#THIS NARRATOR IS SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[aestherin]

KEEP MY HEART

epilogue: where's the trophy

NOTE: ending the year with the very last update for kmh 🙇‍♀️ thank you very much for being patient and waiting for more than a year!! i'm so thankful and grateful for all of you 💗 i hope everyone has a great year ahead ^^ - ri <3

Short of breath, Scaramouche's eyes paced back and forth, from one direction to another, rapid blinks in between.

The timer.

03:00

Then the scoreboard.

TNU UI 1 1

He clicked his tongue in annoyance.

He has very little time to seal the game. What's worse, it's the opponent's ball right now. They're at a disadvantage. If someone from the other team manages to score, it's all over.

They're going to lose. Even in his last game.

He could hear the roaring drums from the two cheering teams. He could hear the clashing cheers from both sides. He could hear the narrations of the game commentators.

Hell, he could even hear his own heart.

It was beating—no, it was ringing. Whether it was due to adrenaline, exhaustion, or anxiousness, he couldn't tell.

He took deep breaths. Get your head back in the game, stupid.

He was near the mid-field line, making his position decent. He was quite confident in his ability to make himself available for both options — he can aid in defense, if need be, or he can go for the offensive if the ball manages to get near the goal.

Everyone in the field, including himself, is already exhausted. Every single one of them is running on adrenaline alone.

01:37

"Fuck," he uttered once he noticed that TNU's ace and forward, Xiao, has already managed to position himself near the penalty area. "You better fucking stop him, Heizou."

As if Heizou heard his captain's orders from a distance, he dashed, speedily locking on to the teal-haired male. "No you don't."

"Calm down. I don't even have the ball yet," Xiao replied.

Heizou could not help laughing at how one of Xiao's teammates attempted to pass the ball to him moments after he just said that.

"'Yet?' It's not 'you don't have the ball yet'." He flashed a smile so warm yet so sinister. "You won't even be touching it."

01:01

Xiao moved, intending to receive the pass. Heizou did too. Xiao sped up, Heizou did too. Xiao blocked Heizou with one arm as he ran, the other did too.

"You're annoying."

"Well, thank you." Heizou grinned. "It's my job to annoy strikers, you see."

"You're doing a very good job."

"You're really flattering me here, you know. I'd blush if you weren't my opponent."

Despite a certain someone making it hard for him, Xiao had managed to make his way near the ball. 'Only a hair's breadth away,' he thought. 'I can reach it.'

A much more solid block from Heizou.

Then a heavy, foreign-sounding, decisive step.

In the blink of an eye, Xiao's clear view of the ball was replaced with a blinding scene — one that radiated of long, golden hair. The only thing that came between him and the goal that he was so close to scoring.

"I'll be taking this now, ace," Aether declared with a smirk. "I'm afraid our captain wasn't really blessed with patience."

Heizou beamed. "Nice save, Ae."

The blonde nodded in response.

00:39

Scaramouche, being aware of what had just transpired, positioned himself a little closer to the area where he knew it'd be possible to for him to score.

It was a little farther, yes. But he trusted in Aether and his ability to send him the ball, wherever he is.

00:32

"Scara!" Aether's yell pierced from across the stadium, followed by a resounding noise from the intensity of his kick. The crowd collectively gasped in awe; eyes locked onto the ball that is now spiraling from one side of the field to the other.

Scaramouche leaped into the air, flawlessly cushioning the ball with his torso. "Good fucking boy," Scaramouche whispered with a grin.

00:28

00:24

00:20

Scaramouche could not feel nor hear nor see anything else, except himself, the ball, and the goal. He was now on the left side of the penalty area. He swore he managed to pass by a man with teal braids who tried to block him earlier too, but everything was a blur.

All he knows is he has to get this one shot in.

00:18

And there he was, Scaramouche's last hurdle.

Looking as big of an annoyance as ever. The dependable captain of the other team. The notable and talented goalkeeper. His greatest obstacle.

Kaedehara Kazuha.

Your older brother.

00:14

Scaramouche stalled in order to pace himself. The man standing at the goal was a formidable foe, he could not rush his decisions.

Think. Think. Think.

00:13

Fuck.

Kunikuzushi, think!

00:12

God, please.

00:11

As if on cue, a certain blonde friend of his made his presence known, finally managing to catch up near his captain's position. "Here!"

00:10

Without hesitation, Scaramouche swiftly positioned himself and got ready to pass, alerting the other defenders, and even the goalie. Even Aether prepared himself to receive it.

00:09

Scaramouche hit the ball, causing it to roll in Aether's direction, who was at the right side of the penalty area.

00:08

The defenders flocked to where Aether was, ready to block the ball once it reaches them.

00:07

Kazuha shifted a little to the right, in anticipation for what Aether might do. Scaramouche caught it.

00:06

The raven-haired man took a deep breath, then forced his body to move lightly and quickly, barely managing to catch up to the ball that he kicked himself.

00:05

A light tap, and the ball stops.

00:04

Kazuha's eyes widen upon realization, scrambling to get to the opposite side of the goal. But it was too late.

Scaramouche, the one in the blue jersey #03, has already kicked the ball.

00:03

Please.

00:02

He gulped as he saw Kazuha's outstretched hands. 'Please don't reach it,' he mentally begged.

00:01

Please make it. My goal.

00:00

Scaramouche drew a breath as the sound of the ball hitting the net echoed throughout the silent field.

And for a second, he stood still.

The buzzer rang.

Cheers were chanted. Drums echoed, and crowds roared.

His teammates were running towards him.

But he was running to you.

KEEP MY HEART — scara x reader smau

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[corviiids]

customary sparknotes for chapter 10

nobody asked this time i just got shit to say. don't read this post unless you've read chapter 10 of my akechi palace au fic "as you like it" because it will make 0 sense forever. here we go

the code for this part took way longer than i want to admit for it being so simple because it just kept breaking in really stupid ways and then it didn't work on mobile. it's fine. it's fine now. tell me if it's broken. don't tell me

i had this dream sequence part drafted back when i posted chapter 9. the thing that took so long was the action sequence, which is ALWAYS the thing that takes so long. i finished my first draft of this chapter about a month ago sitting in a hotel bar, and i got it to where it is now a few days ago sitting in the same hotel bar, so, thanks to that hotel bar and its fantastic jalapeno cocktail and very patient staff for sponsoring this chapter. not sponsoring actually the cocktails are expensive i sponsored myself. anyway

end of dumb preamble? beginning of dumb amble

this first bit takes place in ren's mind as a dream sequence after he gets hit with the sleep effect, basically. parts of it are laid out in a sort of mockup of a stageplay script, although obviously this isn't how you'd write a real script haha. i wanted to play with, like... akechi's palace is a theatre, but he and ren have a lot in common. in his own way, ren is a performer, too.

the scenes with the phantom thieves are all in past tense, which is how the flashbacks in this fic have been written. the recurring motif is how the phantom thieves interact with ren, mostly via his glasses, generally along the theme of how they see him. i didn't really make this explicit, but in all of these scenes, none of the thieves look him directly in the eye.

in the game, ren usually has two or three dialogue options. his narration in this moments are the options he didn't choose. he always chooses the one which is the least direct and the most deflective, because in these moments he is feeling vulnerable and being honest is too overwhelming. by the way, "don't look at me like that" is text that appears in one of p5's menus:

which i just find interesting.

the scenes with akechi, by contrast, are told in present tense. they're also rife with unreality. the setting changes as though it's a dream, which of course it is. it's unclear whether these scenes are an amalgam of things that happened that ren is mixing and remembering oddly, or if he's conjured them.

ok let's look at the script scenes as well. they're basically all retellings of ren's run-in with shido.

the idea is that in tokyo, ren spends a lot of time lying in bed replaying those moments in his head, wondering how else it could have gone. no matter how many times he plays it out, no matter how he thinks about regretting what he did, walking away, making a different call,

he always makes the same choice.

do you ever think about how disproportionate that trumped up assault charge was? ren, frustrated and bitter, has to wonder - if he was just going to get pulled up on assault anyway, what difference would it have made if he'd actually just fucking done it? at least gotten to do the thing he got busted for. for catharsis, or whatever.

unlike the phantom thieves, akechi DOES look ren in the eye

he doesn't let ren get away with dodging his questions, and he repeatedly asks ren what he actually thinks

and with akechi, ren is able to say what he's really thinking.

ok now the rest of the amble

i love writing a fic which has akechi's name plastered all over it and then repeatedly going SURPRISE! this is about ren. it's about ren.

ren's been really struggling with this whole hero thing a lot. i think this battle is where it really comes to a head, because all the shit akechi was giving him in the last chapter about the ethics of stealing a heart is really getting to him. he's wondering whether he's really doing this for akechi or if it's for his own satisfaction, plus the burden of being the leader of the phantom thieves weighs heavier and heavier because if he's not doing this for akechi then that means he's doing it for himself, which means he can't play this as self-sacrificial or selfless, which means his team is putting themselves at risk for him. he's disoriented and he gets put out of commission for his trouble, which just puts his team further at risk while he spirals and tries to do right by everyone. it's a chance for the phantom thieves to step up and save him - as their friend, not their leader. i love the phantom thieves and their dorky power of friendship.

i also really liked coming up with cognitive joker. the idea of the VIP Box being inhabited solely by shido and joker was super fun to me. shido is gone from akechi's cognition, which begs the question of why the box still exists if it was allegedly only there to seat the VIP, the person at the centre of akechi's struggles - obviously it's because the distortion has grown far beyond shido, who is no longer the only person akechi performs for. joker isn't there as a guest. he broke in, and he's unkillable. by the way, his hair is based on the persona super live key art from 2019:

look at his swoopy hair. isn't he cute? i wanna squish his cheeks.

how about that awakening

okay, here's a fun fact about the fucking awakening. here's a FEW fun facts.

1. i came up with the idea of fusing robin hood and loki into a third persona before i had even published chapter 1 (way back in 2019), which means i had that idea long before persona 5 royal was ever announced.

when p5r's marketing started up and was like "we're gonna fuse everyone's first and second personae for a third persona!" i was like (throws a chair at the wall)

2. my first idea for the third persona, back at that point, was for akechi's third persona to be adraestia. she was a greek goddess who later became identified with nemesis/rhamnousia, the goddess of retribution for hubris.

then fire emblem three houses came out, and i realised adraestia was only going to call to mind the black eagles. lol. i was like ok, that's fine, it doesn't really matter, and if it bothers me a lot, i can switch to naming her rhamnousia or something.

then THIS YEAR, i decided to check whether nemesis/rhamnousia existed in smt lore as a shadow already. and as it turns OUT, i had forgotten a VERY KEY FACT ABOUT PERSONA 3.

SHE'S TAKEN. BY A DIFFERENT JUSTICE KID. so i had to change tacks again.

this really left me floundering for a second i gotta say. and then i remembered that last year, i'd written a scene in a fit of pure self-indulgence in which akechi starts telling ren all about the iliad. (this scene appears in chapter 8.) when i wrote that scene, i hadn't really been thinking that hard about how it was going to affect the plot. i just thought achilles and akechi had some interesting similarities, and also, i wanted to talk about the iliad, so i wrote the scene and figured i could cut it if it stuck out too much. anyway, i remembered that scene and was like, holy shit hang on, i have an entire thing already set up for a mythological figure who represents akechi's soul. and it actually works way better than rhamnousia, whose connection with akechi's struggle here is pretty surface-level in comparison. here's a line from my planning doc:

pretty cool how in royal he literally does have twin fates: short and blazing or long and unremarkable

so that's how akhilleus became akechi's third persona. wow! what a happy accident! i mean im a genius and it was all planned from the start obviously. it just goes to show that sometimes you go on a stupid little infodump and it ends up solving a plot problem you didn't foresee an entire year later. fixation works.

akhilleus himself is really cool to me. if i had a persona, achilles would be mine, so i hope akechi fucking appreciates that i've donated him to the goro akechi cause. idk if any artists are keen on doing character designs for personae but of the suite of art i daydream about commissioning for this fic, key art for akhilleus is definitely up there. the woman hovering behind him is his mother, obviously - and akechi's.

this other thing

i also just wanted to mention this

i usually don't outline or plan fics very well, as you can probably fucking tell from the above. im just really short sighted when it comes to outlines and i usually can't see more than a few chapters in advance except for either vague shapes or VERY SPECIFIC SCENES, so doing this kind of intricate planning is a real challenge for me.

the goho-m thing is such a small detail, but im really pleased with it just because it is one of the things i actually did very deliberately plan and set up in advance. it first appears in chapter 6 when ren and makoto go to the zoo - ren gives all his goho-ms to makoto as a show of trust, to demonstrate that he trusts her to get him and their friends home safely after they resolve his fear and resentment for her plan almost getting him killed. i did that to wrap makoto's arc, but it also served a very important plot purpose in chapter 8: ren is stranded in the courtyard with akechi's "shadow" self, and he has no easy way of getting out of the palace because he gave all of his goho-ms to queen. oh no, ren trusted his friends so much it's gonna get him killed. unless?

(this is a plot hole p5 the game just never bothers to fill or else they wouldn't get dramatic anime scenes of the phantom thieves sprinting out of the palaces as they explode and im at peace with that but i still think it's funny and also i wanted to fill the plot hole myself.)

so then it finally gets to come back in chapter 10, when ren finally falls from being their fearless heroic leader and gives his friends a chance to step up and save him for once. makoto still has the goho-ms, and when ren is occupied and out of commission, she steps up and saves them like he trusted her to do. guys! i planned something that spanned five whole chapters. wow! wow i did it.

LONG POST. VERy LONG POST. god. HEY this is it the palace is destroyed. there are still two chapters to go and a lot left to get through, but palace-wise this was the climax, which is why it took so god damn long because it's terrifying to write something so pivotal. but thank you so much for reading the fic! and this if you read it! i wrote this mostly for me again. but if you read it i love you.

[eyedrateanatomy]

dude dude DUDE I have a a really funny episode idea

you know that one amazing world of gumball episode where it shows the characters’s dreams? Imagine that but Spooky Month

obviously Eyes would be the narrator, but a funny idea I had is that Kevin has a lucid dream that somehow allows him to find Eyes so now they’re BOTH narrating.

also Ignacio’s dream would be about him beating the ever loving god out of cute tiny little versions of everyone else

TT and FT would impact each other’s dreams due to what they are doing in real time, it ends with TT’s actual body getting crushed by FT’s since they DEFINITELY have a bunkbed.

Lila is sleepwalking since she thinks Skid is out and about, probably walked out of her house with her ruler and is now accidentally beating people up

the only person who has a good dream is mayor and even then it’s like an acid trip

I NEEDED to share the is idea with you it was so funny in my head

HELP THIS IS SO FUNNY i love the idea of the Eyes narrating. it could be in Kevins dream and thats what causes him to hear it and they end up both narrating cause Kevin never gets a fucking break. guess hes watching all these dreams too

Lila is beating the crap out of everyone. yes. Jaune and Aaron have to wake her up. turns out Skid and Pump are actually out and about entering peoples dreams somehow and are currently annoying Kevin

Evermore's having a Great dream cause everyones dressed in rags being forced to clean his house and shine his shoes and make everything in his image. we see him tie a handkerchief around his neck before cutting away at a life-sized edible version of himself

Roy was having a good dream where he gets to do something stupid like. idk. mess up his parents bedroom. but of course Skid and Pump interrupt it and he wakes up screaming. his parents rush in and are like "ok no more video games past 10" and they walk back to their room to go back to sleep. Carmen dreams about being pampered by dozens of beefy men on a beach, and Richard is having another Star Trek dream

Frank has a dream where hes on a date with a wad of cash, Gregor has a Dantes Inferno type dream where hes hanging out with God and Jesus in heaven, Candy Dealer's dreaming about using Kevin like the ball of a paddle (Kevin narrating is like "what the fuck?? thats my boss??? WHAT IS HE DOING"), Jack is having a lucid dream where hes in the void sitting on the comfiest vibrating chair ever while trying desperately to hold a glass of milk, John isnt sleeping, Patty also isnt sleeping. shes with John. they both look like shit

Susie dreams about her and her demon OCs going on adventures and being edgy before Skid and Pump run in and Pumps like "awww why do you never let me see your cool characters Susie" nd Skid says "CAN YOU DRAW ME NEXT PLEASE I WANNA BE A DEMON" and Susie yells at them and pushes them off screen

Radford has a dream where hes. watching a movie. Skid and Pump sit down to watch some of it with him before getting distracted and running off, completely ignoring Radfords yapping. he eventually wakes up and yells at himself for forgetting the entire movie

Rick isnt dreaming about anything. hes just standing there. Skid and Pump run in but are like "uhhh wheres the dream?" and Rick just says "didnt feel like it."

[gumi-megpoidd]

[mamawasatesttube]

my ideal timkon don't get together until they've both already done some queer realizations and dated other guys a little bit, in part because on tim's end, i think he's been in love with kon since he was 17, but at 17 tim didn't even know he was bisexual, forget anything else. and his feelings for kon were so big but also so constant that he didn't even realize they were there or significant because they've always been there and been huge. for years. so he putters along and does his time in the torment nexus (the closet) and languishes a bit but slowly starts to figure it out.

meanwhile kon dates someone, mostly like omg im dating a guy this is ALLOWED !??!?! and its pretty lowkey and casual and doesnt last bc like . super identity issues, right. kon would Never just tell someone, but secrets and casual relationships dont last long etc etc. but just the entire principle of kon dating someone and then being like yeah idk im not really feeling it like hes nice and all but i think hes more interested in like… yknow, my hot bod, than me. its whatever tho. and tim just being SOOOOO mad that someone would date kon and not absolutely adore him. tim will not be unpacking why hes so mad about kon having a shitty boyfriend. obviously its just bc kons his bestie and deserves better. (😶)

so he's just grouchily tinkering on some upgrade for his car to get the grumpy energies out. like WHATEVER! (angrily turns socket wrench) he's not saying kon should dump the guy or anything (angrily turns socket wrench) but he's just SAYING, kon can do BETTER!!!!! (angrily turns socket wrench) and kon DESERVES better!!! kon deserves someone who will treat him RIGHT!!!!! (angrily turns socket wrench) like if TIM was gonna fuck kon he wouldn't do it like a goddamn quickie and just fucking leave (angrily grabs the next size socket and scoots further under the car) like kon OBVIOUSLY doesn't like that so why won't this guy GET THAT!!!! (angry tinkering noises) if he's that shallow he can go find himself a sexy body pillow to screw!!! leave kon alone!!!!

and cassie sitting on a chair nearby is just like. sorry what was that? "if i was gonna fuck kon"? did you just say--hey tim? hey. can you go back a step?

and tim's just. obviously this is a hypothetical everyone considers about kon. look at him he's . you know. besides, tim's just talking as his best friend who wants the best for him! ugh stop trying to read into it cassie, that's not the POINT--

[a-scary-lack-of-common-sense]

When the girls are mean and the insides are out?

Mean Girls × Inside Out crossover where disgust is Regina's main emotion and everyone else is just her lackeys in an unhealthy boss & employee sorta relationship 👌

[appldino]

stanley messing w/the vending machine to try and unlock a new ending

This took a while, enjoy

[spotsupstuff]

Gold is often connected to divinity in rl religions. In Buddhism, it indeed symbolizes enlightenment and such, and it is often kept pure in order to not ruin its brilliance. In Tibetan Buddhism, statues are gilded with it and the 5 tonne Golden Buddha statue in Thailand is composed of 18 karat gold, almost fully pure.

Within this world, I like to think that gold has caught the eye of the Anemons in a religious sense upon the (,,re/")discovery of the Void Sea. The golden waves of it shaped the perception of their world, from explaining the sun as coated in a layer of Void, to giving an idea of what "cleanliness of soul" should look like. Wheel Flowers are also attributed to the Void as sprouts of it, because of their ethereal gold coloration.

The feeling of the divine has however faded when the motivations behind handling of the Void went terribly south, replaced by the extremist corruption and greed of High castes.

In other words, I wanted an excuse to draw Euros as a šarkan/змей.

[lilac-loserr]

I think the reason lwj is so quiet around wwx is because he goes completely fucking stupid when wwx is around. Like full on no thoughts head empty (except for gay thoughts). He can’t open his mouth because he cannot predict what kind of garbled disaster of syllables will spill out if he does. Everything he says in canon has been rehearsed in his head and whispered under his breath fifteen times at minimum before he can even dare to try to say it, lest he accidentally looks into wei ying’s eyes at the wrong moment, causing him to forget everything he was just about to say and also how to walk in a straight line.

Just. Give me stupid lwj.

[employee052]

[REMEMBERING]

"And Stanley really did make for a wonderful companion..."

a redraw of this:

[lexumpysfunland]

what would insaine narrator think of the swap variant of him?

I believe this one was addressed to him before I actually made a real Swap (so Walter swapping with Stanley). But since I'm not sure, you'll have Og Walter thoughts on the actual swap and the insane variant.

[oicuperp]

coquette narrator doodles ... i love you ms paint 1px pencil ...

[bucketfullofstrawberries]

..WELL! Everybody ELSE seems to be doing it,

...and there ARE a lot of Narrator (& Stanley) designs I've been meaning to try and, at the very least, DOODLE,,,;

SO--!!

SEND IN YOUR NARRATORS, STANLEYS, CURATORS, TIMEKEEPERS & WHATEVER WONDERFUL DESIGNS YOU MAY HAVE IN YOUR POSSESSION, BOYS (/GN) & I'LL DO MY UPMOST VERY BESTEST BEST TO DRAW AND/OR DOODLE THEM!!!!

Though I will apologize for if getting all of them done and dusted takes longer than expected. But I'm WILLING to TRY!!

GO CRAZY!!!

[mikothemushroom]

I realized I never posted my narry design here so have the goober

[tiddygame]

i’ve stared at this for so long that i now hate it and think ive lost all concept of how to write so take this and get it out of my google docs

the introduction is rough and the medical depictions (and accuracy/realism) could use some (a lot of) work but whatever! here it is, my vague yet still oddly specific idea of how the face reveal would go in @myriadblvck ’s streamer au:

tw: description of a panic attack? i think?

[this takes place post first irl meet but before they’re officially together]

imagine ghost has a glasgow smile but on one side they carved a little too deep and left some nerve damage. time and surgery helped, after which he could eat unimpeded and talk without a lisp, but there's still some facial nerve damage and/or skin contractures from scarring, specifically around the corner of his mouth.

now, everytime he smiles, be it shit eating grin or a full genuine joy filled smile that not even grumpy mcgrumperson could hold off, it always looks wrong because one corner doesn't raise fully like the other.

everything else is fine, there isn’t any facial paralysis, he just smiles… wrong. especially since only one eye properly squints when he smiles, giving him the look of someone who got stuck mid wink.

if he wants to look “normal” (or as normal as he could get it) he has to manually squint his other eye. still, it always felt weird; you don't realize how much those muscles affect the rest of your face until they're gone.

it's why he learned to always wear the mask.

when his expression is neutral, you don’t really notice it. if you can see his mouth when he talks however, it’s obvious that there’s something wrong. he wouldn’t say he’s necessarily ashamed of the scars and damage itself, but it’s the stares that are the worst. before he started hiding behind it, people would openly gawk or even glare at him as if he was some ne’er-do-well gang member that got what was coming to him.

he still remembers the cosmetic surgeon that had been talking to him about fixing the contractures— the whole appointment was a fucking nightmare. the cuts had healed nicely enough especially considering how bad it could have been; he was lucky to only need a little cosmetic help. the only reason he was there was so he could fucking eat food without struggling to open his mouth.

the doctor spent god knows how long breaking down everything wrong with his face like he was a fucking car mechanic lying about how dirty your filter is. the guy constantly mentioned that while he was under, they could also fix his jawline, do a rhinoplasty, trying to break him down to agree to more work.

he was already fuming my the time the doc brought up how kids would react. asking ghost if he wanted to scare children since “you cant expect the little youngins that are still learning about the world to not get scared by something scary,” and that “even some adults would cringe at the scarring.”

what stuck out most was the condescending smile he had when he said it. as if he was pointing out the obvious and ghost was being stupid and shortsighted by not agreeing.

he declined everything except what was medically necessary. the procedure went fine and after an aggravatingly long recovery period, he could eat solid foods again without issue. but the comments still stuck with him.

…okay, maybe he’s a little ashamed.

scaring kids with your face doesn’t feel good and being reminded of everything you’ve lost when you try to smile can really fuck you up in a way words fail to describe.

so yeah, he hates it. he’s gotten used to the mask, both skull clad balaclava and simple medical mask, being a permanent layer of armor. even now that he’s a bit more comfortable in his own skin it still feels wrong to pull it off.

when he gets close to soap, it still feels like a layer of vulnerability that he’ll never be prepared for.

the first time he let soap see his face, there hadn’t been any grandiose build up, no extravagant planning.

simon had arrived just a few hours earlier. he hated commercial flights with a burning passion but it was always worth it to see johnny.

with soaps twin out of town for the week, he had decided to take leave to spend time with his friend, a friend that he most certainly did NOT have a crush on (a disclaimer roach and gaz heard everytime they started snickering over ghost taking leave.)

johnny had cooked something nice and simple for dinner, saying that simon had spent too long with MREs and deserved real food (ghost only agreed if he was the one washing the dishes, soap had laughed and told him he's not so kind as to let him off the hook for chores).

when they ate, it was always in the living room with johnny taking care to always stay angled away from simon, never trying to catch a glimpse, regardless of how much he wanted to see what was under the mask. the obvious gesture of kindness and respect for his boundaries always left him feeling all weird and fuzzy inside. but, then again, johnny seemed pretty good at triggering that feeling in general.

their finished plates were on the coffee table and johnny was watching whatever dumb movie he had put on. he was pretty sure the man spent more time talking over it and making fun of everything than he did actually watching it (it was simon’s favorite way to watch a movie.)

ghost however, was watching soap. thinking.

in the end, it was an impulsive decision made after a strong three seconds of consideration.

“you uhm— you can look by the way,” ghost stared at the can of soda in his hands, immediately regretting the words.

“what?” soap didn’t fully turn, just shifted slightly to hear him better. a simple gesture to show he was listening without turning to face him. it normally made simon happy to see that johnny was more than willing to accommodate for his boundaries. now though it made him feel stupid for robbing johnny of a normal face to face conversation, a normal human interaction, just over his idiotic insecurities.

“my face, you—,” he felt his heart block his airway and tried clearing his throat before continuing, “you can look if you want,” christ he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. why was he getting so fucked up over this?

“are you sure?” he hadn’t turned yet, but ghost could see his pensive expression from here. this should be nothing. realistically, he knew johnny seeing his scars wouldn’t suddenly make him hate him… right?

“yes.”

but it was more than the fear of hatred, wasn’t it? he was scared that johnny would see him. see more than just the scars, see all of the ugly idiosyncrasies and insecurities laid bare. afraid that johnny would see the truth of how unlovable he was.

jesus he was getting so fucking worked up and dramatic over nothing.

ghost didn’t look up. he made an effort to not focus on his peripheral vision. he heard soap turn, heard the intake of breath. the silence was loud only for a second. then, deafening white noise surrounded him, inescapable, suffocating.

fuck.

he didn’t regret giving permission but god did he regret everything else; the stupid scars, the stupid nerve damage, the stupid way he had managed to fall for someone so fucking good like johnny while he was unequivocally unworthy of his love.

stop being so fucking dramatic. you are not together, never have been and never will be. reality was blatant in front of him but it didn’t stop his heart from foolishly hoping.

he heard soap stand and walk closer. saw from where he was still staring a hole in the can his feet step in front of his. saw johnny’s hands raise. he took a deep breath in, closed his eyes, and with a great deal of effort didn’t flinch when soaps fingers grazed his cheek.

both of his hands came up to cup his face, holding him and ever so slightly tilting his face up, giving him the chance to pull away. he didn’t. he may be a coward but he wasn’t backing down.

ghost eventually opened his eyes to see soap staring at him with wide eyes. he looked away, staring off to some point on the right. he hated not knowing what soap was thinking.

they stayed there for a while before soap broke the silence, muttering, “i fuckin knew you had freckles.”

it was stupid but it shocked a laugh out of ghost. he meant to drop his head, embarrassed that something so dumb made him laugh, but accidentally just pushed himself further into soaps hands making him blush.

he looked up and saw soap staring even harder than before. the chuckle died in his chest.

“do that again.”

ghost just gave him a confused look.

“smile.”

such a simple request, a one word sentence, but it set his face ablaze. his breath caught in his throat, somewhere around where his heart was still trying to choke him.

…he hadn’t thought it was that bad but soaps reaction indicated otherwise. fuck. was his it that awful? he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. this was stupid. he was stupid.

“simon,” of course, one word from johnny and it felt like he could breathe again.

“please?”

fucking goddamn soap and his stupid fucking puppy dog eyes and the way he has ghost wrapped around his fucking finger without even realizing.

ghost smiled. there was no real mirth, more a grimace than anything else. he just wanted to get this over with.

soap was still staring at him, his thumbs tracing his lips, following scars, drawing imaginary lines between freckles… if he wasn't so terrified it might have felt nice.

“Christ,” ghosts heart cracked more, “you weren't lying when you said you were beautiful.”

ghost huffed a laugh and went back to staring off to the right, the fake smile dropping. of course soap would try to lighten the mood with a joke.

his panic fled as quickly as it had consumed him, now just left sitting in soap's living room, face still cradled in caring hands, resigned to his mistakes.

he felt so tired and johnny's hands felt so inviting.

“i wasn't joking,” soap looked…upset? angry? wait— fuck, what’d he do?

ghost stared back at soap, confused and tired. soaps nails felt the grooves of the scar, catching where the skin was raised and lowered.

“you don't have to lie, soap. im a grown man. I'm not fragile. you don't need to coddle me,” ghost said it like it was a joke, hoping soap would laugh along and that this would all just blow over. that tomorrow morning they could forget this ever happened.

“are you calling me a liar?” soap’s brow furrowed. great. instead, he had managed to make everything worse and piss off soap as well.

ghost took in a deep breath, giving himself another shot at calming things down, “no, I'm not. I think you're lying, but you're not a liar,” he stood and stepped to the side, grabbing their dirty plates and walking them to the kitchen sink, “you just don't want to upset me, it's fine. I get it. you're a nice person but you don't have to lie to spare my feelings.”

“I am not fucking lying!” as per usual, all ghost had managed to do was make things worse. there’s a reason he had decided to stick to the battlefield and give up on domesticity.

“well alright then. agree to disagree,” he turned the kitchen tap and started rinsing the dishes, waiting for the water to heat up. just walk away. end it there. let us forget about this stupid blunder and move on. please just leave it. please, please, please—

“no.”

the force behind it damn near made ghost drop the plate he was holding. he managed to set it in the sink carefully and turned to face soap, who was now in the kitchen as well.

“i— I'm not just gonna fucking— simon,” soap took in a deeper breath and went to continue but ghost was faster.

“johnny,” he interrupted, walking forward with his hands up in a gesture of surrender, approaching slowly.

one last chance to not fuck everything up.

“the fact is they're called deformities for a reason. they're not cute. they're not pretty. they're your body’s way of healing what it can and protecting what it can't. it's not meant to look nice, it's just—”

“bullshit they’re not pretty! says fucking who?” the genuine distress in soap’s voice and force behind his words caught him off guard. “simon—”

he huffed and ran his fingers through his hair roughly, pulling slightly at the strands. christ, ghost needs to shut the fuck up. every single time he speaks he just upsets soap more and more.

he needs to retake his hostage negotiations courses. clearly he has forgotten everything about how to diffuse a situation.

johnny takes another second to breathe and collect his thoughts before he speaks.

“simon. I know that— that ‘this’ isn't something that's going to fix itself overnight and I don't expect it to. but, ‘the fact is,’ I think you're pretty.”

ghost opens his mouth to disagree but johnny doesn’t let him.

“no no,” johnny put his hand over simon’s mouth, shocking him into silence. he blinks twice, stupefied.

“i think— no. I know you're pretty. cute even. beautiful is a given but obviously worth mentioning.”

his hand moved to cup simon’s cheek. ghost grabbed his wrist but didn’t stop him, wether it was a warning or encouragement he himself didn’t know.

johnny continued, unperturbed, “you disagreeing doesn't change that, right?”

there was a pause and simon realized he wanted an answer.

“johnny-”

“ah ah!” his hand moved back to cover his mouth, grabbing his face and shaking his head back and forth, over accentuating his words, “you disagreeing doesn't change that, right? yes or no.”

he stopped shaking him and moved his hand back to simon’s cheek. simon sighed, defeated, “yes. you are right.”

johnny looked smug, “good. and what do you say when i give you a compliment you don’t agree with?”

simon sputtered, “wha— i don't fucking know—”

“nothing! you don’t say anything!” soap looked way too proud of himself and he continued, “or thank you if you feel so inclined.”

“that was a trick question,” simon replied eventually.

johnny thumbed over his scars once more, again tracing them, “sure it was. now go take a shower.”

he patted his cheek twice and walked to the hallway.

“wait,” johnny probably shook the few remaining brain cells out of his head. “this whole conversation ends with you telling me that I stink?”

“yes. rancid,” johnny opened the door to the linen closet. simon was still in the kitchen. the tap was still running.

“no dipshit, do you not remember telling me that commercial planes makes you feel gross?” johnny threw a towel at him, which he caught just in time for johnny to hit him with a bath rag.

ghost had mentioned that… ages ago, he thinks. on facetime with each other, discussing the merits of bathrooms on public transport. he had said that enclosed, crowded spaces like commercial planes or buses made him feel, well, gross. how—or why—did he remember that?

“but… I’m supposed to wash the dishes?” a weak argument against the stubbornness he was faced with but simon had officially lost track of his mind and this conversation.

johnny shot him a weird look as he walked back towards the kitchen sink. simon still hadn’t moved.

“did you think i was being serious earlier?”

“yes???” he felt like he had been given a lobotomy.

johnny decided to take pity on him and explained in a soft voice that felt out of place, “i was being sarcastic. i’m not going to make you wash the dishes, simon.”

“but that was the agreement: you cook and i wash the dishes.”

johnny laughed as if he remembered something funny, “yeah, i lied.”

simon still stood there, trying to figure out if he had a stroke. johnny had been angry, completely pissed at him, but now was letting him off the hook and calling him pretty? what the fuck is happening?

johnny turned him and pushed him towards the hallway. simon could have resisted but his resolve always seems to crumble around johnny mactavish.

“now go shower, you beautiful bastard,” soap grabbed one of the plates out of the sink and started washing it with water that had probably heated ages ago.

ghost walked towards the bathroom, feeling like he was on autopilot, limbs disconnected from his brain. his cheek still felt… odd? weird? tingly?

it felt something from where johnny had grabbed it. ghost thinks… he thinks he likes the feeling, whatever it is.

he needs to sleep.

[greensapphic]

Stanley be careful, If you drop him he’ll cry