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toboldlynerd · 7 years ago

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Soul Meets Body

This is my startreksecretsanta-gift for the lovely Ali ( @what-if-im-a-mermaid ).

I’m sorry for the wait and that McCoy/Uhura didn’t feature as much as intended but I wanted to make sure it was at least presentable and now it’s grown into a monster of over 4000 words and I hope it is still a good present omg and I wish you a belated Merry Christmas!

'Love is the most difficult and dangerous form of courage. Courage is the most desperate, admirable and noble kind of love.'

He is twelve years and six months old, on the day he makes his first big mistake. To him, losing the car is not the problem, he wanted to get rid of it in the most annoyingly unique and passive-aggressive way possible.

In that, he succeeded gloriously. The wind in his hair, the relief of the sun on his skin, his favorite song playing and no flying damn to give is the experience he had searched for. To forget all who forgot him for once.

Time is endless for he is no longer being ignored in his rebellion, with a police officer on his heels. It's as an exhilarating experience as he hoped it would be.

Which stops being fun as abruptly as the ground he drives on and the feeling of freedom gets replaced with fear; fear for his life to be over before he's given his father's death at least a second meaning.

On first glance, the boy opening the door doesn't look like Lady Amanda's son at all. He is the epitome of a young Vulcan male from his red robe, over golden embroidered sleeves full of Vulkhansu to his black-haired bowl cut and pointed ears.

He greets his mother in Vulcan and takes her bags from her before she whispers something to him that makes him look towards Jim still leaning against the hovercar that brought him here.

Lady Amanda hasn't stopped talking, gives her son a sudden laugh and tries to kiss him on the cheek which he expertly dodges.

In the soft light of the San Fransisco sunset, his skin glows with a green shimmer Jim's sleep-deprived brain has no words for except a flutter in his stomach and a tightening of his chest.

He really has had enough of heartbreak for today, so Jim ignores his feelings and breaks the moment by going to the trunk to retrieve his bags.

He even gets one of this soul-crushing epiphanies out of it: There is not even a single grain in him that is made for a senseless death.

Which proves to be a relief for his still young heart, because the death of his father is an old wound never to be mended properly.

It follows him like a shadow glued to your feet at midday; nearly unnoticeable but always in the corner of his eyes; simultaneously grounding and grabbing his ankles as he walks.

To know in his heart of hearts that he isn't suicidal is a refreshing discovery he mulls over the ride to the police station.

The whole wait there, having nothing more to do than giving a short run through his personal data, he hammers this newfound reason to accept a part himself into his brain and heart.

Spock originally went with his mother to Earth to be disciplined for another altercation between him and Stonn that ended with him breaking his bond with T'Pring.

If he had to be honest with himself, this 'change of scenery' had not made it simpler for him but made him - to use his mother's words - moody and sullen.

To use the learning pods on Vulcan and reading I'Chara his home assignments had been a substantial part of his life which left him with nothing much here on Earth except for meditation.

In retrospect, he should not have asked his mother for help in this matter for on the same day she brought a scrawny looking human boy home with her to keep him company.

Frank even gives him shit for his word choices now, or his love of paperbound books, while failing to notice his nephew's sudden ability to read Vulcan since last summer.

Therefore he would never have thought his uncle had the balls to go through with one of his biggest threats.

(The really old classic Literature is just too thrilling and interesting a thing not to enjoy rereading but he should have stopped and moved on to at least the 21. century instead of teaching himself a language in one year for a bet. It's fun to deceive his uncle only for so long, anyway.)

Against the glimmering light of the sunset, his hair looks like wheat and his leather jacket gives him the looks of a space scoundrel to the liking of all the illogical films his mother showed him in preparation for their trip here.

Spock has to refocus on the conversation with his mother before she detects his abnormal loss of concentration. She does not listen to his concern as to Sarek's reaction for she finally took the right to adopt a human child into the family as well. The conversation ends with a failed kiss on the cheek no doubt to embarrass him in front of the younger human.

While Spock tries to gauge what it was that inspired his mother to fight for and take this boy in the blonde takes his luggage and strolls towards the front door.

The polite thing to do would be to give him his name and invite him in but as long as Spock is the only other member of the household he will protect his mother with all his abilities. Even if he has to impose on this boy the rules first.

Before Spock has the chance gather the correct words to lay down these rules to him the human stops directly on the greeting mat, stares vaguely in Spock's direction and starts to mumble the words stitched onto his sleeves in near perfect Golic.

Hearing Vulcan out of this boys mouth awakes something in Spock he had buried deep in his heart and thought forgotten. As he remembers his deep love and protectiveness for his mother his classmates evoked in him three years ago his heart swells with a feeling he can not identify.

And then the boy looks directly up to him, the bluest eyes Spock has ever seen in his life piecing into his own and his first words find their way directly into his soul.

All rules are forgotten as Spock storms off into the home he now has to share with a beautiful boy he does not even know the name of.

Nevertheless, they are sitting in the family hovercar six months later, Frank filling him in on the details of the big punishment for destroying "his antique" once again, driving on the way to the San Francisco International Shuttle Port for his flight to the Tarsus system.

He'll have to depart to a human colony in the Yadalla quadrant never to be seen again until he is old enough to decide for himself. A thought of Sam's decision to run away flitters through his mind, piercing his heart.

There is a deep crack in his chest that hurts again as it tears itself deeper into where other humans his age have their hearts. The ache of his brother's betrayal distracts him enough to get caught up in his own head again.

As Jim comes around the car again Amanda's son still stands at the front door watching him, bags vanished from his hands together with their owner.

Jim ambles towards the house he'll live in for the next two years and still he's being watched like a foreign kitten would be under the eye of the territorial house cat.

Even the scrutiny which he's greeted with is no unlike of what he heard of how first meetings with Vulcan's usually go for humans.

Lady Amanda told him to not be intimidated by her "stoic boys", so Jim does what he can best to cover his embarrassment and sleepiness: He uses his brain to stop his mouth from blabbering by deciphering the Golic scripture on the boy's arms.

He's still watching the boy out of the corner of his eyes until he sees a fleeting expression on this stoic face that reminds him all too much of Lady Amanda's first reaction.

Surprise at his sudden arrival and being begrudgingly impressed by his competence at the same time.

Jim gathers all the self-worth he has left in him, looks up into the older boy's eyes and is caught by the deepest brown he could ever imagine.

Just this morning he thought brown eyes couldn't get more beautiful and now his brain freezes again.

Surprising every member of the household S'chn T'gai, including Jim, Sarek not only approves of the new addition to his home but Jim takes to Sarek's parenting like 'a fish to water', as Amanda joyful comments after the boys have gone to bed.

The summer after Jim's thirteens birthday he realizes that Amanda Grayson saved him from Tarsus IV before anyone could have known that there was a saving needed.

He sits with his self-repaired radio at the kitchen table, waiting for the rest to get Micheal home when he hears the news of the famine.

The shudder that runs all over his body won't leave his bones for days. After he confides in Spock about his mix of guilt, fear, and other, more complicated feelings, he vows to himself never to rush into something like last year ever again without a reasonable person at his side.

If he is more clingy the next few weeks Spock doesn't complain. Just as Jim doesn't grumble as much as he could have when they leave to live on Vulcan at the start of the next year.

He hates hypocrisy in people in almost the same way as he loathes people having a brutal attitude towards kids, animals or books so this raging wave of anger and loneliness should come as no surprise.

Frank's smug commentary fades into the background as he ponders over his possibilities. Which are, admittedly, nonexistent.

One cannot just run away to a whole other planet without knowledge and consent of their parents.

This is why, after stepping out of Frank's hovercar and sprinting away from it as fast as possible, he - with all his youthful enthusiasm - runs into some humanoid, only to try and catch himself while he already falls.

A Vulcan swearword passes his lips as he readies himself for a broken nose.

The music player in Lady Amanda's hovercar plays a classic song sounding even older than the Beastie Boys, which was what he heard in his father's car.

"Amanda?", Jim asks, small voice testing the strength of the silence between them.

"Yes, Jim?", Amanda looks back at him with merriment dancing in her eyes.

Jim looks down, fidgets with the hem of his jacket and asks, "I've never heard classical music like this before. What is the song called?".

Her humor creeps back into Lady Amanda's voice as she answers, "This song played as I met my husband for the first time. I am very fond of it and play it when I cannot be with him for a longer time. It is called ‘Soul meets body', I believe."

"Rather unoriginal to name it after the first line of the chorus", Jim grumbles halfheartedly before he can shut his mouth. He slumps into himself and awaits the glaring reprimand for his backtalking.

"Young man, don't talk a Lady's favorite love song down before you even heard the ending.", Amanda starts to scold him but breaks out into peals of laughter.

Jim sinks into himself, worries at the sleeves of his jacket while trying to repress a smile at her amusement as she starts up again.

"Exchange 'unoriginal' with an 'illogical' and you sound just like my son or his father. Besides, if he cannot win against my husband's fondness for this 'unoriginal' piece, you will have to cope somehow, too.", and she sends him a warm upturn of her lips that follows into the twinkle in her eyes.

At this very moment, he realizes that he will not see his uncle for at least a year, is free to pursue every kind of education he wants now and has a patron at his side now to help him with his emotions.

The future just opened her door to him again, and before he can stop himself he burbles out, "Yes, my Lady."

Amanda's startled laughter warms something in his chest he doesn't remember getting cold.

A firm hand holds onto his arm him before he faceplants on the floor.

Startled dark brown eyes look in his light blue ones and Jim feels - for the first time in months - the hope spreading in his chest to find a way getting away with his ...clumsiness.

The woman he just bumped into has the passionate look of an empathetic, heartfelt mother that he would fight tooth and nails for to be under the watchful eye permanently.

Before Frank can whisk him away forever he'll be damned if he doesn't fight for this woman's forgiveness.

So he musters all this longing, his hurt at his brother's departure, the craving for his mothers love tumbling through his heart and smiles his most charming smile to start damage control.

Jim's plan to join Starfleet is anticipated and embraced by both Amanda and Sarek whose support differs vastly yet helps him greatly to cope with the one silent rejection he feels emanating from Spock.

It's not that Spock does not root for his successes or his choices per se, Jim just senses a growing unease bordering on pain from his best friend that worries him.

They have grown close these past five years and Spock had always confided in him but these past six months they merely talked about anything else but school.

He is barely thirteen years old and what should be an unfolding row of his biggest mistakes is suddenly morphing into an even bigger stroke of luck James Tiberius Kirk's boldest fantasies may never have dared to produce.

Spock leaves for the VSA the next day and Jim has an unpleasant feeling in his gut and yet tries to let Spock go.

The dinner is solemn for it will be the last time with all of them together in a long time. Jim opts to do the dishes with Amanda drying them beside him.

They remember with laughter important happenings over the past years, from Spock and Jim constant bickering the first two months of Jim's stay until Sarek came back from a diplomatic mission over their constant competition in all academic things to their first day at the Vulcan learning center when Spock stood up for Jim against Stonn and his three friends.

Afterwards, Jim confides in his honorary mother his fears that Spock will intellectually thrive without working on his emotional needs and thus slowly depriving him of his best and only friend.

Amanda laughs wetly and hugs him long enough to make it awkward for him.

The next day he finds a real paper notebook on his desk with a self-written dedication on the first page in Amanda's handwriting. He scurries into the room next door to ask Spock if he received a similar gift but all of his things are meticulously stashed away as always.

In Starfleet, Jim chooses against Command and for Science. He doesn't want to hear anyone's so-called worries about how George Kirk would think of his decision.

Sarek is his foster father and he had as much influence on him as his biological one.

He only confides in his roommate as to his main reason to forsake the chair. In three years time, Spock will have finished his Vulcan degree to come to Starfleet to choose Command and Jim cannot bear the thought of losing his boyfriend like he nearly lost his life nearly six years ago.

Sadly, his roommate doesn't get very far in Starfleet's program that deliberately weeds out unfit people in the first year.

Jim stays alone for nearly a year for he is on an elevated course to get him through Starfleet in three and it is known by now that he is a "that nerd from Vulcan".

He finds a fast friend in Scotty and his fellow engineer and together they tamper with the beaming equation.

After attempting to beam Porthos the IX with said new method against Jim's better judgment, they keep him as the youngest one out of harm's way.

So, after a quick hearing in which he doesn't get a word in because both Scotty and Nick take the blame, they get send to two ice planets as far away from each other as possible for punishment and Jim is without best friends again.

Before Jim leaves for Starfleet Spock gifts him with a secret, a kiss, and a promise in form of two rings, both hanging on chains. One he hangs around Jim’s head after asking for his permission; the other goes under Spock’s knitted sweater.

Jim was never so giddy in all his life. Still, saying goodbye hurts worse this time more than ever.

His heart may have healed his old wounds although that only makes places for new ones. Jim can see the same pain reflected in Spock's eyes, though and that gives him the strength to venture into this alone. For now.

To Jim's surprise, two cadets from Command find interest in his alleged contribution to the Admiral Archer Incident and he becomes fast friends with both of them.

Pasha is very much like him in his interest for accumulating new knowledge and being categorized as a bookish type for it.

He comes up to Jim refilling one of the bookshelves in the library and asks him straight out about the feasibility of the equation and if he would be allowed to improve it.

Hikaru is nearly as calm as a Vulcan in both serious and stressing moments. They meet in the gym for the close combat lessons becoming fast friends.

Their table at the cafeteria slowly grows: First, it’s just Pasha, Hikaru and Jim goofing around. Then Bones joins them after he has to bunk with Jim (they were apparently both horrendous roommates until now but get along with each other like no one’s business).

After that Spock suddenly sits at their table and brings his best student Uhura with him, who spouted a slight crush on Spock at that time.

Sometimes Christine Chapel and M’Benga follow Bones to chat medicine, sometimes Gaila sprawls across someone's lap to steal a french fry or two.

In the summer between his third and fourth year, Spock arrives as promised. The VSA was not happy about his decision to leave for Starfleet, nevertheless, they were unable to sway his decision to leave for Earth.

Jim marvels at Spock's new sense of self-confidence; Spock complements Jim's newfound tranquility and gifts him with fitting glasses.

They decide to take it slow and try dating for the next year - at least until Spock finishes with his one year course in Command.

They decide to ‘enter a serious relationship’ only to tell Captain Pike of it as their mentor and soon-to-be captain before the start of Jim’s fifth and Spock’s second year at Starfleet.

Jim starts to teach at the same time as Spock does because he opted for an extra degree in engineering and medicine. Spock attempts to tease him for his excessively broad knowledge but he admits defeat after the rendition of the first half of his degrees at the VSA.

Jim receives a text from Scotty that he is stationed on Delta Vega, loathes the cold way more than suspected and awaits rescue on citation of a code of brotherly honor that is clearly invented on the spot.

Jim laughingly agrees but forgets it for the next months; which grow into a year and into two and into five before, by sheer accident, Jim can keep his promise.

Bones grouches and grumps more and more since Uhura joined them at the table. Jim goes drinking with him to discover his problem and is pleasantly surprised at what he finds.

He was ready to ride to Spock’s honor thrice-fold, however, Bones only complaint is that he had planned to hit on one single woman and his plans are thwarted again by a male he cannot compete with.

Jim’s so positive surprised that he can solve this problem without any brains at all - and as he is pretty drunk by now - he starts opening up about his and Spock’s relationship including how Uhura should be fair game for his best friend.

The next morning Jim swears Bones to secrecy as to eliminate any and all rumor about favoritism when they’ll be both stationed on the Enterprise under Pike.

Bones is too happy for having his fighting chance again so he doesn’t get into his usual fuss about Jim secrecy.

Vulcan nearly falls. Well, it implodes for sure, but only after enough time passes to evacuate two-thirds of the population on the planet.

Incidentally, that’s because Jim has heard so many of Scotty’s wild theories he just follows his gut with this new form of matter. His working rapport with Hikaru and Pasha is good enough to make them trust him in this instance.

They shoot the drill out of the Vulcan sky before the red matter hits ground levels.

Amanda would have fallen, too, if it were not for Spock’s tight grip on her arm. Spock and Jim hold her in a tight embrace after they are out of danger and can take a breather. (i.e. Bones banned them from active duty after working for 48 hours straight)

Of course, Spock gets the command of the Enterprise. Jim is his Science Officer, just as Spock chooses Uhura as his First.

Bones has gotten his act together and asked her out after the debacle with Nero and now they are insufferable in their banter. Jim opts against telling the others of their relationship as to not put Spock in a bad light. Fraternization is still frowned upon in Starfleet.

A good year later they fight Khan Noonien Singh and all of the sudden, while the Enterprise falls down to Earth, Jim painfully remembers his first revelation about himself. About his newfound will to live and his avoidance of death.

He feels Old Spock’s memories catching up with him and his heart slowly breaks into little pieces. He cannot let Spock die for the crew like Old Spock did and yet the warp core needs fixing for anyone to survive.

It’s decided before he even thought it fully through. This is his chance to die a death that was worth giving his life for.

He knocks his loyal friend Scotty out to get into the warp chamber - Scotty probably hates him after this - and miraculously pulls through with his stunt.

As Jim drags himself to the anti-contamination chamber only regrets not having bonded with Spock sooner. Spock will definitely hate him now.

Before everything fades to black Jim holds his hand in the ta’al to the glass that separates him from his fiancee, collects his last breath to smile and whispers “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular“ * to Spock, who somehow got to him in time. And who is crying for the first time they know each other.

His last thought is a worry about how Spock is going last through his first ponn far now that Jim’s as good as dead while his world blinks out of existence.

Jim doesn’t see the deep hurt and black despair flickering over Spock’s face morphing into a rage that would be becoming on the face of a pre-Surakian Vulcan warrior.

Jim barely feels the echo of the pain and anger that is packed in Spock’s cry for revenge in his heart as he drifts away into nothingness.

Nyota and Scotty can do nothing but follow as Spock whisks Jim’s body away to med-bay.

Jim awakes to the beeping of medical instruments and a deep voice humming a song so low he cannot decipher more than the tune - which he realizes is one of Spock’s favorite songs.

There’s a hand holding his own while a slightly cooler one gently caresses his face and Jim feels the same gentle caress resonating in his mind and heart.

With a small smile, he slowly opens his eyes to find Spock sitting beside his bed, sporting civilians clothes and weary eyes in an unusual sleep-deprived face.

The humming stops.

Spock blinks once, twice (using only the second eyelid) then smiles at Jim like the most radiant sunset had just graced the horizon for only Spock's eyes to behold.

Spock was never so bold with showing his emotions, even solely in his eyes like now, so Jim loses himself in their brown depth for a moment (or two) before he clears his throat and mumbles with a smile, “Hey, lover.”

“Hello ashayam”, Spock murmurs back, and before Jim's eyelids flutter shut again he hears a quiet, “I cherish thee, my love.”

Jim squeezes his boyfriends hand in his and thinks at him as loud as he can: “I know, ashaya.”

* ”I cherish thee”

#startreksecretsanta #ela talks #star trek

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