childe's smile drops, and the glint in his eyes reads 'DANGER' in full caps, you know it's time to be properly scared.

Your blood runs cold, mouth opening briefly and then clamping shut immediately.

"I'm so glad to be on your team Y/N. Maybe this'll give us the chance to become...closer." His hot breath fans against your ear, voice loud enough to be heard by onlookers.

Suddenly everything stops, falling into an unsettling silence.

You attempt glance at Childe, being met with a glare that's directed at the Captain of the Skating team. The ball in the orange-haired boy's hand deflates from the sheer intensity of the squeeze.

The tension becomes unreadable. Even Zhongli is caught mid-sip with his tea.

Quickly, you shrug off Kaeya's arm. "Childe, he's just fucking with you—"

Childe cuts you off by hurling a ball with nothing but the objective of cold blooded murder.

Kaeya whizzes past you, successfully ducking to avoid the hit, and his amused laugh rings through your ears. He rolls away from the following attacks, chucking his own series of colourful balls.

The events that unfold are blood-curdling enough to make even Satan boil his pants with diarrhea.

You take the clear opportunity presented by their concurrent dumbassery to take out Jean, the ace of the other team.

Childe's rage blows over when Kaeya eventually loses interest and takes the L, playfully winking at you while walking backwards to the rest of your team.

Now that all the distractions are dealt with, Childe's eyes flicker to you, and you share a murderous glance.

"Finally," He slaps the softball with a free hand, lips thinning into a homicidal smile. "I've been waiting for this. You better not disappoint me."

While Childe may be a violent anarchist who's only aspiration in life is to become a government contracted killer, he's also supposed to be your sweet boyfriend.

Slowly, you inch towards the front. "We don't have to do this Childe. We can coexist peacefully."

"Peace was never an option Y/N." He sighs, cracking his neck. "Besides—how else can I prove myself in your eyes? You may be my greatest weakness, but you are also my greatest adversary."

"I don't know, maybe start with not trying to obliterate me?"

"I'm obliterating you out of respect." He counters with a playful pout.

"Well I'll be paying my respects to your grave!" You lurch ahead into a sudden assault, yeeting as many balls as you can his way.

"That's my girl!" Childe whistles, grin widening psychotically when he goes all out, leaving you with an absence in favorable openings.

Out of nowhere, the fire alarms start going haywire, along with a beep in the PA system, which stops you two in your tracks.

A panicked voice of who you assume to be Yanfei shrieks through the comms. "CODE ORANGE! CODE ORANGE! EVACUATE THE BUILDING, THERE'S A STONEHIDE LAWACHURL ON THE PREMISES."

As if on cue, the ground starts rumbling and a Stonehide Lawachurl bursts through the halls and into the gym, looking around for something. Or rather, someone. It's sharp bumps and ridges make an indent on the floor, cracking it in.

Everyone falls into a state of panic, Zhongli trying his best to evacuate the class from the emergency back door as quickly as possible. "Settle down class, we have to follow protocol."

You, devoid of any emotion or sense of fear, turn to your boyfriend in such a calm manner it strikes an ominous dread in his stomach.

You stare.

Childe stares harder.

“I thought you killed it."

"I did." He retorts slowly, switching to gaze at the raging beast in amazement.

"Then why is it in the school!" You seethe, glaring daggers at his side profile.

Childe chuckles sheepishly, scratches the back of his neck. "I may or may not have stuffed the body in the boys washroom. Y'know, for safe keeping?"

The Lawachurl locks it's gaze on you, the prey, and then roars furiously. Turning into its geo-enhanced state, it begins charging at you with all its might, the target being solely Childe.

Leave it to your boyfriend to get on the hit list of an endangered beast.

"Fear not my vibrant girlfriend. Our first date can be surviving this." Childe cheekily kisses the top of your trembling hand before grasping it tightly and making a run for it.

[nitrateglow]

My god-tier Audrey Hepburn movies

I just realized I’ve technically seen all of Audrey Hepburn’s movies-- or rather, all the movies in which she was given star billing.

So, because I’m bored, here’s a list of my top ten personal favorites of her films. The criteria is simple: 1) she had to have starred in it, so nothing from her pre-Roman Holiday career counts nor does 1989′s Always, and 2) this is based on my level of enjoyment of the movie in question.

1. Wait Until Dark

Wait Until Dark possesses many merits, but Hepburn is one of its key strengths. For me, the most interesting performances are the ones able to balance seemingly opposing elements of the character in question. Here, Hepburn balances vulnerability with inner strength, insecurity and terror with courage, angry frustration with budding confidence. She makes her character seem like such a real, vital presence, like someone you would know. Also, having someone as sweet as Hepburn as the target for the cruel mind games and brutal violence of the villains makes the horror all the more terrifying.

Beyond her performance, this movie feels like it was tailor-designed to appeal to me: an intelligent and formidable villain, the everyday setting juxtaposed with a menacing atmosphere, scary scenes that don’t rely on gore, eccentric criminals, dark humor, a tight script without an ounce of fat on it. But you’ve heard me go on, so I’ll leave it there.

2. Charade

Charade is a prime example of how to mix suspense and comedy. The mystery at the heart of the movie is very clever, with twists and turns every other moment, constantly keeping the audience on their toes. Best of all, the film holds up after repeat viewings because of the delicious chemistry between Hepburn and Cary Grant, and the witty screenplay, which has such an elegant and tight structure that I seethe with envy as a writer every time I revisit this glorious thriller.

As in Wait Until Dark, Hepburn is concerned for her life as she’s terrorized by criminals, only here, they’re mostly more humorous in nature, sometimes even lovable (except Scobie, he can just jump off a cliff). She mainly gets to exercise her comedic chops, throwing off quips, sarcastic lines, and screwball banter with wonderful finesse. It makes me sad she never made more films with Cary Grant-- the two have a spark that belies the large age gap between them.

3. Roman Holiday

The character-building, naturalistic performances, and humor make Roman Holiday one of the best examples of romantic comedy. The film has both a gentle touch and a grounded maturity that make it more than just a remix of the earlier and quite similar screwball comedy It Happened One Night. To get a bit literary and pretentious, it reminds me a bit of Romeo and Juliet-- not because of the romance, but in how the movie starts as a standard screwball comedy and ends on a lyrical, wistful note you might not have expected.

Even though this was her first lead role in a feature film, I think Hepburn’s performance as Ann remains one of her strongest. Ann feels regal and dignified while also possessing the naivete and restlessness of a teenager on the brink of adulthood. It’s as fabulous a star-establishing movie as anyone could want.

4. How to Steal a Million

How to Steal a Million is pure fun. Not a moment of this caper comedy is to be taken seriously (which makes it the perfect quarantine movie if you need something to de-stress with). I always regard this movie as Charade’s even frothier spiritual successor: both films are playful, stylish, funny, and packed with romantic banter, plot twists, and colorful 1960s fashions. The main difference is that in this one, there’s no mortal threat involved and the humor gets a little more risque though not crass.

Also, how nice is it for Hepburn to be paired with a leading man closer to her age? Peter O’Toole was only three years younger than Hepburn when this was filmed. The two of them have glorious, cute chemistry.

5. The Nun’s Story

I hate the question of “objective best” anything, but if you put a gun to my head, I would say The Nun’s Story is features Hepburn’s most impressive work as an actress. For those who accuse Hepburn of being too affected, of being a mere clothes’ horse, here she is bare-faced, dressed in a nun’s habit, and playing a very reserved character whose dilemmas are largely internal. She plays her character’s spiritual conflict with an understatement that could only be considered skillful.

The film itself will likely be seen as “too slow” by most and there are a few colonial elements towards the Congo section that date it, but the film’s strengths, both from Hepburn’s performance and the mature way it presents its individual versus the system story, give it classic status. Few movies regarding organized religion are this balanced and lacking in propaganda, either for or against it.

6. Breakfast at Tiffany’s

While still Hepburn’s most iconic role, Breakfast at Tiffany’s gets called “overrated” a lot these days and fans of the original Truman Capote novella routinely dog it for making heavy changes to the source material. There’s also the, you know, gross yellowface a la Mickey Rooney that deflates every scene in which he appears. However, is the move bad? NO. It juggles zany comedy, tender romance, and rather heavy drama too well for me to consign it to the “overrated” bin. Blake Edwards was a fine director and this movie is one of his best.

And Hepburn gives a damn good performance as Holly Golightly, even if she is not the character envisioned by Capote. This character could easily be unlikable if played the wrong way-- she’s a “phony,” rather pathetic, and self-loathing despite her wit and charm. But rather than coming off as an unbearable loser, Hepburn’s Holly is a realistic, relatable loser we all love in spite of her own delusions and lashing out. She might even hit too close to home (or maybe that’s just me).

7. Funny Face

Funny Face took a few viewings to grow on me. It was one of the first Hepburn movies I ever saw (that was back in high school) and I was initially excited because it was directed by Stanley Donen who co-directed Singin’ in the Rain with Gene Kelly, a long-time favorite of mine. I expected this movie to be just as sublime and was disappointed when it didn’t hit that high mark.

Rewatching it later, I now find it very charming. It’s incredibly upbeat and relaxing, the sort of old-school movie musical that doesn’t get made anymore. Hepburn’s singing is a bit rough in the bigger numbers, but she is very sweet, a damn good dancer, and quite attractive to the point where she just takes my breath away. Fred Astaire and Kay Thompson are also wonderful and get a lot of great moments that show off their talent.

8. My Fair Lady

When considering what would go on this list, I was honestly shocked to realize how much I like this movie. I’m in the camp that considers Hepburn miscast, I find George Cukor’s direction rather stiff, and I really don’t like how the ending is changed from the original play. In spite of all this, I still really enjoy this movie for the songs, costumes, and what remains of Shaw’s brilliant satire on class and gender relations. Those three hours go by and the movie never outstays its welcome.

While I think Hepburn wasn’t the number one best choice for the part (I don’t really buy her as a crass flower girl in the beginning), she isn’t a disaster by any means. She’s still charming and sympathetic, and once she makes her transformation, you have to wonder how Higgins held it together, she’s so gorgeous. And I love the relish with which she approaches the “Just you Wait” song or the way she delivers the “move your bloomin’ arse” line at the races.

9. Sabrina

I think producers figured because of the fairy tale appeal of Roman Holiday, Hepburn would be perfect for this modern take on Cinderella, set in 1950s New York. Just like in Roman Holiday, Hepburn gets to undergo dramatic character development and show her comedic skills. It’s a cute movie, with a very charming William Holden and gorgeous black-and-white cinematography. It’s also shockingly uncynical for a Billy Wilder project.

About the closest thing this movie has to a flaw is Humphrey Bogart as Linus, the guy who Sabrina chooses in the end. This is a role Cary Grant could have played in his sleep, but Bogart clearly is not enjoying himself in some scenes. However, he isn’t movie-breakingly bad by any means. His character is meant to be a hidden softie and far more dependable than his handsomer brother, so I can buy that Sabrina would warm to him in the end.

10. They All Laughed

People tend to argue what the last “worthwhile” Hepburn movie is. Most argue it’s 1976′s Robin and Marian, while I’ve seen some go as far back as How to Steal a Million in 1966. They All Laughed, a Peter Bogdonavich comedy from 1981, gets my vote. This is a love letter to screwball comedies much like Bogdonavich’s 1972 classic What’s Up Doc, only with a far more melancholy edge.

Hepburn does not become a major presence in the movie until nearly halfway through. However, she approaches her role with a mature dignity that makes me wish she’d done more work along this line towards the end of her career. Her character comes off as an older, sadder Princess Ann from Roman Holiday. This makes the movie sound morose, but it isn’t: it ends with life going on and the characters accepting that with grace.

[bradfordarchive]

guess who’s bk.... bk again..... shady’s bk...... tell a friend... bradley struts onto the scene w a bleached blonde n shaven head wearin a white eminem vest. it’s she! more abt her under the cut u kno the drill

pinterest can b found here!!

MARGARET QUALLEY / CIS-FEMALE. — bradley milligan is really making a name for themselves as a tier 4 shepherd. i think that she is studying psychology in their junior year at lockwood, living in off campus. originally from queens, bradford pear is known to be brave & resilient, but can also be ruthless & destructive. — nai / 23 / gmt / she/her.

the kind of sour cherry only certain people have a taste for

once drank a bottle of whiskey, insisted she could still do a cartwheel and accidentally kicked an old man’s front tooth out in the process. proceeded 2 collapse into a flower bed and laugh so much abt it that she cried

barely takes anything seriously 50% of the time and is angry the other 50%

if she was a coffee she’d be black with five grains of sugar that you couldn’t taste until the last sip

father runs a gang n strip club in queens called ‘no angels’ tht fronts an affluent drug trade, primarily coke. his name is tony milligan n his gang is p infamous around there fr being jst like…. completely cutthroat n awful. they were nicknamed ‘tony’s rottweilers’ by locals bc he bsically has all of these trained dogs on leash at his command n they’re still a growing organisation tday

he’s pretty much the worst human being alive n bradley hs like….. a lot of issues with herself as a result of years of toxicity n abuse

in terms of more family bkground info her mum’s name was alyssa n she vanished when bradley was 12. jst like…. into thin air. nothing. no note. zilch. gan! n when bradley asked her dad abt it his response was essentially “guess she didn’t love us enough to stay”. as bradley’s got older tho n become (without intention) more involved in the business side of things, it’s become pretty clear there was far more to the story. they had a horrible marriage n tony ws quite violent at the best of times, which didn’t help the fact tht alyssa ws struggling a lot w severe depression n rly just… not in the mindset to b dealing w anything else on top of tht, even where motherhood ws concerned. bradley p much… would look after her a lot n they’d both b scared of her dad n it was just a whole mess. anyway im rambling bt basically tony (bradley’s dad) gt wind of alyssa sleeping w men tht worked fr him n he just… got rid. bradley’s kind of worked out over the yrs tht her mum didn’t jst leave on her own accord n tht something must hav happened to her bt she’s too scared of her dad to ever directly accuse him

when her mum went all of her dad’s cruelty pretty mch got channelled straight onto her. it ws diluted between two before bt as u can probably imagine her upbringing was jst…. a steep downhill decline frm tht point onwards

she learnt ways 2 deal w the incurring trauma bt they weren’t healthy ones at all! bsically jst. will do or take anything fr the distraction. chases a thrill like it’s the only way to remind her she’s alive. has absolutely no regard fr her own wellbeing n sometimes gets other ppl in trouble too bc she’s so insatiably reckless

high functioning alcoholic. if u ever see her w a coffee cup u jst kno tht one sniff will confirm high alcohol percentage. honestly idk hw she does it her liver must b yellin

she hd….2 separate stints of psychiatric hospitalisation n she never tlks abt it. like ever. acknowledging she’s been vulnerable is her worst nightmare n bc of the way her dad raised her she always thinks any sign of struggling within herself is weakness. truly does…. not kno how to properly emotion

honestly. im probably missing a million things bc i kind of feel like a microwaved shrimp as i write this bt. basically her life is jst the worst a true… abomination! bc im evil like tht sometimes

loyal to a point of fault. if she cares abt u and u murder a man in cold blood she’ll brawl anyone that says ur guilty

honestly wld probably fight a person over anything. sometimes she’ll jst be having a bad day n she’ll burst n take it out on whoever says the wrong thing. a minefield!

has the worst luck in romance…. ever. the majority of her past bfs hav been absolute beasts n as a result she kind of has the ‘romance is dead n love is a lie’ mentality

speakin of which i feel like she’s bi bt wldnt have dated a girl or anythin. like guys r probably…. her preference just bc historically theyv treated her worse n she hs a very self destructive personality like that. sexy!

dresses like courtney love, 2014 sky ferreira and a character from this is england had a baby. mostly wears stolen clothes from strangers and jackets that swamp her. hair is p much always a wild mess n she usually hd kind of smudgy/smoky makeup bcos apparently she’s allergic to combs and generally looking presentable… relatable content

personality wise she’s v sarcastic. sometimes blunt. kind of has a habit of…. assessing a person n she’s quite perceptive bc she’s been trained to b by the way she always has to monitor her dad’s expression fr the slightest emotion change. she’s quite confident n can p much mke a conversation out of whatever. sort of independent too like she hs a bunch of friends bt she doesn’t care abt going out places alone if she’s in a certain mood n jst wants…… to get into chaos. she’s probably kind of known around campus/town bt itd b a 50/50 balance between bein known as intimidating n bein known as that one girl tht always gets into anarchy

where the app is concerned!! iv made her a tier 4 shepherd bc i feel like she deals fr her dads gang thru the app n like. they probably have something incriminating held over her head about pearl winters (shoutout 2 pand love u icon) who’s her best friend n she wldnt want her to go to jail or anything so. i haven’t rly decided fully what it might be?? mayb...... this hit and run they were involved in bt. bradley ws in the passenger side n pearl ws in the bk n this guy sawyer ws driving n they told him to stop bt he jst like. purposefully ran this man jason dwn. it ws super traumatic obviously n bradley feels responsible even tho she cldnt rly do anything abt it so. ya she’s prob bein blackmailed w something to do w tht perhaps

likes: fishnets, stealing cars, throwing watermelons off rooftops and whiskey

dislikes: amy schumer, honesty, yellow tulips and going home

in terms of Plots

hm. mayb someone tht knows her frm home/queens??? like tht frequents no angels (her dad’s strip club) or picks up frm there or smthn

she deals coke thru the app n probably other drugs too like pills n whtever..... bt feel like coke is her main sell. she doesn’t even need the money she jst does it bc it’s like.......... the culture she’s been raised into n also she finds the risk of it all entertaining so. mayb she deals to someone

anyone….. shes brawled in the past like. she’s literally a menace i cnt express this enough. wil jst randomly throw a drink in someone’s face fr no reason bc she’s bored. she’s probably pissed off 1000 diff ppl in 1000 diff ways. the possibilities r endless n i jst think tht’s a sexy prospect!

fwbs perhaps??? exes??? (probably ws a tumultuous relationship wtever…. ur muse is like like bradley is. a handful)

mayb someone tht she met at an aa meeting when she hd to go fr a court mandated thing one time after bein arrested fr public indecency. i feel like there’s probably a rly expensive statue somewhere thts fancily Sculpted n she like. did a flying kick n kicked the dick of it off n gt arrested fr it

ppl she……. Goes Wild Goes Crazy w. truly jst the most self destructive person alive so anyone w a similar mindset wld b a hellish bt fun combination

on the contrary a gd influence cld b nice perhaps? like someone tht genuinely cares abt her n she jst doesn’t kno hw to compute it

um. honestly the world’s our oyster. hmu n we cn brainstorm if none of tht catches ur eye!

[thesinglesjukebox]

HEADIE ONE FT. DAVE - 18HUNNA

[6.83]

Drill goes to London...

Maxwell Cavaseno: While his 2017 duet mixtape with fellow member of Tottenham's #OFB crew RV Drillers & Trappers first sought to put Headie One in the upper tier of the UK drill movement, it was his respective 2018 mixtapes The One and The One Two that ultimately catapulted him far past even the pre-established names of the field and above a greater majority of UK rap during one of the genre's most prosperous years. Singles such as "Golden Boot," "Know Better," and "Tracksuit Love" were monstrous hits that crossed beyond drill, beyond road rap, beyond the ever increasingly segregated and frighteningly policed (both in a figurative inter-genre way and a literal government ordinance way) urban music scene to turn Headie into a man who might be one of the best rappers in the world today and feels hotly poised to be the crossover rap star that the likes of Sway, Giggs, Fekky and others have never managed to become. "18HUNNA," featuring the ever trend-conscious Dave, is subtly drill-influenced but leaves behind the skeletal hi-hats and bell-like bass glides for g-funk synth whines and a much more standard trappy approach. Dave is certainly apt and nimble, shining with witty bars and dazzling technique. Yet it's clearly the hypnotic, endlessly unwinding flows of Headie, casually offering groggy wordplays in his dry snake-charmer magic, that should remain the name on everyone's lips in the future. [9]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: A song like "18HUNNA" is so hypnotic that it's easy to overlook how everyone is working at the top of their game. Headie One is the true star, his flows masterful and understated, simultaneously allowing his technical ability and storytelling to shine without drawing attention away from 169's lush production. Dave's verse is more flashy, so the beat subtly becomes more active in order to accommodate. In their smooth talks of drugs and money, the two effortlessly complete the noir-like atmosphere that the piano keys and synth pads conjure up. "18HUNNA" is the first top-10 rap hit of the year that absolutely deserves the achievement. [7]

Nicholas Donohoue: A good road to travel in rap is that of blending real vile, gross, immature subjects with great lyrical twists and delivery to make one's self sound both ascended and grounded. Headie One makes an aside about flushing drugs down the toilet and dodging taxi fare sound like he is discussing a gallery work. A bit of art house in the hood can work some magic. [7]

Josh Love: To me, an idiot, UK drill doesn't sound a whole lot different than grime -- maybe a bit more dead-eyed determined and less dynamic. Here, Headie One doesn't exactly exude a surfeit of charisma or even menace, but his measured flow is hypnotic enough to achieve earworm status anyway, even if I have basically no idea what in the hell he's on about ("still waking up to nudes in country"???). [6]

Ashley John: "18HUNNA" rattles along well enough, Headie One handling a slick drill beat with the care it needs in order to bend but not break. Then Dave comes in and jolts the track with effortless energy, making the Headie One's flow sound lethargic upon return, and the song just never recovers. [4]

Thomas Inskeep: Headie One has a seductive, almost velvet flow here -- I love the way he says the word "comfy" -- and producer 169 has given him a sinister-sounding track on which to flip rhymes. Dave drops in to say hello, but this is Headie One's show through and through. This drill track reminds me of early '90s L.A. gangsta rap, in the best of ways. 169:Headie::Dre:Snoop? Possibly. [8]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[bundeslihaha]

Chapter 12: The Second Conference Call

May 16, 2015. Before Matchday 34, Darmstadt, Karlsruhe, and Kaiserslautern wanted to calm their nerves – what’s a better way to do that than a video conference? (Slightly NSFW.)

Karlsruhe, Baden-Württemberg

22:30

“…Bye, Hertha,” Karlsruher SC ended their three-hour conversation, flashing his girlfriend a last smile, “see you in the Bundesliga next season!”

“I’ll be waiting,” Hertha Berlin crooned, a pale hand caressing her webcam. Karlsruhe imagined her soft touch on his body, the feeling of her by his side sending warmth all over him. Ah, if only she could actually be here, showering each other with love with nothing but their bare skin to separate their souls…

“Hey,” she gently brought him back to reality, “we can do it after the playoff, dear.”

A blush, subtle and pleasant, bloomed on the Badener’s cheeks. “Of course, love, of course.”

“Well, now that’s settled… good night,” she chuckled, her melodious voice only serving to make him miss her more. “Don’t forget to wear some clothes!”

Karlsruhe smirked at her lack of undergarments. “You too, Hertha.”

"Sure, Kalle,” Hertha replied with a wink. “I’m going to disconnect, okay?”

“Me too,” he returned her wink, “Sweet dreams!”

“I’ll be dreaming of your promotion,”

And she went offline.

Karlsruhe sighed, leaning back on his pillows with his laptop half-closed. Talking to her made him feel calm, confident, invincible. Sechzig was desperate to escape relegation, but he had a much better team… and of course, an endless desire to return to where he belonged: in the first tier, going for Europe and meeting his lover on matchdays. As if preventing him from dreaming before he fell asleep, a ‘ping’ cut his train of thoughts.

You have a new message!

The 1894-born club reopened his laptop, expecting a Hertha who didn’t want to sleep, but found this instead:

  WasZumRoteTeufel invited you to a conference call!

WasZumRoteTeufel and lilien98 are online. Accept/decline?

Karlsruhe clicked his tongue in annoyance; the invitation brought back his nerves, the uneasy feeling in his limbs that prompted him to move to a position where his feet dangled off the edge of his bed, so he could, maybe swing them, quickly and both feet at a time, anything to get rid of the anxiety buzzing in his head, whispering ‘fourth place’ and other unthinkable things…

Another ‘ping’.You have a new message!

With the thought of ‘I’ll regret this later’, he read the personal message.

  WasZumRoteTeufel: Yo Karli! You in or not, chicken? :p

KSC_Aufstieg2k15: of course, just haven’t said yes, he typed. Then, he switched to the notifications tab to accept the invitation. But before the webcam was fully loaded, Kaiserslautern had replied,

WasZumRoteTeufel: Well come on! We’re waiting ;)

  With a ghost of a smirk, Karlsruhe moved to the menu he’d opened. Fortunately, it had finished loading, so he put his headphones back on…

Kaiserslautern, Rhineland-Palatinate

22:06

 1. FC Kaiserslautern made sure his wireless headphones were connected to his laptop, a devilish smile adorning his sweaty face... until he felt the heat radiating from his electronic devices turn his innocent summer sweat into cooking oil.

"ARGH!" he groaned, throwing off his damp t-shirt in disgust, "Why the fuck can't the AC be cooler?!"

His landlady's screech could be heard from the door, but the personification didn't give a damn - while Karlsruhe's screen was still loading, Darmstadt was staring dumbly at his abs, he assumed, abs that were broad and muscular and glistening with sweat. His smile widened.

"Hey, 'Lautern," the promotion club called, smiling coyly. "Looking good!”

Kaiserslautern fanned himself with his mousepad. "Thanks, Lilien. Aren't you hot in that, though?" He raised a red eyebrow at her spaghetti strap.

"What kind of 'hot' are you talking about here?" she giggled, propping her face on her knuckles. "If it's that kind of hot, well..." She made a half-smile, half-pout the Red Devils thought only women could do, twirling a strand of her blond hair, "isn't it your expertise as the ruler of hell?"

Lautern laughed, the loud cackle inviting angry knocks from his neighbors. "Of course, my little lily!" He winked, flexing his muscles for her webcam to savor. "How about I take off my pants, too?"

Darmstadt’s face turned redder than his hair.

“I’ll take that as a yes!”

And so, 1. FC Kaiserslautern, Bundesligist-to-be, freed his body of its trappings.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" another voice, usually low-pitched but was now rising to operatic proportions, "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DUMBASS?!"

The redhead pushed his laptop's monitor towards his lower body parts. A suspicious moan could be heard from Darmstadt's side, but Karlsruhe's (who'd finally finished loading!) made a slamming sound as if he just shut his laptop or punched its keyboard.

"Okay, okay", Lautern snorted, directing his webcam to his face once more, "I know you're Herthasexual, Karli, but can't you at least pretend to enjoy the view?"

The Badener furrowed his thick ass eyebrows, teeth bared like a wild(park) animal. "Get your dick off my screen or I'll do it for you."

"How are you gonna do that, Karli?" Lautern challenged, hands on his hips.

"Easy," Karlsruhe snarled, "I'm gonna cut it off."

Darmstadt’s face turned green, her dinner ready to get out of her body, but the two rivals ignored her.

"And I'm gonna make it slow. And. Painful."

The third-placed club's menacing tone could strike fear in lesser beings, but not the awesome Red Devil, who'd defeated Bayern München as an Aufsteiger years ago and would definitely win against complacent Ingolstadt tomorrow. "How painful could your circumcision be, Karli dearest?" Kaiserslautern asked, zooming into his face as well, "as painful as Hertha's love bites?"

"Shut up," Karlsruhe gritted out, crossing his arms on his chest. "Unlike your beloved Stuggi, Hertha isn't just someone you could fuck."

"Aww, come on, Karli," Lautern retorted with a playful wink, "I'm sure you've slept with Vf-Bae, too."

"When hell freezes over!" the brunette snapped.

"Oh no," Lautern smirked, his sharper-than-human canine glinting in the fluorescent light of his apartment. "Hell isn't going to freeze over, my K-S-C," he said with the speed one would use when talking to a dense three-year-old, "Hell's gonna be a 1. Bundesliga stadium!"

“Never gonna happen!” Karlsruhe booed, and coupled with Darmstadt’s hesitant laughter, he felt that he should’ve been more dramatic – it would’ve stung less!

Darmstadt, Hesse

Thirty minutes earlier…

  "Kaiserslautern?" Arminia Bielefeld said, his face full of envy... and yet, she could see grudging respect. "Really?"

SV Darmstadt 98, poor, timid and newly promoted, looked up at the club she'd narrowly defeated with wide blue eyes. "What's with him?"

"Just you wait," Arminia scoffed, "he's the most annoying and self-centered personification ever. You're gonna wish you weren't promoted!"

Darmstadt had seen his exaggerated description of Lautern as a butthurt expression back then, but now, after a season of being looked down upon and bullied before becoming his and Karlsruhe's third wheel, she thought Bielefeld had been 100% accurate.

“What can a promotion club like you do?” the four-time German champion scoffed, “It’s just dumb luck.”

Sure, Darmstadt’s boys had shut him up with a 3:0 win, but she couldn’t forget how those two had ditched Braunschweig, their fellow ‘cool kid’ who’d long since missed promotion, to mock her.

Had this happened two years ago, when her status as a professional football club was in the brink of collapse, the ‘deadly duo’ would’ve brought her down, but now, all their condescension only incited her burning desire to get to the top.

Getting to the top, she’d learned, took more than ‘dumb luck’ and trained physique. It also took a trained mind, one that could read between the lines and twist every word, every action to her needs…

Even her own. While she never stopped believing in her team, she would act otherwise – in front of Sandhausen, Fortuna or Soda, she would put on a cool smile, even bluff when needed, but before KSC and FCK… she would be shy and insecure, only a little hopeful, and completely astounded when she won. All that only made them less and less guarded with her – so now, before she claimed the coveted second place, she’d put on a last show.

  Welcome, lilien98!

Notifications:

WasZumRoteTeufel updated his status: (photo) – ONE MORE MATCHDAY TO AUFSTIEG!

  Her reflexes brought her to the photo he’d uploaded. It was typical Lautern – he looked incredibly silly (as usual), with the darkish lighting, how it added sharpness to his features, his shirtless display, and then the glimmer of FCK’s red logo in his background…

Seriously, the whole club had a flair for dramatics. Sometimes Darmstadt wished she could do that, but compared to K-town, she had more limited financial (or graphic design) power. But that’s okay. She could stand being the bullied for this last matchday.

Ping!

Darmstadt went back to her notifs tab, and unsurprisingly, it was the Red Devils again.

  WasZumRoteTeufel invited you to a conference call. Accept/decline?

  Her answer was clear as day.

Karlsruhe, Baden-Württemberg

Present time

 “Never gonna happen!” Karlsruher SC snorted, Darmstadt joining in with a reserved laugh. “Besides, I’m the one who’s gonna steamroll Sechzig tomorrow.”

“Ah-ah-ah,” Lautern wagged a finger in front of the webcam. “No can do. My girlfriend’s gonna be desperate for Klassenerhalt, you won’t have time to score at all! And St. Pauli’s seconds away from relegation, too, so you’re not gonna have it easy either, Lilien.”

“I know,” Darmstadt mumbled, something like resignation shadowing her features, “but I’ll do my best��”

Karlsruhe rolled his eyes, wishing she weren’t so pathetic. Someone with a mentality like Darmstadt was not Bundesliga material. Well, all the better for his boys.

“’Do my best’? Puh-leeze,” Lautern scoffed, “If you’re promoted, I’ll run around Kaiserslautern naked.”

A mental image of his rival running around his city with the same clothes he was (not) wearing at the moment suddenly gave him a brilliant idea. “Oi, Lautern!”

“What, Karli?”

“If I get promoted,” the Badener said, “you have to run around Karlsruhe too!” He paused for a moment to think of a better punishment. “Oh, and sing my songs, please. Tell my city you’re happy I’m back to big time!”

Lautern doubled over in laughter. “Ha! Then you gotta sing my songs too… with my crest on your back!”

“Challenge accepted,” Karlsruhe replied. “As for you, Darmstadt…”

“Please, don’t make it too hard!” she begged with puppy eyes, “I don’t want to get naked!”

Karlsruhe racked his brain for something, something hard but not that embarrassing for the small club. “Fine, but you gotta treat me and Hertha on every date. Fair enough?”

“Yeah,” the blonde nodded, “Thanks, Karlsruhe.”

A silent two seconds passed.

“Oh, sorry, Lili dear, I almost forgot you!” the fourth-placed club (who would definitely stay there; Karlsruhe preferred Die Lilien for third, her team deserved at least that) exclaimed. “Here goes. If I’m promoted, you have to pay my bills for the next Hinrunde!”

Darmstadt gulped. “I…” She swallowed her saliva again, scratching her sweaty head, “I… Okay. I’ll use the salary from my side jobs.”

Side jobs, not side job, like the one Karlsruhe had. Like most personifications had. Doesn’t that son of a bitch have a fucking heart? But a bet was a bet, and she’d agreed. Besides, that asshole wouldn’t get promoted if he could help it!

“Anyway,” the Hessian said, recovering more quickly than ever, “since you two have placed your bets, isn’t it my turn?”

Kaiserslautern beat him to replying. “Oh, yes, dear Lili, what’s your bet?”

“Weeeeell,” Darmstadt smiled sweetly, batting her eyelashes, “If I end my 33-year-long wait…”

“Yeeeeeees?” the two rivals said in unison (and shooting each other dirty looks afterwards).

“Y’all have to do what you told each other,” she commanded, her blue eyes twinkling, “so you, Karli,” her lips twisted into a feral smirk, much like what the former Eurofighter saw so often in the redhead in their conference call, “kindly run around Karlsruhe, wear nothing but my flag, sing my songs, and shave those goddamned eyebrows of yours!”

Karlsruhe’s jaw dropped. He’d never imagined she would say that last part. Words had completely left him; with hands feeling his thick, dark eyebrows for what might be the last time, he watched horrible, horrible things playing in his head – like an outraged Hertha BSC – and he groaned.

On the other side of the screen, 1. FC Kaiserslautern had turned from a powerful ruler of hell into… well, a ruler of hell nervously biting his fingernails.

“And you, Lautern,” Darmstadt continued, “Since running is good for your beautiful muscles, you can run around Karlsruhe and Darmstadt, too. Wär das wunderschön?”

For a moment, it might seem like K-Town would mirror Karlsruhe’s reaction, but he only laughed maniacally. “Never, you mortals!”

“Let’s see about that!” Darmstadt boasted. “Worst of luck, guys!”

“You too!” the two boys chorused, ending the conference call with middle fingers and burning anticipation for tomorrow.

Kaiserslautern, Rhineland-Palatinate

May 17, 2015

 Fourth, the 1900-born Traditionsverein lamented as he trudged along the emergency stairs to his apartment, sweat (hell no, he wasn’t crying at all!) inexplicably coming out of his eyes, I finished fourth AGAIN.

By the time he arrived at his floor, he dropped to his knees, ignoring the sharp pain the hard floor sent the tired limbs and screamed to the ceiling: “FUCK YOU, INGOLSTADT!”

His voice was loud and hoarse, prompting all-too-familiar nags from downstairs, but he had no more fucks to give. “AND FUCK YOU TOO, DARMSTADT!” he raised a clenched fist and swung it like a bat, hoping the football gods would hear him from their hated heaven, “I HOPE YOU GET RELEGATED NEXT SEASON!”

Unfortunately, the voice of his landlady from right behind him put an end to his prayers. “Lautern, please! I have newcomers here!”

He turned his head to her direction, preparing himself for a long dressing down… but then, she pulled him into a tight hug. Her long, frizzy hair brushed on his face as she wept, wetting his damp shoulder, furious and disappointed and shaking uncontrollably, and he remembered-

She'd been at Fritz-Walter-Stadion. Watching the boys play. She’d worn the orange jersey he so hated, two scarves around her neck. She’d joined in the choreo, too, and she had cheered, chanted, cried-

 “I’m sorry!” Kaiserslautern choked, letting his tears wet his cheeks as he tightened his grip, nails digging into her scarf (her symbol of support, of love and faith for him and only him but what have I done?), “Fuck, I screwed up-” More sobs racked his body and oh god, the pain, the pain of his faithful fans and his own, he didn't care if she found out his real identity, he was just- “I’m so, so sorry…”

Karlsruhe, Baden-Württemberg

The same evening…

 “It’s not the end, Karlsruhe,” Markus Kauczinski said the umpteenth time, wrongly mistaking his personification’s jitters for something other than the prospects of running around the city with his dick exposed and his eyebrows gone, “there’s still a chance.”

“It’s not that!” Karlsruher SC half-snapped, fed up with the pep talk, “I just…” He looked away, feeling heat rise up to his cheeks. “God, you’d kill me for this.”

“For what?” the manager inquired, blue eyes narrowing behind his spectacles.

He shook his head. “I have to go home.”

Thankfully, Kaucze didn’t push the issue. “Get some rest.”

“I will,” Karlsruhe replied with a nod. “See you tomorrow, Coach.”

The moment he stepped out of Wildparkstadion’s dressing room, he turned his cellphone back on, the gears in his mind turning for his own dignity. No one had said ‘automatically promoted’ when they were betting… so what if I win the playoff?

The thought of returning to the first tier brought a grin to his face, and so, he logged in without hesitation.

 END

Bonus Scene

 Karlsruher SC ran to the training field, every pant a wish that he wouldn't mar his five-year record of punctuality...

But it was no use. He swore under his breath upon his arrival. Everyone was warming up now, leaving him completely exposed to his head coach (who, strangely, didn't bring a weapon to kill him.)

"Uh..." He laughed sheepishly. "Sorry, I-"

"First things first, Karlsruhe," Kauczinski said, hands crossed over his chest, "What happened to your eyebrows?"

[lycemagee]

HAHAHAHA My god I love their relationship so much it's too hilarious

Ugly sobbing about how when this game dropped I was warding Alfons away for being too much freak and now I'm frothing at the mouth chewing at the bars begging for his route to reach us already 😭