#Sorry. about saying shared life experience. to anyone for whom its a sleeper agent activation phrase. just me?

[rarepairnation]

finished bloodkeep rewatch. as always rotating leiland and markus in my mind. thinking about you don't have to deserve love it is freely given. thinking about love as fealty and the freedom of choice. to decide who it is you will swear yourself to. to decide who it is your heart might belong to. love as devotion but not like it used to be, not a weak little helpless thing, not a futile terrible ache, not chasing something you will never be granted. not as a thing you should be granted at all, not as a favour or a boon or a thing to be won, not as part of a transaction or a manipulation. not something that you have to be worthy of but something that you are given, out of free choice. something that you can give, out of your will and your heart. its about learning how to love its always being a little bit weird and intense and always giving 100% of yourself and learning that you're not going to be punished for it. that you're going to get what you want and the man who you might be falling in love with is someone who can love you back. who will, if you give him the chance. leiland guy of all time.

ALSO thinking about being a pirate mercenary for hire and wanting nothing else (after gold, maybe) than to go home but you can't, you can't, because they didn't even fucking look for you. you were lost at sea and they didn't even look for you, or at least they didn't find you, which when you think about it is basically the same thing. it's about finally meeting someone who has the closest to shared life experience as you've ever come, someone who tells you i know a thing or two about being forgotten royalty, and he's a little intense and a little pathetic and possibly a little too fixated on torturing people for all eternity but hey, who are you to judge. it's about spending the craziest day of your life watching him, watching him come into himself, giving him your kill just so he feels a little bit better about himself, and you don't want to save him, not necessarily. you're evil, you're not really in the business of saving people. you kind of want to fix him and you kind of want to just show him that goddamnit, look at what you could be if you just let people love you. markus also guy of all time.