#THIS is what really being a true patriot means

[lilhawkeye3]

A Crash Course to Kendrick's Super Bowl Performance, from a Black Woman

Note: this does NOT go in depth into all of the song's lyrics. I don't have time to recount two decades of his discography. This is just a summary of the performance itself.

Let's start with the first visual we get:

UNCLE SAM - most notably recognized from WWII American wartime propaganda, Uncle Sam is the personification of American patriotism and freedom. The term "uncle" is also evocative of Uncle Tom from Uncle Tom's Cabin, an abolitionist book that aided in inciting the Civil War. Uncle is also a very common term (both endearment and derogatory) towards Black men (eg. "unc"). Samuel L Jackson was fantastic. (Edit: and please look up his history of civil rights activism, he was on the FBI watchlist and even a pallbearer at MLKJr’s funeral.)

Uncle Sam also resembles a circus ringleader, notable for my next point:

THE GREAT AMERICAN GAME - no, not Super Bowl. The GAG is us the people being pitted against each other: through late-stage capitalism, through the culture war, through class warfare, through being built of the backs of slaves. We are all players in the GAG because none of us on this site were the oligarchs seated at the inauguration.

This is also seen as Kendrick's stage was a Play Station controller. Not only did it remind of circus rings visually, but it was a game battle stage. The Great American Game is a battle royale of the commoners for the amusement of the rich whites.

Remember the foods / Them color was tin and brown / But now they 100 and blue - For this I'll just say, look what the last election said about lowering the price of eggs... and look at the prices now.

The revolution about to be televised / You picked the right time / But the wrong guy - Election 2024 once more. *Edit to add, the first part of this lyric is in reference to the Black Liberation Song "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised" by Gil Scott-Heron. Thanks to everyone who mentioned that.

THE FLAG DANCERS - yes, the dancers formed the US flag... off of the backs of Black people. Not a single white person in sight, and that's true of the cotton pickers in the fields. Plantations are part of how the US came to economic prominence after being a "backwater" colony. Remember tobacco? Cotton? Our bloodlines do. *Edit to add: they also all piled out of a clown car. The US flag in a clown car? Brilliant.

The red and blue dancers are also notable for representing the Crips and Bloods, two infamous street gangs. The dance in Not Like Us is the Crip Walk. I recommend researching more on your own time about them, but just know they are a large part of the stereotype of Black people being "ghetto."

TOO LOUD, TOO RECKLESS, TOO GHETTO. Do you really know how to play the game? - This is exactly what Black people, especially Black men, get told all the time. It's why we change our names on resumes if they sound "too Black." It's why we codeswitch in non-Black company. This is especially rich considering how non-Black people love our culture and love to make money off of us, as the latter part of the quote points to. And it's even more profound during the Super Bowl-- the NFL is majority Black players.

STREET LIGHT A CAPELLA -- "thug" stereotype dancers to counteract the a capella connotations, with Uncle Sam then saying that Kendrick figured out "bringing other street guys around being a culture cheat code." Yes, this is a direct hit at Drake (listen to "Not Like Us") but also politically. Look up "model minority". Notably I would point to Candace Owens, or the Miami Venezuelan political group that's been in the news recently, especially as this directly led to Kendrick being surrounded by...

DANCERS IN WHITE -- it's white America. That's... that's the allegory.

NOT LIKE US TEASER -- Kendrick says "Not Like Us" is "their favorite song." -> he means white people specifically here. It comes after he's surrounded by all white dancers, the women around him who are his call and response are also in white (my opinion, they represent the industry). He's saying "Not Like Us" is the favorite of yts because it is about BLACK MEN FIGHTING. This again is reflected in the video game stage and ringleader Uncle Sam.

SZA -- instead of giving what they want, we see SZA. She's one of Drake's exes and Kendrick has always supported her.

ALL THE STARS -- This was in the first Black Panther movie, which I recommend you watch. Rest in Power Chadwick. Notably, this movie was incredibly mainstream as a major Marvel movie, and then we have Uncle Sam say...

"THAT'S WHAT AMERICA WANTS: NICE AND CALM. DON'T MESS THIS UP" -- translation: Marvel (the industry, America, etc.) wanted a safe, semi-pop song because white American likes safe pop songs, not Kendrick's usual heavy rap style about his life as a Black man! Don't mess up what you've got going mainstream for having this "Black rap feud" with Drake, who is an R&B model minority to white people because he's safe.

So what does Kendrick say?

IT'S A CULTURAL DIVIDE / IMMA GET IT ON THE FLOOR -- He was warned not to be political or apologetically Black for this Super Bowl performance, but he is using this big stage opportunity to speak out.

40 ACRES AND A MULE / THIS IS BIGGER THAN THE MUSIC -- 40 acres and a mule are what the freed slaves were promised. Instead, this land went to white sharecroppers. Research Jim Crow laws.

THEY TRIED TO RIG THE GAME / BUT YOU CAN'T FAKE INFLUENCE -- rig the election, rig the industry like with model minority Drake, rig the Great American Game with culture war to distract from active class warfare.

NOT LIKE US -- the only thing I'll mention because it made me holler is Serena Williams crip walking on Drake's metaphorical grave. She's another one of his exes (read: Drake harassed the hell out of her). *Edit: she was also fined at the 2012 Olympics for crip walking in celebration at Wimbledon.

TURN THE TV OFF -- exactly like he said! The TV is a distraction, the Super Bowl is a distraction, the mainstream news is often a distraction. Turn it off and get with your people!

GAME OVER — could not see this on my stream but at the end of the performance, the lights in the stadium spelled this out. The world is watching, America…

In conclusion, Kendrick Lamar is a visionary and thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[starsinthesky5]

nothing's gonna hurt you baby II part 1 || joe burrow x reader

description: loving what you do doesn’t always mean it loves you back—it takes more than it gives sometimes

a/n: oh my GOD this is so long. it wasn’t supposed to be this long 😃😃😃😃. pls don’t hate me lol. this might have been the longest time i spent writing a fic too which is insane but i mean the word count speaks for itself HA. i really hope this isn’t total shit.  but, so sorry I kept you all waiting for so long!! i really hope this was worth the wait :) i took my time with this one!

also, huge huge thank you to @sofferaddict for inspiring a chunk of this fic! you’re ideas and requests were PERFECT and i hope I did them justice :)

warnings: angst, language, allusions to sex, smut at the end  (👨🚲 does this make sense???)

word count: 28.5 k (IM SO SORRY YALL-)

nothings gonna hurt you baby mini series master list (previous parts found here

——————————————————

Walking into Arrowhead Stadium always creates a complex mix of emotions for you; a rich blend of excitement, nervous energy, and uncertainty. It was a feeling that seemed to linger in the air for hours to come, creating an atmosphere charged with both anxiety and thrill. This mix was a given considering the matchup that was taking place, Joe Burrow vs Patrick Mahomes. It was two of the best in the league going against each other, a rivalry that had captivated the entire football community and had become one of the most talked-about spectacles in recent years. Whenever the Bengals went head-to-head with the Chiefs, the tension was electrifying yet frightening. But it wasn't about fear of losing—true fans knew the Bengals were the Chiefs' biggest rivals for the past 4 years and were their biggest threats—it was more about fearing how intense this game would be, but that also created excitement. The excitement came from knowing that this matchup promised to deliver an intense, high-energy, and nail-biting game that would leave everyone on the edge of their seats.

However, this time, you were feeling more excited than usual. Normally, you’d be on the verge of throwing up while walking through the concourse at Arrowhead, the bright red seats in the stands acting as a warning sign that forcefully caught your attention as if something urgent or dangerous was about to happen in the next few hours. This time, however, the bright red seats produced a feeling of comfort and nostalgia, like everything was back to normal while also reminding you of the memories you had here in years past (some sweeter than others).

You weren’t sure why, but playing the Chiefs made things feel like they were truly back to normal, despite the terrible loss against the Patriots the week before. Maybe it was because Joe always played his best against KC, so this game might just light that fire inside of him he so desperately needed last week. Or maybe it was because you knew how last week's loss put the entire team on notice so today's performance should be near perfect and push things back on track since they knew what narratives were being tossed around in the media right now. 

Whatever it was, the bottom line was that you felt relaxed and confident—a complete 360 from how you felt last week before the game. 

And you weren’t the only one who felt this way today. Joe did too. 

For real this time. 

Flashback to last night 

“I miss you,” he softly said over the phone and pouted as you moved your phone back into your view and flipped over to your stomach on your bed. 

“I just saw you a few hours ago,” you giggled. “I drove you to the airport,”. 

“Yeah, I know,” he said while leaning back against his hotel bed's headrest. “But I miss touching you and feeling you next to me. That thing we did in the car was nice but that only made me more…you know…after we were done. I just miss you, all of you,”. 

You felt your cheeks heat up at his words, remembering in vivid detail what transpired in the car before he left to go board the plane. What started as an innocent goodbye kiss quickly turned into a heated exchange that led to Joe pulling you to the backseat of the Porsche and having his way with you. Even though it had been a few hours, you could still practically feel his hand gripping your thigh right now, feel his hot breath against your ear, hearing his raspy voice chant your name breathlessly over and over. That’s how dazed you still were. 

“Simmer down, Burrow. Gotta save that energy for tomorrow,” you smiled. 

“I can’t help it when my girlfriend is the most beautiful woman on the planet,” he winked while threading his fingers through his frosted tips. “You're not just beautiful, you’re magnetic. There's something about you that draws me in and doesn’t let me go, not just your looks but the way you carry yourself–confident, sexy, and undeniably captivating. Your eyes are like liquor and your body’s like gold. One thing makes me drunk to the point where I lose all sense and the other makes me greedy for more,”. 

“Joeee,” you shied away from the camera and smiled, then hid your face in the soft pillow that smelled exactly like him–crisp and clean, with a hint of his natural musk, and a little spicy–which only made you miss him even more and caused your smile to drop. 

Yeah, you missed him too. How could you not? You had gotten so used to having him around all the time during the past 10 months and all of a sudden he’s not and is spending the majority of his time at the facility, that wasn’t something you were getting used to just yet. You were beyond excited that he could now do what he loved which he had been missing for far too long, but you missed him. You missed those peaceful evenings that you two spent together, wrapped up in each other’s embrace, and lounging on the couch while watching a silly movie. You missed those mornings when you’d get to wake up to his adorable smile and gentle kisses. You missed those late nights you two spent out in the backyard, staring up at the stars and talking about life. Now that football had fully begun, these things would become sporadic and you couldn’t help but miss him every single second he was away from you, even if you had just seen him just a few hours ago like today. 

“What? It’s true,” he smirked, snapping you out of your trance. “I can’t stay away from you, you know that. I just wanna be around you all the time because of the way you make me feel,”.

He wanted to be around you, he really did. But this is what he’d have to deal with for the next 5 to 6 months and it killed him to not spend as much time with you as he wished. The past 10 months were a blessing in disguise for him; even though he was far away from what he loved to do, he was with the person he loved to love. That’s all that mattered.

But now he was close to what he loved to do, but a little further from the person he loved to love–and that sucked. 

“Oh really? How do I make you feel?” you asked while peeking up from the pillow with a cheeky grin.

“Hmm,” he hummed and raised his eyebrow as he pretended to think about how you made him feel. He really didn’t need to think about it, the way you made him feel was so obvious to the point where even everyone around him could see it. 

Just that afternoon, after Joe finally got out of the car and made his way to the plane, Ja’marr and Tee noticed that Joe looked happier, livelier, and more radiant than normal. At first, they couldn’t put their finger on what made him feel like that, especially before a game like this where he’d normally be dialed in and visibly numb. But once they saw the Porsche drive away and a girl wave goodbye in the window, they knew exactly what got him to this point. 

They dubbed this the ‘Y/N glow’, a playful name for the look Joe had whenever he was around them and was giving off specific energy, a specific energy that they noticed he had around you. So whenever Joe showed up around the guys with this glow–without you by his side–they knew something must have happened before with you to make him like this. They applauded your talents, nothing could make Joe this visibly happy, not even football. The way he remained like this even when you weren’t around was remarkable, it goes to show the depth of your love for him and the profound impact you had on him.

That’s why Joe wanted to be around you at all times, the way you made him feel was irreplicable and so good that he was addicted to it, to you. You brought a smile to his face by doing the most minimal things, making him feel a genuine happiness that football could never bring him. You always had a way of making him feel better, even when he was so far gone that he didn’t even know how to pull himself out of that hole on his own. He needed you, he always needed you. Last week was the perfect example; he was almost too deep into that hole of anxiety and self-doubt and pushed you away again, but you once again came right in with no limitations and pulled him back out. He was so extremely blessed to have you in his corner, and he knew that. 

“You make me feel like I’ve already won,” he grinned. 

“Won what?” you bit your lip and asked, flipping around onto your back.

“The best trophy anyone can possibly win,”. 

“Are you calling me a trophy girlfriend?” you furrowed your brows and asked. 

“Oh, no. God no,” he laughed. “I mean, I feel like I’ve already won with you. The greatest thing anyone can have in this world is genuine, unconditional love. I have that…with you,” he said, his tone becoming more serious. “Winning you and your love is the greatest trophy, the greatest achievement I could ever have,”. 

“Even greater than a Lombardi?” you asked, a tear forming in your eyes because of the sudden severity of his voice. The combination of his voice and the emotions you were already feeling from being apart from him created a strong mix. If he wasn't currently on Facetime with you, you would’ve found yourself seeking comfort in his pillow, probably crying your eyes out. “Fuck, I miss him,” you thought to yourself. 

“Greater than a Lombardi, MVP, and Hall of Fame induction,” he nodded. 

“Damn, you really love me,” you giggled as you subtly wiped the tear from your eye, trying to prevent him from seeing that you were a little emotional because you didn’t need him to get distracted. 

“Really is an understatement. Loving you is like being on fire because it’s intense, all-consuming, and totally wild. It burns inside me, making my heart and soul come alive. You're the flame I never want to put out, the passion I never want to lose. You're the light in my darkest hours and the warmth in my coldest nights,”.

“You’re so sweet and poetic,” you blushed, giving him a love-struck smile as you gazed deeply into his eyes through the screen.  

“And you’re so damn cute,” he smiled as he got up from his bed to grab his water bottle.

You let out a soft chuckle, your heart swelling because of how gentle, warming, and loving his words directed to you were, “How are you feeling about tomorrow?” you asked, getting up from your bed and walking over to the bathroom to fix your messy hair. 

“Surprisingly good,” he said as he moved around the room, sounds of shuffling and clanking filling the bathroom as you grabbed your brush. “Practice went well, as you know, and I feel pretty good about where I’m at. Physically and Mentally,” he nodded as he came back into the camera view. 

“That’s great, babe,” you smiled, feeling lighter after hearing him say that he feels good mentally. Last week was rough and you did not want to see a repeat of that ever again, especially after how long it took you to calm him down. 

“I was too hard on myself last week, can’t let that happen again or I think I’ll be borderline psychotic by week 18,” he joked. 

As you spoke, a warm, reassuring smile graced your face. "You're absolutely right. It's not healthy to load yourself with so much pressure. What's important is that you're giving it your all. I want you to know that I'm genuinely proud of you no matter what," you said gently, your hand reaching up to brush back a loose strand of hair.

“Thanks, Y/N,” he smiled. “Kansas City’s always a good game regardless. Tomorrow should be good. Not an easy game, but good. Unlike last week, I feel relaxed and confident. Since I’ve gotten hit a few times, that’s put my mind at ease about the wrist a little bit and I feel good. I’m hoping tomorrow’s game will bring that fire back into the guys, and even me,” he said before unscrewing the cap of his water and taking a big sip. 

“I know it will,” you said while grabbing a hair clip. “At least we know Ja’marr will be fired up no matter what,” you giggled, referring to Ja’marrs long-lasting beef with the entirety of Kansas City. 

He let out a soft laugh, “Ohhh yeah. He’s amped up for sure,”. He closed his water before returning to the camera with a cheeky grin, “I am too, to be honest, but not only because we’re playing the Chiefs. I’m excited to have you here for the game,”.

“Well, I’m excited to be there for the game,” you winked as you grabbed the phone and went back to the bedroom. “My flight’s in like an hour or so and Emma should be meeting me at the airport so we can fly to Kansas City together,”.

“I’m glad she could fly in for the game and keep you company,” he said, talking about your childhood best friend. “I didn’t want you to be all alone since my parents can’t make it and thank god and my big ass contract for letting me get you guys a suite.. I don’t ever want you sitting in the stands because those fans are intense as hell,”. 

“Tell me about it,” you said, widening your eyes. “They’re so fucking loud on TV and in person, it’s like on a whole other level of rowdy fans. I thought Philly had the rowdiest NFL fans but KC might give them a run for their money,”.

“Mmm, I think Philly still wins in that department,” Joe shook his head and said. "But Kansas City definitely knows how to bring the energy, especially when they're up against the Bengals. It's like they're out there with an extra level of fire and even insanity when they're up against us,”. 

“Well it’s a good thing you’re Joe Cool and can effortlessly cool them off by doing what you do out there,” you grinned, making dramatic hand movements to emphasize your words. 

“Thanks, Y/N,” he chuckled, threading his fingers through his soft frosted tips. “I’m gonna let you go now so you can get to your flight on time. I know you get stressed out at the airport so you should probably leave now to give yourself some grace time,” he smiled. “I think some of the guys are going down to grab something to eat from the conference room so I’m gonna go with them,”. 

"You’re probably right,” you laughed and nodded as you reached down and pulled up your sleek, black carry-on suitcase with silver accents. The suspense of the game weighed heavily on your mind as you spoke, "I don't know if I'll get a chance to talk to you tomorrow before the game, so I just wanted to say that you got this, Joe. I know you do. Remember to keep calm, take a deep breath, and dial in on the field. Don't think about anything else–forget about the roar of the crowd, the flashing cameras of the media, the distracting questions from the reporters. Block it all out and do what you do best out there. It's just you and the football,". 

"I love you so much," Joe said as if he was lost in some trance, his eyes filled with warmth and sincerity, while giving you a tight-lipped smile. You could see the genuine affection in his eyes as he spoke those words. He valued your words, advice, and honesty more than anything else. 

"I love you too," you said, unable to contain your joy as a wide grin spread across your face. Your cheeks flushed with a rosy blush, responding to the intense gaze he fixed on you. His eyes spoke volumes, showing an overwhelming amount of love and endearing infatuation that made your heart flutter.

End of flashback 

Hearing him say that he felt good about today's game, with a confident smile on his face and a sense of determination in his voice, was all you needed to fully relax and feel a weight being lifted off your shoulders. You noticed the way his eyes sparkled with a mix of excitement and focus, and you couldn't help but feel a wave of positive energy. You were genuinely excited about the game this time, it was a completely different feeling than you had before last week's game when doubt and nerves had overshadowed your usual enthusiasm.

“Did I mention how amazing you look right now, Mrs. Burrow?” Emma teased as she snapped you out of your trance. You blinked your eyes a few times and realized you were now standing in your suite for the evening which was facing the Bengals sideline, not knowing when and how you even ended up in there. You looked down and noticed you were holding a glass, seemingly filled with a Vodka Cranberry Cocktail, not even knowing how this drink ended up in your hold. “Damn, he has me in a trance even when he’s not with me,” you thought to yourself as you looked back at Emma. 

“Em…,” you said to her while giving her a look.

“What? I’m just stating the facts, Y/N. I know that ring is coming sooner rather than later,” she winked. “Joe is so down bad obsessed with you, I really don’t think he can go another year without officially officially marking his territory with a big, beautiful diamond ring,”. 

"...Yeah," you giggled and nodded a few seconds later, feeling a little shy all of a sudden at the mention of how obsessed he was with you. The thought of marrying Joe filled your mind with a sense of euphoria and excitement, it was a beautiful dream you craved to turn into reality. The past 5 years with him were nothing short of a fairytale, and you two ruled the kingdom you had built together hand-in-hand with no intention of ever letting go. From the moment you first saw each other, you knew that this relationship would be different; and it was. It was different because you two had a connection that neither of you had ever had with anyone before. A kind of connection that only needed one small spark to fully catch on fire. And that fire burned no matter the circumstance: through the rain, the wind, and anything that threatened to blow it out. 

A connection that felt like it was written in the stars–something cosmic, fated, inescapable. Once those stars aligned, everything clicked into place your lives intertwined in a way that felt as natural as breathing. It wasn’t forced and it certainly wasn’t rushed; it was like you were both simply waiting for the universe to do its thing, to bring you together at the right moment. As time went on, you realized just how deeply ingrained that bond was. It wasn’t just the shared laughs, the stolen kisses, or even the way you could read each other without saying a word. It was the way you stood by each other through the storms, the way you’d hold each other’s hands when the weight of the world was too much to carry alone.

Joe had reassured you of his intent to marry you multiple times which only intensified the significance of Emma's words and made butterflies flutter in your belly. Joe knew you were his forever from the second he saw you, it was only a matter of time before he made it clear to everyone. You twirled a strand of your hair around your finger, feeling a warm blush creeping up your cheeks as you tried to hide your smile. “But he’s focused on ball right now and he knows I don’t care when it happens,”. 

“We’ll see,” Emma grinned, her tone of voice making you suspicious but you decided to let it go knowing this wasn’t the time to pick her brain about this subject. “But seriously, you look hot as hell right now. Best dressed WAG in the league by a long shot and man is Joe going to die when he sees this look. Taylor ain’t got nothing on you today,”.

"Hey," you snapped as your jaw fell, unable to hide your surprise. "No disrespect to Taylor. We love her, and I know she's on the enemy’s side tonight, but listen, her music has been with us through thick and thin, every breakup, situationship, and boyfriend. Without her, I don’t think I would’ve been able to get over James. Not to mention, I think she subconsciously wrote Call it what you want and King of my heart about me and Joe,".

“You’re right, you’re sooo right,” Emma said as she nodded. “But like, you look great,” she smiled as she gestured to your outfit. 

You were wearing a skin-tight, cropped, custom-made, orange Burrow jersey that fit like a baby tee. It was a unique piece, specially made to your measurements and featuring Joe’s name and number. Along with the jersey, you wore your trademark ‘9’ necklace, adding a personal touch to the outfit. The denim mini-skirt complemented the jersey top perfectly, adding a casual yet stylish element to your look. The custom white knee-high boots were a standout feature, with a beautifully embroidered ‘9’ on the bottom by your ankle, fashionably showcasing your team spirit. To top it off, you had a vintage Bengals hat on, completing the outfit with a touch of retro charm. Truth be told, you looked absolutely stunning and it was clear who you were specifically supporting tonight.

“I guess I do,” you smiled, taking a sip of the cocktail that was in your hand. 

You spent the rest of the time watching the pre-game warmups, observing how quickly fans flooded the stadium, and listening to how loud it was getting even though the game hadn’t even started yet. There were hardly any Bengals fans around your suite, honestly, all you saw was a sea of red around the stadium–not really surprising since not everyone wants to make a trip to Kansas City during week 2, especially after that loss last week. 

“Holy Red Kingdom,” Emma said in surprise, raising her eyebrows as she looked down and saw a crowd of Chiefs fans right in front of your suite. 

“Yeah,” you nodded as you looked down with her, your eyes scanning the crowd and only seeing ‘15’s and ‘87’s along with bright red shirts, hats, and jerseys. As you looked around the crowd and glanced down to the right, searching for any signs of orange, you heard loud, obnoxious shouting from below. At first, you thought it was just rowdy fans getting excited for the game about to start in a few minutes. But then the words that followed made you feel uneasy, and you quickly looked in that direction.

“Lookie, Lookie. Looks like we got a little Burrow fan up there,” one of the men said pointing up at you. 

“Really?” another man cackled, looking right up at you, his face contorting to a look of surprise once he saw you. “Oh shit!”. 

“No fucking way,” another man howled. “I didn’t think that joke of a quarterback still had any fans around. Especially after that embarrassing loss last week against the Patriots out of all teams. Like how do you play that bad against the fucking Patriots during Week 1? And wasn’t he all ‘I feel as good as I’ve ever felt in my entire career’ like two weeks ago? It sure as hell didn’t look like it last Sunday,” he laughed. “He was probably lying to save his ass,”. 

“That injury clearly fucked him up for good, there’s no coming back from that. He might as well just call it quits now before he gets hurt again and ends up stuck in the hospital bed, I’ve never seen a more injury-prone quarterback since Andrew Luck, Burrow should stop chasing that trophy and sit back down and think about his health,” he laughed, making a mockery out of Joe’s health and stamina. 

“I mean, it’s not like he had much going for him before the injury anyway. He came into the league as this hotshot, sparkly quarterback but has nothing to show for the hype that’s around him except for an embarrassing Super Bowl loss. Not to mention that he was overpaid by a lot I mean, with that contract you’d think he’d won two Lombardi’s back to back,” the other man laughed. “Bitch thinks he’s Pat Mahomes,” the man shook his head and hollered, earning loud laughs and words of agreement from the other men. 

“Hey!” one of the other men shouted up at you. “You’re supporting the wrong guy, sweet cheeks,” he slurred as he pointed back to the field. “A pretty lady like you needs to show up for a real man like Mahomes or Kelce. Hell, we’re probably better than that pussy, Burrow,” he snarled, the hungry look in his eyes making you feel incredibly uneasy.

“Oooooo,” another man teased. “She does look like she’d look hot in KC red. Not to mention how bangin’ her body is and that ugly orange isn’t doing her tits any justice,”.

Emma's eyes widened in shock as she whispered, "Oh my god," and placed a reassuring hand on your shoulder. The lewd comments from the drunk men made you both furious and highly uncomfortable, causing your shoulders to tense up with nervousness.

“Yeahhh,” the other man shouted, “Come sit down here with us, sweetheart. We can help you take that ugly ass Burrow shirt off and give you one of our shirts to wear…but that’s if you’re lucky,” he winks, earning high-fives from the other men for insinuating something like that. 

He was so obviously drunk. They were all drunk. 

Your heart raced in your chest, each beat echoing in your ears as a wave of anxiety washed over you, leaving you paralyzed with hesitation. Your mind raced, desperately searching for the right words or actions in this strange situation. This was uncharted territory for you, something you had never expected having to confront so you had no idea what to say or do. 

“He’s a failure!”. “Complete waste of talent right there!”. “He can’t even throw like he used to!”. “Career went down the toilet as soon as he was drafted to Shittcinati!”. “He’s one hit away from being done for good!”. 

The insults echoed in your mind, each word leaving a harsh mark and adding to the weight on your shoulders you thought you got rid of over the past week. As the crowd quieted for the kickoff, the echoes of their insults lingered. During the chaos, you could only think about Joe, feeling his absence strongly. The hurtful words triggered familiar feelings of anxiety and worry that you had worked hard to overcome before stepping into the stadium and you didn’t know what to do.

���Y/N?” Emma asked as she grabbed your trembling hand. “Are you alright?” she asked as she gave it a gentle squeeze. 

“Y- yeah,” you lied as you felt your eyes well with tears. “I’m fine. It was just a bunch of drunk idiots, n- nothing to worry about,” you said to her while giving her a fake, rehearsed smile as you felt that pit in your stomach you got last week come back. 

“Are you sure? That was fucking disgusting and so uncalled for, I’m sure we can talk to someone and-,”.

“No.” you interrupted her and said, your voice heavy and almost scared. “I really don’t want to make a scene here and I don’t even think those guys knew I’m Joe’s girlfriend. I really don’t want to be the subject of those annoying headlines over this and make things even more distracting for Joe,” you swallowed. 

“But I-,”.

“Emma, please,” you pleaded as you looked into her eyes. “I’m fine,” you lied again, giving her false reassurance by pulling her in for a hug.

You were not fine. Joe. You needed Joe. The one person who could calm you down, get you to relax, the person who would be able to deal with this and shield you from the disgusting comments. “I need you right now,” you thought to yourself as you felt your throat tighten and tears threaten to spill out. You had never experienced anything like this before and although it was just a group of idiotic men that didn’t know you or Joe enough to be saying all of that, it still felt like a punch straight to the gut because the things they were saying were along the same lines of what Joe was saying to you last week, only they were saying it in a harsher more hateful manner. You weren’t even sure if you wanted to tell Joe about this, knowing that it would just become another distraction for him. 

“This is going to be a long game,” you thought to yourself after pulling away from the hug sitting back down in your seat, feeling the urge to shrink away and hide. The pit in your stomach mixed with your growing anxiety left a bitter taste in your mouth, making you feel exactly how you did last week during the game. 

It felt as if the protective bubble shielding you from the raging storm outside had burst, leaving you once again in the middle of the storm, feeling scared, anxious, and on the verge of being swept away by your thoughts.

“Fuck,” you thought to yourself. “I hope this feeling goes away,”. 

A few hours later - End of the Game

It definitely did not go away.

The comments from the drunk fans set the tone for you for the rest of the game. It seemed like everything went downhill from there–for you and for the team. Some exciting, explosive moments had you on your feet but those were tinted by the other, more unpleasant things that happened. 

You found yourself once again on the edge of your seat the entire game, but not because of the thrill or because you had adrenaline coursing through your veins. It was for the exact same reason as last week–you were scared, anxious, and upset. The game was neck and neck, a pure nail-biter as usual, and the Bengals put up one hell of a fight and honestly should have won the game, but they once again couldn’t do it.

They played good and way better than last week, but just not good enough. 

And then it came to Joe. The one person that had been on your mind since the game began. 

Flashback

"Oh my god!" you yelled as you shot up from your chair, your heart palpitating in your chest as you saw Joe go in for the QB sneak. You could see the determination in his eyes as he charged forward, only to get his shoulder rammed into by a defender. In that split second, you knew it was going to be a hard hit. Joe was brought straight to the ground, his helmet knocked off, and he was immediately crushed by several large opposing players. The impact echoed through the stadium as you breathed, praying he’d get up.

“Holy Shit,” Emma gasped next to you, her hand over her mouth. “I hope he’s okay, that looks like it fucking hurt,”. 

“Joe, please be okay,” you whispered to yourself, your entire body feeling as if it was just thrown into a familiar brick wall. Immediately, your mind wandered over to the moments he had gotten injured in the past, and what just happened in that play was very similar to what’s happened before. The feeling you got in your body just now was very similar to how you felt in those moments. It was as if you were thrown into the abyss, had your heart torn from your chest, or stabbed in the stomach. 

“Not again. I can’t do that again. He can’t do that again,” you thought to yourself as you felt your eyes pool with tears. “His fucking helmet flew off, Emma,” you said as you turned to her, your voice trembling and breaths getting shorter. “And…and his shoulder. The way he went down…,”.

“I know, I know,” she said as she rubbed your back, “But look, he’s getting up and he looks fine”. 

You looked back down to the field, watching as Joe grabbed his helmet and stood up with an emotionless look on his face. As you watched him from a distance, you noticed that there was no hint of a limp in his stride, no flexing of his wrist, and no visible signs of shoulder pain. It seemed like he was moving with relaxation and confidence, showing no physical pain as he prepared to rejoin the game.

“See? It’s okay. He’s okay,” she soothed as she swayed you back and forth for comfort. 

“Fuck,” you whispered as you slowly nodded, taking deep breaths to even out your heart rate, “He’s okay…He’s fine…,”. 

“Yeah, he’s fine,” Emma reassured. “Don’t worry so much. Joe’s a tough guy, a play like this isn’t going to hurt him. Especially now since he’s so so much stronger and tougher, ”. 

“You’re right,” you swallowed, trying to calm yourself down by continuing to take deep breaths and using your right hand to gently rub your left hand (the hand which had the veins that led straight to your heart)—a gesture that always calmed you down that Joe discovered. You rubbing your hand didn’t have the same effect as when Joe did it, but it was enough for now. 

“I just- they can’t do that again. He could’ve gotten really hurt,” you mumbled.

Even though he looked calm and normal, you started to feel more and more uneasy. At the same time, you began to taste something bitter in your mouth, and it got stronger with every breath.

End of Flashback

The trauma of witnessing his previous injuries had left you with a bit of PTSD. As a result, every time he fell or moved differently, you experienced intense anxiety and fear, believing that something may be seriously wrong. 

You had hoped that moment was the only time this evening you’d feel like this, but you couldn’t have been more wrong. 

The QB sneak was just one example from this evening.

Flashback 

“Yeah, and I thought about bringing Ryland but he had to go into New York this weekend with his brother for the Cage The Elephant concert,” Emma said as she took a sip of her cocktail. You two were talking about needing to plan a double date with the four of you (you, Joe, Emma, and her Boyfriend). She also mentioned that she wanted to bring him to the game this evening but he already had tickets for the concert with his brother and wished he could have joined you all. 

“Sooo, I take it you two are getting serious,” you giggled, wiggling your eyebrows. 

“What makes you say that?” she asked, taking another sip.

“We never do double dates, Em. Like ever,” you smiled. “Your exes were douches so you never brought them around Joe and me on purpose as a coupley thing but you are with Ryland so something has to be different,”.

“I could say the same thing about you, Mrs. Burrow, Mrs. Quarterback, Mrs. 9, Mrs. Cincinnati, Mrs. Shiesty,” she teased with a silly smile. “You never brought a boyfriend around me like that for the same reason and here we are, sitting in a suite your lover rented for you, watching him play football, while you’re completely decked out in his name and number.  You and Joe are like a package deal. Inseparable, attached at the hip, and so obsessed with one another. You are locked the fuckkkk in and I could not be more happier for you,”. 

“Emmmaaaaa,” you whined, hiding your face out of shyness. 

“I can just hear those wedding bells, Y/N,” she giggled, pulling your hands down. “Here comes the bride,” she sing-songed.

“Rigggghtttt,” you nodded, laughing along with her and glancing back to the field to see if the break was over and to see where your boyfriend was.

You felt your heart drop and a lump forming in your throat as your eyes locked onto Joe, who was standing crouched down on the field. "Oh my god," you choked, the words barely escaping your lips as you shot up from your chair, feeling the adrenaline coursing through your veins. You walked with shaky steps straight to the edge of the suite window, your mind racing with a million thoughts at once.

You saw Joe standing on the field, his back to you, and crouched down; almost as if he was holding his wrist. Your mind quickly flashed back to November 16th, M&T Bank Stadium, the night he got hurt and was in this exact position. “Oh my god,” you said again, this time more panic evident in your voice. 

“What’s wrong?” Emma asked as she looked at you.

“Joe…he looks like he’s holding his wrist?” you mumbled as you moved to the side to see if you could get a better look. “Emma, I think something’s wrong,” you said, feeling a wave of nausea come over you. 

Emma quickly got up from her seat and walked over next to you, taking a look at what you were talking about. “Are you sure?” she asked with a concerned look. 

“It- it looks like it…oh my god,” you said as you felt your throat tighten, then covered your face with your eyes. “No, no, no, this can’t be happening again. Not now,” you sniffled, trying to hold back tears.

Emma continued to look down at Joe with you, her eyes twinkling with amusement and her smile coming back once she got a better view of him. "Ohhhh, Y/N," she laughed next to you, her pleasant voice filling the air. She placed her arm around your shoulder, the warmth of her touch comforting and familiar, and gave you a gentle squeeze.

“What?” you asked her, peeking through your hands.

“Look down,” she said, pointing back down to Joe. 

You moved your hands down and slowly turned to your head to look at him and what you saw was completely unexpected. 

Joe was tying his shoes. 

That’s why he was crouched down. 

"He was... he was tying his shoes?" you whispered, feeling your heart start up again and a wave of relief come over you, which swept away the nausea. The sight of him crouched down, looping the laces and tying them into neat bows, reassured you that everything was okay. You have never been happier to see him tying his shoes, doing such a simple and ordinary task. 

“Looks like it,” she laughed, then looked back at you and saw your face relax. “You okay?”.

“I think so,” you breathed out, watching him stand back up and walk around like nothing happened. “I just got scared for a second. That position seemed a little too familiar for my liking,” you nervously laughed. 

“I get it. This stuff has to be stressful for you because of the wrist. It’s normal to get a bit of PTSD,” she said.

“I think I’ll be dead by Week 18 if I keep freaking out over these things,” you joked, placing your hand over your heart. 

Every time he did something different, like flexing his wrist or crouching down weirdly, rubbing a certain part of his body, or sporting a look of discomfort—you were scared shitless. The thought of him getting injured again and having to go through all the pain and suffering was your biggest nightmare. 

End of Flashback 

Then, it was Ja’marr’s situation on the field, a situation that had quickly escalated as everyone was running on pure adrenaline and anger. 

Even Joe, who usually keeps his calm in these scenarios. 

Flashback

“Ja’marr looks pissed, holy shit,” you said as you looked down onto the field and saw him visibly angry at the Refs. 

“Look at Joe trying to swoop in and save his bestie,” Emma laughed as she pointed towards Joe who was running to Ja’marr, then grabbing him to move him away from the Ref. 

“That’s Joe, all right,” you smiled, “Always being Switzerland,”. 

You watched as the situation on the field seemingly fizzled out after that, but then also watched as things quickly heated up again and Ja’marr was going right back in. You leaned forward in your seat, “What the fuck is even happening? Why is he so livid?” you said. 

“I think it might have been related to the play before but I think the fact that the Ref isn’t talking to him is making it worse,” Emma nodded.

“Yeah,” you said quietly, your eyes widening as you watched Joe come back into the situation, this time his entire body language showing that he was not happy. You watched as he pulled Ja’marr away from the Ref and then tried to speak with the Ref himself, only to be interrupted by Ja’marr again.

“Oh my-,” you began to say before your breath hitched in your throat at the sight of Joe roughly pushing Ja’marr away from him. 

"Holy fuck," Emma said in surprise, her eyes widening as she watched the intense scene unfold on the field. Both of you stood there, observing Joe extending an arm to try to keep Ja'marr away, but it was clear that his efforts weren’t working. Joe had to keep pushing Ja'marr back while also giving him a piece of his mind. "Y/N, I've never seen Joe that aggressive before on the field," she pointed out, her voice laced with concern as she continued to watch the tense exchange between the two players.

“Me either. He always keeps his cool, so something bad must have happened for him to get like this,” you agreed, the sight of Joe getting heated on the field both concerning and slightly enticing for you. 

“I didn’t know Joe got rough like that,” Emma laughed, trying to lighten the vibes by teasing you, and oh was it working.

“Very funny, Em,” you said, sending her an intense look and trying to hide your smile even though you were laughing internally at what she was implying. 

“What? I mean, if he’s like that out there I can’t even imagine how he’s like in-,” she started to say before you interrupted her. 

“Emma!” you laughed, your entire body shaking from your reaction. “He’d kill me if he knew we were talking about this,”.

“So that means what I’m saying is true,” she giggled while raising her eyebrow. 

You tried to hide your smile by gently pressing your lips together, but the corners of your mouth gave you away, turning up in a slight but unmistakable grin. Your cheeks, with a rosy, playful blush, gave off warmth, revealing everything without you needing to say a word.

“Daaaaamn, Joe,” she smiled. “Well at least now I know that you have a good sex life,” she winked. 

“Good? It’s fucking phenomenal,” you nonchalantly mumbled which earned a gasp from Emma. 

“Ahhh,” she shrieked, breaking out into a fit of laughter with you. 

Although you were taking a lighthearted approach to the situation, whatever happened on the field didn’t sit well with you. You weren’t sure what was going on with Ja’marr and although you were worried about him, your attention was mostly on Joe. His visible agitation, a stark contrast to his usual composed presence on the field, was concerning. He always kept his cool whenever things went sideways out there because he didn’t like getting worked up. After all, that diverted his focus, but this time it seemed like he lost all of his ability to keep calm–which only meant one thing. 

It was getting to him. This game was getting to him. 

End of Flashback 

As the game went on, he only got more and more frustrated. You could tell he wasn’t happy with his performance and the team’s performance by his body language and the grim yet frustrated look on his face. 

His unhappiness was justified, this game was brutal and although the Bengals had an answer for every play the Chiefs made, there were too many careless mistakes that ended up costing them the game. One thing in particular that you knew Joe would repeatedly think about was his fumble in the 4th quarter which the Chiefs capitalized on and got a free 6 points from. You knew he’d obsess over that play because it was his mistake that cost them the ball and why they got those points. 

If that fumble return didn’t happen, they had a good chance of winning the game, and you knew that thought would haunt Joe for the rest of the night. 

You felt awful about the entire thing, how the team struggled against them, how Joe struggled against them, how their ignorant mistakes that should’ve been cleared up were costing them this important game. 

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did. 

Flashback to the last few seconds of the game 

“I just…I can’t believe we lost,” you said as you blankly stared out onto the field, watching as the clock painfully ticked down. “We were so close…he was so close, I..,” you started to get choked up and said, clutching your ‘9’ necklace in the process. “And he looks so..he looks so sad and disappointed,”. 

Joe.

That is literally all you could think about right now. Not the team, not the fans, not the careless mistakes, not the fact that you lost the game by 1 point and a few bullshit referee calls. 

Just Joe. 

“I know, Y/N. I know,” Emma said as she placed a comforting arm around your shoulder and let you lay your head on her shoulder. 

“And Joe’s probably already beating himself up for this and-,” you began to say before you were interrupted by loud, obnoxious yelling again. 

“How does it feel, girls?” the fan laughed as the same group of men from earlier looked up at you and Emma.

“I swear to fucking god,” Emma whispered before speaking up, “Can you all just shut the fuck up for once in your goddamn lives? Leave her alone you miserable freaks,”. 

“Oooo, someone’s getting defensive,” the other drunk laughed. 

“They seem so sad, awww,” the other man mocked in a child-like voice. “That’s what happens when you support the wrong fucking guy, sweetheart,”.

“He was a shitty quarterback, still is a shitty quarterback, and will forever be a shitty quarterback. You got the short end of the stick, babe,” the other man laughed while raising his cup in the air. “It ain’t too late to switch teams…or switch shirts,” he winked.

“Wait a second,” one of the men said while looking down at his phone. “Holy fuck, look at this y’all,” he said to the other men as he turned his phone around.

“That girl up there is Burrow’s girlfriend. Just came up on my feed,” he said as he glanced up at you and showed you the picture of you and Joe from the sidelines at the last home game which made it onto some sports tabloid. 

“No freaking way!” one of the men obnoxiously laughed. “This bitch is his fucking girlfriend? That’s even more embarrassing for her. Supports a shitty ass team with a lackluster quarterback and is dating him? Man, your standards must be low as fuck,”. 

You held your tongue, clenching your fists to stop yourself from defending Joe and yourself. You didn't want to create a scene, but the want to speak up was strong. Your eyes burned with built-up tears and you knew that if you let them fall, you wouldn't be able to stop. “Please stop,” you thought to yourself, your entire body telling you that you needed to be in Joe’s arms. His warmth, his touch, and his words were what you needed right now. 

"Damn, they’ve been together since his days down in Louisiana. That’s like what? 5 years? Damn, he didn't even bother to put a ring on her finger either. So not only is he a bad football player, but he's also proving to be an even worse boyfriend," one man chuckled, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Or maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to put a ring on her finger. He probably knows she’s a gold digger and is only with him for the money and fame. I mean, look at her? She looks like a slut and is practically asking for all eyes to be on her. Attention whore at it’s finest,” he cackled. 

“Or maybe it’s because Burrow wants to keep his options open. He has to be getting models thrown at him left and right, ain’t no way he hasn’t swooped in on one while being with her. He’s definitely keeping his options open until a hot enough chick comes around and he can ditch this girl. And if one doesn’t, he’ll settle for her and have his homemaker around,” one man laughed. 

“Please…stop,” you whispered, your bottom lip trembling from the anxiety that was spreading through your body. 

“Y/N…let’s just go,” Emma whispered in your ear as she noticed the pain in your eyes. 

“Look at her face, I mean she looks fucking embarrassing,” the man snarled, pointing up at you. “You got something to say or are you as incompetent as your little boyfriend?”. 

“Burrow needs to put that trash to the side and date someone more on his level,” another man howled. “If football doesn’t work for him—which it clearly isn’t because he succckkkkssss,” he yelled. “Fucking a supermodel will give him a lengthy life in the public eye at least,”. 

"Sorry babe, this is what happens when you come into the Reedddddd Kingdommm," the other man said with a sly smile, his voice laced with a hint of mischief as he sang that horrid, cheesy, ear-bleed-inducing tune, his words echoing through your mind along with everything else that was said. 

“Don’t say sorry to her? She knew what she walked into when she showed up in that god-awful number, color, and name,” another man laughed, holding his plastic cup of beer in the air.

You thought he was just raising his cup, but you were so wrong. “Go back to Shittcinnati, slut!” he yelled, throwing his cup at the shield of your suite. 

“Oh my fucking god,” Emma yelled as she quickly pulled you back from the window, both of you watching the cup hit the window and the beer splash everywhere against the shield.

"W- what," you stammered, your voice trembling with fear and confusion. You felt your throat tighten again as panic set in, and your stomach churned with unease. The room seemed to spin as you struggled to make sense of the overwhelming emotions washing over you.

“Hell no, we’re leaving now. This is fucking disgusting,” Emma said as she left your side, grabbed your things, and then led you out of the suite. You were so in shock that it felt like your mind had detached from your body and as if you were watching everything happen from a distance, unable to fully process what was going on.

End of flashback 

You were entirely zoned out for at least 10 minutes as Emma led you down the narrow, dimly lit hallway to the locker room area to see Joe.  It was like you were trapped in a dark, windowless room, the air filled with the smell of sweaty players and damp towels. You didn't know where to go, what to do, or what to say. You felt lost, alone, and out of it, as if the world around you had faded. "What the hell just happened?" you asked yourself, getting lost in the endless abyss that was your thoughts to the point where you barely heard Emma tell you she was going to the bathroom. Your brain wasn’t comprehending what had just happened, but your heart was and it hurt. Their comments hurt, the look in their eyes hurt, and you were hurt. 

“Y/N?” a heavy yet gentle voice said which snapped you back to the present. You turned your head and saw Joe walking towards you, your face quickly turning to a livelier, happier expression to hide your true feelings, he didn’t need to see you like this; not now. His feelings were what you needed to focus on, and given the kind of loss they just had, you knew he had a lot of feelings; yours weren’t as important. 

He pulled you into his chest, tucking your head in his neck and he wrapped his arms around you, “I missed you so much,” he smiled, his strained voice and body telling you how tense he was even if he tried to hide it with his smile.

"I missed you too," you mumbled against him, the rise and fall of his breathing providing a sense of comfort as you felt yourself melt away in the safe bubble that his presence always provided you. The warmth of his embrace surrounded you, and for a moment, everything else faded into the background. 

He let go of your waist and moved his hand up to your cheek, pulling you in for a kiss. His warm lips against yours felt like a breath of fresh air, a breath of fresh air he had no idea you desperately needed. Joe immediately sensed the tension in your body as he kissed you. Normally, you melted into him, but this time your posture was rigid, your shoulders stiff, and your movements hesitant. His lips brushed against yours, but he could feel how dry and cracked they were, a telltale sign you’d been anxiously biting at them for hours. Joe knew this habit all too well; it was something you did when you were nervous, anxious, or lost in thought. 

After lingering for a few seconds, he gently pulled back, his brows furrowed with concern. His eyes locked onto yours with an intensity that made it hard to look away. He could see past the surface–the forced calm and the faint smile. There, in the depth of your eyes, he found what you were trying so hard to hide. The pain, the weight of anxiety, the shadows of doubt–he saw it all.

"Something's wrong," he said quietly but firmly, his voice low. He didn’t look away, holding the gaze as if he dared you to deny what he already knew. His hand gently cupped your face, his thumb rubbing your cheek as he waited for you to let him in.

“N- nothing’s wrong,” you said as you gave him a faint smile, your smile and voice not convincing enough. 

“Y/N, I know you. I know you better than you know yourself, remember?�� he smiled as he echoed what you said to him last week, “Are you okay?” he asked as he tucked your soft hair behind your ear. 

You stayed quiet for a few seconds, not wanting to burden him with your emotions since you knew he already had enough to deal with on his own. But you knew you had to tell him because you couldn’t deal with this on your own. You needed him.  

“No,” you replied with full honesty, tears pooling in your eyes as you thought about everything that happened again. You stared deeply into his tired blue eyes, noticing that there was something he was hiding from you too. “Are you okay?” you asked him, praying he didn’t brush you off like he did last week. 

“No,” he quickly replied with the same honesty you gave him, his face dropping once he admitted that he wasn’t okay, and you knew exactly why. “But we can talk about that back at home,” he added, a wave of relief washing over you once you heard him say that because that implied he wasn’t going to shut you out again.

“O- okay,” you nodded as you felt him move his hand down to yours, then pull you over to a more secluded area away from the staff, players, and anyone that would overhear anything that was meant to be private. He saw the look in your eyes and that set off a siren in his head, something had happened and you were hiding it from him. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Joe asked again softly as he turned to face you, his voice laced with concern. His hand found yours, his fingers gently rubbing circles on the back of your left hand in an absentminded but soothing gesture that he knew would calm you down. “You look shaken up,” he continued, his brow furrowing as his eyes scanned your face for any clue you might give him. “Did something happen that you’re not telling me about?” His voice was gentle, but the worry in his tone was obvious. His thumb traced slow, rhythmic patterns across your knuckles, a silent reassurance that he was here and that he wouldn’t let go until you told him what was weighing on you.

You took a deep breath before looking into his eyes again, seeing that it was just Joe. You could talk to him; you could talk to him about anything because he made it very clear to you that he was always going to be there for you no matter what. He was your safety net, you could fall back and he would catch you every time. 

“Something…something happened up at the suite,” you began to say, Joe’s eyes instantly softening because he knew what you were about to say. His biggest concern, his biggest fear when it came to you and football had come to life. 

You took a deep breath, bracing yourself before beginning to remember everything. The words came out slowly at first, but once you started, it felt like a dam had burst. You told Joe everything–their horrible comments, their slurred insults, the throwing of the drink (which really pissed Joe off), and the crude remarks they’d made about you both. Every vile comment they tossed around about you, about your relationship, seemed to sting more as you repeated them. 

Joe stood silently, his face a mixture of pain and anger, but his hand never left yours. As you spoke, you could feel the tremble in your voice, the knot tightening in your chest as you tried to fight back your tears. It was clear that repeating everything was breaking something inside you. You paused for a moment, your voice cracking as you glanced up at him and tried to read his reaction.

It broke Joe’s heart to see you like this, struggling to hold yourself together. His chest tightened as he watched you fight back tears, trying to stay strong while reliving something that clearly hurt you so deeply. Each word you spoke felt like another blow, not just to him, but to you, and it killed him that he hadn’t been there to protect you from it.

“Y/N…I’m so sorry,” he softly said as he pulled you into his arms, your tears threatening to come out from this and the way he rubbed gentle circles around your back. “I’m so-,” he started to say before he got choked up. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he finished. 

“It’s okay, Joe,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper as you hid your face in his chest. 

“No, it’s not,” he said, his voice laced with anger now that he was realizing what happened. 

The fans. The fans of the sport he plays. They hurt the most important, valuable, and special thing in this world. They hurt you.

Joe could feel the anger boiling under his skin as he fought back the urge to go find these assholes and teach them a few things about what happened when they messed with the love of his life. He was also considering going out and finding the head of security or someone who handled these things and ripping one to them, but once he felt how you were shaking in his arms, he let those thoughts go. He knew you needed him more than you needed to see those assholes’ heads on a platter which is why he kept his anger inside and instead focused on comforting you. 

“I’m gonna see if I can get out of this conference so we can just go home,” Joe said after he pressed a comforting kiss to your head. 

“N- No,” you said as you moved your head from his chest. “I don’t want you to skip out on it because of me,”. 

“But baby-,”.

“Joe, no. Please,” you pleaded as you cupped his cheeks and ran your thumbs along his soft skin. “I’m going to be fine, I promise. You still have a job to do and I don’t want to take you away from that,” you said as you gave him a small smile.

His heart broke as he saw your bloodshot eyes, knowing he was the reason you were in this situation. He felt so guilty, realizing that if it weren’t for his presence in your life those men wouldn’t have said such awful things to you. 

What hurt him even more was knowing he couldn’t be there for you the way you truly needed. He could listen, but it wasn’t enough. He felt helpless, wanting to fix everything but knowing all he could do right now was hold your hand while you tried not to fall apart.

“Are you sure? I don’t fucking care about standing in front of a bunch of reporters who are going to ask me the same exact question 10 different times. I care about you and making sure you’re okay,” he said as he placed his hands on yours and gave them a gentle squeeze before kissing your palm.

You took a deep breath and then looked back into his eyes, seeing deep anger & sadness in them. Although you wanted him to skip and comfort you, you didn’t want to take him away from what he had to do. You never wanted to take him away from football. “Positive. Go do what you have to do, I’m going to be fine. Besides, I should get going for my flight,” you said, trying to give him a reassuring smile.

He took a deep breath as he felt himself being pulled in two different directions. He wanted to stay with you so badly but one, he knew you wouldn’t let him, and two, he wasn’t even sure if he was allowed to skip the conference. He gave himself a mental slap out of guilt for leaving you before giving you a small nod, “Okay,” he said. “I’ll see you in a few hours,” he added as he pulled you back into his embrace. “I love you,” he said as he dropped a kiss on your forehead. 

You pressed a gentle kiss against his neck before tucking your head back into his chest, “I love you too,” you mumbled. The heat of his skin radiated against your cheek, and it only made you feel worse. You knew that the warmth wasn't just physical; it mirrored the anger and frustration building inside him, the emotions he was trying to hold back for you.

“Nothing’s gonna hurt you, baby,” he whispered in your ear before holding you tighter. “Not as long as I’m here,”. 

You took another deep breath as you felt yourself melt away in his arms, wishing for him to never let go because this hug was the only time you felt at ease all day, but you always had the worst luck. 

“I gotta go,” he said softly, pulling away from the hug. The look on your face stopped him for a few seconds–it was a mix of hurt and longing that pulled at his heart. Every instinct in him screamed to pull you back into his arms and never let go, but he forced himself to step away, even though it felt like the hardest thing he’d ever done.

“Okay,” you nodded, looking down at your feet as you took another deep breath and tried to hold back your tears for maybe the 50th time in the past hour.

He used his hand to lift your chin up before cupping your cheek again and pulling you in for another kiss, this one filled with passion & reassurance. As he pulled away, he whispered “Everything’s going to be alright,” against your pink lips. “I promise,”.  

Just before stepping into the conference room, he looked back at you. His heart dropped as he saw you close your eyes and take a deep breath, your hands subtly moving to wipe away the tears you thought you had hidden from him. 

“I hate this fucking city. She doesn’t deserve any of this,” Joe thought to himself as he turned around and walked into the room, the tension in his body palpable as he struggled to keep his cool. 

No one could disrespect you like that and get away with it. Joe wasn’t going to let it happen, even though he knew you didn’t want him to say anything because you wanted to avoid a scene. His protective instinct was stronger than his desire to keep the peace, it was always that way with you.

A half-hour later 

The next half-hour passed by quickly and before you knew it, you were back on the plane and heading home. Joe had chartered you and Emma a private plane for your trip home and at first, you were slightly annoyed by his grandness–telling him that you didn’t need all this and that you were just a girl and could go on a normal flight like everyone else–but now had gained a new-found appreciation because you really didn’t want to be around other people right now. This private flight gave you the quietness you so badly needed, or so you thought. 

You changed into something more comfortable, slipping into one of his sweatshirts that still carried his comforting scent, a comfort that helped calm you for the moment. Emma was curled up in the back, taking a power nap while you scrolled through your phone, watching clips from the game. The familiar sounds and sights provided a distraction, even if just for a little while.

You found yourself laughing at a clip of Joe making a funny face on the sidelines, “His football faces are hysterical,” you mumbled to yourself before you saw a notification pop up on your screen.

It was a text from your sister with a link to a tweet. 

your sister: link 🔗 

your sister: what’s going on??

You raised your eyebrow out of confusion before tapping on the link, your eyes widening as you saw the caption of the video that was tweeted. 

“Click here to see a rare statement made by Joe Burrow regarding his personal life and his girlfriend, Y/N,”. 

“Oh, fuck,” you whispered, feeling your stomach churn. A wave of nausea washed over you, tightening your insides and catching you off guard. 

When you clicked on the video, you felt the wave of sadness come back as you saw Joe standing at the podium. He looked tired and worn out, with his face showing how exhausted and defeated he felt. As you watched him, you felt a sense of worry and concern, realizing the seriousness of the situation. 

"How frustrating is this loss, Joe?" a reporter asked him.

You watched him take a deep breath before answering the question, hesitance clear in his body language. “As frustrating as I’ve had,” his words were weighed down by the burden he carried in his heart. “This one stings a bit, we just couldn’t get it done. Felt good about the game plan, I was seeing it well…uhh..you know, just didn’t do enough to get it done,”. 

You had a single tear running down your cheek, showing that the strong emotions you were trying to hold back were breaking through the wall you built. His words painted a picture of pain, a picture of pain you had never seen. He wasn’t acting like his usual self and you had never seen him so low after a loss, and that’s including the Super Bowl. Was this because of you? Or was this because of the game?

Whatever it was, you could tell he was hurting. He was hurting badly.

“Where do you go from here? 0-2 isn’t unfamiliar territory for you, but where does Joe Burrow go from here? How are you feeling? What is the level of urgency?” another reporter asked him, Joe’s eyes dropping down to the side as he avoided looking into the reporter’s eyes.

“I need to give him a hug,” you thought to yourself as you let out a soft sob. You just wanted to take all of his pain away, he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to feel like he let anyone down like this loss was all on him. He didn’t deserve to hurt like this. 

“Uhh,” he nervously mumbled. “I still feel good, you know…There’s a lot of work to be done, a lot of things to fix,” he sighed as he looked down for a few seconds. “The urgency is very high. We just need to go out and get a win. We have to do better, I…I have to do better,” he added, his shaky voice breaking your heart. His voice cracked on the last part, a sound you hadn’t heard from him before. It was subtle, but enough to break your heart. The vulnerability was right there just beneath the surface like he was walking on the fine line between keeping it together and falling apart. His eyes shimmered in the bright lights of the room–though no tears fell–and for a second, you thought he might break, but he held it in. 

What you saw was the kind of pain that came from someone who felt like they were carrying the world on their shoulders and didn’t know how much longer they could keep standing.

The clip then cut to the end of his press conference. Usually, he’d glance around the room before saying, “Thanks guys” and walking off the podium, but this time he didn’t exactly do that. He did his normal look around the room, but instead of walking off, he spoke up again. 

“Before I go, I just wanted to say something and I know this is very uncharacteristic of me but this is the only way I could think of getting this across,” he said as he looked around the room for nods of approval, which he got. 

He couldn’t keep it in, he had to say something. 

“I know I usually don’t talk about my private life or my girlfriend, Y/N,” he said as his eyes drooped to the floor but quickly moved back up. “And I do that to protect her and a part of my life that I keep very close to my heart, but silence can only protect things for so long. She’s been to every single one of my games for the past 5 years and not once has she ever felt scared, harassed, and disrespected–but she did tonight and I couldn’t do anything to help her.

So that’s why I need to say this,” he continued, his voice becoming stronger and more determined. “If you have something to say about me, my career, my life–literally anything,” he paused, gripping the podium even tighter as if it were the only thing keeping his emotions in check. “Say it to my face.”

There was fierceness in his tone now, a protective edge that cut through the room. “Y/N didn’t sign up for this life. I did,” he said, his voice stable and full of confidence. His eyes scanned the crowd, daring anyone to say anything to him. 

“The awful things that were said to her this evening are things I would have never thought would be said to her, but here we are,” he sighed. “And I know you all are probably confused as to what I’m talking about, but there are people out there who know exactly what I’m talking about and that’s what matters. In all the years that she’s been with me, not once has she ever been in this position before, and the fact that this happened here? Tonight?” he added while shaking his head, his piercing eyes now filled with fire. 

“She doesn’t deserve to be treated like this just because she supports me. So from now on, if anyone has something to say, leave her out of it. The fans tonight…they should be ashamed of themselves for harassing a girl that they don’t even know. That’s not going to earn you any brownie points with anyone. It’s just downright disgusting, pathetic, and embarrassing. This woman has been by my side through thick and thin, through every single up and down since my first year at LSU. She knows me better than anyone does, and she’s the single most important thing to me—even more important than football. She’s my support system, my best friend, home in human form, my person,” his eyes darken, anger and protectiveness mixing together. 

“Nobody has the right to make her feel unwelcomed because she’s my girlfriend. Nobody has the right to pass any lewd comments about her. Nobody has the right to say anything about our private relationship. If I ever hear anyone say a single thing about her, I’m not going to just brush it off,” he said, his words as sharp as the look in his eyes. “I protect the things I love which means I will protect her no matter what. Call me out, insult me, trash my name all you want. But I draw the line at Y/N. If you have anything to say, say it to my fucking face. Leave her alone,” he said before pausing for a few seconds. He held the silence that followed for a few more seconds, the severity of what he was saying took everyone by surprise because they had never seen Joe like this. The looks on all their faces told him that they heard him loud and clear even though none of this was directed at them. Then, with a last look at the room, he pushes away from the podium, his broad shoulders tense and stiff from anger, and walks off without another word.

“Oh my god,” you sniffled, wiping away the tears that were rapidly sliding down your cheeks. “Oh my god,”.

You couldn’t believe he actually said something, and he said it so publicly. 

Joe was never one to speak so candidly about his personal life, especially when it came to you. He was always careful, intentionally private, keeping the most intimate parts of his world hidden away from the scrutiny of the outside. It wasn’t that he didn’t want people to know how much he cared about you–if anything, it was the opposite. He knew all too well the potential effects of letting everything out in the open; the extreme opinions, the relentless criticism, the intrusion into your lives that could come crashing down if he let his guard down for even a moment.

He always tried to shield you from that. His love wasn’t about grand displays or public statements; it was in the quiet moments, the gentle looks, and the way he held your hand just a little tighter when the world around him was too loud. He kept you out of the spotlight as much as he could, not because he was ashamed, but because he wanted to protect you from the ugly side of his world–the part that didn’t care about your feelings or boundaries. 

But even Joe knew that silence could only go so far. Eventually, its weight would press down, creating a wall between you and the life he lived every day. And tonight, when you felt disrespected and harassed just for being there for him, it broke the carefully kept distance he’d worked so hard to build.

So now that he had actually said something, you couldn’t help but feel a little worried. You were a lowkey kind of girlfriend; the majority of fans knew you were dating Joe but you were never the kind of girlfriend to flaunt that you had the most desired NFL player wrapped around your finger. What he just did…what he just said put the spotlight on you and you were terrified that this would do more harm than good. Especially for him. 

But you knew that this was Joe. 

Your Joe.

You knew how much he tried to keep this part of his life away from the public eye and the fact that he went out and said something was enough to tell you that he wouldn’t let anything hurt you. He wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt you, he meant what he said. 

Nothing was going to hurt you as long as he was with you. 

An hour or so later 

“I’ll see you soon, okay?” Emma said to you as she pulled you in for a hug, swaying you back and forth on the doorstep of your home. 

“Are you sure you can’t stay until tomorrow?” you asked as you pulled away from the hug.

“I wish I could but you know I have that meeting in the morning,” she pouted as she picked up her bag. 

“Right,” you nodded. “Get some sleep on the flight, okay? It’ll be pretty late by the time you get back home and you need to be fresh tomorrow for your big meeting,” you added.

“You need to get some sleep too, Y/N,” she said while patting your back. “I know Joe is only an hour or so behind you, but you should get some sleep. Today was rough,”. 

You wished you could get some sleep, but your mind was moving at the speed of light right now so sleep was completely out of the question. You were wide awake. “I’ll try,” you lied with a faint smile. You knew Joe would be wide awake too, his brain was probably moving faster than the speed of light and you could just picture him staring out of the plane window, jaw clenched and eyes focused as he thought about everything over and over. He’d go through the motions of what went wrong, then run through it again and try to find ways he could’ve fixed it–even though the game was longgggg over.

But that was just Joe. This was a part of his process and there wasn’t much you could do other than be there for him whenever he got out of his head and needed someone to talk to.

“Don’t worry too much,” she added with a sincere smile. “Everything will be fine as long as you have Joe with you,” she said, her words matching exactly what Joe said to you earlier and what he showed during his press conference. 

“Yeah,” you breathed out, “I know,”.

She was right though, it would be fine as long as he was by your side. You needed to keep reminding yourself that he wouldn’t let anything or anyone hurt you. 

—

After finishing up your conversation with Emma, you walked her to her waiting Uber and exchanged one last goodbye before watching the car pull away. As you came back into the house, you sank down onto a barstool at the kitchen island, your mind swirling with a mix of emotions and thoughts that needed sorting.

You thought that Joe would most likely be in a mood once he got home since he had all the time on the plane to drive himself insane by reliving the game over and over. You hoped his mood would be slightly better than how it was last week after the game, not knowing if you had it in you to deal with everything if he came home with the same mindset and attitude as last week.

Add the fan situation to the mix and then you had the perfect recipe for a ‘stand-off angry Joe’ who would blame himself for absolutely everything and push you away while he self-destructed. You knew he would blame himself for the drunk idiots and their disgusting words towards you even though it was far from his fault, and you knew that it wouldn’t be easy to get him to move past it. You just couldn’t have him shut you out again, you needed him to talk to you more than anything this time. 

You shook your head, “Stop, Y/N. He said he’d talk to me once he got home and he meant that. He knows that he can’t put himself in that situation again and shut himself down. I don’t need to worry,” reminding yourself of what he said to you earlier and the week before. “If he happens to be in a mood then I just need to do something to stop him from being in a mood. He’ll open up to me on his own terms, I can’t push him too hard,” you nodded as you looked up. 

You wanted to talk to him about everything more than anything, wanted to pick at his brain and allow him to open up to you, but you knew better than to push him too hard. He hated being cornered, but you also couldn’t let him hide under his shell. Easing him into it and allowing him to naturally come to you is what you needed him to do. If he came back in a mood, you knew you’d need something to act as a buffer, something to soak up the weight of his emotions before they pulled him back to the edge like last time. You needed to do something to ease his tension while distracting him for a little bit before he started to unpack the weight of his emotions onto you. 

Your eyes moved to the TV, putting on one of his favorite movies would work, right?

“No, he’d just zone out and think about the game,” you whispered to yourself as you slipped off the barstool. 

Your eyes then moved to the couch, cuddling would work, right?

“Mm, Mm,” you shook your head. “Quiet time and cuddling would let the voices in his head get louder,”. 

Your eyes moved toward the kitchen, and suddenly an idea sparked as your eyes landed on the small orange pumpkin decoration you’d placed by the knives–an early start on your fall decorating. A smile tugged at the corners of your lips as the solution hit you. "Pumpkin pie," you whispered to yourself, a grin rising on your face. "Obviously."

Pumpkin Pie was more than just a dessert for Joe; it was more of a feeling of comfort or a reminder that even when everything felt like it was crumbling, there would still be little joys to be found in the little things. You could never get sick of the childlike smile on his adorable face when he gets the first whiff of cinnamon and nutmeg. You wanted to see him that happy all the time, and you were determined to make that happen. 

“Hopefully that’ll work if he comes back acting like The Hulk,” you giggled as you walked into the pantry and started gathering all the ingredients you’d need to make his favorite dessert. This was a great distraction (for the time being) for him because it would let him drift away from football for a little bit. This was a great distraction for him and an even better distraction for you, even if you didn’t want to admit it. Deep down, you were still shaken up over everything that happened at the game, and sitting in this big, empty house with nothing but your thoughts for company? You knew exactly where that would lead. You had just as much of a tendency to spiral as Joe did, maybe even more than him sometimes. 

You might not have realized that by focusing so much on his emotions, you were ignoring your own. You were used to being the calm and steady support for him, but it took a toll on you. Comforting him and worrying about his stress made you bury your own feelings, convincing yourself that they didn't matter as much as his.

By concentrating on him, you could avoid dealing with your own feelings, which is exactly what you’re doing right now. But eventually, everything you were holding back would catch up with you. For now, it was easier to pretend that baking this pie is enough, that it's the solution to both your problems.

—

The hour passed by pretty quickly as you worked on the Pie for Joe. You found yourself forgetting about the game as you bounced around the kitchen while you made the sweet dessert for him. Baking was often a big stress reliever for you and you always found yourself letting loose while accidentally covering yourself in loads of flour and sugar. You loved to bake and Joe loved to eat what you baked, it was the perfect dynamic. 

You had placed the Pie in the oven not too long ago and were now cleaning up, the TV in the background however had quickly snapped you out of your playful daze. 

The channel on the TV was showing an analysis of the game and your ears couldn’t help but perk up every time they mentioned Joe. They were showing constant replays of all the moments Joe was frustrated during the game, on the field, and on the sidelines. They were talking about how the Bengals should have won this game and how Joe outperformed Patrick. They were saying that this loss would for sure put a dent into the team’s confidence going forward, even going as far as talking about how their playoff odds were rapidly decreasing as well.

“A bunch of fucking idiots,” you mumbled under your breath as you stared up at the TV, your eyes welling with tears yet again without you even realizing it. How could they count them out so early? How could they count out Joe so early?

Then the TV showed a clip from his post-game press conference which really did it for you because you had to hear him mention the events from earlier that you were trying so hard to ignore. 

“It was just not a good day overall for Joe. He didn’t play as well as he usually does, even made some terrible mistakes that were very unlike him to do…and his post-game conference showed a side of him none of us have ever seen. He seems distracted, unlike how he usually is out on the field. Was last year the last time we saw that ‘Elite QB’ that he claims he is? Is there a bigger issue than the team’s unpreparedness that is affecting his game? Is his personal life burdening him and serving as a distraction?” the analyst said. 

You knew how intense his life was, and how demanding football could be. You had always tried to make things easier for him. But what if in trying to be supportive, you were unknowingly adding to the pressure? 

Was his personal life burdening him? Were you burdening him?

“Why does this always have to happen to him?” you sobbed, the words coming out before you could stop them. It was like the emotional dam you had built had just burst and all the feelings you’d held back for hours–maybe even longer–were rushing out. Your floury hands gripped the counter as your tears fell down and mixed with the sprinkled flour all around the marble top. 

You couldn’t keep it in anymore. The pressure, the criticism Joe was under, it was all so suffocating. Every time he had a bad game or a few bad moments, it was like the world turned against him. People couldn’t wait for him to slip up just so they could tear him down. 

“He works s- so hard, they just don’t get it,” you cried as you wiped your eyes with the back of your hand. “He’s trying so hard, they don’t see how much pressure he puts on himself,”. 

But this wasn’t just about him, it was about you too. The pressure you put on yourself for always being the strong one, being strong for him, was suffocating. You were tired of acting like it didn’t hurt; the comments and the criticism not only about him but about you too. 

“Is it my fault? Am I pushing him too much? When I tell him how great he is and remind him of all the amazing shit he’s done, is that making him feel too pressured to be that guy again?” you sniffled. 

You were starting to blame yourself for everything, which is the last thing you should have been doing. This was far from your fault, but your brain was so clouded by negativity and the lingering words of those drunk men for you to be able to think clearly. All you could see was everything you said to him that could have made him lose his focus and cause all this. You couldn’t see that this was all because of everything else around him—the media, the outside noise. 

“And I shouldn’t have told him about what ha- happened at the suite,” you said as your sobs got louder. “He’s not focused because of me. It’s my fault,” you cried, your breaths getting shorter and shorter as your heart started racing. 

Before you think about anything else, you hear the buzzing sound of the garage opening fill your ears. 

Joe was home. 

“Fuck,” you quickly wiped your tears and switched the TV to a different channel before he came in. He didn’t need to see you like this, especially since you thought that him seeing you like this was the root cause of all of this. You were supposed to be strong, so you needed to act like it. His support system crumbling wasn’t what he needed right now because who would be there for him when he needed someone? 

You heard the door open behind you and quickly fixed your face before you turned around to see him, and what you saw broke your heart again. You immediately noticed the bags under his eyes, the defeated look on his face, and his miserable body language. 

You patted your floury hands on your sweatpants before walking over to him, grabbing his wrist, and pulling him in for a tight hug. You felt him relax against you before you placed a hand around the nape of his neck and pushed his head into the crook of your neck. “Hey,” he whispered against you as you started threading your fingers through his hair. 

“Hi,” you whispered as you placed a kiss on his warm cheek, feeling him let out a breath that sounded like he’d been holding it in for a while. 

“I missed you,” he said while slightly shifting his head to look at you, an adorable boyish pout on his face. 

“I know,” you smiled at him while leaning down to press a kiss to his lips. “I missed you too,”. 

He leaned down to your neck, “Was your flight okay?” he asked you as he peppered it with slow, soft kisses, his gentle touches slowly relieving the tension you had inside of you. 

“Yeah,” you lied, not mentioning how most of it was spent thinking about everything he said in his post-game press conference. “Was your flight okay?” you asked him.

“It was alright,” he sighed. “I didn’t get much sleep so I just killed time by staring out the window or reading that book you got me,” he said. 

“Wait, are you tired?” you asked as you let go of him; thinking that he’d be wide awake was a mistake. Why would he be wide awake? He had a rough game and even rougher post-game, he was probably so tired. 

“No, No,” he shook his head, his hands settling on either side of your hips and preventing you from moving too far away from him. “I’m wide awake but I tried to sleep on the plane just to pass the time. Obviously, that didn’t work though,” he softly laughed, his nose wiggling a few seconds later. “What smells good?” he asked, that childlike smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he caught a whiff of the cinnamon and nutmeg. 

You let out a small giggle before leaning up to press another kiss to his lips, “Pumpkin Pie,” you said a few seconds later, now feeling his hands wrap around your torso. 

“For me?” he asked while raising an eyebrow, a playful smirk rising on his lips. His hand slipped under your shirt, the warmth of his hand radiating through your skin and sending waves of comfort throughout your body. It was as if his touch had the power to quiet every worry in your mind and body, grounding you in a way he didn’t even realize. 

You let out a dramatic sigh, “Nah, it’s for my other 6’3 quarterback boyfriend. He should be coming around in a few minutes,” you teased. 

“Ha. Ha,” he laughed monotonously before continuing, “The only 6’3 quarterback boyfriend you need is already here. Thanks, baby,” he smiled a few seconds later as he pulled you even closer and pulled you up for a kiss. This one was a bit spicier than the others as his lips were instantly tugging on your bottom lip while he casually slipped his tongue into your mouth, earning a soft but sultry moan from you. His laugh vibrated through his chest and into the kiss, a shift in his energy fully visible. It was playful but with an edge. 

“Mmm,” you hummed as you placed your hands on his chest and gently pushed him back. “As much as I would love to keep that going, you’ve got a sweet treat to eat,” you winked.

“Oh,” he said while raising his eyebrows. “Okay, let’s go upstairs then,” he smirked while grabbing your hand and jokingly pulling you towards the stairs. 

“Joeee,” you said while pulling him back. “Not that kind of sweet treat,” you added which you received a pouty look from him in return. “...Okaaaaay, maybe later?”. 

Normally he’d respond with another flirty comment but when he stared into your eyes a little more carefully and noticed how red and puffy they were, all playfulness left his body as all he could think about was the fact that you had likely been crying, likely because of him and he knew that. 

“Y/N…” he began to say before you interrupted him. 

“Come sit down, I’ll pull the Pie out and cut you a slice,” you smiled while grabbing his hand and leading him back over to the kitchen island, not giving him a second to say anything. Even when you were clearly upset, you still were only thinking about him. 

“I don’t deserve her,” he thought to himself as he watched you plaster a smile on your face and focus on him and only him. “I don’t deserve her at all. I feel so guilty for everything that happened to her, especially because it’s all my fault, and she’s still only thinking about me? ”. 

You oftentimes did this, focusing on Joe and only him while ignoring everything else around you. He was the center of your universe and everything else around you faded into the background. This habit of yours formed early on in your relationship back at LSU. Then, it was all about supporting him through his tiring practices, stressful exams, and important games. You devoted yourself to making sure he felt loved, understood, and cared for while he tried to make his mark on the field. 

And now, even after all these years, your habit still hasn’t changed.

Joe saw it every time, the way you focused on him, how you gave him every ounce of your attention all the time. He didn’t say much about it, but you knew he noticed. The look in his eyes would always soften, as if he both loved and hated the fact that you put him first. 

It had been like that through the whirlwind of college football, and now in the glimmer of the NFL spotlight. You were always by his side, pouring all of your energy into him and sometimes leaving none for yourself. He knew you like the back of his hand so he could tell when you were giving more than you could handle. He appreciated you so much, you were his anchor but he worried about you–worried that you carried too much of his weight without letting yourself be vulnerable too. 

Even tonight, when you should’ve been taking care of yourself, you were focused on him–it was always him. It had been this way for so long, and while he knew you’d never stop looking out for him, he hoped that you’d let him do the same for you on the same level you did for him. As much as he needed you, he also knew that you needed him just as much, even if you didn’t always admit it. 

“What did I do to deserve you?” he said again, this time out loud as he slipped onto a barstool and rested his chin on his hand. 

“Great question. You must have done some severe manifestation to bag me,” you teased as you spun around to take out a plate from the cabinet. 

Joe let out a soft chuckle, “Severe manifestation, stalking your Insta for about 2 weeks to see if you had a guy already before asking you out, memorizing your class schedule and your favorite lunch spots so I could ‘accidentally’ run into you…it’s all the same,” but stopped once he saw you take only one plate out from the cabinet. “You’re not eating?” he asked with furrowed eyebrows. 

“Not hungry,” you said while flashing him the fakest smile possible as you placed the plate down in front of him before turning around to pull the Pie out of the oven. Who were you kidding? You were so hungry to the point where you could legit eat one of those fake display fruits people put out. The only thing you’d had to eat today was a bottle of orange juice and a few bites of a banana muffin this morning—other than the Vodka Cran you had during the game. You just didn’t think you could stomach anything during or after the game because your stomach was in literal knots. 

You hoped that he didn’t realize you were lying to him but one thing about Joe was that he could always tell when you were lying to him. He paid extra attention to the little things about you–the sudden lightness in your voice, avoiding eye contact with him, and the oh-so-obvious fake smile. He hated when he noticed these signs because that meant you weren’t being truthful with him for whatever reason. 

Without saying a word, he got up from his chair and walked around the island to the kitchen cabinets. You saw him moving out of the corner of your eye just as you were closing the oven and carefully placing the warm pumpkin pie on the counter.

“What?” he asked you, noticing that you were staring at him as he pulled out another plate and set it on the island next to his. 

“Why’d you take out another one?” you asked him before you moved the Pie plate over to the island and set it near the dinner plates. Joe let out a soft laugh, the adorable crinkles in the corner of his eyes popping out as placed a gentle hand on both sides of your shoulders from behind and walked you back over to the island barstools.

“For you, silly,” he chuckled in your ear, then pressed a quick kiss to your cheek before walking back to the kitchen.

“But I’m not hungry,” you said as your eyes followed him around the kitchen, watching him take out a knife and a can of whipped cream from the fridge. 

“Look at who you’re talking to,” he smiled as he began cutting a slice of Pie. I know you like the back of my hand, Y/N. I know you haven’t eaten anything all day because I know you never eat before or during a game because you want to wait so you can eat with me. Also, you feel like if you eat something you’re going to throw it up during halftime because of your nerves,”. 

Your eyes softened as you watched him set a slice on your plate, and then use the whipped cream to add a small heart on top. 

He knew you and your habits all too well. You shouldn’t be surprised though, this was Joe. He noted and noticed everything about you and had been doing it since the day you first met. It first started off as him noting how you liked your morning coffees before classes (so he could show up at your dorm with it and have an excuse to walk you to class) and noticing how you’d start fidgeting with the birthstone ring on your right hand whenever you felt anxious in crowded public settings (parties, at his practices, his games). Whenever he saw you doing that, he made sure to stop whatever he was doing and tend to your needs–doing whatever you needed him to do without questioning it.

Now, it had led to him noting how you liked your morning protein smoothies (so he could make them for you, obviously) before you went in for your morning workout in the gym he had designed for the both of you in your shared home. And then it was noticing all your little habits, such as fidgeting with the birthstone necklace he gave you—which had his birthstone on it—whenever you felt anxious now. 

Reminding yourself of how beautifully things had changed and flourished in your relationship, how Joe so easily flipped your entire world upside down by just looking into your eyes one hot afternoon during a football practice you and your friends stumbled into, always brought a smile to your face. Even in moments when you were far from happy.

That was just the Joe effect.  

You watched as he set a slice on his plate, then added whipped cream to his before placing everything down and joining you on the other side of the island. He sat down on his stool and turned to look at you and saw that you were too far from him, which he wasn’t having for even a second. 

“Mm Mm, too far,” he shook his head as he grabbed the beam of your stool and pulled you over, a small shriek leaving your lips at how he easily pulled you over as if he was pulling a feather over. 

Your knees were pretty much bumping into each other, that’s just how close he pulled you over. It was such a small gesture, but the significance was far more deeper. He wanted you close in every single way possible. 

“My big strong man,” you giggled as you placed a hand on his knee, giving it a soft squeeze and then starting to rub it through his sweatpants’ fabric. He leaned over and started peppering featherlight kisses around your jawline and down to your neck, his lips so soft and plush-like. “But I really don’t think I can stomach the Pie regardless of how good it probably is,” you laughed. 

Joe leaned back to stare into your eyes, the redness in them mocking him and his efforts to make you feel better. It was a reminder of how well you hid your feelings from him, something you both had in common. You both would hide your feelings from each other in order to protect each other. He wanted nothing more than to sweep you up in his arms and take away the hurt that hid behind those beautiful, tear-stained eyes, but this was all he could do for you right now without pushing you too much. 

“Please? For me?” he pouted, sticking his bottom lip out and placing his hand over yours which was rubbing his knee. He cupped your hand and flipped it so he could intertwine your fingers, then picked it up and pressed gentle kisses on the back of your hand while staring into your eyes. Both actions cause a feeling of comforting warmth to fill your stomach. 

You really didn’t feel like eating anything, but you did all this to take his mind off the game and lighten his mood, and not doing what he asked wasn’t going to help at all. The pouty look on his face was your biggest weakness so that wasn’t helping either, you could never say no to that adorable face. “Okayyy,” you giggled, giving in to his ask and then seeing his entire body light up when you grabbed the fork. 

“That’s my girl,” he smiled as his baby blue eyes lit up with a warmth that made your heart skip a beat. He then leaned in and pressed another soft kiss to your cheek, the gentle touch lingering long enough for your belly to flutter. 

He then picked up his fork and dug into the pie, taking a big, generous first bite. His face went from playful to pure bliss at the first taste of the cinnamon and pumpkin. “Oh, babyyyy,” he groaned, closing his eyes for a second as he savored the taste. “This is so fucking good,”. 

“That sounds all too familiar,” you smirked while raising an eyebrow at the sounds and words that left his mouth. 

“Dirty dirty mind,” he shook his head and laughed while chewing on the pie in his mouth. 

You smiled as you watched him take more bites of the pie, feeling a bit better because of his reaction. The tension in your body, for a second, seemed to fizzle out as you watched him enjoy what you did for him. The warmth of the kitchen, smell of the fresh pie, and the soft sounds of the TV in the background made everything feel normal again–like a safe space where you both could just be yourselves. 

He took another bite, his eyes darting over to you as you continued to stare at him with hearteyes, “I’m serious, you’ve outdone yourself,” he said, his voice muffled with a mouthful of pie. “Don’t know what I’d do without you..or this pie,” he winked. 

“I love you,” you blushed as you leaned over and pressed a wet kiss to his cheek.

“I love you more, but,” he said as he swallowed the bite in his mouth, “You’re still not eating,”. 

You looked down and saw the fork in your hand and the untouched pie next to you, realizing you were so caught up in watching him that you hadn’t had any of the pie yourself. 

“Oops,” you said while pursing your lips and staring down at the dessert. 

Joe used his fork and stuck it into your pie, slicing a generous piece out before using his other hand to lift your chin. “Open up,” he said, raising his eyebrows and holding the fork in front of your mouth.

You laughed softly, “Seriously?”. The look in his charming eyes told you that he was 100% serious. 

“Come on, you’ve gotta eat something,” he insisted, his tone a mix of teasing and genuine sincerity. He moved the fork closer, allowing the sweet smell of pumpkin to enter your nose while he rested his other hand on your knee this time, squeezing and rubbing just like you were doing to his knee. 

You rolled your eyes before leaning in and opening your mouth to take a bite, the moment the pie touched your tongue you felt the warmth and sweetness explode in your mouth. Man, were you good at baking. 

Joe attentively watched your reaction as you chewed on the slice of pie, a look of satisfaction on his face as he watched you swallow the bite. “See? Isn’t that good?” he asked. 

You nodded, not being able to hide the smile rising on your face. “Yeah, you were right,” you giggled, the spices lingering on your tongue. “That’s soooooooooo good. But I think it tasted even better because you were feeding me,” you winked.

“Well, there’s more cominggggg,” he grinned as he stuck his fork in your pie again and picked up another bite before bringing it up to your mouth. “Woooosh,” the noise coming from his mouth mimicking a rocket ship as he zig-zagged his hand around. 

You smiled and stared at him for a few seconds, your heart swelling at the look in his eyes. It was a look of comfort, of relaxation. Last week, the look in his eyes was cold, it was tense. But this time, it was just filled with ease and love and it was all because of you. 

“Aaaaah,” you said as you opened your mouth for another bite of the delicious pie being fed to you by your favorite person on the planet. 

—

After letting him feed you the rest of your pie, he gathered your dirty dishes and brought them over to the sink before coming back to his barstool and sitting down next to you again. He leaned over and captured your lips in a sweet kiss, the taste of pumpkin on both your lips making it even sweeter than usual. 

“Mmm, that tasted good,” you hummed as you playfully bumped his knee with yours. You were expecting a flirtatious response from him, somehow roping in the concept of sex into the conversation because he seemed to be in that mood earlier, but instead, he just stayed quiet while staring down at the counter. 

“Uh, oh,” you thought to yourself, your hips squirming in your seat at the sudden change in the atmosphere. It felt as if the room got darker, maybe even colder–just like the inside of Joe’s brain. You brought your hand up and started rubbing his back, “You okay?” you asked, nervously biting your lip because of the look on his face. 

“Yeah, just thinking,” he sighed, placing his hand on your knee again. 

“Thinking about anything in particular?” you said while giving him a heartfelt smile. 

He took a deep breath before responding, “Talk to her, Joe. Don’t push her away again,” he thought to himself. “…D- do you think we can talk about it? About the game?” he quietly asked you, meeting your eyes a few seconds after saying that. 

Joe tried to forget about it, and he did for about half an hour because of you and the pie you made for him. But he knew better than to keep everything in like that, knowing what would happen if all that stayed inside of him and built up. He refused to go back there, especially after getting a flashback of what that felt like last week. 

The sudden change in his voice, his eyes, and his body language threw you for a loop. You thought this would distract him for a bit longer, but it didn’t.

But wait. Why did you want to distract him for longer? You wanted him to open up to you, confide in you. So why did you want him to not think about the game?

Was it because you were the one who didn’t want to talk about it? You didn’t want to unpack those feelings, not his, but your own?

“No. He needs me right now. I can’t let my feelings get in the way,” you thought to yourself, “Be strong for him, Y/N. Stop being selfish.”

“Y- yeah,” you nodded. “What’s going on in your head?” you asked as you slid your hand up to his hair, threading the strands through your fingers while lightly scratching his scalp. 

“I’m just so frustrated, Y/N,” he sighed. “We were supposed to win, we were going to win,”.

“I know,” you said, letting out a shaky breath as your body braced itself for whatever was about to come out of his mouth.

“And I played like total shit. That fumble just gifted them 6 extra points and if I didn’t lose the ball like a fucking idiot, we would have likely won the game,” he said as his eyes welled with tears. “And we’re right back where we were. 0-2 as fucking usual and it’s my fault,” he sniffled. 

“It’s not your fault, Joey,” you frowned. “The whole team could have done better, especially the defense. You did so good, much better than last week,”.

“Not good enough,” he said, his voice laced with self-criticism. “It wasn’t good enough…I wasn’t good enough. I try so hard, you know? I do everything I’m supposed to, even more, 90% of the time. But things..they..they never go my way,” he added, the crack in his voice breaking your heart for the millionth time today. 

“I know, Joe. Trust me, I know,” you said as you lowered your head to catch his eyes. “But you can’t be this hard on yourself, you know that right?”.

“The flags, the Ja’marr thing, the stupid fucking mistakes. It all just went to shit so fucking fast,” he said as he turned to meet your eyes, ignoring what you said. “And our playoff odds keep decreasing which makes this even worse. If we go 0-3, I don’t think-,”.

“Joe, stop,” you said while moving your hand to cup his cheek. “You’re doing it again,”.

“I just…I can’t help it? I just feel like I let everyone down again,” he started to say and quickly kept going once he saw you start to open your mouth to say something. “And I know. I know what you told me last week, I heard you loud and clear. I thought I could go out and get it done this week and I acted like it too. During practice, in the press conference, over the phone to you, in the locker room to the guys–but once again I fucked up, and look at what happened,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper as you saw his bottom lip start to quiver. “I k- know why we lost but I do- don’t at the same time?” he choked out, a single tear falling from his eye and sliding down his cheek. “I did everything I could and I still feel like I’m letting everyone down,” he repeated, his breaths getting shorter. “Especially you,” he whispered. 

You felt your eyes pool with tears, your emotions threatening to spill out as you stared at him. Seeing him like this, weak and questioning himself, was the one thing that could break you into a thousand pieces. He was so confident and strong in the face of adversity but in these quiet moments, those voices in his head were the loudest and he couldn’t help it. The doubts crept in and he started to undermine his success, and that shattered you. 

Watching him struggle with his confidence cut deeper than any of your own insecurities. You knew how much he gave to football, how much he sacrificed for this, how much he loved what he did. It crushed you to see him struggle like this and for a second think that he was letting anyone down. To you, Joe was more than enough–on and off the field–and seeing him question that was making you feel an unbearable amount of pain. 

“Joe,” you whispered, your voice shaky just like his. “You’re not letting anyone down. Especially me, I swear. You don’t see yourself the way I do,”. 

You saw his glossy eyes soften, searching yours for any sort of comfort and relief but as he gazed into your eyes, you knew he could see the emotions you were holding back. The mix of fear and love, concern and support. His vulnerability mirrored your own, and that made this hurt even more.

“I know you feel like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders and it feels like those shoulders are wobbly right now,” you nodded, feeling the tension–the burden of everything he carries both on and off the field radiate through his eyes. “But I promise you, Joe,” you whispered. “You’re strong enough to handle all of this. Even when it feels like too much, even when you doubt yourself. You’ve shown how strong and capable you are time and time again and everyone knows how talented you are. Don’t let one game define a legendary, history-making career, Joe. Don’t let yourself forget who you are. You have all of this because of your talent, your success, and your abilities. You’re the kid from small-town Athens, the third-stringer from Ohio State, the star quarterback of the LSU Tigers, and the franchise quarterback of the Cincinnati Bengals. But most importantly, you’re one of the best to ever step onto that field and hold onto that football. Don’t forget who that kid is, who that boy is, who that man is, and who that player is. I know it feels like you’ve been hitting wall after wall every season, feeling like you’re losing something each time you get onto the field but everything you lose is a step you take,” you said. “You make mistakes, you learn from them, and you revise and get better each time. That’s what you do, Joe,”. 

“Don’t feel pressured to do everything on your own. You don’t need to blame yourself for the loss, you don’t need to blame yourself for the slow start. You don’t have to do this alone,” you continued, your voice raw but completely reassuring. “Everyone’s here with you, Joe. I’m here with you. We’ll carry the weight together, okay?”.

“No.” he shook his head. “You don’t…you won’t do that,” he said, his voice rougher but still laced with a tone that made you want to never stop crying. “I don’t want you in any situation like that, not after what happened today,”. 

You felt your stomach churn at the mention of today’s events. You really didn’t want to go there, but you knew you had no choice. Majority of the reason Joe was upset was because of what you had to deal with during the game. Yeah, he was frustrated about the loss, but the way you were treated made it so much more worse because that was a direct hit to his heart. “Joe, I-,” you began to say before you heard a soft sob come from in front of you.

“I’m s- so sorry, Y/N,” he said as he looked back into your eyes, his tears now fully streaming down his face. “I’m so fucking sorry that you have to deal with all of my shit. And year by year it just keeps getting worse for you and I can’t do anything to stop it. When I first started off in the league, your only worries were if I was able to go out there and throw the ball and have a chance to show everyone what I was capable of. N- now, you have to constantly worry about my in- injuries and what people say about m- me,” he sobbed, his tears falling faster and his body starting to shake. 

You quickly reached out for him, placing your hand on the back of his neck and pulling him over so that he was laying his head on your chest. “Joe, baby,” you whispered, cradling his head as you tried to keep your tears at bay. 

“Y- you had to pick up so much slack every time I g- got hurt,” he cried into your chest as you threaded your fingers through his hair. “You did so much for me that nobody ever saw, nobody will ever see. And they treat you like that? Because they fucking hate m- me?”.

“Shhh, shhh. It’s okay, Joe,” you calmly said to him as you leaned down to press a kiss to his hair. “I’m fine, I swear,” you sniffled, holding back your tears as best as you could.

“N- no,” he continued, “You’re not. I knew you were crying b- before I got home. It was because of me, right? Because of what I said in the press conference?” he asked, looking up at you through his wet, glossy eyes.

Your eyebrows softened, and before you could even find the right words, your eyes said everything for you.

“I knew it,” he continued as he hid his face in your chest again, your shirt fully soaked from his tears. 

“J- Joe…,” you trembled, taking a deep breath before continuing. “Stay strong, Y/N. He needs his support system right now,” you thought to yourself. “Please stop crying, baby. Please? You don’t need to apologize for a single thing,” you continued with a more stable voice. “I know you’re trying to protect me,”. 

“Yes, I do," Joe choked out. "Because now you have to worry about getting insulted and harassed by random fans who have some vendetta against me, but think it’s okay to take it out on y- you." His voice broke, and you could see the guilt flooding his eyes. "You’re the only person who’s truly stuck by my side through everything. You do so much for me, and you don’t deserve to be treated like that but you are, because of me. You had the most awful things said to you and it was all my fucking fault. It was my fault you were crying. It was my fault you couldn’t enjoy the game. It was my fault that earlier after the game, you felt like you had to hide this from me,".

He took a shaky breath, the weight of his words hitting him harder as he continued. "You can’t even go to a fucking game without getting hurt because of me," his shoulders trembled slightly. "I- I’m always hurting you, aren’t I?" he wept, those last four words coming out in a broken whisper as if they physically pained him to say. His grip on you tightened as if you were the only thing holding him together and preventing him from crumbling into a pile of dust.

Hearing him say those words ripped you apart. He was hurting, and it shattered you to think that he saw himself as the cause of your pain. 

“Joe,” you said as you tightened your embrace around him, “You’re not hurting me,” you added as you gently cupped his face with one hand. “You’re not,”.

“You’ve never hurt me, Joe. Not once,” you said as you wiped away the tears that were freely falling down his face. “What those people say, what they do–it’s not your fault. None of that is in your control and it doesn’t, for a second, change how much I care for you. How much I care for this world you’ve built for us,” you blinked your tears away and added. 

Joe shook his head, refusing to accept your words, but you continued on regardless. “You mean everything to me and I’m not going anywhere, no matter what. You’ve never once hurt me in the 5 years we’ve been together. You’ve never given me a reason to think about running for the hills, never given me a reason to ever think about what my life would be like without you. You’ve showered me with so much love, so much happiness that I never thought was possible. You are perfect, Joe. In every aspect. It’s going to take a lot more than just some idiotic, insecure, flawed football bros to get to me and leave your side. Hell, the entirety of Kansas City isn’t even enough to pull me away from you,” you said as you leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Please stop blaming yourself for what other people do. It’s not your fault that the team lost this game and it’s not your fault that some men in this world just have small-dick energy all the time,” the last bit of what you said lighthearted on purpose. 

You notice a small, brief smile begin to form on his face after you finish talking. It was faint, but it was there. Seeing that smile, even just a glimpse of it, filled your chest with relief. Your words had reached him, if only a little. “I love you, Joe. I love you no matter what,” you said while resting your chin on his head and holding him close to your heart as you felt him start to loosen up. 

“I- I love you too,” he whispered against your chest, pushing himself deeper into your embrace and wishing he could just melt into your body and forget about all his worries. 

In that moment, you could feel how much he needed this–how much he needed you. 

Your words and your touch were his anchor, his support. You grounded him when the weight of everything threatened to pull him under and in these quiet moments, that anchor allowed himself to be vulnerable and to lean on you completely. And you were more than willing to hold him up, even if it meant setting your feelings aside. 

You moved your hand to his back, gently rubbing circles around his frame in soothing patterns to ease his discomfort. “I’ve got you,” you whispered softly, feeling his breathing even out second by second. “Nothing’s gonna hurt you, baby,” you whispered before holding him a little tighter. 

An hour later 

You got him to calm down a little, but deep down, you knew this wasn’t something that could be fixed in one conversation. It wasn’t just about losing the game tonight, it was about you. And when it came to you, Joe never played around. This wasn’t going to be an easy thing for him to move past and the look that lingered in his eyes told you that. Honestly, you hadn’t even moved past it yourself. But you didn’t want to unload your feelings onto him, not right now. He needed you to be his rock, his safe place, and you couldn’t let yourself add to the storm swirling in his head.

You brought him upstairs a little after he stopped crying and calmed down. You told him that he needed to shower, not because he stank, but just so he could wash the day off himself. 

While he sat on the bed, you went into the closet and pulled out his favorite pair of sweats, clean boxers, and a comfortable shirt for him and set them inside the bathroom before turning the shower on and setting it to the temperature you knew he loved. You then motioned for him to come inside with a sweet smile on your face. 

“Your shower awaits, my king,” you playfully bowed and said, earning a soft chuckle from him. “Thank god he can still laugh,” you thought to yourself. 

“Thank you,” he rasped with a smile, his voice still scratchy from crying earlier, as he slid off the bed and walked to the bathroom where you were, “My queen,” he added with a soft kiss to your lips. 

After watching him get undressed and slip into the shower, you quietly went back out to grab another shirt to replace the tear-stained one that was clinging to your body. When you stepped back inside, the sound of the water running and the silhouette of Joe moving against the foggy glass filled the space. You walked over to the vanity, setting the shirt down on the counter. For a second, you stood still, gripping the edges of the counter. Your eyes met your own reflection in the mirror and you saw the undeniable tiredness behind them as well as the redness from the tears you shed earlier. Your eyes softened for a second, the urge to start crying coming back but before a tear could fall from your eye, you wiped your eyes, “Hold it together, Y/N,” you whispered to yourself. “He needs you right now,”. 

“Y/N?” a voice from behind you asked. 

You quickly turned around and saw Joe peeking his head out from the shower, his hair soaking wet and water droplets sliding down his body and onto the floor. “Can you come in, please?” he asked with a pout. 

You quietly stared at him for a few seconds before quickly breaking eye contact and flinging your clothes off so you could join him, which resulted in another adorable chuckle from his lips. You needed to wash the day off just as much as he did. 

Once you slipped into the shower with him, the heat of the water instantly embraced you. Before you could fully settle in, Joe pulled you into him, his hands gently gripping your waist as his lips found yours with a frantic intensity. The way his lips were moving against yours was deep, raw, and full of emotion. He needed to feel you, he needed to remind himself that you were still there and that you weren’t going to leave. 

His hand slid up your back, which was now wet as both of you were standing under the rainfall shower head, his gentle fingers tracing shapes around your back as he deepened the kiss. Your arms wrapped around his neck, one hand moving into his wet hair as the other hand rubbed his shoulder. 

His lips didn’t leave yours for a single second as the water poured over both of you. Every inch of your skin was drenched, the droplets sliding down your body, but that didn’t matter. The water was washing away all of the emotions of the day and was leaving you two in your own intimate bubble. However, nothing about what was happening in the shower carried any sexual energy, it was pure love and comfort. You could feel that he needed this more than anything, and you were right there for him. 

His hands continued to roam around your body, slowly but deliberately as he continued to remind himself that you were right there with him. A few seconds later, his lips left yours as he started trailing soft kisses down your wet jawline and neck. Each press of his lips against your skin felt like an apology and a promise all at once–his way of saying that you were his safe space, his sanctuary, and that he was sorry that something came so close to infiltrating his safe space and that he promised it wouldn’t happen again. 

He then moved his forehead to rest against yours, briefly staring into your eyes, before mumbling, “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” while gently squeezing your hips. 

You looked into his tired baby blues before cupping his face with your hands, “It’s a good thing you’ll never have to find out,” you whispered, then leaning forward to capture his lips in the soft kiss again, your noses brushing against each other as you pulled him in closer. 

You felt awful that Joe was feeling like this–mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. You wanted nothing more than to kiss his worries away and get rid of all the doubt and the pain by doing such a simple task. He didn’t deserve to feel this pain, this disappointment, this self-doubt. He worked so hard for everything, for football, for you–and seeing his hard work not pay off felt like a constant punch in the gut. Nothing hurts worse than seeing the person you love give their all to something–no matter how draining it was–and for it to rarely give anything back. 

It was even more painful when you saw him cry because of you. The thought of you being a burden, you adding to his stress, was still stuck in your mind. You felt guilty because most of this was your fault. If you weren’t there, then those men wouldn’t have said anything; Joe wouldn’t have a reason to feel this guilty. 

He blamed himself for the entire situation, and you blamed yourself. Except, he was being open about his feelings with you and you weren’t. The roles were reversed from last week. You were shutting him out in order to remain strong for him, and he knew that which made him feel even guiltier. 

“I love you,” he said in between the tender kiss, snapping you out of your daze as his hand cupped your cheek and thumb traced your cheekbone.

“I love you, forever,” you replied, your hand pushing his lips back onto yours. He needed to remind himself that you were still there, but you needed to remind yourself that he was still there too. Even if you didn’t want to admit it to him. 

—

After helping him shower, you finally got him comfortable in bed. The tiredness on his face was evident, but his mind was clearly still spiraling. It was a long day, emotionally draining for both of you, but you knew he needed rest more than anything right now. 

You slipped into the bed next to him, immediately turning to your side and pulling him into your body. His hands instinctively wrapped around your waist as he laid his cheek against your chest, your hands threading through his damp hair as you pressed light kisses around his face. 

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” he whispered a few quiet minutes later as he looked up at you with his tired eyes. 

“Shh, Joe,” you cooed as you moved his head back to your chest. “It’s okay, you’re okay, I’m right here. Go to sleep, baby,” you added with a kiss to his forehead, your heart breaking at his confession because that meant you were right; he wasn’t over it. 

He gave you a small nod before taking a deep breath, “I love you, Y/N. Thank you for everything you do for me,” he whispered, pressing a few kisses to your chest before fluttering his eyes closed. 

The rest of the hour was spent like this, with Joe wrapped tightly around your body. His head rested against your chest as you contuted to whisper gentle sweet nothings into his ear in hopes of soothing his restless mind. Occasionally, you’d press soft kisses against his forehead, his hair, and his cheek–each kiss adding to the palliative effect. Slowly, the tension was leaving his body and his breathing evened out. Your fingers continued to move in his hair, your nails lightly scratching his scalp which you knew always calmed him down. “I love you,” you repeatedly whispered with a gentle kiss to his temple. “I love you too, like a lot a a lot,” you said, echoing what he often times said to you.

About thirty minutes later, Joe was finally passed out like a baby, his face relaxed and free from worry. You glanced down at him, a soft smile tugging at your lips at the sight of him peacefully asleep and because of the sound of his soft snores.

“Thank god,” you whispered, relief washing over you because you got his brain to turn off for the night.

But unlike Joe’s brain, yours was still moving at the speed of light. Now that everything around you was quiet again, the voices in your head got louder. Normally, you were usually the one who had trouble falling asleep and Joe would be there to help you, but this time it was the opposite. 

You stared up at the ceiling for a few minutes, hoping and wishing that doing this would bore you to sleep somehow, but you were so wrong. 

You let out an exhausted sigh before reaching over and grabbing your phone from the nightstand, making sure to quickly dim the brightness so it wouldn’t wake Joe up. “Looking at old photos always calms me down,” you whispered to yourself as you opened the photos app on your phone, getting ready to do what you did last week after you and Joe’s argument. Looking through old photos, specifically from happy moments, always seemed to calm you down in moments just like these. 

You made an album specifically for photos of you and Joe in your photo app; it was like a little treasure box of memories that always brought a smile to your face. It was also your secret weapon for moments like these–when things got heavy and you needed a reminder of the simple times.

You tapped the randomizer button, your usual go-to when you wanted some nostalgia with a hint of surprise. This button would pull up any photo from any year, any moment, without any warning–which is why it was so special. You never knew what photo you would see, but it was always guaranteed to be a moment worth reliving. 

You tapped the button, this time a photo of the two of you from 2020 popped up on your screen. 

You were in the driver’s seat of the new car Joe had just bought and he was right next to you holding the camera–a pure, deeply in love smile and look on both your faces.

Flashback to 2020

“God, this car is amazing,” you smiled over at Joe as you turned onto the next street in your neighborhood. 

“I know right?” he nodded. “It feels like we’re gliding on the clouds or something, it’s so smooth,”. 

Currently, you two were driving around your new neighborhood that you had just moved into in Cincinnati, a few months post-NFL draft. Joe had recently purchased his first luxury car with his contract money, a beautiful sleek Maybach, and you were spending the evening driving it around and enjoying your quiet time together in your new city. 

Joe drove you around downtown Cincinnati first–both of you making a list of food places you were going to try, parks you were going to visit, and the prime date night spots–and then offered to switch places with you once you got back to the suburbs area. At first, he was going to let you drive around the city instead of him, but you were way too scared that you'd end up hitting something or crashing to let yourself even think about sitting behind the wheel. But, after a half hour of him sweet-talking you and reassuring you everything was going to be alright while driving, you were now in the driver's seat and were whipping the car around like it was no big deal. 

That was the Joe effect. 

"I love dating a rich man," you winked at him, earning an eyebrow raise from him that would send you straight to your knees if you were standing up right now. 

"Well, I love being a rich man who can spoil his sexy girlfriend at any time he feels like," he smirked. 

"Are you sure you don't love being my passenger princess even more?" you giggled as you reached over to turn the air conditioner down when you saw him pull the sleeve of his hoodie down. "You look pretty damn comfy over there," you said while looking down at his feet, which were only covered with his socks as he decided to take his shoes off.

"Oh, baby I am comfy," he groaned. "This seat is like a marshmallow or something," he sighed as he wiggled his shoulders against the seat. 

"I told you," you smiled, hitting the right turn signal as you approached the stop sign. "I just wish we could figure out how to set up the audio system. I'm missing our music right about now and was hoping we could do some car karaoke today," you sighed as you turned right and started going down another street.

"Yeah, I know," Joe sighed next to you, cupping your upper thigh with his hand, prompting you to glance down for a second. "Ah, ah," he shook his head when he noticed you looking down, "Eyes on the road,".

"You better not move that hand any higher, Burrow," you said while giving him a heated look, knowing his hands were dangerously close to a certain spot. 

"I won't, I won't," he nodded with a cheeky smile, knowing the hold he had over you. "But anyway. Since we don't have music to keep ourselves entertained, how about a short, our version, game of 20 questions?".

"Oooo," you said with wide eyes. "I love that idea!” you chirped. “Let’s make it couple themed too, to add to the vibe,”.

“You got it,” he smiled over at you, his heart swelling as he watched you sitting so relaxed next to him, driving your new car, in your new neighborhood, in your new life together. It was silly, but he couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe he was getting to do this with you, the one he loved the most. Back at LSU, the thought of this happening was a dream for him even though he was watching it all unfold right under his nose. It didn’t really hit him that you two were doing this–starting the next phase of your lives, the adult phase, the phase where you were together together in every single aspect–until you two had signed the lease for your first home together last month. 

“Okay, the first question for you,” you smiled. “What’s the romantic thing you’ve ever imagined us doing together?”. 

Joe looked ahead on the road as he thought of his answer, but he really didn’t need to think for that long because the answer was so obvious as he’d thought about it about a hundred times every night before going to sleep. “Getting married,” he turned his head and smiled at you. 

Married. 

You felt your stomach do a backflip when those words registered in your head. He’d never said this to you before or ever brought up the idea of getting married, even though it was all you could think about after your first date back at LSU. You thought that it was just your brain getting overexcited at the possibility of your childhood fantasy of marrying Prince Charming coming true–and your first date together solidified that he was the Prince Charming you were waiting for–but you had no idea that he felt the same way. 

“When we’re ready, of course,” he added, snapping you out of your trance. 

You looked over at him, your eyes twinkling with love for him which made his heart skip a beat. “Really?” you breathed out.

“Hell yeah,” he smiled. “You’re my girl, my lady. My one and only. Why would I want to pass up on making an extraordinary woman like you, my wife?” he asked with an adorable smile. There was a certainty in his voice, a certainty that left no room for doubt. Joe had always been sure of you, even when you got in your head and questioned things. The way he said it, with that cute, boyish smile, it was impossible not to feel it too–the deep love and the absolute certainty he had in the two of you.

“I love you,” you pouted, watching him lean in and press a quick kiss to your lips.

“I love you more than anything in the universe,” he winked. 

“Okay, my turn again,” you beamed as you looked back onto the road, Joe nodding beside you and rubbing his thumb across your thigh. “If you could describe our chemistry in a sentence, what would you say?” you asked him. 

Joe’s eyes sparkled with a soft smile as he thought about your question. “I’d say our chemistry is like lightning in a bottle–rare because so many people search for what we have their entire life, unpredictable like anything could happen which keeps us on our toes but also not too unpredictable because we’re lightning in a bottle so it’s contained and secure, and full of energy, but always electric whenever we’re together,”.

“So sweet and poetic,” you smiled as you glanced over at him. “If football ever gets boring, I think you should write a poetry book."

Joe chuckled, his hand still resting on your thigh as he gave it a playful squeeze. “Oh yeah?” he smirked. “Think I’ve got what it takes to be the next great romantic poet?” he winked, clearly amused by the idea, but the way he looked at you–like you were his muse–made it feel like maybe he could.

“Mhm. I think you can write a better Sonnet 18 than Shakespeare did,” you teased. 

“I appreciate the confidence,” he grinned as he moved his hair back with his fingers. “Okay, I have a question for you,”.

“Shoot,” you replied. 

“What’s the most enticing way I can wake you up?” he smirked, the energy in the car going from playful to sensual within 5 seconds of him saying that.

“With your head in between my thighs,” you blushed. “That feeling of your soft scruff rubbing against my skin, your beautiful nose against my clit…Ugh, it’s too perfect. Best way to wake up,”.

“Damn, you didn’t even have to think about that one,” he laughed. 

“Nope. It’s happened all too many times for me to prefer any other way of getting woken up. Except for that one morning, the morning after the date you told me you loved me, when that almost made me miss my psychology exam,” you giggled. “Then I would’ve preferred a coffee to wake me up but every other time, that’s the best way,”. 

“Good to know,” he chuckled. “Okay, next question. If we could have a dance party, just us, what song would you dance with me to?”.

“Teenage Dream, Katy Perry. Duh,” you grinned. “You make me feel like I'm livin' a teenage dream, the way you turn me on, I can't sleep, let's run away, and don't ever look back, don't ever look back,” you sing. 

“My heart stops when you look at me, just one touch now baby I believe, this is real, so take a chance and don't ever look back, don't ever look back,” he sings along with you. 

“Damn, okay Katy,” you giggled, applauding his ability to stay on the pitch and sing with you. 

“Thanks, babe,” he smiled, doing a little bow in his seat. 

“Oo, I have another one. What’s one thing you love about me that you don’t tell me enough?” you asked him with an eager smile. 

“Hmm, that’s a good one,” he said, biting his lip as he thought carefully about what to say. A few seconds later, he looked at you with an almost shy smile. “How strong you are,” he said. “You don’t realize it, but you’re the strongest person I know. You always take care of everyone else–your friends, family, me–without ever asking for anything in return. And you never give yourself enough credit for how much you handle. I don’t tell you that enough, but I see it every day,”. 

“I’m gonna cry,” you pouted, placing your hand on his which was resting on your thigh. “I love love loveee you,” you said as you brought his hand up, intertwined your fingers, and brought it up to your lips for a kiss. 

“I love you,” he smiled, those three words always coming from his lips and never getting old or redundant. Since he said it so often, it was a constant reminder of how deep-rooted his love was for you. He was all in for you, so infatuated with you to the point where being without you caused him physical pain. 

You turned onto the next street–the street where your house was–which signaled the game was coming to an end.  “Since we’re almost home, I take the final question,” Joe smiled as he sat up in his seat and reached down to slip his shoes on. 

“Okay,” you grinned.

“What’s one thing that I could do that would turn you on immedi-,” he began to say but before he could finish answering you interrupted him.

“The eye-brow raise,” you blurted out, a crimson blush rising on your face at the mental image of him doing the one thing that sent you straight to your knees in front of him. 

“Oh?” he said, surprised at your straightforwardness. 

You slowly turned your head to him, your eyes widening when you saw him doing said eyebrow raise at you right now as you turned into the garage of your home. “Joseph Lee!” you shrieked, slapping his thigh gently.

“I mean, we are home now,” he laughed, the smirk on his face screaming trouble. “At least we won’t have to get the car dirty,”. 

You stared at him with your jaw practically on the floor before he laughed again and used his hand to close your jaw. “Just kidding,” he smiled, “Maybe..” he added with a whisper. 

“Mhmmmm,” you squinted your eyes and nodded as you turned off the car. 

“Anywayyy,” he said as he unbuckled his seat belt and turned to you. “You like driving the car?”.

You unbuckled your seatbelt and turned to face him, matching his movements, “I mean Of course, who wouldn’t? It’s a Maybach,” you giggled. 

“Great, it’s your new car,” he grinned. 

Your eyes widened, “What?” you gasped, your voice filled with disbelief. 

He laughed, his smile getting even bigger at your reaction. “Yup, it’s all yours. Figured it was time you had something this valuable to match how valuable you are,”.

You stared at him with a mix of emotions swirling in your body, “You’re kidding right?” you asked, half expecting him to say it was a joke. “I thought this was your car?”.

“Nope. I’m getting a Porche for myself. This one is just for you, a special car for my special girl,” he smiled. 

You blankly stared at him for a few seconds before sliding your Uggs off and hopping over the center console, into Joe’s lap. You couldn’t believe that he just bought this car for you, something so expensive and grand. It was just for you. 

He really loved you more than anything in the world, and everything he did just showed you how all in he was for you. This was another thing added to the list, a very long, lengthy, beautiful list.

You didn't even ask him for anything, he just knew.

“Woahh, hey,” he laughed as his hands instantly went to your waist. 

“I fucking love you,” you grinned as you started attacking his face with kisses. “Like I seriously don’t deserve you at all,”. 

“You deserve everything and more, baby. You deserve the world and I can’t wait to give it to you,” he said to you, the look in his eyes sending chills down your spine. 

“Thank you, Joe. Thank you for all of it,” you smiled before you started peppering kisses around his jawline, feeling his scruff against your lips. 

“No need to thank me. You deserve it for all you do for me,” he smiled. 

“I do need to thank you,” you said as you pulled away from him and looked into his eyes, your eyes now filled with mischief and pure heat. 

He raised his eyebrows at your teasing expression, “Okay if you insist. But how so?”.

You looked him up and down as you licked your lips, an idea sparking inside your head. You leaned forward and placed your lips at his ear, “I think we should christian the new car? For its other use, not just driving. What do you think?” you whispered to him. 

“I think that we should get the car dirty,” he smirked as he moved your head back to his view and started kissing his way down your neck.

“Huh, that’s funny. I was thinking the same thing,” you smirked as you pulled his face back up to yours.

End of Flashback

The photo then changed to another one from 2020. This one specifically was from January 13th, 2020. 

You were in Joe’s apartment, tangled in the sheets of his bed with him, and he was holding the camera in front of you both as you both sported lazy, high-on-the-feeling type smiles on your faces. 

“That was a fun night,” you smiled, immersing yourself in the memory again. 

Flashback to Joe’s apartment – January 13th, 2020

“Fuck, that was good,” Joe breathed out as he fell back against the sheets, turning his head over to look at you to make sure you were alright.

“You have...a lot of energy,” you panted with a satisfied smile as you came down from your high, turning your head to look over at him through his messy hair.

“I feel like I can run a marathon,” he lazily chuckled as he propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at you.

“No running marathons tonight, we’re celebrating,” you winked as you leaned forward to press a kiss to his bicep. 

“That’s okay, I’ll just use my energy on you,” he smirked, “If you can handle it,”.

You let out an offended scoff, “Excuse me? Think I can’t match your stamina?”.

Joe looked around the room, avoiding eye contact with you as a smirk tugged at his lips. You grabbed a pillow from behind you and gently slapped his chest with it, “May I remind you of your birthday last month?” you giggled, reminding him of that very very long night you two spent in his apartment celebrating his birthday, alone. 

“Okay, Okay,” he said, taking back what he said. “Fair point. You can handle it,”. 

“Damn right, I can. I’m a National Champion’s girlfriend now, I can handle anything,” you smiled as you laid back against the sheets again, stretching your arm out to cup his face and rubbing your thumb along his cheek. 

“I’m really glad you didn’t mind celebrating here, just the two of us,” he said a few quiet seconds later as he moved your hand to his mouth and pressed a kiss to your palm. 

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else or with anyone else, Joe. You’re all I need,” you said to him as you pulled him down and pressed your soft lips against his. 

“That’s great because,” he said between the kiss, “I really didn’t want to be out there tonight,” he said as he went back to your lips, maneuvering himself in the sheets so he was on top of you again.

The LSU Tigers had just won the National Championship just a few short hours ago at the Mercedes Benz Superdome in New Orleans. The entire city was alive with celebration and excitement, and the team was riding the high of their victory tonight. While most of the players and their partners were hitting up every club and bar on Bourbon Street, you found yourself in a quieter, more intimate setting. 

After wrapping up his media appearances for the night, Joe surprised you. You thought you two would just go with the rest of the team to whichever bar they wanted to raid first but Joe just had a feeling you were slightly opposed to the idea of bar hopping all night because he knew you didn’t really enjoy getting blackout drunk in order to have fun, and he was the same. So instead, he took your hand and led you to the car, alone–just the two of you.

The streets, the media, the entire state was buzzing with thrill and excitement over tonight’s game and Joe’s NFL ready performance, but Joe was only thinking about you. He knew how great the game was, how good he looked, and what this meant for his future as a Pro. But he could care less about all that right now. For him, tonight wasn’t about the parties, the lights, or the drinking–it was about sharing this moment with you. The person who had been with him since the start of his journey down here. 

“My little hermit crab,” you giggled as you pulled away from the kiss. “Even when it’s all about you, you still want to hide away in your shell,”. 

“Well, I’m not alone in my shell,” he pouted, “I have you and that’s all I’ll ever need,”. 

“I love you,” you said as you brushed your nose against his. “And I’m so proud of you,”. 

“Babyyy,” he shyly said while stuffing his face in your neck to hide his rosy cheeks. 

“What?” you said as you looked down at him. “I think I deserve to tell you how proud I am of you an unlimited amount of times tonight,”. 

“You’re gonna get tired of it,” he mumbled against your neck as he was pressing sloppy kisses around the bare skin.

“Oh, I am never getting tired of saying it I’ll have you know that,” you said as you stuffed your hand into his hair and played with his curls. “You always find a way to make me prouder so I’m always going to have something new to be proud of,”. 

“...Keep talking,” he said a few seconds later as he moved his head so that it was laying in your neck.

“Gladly,” you said as you pressed a kiss to his forehead, your voice soft and filled with emotion. “Do you even realize how far you’ve come? You’re not just the guy who won the College Football National Title tonight. You’re that kid from Athens, Ohio who fought his way from being a third-string quarterback–someone who people didn’t believe in, someone who thought his shot might never come as he sat on the bench for every game,”. 

Joe stayed quiet as he listened closely to what you were saying to him. “You broke free from that, baby. You took every challenge, and every setback, and used it as fuel to get here. You didn’t give up when things weren’t going your way, and now look at you? National Champ, Star QB, and a leader of a team that believed in you because you believed in yourself,”. 

“That little boy from Athens has come so far. So far from throwing a football in front of twenty, maybe thirty people at a pee-wee football game, to throwing a football in front of thousands of fans with even millions more watching from TV. You’ve worked so hard for this and I want you to be as proud of yourself as I am of you. Because tonight…you didn’t just with the trophy. You proved to yourself, you proved to everyone, that betting on yourself always works. That you are so much more than everyone gave you credit for. You proved that Joe Burrow is that guy and is going to be that guy for years to come,” you added, feeling him hold onto you a little tighter as you continued talking. 

“You did this, Joe. You did the damn thing you always dreamed of doing as a little boy. And this wasn’t just some lucky break, this was you turning that dream into reality. Every time you threw a football in the park with me when you got here, every practice, every struggle–it brought you here. You didn’t let anyone’s doubts or opinions stop you. This win, this night–it’s everything you’ve worked for, everything you’ve earned. And it’s just the beginning of your story. Who knows where you’re going to end up after the draft, but all I know right now is that you’ve done what you set out to do. Whether it’s to the NFL or wherever life takes you, you’ve shown nothing can hold you back. The sky isn’t the limit, Joe,” you said while feeling him press a kiss to your jaw and then a wet droplet streaming down your neck, likely a tear droplet from his eyes. “Little Joey Burrow from Athens who used to look up at the sky, dreaming of moments like these? He’s made it. He’s touched the sky. And now, nothing is stopping him from reaching even higher than the sky,”. 

“I am eternally proud of you,” you said, ending your sweet speech with another kiss on his forehead.

You hear Joe’s soft sniffles come from under you, “I love you, Y/N. I really fucking love you. I think out of everything that’s happened to me since coming to LSU, including tonight, you’re by far the best thing. I don’t know how I lived my life all those years without you, to be honest. And I know I can’t live the rest without you either,”. 

“Aww, Joey,” you cooed. “I can’t live without you either,” you said as you brought his face back up to yours and mashed your lips against his. “I can’t and I won’t,” you said as you pecked his lips. “Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close, forever and ever?” you asked him, the look in both your eyes answering that question for you both without needing to say anything. 

“You don’t need to ask me, baby. You’re going where I’m going whether you like it or not,” he smiled. “It’s you and me for infinity,”. 

“Good,” you nodded, a warm feeling in your heart as you two lightly touched the topic of your future together. “I’m not letting go of you if you want me t-, ahhh!” you shrieked as Joe grabbed your waist and easily flipped you over so that you were on top of him. 

“What were you saying?” he smirked as his hands gripped your waist with an intensity that matched the look in his eyes. 

“Damn, you’re strong,” you giggled as you leaned forward and moved his hair out of his eyes, your bare breasts dangling in front of his face which was all he could think about now. 

“Damn, you’re sexy,” he groaned as he slid his hands up your bare back, pushing you forward so that he could latch his mouth onto a nipple. 

You fluttered your eyes closed as you felt him swirl his tongue around your sensitive bud, “Ohh, yeah,” you whispered, your hips rocking against his as a jolt of pleasure vibrated through your tired body. 

“Mm, I wanna taste you,” he said as he pressed kisses along your sternum before moving to your other breast. “I think I deserve a sweet treat for winning the Championship,”. 

Joe’s breath hitched as your hands slid up his chest, your fingernails gently scratching his skin, His eyes darkened as they locked on yours, the intensity between you building with each parting second.

“I mean, it’s only fair,” you shrugged playfully, your voice soft but laced with desire. You bit your lip before adding, “But I want to ride you,” meeting his gaze with a look that spoke volumes. There was a fire in your eyes, one he couldn’t resist, one that seemed to pull him in deeper.

He swallowed hard, his body already reacting to the heat between you, completely mesmerized by the way you looked at him. “Damn,” he whispered, his voice raspy as he slid down on the bed and brought you with him. "You always know exactly what to say to drive me crazy,"

“I know,” you winked, “It’s my job,” you added before you felt him grip your waist again, this time feeling him lift you from his hips and onto his chest. 

“You ready?” he asked you, making sure you were alright even though this wasn’t the first time you’d done this before.

“Oh, hell yeah,” you grinned as you spread your legs wider and moved onto his face, lining your slick core with his mouth. 

A few seconds passed by as you got comfortable, his hands tightly gripping your waist and your ass as you let out a few breathy moans at the feeling of his perfect, ski slope nose rubbing against your aching clit. “Joe,” you whimpered. 

He looked up at you and the sight of you biting your bottom lip and holding onto the bedframe was enough to make him cum without you even doing anything to him, he was mesmerized by you. 

He used his tongue to lick a long stripe across your slit before thrusting his tongue into your core, your hips beginning to gently rock back and forth against his face. “Mmm, fuck,” you moaned, a warm feeling fluttering through your belly as you felt yourself getting lost under his touch. 

“Fuck,” he blubbered underneath you, “You taste like heaven,” he said while closing his eyes and gripping you even tighter. The feeling of his scruff against your bare skin was driving you insane. There was legit no better feeling on this planet than feeling his scruff in between your thighs. 

He continued to lap at your folds with his skillful mouth, even looking up at you with his wild eyes a few times and noticing how you threw your head back each time his lips latched onto your clit, even how you fell a little forward when his nose would rub against it. He was as skillful with his mouth as he was with his hands, both always moving with precision and perfection on you. He always knew what to do in order to send you over the edge, he knew your body like it was a road he’d driven down over a thousand times. 

“Joe, fuck…you’re so- you’re so good at t- this,” you moaned, stuffing your hands into his fluffy, disheveled hair as you rocked your hips back and forth a little harder. 

Your grip on his hair was as tight as the grip he had on you, both of you steadying yourselves due to the intensity of the pleasure unfolding between you. “Yeah, just like that,” you whimpered after you felt him move his hand to your wet heat, his thumb grazing over your bundle of nerves as you felt yourself inching closer to your orgasm. 

You tugged on his hair a little harder, this time earning a moan from him that vibrated through your entire body and sent you straight to heaven for a second as your eyes rolled to the back of your head, “Ah,” you whimpered as you felt the band in your belly tighten with each expert flick of his tongue and scratch of his scruff against your core. 

“I’m gonna cum, baby,” you whispered as you closed your eyes, your entire body hotter than the sun with the way his mouth was going unhinged on your soaked core. 

Joe opened his eyes and glanced up at you, a feeling of accomplishment and pride coursing through his veins, and it wasn’t because of winning big tonight. It was because of you. Because he was the only man on this planet to get you like this. 

He latched his mouth onto your clit, flicking the bud with his hot tongue as you felt your high starting to come over you with each nip and suck of his mouth and the feeling of your waist being squeezed by his big hand. 

“Joe…Joe…Joe!” you screamed a few seconds later as you felt your orgasm cut through you, your hands gripping the bed frame so that your tight grip didn’t end up ripping his hair out. “Oh my god, fuck,” you whimpered as you felt your release fall into his hot mouth and his tongue continuing to work you through your high. 

“I love you,” you breathed out a few seconds later once you looked down at him, feeling him smile into your drenched heat as he continued to coax you through your high.

And in that moment, you once again realized that there was no other place you both would rather be right now. You were away from the noise, from the flash of the cameras, from the distractions. This felt like the real celebration. The one that mattered the most. Joe had achieved one of his dreams, and the only thing that made it sweeter was sharing this private, intimate moment with you. 

All the sacrifices, sleepless nights, countless hours of practice–it all led to this. And the one person he wanted to be with, more than anyone else, was you. 

You were both exactly where you needed to be. Together. And that was the real victory.

End of Flashback 

You snapped back to the present when your phone turned off and the light was no longer reflecting onto your face. Your face felt wet, as well as your eyes as you looked down at your phone which had droplets sliding down the screen. You didn’t even realize that while reliving these memories, you started crying. 

You swiped at your face, trying to wipe away the tears as if you could get rid of the feelings that had overwhelmed you. You glanced down at Joe, praying that none of this had woken him up–which thankfully it didn’t. 

“Everything was so simple back then,” you thought to yourself as you felt a few more straggling tears slide down your cheeks. You missed those times, those times when your only concerns were what bag and clothes he was going to bring to his first practice as a Bengal or what team he’d end up going to post Natty win & NFL draft. 

And now? Now there were so many concerns, worries, and thoughts that needed to be sorted. But why? “When did everything get so complicated?” you asked yourself as you glanced back down at him, his puffy eyes still closed and his mouth slightly open as the soft snores continued to come through. “Why did everything get so complicated for him? Why is he in so much pain? He doesn’t deserve this…he works so hard. He does everything he needs to do. He does so much for me and for this life, we built,” you thought to yourself again as you felt your stomach drop.

You wished you could do something to help him, do something to just fix everything that was bothering him. But you couldn’t. 

The only thing you could do was remain strong, remain as his anchor, and prevent him from going under. 

Even if sometimes you felt like you were about to go under yourself. 

You leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead before whispering, “I’m so sorry Joe. I wish I could take away your pain, I wish I could make this better. You deserve the world and I’m so sorry that I can’t help you in the way I should be,".

"I’m sorry," you whispered again as you felt another tear slide down your cheek.

–To be Continued–

[sovenusian]

Matured Energy of Each Sun Sign

(does not to relate to what age you are.)

A matured Aries is a master communicator and story teller, they can easily pull and hold the attention of the crowd on them, only this time it is to shine light on something beyond them, and it's usually the wisdom they have gathered on their spiritual journey of having the self as the center of their wants and needs.

A matured Taurus is the tamed bull. They become much more calm and understanding of ways of life and mindsets differing from their own, and don't feel the need to make known, how thorough their stances on their beliefs are. They loosen up a bit, like a Cane Corso allowing a rambunctious chihuahua to feign dominance.

A matured Gemini uses the seemingly fractured personality to create genius works and can masterfully connect with any age group or walk of life. They respect they are the embodiment of "I have an idea" but on drugs (lol) and live in that truth. They don't provide tolerance for what they do not like around them.

A matured Cancer stopped being petty and stops wading in the murky waters of emotional manipulation, and starts wielding these energies as gift, for others. You may not find a more generous, selfless, nurturing being. They have the strength to grow other people and bring what's dead back to life.

A matured Leo finally takes more pride in the impact of it's works, more than the ability to do them or be recognized for being the one to do them. They enjoy showing the character traits that truly make them beautiful. The humility they acquire despite having achieved a great deal of refinement, is what becomes what makes them shine at their brightest.

A matured Virgo learned to put themselves, their hearts truly first. Their dutiful and ambitious drives have taught them their accompanying lessons, which are to allow yourself to relax, you are enough, you really are so damn dope, and comparing your output to the logistics was a stressful way to live and that is, the past. It's a death to criticism and a birth to healthy analyzation.

A matured Libra has learned how to be in love with love, in a healthy way. In love with Real Love; with the raw energy and authenticity of it's energy, that way when humans and opportunities come around that claim to be Love, they can be distinguishing and keep their own heart set on what they have learned to be it's truth. They have mastered detachment.

A matured Scorpio has adjusted their perspective, placing the abilities of being extremely passionate and emotionally intense, only in situations that don't create more chaos. Their lifelong journey for true power has moved them into a space where they are more settled and accomplished. They learn the rhythm of life and can finally become selfless, and this is where their energy is truly it's most powerful.

A matured Sagittarius is the ember stage of fire; warm, spreading and long lasting. The knowledge and philosophies acquired over the years are now steeped, grounded in substance and embedded in a person that can finally sit down long enough, and have the patience, to share it's inspirations. Their habit to be generous and spreading have switched out it's impulsive nature for selectivity and self- preservation.

A matured Capricorn drops the shrewdness, and can be an exemplified patriot of what they stood for when they initially started their ambitious climb of hard earned success. They realize just because they are the goats, does not mean anybody and everything are the rocks and steps to ascend upon, and they warm their heart up enough to trust others with their vulnerabilities. They retire their need to be serious for the upholding of the many responsibilities all Capricorns are dealt, and they let that beautiful ability to entertain and bring joy be what they now lead and corale others with.

A matured Aquarius honors the unbeaten path they chose and created by tooth and nail, by sharing with others the lessons learned from it. Their ability to be friendly and connect with anyone, becomes more filled out, & it becomes harder for them to be perceived as disingenuous, because they can now choose the role they'll play in the life of every individual they meet, and share the gems needed like the sages they were born to be. They feel the freedom to become even more obscure.

A matured Pisces is a vessel of universal love. They spend their lives being a collage of all the human personality could offer, from kind to cruel, yielding to stubborn, and they take each lesson from their colorful experiences, and only extract the most optimistic, high frequency wisdom from them. They keep their mystery while their ability to impart love to others unfolds endlessly.

[zvezdacito]

Diasomnia sexuality (and some gender) headcanons I just wanted to yap about for no reason:

Malleus: Demiromantic Bisexual

-> There's that joke that he doesn't gaf about gender as long as it's Yuu, but (for the demiromantic part) I also like the idea that he's ride-or-die, sentimental and clingy for anyone he gets close to. So generally the only difference for how he cares about people is the type of attraction + specific boundaries (can be slightly possessive in a different way for a romantic interest? Idk)

-> Also not really sexuality but I see his gender as that "I'm probably nonbinary but I have a job so idrc about that rn" tweet but for being the next king In general I think being acespec & nonbinary would be extra perplexing for bro since he never stopped to think about personal identity stuff like that for too long (too duty-pilled🥀)

-> Being dense about regular emotional experiences + actual difference in the norms of attraction and gender add to the gap of understanding between him and others

Lilia: Bisexual (not really a sexuality but he's also polyamorous)

-> This isn't sexuality again but I also think transfeminine Lilia is cool, I genuinely believed that Lilia was just a woman with a really deep voice the first time I saw him (I was watching him vs Leona in Book 2 out of context). There's no way to easily explain this in English but by this the specific identity i see him as is basically 'bakla' in the Philippines. It is really its own gender identity in our culture and isn't a "direct equivalent" of any one anglophone label, but for the sake of non-filipinos i guess you can just understand this to mean i see Lilia as "nonbinary transfem in the Filipino way"👍

-> I think it would align with his story in a good way with how she's maligned by the senate and such, how even as a soldier Lilia was coloring her hair for style. It's also like that thing where a guy who was already considered obviously effeminate and "one of the girls" atp (I see Meleanor as kids playing with Lilia in typically "girly" ways and encouraging his cuteness/hair styling) comes out later on as actually a girl/fem nonbinary

-> General Lilia is this is that type of situation where a transfem person can't really go all out with their expression because current life-threatening circumstances require "masculinity" or their focus to be exclusively on external matters (in this case its Lilia being a lowly bat soldier in an active war. Similar to Malleus, an idea of patriotic obligation stops him from really questioning or exploring since the country needs "strength" and "unity" in these times, there was also just really little time to wonder when you're fighting for your life everyday). But after retiring Lilia is able to realize she likes being perceived as cute and begins going all out in her appearance👍

Lilia edit with the article this headcanon reminds me of:

Silver: Aroace

-> Thought it would be a kind of cool subversion of the usual fairytale prince archetype Silver is made to emulate, where romance is the greatest and purest love and marriage is THE happy end. I think it aligns with Silver wanting to spend his life "repaying" the kindness of Malleus and Lilia; if they asked him to think about gertting a family of his own in the future, I think he'd just say the true love he's found in life is already them. A knight who dedicates his lifetime devotion to familial love instead

Sebek: Gaylm

-> One of bro's most notable character gags is glazing another man at every opportunity so yeah /j. Also fsr I just can't see him as a man romantically with a woman no matter what lol

(THIS ISN'T OBJECTIVE THOUGH this is just how I personally sense his vibes. Go crazy fellow fem yumes and OC artists. You are the pillars of this earth)

⚠️ My only disclaimer is that I am cisgender so the gender headcanons are only me relating the characters to scholarly articles on transfem experiences/from personal accounts of transfem and nonbinary people online and irl.

Another reminder that these are all headcanons made by viewing canon in a specific way, not me saying they're definitively any of these identities. You can still have cis or male malleus and lilia if you prefer that😭

That is all. Thank you for reading👊🔥

[octuscle]

Cholo Life

“First the damned Democrats stole the elections from us and now they are stealing our identity!” Manolo began to roll his eyes. He was familiar with this. When KJ worked himself into a rage, he sounded like a personal disciple of Trump. ‘I mean that they eat the cats in Springfield and the dogs, it's not just an isolated incident, they do it everywhere!’ ‘Kyle…’ Manuel began. KJ gave Manolo a friendly punch on the shoulder. He knew that when Manuel called him “Kyle,” Manolo was angry. “Of course I don't mean you,” said KJ. “You're an American through and through, you're American as peanut butter!” Of course that wasn't true. Manolo was born in Lima, went to school in Lima, and only came to Minnesota with his parents at the age of eight. But his parents had placed great importance on him learning the language quickly, and today Manolo speaks better English than his best friend from school days, KJ.

Kj, on the other hand, was a prime example of a junior at an American college: muscular, bright eyes, fair complexion, of course he played American football, and of course he parroted what Trump said without thinking. Yes, he was damn good-looking, but yes, he was also a real airhead. And even though olu secretly had a crush on KJ, KJ was out of reach for Manolo. You couldn't be more straighter than KJ.

KJ was studying business. With a bit of luck, he would at least get his bachelor's degree. Manolo had already graduated from high school two years before KJ and was about to get his bachelor's degree in biochemistry. He wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, who ran the research department of a seed company here. KJ, on the other hand, would join his father's trucking company and would alternate between driving trucks on the highways and struggling with the accounting in the office.

“Besides, you yourself admitted that you eat pets. You said that your grandmother serves guinea pigs.” ”Yes, but first of all, my grandmother doesn't steal the guinea pigs from some guys in Ohio, but has her cook buy and prepare them at the market, and secondly, guinea pigs are a delicacy where we come from. We find it rather absurd that you…” “All fake news!” KJ countered. ”Admit that the whole world would be in ruins without the USA. Our culture is simply superior!” There were situations in which Manolo was annoyed at being physically inferior to KJ. There were situations in which he just wanted to smash KJ's face in. It was really crazy that a guy who already classified cartoons as art wanted to lecture him on culture. His abuela had once given him a lucky charm that he always carried in his pocket. In situations like this, squeezing the stone firmly helped him. It drained the anger out of him. But this time was different. The stone became warm. The stone became hot! Manolo let go of it. He reached for the cold coke glass to cool his hand.

“Are you okay, hermano?” KJ asked. Manolo winced. That was the first time KJ had used a Spanish word correctly. ‘Would you order me another tequila? ¡Tengo que mear!’ Manolo looked after his friend. He had never drunk tequila before. KJ was also a feast for the eyes from behind. The torn jeans clung to his firm ass. His shoulders were broad. He was muscular. But not exaggerated. And his patriotic tattoos emphasized his masculinity. Manolo waved at the waitress and ordered two tequilas. He didn't usually drink. But maybe he could stand KJ better today if he was a little drunk.

The tequila arrived before KJ. And when KJ sat down, Manolo was playing with his cell phone. KJ took his tequila glass. “A nuestra salud y amistad, hermano” “A nuestra salud y amistad, KJ” Manolo replied distractedly, picked up the glass and was about to toast. He was frozen for a few seconds. What the hell had happened to Kyle? The smooth cheeks were covered by a hint of a beard. His tattoos had expanded. And now they had a lot more space too. Because KJ's muscles had almost exploded. His slender neck, with the Adam's apple whose movements always made Manolo so horny, had become a bull's neck tattooed all over. “Dude, you look like you've seen a ghost,” KJ said. His English had a slight Spanish accent. And there was a tear tattooed under his one eye. Manolo ordered two more tequilas… Their conversation turned into Spanglish gibberish. And at some point into Spanish. KJ got terribly worked up about the gringos. In doing so, he accidentally knocked his trucker cap off his head. He picked up a bandana and tied it around his head. KJ's gaze became somehow different. While they were talking, he played with his nipples more and more. He looked at Manolo more intensely. Somehow… lustfully? “Tengo que ir al baño otra vez. ¿Y no te gustaría venir conmigo?” KJ stood up. He was a muscleman. His tight-fitting tank top emphasized his muscles even more. With every twitch of the muscles, the tattoos moved, creating a real cartoon. His ass looked phenomenal in the pleated pants. If Manolo had to create a wank fantasy, this is what it would look like. And now the wank fantasy was telling him to follow him to the restrooms. Damn it! KJ looked like a real cholo. And he was a square college student in khakis and a button-down. Manolo hesitated for a moment. And then he followed KJ. KJ? Why “KJ”? I have no idea when the nickname developed. César Jesus should have been called CJ. But some stupid gringo hadn't understood that in elementary school. And so he had eventually become KJ. And the nickname stuck.

KJ was standing at the urinal. Manolo could see from behind that he was about to jerk off. Even though they had known each other since childhood, he had never seen KJ's cock. KJ's father had the typical conglomerate that enterprising wetbacks build. He had a few trucks that he used to transport goods or help with removals, he owned a few cafes, a laundry… And KJ was supposed to take over this small local empire at some point. His parents had always hoped that the friendship with the clever and ambitious Manolo would have a positive effect on KJ. But KJ had always been the type to hang out with the bad boys. And who could blame him? He looked just as brutal and manly as his father.

Manolo stood next to César at the urinal. César pretended not to notice Manolo. His tattooed hand jerked his cock, which was also covered in tattoos. It was a monster that offered almost as much surface area for artistic decoration as Manolo's thin forearm. César pushed up his tank top with his other hand, revealing his granite abs and finally his nipples. He played with his right nipple with his left hand. And Manolo, whose cock was almost as hard as César's muscles, couldn't help but suck on the left nipple. “Siempre supe que detrás de la fachada de empollón se escondía una zorrita,” César moaned. He let go of his nipple and pushed Manolo gently but firmly onto his knees. And Manolo greedily licked the precum from César's gleaming glans. This beast was not the first cock he sucked. But it was the biggest. And its owner was the one he wanted to satisfy more than anyone before. They had been like dissimilar brothers. Now he wanted to be this giant's whore. And César obviously wanted him to be his whore. He enjoyed the blow job and moaned loudly enough to signal to anyone who wanted to use the toilet that it was occupied. Manolo sucked César's cock and jerked his own. Both came almost simultaneously. It was impossible for Manolo to swallow all of César's cum. And his own cum splashed onto his shirt. Exhausted, he fell back. César was breathing heavily, too. “Necesitas una camisa nueva, hermanito,” he said. Manolo certainly couldn't go out like that. César took off Manolo's shirt and wiped his cum-smeared face with it. Then he took off his sweaty tank top. It was a bit difficult because it couldn't be easily pulled over his muscular body. He handed it to Manolo. Of course it was too big. But it felt good. And César would make sure that he would fill it out better soon. Today two men became real cholos.

Pics by @ki-kink

[andreasgypsysoul2020]

“I just wish that they could have done a Super Bowl half-time performance with some meaning behind it…”

Okay, Carol…

“The revolution is about to be televised - you picked the right time but the wrong guy.”

Kendrick Lamar just gave us a masterclass in storytelling - so let’s break down this performance like it's a video game, because that's exactly what Kendrick wanted. Remember how Super Mario had different levels that told a story? That's what we just watched, except instead of collecting coins, we're collecting layers of meaning.

Lamar's vision for the show was to portray his life as a video game, which was symbolic of reaching young people through a medium they understand. This theme was his way of illustrating his journey through the American dream, as noted by Shelley Rodgers, the art director for the show. This concept could be seen as a metaphor for navigating the complexities of fame and success in the music industry, akin to levels in a game.

Level 1: The Opening Scene

Samuel L. Jackson shows up as Uncle Sam - and if that's not the most perfect casting since Heath Ledger as the Joker, I don't know what is. This wasn't just for show - it's like when your parents try to tell you what to do with your life. Uncle Sam trying to control Kendrick's narrative is that same energy - it's about control, conformity, and breaking free. .

Level 2: The Car Boss Battle

Kendrick starts the show on top of a 1987 Buick Grand National GNX. If you're not a car person, this is like the Batman of cars - all black, all business, and with a serious story to tell. This isn't just any car - it's connected to his album "GNX" and represents his journey from Compton to the biggest stage in America.

Level 3: The Power-Up Costume

The dancers are doing this whole red, white, and blue thing, making the American flag come to life. But it's not about blind patriotism, it's about questioning what these colors really mean for different communities. The flag can also represent his stance on issues like racial justice, given his history with songs like "Alright" becoming an anthem for movements like Black Lives Matter.

Level 4: The Boss Fight

Now, this is where it gets spicy. Despite Drake trying to sue him, Kendrick performs "Not Like Us." That's like showing up to a fight with receipts in both hands. And then - plot twist - Serena Williams shows up doing the Crip Walk during this song. Remember when Drake was all about Serena? Yeah, that's some chess-not-checkers level of shade.

Level 5: The Special Items

Kendrick's rocking this jacket with "GLORIA" on it - a reference to his collab with SZA. And peep that "a" necklace he's wearing - it's probably referring to that line "Tryna strike a chord and it's probably A minor" from "Not Like Us." If you know, you know - and Drake definitely knows.

Final Boss: The Message

This whole performance wasn't just about the music - it was about identity, power, and who gets to tell whose story. Kendrick took the biggest stage in American sports and turned it into a Broadway show about being Black in America, about success, about rivalry, and about staying true to yourself even when Uncle Sam is trying to write your script.

This wasn't just a halftime show - this was Kendrick Lamar turning the Super Bowl into his own personal TED Talk, his own museum exhibition, his own protest rally, and his own victory lap all at once. Lamar being the first solo rapper to headline the Super Bowl halftime show in 2025 signifies the elevation of rap and hip-hop culture to mainstream acceptance at one of the highest levels of American entertainment. This act itself is symbolic of the progression and recognition of the genre.

Now watch it again…(Rachel Hurley)

[talenlee]

The Boundaries Of Love (In Worldbuilding)

Hey, does love exist?

This is one of those frustrating kinds of philosophical questions because there’s a host of stuff in the real world that exists, fictionally, but that doesn’t mean the material of it actually exists. In the real world, countries definitely exist, but there’s nothing about the country existing that’s true outside of the people in the space enforcing that identity. Numbers and math exist, in that you and I can both execute on their systems and get the same results suggesting some kind of central uniformity, but there’s nowhere you can go to get a cup of four.

In the real world, love is not an object unless you want to get into truly ontological spaces of what an ‘object’ is. It isn’t stuff, it isn’t material, it’s a fiction, in that it is also a term that is used to reference a signifier that humans can relate to based on its meaning. And those meanings are… weird. Those meanings are manifold and complicated, and this is, I must make clear, not a thing that’s true of all cultures everywhere.

Love is very ambiguous in English, because it’s a word that’s meant to cover a host of topics from the social to the theological to the preference to the experiential, and in no situation in English is love the wrong word or overstating anything but contrasting those uses with one another creates some strange discrepancies. In a vow, love is the term we use to describe a lifelong commitment’s motivation and then in the dinner after that wedding it’s a term used to describe how we feel about the nice fingerling potatoes.

I bring up English because it’s very important to remember this is localised to English. Not that other cultures are clearer in how they communicate about love, but about how that other cultures just aren’t doing the exact same thing because it’s always valuable to remember the boundaries and parameters of what your constraints are. You can use this as an angle to address, by thinking about these big, broad concepts and then trying to consider ways the concepts might be approached in different ways.

The United States and England, two major media producing cultures that share a language and use ‘love’ in similar ways still express that idea in a lot of different ways. As an example – god help us all – Love, Actually is a movie that is ostensibly about depicting love in a host of ways, and those ways include some incredibly British things that then, non-British people are able to interpret and map onto their own experiences. A Christmas novelty Single isn’t really a thing in most countries, but it didn’t stop Love Actually from selling perfectly well in America. This is because Love in this case is not a universal, uniform thing, but is a collection of floating, related signifiers. You don’t find love as a thing that exists and testing a goopy liquid in a tube, but instead, love is a thing you find by people talking about it.

This is where you can wind up with some interesting tripping points in your world. Because it’s not uncommon in worldbuilding, fantasy especially, to try and turn ‘love’ into something like a material force, or a fundamental underpinning of a magic system or something that drives psychics, and that creates a new problem. Because love is powerful. I mean, love doesn’t even ‘exist’ in our society and we still treat it as if it’s fantastically powerful, because people will do things in the name of love. Love is one of many motivators for people but it’s a really, really strong one, it’s so strong it overrides our common sense and can even lead to displays of strength or resolve that transcend all forms of survival instinct. We are really good at loving and loving is really good at being a motivator, and if that’s the case…

Like…

We already have in our real world, systems that try to weaponise love. Patriotism, for example, tries to engender a love of your country, one of those other fictions, and we do a lot to try and instill patriotism like a kind of psychic virus. That’s the real world where you can’t turn love into fluid goop and transport it, for example. When you start involving psychic powers or magical energies that can recognise and respond to the Power of Love, when there are government-impacting artifacts that care about Love, you run the risk of making it so that these are things that governments start to render programs to react to.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing!

After all, imagine if there was a magical power of love sword in your country. Imagine if there was something that, like, cared about a wielder who was pure of heart and knew true love, and this was capable of turning the tide of armies in battles. In that environment, a government program to ensure that people could be pure of heart and could know true love would be worth doing. This is assuming there’s no ‘line of descent’ malarkey there though because then the government program to promote the use of this weapon is uh, eugenics, but if it’s just anyone pure of heart and smoochy of lips could use this weapon? Then you might wind up in a country where there’s a whole bunch of infrastructure that seems kinda weird and fanciful to people at first, where there’s a deliberate attempt to make sure people can communicate openly and honestly about love and relationships, and maybe even a more refined language for doing so, to make damn sure that people who have ‘true love’ know really well what that means and how they can use it, for when the government needs to access it.

When you look at a world, as a world builder, there’s always a chance you give away that whether or not the world is meant to have one language, it was definitely thought about in one language only.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[angelicblondie]

Hi!

I love the PJO show ver. of Luke, I'm so very normal about him skvqmw

So, for a fanfic request, I was thinking... It's the 4th of July, so everyone is staying up late, and fem!child of Apollo user and Luke are off in a different part of Camp to see the fireworks. And well their alone and waiting, he confesses how he fell in love with her (they're dating to begin with btw), and she lights up.

Like, glow-wise. Like Will can do.

awww this is the cutest thing ever!! im not exactly sure what you mean by "glow-wise" (bc i admit i havent read any of the recent books bc i just couldnt get into them), but i'll try my best hehe <333

·:*¨༺🎀🦢🕯️༻¨*:·. 

the fourth of the july was your favorite day of the whole summer each year. you weren't exactly sure why - maybe it was that all camp duties were dismissed for the day, maybe it was that you held a deep love of america (which you didn't of course, but something about the fourth of july strangely made you a bit patriotic), or maybe it was that all the senior campers snuck off to the beach to watch the fireworks light. "snuck" might be the wrong word, considering chiron and mr. d definitely knew about it, but obviously they didn't really care since you guys never got in trouble.

moments like these were times you got to escape reality, even if it was just for a moment. it was a breath of fresh air to just be like every other teenager in the country, make a bonfire at the beach, and watch the fireworks. it was nice to pretend.

you, like every other person on the beach, had a red solo cup in your hands, taking leisurely sips. you decided to take it easy tonight - you wanted to witness the fireworks fully sober, which was unlike last year when you got plastered and your poor best friend (now boyfriend) luke had to take care of you the whole night. bless his heart!!

after spending the first half of the night chatting away with your girlfriends, luke came up behind you, placing his arms around your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder. you didn't even flinch, knowing it was him, and you leaned back against him, hugging his arms around you with warm smile.

luke greeted your friends (who were smiling teasingly at your lovesick expression) and asked to take you away, to which they gave in with no hesitation. luke whisked you away to walk along the shore, away from the gathering.

you hugged his arm as it began to get chillier away from the fire, and right by the water. you walked mostly in silence, enjoying the pure serenity and peace in the moment, loving the way his arms radiated warmth into your skin.

you eventually found a log to sit on, the chatter of the gathering being out of earshot, but the bonfire still being visible. luke tore off his hoodie for you, and you swore to him as you put it on that you would return it (which you both knew wasnt true).

even with his hoodie on you still cuddled up close to him, staring out into the pitch black water and starry sky. "where did connor and travis even get these fireworks?" you ask him, voice muffled into his arm.

luke chuckled a bit when asked about his siblings. "zues knows," he muttered, turning down to look at you, cheeks scrunched up against his bicep with a faraway look in your eyes. for some reason, he couldn't stop looking at you - the way the water view in front of you reflected in your eyes, the way your lips sat in a gentle pout, how big his hoodie was on you - it gave him a sense of pride that you were his. that he had somehow, someway, managed to get you.

he began to smile to himself, and shook his head, almost as if he couldn't believe this was his life. and the way you looked up at him, turning your eyesight away from the view solidified his admiration.

you looked up at him the same way you looked at the stars and sea just then - with wonder and serenity. you bit your lip for a moment, as if you were hesitating to speak. "when'd you fall in love w'me?" you ask quietly and curiously.

luke raises his eyebrows at your question. "jeez, sunshine, where'd that come from?" he asks, and you giggle softly. "i dunno, i guess i was j'wondering," you explain, still looking up at him fondly.

luke blows out a breath of air and looks away to think. he racked his brain, trying to remember. in truth, luke believed he had always been in love with you, or as least slowly falling over time. but, if he thought about it, there was one moment he remembered admitting it to himself.

it was on your last birthday, a couple months after the two of you had started dating. your father (apollo), like every year, had left you a gift on your side table to wake up to. this year it had been a necklace with a sun on it, and he remembered you were so excited. "its like i can carry a piece of him everywhere!" you had excitedly squealed to your boyfriend after breakfast. he also remembered all the other years before feeling a bit jealous - and being incredibly guilty about it. your father gave you gifts, and visited you in your dreams - yet his father could only ever give him a doomed quest. he always knew he should've been souly happy for you, and he was, but the fucked up and bitter part of him was a bit envious of the love you had received effortlessly. now looking back, it felt stupid, because he didnt need his father to love him - as long as you did, nothing else mattered in his books.

he guessed that it was then when he realized that he loved you. this time around, he couldn't even be jealous, because he understood. luke loved you so much, that if he could, he would give you just abut anything you desired, simply for existing. he didn't have it in him to be bitter, because he was just so happy that you were happy on your special day.

after a moment, luke turned back to you to explain. the whole time he spoke, you lips were twisted in a soft smile and your eyes were lit up, feeling in awe of how lucky you were. moments like these made you feel grateful for your boyfriend. you didn't exactly know what life would look like without him, but you knew you never wanted to find out.

you pouted. "aww, lukey, that was adorable!" you exclaim, your hoodie-covered fingers grabbing his face and placing a fat kiss on his lips. he chuckled. "alright, back up." he joked.

you giggled, resting you head on his shoulder. "love you, luke." you say softly and quietly.

"love y'too, sunshine." luke whispered back, scincere michief filling his voice.

not too long after, the fireworks were lit, and you and luke watched in awe as the bright colors filled the sky, hearing the distant whoops and hollars from the campers not far away along the shore. luke tried to distract you, peppering kisses on you face and tickling you, so you giggled you scolded him, telling him you wanted to enjoy the moment and look at the fireworks. but you knew deep down that his teasing would only make the memory sweeter, and undoubtedly unforgettable.

·:*¨༺🎀🦢🕯️༻¨*:·. 

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

What do you think, Azula and Zuko are more alike than their fans want to admit or are they completely opposite and going in different directions?

ANON, YOU FOOL, YOU OPENED THE FLOODGATES!

Azula and Zuko are a classic case of "same writing, different font." Just two sides of the same coin. Zuko is who Azula would be if she had been the scapegoat of the family, wore her heart on her sleeve, was just a good bender instead of a prodigy, and was willing to question Ozai. Azula is who Zuko would be if he managed to suppress emotions, didn't get in his own way due to impatience/desperate need to prove himself, was the golden child and never questioned Ozai in any way.

They have MANY things in common. Both are stubborn, proud, deeply patriotic, ambitious, social disasters yet super badass when in their element, passionate about their beliefs and, more importantly, take their roles VERY seriously - what creates contrast between them is what said roles are. Azula is the "perfect", ruthless, cunning princess that was taught to be proud about not caring for others. Zuko is disgraced son that has to prove himself (to himself, to Ozai, and, later on, to the world) that he is worthy of being the future Fire Lord.

This point is even highlighted by the role reversal that happened in the Last Agni Kai, in which Zuko is winning by using Azula's tactics, letting her attack and waste all her energy, while he saves up his own so he can strike full force once she's too tired - he even tries to goad her into using lightining so he can redirect it and win, and it would have probably worked if Azula hadn't found an easy target in Katara. Their strategies, levels of confidence and even personalities change to be more like their sibling's based on their situation.

They're also driven by the same fears: of not being good enough, of not being worthy enough, of not being loved. Fiting considering they were indoctrinated/traumatized by the same system/person, under the same roof, even if they were abused in different ways.

We see them making a ton of the same mistakes as well.

Zuko wants to make the ship go through a dangerous storm to chase the Avatar because "the safety of the grew doesn't matter", Azula has her infamous "Do the tides command this ship?" moment.

Azula banishes everyone because she's struggling to cope with her friends' "betrayal", Zuko becomes a much more cruel and self person after being disfigured by Ozai and even tries to get away from Iroh several times.

Azula is verbally abusive to her brother and sometimes her friends, Zuko is verbally abusive to their uncle.

Azula throws Zuko under the bus to be in Ozai's good graces, Zuko throws Iroh under the bus to win his dad's affection.

That last one is also part of a very noticeable pattern: Whenever Zuko is being unapologetic about being a villain, he tends to be VERY cunning and one hell of backstaber.

The Avatar returned but he couldn't capture him? He tried to keep it a secret. If no one else knows about it, they can't steal his chance to go home by capturing him first.

Some pirates want to attack the Gaang because they stole a scroll? Free henchmen. He just has to pretend this kid he wants to capture is not the Avatar, and thus not worth A LOT more than what these guys are getting as a reward. Zuko even has the nerve to go "Don't listen to him, he's just trying to divide us" when Sokka points out that he's REALLY screwing them over with this deal (they should make a support group with Long Feng).

Zhao captured the Avatar before he could? Go kidnap that monk back. It doesn't matter that Aang's capture means the nation Zuko genuinely loves will have no true obstacle in it's path for victory: If he's not the one scoring that major win, NO ONE is. His nation and his family can have their moment of glory AFTER he got his, not a second earlier.

Zhao tried to kill him and is going after the Avatar again? Time to dress up as one of his men to be taken by the idiot himself to the North Pole so he can interfere with his plans - literally the same as Azula pretending to be Suki, taking over Ba Sing Se and as a bonus discovering about their plans for the eclipse.

Azula is tracking Aang to capture him? Just follow right behind her and wait until she doesn't have her friends along so he has a better chance of winning the fight against her and being the one to take the Avatar to Ozai.

Oh, he was brought home because the Avatar is "dead"... except that might not be true, so maybe he'll be banished again? Mouth shut, Azula is the one who "killed" him anyways. Worse comes to worse, send an assassin to finish the job.

Hell, even when he's already determined to be a good person, he calls himself stupid for not blaming the whole assassin thing on his sister. Literally blaming her for his fuck up, the same way she did with that "Zuko was the one who killed the Avatar" thing.

His POV in Earth Kingdom Chronicles also give us some insight into what exactly he was thinking during the events of Crossroads of Destiny:

Zuko, I’m begging you,” Uncle said. “Look into your heart and see what it is that you truly want.” “You are free to choose,” Azula said. Then she and the Dai Li left. She is right. I am free to choose. And Uncle is right too. I must look into my heart and find what it is I truly want. That is easy. It’s what I’ve always wanted. I cannot deny my heart, my heritage, and who I truly am. I raced from the cell out into an open courtyard, where Azula was battling Katara and the Avatar. They had reached a stalemate, and then they were each waiting to see who would strike next. I did. I sent a fire blast that landed right between them. They were all looking at me, wondering what my next move would be. Good. I will show them my choice, the choice I always knew I would make.

Uncle looked at me without saying a word. Then he looked away. I can tell he’s very disappointed in me. But I had to do what I did.

Zuko is, to the Gaang, what Azula is to him: the wildcard, a huge pain in the ass, the unreliable son of a bitch that every so often gets them to chill just enough that they forget they REALLY shouldn't trust him, as he has a tendency of putting himself first, screw everyobody else. And much like he struggled to win their forgiveness and friendship after all that nonsense, Azula has to deal with Zuko's understandable suspicion of her intentions whenever she actually feels like genuinely being a good sister to him.

And what makes that parallel even more obvious (deliberately or not on the show's part) is that, when fighting Azula, Zuko is represented by the color red, but when compared to the Gaang, Zuko is constantly represented by the color blue. That's Azula's signature color, her name was literally chosen by the showrunners because of her blue flames - yet Zuko is the Blue Spirit, and is represented by the blue dragon when he and Aang meet Ran and Shaw.

And speaking of blue dragons, the "shoulder devil" in his fever dream has Azula's voice, while the "shoulder angel" has Iroh's voice... yet when he's trying to be one of the good guys, not only does Zuko explicitly ask himself "What would AZULA do?, he actually manages to be accurate when putting himself in her shoes, unlike when he tries to think/talk like Iroh, which always comes out as pure giberish.

So while the part of him that is more Azula-esque is very much treated as his "bad" side, it is still clearly a side that isn't going away, and sometimes it represents him better (and is far easier for him to understand/connect with) than the part of him that is more like Iroh - again, especially when Zuko's being compared to more "moral" people - and the writers are VERY aware of that pattern of Azula being THE person who knows how to get into Zuko's head like no one else can, mainly because of their familial relationship.

This quote about it by Bryan Konietzko in an interview was very interesting (and yes, I needed the wiki to let me know which half of "Bryke" he was 'cause I still can't tell them apart)

"When you study Eastern philosophies, the ego is a really tough enemy or antagonist. Again, we like to treat our characters very realistically. In real life, people have moments of great weakness, usually tied in with the ego. Your siblings can push your buttons. I have four siblings, a brother and three sisters, and no one can get you like your siblings. Azula knew ALL the right buttons to push to play at his weaknesses, parts of his ego which were susceptible to her. She did it well, and it was a moment where he just tasted this thing which he's wanted and focused on, obsessed over, for so long. I think it was very realistic."

Azula being Zuko's "ego" (or at least the person that can use it to their advantage the most due to her understanding of it) ties into her being his "bad" side, and makes for a nice parallel with her POV in the book Earth Kingdom Chronicles

I sent a message to Iroh’s tea shop — making it look as if the note had come from the Earth King — requesting that he and Zuko come to the palace as guests of the king, to personally serve him tea. There was no way Iroh could resist such an offer. The next day, I watched from the shadows as Iroh and Zuko set up tea in the palace tea room. I marveled at how soft and so pitifully domesticated they had both become. The once great general, who was called the Dragon of the West, and the Fire Lord’s firstborn, preparing tea like servants. If my father could see his son … Well, no matter. Soon they will be back in the Fire Nation, or else they will be destroyed.

I know he doesn’t believe Iroh and all his talk of turning to goodness. I know what Zuko wants deep in his heart. I have always known him better than anyone else. He can’t hide his true feelings and desires from me, no matter what he says, no matter how noble a face he puts on for others. I know what choice he will make, even if he doesn’t know.

It's interesting how Azula knew how to appeal to Iroh's ego as well - and that she's almost offended on their behalf, seeing them acting as servants, because, whatever her issues with them, they're still from the same bloodline as herself, and she very much would NOT accept being in such position, therefore they shouldn't be playing that role either (and it's clear she'll deal with them harshly if they fail to prove they were not, indeed, "domesticated").

But it's also obvious that she has a much better understanding of how to bring Zuko to her side - and that she doesn't care that much if Iroh follows along or just gets destroyed. Zuko was very much the true goal, and she actually lets us know why.

Poor, poor Zuko. I actually feel sorry for him. He still doesn’t understand, even at his moment of ultimate achievement. “Father doesn’t need to restore your honor, Zuko,” I explained. “Today you restored your own honor.” My brother looked away from me with a pained expression across his face. I hope he can eventually believe what I have told him: that by choosing his family, by choosing me over the Avatar, he has come back to his rightful place in the Fire Nation. And I welcome him by my side.

If Azula is Zuko's ego, the part of him that encourages his manipulative, selfish, cruel tendencies, Zuko is Azula's heart. That part of her that is still, in some way, innocent. Just a young girl that wants her brother to come home, so they can be a family again. The part of her that wants to be beside him, not three steps ahead of him in everything, taunting him about how he'll never catch up - because if he doesn't, she's alone.

Zuko's mistake was indulging his ego way too much, Azula's mistake was neglecting her heart - and both mistakes are a result of the same thing, namely Ozai and what he thought made someone strong or weak. Admiting fault and caring for others is weakness, and needs to be punished harshly. Burning everything down to be king of the ashes is strength.

And loyalty is something he demands from, and imposes on, others, not something HE is to ever give to anyone, hence him leaving Azula behind in the finale, to which she argues "You can't treat me like that, you can't treat me like Zuko."

She played by his rules, she neglected her heart so she would be worthy of Ozai's love - and then he took his love back anyway, just because he could. And then Zuko shows up and gets his happy ending after having asked Katara "How would you like to help me put Azula in her place?" He tamed his ego, and was rewarded for it.

Now, there is one big problem with that dynamic of "Zuko has to be loved, Azula has to be controled" which is when an incompetent writer crosses the line from making that literal instead of symbolic - which is how we end up with the Yang comics, in which Zuko cannot be described as anything but Azula's abuser, whom she's both loyal to and incredibly hateful towards.

He's the new Ozai, which is very ironic considering that was what Azula wanted him to be, and what the comics are telling us Zuko is fighting back against, even though he's constantly framed as the good guy for showing his sister the back of his hand (or an asylum to be neglected in, or the edge of a cliff to be thrown off of) when she's in the middle of a psychotic breakdown.

The show avoided that gross narrative with one simple solution: Ego's (Azula's) "Death" is not the triumph one would expect. She's humanized more than ever in the finale (and before in The Beach), the music is somber, and Zuko looks at her with pity by the end of the battle because this is a tragedy.

Because Azula is not just part of him, a symbolic element of his arc, she's her own person - and Ehasz making it clear that he planted the seeds for Zuko to help Azula redeem herself by showing her unconditional love frames his return as being not just her foe coming back to defeat her, but as her Heart sweeping in to rescue her.

Because, despite all the false dichotomy about how it's either him or her ("born lucky, lucky to be born", "I'm about to celebrate becoming an only child", "the showdown that was always meant to be") it simply is not a true victory for Zuko if the consequence is Azula's demise - and clearly the same applied to her, since she went out of her way to bring him back home.

...And to give credit where credit is due, even Gene Yang didn't fuck that up completely as, in Smoke and Shadow, when Azula is talking to Zuko (in a crypt belonging to a former Fire Lord's most trusted advisor no less) the man has Azula herself tell Zuko that sooner or later he'll realize they're one in the same.

(Even if I suspect that is just a result of him continuing trying to make Azula "Avatar's Joker" and since Zuko would be Batman, she would be obsessed with being his opposite and "completing" him, but hey, accidentally getting something right is still getting something right)

Oh, and they're both really pretty. That has nothing to do with anything, but I felt the need to mention it anyway.

[truedarkhunter]

Ciel, the internal struggle (A Deep Dive)

Ciel can be a hard one to get into the headspace of for writing or creating art at times. With some of the details coming to light of how Our Ciel (O!Ciel) is actually the younger of a set of twins and took the name of his older brother the Real Ciel (R!Ciel) gives more insight into his motivations. (I'm just going to refer to the MC as Ciel and his brother as his older brother to make it easier to read.) Ciel's history is dark, as this is a horror anime/manga, even if it has lighthearted moments. It's heavier than Moriarty, The Patriot and probably closer to DeathNote with the 'I monster I became, lest a monster I become' idea. It certainly has the Shinigami/Grim Reapers along with the investigations. Basically: This is your trigger warning that this post is going to be a bit heavy because this character has been through the wringer. If violence and abuse and s.a. are not something you can handle today, this is not the post for you. Please guard your mental health.

Okay! That said, I will try to be gentle with the subject, but it's not my forte.

Also: expect spoilers. This is a deep dive. If you haven't read or watched Black Butler, you may get too much information. By the same token, this is some very specific character stuff so it just might not make sense if you aren't familiar with the segments referenced. I'm going from early childhood and the conditions of the time period forward to where the manga and anime have covered thus far.) Onward! Ciel was born into an affluent family of privilege as an unhealthy younger son. His brother would have been set to inherit everything. The author, Yana Toboso, really strongly leaned in on the "heir and spare" idea, but seemed to overplay it with the 'why were you even born aspect'. The answer is right in the line heir and SPARE. With the setting, about 2 out of every 5 children died before the age of five in the 1800's as it was a time before vaccines. It is surprising that the family didn't have more children rather than it had two.

So expect that Ciel and his older brother had friends in their circle or heard from adults talking that some of the children they knew passed away before the inciting incident (the moment that started the story arc of the series) began. The Victorian Era is chock-full of examples of death being a regular part of the culture. This is important as it shapes what is 'normal' for Ciel.

Children that made it past the childhood diseases stage usually lived a long time, that would be particularly true of the upper class who had both regular meals, shelter, heat, and adequate clothing. The upper class was also able to have their houses cleaned regularly by staff and their linens bleached which killed off illnesses. (This is part of why 'white bedsheets' and 'white linens' are popular during this period and into the early 1900's. Dyed cloth would be ruined by bleach so such items were just kept white. White showed any stain, so having everything perfectly white meant they were either frequently replaced or scrupulously maintained. The wearing of white gloves meant you didn't get your hands dirty or could afford to replace/strongly clean them on the regular. (That or you were very, very cautious.) White was associated with purity which was associated with godliness. Those aspects show up in the series as well.

From the very title "Black Butler" to the red dress Ciel pulls out to adorn his aunt in, to the lilies Undertaker is seen with meaning "innocent" it's woven into the story. Ciel is also used to strong color in clothing. It was fashionable to change outfits at different times of the day. This showed off your wealth, as well as adjusted for changes in temperature/social situations. True blues, bright reds, and such were difficult to get, and so were very costly. Many dyes were not color-fast and used dangerous reagents to to make them.

That mourning black that you were expected to wear? You called out a tailor to your home and had the family sized for it and didn't go outside until you had the mourning clothing. What was in it? Arsenic. People who had that against their skin and sweated or got it wet could get arsenic poisoning and perish themselves! That saying "Don't cry your eyes out"? If someone mourned too heavily and got their veil wet could go blind from it! So changing clothing to avoid the dyes tainting your skin was also a good idea. Ciel likely had an occasion or two where playing around puddles got him and his brother in trouble because the dyes got on their skin and would take days to get back to normal. Likewise, some of the harsh chemicals, including the bleach, may have aggravated the main character's asthma. Those periodic episodes may have come right after the linens returned and were still strongly scented of the bleach used to clean them. Alternatively, the rainy/damp weather may have drawn out the arsenic in the Scheele's Green wallpaper at some of the homes they visited (made with arsenic again!).

This wallpaper and the stench of the waste dumped in the street and into the River Thames is why "The Season" existed. It came to be noticed that people felt ill when they were indoors (around the arsenic wallpaper) and did better outside in the (relatively) fresh air. So it became common to go out to the country during the warmer months for healthful constitutionals. It also got people away from the stench of the city. (Look up The Great Stink of 1858 in England. Ciel's parents would have experienced it.) Between that and the recommendation of the doctors of the time, Rachel and Vincent would have taken to bringing the children out to the country more.

Quite possibly, his parents originally lived in London more and then went to their mansion estate to stay after their children were born because of Ciel's health problems. Even so, his parents still entertained, as seen during the Noah's Ark Circus/Book of Circus arc. Vincent was still keeping his eye on the underworld for Queen Victoria. As such, he had more than social obligation, but a required need to interact frequently with the people in society in order to feel them out to determine which rumors were true and which were false.

To that end, we can expect that Ciel's father was eloquent and charming. We see him being a tender father and a dedicated, caring husband. He also had a flip side that had to handle taking out the threats to the Queen and he couldn't be squeamish about it. Because of that, the hunting trips with his sister were likely important to him. He could dress a deer or hide a body. Hunting as a sport was a great way to arrange an 'accident'. His sister, who is as good with a gun as a sword, shows an uptight demeanor around Ciel. Some of that is likely that she always worried about her brother and now worries about Ciel. Hence her wanting them to be perfect in both appearance and action. The job of the Queen's Guard Dog allowed no room for error. She may also harbor suspicions of Ciel's actual identity, hence the "fix your hair"! The ill younger brother may not have had to be meticulously groomed all the time, but the elder likely did. Moreover, having a slovenly appearance could lead to rumors of him being an imposter or just unfit for the role and he can't afford that. Rumors could kill.

The boys had undeniably heard about their family line holding this important position. There would be gentle explanations and some success stories or funny ones, then the untold part of why their grandparents were no longer around when other kids still had theirs. Ciel had some idea beforehand of what this life was like, but not the reality of it.

One of the holdovers from his grandparents time is the Undertaker. He was a friend to his grandmother Cloudia, and since she married the Queen's Guard Dog, he likely used his ability to read the records of the dead to aid them...although he then found tangible things like notes in pockets or inquiring in town to the right people. That he knew where to look for that piece of paper or which people to talk to would be considered a "knack". The brothers would also have known the members of Dad's secret club, the Aristocrats of Evil (or Villainous Nobles) as little gets past the eyes of children.

He had his circle of informants that he relied upon, as that was exactly who they were. The current iteration has Chlaus, Diedrich, Undertaker, Lau, Angelina Dalles (his aunt, deceased), Azzuro Vanel (deceased), Pitt, an Unidentified woman, and Unidentified man with a scarred left eye. (See: Kuroshitsuji fandom wiki, Aristocrats of Evil)

Chlaus, Diedrich, Lau, and Azzuro handled external/international threats. Lau and Azzuro are particularly about Chinese and Italian Mafia and the drugs and other contraband such groups were trying to bring into England. Undertaker was the only place to get aid with funerals and a little with medical advice and surgeries (I suspect). He handled news from the less affluent quarters and listened in the corners at funerals as they were big events and people talked. The truth could come out of what a person was really like and these occasions were as important as weddings for networking. Knowing who was arranging meetings with whom could prove important later.

He also had insight into supernatural goings on, however he may or may not have relayed it. Angelina Dalles, aka Madame Red, ran in the social circles of the aristocrats and heard all the latest gossip. Those leads, and her information from being a medical practitioner could allow the Queen's Guard Dog to know who was up to what and then have the medical reports to back up claims if someone got injured suspiciously. Pitt is a paparazzi before that title got popular. People love sensational stories and he would get them or pictures for the paper who ran them. Unlike Diedrich, Undertaker, or Angelina, he has no deeper ties of loyalty to the family and is purely there for the money.

This circle is whom Ciel inherits and it almost immediately begins breaking down. The loyalty to his father did not simply translate to him in all cases. Life also moved on and people change. Hence the attempted kidnapping by Azzuro and the discovery of Madame Red's dark activities on the side. Some are overly attached, such as Undertaker, and the tale is taking some wild turns because of it. That there are multiple supernatural beings having a hand in his life (Undertaker, Sebastian, Grelle), some arcs do not resolve naturally (such as the potential redemption of his aunt at the end of the Red Reaper arc) while his continued existence is itself due to supernatural intervention (the butler).

This causes him to rely more and more on his butler, which is exactly how Sebastian desires it. It is also why when Soma and Agni appear on the scene it is such a consternation for his butler. Soma claims friendship, regardless of how Ciel tries to distance himself, and has the social status to ignore Ciel's attitudes. Likewise, Agni shows himself not only a potent peer to Sebastian, but skilled at organizing others so that their talents shine. (The servants competently preparing things in the kitchen together in the anime under Agni's supervision in contrast to their incompetence being resolved solely by Sebastian in the first episode and at the picnic later with Lizzy.) The selfishness of the demon and his pride made him want to show off his skills and talents. Growing the skills of the others doesn't come naturally to him, nor is it desirable as it would diminish the young master's reliance upon him. That shock is very real and a moment of growth in the butler, but goes a little under the radar for Ciel. The young master was likely just grateful things were quiet for an afternoon among his servants.

Ciel not only needed to step into his brother's shoes, he had to start handling the accounts for the estate. Which begs the question:

Why Ciel?

(Informational) He may have overheard the kidnappers describing the requirements for making a pact with a demon if one showed up. If he somehow had the presence of mind, he may have given the false name to the demon in hopes of getting out of the pact later if he decided he didn't like what was going to happen.

(Coldly Rational) He may have known that there would be other claimants for his family's position and he could lose his position and possibly fall into the hands of the person who betrayed them if he came back as his true named self. As Ciel, even being young, he would be the strongest claimant for the position and it would allow him to investigate who did this to his family.

(Romantic Notion) He could have taken it simply to keep some part of his beloved twin alive. It would be the only memorial he could have for him. This was a difficult thing for him to pull off even as close as he was as it seems his brother was more extroverted and probably tougher and sassier. It's one thing to look like his brother; it's another to consistently pass as his brother. Hence how Lizzy felt so horrible that she had missed it or glossed over the signs once the older brother made his appearance. Falling ill from his asthma would have been a dead giveaway to those closest to him, hence he didn't disclose it even to his butler. Yet his life and plan relied upon it.

Another part of Ciel's life now revolved around social interaction. He not only had to do the books, but he had to tour the lands and talk to the people who worked it for him and provided his living. This is something his brother would have been getting introduced to, but he may not have. In the anime, the butler helps facilitate it just as he handled it up until that point. Having Sebastian provide the names and backgrounds before they arrived and appraising Ciel of what their needs were would help Ciel to ingratiate himself in his father's place. That he actually addresses their concerns and insures things run smoothly at that level even if it costs him some of his funds, solidified the worker's support.

I suppose we must now address what happened that launched the Black Butler story. While the boys would have been sheltered, the trips to their other holdings would have exposed them to some of what life was like in the rest of England and particularly London.

They would see people being homeless in the street, hear about the long hours for the working class where their bosses wouldn't let them have rest breaks off their feet, causing them to have health issues. People losing body parts from industrial accidents, getting illnesses that weren't treatable or were given quack treatments, these were all common in his world. They'd hear some of it from their aunt interspersed with boring gossip as well as their friends and family's attitudes towards the other classes. There were the realities in the world he and his brother were getting introduced to as they reached double digits and were starting to get taken around to learn how to govern their lands.

Somewhere amongst those friends and relatives was someone who planned to overthrow their father. The manga has a meeting between Vincent and Diedrich where the twins are present where it seems like Vincent may have an inkling that something risky is coming up. That or they just finished something that made Vincent concerned for the future as he asks Diedrich to give his allegiance and support to his son should something happen to him. Likewise, the anime showed that Vincent knew his fate was coming to meet him and he couldn't avoid it. However, he didn't expect for his children to be caught up in it, nor likely his wife. Speculation: It may be that when the Queen's Guard Dog becomes too well-known, they aren't as effective. Alternatively, there may be a set term limit to insure there is no question of loyalty from corruption or bribery. That would allow he family to continue to pass down the responsibility each generation, yet explain why they wind up having shortened lifespans. (Not that the job is oh-so-safe in the first place!)

There is evidence that the older brother knew the people who did it and was likely duped into letting them into the house or giving up information that would allow them to infiltrate. It is unlikely that he was actively attempting to take over. Given his age and skill level, he wouldn't be ready to take over for his father. It could be a Lion King sort of moment, as Yana has drawn from Hamlet for this tale as well, but if so then it would have been to convince the heir that they would like to be the Earl sooner. Wouldn't it be fun?

It would be interesting if one of the people involved planned to manipulate the heir, while those under him had a different idea since they suffered under the Watch Dog and figured getting rid of the family entirely and selling off the kids would be more effective. Either way, our Ciel knows that his brother knew something about their attackers.

They were sold in the underground, quite likely by the Viscount of Druitt himself or an underling. It appeared to be a very upper-class group involved. The images showed rather well-dressed people and Undertaker was caught off-guard by event and had trouble retrieving the twins during that month. Upper class in this case may also involve angels, which would truncate Undertaker's ability to act which may be why he didn't get the older brother back until he had passed. Alternatively, he only got it back when the crime scene was discovered and so had whatever hours the child had been dead to deal with in reanimating him. Yet if the site was burned, it implies he was nearby and able to swoop in as soon as it fell into the grey area that Grim Reapers operate in. Whether or not we will get to see angels has yet to be determined in the manga although the first season of the anime had them. While much of the anime is not cannon, Yana clearly had themes she relayed that she is running with. It would feel a bit incomplete to have the black and the grey without the white for this canvas. What we do have is a play on the spiritual movement and esoteric fascination of the time.

France was profiting on this by selling books said to be "meant for church use" in the introduction which allowed them to hock ones listing supposed demons. Many of them were barely altered names of gods among other things. Such books were considered restricted items normally just as sexually explicit pieces were. Hence the use of the 'for church use' tag to slip it past the censors. These were displayed in secretive collections as Victorians wanted to be 'in the know'. (So just because a source is old doesn't mean it's reputable. People trying to scam others have always existed.) However, this means people were attempting to discover the secrets beyond the Veil. The bored rich had the time and resources to try and summon the demons listed.

One particularly decadent group in the Black Butler setting turned to performing the most perverse rites, harming children bought through Druitt or some other seller. To these people the twin Phantomhive children went. The group spent a month turning them from pure and innocent into terribly shocked, ill, abused children all to try to summon a demon. At the end, they sacrificed one of the pair and it worked. Unbeknownst to them, a sacrifice had to be something that had meaning and closeness to you. Hence the demon went to Ciel. His brother's soul acted as the price for passage. He also had the strongest emotions and desire in the place, a desire for revenge.

During it all, the pair relied on each other for strength and purpose. They kept swallowing their father's signet ring and digging through the dung later to retrieve it and swallow it again so that it wouldn't be taken from them and they could prove whom they were once they escaped. That support is likely what kept them from breaking utterly as with the other children. It was clear they weren't given enough food, and were force fed to keep them alive, and their fine clothes were worn down to or replaced with rags. They were getting close to passing from the neglect. That was when the group pulled one of them from the cage at random. They didn't know they took the eldest, and that was important for the younger brother in order to assume the eldest's identity. With the loss of his brother, Ciel's anger outweighed his despair in that moment and brought the demon to his side. He had nothing left to lose in his mind, so he made the pact. Then his first order was to kill all those present and to burn the place to the ground.

While this would seem to make sense, who wouldn't want to destroy everything after such an event? It also feeds into his mindset after all he went through. Ciel wants oblivion. Had it been him on the altar, he probably would have felt relief and just given up. However, with duty pressed so hard on him and the loss of his brother, he felt compelled to live through the moment. However, once he has satisfied his need to know who did this to his family and exact his revenge, he wants not to die, but to no longer be. Oblivion.

In the first season anime, he showed that he intended to keep his part of the Faustian pact. Interestingly, while he didn't want to continue, he asked that Sebastian not make an effort to be gentle as he wanted the pain of it to be engraven upon his soul as proof that he had a life that was worth living. In that iteration, the butler simply replied, "Indeed, my young lord."

With all he had been through, Ciel would not believe himself able to come back from that damage. There is evidence of this. We get to see him suffering nightmares for months on end as the butler stays by his side and protects him. Likewise, when he faces other children being put through what he faced in a recreation of the rite, he has the butler burn the place down just as he did before. He intimates that no one that has gone through such things is really there anymore. Since he doesn't ask the other children if they want to live, he is answering based on his own experience and mindset - they are walking dead to him. Because of how he treats them, you can see how he feels about himself. He's going through the motions, but he feels he's already dead inside but for duty and revenge.

Given how little mental health care existed at the time, there isn't much reason or chance for him to recover. The Queen certainly has him hopping right away and the breakneck pace of a case every two weeks to a month doesn't allow Ciel much time to sort himself.

One of the best aids for his mindset is the presence of Lizzy. Because she is a callback to the good days of his childhood, and because of his responsibility to her as a fiancé in place of his brother, he pulls upon older memories and reactions. While dusty, they are still there. He indulges her, partially to hide whom he really is, and partially as he knows he can never fulfill her dream and be her husband. It is unlikely that he can view he games of man and maid in any wholesome light after all he had been through. For this reason, I cannot see Ciel honestly being paired with anyone.

It could be he could grow over time and find some form of happiness. Yana drew a 'what if' piece for Ciel if he had stayed on at the circus with Doll. So that if the conditions were right, he might find some level of safety and comfort could have maybe been possible, but given this is a horror anime with a Faustian pact, it isn't meant to be. Moreover, since he is fully aware of his deal, Ciel knows he must stick to his bargain or forfeit his life early. He doesn't dare express too much affection, even if he feels some amount of it, lest he trigger some nullification clause that takes him out before his revenge is complete. We see this in the Green/Emerald Witch arc where Ciel has to recover from his brush with a a dangerous chemical and winds up being too afraid for a while to continue his hunt. At that point, Sebastian goes in to eat him and gets rebuffed. When Ciel asks if he were actually going to do it, Sebastian replies he was only 90% serious. So yes, Ciel has parameters set to continue to have the services of his butler. That also means he can't necessarily take time to heal.

In the anime, Sebastian describes the experiences and emotions Ciel has gone through as a sort of seasoning to his soul. Since he wants his master to be at some desired flavor combinations of emotions, it is unlikely that he would tolerate changes that would undo something the demon considered beneficial towards his later repast.

That is another reason it can be hard to get into Ciel's head as some of what he does is driven by the butler's requirements rather than his own. Ciel does state what he wants to achieve. What he has to go through to get it is not necessarily what Ciel bargained for, somewhat literally.

Another side of Ciel is the further loss of people close to him. Those who should have been on his side, protecting him, became mortal enemies. This was especially true of his own aunt, Angelina Dalles. As I mentioned above, she appeared to be about to repent and possibly reconcile with Ciel when her life was ended by the Grim Reaper/Shinigami she had befriended and run with. Seeing her true motivations and thoughts in her cinematic record, Grelle Sutcliff declared her "unworthy of the color red" and claimed her jacket.

Now it could be that the shock of the events cause Ciel to forget meeting the Grim Reaper, or it could be that once away from such supernatural beings, the events tend to grow fuzzy and slip out of mind. People don't tend to handle such well. Add in the other things Ciel has been through and it isn't surprising that he might throw it all in a box in the back of the attic of his mind and label it as "do not open".

At his aunt's funeral, Ciel went against all custom at the time and ignored the idea that dressing her in white. Dressing someone in white was to prepare them for their arrival in Heaven. Instead he says she always looked best in flaming red and presents her with her own red dress. Whether this is a desire to throw away the pretense and embrace the person she really was or a revelation of her sinful nature and death at her funeral is up to debate. He didn't accuse her for he doesn't see himself as better than her. His hands are just as covered in blood. However, he chose to honor her passing as a family member that he once cared for and shed tears for her although Lizzy shed more for both of them. That loss left Ciel a little colder, more isolated, and more cynical than before.

Certainly it is easier for Ciel to escape dealing with his traumas by keeping busy and moving forward towards his ultimate goal. Yet that feels a little false. People can't run from their experiences forever. When they get overtired or overtaxed those things will come out. Likewise, trauma revisits when people do start to heal. The brain says "you're in a better place, let's process things!" So in some sense, the Green Witch arc forced him to process some of the horrors he's seen before facing more. Likewise, his trust in his other servants, particularly Finny, increases during those trials. Much of Ciel's outlook towards other people is cynical and utterly untrusting. He doesn't believe in goodness anymore or God. If people are being nice, they must be hiding other motives in his book. That's why he thinks he can be transactional with someone like Abberline and can't quite process that maybe there really are people, outside of the ones from his past like Lizzy, that are actually as good as they appear.

With the Campania/Book of the Atlantic arc, Ciel has to face his feelings towards Lizzy. There are hints of him heading towards puberty as he starts feeling more awkward around her, but doesn't know what to do with those emotions. Then he gets to find out how capable she really is and how she can protect him as much as he desired to protect her.

Protective is the primary feeling he has towards Lizzy. She is that last strong link to his past that is positive. For that reason, he's willing to do a great deal to protect her body and her feelings. That doesn't mean he's always good at it or that he's tolerant of all her actions, he's still a young boy just growing into his teens himself, but he tries hard to master his own emotions and find the words needed to be gracious to her when all is said and done. He also knows he can do nothing but let her down ultimately, so he's doing his best to do so gently that she might keep the better memories of him when he's no longer there.

By the Public School arc, Ciel has become better at hiding his true self and being ruthless in his pursuit and smooth with his lies. He learned to paste on a fake smile in the circus and has butted heads with enough adults that he has a good idea of how people work. He's not used to dealing with peers and so underestimates them just as adults underestimate him...with similar results. By the end, he has achieved a level of competence that can carry him towards his final goal.

When we arrive at the Blue Sect arc and beyond, those skills and resolve get challenged as he faces his older brother and is driven from his home and all his resources. This echoes the anime where London is burning and he is forced out and loses access to his butler for a time. His situation and limitations physically are made clear as he can hardly dress himself without help. If the manga keeps going with the theme, Ciel may have to sell off or lose the few things he's held onto such as the family signet ring and the Phantomhive cursed blue ring. This is sort of a call back to the preparation for death. A version of "you can't take it with you" where Ciel must determine what is still important as things disintegrate around him. He can't hold on to relationships nor items, nor is he supposed to. Only he can decide in the end, from a detached point of view, if his life and efforts are worth having lived at all. So we will see how the manga finishes out. This was quite a long and rambling piece that took me all day to complete. Hopefully it will give you, the reader, some insight on Ciel's inner thoughts as well as what shaped him growing up so you can read deeper into his past and story and possibly write him better or a little easier. He's troubled, secretive, and secretly still caring and trying to do what he thinks is right to a degree, while denying that he still holds any such notions dear to his heart anymore. He lies, manipulates, and lies to himself as well, but he still moves forward and embraces his mistakes and learns from them. He has no veil in front of his eyes, and hopes for nothing in his future as he attempts to fulfill a single set of goals/wishes. That's Ciel Phantomhive at this point in time. Whether he is purely mortal, some strange blend of immortal and mortal, or simply a version of Hamlet, he stands in as the wounded character faced with a tragic story that he can't stop, but he can chose how he goes out for that final bow. Let me know if you agree or disagree or see him in a different light.

[blluespirit]

Zuko's official defection post-DOBS

I made a post about this here, but I NEED to talk about Zuko defecting more, so here's a deeper dive into Zuko's desertion post-the Day of Black Sun and the crazy impact it could have had on the narrative if only we'd had more time:

In the series before the day of black sun, Zuko had been labeled a traitor, even if he'd not fully committed to the cause yet, but the reason that this is so different and should have had far reaching consequences is because of two things:

Zuko returned home. He was a great propaganda story for Ozai to use in his continued campaign. Despite years banished, ordered to do the impossible, Zuko actually did it. He 'killed' the Avatar and returned home to take his rightful place at his father's side. It's a version of a 'rags to riches' story (except riches to rags to riches and all of it is a lie lol).

The uhhhh... incredibly suspicious circumstances of Zuko leaving. To the outside it looks like this: Zuko 'kills' the Avatar and returns home a hero. Then, when his nation is at it's weakest, the Avatar reveals himself to be alive and leads an invasion right into the capital. Zuko escapes at the same time the Avatar and his companions do. So... Zuko obviously didn't kill the Avatar, and mysteriously disappeared before any consequences could befall him. So, there are several burning questions that people would be desperate to know: What did Zuko do to convince Azula of all people that he really did kill the Avatar? How much did Azula know? Did Aang and Zuko plan for this so they'd have an inside party during the invasion? Did Zuko come home always intending to defect? Regardless of it being true or false would quickly become redundant. The point is that people will talk and react according to what they hear if they see him; most likely it won't be a positive reception with few exceptions.

With all of that, the Gaang must navigate the Fire Nation: the place that hates Zuko the most right now... which says a lot, considering he's the son of the man trying to destroy the world.

Building on what I said in point 1; the smear campaign against would have been dialled up to a thousand. The literal Crown Prince of the Fire Nation defected. You cannot get a more high-profile defector than that. Jeong Jeong's leaving was a big deal, now lets take that and make it so much worse. Ozai would understand that such an event is undoubtably going to stir conversation and thought; and he wants that conversation to be directed in a very particular way. He and his council/generals would know they need to squash any potential rebellion before it can breathe and use Zuko's actions as a reason to become even more patriotic. They'd be doing everything they can to stir up anger, to make them out as the victim - Zuko was corrupted by the Earth Kingdom people since he spent time living among them, eating their roof, wearing their clothes, sleeping in their beds. He can no longer be seen as Fire. Truth would become redundant. Zuko has committed the ultimate betrayal. (I think to Zuko and Mai's interaction at the Boiling Rock prison;

MAI: The warden's my uncle, you idiot. [Zuko facepalms and sighs; Mai shows him a letter.] The truth is, I guess I don't know you. All I get is a letter? You could have at least looked me in the eye when you ripped out my heart. ZUKO: I didn't mean to - MAI: You didn't mean to? [Reading the letter.] "Dear Mai, I'm sorry that you have to find out this way, but I'm leaving." ZUKO: Stop! This isn't about you. This is about the Fire Nation! MAI: [Sarcastically.] Thanks Zuko, that makes me feel all better. [Throws the letter at him.] ZUKO: [Stands up.] Mai, I never wanted to hurt you. But I have to do this to save my country. MAI: Save it? You're betraying your country! ZUKO: That's not how I see it.

Mai's complicated and misguided feelings are all tied up in Zuko, because she's right. She doesn't know him. She thinks he's betraying them all; Zuko is trying to save them all. She fundamentally does not know who he is. When they last knew each other, they were just little children. They're older now, and there's an abyss of experience between them; one of them staying in comfortable familiarity of the Fire Nation, the other falling further and further out of that sphere until eventually he realises the truth. Mai doesn't really love Zuko - she can't, because she doesn't know he is (and vice versa).

Rant aside, I think this energy can be placed to many civilians in the Fire Nation. Although only gone for three years, he was so young when he left, it's unlikely anyone had much of a conceptualisation of him. Now, all people know is this: Zuko was banished for disrespect, he's lack of honour. He 'killed' the Avatar and returned home, only to disappear soon after the Avatar appeared, leading an invasion. That's not much to base an opinion on, and when your surrounded by propaganda, it might be impossible to see through the lies.

We can also some healthy inferencing here to how the Fire Nation would feel about Zuko's action as well by remembering what Iroh and Zuko's first wanted poster read: “Permission is granted to kill them on sight" and that was in Book 1, when Zuko's in-denial treason was pretty tame compared to this. I'd wager the bounty on Zuko's head would be... large. Whether he'd be worth more alive or dead is up to you. I can see the lines falling either way (he's committed an egregious act against his nation: there's either np other option but to kill him, or they want him alive as a big power-play).

Regardless, a bounty on his head makes him a target and not just any target, he's the target. What is he wanted for? Treason of the highest order, that is consistent. The details? Well that depends who you talk to and what poster you read. The point is that each detail creates fear and loathing until only two things are certain, capturing/killing the traitor prince will reward you with a lot of money; helping the traitor will cost you your life.

Lastly; Zuko was the crown prince. Now, he's the traitorous ex-prince allying with the Avatar to overthrow his own country. He's dangerous in a whole new way. Even though Ozai would remove him from the line of succession, it would be clear what the Avatar's ploy here is. Zuko is not just his Firebending teacher, but who he intends to sit on the thrown after he disposes of Ozai

All of this to say, navigating the Fire Nation should have been harder and navigating it with a newly traitorous Zuko should have been terrifying.

[magentagalaxies]

"tour of duty" (the filmed version of their 2002 tour) in general is just kind of a bizarre point for kids in the hall that i haven't really talked to any of them about but is hard not to notice when you look at their entire canon. like it's certainly good - there are some tour-original sketches that i highly enjoy and some live versions of filmed sketches that take a fun creative spin on it, but in general things just feel noticeably strange.

buddy cole specifically tells the fur trappers to "fuck off" (buddy very rarely swears and across all the buddy material i've watched for the documentary he's only said "fuck" 3 times across forty years). danny husk wins an award for being a high school vice principal and at&love isn't acknowledged in the bit. the "is he?" sketch has been revised to pack in as many euphemisms for gay as possible, putting the bit on top of another bit. and of course i have my chicken lady thoughts but i don't want to bias anyone else bc i genuinely want to know what your takes are before i share mine.

and again these aren't all bad choices - i think the danny husk vice principal monologue works really well and may not work as well as a different character despite contradicting the Husk Lore™️. but they're all very distinctive choices

idk there's two reasons i personally give for why tour of duty is so strange (to me at least, maybe other people don't notice). the first is that it comes less than 3 years after their other tour-film, the 1999/2000 tour "same guys new dresses" (also available on youtube!) i fucking love SGND and i'll be up front that it's my preferred kith tour video. but part of what makes SGND so special is that it's not just a recording of the live show, it's a full tour documentary following the guys traveling across the country performing together, occasionally showing full sketches but also delving into the stories behind why the sketches played out the way they did. and, sure, sometimes that means cutting out a sketch that i wish i could've seen in full (rip power of the suburbs) but my life is so much better for having seen the "laser eye surgery gossip" or knowing how much drama that goddamn robot-dog-prop caused.

so to then see tour of duty as a straight-up recording of the live show leaves that element of mystery, that we don't get to know why choices were made because we only see the end result. there was a conscious decision not to shoot tour of duty like SGND - the tour doc didn't do well financially, and they also had more of a reason to document that tour since it was their first time working together since the disastrous fallout of "brain candy," and first big national tour since the show ended. the circumstances were just very different

and that's true both personally and politically bc the second suspected reason for tour of duty's weird tone is you can obviously tell 9/11 just happened. two sketches directly reference it - bruce and mark's businessman characters sell scam patriotic products that are all just a rubber band, and buddy cole visits the middle east and ends up having sex with saddam hussein (tho fun fact this concept was written BEFORE 9/11). but the event casts an obvious shadow, especially since both the buddy cole bit and the danny husk monologue were recycled pieces from scott's cancelled one-man-show which was set to debut in new york city on september 19th 2001.

it's also interesting comparing this to SGND. the late 90s are often remembered through rose-tinted glasses due to a generally good economy in the united states and a lot of the social tensions with disenfranchised groups still bubbling under the surface rather than being talked about openly. SGND doesn't reference contemporary events much, but the closure of AT&Love from the KITH finale is undone since the economy has re-entered "rock-on fashion," and buddy cole comments on the Y2K computer bug being underwhelming. (i also went on a super long tangent on how the original show reflected the socioeconomic climate of the 90s but that's a whole other topic i need to go to bed)

i don't know how the KITH feel about "tour of duty." i can't know how much this strangeness was felt for them backstage, and i think in some regards it can only be picked up on as an outsider, albeit an outsider who has watched so much KITH content to know how their work evolved even when not on television. all in all, i'm glad "tour of duty" exists and even the swings that didn't really land for me are still admirable as creative choices.

it's also cool to analyze as someone who has now been to a KITH live show over 2 decades later and got to see those behind-the-scenes conversations play out. the bellini benefit also featured a lot of strangeness, caused by a limited rehearsal schedule and one of the cast members being unable to attend due to illness, but they absolutely exceeded these limitations to put on a very fun show. we did film the performance and rehearsals and that show is going to be released eventually (i'm not in charge of it but the person who is also works on the buddy cole doc so i'm involved). i don't know if it's going to be presented more like SGND or tour of duty or something completely different, but it'll be cool to be part of KITH live show canon

[wof-reworked]

ok I can't stop thinking about the jade winglet, here's my gender hcs for all of them

Moonwatcher - she/they (nonbinary)

I feel like this is fun bc rn (in canon) her gender is just "anxiety" but like,,, one day in the future she gets to actually play around with it

like she captures a very specific type of person I've met who you go "oh I mean I know she's gay but she's probably cis..." and then you have like one real convo and find out they're like not only nonbinary but better at it then you

I think she should get to be butch when she's older. I think she deserves being a) massive compared to her two twink boyfriends and b) gnc as shit

Kinkajou- any/all (genderfluid +transfem)

Kinkajou strikes me as being like. totally ambivalent to gender. Kinkajou changes her pronouns based on how the fruit he ate for breakfast makes him feel. Kinkajou is better than you

I think she was like staunchly using she/her for a while bc it just felt right and like changes pronouns situationally- Rainwing village is she/her, Jade Academy is any/all, close friends it varies, etc etc

Qibli- he/they (transmasc)

Qibli's just always kind of known who he is, and has been like. pretty contentedly in his corner for a while. I think it's like- a pillar of stability for him of like "at least I know I'm (x)"

Proximity to Moonwatcher puts the they/them in there bc I think it's nice when ppl get more comfortable so they start branching out a lil bit :> Qibli has like. guy who says "he/they" because he doesn't mind they/them and wants his friends to feel supported y'know

Winter- he/him (cis + gnc)

Look I feel bad making him one of like. two cis ppl at JMA but like I think it's funny if he's cis but inflicts a status effect of gender envy on every trans person in his proximity

guy who does makeup flawlessly because "it's fun" and decimates your sense of identity as you wonder why the fuck god gave these gifts to a man

extra funny for the fact that as a dragonet he gets offended by the implication he's pretty. he gets over it eventually I think

Turtle- she/her or he/she/they (transwoman/trans)

See here. Otherwise I think she's like trans and this could go in like. any fucking direction ngl

transmasc turtle??? hell yeah !!! transfem turtle??? hell yeah !!! gender is whatever Turtle has going on and god knows if she knows it

last egg to crack bc Turtle is immune to self reflection that isn't anxiety and self loathing

"Haha everyone hates how other people refer to them and their gender what do you mean? :)" (entire jade winglet: cringing with worry)

Umber- he/him (cis)

cis and a lil insecure about it but like. he's just nice :)

he's like experimented with pronouns and gender and found none of them really stuck so like. cis+. cis (extended dlc). you know what I mean I hope

gonna be honest I'm lost for him bc I genuinely forget he was there bc he peaced out so fast. justice for my boy I want to know more !!!!!

I could be persuaded for transman Umber ngl,,, it tempts me,,,,,,

Peril- she/her (trans woman)

On one hand I'm torn bc I think it almost doesn't make sense for her backstory BUT ON THE OTHER HAND the idea of Scarlet being supportive of Peril's identity and LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE is hysterical to me

though actually if we wanna get sad,,,, that 100% could be a manipulation tactic of Scarlet. "see I love you I even accept you" etc etc. now I just feel bad man

Peril's also in the same camp of Qibli of knowing this abt herself since she could think and being happy in it. She knows what she's about

BONUS:

Carnelian- she/they/he (transmasc)

Look butch can be a gender and sometimes you're a mean butch skywing idk what to tell you

wish she stayed alive bc her and Moon could've been legendary together. girl who will kill for you vs girl who desperately wants you to do anything else please we talked about this you can't solve your problems with murder

I think Carnelian's true gender is Skywing Patriot and idk how to put that in hc form but this is as best I've got

[th3sungod]

Seeing Marvel as a Political Cartoon

bucky's alias being 'the winter soldier' means so much to me actually, being someone who is fascinated by historic political cartoons. cause it isn't just surface level, and there's definitely so much that went into it, and it's a way to inform people of what happened while not being direct. ( Granted, you can say this about a lot of marvel media types )

not only is it in reference to the real winter soldier investigation, war crimes committed by united states soldiers in which military police -- supposed personnel representing the government -- forced the hand of hundreds. ( Using Alexander Pierce/SHISLD as a way to show this ) Doing these things left the untied states in violation of the Geneva convention, while ultimately media had decided this was in full fault of the officers in charged and not the people they forced orders upon since they count back out.

plus, the whole reference to thomas paine's whole thing, like the original investigation, leaves the idea that Steve should then be the Winter Patriot. He wanted to do everything for his country, running headfirst into the fight, while Bucky was drafted and therefore making him a solider instead of a True Patriot. ( The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of his country. -Thomas Paine, 1776. )

and, soonafter The Winter Solider was first named in comics, the original documentary was re-released in theatres, further preserving and informing readers of the real history and effects. ( there's no doubt in my mind the timing wasn't related, since it hadn't been shown for a while at that point )

political cartoons have so much effect on people and half the time you don't even really realize it. especially since a good amount of them are shown to children/younger generations to implant ideas without being harsh ( Ex. The Butter Battle Book, by Dr Seuss, which references the Cold War and inadvertently explains the term 'total warfare' )

I think marvel does a great job at pointing out the possibilities of fascist and/or tyrannical governments manipulating people into thinking they're doing the right thing by portraying others as bad ( shown as well with the mutants, inhibitor collars, and the superhuman registration act ) while also littering in enough superheroes to make it fun enough for people to enjoy and use as a reference for their own actions.

______

anyways that's all. i don't really have a lot to add i simply am always fascinated how modern media works stuff like this out and im a totally history buff so it makes me rlly amazed to see the preservation of history in less harsh ways

[mugentakeda]

WELL. I had an anon that was kindly asking me background info on my oc jiro and whatever he had going on with lu ten. I had the Fawking response all done and had it saved as a draft right. and i just needed to switch it to post but tumblr Wouldnt Let Me (it was saying something "went wrong" idfk) so I deleted the draft and was gonna try posting it again thinking the ask would reappear in my inbox but it DIDNT it just deleted the whole ask along with the draft :((( so i'm just gonna post it all here anyway and hope that the anon sees it fhkdndncmxbc,dndkzhnx

-basic stuff: 27 (<-when he meets lu ten), nonbender (<-doesnt need bending lol)

-finest jewelry maker in the fire nation. he also does metal art like embossing and figures and shit. he collaborates closely with famous potters and tailors in the FN to make stuff for the royal family and their special occasions (like holiday and celebration banquet jewelry and bedazzled outfits and shit). he also works with fire nation theaters, to help with their costumes for their more pricey productions. he's made MANY crowns for the royal family as well.

-oldest of 3 brothers. the business he owns was passed down in the family thru generations. jiro inherited (usurped?) it when he was 23, after he beat his father to death for smacking their mother around. their mother lives with the middle brother and his family on one of the outer FN islands. the youngest is estranged and started his own (less successful) business out of jealousy towards jiro.

-neutral on the war in the same way june the bounty hunter is- money is money to him. and when I say neutral I mean neutral. he obviously doesn't get clients or customers from other nations due to the war but if he did then he'd be more than happy to serve them. but his business still wouldn't be affected no matter the outcome of the war because even without international clients his wallet is thick, so he doesn't really care what the outcome ends up being. he believes a true businessman goes wherever the wind takes him and is good at adapting. not a "stuck in his ways" type of guy. the royal family is his top priority client obviously, but it's simply because they pay the most for the finest pieces. it's not out of any kind of loyalty or patriotism.

-jiro likes material things and having money, but he's genuinely super passionate about his craft and the arts in general. he does a lot of other crimes (<- lol) but counterfeiting isn't one of them. all his products and art are genuine, handcrafted, made to detail. he's probably kinda disgusted by the idea of counterfeit and scamming because he genuinely looks forward to the reaction of his clients when they receive what they paid for. he does the act of service, he gets the praise and the money, he's a happy camper.

-despite all of the above, his demeanor is the definition of greasy and sleazy- but he also can be genuinely suave when he wants. he'll charm the pants off your granny. but not sleazy in the same way zhao is, though (cus zhao is no real charmer lol). cus zhao is high in the navy so he's Very stuck up, and he's also an otl (<-???) ass-kisser. he's a slimy douchebag, but still one that adamantly adheres to and enforces fire nation law. he's a guy that has goals and will do anything to get there. meanwhile jiro, you look at him and you know he does criminal shit. he just gives the danger vibe, and he flaunts it with confidence. and you must reach at least level 4 friend to unlock the gentlemanly, white-knight-syndrome side of jiro.

-what jiro DOES do for criminal activity is that as he has most of all the fire nation nobility and high court (along with the Literal royal family) in his pocket. he has eyes and ears in a LOTTTT of people's business. sensitive business. criminal business. blackmail on top of blackmail. he's only loyal to people he personally gives a shit about, and whatever the people he cares about gives a shit about. he's got the love in his heart to make those extensions because he really is thoughtful in nature. but anything outside of that is not his problem so yes he WILL sell your ass out. the most dependable man in the world if he loves you, but the most venomous, backstabbing scorpion-viper if he doesn't care about you.

-and he doesn't hire goons- the business and its dealings are done all by him, and him alone. so if you air out his business or try to fuck with him, he will show up in your house alone and kill you in the next 24 hours i PROMISE you. preferred form of doing so is beating to death. and them is workers arms baby so you aren't getting out of it alive!!! jiro isn't very tall but he is strong as FUCK. and because of the fact that he knows everybody's dirty laundry he gets away with all of it lol. jiro is not afraid of jackkkkk SHIT (<- which is why he's very dependable if he loves you. he's unflinching and dedicated)

-as for him and lu ten: he and lu ten met by chance (they quite literally ran into each other in the palace and toppled over each other), and ended up being twin flames. lu ten's like the orange cat to jiro's black cat. they balanced each other out and jiro was exactly what lu ten needed at the perfect time. their first date or whatever (Doing An Activity Together) was having lunch and tea together in the palace gardens, and it kinda spurred from there. they spent time together like an old retired couple basically lol??? lunches, dinners, long walks from evening to night, doing their tasks in silence but they're next to each other so it's fun (<-parallel play for adults), sitting on benches for hours and just talking and bird watching. two people with tough jobs, so they sometimes forget to stop and smell the roses, but they reserve time for each other so they can stop and smell the roses together.

-it isn't ALWAYS them acting like a retired old couple though cus like I said jiro is a sleaze bag and a flirt. azula was the only one that really noticed and she was very disgusted by them and would constantly swear lu ten has a thing for losers. but then again she'd claim any person lu ten messes with to be a gross loser so there's that

-as soon as they got close to tension hitting a boiling point the siege situation rolled around (<-AVERAGE COCKBLOCKER IROH MOMENT) and lu ten obviously didn't come back. and jiro never let go of it because of all the "what ifs" and how there was something there that was mutual but it never became official or was put into words. so there's more regret rather than bitterness about lu ten's absence in jiro's life. like "right person, wrong time" trope??? but this is the dai li au so they'll be fine eventually lol

-after lu ten died and ozai took over, jiro was silently cut off from the royal family. ozai didn't directly order that or anything but he didn't commission or hire jiro for anything the way azulon always did. jiro also quietly removed himself from the whole political ring and just focused on his work. didn't have a reason to stop and smell the roses anymore, but the work never quits and the world didn't stop turning

-once azula got old enough to be let loose into the playing field, she hired jiro under the table due to her knowing how close he'd been with lu ten (which makes him someone she felt that she could trust), and he got put back into the political game (<- to everyone elses dismay). since her first rodeo was outside of the fire nation, he became her eyes and ears back home.

-and he wasn't forced by her or intimidated by her- he was brought back to life by finally having a real reason to get back in action again. at first, azula being the kid lu ten personally took care of for the first little portion of her life (<-which is a secret jiro knows from lu ten. azula doesn't know about that, and it's gonna stay that way. it's more to be a driving force for jiro. cus jiro has a "whats yours is mine" mindset when he loves someone. so what lu ten loved, jiro also loves. so whatever azula wants from jiro, jiro will provide it to her.) was what made being her guy so easy, but he ends up taking a genuinely liking to the crazy kid. he feels like they get along pretty well cus they're like-minded when it comes to their methods

[moononmyfloor]

In the 3rd Quarter of 2024 Cdramaland...

1st Quarter, 2nd Quarter, 4th Quarter

(Aka the review post where I speak like I'm a hyping announcer at a presidential debate 😆)

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16. Favorite Parents/Parent figures of the year

Papa Gu (Zhang Fengyi) from A Lonely Hero's Journey, Master Li (Qiu Xinzhi & Zhang Chenxiao) from Dashing Youth

Usually the uber principled, patriotic, larger-than-life parents are stereotyped as negligent and ruthless towards their children or incapable of expressing their true affections. Not Gu Xixing. He was a strict father but for all the right reasons, and never hesitated to throw his prestige and life aside for his children any second and he made sure his children knew that, which was the most important part. The kids knew their father wasn't someone to be trifled with, but also that they were so incredibly loved and protected. Having him as the father was a big part of why the ML grew upto be such a stable and well-adjusted young man who would never sway no matter what catastrophe befell him.

Li Changsheng was, hm, admirable in the COMPLETE opposite way. One of the most convincing character designs for an immortal I've seen, he was often insensitive to the mortal struggles his students went through, and came across as snobbish and heartless at times, but that behaviour made sense and was understandable for once. Plus, when he did decide show that he cares, he went big. Earth shatteringly, Dynasty-topplingly, Heaven-shakingly big. Quite literally. He always had life advise and cultivation tips to give, if you were able to tolerate his cryptic speech and dark humor resulting from having lived for too long. I was both disturbed and fascinated by him, I even wrote character analysis for him here and here, lol.

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17. Favorite historical drama of the year

A Lonely Hero's Journey

Set in Suzhou during 1940' Japanese Occupation era, this drama is by no means the most perfect espionage/spy/war show that China has to offer, but I REALLY enjoyed it because it had so much heart despite all the bloodshed and devastation going around.

It didn't have the most accurate-to-history depictions of this specific time period, the costumes weren't necessarily period appropriate etc, BUT THAT'S OK, because even still it did such a GORGEOUS job of its wardrobe, and it's not like didn't do some research (3 meta pics from official weibo posted above), delivered heaps upon heaps of world-famous Suzhou architecture and landscaping aesthetics (3 collages from weibo below) and used this mesmerising old gramophone track 【Teach Me How Not to Think of Her (教我如何不想她) by 赵元任 (Zhao Yuanren)】 in its bgm and also did a modern cover for it, all of which made for a very atmospheric viewing experience.

And most importantly, it depicted almost all the characters with empathy no matter they were a main character, a villain, a traitor, a Chinese or Japanese. If you see people spouting that Cdramas always have clear cut black and white censored portrayals of stories that take place in sensitive historical time periods, that they bend over their back to ensure the audience wouldn't root for the characters on the wrong side, just slap a show like this in their face.

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18. A drama that was a pleasant surprise

Snowfall

When the premise said "Republican era Vampire Cdrama with an age gap relationship" I didn't really expect it to be anything more than a cheaply produced light fantasy thriller with the said age gap couple being portrayed by two same age actors where one character simply happens to be labelled as immortal.

Snowfall was anything but. Excellent cinematic visuals, sets, styling and costumes from Director Li Muge, who is like China's second God of Colors after Dir. Zhang Yimou, veteran actor Vengo Gao (Age: 42) as the immortal half of the pair and Ouyang Nana (Age: 24) as the younger half, who actually do share a very visually age-gap dynamic that was so masterfully explored so it was 100% about mutual respect, adoration and sexual tension without being creepy, and the show never let you forget that the main lead was a vampire who could unleash some serious, gory violence if he wanted. Yes, his vampirism was still explained as the fault of alien meteorites (as always 😂) but they compensated with delivering an immaculate antagonist who was 10x unhinged than any paranormal disease could ever be. He had a competency kink, abandonment issues, he was emitting the desire to be held by throat and be topped wherever he went like a jumbotron, he loved to torture AND be tortured... the list is endless. Watching this drama was absolutely delightful.

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19. Favorite adaptation of the year

Adventure Behind the Bronze Door/Tibetan Sea Flower

The DMBJ fandom was waiting for this for what felt like a decade but OH MAN IT DELIVERED. Not only that it was faithful to the book in ALL the ways that mattered, it fixed up a lot of not-so-good parts in the original material, fixed continuity issues and became the DMBJ show with the most cohesive, well-paced narrative. It was about time.

From the super-well thought out opening credits animations, to the casting, book references, props designs, CGI, bgm and the to the freaking ENGLISH of all things, it was perfection. 9.5/10 Stars No Drama.

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20. Screenstealer of the year

Ye Dingzhi (He Yu) from Dashing Youth

Tumblr user @fortycumber said it all, couldn't have said it better😂. Despite the promising start, Dashing Youth fell apart by the end (though I did enjoy that drama a fair amount, I made an edit too for Dingzhi and his poor wife Wenjun) with the scriptwriting failing almost all characters including Dingzhi himself, but He Yu's soulful acting did SO much to singlehandedly keep the show worth watching to the end.

It is especially amazing considering how He Yu is still a new actor, he had studied Architecture and started pursuing acting only recently, other than the gorgeous face he had little in common with the gazillions of his peers in the same show, yet he was the one who hit it out of the ballpark. An orphan in the Jianghu whose family was brutally murdered in his childhood, brought up by a just as loner Dark Cultivation Master, a prodigy who is admired but never understood and therefore feared by everyone, an ardent, loyal lover, a struggling young father.... he nailed it all with the perfect amount of gravitas.

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21. A drama that made me cry

Adventure Behind the Bronze Door/Tibetan Sea Flower

When I tell you just how much ZHH got the vibes right, I was impatient for the subs and randomly clicked here and there on ep 30 already, without subs. I saw glimpses of certain scenes that were happing in the ep and I just

stared at the screen

scared at the screen

A shudder passed through me and I instantly started bawling like a baby.

That hadn't happened to me in a long time. 😭

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22. A drama that made me laugh

The Flower of Lust

A low-budget simple comedy with copious GL undertones, this drama didn't offer much meat to bite on, but it was unexpectedly some good fun. Fast and easy to follow, there was lots of turned-around gender expectations going on for the roles.

For example, this laobanniang played by Word of Honor's Beauty Ghost is the main lead, there's no Male Lead, but a clutzy female assassin who's going to kill the Lady and they develop a classic wuxia sworn-sisterhood relationship where they share energy (😏) and sacrifice for each other. It has two side male characters played by hot young actors (Huang Junjie and Li Zhuoyang), but they are simply himbos who were saved by the boss lady and now work as her bodyguards! At most, they only have hots for each other.

Also it has a theme song that sounds TOO good for the production quality. Plus each ep is only 15 mins long, you won't lose out if you give this show a chance. The full version is only 3.5 hours.

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23. An old drama I watched this year

My Girlfriend's Boyfriend (2017)

On paper-

"An otaku wants to order a love bot in the form of the girl he has a crush on, but accidentally orders a male bot who is programmed to love him forever, and the otaku re-purchases the girl bot but she accidentally gets programmed to love the guy bot, and the Otaku suffers. A lighthearted comedy with some gay jokes."

What it actually was-

Polyamory negotiation, feelings realisation, coming out, internalised homophobia, learning to love yourself, multiple thorough discussions on how a relationship arrangement doesn't have to be this predefined textbook thing and how it's sometimes as simple as just staying with people who make you happy, the biggest gathering of explicitly-acknowledged queer people I've seen in a Cdrama including the ML himself, a butch, a crossdresser, a BL writer, a girl who believes everyone is in love with her...... who are shunned by the rest of the campus for being "weirdos" so they create this space for themselves that is so full of love and acceptance and *literally* decorated in rainbows, and there was a scene of a gay bar with a married gay couple...... I can go on and on.

Is it a perfect show? No. But I would give it even more than 10/10 if possible, simply for existing. It's not a masterpiece and is full of silliness sometimes but it is so painfully clear that this show was made by people who knew what they were doing.

The Before-2018 Cdramaland was a RIOT. Highly rec that everyone watch this, especially if you are interested in seeing what queer portrayals in recent Cdrama scene used to be before censorship rules tightened.

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