#THIS IS THE CYCLE OF ABUSE AND BEING A BETTER PERSON SHOW. THERES GONNA BE SOME PERPETUATION AND BEING WORSE.

[soullessjack]

being a jackgirl is terrible enough but being a jackgirl who understands dean is a burden I would wish on everyone so we’d stop having the same seven-year-old discourse about whether or not dean is really jack’s dad

[the-sinking-feeling-starts]

these fucken people tell me how much they care for me and how much they want to be here with me

and it all gets snatched in the flip of a switch

my tragedy is made for art

my life has no privacy

i have no one to physically talk to

i crave intimacy

i crave peace

i crave freedom

but in the end of the day i am still alone in these four walls suffocating and being exploited and having my words i write, spread to people who dont deserve to hear my thoughts

i am so fucken tired of living like this

people and their war crimes and their hatred and their control and their emotional manipulation and their god complexes

all my lines get crossed all my green lights turn into blue lights and red lights

i fall in reverse into the past and skip ahead to the future to find a new one

everyone loves to talk their talk, state their case, and share their opinion. buts its all a facade

the tv censors me alone in my bedroom

sir, you can't flip off the camera. stick to the script now! cmon dude!

the comments all perfectly made "we love you! great voice! great setlist! great episode! but could you possibly try to be less agressive with your tone???? the audience isnt really vibin to it? your borderline personality disorder is showing. im not a psychiatrist but that's the general public's opinion.

these fuckers have the balls to talk their shit and control my life and what i do or say or what devices i use to escape this cruel world but dont dare to look me in the eye, or give me compassion

they run the great pretender play and bring up my history and how i watched my mother die on Valentine's day.

theres no remorse, they have no shame, they have no care for me or my heart or what they have been doing to me for months.

are you there? are you watching me? are you singing with me? are you crying with me?

they steal everything from me, they dont go away, they linger in the shadows. they only think about me on the tv. they follow me from town to town.

its all so fucked up and i am living an absolute nightmare for months now. hell, even years it seems; looking back at it

we have been six feet under, the blues, the yellows, the call me backs, the bow before your gods, the feedback, the treason. all in the sake of my heart.

we have been going thru the cycles for months now; been told its gonna get better; but it just worsens day by day. the crimes increase day by day; the liars increase day by day.

so yeah, i will blog about that, i will bet the lucky numbers on the bingo, i will give two fingers to the skynet

you can infiltrate my systems, preform your power tactics, give your love out and then take it back right away, you can talk your talk, but you cant change who i am or what i believe in.

i wont let the headlines get any of my time.

this cant keep up. and i wont allow my soul to keep up with this. i have stated my case numerous times. its my way. if you truly truly care for me. it is time for you to make a move and see me face to face. this digital life and analyzing every move is tearing me apart. I have put my life on the line for so long for these men and they are too "shy" and "insecure" and "busy"

i don't want to have to keep secrets, i dont want to have to play a character, i dont want to have to deal with narcissistic abuse anymore. after everything i have been through that i have not deserved, i need someone. i need a hug, i need to be able to sit down in public with someone and feel like im not just being misguided or forshadowed for the sake of the play.

im so sick of the experiments and the tests and the crossing of lines and the your right their wrong no im right no your wrong, no your opinion is sus, no your opinion is manipulative. its fucken exhausting and mind numbing having to always second guess yourself or question who you are talking to or thinking about when it can all be switched in the algorithm in seconds.

no matter what you do, what you say, how hard you try, there is always going to be opposition and criticism. you are damned if you do and damned if you dont. life is too short to deal with this fuckery. i have lost way to many people close to me to have to grieve in isolation like this and be a human punching bag for whoever has the m i c at the time. the mics will drop, the birds will chirp.. time will heal all wounds and the cycle will repeat. on and onn and on and onn and on and onnn

im not your robot, im just me

and you can fuck off! hope the feedback is seen and herd and the glitch will be fixed. thats not love. thats trauma and abuse.

thats what i think about valentines day 2023.

shame, shameful

sincerely from my broken heart,

Tyler Pierce

12:51 a.m. 02/15/23

[glassamphibians]

what's your giant bucket list for the potential nico book? like plot, backstories, tropes, all that good stuff. also becky riordan said that people have to read house of hades if "rick does a nico book in the future"

this is kind of all over the place and very long so uhh sorry in advance

omg yeah wait ur right becky did say the house of hades thing. it scares me bc i don’t know if she was just being like “you find out nico’s gay in this one and that bob still exists so uhh thats important i guess now buy my husband’s book 🔪🔪” and it doesn’t actually mean anything, or if it means something huge like “remember eros? yeah nico kills him in the solo book >:)” she could have meant anything im and terrified.

what i do know is that i want both nico and will narrating in first person pov. i’ve talked about why i want both of them here. normally i dislike first person pov’s in books but riordan is a weird anomaly where his first person narration is actually better than his third person narration? like, if you pulled random pieces of text from percy, apollo, and carter’s povs, i would be able to tell who was narrating bc they all have very distinct voices. in heroes of olympus the only pov that felt distinct was leo and thats one out of nine characters :/ nico and will both have really interesting personalities and i want to have that come through in the narration.

for the plot all i know is that i dont want it to be going to tartarus to save bob, thats too straightforward and honestly its kind of a cheap move. i think the whole bob thing should just be the hook and then as the story progresses we realize its something else entirely.

maybe its someone else trying to get rid of nico bc they view him as a threat, maybe its related to the pantheon meeting chiron was at, idk!! but theres a lot going on and i think this is bigger than bob

like, remember when luke gave percy the cursed shoes? i think it could be like that. imagine them getting so close, being just about to dive into tartarus, and then realizing they were tricked and that something bigger is happening. then the real plot picks up.

bc on a more thematic level what i really want this book to be about is a continuation of toa’s “breaking abusive cycles” theme. it should be about nico putting his past behind him instead of falling back into it.

then once the real plot starts i think it should be formatted like the pjo quests!! a big fun cross country road trip where you get almost killed, make some friends, make some enemies, and all in all have a horrible great time!!

im gonna trash on heroes of olympus one more time im so sorry. Son of Neptune is the strongest book in that series and what does it have? the cross country quest format!! once we expanded into moa and they were just on a fancy boat for the rest of the series it stopped being fun. literally like look at blood of olympus. no one cares about what the fancy boat people did in that book. what we did care about was the three person quest where they had no clue what was going on and had to make hedge do interpretive dance so that they could pay for breakfast.

so yeah i think for it both to be a strong stand alone as well as fit into the rest of the rrverse it needs to have that “some goddess just showed up and told us to go to kentucky but did not tell us how to get to kentucky. will won’t let me shadow travel so now we’re on a bus. the stranger sitting next to me fell asleep on my shoulder and i dont want to be rude and move them. why does god hate me.” kinda vibe.

the cross country think is also great bc that mean’s we’d get to see all our old friends!! maybe they stop at the waystation and see reyna & the hunt!! maybe they end up in texas and see will’s mom!! maybe they end up in california see hazel & everyone else over there!! maybe they go to paris and visit rachel!!!

the trogs must be involved. idk how but they must play a major role. maybe screech-bling is the third person in their quest and they can wear hats the whole time.

i really, really want will to finally get cannon complexity. he has a such strong foundation as a character and i’m still upset we didn’t get much real depth added to it during tower of nero. i feel like each book Rick gives us ten Will related puzzle pieces and leaves us to make the rest of them ourselves?? just make the whole puzzle rick it is literally your job.

the idea of Will, someone who has been a background character for 15 books suddenly being pushed into the protagonist position is such an interesting concept that i would love to see explored in the solo book. i think that contrast him and nico, who has been a Big Deal since before will was even born, would be really fun to read.

also i want him to snap. stop being composed will go apeshit!!! throw a scalpel at someone with your amazing apollo aim!! have plague powers and kill some people!! no one is gonna tell on you Will we all want this

going back to nico, he has no idea who he is rn. i mean seriously he’s never had a home like this, he’s never had people who care about him like this, he’s never been safe. remember what percy said in house of hades?

percy’s talking about how he personally doesn’t know nico, but i think it could be applied to this situation too. he’s changed so much in the past like 15 books and i want to see nico figuring out who he is now that his life isn’t being dominated by pain and sadness. i want to see who nico becomes now that he’s finally able to take up hobbies and just be a teenager!! he know’s who he is as a son of hades, as one of the most powerful demigods alive, but he still has to figure out who he is as a person.

so maybe we get to see what cabin 13 looks like now that he’s changed it!! maybe we get to see what his favorite modern movies & musicians are!! maybe we get to see jules albert finally driving nico and his friends to the mall like hades had intended :)

the should summon jason’s ghost at least once

hades should also properly apologize for threatening to kill him that one time lol

i want hazel, reyna, and rachel to play a major role and if i they don’t i’ll steal riordan’s dog.

is this too long? it feels like its too long even tho i have no clue what i said uhh anyway i hope you had fun reading this love you all xoxo

[mingmingfufu]

Can we just talk about the ending of KawoShin open discuss. *sort of spoilerish*

I feel like I’m the only one who’s like reallly disappointed LMFAO--ya’ll there’s so much “canon” alternative universe and merchandise for Kawoshin in Evangelion that it kind of makes me upset to realise this couple just went down the drain. Yeah, I can see how people were like, “Kaworu’s toxic” or “Kaworu has a hero complex for Shinji” to which I say are valid points. But the toxic thing I feel like can also be applied to pretty much everyone around Shinji tbh, except for Rei. I did NOT, like Asuka at all but I really love her character though, and I felt for her a lot throughout the series.

I did not ship them either because honestly, Shinji and Asuka seemed better off playing the sibling dynamic instead of trying to play bf/gf which honestly is kind of forced by their living situation. Also since they’re in a similar disposition non existent father and dead mother, you’d imagine they would rely on each other for emotional comfort. Though Asuka—her personality I feel like she can’t differentiate between familial love and romantic love and the affection she wants is a bit of both. But, her character tries to be “mature”; she wants romantic love more and does this through sexual means and romantic gestures e.g. like kissing. One of my friends told me that you can’t stay friends as a boy and a girl cause eventually you catch feelings. Which I say is kinda dumb cause I have a lot of male friends, and I definitely don’t harbour those feelings, but I guess it’s a common phenomena.

I think this is what happens in this case, of Asuka and Shinji. Even after rejection of instrumentality they actually are depicted as childhood friends. But knowing how they both were before to each other, it was not good tbh. Also to mention the choking like thrice— bro if anything, this showcases a really abusive relationship and I think this outstretches the idea of their character tropes. Which I firmly stand by saying they’re superficial to each other. AsuShin were never really there for each other and are using each other in a forced situation. However, you can’t deny that they didn’t at some point catch feels, also Shinji is pretty consistent how he still cares about everyone around him. Which I really like how they add that to his character because it reminiscent of Yui, because you see a duality of both his parents personality in Shinji throughout the series—it’s a really nice touch. But bruh, if we gonna talk about that coma scene—I’m out LOL.

Thoughhhh, she is a true definition of best girl I really like her arc, fighting drive, and her skills as an Eva pilot 😭💗--but bruh she’s still a toxic and sometimes annoying tsundere trope, but still she’s 14 what can you do. So I feel like Kensuke and Asuka are actually a pretty good combo, cause he’s always been pretty mature even without parents. Also Asuka was into older guys, so I guess this is a win win?? Also Rei and Shinji, I honestly cannot get my head around it cause that’s pretty much his mom—so in a way that’s like either his half-sister or mom-ish clone?? Idk but Yui is definitely the donor LOL.

Kaworu and Shinji I felt like brought a bunch of things out of each other. I don’t know which timeline begins first, but I’d like to think the manga, the anime (plus its movies), and then to the rebuild series. Because I think that order is kind of pivotal to observing Kaworu’s character development from being a person who’s trying to understand human feelings to then the kinder person we see in the final series. You can tell how he’s changed and he knows Shinji a lot more as well as being considerate to him e.g. giving him personal space or letting him work at his own pace. Also that “we’ll meet again.” Is an obvious nod to how he’s done this before.

His literal story in every timeline is always romantic LOL, like bruh I can’t remember which game it was but basically a bad ending of Kawoshin route is that you reject Kaworu and he starts the third impact 🤡. Also I don’t know why but I started to see a weird dynamic between those two, in the manga their interactions reminded me of Asuka and Shinji—which Shinji is the tsundere Asuka here. I don’t know if this is relevant but the older character relative to the character they’re with seems to play off a mature vs a childish person trope. Asuka is younger than Shinji and Shinji is actually younger than Kaworu. Then again I could be overseeing this but istg manga Kaworu and Shinji mirror the whole Asushin dynamic. Like he’s seriously agressive against Kaworu, then after killing him he admits liking him. 🤡 I don’t know which is funnier no homo Shinji, homophobe shinji, or just closet Shinji who needs to realise sexuality is a spectrum so he could’ve idk—come out as bisexual, but whatever manga Shinji lol that timeline is over.

Anyways the development of these two is real and I think the rebuild timeline shows them at their best bringing their own personage out from each other like how they both enjoy music together--WHICH I’M SO SAD WE NEVER GET TO SEE THAT CELLO AGAIN. Then there’s those feelings of humanity, love, kindness, etc. Which yeah an angel could represent those things, but Kaworu is still his own person, self-aware of a cycle and if you think about how he initially was there to USE Shinji, but ultimately turned on that plan set by SEELE because he loved Shinji (and a bunch of other things like him showing Kaworu humanity). I also can see the argument, how “ideal” Kaworu is to Shinji, but he’s more self aware of the time he has before he KNOWS he’ll die and knows how to act for himself in that duration to make the most of it. All with Shinji. At some point, I think he fell in love with Shinji tho I don’t know where it began tbh—considering that all those alternate universes do exist. Kaworu does romantically love Shinji--so, in some universe they both reciprocate their feelings to each other. 

In the last movie during that convo with Shinji. Like bREH it’s so emotionally moving because Kaworu remembers ALLLLL the timelines and how he’s been with Shinji and later Shinji himself recalls the events too. Where they show the scene from the manga and anime. Kaworu cries after being set free from the EVA cycle. Which, I definitely understood what he meant by him saying “it’ll be lonely” and how Shinji changed or that he’s actually different this time.

Either way, Shinji did right by him because it’s always Kaworu who has the purpose of “trying to save Shinji” but it always ends up the same. I thought that was really moving because Shinji tells Kaworu he’s gonna let him live a life for himself for once and he wants the same for everyone as well. Which was honestly so meaningful cause I think Kaworu’s character and like Rei too when they start to realise how to “live” like a person and not another puppet it’s truly liberating. Another thing I forgot, bruh Kaworu calls Gendo his father and ngl I feel like this is kind of a weird lore situation because I for sure don’t think he’s the donor. I think he calls him that as an insult because he knows Gendo’s whole doing and relative to Shinji—I kind of see it as a joke LOL. Like it’s equivalent to saying, “daddy chill”, or “hey look it’s daddy and his plans to end the world” also I kind of like to think of it as a father in law thing cause you know, Kawoshin *winks amirite*

The ending, I’m honestly hoping is just an open ending because it gives everything an actual start of their adult lives not being dictated by extraterrestrial forces. Though, I’m kind of wondering if the world doesn’t have EVAs does that still mean everyone else still has the same backstory, and do they remember? Maybe Mari really is just a coworker lmfao, and there’s still a chance for Kaworu and Shinji cause ngl, they did have a convo (presumably from the spoilers) about still remaining close afterwards and that stare at the ending seems very hopeful.

I call bs from Anno saying, “oh Shinji is based off him and Mari off of his wife”, like honestly any OCs made theres always some part of yourself made into that character. Which is probably why a lot of people relate to the characters in EVA because they’re based off real things (e.g. those war machines characters are named after and people around them). I think why Kaworu and Rei are together at the end, is bc they’re very much the same. They’re mass produced dolls—which oddly enough that’s the case for all the children except they don’t recall the loop. Kind of funny also how both Kaworu and Rei became farmers lmfao so ig it runs in the family (yes that’s right I like the idea that they’re siblings it was always noted that they’re like “the same”).

Another thing, i think why the rebuild really did well for Kawoshin and in my opinion canonised it—the convo with elder Ryoji Kaji (Misato’s baby daddy) that there was a time he felt incredibly lonely and depressed thinking Misato didn’t love him and so he started looking out for himself. So self love and found himself a hobby in farming which he suggests to Kaworu—basically saying he might feel like Shinji doesn’t love him but he’s gotta remember to take care of himself. if I go thru a breakup ill feel like it’s the end of the world but Kaji says y’a gotta self love broe and take care yo self gad dam fam 😭 💗.

Though, that look at the end from Shinji to Kaworu—I’d like to believe there is still hope that one day when they’re a bit stable in their adult lives, they’ll run into each other.

[bloomvroom]

vent poetry

anger issue stuff/vindictive fantasies due to cptsd regarding abuser

trigger warning for violence & gore I guess _ Youve been hanging around for a while now, its been some years since you raped me Its been some years since you begged me not to leave you since you asked me “Do you really want to throw all we are away over this?” right in the same day that you raped me

And I hoped id never see your face again after I cut you out of my life and I tried to heal but you wouldnt leave me alone Dragged you inside my mind to school cuz you stalked me outside my house always in presence, moved on my fucking street and you dont like letting go of me And you tore into my family, but yknow they already hated me cuz they didnt wanna believe my dad sexually abused me they already desperately wanted to call me a liar for sure, all to keep their blissfull facade of things being all fine, they just couldnt bring it over themselves to call a 13 year old little girl a liar right back when I cut my dad out of my life too cuz he tried to fucking rape me that one weekend in his new flat after mom left him Yeah youve been the chance they waited for, if it happened more than once, surely the girl is fucking lying right? You gave them the push they needed so they finally could set themselves free from pretending like they give a damn, so they called 16 year old me a liar, oh and you told them you raped me on accident, oh but like theyd have prefered it if you had that left part out but they made do with what you gave, I did some sorta roleplays with you, so you couldnt differniate, right? Doesnt matter that they never asked for my version of the events, or that you raped me out of nowhere, no sexual activity prior to it at all, no roleplay, nothing at all, they took it from there and came up with more excuses to explain away how obviously traumatized I am, my aunts husband said my mom didnt stop me from watching violent manga porn in my childhood and thats why im so fucked up now, I have no fucking clue where he got that from, for sure, but its quite of concerning that he knew I saw that sort of media in my childhood, but for real, my dad was the one actively telling me to go look up this sort of porn, after hes been showing me lolicon anime cuz he tried to groom me with it, after he instructed me to masturbate to hentai cuz he liked watching me, ah but whatever, they dont care abt that, do they?

Cuz they only care about the way youve came into their life and gave them the blessing of finally getting to call me a liar out loud, oh youve given them what they wanted, youre so buddy buddy now, and they never wanted to question how fucking creepy it is for a guy to actively befriend the family of a girl that has claimed shes been raped by the guy, how fucking weird it is that this girl went to a lawyer to get help cuz the guys been stalking her, and how they might be part of that stalking too, oh but why would ever question anything? anyhow? why would they?

They even let you move in with them, yeah why would the guy that shes accused of having raped her and stalking her wanna move in with her family after shes refused any sort of contact with him no matter how much he pushed for it? What kind of guy would do this knowing its gonna hurt her? its gonna devastate her? Yeah, what sort of powerhungry guy would - hey what again is rape most of the time motivated by? A hunger for power? A thirst for control? Mh, I wonder - I wonder how long you can hold your breath wasting your life creeping on me, over your inability to get over that I had the audacity to leave your ass after you raped me, thinking that id just move on and not leave u for it, oh for someone that obsessed about me for such a long time its like you barely even knew me,

And I know I should feel like crying when I think of it but all I feel is the shivering in my arms and legs from the adrenaline, and the waves of rage and violent urges that wash over me when I remember what the world let you get away with, when I remember my pathetic family and their farce when I remember how much of a dissapointment youve turned out to be, You should have really known so much fucking better than that, your own mother liked to get to close to you for comfort in your own childhood, you know what it feels like to be preyed on, yet you continued the cycle of abuse its pathetic, cuz I trusted you so much, trusted you in a world where barely anybody understands what its like if a parent sexually abuses you as a child, and you knew what its like, cuz it happened to you too, I trusted you to want to be better than that, I trusted that you wanted to heal and recover just like me, but boy was I wrong

You acted out on me, got triggered for sure, but you cant heal from what you refuse to see yourself as victimized of, you never liked accepting that what your mom did to you is really that bad, you held me so tightly and told me youd never let me go now that you know that I wont judge you for what youve been through, you cried in my arms that day, when we still were a couple, and you said somewhere you know what your mom did really counted as sexual abuse but you just cant let go of the illusion that she loves you, cant let go of the illusion that it wasnt even that bad, that it didnt count cuz only women can get victimized but that it feels so good to finally get to feel vulnerable, and youd never let go of me, and you do everything to make sure what happened to me never repeats

few months later you raped me’ and now youre crying out loud for gods sake just leave me the fuck alone, I cant cope with the amount of urges to murder you I get, but sadly enough I know thats sorta what youre getting at here, I know deep inside you just hope I snap and kill you cuz you cant get what you did out of you, cant get what she did to you out of you and now youre turning it around on me, and you hate me so vehemently hate me for leaving you, hate me for having been kind to you before, yeah, hate me cuz you cant have me, hate me cause you hate yourself, hate me cause youd like to end your miserable life cuz you know you cant take back what you did, well ive no sympathy for you You can beg, and you can threaten and all I do is fantasize about gutting you like a fish, I wanna cut the skin on your back open and unfold it so you can be the angel youve always wanted to be, I wanna stitch that lying mouth of yours shut, I wanna break all your fingers so you regret having ever touched me with them in those ways, I want to step on your body as its bleeding out, I wanna crush your bones with heavy shoes, I wanna hear you break like you tried to break me that day, I wanna stuff your throat full of white feathers so you can know what it felt like to be called “purity in person” too, try coughing up how you really feel, Id like to see you try, put you on a pedastal like you put me with a noose round your neck so you can know how graceful this fall is’

Purity isnt something you can steal, you shouldnt have tried to from me, Purity is something thats not as real as people pretend it is, the childhood innocence you miss, you should admit to why you feel that way, but im out of patience to give advice, youll only obsess over, like you used to, Im saying it now, the only fantasies ive got with you anymore are those in which I torture and kill you for every day you overstayed, for every day you sabotaged me and my life, when you came into my life, and when you left me bruised and more broken than ive ever been before, sabotaged the way I tried to go to school and graduate, stalking me like you did, I tried my best to succeed in life even as you kept trying to drag me down, I kept going anyway, and I did good in my own way, I kept going slower, slower, slower, but I still went my way you could slow me down, but you could never get me to stop never get me to give up, This is one hell of a sick game youve been playing with me, why cant you just accept it? You raped me and theres no second chance after that, You can deny it, try to act like you didnt, but I know you hate yourself for it, dont make it my issue, it makes me so sick when you think I could ever feel anything more for you at this point, more than the urge to grab a knife and slice your throat just to finally put an end to this, an end to this you and me havent been a thing since we’ve been sixteen, but you feel me with such violent shine when my mind goes dark cuz youve been trying to trap me in my own room full of fear cuz you keep reminding me of the way you raped me, oh and I feel like a tiger in a cage, like a tiger in a cage and im about to rip you open with my teeth, But theyd never understand the amount of damage youve dealt to me, would they? Id be the “bad one” So why dont you do me a favour and just kill yourself? You keep clinging to a possible future you had envisioned with me, but I never agreed to that, I always told you if you do something that hurts me, ill leave ya’ and you didnt even think id really do it, I promised you to stay with you for life unless you do something thatll hurt me real bad, you promised you never would, looks like you broke our promise and yet your the one crying out loud feeling the need to make me feel just how angry you are cuz I had the audacity not to stay in an relationship with my rapist

[gooeyguy]

Fibromyalgia linked to ptsd?

Fibromyalgia, what is it?

You might have heard this word before, either from a family member or a friend but you probably don’t know exactly what it is and how it affects the people diagnosed.

So hey guess what homie? today i’m here to tell you all about it and my experiences with it, if you decide to keep reading of course.

 Fibromyalgia is a relatively recently-known disease, so there is still much to be learned about it. More and more research is being done on it and there are now set diagnostic tests. It seems part of the disease is caused by the pain nerves misfiring and interpreting every sensation as pain. Fibromyalgia more commonly affects women than men, and often shows up during young adulthood. There are many symptoms that can occur with fibro, but i’m gonna do my best to narrow it down as much as possible, as to not run my mouth all over an assignment for class.

Chronic widespread body pain is the primary symptom of fibromyalgia. You may have heard this and thought that’s all there is to it, unfortunately most people with fibromyalgia also experience moderate to extreme fatigue, sleep disturbances, sensitivity to touch, light, sound, and cognitive difficulties. Many individuals also experience a number of other symptoms and overlapping conditions, such as irritable bowel syndrome, sleep disorders, anxiety, depression, chronic headaches, joint hypermobility/ Ehlers danlos syndrome, lupus and arthritis. I cannot begin to elaborate on the extended side affects of these side effects, but the most important to note is PTSD or C-PTSD, it is believed to be a huge cause of fibromyalgia and symptoms of the illness, but we’ll get to that in a second.

Many of these symptoms are also found in other chronic illnesses. A person most likely won’t experience all of these at once but can. Symptoms might be constant or they might wax and wane. New symptoms may develop any time. Everyone is affected by fibro differently.

Fibromyalgia is very hard to cope with and will affect so much more of your life than you’d expect.

Here are some personal symptoms i experience to help explain.

WIDESPREAD PAIN AND STIFFNESS: Fibro people experience many types of pain. Muscle and joint stiffness is also common, especially after sitting for a period of time. I always am feeling some level of pain, but the type and intensity and sometimes location varies: flu-like ache all over the body, burning pain as though my whole back is on fire, sharp pain as though someone stuck a dagger behind my shoulder blade, joint weakness and pain--almost like a light sprain, and others. For me, getting dressed, repeated bending (such as laundry or loading the dishwasher), and standing still are three of the biggest basic function pain triggers. But even tiny things like wearing jewelry or using a fork can cause more pain on bad days.

FATIGUE: This can be anything from a constant tiredness to a debilitating fatigue so bad I can’t do much but sit and stare (or cry). This clashes with the pain/night terrors i experience making it difficult for me to sleep. It can mean I have trouble staying awake during lectures or class, or even a chat with a friend, no matter how much I want to hear it. If I'm having a worse fatigue flare, I will start having trouble walking straight, much less thinking straight, and often notice myself talking very slowly.

I am currently taking a stimulant called adderall that helps me stay awake but unfortunately gives me a bad crash after wearing off.

SLEEP DISTURBANCES: Fibro causes an alpha wave sleep disorder where the brain experiences bursts of alpha waves (normally only experienced during awake times) throughout the night. These bursts either fully wake me up, or at least bring me out of deep sleep. On a good night I’ll wake up fully two or three times and on a bad night I wake up as often as every twenty minutes, if I sleep at all. The frequent awakenings not only mean a loss of sleep, but also interrupt the important sleep cycles of the body. The time of deep sleep is vital for your body to repair itself and prepare for the next day. Fibromyalgic’s get very little deep sleep, and often another important sleep cycle, REM sleep, is minimized as well. Sleeping better or worse is not typically related to emotional stress.

COGNITIVE PROBLEMS: This includes memory and concentration problems, as well as language use problems, commonly called brain fog or FibroFog. It’s called that for a good reason. It’s as though you’re having to grope through a heavy fog to try to grasp thoughts, and as soon as you latch onto one, it slips away again. The short-term memory problems mean I don't always remember the answer to the question I just asked--or even what the question was! Or I'll be listening to someone and can't quite understand and connect all the words together into something that makes sense. Sometimes I have trouble talking clearly, or will use a random wrong word, or simply be unable to think of common words. This makes me feel as if i come off stupid and does not help my self esteem. Dissociation ties into this and is linked to my C-PTSD. More than simple detachment or loneliness, C-PTSD sufferers tend to experience themselves as "outside looking in," as though they are no longer a part of life's events but are beyond a transparent barrier, restricted to the role of an observer. Making everyday feel unreal.

HEIGHTENED SENSITIVITY: to bright light, touch, sound, and smell. The feeling of clothes can be painful, but to describe what i mean a bit better, the running of my finger along the skin of the top of my arm is irritating. Its as if i’ve gotten a fresh rugburn after getting my arm numbed for a surgery. So theres an ache in the muscle as if it’s bruised and an irritation to the skin but in the same instance a partial numb feeling. Any flashing, flickering, or bright lights or loud sounds can be very painful to the eyes and ears. On a bad day even quiet sounds like someone walking or ruffling through papers can be painful. Certain smells can be painful, as well as certain cleaning products, triggering smells and even perfumes. DIZZINESS: I sometimes have a slight balance problem, especially if there are other people milling about close to me, on a staircase, or if it is not well lit. I have fallen numerous times, but when I don’t I have to take a sudden step to catch myself, quickly grasp the stair beam, or touch a wall or friend’s shoulder to balance myself. It’s not uncommon for me to try to walk through the doorframe or look a tad tipsy if I’m particularly exhausted. Other symptoms of Fibromyalgia are Irritable Bowel Syndrome, muscle tremors, numbness or tingling in hands and feet, mood changes, chest pain, painful menstruation, and dry eyes, skin, and mouth. Many people also struggle with anxiety and depression.

Fibromyalgia is a newly studied illness and there isn’t much to find as to what causes it, Although, talking to my doctor has really brought a new light to this issue. So bear with me while i try to explain.

I had been diagnosed with ptsd as a young child but was never followed up with therapy. And to be more specific I am now diagnosed with C-PTSD (Complex Post traumatic stress disorder) The difference between the two is PTSD is caused by a single event whereas C-PTSD is caused by prolonged or recurring events.

C-PTSD symptoms are believed to be the cause of the symptoms I have regarding fibromyalgia, here is a list and explanation of some of them.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT: You’ve probably heard of this term. The fight or flight response refers to a specific biochemical reaction that both humans and animals experience during intense stress or fear. The sympathetic nervous system releases hormones that cause changes to occur throughout the body. When you are in a stressful or dangerous situation and experience fear and anxiety, your body goes through a number of changes: Your heart rate may increase. Your vision may narrow (sometimes called "tunnel vision"). You may notice that your muscles become tense. You may begin to sweat. And your hearing may become more sensitive.

Now i want you to think about what would happen if someone was in a constant state of “Fight or Flight”. Eventually you’d be exhausted right? If your body is in a constant state of fear and anxiety eventually the tensing of muscles is going to take a toll on your body.

And that is exactly what C-PTSD does.

Re-experiencing the past: In the form of nightmares and flashbacks. While in PTSD flashbacks tend to be visual, in C-PTSD they are often emotional. That is, a sudden, overwhelming rush of emotions such as anger, shame, humiliation, abandonment, and of being small and powerless much like a child would feel when abused.  These are referred to as Emotional Flashbacks (EFs) and can last for minutes, hours or even days. Avoidance: of thoughts, feelings, people, places, activities relating to the trauma (e.g., dissociation, derealization) Emotion regulation: Emotional sensitivity; reduced ability to respond to situations in an emotionally appropriate and flexible manner.   Negative self-concept: Feeling of worthlessness and defectiveness. Doctors suggest that those with C-PTSD suffer from toxic shame and have a virulent Inner and Outer Critic. Interpersonal problems - Difficulty feeling close to another person; feeling disconnected, distant or cut off from other people (depersonalization, social anxiety and reactive attachment). So overall is it understandable to see where a lot of this shows C-PTSD could be the cause of Fibromyalgia?

 Long-term prognosis of Fibromyalgia, what is it? Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness that goes in cycles of severe flares and milder symptoms. It typically never goes away completely and can be debilitating. Thankfully, it is not believed to be degenerative and does not actually damage muscles, joints, or organs, although it is linked to heart issues.

About 2 percent of the U.S. population suffer from widespread pain and have tender points that are painful to the touch. There is no cure for fibromyalgia, and pain medications often aren't very helpful, so patients can have pain that is bad enough to disrupt their everyday lives for the rest of their life. People with fibromyalgia also have higher rates of psychiatric illness than the general population, and about 90 percent of those with the condition are women. Some with fibro learn to have successful lives, though they typically will be able to do less activity than a healthy person, and less than they were previously able to do.

Unfortunately the rate of suicide from people with this illness is quite high. Each year, about 30,000 people in the United States take their own lives total. It is the 11th leading cause of death in our country and accounts for about 1.5% of all deaths in the US. Three out of four people with this illness will commit suicide.

As said earlier, chronic widespread pain is the main symptom of fibromyalgia. And to de diagnosed it must include: Pain for at least three months Pain above and below the waist Pain on both sides of the body

Pain in more than 11 of 18 the following points in the following image

This could include combinations of neck pain, shoulder pain, back pain, hip pain, knee pain, feet pain, and pain in just about every part of the body. People with fibromyalgia may also have: Hyperaglasia  (increased pain in response to normally painful contact) Allodynia (pain in response to normally nonpainful contact) None of this pain will show up on an x-ray or blood test. That’s one reason why getting a diagnosis of fibromyalgia from your doctor may take so long. In fact, it takes an average of more than 2 years to get an accurate diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Leaving sufferers confused and more likely to lose their job, fail school, or even commit suicide.  What is the long-term prognosis? Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness that goes in cycles of severe flares and milder symptoms. It typically never goes away completely and can be debilitating. Thankfully, it is not believed to be degenerative and does not actually damage muscles, joints, or organs. Most people with fibro learn to have successful lives, though they typically will be able to do less activity than a healthy person, and less than they were previously able to do. What treatments can help? The most effective help for fibro is pacing, that is doing a small bit of activity and then resting. Those with Fibromyalgia need to learn how to listen to their body and know when to stop and when to say no to things, including others. This can be difficult because what may be fine one day may be too much another day, and often the effects of overdoing it aren’t fully felt until the next day. This to others can be marked as laziness and can also greatly affect child to parent relationships. Self help pain management such as ice and heat, special back supports, hot showers or baths, and naps can be used to calm the pain. Walking or other light exercise is also helpful, as is stretching. Sensory issues can make some of these uncomfortable but some work.

There are a number of medications that can also help control some of the symptoms of fibro, especially the pain. Most medications pain related are addictive and aren’t advised to be used by doctors though. There are also antidepressant,anxiety and sleep medications. But of course the meds i’ve personally tried haven’t had much of an effect on me or have given me an allergic reaction.     Alternative treatments such as chiropractic, naturopathy, acupuncture, light massage, and avoiding certain foods or household chemicals (cleaners, body and hair care products, etc.) can be helpful.  How you can help a friend/family member who has fibro or another chronic illness. There are many ways to reach out to help, and of course the needs will change for each person. Big things like helping clean the house or cooking meals can help, but often it’s the little things that are the best, like opening the door for them, or remembering to ask for permission when touching you. Here’s a list of a few things that can help (with thanks to many other websites I‘ve read similar lists on over the past year): ~ Don’t be afraid to hug them gently (with permission), but please no bear hugs. ~ Understand that just because the person looks fine or is laughing and talking, doesn't mean they are not experiencing symptoms. And even if they feel halfway okay while they’re with you, they may pay the consequences of the outing later. ~ Invite them to join you on outings, but if they say no don’t be offended, and don’t be afraid to keep asking in the future in case they are having a good day. Let them know what to expect--if there will be a lot of sitting or standing, a long walk, bright or flashing lights, etc. ~ Be willing to make plans for activities and to be the first to phone or email. It may be hard for them to put energy into contacting you and making plans, even though they’d probably like to get together. This goes for overall conversation as well, don’t be upset if they don’t feel up to talking. ~ Realize that just because they come to an event doesn't necessarily mean they are feeling great. ~ Offer to drop them off at the front door before you go to park. ~ Hold the door for them--I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hurt my wrist just opening a door man. ~ Ask if you can carry anything for them. ~ Warn them before you turn on the light or something that makes noise-- Any sudden noise, light, touch i’m not expecting will make me jump and it’s not comfortable, it in fact can cause me to dissociate. ~ Don't yell or scream in their ear. ~ Realize that a normal poke or elbow dig might cause pain. You can touch them gently on the arm or back, but be soft and don’t surprise them. Try not to jiggle their chair. ~ Let them set the pace when you are walking. ~ Don't be annoyed if you have to repeat yourself several times, or think of a different way to say something. ~ Don’t be afraid to laugh with them about the quirks of fibro. ~ Ask if you can come over and help with housework, or if you can bring over some frozen meals (if they has food allergies, check what they can safely eat). ~ Ask them how they’re doing, and listen to the answer-- do not get upset with them please. ~ If they’re having a bad day, don’t just tell them you’ll pray for them, but ask if you can do anything for them, and if they respond with “not really” stay calm and reassuring.

~ Ask if they are okay every once in awhile. ~ Don’t tell them to try harder and give unreasonable goals that they don’t have faith in reaching, encourage them instead of bringing them down about it.

~ Don’t be afraid to complain about the little things in your life. Tell them about your problems too, everyone wants to feel included. Sure, a stubbed toe may not seem that bad compared to a lifetime of chronic pain, but that sure doesn’t make it not hurt when it happens! Thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far, i’m sure the person who sent it to you or the person in your life with Fibromyalgia, really appreciates that you took the time to read about their illness. 

-Phoenix S.

[lifeisaboxofcereal]

No clue who this is addressed to, nor what the purpose of this is/will be, but feeling exasperated that nothing helps me feel better, how about I give venting via writing a shot.

Here’s the deal. I’ve been involved with this guy for about 5+ years. Lets call him owl. Its the first thing I looked at in my apartment trying to come up with a code name instead of publishing this guys name who any of you reading most likely already know his name via any of my fb posts in the last 5 years. I met him my freshman year at UD. Ballroom dance team. To this day I dont even know if I can explain what drew me to him. He was cocky and confident, cheeky, and cute. He danced. He was a Marine. He seemed so out of my league as a dorky, naive, super awkward freshman that didn’t know anything about college culture. I learned quick that a few dates does not mean we’re dating, and that he was a man of many many ladies. I learned quick that he did not really take my feelings into consideration but I would put them aside and accept any interactions or affections that were given. We had a connection and I had fun with him. I just wanted to go with it.

I went with it for all four years of college. Always waiting for when he’d finally be ready to commit. Or see how much I do for him. How I’m always there, good times and bad.  Even when he really really pisses me off. Waiting for him to see that I was his best friend the way I saw that he was mine. Waiting for him to stop messing up with me, appreciate me, cherish me, want to show me off.

I’m gonna be honest, that never came. Not in college. I didnt date anyone else. I didnt get involved with anyone else more than a few months, and those involvements were usually the product of me and owl being in one of our phases where we were on the outs and he was not talking to me. but once we were good again sure enough I’d lose interest in whoever it was that I was entertaining in that time. I regret a lot of that. Not giving others real chances, because they actually deserved them and wanted them.

But with him it was always like a game, like a chase, never ending, suspenseful, thrilling, exciting, passionate, never a boring moment. Always keeping me guessing. I hated it but I loved it. He didn’t respect me, and he didnt respect my feelings, but still I stuck around. It’s only now that I’m seeing that I had slowly been losing respect for myself, so what incentive would he have for respecting me when I was being a hypocrite? Our dynamic was one of push and pull. There were the times he’d pull me in and never want to let me go, and then without warning he would push me away and leave me feeling abandoned and confused as to what I did to deserve it.

He hurt me a lot. Never physically. Never. Never forced himself on me, I never once was physically scared of him. But emotionally. Every year there was at least one incident. One big fight that seemed like the be all end all. That would leave me in my dorm crying with my roommate wondering how he could be so cold and harsh towards me after everything I’ve done and everything we’ve shared. Always wishing that he would miss me and realize everything and change. It was a clear cycle, and I’m not stupid, I was very cognizant of it, but idk, i liked it and i was still waiting. What I had with him was so different and special I couldnt let it, or him, go.

Last year, October, we had a big falling out. That was really the be all end all. I knew because, and as stupid as this is or sounds, in all of our fights we had never unfriended each other on facebook or done something as extreme or defining as that. We always left doors open. But with this, he burned all bridges. He made a facebook status about me. He wanted all of my things out of his place. He 100% snapped. It was over, he broke things off and our 4 years of being together but not really together, was over.

I spent the next 5 months in therapy and trying to keep busy with friends and classes and trying to find myself again. So much of my identity was dependent on him and associated with him. All of my memories included him. Even dance reminded me of him. I was so lost. And missed him so much but had motivation to work on myself and for once be comfortable and happy with being on my own. I remember one particular session with my therapist in which she told me that if I still have hope that we will reconcile one day, I need to completely let go of what we had. Put it to rest, let it go, mourn it, and leave it in the past, because there was too much to be fixed and too much wreckage to salvage anything. That if we were to ever reconcile it would have to be a completely clean slate. Free of the past transgressions. So that night I blocked him. I blocked his number, his facebook. his snapchat, everything. It was hard and scary but I did it in hopes that thats what I needed to do even if temporarily and symbolically leave our 4 years together in the past.

2 days later was Valentines day. I was supposed to go to a devils game with a friend and she cancelled last minute because she was sick. I reached out to everyone in my phone to try to find someone to go with me because I did not want to spend valentines day in bed thinking about him and missing him. Nobody could come to the game. I was offered a shift at work and almost took it but someone hopped on it before I could. So i was left with chinese food and netflix. I let myself cry and be upset, and feel the hurt remembering our past valentines days together. And then my mom came to my room and let me know that jake was coming to the house. shit i said his name. whatever. she let me know that he asked permission to come and clear the air, and that he would be there in 40 minutes.

He was there in 30, and we sat down, with my best friend as a third party, and we talked for 5 hours. About everything. Anything. All the grievances we had with each other. What we realized. What we regretted. And he told me that he loved me. That he needs me in his life, and said all of the things that I had waited 4 years for. I kept thinking about how right my therapist was, about letting go and letting them come to you, about starting fresh, about leaving the past in the past.

The months that followed were the epitome of a honeymoon phase. My god. we were finally doing things right. He was showing me off, appreciating me, never wanted to let me go, it was everything. I dont think I’ve ever been so happy. We were so in love with each other, so excited, couldn’t wait more than 2 weeks to visit each other again. We moved in together. We made an apartment a home together. We started new jobs and set goals. We motivated each other, supported each other, and wholeheartedly loved each other. I finally felt like I was in a functional and healthy relationship. I felt so loved every single day and I finally understood what people meant about that unbelievable feeling of being in love with someone who was just as in love with you. We did and learned so much together. We had setbacks, and tiffs here and there, but we worked through each one.

Theres a lot in between then and now, but I don’t think it’s worth getting into or explaining. All I can say is that I don’t know how we went from that, to this. Not speaking. Not looking at each other. An apartment that was once so full of love and laughter now only has silence and tension.

He has problems. And to be honest. I’ve always known that but never wanted to accept it. I have problems too because I am very compliant. The relationship became emotionally abusive. I am mentally abused. And he has left me hating myself when I dont even know who I am. I don’t regret staying with him. I don’t regret getting back with him last year. I dont regret anything. All i’ve done is love and give as much as I possibly can. Im not angry. More than anything, i’m disappointed.

I thought he was it. Actually. I know he is. If he were to get the help that he needed. But in a normal relationship, when there is an issue, you don’t feel that your partner becomes a completely different person. That’s not normal. And right now, I don’t know who he is. For the past 2 weeks I have been wishing I could just snap him out of it. Grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Show him a photo of us and see him come back to me. I have written heartfelt letter after heartfelt letter. Debating giving one to him in hopes of softening him up and coming out of this haze of anger and hatred hes in right now. But thats not normal. I shouldnt have to snap him out of anything. I shouldnt have to wish he’d come back. I shouldnt have to plead and beg for him to remember our good times to soften up. None of it is normal. He dissociates. And when i look at his eyes hes not there. I know this sounds dramatic but it’s true. It’s scary, it’s hurtful, it worries me, but it’s true. He completely detaches, and it’s as though he never knew me. As though we never shared a single experience together. And nothing I do can bring him out of that place. As I write this, I feel like I’m writing or remembering someone that died. And thats because essentially, that is how I feel. the man i spent the past year with loving and learning and GROWING died. He’s gone and I dont know why or where he is. And i’m left with this fraction of myself that doesn’t know how to cope with any of it.

He’s not good for me. Its not worth it. I deserve better. I’m going to be so much happier without him. These are all words that an infinite number of friends or loved ones can say to me but the fucked up part of all of it is that I don’t want better, I want him. I know that I will never be able to fully let him go. It’ll never be fully over. And i will always love him. I care about him more than I care about myself. Which is a big part of the problem.

I don’t know where to go from here. Or how to cope. I don’t know what to do. All i know is that I miss him with every fiber of my being. I can’t open my phone gallery because the last photos I took were with him and I can’t look at them. I made a new facebook to run away from it all. Nothing I do makes me feel better. Friends. Work. Gym. Margaritas. Movies. Its all a distraction from missing the person who made me smile ear to ear every morning, and exhale peacefully every night. Even now as I write this, hes walking around the apartment and its as though Im a ghost. He doesnt see me. Acknowledge me. Notice me. And while I used to see him and feel overwhelming love, I now just feel hated. Complete hatred. As though I ruined his life, when all I ever tried to do was make his life better.

So friends, that is my story. I don’t know how it’ll end but I can tell you for sure that I will never be able to hate him or be angry with him. And I will always love him. What comes next for me, I have no idea. I thought writing all of this out would maybe help me have some sort of epiphany but no epiphany came.Sometimes I wish I could have my mind wiped clean of all of this so I wouldnt have to deal with this pain. But I cant. So this is going to suck. For a long while. I’m going to be upset for a long while. I hope at the end of this I can find myself and be a version of myself that has value and pride. I want to be the Bren that loves herself, respects herself, values herself, and is proud of herself. The bren that marched on washington for womens rights in the world needs to march for her rights in her life. More than anything though, I hope he finds himself. I hope he does what he needs to do. I only ever wanted him to be happy. Even if it was at my expense.