#THIS TOOK SO LONG AAAAGH WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF

[gingeredmink]

Urotsuki rolls up on this and Inner Animal by Scattle starts playing, what you do?

[duckymcdoorknob]

Hello, may I request some comfort from the haikyuu boys?

I just feel sad because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to and I don't have the best health rn. Stomach pains, problems with eating and breathing (I had Corona that's why). I don't have the energy to do some things I normally do and I'm feeling unproductive.

If possible with Iwa and Bokuto.

Thank you very much <3

Yes of course!!

Sorry for such a long wait!

I hope you’re doing much better now, and if not, please don’t hesitate to reach out!

This one got very long!!

CW BELOW THE CUT: Mentions of Covid, food mention

𝐻𝑎𝑗𝑖𝑚𝑒 𝐼𝑤𝑎𝑖𝑧𝑢𝑚𝑖

When Hajime heard that you had gotten sick with Covid, he waited quite impatiently to come see you.

Quite humorously, Oikawa was the one who kept him tame.

“Iwa-Chan you can’t go see them yet, they’re sick!” The setter hissed as they sat down with their lunches.

“So what?! I’ll get sick too!” Hajime barked in reply.

“Iwa, this is Covid we’re talking about. You’ll be gone during inter-high prelims.”

“Shit…” Iwa cursed, “Aaaagh how long do I have to wait?”

“At least until they aren’t contagious, so I’d say ten days.”

Well… those ten days were absolutely antagonizing for the ace.

In the meantime, Hajime prepared a small little basket to bring to you.

Inside of it was a dvd copy of your favorite movie, six packs of hot (drink) mix, two big bags of your favorite snack, some cold and cough medicine and a bottle of painkillers.

When the happy day finally came, he knocked very gently on your door, worried about how sensitive you’d be to sound.

“(Y/N) it’s me!” He called to you, “Can I come in?”

When you didn’t reply, he frowned.

He sat down on the stoop of your front porch and took his phone out to text you.

“Hey! I brought you some sustenance. Can I come in?”

After about two minutes, you replied: “I’m not entirely open to having visitors right now… but I really appreciate your gesture. Thank you so much.”

“That’s alright! I can leave it on the front porch for you!”

‘How sweet’ you thought, ‘Maybe I can tough this one out for him. He is my friend after all.’

“The front door’s unlocked; go ahead and come inside.”

“I know I’m always invited, I just wanted to check if you were ready for visitors.”

You chuckled at his comment as you dragged yourself out of bed and onto the couch.

“Hi, (Y/N). How ya’ feeling?” Iwa asked softly, shutting the door even softer.

“Like death warmed.” You reply quickly, “But, nonetheless better than I was.”

“That’s always good to hear at least.” He chimed, untying the bow he put on the top of the basket, “Here. Treats.”

The sight of the snack bags made your stomach turn.

“I’ll probably eat them later, I’m not entirely hungry at the moment.”

“Sure!” He cooed. “Want to at least put on (movie)? I’ll make you a cup of (drink).”

That sounded manageable.

“Uh. Yes please.” You replied with a sudden sheepishness.

Making your way to the couch, you sit on it patiently as you hear Hajime bustling about the kitchen.

“The mugs are-“

“In the first cabinet, to the left of the sink, top shelf. You forget I’ve been in this place more than my own.” he finished absentmindedly.

He returned with a mug of (drink), and a glass of water for himself, setting them down and clicking on the movie.

“So.” He began as the opening credits rolled through, “Did anything interesting while you were sick?”

Besides lose interest in anything that used to bring you joy in any form? Not much.

As you chuckle at your own thought, you look up to see Iwa looking at you sympathetically.

“I said that out loud didn’t I?”

“You did.”

“Sorry…”

“Hey don’t be sorry. You caught an illness that no one knows anything about. You were alone for almost two weeks, basically bedridden. It’s not your fault that this made you feel how you do. You’re not mean or weird for thinking this way, it just happens.”

“Yeah… that’s kinda why I shooed away the (snack)s. I can’t bring myself to eat much more than once a day because of how badly my stomach always hurts.”

“Oh no. I’m sorry, (Y/N). Had I known I would’ve put something else in the basket.”

You chuckle at his sweetness. “Knights in armor don’t come much shinier than you, Iwa.”

“Oh yeah?” He teased, “This knight thinks we should stop talking because the movie is about to start, and he knows how much you love quoting every single line.”

𝐾𝑜𝑡𝑎𝑟𝑜 𝐵𝑜𝑘𝑢𝑡𝑜

Bokuto, as a very wise man, made an entirely intellectual decision when he heard you were sick:

Consult in Akaashi.

His best friend helped to keep him in a good headspace, since he knew he couldn’t see you right away.

Reducing his “emo modes” with distractions, Akaashi did his best to make the ten day wait time any less agonizing.

When the happy day finally came, Bokuto went to the store and gathered your favorite things.

Unfortunately for him, he wasn’t as educated on what sick people need to consume.

He brought with him huge bottles of juice, big bags of (favorite snack) and a whole bunch of random things you enjoyed, like your favorite candles and movies.

Excitedly, he called you as he assembled a little bag for you.

“(Y/N)! How are you feeling?” He cooed into the phone, placing it on speaker.

“Significantly… less terrible.”

“That still sounds positive to me!”

“Yeah.”

“So! When you’re feeling good, you should come and watch one of the matche-“

“Maybe another time. I’m still a little iffy.”

He bit the inside of his cheek in disappointment. But, he understood. You did just have the plague.

“Sure thing! Is there anything you’d want to do soon?”

“I’m not sure. How about you?”

“We could go play golf!!”

“…you don’t know how to play golf.”

“I’d learn if it means I could hang out with you again!”

You froze on the other end of the phone. Bokuto was just trying to make you feel included and appreciated.

“How quick can you be here?” You murmured into your phone.

“What?”

“You heard me. How quick?”

And within ten minutes, the ace was knocking on your door. Little bag in one hand, hot (drink) from your favorite cafe in another.

“Hi.” Bokuto said sweetly, slipping his shoes off.

“Hi.” you mirrored his smile and invited him in, “I don’t really want to do much. But we can at least watch (movie).”

“Sounds great. Do you want some popcorn?”

You grimaced are the idea of having to fight to keep food down. “Maybe later.”

“Sure thing! Will you at least be able to stomach this?” He outstretched his arm, offering you the to-go cup.

You gaped at him, “How did you know?”

“Intuition.” He replied instantly, “You looked really grossed out when I offered you popcorn. I figured you were having issues keeping food down.”

After clicking on the movie in silence, you sighed and sat down next to Bokuto on the couch, accepting the drink cordially.

“Bo’, I feel so awful. I don’t want to do anything anymore but I’m so tired of being confined to my home.” You confessed, laying down on his thigh.

His fingers instantly found their way to run through your hair. “Mhm.”

“And I feel really guilty because all you’re trying to do is make me feel better and I barely want to do anything because it just hurts so much mentally.”

“I get it! You have nothing to feel upset about (Y/N). You were super duper sick, so no one expects you to just back into the social world that fast.” He explained.

“And if you need space, I’ll be happy to give it to you. If you don’t want any, then I’ll be glad to be attached at your side. No one blames you for what happened, so there’s no sense in blaming yourself.”

You snuggled closer into his lap and turned toward the TV to watch the movie.

“You really do get it, Bo’. Thank you for understanding.”

“Oh of course!” He chimes in response, “So what are we watching again?”

“Oh you’re soooo funny.” You said with sarcasm lacing your tongue. “Can you hear in my laughter how funny you are?”

“Aw thank you! I’m so great at making you laugh!”

“Oh I know.”

But what you didn’t know was that Bokuto actually wanted to make you laugh, and was inches away from tickling you silly…

—————♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎—————

[strawberista]

⚅ — @unfathomablebeings​ asked: — ⚅

⚅ — 😊~ — ⚅

Dream a Dream Meme

— ★ ⚄ ★ —

Hanekoma opened his eyes and the first thing he became aware of was the warmth beneath him. He was laying on his stomach against another, and it confused him even if it did feel familiar. He hadn't slept this way in years...

"Good morning, tiger."

Hanekoma's throat tightened at the voice, and he opened his eyes to find himself gazing up at his father. The man ran rugged fingers through his hair and smiled down at him.

"Nn... Dad...?" He could barely find his breath as he reached out, ran his own hand along his father's jawline. "What are ya doin' here?"

A gruff laugh emerged from the man, and Hanekoma almost melted to hear it again, after all of these years. As if he weighed nothing at all, those rough hands pulled him up closer, and Hanekoma's father pressed his forehead against his. Hanekoma sighed with relief and joy at feeling the touch of his parent, a comfort in all this time of strife.

"You've been struggling, haven't'cha, tiger?" His father whispered, and he pet Hanekoma gently. "You've been havin' some trouble, eh?"

"Yeah," Hanekoma whispered, and he lowered himself down to nestle into the broad chest. "I've been having a lotta trouble. I've messed up a lot, an' I'm scared, and I dunno what to do anymore. I'm gonna lose everyone I love if I keep this up and I... I just... I just miss you so much, Dad. I miss you an' Mom so much. I don't-- I don't have support like this anymore..."

While he spoke, tears welled into his eyes, and before long Hanekoma was unravelling against the older man. He sobbed into his chest, and his father wrapped powerful arms around him to squeeze him into a tight hug. It felt as if he were being held together by his father, like he might literally come apart into ribbons should he be released. But in an eternity and in no time at all, Hanekoma could feel the sunlight from outside of a nearby window shining over him, and he felt more comfortable than he had in months, in years. He felt happy and safe and loved, so loved.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, rolling away so that he could sit up. His bed, but not his house... “I shouldn’t have...”

“Hey, it’s alright,” his father sat up as well, and he reached out to rub small circles into Hanekoma’s back. “You’ve been going through a real rough patch. You really need to cry sometimes, ya know? An’ you need to breathe. You can’t keep goin’ at this pace, ya know?”

Hanekoma nodded, and he leaned over to rest his head against his father’s shoulder, “I know... I’m gonna go get some help. Things are just... a lot harder than they used’a be. I don’t know how to handle myself anymore. An’ I don’t... I don’t have anyone to lean on. Every time I try I end up hurting them... Just wish I could have you guys back. Someone to lean on when it’s hard.”

“Aaaagh,” his father gave a skeptical groan and leaned his own head against Hanekoma’s. “You don’t need us, tiger. You just gotta learn how to adapt with the new environment. This sorta thing takes some time, but you’ll be alright. Why don’t ya just take a break for now, hm? Mom’s making some breakfast if ya want some.”

“Y-yeah... Yeah. I wanna see Mom... I... I want my mom back...”

He could feel tears springing into his eyes all over again as he got out of the bed and wandered out of the room. As he came out into the hallway he realized it was his childhood home that he was in, and his mother was right where she always was in the kitchen. The sunlight outside seemed overly bright, enough that he couldn’t make out any details through the windows. But he wasn’t concerned about it. He couldn’t be. His mother was standing in the kitchen and the whole house was filled with the smell of her cooking and he was so so happy. He didn’t even question how little sense this all made. He was too at peace to even try. When he took a seat at the table, and his mother greeted him like she always had and pressed a kiss to his temple as she served him a plate of food, he felt so at home.

They ate and talked and enjoyed each other’s company, and Hanekoma forgot about all of the things stressing him out. None of that mattered when he was sitting with his family on a sunny morning and laughing at his father’s terrible jokes and listening to his mother speak in a voice he’d thought he’d never hear again. It was beautiful, and as the breakfast was winding down and his father got up to take up the plates, Hanekoma’s mother came to him and hugged him tight, wrapping him in her warmth and kissing his head gently.

“It’s almost time to go,” she whispered. “You have a lot of work to do. But don’t worry. I know you’ll be alright. You have always been my brave little lion, and I know you can take on any challenge presented to you. You always have. Don’t worry so much, Sachan. I know you’ll do just fine.”

“But what if I mess up?”

“You’re adaptable. You’ll be okay.”

Hanekoma opened his mouth to talk again, but found himself opening his eyes to darkness this time. It was cold and he was alone and there was silence all around him. He was jarred for a moment as he tried to figure out what had happened, but it finally dawned on him. He’d been dreaming. Of course he had been. There was no way to really see his parents again. But he wasn’t so torn to wake up without them. He was just glad he got to have such a wonderful dream. And so he leaned back and closed his eyes again, and breathed deeply. He just needed some time. Everything would be okay. He just needed some time.

[fucktgisshitok-blog]

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Moodboard made by tephi101. One or two pictures are mine. The rest are not.

Warnings: much angst, graphic character death, torture, lots of cussing

A/N: I put in earlier warnings about a suicidal character. This was the chapter but i have gone another way with it. This chapter is loosely based on true events.

Chapter 5: Athelstan

Recreation time. The one or two hours a day we are allowed outside. I sat on a bench alone and enjoyed a breeze while reading a book. A shadow was cast down and I looked up.

"Nice bruise." A man I have never seen before said.

"It doesn't feel nice. Who are you?" I asked him, suspiciously. I looked around and noticed Halfdan looking our way before he looked up and away.

"I'm Athelstan."

"Oh." I said, going back to my book. He sat down next to me and I closed my book with a sigh. "How can I help you Athelstan?" I asked, sarcastically.

"Well..." he said and paused.

It took me a minute to realize he wanted my name. "Hvitserk."

"Well, Hvitserk. I have been in solitary confinement for quite some time and I wanted some social interaction." he explained.

I gave a slight chuckle. "Well, you are barking up the wrong tree buddy. I'm not a very social person. I killed my brother, you know." I told him bluntly, hoping he'd go away.

"What did he do to deserve it?"

The question had taken me aback. Nobody had asked if he deserved it. Only why I did it. And I couldn't tell them without throwing Ivar under the bus.

"It's a long story." I muttered. "Why were you in solitay confinement?"

He smiled. "It's a long story."

"Athelstan! Parole meeting! Let's go!" A guard shouted.

"Well, Hvitserk, it's been nice chatting with you. I hope I never see you in this shithole again." he said.

I waved at him. He just got out of solitary. Something told me the board was not letting him out just yet. I opened my book again and continued on.

When the bell rang to head back inside, I was knocked to the ground, back first, knocking all the air from my lungs. I opened my eyes and was immediately met with a shoe to my cheek. I covered my face with my arms to protect myself. Then I curled up in the fetal position as i felt multiple feet hit me. Ribs. Head. Back. Stomach. Six feet. Three people. I braced myself to scramble up but a shoe met my spine and I dropped back down with a groan.

After what seemed like an eternity they either grew bored or tired and left me laying there. I stayes there for a few minutes before a guard hauled me to my feet. It was the same one who let Halfdan into my cell. I swished blood around and spit it, along with a molar onto the ground. "Thank you officer." I said, sarcastically with a salute.

"Shut up, boy. At least you're alive." he snapped.

"Halle-fucking-lujah!" I groaned, putting an arm around my stomach and left side.

"I'm taking you to the infirmary and..."

"No. Just take me to my cell. And bring my dinner there. I won't want to get up once I lay down." I told him.

"You need..."

"Oh fuck off with what I need. You don't give two shits about me or you would've done your job instead of letting Halfabrain jump me with his groupies." I was starting to get brave here. Back home I was submissive to all authority. Here, that would get me killed.

"You're right. I could give two shits." He said, shoving me back to the ground, roughly. He pressed his boot to my throat and I clawed at his ankle aa he applied more weight to it. "I'm going to give him the key to your cell at night and watch him make you his bitch if you EVER talk like that to me again, you little shit." He spit on my face and lifted his boot, kicking me before he headed back into the building.

Dinner time rolled around and I was laying on my stomach in bed. Everyone else had gone but I was trying to get my aching body to relax and hopefully catch some sleep, but anytime I moved it stung and I hissed in pain.

I heard something slide across my floor and lifted my head a little. My dinner. A bologna sandwich and a bottle of water. The guard turned quickly and headed away whistling. I sat up ever so slowly and bent down to grab my food when I heard what sounded like water splashing. After a couple seconds I heard a whoosh. After that, silence for roughly twenty seconds. Then came the blood curdling scream.

"Help me!" That was Athelstan. I only talked to him for a moment but he had a distinct voice.

"Please!" He screamed again.

I smelled the smoke before I seen it. "Oh shit! Oh shit! Athelstan!"

"Hvitserk! Help me! Please! My cell!" I ran to the bars as a guard strolled past.

I grabbed his sleeve and pulled on him. "Are you fucking blind? Help him! Let him out!" I pleaded.

I looked over when I spotted movement out of the corner of my eye. Athelstan's arms shot out of the bars, trying to grasp anything to help him.

A sadistic laugh came from the mouth of the guard. A laugh that made my blood run cold. He jerked out of my grip and turned his head to face me. Halfdan's crazy gleam and beeming smile greeted me. "N-no!" I choked out.

"As I walk...AAAAGH" Athelstan started before he started screaming and choking on the smoke that was burning my eyes. He started screaming again and I wanted cover my ears. I had never heard a sound that sickening before. The smell of burning flesh assaulted my noae and I started heaving.

I regained my composure and ran my arms through the bars to hit Halfdan. "Sick fuck!" I screamed. He grabbed me and smiled wickedly. He looked at Athelstan who was gasping for air. He couldn't even scream anymore. Faster than I could react, he put my arm against the hot metal of the burning cell. He pulled it as far as it would go, popping it out of socket, and running it over the bars, immediately scalding my forearm. I cried out in pain. "Fuck! Halfdan! Please! Stop it!"

I'd never felt pain like this before. My body was completely flush with my door. The skin on my arm melting to the metal of Athelstan's. "FUCK YOU!" I cried out. Smoke burnt my nose, throat, and lungs and i was breathing heavily.

Athelstan had long stopped breathing by the time Halfdan let my arm go. I dropped to the floor, crying.

"Remember young Lothbrok. Remember this moment the next time you try to make friends in this place." He laughed and turned to leave.

Athelstan wasn't even my friend. I didn't even know him but I do know he didn't deserve to die this way. I screamed at the top of my burning lungs. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU HALFDAN BLACK!"

He turned to look at me over his shoulder. "It's Halfdan THE Black." He stated and walked out of my sight.

I scampered to the back of my cell and cradled my arm, coughing. Guards ran seemingly in slow motion while I sat there consumed in guilt. The last thing I remember before my world went dark was rocking myself back and forth muttering Athelstan's name.

@tephi101 @grungyblonde

[phltracey-blog]

The Unintended Adventures of Karma Katie

Karma Katie™ is mischievous, playful, and sassy. Her quick and curious mind is always thinking of ways to keep her out of trouble. 

This is a story of a young girl who is struggling to find her path in life. The leading character is Katie - a brat if there ever was one! But she has well-meaning friends and family, and thankfully, a hard working conscience, all of whom battle with Katie every day as she attempts to understand the concept of karma.

One of her saving graces is that she takes yoga and even teaches it to her friends who are not necessarily that eager to participate!

The Unintended Adventures of

Karma Katie

Story by Paul Tracey ©

Karma Katie’s Karma Song.

(Written for her by her uncle)

CHORUS

Give yourself a karma point,

Karma point, a karma point;

Give yourself a karma point 

For doing what you should. 

1. Should you tidy up your room,  

Use a vacuum, use a broom?

Place your books back on the shelf

Great! You did it by yourself.  

Well done!

2. Earn yourself a point or two,

When you say “How do you do?”

People like you being polite;

You know what’s wrong, you know what’s right. 

You know what’s right

3. Should you argue with your mum?

No points if you are quarrelsome.

Should you treat her with respect?

When you do, you are correct. 

Absolutely correct

4. Should you squish a garden slug?

Maybe, but not every bug.

Should you squish an elephant?

You could try, I bet you can’t. 

No way!

5. Doing things you know you should,

That will make you feel so good,

Save your points up in the bank,

You’re the person you will thank! 

Thank myself very much

© Paul Tracey, Kunjani Music, ASCAP

CHAPTER 1 

   How Karma Katie Got Her Name

Katie didn’t sleep well. Perhaps it was all those strawberries she had gobbled up the night before. Well, maybe not the strawberries, but all the whipped cream she had piled on top. Or perhaps some of the Oreos she had licked clean first and eaten between each strawberry. That was fair; one strawberry, one cookie; one strawberry, one cookie. At least she hadn’t eaten them earlier. 

“You’ll spoil your dinner,” her mother always used to warn her. Katie’s mother was the sweetest person in the world, but — did you know? — children are not always like their parents! They have personalities that probably come from outer space!

Katie had tossed and turned and punched her pillow all night, and by morning her feet were crunched up at her headboard and her head was at the bottom end. Of course, she got out of bed on the wrong side and you know what that means — nothing went right from then on.

She stumbled to the bathroom, stubbing her toe on the door on the way in.

“Aaaagh!” she grunted as she hopped over to her mirror, and then “Aaaaaaagh” again when she saw her face reflected back at her. She was a mess!

She found her glasses beside the sink, put them on and cautiously looked back at the mirror.

Oh!

She had forgotten that last night she had taken her mother’s eyeliner and drawn a big, ugly face on the mirror. She cleaned it off with a face cloth and took another look at herself. Hmmm. Not much better. Her hair, her gorgeous hair, looked like an eagle’s nest just after the chicks had flown.

“Forget it,” she muttered to herself, “I’ll just brush my teeth and go back to bed.”

She grabbed her brush and looked for the tube of toothpaste. Oh no! It was empty, squeezed flat.

“What’s going on this morning?” she said out loud. “Nothing’s going right.”

A little voice in her head answered her back.

“Karma,” it said. “You get what you deserve.”

“What?” she shrieked in response. “I deserve to have no toothpaste?”

“That’s right,” the voice responded. “It’s called karma. You know what you did to deserve this.”

(EDITOR: Ah, excuse me a moment, dear reader. I just wanted to make sure that you know what karma means. Karma is getting what you give — if you’re kind and nice, you’ll get good karma, and good things will happen to you; but if you’re mean, you’ll get bad karma, and bad things will happen.)

“To me?” objected Katie. “Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What did I ever do to deserve this? No way! I’m a very good person and I deserve to have toothpaste when I want it.”

“Just how good are you?” her conscience demanded, because that was who the voice belonged to. It was Katie’s conscience, and it was forcing her to stop and think for a moment.

“I’m really good. Yes, I’m definitely good. In fact,” she went on, gaining confidence, “I’m as good as anybody. Better, probably. Yes, I’m better than anyone I know. Yes! And now that you ask me, I’m probably perfect!”

She stomped back into her bedroom, promptly stubbing the same toe on the foot of the bed.

“Aaaayyyyeeee!”

With tears running down her face, she hopped around the bed, flopped onto it, and rolled up in a ball, hugging her foot.

The pain. Aaaaagh, the pain! Little nerve end messengers were racing up her leg,  reporting to her brain.

Bit by tiny bit they slowed their pace until her toe quit calling 911 and merely throbbed in time to her pulse. Katie let out her breath and started to reason with herself.

“Time to give myself a good talking to,” she told herself, sounding more like her mother. “Time to meditate! Yoga! That’s good for meditation!”

Luckily, Katie’s mother had been including her in the yoga classes she taught, so Katie knew about yoga and meditation. In fact, that was the one time when Katie really paid attention and listened respectfully. She sat up, crossed her legs in front of her  into an easy Sukhasana pose, her hands pressed together in front of her chest,  then closed her eyes. Now it was just Katie and her inner self  — her conscience  —  chatting back and forth.

“OK,” she asked herself, “What’s going on? Why am I hurting so much this morning? What have you done to me?”

The little voice in her head was quick to answer. “Karma,” it said again. “You get what you deserve.”

“Well,” Katie answered back, “I deserve better than this.”

“Oh you do, do you?” came back the little voice. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure! I’m a very good person. I’m nice to all my friends; I’m nice to Yama.... well, maybe not nice to him recently,” she added as she remembered pushing him off his bike.

“I’m nice to Pilla... well, most of the time.” She hesitated then went on, “Well, some of the time. That should count for something.”

“Then there’s Tao. I’m always nice to him... ah... except for the last few times I’ve seen him. But before that I was really nice to him. I get points for that don’t I?”

No answer came from her conscience.

“Don’t I?” she asked again. “Don’t I?” she yelled.

Still no answer, but the silence told Katie what the answer was, and the answer was a definite “No!” And she remembered what her mother had warned her about her conscience…how it’s the one you’re supposed to listen to even if you don’t want to… specially when you’re having a battle with it.

What Katie really didn’t understand was this: her conscience was not her enemy. How could it be? It was part of Katie herself; no better, no worse. No! I take that back. It was a little better, but not much   —  because it was a part of Katie herself.

There wasn’t silence for long; her conscience was no better than Katie was at staying quiet, so it soon went on, “Katie, you need to build up good karma to protect you against bad karma. You have to earn karma points.

(EDITOR: Ah — excuse me again, dear reader. Katie’s conscience made up that idea about karma points; that’s not really how it works. Sorry; I’ll try not to interrupt again!) 

 Katie’s conscience was not too happy about being interrupted. “As I was saying,” it went on, louder, “you absolutely do not get karma points for being a brat.”

“A brat?”

“Yes, a brat. And I’m taking away extra points if you argue with me.”

“That’s not fair!”

“You don’t make the rules. I’m going to take away points if you even think of arguing with me. There! What do you think of that?”

Katie didn’t think much of that. But she was smart enough not to say anything. But it was a bit scary if she could lose points for even thinking bad thoughts. Brain police! That’s what it really was.

One thing that Katie forgot was this; she could have asked for a second opinion. You know when you go to your doctor and she tells you that if you have a head ache, the best thing to do is chop your head off. 

WHAT?? That can’t be right! 

Then you start to listen more closely and you hear what your doctor is really saying which is, “… take a children’s aspirin and call me in the morning.”

A second opinion was always there for Katie, right on her phone! Her mother had downloaded the app for her. If Katie wanted a good answer to a problem, all she had to do was “Ask Aham.” It was Artificial Intelligence at its best.

Katie didn’t have time right now to “Ask Aham.” But at least she knew she could always do that if she really needed a sensible answer. She was smart, and she knew, from that place deep inside her, that right now she was going to have to earn her karma points if she wanted to keep out of trouble. If she did good things, good things would happen to her; no more of this toe stubbing stuff. Yikes! It still ached.

“Karma, Katie!” she told herself. “Get with the program! Get points. Karma, Katie!”

That was it. It was time for a whole new beginning. From now on she was going to collect karma points. And to remind herself every day, she was changing her name. From now on, her new name was going to be ‘Karma Katie.’

Maybe there was hope for Katie after all!

She picked up her phone and started calling all her friends.

“Hi! It’s me, Karma Katie calling!”

[crabsticksforbreakfast]

The Moon, Your Mother, and My Broken Brain

Uggggggghhhhhhhh!

Okay, so now that’s out of the way, let me tell you about the last few days and how bloody stupid my brain is...

On Wednesday, I was stuck over at our sister school all day again, and after the first exam, Diva informed me that Boss had been over in an attempt to talk to me. He said it was urgent, but gave no more details than that. Diva, in typical Diva style, told Boss firmly that he would have to wait as I was right in the middle of an exam. I was a little worried when she told me, as “urgent” things don’t tend to happen. The only thing I could think of was that it was something to do with the boy I am a keyworker for. I usually meet with him on Wednesdays, but as I had been stolen for the exams, I couldn’t see him. Obviously I won’t go into details about this boy, but he often gets himself into quite dramatic situations which impact on his whole family, leading to myself and Boss having some pretty serious meetings with his stressed out parents. Diva told me not to worry and that it was just Boss flapping as he always does.

After school, I went back to our room where S2 was sitting talking to Sorrow. I sat down next to him with a pile of books to mark and we spoke a little, but then he went back to talking to Sorrow. Then, Boss came along and invited me to his office so we could discuss the latest drama involving the boy I mentioned earlier. I then went back and sat next to S2 again. Diva was around now too, and I noticed something unsettling. S2 gave me no eye contact... at all. Sure, his conversation was mainly with Sorrow, but I was making a real effort to get involved, laughing at appropriate moments and directing my gaze directly at him. But no, he just didn’t look at me. Then, he, Diva and Sorrow all left to go home, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I finished up my marking and walked home, stewing over things.

Why wasn’t he looking at me? Had I done something to offend him? Does he suddenly not like me any more? Did I look ugly that day? All sorts of irrational thoughts were spinning around my head, and then something stopped me in my tracks. Perhaps, just perhaps... it was a full moon. I always go a little nuts when it’s a full moon. I always have, and it’s not that I know it’s a full moon before this happens. I get grumpy and sad about random things, then look at the sky, and sure enough, there’s the moon, all round and full-like! And yes, once I had turned the corner and could see the sky, I saw that my suspicions were right! Full moon! So, I felt a little more settled. There was probably nothing in it. So, he didn’t give me all the eye contact. Meh. It’s not the end of the world... But then, of course, the worries came back a few more times during the evening.

In the morning, I felt a bit nervous and unsure, but wanted to try to have as normal a day as possible. I went in and put my stuff under the chair behind S2, and I could see him doing his usual thing, following me around the room out the corner of his eye. I shot him a quick glance and as soon as he spotted it, he leaned backwards and moaned, “I hate Thursdays!” Ah, yes! I love it when he does that! It’s like he’s waiting for his moment to strike and just says the most random thing to get my attention. So, I decided to humour him and pulled up a chair, asking him why he hated Thursdays so much. He reeled off his timetable, and the hatred made sense. I then opened up to him about what Boss had told me about the boy. It did seem right to do so, as S2 works with the boy at his after school club. I decided it was safer to let him know what was going on. I expressed that I was worried about talking to him, as I didn’t really know how to tackle the topic. S2 had this really intent expression on his face, like he wanted to make sure I felt listened to, and this made me feel really secure. Not only did I feel like I’d been supported, but I knew now that the lack of eye contact the night before didn’t really mean anything. Phew!

Diva and I then carried on with the next round of exams, then met up again for lunch. Diva and I stayed on our own in one of the exam rooms as we didn’t feel like socialising with everyone else. I’m not sure how we got onto the topic, but we ended up talking about how difficult it is to read people. I saw an opportunity and took it, spilling out so many things about myself and how I work (or do not work) when it comes to romance. I wanted Diva to learn things about me that might help her to understand why I am the way I am, and perhaps why it’s not completely obvious how I feel about S2. I didn’t tell her I had fallen for her son or anything, but I wanted to maybe sew a few seeds in her head. It seemed to work!

I told Diva how I really cannot read how people feel about me, and I have, many times, missed out on really nice guys because I didn’t realise they liked me. I said that I wished I could tell how people felt so it didn’t happen again. I also told her that I never really know when it is appropriate to touch or hug someone, and that the more I want to be like that with someone, the scarier it feels to me, and the less likely it is that I will be able to be that way. I said “I wish someone would just be like ‘I like you, let’s go on a date’.” Diva looked at me and stood up. As she passed me, she looked me square in the face with a smile and said, “Why don’t you just ask them out for a drink?” I said I couldn’t possibly do that! That was far too scary, and that I would only do that after weeks, months, even years of gathering the courage to do it. I told her the story of S1, and how it took me four years and a hell of a lot of wine to be brave enough to ask him out. Diva stood, stunned for a moment, pensively looking at the wall, then said, very matter-of-factly, “Well, we need to do something about that!” and walked out the door.

As I sat alone, her parting statement resonated in my head. What did she mean by that? Who is “we”? What are they going to do? Could she mean she is going to say something to S2 and get him to ask me out? I didn’t know! All I knew was, Diva now knows so much more about me and how I’m such a fail in the romantic stakes. When she returned to the room, I’m sure I had the look of a frightened bunny rabbit, as Diva gave me a sweet smile and said, “You can always talk to me, you know.” I told her I knew and apologised for spilling the inner workings of my mind.

During the next and final exam of the day, Diva’s words were still running through my head. What was she going to do? I was scared and excited all at once at the prospect of something happening, whatever that something might be!

After school, I carried my excitement back over to our room. S2 appeared and sat down in his usual spot. Conversations were going back and forth amongst the team, and then I noticed that S2 was spending an unusual amount of time looking at his phone... Trying not to look too obvious, I attempted to get a glimpse of his screen. All I could see was that he was talking to someone on Facebook messenger. The person asked, “You ok? x” and he replied, “Yeah x”. Hmmm. The conversation continued, but I couldn’t make out what either of them had typed. All I could see was that S2′s replies were very short at first, but grew longer the more they conversed. I had to know who this person was! I squinted, making out a name. Well, I couldn���t be sure I had read it right, but it was a girl’s name. I had a rough name to work with. I would do my research once he’d left, which was imminent as Diva was getting ready to go.

I didn’t feel too worried about who he was messenging, in a way. His replies didn’t look flirty, and as I watched him type, his face wasn’t really giving any indication that he was excited about the conversation. A couple of very small smiles, that was it. What was getting to me was this - why did this person get a reply from him when he wouldn’t reply to my message at New Year’s? How was I meant to read that? Was this person more special than me? Aaaagh! And the insecurities were back!

Not wanting to mope around in our room, I took my sorry self into WW’s room, where Firebrand was in full swing, chatting away to her. I managed to stifle my sour mood long until she left the room, then walked over to WW and asked for a hug. She hugged me so tight and affectionately until both of us felt the tension ease in my chest. She asked me what was wrong, and after a moment of hesitation, I started to explain.

“So, I have this friend,” I said, “who I am starting to think I would like to be... more than a friend, but I have no idea if he feels the same and I don’t know what to do.”

“Who is this friend?” WW asked, “Is it someone I know?”

“Maybe.” I said, hesitantly.

“You can tell me,” WW assured me, “I won’t tell anyone.”

“I know that.” I said, “I just want to tell you the story before I tell you who it is. I want you to tell me what you think about it without knowing who I’m talking about, if that makes sense.”

“So, tell me the story then.”

I told her pretty much everything that had happened and that had been said between us, without making it obvious who I was talking about. WW stopped me.

“Is this [S2] by any chance?” She asked, confidently.

“Yes.” I blushed, “How did you know?”

“I’ve had an inkling for a while.” She said, “Little things, like the two of you all cutched up in [our room] watching clips on YouTube. It’s about choices, and he’s choosing to spend an unusual amount of time with you when he doesn’t need to. He could have just gone home and watched clips on YouTube, but he chose to stay with you.”

“So, you had an inkling that he liked me?” I asked.

“Yeah... and on the curry night, he chose to go for a drive with you.” She continued, “You can’t tell me that the part he was most excited about was the meal itself. It was spending time with you.”

We continued to discuss the situation, and WW raised many good points. Firstly, she wanted me to be sure not to overthink things to the degree that I started to see things that weren’t there, but that at this point, the observations I had made definitely seemed to be real. She also had read the fact that S2 was clearly not an experienced person in terms of relationships, and warned me that he was likely to be nervous and unsure of what he wanted. I suppose I hadn’t thought of this before. Sometimes I forget his age. When I was 23 I certainly didn’t really know what I wanted, not really. Add in his Autism and the realm of romance must be highly confusing for the poor bean.

WW drove me home and gave me the last bit of advice - take it slow. I don’t want to rush him or scare him because he needs to be ready. However, I should definitely pluck up the courage to suggest going out again as we need to spend more time together so he can discover how much he likes spending time with me. Perhaps then he will be braver about taking the leap...

With so much to think about, my brain was exhausted. I was glad that WW had been suspicious about S2′s feelings, but with so many warnings and words of advice, I also felt apprehensive. Plus, there was still this Facebook conversation between him and the mystery woman. Who was she?

Well, the name I thought I read did actually belong to someone on his friends list, and suddenly everything fell into place! This was his friend, the one who flashed herself at him, then married someone else and had a kid! This answered so many questions! Of course he’d message her back as they had been friends for so long and had that weird connection. I couldn’t feel threatened by her as, well, she married someone else! The thing that stunned me was how she looked. Now, I’m the last to be judgemental about appearances, but this girl was not what I was expecting... buck teeth, a long hooked nose, straggly hair... I was expecting this nudist wild child to be kinda hot. Like a hot mess... but this girl was just a mess. The rest of my night was spent looking over her photographs, trying to work out why S2 had even entertained the idea of being with her. It didn’t make sense, at least aesthetically. There was also something else playing on my mind. I kept checking to see if he was online, and he was, for most of the evening. He must have been talking to her... What?!?! Did I need to be worried? OH MY GOD!!! THIS WAS NOT WHAT I NEEDED!!!

The next morning, I knew I probably wouldn’t see S2 as both of us had busy days away from the norm. This soothed me a little. I had been thinking far too much and it was getting me into a right state. I didn’t need to be doing that any more, so even if it meant missing S2 for an extra day over the weekend, maybe a little space wasn’t a bad thing.

I went into work and got on with my day, then Diva and I came back early and spent some time having a chat. Again, I opened up about my romantic crapness, and she gave me some supportive words. This time, however, she didn’t seem to be thinking of S2 as a potential person for me. To be fair, she didn’t make any hints the day before, but I inferred that she was thinking about him... This time she was saying things like “It’ll happen one day” and “You’ll know when it’s the right person”. Of course, I let that worry me. Had she spoken to S2? Had he told her he didn’t like me in that way? Was that why she was suddenly talking a little differently? OH MY GOD!!!! HERE IT GOES AGAIN!

Anyway, I hung around until S2 arrived, a couple of hours later, and the three of us chatted for a few minutes before we got ready to go home. S2 was giving me good eye contact, so I wasn’t worrying about that, but there was nothing overly spectacular about our interaction. To be honest, I imagine a lot of that was my fault. When I get nervous like that, I think it is noticeable that I’m not myself, and I’m pretty sure that has been my downfall in the past - the nerves take over and I stop being me...

Diva offered me a ride home, so the three of us set off. I said my goodbyes to them both and that was that. So much to think about!

Over the course of today, I guess I’ve been a little more rational. I think the most important thing is that I just calm the fuck down and stop overthinking. I need to get back to how I was before - the happy fun time girl he likes spending time with. If I can do that and feel more relaxed around him, I can build up the courage to suggest going out again. I just need to stop doing what I always do because if it didn’t work before, it sure as hell isn’t going to work now!