#Super Duper Fighty Punchy Boys IV

[howtohero]

Your Friend Has Come Back to Life

Or have they... Your friend -maybe they were a superhero, maybe they weren’t it doesn’t really matter- has died. (We’re very sorry for your loss.) You eulogized them (beautiful speech by the way, very moving) buried them (mmm I like the way you work that shovel), mourned them (again, very sorry for your loss. And for that shovel comment) and eventually you found peace. You found solace in the fact that they were in a better place. You’ve moved on until you too felt that you were in a better place, emotionally speaking. And then this joker strolls right back into the realm of the living like nothing even happened.

Yeah frikkin right.

There’s no way this poser is really your dead and buried friend. Right? It couldn’t be. They died. And sure, it’s notoriously difficult to keep a good hero down but that’s not something that really happens is it? That’s just a rumor. People fake their deaths sure, but actual resurrection? Come on. That’s poppycock. (Such poppycock, except for the fact that happens all the time.) Sure to other people. But this is clearly some type of ruse. Part of some insidious scheme to learn my secrets. (”My”?) Sorry, right your secrets. It’s part of an insidious scheme to learn your secrets, dear reader. 

The best way to put an end to this scheme is to expose this imposter for what they really are... an imposter! (Gasp!) When somebody shows up pretending to be your dead friend you should immediately kidnap them and seal them away somewhere isolated. This way the cretin can’t use your dead friend’s memory to manipulate all of their friends and loved ones. Ideally you do it before they can present themselves to your late friend’s family. Once that happens you’re in trouble. This overjoyed and grateful family, who now believe that a miracle has occurred, is not just going to let you kidnap and imprison they’re resurrected family member. Unless their family is weak and you can like fight them. Then it’s not really a problem.

How! To! Fight! An! Entire! Family! And! Kidnap! Their! Allegedly Resurrected! Loved! One! (Oh yeah, we’re doing this.)

Let grandma know what happens when she harbors an alien shapeshifter/clone/charlatan. Sometimes you gotta beat up an entire family in order to save them from a supervillain masquerading as their dead relative. For the greater good. Don’t sweat the little things (they’re called children) they’re not going to pose a threat to you. Size up this family, who are the strong ones, who are the ones that are going to stand in the background and hurl piercing insults at you, who are the ones that honestly could not care less that this person came back to life? Once you’ve quickly categorized all of these relatives, you can fight them in the following order: 

The elderly: They may seem frail and docile, and most of them are but science(?) shows that one in every four grandfathers has a pocket knife and knows how to use it. So on the off chance that this grandpa is armed or that this granny puts the “MMA” in gramma, you want them taken off the board as soon as superhumanly possible. And hey, if they aren’t armed they’ll be very easy to fight and you could use that kind of confident boost to propel you further in this quest.

Any mothers: Everybody knows that mothers get temporary bursts of superpowers when their offspring are in danger. Sure, technically, this isn’t their son that you’re kidnapping. It’s most likely some kind of bug alien in a skin suit. But mom doesn’t know that, and I don’t know enough about how those superpowers work to say whether or not it matters (But hey, if Mother’s Day for some reason falls on a Tuesday or Thursday this year, expect that to be what we talk about.) 

The physically fit: If there is anybody there who looks strong you should fight them next. 

The, contrary to all appearances, surprisingly fit: Watch out for these scrappy underdogs. They might look unfit, but secretly, they are very fit. Or at least, someone taught them how to punch a kidnapper in the throat. I’d wear a throat guard on this op. 

Everybody else: The actually unfit, the cousin who’s into falconry, “Aunt” Marybeth who isn’t technically related but she’s been friends with mom since college and refuses to leave the house! These folks honestly might not be super invested in this thing, but you’d be wise to fight them anyway. Just in case.

Once you’ve handled the family, you can run off into the night with the poser who is claiming to be your best friend back from the dead. Now you need to interrogate them so you can determine what kind of imposter they are.

How! To! Interrogate! A Slimeball! Who! Is! Pretending! To! Be! Your! Pal! Who! Tragically! Died! (This is happening so get on board.)

There are many different kinds of imposters out there who would just love to fake a relationship with a superhero and have no moral qualms about stealing a dead person’s identity. (Kind of like how you have no moral qualms about beating up an entire family.) Are they just a lowlife shapeshifter who failed to do any basic research? Are they some kind of grifter who did some research but not enough because they can’t even remember that the two of you spent the night before their fifteenth birthday stargazing and mapping new constellations to make each other laugh!!!! Are they a hyper advanced android that actually can answer all of your questions flawlessly and doesn’t appear to be robotic in the slightest but THAT DOESN’T MEAN THEY’RE NOT AN IMPOSTER!!!!! So get your questions ready. Ask them about things only your real best friend would no. Try to get as hyper specific as possible. It’s probably wise to throw in a few questions that your best friend wouldn’t know the answer to, just to be safe. Make sure to heavily imply that torture is on the table so that they confess to their lies and their crimes faster. 

Even if this punk is skillfully answering all of your questions, except for the one’s they can’t answer, which they are honest about. Even If they’re even offering up information about your friend that you didn’t even ask about. You can’t lose sight of what’s really going on here. This person is some kind of conman (or, probably, a conlizard, sent by the lizard mafia to kill you because of all of those outstanding loans) and you can’t be swayed by their cons! However, if you do find your resolve wavering, perhaps out of some foolish desire to believe that your best friend truly has returned from the dead, stay the course. Remember what’s at stake here. My (your) your secrets! Don’t worry, there are other ways of confirming that your friend really is dead.

How! To! Rob! Your! Dead! Best! Friend’s! Grave! (Yeah, we went there.)

The best way to determine whether or not your friend is really dead is to dig up their body and parade it around town. (Make sure to specifically parade it in front of their family so they forgive you beating them all up.) To start you’ll need to get a shovel. (Oh baby.) You’re giving off a weird energy today bud. (I could say the same to you.) Fair enough! Now, back to exhuming your friend’s corpse. The trick with digging up a body is, like all things, to just dig until you find what you’re looking for. Easy peasy. It’s like taking candy from a baby. If the candy was the dead body of your friend. And the baby was dirt. 

If you dig and dig and dig only to find that the grave is empty. Or to find that the coffin is empty except for a note saying “Yo, how crazy? I came back to life! So rad so rad.” Well, then you wasted a lot of time digging for no reason. (I thoroughly enjoyed it though.) Hahaha you need to stop. (What can I say man, I dig a person who knows their way around a shovel.) All righty. Don’t get disheartened though, there could be any number of explanations for your dead friend’s empty grave. It does not necessarily mean that they came back to life. Perhaps some crook stole the body to sell the body parts on the blackmarket. This is especially likely if they were a superhuman. Superhuman body parts go for maaaad cash on the black market...

How! To! Make! Tons! Of! Money! Selling! Dead! Superhuman! Body! Parts! On! The Black Market!

No no. Just kidding. Just kidding. An empty grave could also mean that this fakester was very thorough, and hid the real body so that they could more easily slip into their identity without any questions. But you know better than that. You will not be easily so easily fooled. Which means you need to do the unthinkable. You need to turn to science to prove, once and for all, that this person claiming to be your friend come back to life is nothing but a no good liar.

How! To! Use! Science! To! Prove! Once and for all! That! This! Person! Claiming! To! Be! Your! Friend! Come! Back! To! Life! Is! Nothing! But! A! No! Good! Liar! (Oh, things are serious now.)

Bust out your lab coats and microscopes. We’re about to spit some science. Set up a makeshift laboratory in your basement or hideout or an actual science lab. Then, use that science, to prove things scientifically. (We have a mad scientist on staff you know, want me to call-) Dr. Brainwave! Yes! Great call! Get that rascal in here. I love that guy. (Uh, yeah. Sure thing.) <You called?> Yeah! How would you, a supervillainous mad scientist, prove, using your ungodly science, that someone who claimed to be your best friend back from the dead is nothing but a no good liar. <Oh, great question! Well first obviously you should kidnap and interrogate them.> We did all that, come on, skip to the science. <Ok ok. In order to prove that this person is or isn’t who they say they are you’re going to need a DNA sample. Now, technically all you’d really need is a hair or some spit or blood. But I always say better safe than sorry. The bigger the sample the more likely it is that we’ll get conclusive results, so just chop off an entire arm or leg. To be safe.> To be safe sure, sounds good to me. <Then you toss that leg into a DNA Confirmerjiggeryfloot and you should get the results almost instantaneously. Then when it turns out that this person pretending to be your best friend is a brilliant liar, you can kill him I guess.> Thanks Doc! Brilliant advice from our supervillain corespondent! 

Now, on the off off off off chance that the DNA test comes back with results other than the ones you were hoping for and it turns out that, against all odds, this guy actually is your best friend. And they have come back from the dead. And you did kick the snot out of their entire extended family for literally no reason. Then it may be time for you to come clean with them. And have a candid conversation about the regrettable thing that happened after they, apparently temporarily, passed away.

How! To! Gently! Explain! To! Your! Recently! Resurrected! Best! Friend! That! You! Completely Accidentally I Might Add! Overwrote! Their! Fully! Completed! File! Of! Super! Duper! Fighty! Punchy! Boys! IV! (That’s Right Folks, This Just Got Real)

Yes, it’s true. After they died, you got their video game collection. It turns out they were really good at video games. They unlocked everything and beat every level and every boss in this apparently very hard to beat video game. They won some medal for it or something. You don’t know. You’re not super into video games. How were you supposed to know how big of a deal it was. So yeah, I guess you accidentally erased their saved filed and replaced it with your own. And sure, you’re not nearly as good as they were. You haven’t beaten any levels. You’re bad a video games. Probably you shouldn’t have tried their most prized video game first, but you were trying to connect to them after their passing. Is that so bad??? Is that such a crime??? Sure, maybe they didn’t technically leave their prized video games to you. But if stealing a person’s prized possessions from a grieving family is a crime, then I guess you’re just a criminal. Whoops! So now that they’re actually alive you have to explain to them that you basically erased their greatest achievement and most prized possession in one fell swoop. Because you are bad at things. Gosh this is going to be such an awkward conversation. And to think, if he had just stayed dead, you wouldn’t have to have it. [You can’t kill them.] Well, you’ve been awfully quiet this whole time. [I actually quit halfway through this post, but Brainwave called me and said you’d been acting really weird so I came back.] Glad to have you! I wasn’t even going to advocate killing them. You see, if either of you are dead, you can avoid this conversation. So....

How! To! Fake! Your! Death! To! Avoid! An! Awkward! Conversation! With! Your! Apparently! Actually! Resurrected! For! Real! Friend! (Go read our other posts!)