#THEY NEED TO LEAVE HIM ALOOOOOOOONE

[the-official-account]

I HAVE BEEN INFORMED THERE'S A NEW EPISODE HERE'S 26 LIVEBLOG BABEEEEYYYY

my podcatcher is cool and great and open source and ad free and all that shit but I haven't set up my notifications good and because this is my first episode as they come out (my inner fanatic is all grown up) im not used to the schedule but HHHASD;LPIG AHIP'LSF AG THE WAY I SCREEEEEAMED AND ACTUALLY DANCED FOR JOY HERE WE GO!!!!!

oh opening music my beloved. Oh shit I got so obsessed with Blorbos I briefly forgot exactly where we are in the story. Coping mechanism (slash joking slash lighthearted) im 👀👀👀👀 very hyped bery concerned

"you need to be making eye contact to be frozen" means it's vry easy to free spar!!! ahhh so they somehow duplicated the pendants....or found more??

BACKUP THINGS 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀 IM ON DESKTOP AND I CAN ONLY HAVE ONE EMOJI COPIED TO MY CLIPBOARD AT AT TIME ASJKDLHFASDFH

also the title of this episode is making me excited

Ila's stress about spar's condition is such a mood

THIS TELEKENISIS NECKLACE THING IS SO BANGER.

ooh. oof. this drive. CRIT?????? NICE FUCK. WHEW.

SUUCESSED THE FUCK OUTA THAT.

Voracity fucking sucks sorry about your lineage bestie i do hope you die though

SPAR BALANCED HALWAYD ON A CATWALK, FROZEN, SNUGGLED UP TO AN AWFUL AWFUL VAMPIRIC ASSHOLE UHHHH

......that joker.

OH I FORGOT VELLUM CAN TELEPORT FOR A SEC with the power of looking INCREDIBLY sexy. I like this plan I'm feeling good about this plan

Jordan's clearly plotting some shit and i am HERE for it

"normally you are not conscious during it" NORMALLY???

Spar depersonalization crash course. OH WAIT NO SPAR STEVEN UNIVERSE MOMENTS. IM OBSESSED????

viscious spar.....hmmm......im making a face it's not a great face LASDFALHFAHS

I love that spar's first thing is to just get the gist of what he's got going on <3 LJSADFLKJAHSDJFKHASD HE GOES TO VELLUM A;LKSDFLJSHDFLJSADGFLJSHADFKAHSDFKLASDF SCOOBY DOO ASS LOVE BIRDS

Oh shit is Vellum gonna think spar is fucking dead???? VORACITY GOES TOPPLING WHICH IS HILARIOUS BUT SPAR TOO??????? HOLY SHIT????? LMAO????

we are thirteen minutes in.

IF YOU DIE IN YOUR BODY YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE ALKSDJF;LAKSDJFASKLD;FJALSDFJ

Essay protesting Voracity's stats is such a mood. What if...what if ya jus didn???

As spooky as this whole situation is, the mental image of spar having royallllly biffed it is sending me

Okay when I was very young, I used to play chess with a younger sibling of mine. And I did this thing where I would just take one rook and systematically go around capturing all their pawns because they didn't know how to protect them, while just kinda giggling. And that's the energy ipswitch is bringing right now, tkaing out all their backup.

EIGHT FUCKING CARDS

AD;ISFLG;ALKDSGASLDFK RING TOSS SITIONATION wasn't jakub with ipswitch? or going to him? and yeahhhh lunevella is an important ally.

Diamond? friend? mmmmmmmmmmmmnahhhh

YEAH LUNAVELLA!!!! MASSIVE WITCH LADY COME IN CLUTCH!

nooo fuck PLEASE dont make it diamond please please please LUNEVELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA lesbiamb...YEAS

I forget what beloved does but mechanical nonsense is my favorite

NO SUCESSES ONE JOKER there are not emojis on this computer that describe...you know that one image of the hot cook guy from Queer eye looking traumatized? that.

"I'm having fun being a useless ghost boy" VALID i am also having fun. sometimes in a ttrpg you just wanna be/add to the problem for a bit!!! And that's ok

Voracity being pissed about being launched off the catwalk is SO Funny.

"so I could accomplish my goal without violence" BITCH YOU THREATENED TO MURDER SEVREAL-----FJHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NO NO NO VORACITY ISNT ALLOWED TO CRIT LEAVE VELLUM ALOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!

oh shit but vellum's turn now.......kick them back off!!!!!! asjdhfakjsdhfasdkflakdhf

TAEKWONDO!! switching instantly for a drive does seem like a good balance I like that mechanic

god I love my gay rule-abiding detectives who for some reason keep trying to fight the ONE being that EVERY rule is like don't fucking fight for the love of god do not fight them for the LOVE OF

"I imagine that vellum gets a cat stance, which is like an L stance" i know there is more informaiton here but my brain has already shifted into the "someone i know is talking about something they love and i understand very little of what's happening here but I'm just excited to listen" mode. But no i do need to know what cat stance is because this is so art in my brain. ill look it up later.

im so *chinhands*

OOOOOH BUT THIS DESCRIPTION IS SO GOOD i CAN SEE IT IN MY BRAIN SO WELL OOOOHAS;DFHKLASEHFASKDFHA VELLUM IS SO COOL

there are no ascii emojis for doing a silly stupid little happy stim but that's what's happening

oh shit luna can fly!

Lune deserves to be condescending to her enemies, she's dealt with so much bullshit.

Ooof we have the AA and now the bramble guard with MOTORCYCLES????? ugh!!! organizations!!!!! Lore!!!!!!!! im swooning. there is nothing sexier in my mind that good worldbuilding

tatiana related plans but not htis episode 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀????

yeah lmao fuck diamond.

okay but in my brain Desdemona was suuuuuuper pretty. Oh no!!! Don't make her endearing!!!!!!!

(sweetly) "So uhhh, people of cindershore as you can see....we have the people of theee passion fruit festival held hostage <3"

THEY WANTED TO DO THIS NON VIOLENTLY god fuck i hate fucking misinformation goddamn.

"side with crystallis of againse you own wellbeing" bestie how is that fucking nonviolent?????

"get your gummy jello fingies in here" hello i am uncomfortablleeee AHSDL;FHASDFHADJSFLHAKDSFJH

TERRORIST TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

I like to imagine that Kit's comments was ipswitch being genuinely helpful

oh god. there was a SPLIT second moment when my entirely world lit up with the GLEE that was Voracity biffing it off the catwalk again.

vellum pulls them...up? NOOO I MEAN THATS SMART BUT AHHHHH IM STAKING THE PROTAGONISTS LIKE A MIRACA (how the FUCK do you spell this im pretty sure i knew that) STOP PUTTING YOURSELF IN HARMS WAY AHHHHHHHHHH

i swear to GOD the host have an uncanny ability to say the joke i was thinking and I think we've just all got the same internet brain rot. my FIRST thought here was "None successes? left beef." and there we go. no funny left for the rest of us.

oooh what's jakub up to

WITCH TIME WITCH TIME WITCH TIME

"leave diamond where they are" you know, cause fuck em.

LUNA VELLA COMING IN FRIGGGGGING CLUTCH.

"Lunavella casts a spell that was taught to her by tara. Lunavella later taught it to jasper, who used it to talk to a god at a very crucial time"

the VOLUME at which i just sais "HUH?????" is IMMENSE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? HELLP???? NO DONT MOVE ON HELLO??? HI! hIS I HAVE QUESTIONS?

Did jasper do the untethering???? Did jasper PERSONALLY speak to mommy magic???? Is that was Tara did to sacrifice her connection to magic for Merim & Josepha's freedom????? what...what does this mean....

SHE'S TALKING TO KRONOSAVA SHE CALLED THIS RELIC'S FUCKING PARENT. SHE SAID SHE'S GOING TO THE MANAGER. AJSHDFAJSHDFLKAJSHDF

An animatronic giant....HMMMMMM

okay but what is the triple threat if not just a small, minimalist mech suit?

"oh i do like information" "I know!!! Me to!!!" Oh my god they're suchhhh fucking nerds i fucking love them HASKLDJHFASDHFAKDJLFH GET ME TO A CLOSET.

AND JAKUB BLUSHES. AND OF COURSE IPSWITCH DOESN'T NOTICE CAUSE ITS IPSWITCH. THIS IS CUTE AS FUCK

I WANNA TRY TO POSSESS VORACITY Spar has been a ghost for like 2 minutes, and he was already like "When in rome!!!"

Kronosava manifests as a NINE FOOT TALL CLOCKWORK PERSON WITH MANY CLOCK FACES OF IMPOSSIBLE GEOMETRY????? COOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL FUCKING RAD RAD RAD

Spar's ALONE with the TIME GOD al;jsdflkasdjfasdjlf

he did NOT just introduce himself....holllly shit lmaooo. "those who may be frozen by my eye are unworthy by my sight" oh so Spar is like. Time daddy's favorite blorbo. This makes sense to me. or maybe somewhat.

KRONOS SAY YALL KINDA SUCK SO I MADE YA DIE, CAUSE FUCK EM

Spar is NOT fucking out logicing this GOD im So here for this. fuck em up bestie FUCK EM UP!!!!!!

imagine your last name being considered by the GOD OF TIME now that's what I call clout.

"relative innocence" yeahhhhh. peace and lvoe on the planet earth, but emphasis on "on the planet earth"

Mayor lipton is the mayor of cindershore.

Okay I understanbd this scene im loving the vibes but MERIM FELSPAR THE SECOND IS NOOOOOTTTTT THE JUSTICE SYSTEM MR. TIME DADDY!!! He can't awnser for the crime and bigroties of Extra #8 and 13

YOU MAKE A GODDEX CHUCKLE that line will be living in my brain as something that can be so symbolism

I....I...I don't like this. wow i HATE how fast spar just traded off year of his fucking life span noooooo. fuck. fuck. fuckity fuck fuck fuck im in distress. ughhhhhh spar being spar.......I will have thoughts but first I need to sigh a lot ......Ugh.

but also fuck the gods im not vibing with this barter situation. is it good for the plot YES is deicide always an aspiration of mine also yes

"it feels like licking a battery with your hand' oooh mental sensory imaginings not good but very very cool

Like sourpatch kids watermelon flavor colorscheme.

*sadly, with hesitation* midtro dance midtro dance....

guhhhh spar....Spar why. Like I understand the choice but that was SO fast. HE DIDNT THINK ABOUT IT AND THAT'S WHAT I --UGHHHHHH

happy late birthday to essay!

ESSAY PLEASE STOP ASTRALLY PROJECTING PLACES ALSDFL;ASHFDLASHDFLKASF

Spar is a snacker and habituatally hands people snacks to keep them sustained.

God yall are just begging for me to write a communion (slash literary term related to chrstian, not christian practice itself. for as much as i say the words lord and god i like barely know who jesus is) fic....soon my toils will be over and my backlog will sing so my like the sirens lulling me away from an approaching storm, so instead my hyperfixation can crash violently upon the rocks and. it. will. be. GLORIOUS.

VELLUM WON A LEETLE KEETY <3<3<3

KIT CAME OUT SWINGING WITH THIS????? ....HUH????? BESTLJHAS;DIFHASDHFASJDFALKDSFKJASF. KIT SAID "IPSWITCH LOOKS AT SOME GAY SHIT END OF SENTENCE" IM DEAD. Im just imaginging Jakub looking at the performers, and at ipswitch, and at the performers, and in his head he's like "why does he look contemplative?"

Xbala, hilde, grey, anya play shoots and ladders at the safe house while knowing Spar, Vellum, ip, Jakub, and Luna are risking their lives fighitng voracity....that was me typing for speed but "Ip" as a nickname is really cute imo.

*much more enthusiatic end of midtro dance*

ILA I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOOD NEWS. DODGE IS ONE. AH. OH NO. HHHHH.

i made i sound like ID been bitten. Voracity. Rancid bestie, what if we like....didnt...

LIASDFASDJFASDF VELLUM'S BLOOD TASTES WIERD?????

*A deep sigh as I realize by having Beloved as a ultimate Vellum is, in fact, another self-sacrificial blorbo for the lot.*

Oh fuck he's so determined and valliant but i want him to STOP.

People should be reinvigorating and spar should be around soon??? im....spoooked. I know being unconcious isn't the end of the world though....

I think some of the gumw as given to Anya and may not have ever been returned? Which i only mention as a brief note for efforts and because these eps are recorded long ahead of time: i aint a snitch

spar to the recsue <3 <3 <3 king I'm imagining spar like Baseball-sliding in, swinging the sword like he's going to a home run, in slow motion. It's VERY cool.

SPAR IS AJUDSHLKJSAHGFKLJSADFGHAS THIS IS FO FUNNY I FUCKING LOVE THIS.

OHHHHH JUST ONE SHORT.

OH. OH SHIT. OH. PLEASE FLIP GOOD OH MY GOD. ID WOULD BE SCREAMING BUT IF I START SCREAMING i CAN'T HEAR.

AHHHHH;LFRGHA jumped so hard I pulled my chair up off the floor and keysmashed irrespocibly enough to put my compter to sleep. I'm SO normal.

The Animaation of this that exists in my brain through. Vellum gets bitten and Voracity reals back enough for you to see, between their faces, spar sprinting towards them reaching for his sword. The Camera whips to a side angle for spar's baseball swing. Slice! Spray of blood as vellum gets up a bit. Shot from below spar's chin to show his determined face and the long line of his arm and Bang! Bang! They all drop until his gun clicks empty. As there's a zoom in on the bat going for the window. One last bang and as Spar looks down the Camera does too, to show Vellym propped up on one arm holding His derringer high for a beat before his arms fall when he slumps in relief and he just smiles as ash rains down around them. Spar falls to his knees, and vellum slides over to kiss him...augh. AUGH!

Spar with a subtle scar over his hear that after 26 is raised and more obvious. For you know. Eventual shiftless art that WILL happen

Oh shit Jakub's getting a fucking promotion, huh?

LKJUAHSFGKJAHSKDFAHSDFKLASD IPSWITCH FINDS TERRORISM TAX FRAUD EVIDENCE I LOOOVE THAT FOR HIM OH MY GODDD <3.

Okay but Jakub being attracted to that is SO dorky and i love them and they're such sillyy guyssss. IPSWITH STARTLES.

"i have one more thing to end on!" [the episode has twnety minutes left]

Governor thorn middle ages. violet haired. carries a spear. CLEARLY need to pack her ass up and fuck off before she messes with Hilde, Anya, Grey and Xbala. I was only gonna mention my favoirites out of that grpup but not yeah they're all good. So throne need to like. go. I don't trust this.

"What's this about? how do you know where this is?" GOOD QUESTIONS.

FUCK. OFF. UNDER ARREST FOR WHAT. BITCH?

NO. NO. YOU DONT GET TO FUCKING END CREDITS MUSIC AFTER THAT FUCK YOU. FUCK OFF. WHAT. WHAT?

What.

i HEARD KEVIN AND I ACTUALLY GASPED. ITS MY FAVORITE CRINGEFAIL KING!!!!

CATBOY ASCE!!!!!!

OH WAIT im realizing....If SUITS has been abolished that Spar did retire after all, huh? Huh. Good for not having to report info about clovenheart. BAD news for whatever the fuck is happening to jack. Interesting news for Vellum's blood theirvery theories. And damn, I just sort of assumed Mayor Thorne was just like...Good Guy(TM) until....well until chapter 3 of tempest and teapots yesterday. God i love stories where things only get bigger. crunchy as hell.

THEY HAVE TO BOTH WEAR HIS CLOTHES STACKED ASJLDFALSDJFADF

I'm in love with Asce's himbo ass, he should NOT be enabling this and YET.

Iris has jury duty and then she's getting a massage and then she's going to therapy and then doing her therapy homework: considering new employment.

DOES CASEDYWM FUCKING STICK THEM IN HIS ACTUAL POCKET??????? OH NO.

ARE THEY JUST GONNA KEEP THE PIXIES IN HIS POCKET THE WHOLE TIME?

"I just need to know whose on top and whose...whose...whose the legs" Ah, when nature denies us our low hanging fruit

oh god I hope asce is left handed because otherwise Caedyn';s hand is occupied and Asce only has access to his non dominant hand

SDLFASDFAJSDFLASDF "I DONT KNOW HOW IT HELPS BIT I WANT IT"

"IS CADEWYN'S noSE PIECED" "IT IS NOW"

ASDKJFA;LSDJFASDF FUCK

added together they look like a great mintaur, yeah!! If someone shakes their head back and forth very fast

peer pressure confusion...sweet jesus.

JSADLFJALKDSFJAS just look abnormnal and blend in!!! This stratedgy would work in many of my social circles to be fair.

Not CALHOUN (just finished reading the 1619 project, that's the last name of the probably most cartoonishly evil & racist person in that entire book. Which, if anything, makes this mor funny for me

HE GIVES CADEWYN MORE ALCOHOL. NOOOO LMAOOOOOO

A BRILLIANT TACTICAL PLAY YOU'RE NOT HIGH LEVEL ENOUGH TO GET FULL DETAILS ON.

I was gonna make a joke about xbala getting arrested in the background but then it hit me: anya is a defense lawyer. A defense lawywer who already fucking hates Thorn. A defense lawyer who already hates thorn who has made up with spar and befriended Xbala and in all likelyhood has the support of the Harrington's behind her. She might. She might fuck it up. Take no prisoners, but like, the opposite way that's usually meant. still just as fuckign rad tho. my brain is turning. rotating like a microwave plate. mmmmmmmmm.

That scene was so funny though. cherry on top of a wonderful episode. i have...i have things to consider.

@threeheartscast @citrusandsalt @ilaalexei

[robininthelabyrinth]

Prompt~ hoping you'll like it ♥️

Things between the Nie brothers are not always nice and happy, they fight, just like any other pair of brothers, and sometimes things are said, sometimes these things are heavy and painful. Sometimes they're said in the wrong moment (maybe at the eve of a battle? Sunshot campaign?) and huaisang doesn't know what to do with the broken look his brother gives him before leaving the unclean realm. Because what if he doesn't return? What if the last thing he said to him was how much he hated the man he became?

Labyrinth - ao3

“But I didn’t mean to wish him away!” Nie Huaisang cried out.

“That’s really too bad,” the goblin king said, looking pleasant and humble and charming the way he always did, even in his cape of glittering gold and high-browed hat. “I wish there was something I could do for you, but the rules are the rules. You wished him away, and I took him.”

“Aren’t you supposed to only take babies?” Nie Huaisang demanded.

“Your brother’s enough of a crybaby to count, it’s close enough.”

“It is not!” Nie Huaisang wrung his hands. “You don’t understand, the last thing I said to him was that I hated him! Meng Yao, please!”

“It’s Jin Guangyao,” the goblin king corrected. His smile looked a bit strained. “Listen, do you think I’m happy about this? He’s my sworn brother! I’m only doing what I have to –”

“Oh, save it for Lan Xichen,” Nie Huaisang growled. “Show me the labyrinth already.”

“You’re going to face the labyrinth,” the goblin king said. His voice was very polite, and yet still expressed significant doubt. “You.”

“Yeah, me!”

“You remember that it goes ‘through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered’, right? Not ‘through a nice teacher and a forgiving grading system’?”

“Yeah, well, your father is a fragging aardvark. Let me at the labyrinth already!”

-

“You know what,” Nie Huaisang said thoughtfully. “Thanks, but no thanks.”

The life-sized animated puppet blinked at him. “You – don’t want my help?”

“Nope. I’m good.”

“You haven’t even gotten into the labyrinth yet!”

“It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t have a chance to get in,” Nie Huaisang said, patting around his sleeve and pulling out a fan. “So I’m just going to walk over and beat at the wall till something happens.”

The puppet followed him, staring blankly. Quite a change from his original apologetic ‘I’m sorry, I’m busy with my own things, I really can’t help you, also it’s too dangerous and you shouldn’t go’ response.

“You were blackmailing me to help you just a moment ago,” the puppet said after a little. “Don’t you need a guide?”

“Listen, I’m bad at memorizing things and I’m a little useless, but I’m not actually dumb,” Nie Huaisang said, fanning himself. “Jin Guangyao is a demon of the mind above all else, and the labyrinth is supposed to be ‘fair’ – which means, more than likely, that the labyrinth is a reflection of the subconscious, specially tailored to each person’s strengths and weaknesses. And that means that you, who sound exactly like Lan Xichen, are almost certainly a set-up sent by Jin Guangyao to ‘reluctantly’ aid me and then betray me.”

“Uh,” Lan Xichen-the-puppet said. “My name’s Hoggle, actually.”

“Whatever makes you feel better, er-ge…A-ha!” Nie Huaisang beamed at the gates that automatically opened. “Perfect!”

-

“Oh, don’t go that way,” the worm said. “Never go that way. And are you sure you don’t want to come in for a cup of tea?”

“No time,” Nie Huaisang said. “Thanks a lot – wait.”

The worm blinked at him.

“You’re a pretty attractive worm, in a slimy sort of way,” Nie Huaisang said, frowning at him.

The worm blinked again. “Why, thanks!”

“No, that’s not what I meant. Is your name Su She, by chance?”

“Definitely not!”

“Mm. Oddly vehement of you. Never mind. Just, quick, could you tell me exactly why do I not want to go that way?”

-

“I don’t suppose straight ahead is an option?”

The hands-faces stared at him.

“I’m just saying, I feel like most of my problems so far have come from the fact that I decided to accept the whole concept of turns. It seems like a mistake.”

“…it’s a labyrinth,” another set of the hands said. “You have to make turns!”

Nie Huaisang shook his head mournfully. “I should’ve brought Baxia or something and just – ZIP. Gone straight through. You know what I mean?”

“I’m dropping you in the oubliette regardless of your decision,” the first set of the hands said. It sounded a bit like Sect Leader Yao. “Just so you know.”

“My life is so hard,” Nie Huaisang sighed. “So hard! Do you know what it’s like to be overlooked by everyone? Do you know how hard I have to work at being this useless?”

“Drop him,” the set of hands that sounded like Sect Leader Ouyang said, and the set of hands that sounded like Sect Leader Yao said, “Yes. Now!”

Down Nie Huaisang went.

-

“I can take you back to the beginning of the labyrinth,” Lan Xichen offered.

“What, and waste all that time? I have a time limit, er-ge!”

“It’s better than being stuck in an oubliette. That’s where they put people to forget about them, you know.”

Nie Huaisang’s eyes filled with tears. “You want to forget me, er-ge? You think I’m useless, don’t you? A good-for-nothing, who’ll never amount to anything –”

“Please don’t cry.”

“ER-GE! WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME!”

“Please stop crying!”

-

“So what’s the point of you?” Nie Huaisang asked the Wise Man with the Talking Hat.

“Not everyone exists to contribute to your storyline,” the Talking Hat snapped at him. “Some of us’ve got our own problems. Now hand over the candy!”

“Don’t be mean,” the Wise Man said. He had a white cloth over his eyes, and was smiling like he found the hat funny.

“Awww, but daozhang…!”

“Different plotline entirely, I guess,” Nie Huaisang decided. “Probably just here as a foil. Shall we keep going, er-ge?”

“I can’t believe you scammed me to get out of the oubliette,” Lan Xichen mumbled. “I can’t believe…”

-

“Oh, leave him alone, he’s just sensitive!” Nie Huaisang snapped.

“Am not!” the upside-down creature snarled, curled up on itself and trying to hide from all those that had been hitting him. Its fur was a vivid sort of purple. “Go away!”

“Don’t you have some sort of special power to help you here,” Nie Huaisang asked him as he tried to get him down before the goblins came back with weapons. “Rocks, maybe?”

“…lightning?”

“Well then get to it, will you?” Nie Huaisang frowned. “Wait. Lightning, constantly being tormented, terrible at communication, and purple? You’re Jiang Cheng, aren’t you?”

“…maybe.”

“Well then get down faster! I need to copy someone’s notes here!”

-

“Leave me aloooooooone!” Nie Huaisang howled, running away from the measuring snake.

-

“Wow,” Lan Xichen said, holding his cheek. “You kissed me.”

“You saved me from the snakes,” Nie Huaisang said. “Can we focus on how we’re in this awful stinking bog?”

“It’s not that bad!” a voice piped up. “I don’t smell anything!”

Nie Huaisang turned to stare, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “Of course you don’t,” he said. “I bet the total absence of a sense of smell helps when you eat spicy food, Wei-xiong.”

“There’s nothing wrong with spicy food!”

“You’re short,” Nie Huaisang informed the small goblin-like creature with the big grin and the red ribbon in its hair. It looked vaguely fox-like, or possibly like certain large breeds of rabbit.

“Why you..!” Wei Wuxian crossed his furry little paws over his chest. “Just for that, I’m not going to help you.”

“Uh-huh,” Nie Huaisang said. “Really. That’s awful…oh no! A dog!”

Wei Wuxian jumped high into the air. “A dog?! Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan! Save me!”

Much to Nie Huaisang’s surprise, a furry dog immediately darted out of nowhere – only Wei Wuxian didn’t seem afraid of it, but rather hid behind it, teeth chattering.

Truly, Nie Huaisang reflected, the eyes of love are blind.

“I think the ‘dog’ is gone now,” he said. “Your brave and noble Lan Wangji must’ve scared him away.”

Wei Wuxian’s head popped out from behind dog-Wangji. “Well, Lan Zhan is really cool…hey. Are you trying to manipulate me?”

“Is it working?”

“No!”

“So you won’t help me?”

“No!”

“Not even if it means you get to figure out a really tricky puzzle?”

“No – wait. A puzzle?”

“I can’t believe this is going to work,” Lan Xichen muttered from behind Nie Huaisang. “I mean, I can. But also…Wangji…I love you, but you could do so much better than this.”

-

“Ugh,” Nie Huaisang said. “I’m so thirsty.”

“Have some Emperor’s Smile,” Lan Xichen said, offering a jar.

“Amazing,” Nie Huaisang said, accepting it and taking a swing. “I had my doubts, you know, but you’re actually good for something after all, er-ge –”

-

The golden bird was Nie Huaisang’s favorite.

He’d worked so hard to bring it back to his aviary – it couldn’t be forced, he knew; it would play along at first but in the end it would turn on you and bite you. It had to be coaxed with gentleness and kindness, approached indirectly so as not to spook it, convince it that you really did mean well – that you were harmless, that it had no reason to fear you. It was arrogant, too, proud of its shining feathers and ashamed of the brown plumage of its chick days, which still remained visible on its tender underbelly. Ironically, that was Nie Huaisang’s favorite part of it, the soft and gentle part; it might not be as pretty as the gold, but it felt more genuine.

Nie Huaisang smiled as he brushed the beautiful feathers, and the golden bird allowed him. He felt cherished, treasured. So what if he had to hide all the sharp parts of himself to get this close?

It was fine. He didn’t like to be sharp.

He wanted to be soft. Soft and gentle, careless and free, relaxed and without effort, good for nothing –

Wait.

No!

-

“It’s all junk,” Nie Huaisang hissed at the pile of burning fans, tears in his eyes. “I want my da-ge!”

-

“You’re all right!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed, helping pulled Nie Huaisang up.

“Huaisang-xiong,” Jiang Cheng said, looking relieved. “You’re back.”

“We have to go to the temple beyond the Goblin City,” Nie Huaisang said, teeth gritted together. “We have to. I won’t let that bastard…we’re going to go there and throw all his damned tricks right in his face!”

“Just us?” Wei Wuxian asked. “I mean, I’m awesome, Lan Zhan is fantastic, and of course Jiang Cheng is great, too, but…uh…there’s a lot of goblins in the city.”

“We’ll sneak in,” Nie Huaisang said. “He thinks he’s sidelined me entirely – he thinks I’m useless. He won’t be expecting me to get this far.”

“I can get help,” Jiang Cheng said. “I have friends.”

“…not to be rude, Jiang-xiong,” Nie Huaisang said. “But – really?”

-

“You know what,” Nie Huaisang said, eyeing the pile of rocks following Jiang Cheng around, each one painted with a name. One of the names was yellow. Two were in white, with forehead ribbons. “This is fine. I feel like it says something really rude about my empathy for and interest in our junior generation, or lack thereof, but you know what? I don’t care. It’s fine.”

-

“You saved me,” Nie Huaisang said blankly, looking at Lan Xichen, who shrugged, abashed. The remains of the mechanical temple guard were scattered all over. “Over – him?”

“Huaisang –”

“No,” Nie Huaisang said, holding up his hands. “Don’t. Don’t…I don’t want to hear you talk.”

Lan Xichen’s head dropped down and he looked at the ground. “You knew from the beginning what I was like,” he murmured. “I never tried to hide it –”

“I forgive you for being what you are,” Nie Huaisang told him, and Lan Xichen looked up at him, startled and pleased. “I forgive you for not having the backbone to stand up against Jin Guangyao for me – or for da-ge. For being willfully blind for so long, for needing someone else’s proof of his ill-intentions, for always picking him first, for never trusting me…I forgive you, even if you’d never forgive me for the same.”

He dashed away the angry tears in his eyes.

“I just wish this wasn’t a fucking metaphor.”

-

Nie Huaisang left the fighting to the people who knew what to do – Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji, Jiang Cheng, even the rock-juniors – and went to the temple at the center of the city alone.

Some things, he knew, needed to be done alone, even if it was the type of alone when you were surrounded by other people. Even when those other people stood by his side and made him promise that if he needed them, he would only need to call. Some things…

“I want my da-ge back,” he said to the maze of stairs.

“Then go and find him,” Jin Guangyao replied, looking smug, and Nie Huaisang had to go up and down all those fucking stairs, because Jin Guangyao was nothing if not predictable with his trauma, looking all over, looking for –

Looking for pieces.

“It’s just a metaphor,” he whispered to himself, ignoring how tears were streaming down his face. “It’s just – I need to put him back together, it’s fine. I’m not too late – I’m not too late –”

-

Jin Guangyao held Nie Mingjue’s head in his hands, blinded and gagged and bound with talismans, pulled out of whatever oubliette he'd shoved it into to forget about what he'd done. “Beware, Huaisang,” he said, still smiling. Always smiling. “I’ve been generous up until now, but I can be cruel.”

Nie Huaisang laughed, scoffing. “Generous? What have you done for me that’s generous?”

“Everything! Everything you’ve wanted, I’ve done – I cared for you, I gave you attention, I got you out of work, doing your schoolwork for you and coming up with excuses to get you out of saber training. I gave you presents, fans and pretty clothing, and when that brute of a brother of yours tried to take them from you, I rescued you. And then I even managed your sect for you, answered all of your questions, any time you had – Huaisang, I’m exhausted trying to live up to your expectations of me. Isn’t that generous?”

Nie Huaisang bared his teeth. “Half of those are burdens that only fell on me because of you. Why should it matter to me that cleaning up your own mess and satisfying your own guilt is hard? Why should I pay such a price when all I wanted was to be your friend? When all da-ge wanted was to be your friend? How dare you, Meng Yao!”

“Huaisang…” Jin Guangyao shook his head mournfully. “Huaisang, the last step here is to say the words to break the spell. But you were never good at memorization, were you?”

Nie Huaisang bit his lip until he drew blood.

“Through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbered,” he said. “I have fought my way here to the temple beyond the goblin city –”

“Huaisang, stop! Look at what you’re risking here. You know how everyone loves me – do you think anyone will forgive you for taking me down, for tricking them all? You’ll be all alone!”

I already am, Nie Huaisang thought.

“My will is as strong as yours,” he said. “And my kingdom is as great…”

His voice trailed off.

“I ask for so little,” Jin Guangyao said beseechingly, convincingly, looking just like he always did, like the man who'd been their friend. “Just let me fool you, and you can have anything you want. No responsibilities, no stress, a life of your own. You can even have Lan Xichen, if that’s what you want…”

What’s the last line, Nie Huaisang thought, hating himself for being such a poor student, for cramming things into his mind without any order, for never being able to retain a single drop of it no matter how hard he tried. What is it? Why can’t I ever remember?

“It’d be so easy,” Jin Guangyao crooned. “Much easier than this. Just fear me, love me, believe me, and I’ll be your slave.”

Sharp teeth in a false smile.

Nie Huaisang shook in terror. He couldn’t – his da-ge needed him – he couldn’t be afraid, couldn’t be a coward, couldn’t be good-for-nothing – couldn’t let Jin Guangyao win – couldn’t let him –

That was it.

Nie Huaisang raised his head until his eyes met his enemy’s.

Sensing something wrong, Jin Guangyao’s eternal smile dimmed, and he began to step forward, reaching out, but it was too late.

“You have no power over me,” Nie Huaisang declared, and the world within a world collapsed.

-

Nie Huaisang opened his eyes.

-

Nie Huaisang sat in his desk in the Unclean Realm, trying to amuse himself by trying to figure out what exactly he’d eaten the night before that had given him such bizarre dreams. It was not successful, on account of him being alone.

Alone, just as he had been every night, and every day as well, since the success of his scheme at the Guanyin Temple.

Just as the dream-Jin Guangyao had threatened.

It wasn’t that Nie Huaisang regretted what he had done – the dream was clear enough about that; he’d do it all again in a heartbeat if he had to. But in the dream he’d been working alongside his former friends, with Lan Xichen betraying but then returning to him, with Wei Wuxian dragging Lan Wangji around, with stone-faced Jiang Cheng and the rather interchangeable junior squad behind him…and in his dream, in the end, they’d let him go to take his revenge, telling him that if he needed them for any reason, he could just call.

Just call, and they’d come back to him. Instead of turning from him in disgust, they’d stand by his side…

“Stupid subconscious,” Nie Huaisang mumbled to himself. “What do you expect? That I'd write to them and say ‘for no real reason at all, I find that I rather need you’?”

Silence answered him.

“Well, I do,” he said with a sigh, putting his chin on his hands. “Does that make you happy? I do need you.”

“You do?” Wei Wuxian’s voice rang out, and Nie Huaisang jumped nearly out of his skin. “Well, why didn’t you say so?”

Nie Huaisang turned, staring: it was Wei Wuxian at the door, the human version of him, and of course there was Lan Wangji right before him, and Jiang Cheng, and the (still mostly interchangeable) juniors, and – and even Lan Xichen, who Nie Huaisang was sure had gone into seclusion with no intent to leave.

“What are you doing here?” Nie Huaisang squeaked. And why hadn’t any of his sect disciples warned him?

“We just bullied our way though the door before anyone could stop us,” Wei Wuxian said cheerfully, answering the unspoken question first. “As for the rest – it turns out that I had the strangest dream the other night, really, truly bizarre, and obviously I had to tell Lan Zhan all about it, except it turned out he had a strange dream too.”

Nie Huaisang’s jaw dropped. “But –”

“I felt da-ge’s qi woven into the labyrinth,” Lan Xichen said quietly. “I thought it’d have long ago dissipated or been locked away, but – it was there, in every stone, in every turn. Every obstacle that didn’t really hurt you, every goblin that was more silly than scary…he was there. It was unmistakable.”

Nie Huaisang swallowed. The story of the labyrinth, baby-stealing wish-granting goblin king and all, had been one that Nie Mingjue had told him as a bedtime story, when he'd been a child in need of comfort; he hadn’t thought of it in years before last night. “But…why…?”

“Because Chifeng-zun has a demented sense of humor?” Jiang Cheng suggested, looking irritated.

“Jiujiu means that he hasn’t had that much fun in years, and also that you should throw a party,” Jin Ling said. “You are hosting all three of the sect leaders of all the other Great Sects. Also, why were we rocks?”

“Uh, no idea,” Nie Huaisang said. “Da-ge’s weird sense of humor, no doubt! Anyway, did you say party? I can do a party!”

He rushed out of the room, calling for his servants, calling for them to bring food and wine and tea, and as he did, he looked out of the window – a golden bird was flying away, looking hunted as if something was chasing it, and even as he watched, it crossed the borders of the Unclean Realm and suddenly dissolved into a fizzle of golden dust.

Nie Huaisang put his hand on the stone wall, and felt a familiar echo.

A very familiar echo.

“Oh,” he said, to his servants, feeling somehow simultaneously sheepish and filled with joy. “And while you’re at it, can you bring me my saber? I seem to have – misplaced it…”

[omisfuckhouse]

mankai company as iconic snl moments

masumi: “yOu NeVeR lOvEd Me, MoM,,, bUt I nEeDeD yOu WhOaAaA”

sakuya: “and I live in a VAN down by the RIVER”

tsuzuru: “i just found out it’s mental health awareness week, so i just wanted to say; we out here, and we crazy, GO GIANTS”

citron: “i’m as gay as my manservant.” (guy: and i’m as gay as my prince.) “we own a skincare line that’s huge in iraq. jealous?”

itaru: “dear mr. holly jolly two-faced son-of-a-bitch, i hope you crash your sleigh and end up face down in a ditch. i guess even the great saint nick can track down a PS5, hey santa! i just drank a fifth of eggnog, dare me to drive?”

chikage: “i’m a real estate mogul who can’t read. line up, ladies! ;)”

tenma: “should i tell her the plant life is not ideal?” “do you believe the gecko is in danger?” “not in danger, no.” “then leave well enough alone!”

yuki: (izumi: yuki, can you show me your mayoral stance?) “no no no, the mayor only has two lines this is not happening” (yuki, mayoral stance. mime suspenders.) “*miming suspenders* no no no no no no”

muku: “when i was 6, my uncle took me camping and then it started raining and i heard thunder and i crapped my pants in the rain, and then i told my uncle what i did and he punched me in the face. and then my mom told me not to tell my dad because my dad would kill him, and then my dad died like a month later. but again, sorry about your FREE THROW PERCENTAGE!”

kazunari: “those guys? they don’t Have wives. i roll with a crew of problematic bachelors and we call ourselves, The Squad”

misumi: “misumi ikaruga, you’re under arrest for breaking and entering.” “haha, okay, i know that :)”

kumon: “the south will rise again! but when i stand up too fast, i pass out”

banri: “it’s time to read to a child. read to achieve.” (sakyo throws a book at him) “what the hell is this?” “it’s a BOOK-”

juza: (about kumon & muku) “i don’t think they ever fully grieved the death of our family :)”

taichi: “i was the proudest, drunkest virgin you’ve ever seen. (slams pointer finger into desk)”

omi: “...but what about my hungry guys...?”

sakyo: “you’re. 33? but you ride a bicycle?” “well that’s because i’m very poor, darling~” “and you live with your mother!” “wow, she’s got a list.”

azami: “when i say ‘death is’ you say ‘final!’ death is!” “FINAL!” “death is!” “FINAL!”

tsumugi: “we just said, ‘ey, vermont. y’know your fancy antique shops with all those fragile valuables?” “yeah we said it’d be a real shame if he and i didn’t buy stuff at them.” “a REEEEAL shame.”

tasuku: (as raphael) “i guess heaven needed a bitch! what, so i’ve passed away in this one????”

hisoka: (in response to what he thinks homare’s biggest fear is) “that a woman whose menarche has come will ensnare me, leaving him to perish in his loneliness and filth, alone, alone, aloooooooone... also lyme disease”

homare: “i’m having a MELTDOOOOOOOOWN. i don’t know which way is up, i’m on the verge of LOSING IT OKAY!!!!!!” “hey did you hear they cancelled that show don’t trust the b in apartment 23?” “WHAT!!!!!!!!!! NOT THE B!!!!!!!!”

azuma: “age is just a number that the government keeps track of”

guy: “we are alone in the cosmos and gareth will rap as he pleases.”

[cdc1345711]

The Weirdos Story:Young ‘Love’

(Salami-Head told Samantha he’d pick up her son Colby at school,he scouted out to see him and spotted him right on the........well spot)

Salami-Head:Yo-Colby right here”

Colby:Hey Sal-I’m”

“Oh yoo-hoo Colbykins”

Colby:(Scared)Pammie.......Oh fuuuuuuh......”

(A small Pomeranian with what seems to to be a puffy cat tail runs up and hugs him and grabs his arm)

Pammie:You weren’t gonna leave without giving me a kiss weren’t you?”

Colby:(Getting mad because the girl is embarrassing him in front of their classmates)Pammie.......please let go.....”

Pammie:Hmph-well if you’re not gonna then......(she kisses his cheek repeatedly,making him more angry)”

Colby:GAAAAAAH(finally able to free his arm and head to the car)Drive drive DRIVE!!!!!!”

Pammie:See you tomorrow Colbykins(blows a kiss to Colby making him cringe)”

(In the car the two remained awkwardly silent-until Salami-Head finally spoke)

Salami-Head:So that girl who ‘showered’ you with affection?”

Colby:I don’t wanna talk about it..........”

Salami-Head:Okay.........who is she?”

Colby:An annoying,always kissy,always huggy,always so cheery pain in my ass.......pardon my french”

Salami-Head:Hey your Mom ain’t here,you can curse-so does she have a name or is it just ‘Miss Pain-In-My-Ass’?”

Colby:(Sighs)Her name is Pamela Greensburrow,we call her Pammie,I was nice to her once and she starts calling me her ‘boyfriend’,it’s so annoying”

Salami-Head:You ever tell her it bothers you?”

Colby:YEAH-but she doesn’t care.....”

Salami-Head:Ha....”

Colby:What’s that laugh for?”

Salami-Head:When me and your Mom were kids,she used to tell everyone I was her boyfriend,she was ‘huggy’ and ‘kissy’ too,but I didn’t mind,she was my friend and it felt nice”

Colby:(Disgusted by knowing his Mom was like Pammie)There’s a point to this story?”

Salami-Head:All i’m saying is now it bothers you but in time you might like it”

Colby:No-freakin-way”

Salami-Head:Well it’s your life”

(They arrive home and Colby heads right upstairs to his room)

Samantha:What’s eating him?”

Salami-Head:Just some school bullshit”

Samantha:Tests?”

Salami-Head:No”

Samantha:Bully?”

Salami-Head:Nuh-uh”

Samantha:........A girl?”

Salami-Head:Ding Ding Ding-Correct”

Samantha:Really? my son has a girlfriend?”

Salami-Head:Actually she thinks he’s her boyfriend,her name is Pammie”

Samantha: Pammie Greensburrow? Daughter of my English teaching Co-Worker Darla Greensburrow?”

Salami-Head:Hell if I know”

Samantha:Damn-I mean they did grow up together,kind of hard to believe she’d crush on him-then again he has my charm”

Salami-Head:Yeah-but he doesn’t like her affections”

Samantha:Well-he should just tell her to stop”

Salami-Head:Tried it,she didn’t listen-honestly they look cute together”

Samantha:Yeah they would.....very cute”

(Colby hears their conversation from his room)

Colby:(’I don’t like her.........I.......don’t......’)”

(At School the next day at lunch Colby is sitting with his buds having a good time until)

Pammie:Oh Colbykins.....”

Rex(Little T-Rex):(With his Lizard boy eyes sees her coming)Yo Colb,here’s your ‘girlfriend’ haha”

Colby:She’s not my Girlfriend Rex.......”

Pammie:I got a pudding for us to share-it’s Vanilla so I won’t poison you”

Lina(Made up creature):(Smirking and chuckling)A non-poisonous Pudding,so romantic haha”

Colby:GRRRR”

Pammie:(Scooping up a spoonful for him)Here you go”

Shaggs(a little sheepdog-literally half dog half sheep)Look she scooped it out for you”

Colby:(Completely angry and growing with Pammie pushing the spoon of pudding on his cheek and his friends laughing finally caused him to have.....)ENOUGH!!!!!!!!”

Pammie:Colby-Kins......?”

Colby:I am not your Colby-kins,I’m not your anything,you’re annoying,you’re stupid and I don’t like,so please for once in your sorry life,LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!”

(Pammie just looks at him and cries,causing Colby to snap back to normal)

Pammie:(Crying and throws the pudding down)Alright you jerk i’ll leave you alone,mmmmmmuhhahaahahahaha(runs off crying)”

(Everyone just looks at Colby with angry expressions)

Colby:What.......the.......Hell.....did I just do?”

Lina:You just broke the heart of your ‘non-girlfriend’and now everyone hates you”

Colby:Dammit.......I should probably apologize to her huh?”

Rex:I think that’s a good idea”

(Though Colby tried to apologize,she just ‘hmph’ and turn away from him,every time she saw him-then the time came for recess)

Colby:So far,no luck,surprise you guys want to stay with the ‘worst person ever’ now”

Lina:Hey we’re buds,thick and thin and all”

Rex:Besides,you need all the help you can get”

(Colby sees and ehres the nasty things people are calling him ‘jerk’,’monster’ and ‘What did Pammie see in him?’ then he sees her again and this time he will apologize....)

Colby:I’m going in-”

(As he walks up to her the others are  saying ‘there he goes’,’probably to break her heart again’,but he ignores them)

Colby:Pammie-we need to talk......”

Pammie:(Not wanting to talk)I got nothing to say to you......”

Colby:Good-because I got something to say to you-I’m sorry for snapping,I shouldn’t have yelled at you,it’s just you’re just so affectionate and it’s humiliating,I should’ve of just ‘cowboyed up’ and spoke the truth to you(she is confused by the ‘Cowboyed up’ part)yeah it’s something my Mom’s boyfriend said,truth is I truly am sorry for what I did”

Pammie:(Touched by his apology,and did agree she did act a little too affectionate but didn’t want to show it)Is that all you got? a stupid apology?”

Colby:Well that(puts his paws on her shoulders)and this(he plants his lips on hers causing the two of them to blush and melt away the problems).......is that good?”

Pammie:(Smiling mad)OH COLBY-KINS!!!!(she kisses him again)”

Lina:Well they’re back together again”

(It’s the end of the school day and Salami-Head is picking Colby up again)

Salami-Head:What up Colbs(sees him holding hands with Pammie)huh?”

Colby:Hey Sal(To Pammie)gotta go bye”

Pammie:Bye Colby-Kins(kisses his cheek)teehee”

Colby:(Get’s in the car and looks at Sal)What?”

Salami-Head:I thought you hated that girl?”

Colby:Actually I hated the overflowing affection,I actually like her”

Salami-Head:Huh-well good for you.....”

(As they’re driving home)

Colby:Oh and Pammie invited us to Dinner at her place”

Salami-Head:Casual or fancy?”

Colby:It’s........fancy......”

Salami-Head:(Not liking ‘fancy’ parties)Swell.......”

(They go over the party as they drive home-and Colby finally accepts Pammie as his girlfriend haha)

THE END