#THIS SHORT FICI IS NOT ALLOWED

[popculturebuffet]

HCG: Garfield His 9 Lives Retrospective: The Book (Patreon Review for Emma Fici)

Happy Halloween all you happy people! Yes at long last and after lots of work on these title images i'ts time to talk about Garfield His 9 Lives in this three part retrospective. And yes there's a third one. I'm doing this during spooky season for a few reasons: I already covered garifield's halloween adventure, the lab cat segments in all three versions and primal self in the book are horror and the exploration of diffrent identities garfields had just felt right for a season about putting on costume and being something or someone else for a night.

For those who haven't heard of it Garfield His 9 Lives was a 1984 graphic novel, with two prose pieces, anthology. It has a very simple, brilliant concept: Garfield reflecting on his 9 lives, with each having it's own style ranging from realistic to sketchy to pretty standard stuff for garfield and each story being a different tone. While about a third of the stories are pretty standard for garfield, if putting him in cave settings and space for two of them for some added flair, the bulk do whatever the hell they want: we've got a full on noir story with realistic cats, a stephen king feeling horror story, a sci fi horror escape from a testing lab, a goofy modern fable with vikings, a sugary sweet children's fairy tail and even an out and out three stooges homage.

9 Lives is a great book, and well worth picking up or reading on the internet archive (which is down at the time of this article). It's a gloriously creative concept and I wish garfield was allowed to experiment more like this. What makes it even more specail, besides getting i'ts own tv special we'll talk about next time is that Jim Davis wrote 2/3 of the book himself, likely still collabing with is artists with only Babes and Bullets, The Garden, and Space Cat not being written by Davis. It shows off an incredible creative flexibility you wouldn't expect from someone whose always come off extremley corprate in how he built his strip, with said strip all but confirmed to be ghostwritten these days. It's a strange, unique bolt of creative lightning.

This retrospective will cover this and the other two versions: The 1988 Special adapting some segments (with Babes and Bullets getting it's own special in 89 i've already covered) and switching out a few. There was also a third take on this concept at the end of Boom's 2010's Garfield Comic Book that i'll be capping off this trilogy which isn't as well known and I hadn't read till getting ready for this trilogy. So if all this sounds intresting then join me under the cut as we see that when you've got 9 lives baby you've got 9 ways to loose

As a heads up all of these photos are taken from my phone as Internet Archive is down as i'm writing this and I had no other way to get scans.

Written by Jim Davis, illustrated by Paws, Inc. staff

Yup your seeing this right the book begins with a short bit portraying Jim Davis as God

Yeah.. that's how this book begins. The special uses a similar gag, we'll get to that next time but in the book paws inc itself is used for the creation myth of cats.. including whoever this lady is in a bill lives sweater

This is a refrence to comic strip Bloom County, which had previously killed off one of i'ts biggest stars bill the cat. Bill was created as the most unmarkatable version of garfield imaginable

Naturally as it tends to when you write a strip that's a haven for snarky dorks, Bill became a success and the strip rolled with it: he's been a movie star, dead, a three time presidential canditate, an evanlecial preacher, a rockstar, Donald Trump, the consort of presidential cat Socks Clinton, a brainwashed pawn of Micheal Eisner, and many, many more I don't have time to get into. He was also in Bloom County's revivial revealed to be Garfield's actual son

Fun fact I pulled that from one of my own posts, a review of a wish for wings that work. I will refrence the fact garfield is a deadbeat dad any time I get the chance. The best part about this joke is it's entirely in character for Garfield to be a horrible parent. Though I bet arelene at least acknowledges her kid.

Anyways I just love this nod as it shows Jim didn't take the mockery of Garfield being merchandised to hell personally and it's a cute nod.

Everyone complains when God Emperor Jim Davis decrees cats get 9 lives when everyone else gets one. He has a good reason for it though.

It's that that makes the joke work, this weird wonderful image of Jim Davis as a cat god man cat. It's a cute opener that gets us into our proper 9 lives, each introduced by garfield himself and I like how each bit does inform a bit about his personality.

Written by Jim Davis; illustrated by Davis, Mike Fentz, and Larry Fentz

Our first segment takes us back to Caveman times, and is drawn by Mike Fentz and Larry Fentz. The Fentz' worked at Paws Inc, working in the liscensing division doing airbrushed art for story books, comics and what not and thus do a bulk of the art here. They do a great job perfectly aping jim's style with the watercolors and air brush giving them an extra pop, a nice break from the flat coloring most comic strips get.

Cave Cat on it's own.. is fine. I'm not a fan of caveman times set stories, or ones where characters get stranded in a lost world type place. I love a good dinosaur, dinosaurs are the best, but cavemen...

It's exactly what you'd expect from "Garfield in Cavemen times" minus Jon being his cave owner. Which is something I do like and carries throughout the book and the special: While we see Odie twice as a bookened, here as Big Bob a giant dinosaur that kills cave cat with the worlds first and last frap tree playing fetch, we don't see a reincarnated Jon. It allows the lives to breathe and be there own thing. Jon isn't getting reincarnated through time and Odie's two counterparts can be chalked up to "genetic ancestor" and "coincidence". I wouldn't mind using counterparts entirely, but I do like trying to do something diffrent, break out of the mold and see what garfiled would be like divorced from his supporting cast and life.

Cave Cat exists, it has one or two good gags, and that's about all I have. Next

written by Jim Davis and Mike Fentz; illustrated by Fentz

The vikings is fucking weird and I love that. So one of Garfield's past lives was a viking, just like Ralph Wiggum, and got frozen in present day. The vikings try to pillage, get beaten down by modern society, get normal jobs and it's .. honestly kinda funny. And i'ts even funnier seeing them break out of their mundane lives and disappear into the mists after Garfield The Orange finds their sacred otter. It's not among my faviorites here, but as I write about it I can't help but admire it's weird style, realistic beautifully drawn characters, and bonkers nature. Does it make sense as a reincarnation? not really. Is it fun... yes.

written by Ron Tuthill, illustrated by Kevin Campbell

I can't find much on Ron Tuthill but Babes and Bullets is a pretty solid short detective story that sneaks in some great jokes while it's ad it from the name Sam Spayed itself, to the obligtory thug roughing him up being his landlord. If any of that sounds familiar, you too have clearly seen the full animated special, which I reviewed previously and might still be my faviorite garfield thing. The story is about the same: A widow with instant chemistry with Sam shows up, he solves the mystery of her husbands death and his secretary turns out to have been in love with the victim but innocent. A lot of the jokes, plot beats and what not are the same and I was shocked on this read by just.. how much was done beat for beat and how much it fit, having enough goofy stuff for garfield but still feeling like a decent detective story, if one where you don't get all the clues as you go which blows but I get it being hard to do that. This is the longest story in the collection but it's still fairly short.

There are a few changes from the special: the big one is that everyone in this version.. is a cat, a realistically drawn one at that.

I"m also proud to say this is the first corpse in garfield history! Hooray! But yeah for the specail everyone else is a human for some reason likely because they didnt' want everyone to be garfield sized. The realistic part is likely budget as it was likely faster to do the garfield house style than this. This style is also mildly offputting. Later furry detective work blacksad got the ballance down better between human and animal, being realistic but not so much it's weird.

The other is that it's a battle for a reverened position here rather than academia. The change.. dosen't affect the story for the most part with only the ending, the culprit praying for forgivness, having a touch more impact in this version. All in all a pretty good time.

written by Jim Davis; illustrated by Davis, Mike Fentz, and Larry Fentz

The Exterminators is fun and one of my faviorites. I'll rank all of these at the end, but this is a highlight.

The Exterminators is a Three Stooges parody, and while I've never watched the Three Stooges, I still get the gist enough: Three idiots, one smarter than the others, do slapstick. It's simple, it works and it fits Jim Davis penchant for slapstick like a glove. I adore the opening

And there client lady in general is a LOT of fun, from this scene to her "oh boy here we go" reaction to the exterminators to her reaction when garfield waves around a shot gun

This.. this is a true gift. Garfield's first corpse and now his first shotgun. Shotgunfield.

The ending is also fun as the cats argue over who has to eat the mouse, only for them to make the client eat it.. and she realizes mice tastes pretty good and adorably goes off with her new best pals. It's a weirdly heartwarming ending to this delightful slapstick nonsense.

written by Jim Davis; illustrated by Gary Barker and Larry Fentz

This ones' a bit of a tonal shift, notable not only for making it to the specail with only one bit of censorship but for being a Stephen King kind of horror/sci fi goverment conspiracy story. I mean he dosen't do them often but you get that vibe. A cat is tested on and tries to escape disection. It's simple, harrowing and beautifully drawn

As you can guess this is the part that didn't make it to air and I feel makes it more effective. The twist ending, that the experiments turn the poor cat into a dog who easily evades protectoin is fatnastic. I'ts short, harrowing , has lots of nice shading to really set the grim tone of this one. It's excellent stuff and i'm shocked they went with something like this for this anthology. And in any other garfield product it'd easily be the most experimental, unsettling thing here, while still being pretty mild.. but well... you likely know what's coming. Before that though

written and illustrated by Dave Kühn

The Garden is a trippy , 3d modeled surreal fairy tail.. sandwitched inbetween two of the darkest stories in garfield history. Why Jim Davis decided to put it here I have no idea and it's instead put between the more jokey "King Cat" and "Court Musician" in the special, where it fits a lot better. It's a silly goofy fairy tale about a little girl named chloe who has a great design, I love the big scarf and bigger hat, her Orange Kitten who never grew up, and the surreal wonderland her uncle todd built. It's a cutesy story and not entriely for me, but I admire it's story book sense of wonder, unqiue visual style and it's ending where after being warned to not open a box on a checkered toadstool they get real close.. thend on't, deciding Uncle Todd's trust is more important. There's no big dark twist like you'd think, Uncle Todd didn't make this world using the blood of the fraggles and the bones of the care bears. It's just a cute story about a child and her best friend who happens to be garfield.

written by Jim Davis; illustrated by Jim Clements, Gary Barker, and Larry Fentz

So we're finally here: Primal Self. The only one of these 9 lives people talk about often. Which makes sense I mean... the ending of this one is horrifying, shocking and well done horror. It works well yet still feels horrifically jarring in a Garfield collection which previously had him as Moe or palling around with a child in a fantasy world. I'ts not entirely out of step but I can see how seeing garfield like this

Is going to be a lot. Primal Self is awesome though.. a tense simple horror story about a cat being confronted by the spirit of it's primal instincts, the domesticated meets the horrifying reality of nature.

The results.. are not pretty

That last shot is just chilling.. this poor animal about to kill it's person simply because some horrifying primal.. force awakened something dark and terrible inside it. It's a well done bit of horror. Is it the best fit for this book... probably not. But on it's own merits i'ts excellent and chilling, with a scratchy unfomortable yet raelistic style that fits the horrifying tone.

written by Jim Davis; illustrated by Gary Barker and Valette Hildebrand; color by Doc Davis

I love this: it makes perfect sense that in a book about garfield.. his own current life would pop up and I like that Davis used the format to tell a story that would be possible in the comic strip but take months of panels up.

So we get what's essnetially Garfield: Year One. We see his origins being born in the back of an itallian restraunt hinted at by the arc with his mom, as well as WHY they were seprated: he would've eaten everything otherwise and they share a fairly tender goodbye.

He then ends up in the pet shop where we meet my faviorite one off garfield character old eli

It used to be that lady what attacked Garfield, Jon, Odie and Some Guy when they were all stuck in a curtain

but come on.. how can you not want to take him home and bury him. He's a sweetheart. He's the snoopy's awkward teenage nephew of Garfield Characters and like Snoopy's Awkard Teenage Nephew he'll never be far from my heart

Thankfully Jon walks in to take garifled home, and Garfield clinging to his face gets Jon to accept his new cat overlord. Here they retcon Odie's origin to streamline it instead of being brought in by Jon's best friend Lyman who either was killed by garfield's clearly insastiable blood lust and kept in the basement or went off into the wilderness to take photos of wild life depending on who you ask.

He trains his new brother well, and we get Odie saving garfield from an ice cream truck which makes Garfiled greatful.. but not so greatful he won't spin it for his grandkits a decade later.

Garfield is a charming segment that's got some great jokes, a solid story and a nice bit of worldbuilding. I'll even take the lyman erasure as it's telling only 5 years into the strip he was already being erased from history. I mean it's so easy to do you can just take out that first panel and that that about sums up Odie's origins and Garfield's thoughts on his new pal.

written and illustrated by Jim Clements

Our finale.. is kind of a weak one to go out on. Garfield's in space and deals with a lite vgersion of red dwarf. We get a good gag or two: his defenses are a cat paw.. that's literally declawed, his computer is a computrized odie, and the vending machine dosen't even work. With this one , like Cave Cat in hindsight but more on that next time, the special version doing this but better soured me on it. It's not bad , it's nciely drawn and I really like the ending

But said ending dosen't quite feel like a proper climax for the anthology the way the ending of the film version is. STill it's not horrible or anythign it's just kinda... there.

RANKING

Since a certain someone will ask me to do this if I don't and because it'll be fun, i'll be ranking the stories for each version, then for the final BOOM studio version ranking the stories from all three versions in one big pile.

Primal Self: The short run time, sheer brutality and gorgeous art put it up top.

The Exterminators: it's wacky good fun with a great guest character and garfield with a shotgun.

Lab Animal: Tense and gorgeously drawn. An easy pick.

In the Beginning: A cute way to start the book

Babes and Bullets: A solid detective story, the adaptatoin simply does it better

The Vikings: Didn't think this one would be so high but it's just goofy fun

The Garden: Nothing I hate, just not really for me.

Garfield: I like it a lot it's just the other stuffs a touch more creative

Cave Cat: I'M NOT GOOD WITH PREHISTORIC STUFF OKAY?

Space Cat: A bit of a whimper to end on

So with that we can close the book.. and turn on the tv as next time I look at garfield's OTHER 9 lives, seeing what they replaced, what they changed about the segments they kept, and why this specail is so damn well loved. Spoilers: I'ts because i'ts really good. Thanks for reading.

[imagitory]

Im on anon cuz I'm kinda embarrased by this Q. I've recently been wanting to start writing short-story type things. Very fan-ficy, but nothing about any particular ship or story. Do you think it would be okay to post to somewhere like Ao3 if I dont have a specific ship I wanna write for? I've really enjoyed reading you Lack of Lamb Sauce series and thought you might have some good tips on how/where to start with short little drabbles? Sorry if this Q is rambly 😑

Hi, Anon! No need to be embarrassed, I’m very flattered you want my input at all! The drabble I wrote that spun off into Lack of Lamb Sauce was originally supposed to be just that -- a stand-alone drabble -- and honestly, writing something longer based on a one-shot was something I had never done previously. (I’m more of an “architect” than a “gardener,” when it comes to my writing, meaning I plan out almost everything ahead of time rather than just write and let the story grow the way it wants. Even LOLS I kind of knew what I wanted to do with it once I decided to introduce the MagicChef competition.)

But anyway, in regards to writing drabbles, I would say posting them here on Tumblr and/or on AO3 or other fanfiction sites is a great idea! It would allow you to get feedback and possibly even help inspire you in writing other drabbles or even fleshing out a particular drabble into a fuller story. And as much as fanfiction and fandom in general can get all gung-ho about shipping, it’s most definitely NOT required -- write about whatever you want! Write about friendships, or AU scenarios, or rivalries, or what-ifs, or a character’s inner musings, or whatever else you want. Depending on the sort of drabbles you write, you could either make a compilation fic with several drabbles featuring a similar theme, characters, and/or fandom as the “chapters,” or just post them all as separate one-shot fics. If you’re stuck not knowing what to write about, you can also search for “drabble themes” or “writing prompts” here on Tumblr or just on Google, if you want...or just keep your eye open for a really cool idea in the fandom you want to write for. Heck, LOLS all started because of this one post I’d seen on my dashboard several times!

Hope any of this helps!! xoxo

[dragongem777]

You Have my Word

Here’s a little ficy that’s been sitting in my files for foreevverrr. Enjoy!

This scene is set directly after Hawke’s primary mission: On the Loose in ACT 3.

 “I cannot believe that woman! How dare she put us up to this task and expect us side with her after what we saw! She’s completely mad!”

Anders’ sharp words rang loudly along the walls of the staircase that they descended. Thankfully, the loud clang of the gates being closed behind them didn’t allow the Templars standing guard to hear his cries of fury, but that didn’t stop an angry hiss of a response to fall from his archer companion’s lips.

“Do you honestly believe that the mages aren’t at fault for their actions!?” Sebastian’s angry reply was promptly given, and an angry scowl accompanied his words as the four walked along the gallows path. “The Templars were merely doing what they were told to do, and the mages resisted. Their actions are their fault, and their fault alone.”

“I cannot seriously believe you’re saying that.” Anders snapped back, glaring vehemently at the priest. “After what we saw, you still can’t see that the oppression they face is driving them to these extremes! Even Hawke saw that!”

Hawke winced when he heard his name, and he couldn’t help but feel a small twitch of his lip as the conversation was turned on him.

“That still doesn’t make it true, everyone is responsible for their own actions! What the mages did was against everything –“

“Sebastian, please. You cannot justify what the Templars did with that nonsense.” Hawke’s non-aggressive voice cut Sebastian’s off firmly.  “Does that mean what you did to the mercenaries who killed your family was your fault? Or theirs? Their actions demanded yours, as was the same for the mages.”

“Exactly.” Anders chimed in readily as his pace quickened to fall instep beside Hawke while they walked down the steps to board the small ferry to Hightown. Each of them stepped into the small boat and took a seat. “And each day it grows worse.” The blond mage finished as he adjusted himself on the wooden bench he sat upon.

Hawke shook his head and turned to look at the suspiciously quiet elf who sat next to Sebastian on the other side. He had nearly forgotten Fenris had accompanied them, as the elf had said very little since they had arrived in the Templar Hall.

Fenris had his elbow propped up on the side with his chin resting on the back of his hand. He would have appeared calm or completely indifferent, but the expression on his face was anything but. A dark cloud of anger masked his face, and his vehement eyes deliberately avoided contact with any of the people on the ferry. Hawke had rarely seen such blatant fury in his expression before, at least not so in a place where the eyes of the public lingered. He wasn’t even bothering to hide it.

It would have been unnerving, but Hawke was already so riled up from their encounter with the Knight-Commander he had chosen to ignore it for the time being.

The rest of the short ride to Hightown was silent between the four of them, as they all contemplated what had been said.

Finally, they reached the edge of the docks, and each swiftly exited the ferry.

But no sooner had they set foot upon the dock when the elf, without saying a word, promptly marched away from the small party without even a small glance back in their direction.

Hawke watched him go with slightly narrowed eyes.

He knew for certain that Fenris was upset with his defending of the mages, but his reaction was different from normal this time. Usually, he was quick to make his thoughts known in circumstances like these, especially in front of Anders, but the elf hadn’t said even one word since they’d left the Hall.

“He’s just angry that there’s no excuse this time.” Anders’ voice suddenly said beside him as the mage walked up to his side. “You did the right thing, Hawke. Those mages were not at fault.”

Hawke spared Anders a passing glance and a nod before he turned to Sebastian, who was silently watching them from behind.

“There’s no reason to think about this any longer today. We did what we had to.” Hawke said surely, glancing at the two of them. “We can talk about this another time, but for now I think it’s best for us all to get some rest.”

The two agreed, and with mutual understanding, the three parted ways.

 ~

Yes, he would get some rest. But only after this was resolved.

Hawke stood in front of the Hightown mansion that so famously belonged to the elf. He sighed, knowing that he was about to get his neck wrung for once again standing up for the mages.

It had been a long time since he and Fenris had argued about this issue, as each of them had a mutual understanding of what each other’s stances were on the matter. Each were teaching each other the importance of acceptance on both sides, and it seemed as though, though it was a slow process, that they were both getting better at understanding.

This is why Hawke was reluctant and confused.

He had expected his elven lover to be a bit miffed, but Fenris hadn’t just looked miffed, he had looked furious.

Something was off, and Hawke wasn’t even going to consider going home until it was figured out.

But still…he was reluctant to argue about this. Fenris’s powerful rationale was difficult to refute at times, and his stubbornness was also difficult to get passed.

He was not looking forward to this.

With a sigh, the mage reluctantly lifted a hand and gave the door three sharp raps and waited.

No answer – as expected.

With a deep breath, the mage reached for the handle and attempted to open the door – to no avail.

“Hmm…” Hawke’s brows furrowed.

Fenris usually only locked the door at night, but it wasn’t evening yet, and he was definitely home.

Hawke jiggled the handle a few more times before he stepped back and reached around the corner to search for the spare key that the elf left well hidden in a small crevice in the stone wall.

Nothing there.

Hawke squinted his eyes as he brows furrowed even further, and he looked up towards the mansion windows to see if they were open. He had thought perhaps he could shout his name, but they were closed – and there were also many people around.

So…he was being avoided.

The mage thought about breaking it open with magic, but considering what had just happened, he figured that probably wasn’t the best idea.

“Oohh, no. Not this time.” Hawke mumbled to himself as he adjusted his shoulders and backed up. With a slight smirk, the mage gallivanted around the side of the mansion, mind fixated on the one small chink in the household structure that he had managed to find one day while he had randomly been perusing Danarius’s abandoned things.

“Ah-ha.” With an imagined pat on the back, the mage slowly made his way towards a ledge with only one single window that was on the ground level. With a small push, the window easily gave in, and the frame that held it in place moved aside easily. With a heave, Hawke managed to throw his torso over the edge and follow the movement with a swift swing of his legs.

Wumph

The soft landing was admirable for a rogue, let alone a mage.

Garrett swiftly dusted himself off and turned to shut the open window.

“Right, down to business.” He rubbed his hands together and swiftly proceeded down the hallway towards the main hall of the mansion.

After making a few twists and turns, he managed to find his way to the center of the mansion and swiftly pushed open the door to reveal the large living area. The drafty area was dark and foreboding as usual, and the tilted paintings and random plants popping up throughout the tiled floor would have chased away any cautious person.

Hawke still couldn’t fathom why the elf refused to try and make the areas outside of his main room any more appealing, but he had guessed it had something to do with the fact that either he didn’t care enough to tidy it up, or perhaps he felt it warned away potential intruders.

The mage casually made his way up the steps around the left side, and noted how strangely his anticipation was rising. With a deep breath, he reached the top of the steps and walked over to the, unsurprisingly, shut door of the master bedroom.

Here went nothing.

Knock knock knock.

“Fenris,” Hawke said after he lowered his fist. When the elf didn’t respond, Hawke shook his head slightly and sighed. “Fenris, I’m coming in.”

True to his word, Hawke slowly pushed open the door.

A warm fire was lit and crackling, with random books and various weaponry strewn about the room, it appeared much more lived in than the rest of the mansion.

The elf himself was seated on the bench nearest to the crackling flames. A book was propped in his lap, and had it not been for the sour expression that masked his face, it would have appeared as though he was very absorbed in what he was reading.

“Do you not understand even the simple concept of privacy.” The elf muttered darkly without looking up. The statement barely came across as a question, and half of his face that was illuminated by the fire was bathed in anger.

“I think we both know that I have issues with that.” Hawke responded sarcastically, though he mentally kicked himself afterwards.

Now was not the time.

The elf didn’t respond, instead he continued to stare at the pages in his lap, though it was obvious he wasn’t reading any of it.

Hawke stood there for a moment, judging whether or not it was safer to stand there than to approach him, but after some deliberation, he made his way over to the bench adjacent to where his lover was sitting.

“Fenris, I think it’s important that we talk about this.” The mage said after a moment of sitting in the dark silence. He propped his elbows up on his thighs and folded his hands underneath his chin, waiting for a response from the elf.

He didn’t offer one, and continued to stare at the book in his lap.

“I’m aware that you feel as though those mages were responsible for their actions, but you also must have seen what the Templars were doing that pushed them. We cannot simply turn a blind eye to that.” Hawke continued, he stared longingly at the elf, desperately hoping that he would understand this side.

“We’ve discussed this before, we know that there’s a give and take with both sides, but Meredith overstepped her boundaries, she shouldn’t have –“

“What!?” The sudden outburst from the elf made Hawke blink in shock, while the book that was sitting in the elf’s lap crashed to the floor as he abruptly stood up. “You’re telling me Meredith overstepped her boundaries!?” Fenris bellowed, his hand flying to the side as he gestured. “She has no boundaries! She’s the one who sets them, how could you possibly say that she overstepped them!?” The rage that flowed through his words was enough to make Hawke shrink back, but he merely allowed himself to narrow his eyes as a response.  

“Meredith is not immune to the rules of the city, Fenris.” Hawke reasoned as he watched the elf pace towards the other side of the room. “She cannot be lead to believe that she is allowed to break those rules, someone has to –“

“-Someone like you, Hawke?” The elf spat in response, cutting him off abruptly. “Someone like you has to remind her that she isn’t allowed to say bad things about mages, that she isn’t allowed to blame them for the fact that they’ve turned themselves over to demons. YOU are the one that has to make sure that she sees why they did what they did!?”

“Fenris, someone needs to stand up to her, and given my position, I am possibly the only one that is able to!” Hawke’s voice raised as he presented his rationale, and he stood to his feet so that he could more easily face the furious elf. “The crimes of these mages are just as much able to be laid at the feet of the Templars as their own, how can you not see that?”

“Do not think me a fool, mage.” Fenris hissed, his fists clenching in response to his anger. “I know exactly what the Templars face when mages feel as though they have no other option. And I am perfectly aware of why mages feel the need to give themselves to demons to protect themselves. But for all that reason, you feel the need to aggravate the Knight-Commander of Kirkwall and blame her for the crimes of those mages. How do you think she sees you now?”

Hawke blinked, suddenly confused by the turn in the conversation.

“Do you believe that she sees you as an aid to the Templars?” Fenris continued, his lips curled in a snarl. “No. You made it blatantly obvious that your stance is with the mages and Orsino. There is no longer any doubt. You even have the gall to claim that she is the reason mages turn to blood magic. You’ve made her your enemy, Hawke. Meredith is already cautious of you seeing as you’re a mage, but for you to openly defy and insult her, do you have a death wish!?”

Again, the most Hawke was able to do was stare stupidly at the man before him. He hadn’t been expecting this at all. He had expected their normal argument about mage rights to ensue, but that wasn’t at all what Fenris was referring to.

“She is already looking for reason to turn you over to the Circle, why prod her!?” The elf yelled, a mix of desperation and fury laced his voice, and if Hawke hadn’t been so fixated on his expression, he might have missed the slight glisten in his eyes.

He suddenly realized what was happening.

“Fenris…” Hawke said quietly, his eyes dropping as they shut. He stood there in silence as realization flooded him.

This made a lot more sense now.

After a moment, Hawke raised his head and slowly made his way over to the elf at the end of the room. Fenris was still glaring furiously at him, but there was something in his eyes that screamed defeat – and most of all – fear.

“I’m not going anywhere; Meredith won’t be able to touch me.” The mage finally said, raising a finger so that he could tilt the elf’s head in his direction. “She can’t.”

Fenris closed his eyes and turned away as he brushed away the hand that touched him. “You’re a fool if you believe that, Hawke.” The elf muttered as he turned away to walk towards the open window near his bed. “Meredith is looking for any reason to lock you away. Anyone can see that. She knows you’re her biggest threat.”

Hawke watched the elf’s back, heavily contemplating his words. “I know that.” The mage finally said, taking cautious steps nearer to him. “But, Fenris…I am the only one who can. I have an obligation to defend these people.”

“And what good will you be locked away in the Circle, hmm? How will you defend your precious mages then?” The white-haired man suddenly snarled, turning his angry gaze on the mage beside him.

“It won’t come to that, Fenris.” Hawke reasoned.

“You’re too naive, Hawke.” Fenris huffed, shaking his head. “I can see it in her eyes, the way she stares at you, waiting for the smallest mistake to justify your imprisonment. And after today…” The elf trailed off, eyes unfocused as he recalled the memory.

Silence filled the air between them, only the sound of distant voices coming from the open window and the light crackle of the fireplace filled the room.

“I just…I don’t know what I would do if they took you.”

Hawke’s head raised at the unexpected words Fenris spoke. Though it was little more than a mumble, they might as well have been shouted for all the impact that they had on Hawke’s heart.

The brunet stared at the elf’s crestfallen face, his heart silently breaking at the image.

“They would make you Tranquil, Garrett…” Fenris’s troubled eyes rose to meet Hawke’s as he said the dreaded words. The mage had barely registered his movements before he found himself suddenly and swiftly wrapping the lithe frame in his arms, hugging him tightly in his strong embrace.

It all made so much sense now.

“I’m sorry I made you worry, amatus.” Hawke mumbled earnestly, eyes closing as he absorbed the warmth of the elf’s lean body. “I will do my best not to be so brash again.”

Hawke’s heart felt like it had been shattered into a million pieces, and he would sooner jump off the roof of the mansion than see Fenris’s eyes so hurt again.

“And Fenris,” Hawke said pulling away slightly so that he could look into the elf’s large green eyes. “Please, have faith in my abilities. Try all they want, we’ve defeated hordes of darkspawn, coterie, and Qunari. I think I could take a few Templars. Plus,” Hawke continued, swiping a few strands of white hair out of the elf’s eyes. “I know you’ll always have my back. That alone is enough for me.”

Fenris’s eyes fell, but he looked more reassured than he had before.

“I love you Fenris,” Garrett continued, tilting his head so that he could catch the elf’s gaze, “and it would take much more than a few mad Templars and their Knight-Commander to tear me from you.”

A weak smile pulled at Fenris’s lips as the elf allowed his gaze to fully meet Hawke’s. “You had better keep that promise, mage.” The shorter man said affectionately.

Returning the smile, Hawke leaned down and softly closed his lips over the elf’s, allowing the serenity of the moment to fuel the intensity of the kiss.

The kiss seemed to last a lifetime, but as soon as their lips parted, Hawke reached up and gently placed his hands on either side of Fenris’s face and brought their foreheads together.

“You have my word.”

  Okay – if anyone’s curious, I actually first started this fic out to be an explanation of how I view mages and their oppression and stuff – but it turned into this. It still accurately represents my views though! BUT – what I want to point out too, is that at the end of the game I actually sided with the Templars. I’m not going to explain that in this post – but if you’re curious as to why – please check it out here: 

Hope you liked it regardless! :P

[popculturebuffet]

Phantom of the Paradise Review: Reviewed at last! (Comission for Emma Fici)

Hello all you happy little eddie mitty's born in jersy city and a hearty horrifying mecahnical laugh for all you rest. I know i'm a bit late to the party but we're kicking off this halloween season's reviews with a true classic. After a year of wanting to do this it's finally time to talk about Phantom of the Paradise. I'd like to thank my friend emma for sponsoring this but I assure you this is my utmost pleasure and hers. We both watched the film for the first time last month after a year or two of me listening to the soundtrack constantly but procastinating on the film because my brain does stupid things sometimes.

So we're finally here. For those who haven't heard of this masterpiece, the short version: Phantom of the Paradise is a 1974 film from legendary director Brian De Palma, one of his earlier films and only two years before his breakout with Carrie which despite being a horror fan, I have not seen. In fact this is the first film i've seen from DePalma but definitely won't be the last.

The film was a passion project of DePalmas, coming about shortly after his film Sisters. This was thanks to producer Ed Pressman, who in an interview with nerdist explained DePalma came to him shortly after making Get to Know Your Rabbit at Warner Bros.

Just looking on wikipedia alone the experince was a nightmare, with star Tom Smothers being an absolute douchebag, hating Depalma's direction, refusing to shoot at times and outright disappearing. Warner Bros itself was no kinder, cutting the film to all hell in editing. DePalma understandably wanted the hell out of there and begged Pressman, who he was friends with to get him out of there. pressman's exact words.

So Pressman did and DePalma happened to have two films he was optioning. Sisters, a pscylogical drama and Phantom. Both were more eager to do Phantom but did sisters first as it was more commerical and brian happened to be rooming with a bunch of young acresses including Margot Kidder, who they got to star in it.

The film was a hit and thus allowed De Palma and Pressman to go ahead. For music they went to A and M Records, a hot studio at the time that was opening up to movies.. and had under contract one Paul Williams. Yes the future muppet maestro who'd written some hits but was happy to take on the role as it allowed him to stretch his legs a bit and got him into film composing.

Together this dynamic duo crafted a true treat, a tale of love, faustian bargins, rock n roll, metalic screeching, cool as hell masks, industry corruption, printing press accidents, rocking gore effects, BEEF, hauntingly good music, and Paul Williams as a terrifying villian. The film didn't do so hot initially due to a combo of lawsuits (Warner being mad over phantom of the opera despite it being you know, public domain even at the time, Led Zeplin being mad about the swan song productions logo and demanding it was changed. Stupid bullshit) and needed redits, combined with the studio having no idea how the hell to market it. But it was a hit in france, japan and winnepig, securing it's place as a cult classic that's been well loved since. So on this it's 50th anniversary join me under the cut as I break down one of the best horror comedies you'll ever see.

And As I Lived My Roll, I Swore I'd Sell Soul...

We open with a narration from Twilight Zone maestro Rod Sterling. I had to double check the first time I heard it but yup. Sterling introduces us to the world and our main antagonist...

Swan... he has no other name. His past is a mystery, but his work is already a legend. He wrote and produced his first gold record at 14. In the years since then, he’s won so many others that he once tried to deposit them at Fort Knox. He brought the Blues to Britain. He brought Liverpool to America. He brought Folk and Rock together. His band, the Juicy Fruits, singlehandedly gave birth to the nostalgia wave in the 70s. Now he is looking for the new sound of the spheres, to inaugurate his own Xanadu, his own Disneyland: the Paradise, the ultimate Rock Palace. This film is the story of that search... of that sound... of the man who made it... the girl who sang it... and the monster who stole it.

It's a damn good intro that covers 80 pounds of exposition in a way that feels truly epic and warranted. The rest of the films storytelling is more through visuals or maybe a quick spinning paper, but this works well to build up swan as this mysterious musical mastermind.

So we open proper at a gig for the Juicy Fruits

And Winslow Leach at the Piano. The Juicy Fruits are played by Archie Hahn, Jeffrey Comanor, and Harold Oblong. Their a 50's revivial act, which yes was a thing back then see Happy Days, Grease and American Beauty and if anything something Phantom was ahead of the curve. DePalma originally wanted real life 50's revival group Sha Na Na but couldn't get them.. or Williams strongly campaigned to use his backing band instead. It depends on who you ask. Either way Williams got his way and his band does a terrific job. Hahn in paticular gets to since his heart out performing a cheesy 50's style ballad with our opening number "Goodbye Eddie Goodbye"

Goodbye Eddie Goodbye is from a genre i'm only vaugely aware of, 50's tragedy songs where someone horribly dies. I've seen it hinted at in works set there like Grease or Hairspray. The result is a fun song, with Han adapting what can best be described as.. an accent. I THINK he was going for a 70's white guys version of a 50's white guys version of a mexican and possibly got caught in the washer. But it's goofiness fits the genre. Also one of them tries tearing a woman's clothes off because no one batted an eye at that shit in the 70's.

The performance does well and whlie it goes Swan is caked in shadow as he talks to his fixer, Arnold Phillbin played by character actor George Memoli. Sadly memoli passed away in the mid 80's a damn shame given Scorcese loved working with the guy and defintely would've kept him well employed into the present. Philbin is a monster, who casually recaps a tale of wooing a young artist, dating her, and keeping her under a lifetime contract and keeping her doped up to keep performing as "her fault" for wanting to perform for the poor and her fault for him killing her after she won in court.

Swan is unintrested as he's instead caught in what's going on on stage. During the performance a young pianist Winslow Leach was trying to promote himself. Leach is played by William Finely, who previously was one of the stars of Sisters and was a lifelong collaborator of DePalmas till his death in 2012. He does a terrific job here, starting out as the wide eyed gawky long haired winslow. Winslow has plenty of talent but hasn't had his break yet.

So as the crowd empties out between sets, Winslow sings his beautiful masterpiece "Faust", the intended opening of a cantana based on the legend of a scholar who sold his soul to the devil and the origin of the term Faustian Bargin.

Faust is a truly beautiful songs and one of my faviorite numbers, and it's staged gorgeously, a rotating shot of Finely singing his heart out as the crowd peters out.. and he's left alone. In an interview on the film that's included on the Scream Factory! Re-Release of the movie, which I highly recommend, DePalma pointed out some symbolism i'd missed: that this is the purest expresion of his form, his art... and then over the film the song and Leech's work in general get twisted. It's one of only two times his work is expressed not for greed from someone who stole it, but through honest emotion. There's no one listening but us but what we hear is a beautiful melodic cry for love "to dream a little style, to dream a bunch of friends, to dream it never ends". It belies the fact that Winslow.. just wants to be acccepted... to be seen.

Sadly.. this is where it gets stolen in the first place as the person who sees it is swan who sends Philbin to fetch it. Lucky for both of them Leech is a dull dull boy and gladly hands over his music for swan to see without a contract. We also see a nice hint of anger as the meer IDEA the juicy fruits will perform his music has him pin Philbin against a wall. Philbin's able to calm Leech down before he goes through that fuckin wall and succesfully steals his work.

Months later Winslow TRIES to go to Death Records, Swan's HQ to talk to him but gets rebuffed. Annoyed and finding out he's doing auditions to sing his work, Leech continues his string of good decisions by breaking into Swan's manor during a casting call that's really just an excuse to have an orgy. I dont' know why you'd have to lie, i'd go to an orgy with Paul Williams.

There Leech meets Phoenix, played by the incomprable Jessica Harper. She's a rennisance woman having started as an actress in cult classics like Phantom, Shock Treatment (Where I first saw her), Pennies from Heaven and Suspria, before transitoning more into music and then writing a cookbook. She hasn't retired from acting, still doing it on and off but it's not really her main focus anymore. She's lived a truly charmed life and i'm proud of her. She's great her as phoenix giving an era of both toughness and vunerablility, wanting this shot but not willing to screw swan for it and storming out when she finds out this is an orgy. Which is fair, even a paul williams orgy isn't fun if it's a casting couch situation. Nothing about those are fun.

The two hit it off but Leech is escorted out and takes the hired goons as a sign he should try again

This time costs him as he pretends to be a woman and Philbin, getting the sense this isn't going to end, has Winslow framed for drug dealing with some crooked cops and sentenced in.. a court with an american flag drapped over it.

This is where the film goes from zero to fucking insane fast, as soon Winslow is getting his TEETH RIPPED OUT. Thankfully off screen. It's a sad sceen as he meekly asks for it not to happen, but it's no good.

Then... after a time skip things.. escalate quickly. In Sing Sing, sponsored by Death Records, because just like the record industry the prison systems fucked and corrupt, winslow hears Uphostery, by the Juicey Fruits, now the beach bums. I'll unpack the song in a bit for now it just drives Winslow mad... er and he goes on a rampage throwing boxes and screaming in a weird jumpsuit, storming into the printing press trying to break it and then getting caught in the thing as he evades security.

Yeah I got nothing. I can make zingers and analysis all damn day but... I got nothing this time.

So Winslow stumbles out, his face mangled and in a touch I didn't notice DePalma poitned out we don't see his face till the very end. There originally was a shot of it after, but we don't see what the accident did. The horror's still palpable as not only can you imagine just how bad getting smushed into a record press is, but the sheer pain finley conveys. Whatever was left of Winslow Leech is seemingly gone. And.. it's a genuine tragedy. While Winslow's new persona is going to do some awful things and was an impulsive goober, true, it's hard not to think of the wide eyed musical genius who had his life stolen from him. It dosen't help that shit happens a LOT. Just look at Ke$ha who took YEARS to get free of her label after they forced her to keep working with her abuser. And that's not even getting into Swan's inspiration Phil Spector, which we'll get to promise. It's such a realistic horrific thing in a campy musical where a man gets his teeth replaced by metal , his face smushed after a freak out and decides the best revenge is putting on a costume and going a murderin.

And that's where we're at. Winslow sneaks into the paradise and after slinking around finds the costume department and dawns his iconic costume. And that gets thrown around a lot, to the point Smiling Friends takes the piss out of the term every chance they get, but the helmet here truly is iconic, having inspired Daft Punk (who met at a screening of the film), a lupin film, and more.

The long beak, the eyptian style eye designs, the sleek metal. And the rest of the costume isn't too shabby: the dracula collar, all leather outfit for better lurking and dramatic red cape. It's one of the best designs in horror cinema, and it truly rocks. with the metal teeth only adding to it. Winslow Leech is gone. Meet the Phantom of the Paradise.

So Winslow decides to go after the Juicy Fruits first the old fashioned way: Car Bomb. He plants a car in a jeep the juicy fruits are using for a performance of Uphostery. And now we can talk about this song and it's a goofy delight. It took me far too many listens to realize this was faust just rearranged, but it's a testiment to williams talent. It's also a testiment to his talent it both nails being a mockery of the original... while still credibly being a radio bop. Williams deeply loved the beach boys so this assigment was easy for him, as was the 50's beats of goodbye eddie goodbye as he'd grown up on them.

So with a splitzscreen one of the juicy fruits and a bunch of innocent extras blow up real good and Winslow begins his descent. his actions before were over the top but understandable, the choke slam being not wanting his music to be butchered and his freak out also the result of months in prison for something he didn't do. Now he's killed a guy.. because he didnt' like him singing his music and will kill again.

His next intended target DOES deserve it though Swan. And while Williams appeared earlier than the orgy it's here I feel we get Swan's real debut. As I hinted at Swan is played by Paul Williams. DePalma liked Williams enough he wanted him to play the phantom at one point, but Williams declined, citing his short stature and finley simply being a better fit, having the facial acting needed to spend most of the film in a mask. Which was true, Finely is great with wide eyed insanity as the phantom but can still emote pain or tenderness when needed. It's a masterful performance.

So when saying he'd rather be throwing thigns at the phantom, Depalma decided to make him Swan. It's a move that could've backfired: Williams was a clean cut short man with boyish good looks. And yet.. that's exactly why it works. Swan isn't some over the top creepy guy naturally. He has an aura of creep.. but Williams gives him the swagger and charm you'd expect. You see WHY people buy into swan and don't distrust this creep. You see it from whent hey meet: Rather than be.. rattled a man he thought was dead is stalking him in a silver bird mask and just killed a person.. he's not even remotely rattled. He comes to winslow as a friend, apologizes for the mixup.. and offers a deal. It's that cold, easygoing manner that makes him creepy, likening to real abusers like Harvey Weinstein, someone you might KNOW is bad by rep but can still talk someone into something horrifying because you don't know how bad.

Swan seems to be based on music producer and convicted murderer Phil Spector. Given his original name was indeed Spectre, I don't doubt it was subtle. Spector was a prominent music producer for decades, who was also known for being drunk and stoned out of his mind and brandishing a gun MULTIPLE times. So even by the time Phantom came out most people in the music biz knew he wasn't a good guy, and that was before he murdered a woman. He thankfully died in jail before he could be parolled which you'd THINK was impossible but well.. OJ died a free man.

While Swan is just as murdery and monsterous, he's not nearly as unstable, calmly taking the phantom in and getting him to sign a contract.. in blood.

Rather than ask any followup questions, the Phantom signs this shady contract. Which while I get Swan not over abusing this, I mean you can't give every third rate act a contract with the devil.. but this is THE music Swan was searching for to open the paradise. You coudl've had bill finely coked up in your walls months ago.

It underlies something I hadn't realized but for a fixer Philbin is .. really bad at his job. He only gets away with Leech's music becuase Leech is a dull dull boy, and roughs the man up TWICE before getting "well he's not going to stop might as well plant drugs on him. " And that STILL goes horribly sideways and leads to a person getting killed. Swan solved their problems, for now with one deal with someone who was stupid and naive enough to deal with the devil in the first place. I get it the other stuff is standard record industry scumbaggery but when just.. talking to the person and getting them to sign a rigged contract, satanic or not would've been easier.. why not lead with that?

So with that the pact is sealed: The Phantom will finish Faust and Swan will let him pick who sings is. This leads to the return of Phoenix and our next number Special To Me. I love Special to me, a nice 70's bop about a woman who worries her partners obession with being somebody and not workin just to survivie will destroy him. Something I love about this musical is EVERY song feeds into the film beautifully despite being digetic (as opposed to the characters just bursting into song their performing in universe when they sign). This summing up just what happened to Winslow, that he put his obessesions over his health.

Well you told me one time That you'd be somebody That you weren't working just to survive But you're working so hard that you don't even know you're alive

Working so hard to be somebody special Not working just to survive Well you're special to me, babe But what I don't see, babe Is where you go once you arrive Where we go once we arrive

Granted I don't get equating working just to survie with being.. good as i'ts okay to work beyond that, but I get it. Your work can eat away at you as it did with Williams. Unsuprisingly writing a films music, producing it AND acting was a lot and Williams credits it to the hubris of youth he was able to do it all, mentoning how he worked all night then went to make up to take off his make up from the previous day which was still on.

Harper also has a great persence, wearing a hat because why not, throwing it off for flair and winning over the crowd and both Swan and The Phantom

So the Phantom gets to work, wtih swan giving him a new voice that's perfect. naturally it's williams who also admitted in the dvd interview, an old one judging by the fact he talks about being called in to work on pans labyrinth at the time, he did all the tracks. It's why the hell of it, which we'll get to much later of it, still has his voice and likely why beauty and beast does. It still works textually as Swan is such a narcsist yet strangely dosen't like being recorded on film, so being able to find a loophole to not being able to record like this pleases the little gremlin.

So weeks pass as the Phantom writes his masterpiece and Swan gives him plenty of drugs to keep him focused while planning to replace Phoenix because "I abbhor perfection in anyone but myself". It's a perfectly sleazy line and Williams deliveries in this film are just perfect: quick, to the point, and with a hint of swans ego and self absorbtion beneath the veneer of charm.

So in his gold record shaped lair somewhere within his lair at the paradise, man's gotta have multiple evil sanctums after all, he interviews various acts trying out the latest part of Faust, beauty and beast eventually settling on glam rock gay icon BEEF.

Gerrit Graham is another DePalma regular, appearing in a few of his films. To my shock I also found out he was Bud the Chud in Chud 2: Bud the Chud which I mostly love for Grahm's performance and that fucking phenominal theme song. He was also another character i've adored for decades at this point, Franklin Sherman on the animated sitcom the critic. He was the best and I did not recognize him.

So it's no suprise with a long history after this of fun small parts Grham would kill it as Beef, a campy man decked in glitter, platform shoes and the ego of a greek god, an over the top cartoon who swan introduces alongside his new backing band the undead, i.e. what's left of the juicy fruits.

The Phantom is unaware of this and Swan has him bricked in now he has what he wants. Phoenix is reduced to a backup singer as Beef butchers Old Souls, a great number we'll get to and falls the fuck over and is encouraged to make it his own. So while a young George Martin cringes somewhere hearing that advice, the Phantom finds out he's been bricked in, and screams. And I love the phantom's screams and crackles, all horribly digitized with tons of feedback. it's so distinct, creepy and awesome. Unfortuantely Swan underestimated his pawn and the Phantom escapes in the usual way

And threatens beef, telling him his song is for phoenix only. Anyone who tries.. dies. After.. doing a great gag subverting psycho only instead of a stabbin in the shower with the spigot on hot, he plungers his mouth shut

Beef being a resonable weirdo tries to flee and Philbin.. threatens him to stay. Despite the fact that in a great line Beef knows what's "drug real and real real". And someone doing a carbomb a month or two ago. And the horrifying shreek the phantom let out as he escaped they both defintely heard.

So Beef is forced to perform. Lucky for us as it's a fucking killer number but before that we have another good number Somebody Super Like You. This is performed by the undead and is a fun prog rock number, mostly livened up by the performance where they yank fake bodyparts off the audeince to create their frankenstein monster. Really fun stuff.

So we get to my faviorite number in this impecible soundtrack, Life at Last. I love this one for the vocals which aren't Grahms but Raymmond Kennedy a seasoned musicain who in addition to several solo albums has done music for Aerosmith, Fleetwood Mac, and The Beach Boys and was good friends with Otis Redding.

So naturally he sings the hell out of Life at Last, which sounds like an awesome villian song for the Phantom by proxy:

Life at last, salutations from the other side I can see that you're the devil's pride Do you realize that all of you donated Something horrible you hated That was part of you? I'm your nightmares comin' true I am your crime

I'm the evil that you created Gettin' horny and damn frustrated Bored stiff and I want me a woman now

It works for so .. many characters. So many. But in general it's just awesome, a gravely voiced glam rock number about revenge heavy in themeatics for the movie and killer guitar riffs, backed up by Grahm's great strutt and killer outfit. While everyone might hate Beef in unvierse, you can't deny his talent.

Still the Phantom did warn him and decides to stop being subtle and throws a fucking neon lightning bolt at the man electrocuting him and laughing manically.

Philbin realizes he done fucked up and puts Phoenix on stage.. who was on stage before backing up but is , as Williams noted, in a white dress because why not. We then get a very close second for my faviorite song of the musical, Old Souls. Old Souls is a truly impactful number, about a lover who may be dying telling her partner we'll see each other again. It's a greatly staged number as harper stands center, letting the soul sink in, the phantom putting the spotlight on her as for just one breif moment his music is heard as intended. It's reflected in the staging: a once raging crowd now quiet, the light all on her. It's truly beautiful.

Our paths have crossed and parted This love affair was started long, long ago This love survives the ages In its story, lives are pages Fill them up, may ours turn slow, oh

Williams admitted that while a love song, part of his pain from his mother slowly dying leaked into his work. This song is haunting, gorgeous and easily Jessica Harpers best musical performance i've seen. And she's delightful in shock treatment.

Sadly for the Phantom Swan just can't help but be a dick and quickly seduces Phoenix.. while knowing the phantom is watching...

Fun fact I adore: Gideon Graves from scott pilgrim... was based off Swan. He's a bit taller and more traditonally handsome, but he has that same "beloved entertainment guru hiding mass abuse of women and others" vibe, a lair of cool shit and creepy designs on the lead's love intrest. It's diffrent enough to not be plagarisim but once you know the similiatrites it's impossible not to see and cool to see. I wish i'd been more aware of Phantom when I covered volume 6. I might've spotted more.

So the Phantom at his lowest and realizing Swan is just going to keep jerking him around because Swan just.. loves misery. I'ts now why I can see he put winslow through all this shit: it's not that winslow didn't matter.. he just perfers the slow path. Granted he still could've had the guy cooked up in his wall then tortured him but eh he's immortal he's gotta get his laughs somewhere.

Yes immortal... see the PHantom tries to kill himself.. and finds he can't. The Contract links him to swan. As long as swan is alive he can't die.. and when he tries to kill Swan... swan barely reacts and coldly responds "I'm under contract too" wanting the phantom to get back to work and planning to marry phoenix. It's tha tcold unfeeling sociopathy that really defines swan: he loves nothing else, no one else and seems happiest when screwing someone over and despite a mountain of setbacks easily turns them around on his opponent.

So the Phantom heads back to the paradise and while Swan preps for his wedding, with Philbin as occiant because god isn't coming anywhere near this wedding anyway. At least we get to see him in a pope hat. WIth Swan busy , the Phantom sneaks into his room and finds something important.. a video tape. It has not a snuff film as part of an anthology nor a ring girl bu tthe reveal of why swan's immortal.

The scene that follows is mildly trippy and creepy as it's paul williams.. talking to his reflectoin. It's a tape from years ago: Swan was planning to commit suicide as he realized he was getting older, and in his vanity, wanted to die young. Enter his good buddy the Devil, who likes the cut of Swan's gib. I also like the contrast between past swan and the devil in williams performance: the devil is smily and off putting while Swan before his asendence is giggly, offputt and out of it, possibly very high. But the offer is way too good to pass off: eternal youth. In exchange swan can't be recorded, over the film he's had any cameras on him destroyed and plans to use a mask for the ceremony. The tape will age for him and if it dies, he too can die.

The Phantom also finds out from the recordings Swan plans to kill phoenix during the wedding, profiting off her forever and having tricked her into signing her wn contract. The PHantom realizes the only way to free the wwoman he loves is to kill swan. Which is a risk as his deal has kept him alive, it's also most likely why his facial injuries never killed him in my eyes, as he went right from those to stalking swan at the paradise with the deal happening that night.

So our hero.. ish leaps into action. And I like the ballance.. winslow isn't a good person, quick to anger, he's killed multiple people who did nothing to him when Swan's the real bastard. But yet you root for him to at least win this once as after all he's been through.. swan has to go and if swan isn't stopped... Phoenix won't be the last person he hurts or sells to satan.

So after casually killing philbin, the phantom storms on stage during the wedding and stops the sniper, while the crowd and the dancers on stage riot and with his tape destroyed... swan starts to rot.

I love his melty horrifying face towars the end as he strangles phoenix proving in his final acts he's a monster who likes to hurt people and it's all he ever was. No amount of talent could maks the monster he is... The phantom finishes him off.. but starts to die and we get a truly tragic ending. As the crowd tears swan apart. the phantom limps to Phoenix.. and she remembers... and she realizes both who this man whose been creeping around is and what he could've been and weeps as the crowd dosen't notice.. no one notices... the Phantom dies.. winslow dies.. alone.. but maybe nloved. And maybe in a better life... they coudl've been more.

We end the film with credits of all the actors set to the song that let me know this film's soundtrack existed, The Hell of It. It was meant for Beef's funeral, to be sung by the phantom but they ddin't have the money for that scene, and honestly it works way better as both a sendoff to the film and a final fuck you to swan, one of film's greatest monsters now throughly slain.

Love yourself as you loved no other Be no man's fool and be no man's brother We're all born to die alone You know, that's the hell of it Life's a game where they're bound to beat you And time's a trick it can turn to cheat you And we only waste it anyway And that's the hell of it

Good for nothing, bad in bed Nobody likes you and you're better off dead Goodbye (Goodbye) We've all come to say goodbye (Goodbye) Goodbye (Goodbye) Born defeated, died in vain Super-destructive, you were hooked on pain And though your music lingers on All of us are glad you're gone

If I could live my life half as worthlessly as you I'm convinced that I'd wind up burning too

It's a song full of pure contempt.. and i'ts all swan deesrves.

This film deserves all the praise and I highly recommend getting the blu ray if you can swing the money. The film's a faustian tragedy with the astetics of Adam West Batman and it's as hilarious, tragic and horrifying as that sounds. If you love you some weird shit, some great music and some well done character work, you'll love this movie as I now do. Writing it up's only made me love it more . It was an honor to finally do this one, thanks for reading.

[popculturebuffet]

Breaking Cat News Retrospective: Year 8: Flashbacks Ahoy-hoy (Patreon Review for Emma Fici

Hello all you happy people and welcome back to my long look at Breaking Cat News, the best comic strip currently running. And to my shock this retrospective, that's lasted almost a year and through two homes... is almost done. Just two more entries after this covering 2022 (Minus a few strips here as the last arc of 2021 bleeds into 2022 this time), and 2023 and this retrospective will take a yearlong slumber worry of the fluffiest of good kitties, coming back each year from now until doomsday. I just wanted to thank Emma for sponsoring these reviews allowing me to do this. While this has been far from my most popular series, it's one of the ones i'm most proud of and I woudln't have it any other way.

After a packed year of the people dealing with Covid, Goldie settling in, and some good old fashion wrasslin, 2021 is a chill year for BCN. I noticed as I re-read it that 2021's arcs lean more to the slice of life side of the strip with a blackout, a camp out in the living room, and ending (and beggining the next year) with the cats freaking out over new food. This isn't a bad thing either: after the lockdown, I can't blame Georgia for just wanting to have some fun shenanigans. The pandemic didn't go away (and still hasn't sadly), but with the Woman and Man getting their vaccines and having guests for the first time, there's less stress in the air, something I visably felt as 2021 went on and that comes through in this strips.

As a result of this chiller tone the bigger stories this year come not from big events in the present, as the cats and humans get some time off from being put through it, and more from the past: We get THREE flashback stories this year, all nice character pieces: A look into Baba's past career as a reporter, the origin of Puck's neverending battle against the leaves, and a spooky halloween tale about how Violet and Natasha met Alice and Agnes.

While i'll have less to talk about as a result.. 2021 is still a great year of the strip, with some truly outstanding gags and great character work. So join me under the cut won't you as we look into the highs, the lows and the food protests of 2021 of Breaking Cat News

For a fairly chill year 2021 naturally has a pretty cozy start: Elvis and Puck fight for a bit after Puck accidently wakes Elvis up

THough as you'd expect they make up quickly. The woman enters a blanket cocoon, and a certain little lady gets her very own newsdesk, While puck learns a valuable lesson on groundhog day in one of my faviorite short arcs of the series.

That last line really hits me. It's all about perspective and explains why Groundhog day exists: to give us hope or to unite us all in getting through the next 6 weeks.

The cats also deal with a blackout for a bit, new england winters and all. All great arcs by the way. Nothing for me to dig into character wise, just solid relatable comedy and warm fuzzies, the stuff the comic accels at.

It isn't till march a true crisis hits our heroes. And while it's true this is one of the more chill years of the strip, if not the chilliest... it dosen't stop it from having the single most bonkers storyline georgia's ever crafted.

We Got Leprechauns

I'm going to let the next few strips speak for themselves.. just really.. let ya'll soak it all in.

Yup, there's a lep in the hood come to do no good. This.. this is happening. And the series HAS had ghosts so Leprechauns existing isn't out of question.. it's just a bit of a leap to go from "the spirits of cats that once lived in the house and one old woman who loved them all" , something pretty easy to swallow and that fits with the idea pets often see thigns we don't to "one of those things we see are tiny feral irishmen who bite people". It's not BAD honestly, we get good gags out of it and the idea of a leprechaun being mad the kids set their harmless leprechaun traps is hilarious as it is terrifying to see these poor kids stalked by this little creature. It could only be creepier if it were warwick davis playing the part but alas , he's retired. I love how bonkers this is too, I just can't ignore that even for a weirdo like me, this is a lot to take in and has only come back about once so far, so ti feels like this really weird if really fun and unique chapter in the strips history.

Thankfully for our poor babies, help's on the way..

I love all of this, from Natasha bringing back her spiky fighting leather jacket, to Natasha blowing this jerk out of the room. HOW she got the hair dryer into the room we'll never know, but considering she just blew a vengeful leprechaun out a window now's probably not the time to question logic.

And if that wasn't enoguh for you, a familiar face happens to know this bog monster's mom, so his humilation isn't over yet

All in all one of the funnest storylines in the strip, and defintely the weirdest thus far.

So with the Leprechaun sucessfuly blown out of the house and forced to apologize... We can get back to normal things, like Lupin getting some unfortunate news about cars

This is one of my faviorites too. It both fits lupin well and makes really good use of Goldie's life experince.

We get some more REALLY fun arcs as the people have a wrestling watch party And the man buying kebble. That was not a typo

Another faviorite short arc of mine, a simple premise, hilariously executed. I also love the fact Burt loves it: it fits his character and it's just adorable to see him with his mug and plate full of rocks that's also somehow cat food. Side note, starting to get why Elvis hates the man so much.

And finally we have "Elvis gets himself stuck on a curtain and is too old and stubborn to accept help to get down unless it's his mommy. Enjoy the nightmare fuel!

So with that we enter our next major arc

Heads Up: Most People News is Terrible: So it's early 2021, so that mean's it's time for SHOTSSSSSSS BABBYYYY. And for our human cast that means heading for the vet clinic.. which naturally confuses the heck out of our protaganists

Dang! .... also yeah our cats have questions.. and while our boys are usually great parents.. they sent the wrong kitten to get answers.

I wanted to put this one in isolation.. because that last panel is so dang impactful. Poor bea's thousand yard stare.. and Baba's just mournful look. She gets the guys didn't mean anything by this but also gets that this was a LOT for a poor little kitten to process. I mean I barely made it through 2020, I can't imagine what reading through all that would be like.

It's also a clever way to finally have the cats learn the awful truth and a bitter bit of irony: Their finally using Beatrix to do her job.. and it's the one time they REALLY shoudln't have. Thankfully Baba subs for her.

I love this arc a lot... it really sums up just how trying the pandemic was, what we all went though.. and how important and brave it was to take the precautions responsible people did to protect others. Also the "Montage in my head of the woman baking bread and crying" "big same" punchline is a classic. It's also a bit of a button on writing about COVID. The Impact of it isn't gone, but like with most of us with the immense mental pressure of having to hide inside gone and vaccines allowing people to get out again, there's less emphasis on the woman and man being there. Granted like when the pandemic happened, this dosen't change much: the Woman is a stay at home mom since Georgia herself works from home and the kids are still toddlers at this point, but the clear spectre of it looming over most human scenes is gone.

Robot Rodeo

We go right from the vaccine arc to another one as the woman is warn out having to vaccum every day since ya know, 4 cats and 2 small children. The nana thankfully comes to her rescue though with the solution of the future: A ROBOT. Specifically a robot vacum, to help keep the cat hair down.

I love that The Nana, and impliclity Georgia's mom, is a giant sci fi nerd and the nice kind of person who sends their daughter a bunch of robots.

Yeah she didn't stop at JUST the robot vacuum to help with the work load: she also sent a Destry Hearth (think alexa) and a drone for the kids to play with. And Cats, who soona djust to their new robot roomies

Not that the new roomies don't have their trouble: Destry is SUPPOSED to set Tortimer to vacum but the kid's obessesion with Love shack makes that a tall order, as does Lupin's cowboy antics, but thankfully the poor vacuum eventually finds a friend.. as does Lupin so he'll leave poor tortimer alone.

So a lot to unpack. First, sir, I was also a kid in the 90's. And in the 2000's when the Gorillaz were first about.The point is I do remember love shack being a thing. Also man was it awesome when all the best bands were cartoons. Cherished Days.

Second i'll never not love "I"ve learned nothing and you know it" or "So lonsome he could cry" two of my faviorite jokes in the strip. Such great Lupin stuff.

After this we get a wholesome adventure where, after a tropical storm rains on their camping plans, the family have a camp out in the living room, allowing our heroes to join in.

So.. many great jokes this year. What it lacks in character stuff it makes up for in character humor and i'm here for it. I also love "everyone's answer is burt" Though I DON'T think Elvis' would be.. or at least it won't be by next year but we'll get to my ship next time.

Now in the 90's

Our next arc spins out of this one: while our heroes were camping, our other heroes, specifically Tommy, Burt and Beatrix, are looking up old footage. Like the audience Bea wants to follow up on that juicy reveal that Baba was a reporter once and with some help from an old Friend/Fiend/Annoyance, they find what their looking for

I love the idea of this arc, really peeling back the backstory we've seen hints of, but really havne't gotten to see, while also using it to set up a LOT of stuff for down the road. This arc already came off important when I read it the first time, as it shades in Baba's past pre-Wicket and explains a lot about mag.. and a certain someone else we'll get to. But it also leaves a LOT of story nuggets that were frozen to be warmed up with 2023's big storyline, which we'll get to in january. It's also nice to see Angus alive and well and I love the roll reversal of MOUSE being the young one with an older mentor.

Speaking of that certain someone else, their the reason Mag's here on the big pink lawn

Said war will be important later. Seriously props to georgia for setting up an arc two years down the line here without anyone noticing. Anyways yup, Jules REALLY is immortal and while it was already hilarious enough the same bug somehow came back every year, Georgia decided to take it up a notch with this arc, as finding out he's an old friend of Angus is just the START of how old this guy really is.

Some other nice touches before we move on: Clover was mentioned before, I just missed it the first time around as a historic scribe, the mole here implies all moles int he BCN world have beautiful mustaches Viltrumite styles, and finally you might notice a small golden mouse whose exactly who you thinks he is in the corner.. something I missed on re-reading this till gathering the'se strips for this review.

So with that the trial begins.. and given the charges are parnoid nonsense to begin with Jules easily beats them with no real effort. That said even if he hadn't a certain chekovs gunwoman makes sure he gets his freedom

Having the golden mouse show up was a stroke of genius, not only allowing us, and the mice who idolize her, to actually SEE her, but it makes sense: She WOULD have been around at this time as it would've been just before her battle with wicket. IT's also neat to see she lives up to the legends: you'd THINK the mice exagerated but outside of making her out to be some form of god. I also love the reveal Clover's the one who drew the tapestry the mice had back int he Wicket arc. Brilliant stuff. We have a bit more to wrap up with this arc... just in time for one of my faviorites as the girl plays dress up with our poor kitties.

That "O Mag" hits me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. and i'm here for it. Such a touching little moment that shows some humanity in our usually grouchy trash god empress. The dress up arc, as short as it is.. is just pure gold. I mean I feel bad the real and strip cats got put through this, but the image of Goldie yowling "This is an outrage" in a bonet" will never not make me smile.

WE get some other short arcs I once again really can't cover in full, but are all comedy gold so we have a lightning round baby: the cats get a cabniet litterbox and Elvis takes it with as much dignity as he can manage, the cats get into hostile sandwitch negotations with the man who dosen't get how small his bargining power is, Elvis falls in love with the new crinkle tunnel, and some Jasons outside have a domestic dispute our heroes can't help turning away from car crash stylez. All some of Georgia' sbes tcomedy writing.. especailly the jasons.

That jason bit will never not be the best stupidiest thing. Though the phantom of the crinkle tunnel comes close.

Pucky Year One

So with that fall has set in and the leaves are changing.. and have to be swatted away by a certain good boy to save the world. Goldie however asks not whyt hat's happening, she wants to know why PUCK took it up. So prepare for concentrated adorable as we see puck as a kitten.. and i'ts HEAVILY implied he shares the real pucks origin, having been left outside, got his leg infected and nearly died before a good samaratian rescued the poor puff. He's also the middle child, hence why Lupin's absent for these flashbacks. Though thankfully not Elvis.

Teen elvis and baby puck are the best thing. I hope we get to see Baby Lupin at some point. You know, complete the trifecta. IT's a nice tender arc that adds some unexpected WEight to Pucky's weird yearly quest and I love it. I mean it also has golden past elvis, so how would I not like that. Look at him lift his child son up. Such a good teenage dad.

We then IMMIDETLY loop into our last longterm arc for the year. The rest are, like most of the year shorter arcs, nothing wrong with them but it's clear after a four years packed dense with story, two and a half of them having to recap her entire career up to this point, and the rest mostly focusing on bringing in a new main character, that it was nice to just take a year to sit back, relax, unwind and do some more character focus stuff and fun slice of life shenanigans before doing another huge arc. And as such this last arc, while a touch bonkers, is more backstory. Like the Baba thing this next arc builds on a small thread from earlier, a throwaway line. Unlike the baba thing this was from quite a ways back, all the way back to the wicket saga.

The Incredibly Strange Bunnies Who Kept Living But Became Mixed-Up Zombies

So our story begins with Bea deciding to follow in her sort of mom's footsteps: inspired by Goldie's report on puck, she asks to get into investigative reporting and told it's mostly about finding someone intresting to interview, Bea decides to talk to her buddy natasha... and like I said this arc is mostly here to elaborate on something she said a WHILLLLEEEE back

So with that intriguging setup we begin our tale: Violet and Natasha started out as lab mice, born and bread in a lab and solving various mazes while slingshoting their mysterious pills out the cage because they were born here, but not born YESTERDAY. Thankfully their monotonus existiance is broken up when they meet someone who'll change their life.

Okay a few things. First is I didn't notice till the re-read how much of a love story this is. I'm not sure it was intentional, but the way Natasha and Alice interact here is so damn cute and so damn gay and as always i'm here for it. I never even picked up a snifter of a relationship between them but this whole origin story reconteculaizes the hell of it. It also explains why she pairs up with Violet: while their not related by blood, their as much sisters as Agnes and Alice.

It's also clear a natasha centric arc was coming at some point as out of all the robber mice she gets the most focus as the strip goes on. Agnes is a close second being their reporter, but if one of them's going to show up solo, it's most likely Natasha and given her snarky personality and fight anyone attitude it's easy to see why.

As for the zombunnies... i'm okay with this. It's bonkers sure but with ghosts and LEPRECHAUNS, it's somehow the most grounded of the three as "weird test animal shit" done to innocent animals isn't that farfetched. Making them green and lick stuff? Not really a huge stretch.

So our heroines have an out, they just need a plan before their cruel overlords notice they've been hiding the zombie pills. Thankfully the scientests testing the drug accidnetly give them a way: they bring up that the bunnies are REALLY strong.. so if they were to say, all be released at once, our heroes could easily break out. Thus the ball is in motion on the breakout of the century.

No real notes, it's just an excellently done action sequence. Love the blurry motion of the bunneis and doctors behind them in the fourth strip shown here in paticular. That had to take a LOT of work to pull off, with georgia likely having to draw the blurry pick then edit or outright draw the girls on top of it. So damn cool looking.

There is no straight explination for every shot of Natsha and Alice here and i'm perfectly happy with that. All in all a great arc and a fun genre break for the strip and i'ts nice to see the mice pull a break out. Gott alove those robber mice.. especially now I can keep their names straight.

So with that we get some shorter arcs to close us out. The heroes deal with Lupin's naked water cooler stalking.

One of my faviorite lines. Also accurate. I mean even for lupin this is messed up.

The girl are a squirrel for thanksgiving

Trees are inspected, Santa makes a return and I forgot the strip already confirmed he existed in this universe. Still not as weird as Leprechauns.

And we end the year and begin the next with one of my faviorite arcs. To make the cats healthier the woman replaces their kibble. Rage insues.

It's probably the funniest arc in the entire strip. I mean compettition is stiff but it's proof that while Georgia's biggest talents are character and worldbuildling.. she's no slouch at making great jokes out of everyday scenarios. Goldie and PUck as you can see steal the show with Puck swearing on air, and come on Elvis you already owe the Cat FCC for Lupin getting naked constantly, and Goldie at a level of salt we haven't seen before or since. Even LUPIN didn't make her tha tmad

And on that note that closes out 2021. Next time...