#Sorry this is so fuckin long lol this is a huge topic

[stjohnstarling]

Hello! Love 'What Manner of Man'! It inspired me to make my own vintage gay story myself!

But I'm having an issue with outlining, since outlining a novel feels more close-ended than a longer-form serial novel is.

Do you have any advice? Or resources, etc?

So you have no way of knowing this, but I am actually obsessed with story structure. It’s maybe the part of storytelling I’ve spent the most time consciously working with, so sorry in advance because I’m about to go on a dubiously helpful monologue. It’s a bit tricky for me to answer about resources, since the things I used when I was learning have been lost to the sands of time. That being said I have a couple pieces of advice:

If you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t be afraid to find a template. I wish I could link you a good one but I don’t have any on hand. When I was first learning to write novels, I actually found a few different standard novel structure templates and used them to outline a bunch of novels I never intended to write, as practice. Bad and silly ones that were just fun to play with, where there was no pressure to write anything I’d ever want anyone to see. My background is in music, so my instinct when I don’t know how to do something is to isolate that element and practice it on its own, and it’s never steered me wrong.*

But more than that - what you’re feeling as closed-ended is that you’re trying to write a story with structure, as opposed to one that is mostly improvised. I remember feeling this too, when I first started exploring writing novels, but this is one of those cases where limitations are actually what gives you freedom.

Structure is part of the artistry of storytelling - just like poetry has forms like sonnets and sestinas, and songs have verses, bridges, and choruses. You know intuitively the structure of a pop song, and that heightens the pleasure of listening to one as you anticipate the build up to the chorus. Stories are like this too. The structure is an important part of the audience’s enjoyment of the final piece, whether they know it or not.

I’ll give an example. Season one of AMC’s The Terror is a piece of fiction that is structured with some serious artistry, above and beyond just good craftsmanship, its structure is a crucial part of how it creates meaning. As a result a lot of what its fans do is analyze it for parallels in its storytelling. I don’t think many of them would articulate what they enjoy about it as “this is a well structured story,” but the structure is actually one of the main things the fandom engages with.

More than any writing resource, the best way to learn is to study and analyze stories you admire - why things are put in a certain order and why events fall at the points in the story that they do. When are you anticipating, when are you experiencing catharsis, where in the story do those things happen? Explore widely! You don’t have to limit yourself to novels! Movies are great for getting a basic understanding of how you can structure a story because the time and space requirements they’re subject to mean movies tend to be very rigidly structured. There’s no time to mess around like there is in long forms of fiction like novels.

I encourage you to embrace structure as a part of the art and a potential tool for expression and beauty! I can’t tell you how rewarding it is.

*I am aware that this advice does not work for a lot of people, so if it doesn’t work for you that is also perfectly fine! Everyone is different.

[monstersinthecosmos]

Anne has written countless sex scenes. Vampires are not ace. Some are. Gabrielle for example. She's also trans, or gender queer. But broadly claiming them all as ace has no grounds at all. You assume that sex has to involve genitals. It doesn't.

So I received this anon within like literal minutes of making this post, which TLDR said hey can we stop invalidating every time someone has an ace read of VC. And I debated whether or not to answer this because frankly, I find it quite mean-spirited and rude in context to the post I made, and as a rule I don't really like to publish salty anons in my space. 

I also don't feel like a long response is necessarily warranted here because you don’t seem interested in a conversation and I’m not sure it’s productive to discuss this to you directly when you might not hear it. I have, many times in fandom, been laughed at for being too passionate or vulnerable and if you’re the type of person who’s gonna shut down what I have to say by making fun of me, I can’t do anything about that. That's a You Problem. Still, I can talk about this topic because it's important to me and because I want to, and the fact that I received this message in my inbox at all proves to me I need to talk about it even more lol.

And honestly, I REALLY hate the vague post bullshit culture on tumblr, like I've always tried to qualify my posts by saying I'm not the only person with an opinion that matters. No one has to agree with me and I know that fandom is not a monolith and I cannot possibly capture every person’s perspective at all times. And honestly? I shouldn’t have to. None of us should have to. It takes very little for someone to just read a post with good faith and not assume the worst of somebody for sharing something personal that doesn’t match their exact life experience. And I've always been open to a conversation if I get something wrong, I think I have a pretty good track record of being genuine about that. 

Cause I can just see it already that if i respond to this rude, worst-faith-possible anon with a huge essay, people are gonna be like LMAAAO IT BOTHERED YOU SO MUCH and like so what if it bothers me? I'm a fucking person, dude.  Like I have feelings just like everyone else? Idk man like I'm not a fuckin edgelord 22 year old who thinks having feelings is cringe, sorry I want to be a person. Yes it bothers me. I don't appreciate this. It's fucking rude and you know it's rude.

But I want to repeat some of the points I made in case you missed them, also because of the overwhelming support I've gotten from fellow aces in fandom. This is exactly the type of attitude I was talking about. I said "There is room for an ace read and you don't have to invalidate asexuals to share your version" and you immediately (within minutes of me posting) come to me saying that I have "no grounds" and then explain genitals to me. Thank you! I appreciate the stereotype that you think I've never had sex, that's very forward thinking .

I'll repeat something I said in my original post in case you missed it: My point is that you don't have to invalidate aces to share your opinion.

Let's get into this though.

"Anne has written countless sex scenes."

This is funny because it depends if you think the sex has to involve genitals (I don't think it does) and it depends if you read a vampire pleasuring a human as mutually satisfying. Some examples I can think of are: Armand watching Daniel with others, Lestat eating out that chick in Memnoch, all the Marius/Armand content, Marius & Armand with Bianca,  & that weird shit in Vittorio. Even so I wouldn't necessarily call that "countless", I think I can actually list these scenes on my fingers lol. 

Like this is what I'm saying. I can read those scenes as vampires playing with their food and offering a physical human experience. I really love this dynamic between Daniel & Armand in particular as sEEN BY THE MESS THAT IS MY AO3 PAGE LOL, because it's a constant push-pull of miscommunication of how to physically pleasure each other.

I'll repeat something I said in my original post in case you missed it: You don't have to invalidate the aces in fandom by denying it so loudly. 

And like, yes she has written countless scenes! The other half of her career was erotica!!! But the vampires were specifically not sexual. She talked about it a lot. This is a quote I really like from her: 

"I see the vampires as deeply loving all sorts of people. Once they are made vampires, they transcend gender and sexual desire. Their loves have to do with the essence of the person."

I can think of twice in VC where two vampires have sex, and both were Pandora/Marius in her book. 

Which brings me to:

"Vampires are not ace."

Both Marius/Pandora scenes are full of commentary about how it feels like nothing. That they're capable of doing it (same goes for Ursula/Vittorio) but that it's useless and doesn't excite either of them. It’s not a matter of their parts not working, it’s a matter of them not desiring sex. 

There are also three examples I can think of where vampires are experiencing sex for their own pleasure: the two scenes in TOBT when Lestat is in the human body and his fuckin like vampire sex injection in PL. And this is a larger conversation about what asexuality means and I’m happy to entertain all angles, because this is a conversation about “does the Dark Gift fundamentally change your sexuality or does it stay with you in your mind?” (My entire point was that it DOES change your sexuality if you do an asexual read, even though I stated it wasn’t the only read.) But I personally see Lestat as wanting these things out of curiosity for the experience. Even in TOBT when he’s trying to get with David he’s making it more about needing to get to fuck a man while he still has the body, ie: an experience. 

This resonates with me a lot!!!! I know a lot of ace people who are into sex conceptually like kink, or who will try it sometimes out of curiosity. Everyone I’ve fucked in the past 10 years since I accepted my asexuality was out of curiosity LOL. It’s a thing that ace people can do, we’re not all sex-repulsed.

I want to share a quote from the AVEN website--which I really recommend to EVERYONE because it’s a great resource-- ”Many asexual people may experience forms of attraction that can be romantic, aesthetic, or sensual in nature but do not lead to a need to act out on that attraction sexually.”

I'll repeat something I said in my original post in case you missed it: … it's this thing in the universe that they are no longer restrained by human social constructs. They love everyone, they can be attracted to anyone. But similarly, they don't have sex, and that attraction is not sexual in nature. Asexuality does not mean celibacy, but it does mean you are not experiencing sexual attraction.

This point that Pandora makes, the evidence that it feels like nothing and means nothing, also goes back to the idea of servicing a human as a favor to them that the vampire doesn't receive pleasure from. 

Another helpful quote from AVEN: “Asexual people may still feel physical pleasure from activities that are sensual, but not sexual. This may include things like cuddling, kissing, or other forms of physical contact or embrace that fall short of sex while still fulfilling their needs. Different people have different levels of intimacy they require, and that’s no less true for asexual people – aside from not needing sex.”

As a counterpoint to your claim that there are “countless” sex scenes, I’d say there are countless examples of vampires explaining that sex feels like nothing and they only want to drink blood. 

I'll repeat something I said in my original post in case you missed it: (There is of course space here to translate what hunger/Blood means in regards to sexuality and I get that. You can read it more than one way.)

To come at me like I stated this is an absolute is really unfair, like. Again I’m here wondering if this is worth responding to because it’s in such horrifically bad faith, but. I think fandom needs to see this. 

I say: There is ample evidence in the text that the vampires can be read as ace, even if you see other ways to read it, but being a dick about it is not necessary.

You, immediately in my inbox: Being a dick about it.

Cool, got it.

“Gabrielle for example. She's also trans, or gender queer.”

I’m really curious your logic on this one, because Gabrielle was never confirmed trans or genderqueer. I don’t understand why you’re allowed to state this as an absolute, but I’m not allowed to say that vampires can be read as asexual.

I'll repeat something I said in my original post in case you missed it: Basically, I think younger folks in fandom need to understand that ace identity is still fairly new, especially considering how old these books are. I mean even AR herself spoke often about how she was genderfluid or non-binary without once ever adopting it as an identity. Perhaps she wasn't aware? I barely expect regular people TODAY to know about asexuality. I have to explain it every time I come out to somebody. I don't expect 20, 30, 40 year old novels to get it.

Anne Rice spoke often about gender, both in regards to herself and to her work. We see this several times in her books, too. Gabrielle is the most beloved, but Bianca was doing stuff like this too. 

Fans even asked Anne if Gabrielle was trans, and she said no. 

But I like the idea that Gabrielle is trans! I think it reads!!!!! It totally makes sense. But I see the way Anne spoke about her OWN gender and I wonder if she didn’t have the tools to articulate it back in the 70s/80s. That was the point I made about asexuality as well. 

It doesn’t have to be literal, on the page. Lestat doesn’t have to tell us he’s ace in those words. 

I'll repeat something I said in my original post in case you missed it: I don't think she wrote them intentionally to be ace rep.

In fact, there’s a really interesting timeline of the history of asexuality as we know it, like when it was first discussed, when the term was coined as we use it today, etc. It’s almost entirely confined to academic papers in the 70s & 80s when this universe was being built. I also think it does good to remember that tumblr is an echochamber and you’re probably surrounded by likeminded queer people, and the reality is that the normies outside do not know what asexuality is. It’s STILL barely discussed. 

And there is such a rich history of literature where characters are queer-coded, whether intentionally or not, because the author either wasn’t allowed to talk about it or didn’t know how to talk about it. There are so many historical figures that we are looking back on and asking if they were actually trans. Ask how often queer theory involves combing over old texts for clues lol.

There are also several points in VC that imply autistic/neurodiverse traits in the characters and like. That was not talked about until quite recently. So many times you see these traits in older novels and you have to wonder if the author was modeling it after themselves or someone they knew, and it’s interesting to wonder what it was based on. But just because it’s not on the page, literally, doesn’t mean it can’t be discussed. Especially books from decades where these concepts weren't readily available to the general public.

Anyway, I'll repeat something I said in my original post in case you missed it: The way you read the book isn't the ONLY way to read it, and there's space for everybody. And no one is asking you not to read your version or have your headcanons. You can do all those things without telling ace fans that they're wrong.

“You assume that sex has to involve genitals. It doesn't.”

Tbh I’m a little lost on this point because I’m not sure where I said that, but in case you missed it, I did say: I'm not really thrilled about some of the conversations I see in VC fandom around asexuality. 

Like, again. Yknow what, I try really hard to be kind to people in this fandom, and I’ve always done my best to be approachable, but this is such a condescending, fucked up thing to message to a stranger. 

(I also said: Like, I'm not here to give a sex ed lesson, but asexuality is a spectrum.) 

Honestly how dare you. I don’t even know what to say to this. Thanks for allosplaining genitals to me, Anonymous Tumblr User Who Has Never Met Me. 

“But broadly claiming them all as ace has no grounds at all.”

I saved this one for last because what a completely preposterous thing to say.

I'll repeat something I said in my original post in case you missed it: So basically, I don't want to hear that VC vampires aren't asexual. Even if it's imperfect or unintentional, there is room for that reading. 

I’m not sure what you hoped to accomplish by dropping this in my inbox, to be honest. Like, I said numerous times all over the post that there’s more than one way to read it and you don’t need to be an asshole to people. 

I think YOU claiming that there’s no grounds at all has no grounds at all! HOW BOUT THAT!

Like there is AMPLE evidence in the text, I’ve pointed a few parts out but like, ??? Did we read the same books? 

I love this topic, honestly. I said so in my post about how it made me feel seen and less weird reading these books, and you can see in the notes on my post that it isn’t an uncommon response to VC. This resonated with a lot of people. 

But I’m not gonna sit here and go through all of it on your ask, because frankly the aces in fandom deserve better than that. We deserve to talk about this when we feel like it without acephobes jumping in our inboxes to tell us we’re wrong. We shouldn’t have to be on the defense every time it comes up, and have to fight for space in a fandom for books about arguably asexual vampires. Like idk maybe I’m an Old Person but I’m not sure when Don’t Like Don’t Read fell out of fashion. If you don’t like asexual reads of VC, you could simply continue to scroll and not take time out of your day to hurt someone’s feelings! How did it make you feel to tell me I'm wrong? What was the outcome supposed to be?

You aren’t even the fuckin first, that’s what’s so sad about this. I say, “It would be nice if people could discuss asexuality in VC without a bunch of dickheads trying to invalidate us” and you saw that as an opportunity lol. And I’m glad to share this ask as an example, because this does happen, and it’s honestly so sad.  

It’s absolutely laughable for you to say there’s no grounds. I don’t even know where to start, it’s all over every one of the books lol. 

And tbh I not going to try to make more points about this. It’s done to death. And for you to come in my inbox saying this is just honestly so insincere. 

Every other day I’m seeing posts from people saying they wish this fandom wasn’t so nasty to each other and it’s like. I don’t get it, why are you behaving like this?

As a policy I try not to post salty anons, and as a policy I try to be friendly and approachable to everyone, but I didn’t survive being violently bullied as a kid to lie down for mean jerks on tunglr dot com.

This isn’t something I tolerate and I’m going to publish it so that everyone else knows they don't have to tolerate it either. 

I hope people write more about asexuality in VC and bring up more meta and quotes and all the other ways it comes up and that they feel safe doing so, because this is honestly ridiculous. Anne did enough damage to this fandom HERSELF, there’s no need for this infighting and high school bullshit. 

I'll repeat something I said in my original post in case you missed it:  I just think in some of these fandom conversations it wouldn't hurt to be more sensitive to these other takes, because it was personal for us too.

I’m not sure how you took my post as an invitation to invalidate my read, tell me there’s no room for my interpretation, and mansplain my orientation to me while simultaneously erasing my experience of it. I can’t see a situation where a person does this for any purpose except to be hurtful.

So idk man, mission accomplished I guess?

[lostjulys]

okay not have huge brainrot on main (who am i kidding i dont even have sideblogs lmao) BUT. cranboo likes to grind and shit right? it wouldnt be outlandish to think he knows alchemy and stuff pretty well right? what im saying is he makes creams and meds for both tommy and tubbo. for skin, for joints. maybe like. smelling stuff that isnt really meds but helps with panic for tommy for example (when he hurts and it reminds him too much of dying) anyways i am going to be thinking about this for days

OH......... yes yes yes i love this so fucking much. good. good soup. like if he's spent that long grinding & making perfectly enchanted armor and potions and stuff it entirely makes sense that he'd be good at alchemy too. gd that's so good... he can't understand what they've gone through, but he can do his best to make things gentle for them from now on.......

thinking abt nlm cbeeduo & cranboo is slightly worried all the time abt ctubbo because he sees the empty potions bottles and how often he's out of it n stumbles sometimes & he goes in for the intervention but ctubbo is just like. "boss man sorry that's what happens when you chug six healing potions a day so you can do executive business without fucking collapsing lol." and ranboo doesn't know what the hell happened that he needs that, but he knows that that's worryingly unhealthy, and even if he's a kinda shit minutes man he's a good alchemist and he finds tubbo one day & goes "ok this one is safe to take daily, don't you dare chug it or you'll astral project into the end, this one can help you sleep too if you have problems with that?-sorry if thats rude you just have like pretty big eye bags- this is a scar cream? it's like a topical analgesic-" etc.

also i think. ctommy n ranboo definitely have a Lot of shared experiences irt 2 chronic pain n stuff? they both have Achy Bones n Bad Joints and have a small, ongoing war over who gets which heated blanket. & also uh shared trauma irt to sudden & violent panic attacks & flashbacks. so they fuckin. they get eachother. n they help each other and stuff. yeah. they. loyalduo ;--; also HELLO i have so fucking many thoughts all of the time abt ctommy being afraid of pain & panicking when he's hurt and shit.........like that. that really fucking sucks. holy shit. thats gotta interfere with ur life on a very fundamental level.

[fansarewaiting]

space asks: the zodiac signs

sorry it took so long to answer this haha. i had to look up the zodiac signs lmaooo. thanks so much for asking so many!

Aquarius - what’s a topic you enjoy learning about?

i enjoy learning about philosophy/psychology. it always interests me how people’s brains work, and how that kind of relates to their thoughts about the world and deep thinking like that

Aries - what is something you enjoy doing?

i love reading, but also sleeping, but also tumblr.

Cancer - how do you want to be remembered?

for being worthy i guess, wow that’s sad lol, uhhh, for being kind let’s go with that

Capricornus - what’s a song lyric that you relate to?

i’ll get back to you on that, i’m not sure yet [insert song lyric here]

Gemini - do you have any siblings? how many?

i have one younger sister

Leo - if you could change the way any movie was made,

i would change all of the gross claymation movies to NOT be claymation cause fuck that, it’s horrifying and i hate it and i’m not sorry don’t @ me

Libra - if you could talk to your past self,

i would tell myself to keep doing you but try to understand math better and talk to more people even if i think they won’t like me

Pisces - describe someone you love without saying their name

i’m gonna describe two people because i love two people and what are rules?

first person: a darling girl from across the pond who i bonded early with here on tumblr about two boys that we love. i can message her any time and expect to hear back from her when she wakes up with the same level of enthusiasm to talk to me. we freak out over our beautiful boys and share about our lives. it’s so comforting to have a friend like that who loves you and cares about the happy and sad things in your life, even if you’ve never met her. she a babe too ;)

second person: my fuckin love, this girl is a little less far away but equally important in my heart. i met her on discord and while she is younger than me by a significant amount of years she can match me (read: beat me) in tbs and other stan thirst and honestly how could you have a friend better than that? she has the magic touch of being able to bring people together (i’m lookin at you babe squad) and share her creativity with us. she’s so generous with her time and compassion. if you ever need a queen, this girl is her. her writing talent makes you wanna cry sometimes, and i always want her to follow her dreams and do well for herself in life, because she deserves it

hey look it turned into a sappy post, thanks a lot victoria

Sagittarius - what do you do when you don’t feel well? what do you eat/drink?

i drink Emergen-C which is a vitamin C supplement to boost my immune system, and chicken noodle soup, or i just eat any form of chocolate available. otherwise i cuddle up and try to sleep. i am of the belief that sleep heals/solves everything. so far it’s worked for me with my feelings AND my health, so we’ll just keep doing that for now. it also helps to talk it out with someone if i’m feeling unwell emotionally. my mom is usually my go-to person.

Scorpius - if you had to pick someone to betray you,

of course, I would pick Teresa, who tf else could do it better?

Taurus - what makes you feel comfortable?

my fluffy blue patterned blanket, a full glass of water beside me, and a comfy spot on the couch or my bed. having my phone and/or my friends around me completes the picture perfectly.

Virgo - what do you value the most - artistic ability/creativity, musical ability, athletic ability, intellect, or work ethic?

I value intellect the most, but I hugely respect artistic ability/creativity as well. Intellect has the power for change behind it, but the other abilities have the reason for life. Work ethic can get everything done, but I have none so wish me luck. Aka, I’m answering this instead of working on my homework, rip.

Thanks so much for the asks @isthisenoughorcanwegohigher!

[luvleekaotix-imagines]

Answering some general asks! Thank you for the love and support <3

Anonymous said to luvleekaotix-imagines:

are u comfy writing fics with a trans reader in them?? nothing like this was in ur rules so i wanted to ask before requesting

Hello darling! This is a really good question. The short answer is that I am okay with writing for a trans reader, but it really depends on the actual request. By that I mean if it’s focussing heavily on issues that I haven’t experienced or know much about, it can be really hard for me to write something that feels genuine which is something I like to do. I never want to make light of serious topics or offend or insult anyone by writing something I clearly have no business writing.

I hope this kind of answers your question and I’m totally up for discussing it if you wanna hit up my chat <3

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Anonymous said to luvleekaotix-imagines:

Connor is actually hurting me with his cuteness ;-; Send help

Connor glances at KC who is has her head on the desk, unmoving.��“She may already be dead and unable to help.” He smiles pleasantly.

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Anonymous said to luvleekaotix-imagines:

okay as long as I'm spamming your inbox (sorry about that btw) I just gotta say, Detroit is the first game to fuckin. romantically frustrate in a long ass time. I don't want to fuck the robots, I just wanna hold their hands and tell them it'll be okay. I'd rather just be a robofucker gdi HELP -detroit anon

Its the worst feeling and SAME. I don’t know if you’ve noticed how affected I am by the feels that suddenly hit me in the fucking face, but good god. Also I’ve always been a robofucker sooooooooooooooooooo  I DUNNO WHAT TO TELL YOU. WELCOME TO THE CLUB OR SOMETHING.

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malina4ka said to luvleekaotix-imagines:

OH GOSH. THANK YOU, THATS AMAZING!! ♥

I’m glad you liked the fluff darling!! <3 I hope it was cosy enough <3

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Anonymous said to luvleekaotix-imagines:

I was just scrolling through the DBH tag to find someone who shares the same amount of love that I have for a precious smol bean that needs to be protected aka Connor and let me tell you that you are a blessing! AH I LOVE YOU

I LOV EYOU TOO! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY TO SEND THIS AMAZING MESSAGE AND SHARE THE CONNOR LOVE. I’ve seen that some people are mad that people love Connor so much? I’m not exactly sure why, but I mean, I love Markus and Kara too, but we can have our own faves, I dunno. AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

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Anonymous said to luvleekaotix-imagines:

I'm in between fandoms right now so I came to read your Devil May Cry writings because that's what I do when I'm in between lol And I come here and see Connor, and... well, I always joked that once androids of that level were a thing I was going to fall in love with one, so I guess this is just natural progression. Kudos to you for being the unwitting matchmaker 😂😂😂

OMG thank you for coming back to ready my DMC stuff!! I do hope the rumor about DMCV is TRUE. I need more DMC in my life, there is never enough. I will always love my devil boissss <3 Also androids will become the bane of everyone’s existence, especially if they’re CUTE and FRIEND-SHAPED like Connor. Hahahahah

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Anonymous said to luvleekaotix-imagines:

I gotta say, your characterisation of Connor feels super spot on :0 Absolutely love your fics! 

O M F G thank you SO MUCH that’s such a huge compliment. Characterisation is something I always try to get right because how else can I make my reader inserts feel genuine. Like, I want it to feel like the character adores you, so I need to write how they would show affection for you, and for that to happen I have to get the character right. Ya dig? ANYWAY. THANK YOU FOR YOUR POSITIVE FEEDBACK. ITS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!!! !!!!!! !! <3

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Anonymous said to luvleekaotix-imagines:

more connor please thank u for existing 

Ohh thank YOU for existing. I love you so much, thank you for sending in this ask. I will write more Connor fo SHO.

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panicnowandrun said to luvleekaotix-imagines:

That Connor imagine was so cute!!! Would you be willing to do a part 2? Like where Connor deviates for her or something? Idk there just isn't a lot out there for him yet and you did so well! (Sorry if this is weird, it's 3am and I can't sleep lol)

I’ll definitely write more Connor stuff and I shall see if I can figure out something for your request, although I think most of my fics will be based on Connor already being a deviant or coming to terms with it or something. Maybe I’ll figure something out for when he’s still instruction-bound. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[mouthlessmaiden]

DUDE I AM SO SORRY for anyone who wants to actually read this rant that was intended to be partially obscured because it makes almost no sense it’ll be below the cut! super long bc it needed to fill up the whole screen sjfjfshsh sorry in advance

the mcu fucking sucks i despise it. like seriously. for all their meticulous planning it’s just some corporate bullshit that totally ruins incredible storylines and characters. like tony stark? haha he drinks alcohol isn’t that so funny??? it’s not like alcoholism is a serious thing right no it’s funny that tony stark ruins his own life he’s the funnyman tho it’s ok. it’s totally cool. thor having survivors guilt? LOL HES FAT ISNT THAT HILARIOUS??? that’s what the mcu sounds like. character arcs that don’t get reset every goddamn movie? i don’t know her. yeah iron man becomes the same fucking character again at the start of every movie despite him having a complete arc in iron man 1. also they make wanda a nazi which is bad on…SO many levels. like if the mcu doesn’t get why that’s wrong i really don’t know if i can explain it. remember that time they ruined civil war for the $$$? like civil war in the comics was a huge 100+ issue event that had serious political topics and long lasting consequences in marvel comics as a whole. people literally died and the mcu is like ohhh did i hear an airport fight with like a dozen people? that’s not a civil war dumbasses. airport fights with a dozen people are when the flight attendant asks a republican to put their masks on that shit happens every day. the issue with that was they simply didn’t have the rights to enough characters to do a civil war, since mutants are vital to the conflict both plot wise and in terms of the underlying moral conflicts. and mutants oh god don’t get me started. they’re totally gonna be the bad guys since they’re a stand in for minority populations and we all know how much the mcu hates us. there’ll probably be a mutant cure plotline and the mutants will be the bad guys for refusing it or something like that. i mean it probably won’t be that blatant but i honestly would not be surprised. they’re probably gonna try to one up fox by casting wolverine as someone even taller than hugh jackman. ok at this point i’m catastrophizing but i mean. gotta do what you gotta do to cope. but for real. the minority treatment in the mcu is total bullshit. i’m not even gonna go into queerbaiting cuz honestly half the time people scream about mcu queerbaiting it’s them wanting two white guys to bang just because they look at each other which is honestly really fucking weird. but the fact that the mcu will have one of the fucking directors of their movie act as a random nameless gay married man and have that be like. a paragon of representation is super fucking self-congratulatory. also they’re totally in the pockets of the military industrial complex they’re not even hiding it at this point. i refuse to watch falcon and the winter soldier but jesus i’ve heard enough about it to know the mcu has gone full mask off with american military propaganda. not like that’s not what they did with captain marvel or anything, which, coincidentally, is another example of the mcu being racist as hell. god i just. don’t understand how they can take comics and suck all of the interesting parts of them out. they legitimately took all of the social and moral importance out of these stories and turned them into a corporate cash cow. that’s not to say comics are perfect because i know they’re not. but jesus at least there’s some heart in comics. there’s nothing there with the mcu it’s just empty quips and shitty plots. all hail the mouse amiright? fuckin hell. god i’m just so bored of the mcu i really am. i have all of the tags blocked here but i still see fucking stony incorrect quotes and i wanna die.

me in my head when someone sees me wearing a marvel comics shirt and asks if i’ve seen the new spider-man trailer

[dpargyle]

This is super long (I’m SORRY) – I have a lot of words inside me, kids.

                               so Thanksgiving was kinda…weird…

went up to my folks’ place in the town higher up into the mountains (above the city where I live) -  and they had some neighbors over –

these neighbors’ little girl is best friends with my little sister (who is 13) (they go to school together, they’re inseparable, etc…) – and my Mum is really good friends with the Mom – and we’ve known them for like seven or eight years now – they’re good peeps, I like them –

ok - so these neighbors have a niece who’s like 22? 23? somewhere around there (she graduated college last year or the year before) - anyways… we (or at least I) first met her about 3 years ago…

cuz, ok – these neighbors are vegetarians or vegans or whatevs – and this girl visits them every thanksgiving I guess – but she’s a meat eater so 3 years ago my Mum’s friend (her aunt) was like “can we bring her over to grab some meat from your meal because she wants at least some meat on thanksgiving?” (who can blame her though?  I’d literally lose my mind not eating meat! – it’s one of my three personal food groups: meat, chocolate, and milk shakes.)

And of course this was long after thanksgiving meal 3 years ago and nobody tells me anything (or maybe I wasn’t listening – that’s highly possible…) – and that night my Packers were playing (getting their asses kicked by their hated rival, the Bears) so, you know – I was sort of pissed off and yelling at the T.V. like an asshole

and then suddenly the neighbors were there with this cute girl [let’s call her Carnie – short for Carnivore - from here on out lol] (it took me like an hour to figure out she was my sister’s friend’s cousin) -

but my Packers were still playing and still sucking ass so I was paying more attention to that than anything else so after that I was like great I barely said anything to this girl (cuz I’m super shy and filled with an avalanche of various anxieties) and now she probably thinks I’m a total Neanderthal cuz I was grumbling at some asinine football game and she seems like the intellectual type so I’m simply gonna file this entire dumb experience to the furthest cabinet at the back of my brain where the dingy light bulbs flicker on and off in the most nauseating way – like I have with so many other dumb experiences before this and probably so many other dumb experiences after this because FAIL.      FAIL, FAIL, FAIL.

So last year Carnie shows up with them again after dinner and we all play some games but my brother and a bunch of his friends were there too, so I literally don’t think I said more than one word to her?  Maybe I did?  (But not much cuz when my big bro is around I don’t really talk to girls cuz I have vivid memories of him mocking my lack of macking skills back in high school and they still haunt me hahaha) In any case, I don’t think I talked to her - dunno, can’t remember, anyway – at least there wasn’t a Packer game on, so I don’t think I completely embarrassed myself that time either…

So now I can finally talk about this Thanksgiving hahaha (gods I’m frikken long-winded – sorry kids!) – so I find out like 3 days ago Carnie & the neighbors will be joining us for the entire day so I’m all

My bro and his wife moved away recently so I knew they wouldn’t be there and I surmised that meant Carnie & I would probably end up talking quite a bit because we’d be the only people around our age there, so I was determined not to be A) a Neanderthal and B) weird, but otherwise I didn’t really have many expectations (again, b4 Thursday I didn’t know much about her at all so why would I?) – I basically just didn’t wanna come off like a douche again….

So when they all come over I’m helping my Mum out in the kitchen with the cooking/getting everything prepared (etc…) – don’t know how much help I was giving tbh, but I wanted to be involved cuz my Dad’s been having leg issues that make him unable to stand for long periods of time and my little sister had been helping with a bunch of other crap throughout those couple days so I was attempting to pull my weight hahaha (and, ok, I knew if I was helping with the cooking when they came in I’d look a lot less like a Neanderthal – but trust me that was low down on the list of reasons why I was helping my Mum out!)

So they come in and we all say hi blah blah blah, but I didn’t really try to engage too much cuz I was helping my Mum with a complicated timing issue with the food, so my focus was on that and not the cutie in the room – so then I finish helping my Mum with that in the kitchen and I didn’t wanna hover and be creepy & weird, cuz you peeps know my default when I’m around cute girls – my brain is like DON’T BE WEIRD!  JUST DON’T BE WEIRD - DON’T BE WEIRD! 

So I was like alright I’m gonna go sit in the living room and try to act like I’m cool and relaxed, so I roll my wheelchair in there, put my feet up - and attempt to exude serenity – and after like two minutes my sis and her buddy come in and start petting my Mum’s cat and talking a bit, but I don’t really enter the conversation cuz they seemed very happy talking amongst themselves and I didn’t wanna butt in –

But then Carnie comes and joins them, and we start talking a little bit and she picks up a random magazine from a coffee table and starts flipping through it and there was an article or something about homeless people and she’s talking about it and then turns to her little cousin and goes [something along the lines of] “you know, I’ve heard you should call them ‘people currently experiencing homelessness’ not ‘homeless people’ – because they’re still people.” And the kid kinda gives her a blank look so Carnie goes [something along the lines of] “hey – if I can influence you for the better, I’m gonna try!”  (She definitely didn’t say that but something similar and with much better wording…)

So I’m like, hey, this girl isn’t a ruthless capitalist – good to know [files that away].

(I mean, I’m not necessarily saying I agree with her – it’s a similar argument to when people say “you should say people with disabilities, not disabled people” – and I get what people are doing when they say that – they’re trying to be person-centric and sometimes, as a disabled person, I appreciate that - but sometimes I wonder if that kinda stuff actually helps at all)

However, it demonstrated she thinks about that kinda stuff and aims to be empathetic and that’s certainly not nuffin’.  

Then we got to talking and she told me she lives/works one state over (interestingly, it’s a blue state) and really likes it – but then my Mum needed some more help so I went back in the kitchen to help her out – and while I was there Carnie comes bouncing over (yes – she bounces – it’s adorable – she kinda reminded me of a particularly vivacious koala if that makes sense? (but attractive lmao) – anyway…)

– and her aunt is talking to my Mum and we’re all in the kitchen and Carnie comes in and goes up to her aunt and [smiling] goes –

“Am I not cool anymore???”  Cuz I guess she used to think her little cousin thought she was cool and hip (looked up to her) and now the kid’s giving her the cold shoulder a bit hahaha and she was laughing cuz she thought she was the cool older cousin and the aunt was like “that’s just cuz she’s 13 and that’s how they are” and I was like “I’ve never been cool to [my little sister] – welcome to the club!”  and Carnie laughed –

and then we talked about how we think my sis and her cuz are the “Queen Bees” of their middle school which I said I was amused by b/c back in grade school I was always the weirdo ubernerd and she said she was always the funny (she’s actually really funny and quick-witted) geeky friend to all the pretty girls and I almost said “but you’re pretty too!” but then I didn’t cuz it was right in front of her aunt and my Mum and again I was trying very hard NOT TO BE WEIRD hahahaha…

So, anyway, we talk on and off throughout the night (I was super careful to give her space and not be all up in her grill even though I realized I was beginning to kinda like her) – but more often than not she sought me out (probably because we were the only ones around our age group/generation there) but she seemed to genuinely appreciate my company and we made each other laugh – and tbh y’all - she was just really easy to talk to – like we GOT each other, you know?  Or maybe that was simply just my perception and my head is up my ass again (more than possible) – but I was getting a good VIBE you know?

Anyway…. so we’re talking in the kitchen again – and we start talking about books and OMG OMG OMG

I’m pretty sure she brought up the topic – and she mentions how she’s a huge fantasy fan (magic, dragons) and I guess my face did a thing or something

cuz her Aunt (who was passing us on her way to the fridge or something) goes “uh oh, watch out [Carnie,] [bundles] will start having a crush on you if you keep talking about dragons!” (which, OK, fair enough, but does EVERYONE know how fuckin NERDY I am hahaha?) so at this point I’m like

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT in my head and I’m like OMG BUNDLES DON’T BLUSH DON’T BLUSH DON’T YOU EFFIN BLUSH….but knowing me,

I probably did.

(Like I really don’t think I was being obvious – but who knows, maybe I was?  I honestly just think her Aunt was teasing me and literally didn’t mean anything by it) – in any case I was trying SO HARD to control my face at this point that I didn’t really get a good look at Carnie’s reaction – though I don’t think she blushed or anything, she mighta just smirked…

So we keep talking and Carnie says that even though fantasy is her fictional bread & butter she’s trying to do this system where she reads one fantasy book “for fun”, then a book for professional improvement, then a book for personal improvement, then goes through that same cycle all over again, which – first of all-

But secondly, it shows someone who’s attempting to grow and improve themselves and I 100% approve of that kind of attitude to life – because not everyone is like that, you know?

And then we exchange Goodreads info – hers is her full name [important for later] and mine is dbundles42 like everywhere else on the internet because synergy, man!

And without hesitation, Carnie goes “oh, 42, like from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy?”  And not many people get that reference, but she got it literally immediately and I was like

So, basically, she was impressing the shit outta me is what I’m tryna get across here lol…

The night deepens, and we continue talking – eventually everyone goes downstairs, sits around the gaming table – and starts playing games – and in a brief moment of Zen boldness I channel someone much more badass than I

And I go “[Carnie] – you’re on my team!” (cuz for one of the games we were playing a team-based trivia game) and she grinned, came over, and sat right next to me.  

(So I wanted to be on a team with her cuz A) it was a good excuse to get to know her better B) I thought we’d kick ass cuz we’re the same generation and might be able to communicate better than we would with people not of our generation C) she’s wicked smart D) I wanted to see how well we’d cooperate and E) I often feel like I tend to steamroll people if I’m on a team with them cuz my mind goes so fast and I’m yelling out the answers without consulting my team (my family are VERY competitive when it comes to games) and I wanted to challenge myself by not being that sort of jackass (you know, self-improvement ftw!) – and I wanted to listen to what she had to say anyway)

So we play this trivia game and I try VERY hard not to steamroll her but I must admit I sometimes did – but I did better than usual and we KICKED ASS and won.  It was amazing.  Our enemies’ lamentations were melodious to our conquering ears.   

Anyway, that’s not the point – this is the point – so halfway through the game I begin to realize Carnie’s and my legs are touching (under the table).  And had been touching for like at least ten minutes before I realized they were and I was like

(And I suddenly had this hilarious/horrific flashback to that one time in college ( @lmnp– you’ll know exactly who I’m talking about hahaha) when I was eating at a dunkin donuts with this cute girl I was friends with and her boyfriend and she suddenly started playing footsie with me under the table and I was like OMG I’m about to get my ass kicked lmao)

So now I’m like WTF? How is this happening right now????? (sometimes, I agree with @puddle--wonderful in that I very much feel like Artoo where he gets himself into these ridiculous situations again and again and again and all he can do is just SCREAM as they’re happening to him and just hope for the best, you know?)

So I’m like alright Bundles, calm down, she doesn’t mean anything by it, it’s probably just-

But what if she does mean something by it?

I mean, she’s been drinking a lil – but nothing close to getting sloshed – like she might be lightly buzzed but nothing more –

And then I start thinking like -  what if she just thinks I’m paralyzed from the waist down and can’t actually feel my legs or something – like she just wants to touch someone with no consequences (this is literally my thought process at this point – as nonsensical as that sounds) – so I’m like

OK, OK, OK – this is sort of amazing and all – but like I gotta do something to show her I can feel my legs and that I’m aware our legs are touching (again maybe I was reading something into absolutely nothing – I’m a touch-starved person so maybe it was literally not a thing on her mind – BUT WHAT IF IT WAS???)

So I’m like OK, I’m gonna just move my leg (again, when I’m sitting in my chair that isn’t the easiest thing to do – but I can do it) so she knows that I’m not paralyzed (why am I always trying to prove myself lmao?)

So I do – I move my leg. 

And then like two minutes later our legs are touching again.  Even more now, probably.  Again – maybe just a coincidence?  Maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion???  I’m probably blowing things out of proportion.  But then again –

OK – in a normal situation – if two relative strangers’ legs start touching, they very quickly move them, right?  Unless they’re interested in each other, right?

And so our legs are touching again and she just doesn’t even move hers.  So I’m like alright I guess I’m not gonna move mine then, am I? 

Like why did I move my leg in the first place?  Why am I trying to deprive myself of something nice?  And it was nice.  Her warmth. Her company.  Her vivaciousness.  Like shit, it felt so good. I felt warm.  And happy.  Why do I so often think I don’t deserve happiness?

I’ve been hurt before, I guess.  That’s why. I’ve been hurt – all the times – before. So I’m defensive and pessimistic and I find reasons why something might not be the way I want it to be even if all evidence points to it being that way – I mean -

We just left out legs like that.

For a good fifteen minutes.

It was nuts.

I mean, it was through two pairs of jeans but that is literally the longest I’ve been in such close contact with a woman.  Ever. I guess that sounds incredibly pathetic. I’m 28.  

And maybe that’s just a thing she does with her buddies and it’s literally not a big deal at all to her – she did say she was super good at making friends really quickly so maybe it was a friend “I’m gonna rub your leg against mine for 15 minutes straight” but now that I’ve typed that shit out IT DOESN’T ADD UP.

IT JUST DOESN’T ADD UP!

I think she was flirting with me?

Holy shit I think she was flirting with me.

She was flirting with me!

Anyway – lemme wrap this up cuz I’ve been going on for thousands of words right now and I’m sure you’re all tired of my nonsense lmao…

Turns out she’s sort of a Packer fan too – she said “I’m not really into sports but if I was the Packers would be my team” (and she said that b4 I told her how much of a cheesehead I am so she wasn’t saying that just for my benefit) so maybe she didn’t even think I was a frikken Neanderthal the first time we met?  And I’ve been feeling like an idiot for three years for NO FRIKKEN REASON???????????? ARGHHHH!

She also said I was funny, which was nice :D

Also – during the last game we played – (it was one of these “you gotta use a one-word clue in order for your teammates to connect that clue to other random words on the board” games – and I was the person coming up with the clue (Codenames is the name of the game for those curious)) -  

For one of the turns, I chose to give the clue ‘Penzance’ in order to get my teammates to guess ‘Opera’ and ‘Eye’.  (I was thinking ‘Pirates of Penzance’ (which is a Gilbert & Sullivan opera) – admittedly ‘eye’ (cuz eyepatch) was a bit of a stretch but I really don’t think ‘Opera’ was cuz my Dad was one of my teammates and he’s ye olde and English so I thought he’d get it in a heartbeat…

So for this game my Dad and a couple other guys were on my team while my Mum and Carnie were on the girls’ team and at that point I was on the opposite end of the table – while my Dad faced me (sitting down) – and my Mum & Carnie were standing behind him looking at the word cards on the table –

And it takes my Dad FOREVER to figure out the connection between my clue and those cards – meanwhile my Mum knew it immediately (of course) – but what surprised me is that Carnie got it immediately too (like holy shit, for serious this girl is on another level!) – but they’re on the opposing team so of course they’re not gonna say anything

But they’re both cracking up behind him and my other teammates as they take like 10 minutes cuz they have no idea what words connect with ‘Penzance’ and our other teammates go “Where’s Penzance?”  So my Dad goes into this long diatribe about Cornwall and the seaside and how there are railroads???? for some reason and I can’t say anything either like HE’S SO FAR OFF MY CLUE AT THIS POINT

So my expression must be completely frustrated at this point and my Mum and Carnie are dying with laughter like Carnie is literally jumping up and down a bit with the energy of holding in the answer (which totally reminded me of something Ja’lin might do, @marisolinspades – honestly, she reminded me of her quite a bit – just totally gregarious and, well, bouncy)

I dunno, it was just a really funny moment…

Anyway – all good things, etc… - the night was finally coming to a close (at like 12:30 AM lol) – but before they left we were all talking in the foyer, etc… - and Carnie is talking to people and leans her body on the handlebar on the back of my chair (she was super tired by that point, she said) –

I’m 90% she didn’t realize that I kinda see my chair as an extension of myself and my own body (dunno if you feel that way about your chairs, @puddle--wonderful @justrollinon?) – so I’m pretty sure she didn’t know how intimate that can come across – either way, it was really nice – like she felt safe enough around me to do that?

Usually when people lean on my chair I’m like GTFO but when they’re sweet, beautiful women I get more lenient about that hahahaha

So perhaps not as telling as the whole legs situation, but still.  It was nice.

So, yeah, that was my Thanksgiving…

Ughh and now I’m all like crap I met this girl who’s really cool and easy to talk to and a total nerd but she doesn’t even live in this godsforsaken state and UGHHH why must the divinities taunt me so?????????

So we did add each other on goodreads but now I’m like maybe I should add her on facebook too to try and keep in touch with her?  Or is that too creepy?  Have I already left it too long???

Should I maybe move on completely – I mean my family is already good friends with this family I don’t wanna do something potentially weird – should I just leave it be? – should i just

I just don’t really want to.  Even if it doesn’t work out romantically or whatevs I’m not one to leave a potential good friendship in the dust – and it’s really not everyday I meet someone who can keep up with me as effortlessly as Carnie did.  People like her don’t come around very often.

I dunno – what do you kids think I should do?  TELL ME - I’M LOSING IT (as usual).  

Maybe I just read the situation completely wrong and I’m totally up my own ass trying to see things that aren’t there…I just….

I didn’t get that impression this time?  Like it was just…..I didn’t have to work so hard to get her to like me, you know?  It was effortless - like we’d been really good friends for years -  And that was…

nice. 

______

I’m leaning towards adding her on facebook - but what do you kids think?  I’m also gonna tag -

@aspiringwarriorlibrarian, @pepperonicombos

@crazy--little--things – tagging you as well.  You’ve always given me good advice, ever since we were in high school.

And anyone else who wants to give advice, you are welcome to too - though I doubt anyone else has read this far lmao...

gods I’m long-winded...

[wackygoofball]

Hiya! You're such a positive person in the JB fandom and I'm kinda disillusioned right now after this week's episode... I think I was caught up in Nik and Gwen's interviews and the hype and started to believe JB is happening this season but maybe not? I haven't kept up with the leaks but I'm starting to think that Nik and Gwen knew the JB fandom was bound to be disappointed and were trying to give us something to smile about... :/ how are you feeling about the whole thing??

Hi there, anon!

To start out with your last question first – I thinkyou are implying two things with your question, right? On the one hand, what Ithink of the Gwen/Nik interviews in connection to the episode and an overallassessment of L’Episode du Blegh. Ihope I got that correctly.

So, to turn to the first part of the question that Inow interpret to be a part of it… I tend to read too much into things, so youhave to excuse me in that regard, LOL. Anyway, do I think that Gwen and Nikhave been riding the JB Hype Train only just to please us JB shippers?

Nope.

Why?

For a number of reasons.

First of all, as much influential as the JB Media™ maybe (we control the internet, guys!), we do not wield that much power that our mostprecious, dorky Dane, who is still finding out how social media work, and ourmagical unicorn of wonder will mean to appeal to *us* in that way. So, theassumption that they were trying to brace us for Le Blegh presumes that they’d feel a personal need to keep us JBshippers tuned, prepare us for the inevitable Le Blegh. And I don’t think that is the case.

Hand in hand goes that Gwen’s also been going on aboutthat Wildling Fellow with the Beard™ in connection to Brienne (now, whether that was herpersonal choice or something communicated to her by HBO/managers/producers/whatnot is up to debate and not the topic just now). She wouldn’t have done that ifher agenda was to somehow reassure JB shippers – or to prep them up for yetanother scene. She would have chosen another language during that point of timeto reflect on that matter, which she did not. So that, to me, already worksagainst the hypothesis that she’d have interest or feel a need to brace JBshippers for something inevitable such as a short-lived, comical relief TBscene or Le Blegh.

Another reason – Nik is an epic, good-looking(epically good-looking) troll when it comes to spoilers. He is really good atsaying a lot while saying nothing at all, so not to reveal anything spoilery. That is his kind of style, but it’s notreally his style (as far as I have seen in the retrospective of his interviewson previous seasons) that he’d push one thing as a reassurance for fans to staytuned.

Nik’s usual turn is to talk about Jaime at the pointof time where we left off the past season before the new season airs. Which isa smart thing, because it makes him less vulnerable to reveal big spoilers – heonly ever speaks of Jaime based on what is *common knowledge* and iscanonically true.

So, I just don’t believe our two precious celebs woulddo that. On the contrary, I believe that they have been as JB-friendly as theywere because a) both enjoy playing that relationship, b) Nik ships it, let’s bereal…, c) Nik is happy to talk about anythingbut his character’s incestuous relationship with his twin sister for theumpteenth time – and who can blame the man, really??? and d) judging by anotherinterview Gwen gave (when yet again asked about the Wildling Fellow who ShallNot Be Named and responded in a way that came across to me as her being ratherannoyed on her character’s behalf that it should be about Brienne’s feelingsand not that of said character not tobe named), I also think that she is rather happy to talk about her character’s*deep* relationship with another character instead of that throw-away scenethat got way more hype than likely anyone ever anticipated.

The point thus is that I just don’t feel like Gwen andNik would do that. Nik loves trolling, but that is not trolling, really. It’sjust not their style, as far as I can judge.

But anyway, the big point I didn’t yet speak of isthat there comes another assumption with this assessment – that JB shipperswill be disappointed this season, which they meant to brace us against byflooding us with some JB goodness in the interviews.

And I don’t think they will be in the longrun of theseason.

I think we are going to get JB candy, even if we hadto swallow some Blegh.

A lot of Blegh.

That is what makes most sense to me *at this point* -though, mind you, that is just my personal observation, I am no psychologist,behaviorist, or what not, I am not inside Gwendoline Christie’s or NikolajCoster-Waldau’s heads. I am just basing this on my reading of their pastinterviews in connection to the seasons that aired following their ipromos.

Anyway, moving on to the second part of the question.

… But, another thing I just want to addressbeforehand:

I guess it may have been obvious to some of myfollowers (btw: thank you for staying around, you guys. I don’t know how youput up with my random posting!), but I have been *very* absent ever since L’Episode du Blegh aired. I have beenstaying off of most social media, safe for some random posting in-between, andotherwise have stayed in the safe haven called JBO, precisely because I am a positive JB-shipper, asyou say, and I didn’t want to (and still don’t want to) engage in thenegativity I knew I was going to be met with ever since L’Episode du Blegh flicked across the screens.

By that I want to make clear that I get it, that Iunderstand the reasons, that people have valid points and criticism they wantto voice, but that I just do not wish to engage with that sort of discourse. Ihave no interest in ranting about the show either. Just like I have noparticular interest in trying to convince people of the contrary (for neitherdo I find it my duty or within my powers).

Everyone his or her own, and my own is the positivityand the hype.

Where was I? Right, L’Episode du Blegh and the Hype and how to sensibly connectthat.  

So, stating the obvious: I rather would have donewithout it. I am still not yet sure just why they keep bothering both theactors and the viewers with something that long since lost its OMG moment thatis rather naturally associated with incest scenes. It’s not shocking anymore,really, so… it’s basically just yet another eye roll moment every damn time.

And that is also the first take-away for me – it wasnot shocking for me. Ever since it was clear that they’d keep Jaime in Cersei’sclutches for a good part of the next season (for whatever greater purpose theywant to see achieved), I was prepared for that to happen. So… I was notshocked, I was prepared, and thus not nearly as freaked out as I presumablywould have been if I had just walked into that situation *unprepared*.

How was I prepared, then?

Because let’s be real, sex was and is the basis oftheir relationship since ever. It’s the one thing that connects them, becauseeverything else… they are just wanting to believe to be a unity, but thefictional reality portrays it as it is – there is no connecting material beyondthe factors of their familial ties, the sex, and the illusions they built up tomake it more than it ever was (aka delusion).

I mean, what struck me ever since the new season airedare those little yet powerful clues. Rewatch the throne room scenes, and lookat how they keep Jaime out of almost every frame when you see Cersei on thethrone, where you should see her whole *gang* (Qyburn + Frankengregor) – butlook who’s so far off to the right that you don’t even see him in the fuckin’frames! Right, the Kingslayer who’s supposed to be *on her side*! Instead, weget reaction shots of his that are Fifty Shades of WTF.

(Sorry, didn’t find a fitting gif from the throne room, but this is one of the wtf faces he has for Cersei right now and I love it!)

Then, as this episode showed just as strongly: Thetwins’ ways of dealing with enemies. We’ve seen it at Riverrun/King’s Landingalready past season (Jaime ending the siege without bloodshed, Cersei… SEPTKABLOOM).

However, this made it ever the clearer, ever the more visible – Jaime*refused* Cersei’s demand/order to give Olenna a violent death (like, the wordinghe used makes clear *to me* that it’s not just a secret choice he’s made, butsomething he actively told her he would not do), gave her a painless poison anddidn’t *reconsider* even when Olenna tossed the truth bombs at him aboutJoffrey’s death (like, he could have stabbed her, then, too, to express hisanger, let it out – which is what Cersei probably would have done, let’s bereal… if chick knew how to use a sword…) in contrast to Cersei’s way of dealingwith Ellaria. I don’t mean to imply that Ellaria didn’t deserve to die – inthis universe, the one punishment was death. But Cersei makes her sufferthrough however long the torment is going to last. She doesn’t just do thiseye-for-an-eye politic or quickly disposes of *threats*, she lives out her sadism on a woman she *justifiably*feels hatred towards, but in ways that go way beyond any measure of being aproper payback. So, the narrative purpose of that was surely to highlight their difference rather than their similarities in that regard. Which is an easy but effective way to signify dissonance.

… *side note: It is forever funny that Cersei talksabout (bad) choices Ellaria made, when Cersei’s choices inevitably led to that huge parts of that mess, it’s just that she won’t recognize her own role in this beyond e.g. whatshe said to Olenna. Cersei doesn’t get how she *indirectly* always has herhands in her children’s deaths through the choices she makes, which I take tobe one of the big upshots of her prophecy – even when she tries to protect herkids, she leads to their downfall, to their ending up with golden shrouds thanks to bad decisions.

Anyway, where was I?

The point of my previous rambling is this: Yes, therewas Le Blegh, but there was a shitton of other things in that episode that should get those people hopeful whowish for Jaime to finally step away from his sister, and embrace the man he canstill become (and FINALLY shake it up with Brienne).  

If you are looking for a shit ton of great analyses,please go to the JBO thread about the episode. There are great points thereraised that shed many different lights on the matter. You should check it out!

As to the scene itself, even that showed to me somebig points that speak for what Nik and Gwen have been promoting with JB,basically.

For instance, the very fact that Jaime now tried thefamily’s coping mechanisms (alcohol) prior to Le Blegh. Quite excessively for his stanards, I may add.

Or the fact that his first impetus is to put the golden handback on, because he *knows* that *normally* Cersei wants him to wear it (veryconsistent with what Nik said in previous interviews on the matter, by the way,just like Clapton when asked about Jaime’s costume piece, the golden hand).Sure, I rather would have had her put it on because it would have transmitted*more clearly* that she is not really fond of that *blemish* of his and ratherwants to see it covered up in something golden to conceal that.

But I am not writing the scripts, so who am I to say?

Yet, that does not negate that the subversion will notbe as powerful once JB shake it up. I still hold on firmly to the (up untilproven right or wrong – I hope to be proven right of course!) headcanon thatBrienne will particularly touch the stump in a loving way. I also hold on tothe headcanon that if we get a morning after scene between the two, she willhave grasped his stump. That would make for a perfect subversion of preciselythat scene.

Anyway, moving back from the fanfic mode…

Another point worth raising is that I tend to readthat scene in a certain way (as expressed in that most wonderful thread Imentioned), which is that Jaime *tries to desperately hold on to thisrelationship*. He tries to hold on to the sex. Because that is the only thinghe has left, basically.

Let’s be real.

This episode proved that he deliberately gave up onthe Rock, which he cared about more than he ever let on until now (see his lineto Olenna about this place being important to him personally wrt childhoodmemories etc.). He gave up on it for strategic purposes.

He is a high lord who is to give up on his castle tosee a certain purpose achieved.

Remember Jaime as he rode to Riverrun and talked toBronn about how he could be his Hand now? That man was rather enthusiastic fora moment or two, dared to be, now that he realized himself as Lord of Casterly Rock, and liked it.Contrast that to the man who conversed with Olenna. Jaime is a lord withoutcastle. He is nto even a bodyguard via Kingsguard anymore. He is a guy who admits to a dying woman (he has no real reason to lieto at this point of time) that it has indeed gone out of his control, that whatCersei does is beyond his control, basically.

And this man thus has… basically nothing that he cansee within his possibilities other than what he has made great sacrifices forin order to keep – that relationship.

I know, sucks,but… man, divorces are often LOOOOOONG processes: You deny, you hold on eventhough you probably should let go, you want it to work, you want it tocontinue, especially if you invested *so very much* into that relationship.It’s nothing you just walk away from, particularly if you have… nowhere else togo.

I mean, sure, that is not what is directly transmittedin that scene – I really think Jaime just wants to believe, wants to numb thatpain, so he does what he always does, he bottles up, focuses on what he has(which is twincesty blegh), and tries to make himself believe that this is allhe needs or is the best he’s ever going to get.

However, if we see this in the larger context of theepisode, I tend to read it in that way that Jaime really has nowhere to go. TheRock – gone. The rest of the realm – not really on good terms with theKingslayer. Like, what other option does Jaime see for himself? What sense ofpotential other options does he have available to him?

He has none *at this point of time* (but that willchange eventually!!!). To him, there is just one sense, and that is that thisis *it*, that this is the best he can get, will ever get, he’s conditionedhimself and let himself be conditioned to regard this as the one thing in hislife that matters, the one thing to hold on to.

So… from Jaime’s POV, holding on to that, holding onto Cersei *even though* he does not approve of most/all of her choices(question remains just what version Jaime believes in wrt Sept Kabloom – I havenot yet figured if he knows the whole truth or only knows of the version Cersei’sbeen telling to Mycroft of the Iron Bank or something entirely else…), makessense (even though we are annoyed by it). It makes sense that he is in denial.Jaime is big in denial. He is big in bottling up, putting away.

At the same time, the (despite all of its grossness)wonderful set-up of that morning after scene is Cersei’s ego-tripping all theway through. We started out with her murdergasming over Sand Snatch No. 1.which she had to put to use by shaking it up with her brother. And the next morning,sure, to Jaime, it must feel really good to believe that she is now standing upto their relationship (which he’s asked of her in previous seasons and in thebooks), but I think to Cersei… it was *way more* and *quite another* matter.For Cersei, this was total ego-trip. She feels powerful now an that makes herfeel REALLY good (yup, reference to her going about Unella and how sex with herbrother feels good and all those things… she is enjoying herself in hermurdergasmy, egomaniac ways). And she likes it. Loves it, even.

In a way, she is doing things in a subverted way theway her dear first husband (fat may rest his soul) who’s had the whores in hischamber by the dozen and not even making an attempt of hiding it from thegeneral populace or anyone around the palace. Cersei, as queen (as she remindsJaime… with that smile… she is so high on power… it’s like shrooms for Cerseigiving her many egogasms), beds whoever she pleases, just like Robert beddedwhoever he pleased, no matter what was conventional/ruled differently byconventions and laws.

However, the implication is *not* necessarily that sheactually wants to be out in the open with Jaime, to my understanding, theimplication for her is that she just gets to do what Robert did, that she getsto do what she was judged for so long she was the Queen to a King instead ofQueen in her own right (via Sept Kabloom). Neatly, that leaves Jaime under thebelief that she is totally invested and is now out in the open about theirrelationship, when really, I don’t find it unlikely that she’ll give it awaywith her making murdergasmy eyes at Euron/Hot Danish Pacey.

If he wants her to make good on the promise and movetowards marriage even before the war’s ended, I wouldn’t put it past Cersei tobe willing to do that. I don’t want to go into spec mode here, but the point ismore on a hypothetical level – I don’t put it past Cersei at this stage to bewilling to marry Euron, and tell Jaime in the same breath that they can stillcontinue to have sex because she is Queen and as such, she can do however shepleases, and that she’s gonna get rid of Euron eventually, and that Jaime, forthen, will have to live with things the way they were under Robert. Pointbeing, my reading of that scene was not Cersei’s displaying that she is nowwilling to be open about the incest, to marry him the way the Targs did, butshe leaves him under the belief that the option is now available, and leavesherself under the belief that Jaime isn’t going to get any better than that andthat he wouldn’t ever want to get anything else but that kind of jam.

And I think therein lies a big crux – Jaime can getsomething else for himself. And I think it will materialize itself in the shapeof a tall woman walking around in a custom-made armor and with a wedding swordaround the waist.

ENTER Brienne of Tarth.

Like, all the Blegh aside, this is potentially *great*set-up for JB. Think about it!

Jaime, right now, has no sense of future orpossibility beyond what lies between him and Cersei. Whenever he sees Brienne,whenever he waves her goodbye, he is under the belief that it’s going to be thelast time they see one another, that he can’t have her, that she wouldn’t wanthim, that there is no way for him despite his attraction that he cannot voiceother than cryptic messages such as “It’s yours. It will always be yours.”

Jaime doesn’t let that thought happen, and thus, hissense of opportunity and personal fulfillment remains tied to whatever Cerseidoes and whatever it is that they currently make of their relationship.

If things turn out the way some people (myselfincluded) believe it to go, next episode will feature Jaime doing aself-sacrificial move that may get him killed, but he does it anyway. And thatwould neatly tie in with the assessment that he sees no future for himself,that he is *really* earnestly depressed, seeing how everything has spiraledbeyond his control.

Just like it would be such a wonderful, wonderfulset-up for, yup, guessed it:

JB.

Brienne, particularly on the show, has been a primarymarker for Jaime to push his character. Through being around her, he makescritical decisions that tie in with questions of honor and who he wants to be.She is a good catalyst for that, the message clearly being that she brings outthe best in him, and being the one to inspire *hope* in him.

And if that is what Brienne is to do, then that is the*perfect* contrast. If Jaime finds a reason to live and dedicate his life to*through her* - well, what a clear message that would be as opposed to himsuccumbing to the existence he’s been portrayed to have alongside Cersei, onlyever caught up in false beliefs and illusions about himself to somehow justifyhis staying with her despite him being well aware that she is a terribleperson.

To me, this episode only ever cemented my assessmentthat Brienne will come to stand for hope and life for Jaime, will inspire thatin him, whereas Cersei seems to inspire contrary ideas in him, that her actionsput him on the opposite scale of hope and future, only ever allowing for Jaimeto perceive his future at the length of what Cersei permits or what Jaimepermits himself in connection to Cersei. Like, this episode can very well cometo serve as a wonderful set-up for future JB content.

Jaime is hitting rock-bottom right now. And that issooooo begging for Brienne of Tarth to stride in and set the record straight.

And the fact that he spirals down *right now* is sucha wonderful set-up, really, because that will put JB much closer to endgame(aka they grow safer and safer and more likely to be one of the relationshipsto last through the Long Night).

So, sure, I rather would have done without it. Irather would have had it narrated in a slightly different way *based on what Iknow up to this point* - but again, I don’t know (and no one else here knows!) towhere the writers are headed with Jaime on the show. I am perfectly convinced that there isa way to make his arc come full circle in a satisfactory way. However, that issomething that will only reveal itself once the last season has aired.

At thispoint, I tend to focus on what the episode gave us beside the Blegh. And therewas a lot. Not just Jaime looking hot as fuck, riding on that white horse.

Damn.

I thinkthere were many indication that are ripe for subversion. I think that there isa sense of distance between them despite the fact that they were united in theblegh. I think there is a sense of Jaime’s being depressed, which signals to methat he is not happy, even when he tries to make himself believe that he is. Ithink that a lot of that is rooted in his apparently low self-esteem that seemsrather queer on a man who’s also arrogant: He doesn’t have a sense of future orthat he can get better *for himself* in a relationship with someone who is… nothis twin sister… and much closer to his goals, codices, world views, etc.,because he doesn’t think other options are available to him.

And I think that this is the mindset he is put in *asstrongly as possible* this season to make for an epic turn-around for when hemeets up with Brienne. Because if he is to realize that he has a shot with her…he has an option available to him.

He will get to choose who he loves.

And I think that this choice will be made by the endof the season, putting us JB shippers to the happiness that Nik and Gwen madeus enthusiastic about in the promos.

So… I get it that people are down. I get it that youare down, but I hope that this mad rambling shed some light on the situationthat may allow for another way of reflecting on it – in a more hopeful manner.Because there is reason to hope, I am most certain of that.

I hope that answered your question… in a very longpost. Very long. VERY long.

So yeah, stay tuned and CONTINUE TO FEEL THE HYPE!!!

[trinkets-and-spirits]

26 & 27 for the lgbt+/pride asks!

26: What identity advice would you give your younger self?

Oh, this is a great question; considering identity was a huge struggle for me. :’)) Advice is a difficult subject for me, bc I don’t consider myself to be very wise. Ik a lot of stuff on certain topics; but I struggle to give concrete advice for others, and a lot of the time—I’m just straight up bullshitting my way through life; trying to comfort my friends, trying to comfort myself, trying to word things nicely & all.

But identity? FUCK ME ; do I know a lot & have a lot of advice on identity, lmao.

Cheesy as it’ll sound to other folks, my best advice would be to ignore what the people around you are telling you about identity, and I’m not just referencing the homophobic assholes who are just looking for any reason to claim the LGBTQ+ community are aggressive; violent monsters. I’m mostly referencing the young; controlling; bitchy straight girls—who were homophobic as fuck; until they found out about yaoi anime, and suddenly they were gay; trans; genderfluid; and everyone else was the same way. Cishet people didn’t exist, and anyone who claimed to be happily cishet (myself; at the time) was just lying to themselves. :))

At a very young age (10 ; 11) — I was pressured into thinking that I was trans, because these previously cishet girls were claiming it was cool; that they wanted to be men, but not for the purpose that transgender folks are actually trans. :’)) Nope! Instead of wanting to transition; or pass, bc that’s who they had always been, they looked at it as a couple of surgeries that would allow them to jack off. Have gay sex. Be the ‘uke’ (or sub; in BDSM-terms) to someone’s ‘seme’ (or dom; in BDSM-terms). And I was pressured to think the same way, despite still feeling cishet at the time; and not really understanding what transgender was.

I was also pressured to think I was lesbian/gay, whatever the terms we were using back then. Bisexual? Pansexual? Incorrect. How dare you be attracted to anyone, besides the gender I tell you to be attracted to. It was…a fuckin’ toxic situation. I only started learning about LGBTQ+ around the time I came out, and I…learnt quickly that I wasn’t trans; I had never been trans. I didn’t connect to either gender in an identity sense, but sexually & romantically? Yes. I loved & adored men and women, and I feel like I would have realised this sooner, had it not been for these girls—who were convinced that trans men were the only valid part of the transgender community; who were convinced trans men were only trans, bc they wanted to get fucked by men, jack off, and use he/him pronouns for the fun of it. Trans women were invalid in their eyes. Who would want to be a woman? :’)) It’s disgusting to think they quickly ditched the LGBTQ+ community, when they ‘grew out of yaoi’ — and now treat us like we’re a bunch of idiots, lol.

BUT ANYWAY!!

My two pieces of advice would be:

1) Never allow anyone, especially bigots, to tell you what your identity is. You want to be cishet? You do you, sweetie. You wanna be trans? Fuck yes, I’ll support you to the ends of time; as long as you’re comfortable with yourself. You wanna be genderqueer? HELL YEAH, BUD. I’d have told myself, time and time again, that I’m allowed to identify as who I am — and not as whatever a couple of cishet bitches demanded that I identify as; or I’m being ‘homophobic’ and ‘transphobic’ for not conforming. It’s not a sin to not identify as something, and you should never fucking force that shit. If you’re cis; you’re cis. If you’re trans; you’re trans. If you’re somewhere else; bless u.

2) You’re allowed to explore your identity, because it’s your goddamn identity. As long as you’re not hurting anyone w/ your exploration; then who the hell has the right to tell you that you’re betraying a community that you no longer identify with, but still cherish and respect?? No one finds their identity right away, fam. It’s totally chill for you to feel cis one day & genderqueer the next; as long as you’re not being an asshole about it. Life’s short, baby, feel free to explore; as long as you’re not appropriating or discriminating others.

27: What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I’m…gonna assume that this is referencing the whole boomer argument of there needing to be a man & a woman in a relationship; that gay relationships will always consist of one masc. & one femme person, and…all of that bullshit. On top of the nonsense that I’ve seen relating to trans people in relationships. :’))

If not, then I naturally apologise to everyone out there; but baby—I’m literally the worst person to ask about gender roles. I’m genderqueer, so gender roles? We don’t know her. Personally, I think they’re total bullshit & aren’t a necessity for anyone out there, as long as you’re in a comfortable; consensual relationship, and are happy w/ the person (or p e r s o n s; to my beloved poly community) you’re seeing—I don’t really see the need for gender roles to come into things.

I’d never judge someone for thinking they’re important or relevant to things, tho, as long as they weren’t being transphobic or aphobic. But generally speaking?? Yeah no, miss me w/ that gender role shite. We’re here to love, not debate about anything besides light-hearted; wholesome things. Gender roles…aren’t for me, tbh, I just don’t really see the point any more. I just wanna love others, y’know?? Who cares about roles?? Unless they’re bedroom roles, rip me. But yeah no. xP 

Yikes, sorry for the long ass post. I didn’t mean for this to happen, lmao.

[beahina]

I Am So Sorry I swear I will stop myself and these asks this is the last one (I can't write that well but have Many Ideas) but Lance who kind of loses his sanity after being captured/tortured and/or Dark!Lance

i AM SO FUCKIN SORRY I TOOK FOREVER FORGIVE ME

ugh anyway here’s the prompt and its ally bad bc i used it to write to get over my block sO SORRY YOU CAN REQUEST MORE IF U WANT 

tw gaslighting tw abuse general tw bewarb

daym 980 words, almost 1,000 lol

It took a long time for the blue paladin to crack. It was a simple trip to the space mall, a wormhole jump went wrong, straight into the view of a full Galra fleet. Of course, it shouldn’t have been a problem, as the paladins of Voltron have fought fleets as big as the one they had encountered, with the help of Voltron. Unfortunately, Shiro was still missing, and the team dynamic as Keith in Black, Lance in Red, and Allura in Blue, was unable to form Voltron yet.

Lance remembered what happened that day, Hunk was pummeled by a huge crowd of ships, retreating back into the castle on Keith’s orders, while Pidge held the fleet back long enough for Hunk to fly into the Altean ship. Pidge then followed Hunk as her lion was also badly damaged. Coran readied the castle to open another wormhole, Allura clearing a path for Keith, Lance, and herself to the castle with Blue ice beam. With the new black and red paladin bickering about the chances if Shiro may be in the big ship, which the fleet was heavily defending.

“Keith, we can’t go and try to find Shiro right now, Hunk and Pidge are in bad condition, and Allura is already in, the wormhole is opening.” Lance scowled, waiting to ensure Keith flew the Black lion into the castle. “It would be suicide to go in with just the two of us?”

“Are you underestimating me? Do you not want to find Shiro? Is he even your friend?” Keith yelled angrily, fighting off the ships that surrounded the two. In the background, Allura was yelling for them to get inside the ship before it took off.

“Keith, this isn’t about your skill right now, it’s life and death for us!”

“And for Shiro, if you forgot about hi-” Everyone was screaming in their headsets, and the Black lion was kicked back, where the door to the castle was closing.

“Lance!” The two lions were being drawn in by different ships, Keith safely in the castle, Lance being pulled into the huge Galra ship. That was the last thing he heard before the red lion was lit up yellow, and Lance saw black, his face burning from the quintessence dripping through the cracks of his helmet.

Lance didn’t wake up for a few days, and when he did the torture immediately began.

Lotor came in, looking at the scarred boy, who scowled. “Oh, you’re finally awake.”

“How long was I out?” The boy kept his guard up, taking in Lotor’s appearance. Perhaps he wasn’t full Galra, as he had pupils and a more humanoid feature.

“Oh, a few years. It’s incredible really, how the quintessence might have altered your healing.” Lance frowned. That couldn’t be right? He looked around the room. It didn’t really look like any of the Galra halls or rooms he had been in before. There was a regular bed, and a window…? Lance walked over and stuck his head out. It was his old home, his old bedroom. He hadn’t recognized it right away as he’d been away for so long (years, apparently).

“How did you get to Earth?” There was no one outside on the beach outside his house, but everything seemed, well, regular. There was no destruction, anywhere in sight.

“The Galra won the war. The paladins of Voltron are all dead, except you. We took over earth, but kept its nature and buildings, but humans are eliminated.” I must be dreaming, Lance thought. Yes, that’s all it was. A dream. A nightmare, really.

The next year, went with Lotor letting him fly around the world and enjoy the commodities, free of people, with his company as a supposed friend. It was confusing. He was captured, doused in pure quintessence, and his friends and family were all killed. Lotor acted like this was fine, and Lance was beginning to think so. Every time Lance asked specifics about the war’s end, or how they got to Earth, he would start yelling at Lance, telling him he was just talking about things he didn’t know, how he wasn’t respecting Lotor’s boundaries. Lance began to avoid the topic in fear Lotor would go in meltdown mode to the boy. Life was going by slowly, and it didn’t seem real. Eating, felt weird, touches felt weird, except the hard slaps or cuts from Lotor during his meltdowns.

Lance soon figured out why everything felt fake. Because it was. He’d been gaslighted, and isolated. He awoke another year later, inside a room, hooked up to a life support to feed him and give him vitamins while in the simulation. It was something like the room Allura used to use to see Altea and her father. Everything was a lie, and he found out the war never ended, Earth was never taken over, his friends and family were hopefully alive.

“How COULD YOU?” Lance screamed, hands shaking with anger, his nails digging into his palm.

“You tricked me into thinking we were friends somehow, what do you want out of this?” The Galra had gotten the red lion, so why did they need Lance? Why’d they have Lotor abuse and gaslight him to the point he still didn't know if this was a dream, simulation, or reality? Why was he constantly told lies, broken over and over by Lotor? And the snake replied,

“Because I was bored.” Then, Lotor was dead, Lance standing over him with the IV stand, in his hands, the metal sleek with red. Lance was never the same, when he came back. He’d swear Lotor would follow him around, he couldn't use mirrors afraid to see his ghost through it, or see needles from true memory of waking up with the IVs everywhere, and when he eventually came home, he couldn't bear to go anywhere near his house.

[auggiedelrey]

Going to a Gay Bar…But I’m Straight, Right?

It’s Saturday afternoon and I found myself deep in thought. I have been seeing so much success in my life and have been breaking new ground by exploring areas I never had (spiritually & mentally). But for the past 2 days, my humanity was peaking and wave after wave of negative thoughts were crashing against my shore. Working non stop all day on music (networking, emails, social media, design, apparel, songwriting, etc.) and in the same place, I was beginning to get cabin fever! I needed a break and I needed it fast!

Let me set up this scene because I find it necessary to do so in order for you to understand why I was in the state that I was. I had allowed all of these emotions to come in because I lowered the gate down of my heart. But why?! I was doing something that I use to do all the time, which was feeling sorry for myself and allowing sadness to overcome me because of the lack of support of the majority of my family. That is a topic of discussion that I will later address, since I need more than a paragraph to explain. This constant beating I was allowing internally was what prompted me to want to go out. 

My new hair stylist and amazing friend had invited me to a club in West Hollywood and I was all in. The club is actually very popular and known throughout the country…The Abbey. For those who don’t know, this is a gay club…so why the fuck was I going if I was not gay? I know what you’re thinking so let me back up…

I grew up in Texas in a very religious and strict home. Homosexuality or even sexuality itself was frowned upon and was a major sin! It was your first class ticket to hell. Despite this upbringing, I never allowed that hate to plant itself in my heart. It didn’t mean I was completely comfortable with the topic nor did I understand it at all! I also don’t know that I would have been open to this sort of thing when I first moved to Los Angeles 2 and a half years ago either. How closed minded was I?

Fast forward to present day and many things in my life have changed. Including me dropping the “Christian” title off of my life and being completely open to the universe. The fact that I am sitting here openly writing about this proves that I truly don’t give a fuck what people say or think about me! This is my beautiful life and I had the opportunity to experience an amazing night!

Was I nervous? Was I scared? Was I embarrassed? Fuck no! I was ready to have a good time and jump right in! I invited a good friend of mine to tag along for the experience since I knew he was open minded about going to have a good time and since I didn’t know what was going to happen that night. 

I showered, dressed up,  and my friend and I headed out to West Hollywood approximately at 10:45 p.m. We arrived to a scene that was extremely vibrant and the energy was insane! I wasn’t seeing gay, straight, or any type of classification. It was people celebrating life.

I called my hair stylist because a table had been reserved, which by the way is a big deal in Hollywood. Otherwise, your ass is going to wait in line for who knows how long! She told me to come in and once we found the girl in charge of VIP, we gave her the information and we were passed straight in.

The bass was literally shaking the floors, the walls, and your fuckin’ soul! It was extremely packed and amazing bodies (both men and women) who work there were everywhere (Damn, I need to go diet just thinking of it). Here’s the thing you may not know about me. I’ve always craved exploring the arts, fashion, sculpting a perfect body, and pushing my boundaries. Since moving to LA, I have found the tools necessary for me to do that!

Ok, let’s go back to the club. There were several dancers all over doing some crazy dance moves who were intoxicated by the music! Jesus fuckin’ Christ, let me have the drugs they’re having! We are escorted by the VIP hostess to the table where I saw nothing but strangers, except my hair stylist. She greeted me with a warm smile and a huge hug and told me that her and her boyfriend had to step out to smoke. Shit, I got there and she leaves me alone with complete strangers. I hadn’t even caught a buzz yet to deal with this!

Not even 5 minutes there and one of the girls there was waiving 100 dollar bills in the air and looking at me. “Darling, I don’t work here” is what was going through my mind. I can’t make out what she was saying because of the loud music so I lean in as she screams in my ear, “you and your friend have to pay $100 each to be here”. Sounds crazy, right? But it really isn’t and this is why. People party hard around here and it’s normal to drop hundreds and thousands in a single night. 

Lady, I am working on getting those millions to drop that measly hundred you asked for!

Today (Sunday) I reexamined that moment and figured out exactly why I attracted that moment.  I immediately corrected it within my mind, thoughts, and vision. Again, this is a topic for another discussion, but it’s very important for you to know that NOTHING happens to you by accident…NOTHING!

After going back and forth with this girl and me proceeding to tell her to fuck herself, I turned to my friend and told him that as soon as my hair stylist returned, we were going to politely dismiss ourselves and leave. This bitch had pissed me off and tried to humble me. Fuck that and fuck her!

I waited awkwardly for what seemed hours (which was only about 10 minutes) when my hair stylist finally returned. As I began to explain why we were leaving, she interrupted me and said, “don’t worry about it. There was confusion and I took care of it. Stay!” I came all this way, I was here now, so I stayed.

The environment was completely high energy the entire night. The crowd was a mix of gays, straight, and every walk of life. This may feel uncomfortable for some of you reading this because you might be asking, “Auggie, why would you go to a place like that if you are not gay?” And I know others are already judging me. But that’s the point…why are you uncomfortable? Why are you judging?

Drink after drink, shot after shot, and sipping some strange liquid that god only knows what it was, lol, I felt like I was in a weird crazy fucked up state of nirvana. Why? Because I was alive, I was free! At one moment, I started dancing by myself, closed my eyes, and wondered why I never gave myself permission to live life before! Oh, and I also love getting fucked up!

As the night goes on, the dancers switch off and I see a familiar face…and he sees me too. Was I embarrassed? No way! I immediately went up to him, gave him a hug, and a huge smile. I know he was probably surprised to see me there, but my spirit gave off the vibe that I was there to have a good time. Plus, he had gone to see me perform a week prior at a Hollywood club and now here I was in his line of work…respect!

People were coming up to these dancers and tipping them money. When I say tip, I mean literally taking ones, tens, and twenties and stuffing it in their tights or underwear (both men and women alike). I noticed a gay man earlier in the night admiring one of the girl dancers and as he kept tipping her, he would occasionally slap her ass as if saying, “damn girl, work it.” and what can I say? These dancers were fuckin amazing!

My friend gets close to my ear and says, “man, your boy is getting it!” And my dancer friend was! He was dancing amazingly and I can admit that. My friend sitting next to me, who is not gay, had to admit that too. He wanted to tip him and felt embarrassed to give him the money. I can understand so I grabbed the money and said, fuck it…I’ll do it!

I get my dancer friend’s attention and he sees the money in my hand and knows my intentions exactly. He starts to laugh and I knew what he was saying, “Ok, I see you. You are having a great time. You don’t judge. You are open to life.” Yes, I am to the point in my life where I am open to live, be bold, have adventures, and have fun! Does that mean I am not gay? No. Does it mean I like dudes? No. What it means is that I know who I am and no longer care about what others say in regards to me living this beautiful life.

Will I go back? Of course! Do I feel awkward? Absolutely not! I feel like I am in a new era in my life where I am evolving. I am literally in the midst of that moment because I can feel it and it’s so damn exciting!

I challenge you to stop being so judgmental and to stop being a bitch! Live life because you are going to wake up one day regretting being so uptight about gender, sexuality, religion, politics, and life!