#THE LAST TIME ONCE STUCK ME SO BAD LIKE DONT EVEN @ ME EVER

[widevibratobitch]

.

[dollettiee]

𐔌 . ⋮ 𝓓𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐢𝐍’ 𝐢𝐅 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐇𝐔𝐒𝐇 .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱

୧ 𝓢𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘 ୨ . . . you learned your lesson to never escape from yandere! gojo satoru ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა

୧ 𝓒𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑/𝐒 ୨ . . . gojo satoru x f! chubby reader

୧ 𝓒𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐒 ୨ . . . mdni. yandere themes, punishment, locked up in a room, petnames (bad girl, baby cakes), ooc? mentions of killing, reader is chubby but isn‘t stated. this can be seen as platonic or romantic relationship. (m. list)

୧ 𝓝𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒 ୨ . . . first time writing smth like this tee heee !!! hope i dont make him too ooc,, i tried balancing the romantic and platonic trope so hope it works lol anw requested by this anon, ty !! <3<3

𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐕𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐃 to never escape from gojo satoru, the man who killed all your family and friends to have you for himself. the man who‘s selfish enough to not let anyone looking at you. the man who locked you up in his penthouse with an excuse to “protect you from the curse”.

gojo satoru is a man who will kill anyone if they tried to get on his way. he doesn‘t hesitate to push someone‘s grandma out of his way ── because he‘d do anything, anything just to have you on his side.

‘till to this day, you still fear him. the man you once knew was now your captor, laying down on the couch with his arm wrapped around you like he‘s been friends with you for years. he‘s watching the movie and laughs at the character saying some stupid joke, occasionally glancing at you (even though he has his blindfold on) as if to expect you to have the same reaction as his.

he acted like he didn‘t know what caused to act . . . strange. he thought as you always looked empty, and when his presence came to known, your eyes immediately changes to fear.

but he knew deep down, he knew what happened ─ because on one night, satoru had a mission assigned by someone whom you don‘t know. you noticed the door was unlocked, strange. because you knew satoru would always lock the doors so that you won‘t be able to escape, maybe he was rushing?

not wasting any thoughts, you stood up and ran towards the door, itching to feel the pinch of freedom, itching to finally see your family and friends, itching to go back to your life that you used to have.

your eyes shines to feel the cold metal of the golden door knob, already imagining to eat your favourite fast food, getting your own pet dogs, or even cats ── doing things that you‘re restricted !

but sometimes good things comes to an end, like colliding satoru‘s chest and looking up at him, you find him smiling with his perfect rose tinted lips.

“that was a quick one,” he chuckles like it was the funniest joke he ever said. you backed away with fear swirled in your eyes. “knew you‘d fall for my test. ah, silly you !”

“w─what ? what do you mean this is a test !?”

“do you think i‘m stupid enough not to lock the doors ? even if i‘m rushing, i will never leave the door unlocked.” his face went cold after saying that, but it soon changes and his smile went back to his face.

“anyways, i‘m on my off days, so no missions for yippe !” he clapped his hands, while you were staring at him ── this man seriously doesn‘t take anything serious ?

“let me out of here ! let me go home !” your mouth spoke your mind as you grabbed his biceps. “home ? baby cakes, you are at home, here ! you‘re with me ! if you‘re asking for a bigger home, i can──”

“i─i don‘t want anything from you ! i‘m tired of living here for God knows how long, let me out of this hell of a place that you call home !” tears were now filling your eyes as the words were stuck in your throats. you have a lot to say to him, but you ended up choking on your own words.

“i─i just wanted to see my family and friends . . is that to─too much to ask ?” you whispered the last part as you went down to the floor, as the tears escaped.

the silence was loud, only your sobs were heard. your wrist were harshly grabbed by satoru‘s slim hands. “satoru ? ─”

he ignored you and dragged you to across the hallway ─ no matter how much you tried to pull away your hand from his inhuman strength, he doesn‘t budge. he stopped in front of a door that you always passed by. “. . satoru where are we──”

the man opened the door not letting you finish the sentence and pulled you into a the dark room. your tears dried out as you noticed the floor was wet, you could see mold growing at some corners, and a small mattress which probably has fungus growing inside. a light came from the small window, not too far away across you, but you do know it was sealed shut.

well, you surely hope he doesn‘t lock you up here─

“because you‘ve been a bad girl, this is where you‘re going to sleep for tonight. hope you learn your lesson.”

as if he reads your mind, your eyes widens as you turn around to see the door was already closed and ran to it. you pushed the door, attempting to break it and desperately wanted to get out.

“i─i‘m sorry, toru please let me out ! i‘ll be a good girl i─i promised please ! . . .” your cries from the room were heard by him. the man, who you once know became someone out of your nightmare. the guilt was eating him alive as he heard your sobs getting louder with each steps, but he knew he had to do it.

the man, gojo satoru who you thought was your friend became a monster, who would do anything to get it‘s victim.

© all rights reserved ! headers/layouts does not belongs to me ! don‘t copy, plagiarize or modify my works. all works are taken in a form of fiction, do not condone any problematic behavior. ૮꒰ྀི∩´ ᵕ `∩꒱ྀིა

[sugurufic]

Two best friends in a room... (Gojo x F!Reader)

Summary: You and Gojo are stuck with each other one evening and Gojo decides to make a tiktok. You've got your own devious plan in your head.

Word Count: 1k

Content: fluff, Its a bit different from the other trends i've written… gojo tries this one on you instead, reader mentions she is bad at biology but likes math (self insert).

masterlist

“Satoru, why do you only have sweets for snacks?” you complain, plopping down on his bed. “Don’t you ever crave something salty or sour or spicy?”

“Hey! Stop whining about my sweets in my dorm!” He pouts, half sitting up. “You should’ve gotten your own snacks instead.”

“Suguru and Shoko aren’t here yet,” You say, taking out your phone to text in the groupchat. “I’ll ask them to bring me something other than sweet.”

“Oh, Suguru is busy - Yaga sent him on a mission at the last moment.” Gojo complains. “Shoko is busy preparing for her med school entrance exam.”

“Oh, right! I had totally forgotten about that,” you say, thinking about Shoko. She didn’t really need to prepare this hard, but you figured she did it because she enjoys studying about the human body. She has the brains to do it, you dont - having always been more inclined toward maths than biology. “Shoko’s stronger than me because I had already given up on biology back in middle school.”

“That is good because you make an excellent sorcerer.” Gojo says, somehow the teasing is missing in his words. “People would have died if you became a doctor.” There he is.

“Oi! I wasn’t that bad.” You defend yourself.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” he shrugs.

“What do you want to do then, Satoru?” You ask.

“Let’s make a tiktok!” He sits up straight, reaching for his phone on the nightstand. “I have been wanting to do this for ages,”

“What?” you ask, not recalling any trend that you have come across recently. But that might be because you don’t use tiktok (A/N: not a lie, but i use ig reels so it's the same)

“It will be funnier if you don’t know,” the white haired man grins, looking at you from over his sunglasses. His bright blue eyes sparkle with mischief - which you’d have found adorable if you weren’t the target of his joke.

He sets his phone up, floating it in the air above the bed with his limitless. The mischief is not gone from his eyes, and he has ditched the glasses for now. You rarely get the chance to admire his pretty blue eyes - it’s for your own good, you think. His eyes are captivating.

The audio starts to play, and Satoru says the words with it, “two best friends in a room…” you recognize the audio, but force yourself to not give it away, a devious plan forming in your head on seeing his annoyingly endearing smirk. “...they might kiss,” he finishes, and you give him a shy smile, keeping up the innocent act.

“Yes we will,” you say with the audio, still keeping that innocent act with puppy eyes looking right into his pretty blue eyes.

“What?” the what he says times up with the audio, but the shock on his face is genuine.

“I said, yes we will,” you finally give up the innocent act and smirk, loving the red-faced Satoru, who looks like he is about to explode. You turn towards him, on your hands and knees as you lean into his space and he seems to be running on autopilot and leaning towards you, the red flush never leaving his face. The audio continues to play promiscuous girl, but you don’t pay much mind to it.

Just as your lips are about to touch, you look at Gojo - his pretty eyes closed and lips open expectantly, and you almost feel bad for what you are about to do to him. Keyword being almost. You have gotten a once in a lifetime opportunity to get the ultimate teasing rights over him - with the proof being recorded, and no matter how much you want to kiss him too, you steel your nerves to not laugh, and blow air into his ear instead. 

Your warm exhale into his pink ears has your best friend shivering with a shrill squeal, and the phone drops to the bed, still recording as Gojo loses all his focus.

“What the hell was that?!” He screams, voice still higher pitched.

“I was having a bit of fun,” you say, biting your lip to stop the laughter. “But you looked like you actually wanted to kiss me?”

“So what if I did?” He gets defensive and pouty. “You’re pretty and I like to hang out with you.”

“Is that so?” you tease, feeling warmth creep up your face. “Go on then,” you say, knowing well enough that you will regret this later, but you can’t not do it. “I’ll let you kiss me,”

If Satoru was blushing then, his blood vessels looked ready to combust when you said those words in that challenging tone. He was all but compliant, leaning towards you when you took charge and grabbed the collar of his white shirt, pushing yourself to him, your knees on the outside of his thighs and your lips pressed against his. His large hands fly to your hips, holding on to them as if his life depends on it and parting his lips eagerly to welcome your tongue.

Your heart thunders in your ears, disbelief at the fact that you are kissing your best friend, your very attractive best friend that people would give anything to get a chance with. One of you hands leaves his collar and rests against his warm cheek, caressing it gently as the kiss turns into a full make out session with you sitting on his lap and his hand reaching down to your ass.

When you separate, both of you are panting, heavy lidded eyes looking into one another, and Gojo finally breaks the silence with a breathy admission, “I don’t think I can ever stop wanting to kiss your sweet mouth, princess.”

“Then don’t stop,” you whisper back, resting your forehead on his.

“Be my girlfriend,” he asks.

“Be my boyfriend,” you say.

“Hey girlfriend,” he tests.

“Hey boyfriend,” you tease.

“Let's go on a date, girlfriend.” Gojo suggests. “I’ll let you have something other than sweet, babe.”

You giggle and nod, before taking his phone and sending the tiktok to yourself. Boyfriend or not, you can never pass up the opportunity to get blackmail material against him. He is an annoyance, but he is your annoyance now.

A/N: man i love bottom-coded gojo with my whole heart. also first time writing gojo i hope you like it &lt;3

[dvrk-moon]

ENHYPEN OT7 ; 엔하이픈

PLAYING MINECRAFT WITH THEM

requested : no

genre : crack, fluff

pairing : enhypen x reader (can be platonic)

warnings : cursing + the members being menaces

heeseung ; 희승

absolute sweat

like speed runner esque

nags on you for being too slow and making him have a speed run time of over fifteen minutes

like you’re barely getting an oak log and he’s already in the nether. like u turn away for two seconds and he’s already built the portal

“heeseung where did you go” “i’ve almost killed the wither wait” … “CAN U CHILL OUT WE JUST CREATED THIS WORLD”

so u thought u were gonna have fun hanging out with heeseung on minecraft? NO

because as soon as he finishes his speed run and you finally got your first diamond, he’s decided to build a base

and u thought he was gonna be all cute and make u a room awwww!!! no.

he does make u a room, but the stairway up to ur room is a parkour course

(when the fuck did he have time to even make that?!!?!!)

first and last time playing minecraft with him

jay ; 제이

absolute knight in shining armor

literally

those mobs have nothing on his iron drip

protects u even if u don’t need it

“oh shit there’s a creeper” “ON MY WAY Y/N”

his netherite sword is CRACKED. like perfect enchantments

when he’s not protecting u he becomes ur farmer

the farm is so organized and beautiful jay is literally my husband pls

does in fact laugh when u die tho

like he’ll collect your stuff for you but the second he sees “[your gamertag] fell from a high place” he’s going to laugh for like two minutes straight

also he keeps an extra chest in his room for u

like in case u need something OR u die and he’s not able to collect ur stuff so it despawns

jay is so husband. even in minecraft

jake ; 제이크

he’s played before ok (trust him)

(it was when he was like nine)

like he’s very very. bad

he’s trying tho!!!

keeps dying. like every two minutes you see “jake_awesome2002 was blown up by a creeper”

he does not know how to change his gamertag so ur just stuck playing with jake_awesome2002

he starts getting the hang of it and immediately thinks he’s cracked at the game (he’s not)

so he disappears from you out of nowhere and so you try to help him :

“jake where are you” … “jake” … “jake sim where the fuck are you” …………. “i don’t know”

(cue “jake_awesome2002 fell out of the world”)

“JAKE HOW DID YOU FALL OUT OF THE WORLD” “I DONT KNOW”

he respawns and like sulks for three minutes before leaving and collecting dirt(?) for some reason

coincidentally you keep finding dirt blocks placed throughout your base afterwards! how silly of him!

sunghoon ; 성훈

he was so ready to show u how good he is

he’s not very good. but at least he’s better than jake!

he somehow is always in a cave or some sort of dangerous location

like say u found a village and you’re like “sunghoon come raid this village with me!”

meanwhile he’s trying not to die because of a pillager outpost

somehow he doesn’t?

he’ll go and do stuff like that or spend days in the nether and survive but his weakness is witches

like he doesn’t scream UNLESS there is a witch

and if you’re nearby ? he will 100% sacrifice you to the witch so that he can survive

womp womp

he actually sacrifices you quite a bit because he has like 36 levels

he thinks he’s funny when he does it too

sunoo ; 선우

honestly prefers to play in creative mode (me too sunoo)

but when you were like “let’s play in survival for once” he’s like “fiiiiiiiiinneeeeeuhhhh” (very dramatic about it)

he immediately builds a forever base when you spawn in

makes you do all the mining and stuff

he will tag along! but he won’t do shit

he’s the interior designer. he’s got bigger and better things to do

he only redeems himself when you go into the base and find your minecraft beds right next to each other

besides holding the house down, he also has an extremely high scale and successful farming system

so if you ever check in his chests, 100% you will find like 20 stacks of wood, stacks of wheat, of carrots, of beets, etc.

may be a homebody in minecraft but at least he’s fun to play with !!!! 10/10 would recommend to a friend

jungwon ; 정원

the miner

like you’re trying to get along with your day until jungwon stops and drops into the smallest cave ever

“what are u doing” “wait y/n we might need this copper” “jungwon don’t u already have like three stacks of copper” “yeah but we might need it”

lots of time spent mining

u eat your words tho when he is decked out in diamond armor from almost the get-go

when you guys build a base it HAS to have a little mine under the house (little as in huge)

somehow has like ten dogs?

“this one is maeumi, this one is maeumi’s friend, this once can be gaeul… maybe this one can be layla? oh! and this one is maeumi’s other friend. this one is bisco. this one is yours but you don’t get to name it. i will name it for you.”

they would be cats if it was really up to you but you’ll live

also refuses to elaborate on this thing he does

he makes tons and tons of signs and just places them around the base

some of them make sense and others just don’t at all

has a 2x2 fenced in area and the sign outside of it says “jail”

has anyone ever been sent to jail there? no. but as jungwon says “just in case”

riki ; 니키

possibly the worst yet most fun person to play with

at first you’re like “let’s play together” and he’s like “yeah sure whatever” but little do u know he has every plan in the world to turn the game into warfare

it’s even worse if you are playing on a realm rather than just a server

he abandons you from the get-go and immediately runs away and you can’t catch him so he builds a base far away from you

the base is in fact a dirt house

but it’s minecraft who said he had to be an architect

yes he abandoned you and is regularly attacking you at any given chance but he still keeps his tabs on where you are

walks all over your farm and kills your livestock

leaves signs saying “riki was here” “get rikrolled”

since he keeps tabs on you, u have to be very cautious of what you leave in your chests

he will steal anything. just for fun

threatens to blow up everything because he just wants to

little does he know if he wants warfare ur gonna give him warfare

a/n : this is random but i played mc like two days ago and i thought this could be a silly idea

[mayearies]

CATS ALIKE .. miles g. morales ⟡

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 miles g. morales x fem! reader , fluff , no disclaimer

𐦍༘⋆ SYNOPSIS; you wanted a cat. miles did not. he made this pretty clear. he ignored, dismissed, and persuaded you to stop asking for a while. however, it came back again and again and again. guess how he caved.

WC; 728

𐦍༘⋆ NOTES; old fic i wrote also test for engagement i guess

౨ৎ

he purposely avoided your eyes for a while now. a little bit too long for both of your liking. he flipped through thr channels on the tv as he held you in his lap and you kissed him all over his face, muttering the word ‘please’ without break.

miles grumbled, knowing he would cave pretty soon. he had a sweet tooth for those chocolate lips of yours. he sighed loudly, throwing his head back on the arm of the sofa before looking at you with an annoyed expression. “if i do this for you, promise me you’ll shut up about it.” you nodded in glee.

you knew how to hold your end of the bargain, just one small favor. one small thing couldnt hurt his cold and stoic soul. he took you to the nearest petshop on the block since you wanted this more than ever. a cat.

miles didn’t like the idea. he was away most nights and didnt want something there to create more of a mess than you already did of his room (he would scold you but you knew he didnt really care that much). he could think of a million reasons why this was a bad idea. the only plus was that it was cute.

“which one you want, ma?” he followed you down the isle of cages and cries of the kittens, “preferably not the ones that shed a lot.” his voice sounded uneasy and skeptical. he knew how bad you wanted this.

“relax a little. these little things are so cute, how could you not want one?” 

he crossed his arms and watched as you stuck your hands into the bars to pet each one of them, to which some would hiss and deny. “maybe because i dont like cats,” he hissed. “their fur gets everywhere.”

“i say it’s worth it,” you replied sassily to match his tone.

“of course you do.”

you saw one in particular that caught your attention. a black cat that was missing an eye. the shopkeeper said he was born that way and that nothing was wrong with him. he was adorable, just as fiesty too. it didnt let you touch it until it smelled your hand. even then it was still ready to fight. reminds you of someone else you know. “i want this one.”

“the things i do for you.”

you laughed under your breath, “you say it like it’s a bad thing.”

that night, you were so excited to play with the little guy. miles however, could care less. he didnt want much to do with it. well, it may not come off as that because he bought the most expensive bed and cat litter for it, despite it being no older than a few weeks. 

you wanted to play with it first, but where’s the fun in that? “how about, i set up the cat litter and stuff and you get to know our new friend together?” miles raised an eyebrow as he set down the carrier. “is this some typa excuse?”

“no! just spend some time with it. last thing i ask, i promise.”

miles sighed and agreed. so much for promises. he opened the cage and waited for it to crawl out, but it didn’t. the sudden change in enviornment and scent must’ve been just kicking in. he reached his finger into the cage and felt the ends of the whiskers ticking it. then, it licked him. he wasn’t taken aback by it but it felt odd.

you finished installing the cat litter box and started walking towards the living room once you heard the tv on again, “so, how’d it-“ and the last thing you thought you’d see tonight just laid in front of you. miles was watching the screen as the little furball wrapped around itself on his chest. it was purring and by the torn fabric in his hood, you could tell it was kneading him.

“well, look who got along,” miles glared at you for that as you walked over to lay down behind him. “still don’t like cats?”

he playfully scoffed and rolled his eyes, his fingers drifting and gazling along the fur of its tail. “im still wondering why you chose that name for him.”

“whats wrong with it?” 

“who names their cat ‘meows morales?’”

@ MAYEARIES ‘23

[fromtheberrybush]

Egret Remembers

Egret remembers Berry- but isn't happy to know that the thing that's been alluding him about his life was something so utterly controllable. So he thinks. This is the conversation that follows..

tws: i actually don't know?? arguments, toxic family dynamics, referenced groomimg (v v vague- its like one scentence), sui attemp refence (not explicitly but if you know egret lore then yk)

His glare was piercing. Everything Berry thought it would be, and it hurt more than fae could ever imagine.

Maybe Berry was being selfish by holding those stolen memories so dear. Maybe it could be called self preservation.

"You fucking coward- you think you can just run away-? You left me there!"

"..." Berry stayed silent. There was no argument there- fae left him alone in that house.

"I thought-" Fae tried.

"Ya thought what-? That I wouldn't ever find out? That you'd finally be rid of me? That you'd escape-"

"THAT YOU'D HAVE IT BETTER-! They liked you- your life.. it should've been better.." Faer words started as a shout, shrinking in on themselves and ending as a whisper.

"..." Egret scoffed after a moment of silence, "Well- that fuckin' worked out didn't it-? I'm in Yokohama because Mom and Dad can't even look at me now- and you don't even know why."

Berry looks pained as he stops breathing for a second, "I know.. that it sounds bad but-"

"Do you-? Do you know that-?!"

"Fuck-! Yes- kid- I know that. I could- I could get to know you, if you'd let me-"

"You've long missed that chance, Ray. I'm not your fucking brother. You gave that up"

"...you're right. I'm sorry- for all it's worth"

"It's worth nothing."

It was nothing new- nothing Berry hadn't been telling faerself for the last four years.

But at least then fae had the fond memories of Egrets to lie to faerself. Now all he had was the disappointed stares of his parents and the hatred in the eyes of the brother he holds so dear.

Yeah, it's okay that Egrets would never forgive faer- because Berry wouldn't forgive faerself either.

"... You know, you're just like Mom and Dad. You can't even look at me- you can't bare to face your own fuck up. You wanna live in a fake reality with a fake family and replace what you had- and you can't even look at me." Egret sounded tired now- not angry or sad. Just tired.

Berry couldn't look at him. Fae couldn't look into the eyes and fae created- the hatred fae caused where there was once adoration.

But fae could say one thing, "It's not fake. What I've made for myself. And it's not replacing them- or you. It's just.. different."

"Fuck you and your 'different'- fuck that when I was stuck with Mom and Dad and their dinner parties and fake smiles and no one else. So forgive me for not being fucking estatic to hear you found something better than me and our fucked up family"

"I didn't say better-"

"-you didn't have to Ray-!" For the first time in a while tears welled in Egret's eyes. A weakness he'd sooner die than let anyone else see- yet here he was.

He continued, "You're happy- you can play happy big brother when I wasn't enough for you to stay with. I'm not an idiot"

Berry didn't look at him, "... I thought you were gonna be okay there."

"You thought wrong."

~~~~~~

blaaaah take this-

its not good ugh, but its here!! Don't kill me for berry & egret angst-

this happens in current timeline canon (or wtvr i call it)

tags!! @doakarma @aredeemantagonist @oscarsgallery @ezra-dark-shadow @myluckymoon @justsigma-bsd @paintedgrilledcheese (im trying to add new ppl just lmk if you dont wanna be tagged in stuff on the future) @the-fallen-collective @ilovefukuchi (i didnt forget u lil sis- shut up"

[thirdtimed]

does anyone want to read me poorly describing the events of third life through grian's pov for my friend's benefit. do note that Its long. and bad.

its like. Okay.

act 1

guy is responsible for this worlds first original sin (murder) (he didnt mean it) (quite literally was just a prank gone horrifically wrong)

immediately tries to make it up to the guy he killed (scar) by pledging one of his own lives as surrogate/a symbol of allyship, albeit temporary-- he'll do all of scar's bidding, but only until he finally dies in turn. only then will the debt be considered repaid

its like. so vitally important to me that the materials & conditions for this arrangement. were quite literally Only grians idea. scar did not input any of this at all. grian dug himself a hole in the ground and refused to get out

he is stuck in a hole and its all his fault but hes blaming everyone else thats not him & hes very much not enthused about this partnership. at all. even if hes the one who decided this. even if he's the one who buried himself in the ground. because the guy he's now indebted to is a madman & makes more enemies than friends & quite frankly is just a dangerous man to be around in general. especially for a survival game. so he complains for the entire duration of their alliance that he does not want to be here & that he is only sticking around out of moral obligation and guilt. he doubly makes sure everyone else around him knows this too, letting them know how utterly pathetically powerless he is in this dynamic, as if he were a damsel needing to be rescued.

act 2

scar quickly loses his remaining lives, rendering him an infamous red name-- aka on his last life-- aka his primary objective has now switched to killing other players. he is hostile, and he is the only hostile on the server. this also means that grian is Really stuck with him now. green life players like him are supposed to be peaceful, nonviolent, and notably Far Away from their only known natural predator-- red names-- for the sake of their own survival. but green life players are also supposed to be allied with other green lives. grian is Still contractually obliged to do scars bidding. the debt has not yet been repaid.

so scar parades around the server intimidating other factions into obedience or swindling them out of resources & has grian do the equivalent of a sad little grunt worker weakly holding a gun to everyones head. he's sadly telling everyone "look, i dont have a choice, i owe him my first life; i may not be able to pull the trigger but i can still give him the gun."

meanwhile he has the gun trained on them constantly and has not once ever actually taken it off of them

see like. heres the thing. what makes grian so fun as a character is the guilt obviously but also the fact that he is Relishing in this newfound power he now has as proxy to scar's red name. "i cant kill" he says, as he goes to eagerly prepare traps and tnt explosions, "im just doing scar's bidding" he says, pointedly not mentioning how the traps were very much not scar's idea but His

he takes. so much glee. in the red life power association. he gets so many "indirect" kills as just a green name. hes a menace. and he gets to point to his creditor to avoid all blame

war breaks out and they somehow manage to survive the wreckage. all the while grian is still adamant about leaving once he loses his first life. he takes every possible moment to remind scar that this alliance is temporary-- its conditional, and he's more than ready to fly free once the cage is unlocked and open

its so fun. Because he says all this ^ REPEATEDLY. ad nauseum. i cannot stress this enough. but all his actions point otherwise. he's constantly checking up on scar making sure he's still alive. the red name may give scar prestige but its a very tenuous fragile source of power-- he's on his last life. once he dies for a third time he'll be gone for real. and grian, despite all his complaints and airs of reluctance, does everything in his power to keep scar alive. "im going to leave" he says. "once my debt is paid im out" he says, all while bandaging scars wounds. all while detailing plans that explicitly position scar in the safest area possible on the battlefield (putting him in the bunker, because his life is "too valuable.") Like Okay. Sure. Sure.

act 3

obviously. grian eventually dies. during that exact battle too, the one he painstakingly orchestrated to light up the desert in countless explosives. dies by his own hand, really, wounded by his own explosives, caught in his own trap, the tiniest final strike being a swift enemy arrow to the head. he loses his first life & his debt is at last repaid. the cage is open! you have the key. you can fly. you can leave.

obviously. he doesn't leave.

he doesnt leave because he still has a sense of "moral obligation" <- (quote) he doesn't leave because scar is "the most interesting… [significant pause] Character. on the server" <- (quote) he doesn't leave because he wants to see this til the end

well. to the end he will see it.

numbers have dwindled. theres only 3 people left. and of those 3 people, only one of them remains with a significant leg up, having only died Once throughout the entire season thus far; two red eyes predatorily stalking the only yellow name left

yeah. betrayal. or, "betrayal" if you consider it as such. though it's another person's blade, it's clear as day that scar is the one who ordered it-- who killed him, really.

logically of course its the only decision that makes sense-- you have to even out the playing field. this way, everyone is a red name & on equal footing now. this way, we can finally talk.

this does Not. mitigate the sting of hurt & betrayal on grians end. after all that we've been through? after all that i've done for you? & worst part is that he Feels like this but also Knows, logically, this is the only way it could have possibly played out. he should have known. betrayal and lies and deceit is scar's very nature. he's watched him this entire time. of all people, he should have known.

he goes in with blind rage screaming "traitor!" he doesn't notice the secretive glances scar shares his way, he doesn't notice the whisper leaving his lips in a hushed, "i have a plan." he is angry, he is hurt, and he is done caring about anyone.

in the midst of that chaos, of the sun going supernova, the last person dies without so much of a fanfare. all of a sudden, its only the two of them left.

and as grian raises his sword, scar simply lowers his head. "you may slay me." <- (quote) "for everything that you've done" <- (quote) he's so utterly willing to lay down his life. after all, its a debt owed. for all that grian has done for Him……

grian obviously sputters to a stop. " i cant do it" <- (quote) "i literally cant do it" <- (quote). mind you this is all being executed with about as much drama as any other youtube minecraft letsplay meaning none at all. theyre giggling and laughing because its all just so ridiculous and funny. theyre roleplaying but also not but also aware that theyre roleplaying and cant help but laugh at themselves for it. It is not nearly as angsty as i am actually describing it even though what i have described is Literally What Happened (albeit with a dramatic flare or two there. but still)

theyre at an impasse. they dont want to kill each other. but there can only be one winner. the ghosts chant for a bloodbath-- a barebones fist fight to the death

they decide to do it at the tattered remains of what used to be their home. that sand castle on the cliffside in the middle of the desert. in a ring of cacti & fire they declare this a double victory before counting down & fighting to the death. and theyre smiling and laughing and giggling while also wailing "im so sorry" "im so sorry"

scar dies. through skill or luck it doesnt really matter. grian wins. congrats man. first winner Ever. survival expert extraordinare. youre king. youve demolished the cage. your wings are unbound (theyve been unbound this entire time)

you've won.

"i dont feel good about this at all" <- (quote)

he wails & apologizes to scar (to nothing, to no one) & promptly thanks the audience for watching. video over! season over! thank you so much for watching. none of us would have ever expected the direction this has gone in.

good morning, and case i dont see you……

he ends the video by jumping off the cliff.

hey! so about that bird that wailed and screamed and cried to be set free and once you opened the cage he locked the door back himself and threw away the key

hey so About that bird that took to the sky & very much did not fly

[adoredmarrow]

í feel unwanted a lot or at least like im always the place holder friend and never feeling like other people would choose me if they had more options.

i have gotten a couple new friends recently. we see a lot with the other one and get along very well and have similar interests. she has also talked about being lonely and friendless a lot through out her life but one day when i was telling her how i had a friend once that only would see me when others werent free, she said that oh thats kinda like how we are. she said it jokingly and added that yeah there isnt many others and youre the one here so thats why we are friends. it hurt cause it wasnt even the second time this has happened to me. i thought i had made a genuine connection and a friend again but she doesnt see me that way, it makes the joy i have had with her feel bitter.

i didnt have many close friends growing up. i thought i had but later on i have realized this. this one time has stuck with me. this one friend that i thought was a close friend or almost my best friend ever and that i saw a lot after school and for years. at the least this one summer she didnt reach out but one single time that she called for advice on a subject that i knew a lot about and that was it, she didnt ask how i was or if we could meet up just nothing else.

my last relationship if you could call it that, wasnt good. we rarely were officially together, she would get interested in others and leave me alone with no care for my feelings. when they would leave, she would come back to me and pretend like that didnt happen and be all lovely with me and say she wanted to be close with me again and then the whole thing would repeat.

with another not too long ago made friend, i find her easy to talk to and she was been flirty with me sometimes and i do like that but im afraid the same thing will happen again as with my last relationship. we havent known for that long. her last and only relationship was bad and with a man and i think shes trying to find something in me to feel healed from it without necessarily knowing me well or having a romantic connection with me. in my last relationship the girl would leave me for men mostly. i dont know i just have this fear that im only good for as an idea or as an experiment.

my mother has never had many close friends and would use me as kind of a friend. she has felt more like an older roommate to me than a mother. she dumps her interests and struggles on me and then brushes everything i have to say aside. my mother nor my father has ever seemed interested in who i am or what i do. most of the time if im in a group setting and i speak its quickly forgotten what i added into it. others in my family almost every single time brush aside or misunderstand what i said and dont ask for a clarification.

most of the time i feel like people dont listen to what i say even in a casual conversation, people dont respond or they interrupt me without a care for what i was saying. i dont understand how it keeps happening with so many people through out my life. do they notice me as autistic in their own way and place me lower than other people? is it that i dont boast about work or education? or because i dont perfectly conform in other ways? is it my slightly noticeable speech impediment?

i feel like i will always feel like the second option in everything. i have been trying to mask my whole life and i put myself out there and i have nice interactions here and there with strangers and im happy for it. im not going to stop trying to find people like me but sometimes even just sharing something feels pointless.

[imagineitdearies]

Hello! Just finished PS. I cannot praise you enough. Its easily the best thing ive read this year, and my resolution was to read multiple books a month. You surpass ALL OF THEM!

Saw ur authors note at the end abt an original queer vamp novel- is there anymore info yet? Im sure you've got ppl begging already but id truly love to beta when the time comes- or be first in line to preorder.

I feel like i read this at exactly the right time of my life.

The story was so painful yet rewarding bc i see so much of myself in Tyrus. Astarion and Tyrus truly feel like two different exstensions of my healing self. I wont go into it, but im a survivor to. Like tyrus, it happened when i was a young. Seeing his transformation throughout his decade of enslavement, his hatred towards himslef and the world, all bc of one man hit home. I kept telling myself that if it didnt have a happy ending id have to burn my phone or smthn lol. Seeing Astarion amd Tyrus not just defeat Cazador, but do it together, do it solely through their love of one another, broke me. The power of love, hope, and goodness. I havent cried over a fanfic since middle school. Im in my 20s now. I adored the final 2 chapters of the aftermath- im so grateful we got to meet his sister! And with Halsin, no less!

Im so thrilled you'll be adding oneshots and other stories to the universe. Tyrus is so real, so alive, id hate to see him contained in one story.

I love how Tyrus, ultimately, changeed. He didnt change into a monster like he feared, but what happened to him did changed him. Thats not a bad thing, tho. He's still Tyrus, simply a new version. And im still me, simply a new version.

I dont know if ill ever be able to reread, even skimming over the rougher parts was hard, but im so grateful i was able to see Tyrus and Astarion's journey. All of their triumphs felt like mine, all of their failures. Their never wavering love and trust in one another, that they understood it was Cazador that made them do those bad things. Ur right, pain and love must be intertwined, which is why this fic was so amazing. The highs would have never felt so spectaular without the lowest of lows.

Im rambling, i apologize. I do hope you read this, even if you dont respond. I hope my thanks and praise can give u something in return for what you've given me.

If you've made it this far, have you made any content on ur process? Ur planning? The flow was amazing, ur description, the flashbacks- did you go to school for writing? As a writer myself im almsot jealous at ur talent- but mostly curious :) id love to know anything you're willing to share.

Again, thank you. This was a gift, you know. I wont forget it.

Hi turtleurtle!! Great to see you over here, thank you so much for your kind words 🩵🩵 it means a lot any time I hear people enjoyed PS as much/more than published fiction!!

Speaking of, yes, since you ask I do have a little more to say now on my original story. I took a small writing break for a week or so but have now jumped back into the saddle for the next adventure! Lots of plotting, character creation, worldbuilding, and research happening right now.

Reuben, our first main POV, is almost fully fleshed out as a character and I’m so excited for you all to meet him (he’s an eloquence bard, for starters)!! The first book/part is almost fully outlined and I’ve written the first few pages. I’m really starting to get inspired by where the storyline is going.

Back to PS though—I’m so glad you felt seen with Tyrus’s character. He did inevitably change, but by the end he is (mostly) at peace with that and can still forge a good life and happy relationships. Meeting Cynda again was that last little piece of hope he needed to believe it 🥹

Haha the light does always seem brighter when you’re stuck in pitch darkness! On the other hand, it’s something Tyrus only thinks once, but I would argue love is not intertwined with pain more than anything else. Pain is just an inevitability. No matter what you do, you will experience discomfort, sorrow, loss, physical suffering (see Cazador, with absolutely zero love in his life). While love is not inevitable, it’s a choice. Love is a gift we choose to give and to receive in the midst of inevitable suffering and that is why it is so precious. Having that perspective has really helped me heal and have more hope for the future 🩵

Haha never apologize for rambling about PS! This thing has consumed my soul for the last 8 months so I love the chance to hear from/converse with people especially now that the full story is posted and all is revealed. Honestly wish I could sit down with you all and just discuss everything!! But seriously thank you for this message.

As for my writing, here’s a few writing advice asks I've answered, but i haven’t gotten too in-depth on my chaotic process yet. I will say long walks talking to myself, bullet lists, and brackets are my personal recipe for success (besides just writing for years and years) 😂 I did take a lot of classes in school too! If people have specific questions, I’m happy to give my best go at an answer.

Thanks so much 🥰

[bisaster-energy]

you can tell me about your idea!!!

thank you so much 😭 it's kinda long sorry

SO i was listening to a song my sister like (Valerie, Amy Winehouse) and there's this line about ginger hair and it was just so specific ig it stuck with me? so im thinking man who do i know with red hair...DUH KUWABARA!!!

nearly every song i listen to gets assigned a character or ship or relationship of some sort idk why but yeah once i fixated on the hair i was able to expand on the rest of the song and a sort of idea settled in the back of my head about kuwameshi

we all know kuwabara is always the one getting left behind but what if while he's off doing his thing yusuke also feels that sense of loss? an absence even though it was his decision to up and leave. it makes no sense cos hey! you felt the need to go back to the demon realm bro but he cannot help how he feels left behind in some illogical sense. i made some notes 😤😤

centers round the time where yusuke goes back to makai after the whole sensui debacle and kuwabara is getting his education studying in prep for college (hell yeah boy !!) not sure if the timelines even match up like that but i literally dont care

i'm working under the canon divergence that keiko really did decide she's not gonna wait for urameshi like that but ofc she's still his bestie and he loves her sooooo much <3

so he's going back. he's a demon now so he feels drawn to the culture. it's a side of himself he's never known after feeling so othered ofc he's interested right?

i mean sure he grew up with other humans but almost everyone hated him/was scared of him ironically he was called a demon or monster or wtv

reactions like that are why he almost decided not to come back to life in the first place!! it wasn't a welcoming atmosphere and even his home didn't feel great cos his mom isn't exactly the mothering type

im all for deadbeat moms but the neglect will fuck a kid up. demon heritage or not

and he loves her and all but it's just all fucked up at home so he ended up wandering around a lot being mad about his shitty life and he likes fighting so that's what he did!

and obviously in makai this behavior isnt like. crazy or uncalled for

but yeah the only connections he's got to ningenkai is his mom, keiko (her parents by extension) and of course kuwabara; the only friends he managed to not scare off

anyway. you get it. so yusuke is back in makai and without his permission his mind keeps wandering to kuwabara who he hasn't seen in let's say. a year and some change? i'll decide later but A While

and like. last time he was in the demon world kuwa was WITH him yknow? like yeah the world was ending but it feels weird without him even if he is having a blast fighting with his new demon buddies and acquaintances

so he's a little distracted when he literally came here to fight he cant even focus on it

"how is college prep treating him? are the teachers there just as bad as middle school? did he make new human friends? a girlfriend?" basically he's spiraling over changes he might be missing out on this very moment

there's a bunch of talk in the song where the singer wonders if valerie dyed her hair if she's busy if she ever paid that fine if she sold her house if she got a man so that's where i got it lol

yusuke doesn't have to worry about kurama and hiei cos hey they're from here and have lived way longer and they actually do visit but who knows what typa shit could be happening to kuwa right now

ofc he can take care of himself he's really strong but yusuke can't help but remember that time he let kuwabara go when he shouldn't have and he almost died because he wasn't there and yeah. he's worried. sue him

so it's half worry half wistfulness and maybe some other secret third thing and when hiei and maybe kurama (depending on how the idea forms as i write) come to visit or maybe they're also participating wtv

he cant help but think well kuwabara could be here with us if he really WANTED to :/ he's got the jigen to down pat by now so...why hasn't he...

and those old but ever remaining insecurities resurface about how people don't wanna be around him they think he's a nuisance at best no good waste of time a trouble maker. keiko already dumped my sorry ass so who knows maybe kuwabara just...wisened up

hiei and kurama are like this bitch is back on his bullshit (affectionate)

they manage to weedle his worries out of him hiei ofc trying to act like he doesnt really care (he cares a lot) "you must not have much faith in kuwabara if you think he'd abandon you just from some time apart. and i thought HE was the oaf between the two of you"

kurama with his fox self is like "well yes hiei is right of course kazuma is too loyal to do something like that. but he is human...the only human of us now."

yusuke is like wth is that supposed to mean on the defensive even tho kurama is their friend and hasn't even said anything untrue and hiei narrows his eyes a bit maybe but is still acting like this doesn't really concern him

"i just mean that...from what i've learned about humans over the time i've spent with them...time feels different. we demons live such long lives that when faced with the human lifespan well...it can be laughable to some. that's why demons can be so callous about their lives."

yusuke just wants him to get to the point ofc "what i'm saying is we don't need a lot of contact with each other to keep relationships fresh and healthy but, kuwabara might be a little different. 3 years will do nothing to your bond but...i do worry about longer periods..."

and he seems to just trail off and it just gets quiet and a little sad and hiei isn't looking at them anymore

kurama starts again pretty cheerfully tho "well, don't worry! i'm planning on staying in the human world for quite some time once i'm done with this visit! i do have the company to take care of so i'll make sure to see kazuma all the time! i'll even send him a message from you if you want to say anything :)"

kurama has deliberately been using kuwa's first name knowing damn well urameshi doesn't even use it because this dude is not JUST a sweetie he's a fucking master manipulator. gaslight gatekeep bbg

yusuke is like okay yeah no new plan i'll just go see him now. no need for a middle man thanks anyway and then he's just gone. left the tournament early. like bruh that's what you came here for 😐

so yeah he's breaking into kuwa's house next thing you know and ofc he goes through the window not the door like a normal person and he just kinda stops short because he hasn't seen his friend in what feels like forever even though it's only been like a year or so but he just looks so different

and yeah a big part might be the hair he's never seen without that popadour, long soft copper coils, and he's somehow even bigger than when yusuke left him jesus when did he get so swole? when did he have time in between all those brainiac classes

yusuke knows he's bound to look a lil different too ofc i mean they weren't kids anymore really but like. when they hell did you go and grow up?

"next time i come back is this even gonna be your house anymore? will you still wanna hang out with dropout delinquent demon urameshi?" he gets so insecure in so little time

anyway kuwabara didn't sense him at first cos yusuke isn't a threat and he never really thought he'd be coming especially not yet but when he does notice

kuwabara just gets the biggest goofiest grin he's like urameshi you dog when the hell did you get back in town you're early!!

and yusuke is significantly eased by this reaction but now he feels stupid cos he up a left everything just to what? bother kuwabara while he studies to achieve his dreams? yusuke has got no human world aspirations like keiko had. like kurama has. like kuwabara.

and ofc kuwabara looks glad to see him but he wasn't desperate enough to just show up like yusuke had just done and he feels like a pathetic loser so he pouts

he's like yeah hey man just uh. checking in. and i should probably check out hah you seem busy with your books so im gonna scram and he tries to retreat through the window

and ofc kuwa is NOT letting him get away

and there's that desperation yusuke had selfishly wanted to see. kuwabara had just grabbed him without thinking even though he'd promised himself when urameshi left he wasn't gonna just sit around waiting for his life to start when he came back

he remembers when yusuke took him into that headlock and he wanted to succeed like he said he would that day

but still he's just thinking about urameshi all the time and it's awful. he always said he was gonna beat him some day but he just wanted to be near him. but all he sees is his back, even right now

part ii cos it's too many words!

[soupdeewoop]

favorite lines from "THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT"

your wife waters flowers, i want to kill her

All my mornings are monday stuck in an endless february

but you're in self-sabotage mode, throwing spikes down the road

we're modern idiots

You smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate

i scratch your head, you fall asleep, like a tattooed golden retriever

sometimes i wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me, but you told lucy you'd kill yourself if I ever leave

'cause it fit too right, puzzle pieces in the dead of night, I shouldve known it was a matter of time

'cause i knew too much, there was danger in the heat of my touch, he saw forever so he smashed it up

did you really beam me up?, in a cloud of sparkling dust, just to do experiments on, tell me I was the chosen one, showed me that this world is bigger than us, then sent me back where I came from

now im down bad crying at the gym, everything comes out teenage petulance, "fuck it if I cant have him", "I might just die, it would make no difference"

how dare you think its romantic, leaving me safe and stranded

my spine split from carrying us up to the hill, wet through my clothes, weary bones caught the chill

thinking how much sad did you think I had, did you think I had in me? oh the tragedy

i stopped cpr, after all its no use

two graves, one gun, ill find someone

you swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? i died on the alter waiting for the proof

i just learned these people try and save you 'cause they hate you

id rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitchin' and moanin', ill tell you something 'bout my good name, its mine along with all the disgrace, I don't cater to all these vipers dressed in empire's clothing

there's a lot of people in town that I bestow upon my fakest smiles

my friends tried, but i wouldn't hear it, watched me daily disappearing, for just one glimse of his smile

another summer, taking cover, rolling thunder, he doesnt understand me, splintered back in winter, silent dinners, bitter, he was with her in dreams

little did you know you home's really only a town youre just a guest in

florida, is one hell of a drug, florida, can I use you up?

little did you know your home's really only the town youll get arrested, so pack your life away just to wait out the shitstorm back in texas

i need to forget, so take me to florida, ive got some regrets, ill bury them in florida, tell me I'm despicable, say its unforgivable, at least the dolls are beautiful, fuck me up, florida

go on, fuck me up

this cage was once just fine, am i allowed to cry?

what if hes written "mine" on my upper thigh only in my mind?

these fatal fantasie given way to laboured breath taking all of me, weve already done in my head

what if the way you hold me is actually whats holy?

they dont know how youve haunted me so stunningly, i choose you and me, religiously

if you wanted me dead you shouldve just said

crash the party like a record crash as i scream, "whos afraid of little old me?", you should be

i wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me, you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

you caged me and then you called me crazy, i am what i am 'cause you trained me, so whos afraid of me?

they shake their heads saying, "god, help her" when i tell 'em hes my man

ill show you heaven if youll be an angel, all mine

whoa, maybe i cant

i thought i was better safe than starry-eyed

if you know it in one glimpse, its legendary, you and i go from one kiss to getting married

you shit-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles, i wish i could unrecall, how we almost had it all

youre the loss of my life

the lights refract sequin stars off her silhouette every night, i can show you lies

'cause im a real tough kid, i can handle my shit, they said "babe, you gotta fake it till you make it" and i did

lights, camera, bitch, smile, even when you wanna die

im so depressed, i act like its my birthday everday

'cause im miserable (haha), and nobody even knows, try and come for my job

and i dont even want you back, i just want to know, if rusting my sparking summer was the goal

you didnt measure up in any measure of a man

in fifty years will all this be declassifed?, and ill say, "good riddance"

i wouldve died for youre sins, instead i just died inside

so when i touch down, call the amateurs and cut 'em from the team

'cause the sign on your heart said its still reserved for me, honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?

he jokes that "its heroin, but this time with an E"

you look like clara bow

this town is fake but youre the real thing, breath of fresh ait through smoke rings

the crowd goes wild at her fingertip, half moon shine, a full eclipse

youre the new god were worshipping, promise to be dazzling

beauty is a beast that roars down on all fours demanding more

you look like taylor swift, in this light, were loving it, youve got edge, she never did, the futures bright, dazzling

[mac-n-cheese-flavored-arson]

Now that it's been a few days and I've had time to recoup, I wanted to talk about the worst inaccessibility experience I've ever had in my wheelchair

So there's this place near me that's a family Christmas experience, and it's entirely outdoors (except a few kid focused things). There's a 1-2 mile trail of christmas lights (you can walk through or go on a hayride), an outdoor maze, fire pits for warming up and roasting marshmallows, booths selling drinks and snacks, and a few other things aimed specifically at kids. I went every year as a kid and I wanted to go one last time before I move out of state for the nostalgia (I don't even celebrate christmas anymore but I still wanted to go just this once).

It started off bad from the minute me and my partner got there. There were exactly 2 disabled parking spots there out of the hundreds, both full when we got there, and the other parking lot was about 200 yards away from any of the actual events or things to do. After we got our tickets and started on the 200yd path, we realized that the entire path was covered in about 4-5inches of huge gravel rocks. (Gravel might even be the wrong word here, since the rocks were all like plum sized or bigger.)

My wheelchair wheels immediately sunk and got stuck in the gravel, and I couldn't move more than an inch at a time. And every inch that I was able to move had to be done in a separate wheelie, because even my back tires were sinking and stuck in the rocks. We thought about turning around and going to ask for a refund, but I had my partner go up ahead and it looked like it was better where all of the activities actually were, so we kept going.

Aside from how physically hard it was trying to get up that path, it was also horrific emotionally. Just on that path from the parking lot to everything else, at least 15 different people tried to "help" me without my consent after I had specifically told them no (and while it would have been extremely dangerous for them to push my chair, since even me and my partner with years of experience were having a hard time not throwing me from my chair onto the ground). After telling multiple people not to push me when they just came up behind me and started trying to, eventually I was getting so anxious that my partner started heavily advocating and talking for me, and it reached a point that we had to put down my push handles and my partner had to stand directly behind my chair to keep strangers from just grabbing me. AFTER we had already done that, another man asked if I needed help, and when me and my partner had both already told him no, he came up behind me to try and push me anyways and then said "I was going to help you but you dont have any handles back here." And my partner just loudly said, "That's by design." and tried to turn the back of my chair away from him.

Everyone was just staring at me, and a few groups of people were talking about me completely within earshot. A group of teenagers snickered ahead of us that "people like that should just stay home". It was genuinely just humiliating and dehumanizing. I felt like I was in a zoo exhibit. All of this was before we were even inside. And it took us about half an hour to get from the parking lot to the actual event space.

When we get to the area that looked like it was better, it was still almost completely inaccessible. There wasn't a thick layer of the rocks everywhere like the path, but there were still the big rocks everywhere on top of loose dirt, making it where I could barely move more than a couple inches at a time. If I had been able to get up to the booths at all (but I couldn't because of the rocks), I wouldn't have been able to pay or grab my drink from the counter anyways because it was so tall that it was over my head completely in my wheelchair. I'm 5'8 standing and my wheelchair wheels are 26 inches. There was a little person there while I was there too, and I overheard an employee getting upset at him because he couldn't reach the card reader when the counter was about 2 feet over his head.

When we tried to go on the hayride, it was the most accessible part there, and it still was neither safe or even meeting the legal requirements. They had a wooden ramp set up for wheelchair users and parents with strollers to get on the hayride, but the ramp was 4x steeper than what's legally required (it went up 2 feet, but the ramp was only 6 foot long. The ADA requires that there be 12 foot of length for every foot it rises in height.). My partner struggled to push me up it, and if I were in an electric wheelchair it wouldn't have been able to go up it at all. Where the ramp connected to the ride, there was also a bump that I had to try to wheelie over without going barrelling down the ramp backwards. There was nowhere to sit or secure my wheelchair on the ride, So I was sat in the aisle in front of everyone on the ride. When the ride started moving, I realized that a lot of the path was uphill, and I had to physically hold my wheelchair in place to keep it from rolling and then throwing me off the back of the ride. It dislocated both of my shoulders, and I was trying so hard for this not to be even more dangerous that I wasn't actually able to watch or enjoy the lights.

After we got off the ride, I wanted to take pictures in an area that was set up with lights just for that, but I was already so exhausted and in pain that I didn't even bother trying to go over a bunch of loose sand to get down to them, especially since it was on a steep hill leading directly into a freezing lake.

I wanted to try the maze but didn't want to pay for it if I wouldn't be able to do it so I sent my partner to try and check if it was accessible. They were only able to check the entrance and it seemed fine so we bought passes for it. When we got over there we realized that there was a 3 inch curb that my partner had to help me get up. When we got further into the maze we realized that it was also completely inaccessible. The ground was covered in loose dirt and thick grass that I couldn't move through, and a few of the sections weren't wide enough for my chair to fit through at all.

I wanted to leave but my partner really wanted to roast a few marshmallows so we tried to go down to one of the fire pits for a few minutes, but I couldn't safely get to it because of the rocks. There was no bathroom I could physically enter either, because aside from the porta potties, the indoor bathroom had a huge concrete curb I couldn't get up. After that we left.

The entire thing was physically and emotionally exhausting, but the worst part is just how dehumanized I felt the entire time. I really did feel like an animal in a zoo. Everyone was staring at me, watching me not be able to move more than a few inches at a time, watching me almost get thrown from my chair every time me or my partner hit a rock the wrong way. My struggling felt like a circus act. Employees stared, kids stared, teenagers laughed or turned away, random men kept coming up behind me and trying to move/touch my chair without as much as a warning. I felt subhuman in every single way

And it was embarrassing, I know that I shouldn't be embarrassed that other people were treating me badly and that the place was designed without disabled people in mind whatsoever, but it was so embarrassing

The worst parts are that this place is a permanent installation (it's been around for decades and they never take anything down even when they're closed in the off seasons) and its advertised online as being wheelchair accessible.

I don't even know what the point of any of this is, but when a space is designed to exclude people this badly, it makes us feel like something less than human. The whole experience was awful and honestly a little traumatic, I'm still in a severe flare from it, and I'm pretty sure I popped one of my wheelchair tires there trying to go over the rocks

[autisticbokutoenthusiast]

tag game

tagged by @jgyapologism

1. why did you choose your url?

it was something different but i made a fan account on twt and then decided to also be found here? or maybe it was specifically when twitter started going to shit and we thought it would shut down the first times that i made this account an extension of that one? (it wasnt much before). and now i dont even use twt so lol

2. any sideblogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

no because i dont understand how they work

3. how long have you been on tumblr?.

9 years? i think i joined in 2015?

4. do you have a queue tag?

no cause i queue randomly and often. (i like getting to surprise myself with posts i like at a random later date)

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

i wanted to follow accounts that talked about my interests!! also i felt too cringe for the other sites and this webbed site has a loser reputation

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

uhhhhh it was my twt one last or maybe two pride months ago and i stuck with it. (it used to be bokuto in season 4 looking at hinata with his eyebrows iykyk)

7. why did you choose your header?

the power of volleyball yuri!!! i chose it to celebrate vnl but now that vnl is over ig i can change it... but i love melissa vargas so much i want her there

8. what is your post with the most notes?

"they should invent joints that dont hurt" <- banger i know and it has like 16,000 notes last i saw

9. how many mutuals do you have?

uhhhh idk how to even tell that

10. how many followers do you have?

244

11. how many people do you follow?

96 which is a lot but not all of them are active anymore :(

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

see my most popular

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

like 2-3 times, more if im bed bound.. is this chronically online of me? probably

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

not on this website i dont think...

15. how do you feel about 'you need to reblog this' posts?

i immidiately scroll past any "you need to __" make me want to not look at it

16. do you like tag games?

yes! but sometimes they make me nervous for no reason!

17. do you like ask games?

yes but i feel bad sending the asks cause what if i do the thinks ive been asked to wrong

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

in terms of certain tags/fandoms maybe but overall tumblr famous then no

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

no <3

[fairy25]

I'm not joking how am I supposed to continue living as a woman who has suffered serious trauma? I dont know what to do anymore.

I do not want to live (not a threat, just a fact. I am not in danger.) I don't know how I can go about my life when I am scared of men. Half of the people on the planet. I have been jobless for 3 years living with parents because I'm scared to be trapped in a confined space with male strangers again. In my last job, I was sexually harassed, touched, stared at, grabbed, threatened, and followed by male coworkers. It was a minimum wage BAKERY job. You'd think that would be an innocent place to work. I wore a hairnet, had hairy legs, and talked about my boyfriend at the time. and I still got harassed and they wouldn't stop even when i would talk to HR. When I told my ex-boyfriend I was raped he said I deserved it. I'm thinking maybe it's me who is wrong and maybe I just should somehow turn off my brain and let it all happen since I feel like I'm screaming and nobody even notices???

I genuinely don't want to live in the world anymore I'm just tired I wish I was a little girl again and I just want to play with my toys but i can't because im trapped in a 26 year old woman.

Sorry for ranting on christmas. I'm just having a bad day. I hope you had a good Christmas.

baby i would seriously recommend you find a female trauma therapist you feel comfortable with and commit to therapy once a week for at least a year. i would also recommend talking to a psychiatrist or even your primary care doctor if you feel comfortable to discuss getting on some anti-anxiety medication. i personally take propranolol & mirtazapine for anxiety (and migraines).

i know it feels endless right now (i have been there and i’m so so sorry you’re stuck in this dark place rn) but it is possible for things to get better, and for you to lead a “normal” life. i am rooting for you and i want to say your feelings are completely valid. i’m so sorry this is the state of the world. i’m so sorry that you’re unable to ignore the fear you feel, which is very real and very challenging to overcome. but you can overcome it. that doesn’t mean you have to be around men—i work fully remotely and the only men i talk to regularly are gay, old friends, or married to my friends/relatives.

merry xmas to you angel. i hope 2024 brings you more peace than this year. even if you don’t feel like it’s going to get better, please just keep going. sometimes progress is so gradual we don’t even realize it’s happening. sometimes it’s ok to distract yourself and take breaks from the real world. but keep going. if not for you, for other women. we need each other if we’re ever going to create a world where women don’t feel terrified just existing.

[pluck-heartstrings]

Here I be, tainting you're robot fic tumblr with *other* robot fic because I can not understate that even if I'm not sure where it stands, Behavioral Patterns would easily be in my top ten list of top fave fics of all time. I forgot how much it absolutely consumes me. I've got this internal image of all this rumbling and crooning probably looks normal to Shrike's robot brain but sounds like a chainsaw with autotune to a human. Shrike crying is just dialup screams as their sub programs try to connect to guardianship programming manually. The blankets look and feel soft to them but its straight up chainmaiI. think about Optimus being the only crazy one in the room for once because the Matrix can not handle parental protocols and has him running at 1000% caveman efficiency and how like, Bots who arent organic life fans are looking at the Human happy autobots treating human kids a lot like they do sparklings (looking at you optimus and your preteen sidekicks) and on top of a big old piece of "dredges of cultural ptsd from the quintessons" the Autobots probably look like those folks who are fighting with their parents over "treating their grandchildren right" and said grandkid it's a mostly hairless and toothless chihuahua. Like activating guardianship protocols over shortlived ugly little organic creatures probably isnt a great look.

I screamed when Megateon first showed up. I'm a Prime and Beastwars baby with a smidge of Bumblebee movie but I love me a complex megatron and I had no idea what Earthpark Megatron is like. BIG SOFT UNCLE! I love throwing Shrike at the Prime verse decepticons. A bunch of big eyed, freaked out, hackles raised giants who dont dare to move because they might hurt the tiny little thing using them all as a jungle gym and sounds like a wind chime their armour is so thin

Knockout: children are disgusting. You are disgusting. Come let me polish you in protest

Shrike with a grinch grin who is a little shit: new pranking favorite

Soundwave: hold up I got kid experience with my gestalts and stay inside all day they should stay with me

Shrike: New Pranking fave

Megatron: just keep the pathetic weak little thing out of my (vastley uncomfortable with this) sights and away from like, dangerous shit. But dont let it leave I wanna rub this in Optimus' face

Shrike: LEMME HELP OR NEW PRANKING FAVE

Miko: hey what's your problem with autobots? They rule and decepticons drool

Shrike: (vents about Optimus and lack of freedom)

Miko: hold up. (Busts through Autobot base door holding a wrench) "HEY! EVERYSINGLE ONE OF YOU! COME GET YOUR LUMPS ALSO WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?"

I think about the future and if Shrike ever gets siblings. I think about them being spoiled rotton and becoming just the most conceited, egomaniac but still not as bad as Starscream. They are the "but I'm baby" meme in metal flesh. I think about millennia down the road, cities rebuilt and the last vestiges of neutral parties coaxed home. Maybe they are suprised afterall in hidden seekers in the stars. And a Shrike the little royal baby in the crystal city.

I think about that big dumb medic being big dumb and far, far to old for kids finally giving Shrike cousins. I think about Elita one definitly being the favorite auntie and it driving Starscream up the wall.

I think about what would have happened if Thundercracker had noticed them a few moments later in the battle and they had gotten to the hatch? Thundercracker trying to coax them out as the world explodes around them. Maybe the trine and kid dont make it to the ship at all and are stuck on and hunted down on earth?

I think about what if Shrike's brain had decided to wipe their human memories from the start to avoid trauma (only to trickle in as the get more comfortable as a mystery)? No doubt their relationship with Rachet would be better, and their thoughts about Prime not as strong, but the clashing personalities and field resonance would doubtless still drive them away, even if the pull to the Trine is a little less overwhelmingly onesided. More open eyed wonder and less "sounds fake but cool" in response to things.

Or maybe a world where their origional room didnt blow up? In either case they are situated with Ratchet but are drawn to the explicitly forbidden from Trine. Shrike with no memories getting to have some interactions with humans before they leave earth because *noone* knows they used to human and optimus is showing them off at a top secret level like "look at my child. Please do not interfere with our departure anymore because if the transformer masses find out we can successfully make sparklings on earth we are all going to have a bad time explaining why we cant just wipe out the comparatively juvenile and underdeveloped organics to make earth into a nursery BUT LOOK ITS A NEWBORN" (earth scientist frantically writing "does the robots have a puss puss?" In his notes) " "ok but your newborns are our size, built like a shit brickhouse, move like a chuckie cheese horror movie animatronic, and TALK" (Rachet crying) "I havent held a neonate in millennia I need you humans to understand how new they are" "you're neonates TALK... and are making some very worrying references and turns of phrases" "GOOCHIEGOOCHIEGOO"

(Shrike is less than impressed)

Shrike being much more Attached to Rachet even if by Virtue of Rachet "being warmer than cold" and maybe even not being in the carriers when the battle happens but with him. (Maybe Ratchet actually realizes something is wrong since he doesnt blame the off frequencies on previously being human and doubles down on the defensiveness and worry. Optimus being in full blown denial over the flight sickness because *there can't be something wrong with the brandnew sparkling* its freshly forged. The emberstone can not make defective sparklings. Its beyond his ability to cope with) Shrike being blandly apathetic at best with their situation. Minor Autobot infighting as they all throw their hats into the guardianship ring despite Ratchet's claim. Rachet keeps trying to like, just a tiny bit passively engage the parental imprinting program but keeps being subconsciously rejected by Shrike and the series of tiny heartbreaks that causes. Shrike getting colder and more listless and duller by the day. They dont gain any colors and become less willing to engage. The Trine's plan works and they end up on ship and the autobots doing everything they can to let them *never* find out Shrike exists. Shrike finds out about them anyways and goes to explore and spends ever damn second they can scrape together alone sneaking off to bond with the Trine. DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH THIS FIC CONSUMES ME! IM FANTASIZING AU HERE

I think about G.H.O.S.T. *a lot*

I think about how they'de probably use "have overly developed and independent offspring that thrive quickley* as an excuse to categorize Transformers a life form more in line with rodents than sentice for their own gain, and that one person that might actually be touched beyond the racism seeing the care and love and obvious affection and go "but their offspring are very slow to grow and spend most of their time in intellectual pursuits and their behaviours are ticking a lot of sentient species boxes and also um they have kids, which is not a thing we thought they did in our "they are just computers and thus tools to be used" agenda?

my grimdark ass is hella focusing on G.H.O.S.T. and like, inherent tragedies they bring. And the universal need from a fandom nerd to make characters suffer. Shrike being small enough to hide in one of the Trine (probably starscream's if ghost is involved) armour if he got captured. Moving around to avoid detection like a tiny scared koala bear. *screams into pillow*

I reread and redux this fic to *death* do you know that?

Nelly I shared this with my beta and it promoted a full-blown discussion about Behavioural and our favorite parts, it means so much to me that you've read both. Behavioural was me finding my voice in writing and becoming comfortable with writing regularly. I shouldn't have been able to write PMH without Behavioural.

Now if you'll exist me I have to print out this all and read it a thousand more times

[queerspaceprince]

super long post

i saw the tv glow spoilers, me being depressing, tw's in tags

i went to see I Saw the TV Glow this afternoon. i got it. def cried a little (idk if hrt has stopped me from crying more bc i havent cried since i was in hs anyway) my sib got it, tho we havent talked ab it yet bc im still processing even now. my mom did not get any of it. at all. wasnt affected. thats fine, whatever.

and. jesus. i give the movie a 15/10, but it was. a whole lot. i have too many emotions.

Im def gonna mention a few spoilers so if you dont want to be spoiled, is your warning.

it made me feel too much. is the allegory really allegory if the hidden meaning is right at the surface?

when owen says that thing during their convo on the bleachers -i cant remember the exact words fuck- something about feeling hollow or missing something or whatever, how he thinks something is wrong with him and his parents do to-i feel that. so much. i felt it so much more before my egg cracked, but i still feel it in relation to my depression and anxiety. that hit me.

there was also that part about feeling like you're watching yourself from the outside, as if through a tv. oof.

then the whole thing maddie said about how time didnt feel right, how nothing changed when she left. i get it. I was 10 nd my parents got divorced, and suddenly im 11 and thinking i wanted to d1e for the first time, and then im 14 in a kind of manipulative relationship, with like 1 friend and super depressed, and then i was graduating and realizing im queer and exploring my gender and going through a breakup. then im 20, and getting my first job, and coming out to my family. and now im 26. and i still mostly feel the same way i always have. i have more good days, and im more confident now, but i still feel like im just going through the motions a lot of the time.

when did I stop being a kid? ive been an adult for 8 years and Im still only working part time (32 hrs), still living with my mother bc rent is $$$$, still barely functional enough that I havent cleaned my room since last year and ive only showered 3 times in the past week, and i have to force myself to go get coffee on my days off or else ill stay in bed all day. Im just stuck here. i shouldve taken driving lessons when I could. id be out. except i cant leave my sibling behind with my mother. shes not awful, but them being alone is an explosion waiting to happen. but they dont have a job and i doubt i could support both of us. and now i dont trust my eyes enough, like i read for 15 minutes and everything else goes blurry, like im seeing triple.

anyway. next is the scene in where she talks about k1lling herself to get back to the pink opaque world. I. have to admit i nearly threw up. the imagery, the way she spoke about it. she said she regretted it while she was stuck underground, then how she felt good about it, about getting out....ive been sitting in a low spot for a while, it was better while we were on our trip, but it just reverted when we came back. i keep thinking im going to relapse into sh again. i feel so close to the edge sometimes. and theres really no reason for it either. my life is fine. not great, not perfect. but adequate. anyway i had to close my eyes and take a minute after that.

i feel that even without wanting to go back to the other world, maddie was suicidal. she wouldve found some reasoning to k1ll herself. Now ive only ever been actively su1cidal once, when i was 15 -or 16- idk my teen years are all a blur of depression and anxiety. im good now. well. i say good. im more, self destructive then really wanting to d1e. just. i feel so bad on the inside for no reason, why can i have a reason to hurt on the outside?? anyway, im ok now, im 3.5 years clean, i dont want that to change. im working on my coping mechanisms.

there was another quote from that planetarium scene that i couldnt stop thinking about but has now vanished from my mind entirely. bc sometimes getting my thoughts in order is like. catching smoke.

anyway. then everything after that. him growing old. knowing something about him is different but not wanting to acknowledge it or it would drastically his life as he knows it. I understand that feeling. except for me, its not exactly acknowledgement of myself, its doing something about it. while I didnt exactly stay in the closet long, that feeling of not wanting anything to change is why the closet exists. i realized i was queer in 2014, trans 2015. came out as bi that summer, but i didnt come out as trans until 3 years later. when I had a job. access to money if i ended up getting kicked onto the street. i literally had a bag packed and ready to go. and yet. even when i did come out, i was too afraid to correct my family on my pronouns or name for another year. my sibling really helped with that. immediately used them. Tbh theyre my fave person and id do anything they asked.

the whole thing about there still being time.

i see a lot of tiktoks about this. people watning to do stuff now bc there is still time to change your life or whatever. im interpreting it differently.

there is time now, but your hourglass will run low eventually. live while you still can, while you can still do something about it. how that message showed up after maddie left- their time together had run out, but he might still be able to do something. make a change. idk. but owen was too scared to do anything.

im still scared to do anything.

i still dont correct people on my name or pronouns if they get them wrong. i still dont speak up if my family says anything not pc (they are learning tho). im too scared to talk about any big feeling i have bc ive always been brushed off in the past and i dont want to feel worse becasue of it.

i still havent done anything to get my name or gender marker changed bc im scared. idk why. ive been living as a man for 6 years, i got top surgery almost 3 years ago, and ive been on hrt for nearly 2.

it terrifies me for some reason. maybe ts the complexity of it. ive found 3 different versions of the paperwork, and nowhere does it tell me exactly how or who to submit it too. one of those said i could submit online but it had to be printed, notarized, and scaned back into the computer? none of the other versions said it had to be notarized???

and i have nobody who has any knowlege that could help. my aunt worked for a lawyer for years, and yet she just said all I have to do is go to the dmv. like babe. no. thats not how that works.

i think ill start on that again.

while i still have time.