#THE WAY I'VE HAD THIS ALBUM ON A LOOP FOR THE PAST LIKE TWO WEEKS

[oneforthemunny]

i'm not entirely sure what prompted this. to be utterly honest, the holidays are rough sometimes, and i've been kind of struggling so here's this bc this is how i cope now :)

tw: mentions of loss, grief, depression.

“...at the tone, please record your message.” 

Beep.

“Uh, hey. It’s-It’s Eddie. I, uh, I was just calling to, uh- I was just wanting to check on ya. I haven’t heard from you in a couple of days, sweetheart, and I know you’ve been busy. I just… Yeah, gimme a call back when you can, alright? I still got those VHS’s. Rentals not due for a couple of days. I’d-I’d really like to see you. Just… call me back when you get this. Even if it’s late. Love you.” 

The lights on your tree started to blur, water-stained with blinding, swirling tears of guilt. Settled on your couch, in the same crumpled position that you fell into as soon as you got off work, waves of exhaustion consuming you, but sleep never came easily. 

The most wonderful time of the year was a stretch, a mockery of a term that felt poisoned and back handed. With every happy, glowy commercial, all smiling families and sing-songy laugh; it made you feel sick at the falseness of it all. 

It had been four days since you last spoke to Eddie, nearing two weeks since you saw him in person. Not out of spite, or a fight like it had been in the past. This time, it was you- all you. 

The message on the receiver played on a loop, you jammed your finger on the button, letting it sound off its automated message before his voice filled the silent space in the room. You missed the sound of his voice, the warmth behind it so comforting in this frigid winter. It might be better to call him, actually hear him and talk to him, but every time you reached for the phone, you couldn’t dial his number. That would mean you’d have to talk, have to say something, tell him why you’d been so MIA, and that required a strength you didn’t have yet. 

Somewhere between the late night talk show coming on, but not before your neighbor’s lights turned off, there was a knock at your door. You figured it was your neighbor across from you, Mrs. Jennings, always bringing you baked treats in festive sweaters, leaving with a hearty “Merry Christmas!” that always had you crumbling inside. 

“Baby?” Your body stilled, breath caught in your lungs at the sound, like he might be able to see you through the door. 

“Hey, I-I know you’re in there.” Eddie’s voice was soft, muffled by the heavy wood of your door. “Not to sound like a total fuckin’ stalker or anything. I just… I wanna make sure you’re ok?” 

Your mind screamed at you to move, to go answer the door, to reply, to do anything. 

The lock jiggled, a squeak and a creak before the door was opening softly- hesitantly, like he was scared of what he might find on the other side. “Babe?” Eddie’s eyes scanned the small kitchen area, your purse slung on the table, shoes kicked off by the door into a pile. 

“You alright? I-I called you a coupla times, actually, and I just wanted to make sure you were ok.” His voice was tight, heavy soled steps on the carpet. 

You knew he saw you by the way he stopped. Halted behind the couch, hovering over a collapsed you on the couch. Tear stained sweatshirt sleeves under your head, an array of photo albums you always kept tucked in the top of the storage closet down the hall, memories sprawled out on the coffee table, creased on the edges from your shaky grasp. 

The one closest to you had his stomach dropping. He’d seen her before, the solemn looks and shaky breaths that you and your family gave when you’d pass the outdated family portrait in your home. Plastered on the wall with matching bright smiles, but looming with a haunting, sickening feeling. Eddie knew the feeling, a little too well. 

“Oh.” Eddie breathed before he could help himself. 

You wanted to sob, felt the burn of it in your throat, curling into yourself. 

“No, no, no, I-I didn’t-” Eddie’s eyes darted frantically, reaching out towards you, but never touching you. He knew what this felt like, knew the embarrassment and vulnerability, the shame and dread. 

He knew what it felt like. 

Silently, he sank next to you on the couch, careful of the delicate photos, placing them out of the way with a gentleness that had you sniffling, swallowing down a whimpering cry. A hand on your back, pulling your body into his, letting the weight of you settle onto his chest. 

Your face moved into the soft cotton of his tee. He’d smoked on the way over here, though it was comforting. Nose rubbing against his chest, clinging to the fabric next to you in a fisted clutch. Eddie’s arms around your frame, holding you firmly yet so softly at the same time. 

Your neighbor’s lights were off by the time you finally spoke. 

“I was in line at Melvald’s getting wrapping paper,” You croaked, voice raspy with emotions, cheek still pressed to Eddie’s chest. You could hear his heartbeat. “And they started playing this song. The Christmas one by The Partridge Family?” 

Eddie nodded slowly, hand still gliding soothingly up and down your spine. He could feel your shaky breath through his fingertips. “She, uh,” You swallowed around the words. “She used to love that song. Would always sing it when we’d put the trimmings on the tree. My mom would have that hanging tinsel you know?” 

“Yeah.” 

“And,” Your tone fell at the thought, at the mention of her again. “She’d always play this song on a loop. Would throw it around, all over the branches just to piss my mom off.” Your lips curled at the memory. You always laughed when she did that. Now you couldn’t because you knew she’d never do it again. 

There was a moment, a beat of silence in the still room. “Anyways, I…I was going to get wrapping paper because I’m so fucking behind on wrapping and-and buying, because I’ve been working-” 

“-You’ve been working a lot.” Eddie’s eyes cut down to you, carefully. 

You sighed, a shudder of a breath in. “Yeah. I know.” It was soft, an apology. You didn’t need to, but Eddie was glad to hear it. Selfishly, he was relieved that his fears that this was somehow his fault, that he’d done something to upset you, weren’t true. 

“I just… I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to be busy? I felt like if I stayed busy, I wouldn’t really get to think about it. Get this holiday over with and then I wouldn’t feel so…” You didn’t really know what to say, how to describe the feeling. 

“No, I… I get it.” Eddie nodded slowly, staring off in the colorful strands of lights glimmering from the tree in the far corner of the room. “My mom used to wear that, uh, that Pond's stuff to bed. The face stuff with the green lid?” You nodded slowly, cheek still smushed against his chest. 

“And right after she passed, I-I was in middle school, right? Seventh grade. And we had a sub and… fuck, she smelled just like that cream.” Eddie shook his head softly at the memory. “She just walked past me to make sure we were reading, and I smelled it and… I just ran out of the classroom because I didn’t want to cry in front of everyone. But, like, running out wasn’t much better.” 

You snorted softly, light enough to have Eddie’s gaze peering back down to you, heart skipping in his chest. “Yeah, I would say that might make it worse.” 

“Wasn’t very smooth.” Eddie nodded. “Just running out of the classroom seemed better than crying.” 

You paused for a moment, lips puckered in a pout. “It’s weird.” You muttered, still looking ahead. “How you’re just out and the smallest things just… send you over the edge.” 

“Yeah.” Eddie sighed. “Grief’s a weird thing.” 

“Really weird.” You mumbled. 

Eddie ducked his chin down, let his nose press into your scalp, breathing in your scent, pressing a kiss to your hair. “I’m here for you, you know?” He muttered, the vibrations from his words tickling your scalp. “For when it gets weird. You don’t… this sounds really fuckin’ cheesy and I’m sorry, but you don’t have to do it by yourself. Don’t have to be alone.” 

You weren’t sure what to say. Not sure you could even speak if you did know what to say, the growing lump in your throat strangling you. Instead, you clung tighter to his shirt, pressed yourself further into the warm, inviting hold that felt familiar and calming. 

Eddie would go and get the wrapping paper for you tomorrow, even help you wrap a few gifts. He’d help you carefully put up the photos with a gentleness that would have your heart fluttering. But for now, he held you, fingers moving down your spine, chin pressed to the top of your head, pulling you closer to him on the tiny couch.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Jimin - Muse (2024)

3/5 ☆

I thought it'd get me several days to come back here with some thoughts on Muse, but it proved it's not necessary.

Who as title track makes complete sense. We're still into 90s nostalgia, but it's a recipe that works. Not just in kpop, but pop in general. Looking at the charts, it paints a pretty clear picture for the last couple of years. Add the zoomer idea of a what a Y2K aesthetic is like and we get the recipe for today's music and concept. Repeat, reuse, recycle. How fitting for postmodernism.

Who is a really catchy tune, with lyrics easy to remember and sing out loud. A tad more commercial-sounding than Like Crazy, but that's Muse overall anyway. The truth is, I have the song on loop (streamers can't come for me, lol). I think Jimin's style of singing and the melody itself are a good fit. Lyric wise, it's sort of basic, but this is pop music made for mass consumption. I don't mind it. It's also radio friendly and definitely has the potential for summer hit, but I'm 99% sure it won't turn into one. BH won't move a finger to send it to radio and it's another song that will fall victim to fandom mass streaming to chart high for one week. I've seen this all before.

It's also a shame to have this released when an artist is away, without being able to properly promote it. In my non-expert opinion, it could have been released as a single a few months later after Face and scratch the rest of Muse or keep it in the drafts.

As to the other songs, perhaps Rebirth (Intro) is the only other song on the album that has something to it, it stands out a bit more and it also bridges the two albums, despite the connection being sort of flimsy.

Having Sofia Carson on Slow Dance had brought nothing to the song. It could have been a full Jimin track all the way. Her style of singing does not stand out and I find it a failed pair because there's no contrast or voices complementing each other. Jimin can sing just like her. If a collab is really wanted/needed/necessary, then I'd wish for a pairing that also makes sense vocal-wise.

Be Mine is ok, but it sounds too much like that one TXT song and I simply can't get over past it. It's afro beat and latino influence which has been all the rage in the past few years, which Hybe has been pushing a lot. It explains the song.

SGMB and Closer Than This were previously released and I'm not covering them again.

I think it's difficult for me to not make comparisons to Face, considering both albums were produced around the same period, without much time left in between them. One is simply more cohesive and has a depth that showcases a first solo attempt, while the other one is clearly going a more commercial route with less of a personal signature.

Despite Muse being promoted as another conceptual album, I find that umbrella to be a bit forced given that the theme of finding love is really a generic one. Perhaps way too generic with not much individuality. Does it show Jimin's vocal range? Yes. Does it show him trying various genres? Yes. In this case, perhaps Muse is a bit similar to Golden in some aspects, with the difference that Jimin gets producing and writing credits in 5/6 songs. So his involvement is greater, but the scope of the album is in the same category as Golden, which is another production that had this LOVE as an overarching theme. But without much more to it that would make it stand out lyrically. The focus on both is genre diversity and vocal capability.

In short: I like Who (I also like Ace of Base songs and all those silly 90s pop songs, so my music taste is most likely considered bad, but I don't care). I think Muse overall is an amalgam of whatever is trendy at the moment, without being able to truly stand out and say more about Jimin, apart from his capabilities as idol/performer. Perhaps that was the point too.

P.S. My inbox has been closed for anonymous asks since I reblogged a few days ago my post about using lyrics as clues for personal life. It seems that it invited homophobia and I won't have that here.

I'm keeping it that way for now because I'm sure my personal "review" on Muse will either be seen as an invitation for people to either bash me for not thinking it's the album of the year or to be seen as an opportunity for others to talk shit about Jimin, Who and the album overall. I found that usually there is no middle ground with kpop stans/army/Jimin stans, etc.

[garf-lover96]

my long ass elaborate ranking of Will Wood's (and The Tapeworms') albums!! (Everything is a Lot ranking list)

for the purpose of making this i've been listening to this whole album like non stop for the past week. i even made my parents listen to it with me (my mom liked it and said that she'd go to see the songs live if she could!). it was actually pretty difficult to rank all of them but i think the top 3 will remain unchanged forever, they're some of my all time favorites from will wood!! the way i'll do this i think is i'll write down all the things i like about a particular song, maybe a favorite lyric and a favorite moment or something. or just some general rambling. also i split Everything is a Lot into Everything is a Lot and Destroy to Enjoy, like in the remastered album!

———

1. Skeleton Appreciation Day in Vestal, NY (Bones)

first time i heard this song was over a year ago so i can't tell what my exact first impression was but it did almost immediately become my favorite song ever. I LOVE IT SO MUCH IT'S INSANE. also fun fact, memberoflottiescult really likes this song!

my main thing with this song is that it sounds like?? you know, bones?? it sounds like skeletons. the melody is like something a skeleton would've come up with. i can't explain it but it is hearable. best song ever

2. 6up 5oh Cop-Out (Pro / Con)

it was one of the first will's songs i've ever liked on spotify. ughhhh the energy, the general mashing of the piano and it sounding like it's about to fall apart any second lol!! the high ass notes. perfect, so perfect. i was listening to this song while purchasing a meter long plush goose. the song is like a brother to me

my favorite part is the spoken "am i being detained? am i under arrest? read me my rights please! I WANT MY PHONECALL" it's uhfhdfhkf. showstopping

3. White Knuckle Jerk (Where Do You Get Off?)

it took me exactly one (1) full listen to this one to absolutely fall in love with it, holy fuck. one of the best things i've ever heard. every time it's on i have to loop it a few times

my favorite parts are the "i wonder how i woke up in the middle of my surgery and i watched them botch my heart. only the second worst thing that i could've thought was 'this won't have to end if it doesn't start'" and "i'll never know what it's like to love you" because ummm???? the emotion in his voice omfg, i love it when this happens. it's so perfect (reminds me of julian devorak..........)

4. Lygerside Daydream

had me hooked after the first listen as well. i love the melody and i love how the lyrics are written here. i, too, want to blow the seeds of dandelions and wish for nothing more. such a sweet sound. one of my favorites as well. nice to daydream to, ha!!!

5. Front Street

idk how to explain this but the pace of the song, like the way the lyrics are sung is so satisfying. just the sentence structure and stuff.. uhhh i really don't know how to describe this, but i love it a whole lot. the piano melody here is amazing as well it so???? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW it's just good

6. The First Step

so nice to sing along to!!! "and i hope i don't choke on my vomit tonight" and "take my anxiety and my sobriety, i'll kill two birds with one stoner. so if you see me please, take my keys i don't wanna be an organ donor" are my favorite parts:3 so satisfyingly said

7. Chemical Overreaction / Compound Fracture

one of my first ones too i'm pretty sure. the chorus really pulled me in. fast and fun. i think i showed it to my godfather once. the spanish part scratches my brain so good

8. Cover This Song (A Little Bit Mine)

very nice to sing along to as well. i love the melody on the very first verse. i love the part with the piano solo so much

9. Everything is a Lot

i love the melody sooooooo much, "all the moments you've lost, all the money it cost" part is my favorite. shouldn't be overlooked!!!!!

10. Red Moon

i had to come around to it a bit but i actually love it. love the "the constellations form infinite paisleys in the sky" part, such a nice sound. satisfying lyrics in general

11. Thermodynamic Lawyer Esq. G.F.D.

nice to listen to when i want to have something screaming into my ears. loooove the fact that liar liar was sampled in the beginning, i really like that movie. i used to be obsessed with jim carrey also. i binged pretty much all of his movies as a little lad

12. Jimmy Mushrooms' Last Drink: Bedtime in Wayne, NJ

the kalimba kind of bothered me initially but i got used to it. i enjoy the melody. don't have much to say about it

13. ¡Aikido! (Neurotic / Erotic)

it's not horrible by any means, it just kind of doesn't do it for me. i usually skip it

14. Destroy to Enjoy

satisfying rhymes, i prefer not to listen to construction work as a past time

———

this took so long to put together, i kept forgetting about it or rearranging it...

[fledglingmaster]

Clairaudience

Bonjour! This might read a tad janky, but this feels like the place to post this as it concerns my host and his demon. This is Bleu by the way. Hi!

I'm going, "how does he do that?" As if a demon/vampire (not sure how he'd identify these days, given how my host is I'm leaning towards demon) that is in spirit form (for lack of better words) couldn't drop a few signs here and there.

My host, more so than I, tends to notice things in songs. Or meaningful songs come on at the exact right moment and play in the background. He's into that psychic stuff. Not that I don't believe in it myself, I mean I've witnessed things...it's just not my cup of tea. I didn't inherit that gift from my mother. But my host will hear a song and a certain line might stand out as if it's louder when it's not. Or he'll hyperfocus on a song because something is urging him to listen. It's like someone tapping him on the shoulder insistently and going, "hey pay attention right now!" I believe it, I know how it is for him, but I don't usually experience such things.

As I say this, when Sebastian has a message, even I feel like I'm being beamed in the face with it. The first time it happened was when I was co-fronting and my host was drawing. I asked him then, "is this what it's like for you?" I don't think it was coincidence that when he was working on a piece that dealt with his past, we both heard, "I'll be there as soon as I can. But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before." My host was so casually, "yeah that's Sebastian." Umm...I'm sorry this is fucking weird. It was like someone screamed those words in my ear. I mean the presence I felt, the line, I think I had my first ghost experience while (co)fronting.

I don't know how to interpret that message. Does that mean he's still stuck in the time loop? Does that mean he will manifest at some point in this life? If he manifests...I'm assuming he will come into someone's system. It would be really cruel for him to be human born and what? When he finally gets to be my host's current age my host would be in his 60's? No, we had two tragic lives, third time's a charm, right? I would think ideally, he'd manifest in our system. But I'm not sure if there would be issues with that. I know my host already has stated he'd rather not bind Sebastian to a human vessel and this one...it's not in the best shape. But enough on that...

I've been fronting since the whole dog thing yesterday more or less. I have random music on, kind of letting it do its own roulette sort of thing. We've been listening to Sleep Token since the beginning of the month. They were a band that happened to play, and we liked them. One of those 'suggested for you' type of things. My host really felt 'The Apparition' fit his situation well. Had a good cry about it and everything. So, this band neither of us knew existed until around a week ago, this song has my host an absolute mess. That is his new song. He loves it, it feels like his heart is being ripped out, lovely. (Oh my god...I can't some days with him...at least he's letting himself cry.)

There are probably many songs we haven't heard from the band but a new one, for us, came up today. 'Are You Really Okay?' This time I'm fronting but I felt how my host was feeling before that, and I know his mental state is poor. This was one of those stand out songs in a personal way. I did a look around the room and asked if it was Sebastian. Right after that song 'The Apparition' played and that felt like Sebastian confirming it. Now, me being the healthy skeptic I am, I had to look up albums and that is the order of the songs on the album. One could say logically that's why it played in that order. Though I find it interesting that we've listen to this band as well as other bands mixed for hours, probably a few solid days' worth and the first song never was played. As I'm attempting to be hopeful but I'm still doubting Motionless in White's 'Eternally Yours' plays next. Okay, I get it, it really is you. This is so freaky.

Anyway, host, Sebastian says you can't harm yourself. So, listen! You'll get over this rough patch. By the way, our likes are at 555, I know you like those angel numbers.

[sex-pop]

7/7/24

There's this friend Ive been having some problems with. We used to go out together to this gay dive bar all the time but we've had to stop because we've just ended up fighting most of the times we've gone. I think its because when I step into those places I plan on trying to make friends and meet someone that I can have a good time with, be open and control a room using my power of pretty objectification. He doesn't like when I do that. Ive tried to include him in whatever conversation I find myself in but I've felt walls go up when someone else seems interested in me.

I remember this one time when we first started to hang at this bar, we were approached by another group of two. A conventionally attractive man and his friend. Mr conventional and I hit it off. The music was loud so it was hard to carry a group conversation, but we kept trying to loop in our respective friends, as often as we could but they wouldn’t talk to each other while the Mr and I were shouting in each other’s ear. I know shouldn't expect my friend to talk to whatever plus one the guy I'm trying to see has around. But wouldn’t it be nicer to try? Make you seem more open and approachable? In the moment I couldn’t comprehend shutting down like that. Unless I had completely exhausted my social battery.

I haven't spoken to him recently because I felt slut shamed by him the last time I was out. It was just off some stupid off hand comments but the words were more cutting when that felt like it was the only time he'd talk with me. We are having a bit of a spit as you could call it. But he said something today that got me thinking...

The past month I've been in love and obsessed with Charli XCX's newest project "brat". The hour it went live I listened to it from start to finish with this friend and one of my roommates. He and I were already a little odd. Our opinions on the album could not be more different. While I've fallen in love with the raw synths and addictive dance beats, he's alluded to it being over hyped and even called it a bad album when we were working together today.

I think its narcissistic to assume he formed his opinion of brat to be the antithesis of mine since we're fighting. But he did look me in the eye (something I've been avoiding for a week) when he said the album was bad today. It felt a little personal.

Others are obviously entitled to their opinions and no one's taste is the same. I'm big enough to know that I don't need to care about someone else's opinion of the music that speaks to me. But I find it interesting that he's having this type of reaction to an album that has been helping me make sense of the feelings that I feel when I'm hanging around him.

brat has a lot to say about the archetypal party girl. The smart, young, hot girl, with style that makes you hate her. You hate her because you want to own her, you want to be her, you want the social grace she moves with and the attention she earns with it. Its okay to just admit that your jealous of her. Charli says as much in the lyrics of the leading single Von Dutch.

Often I do not feel like the party girl. Often I feel like some type of slime that can barley ooze out of my own bed. But when I can get a man warped up with my flirtatious interest and an agreeable disposition, I feel like that party girl. I feel free. But at the same time under the jealous eyes. Loathed for the way that I act.

brat has helped me to say fuck it, they're gonna say what they want, I don't have to care because I'm the future. I feel empathized with. Sympathy for the slut if you will. While acknowledging all the the complexities that come with trying to navigate relationships while maintaining that brat-attitude.

My goal isn't to paint myself as some kind of icon, or to try and say that my small platform on here makes me an internet It Girl. But rather that brat has been helping me make sense of how I'm feeling when I'm under the evil eye of envy.

Hope you've enjoyed reading.

-M

[laurentgudel]

STATE MUSIC — COMPUTER MUSIC CENTER AT COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY

I spent five weeks in NYC between March and April 2023. It was a fantastic opportunity to work at the Computer Music Center in New York. The CMC is the first electronic music studio in the USA and Seth Cluett was kind enough to let me continue my research in the best conditions.

During this stay I was able to compose two new pieces for my forthcoming debut album State Music. The first was recorded in Studio 324 on two very early versions of Buchla and Serge analogue modular systems and two Bode frequency shifters. The process was similar to what I had done at EMS Stockholm, Radio Belgrade, KSYME Athens and Willem Twee Studio in Den Bosch. I tried to adapt to the machines installed in the studio, tested a lot of patches and recorded many hours of textures, accidents and other sonic events using a variety of techniques. The editing, collaging, layering and mixing was done later in my studio. I just followed one rule. Don't use the same recording twice. No loops, nothing like that.

The second composition was recorded in Jace Clayton's office. Why? Because the RCA Mark II, considered one of the first music synthesizers ever, still sits in that room. The synth has been out of order since 1976, when someone broke into the Prentis Hall building and vandalised the machine. But I decided to make use of it anyway. I opened one of the office windows to let sounds from the city into the room and recorded the tiny vibrations caused by street noise with a geophone magnetised to the synthesizer. In this way the synthesiser essentially acted as a loudspeaker. A cheap recorder was placed near the window. Two wide cardioid microphones were placed in the middle of the room for a high quality recording. Most of the time I sit in front of the synthesizer and do nothing but listen, and every now and then I flip a switch, turn a potentiometer or unplug a patch cable to activate the acoustic space of the office and make the metal frame of the machine vibrate.

It was an amazing moment. I've been working on the State Music project since 2018. I realised that being in that room with that silent machine felt like achieving something. My understanding of electronic music history is much deeper. The links between early synthesizers and the military industry are now much clearer to me. State music? Corporate music? I don't know and it doesn't matter.

Here's an anecdote from The Enabling Instrument: Milton Babbitt and the RCA Synthesizer" a paper by Martin Brody.

When the Mark-I appeared in 1955, it was listed in the RCA Acoustics Laboratory inventory with a proud comparison: The synthesiser was 'second only to the Typhoon rocket simulator as the largest single assembly to come out of the David Sarnoff Research Center'. [Although the Mark-I was built to recreate a peaceful expression of human subjectivity rather than to obliterate a hostile and remote man-machine, its input/output components were as indifferent to the workings of the psyche as an anti-aircraft predictor.As Harry Olson recalled, to test their new machine, Olson and Belar followed Seashore's playbook of analysing past performances. The goal was not to expose the musical mind, but to simulate the sounds of acoustic instruments and human performers with the utmost precision.

I would like to thank Seth Cluett, Anna Meadors, Jace Clayton and Nick Patterson for their help.

[jones7thavenue]

2023 Diary Entry No. 22

It's been a month + two weeks since the last diary entry. I've been busy adjusting to the new flat I'm living with my parents in right now, so I apologize for not having gotten to write about it sooner.

I'm listening to Wildest Dreams by Brandy from her 2012 album, Two Eleven, on loop, as I'm writing this journal entry. I've been thinking about my boyfriend a fucking lot lately, due to having read some MK11 fanfiction on here, and, boy, am I in deep. A little too deep into my mind here, that is. I can't stop thinking about my man at all. It's not that the fanfiction had anything to do with that. It's just that I've been craving his warm hands on me for a long fucking time, and I wish I was in his arms right now, even though it's my fucking fault for the impossibility. I'm finally getting some self-care. I only regret not having done so sooner, due to things coming up and shit. I need to find a way to replace my state ID card, so I can get medical services for all types of doctors and shit.

Anyway, I'm just looking forward to seeing my boyfriend and our son today. I have forgotten to take my meds last night, and, knowing myself, it's way too late for that, so I'll be taking my morning medications in thirty-eight minutes from now, then I'll be ready to go see my little boy. My phone is going to be off for the whole day, though, so I hope my mom can keep herself busy without feeling the need to call me every 2 minutes.

I couldn't sleep, but Mom + Pops had their beauty sleep....or did they? I just wish they could go back to bed, shit! It's total bullshit, the situation I got myself into, the past 2.5 fucking years of self-punishment with the fact that I'm my parents' slave because of the choices that I made to be here. And, boy, are they bad ones. And, unfortunately, they're all my fucking fault. I'm so fucking pissed I can't even think of typing shit because I keep thinking about that shit that should be forgotten entirely, but I can't trust me enough to forgive for the past 13 fucking years. Fuck you very much, grandma. I hope all my family members burn in hell; I don't expect myself to be there, once I repent and pray to have Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior again, this time, for good, because I have a family to take care of, anyway. I'm done with being a cellophane doormat. For real, man.

Sorry for the long ranting paragraph, but not sorry for how I fucking feel about life, and the government, in general. I'm so happy someone sides with my story, with no need to open my mouth. I'm just ready to move on with my life and not remember negative shit anymore because, look where the negative shit got me. Fuck you very much, Satan; may your servants bow down to your $25 Trillion five footlong.

Okay, enough of the angry bitching. It's way too early for that. I'm going to calm myself down with a fucking nap. I'll be back.

I woke up to my stepfather causing chaos over being obedient to my mother and me. Ever since then, I haven't been feeling like doing anything, but I'm forced to do everything this weekend anyway, because it's just so much pressure to be the Barbie of the household: I have to wash dishes, I have to sweep and mop the floors, I have to clean everyone's room (mainly because someone lazily fucks their own bedroom up and doesn't bother to clean it right the fuck back the fuck up, because they think they're hot shit, but, trust me on this: they're not!), I have to take out the fucking trash, too. It's fucking exhausting for me to do everything without any fucking help whatsoever. I keep dreaming of the impossible fantasy of having my own life, having my own place, however the fuck I want my life. I'm getting to the point where should I go to jail, it's the only way to learn how not to do shit again, but way too late. And, obviously, as everyone knows, nobody wants nor needs that, so I better keep myself in my own head, obviously because it's not worth going there over an imbecile who thinks he's entitled to being lazy, when he knows how to drop shit all over the bedroom, so if he can do that, he can put the mess right back into where it came from, instead of me having to do it while bitching the whole fucking time.

I apologize sincerely for having been busy for hours, but, thanks to Big Brother, I replaced one movie + added two more into my library today, via the local Media Exchange. I'm looking forward to watching The Crow Duology by myself in the kitchen tonight when the folks are sleeping tonight. I'm surprised they liked my latest photo via Instagram. It's been too hot be hot as Fujin's balls outside right now, but, when the sun's down, I'll be out one last time for today, grabbing a lotto ticket and $5 in quarters so I can do some laundry tomorrow morning. I'm no longer considering moving out of my parents' abode at this point in time because the government is so fucking rude as shit, thinking they're hot shit until after the apocalypse. I'm just so looking forward to better days, even though it's impossible right now. All I need to do is clean the kitchen, wash the dishes, take out the trash, clean the bathroom, put away the dirty laundry (again!), clean my room + clear the kitchen table, as the list for housework to do tonight/tomorrow. Then, after I get all that shit done, will I be able to enjoy anything, starting Monday morning. I don't need to be putting shit off until later anymore, because, well, it's pissing people the fuck off, myself included.

I got a gut-wrenching feeling that my PS4 is done for, so I'm calling my request for a Chromebook off until there's a better time for that shit, since I have very little to save every month now, due to inflation. Fuck, I feel like crying right now, but it's so hard to unmask myself in front of anyone at this point. I'm just heartbroken because of how the past 3 years has treated me. Maybe I fucking deserve this karma for all the stupid shit I did to people long ago, because of my arrogant ass ego. It's just been a long time since I've thought about the shit I had done, but it's also the first time I'm ever writing about it, and, once I finish writing this, the negative weight will just get off my back eventually, even though right now it's impossible.

It's all about changing habits, nothing else. If I need to get back to better, it's all about doing, thinking, acting, being better, period. That's all. It's time to make peace with myself.

[farfromsugafanfic]

Sutures - Chapter Eleven: Right Place

Genre: Soulmates AU, Idiots to Lovers, slight Enemies to Lovers

Pairing: Yoongi/Named Reader

Warnings (chapter specific): mentions of anxiety (sort of), exes who won’t leave you alone, family hospitalization, mentions of death

Synopsis: “A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.” –Jean de la Fontaine

There was only one thing you and Min Yoongi had in common that night. You were both brokenhearted. You only intended to be together for one night, but when you both end up in the hospital the next day you discover that you are soulmates. It could kill you to be apart. As you and Yoongi attempt to sever the bond between you, will another be formed?

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You swung your legs towards the seat across from you, but they were just barely too short and they fell straight back down which caused Yoongi to chuckle. He sat diagonally from you with his feet resting on the seat beside you. He wore headphones and had his laptop in front of him. You hadn't even realized he was paying attention to you. 

You held your knitting needles and your creation was nearly done. Yoongi had told you about his family dog--Holly--and you remembered seeing his picture in Yoongi's studio. You were knitting a small scarf that would tuck easily around his collar. You wished you had more time to make him something like a jacket, but Yoongi had sprung the trip on you, planning and taking on a large project like that took weeks to complete. 

The scenery on the train flew by so quickly you could hardly make it out and it made your head spin if you tried for more than a few seconds.

"You seem quiet," Yoongi said. He hadn't taken his headphones off and you laughed at the thought that he simply had them in as a habit.

"You were working. I didn't want to disturb you."

Yoongi shrugged and lowered his laptop screen and allowed his headphones to fall around his neck. "You seem nervous." His gaze lowered down to your fingers that continued knitting as you spoke and looked into his eyes. You hadn't even noticed the way your fingers continued the pattern. 

"I mean, I want to make a good impression on your family. I know we're not really together or anything, but I'm your soulmate and if they don't like me--"

"Exactly, you're my soulmate," Yoongi said. "Finding each other was less than one in a million. Almost less than one in a billion. And, don't they say that soulmates are often not just compatible with the person, but their family as well?" 

"That's been the case so far," you said, remembering reading the Wikipedia article on the handful of other soulmate couples. "But, soulmate science is new and imprecise. And, I imagine for those who are different from their families or don't have good relationships with them, that can't always be true."

"I have a feeling they will like you," Yoongi said. "You don't have to worry."

You didn't get a chance to respond as the train lurched to a stop and announced its arrival in Daegu. The doors opened and you stood up. You and Yoongi had had the train car to yourselves, so you were able to stand up and grab your suitcase immediately. 

"Are the press gonna be here?" 

"I don't know," Yoongi said. "We didn't officially announce this trip, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone is following us."

You nodded. It was becoming familiar to see camera flashes and your face used as a cover photo. The thought of growing used to it sent a shiver down your spine as you extended the handle on your suitcase.

Yoongi stood beside you and your eyes met briefly causing his lips to turn upwards in a small smile. He reached up and pulled the mask you'd forgotten was looped around your ears and hanging around your chin up over your lips and nose. 

"Just in case," he said.

---

You hadn't seen a single camera as you neared Yoongi's parent's place. You weren't sure if it was a blessing or a curse. Just because you couldn't see the cameras, didn't mean that they weren't there. You half expected to see a picture of you and Yoongi getting off the train in Daegu pop up in your newsfeed. 

"We're here," Yoongi said. The car stopped and Yoongi was immediately out and walking around to open your door. You stepped out and gripped the handle of your suitcase, the bones of your knuckles feeling like they were about to burst through your skin. 

Yoongi walked slightly in front of you and opened the door. The first thing you heard was a high-pitched barking and before you could catch sight of Holly, the brown full-sized poodle was jumping up on you in greeting.

"You must Holly," you said, crouching down and allowing the dog to rest its front half on your lap. "I've heard a lot about you." 

"Ah, I'm right here." Yoongi's face contorted into a look of simultaneous amusement and jealousy. 

You laughed as you ruffled the dog's ears and crouched down so he could lick your chin. "Oh, you're so sweet." You reached into your purse and pulled out the scarf you finished on the train ride and carefully tied it around his neck. 

"Oh!" you heard someone exclaim from the other end of the room. "I wasn't expecting you two for another hour. Dinner isn't done yet." 

"It's fine. We have to get settled anyway." 

Yoongi's mother's eyes widened as she met yours. It was as if she had just noticed you. She stood just a few inches shorter than Yoongi and you could see they shared many features. From the slope of the nose to the way her eyes seemed to narrow in on you, the same way Yoongi's did in certain moments.

"You must be Sumi," she said. "It's so nice to finally meet you." 

She reached out and pulled you into a hug. You tensed as she wrapped her arms around you. From everything Yoongi told you about his family, they were not outwardly affectionate people and so you had expected at most a firm handshake. 

"I'm sorry," she said. "I just feel like you're part of the family already." She glanced over at Yoongi and back at you. "I haven't seen Yoongi this happy for a long time." 

"Oh," was all you could get out. Yoongi had told them you were trying to sever the relationship, right?

---

Yoongi met his mother's gaze. Her eyebrow slightly arched, a look Yoongi had seen many times. Holly broke the silence with a bark signaling for you to reach down and pet him again. You crouched down so your face was level with his and allowed him to lick your chin. 

Yoongi couldn't help but smile as he watched you. Your hair was ruffled from the train ride and he noticed the way your shaking hands calmed as they ran through Holly's fur. He crouched down next to you and met your eyes, a small smile simultaneously appeared on both your faces. 

"I've never seen him warm up to someone so quickly," Yoongi said, ruffling the dog's ears.

"I guess he just likes me." 

"Yeah," Yoongi said, his voice an octave quieter. "I guess he does."

Yoongi's phone buzzes in his pocket. His hand reaches for it, but he doesn't want to leave this moment. It wasn't like he was reliant on his phone, but with an upcoming album and the other members working on it in his absence, he couldn't ignore it.

Jihee's name appeared on his screen and his widened. He hadn't blocked her number purely because the texts after the break up stopped and with the whole soulmates thing, he'd honestly forgotten.

Yoongi opened the text and found a screenshot from Instagram where she'd posted a picture of herself laying on a bed with her legs straight up in the air. It wasn't the familiar slope of her calves or the arch of her back that caught his eye, but rather the black pumps she wore. 

He recognized them instantly as the ones you'd worn and abandoned the night he'd met you and the ones you'd failed to get back from Minki. Yoongi had no idea how Jihee got a hold of them, or how she even knew their significance. 

He screenshot the text and emailed it off to the legal team at BigHit. He knew the post would probably gain some attention, but he trusted it would be seen for what it was, an attempt to seek attention. 

Blocking her number, he slid the phone back into his pocket. Yoongi knew he should tell you, but watching the way you adjusted the scarf around Holly's neck, he decided he'd tell you later.

---

Yoongi was starving and watched as each dish was placed on the table. His parents had made a bit of everything and as soon as everything was set he quickly reached for braised pork and his mom's homemade kimchi. 

You grabbed a bit of everything and mixed it together with your rice. Yoongi reached out and grabbed a few more pieces of meat and set them in your bowl. 

"You didn't eat much this morning." 

Your eyes widened and Yoongi thought he caught your lips curl into an embarrassed smile.

"Sumi," Yoongi's mother said. "I'm so happy you came into Yoongi's life. We were getting a bit worried Yoongi would never find someone who made him truly happy." She glanced over at Yoongi's father. "Even in his past relationships, I never saw Yoongi like this." 

Yoongi felt the heat rush to his ears and his feet fidgeted under the table.

You--despite Yoongi seeing the way you fiddled with your chopsticks indicating your nerves--smiled. "Well, I didn't really have a choice." You laugh, which normally made Yoongi's heart jump, this time made it fall. 

While it was entirely true that you and Yoongi hadn't a choice in getting to know each other, there was a part of Yoongi that didn't want this to end. He wanted to see you play with Holly, see your hair splayed over your face in the morning, and your small smile when he gave you more meat. 

"I am happy I met Yoongi though," you said. "Even if we can't spend the rest of our lives together and this is all some weird biological thing, these past few weeks getting to know Yoongi have convinced me that we are truly soulmates. I don't think soulmates always have to be romantic or end up together, we just get each other."

The table fell silent. But, it was content and for the remainder of the meal, the only sounds heard were light conversations and the sounds of eating. Yoongi couldn't help the swelling feeling he felt in his chest. He worried he would suddenly float off the seat like a balloon if he didn't try to stifle it.

You set down your chopsticks. "Thank you for the meal. I'll clean up my things and head to bed." 

"Oh, no need to clean up. You're our guest. Yoongi, why don't you show her to your old room? I'll set you up a bed on the couch." 

"Ah, mom, we're soulmates. Is that really necessary?"

"Yes," his mom said. "Maybe the poor girl wants a break from you." 

His mom's quip made you laugh and he let out a sigh. "All right," he said. "Come on." 

---

Yoongi led you to his childhood bedroom. When he opened the door, you were met with Epik High posters and notebooks lining the shelves of his bookshelf. You smiled at how distinctly Yoongi it felt. While it obvious his room hadn't changed much from when he first left home, you could still see hints of the man Yoongi would become. From the basketball trophies to the books about music production. 

"Hey, I need to talk to you about something." 

Yoongi's demeanor changed as he closed the door. "I got a text from Jihee earlier. She somehow got ahold of your shoes and posted with them. I sent everything to the company and I'm sure they will take care of it. I just wanted to warn you in case this blows up--" 

"I trust you, Yoongi," you interrupted. "They've already said everything they could. It can't get worse than it already is and I know you'll do your best to take care of it."

You flopped down onto the bed and patted the bed beside you. Yoongi laid beside you. Your bodies were centimeters apart, but you didn't touch. 

"Your parents didn't like Jihee, did they?" 

Yoongi shook his head. "No," he said. "They tolerated her because I liked her, but they said they never pictured her as part of the family." 

"Mine never liked Minki either." You were silent for a moment. "Maybe they knew somehow." 

"Maybe," Yoongi said, his fingers brushing against yours. You turned and noticed he was still looking up at the ceiling, seemingly not noticing how his hand wandered to find yours. You wondered if it was a side effect of being soulmates. Your hands would always find each other.

The moment was severed when your phone rang. It was your mom and your stomach turned as you realized it was 5 am there. 

"Hello?" You didn't care that Yoongi was in the room anymore. In fact, something kept you clinging to his hand. 

"Sumi? You need to get here. Grandma's in the hospital and they don't think she has much time left. We're gonna leave her on life support until you get here because we know she would want you here. I don't know if it's possible without risking your own health and Grandma will understand--" 

"No, I'm coming. I'll find a way. Give me a couple days. I'll be there, okay?" Your eyes were filled to the brim with tears and after you said your goodbyes, they rushed out. You weren't cognizant, but when you opened your eyes, you were folded into Yoongi's chest. 

"Did you hear everything?" 

Yoongi nodded. "I've already called a car to take us back. We'll be back in Seoul in a few hours." 

"Yoongi, what are we going to do? You have a comeback soon. You can't just come with me to California." 

"Shh, we'll figure it out. Just get your things together, okay?" 

You nodded and got off the bed to collect your things. "Yoongi," your voice was still hoarse and barely there. "Thank you."

[jejciu]

because I've been entirely obsessed with 900 and Blood Moon for the past two weeks thanks to you (and had, at last, good music to look forward to during especially shitty days at work) I am 1. thanking you with my whole heart and 2. asking very very much for some new song recommendations. very pretty please

oml I literally had the part of the chorus with the "-for this wicked road" stuck in my head for the last 3 hours or so lol. ugh! They're so good. these days tho I've been listening to more chill music so idk if you'll like any of this, but anyway, since I love you and also any excuse is a good excuse to talk about music:

omens by joni - I loved her EP orchid room, it's so peaceful and amazing and she has such a sweet soft voice. this one's one of her older singles but i only discovered it now, and it feels like watching sunset on your balcony while drinking a lukewarm cup of tea

Tunnel by polo & pan - fun, as always!!! similar vibe to my beloved "cadenza" of theirs.

soaked by léon - makes me feel hopeful. sweet and upbeat and I like her voice a lot.

go all the way by perry farrell - not new (was in twilight's soundtrack LOL) but only recently got added on spotify. what can I say. a classic. truly the best track out of the ost, too bad I'm not really into the rest of the guy's discography

the dirtiest queen by lovedrug - another oldie but UGH so good!!!

body money by orchid - another slightly more chill one, and I can't remember if I actually shared it (also her "worship me" is fucking Great)

no receipts by von - a bit hyperpoppy i guess - i like the beat a lot tbh and it's enough for me to keep it on loop

łezki by ania leon. I've mentioned it already but I think I deleted the post so good to bring it back. Good. I like it. the type of song thatd make me cry at the club. łezki lecą lecą łezki

chaeri by magdalena bay - needed another listen to grow on me, but it did. also hyperpoppish I suppose. another good one from her last album: your fire.

tic tic by dua saleh with haleek maul - God! Her voice. amazing. also love another one by her: dasher. wow!!

honestly I think that's about it, don't wanna make it unnecessarily long plus I've been listening to a lottttt of older songs recently (older as in 99-03 I suppose, santana and texas are on top of my "on repeat" rn lol).. it's such February music is2g

[winterrose527]

but I've never felt this way for no one

for @simple-aphorisms who gave me this delicious prompt. apologies, I went full feral.

I got my driver’s license last week, just like we always talked about…

If he had to guess, he had heard the opening lines to that song roughly 40 bajillion times. Ever since it had come out over the winter, every party he went to devolved into a raucous, off-key chorus no less than three times as everyone stopped what they were doing to sing that song.

He wasn’t going to lie. It was, for lack of a better, less cringey word, a bop. The first weekend it had come out, he’d listened to it a fair bit. The first time he’d ever heard it at a party, was because he had been the one to put it on.

So he got it. Olivia Rodrigo was a talent. Possibly the next Taylor Swift, though that was a debate he never wanted to get into or hear again after the Great War between Sansa and Theon that had lasted for seven days and eight long nights.

That being said, nothing, and he meant nothing – not even the day her full album had come out and he’d come out into the living room to see Jon and Theon crying to Enough for You – had prepared him for this car ride.

He was sitting in the back seat of Myrcella Baratheon’s Range Rover, Grey Wind sprawled out on top of him. His sister Sansa and her best friend Myrcella were in the front seat, where they had been for the last three hours as Myrcella drove them all back to school from Winterfell, where they’d gone for the long weekend.

Of those last three hours… no less than 2 hours and 45 minutes of it had been dedicated to Olivia Rodrigo. The lion’s share of it to this song.

Now he considered himself a patient man. He was possibly alone in this opinion, but nevertheless he did. But on the thousandth rendition of red lights! Stop signs! He’d lost it.

Not his temper, his mind.

Because the thing was. Myrcella Baratheon was singing at the top of her lungs. Putting her little heart into it.

It wasn’t like she had a bad voice or anything. In fact, she had a beautiful voice. The first time he’d ever heard it he’d gotten actual chills.

The trouble was, this was a song about a break up. And he was fairly certain they were still very much together.

He had, after all, woken up in her bed that morning. And what they’d done after that had given him every indication that they were together.

The thing was though, that’s all he had.

An indication. A feeling.

Okay, a lot of feelings. A mess of them.

These were the facts as far as he understood them.

Early on this semester, around the same time this blasted song had come out, he and Myrcella had been at a party. She’d come with some girls from the Art History program, he’d been there with a few guys from his rugby team. Sansa was nowhere to be found, and neither was Jon or Theon.

He’d seen her from across the room, standing with a couple of girls, and crossed over to her.

Myrcella Baratheon was just the sort of girl you had to cross a party for.

“You’re here!” she exclaimed, as though she’d been waiting for him all night.

“Where else would I be?” he asked.

“On the dance floor maybe,” she grinned.

“Doesn’t sound like me,” he grinned back.

And then her hand was in his, pulling it gently, her eyebrow raised, “Not even if I asked reeeeally nicely?”

So they’d danced. Things had gotten pretty messy. There was a sloppy dance floor make out, followed by a rather aggressive one up against the side of whatever house they were at. A cold walk back to his. His bedroom. Clothes removed. And then just her.

And ever since then it had sort of just continued on like that. They were always together, since her friends were his, and there were always more dance floors to make out on.

He and Myrcella had been having sex with regularity for the past two months, and as far as he knew, Myrcella didn’t do casual sex. But she was also the only girl in the known universe who didn’t press the what are we? talk.

Not only did she not press it, she seemed unconcerned with it entirely.

It was unnerving.

And now, here she was, singing her pretty little heart out to one of the best break up songs of all time with conviction.

“Sing it, Robby!” Sansa turned around.

“No,” he grunted.

Myrcella’s eye flicked to his briefly in the rearview as she banged on the steering wheel.

Sansa turned back around and pointed to a sign for a rest stop, “Oh can we go in there? I want a coffee.”

The last bars of the song played as Myrcella pulled in, dropping Sansa off in front of the complex.

“I’m going to fill up with gas,” she told Sansa who promptly ran inside and then glanced at him, “Are you going in?”

“So you can leave me here?” he asked.

She bursted out laughing as she drove to the gas pumps, “Well you have been rather grumpy but not enough to justify abandoning you on the side of the road just yet.”

Myrcella parked and turned off the car and he got out and slammed his door shut, undoing the gas cap.

“What are you doing?” she asked him. Suddenly she was next to him.

“You hate pumping gas,” he reminded her.

She was such a priss about things like that. It was so annoying and hot.

“You have a unique ability to be a complete ass and a total gentleman all at the same time,” Myrcella informed him, “Anyone ever tell you that?”

“Not lately,” he growled. Watching the numbers go up. Ignoring her fresh face and her golden curls pooling out of the neck of her cream fleece. “Because I am not dating anyone else. Are you?”

“How would I be dating anyone else?” she asked him, “I mean just logistically in your brain how would that work? Do I have a time machine? Oh because if I did have a time machine I would definitely use it for sex reasons. Because I’m Theon. You incredible asshat.”

“What did you just call me?” he asked, angrily closing the gas cap.

“An asshat,” she repeated, “Meaning your head is so far up your ass you are literally wearing it as a hat!”

“Why are you singing the song like that?!” he growled at her.

She bit her lip, “Well, because it’s an incredible song.”

“Are you singing it about someone?” he asked. “You were near to tears on the last one!”

“Well maybe,” she brushed her fingers up his chest, “I was thinking how I’d feel if you ever decided you didn’t want to be with me. Though that was before this conversation.”

His hands went to her waist, pulling her towards him, slipping underneath her fleece and t shirt to her bare, warm skin.

“You called me an asshat,” he told her.

She grinned, her arms looping around his neck, “Well you’re acting like one.” She laughed, “And I must be one too, because even when you’re a total asshat, I’m pretty sure I love you anyway.”

“Baby,” he lifted her up, nuzzling his nose against hers, “I know I’m not perfect, but I’ve never felt this way for no one.”

She laughed. Cackled. Her head thrown back, exposing her creamy neck that he couldn’t help but kiss even at a gas station.

“You do realize you just quoted Olivia Rodrigo, don’t you?” she asked.

He hadn’t realized that. Apparently after 40 bajillion listens it had somehow just come out.

“Well,” he teased, “She is the next Taylor Swift.”

“Oh no!” she wrestled out of his arms.

“What’s wrong?” Sansa asked as she came to them holding a tray with three coffees in it.

“We’re leaving Robb here,” Myrcella told her, “Say your goodbyes.”

“Myrcella!” he laughed.

“Why don’t you call Theon for a ride you reductive asshat!” Myrcella argued.

With that she started walking around the car and he chased after her, picking her back up and carrying her to the passenger seat.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m driving,” he told her, “You’re too worked up. You’re being a little crazy.” And then he kissed her cheek, “But uh I love you anyway.”

He felt her grin even though she rolled her eyes as she buckled her seat. Sansa got in the back and he went around to the driver’s seat and got in. It took him a few minutes to adjust the seat because his girlfriend was teeny, and he used the time to plug his phone into the USB.

“Do you know what the best thing about being the driver is?” he asked them.

“What’s that?” Sansa asked from the back.

“You get to control the music,” he informed her.

And as he pulled away from the gas station, and the opening bars of Driver’s License came on through his phone, Myrcella Baratheon leaned over and kissed his cheek.

He’d forgotten how much he truly loved this song.

[ruinedbygaysstylinson]

Part 1: Hello, I've frequently lurked on your blog, first time sending an ask. I saw your 'overdue rant' and want to explain the other side respectfully. I used to stan Liam. I don't anymore, not that I don't appreciate what he did and how he and Zayn had (maybe have?) a great relationship. I think there is a difference between seeing something written in print and hearing it said. I like Z the most, I'll be honest so the fact that L dragged him 3 times (IRLnot print) doesn't sit right with me.

Part 2: So I’m disappointed by what Liam said, and if he/his team just admitted they were shitty things to say, me and most Ztans would be cool with it. But what he said was so unnecessary and could’ve been avoided? Hell Niall did it with grace in billboard. I would never talk shit abt Liam or try to change people’s minds abt him but that’s what you’re all doing now, trying to excuse what L said instead of calling him out. 1 can still stan people and see why someone might have a problem w them!

_____________________________________

Hello! First off, thanks for sharing your concerns and feelings with me so politely. I enjoy hearing the thoughts of people outside my corner of the fandom. I agree that there is a difference between print!Liam and live!Liam, and it definitely upset me to hear how Liam’s team incorporated Zayn into Liam’s promo tour. However, after moping around for a bit, I was able to step back and consider the biggest motivating factor to all this controversy.

Liam has mentioned Zayn multiple times in the past month. A few were references to his appreciation for Pillowtalk, and the other 3 were the comments in question. Let’s break them down one by one.

1) Liam Payne sat down for a chat with our old pal Dan Wootton. Dan is a longtime friend of Simon, and has broken literally every exclusive for Liam’s latest relationship with Simon’s close friend and XF judge. How convenient. Dan also has slammed each of the boys individually and as a band on multiple occasions. Regardless of that, he has still received solo exclusives from Zayn, Niall, Harry, and Liam (and I’m sure Louis’ moment is coming as well). In this interview, Liam apparently forgot that several times in the 2 years from April 2015 on, he revealed that he had spoken with Zayn and everything was good between them. Let’s recall the infamous elevator pap clip where Liam said he loves Zayn with his own mouth, and would never rule him out of a future 1D reunion. Poof. That’s gone now, and replaced with Liam “confiding” in Dan that he isn’t sure what Zayn’s problem was, and there won’t be an OT5 reunion. Keep in mind, this interview was recorded without video, so we don’t even know if the final cut included Liam’s original words on Zayn. He may have had to “repeat” himself to get Dan’s point across. In my opinion, considering the close relationship between Dan and Simon, and Simon’s dislike of Liam following his solo signing and the 2017 Brits, I think this interview is highly suspicious at best. Moving on..

2) Shortly after the interview with Dan was released, we got footage of Liam playing a twisted game where he had to choose one of his close friends to condemn. First of all, this question should NEVER have been asked. It’s highly inappropriate and his team should’ve screened it out. The fact that it was allowed to be asked is interesting, and I will get to that in a bit. If you haven’t seen the clip, Liam has to choose between Ed Sheeran, Harry, or Zayn to leave behind, like in a scenario similar to the Titanic. Breaking down the choices is tough, because there is no good answer. Ed has been publicly friends with the boys for years, and helped write Liam’s new single. Ed also has a ton of fans who wouldn’t take kindly to the thought of Liam abandoning him after he generously helped launch Liam’s solo career. Harry was in the middle of his own album promo tour, and Liam had already said that Harry’s style of music isn’t his favorite. I doubt he wanted to make multiple negative comments about one of his closest friends. Zayn and Liam did not continue their public relationship after March 2015, and everyone is aware that he left the band. Liam also complimented Zayn’s music in interviews before and after this clip. Choosing Zayn was the lesser of 3 evils as far as the public is concerned. Still technically evil, but the best choice in the face of an extremely loaded question. As far as how Liam answered the question, I don’t think Liam was being malicious. His wording was very specific. Liam’s sense of humor can be dark at times, but he didn’t actually say he would leave Zayn for dead. For all we know, he meant leave him behind with a life ring or something. I don’t think it’s wise to assume that Liam was purposefully trying to hurt Zayn in a pretend game that was obviously setup to make him cast a negative light on their relationship.

3) This Tuesday Liam attended the Glamour awards and presented James Corden with an award. In his speech, Liam spoke of how James wanted to be in a boyband, and shared that James was in a band of his own that even boasted a slogan. Liam commented that maybe if 1D had a slogan, Zayn wouldn’t have left, and he would keep that in mind for next time. There are a couple things that I would like to draw to your attention. First, Zayn did leave the band (whether you believe it was willing or not), but that doesn’t seem to be the issue. From what I’ve gathered, people are mad that Liam basically claimed that Zayn’s depature could’ve been avoided with something as small as a slogan. In other words, Liam seems to be oblivious to how difficult Zayn’s time in the band was. Let’s turn back the clock a bit. Liam and Zayn were extremely close friends for the entireity of OT5’s existence. They shared interests such as the world of superheroes and comic books, and commented multiple times on their similar taste in music. They also most likely shared far more personal subjects, such as difficulties with public opinion or lack of musical input. If you weren’t in the fandom for March 2015 and the following months, you may not realize that Liam was literally devastated by Zayn’s sudden departure. He cried on stage multiple times and was generally less enthusiastic for weeks following the incident. The fact that Liam is able to joke about something that upset him greatly tells me that some of his scars are healing. Liam is making light of what was clearly a very difficult situation for everyone involved, not trivializing what Zayn went through. Second, let’s all ponder what “keeping it in mind for next time” means. The next time one of your band members decides to abruptly leave mid-tour, or the next time Liam is in a band with Zayn? Of course, there’s no way to know for sure, but one of those two options is way more likely than the other. Take from it what you will.

So what we wind up with upon further inspection is a couple offhanded comments and a questionable interview with Simon’s bestie. All of it was unnecessary, I agree, and that raises the question, why is Liam talking about Zayn so much after 2 years of near radio silence? His team is obviously on board with this bizarre strategy, but why? I don’t know the specifics of why Liam’s team is continuing to associate Zayn and Liam, but I have a couple ideas. Perhaps it’s to perpetuate the idea that Liam is completely free of 1D. We could be led to believe that Liam was not allowed to discuss Zayn while in 1D, but now he is. This idea is limited by the elevator clip I mentioned early though. Why else would he randomly change his stance on one of the most controversial situations involving his best friend of 5 years? Perhaps in the future there will be a public reconciliation in which Zayn and Liam have a heart-to-heart, and that leads to an OT5 reunion. Who knows? But from what I do know about Liam, suddenly bashing Zayn after all they shared together is extremely out of character, and something that I refuse to take at face value.

I hope that this helps you understand how I worked through my feelings towards this unfortunate round of promo. I personally don’t see Liam apologizing for any of the above instances because none of them were truly meant to hurt Zayn. I think they were meant to reassociate Zayn and Liam in the press, but it was poorly planned and the attempts at humor fell flat. In my mind, there is no bigger Ztan than Liam himself, and I completely understand why this has thrown a lot of people for a loop. Here’s hoping for a better round of promo in the coming month.

If anyone wants to continue this discussion, feel free to shoot me an ask or message me! I may take a bit to respond but I will answer eventually!