#THE LAST HAD ME UGLY SOBBING 😭💔

[btsfan15]

HE IS SO FUCKING CUTE I LITERALLY CRIED A RIVER OF TEARS

[somanyyumypeoplejustletmehave1]

WHYYYYYYYYY 💔😭💔😭💔

where you go (i will go)—part xiv

Summary: You are reminded that love invites vulnerability—for better and for worse.

AN: This is really the chapter and song that started this entire journey. Highly recommend listening to Taylor Acorn’s acoustic cover of Jamie All Over before reading the first half of this chapter. As for the second half—please don’t hate me. 

masterlist

. . . 

“Hey, please don’t tell me that I’m dreamin’,

When all I ever wanted was to dream another sunset with you.”

Jamie All Over (Acoustic), Taylor Acorn

. . . 

Part xiv

‘Love can be scary. But that’s a good thing. Means you’ve got something worth being afraid of losing.’

‘You deserve to be protected.’

‘I remember you.’

When you open your eyes, you’re greeted by a sky  full of stars. High above your head hangs a full moon, pale as a bowl of cream, bathing the beach in soft twilight. The tide is quiet tonight, its whisper no louder than the shuffling of the sand as you rise to your feet. 

Your eyes track the dark path of the Milky Way overhead, a dappled stream of black, purple, and pinprick stars that trickles above you. When you turn around to follow its trail, you find that it arches down to meet a very familiar silhouette standing several paces away. 

A soft huff of amusement escapes you at the sight. Funny how all paths are leading to him as of late.

Fake Dream watches quietly as you approach from where you came to on the beach. The light of the moon turns his skin luminescent, every beloved feature of his face set aglow. His blue eyes reflect the starry sky back at you. Though they lack the dark gravity that you witnessed in his gallery earlier today, something in those eyes still captures your attention, pulling you in. There’s a quality to them that you can’t quite place, an emotion within them that your mind struggles to put into words. A certain measure of tenderness. 

‘Something within you was known to me from the moment we met.’ 

His words echo in your mind as you come to a stop before him. Oh, how that realization had cut you to the bone. A cure and an affliction, all in one. Keeping yourself from him in that moment had been almost impossible. Here  in your unconscious, the compulsion to go to him is even more powerful. The knowledge that this is all an illusion wears on your resolve.

“Did you mean it? When you said that I deserve to be protected?” The question hardly feels real as it slips from your lips, a ghost in the saltwater air.

Fake Dream’s eyes watch you with an  intensity that’s almost palpable. His gaze on you feels physical, a soft touch to your cheek. “Yes,” he breathes into the night air.

The sigh that escapes you is one of relief. “I’ve never had someone to protect me before,” you admit, your voice small and hesitant.

Fake Dream’s throat bobs at your words, a nonverbal response. You take one step closer to him, watch his eyes track your shift in position.

Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to submit, you think. To give in, just for a little while. To pretend that this was real, to pretend he wasn’t fake. To pretend that this was your Dream.

And if it did hurt…well, the only one you’d have to blame was yourself.

Your hands find his with tentative fingers. His skin is soft as silk as your thumbs trace the lines of his palms. Hands that had created, hands that had destroyed. When it came to you, all they had ever done was support, uplift, cultivate. You loved these hands.

The shift in the air when you touch him is tangible. A crescendo in energy, a symphony building. Coiled like a spring, and yet you know he won’t make the first move. He’ll entrust you with that decision.

“I’m tired of running, Dream,” you say, drawing a step nearer to him. Close enough that you can bring his hands to your chest, that when you raise your head to look at him, your nose nearly brushes his skin.

Dream’s voice is soft, betraying nothing of the pressure building within. “Then don’t.”

For a long moment, you don’t dare move. Not out of fear, but because the simple pleasure of allowing yourself to be this close to him, of allowing your guard to finally fall, is utterly intoxicating. Up close, Dream’s eyes are seas you could drown in. Happily, you might add. The warmth of his skin radiates from him, drawing a flush into your cheeks. His breath dances across your skin, a piece of him that you inhale, exhale. Your heart pounds in your ribcage like a bird’s wings, about to take flight. You wonder if he can hear it, too. 

Breathing his borrowed breath is almost too sacred, too intimate to sustain. He could set your soul aflame at will. He could rip the air straight from your lungs and fill his own. He could crumple your paper heart in the palm of his hand. And yet, the fear of these fates is minuscule compared to your fear of the next moment never happening at all.

You had thought you’d been in love before. That was nothing compared to this. 

When you lean forward, the universe sighs, ‘Yes.’

When you press your lips to his, it feels like, finally.

The two of you release a bated breath through your noses simultaneously, as if with the same pair of lungs. With the exhalation, the world around you stills. A moment frozen in time. Suspended within it, you’re not sure there was ever a world outside of him at all. 

After a long moment, Dream moves. The glide of his lips against your own is soft as cashmere, smooth as silk. The pressure is sure and gentle. His bottom lip is full and round as it slips between yours, just as plush as you’d imagined. With each slow, savoring movement, a fuzzy warmth seeps into your toes, curling up into your stomach, unfurling in your chest. It feels like every attachment you’ve ever fostered–no, better. 

What does it taste like to kiss dreams and stars? It tastes like milk and honey. 

Only when your lungs burn for air do you reluctantly pull away. When your lashes flutter open, heavy with bliss, you find Dream’s eyes brimming with stars. Pouty lips parted and flushed red from your affection, he looks at you like a beautiful dream, a well-crafted nightmare. Like every ounce of gravity in the universe is pulling him toward you—a celestial body entangled in your gravitational pull. 

He looks at you as if he doesn’t fear the inevitable collision. In spite of all that he now knows, he doesn’t look at you as if you’ll break on impact. He looks at you with awe, with reverence. It’s transcending and grounding, all at once. A rush of adrenaline pours through you, frazzling your thoughts, making you giddy. 

When you press your lips to his again, it’s with fervor and a grin. Emboldened, your curious hands slide up his arms, fingers tightening around the sinewy strength beneath his cloak. Dream’s features were often so poised, so perfect, that one might expect him to be cold and stiff, like a statue. But the column of his throat is anything but inanimate as your fingers glide over it, eager and exploratory. His jugular tightens under your touch, his skin warm, his steady heartbeat thrumming into your palm. 

As satisfying as this particular piece of him is, there’s something you’re even more eager to explore. Dream’s hair is lush and thick as your hand cards through it, the strands soft as cornsilk between your fingers. When they curl into the wild tresses at the back of his head, giving a soft pull, a delicious sound pours from Dream’s mouth into yours. You swallow it greedily, your bones turning to jelly. You want to pull that sound from him, again and again. 

Your eagerness sparks a flame in him like steel to flint. In an instant, Dream is all around you—his chest pressed to yours, one hand drawing you into him from the small of your back, the other a cradle for your cheek. 

You aren’t sure what you expected his touch to feel like. Dream was one of the most powerful beings in the universe, after all. Perhaps you expected a dominance in his touch, or a sense of power lurking beneath the surface of his skin. But this is neither. The press of his hand to your back is firm, but not forceful. His palm cups your cheek like a treasure, like a masterpiece. When his hands begin to move, searching, mirroring your own curiosity, every touch feels like worship, every nerve set aflame. 

The press of his lips against yours, gentle and insistent, is everything. What need do you have of oxygen, of food, of water? None. All you require to remain is this. 

“I’ve dreamt of this for so long,” you whisper as your back falls against the sand. Dream’s lithe form hovers over you, all long limbs and draping cloak. Grabbing him by the lapels, you draw him down toward you, unappreciative of the empty space between you. 

Dream’s lips find your ear, a brush that sends a mind-bending shiver down your spine. His disheveled hair sweeps over your face, tickling your nose and cheeks. ‘’Dreamt?’” he echoes, lips upturned against your skin.

Your heart swells three sizes at the amused lilt in his tone. Maker, you didn’t know that love could feel like this. Like fire and ice, like a suckerpunch and the sweetest embrace, like a first and final breath, all at once. Your chest feels too small to hold it, and yet all you crave is more. 

“You know what I mean,” you laugh, tilting your face to steal his lips again. 

Time slips from your grasp as you lose yourself in each other. You had always known Dream to be attentive, a perfectionist, meticulous to a fault. You had spent countless days watching him observe dreams and nightmares in silence, making miniscule adjustments until each was just as he pleased. He shows the same attention to detail here–no curiosity left unsatisfied, no quiet gasp of yours left without follow-through. To be the sole focus of his attention is intoxicating, almost maddening. 

You have spent your entire existence pouring love into others. For the first time, you understand how it feels to open your soul to another, to have them open their own in return. To see into the core of another and to be seen. To be thoroughly treasured, entirely engulfed, utterly loved. 

You never want it to stop. 

As Dream’s fingers drift over your skin, leaving fire in their wake, the rational part of you, the part you’ve been trying desperately to silence, reminds you that this is only a fantasy. You don’t know if the real Dream’s fingers would linger along the dip of your hips and the curve of your spine. Would the tip of his nose fit perfectly into the hollow under your ear, just as it did here? Would his lips quirk upwards each time his affections coaxed a soft hum from your throat, a smile you could feel, but could not see?

“I wish this was real,” you breathe when your lips part for air, leaning your cheek into the palm of his hand. Your fingers trail through the feather-soft hair at the back of his head, already eager to pull him back toward you. 

Dream stills slowly above you. When he draws back, ever so slightly, his eyes are so clear you can almost see your reflection in them. 

A confession shines in those blue irises, bright and earnest. Of what, you don’t know. 

For several moments, all is still save for the rise and fall of your chests as you regain your breath. Then, slowly, Dream weaves his fingers through your hair, drawing your face into the crook of his neck. You press yourself deeper into his lean, slender form, burrowing closer, searching for more places to touch, more places to connect. Yearning to melt together until you can’t be distinguished apart. Until there is no place where he ends and you begin. Nothing less will do. 

You remain that way for a long time. 

Finally, Dream draws his lips to your ear. “May I?” he asks, barely more than a whisper. 

You turn your face to his, nestling your nose into his unruly mop of hair, placing a tender kiss into the hollow under his ear. “Please.” 

. . . 

“Do we have to leave?” 

There is a shift at the back of your head as Dream’s lips quirk against your hair. Damn that smile, elusive as ever. “I’m afraid so,” he murmurs, his breath warm against your scalp. 

You heave a soft sigh, pressing closer to him. Dream’s chest is warm and solid against your back, his arms and legs encircling you as you sit together on the beach, watching the moon coax in the tide. Dream’s cloak is draped over you, shielding you from the seabreeze that skims off the waves. You draw it tighter around your neck as a new breath of wind tickles your cheeks. 

“What if I just stay forever?” you ask, only half-joking. 

Dream’s thumbs stroke your knuckles, his touch slow, thoughtful. “I suspect the world would become a very dismal, lonely place.” 

Warmth blooms in your chest, turning you soft and sentimental. You lean your head back against his shoulder, peering up at his face. Mortal and divine vocabulary alike fail to describe the way he looks at you, to capture the feeling his gaze places in your chest. Like having your heart torn apart and sewn together over and over again. It’s a sweet kind of pain, an agony you know you’re blessed to carry. 

“What I’d give to see the real you look at me this way,” you say quietly. “I don’t want to leave you.” 

Dream watches you in silence for several moments. Finally, he draws one hand out of his cloak, smoothing the pad of his thumb over the wrinkle in your brow. Any sense of sorrow and bittersweetness fades at his touch, replaced by warm contentment. 

“Do not urge me to leave you, or to turn back from you.” The words slip from his lips like a prayer, as familiar to you as the blue of his eyes. Instantly, they transport you back in time–back to Cathedral Grove, to the wedding you attended under the green and gold leaves, to the vows that were exchanged there. 

That was months ago. Though you’ve heard these words countless times, even recited them to yourself, hearing them in his voice takes your breath away. “Where you go, I will go,” he continues, his voice soft.

The lump in your throat feels insurmountable. When you find your voice, it’s scarcely more than a whisper. “And where you stay, I will stay.” 

Dream’s thumb trails down your cheek, favoring the curve of your jaw. “Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried,” he murmurs, eyes bright with stars.

You can still remember the moment you looked up from the young couple’s glowing attachments, still remember the way he looked at you across that clearing. Was that the moment you’d started to love him? Or had it come sooner, later? 

You honestly weren’t sure. It felt as if he’d always been yours. Life before him seemed like a strange and distant memory now. You didn’t even want to think of it. 

“May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me,” you finish quietly, eyes fluttering shut. 

As you lean into him, savoring this moment, this togetherness, for as long as you can, you feel his warm breath over your skin. “What more could one want than to not go through this life alone?” 

. . . 

As you make your way toward Cliff’s coffee shop, you’re convinced that you’ve never seen so many mortals smiling on a Monday morning in the dead of winter. 

Normally, Monday morning coffee runs are filled with tired eyes, whispers of plans for the Friday ahead, and faces glued to phones as everyone scrambles to organize their lives for the week. But today’s walk is filled with bright eyes, refreshed faces, and contented smiles. For once, everyone’s faces are turned up to the sky, or steeped in conversation with a friend. You barely see a phone in sight. 

Must be something in the water, you muse with a grin of your own as you step into Cliff’s coffee shop. When the white-haired man affixes you with a toothy smile from behind the counter, you grin even wider. 

“‘Morning, Cliff. The usual, please,” you say as you fish the cash out of your pocket, placing it into his waiting hand. “And add an earl grey to go, please.” 

“Of course, miss.” Cliff is already pulling the container of milk from the fridge below the counter as he deposits the money into the cash register. 

You can’t help the lopsided grin that warms your face as you watch Cliff set to work tamping the grounds, foaming the milk, brewing the tea. He’s always seemed agile for his years, but the way he moves this morning looks downright youthful. 

When he twirls the long-handled spoon between his fingers before stirring the earl grey, you can’t help but laugh. “You’re in a good mood this morning.” 

Cliff’s white beard frames his smile perfectly as he places the to-go cups before you, slipping lids onto them with nimble fingers. “Indeed, miss. ‘Suppose I got an extra good night of sleep,” he says. 

Heat creeps up your neck as your own activities from last night come to mind. You hide a cheeky grin behind the rim of your coffee cup. “Glad to hear it.” 

A mixture of excitement and nerves makes you impervious to the cold as you walk back to your townhome. Mind racing, you mull over possible phrases for the thousandth time since you awoke.

Hey, Dream. Do you mind if we talk in private for a moment?

That was as good a place to start as any. But what next? 

Dream, what I’m about to say sounds crazy—

My unconscious mind is so enamored with you that it’s created a fake you that I’ve been hanging out with every night—

And we’re actually soulmates. Like, romantic soulmates—

You huff with dissatisfaction, taking a long drink of your coffee. That wouldn’t do. He’d think Matthew had fried your brain with a bad joke or something. 

Dream, there’s something I need to tell you. 

Balancing one to-go cup precariously atop the other, you dig through your pocket for the keys to your front door. Perhaps you could just wing it from there. Or perhaps you’d totally lose your nerve once you saw him in person. Right now, you were riding the high of your time with Fake Dream, drunk off the look in his eyes, the sound of his voice, the warmth of his skin. Would you be able to speak the truth when everything was real, when you were face-to-face? You weren’t really sure. After last night, all you knew was that you were tired of running, tired of hiding. Tired of not letting him know how you felt. 

You were ready to make the leap. You could only hope and pray that you’d make it to the other side. 

Your key slips into the lock with a resolute click. Warmth creeps into your cheeks as you step inside, locking the door behind you. When you turn to take your cups to the kitchen, the sight of someone sitting on the counter nearly makes you jump out of your skin.

“Maker, what is wrong with you Endless? Are you completely incapable of making a normal entrance? Is knocking a foreign concept to you?” 

Desire of the Endless grins at you from their place on the kitchen counter, legs crossed, eyes flashing. “You sure know how to make a guest feel welcome, don’t you, darling?” they coo, all blood-red lips and bone-white teeth. 

You shoot Desire a pointed glare, placing your to-go cups on the end of the counter furthest from them. “The term guest implies that someone is welcome, which you are most definitely not.”

Desire’s eyebrows perk up, making their golden eyes even wider. “So touchy these days. You used to cower in my presence. I must say, this is much more entertaining.” 

Your jaw sets tightly as you drape your coat over a dining table chair. As much as it pains you to admit it, Desire was right. The helplessness you had felt in their presence had seemed inescapable once. The shift from fear to annoyance had been subtle. Looking back, you suppose that as your power had grown over the past few months, so too had your confidence, your willingness to stand up for yourself. In the past, your fear had stemmed from a lack of control over your circumstances. Now, you felt like you had a say in your future, a way to combat Desire’s interferences. Another blessing of Dream entering your life.

Desire’s gaze darts to the second to-go cup resting on the counter. ‘Earl grey’ is scrawled across the side in Cliff’s cursive handwriting.’ “Who might that be for?” they ask, voice sickeningly sweet. 

Your fingers twitch at your sides, itching to snatch the cup from their sight. You settle for crossing your arms, instead. “That’s none of your business. Did you just come here to make idle chit-chat? If so, I really have better things to do.”

“Like what? Get back to your darling Dream?”

Something about the sense of knowing in Desire’s voice chills the blood in your veins.

Desire grins widely, leaning forward. “How was your night? Very eventful, I presume.”

Dread trickles down your spine, numbness creeping forth from the cracks it sews. You try your best to keep your expression neutral.  When Desire licks their lips like a predator eager to feast, you suspect you’re failing. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you lie through clenched teeth. 

Desire rolls their eyes, irritation pinching their feline features. “Come now, little goddess. You’re a terrible liar. Did you forget that all beings fall under my domain of desire? When I sensed your connection to the Threshold last night, I could hardly believe it. I thought, ‘Could she really be such a fool to place herself within my grasp again? Surely not.’”

The walls of your townhome pull away as darkness encroaches on your vision. One hand steadies yourself against the counter as numbness grips your knees. 

The soft purr of Desire’s laughter meets your ears, followed by the sound of two feet hitting the floor. “That’s when I went to your quaint little realm to investigate. Imagine my surprise when I found that you and my darling brother share a soulmate attachment. And not only that, but eros, erotoropia, and pragma, as well. I swear upon my eldest sibling, you truly are a fool.”

Eros, erotoropia, and pragma? You hadn’t even known about those. The last time you’d been to the Realm of Attachment, only the philia had been present. Had the others formed last night? you wonder, mind racing.

“I must say, you did an admirable job of keeping it from me at first. A ‘B’ for effort if I ever saw one. But nothing could conceal what I felt last night.”

The feeling of hot breath on your face jerks you back to your senses. With a shake of your head, the darkness clears from your vision, revealing Desire’s grinning face mere inches from yours. “When I killed you all those years ago, I couldn’t have dreamt of the ramifications I’d see today. That toying with a mortal would lead to my brother’s undoing. I must say, you’ve surprised me, Love. And for that, I am quite pleased.”

Your fingernails grind against the countertop as you brace yourself against it. You fight the urge to run, force yourself to stand your ground. “What do you mean, ‘undoing?’” you ask coldly, trying to sound more assertive than you feel. 

Desire takes a step closer, pressing in on you. Their close proximity, the adrenaline coursing through your veins, the dread weighing down your bones–it’s all too much. When Desire’s fingers cup your chin, you want to crawl out of your skin. You fight the urge to push them away, unsure of what they’d do if you did. 

“Though it might be hard to believe, my brother Dream is quite the romantic. That lonely heart of his has gotten him into all sorts of trouble, caused him all sorts of pain. Some of it my doing, some of it not.” Desire flashes you a cheek-splitting grin. “Rome wasn’t built in a day, darling. Nor was my somber, solitary sibling. ” 

You clench your eyes closed, repulsed by the sweet malice in Desire’s expression. Killala. Nada. Calliope. You can still remember the sight of their names in Dream’s book in your library. You can still picture how he’d looked at you when you’d asked what happened with them that night on the dock. ‘I am not entirely sure. Perhaps that is why the process continues to repeat itself,’ he’d said, his voice soft and sad. 

Now, the truth dawns on you. The realization that, while he wasn’t entirely excused of blame for the outcome of his past relationships, their demise hadn’t entirely been his fault, either. How many times had Desire interfered with Dream’s relationships, and in what ways? How many times had they been responsible for Dream’s sadness, his loneliness, his broken, distrustful heart? 

The thought makes you want to run to Dream, to throw your arms around him. It makes you want to tell him everything. 

Your feet move beneath you as you resolve to follow through. However, just as you start to pull away, Desire’s voice makes you halt. “Dream’s falling out with Calliope left a nasty scar. Made him impassioned, turned him into a recluse. He’s walled himself off for a long, long time. But with you here, I finally have a way in.”

The world around you goes very, very still. 

“My brother’s heart has always been his greatest weakness.” The feeling of fingernails pressing into your skin spurs your eyes open. Desire tilts your chin to meet their gaze with an agonizing slowness. When you lock eyes, you’re met not with malice, or anger, or annoyance. Only cold, hollow contempt. 

The next words they say will haunt you forever. “Perhaps you really were made for each other.”

For a long moment, there is nothing. And then, like a loose thread, the world you know begins to unravel. 

It’s a strange feeling, having the foundation of your life crumble beneath you. A war between emptiness and overstimulation, between immobility and urgency, between desperation and surrender. Sense of control slips through your fingers like tears. Surety flees with it, like a rug ripped out from beneath your feet. Your stomach bottoms out as you freefall, down, down, down, with no end in sight. 

When would you hit the bottom? Was there a bottom to hit? 

You had thought you held your life in your own hands. You had thought that the future was yours to create. You had thought you’d known what that future might hold.  

You were wrong.

Your palms hit the trash can by the fridge with enough force to bruise. The acidic burn of bile and coffee floods your mouth as the sad truth crashes through you, again and again. As you realize what your future now holds. 

Your gaze, hot and blurry with tears, rises to the cup of earl grey sitting on the counter just a few feet away. The one you’d bought for him. The one you wouldn’t be able to give him, now that your sorry heart had ruined everything.

The salt of your tears reminds you of the Dreaming’s sea. You heave into the trash can again. 

Desire’s fingers rest on your shoulder in mock sympathy. You can’t bring yourself to pull away. “I told you I’d find what you loved and squeeze, darling. You should have listened.”

The trash can’s steel lid is cool and smooth against your cheek. You blink past the tears in your eyes, watching as Desire saunters toward the door. “You’ll regret this,” you choke past the vice that grips your throat. 

Desire unlocks the door, then pauses. Slowly, they turn to look at you over their shoulder. For once, their lips are not pulled into a devilish grin. Their expression is devoid of emotion, their gold eyes hard with disdain. “Funny, the only one who looks like they have any regrets here is you.” 

And without another word, they slip out the door. 

. . . 

You don’t go to the Dreaming that day, or the next day, or the next.

. . . 

Once, spending your days alone had come easily to you. Though lonely, it had been preferable, really, to the painful possibility of having your trust betrayed. The painful possibility of losing something–or someone–you cared about.

Oh, what you’d give to return to those days now. 

The Realm of Attachment starts to lose its beauty after so many days spent there without reprieve. The rainbow tapestry of the sky seems duller in color, the attachments between mortals glowing with less fervor than they used to. You’re not sure if it’s simply your imagination, or if your Realm is siphoning off the negative energy of its creator. You’re not sure you have the strength to care. 

In spite of your homesickness for the mortal world, you spend as much time in your Realm as possible. You know the Dream Lord can’t reach you there. Only yourself and Desire are capable of traversing the realm freely. 

Out of an abundance of caution, you don’t allow yourself to rest, either. Not out of fear of Dream finding you. You’re well aware that you can’t dream, that him contacting you in such a way is impossible. Rather, you don’t trust your unconscious to resist conjuring Fake Dream if you were to give in. You’re not sure what you would do if you saw him there. Fear that it would crumble your resolve keeps you alert at all hours, in spite of your mind’s pleas for rest. 

It’s only when you need to grab your list of daily assignments from the Fates that you depart your Realm for the mortal world. Just enough time to grab your list, and nothing more. 

It’s on one of these brief outings that he finally finds you. 

When you walk through the front door of your townhome, you’re intent on grabbing your assignments from the kitchen and finding the nearest mortal to pass through without delay. At the sight of Dream standing in the center of your living room, however, all plans and intentions are thrown out the door.

Nothing could have prepared you for seeing him again. After so many days parted from him, it feels like it’s for the first time. The force of his presence, of how much you’ve missed him, of how badly you want to run to him, hits you all at once, knocking the breath from your lungs. 

The realization that he must have been waiting for you here comes after. 

Your mouth hangs agape, any semblance of coherent thought far from your reach. In spite of your mind’s protests, your body carries you forward, through the doorway. The front door closes behind you with a resolute click.

Silence. 

“You have been avoiding me,” Dream finally says, his voice matter-of-fact, measured.

You draw in a breath to speak, only to come up at a loss. What is there to say? Any possible response feels like both too much and too little. You settle for closing your mouth, hands fisting anxiously at your sides. 

Your silence is answer enough for him. “Why?” Dream asks, his dark brows furrowing.

Again, words seem to fail you. Your eyes slowly drift to the to-go cup sitting on your kitchen counter, still filled with earl grey tea. You haven’t touched it since that day, haven’t garnered the willpower to throw it away. 

“I’m sorry,” you finally croak, barely more than a whisper. 

Something in Dream’s expression shifts at the sound of your voice. He takes a step toward you, his long cloak sweeping the floor. However, when you step in the opposite direction, maintaining the distance between you, he stops. Confusion pinches his handsome features, darkening his eyes, forming new wrinkles in his brow. Knowing that you placed them there makes you want to tear your heart out and stomp on it. 

“What is going on, Love?” he asks quietly, his voice softening around your name. 

This is it. The moment you’ve been dreading. The moment you’ve been desperately trying to avoid. 

You swallow thickly, steeling yourself for what’s to come. “I can’t see you anymore, Dream.” 

Your words hang in the air, suspended in time. Perhaps they’ll never leave. Perhaps they’ll remain here even after you're gone, a permanent blemish upon this place you call home, like a scuffed wall, or faulty wiring. 

When the weight of the silence becomes too great, you add a strained, “I’m sorry.” 

Dream studies your face for a long time, his troubled gaze lingering on the furrow in your brow, the reluctance in your eyes. Finally, he shakes his head, just once. “What is the reason for this?” 

A shaky breath slips from you. You’ve planned for this conversation for days, rehearsed it in your head over and over. Even still, you can’t conceal the hesitation in your tone as you answer, “I can’t tell you.” 

Dream’s lips tighten in displeasure. Maker, how you’ve missed those lips. “You must.” 

“I can’t.” 

Dream’s mouth opens, then closes, throat bobbing as he swallows thickly. 

You draw in another inhale, release another breath. Though it goes against every fiber of your being, against everything you want, you have to stick to your decision. That day in the gallery, you had told Dream that the war between you and Desire was yours to wage. In your heart, the sentiment still rings true. A battle between two Endless was sure to be catastrophic in ways you couldn’t even fathom. It would certainly rock the foundation of mortals’ lives as they knew it. Who knew how it would impact the universe at large. The only way to protect them was to wage it alone. 

And then there was Dream. As long as you were with him, as long as the soul tie between you had the chance to fulfill itself, Desire would have a way into Dream’s heart. Dream would be vulnerable. 

The only way to protect him was to keep him from you. You had accepted that now. Making yourself his villain was the price you’d have to pay. 

Dream shakes his head again, a flicker of resolve flashing in his eyes. He begins to approach you again, each step swift, purposeful. When you begin to step backward, he opens his mouth to protest. Just as he does, your back collides with the wall, stopping you in your tracks. Though only a few feet stand between you, it feels like miles. 

“I don’t understand,” he says again, his voice tight with an emotion you can’t quite place. “You told me that you were tired of running.You told me that you wished it was real.” He pauses, a thick swallow working down the column of his throat. “You told me that you wanted to stay.” 

For a moment, there is nothing but the shallow hush of his breathing, a soft rush of air as the breath is pulled from your lungs. 

And then, it all clicks. 

‘I wish this was real,’ you’d breathed into Fake Dream’s skin beneath the star-lit sky on that honey-gold beach. 

 And he’d paused. 

“Dream.” 

At the sound of his name on your lips, Dream surges forward, closing the distance between you. He stops shy of touching you, instead clenching his hands at his sides. You wonder if he suspects that you’d run if he did. If only you could tell him just how desperately you wanted to do the opposite. 

You shake your head, searching his eyes for answers. “How?” you ask, brow furrowed in confusion. “You said it yourself. Gods and goddesses don’t dream.”

“You are right,” he says, his voice gentle. “The divine do not dream. But you do possess an unconscious.” He pauses, considering his words, then dips his chin toward you. “I once told you that I contain the entire collective unconscious of the universe. Though I had never traversed the plane of a deity’s, I suspected that I could. I only needed a way to get there.”

Your hand slips into the pocket of your coat with a mind of its own. The cloth of Dream’s pouch of sand is soft and familiar against your palm. You’d carried it with you each day since he’d given it to you. Even now, when you’d been avoiding him, you couldn’t bear to part with it. It was a piece of him you carried everywhere you went. 

It all made sense now.

As you hold Dream’s pale blue gaze, liquid warmth bubbles up in your chest. Slowly at first, and then spilling forth, overflowing, flooding everything. 

It had been your Dream, all along. It was his fingers that had caressed the dip of your hips and the curve of your spine. It was his nose that had fit so perfectly into the hollow under your ear. It was his lips that had upturned into your kiss. 

He had vowed to go where you went, to stay where you stayed. He felt the same. 

He feels the same. 

You almost wish you didn’t know. It makes what has to come so much harder. 

With a shuddering breath, you steal your nerves, gathering courage. You close your eyes, unsure if you can find the strength to press on if you look at him. “Dream, you have to listen to me. You have to let me go. Please.”

“No.” His voice is firm, absolute. 

You swallow, hard. “Then I’ll have to go,” you say, moving to step around him. 

The touch on your elbow is immediate. “Wait,” he insists, stepping with you. In spite of the urgency in his tone, his touch is gentle, entreating. It makes you want to cry. 

“Is that truly what you want?” he asks, his voice imploring. Asking you to open your eyes, asking you to look at him. 

With reluctance, you do. Dream’s ocean eyes–always full of stars, full of thoughtfulness, full of intrigue–are soft, their edges red, their surface wet. They cut straight through to your soul as he holds your gaze, waiting for your answer. 

It’s the most vulnerable you’ve ever seen him, this moment when you’re breaking his heart. The realization that you’ve brought him to tears before you’ve ever brought him to laughter hits you like a ton of bricks. The thought of it is suffocating. 

In this moment, you hate yourself more than anything on this earth, or any realm beyond. Breaking his heart is the worst thing you’ve ever done. The worst thing you’ll ever do.  

You ache to take him in your arms, to card your fingers through that wild hair, to cradle his face in the crook of your neck. One day, I hope I can explain everything, you long to say. 

The bitter taste of copper fills your mouth as you bite your tongue. You don’t trust yourself to speak, or even breathe. Though you have a plan for what’s next, you’re unsure if you have any chance at succeeding. It’s entirely possible that you and Desire are doomed to maintain this cruel dance between you for the remainder of time. If that’s the case, you can’t bear to give Dream false hope. 

Still, you can’t help but picture the bond between you, imagine it glowing white, vigorous, and radiant. You hope beyond all hope that he can feel it too, that he can hear the whisper of your heart against his, that he can sense your intentions. 

Let me fix this, you think, holding his gaze as tears sting in your own. You drink in each thread of blue, each dark lash that frames those eyes you love, committing each detail to memory. Wondering if it’s for the last time. Let me protect you. 

Dream takes your hands in his ever so gently. His thumbs skim across your knuckles, just  as they had days ago on the beach. You can feel the request behind them, one last attempt to convince you. Please, they seem to say with each stroke. 

You close your eyes as your heart cracks in two. 

“As you wish,” he concedes quietly. 

And in a breath, his touch is gone. 

When you open your eyes, you’re alone. Your hands are outstretched in front of you, fingers still curled from where he’d held them. You can still feel the ghost of his touch against your skin. 

Completely, utterly alone. 

The first scream is torn from somewhere deep within you, a black, cavernous space you didn’t even know you held. Adrenaline rips through you, bright and painful, as you storm into the kitchen, throwing your arm at the pile of assignments sitting on the kitchen counter. The papers scatter in a flurry of white, flying across the floor, twirling in the air like snow. 

The second shout is guttural, more animal than human. A howl of pain, a howl of longing. Your coat is ripped from your shoulders in rage and flung across the room. Other items follow–throw pillows, blankets, shoes, novels. Whatever is in sight. 

It’s only when the cup of earl grey tea enters your vision that you finally stop. Chest heaving, skin slick with sweat, muscles caught between exhaustion and exhilaration. When your eyes settle on the cup, everything else fades away. 

It’s only then that the tears finally fall. 

As the sound of wet, choked sobs echoes through the room, you look at the wreckage around you. All of it mirrors the destruction you feel within–the pain, the chaos. None of it fills the gaping void that his departure leaves in your soul. 

As the last vestige of your adrenaline slips away, you crumple to the floor, knowing that you, too, belong to the ruin.

[amberjazmyn]

lost but always found💔🫶

pairing : charles leclerc x platonic!fem reader

summary : it was the last thing she had of her beloved father's only for it to go missing, only realising then just how much she missed her father. thankfully, her best friend, charles was there to lend a hand in understanding.

warnings : mentions of reader's father passing away, panic, charles + the rest of the grid being the sweetest friends in the entire world, a swear word?

a/n : this is actually the most exciting thing for me to say but this is my first ever request so thank you to the gorgeous anon who requested this! and because she gave me permission, reader's name is bridget!

her ears started to ring into white noise when she realised that the ring she always wore on her left ring finger was no longer there like she had thought it was earlier when she had been out and about in monte-carlo. if it was just a regular old ring that could be replaced, she wouldn't be feeling as though she was having a heart attack. however, that's the thing, it wasn't just any old regular ring. it just wasn't. it was the most special ring that bridget ever owned. it was a vintage sapphire ring with a passage from her father’s vows to her mother engraved in its inside. it was the ring of her mother’s that her father proposed to her with that just like their daughter now, wore on her left ring finger. and this very ring was the last thing she had of her father's since everything else had been given to the rest of the estranged family. the only other thing bridget owned of her father was the photos but even then, it was cruel that her own family only had the decency to give her the sapphire ring. to be fair though, they legally had to since it had been written in her father's will that if their family were too selfish in giving her anything else that they had to give her the ring otherwise they'd be legal consequences. so, obviously because her family didn't want to get into legal troubles, they reluctantly gave the grieving girl her the ring but nothing else.

because she had been out all day and couldn't remember the last time she saw her ring, she decided to take her ugly crying self to her instagram stories. all for the sake of desperately trying to find her sapphire ring. she needed to find this ring otherwise she would have no clue on what to do since it was the last and only thing that she had left of her dad. and there was no way in hell she'd let herself live if she couldn't find it.

bridget.l.n posted to her instagram story

[caption 1: i'm literally sobbing hysterically rn guys, i have lost my vintage sapphire ring that my dad proposed to my mum with that everyone always sees me wear on my left ring finger😭. i've been all around monaco today so it must have fallen off in the middle of that since i literally never take it off unless i need to. so if anyone knows where it is and finds it, i will genuinely love you forever! i am an actual wreck cause i've never lost it before and the only reason i have this ring is because if my family didn't give it to me there would have been legal consequences so please, help me find it! caption 2: for those wondering, this is a literal product photo of what my ring looks like, it's so simple yet so intricate at the same time, it's a gold band with little diamonds and a sapphire in the middle with a passage out of my dad's proposal speech to my mum engraved on the inside! again, thank you to everyone in advance!]

yourbff replied to bridget.l.n's story: omg, i am so sorry to hear that, hun! i was out and about as well around the same time you were and going into similar stores as you, i can for sure retrace your steps if you need me too my love!

bridget.l.n thank you my love, you are such a sweetheart! i am hysterical because i have never lost it before and i don't know what to do!

yourbff i know honey, i can't even imagine just how freaked out you are! i'm about to leave for the gym now so i'll go check now xx

landonorris replied to bridget.l.n's: story oh, bridge, i'm so sorry hun! do you remember where you had it last?

bridget.l.n no, lan, that's why i'm freaking out sm! i'm trying to remember so hard but i just can't and i don't know where i last had it!! all i do remember though is that i didn't take it off otherwise i would have remembered so it had to of slipped off my finger!!

landonorris it's okay bridge, please breathe cause i know you're not right now! hopefully you can find it soon, i'd hate to see you without it because i know how much you had to fight to even get it in the first place <3

carlossainz55 replied to bridget.l.n's story: oh corazon, i'm so sorry to hear that! i know how much that ring means to you, if you need anything, i'm always here for you but i have no doubt that charles will be the best person for this in helping you out <3

bridget.l.n thank you carlitos, it feels awful and i wish it didn't feel like this because it feels like i've lost him all over again and it felt as though i had finally gotten better! and don't worry, i can already see charles getting his keys ready, he's on his way <3

carlossainz55 i have full faith that with charles beside you that he'll help you find it <3

maxverstappen1 replied to bridget.l.n's story: oh, bridget, that is heartbreaking! kelly's gone out to do some food shopping, i can call her and ask if she can ask around if that'll help?

bridget.l.n thank you so much maxie, that is so helpful! i love you and kelly sm and tell her i say thank you! i'm so sorry, it's so silly but i'm literally a mess!

maxverstappen1 of course bridget, we love you too! and this isn't something that's silly, it's serious since we all know how much you fought to get this ring back!

charlesleclerc replied to bridget.l.n's story: oh...bridget...i know how much that ring means to you! do you want me to look for it or come over to you?

bridget.l.n can you come to me please? i need you! i feel so sick, char, i just cannot believe i let myself lose it like this after having to fight so hard with my own family just to get it back!

charlesleclerc of course i can bridget, i'm in the car right now!

as soon as bridget turned off her phone, leaving her best friend on seen as well as all the others who replied to her story, her tears no longer allowing her to see. her head dropped to her knees as her cries grew louder through her apartment. knowing that charles wasn't too far away, she just wallowed into her grief as much as she could whilst she waited for him. of course, other people would tell her to stop crying and to stop being stupid and that it's 'just a ring' but it wasn't. and she was glad all of her friends that saw her plea on her instagram stories and responded to her that they never once said it was stupid. even when she herself apologised and said that it was stupid. they knew just how much her father's (technically mother's) old engagement ring meant to her and how difficult it was for her to make sure her family that she was no longer speaking to actually obliged by the legal document of her father's will and gave it to her. posting again, this time a photo of her dad, it was clear that this was hurting her more than everyone thought it would.

bridget.l.n posted to her instagram story

[caption 1: dad, wherever it is you are, for the love of everything holy, please help me find this ring! caption 2: tb to when we were happy family before dad fell ill and we lost him forever💔💌]

charlesleclerc replied to bridget.l.n's story: i'm here, bridge, please let me inside!

bridget.l.n omg charlie i thought you'd never make it! it felt like you were taking forever!

charlesleclerc i know and i'm so sorry but i'm here now! please open the door

landonorris replied to bridget.l.n's story: you'll find it, i promise you, bridget!

bridget.l.n i hope so, lando! i don't even know how i'm still breathing

landonorris i'm glad that you're still breathing but i already know that charles is looking after you. he's not gonna give up until you guys find it okay?

carlossainz55 replied to bridget.l.n's story: bridget, please tell me, is charles with you? i'm sure he'll help you and so will your dad! he'd never let you be without his ring, i promise!

bridget.l.n yes, he just arrived and i'm able to breathe a lot better and i know he'd never let it happen but i just hope it's not been stolen

carlossainz55 that's something neither charles or your dad is going to let happen okay? no one has or will steal the ring!

now that charles had finally arrived and bridget had let the monegasque into her home, before the two could do anything else, charles opened his arms. allowing the girl to practically collapse into his arms and hugged her as tight as tight could be. and once again, when bridget thought she had cried out all of her tears, there was a slight shock for her when sobs left her mouth and tears streamed down her cheeks the second she made contact with her childhood best friend. but charles didn't say anything. there was no need to. all he did was hug her tighter and comfort her as that was all he could do and everything the grieving and distressed girl needed him to do. however, it didn't take charles too long to get bridget's tears to stop and when they eventually did, charles spoke up.

"...you okay mon ange?" charles whispers, pulling away slightly as bridget nods her head and wipes the remaining tears off her cheeks

"yeah...i'm sorry..." bridget trailed off as charles sighed as he shook his head with a small smile

"...don't apologise bridge. this ring you've lost is an important item for you, it's not silly, it's not stupid and it shouldn't be something you feel embarrassed about crying over! hell, if i lost something i was given from jules or papa, i'd be hysterical as well! but i promise, we will find it, if it's the last thing i'll do! i'd stay awake for as long as i physically can, not even thinking about sleep until i help you get this ring back, okay, bridget? i'm being serious, so serious, because i know these feelings that you're feeling and it is gut-wrenching and nauseating knowing that you've lost something you love so dearly with no memory of how you lost it..." charles was out of breath, his hands cupping bridget's cheeks as her eyes widened as she nodded her head

"...okay, thank you charlie!" bridget whispered as charles smiled at his best friend as they then pulled away from each other

it was now time for them to retrace bridget's steps starting from the very beginning. her bedroom. although she was fairly confident she had memory of waking up with her ring still on, she didn't want to take any chances just in case it had fallen off into her bedsheets whilst she had slept. even though it was highly unlikely since she always wore it to bed, only taking it off to shower, she still looked in, around and under her bedsheets. and if on the odd chance it slipped off her finger (which only happened once before it was resized to literally fit her finger) she would feel it underneath her due to the diamonds and sapphire stone. whilst she was doing that, charles was looking through her walk-in-wardrobe as well as her ensuite bathroom. every single morning of every single day, she would do her morning skincare routine, no matter if she was leaving the house or not, she couldn't skip her skincare. she had recently started to take off her hand jewellery whilst doing her skincare but she had a designated ceramic bowl that she had made specifically to put her jewellery into whilst doing her skincare so she wouldn't lose it. and like both charles and bridget suspected, the sapphire ring wasn't in either her bed, walk-in-wardrobe or her ensuite.

so, now, the next places to look was downstairs in the kitchen and lounge room. charles took the kitchen and bridget the lounge room. bridget knew for sure that it couldn't be in the kitchen because she doesn't take off her jewellery whilst she's cooking and she had only spent less than two minutes, maybe three, in the lounge room before she left the house and got into her car. the car was the next spot the best friends were going to look into since, like expected once again, no ring was found in either the kitchen nor the lounge room.

the second charles and bridget opened all five car doors (yes all five, including the boot of the car) it was clear that there was no way in living grace that her ring had fallen off in her car. because she left it absolutely spotless every single time, all the time. so it would have been obvious if she had lost her shiny and polished sapphire ring in any spot in her car, even in the deep crevices between the seats, she'd see it. she couldn't deal with a messy car in the same way she could deal with a organized messy loungeroom. so, once again, it was back to the blackboard for charles and bridget as the distressed girl tried to remember where she went after getting into her car to leave. then, duh, it was still entered into her iphone's google maps so, she checked the address there and then groaned, smacking her face against the steering wheel. thankfully though it wasn't damaged because charles made sure his hand was resting against the steering wheel before the girl could even think of smashing her head against it. the address saved into her google maps was to the monte-carlo square shopping mall and of course, that place was huge! there was no way they would find it in such a big centre with just the two of them. so, that was when bridget went back to her instagram stories and posted for backup of those that lived in monaco that could help her.

bridget.l.n posted to her instagram story

[caption 1: i know it's not that obvious from the look on my face but charlesleclerc and i are struggling with operation find bridget's beloved vintage sapphire ring! we have deduced that i didn't lose it in my bedroom, ensuite, kitchen, loungeroom or car! however, we now conspire that i may have lost it in the monte-carlo square shopping mall. so, charles and i are on our way but the mall is too big for just little charlie and i to find it ourselves due to how big it is. so, for those of mine that i know, love and adore that live in monaco that are able to, i would love you forever and ever if you could help me and charlie in the next stage of finding this ring! because like charlie told me, we are not stopping this conquest until we find this ring! so, if i can get as many of my monaco lovers to help me in this quest i will genuinely love you forever and probably kiss every single one of you on the mouth! thank you my darlings, see you at the square <3]

landonorris has replied to bridget.l.n's story: i was literally just thinking you may have lost it whilst you were out shopping at the square! and i'm legit there currently, where are you and charles at rn? i can come to you <3

bridget.l.n you are a godsend mr lando norris! we are just walking in on the north entrance near the food court because that was where i went first for a vanilla chiller so if you could meet us there, that would be fantastic lando <3

landonorris i'm on my way there rn! see you soon, we will find this ring, bridget!!

maxverstappen1 has replied to bridget.l.n's story: me, kelly and p are currently at the food court at the square right now! we've almost finished eating our food and because i can see you, charles and lando, we can link up and help you three!

bridget.l.n another godsend, thank you so much maxie! i appreciate you, kelly and p so much for helping us!

maxverstappen1 it's not a problem at all, bridget! i'd be doing the same thing if the same thing happened to kelly, p or even myself! i have full faith we'll find this ring!

oscarpiastri has replied to bridget.l.n's story: seems like all of the monaco crew is all currently in monaco at the same time! lily is also with me as is carlos and rebecca! we're just walking into the food court right now and we see you and the rest of the crew!

bridget.l.n omg thank you so much osc! but why am i shocked that carlos and rebecca are here? i thought they were in madrid? but at this point i don't even care because now we have a big enough group that we can split up and potentially find it quicker!

oscarpiastri our pleasure, bridge! and genuinely i think carlos and rebecca flew over the moment they saw the first instagram story of you explaining what had happened

now that most of the grid as well as some of bridget's best friends who weren't connected to formula one had arrived to help with the quest of finding her ring, it was go time. however, it had seemed like it didn't even take long before bridget's phone followed by everyone else's buzzed when they got the message from carlos saying that he had found the ring!

carlossainz55 has messaged operation find bridget's beloved vintage sapphire ring: I FOUND THE RING! IT WAS IN THE POTTERY MAKING SHOP! i had wandered in not even knowing if you had gone in there today, bridget, only for the shopkeeper to smile and immediately give it to me. she had seen your instagram stories and knew that you had been looking for it. she told me she tried to message you that she had it but for some reason she couldn't. so she kept it underneath the checkout desk, only hoping that one of us would have the inkling to check in her store before it was closing time. it's over, we found the ring carino, we found it and i told you we'd find it <3

bridget.l.n omg i fucking love you so much carlos sainz vazquez de castro! i am literally gonna kiss you right on the mouth(don't look iamrebeccad my love i'm sorry)

jumping up and down and embracing carlos, bridget was true to her word when she said she'd kiss the mouth of the person who found her ring. but, thinking about it, she decided to just do the sweet double cheek kiss. because why would she genuinely kiss someone else's boyfriend's mouth? the double cheek kiss though was genuinely a funny thing because it wasn't an everyday thing that they'd do so it was obvious it was lighthearted. although it wasn't coming from a lighthearted situation, everyone, rebecca especially, knew that it wasn't a romantic kiss at all. it was genuinely a kiss of thanks and of all the stress and distress that this entire situation had put her through. that, finally finding her ring and getting it back was such a weight off her shoulders that she couldn't just say thank you to carlos and that be it. she didn't just kiss him twice on the cheeks i mean...just look at her newest instagram post at this point.

bridget.l.n has posted to her instagram

liked by carlossainz55, charlesleclerc, oscarpiastri, maxverstappen1, kellypiquet, landonorris, lily.zneimer, iamrebeccad and 12k others

bridget.l.n posting this to the grid because i got sick of all the insta stories but good news my darlings, my sapphire ring has been found! the search party is officially over and my baby is back where she belongs! a huge thank you to the person though that found my ring carlossainzz55! the second photo was me buying him a bouquet of flowers as an extra thank you present after giving him the double cheek kiss and the third photo was his face before i gave him the flowers. because men also deserve flowers, ladies and gentlemen!! the face he made after i gave him the flowers was too sweet and so emotional that we were both so teary-eyed we couldn't see our phones properly to take a proper photo of it. but again, thank you to every single person who messaged me and helped me in the search for finding my ring. although it was technically my mother's engagement ring, as soon as she and my dad divorced, she no longer wanted it and gave it to him. and the only thing in the way of 'rules' she gave to him was that it had to be given to mine whenever i had met the man that was going to marry me or if one of or both of were to pass away before me getting married. and because that happened, my mum and then my dad, i was finally given the ring. but it wasn't that easy to get the ring since my dad's second wife was an awful woman who despised that i was actually loved and appreciated by my father and mother. to the point that she made sure she got the rest of the family on her side and make them hate me which is the reason why i only have this ring and the photos and videos because if they didn't give me the ring as stated in my dad's will, it would have become a legal problem. so i am ever so grateful and blessed that i was able to get my ring back <3

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carlossainz55 i am so glad we were all there to help you get your ring back! and those flowers were so sweet of you, i was so not expecting it and nor was i wanting anything in return for finding the ring. that was why it made me so emotional <3

bridget.l.n carlossainz55 so am i, carlitos! i don't think i would have been able to sleep tonight if we hadn't of found it today! and i am sorry for making you cry, it wasn't my intention and i didn't think it would make you cry <3

charlesleclerc we all told you we'd find it and i'm so glad we could all keep that promise <3

bridget.l.n charlesleclerc yes you did charlie and i'm so glad as well <3

oscarpiastri what a moment in time this entire day was! for sure never felt this stressed in years!

bridget.l.n oscarpiastri for sure a moment in time that i never want to go through again

maxverstappen1 glad we were able to get the ring back otherwise who knows what could have happened if that witch somehow found out

bridget.l.n maxverstappen1 i am too maxie! and for sure, she would have found someway to find out and call me out for it, she probably already has but i don't really care anymore about her

kellypiquet those are some gorgeous flowers and congratulations again to carlos for finding the ring

bridget.l.n kellypiquet aren't they just, kelly? they were the exact flowers i was looking for too! and literally, good on him for going into a store that he didn't even know for sure if i had gone into or not and just trusting that

landonorris what a success this search party was

bridget.l.n landonorris absolutely, i think we could be good detectives for sure!

lily.zneimer good on all of us for getting your beloved ring back

bridget.l.n lily.zneimer i know right? big slay for sure!

iamrebeccad so proud of all of us but carlitos specifically for finding the ring in the end <3

bridget.l.n iamrebeccad so am i! we did such an amazing job but carlos especially <3

username omg i am so glad you found it, bridget! where was it and well done carlos for finding it!

bridget.l.n username so am i my love! and it was in the pottery making shop that i am almost always in! he literally had no idea if i had gone in there at all this morning since i usually either post about it or i tell our group chat. and because i didn't, carlos and the others legitmately had no idea if i had gone in there so, it was real smart and amazing of carlos to just trust the feeling that he had to check out the pottery making shop! so i am for sure proud of our carlitos for sure

fin

this was my first ever request so i hope it wasn't too awful for the beautiful anon who requested this! and i am so sorry it did take a little bit to get out since i usually like to just write it out and then publish it in the same day but it's been hard lately due to starting and then getting stuck halfway through. but i do hope this was somewhat good enough and is what anon wanted! and if anyone else wants a request, please don't be afraid to ask as i am happy to oblige to any requests within reason of what i have in my guidelines <3

©⠀amberjazmyn's original work. do not translate or steal any of my fics. 2024

[miloo-o]

Agust D D-Day Final Concert

August 6th, 2023 marked as the last day of Agust D D-Day Final Concert in Seoul at KSPO Dome. Which is also mean that the tour is finally ended.

This concert tour was a part of the D-Day album promotion. Jakarta was one of the destination. I will proudly say that I am one of the crowd in Jakarta, on day 3 for exactly. Since they mentioned that this album gonna be the conclude of the Agust D trilogy. So I thought maybe there's no more Agust D. And yeah, during interview he explained that he don't want to make music as Agust D anymore, he want to grow more soft as a human. But if it's necessary, he will brought him back. And I thought that now is their enlistment era so I have to see them, at least one of them before they go.

I've never been happier than ever. I never feel so excited about something in my life that it make my heart pumping so hard and I can barely sleep on the day before I go to Jakarta. I still can feel about how I feeling that day. I prepared my outfit a long time before the ticketing, I put more attention to my makeup, I mean the proper makeup, like foundation, shade, eyeshadow, blush, etc. I'm not good at doing makeup but I just know that there's something that boost my confidence that day. I feel pretty and I can wear anything I want without worry about judgetment. I have an ugly belly fat but I wear my croptop because I want to. I just so happy at the time. And also I was surrounding by people like me ! The people who have the same kind of love towards BTS and their music. And I'm pretty sure they can understand why I fight so hard to be able to attend the concert. Such a good memories.

So about the final concert. They provide the online streaming so I watch it on Hypera 😂. I watch all 3 days concert. I expect for Tony Montana stage but they gave more than I expected. They had Jungkook featuring on Burn It. I was totally shook. Then he sang Seven. On the 2nd day they had Jimin. Yes Thee Tony Montana stage finally happened again after 7 years. And then he performed Like Crazy. And finally on the last day. People call him the final boss and I couldn't agree more. They performed Strange. The timeline thought it's funny because their vibe was totally different.

Namjoon just shaved his hair by the way. He made a klarification again that it doing nothing about his enlistment. My man just can not stand the hot weather. Look at him🥺. Those dimples, those pretty eyesmile, the joonose, and my favorite smile. I love him so much that my chest hurt 😭.

And then he performed his new unrelease song. We thought he's going to performed Wild Flower tho. Idk what was the song name. The music is so beautiful. Kinda like a lullaby. It's so comforting. Idk what's the song about but there's this certain lyric that hit me. "I forgot about the hour, I forgot to shower." I feel so targeted because I rarely do the shower sometimes. I forgot about the hour and it's already midnight and I end up dont take a shower. I do something or go somewhere just to find a reason to shower. I don't know what happened that it's so hard to get up from my mattress. I see someone on Twitter said that this song is for the girl with mental illness. But I still don't understand what exactly the song is about until Namjoon himself give some explanation.

Seokjin and Hobi is was there too. I miss them so much 😭

Next is the heart wrenching songs. He performed Snooze, Dear My Friend, and Amygdala back to back. Putting this song together should be illegal. Maybe since it's the last concert so he's getting more emotional. He started crying during Snooze 😭. I thought maybe he talk to the old him. Because this song is for his juniors in Kpop Industry so he understand how hard it was. He can relate too. And of course I cried too 😭💔. Next song, Dear My Friend. He made this song for his bestfriend that is sadly no longer with him. Damn it I started crying now. Looking at Yoongi sobbing but still manage to performed is so heartbreaking 🥺. People say that bestfriend breakup is the worst. It is. I wish that friend of Yoongi doing well now. Thank you for being there for Yoongi on his hardtimes. The next is Amygdala. This song never fail to hurt me. The intro music itself is already hurtful.

After a VCR it's finally encore time. Began with D-Day and after that he introduce the crew of the concert. They had additional member to introduce, Elcapitaxn as DJ, Adora and June as back vocal. When it come to Elcapitaxn turn, they turned the whole stadium into a night club. I love it so much that I got it screenrecorded. Sadly the other BTS member already left after Amygdala so they can't experience it :(. And then FINALLY !! After day after day, week after week, month after month, he finally reveal his 7 tattoo ! It's on his left shoulder, where he got the surgery because of that accident. We can clearly see the stitch scars.

He said what's so important about the tattoo? Like he don't tease us by keep hiding his tattoo meanwhile the rest of BTS member reveal it already.

The show is come to the very end. There're only Nevermind and The Last that left from the setlist. I tried so hard to memorize the Nevermind lyrics so I can sing and shout it out with Yoongi word after word but I forgot all of it once I'm inside the venue 😭.

The last song is The Last. The song that I anticipated the most. One of the reason why I have to went to his concert. Basicly this song is about how he overcome his trauma and mental illness, that he's totally fine now, that he became stronger. That line that said "My fans, keep your head high with pride. Because who can do it like me uh." It send chills and got my eyes teary everytime I listen to the song. I want to see him on stage shouting that words. The Last is the last track from his 1st mixtape, Agust D. It was released on 2016 when he was 23 y.o, 2 years younger than me now. He said that at the young age. But I have to witness the new version of him shouting that words. We know that he became stronger now. I'm so proud of him 🥺. After the last song, they show a short VCR, cut from his MVs. And then they show the Amygdala MV scene when Agust D walk towards a door. The VCR ended. The light turnsd on again. Yoongi walk around the stage, waving at,the audience and thanking them nonstop. Finally he's back on stage, bowing for the last time and then walk towards the door behind him. He turn around once again, gave us the most sweet and warm smile, waving, thanking again, and finally he closed the door 🥺. And then the screen show this words, "Future's gonna be okay" 💜

The fact that the tour is really ended finally hit me. There's no more concert content. Min Yoongi finally can leave the Agust D behind with all the pain, rage, upset. That's all about self acceptence. Everyone really having so much fun during the concert. Jump around, screaming, crying, swearing, laughing. We share these together. It so sad. I'm crying right now😭. But it doesn't make sense that he would touring forever hahahaa. It's really the end. He finally can take a rest today and start the life as he want it to be. Go ahead Min Yoongi. We'll be your forever audience to support everything you do. Your work and art as Agust D, SUGA, or Min Yoongi give such strength and motivation for us. This post is such a mess with my broken English but I just write whatever that come to my mind 😁.

민윤기 사랑해요 🫶 그리고 너무 감사해요 💜

[sparklingpax]

Episode 24 kinda hurts my actual soul??

I mean, first off, Ginrai was thinking this was his moment to kinda shine, being the stunt driver for this film. He likes that kind of attention! It was a nice moment for him and it ended up just being a setup to catch him off guard to kill him and that to me makes me sad 🥲 I just feel bad for him??

But what I really wanna talk about besides that is this one little bit here, and this frame from that--where Ginrai says he refuses to give up regardless of how battered he already is, so Overlord scowls and punches him so hard it kinda seems to knock out the last of the control Ginrai had in this battle, then immediately after begins repeatedly kicking him..........what hurts the most is how small he looks (and is) compared to Overlord--even in a "super" mode--how tired and wounded, and also sad. He looks sad because he knows he has no strength left, he knows he's at a disadvantage. He gave his all and more and still it's the end of this battle and all that's left for him are his wounds and the sting of this defeat.

This is not where he wants to lie down and give up. He doesn't want to die here. (And we know that in the end, he doesn't!) But gahhh that couple seconds of silence except for the sounds of impact as Overlord kicks him over and over,,,just,,,

*loud ugly sobbing*

STOPP THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME AND MY FEELS WAAA ;w; DONT HURT HIM LIKE THAT NOOOOOO 😭😭😭😭😭😭💔

[liciaunlockmyheart]

I ugly sobbed in the beginning of the movie and then when this baby said this I LET OUT THE LOUDEST CRY AND TEARS BURST OUT OF MY FACE I WAS LOOKING LIKE SPONGEBOB WHEN HIS GRANDMA TREATED HIM LIKE SHIT BECAUSE HE SAID HE WASN’T A BABY AND SHE MADE HIM CRY… My husband had to hold me I was done where did they find that baby with those Chadwick eyes 😭💔 THAT LAST LINE GOT ME I CRIED FOR ABOUT 10 minutes

Toussaint is a beautiful name. It holds a great history. Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022) dir. Ryan Coogler

[kithtaehyung]

Okay so my thoughts are still very much all over the place but these are just instances that really stuck with me, bare with me while I ramble, I made these notes like at 4am after initially reading the chapter 😭::

- Playing the guitar for her - THE SIGNIFICANCE IF THIS???? like he clearly had been very put off from even talking about it, to then willingly playing for her ?? And he bared his soul playing the saddest of notes like, YOONGI PLS 😭

- Last night in her bed - this one feels so personal like, most of their memories are in his home, which will haunt him now when he’s alone. But that last night in her own bed, like girl is gonna remember that everyday, that was pure love making, I feel for her

- Past coming to light - although were still missing a big puzzle piece about readers past, hearing about Yoongi's and how it connects to ppl in readers circle, like idk how to put into words how real it makes it. Like I guess its different hearing and seeing about Yoongis past reputation than someone actually speaking from experience from it (although we’re seeing now how he’s changing)

- Him not wanting to admit feelings - OKAY SO CLEARLY HE KNOWS WHAT HES FEELING — he just doesn’t want to actually admit it and I get why but I also dont like 😭😭 the obvious reason is they think they cant because of big bro and thats his best friend and all (im team Jin btw but slightly considering it might be Hobi too now). But ive been thinking theres other reasons he’s clearly not wanting to admit his emotions. Whatever happened in his last relationship has him like, scared now, to admit his raw emotions for reader now?

- Love Jimin and Dom - WE LOVE SUPPORTIVE, PROTECTIVE AND UNDERSTANDING FRIENDS // on a side note to this, I sort of wanna predict either Jimin and Dom alone or if more friends find out, and they willingly help reader and yoongi be able to see each other and be together while keeping big bro away / in the dark about it. The drama that could stir up would be interesting so idk how likely this would be but the scenario was fun to imagine

- JIMIN THO - im very stuck in his brief interaction with reader after he took her away from the creep. Yoongi saying he knows too. I very much need to hear Jimin give his thoughts to reader and explain himself, im so sorry for thinking differently of you Jiminie 😭 my theory here is Jimin might’ve noticed how much Yoongi was watching reader during the basketball game and also at Dalo. Probably also picked up how tense he was when that creep approached reader and Jimin must’ve put the pieces together himself and maybe Yoongi just didn’t deny it or didn’t say anything when Jimin asked him?

- The key and necklace - HEART SHATTERING OKAY, EMOTIONAL DAMAGE 💔 i really really really just wanna hope he left his key in her drawer hidden for her to visit him secretly at night or something. I wanna hope the necklaces too but I know that would be obvious to other people. I can also imagine how this might cause drama later if (somehow someway) big bro finds the key and questions why she got access to yoongs apartment

- the clothes on the bed after the shower - the first time it was on the dresser but now him setting it on the bed instead is just so !!!!!! 😭 like that’s his baby he’s taking care of, they’re so domestic, he really making her feel like “this bed is yours too”

- Last hook up at club - WHO MISS?? IM STILL LOOKING AT JUNGKOOK SUSPICIOUSLY

- Yoongis ex = im still pondering this. Is the infamous ex we’ve been hearing about the person same as dom’s cousin = the same person/reason he swore off relationships? Will this person make another appearance?

- THE SONG - WHEN I SAY I SOBBED I MEAN I UGLY CRIED, SNOT AND DIZZY AFTERWARDS AND ALL. Like the instrumental alone is heart wrenching but the LYRICS?!??? Fitting in so perfectly to the tale but also on a personal level I relate and just wow, that blew it away for me 😭💔 I added it to my playlist but I straight up cry whenever I hear it now. Im down worse than them

Sorry for long message, i really just wanted to vent out the thoughts I had and im sure many are also having , once again I love your story telling skills and just how raw and real you make everything. Looking forward to hearing more and genuinely hope you never lose that excitement for writing 🤍

- 🌸

SAKURAAAA thank you so so much for this beautiful feedback?? what the heck you said so many wonderful things i can't even form. words. okay let's try.

the significance of the guitar.. i know. that scene will stick with me for awhile. there's a LOT in that one scene alone and it connects yoongi's pov with reader's, which makes it even more powerful.

YESSS most of the memories are in his place, but the most emotional one of all happens in her place. and some commentary here: i wanted reader's bringing yoongi into her room/bed be symbolic in like, letting him in. like y'all know how much i love my door analogy, but rooms are also important to me.

and the whole hearing about a piece of yoongi's past? coming from someone that knows reader? that was huge. even though we know he's different now, hearing it in that setting hits harder than if he said it himself or we already knew about it.

and the commentary about him not acknowledging his feelings: we will just have to see! is it the bro? is it something else? is it something that hasn't even been mentioned yet?

JIMIN AND DOM YESSS we really do love the supportive ones. and protective ones! and i'm putting your theory in the file of theories! we'll have to see about that one, as well. who knows what the heck is gonna happen now that bro is back.

LMAO we all gave jimin the massive side eye so we do owe an apology HAHA and right? there's a lot to unpack in that brief interaction alone. what the heck is up with that? hopefully we revisit or touch back on jimin since that interaction was pretty sus!

i knowwww the damn chains and key. it's definitely obvious that yoongi was totally fine with reader keeping them, but, he knows that the risk would be way too high if they were found. we can only hope but we know how careful he knows reader wants to be :')))

COMING FULL CIRCLE ON THE CLOTHES.. i know. that was a punch in the gut because of how different yet similar both situations are.. ugh. and the last hookup!!! we still don't know!!! definitely don't know about the ex yet, either. we just know tae knows. whether they make an appearance or not is still up in the air, as well.

I BAWL MY EYES OUT EVERY TIME I HEAR TWIN FLAME.... like seriously no one touch me because not only is it sad as hell (both the music and the lyrics) but it also aligns with sidewalk talk. after i wrote 3tanS, i heard the song.. and just. cried. omfg. just imagining yoongi playing that on the guitar is enough for me.

thank you so so much for reading and reviewing!! it means so incredibly much to me and i will write as much as my brain allows me to<33