#THE WAY THEYRE CHATTING THE WHOLE TIME THEY WERE OBVIOUSLY SO ATTACHED... and its been that way.. ever since

[3416]

somehow only saw this video for the first time ever last night but it's ruining my life... auston's first ever time stepping onto the ice for the leafs during camp and mitch is right there with him. losing my mind.

[comicteaparty]

September 6th, 2018 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on September 6th, 2018, from 5PM - 7PM PDT.  The chat focused on MORBIDITY by Charu.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing MORBIDITY by Charu~! (https://tapas.io/series/MORBIDITY)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

Superjustinbros

Ello!

RebelVampire

good day, SJ

Superjustinbros

Good day to you as well

RebelVampire

lets see, i think not so much a full scene, but one of my favorite moments is when Yuuto asks Keagan why Keagan let him in if Keagan doesn't recognize him. and keagan just has the best expression while saying he wonders himself. it was such a great insert of comedy in that moment that i couldnt help but laugh. i also think it was kind of a great showcase for keagan's personality as well

Superjustinbros

https://tapas.io/episode/1111726 I dunno why but I got a bit of a chuckle out of this scene

With how... sudden the tone changed

RebelVampire

i do enjoy how confused keagan looks in this part. i like the sense of ominous with that broken piece on the plant though. it screams with beautiful foreshadowing i hope at least.

Superjustinbros

Yeah

RebelVampire

ive also been enjoying how the recent chapter has been going. mostly with how its framed in that we never really get to see who i assume is ryo really. its focused on keagan and i like that it makes ryo seem a tad more mysterious

saetje

My favorite scene is definitely near the end of the content where Ryo starts freaking out/getting corrupted. I think it’s at that point we’re getting a sort of taste for a mood shift that’s going to be happening

Superjustinbros

I couldn't think of a good way to mention that little... episode earlier

but it definitely seems strange(edited)

saetje

I also agree I like that ryo is only seen through Keegan’s eyes right now. Solely focusing on Keegan’s perspective leaves ryo on a pedestal currently. I have a feeling we’re going to learn more about ryo later, but it’s smart to start us off through Kaegan’s eyes

RebelVampire

i like how with the whole mood shift that ryo was super accurate in that he was spoiling the mood. i particularly loved when yuuto caught up to ryo cause at that point just the sheer imagery and what was going on made me feel that the situation was truly dangerous

mathtans

I made it. ^^ Rebel, I liked that same scene, where Yuuto then remarks on how it's good he's trustworthy or whatnot.

Superjustinbros

MATH

mathtans

I didn't even notice the planet, whoa.

Hi all!

Superjustinbros

The end of the chapter looks like the start of some kind of crazy creepypasta(edited)

mathtans

Yuuto's attitude in general is pretty fun in my mind (okay if I play games?) but it definitely took a turn with the reactions towards the end. I think he didn't do his research on Keagan.

RebelVampire

haha it does kind of have a creepypasta vibe. i can picture the reddit thread for r/nosleep now. XD

to be fair to yuuto its been like 16 years so ryo would be a poor source of keagan info and maybe keagan is an internet hermit who doesnt even have facebook

saetje

I think it’s an interesting thought that kaegan’s attachment to Ryo is a little selfish. It seems as though it’s literally tethering Ryo’s ghost from moving on and putting his spirit (and others?) in danger, as well as ruining kaegan’s own relationships and life. Kaegan does seem quite overly obsessed(edited)

mathtans

It's possible. I wonder if Ryo was paying more attention to Keagan for a long time (either of his own volition or not) and only recently got his brother involved... then Yuuto didn't realize how bad things were.

seatje: Agreed. I wonder if maybe he was partly responsible for Ryo's death.

saetje

Oh that’s an interesting thought, math!

RebelVampire

yeah tbh i adore how grey it is. cause you could make an argument equally as valid in saying its selfish for ryo to ask keagan to move on. and i love that cause its what makes the conflict complicated and complex. cause there isnt one right answer cause you just cant make ppl feel things you want to feel at the drop of a hat.

saetje

So true

mathtans

I can't think of another good reason why he'd obsess that much. Even if they were lovers (which is kind of implied), I figure there has to be more to it...?

Yup, humans are a complex mess.

RebelVampire

nah they werent lovers cause huge age diff. i think the summary says it was a one-sided crush.

Superjustinbros

Right they are, math

RebelVampire

so theres def something fishy going on here

mathtans

I'm actually kind of reminded of a serial I wrote on a similar topic, which occurred to me as I was reading too. It's a good theme to build on.

saetje

I’m a little confused by the timeline- was kaegan young and just had a crush on an older ryo or did they get to a point of being consenting lovers?

Oh! Rebel answered

mathtans

Rebel: Ahh, good point, missed that. Guess I jumped to conclusions given the circumstances of when we first heard the name.

RebelVampire

“Nine year old Keagan had a onesided crush on eightteen year old Ryo. Then, Ryo died. Nearly sixteen years later Ryo's little brother Yuuto comes into Keagan's life to tell him to "get over Ryo's death".”

just so everyone can be on the same page

Superjustinbros

Thanks, Rebel.

RebelVampire

i take the implication to be that ryo died when keagan was 9

saetje

Okay, there you go! Thank you

RebelVampire

which man, props to keagan for A+ memory. i barely remember anything from when i was 9 XD

mathtans

Could still have been somewhat responsible though, even if young.

I barely remember things from last week sometimes. O.o

Superjustinbros

I remember a lot of things from my childhood

just saying

I practically remember how all the rooms in my house looked when I was that age

saetje

I was just thinking that, ha. Sixteen years is a long time to hold onto something, especially from childhood in such a strong way. But I guess it was also such a traumatic event for him, which tends to stick more too

Superjustinbros

and how my schools looked at the time I attended.

RebelVampire

yeah i guess if were being fair id have remembered a traumatic death. but it implies super closeness i think that goes beyond a one-sided crush. so theres definitely more to see there

QUESTION 2. While it’s clear that Keagan and Ryo had past history, a lot is left to question. How do you believe Keagan and Ryo met, especially considering their age difference? Why do you think Keagan crushed so hard on Ryo despite the age difference between them? Do you think the attachment to Ryo was born purely out of affection, or do you think there’s more to Keagan’s past that explains the attachment? Do you think the way Ryo died has something to do with why Keagan can’t move forward? Or is it something in general perhaps about Keagan’s past history with Ryo? Lastly, why do you think Keagan remembers Ryo so well but seems completely clueless about Yuuto?

gives self A+ for beautiful segway

mathtans

Or segue, even.

saetje

Oh that’s true- how could he not know yuuto?

mathtans

Maybe Yuuto's a half-brother?

saetje

I have a thought that yuuto may be a trans man? So perhaps he transitioned and presented as a girl on the past?

Superjustinbros

I wonder, if Ryo didn't die, would Keagan find it more easy to move forward?

mathtans

Yuuto's also younger, so maybe Ryo left home at 16 or something and didn't talk about his family.

saetje

Just feels as though the artist is fairly good at drawing anatomy of all sexes, not shying away from lgbt content, and yuuto seems intentionally more slender and androgynous. But it’s just a passing thought/hunch , I could be wrong

mathtans

On the topic of how they met... maybe they met online first? Or through some sort of spiritual connection? That could also explain the difficulty in letting go.

saetje

Yeah it’s also possible he never met Yuuto?

Superjustinbros

What was technology like back when Keagan was younger

I wonder

mathtans

Saeje: Could be, I guess based on some of the Q&A stuff I just see him as a guy with his own style.

Superjustinbros

Cause when I was that age the internet was like, brand new

mathtans

That who never met Yuuto, Keagan or Ryo himself?

saetje

Ah, I tend to skim q&a stuff so it’s possible I missed some key character insights

RebelVampire

dont discount the trans theory. never impossible. and i assume theyre following our time line so internet was probably like it was 16 years ago.

i feel like keagan must of met yuuto tho

just cause yuuto showed up thinking keagan would obviously know him somehow

and if they never met there is no reason for yuuto to assume that

and in all honesty it seems most likely that keagan met ryo through yuuto

just cause yuuto and keagan seem closer in age maybe

mathtans

I guess I just assumed that the "would obviously know" part came from the fact that if you're obsessing over a guy for 15+ years, you'd look into his family. Come to think, maybe they met at the funeral and Keegan simply doesn't recall that.

Assuming that there was a funeral, and it's not a case of Ryo's body vanishing after being murdered by an evil demon that Keagan unleashed upon the world.

saetje

just found this on the 'q&a' section, but might not be canon:(edited)

mathtans

(Oh no, new channel, I can't do my trolling face...)

Superjustinbros

Dawwww!!!

saetje

so I'm probably wrong aaand! I guess they did know each other, but it's just likely Kaegan didn't recognize him right away. I mean his style did change quite a lot

mathtans

Right, I saw that, I guess I didn't immediately think it was an actual photo as much as an artist rendering.

RebelVampire

ah yeah i was just gonna point that image out from the Q&A!

mathtans

Yuuto dyes the hair now.

Superjustinbros

well people do change a lot when they age

mathtans

I wonder if he went into the practice in part because of whatever happened to Ryo.

Maybe it used to be Ryo's thing.

Now gotta pick up the slack in the family.

RebelVampire

yeah to be fair if yuuto and keagan lost contact, of course he probably doesnt recognize yuuto after 16 years old.

Superjustinbros

Exactly

saetje

yeah

RebelVampire

and yuuto is silly in retrospect to expect that. but hard to say what the nature of the relationship was

maybe keagan and yuuto were bestest friends, yuuto introduced keagan to ryo, and then keagan was like "who are you im busy crushing on this cool older fellow"

saetje

It's not improbable they (kaegan and yuuto) were friends first, and Kaegan just crushed real bad on the older brother, which would also make sense why it was so one-sided but they would also be hanging out (as he was probably hanging out with/chaperoning his little brother, and consequently his little brother's friends as well)(edited)

mathtans

Maybe it's something a bit more supernatural. Like, Keagan tried some sort of "forget" spell on Ryo but it backfired so much that he forgot Yuuto instead.

RebelVampire

thatd be tragic, tho would be more likely itd be yuuto doing the spell casting.

albeit to this notion of keagan and yuuto being friends, we dont really see yuuto in the flashbacks so far so its also possible something else was going on. like ryo was keagan's tutor or something

im gonna go out on a limb and suspect that keagan did not have a happy home life

and thus the attachment to ryo cause ryo was an adult who was showing him kindness

mathtans

That's a very good thought.

Interesting how in the bit of flashback we've seen, Ryo is trying to get Keagan to skate on his own, metaphor for life?

Superjustinbros

Oh yea

That would traumatize someone, seeing an adult that they once loved died

RebelVampire

oh ya know what, i wasnt even reading that scene metaphorically. good catch, math~!

metaphorically i certainly is very telling of what keagan is feeling

mathtans

Seems like even back then, before Ryo died, Keagan had issues. Tied in with your unhappy home life thing.

Superjustinbros

^

RebelVampire

but im just taking a stab in the dark tbf. i just feel like theres gotta be more than one-sided crush. and that ryo's death is tied up in personal demons

albeit you could be right that keagan somehow caused ryo's death

mathtans

Keagan introduced the cat, not knowing about the deadly cat allergy.

RebelVampire

has it been stated how ryo died?

mathtans

If so, I missed it.

I just offer up my crazy theories.

RebelVampire

i dont recall either so how ryo died could have a lot to do with things even if keagan didnt cause it

QUESTION 3. The entire plot of the comic is essentially based around one question: will Keagan be able to move on from Ryo? What do you think is holding Keagan back exactly? Is it fear of the future without Ryo, true love, or some sort of inner demon? Do you think Keagan is sincere when he says he has tried to move on, or do you suspect self-sabotage? Even if Keagan gets over Ryo, do you think Ryo will successfully be able to move on? How do you even think Keagan might get over Ryo? Also, what do you think Yuuto and/or Suzy’s role if any might be in helping him move forward? Finally, do you have any theories in general for future events of the comic?

mathtans

I feel like it's one of those things where after you move on, you're worried you'll forget details... which is true enough. But Keagan's got himself so tied up in it that he might forget things about himself. I don't know that it's anything external.

RebelVampire

oh ya know what, i never thought of it from that perspective. that he doesnt want to move on cause hes afraid of all the memories vanishing in the breeze

mathtans

Also, I think Keagan might have tried to move on in the past, but after it didn't work a couple times he just goes through the motions now to appease others around him.

Not just memories of Ryo, but memories of how happy he was back then. Maybe the happiest he'd ever been?

Superjustinbros

Perhaps

Then again it can be hard to move on form something

and even if you do, memories of what happened can still haunt you(edited)

RebelVampire

tbf this makes me reconsider that maybe keagan's attachment is not bred from a bad past, but a lackluster present.

Superjustinbros

That could be the case

RebelVampire

in that maybe keagan has continually had life issues that have made him cling to that happiness

like what does keagan do for a living even O_O maybe he missed out on dat dream job

mathtans

Could be a bit of both.

Maybe he's an insurance salesman.

"Please buy this life insurance... I have this whole story about how sad people will be if you die..."

RebelVampire

spirit insurance. if only yuuto had come to him sooner, yuuto couldve gotten ryo's spirit state ensured. yuuto is gonna miss out on that sweat afterlife policy money now

in regards to keagan's sincerity in trying to move on, i actually think it was subconscious self-sabotage. so in that he was doing everything he was told mentally and physically, but there was that small tiny part of his brain continually whispering how nothing would ever be right again without ryo

mathtans

Which reminds me, I wonder where Yuuto had to go to get the stone.

There probably was some self-sabotage, or at least Ryo seemed keen on calling him on that.

Maybe Yuuto was guided to find the stone by Ryo...? Wait, no, because Ryo didn't even think it would work. We're not sure what any of their day jobs are, are we?

RebelVampire

well yuuto said he was a spirit medium. albeit doesnt mean thats a career technically speaking. idk if being a spirit medium can pay these days without people staring and accusing you of being a fraud. or ya know if you get a reality tv show.

cleary the entire comic is just a tv show hoax so yuuto can become the most prolific spirit medium on tv

mathtans

A spirit medium's rare.

He seems to know what he's doing though. I wonder if Ryo sought him out for that reason, or if it's just a freebie for the family.

Superjustinbros

Now that'd be quite a twist

RebelVampire

that or ryo just had nowhere to go. i mean its like theres much to do as a ghost i imagine

cause you cant touch things or anything

or talk to anyone

you just float around and look at stuff

but considering the cover to chapter 1, i will say that its not just keagan holding ryo back. cause ryo is clearly chained to both yuuto and keagan and i dont think yuuto has quite moved on himself.

mathtans

Oh, that's an interesting point with the visual. Does the chaining work both ways, I wonder, or is it a matter of Yuuto's moved on but is still linked to Ryo out of necessity?

Ghost karaoke might be pretty neat.

Superjustinbros

Poor Ryo :<

For real tho ghost karaoke sounds metal as heck(edited)

mathtans

As far as the future of the comic goes, I figure we'll see the results of a spirit being darkened somehow, either directly or in the history books or something.

RebelVampire

oooooh

did not consider that but i hope thats the case

that we actually get to see a vengeful spirit not ryo

cause i feel like keagan is the type who goes by the mantra seeing is believing

in the sense that yuuto will tell him, keagan will be like "suuuure"

and then vengeful spirit will be seen and keagan will be like "RYO NOOOOOO"

mathtans

"You see this building?" "No." "That's because a ghost KNOCKED IT DOWN." "Ahhhh!" ^.^

Do you think Ryo can see other spirits? Like, would have an idea of what's happening to himself? Or is it not obvious internally?

RebelVampire

idk about seeing other spirits but maybe? i do think ryo has some idea about whats happening to him tho. cause i get the impression that its not so much the spirit ceases to be themselves as it is that they become engulfed in their own emotional vengence and can think of nothing else

mathtans

Ryo: "Look, the ghost of Christmas Future."

RebelVampire

but dont quote me on that, cause theres a lot to be learned about spirits

mathtans

Ooh, emotional vengence is an interesting one... do you think Ryo might hurt Keagan? (And that Keagan would just totally take it?)

RebelVampire

QUESTION 4. Events in the comic come about solely because of the actions of the mysterious Yuuto. Do you believe Yuuto’s motivations are purely to protect his brother’s spirit, or do you think he might be up to something else? How do you think Yuuto wound up becoming a spirit medium? Was it family tradition, a career choice for Yuuto to connect with spirits (and his brother by extension), or was it happenstance? Considering it’s been 16 years, why do you think Yuuto waited so long to come to Keagan? Did Ryo’s spirit only come to Yuuto’s attention recently, or did Yuuto feel no need to take action until Ryo was becoming a vengeful spirit? Additionally, why do you think Ryo has been stable as a spirit over all those years and is only now coming undone? What consequences would there be if Ryo became a vengeful spirit at the end?

RebelVampire

if ryo became of vengful spirit then yes

cause the vengful part implies vengence

and clearly the vengence is gonna be aimed at the ppl not letting you move on

Superjustinbros

Well it's part of the name

mathtans

Could just be aimed at humans in general. Or for that matter, at spirit mediums, maybe that's part of the reason Yuuto's motivated. Doesn't want ghosts messing up his profession.

RebelVampire

could be. it actually would also depend how mindful of vengful spirit is. cause if theyre driven by pure emotion than they might not be consciously able to target their hurt and just lash out at anyone

mathtans

Also, maybe Ryo hasn't been stable as a spirit over all those years? Maybe he was more etherial, and it's only in the last year or so that he's been able to manifest himself to Yuuto.

RebelVampire

that could be

Superjustinbros

Seems like that could be the case, @mathtans

He's never been stable cause he's had someone latching onto him for years

even in death

He can never escape affection

RebelVampire

or ya know, we have no idea how long yuuto has been a medium

maybe yuuto has literally been a medium for all of 2 weeks

and just happens to be smug about it XD

mathtans

He graduated from being a small last year.

Maybe he's not even the most powerful medium in town, just the one most connected? Keagan might seek out others for more information.

I wonder if Ryo can possess people, now that he's levelling up.

saetje

That would be scary

I’m interested to know how like a corrupted ghost like ryo could/will harm those around them

mathtans

Oh! Maybe Keagan is just a prognosticator, because Ryo is going to possess Suzy, and that's why he used the name at the start.

"I have foreseen this."

Superjustinbros

Guess this is gonig further into the idea that this story's gonna get a lot more creepier

mathtans

I think it can still be lighthearted though. In fact, that makes some of the other moments (a la Release Me) all the more eye opening.

Superjustinbros

Yea

good point

RebelVampire

possession would certainly be quite dangerous. though idk how that fulfills vengence. unless the plan is to possess keagan, spend all keagan's money, and then roll out

Superjustinbros

Christ

that's cold

mathtans

"I spent it all on potato chips."

Superjustinbros

I would totally do that

RebelVampire

if im going to assume yuuto is actually also chaining ryo to the mortal plane, i actually want to assume ryo has been around for a while and yuuto himself just didnt want to do anything about it. and was like "nah its fine well get you to move on soon bro lets spend time together." and only now when ryo is going crazy is yuuto like "oops"

but this begs a question suddenly

how the heck did they even know its keagan's fault?

like is there magic ghost senses going on here?

are they just visiting everyone who knew ryo and accusing them?

Superjustinbros

All this time I was thinking "who is this ghost boy just chilling around everyone" until I noticed it's Ryo

mathtans

I suppose I just figured that Ryo would know who was tying him down/thinking of him.

Given the need to have the stone, I don't think they'd be walking around semi-randomly.

I'm also not convinced that Yuuto is tying him down. Maybe he's just acting as an anchor, like, to keep you from getting pulled way over there to the dark places, hold onto a piece of me.

Superjustinbros

I can see that

mathtans

Though it could have morphed into something else over all this time.

Maybe even something neither of them see.

What with both of them wearing glasses.

Superjustinbros

Lol

mathtans

Actually, any comments on art style? I'm very bad for really noticing that stuff. Nice shading though?

Superjustinbros

It's got some good shading, I'll say.

Backgrounds aren't super detailed but that's alright since they're not the focus

https://tapas.io/episode/1089748 Though some of the more trippy ones like these are cool

mathtans

Spirit craziness.

Superjustinbros

Playing with spirits is some really trippy stuff

"What kind of drugs are you taking"

mathtans

That androgynous look that sae brought up is a good point too; I can see it, but Yuuto still comes across as male (and in the genderbend art for q&a as female).

RebelVampire

visually i think the comic stands out most when the tone shifts to the creepy. cause thats when the effects really are A+ and just capture that nice unsettling feel

Superjustinbros

Exactly

saetje

I think the art is pretty good! Artist has a good eye for anatomy, I appreciate the character designs.

I agree the art style is neat when it gets creepy

Superjustinbros

Anatomy especially

Plus the creepy stuff is out of place that it can surprise the viewer when comparing it to the comic's normal art

saetje

Yeah, they vary their body types and really understand anatomy! Very solid character construction

Superjustinbros

Indeed

saetje

Ohh yeah good point Superjustinbros

It sort of gives this vibe of duality

Superjustinbros

Indeed

Like you got a normal world

and a creepy spiritual one

like dimensional rifts between two universes that don 't belong

saetje

Yeah!

mathtans

I liked seeing how some of the character designs shifted in the behind the scenes stuff.

As for my usual shipping thoughts.... hmmm... Suzy and Yuuto? He did feel bad for her. ^.-

saetje

He also seemed to check her out walking up the stairs

RebelVampire

i do hope suzy has a role in this because at the very least i hope she gets her underwear back XD

saetje

Ha! Also bras are expensive so, yeah, definitely.

mathtans

Oh, right! That little whistle.

Superjustinbros

Gotta go for that underwear! XD

saetje

She needs those back

Superjustinbros

Definitely

mathtans

It's interesting that Yuuto has an earring which is an inverted cross too, I think.

Superjustinbros

Well this is the last minute, so I'd like to say good luck to charuchii on continuing the comic.

mathtans

I'm all for more Suzy partly to see if she has some girl friends she talks to as well. Normal people.

Superjustinbros

It was fun chatting~

mathtans

It's a very interesting premise!

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Charu, as well, for making MORBIDITY. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Charu’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: https://tapas.io/series/MORBIDITY

Charu’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/charuchii

Comic Tea Party- Thursday Book Club

Next week’s Thursday Book Club will be about Gemini Journey by Tracy MacLauchlan & Yesenia Carrero. For participants, you have the next week to read as much of the comic as you would like~! We hope to see you on Thursday, September 13th, from 5PM to 7PM PDT for the chat in #thursday_bookclub!

Comic’s Main Site: http://geminijourney.com/

Comic’s LINE Webtoon Mirror: https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/gemini-journey/list?title_no=111693

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i just ... dont feel right inside of myself. like something is slowly leaking into my brain. yesterday i slept for a good portion of the day at his house, then went to sleep around 10pm. when i woke up yesterday it was to an alarm at 5:40. i told him the alarm had given me anxiety straight away - i had to search for the phone in my bag and couldnt find it right away. 

he said it was okay and reminded me that its just because the day is starting and if today is not good i have to remember there is a tomorrow and tomorrow might be better. he told me that i have to remember not to give up and to keep doing what im doing because im doing good. 

i dont feel like im doing good. i dont feel like im progressing like i should be but like.. i put some weight on medication solving many issues and it did but it did not solve the underlying issue which i think my doctor recognized right away. 

and i really appreciate my doctor. i really appreciate that there is someone of professional studied calibre to say - hey, you know what. you went through a lot of shit. youre not fucked for not being able to cope. the majority of people dont go through what youve gone through. and they probably wont. 

and thats it you know - like i want a level of sympathy but not pity. i want the understandng of how important it is to my life that i do not have parents or a family. that is a huge defining factor of so many things. and its not because i needed them to take care of me. thats not it at all. i am perfectly capable of caring for myself - in fact; ive done so for most of my life. i cared FOR THEM so its not laziness. its not me going out in the world and crying about how i have to be an adult. ive been an adult since i was 10. like since i hit puberty, ive been an adult. ive taken on adult responsibilities an handled adult situations since i was 10. and thats 17 years. my doctor brought this up himself - he recognized that ive had 17 years of dealing with trauma that most people dont deal with or deal with at amuch much older age when theyre able to cope. i grew up in trauma. i was built by trauma. 

my doctor actually repeats it a lot - you lost both of your parents. like its not the excuse - its the reason why i am struggling. i dont need anxiety about why im struggling or why i cant get better; there is a reason. he is giving me the answer that im looking for. 

last night i was very upset. he asked if i wanted to go for a walk or refocus or stretch or talk about it. but i just felt very very upset. i told him that i had felt very isolated for the past few weeks. but not because i spend time alone. i have no problem spending time alone. i was an only child, i learned to cope with being alone and i found peace in it. being alone is very peaceful. 

but you dont be alone forever. you cant just _be_ alone unless you literally isolate yourself and live off the land. like you have to revert back to cavemen times to be entirely alone. and i’m not interested in that; people realized by banding together you accomplish more and i’m not going to go against proof of a millenium of years. so people; all people - every single person is important. they might not be important to YOU but theyre important to SOMEONE so theyre important, you know? everyone is important; everyone i meet will affect my life in some way. 

but this isolation is not in a lack of meeting people. ive been around people. ive had options and choices to be around even more people. but when im around people and i try to relate with them or have a conversation ... i dont care? like i care, i care about whats happening with them but like i have no sense of relation to them. like theyre hanging out with cousins or family or they have this wedding to go to and their cat dies and its the worst thing that happens or their grandma dies and people are sooo sympathetic and thats not my experience of life? like i have not had that experience of life. so i’m carrying a lot of resentment and bitterness towards life itself right now. and i feel like i have to reprogram myself to be okay that i didnt have the exprience a majority of people have and continue to have. so its kind of an ongoing battle to be like - hey, its okay you dont have a mother. its okay you dont have a father. its okay no one really cares if youre dead or alive. just keep doing you.

i guess in some ways im envious of people who have good mothers. i always wanted to have a good mother. and you know what? it would be amazing to have a good mother right now. even as an adult. that would be really nice. i feel like if i had a good mother i could sit down and chat with her and she would be invested in my life and give me weird advice i dont know if id take but maybe i would and she’d make cookies or maybe shed buy cookies and give them to me but either way im getting cookies. and then you know maybe at the end she slips me 20$ for bus money or something - you know moms and i go off to work or something. 

i’m not really asking a lot of a mom, i guess. i have pretty low expectations. it’d be great if they didnt hurt me. i feel like ive been hurt a lot. even by my father - maybe unintentionally. like it hurt that he didnt care enough to be well. and he couldve. he really couldve. i feel like there was a lot of senseless death around me. i feel like no one cares. like people literally died because no one cares. thats how serious life is. i cant unshake that. its not like a belief i have. its my truth. its what ive lived. 

but im not delusional, you know? i can obviously see people caring. like the bubble i grew up in - no one fucking cares. not a single ass person givesa  fuck and i think we were all developed in our own ways to not give a fuck beyond ourselves because maybe this whole bubble was just survival. 

but i can see it exists. i can see its not beyond a human being to care. i can see it with my own eyes so thats also a truth. but i feel resentful its not a truth for me; as much as i’ve tried to have it be and not just with my parents and not just within my bubble. but it cant be the whole truth because life has variables. 

like i feel very attached to him right now because he is a variable. and i hate to create this like.. level of heavy importance on who he is and who he is to me because to me it feels like life or death. not that iw ould die. its very unlikely i would kill myself over him. like ... theres too many other reasons for it to land on him, honestly. but its life or death of my hope in the world as i know it. this is like the one last shot, one last chance of being proven that not every person i meet is going to be an asshole. that i have atleast the CHANCE for love, support, care & understanding. 

but thats because of who he is. not because i came into it with the hope that hewould do this for me. i never had an expectation for him - ever. i was pretty fed up and just kind of went with whatever was going on in all of life. but he became a variable because as i got to know him, i realized how good of a person he is and how much he cares for me.

one of the biggest things that gives me so much... i dont even know. like something good that is undescribable. he is not like.. some next level person or anything. hes just a normal guy, but because hes capable of being ... i dont even know if its mature or adult because adult men older than him have been worse and have been worse to me. like, to me this is transcendent in a very deep scar that has been within me for a long time regarding men and sex.

i have been treated terribly in most of my relationships. if not all of them. and a good amount of that treatment has come in the form of sex. men have not given a single fuck about me in a relationship when it comes to sex. i am an obligation. they deserve sex because theyre in a relationship with me and thats what we do. thats just how it is. even in terrible times, you know? even in the worst of times, they’d still be trying to fuck. and its fine - really, maybe thats a nature of a man. but if it is - and you overcome that nature to display a level of fucking respect, thank you. 

i think he understood before i said it last night, but i described it outloud - i have bigger problems than your passive need for an orgasm. life is a lot bigger and harder than this. it’s a lot more real. he had made a sarcastic and joking comment when i was scrolling on my phone (in view of him, on instagram) to stop talking to all my boyfriends. my gut reaction was a very stern, rolling of the eyes kind of “sure”. i understood he was joking but to me it was so stupid - so stupid - that even as a joke i wouldnt entertain the idea of it when i do in fact feel anxiety on a constant basis to a point that even thinking about other men or other people in such a way is a waste of my time and something i’m really not interested in. having “more” boyfriends or additional relationships honestly progresses nothing in my life. the relationship and friendship i have with him is acknowledgable as incredibly important. 

i think weve had sex once in three weeks. not because no one is interested in being physical, and not because we’ve become distant in any way, but because its not the most important thing to do right now. its not really really necessary. i believe he almost understands it as just a physical need that is natural like a sneeze or take a shit. which sounds terrible, sex should be more than that - and it is, but when you’re overcome with the need or the urge for such a thing, you may be lonely or you may just have an urge - like an urge for eating mcdonalds or chocolate. you dont need to satisfy that urge by creating multiple parterships and fucking all sorts of people. it can be as simple as jacking off and moving on in your day. 

though, truthfully, i enjoy having sex with him. he’s created a trust level that has allowed me to sincerely enjoy it and when we have sex, even when it’s a quick thing, it feels like he really appreciates that i’m offering my body to him. whether or not i was still fairly asexual, whether or not i had an inherent desire, i was still offering my body to him for him to use. it’s hard not to feel like you’re in a passive/submissive position when you’re the one being prodded; even if you take enjoyment from it. but maybe its just me. i dont know. regardless i feel lik the position is respected. 

sometimes, i feel like a true ‘queen’. he treats me so well and has given me such legitimate deep care. when i speak about even the few things he does for me, on his own accord, i feel like there are some who are envious / jealous and try to express somethig their boyfriend does for them; like it’s an one-up contest. instead of appreciating that there’s someone - anyone - in my 27 years of life who gives a fuck enough to show me such treatment, they try to extole the virtues of their own partners. 

but there are some i feel appreciate it. why shouldnt i be treated like that? why shouldnt he braid my hair, feed me fruit, make me cakes, dance with me to flashdance when im sad? why? i didnt ask for any of these things (i asked for cake) - why dont i deserve someone who wants to do these things? not only does he do this - he frequently, if not on a daily basis, looks at me in clear honesty and tells me i look pretty or that my clothes look good, or my hair looks nice. if i manage to put on makeup, he always acknowledges it. if i dont, i’m still told i’m beautiful. 

one time he told me it and i told him he always tells me it when i kind of look terrible - like i havent showered in a few days or i forgot to brush my teeth or wash my face or brush my hair. i’m a mess, most of the time. he told me he could see “underneath all of that”, as a joke. 

he was - and told me - he’d talk to that girl last night. i fell asleep and he was awake for maybe a half an hour or so but i dont know if he did or not. i truly dont care. i feel like the only reason he cares is a perceived notion tht i have something aganst her personally; which i dont. her existence only matters because of his past connection to her, otherwise i wouldn’t know of her at all. and his past connections are so far in the past and so meaningless to the present that i legitimately dont care. thats not his life or my life or our life anymore. 

and i guess thats kind of a way i grew as a person. and he might not even realize that, which is okay. but like - i’d definitely, in the past, hold a lot of resentment and bitterness and distrust in a person who has done some of the things he has done. but he’s never lied. and that’s like.... that’s real. he has never once even attempted to hide or lie anything. ever. and knowing things makes life better. knowing whats happening around you and why and who the person youre dealing with is and why they do things and what theyve done before - it’s a choice. you can choose to be involved when its all laid out or you can leave. your choice. are you hurt or do you move on? 

i really appreciate that level of honesty for once in my life. for all the liars and theives ad fucked up people ive been around, i need that. and i am a mostly honest person with him. which is bad. like to use mostly is already bad. and if i was entirely honest, it’d probably be okay, but i have shame in what i did. and again - no interest in being with others, so i’ve not been with anyone since weve been together. i havent even spoken to other people. 

this morning he asked how i felt. i said about the same. but he let me wake up in a more natural way instead of rushing me or waking me up himself and it helped a bit. as he was driving me home he said something like, “baby girl, even though you’re upset you still have to find me funny”. i told him i wasnt upset. he said “well sad or unwell or whatever, you still have to find me funny”. as i got out of the car, he repeated that he loved me a few times and to have a good day. i told him to text me later, he told me he’d call and see how i was doing. 

his concern makes me feel like at least taking a shower is worth doing in my day.