#THIS IS AN ANALYSIS OF LIKE… .. LOVEBALL CANON FRESH

[neon--nightmare]

thinjks about. fresh

​THINKIN ABT…. his whole survival at whatever cost to other people, yourself before everything and everyone else mindset and how he assumes everyone else thinks that way too because he can’t comprehend anyone thinking different… but how he ALSO understands on a logical level that people with emotions will do irrational things for the ones they care about, and that he can use that, but it still baffles and even frustrates him…

thinks abt how he calls them stupid to justify it to himself and give himself a reason that makes sense, otherwise he’d just be mentally endlessly going around in circles on something he can’t comprehend, so he tells himself they’re just stupid and emotional and don’t make sense so HE doesn’t have to give it more thought

THINKS ABT….. in recovery, how hard he’d have to work past that mindset that everyone around him could be an active threat to him at any time, that if they call him over somewhere private, that they aren’t waiting to ambush and kill him, because that’s a mindset he’s been FORCED to learn, that he’s learned since he was created because otherwise he wouldn’t have even survived the three years he’s been alive, he HAD to live like this and internalize it and he’s never known any different

that he met the only person who loved him as he was, unconditionally (his first experience with any familial bond, he’d never had anything close to a family, he’d always been on his own and he LIKED it that way because other people are too unpredictable, and irrational, and even temporary allies were just tools to be used too that he would turn on in a heartbeat to get the upper hand instead of them doing it to him)

but in every single way that he thought about it, pacifrisk couldn’t be getting close to try and hurt or kill him unless they were planning with the others in a galaxy-brained plan just to get him to let his guard down before they struck, but he’d be prepared for that, or if they were somehow predicting all of his reactions, even the completely irrational ones where he got angry and lashed out that surprised himself just to attack him at his most vulnerable, but they put themselves in so much danger that wouldn’t make sense either, they believed in him so genuinely and unconditionally, and then he lost them right before his eyes,

and that reinforced every single negative belief he had, that trusting and loving people would only hurt them AND himself, blaming himself for letting them get too close, blaming himself for letting HIMSELF get attached because he knew this would happen, that it’d only end badly and it did, that all of his paranoia was proven right and that was the first time he ever felt grief

thinks abt how fresh physically, mentally couldn’t feel happiness, or comfort, living a life where the only emotions he could ever access were anger, fear, and sadness, and he couldn’t cope with those three because he never learned how, that he lived in a multiverse where everybody he met could experience positive emotions but they were always out of his reach, and he was jealous, deep down, while telling himself it was just because he was BETTER than them, and made to be better, perfectly designed

and if he kept pushing the flaws down it was like they weren’t there at all and he could keep telling himself he would never sink to their level and be like the irrational, childish, emotional other people he manipulated every single day, not because he’d feel pity for them, but because it would mean he was like them, that he was weak, that he wasn’t above them at all, that he wasn’t perfect and not being perfect and in top 100% form all the time he would be erased and replaced with another just like him, but without his flaws

THINKS ABT…. How part of his recovery is accepting that being at the level of other people doesn’t make him inferior, or pathetic, it just means they live their own lives too and have value, and that if he got attached to someone he probably wouldn’t recognize that they were like the hosts he possesses and tortures unless the person specifically points it out and explains it to him because he’s always just seen them as toys, pieces in a chess game, served an important purpose and provided entertainment, or got in the way, and then he’d move on to the next one because it was just what he did and needed to do to survive

and hurting others was made to be the only way he could feel anything slightly positive, even then it was just a shell of what ordinary people with emotions felt daily but at least it was something, he was made for a purpose and designed in every way to fulfill it

thinks abt… how hard fresh would have to unlearn those mindsets in recovery, that he’d have to be in a safe place where he wasn’t able to be killed for showing weaknesses, how he’d have to tackle everything he’d repressed so heavily throughout his literal entire life, learn to accept that he isn’t perfect and that’s okay, that some people are nice just because they can be, and it doesn’t mean that they’re trying to manipulate him, or are waiting to hurt or kill him, that sometimes kindness is unconditional and real, that he can be loved just the way he is

and it wouldn’t be easy, it’d be so so hard, but i think that’s important too, and how even though all of his life experiences would always leave a permanent mark on him, and always be a part of who he is, if he wanted to (which is the most important thing, more important than you’d think, it would mean letting his entire world crumble down around him with only a chance it would be built back up, of which he would have to take the word of other, emotional, people, which he’s built the biggest bias against throughout his entire life and everything he knows, and and and)

but if he wanted to, and had people who cared about him, which could definitely be dangerous for them at times if he lashed out, and it’d be a long process, and he’d never be able to make up for all he’s done, all of this is so much harder than i make it sound, but…

he could heal, and be happy. accept other people as his equals. not live in only fear, anger, and grief. live a life where he could trust people, and be trusted back. and i think that’d be just amazing