#Sora causing headaches just by existing

[distractedhistotech]

My dream subconscious came up with a Kingdom Hearts/Honkai: star rail crossover.

Literally, this never even occurred to me until I dreamt it. It could work though.

So at some point, Sora ended up on the Astral Express without memories (something to do with his chains of memory which made it so memokeepers can't fix it; yes, that was included in my dream). I am not sure when in the Kingdom Hearts timeline this happened.

Sora ended up staying with the Astral Express and becoming a Nameless, which makes sense. He had the mindset for the Path of Trailblaze way back in the first Kingdom Hearts game. He and March probably bond over their amnesia. And then bond with the Trailblazer over their amnesia too. This story unintentionally ended up with a lot of amnesiacs. Sora probably spars with Dan Heng a lot.

Meanwhile, everyone is wondering why he has a giant disappearing key as a weapon. Is it connected to why nothing locks properly when he's around? Sora has picked so many locks without meaning to, and he has no idea how he's doing it or how to stop. He avoids the sealed up Stellaron like the plague. He doesn't want to be the reason one of those horrible Cancer things get loose.

That's all I could get from my dream. It was an unusually detailed dream. I kind of muse what Sora would be like gameplay-wise. Which path would his fighting style correspond to? What element would he use? Would he have multiple elements like the Trailblazer due to his forgotten magical abilities? How would Sora's presence affect their expeditions? Will his Dream Eaters show up in Penacony's dream and cause mass chaos?

Actually, that last one would be pretty funny. Sora's playing with these friendly critters while the Family is panicking because those were not made by any of the Dreamweavers.

I kind of wanna write this now.

[sorathemasterofmasters]

If you could say one thing to your friends after all these years, what would it be?

How bold of you to assume he was only going to say one thing.

The following related excerpt is from the Master Reports Fic which I think I’ll just post bits and pieces that apply to Kingstagram posts.

“So he was recently in Daybreak Town Clocktower, we know that at least, where else could he go?” Asked Riku aloud as the group ascended the stairs of Yen Sid’s Tower. “The guy is thousands of years old he could be anywhere, he's probably on the other end of the galaxy sipping mojitos on a tropical island and laughing at us” Lea snarked as he opened the door to Yen Sid’s office. "Or I could be right where fate dictates I should be." The voice came suddenly out of nowhere, lounged carelessly on Yen Sid’s own seat idly flipping through an old book with his black booted feet propped nonchalantly on the desk. The Master of Masters familiar spiky brown hair peeking out of the hood, grinned shamelessly one eye closed over an empty socket the right eye blue slit and gazing over the group in amusement. Lea lunged forward before he could think keyblade drawn, yet the Master of Masters merely rolled his remain eye and sighed disappointedly “Haa, attacking me with the keyblade I forged? Sooo stupid.” “What!” Lea exclaimed as his keyblade dispelled mid-strike into sparkles then grunted as he was slammed backward into the wall with stunning force by an invisible wave. Powerful magic bore down on everyone in the room preventing any movement. “Now now” Sora- no- the Master of Masters, tutted with a sunny smile in a condescending tone momentarily taking his single eye off the page he was reading. "I'll get to you in a moment" he went back to reading one of Yen Sid’s books Riku noted, totally disregarding their presence as if they weren't a threat, how strong was this version of Sora? The Master of Masters sighed tiredly evidently having found what he was looking for. Nonchalantly taking his feet off the desk and placing the book open on the table before him, his single blue slit eye trailed over the group. "I'll admit, I hadn't intended for us to meet quite like this, but I suppose sentiment was stronger than destiny in this case." “Sora?” Riku breathed shock at seeing this older version of his friend in the flesh pinning him in place and at a complete loss as to what to say. Ventus on the other hand had plenty to say or rather shout “Why are you acting like this?!” For a moment the Master of Masters looked puzzled “Like what, Oh Wait! Are you talking about all those Kingstagram Entries I forgot to delete?” The Master of Masters coughed, embarrassed and scratched the back of his head in a familiar Sora-esque mannerism “Yeah.. my bad. I’ve been using it as a diary for the last few thousand years as you know by now. Forgetting to turn off its network capabilities is probably the first mistake I’ve made in hundreds of years, to be honest!” The older Sora’s laughter was almost the same his voice different, almost manic. Riku spoke up cautiously looking with his eyes and his heart for any trace of his friend “Do you hold a grudge against us or something? We didn't know we were hurting you Sora. And once we did we’ve been trying to fix things-” The Master of Masters waved Riku off with a gesture mid apology “I know, and it's nice and all but this really has nothing to do with that or you, In fact, if I hadn't messed up then we’d have never met and I could have spared you the heartache I know you’re feeling” The expression on the Master of Master's face was inscrutable his thoughts hidden in that instance. Mickey wasn't so sure though and in his heart doubted this version of Sora had let go of something so fundamental “Surely something remains in your heart!” The Master of Master's gaze rested on Mickey a reassuring smile out of place on this version of their friend inadvertently sending shivers down the spines of Guardians of Light. “Oh Mickey, I have nothing but respect for you, unfortunately those bound by fate must follow it regardless of personal feelings. So how is the other me? Actually happy? Less suicidal ideation disguised as self-sacrifice?” The Master of Masters nodded to himself “I can see it in your expressions, that's good I suppose his death is no longer necessary so we can skip that bit of teenage drama” The Master of Masters tilted his head childishly examining the group in front of him “well I can't say I don't like this change to the Guardian of Light roster!” The Master of Master's gaze trailed over the group.

“Kairi, The only Princess of Heart capable of wielding a keyblade.

Riku, Wielder of both Light and Darkness in equal measure.

Ventus formerly of Aced’s Ursa Union the least bloodthirsty one in fact, the one I hand-picked to help Ephemer lead the Dandelions exodus to escape the shattering of the Realm of Light and ensure the Keyblade wielders did not go extinct.

King Mickey Mouse, Wielder of the Kingdom Key D that I dropped in the Realm of Darkness during my escape from the shattering.

Aqua, left to languish in the Realm of Darkness for ten years, an amazing feat of survival.

The absent wielders, Roxas, the Nobody that developed his own heart out of sheer stubbornness.

Xion, a replica puppet that also developed her own heart by the strength of her own memories and the bonds she herself formed.

Lauriam the wielder who’s actions alerted me to the intruder in the Dandelions Sanctuary, slain by Maleficent as she inadvertently damaged the dataworld and forced them to evacuate before the worlds were safe to traverse.

Elrena, perished in the evacuation but possessing such a strong heart that she re-manifested in real world. My younger self who can connect with hearts on a level unheard of in recorded history.”

The Master of Masters paused his eye resting contemplatively on Lea “..and then there's you” a brief silence engulfed the room. “Honestly” The Master of Masters sighed “bequeathing, a last resort for when none are worthy of the actual honor.” “You take that back” Lea growled the other Guardians also raising their hackles at the Master of Masters insinuation. “Hmmm? No I don't think I will.” The Master of Masters spoke measuredly and shrugged “I designed every keyblade to exist, they were made to be very choosy when it comes to their wielders, not be passed down to the unworthy like trinkets on a whim.” the word trinkets spat like an expletive full of scorn enough to make the room flinch. “Where's Master Yen Sid?” asked Mickey warily keeping an eye on the intimidating Lost Master before them. The Master of Masters tilted his head as if confused “Hmm? Oh that old coot? He's around.” The Master gave a half-hearted gesture with an off-hand a grin slowly creeping along his face “I had a lot of fun stripping him of his mastery through” The Master of Masters grinned like a cat and Mickey yelped as his own hastily summoned Keyblade vanished against his will in a blaze of light. The Master of Masters tutted once again waggling a finger. “Come on now, You seriously didn't think The Master of Master title was an empty one did you? Right now? None of you are a match for me as you are, you can't even stand without shaking!” The shaking, a sign of the group trying to escape their confinement and failing miserably. “What do you want?” shouted Riku irritated beyond belief despite himself, the Master of Masters smiled oddly for a second then gave a barking laugh taking them all aback wiping an imaginary tear from his eye “I’ll admit I honestly forgot you had such an angry base expression. Well, what I want? I want a lot of things, some transitory and some more permanent. All things I can get without your input, permission or interference. I mean I could put you down for the duration, but, where would be the fun in that?” The group flinched as the Master of Masters sunny tone and how at odds it was with the very real dark threat in his gaze. “So anyway...” The Master of Masters snapped his fingers once causing everyone in the room to stagger still paralyzed under his magical might as a strange sensation tingled throughout their bodies. “I'll settle for delaying you a little bit” “What did you do to us?!” grunted Ven peculiar weakness running through his limbs. “Hmm, oh nothing that hasn't been done before to one of your numbers, you’re going to have to earn those Keyblade’s this time just like he did, just like I did. I'll even throw in a power boost if you do it the right way. Won't that surprise the Norts?” The Master of Masters laughed at their furious gazes. “Are you on his side?” Asked Kairi warily. The Master of Masters snorted “Xehanort? Not in this life or any other and don't worry he won't come after you for a long while yet, which should give you plenty of time to get stronger.” The Master of Masters perked up abruptly, whiplashing between moods fast enough to give the group a headache “Soooo.. anyway if you want to retrieve those keyblades of yours then you should probably find those replacement Darknesses Xehanort was harping on and on and on about.” “Why are you helping us!” demanded Aqua “I doubt it's from the goodness of your heart.” The Master of Masters chuckled “Nope, You’d be right there but you see, cornered rats can cause a lot of damage and Xehanort? He’s just lost how many of his Darknesses now?” That made the group pause as the Master of Masters continued to point out something they hadn't considered yet “He'll be anxious to replace them and Xehanort never functioned well when it comes to improvisation. He might inadvertently cause a lot of damage to the worlds and I do kinda need them more or less intact” The Master of Masters shrugged considering and amending his statement ominously “Well, the people at least.” The Master of Masters got up from Yen Sid’s seat and stretched walking past the paralyzed group before pausing snapping the air as though in realization "By the way that book on the desk? Your gonna want to read it before Yen Sid gets back, just saying." With that parting bit of advice, the Master of Masters darted leisurely out the door. It was five minutes before the lingering power of the Master of Masters dissipated enough for anyone to move, signaling his exit from the world. Silence reigned in the tower for a long time after that.

This little bit of MoM!Sora insanity came to me in the middle of the night in a dream, I think I got MoM!Sora’s character about right and I now think the best strategy for writing this lovable lunatic is to throw a dart at a D&D alignment chart and write him like that for that chapter. ... Is it working? I think its working. Also sorry about any bad spelling or grammar.

Anyway, everyone else not present at The Mysterious Tower panicked at the new Kingstagram post but couldn't do anything as MoM!Sora posted it after this confrontation.

This Post is also in part a answer to another post that asked for a star wars style confrontation, Unfortunately that post went missing due to Tumblr UI being the burning glitch of a trashfire baby we all know and loathe. So, Sorry whoever asked that.

[d0llhousess]

unexpected sight

⇢ pairing: Momoharu Hanazono x f!reader

⇢ requested?: yes

Anon Requested: Hope ur havin a great day.but um i was wondering if i can request momoharu peeping on the manger of the girls basketball team on accident.And whenever he see her all he thinks of is her in her bra and panties.Then he just snaps at her telling her to leave him alone but at the end he apologized.Also reader is a first yr and Madoka sister. But he never tell her that what he did. I feel like this is weird if it is just ignore it. This is also my first time requesting something.

⇢ warnings/tags?: strong language, light nudity, light angst, slightly nsfw?

⇢ word count: approx. 2.2k

⇢ summary: Momoharu doesn’t make it a habit to peek in on others, yet somehow the one instance where his eyes land itself on an unknown peep hole, he is met with the bare vision of a friend, you. Now he doesn’t know how to even be in the same area as you. 

⇢ a/n: listen, this gave me so many issues, and was a struggle to write because I’m so not comfortable writing Momoharu yet. I hope this is what you hoped for, Anon, and despite the issues, I did have a fun time writing it! I really do hope you enjoy and thank you for reading! Also I am so sorry for the wait!!

⤆ Back to the Masterlist                     ~                crossposted on ao3  ⤇

Momoharu has shit luck. 

Well, He believes he has shit luck, and with the way his life constantly plays out, why wouldn’t he? 

It just seems like with each complete turn the Earth makes, his luck just gets shitter and shitter, and today appeared to be the shittiest. Teachers seemed to be getting even more annoying, and his classmates were grating. 

Hell, by the time he made it to the boy’s locker room, a steady headache was surely starting to pound away at his last bit of patience. So, who could blame him for not thinking straight? 

He didn’t put the hole in the wall. 

Shit, he forgot that it was there, and that unfortunate failure of his brain caused him to place his eye right over the hole because, hey, what’s the worst that he could see?

Apparently the universe decided to, bless,curse him with the sight of a smooth, bare skin of a young woman’s stomach.

Of course, the hole was a clear gateway to the girls’ locker room. 

He should’ve reared back, snapped his eyes away from the small eye-sized hole and forget the smooth display of skin he’d just witnessed. Yet, he didn’t. He was frozen. Eyes non-blinking  as he watched the young woman tug a baggy gym shirt over her out of sight head, and then drop her regulated uniform skirt, exposing thighs that he was fucking sure would be soft to touch. 

With a bated breath, he watched as the girl stepped father away from the  unknown peak hole, her face slowly coming into his view and suddenly it felt as if someone sucker punched him right in the gut--because holy fuck that girl was you. 

You, the manager of the girls’ basketball team. 

You, the person that was the first to volunteer and help Nano out, even though he was sure you already had your hands tied with the girls’ team. 

You, a girl who somehow was a daily fixture of the boys team despite not formally being involved with any of them and who was also a year his junior. 

Momoharu damn near stopped breathing. 

His body finally reacted, eyes breaking away from the sight of you slightly  bending over to tug your gym shorts over your smooth, naked thighs as he retreated to the other side of the boys’ locker room, far from the offending peep hole. 

His heart was racing faster than it ever had during practice. Fuck, he was going to have to face you in just a few short minutes. How was he supposed to look you in the eye knowing he’d just seen you in an intimate, private moment.  Shit, how was he supposed to look at you without imaging your damn near perfect breast, and smooth thighs that his hands were practically shaking to grasp.

Plus, it wasn’t as if you weren’t attractive to him before. 

Hell, he had to hear from his brother damn near 24/7 about how they somehow managed not to get one cute girl to help out with the team, but two--and he somewhat agreed. You had sweet almost doll-like features, an insanely helpful and caring personality and apparently a damn near sinful body to match.

Momoharu let out a deep, heavy sigh. His eyes shutting for a brief moment before immediately blinking back open because all he could see in the forefront of his mind was you. Inhaling slowly, he turned to his locker and began to slowly prepare for practice, ignoring his teammates and friends‘ loud chatter as they slowly filled the club room. 

Once he was in the gym, he tried to ignore your light voice as you spoke to the girls on the other side of the gym. He tried to not let his gaze wander to your place on the sidelines as you timed the girl’s wind sprints. He definitely did not allow his mind to wander, his gaze to linger. 

One could even say he was flat out ignoring your existence. 

Even once the girls were done with their practice and you migrated to the boys half of the court, eagerly speaking to your sister and Nano, he did not acknowledge you. Instead he kept his focus on the task at hand and frankly, it didn’t seem like you noticed anything abnormal. 

Well, until you began to hand out water to each of the boys towards the final minutes of their practice.  

You approached Momoharu with a soft smile on your face as you offered the cold beverage to him, and the moment his eyes met yours, he almost choked on his spit. Simply because his brain was a fucking traitor and decided to flash that alluring scene from the locker room, the scene he was not supposed to be a witness to. 

Rather than accepting the cold beverage with his usual placid expression and small talk, he practically snatched the bottle from your hand and stalked out of the gym. He didn’t see the mixture of confusion and hurt on your face. No, he was too occupied with fleeting images of your body in a state of undress. 

He could feel a sense of guilt begin to make its way onto his traitorous mind. He wasn’t supposed to be thinking of you in this manner, to be allowing his mind to sullying the image of you with lewd thoughts about a moment you, yourself wasn’t even aware of. 

It was dirty, and a bit despicable. Well, at least to him it was. 

Yet he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Even after he’d gotten home, and attempted to close his eyes to rest, images of your curves fluttered to the forefront of his mind. His dreams were plagued with your soft, playful voice, beckoning him to run his hands over each curve and contour of your body. Fuck, his morning routine was even cursed with images of you bending over once you’d dropped that damned skirt. 

There was no way he could face you, not when his brain seemed set on imaging every scenario that involved you in a state of undress. 

So, he began to avoid you. 

It was a simple enough task. The pair of you were in two different years so it wasn’t as if you shared classes. Plus, you were busy with the girls’ team so it wasn’t like you were actively seeking him out often.  The only problem was when you helped Nano out. Then he had to brush away any interaction with you. 

If Nano asked him to take something to you, he’d ignore her, causing her to turn to another member of the basketball team. 

If you approached him with that damned soft (teasing his mind tried to convince him) smile, he’d immediately retreat the other way or all around escape to the boys’ locker room. 

Shit, even when you offered to help him improve his shooting by acting as a resident ball girl (fetching and catching the ball so he didn’t have to stop his shooting motion every time his shot didn’t go in), he snapped at you simply because he could not manage being alone with you for a lingering period of time without the safety net of the others around. 

He tried to not pay attention to the looks of hurt you sent him, to ignore the way your lips twisted into a pout every time he blew you off. It wasn’t like it was his mission to hurt you, he just needed to purge his mind of every impure thought that kept entering his mind at the mere sound of your voice. 

This went on for weeks, the two of you falling into such a tense and awkward dance that the people surrounding began to notice the unspoken tension in the air. 

It wasn’t until a rainy day when practice had been canceled due to an upcoming storm, and Momoharu approached the gym for some time to practice alone did he come to face the hurt he caused you. 

Pausing on the concrete steps to the gym, he hesitated as he heard your soft voice accompanied by the familiar sound of a basketball hit the waxed gym floors. Of course, Sora would be practicing and you and Nano were helping him. Stopping at the entrance of the gym, he caught a diagonal view of your face, a pout on your lips, arms crossed over your chest as you spoke to the blonde just out of his view. 

“Do you think I did something to him?” He heard you ask, voice riddled with confusion as your brows furrowed. It didn’t take a genius to guess who the two of you were discussing, and he felt a slight pang sting through his chest. 

“No,” He overheard Nano say, “Maybe he’s just going through something right now, ya know? It probably has nothing to do with you.” 

Momoharu watched as the pout on your lips twisted into a small frown, and from your expression he could tell you didn’t believe a word that’d escaped Nano’s mouth. You thought you’d actually done something to offend him. That you were the cause of his short answers, and avoidance. When to him that really wasn’t the case. You weren’t in the wrong, he was. 

Now, he felt even more like a piece of shit. 

He exhaled before stepping into the gym, both your head and Nano’s turning his direction once they heard the squeak of his sneakers against the waxed floors. 

“Yo,” He stuttered out in a greeting, as he watched the frown on your face deepen. He expected you to ignore him, because he’s been on the other side of a cold shoulder from a Yabuuchi before. Yet, you face his gaze head on, and returned his greeting. 

The gym was quiet beside the familiar sound of Sora bouncing the basketball down the court, and Momoharu let out  a tentative sigh. 

“Can we talk?” He questioned, watching as you tilted your head and narrowed your eyes as if you were trying to look for some sort of double meaning in his words. 

He was sure you would deny his request because of the way he treated you for the past few weeks, but you nodded, and even followed him back outside of the gym for some sort of privacy away from Sora and Nano. 

You didn’t speak, obviously waiting for him to say whatever he had to say, and Momoharu found himself at a loss. His hand came up to rub the back of his neck as his eyes avoided you, because fuck what was he supposed to say? 

That he’d been so short with you and avoiding you because he caught a full strip show of you in your underwear? That the reason he didn’t speak to you was because his dreams had been filled with your enticing form, and soft voice. That every time he laid his eyes on you, his mind was immediately sent back to him looking through a fucking peephole at your unsuspecting form? 

Fuck no, he couldn’t say that. 

He lets out another deep exhale, before looking back at you, “Sorry,” He manages to say without stammering, and a singular eyebrow raises on your face. 

“For?” You simply question, your gaze still hard and un-moving as your head tilted to face him fully. 

“Being shitty towards you, “ He responds, and he watches as you stare at him, feeling as if you were peeling back every layer of his tone and expression, like you were figuring out exactly why he’d been shitty towards you. Yet to his surprise, you just shrug, a small grin appearing on your lips. 

“Well it took you long enough,” You stated, head shaking slightly, “I thought you were going to stay in your little asshole funk forever.” 

Momoharu snorted, hands going into the pocket of his gym shorts, “Well I’m over it now,” He mumbled out, and your grin widened even more. 

“Good,” You say, a playful tilt to your voice, “Because a week more and I was gonna have Chiaki kick your ass for me.” 

 A chuckle escaped him, and he reached out to ruffle your hair before passing you into the gym. You follow, still informing him that even if you didn’t enlist his brother to help you, that you probably would’ve just beaten him up yourself, causing another chuckle to leave his lips as he walks in front of you. 

Sure his brain isn’t quite over seeing you in such a state of undress, but it was truly unfair of him to just ignore you because he decided to peak in on an unknown hole. 

He was just glad that you were understanding enough to not poke him for more information about his distance.

Yet, even with the now dissipated awkward tension gone, there was still something tense about the air surrounding the two of you, and Momoharu prayed to high heaven that you didn’t notice the heat behind his dark gaze from now on.

[avionvadion]

So the first two are some VERY old drawings- like, I was back in high school kinda drawings. Oof. Sorta hurts to look at it, but whatever. XD The next two plus the dancing one are closer together, though still fairly old, and the Ienzo drawing is one I did literally the other night because I was listening to “soldier” nightcore and OH MY GODS. 

Because, like, Nobodies grow hearts over time? Well, Irene is crushing on Zexion from the start, and she pretty much just sort of annoys him into falling in love with her- though he doesn’t realize it. He just gets angrier and more flustered, until La City de Cloches happens (right before CoM) and he snaps. (Riku witnesses their friendship in the DDD part of the fanfic, or at least will when I’m able to write ti) Also, while I originally planned on them masquerading as gypsies because it’s fanfiction and I can do that, um, I rewatched Book of Life and realized-! BATTLE DANCE MOVES! Which basically inspired the last page because it’s them fighting and doing a team attack. A dancing team attack. 

I’M A ZEXION/IENZO SIMP OKAY I’M SORRY I LOVE ONE MAN AND IT’S HIM HE IS BEST DISNEY PRINCE 

Story: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12448743/chapters/28327938

Major Fanfic Spoilers below

Anyway, the whole Irene/Ienzo conflict is that Irene was super freaking in love with Zexion, right? She was happy and sweet, and he was calculative and manipulative and smart, and she knew that, and he knew that, and it worked. But then he died. Lexaeus- bodyguard/father figure- died. Everyone at CoM died. Even Xion. But then Roxas defects. 

Irene tracks Roxas to Twilight Town after he ran away from the Organization in a desperate attempt to bring him back so to avoid his obliteration. In the process she meets Hayner, Pence, and Olette who mention they just met a blond a day or two ago and wish her luck in finding her friend. She learns of the abandoned mansion and encounters “Ansem” at the gate. She asks him about Roxas, but the only response she got in turn was Soul Eater pointed at her face. Irene tries to go about things peacefully, but when he refuses to put his weapon away Irene summons her own and tells him that she won’t go easy on him for hiding her “brother” from her. Irene wins and manages to break into the mansion. 

There she encounters Namine, who is all too aware of who Irene is because of her connection to Roxas and Riku- and therefore her connection to Sora. Namine is surprised, but says that she should have expected Irene to come to the mansion because of how much she cares for Roxas and the other organization members. She then says that she’s always wanted to meet Irene since she found out about her, having learned of her apparent affection towards Nobodies. She explains that Roxas is hidden in a version of Twilight Town DiZ created, but his memories of her were now locked away. 

“Without the memories of Kairi… Sora can’t wake up. He needs Roxas.” 

“So do we! Roxas is my family; I’m not leaving without him!” 

“But… if you take him away, then…” 

“Then he gets to live. I am NOT losing him, too. Just take the memories out of him and put them back into Sora!”

“I… I can’t… it’ll take too much time…”  

Irene storms out and locates the basement, but during that time Namine panics and tries to mess with her memory. Unfortunately, as a Keeper of Heart Irene’s memories can’t be altered as much as a normal person’s and due to that Irene becomes incredibly dizzy. Having made her way to hidden basement Irene encounters DiZ, who mocks her in her state for caring so much for a being that doesn’t even have feelings. Irene snaps at him, saying that he knows nothing about Nobodies and their feelings, and tells him that the bonds between her and the Nobody friends she made are what keep her going. 

“I-I’ve already lost so many… I won’t… let you… take Roxas, too!” 

She summons her staff and goes to attack, but “Ansem” arrives in time to protect DiZ. She goes so far as to call them murderers for trying to remove Roxas from the world, but DiZ merely laughs and says that Roxas shouldn’t have even existed in the first place. This only makes Irene more angry and her attacks against a weary “Ansem” become more wild and frustrated. 

“You know NOTHING! Of them, of the Organization, of the way they treat each other! One may lack a heart… but the feelings are still there! Wh-When they died… when that girl went missing… Roxas cried! And mourned! And hurt!” Knocks “Ansem” back and switches her illusion staff to her own. “Without being there or witnessing any of it… YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT NOBODIES!” 

Goes to swing the staff with a huge surge of light, when Namine started to try and lock up her memories of the Organization- thus causing Irene to fumble. She falls to her knees and begins to panic, knowing SOMETHING was happening to her. Her eyes lock onto the rings and gloves on her hands and she realizes- she couldn’t remember who they were from. A face was starting to fade from her memory, the face of someone very important to her, and she begins to panic- frantically trying to recall the name as she stands and stumbles back into a wall. 

Irene begins screaming when her head begins to throb to the point it felt like her skull was splitting into two. Namine’s powers were starting to fail and Irene was on the verge of recalling Zexion’s name when “Ansem” takes the initiative to knock her out. DiZ decides to place her in the virtual Twilight Town with Roxas, removing all the gear the Org members have given her (including her coat), and had Namine alter both her and Roxas memories enough to where they would coincide. However, Namine could only do so much and was unable to “make” new memories for Irene, only able to lock up the majority of them and edit the details of the remaining few. 

When Irene woke up she remembered nothing except her sibling status with Roxas. Roxas believed Irene to be his sister and the only remaining survivor of the “accident”. She obtained amnesia since the accident and was brought home only recently since she recovered from hospital. He explained that any gaps in her memory could be because of the head injury she sustained, but Irene couldn’t feel much pain at all aside from a light headache. During the seven days Irene behaved overly doting towards Roxas, taking side-jobs from the help wanted boards in an attempt to help support them so Roxas wasn’t doing things on his own anymore. 

Also Struggles with him sometimes to help prepare for the tournament after it gets revealed that she was the one who taught him how to struggle. Is surprised by her own strength. Eventually sometime while hanging up posters for the upcoming struggle match Irene encounters “Ansem” again. He’s just standing there and watching her, and her feeling rather uncomfortable upon noticing him calls him out and tries to strike a conversation. 

“Hey~ random person! How you doing? New in Twilight Town?” No answer. “O-kay… well! You want one of these posters? The tournament’s coming up soon and my little bro’s gonna be fighting in it! Well, I say “little” but he’s like fifteen? Also taller than me, which is lame, but hey! You should come watch! You might enjoy it.” 

“...” 

“No?” 

“Ansem” leaves and Irene is left very confused, but also feeling like she should know that person from somewhere because of the coat. Thinking about it makes the pounding in her skull worse, so she stops focusing on it. More time passes and Irene is at the accessory looking for something to help Roxas out a day before the tournament when she catches sight of the rings. Her head starts to hurt again and she wonders why looking at them hurt her heart so much, and why her fingers suddenly felt so exposed. Leaves the shop, only to crash into “Ansem” again who shoves two rings into her hands. 

“If they’re so important to you, you should try harder not to lose them.”

 Before she could ask what he was talking about he’s gone and Irene is left standing there, staring at the rings in her hands and wondering what he meant by that. She puts on one of the rings and places the other in her pocket, and heads home to get started on another cooking attempt for dinner. Sometime later Roxas comes out of his room- very dazed and confused, not understanding how he got there since he was certain he fell off the clock tower- and after dinner when Irene is putting the dishes away she asks Roxas if he knew why the rings she had were so important to her. 

He’s surprised to see them, having believed they were lost in the accident, and hesitantly tells her that the ring she was wearing was given to her by her boyfriend- the same one that died in the accident- and that the other was the ring she gave to him. Irene’s headache gets worse, but she’s just barely able to recall a face. In the mansion DiZ questions “Ansem”, demanding why he intervened, and “Ansem” responds that those rings in particular were something they should have never taken from her. Later that night Irene winds up in her heart, where she is asked a question and is forced to fight a previous Keeper. 

During the day of the struggle when time freezes and Roxas is forced to fight the dusks, Irene moves to help him only to be dragged away by “Ansem”. Continuously blocking her way, Irene gets frustrated and in her determination to help her “brother” she summons her weapon. There she fights “Ansem”, but just as she starts to win the world unfreezes and he vanishes into a corridor of darkness. Irene is really confused and her weapon disappears, but quickly runs back to the match and is surprised to find everyone cheering- the dusks nowhere to be seen and Roxas apparently victorious against Vivi. The dusks reminded Irene of something and she passes out after focusing too much on it, and recalls pieces of her conversation with Zexion/Lexaeus after she found out the dusks listened to her. 

When the seventh day comes Namine releases the locks on Irene’s memories and the girl goes in desperate search for Roxas, but ends up having to evade the hordes of Nobodies attacking. Memories back she heads to the mansion and finds Roxas just in time, stopping him from calling out to Sora. Roxas apologizes, knowing full well he was causing her and Maria both grief, but tells her about the dreams he had of Sora and that- even if he didn’t want to- Roxas had to do this. So many worlds and people needed Sora. He asks her to respect his decision and to keep smiling,  and then fades into Sora. Irene starts to breakdown and panics when Sora starts to wake, running off in an attempt to hide. Unfortunately she slams right into Goofy and Donald who have just woken up, and is almost instantly mistaken as “Mazy” by Goofy who had last seen Maria when she was a young teen. Irene is instantly confused only to remember Maria’s stories about Goofy and realizes mid-bear hug what was happening. He sets her down, only to notice her eyes were brown instead of hazel and that she WASN’T actually Maria, and apologizes. Then asks why she’s so upset, but Irene quickly changes the subject by bringing up Sora and saying something about how “someone was waking up in the next room” and Donald and Goofy run off to find Sora. 

Irene makes a break for it, but encounters “Ansem” again. He tosses her bag and white coat at her, all her equipment inside, and tells her to “Go”. Rather than grateful she ends up even more confused and mad at him as he was the reason Roxas was now gone, and she didn’t understand why he was helping her so much, but he says nothing and merely vanishes into a Dark Corridor. “What is wrong with that man?” 

Finds a room to hide in and puts her coat on, looking through the bag to find her equipment and is more than alarmed when she finds the bracelet she made for Lexaeus in there. He had worn it to C.O so it should have been there, so why was it in her bag…? Did that man put it there? His weapon looked a little like a keyblade- could he have been the one to kill him? And the photo from Halloween Town with them and Zexion... Irene was just about to open a portal to the castle, ready to resign herself to her fate of having to explain the situation to Maria, when the door slams open and Sora, Donald, and Goofy walk in. 

Gets questioned by Donald and reluctantly answers most of them, when Goofy has a realization like, “I get it! The reason you look like lil’ Mazy is ‘cause yer her other half, isn’t it?” 

Sora is super duper confused and Donald is in disbelief, and Irene is like, “Er, I mean, I am, but the reason we look alike is because we’re sisters??? Not because we’re both Keepers??? Hi??” 

Que Goofy having an excited freak out because holy crap his little Mazy has a little sister he’s so happy for Maria. Asks how she is and what she’s doing, but before Irene could actually answer Donald throws a fit because the King was looking for the other Keeper and she’s right in front of them- they HAVE to bring her along- and Sora is just asking what the heck a “Keeper” is and who “Maria” was. Goofy and Donald explain, then bring up how the Keepers of Heart are supposed to work together with keyblade wielders to free captive hearts, and Sora gets on board with bringing her along because why not?? The more the merrier, right??? And Irene is all types of “Nope” but they aren’t having it. Donald is the most aggressive about it. Irene is cursing her luck as she just wanted to go back to the castle and burrow under the covers like a depressed bunny rabbit. 

And now Irene is even more distraught then before. Maria learns that Sora was in C.O and tries to kill him, and Irene attempts to defend him because Roxas was still in there somewhere- she can feel his light- which causes Maria to call her delusional. Maria, feeling betrayed by Irene, tries to kill HER while Sora is unconscious, and Goofy drags Donald and Sora back to the gummi ship. Irene doesn’t fight, instead keeping a shield up the entire time as Maria is wailing on her, until the woman is exhausted. She tells Irene to get out of her sight and she does, and every now-and-then Maria will appear. To simultaneously check up on Irene, to attack her, and to attack Sora. 

And though Irene hates Sora for stealing Roxas away, she can’t help but also be friends with him. At least... until Demyx dies. Then she snaps, claiming Maria was right all along, and goes after him- only for “Ansem” to intervene. Sora heads farther into Hollow Bastion and Maria attacks him, thus how she gets her chest scar, and Irene nearly kills “Ansem”. She was seconds away from doing it, but then the hood falls down and she can see his eyes... and realizes that he was a person just like her. Like everyone else. And if she killed him... someone who cared for him would be feeling exactly what she was. 

And then “Ansem” won. Her face burned, stomach ripped open and then simultaneously healed/burned shut, he tosses a defeated Irene and Maria somewhere safe where they can talk. And then more org death happens, and the girls are depressed. Luxord was the last for Irene- she couldn’t handle anymore. She gave up and just hid in her old room, even as the castle fell apart. The previous inside her heart eventually opened a light corridor and pulled her through, saving her, and for a long time she just stayed there before accidentally wandering into Destiny Islands where she encounters Riku. Through some things Maria and Irene are able to start working together as sisters and keepers again and make a home in the Radiant Garden castle, helping the restoration committee, until DDD. 

Lea is pretty much the same Axel. The personalities don’t differ that much. But Ienzo? Heck, even Irene? They’re not the same as they were. Irene is depressed, traumatized by all the events that occurred in such a short span of time. She’s still grieving. And for a man with the same face and voice as the one she had loved so wholeheartedly before, only to be so DIFFERENT, appearing before her? it hurts. And she’s conflicted. And she’s scared. 

And while she wants to protect him, to keep him safe and ensure he lives this time around, she also wants to avoid him at any cost. But Ienzo loves her- he was as much as Zexion as Zexion was him. And Lea tries to help her see this, definitely not as patient as Ienzo and being far more annoyed that the tension in the room was so physically painful he wanted to rip his hair because GOD DAMN IT GIRL JUST ACCEPT HIM ALREADY. YOU KNOW YOU LOVE HIM. It isn’t until after Tangled that she does, witnessing Eugene’s death. 

Also Riku feels massive guilt over killing Zexion, especially after becoming friends with Irene (poor girl unaware he was “Ansem”), and witnessing their interactions in La City de Cloches during his exam. 

The songs “Haven’t Had Enough” “All to Myself” and “Who Do You Love” by Marianas Trench fit  Irene/Ienzo pretty well, actually. Especially if you imagine the PoV shifting back and forth. “Soldier” is more Irene/Zexion to Irene/Ienzo, but... yeah. XD I’m weak, okay? I’m sorry. I love torturing characters. 

[angel-with-a-pipette]

How far I’ll go

It has been over a week since Sora had disappeared and Kairi had done absolutely nothing. Now that not only her enemies but also her friends started to sideline her and keep her out of anything remotely dangerous, Kairi has had enough.

Haunted by massive guilt along with her hurt and sorrow, she finally steps up to take her fate into her own hands - with the help of a small friend.

Rating: General

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Friendship

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Disney/Square Enix.

Also available on: ao3

A big thank you goes to @kairizine​. The fic wouldn’t exist without the zine and it definitely wouldn’t exist in this polished form. Thank you so much for your support and all the changes you made to the product so it would turn out just the way I wanted it to!

Another round of pre-sales open on July 5th, so please consider getting a copy for yourself! All money that doesn’t go into production and shipping of the zine will be donated to Futures without Violence. Check out their site here: https://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/

Let’s all work together for a wonderful future without violence ♥

Another thank you goes to @phoenix-downer​ who as always supports me and my writing despite me being very difficult to work with. Thank you so much ♥

Please enjoy!

___________________________

The sun had barely started to rise when Kairi opened her eyes and stared up at the ceiling, reluctant to get up.

An old toy boat that her father had crafted for her hung from the ceiling, complete with three little dolls that leant over the railing, staring back down at her. The cool morning breeze rocked the boat back and forth, causing one of the dolls to shift and hang even more precariously over the railing than the other two, yet somehow it didn’t fall.

The little grin that was etched on the doll’s face made a sad smile spread over Kairi’s lips before she sighed and got up, making her way over to the school uniform she had laid out the night before.

School. What a waste of time when she could be actively searching for Sora.

It has been over a week since he had disappeared and she had done absolutely nothing. Emphasis on 'she'. Riku had used the time to travel to Radiant Garden and the Land of Departure for intel, postponing the start of his first year of high school while Kairi was stuck finishing her last year of middle school after her friends had unanimously decided she should finish as much of her education as possible. While she understood their sentiment obviously, she couldn't help but feel frustrated that once again she was put on the sidelines against her will with no means to leave Destiny Islands on her own terms.

And that didn't even touch upon the massive guilt that was hounding her every day.

Kairi threw a glance at her vanity mirror. Her reflection looked back at her, with eyes red and irritated from so little sleep. Her face was starting to thin, too, but that was no surprise either. She hadn't felt like eating in over a week, not since—

A tear rolled down her cheek and she rubbed at it, furious with herself when instead more started pouring out. It was this weakness that got them into their current situation in the first place, probably the very reason everyone wanted her to stay on the Islands, to be out of their way.

"Kairi?"

With a small sniffle, she rubbed away the last tears and smiled down at the table. Her view was still blurred, but she offered her open palm to the small creature standing there. It immediately heeded her call and jumped onto her hand so Kairi could bring him up in front of her face and put on the best impression of a smile she could muster.

"Good morning, Jiminy. I hope you slept well."

It was Sora who had asked Jiminy to stay with Kairi. Knowing that his time was limited, he had urged the cricket to leave his hood and take refuge in Kairi's instead, to keep Jiminy safe from whatever was about to happen to him. She felt another tear roll down her cheek and a little frown spread on Jiminy's face in response.

"I slept wonderfully, you made me the softest makeshift bed possible. But the question should be: How do you feel?"

She shrugged her shoulders.

"No change," she answered softly, then shifted the sad cricket onto one hand. With the other, she held her skirt pocket open, allowing him to nestle into it. It wasn't as spacious and comfortable as her hoodie, but it had to do during school hours. She didn't need her enchanted dress—not yet. Not until the others told her it was time to go. Until then, she had stashed it away in a small traveling bag, filled with leftover potions and everything else that could be of use and loaded it into Riku's gummi ship. 

After an awkward and quiet breakfast, Kairi grabbed her satchel and quickly fled the pitying glances her parents were throwing her, only to be surprised by Riku who was leaning against the wooden fence of her front garden. Her heart ached at that. It was the place where Sora formerly—no, normally , Kairi corrected herself, because his disappearance was temporary, not permanent—waited for her each morning. 

"Good morning."

His smile didn't reach his eyes and her shoulders slumped a little.

Things with Riku were awkward ever since the fight in the Keyblade Graveyard. He rarely smiled and was tired constantly, something Kairi could more than understand as she was experiencing the same. However, she was very aware of how he avoided looking into her eyes—and she couldn't help but feel that he was upset with her—as if he blamed her for his best friend’s disappearance.

And how could he not? Had she been stronger, had she fought harder, maybe–

"C’mon, Kairi. You’re going to be late." 

Her heart skipped a beat.

"Are we going off-world?"

Riku shook his head and his smile wavered.

"I meant school." 

Oh. Kairi didn't reply to that, just walked ahead with her head hung low, avoiding Riku's eyes as much as he kept avoiding hers. After a few minutes of awkwardly walking next to each other in silence, Riku spoke up again.

"How are you feeling?"

Kairi shrugged."How are you feeling? Probably not too differently from me."

Aside from all the rightful anger and disappointment towards me , she added in her mind. But she had her own self-loathing to deal with, so maybe it evened out.

Riku didn't answer her, he just nodded, and before long, they reached the front of the school gate. Some of Kairi's classmates waved at Riku, having been friends with him for most of their lives and some of the younger girls giggled and fluttered their eyelashes at him as they passed by, but neither Kairi nor Riku paid them any mind.

"Why don't you take me with you on your world trips?"

Riku sighed and started rubbing his face tiredly, and for some reason it only made Kairi more upset.

"We've been over this before. We all think—"

"He is my friend, too."

"You're a Princess of Heart, Kairi," Riku tried again, a little quieter this time, fully aware of the students that threw curious glances at them. "You know we have to keep you safe."

"So that's what it's all about," Kairi huffed and crossed her arms in front of her chest, "this was never about my education, this was always about this stupid 'light' business."

"It's not 'stupid light business' and you know that."

"He saved my life, Riku!"

"Exactly, that's why I won't let you throw it away!"

Kairi halted and let her gaze fall. She was right. She had been right all along.

"Kairi?" 

Riku sounded hesitant as he called her name and Kairi fought hard to hold back her tears.

"I'm– I'm sorry it's me."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry I'm here while he's somewhere else."

Riku startled her by grabbing her shoulders and making her look up into his pained eyes.

“Kairi, you can't believe that?!" 

“I will set this right,” she replied instead and internally cursed her voice for sounding weak and shaky. “I will fight harder and work harder and I won’t be a liability anymore. I know it’s all my fault, but I will help bring him back.”

And then Riku did something unexpected: he hugged her. Tears filled Kairi's eyes.

“I know I wasn’t good enough, but I–”

"No. You were good enough. It was all Xehanort. He chose to do these despicable things." Riku pulled her tighter. "Kairi, listen to me: I'm not blaming you. I never blamed you. You're my best friend as well, I could never choose between the two of you."

At that, Kairi couldn't hold back anymore. She grabbed a fistful of Riku's shirt and cried. Cried over the traumatic experiences she had had to go through, cried over the guilt she was harboring inside of her, cried over Sora being forcefully ripped away from her when she had just gotten him back.

They held each other for a couple of minutes, finally mourning the loss of Sora together, until the school bell interrupted their moment.

A little reluctantly, Kairi untangled herself from Riku, but he held onto her shoulders, searching her face with a worried gaze. She sniffled a little, brushing away a few stray tears that hadn't soaked into his jacket.

"I think I needed that. Thank you, Riku."

"Will you be okay?" he asked her and she shrugged.

"I feel better."

And she really did. Crying always made her head ache and she could feel the pain slowly creep into her forehead, but talking to Riku had lifted a heavy weight off of her chest. She adjusted the strap of her satchel and was ready to go when Riku called out to her again.

"Hm?"

His eyes seemed strangely sad once more as he mustered her intensely.

"...Take care, Kairi."

___________________________

Despite feeling better about herself and Riku, Kairi’s headache prevailed. Not that it mattered—she couldn't focus on her lessons lately anyway and when she could, she was unable to remember half of what had happened during class.

After the last bell of the day rang, Kairi quickly fled the classroom to escape her friends. She couldn't stand Selfie fussing over her constantly or the looks of pity Tidus and Wakka were throwing at her. But what upset her even more was the complete lack of compassion some of her classmates confronted her with, uncaring of Sora's whereabouts.

Two streets away from school, Kairi felt like she could breathe again. She immediately slowed down—she didn't look forward to arriving at home for the same reasons she fled school—and reached into her skirt pocket to free the little cricket. Jiminy gratefully jumped up and nestled into her hair and the two of them started enjoying the sun and warm rays on Kairi's walk home.

That was until Kairi arrived to see a familiar purple bag in her front garden. Her heart stopped.

”No…"

Kairi quickly opened the gate and ran onto the grass, hands flying to the zipper and revealing pink material and green bottles along with a handwritten note.

I'm sorry

"No. He wouldn't!"

Everything was a blur when she dropped her book bag in favor of the purple one, grabbed Jiminy from the top of her head to let him slide into her bag gently, and began running to the beach. She quickly untied her old boat and rowed over to the play island, ignoring the growing pain in her shoulder as she pushed faster and faster, all the while repeating the mantras of "No" and "He wouldn't do this to me" over and over again.

Having secured her boat as fast as possible, Kairi took off again, this time into the bushes, fighting her way through the thicket to reach Riku's gummi ship.

Except it was gone.

The clearing Riku had used to hide his gummi ship in was empty.

Kairi felt herself sink to her knees and hot tears pool in her eyes. Jiminy carefully wiggled his head out of the insides of her bag and looked at her with pity. 

"Oh Kairi…"

"He left me behind again."

"He wants to keep you safe." Jiminy jumped back onto her shoulder and brushed away a big tear that was slowly running down her cheek. “He cares a lot about you. We all do.”

“Then why does he ignore what I want?” 

“You know Riku,” Jiminy brushed yet another tear away with both of his little hands, “he’s not the best when it comes to emotions and other people’s feelings, but what he does he does out of genuine concern for you.”

“Maybe that’s the problem. Not only Riku, everyone keeps disregarding my feelings and just assumes what’s best for me.” She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand before moving to massage her throbbing shoulder in an attempt to soothe the pain a little. It was another reminder of what had happened a week ago.

“Sora refused to let me help him because he thought it was too dangerous. Both he and Riku left me behind when King Mickey asked us to help him out. Axel held back during our training because he kept seeing Xion in me and refused to attack me with all of his power. If they had taken me more seriously, if they had just talked to me instead of protecting me...maybe things would have gone differently.”

“Don’t be too harsh on Riku. He helped you summon your Keyblade, remember? To be honest,” Jiminy let his shoulders droop a little, “I don’t think it was his first choice to leave you behind. I think he wanted to honor Sora’s last wish.”

Kairi's throat constricted. "Sora's– Sora's what?"

Jiminy nodded and climbed into Kairi's limp hand which she raised to better look at the little cricket.

"Before he spent his last moment with you, he asked Riku for a favor. He wanted him to take care of you—the same kind of request Riku had back when the Door to Darkness was about to close and trap him and His Majesty in the Realm of Darkness." Jiminy's expression softened. "They genuinely want what’s best for you, Kairi."

"I’ve always wanted what was best for them, too, and yet I never told them to stay put.” With her free hand, she grabbed the edge of her skirt tightly until her knuckles turned white. “I’ve always encouraged them to follow their hearts. Why does nobody allow me to follow my heart for once? ‘May your heart be your guiding key’—isn’t that what Master Yen Sid told us?"

Jiminy lowered his head with a sad frown and Kairi let her eyes wander, too tired to keep the argument going. The beach was bathed in an orange color by the setting sun and the water was glistening prettily. From here, everything seemed so peaceful, so unlike what Kairi felt right then. She lifted her eyes a little more and looked at the red sky when something caught her eye. It was small and very faint, barely visible against the strong rays of the sun, but that didn’t deter her. She gently placed Jiminy back on her good shoulder and got up.

"Kairi?” She felt Jiminy’s tiny hand press against her cheek. “Is everything okay?”

"See the line where the sky meets the sea?” was her only reply to which Jiminy cocked his head.

"Huh? You mean the horizon?" 

Kairi nodded. "It calls me."

She began walking forward, across the clearing and down until she reached a small cave.

"I don’t know why, but when I looked at the horizon I saw something in the distance. Like a small glimmer of hope. It sounds crazy, but my heart tells me to go. The horizon is where sky and sea meet. Sora returned to the world of sky and sea. It can’t be a coincidence. This is the best lead we have."

Her face lit up as she saw what she'd been searching for in the corner of the cave. Small and modest, but sturdy enough to survive strong waves, it still waited for its maiden journey.

"And our raft will take me there."

"No, no, no!” Jiminy pressed his hands into her cheek to catch her attention. “Kairi, that's dangerous! We might end up in the Lanes Between, a place filled with darkness!"

"I’m a Princess of Heart, the darkness won’t get to me. And this dress made by the Three Good Fairies additionally protects me from it. You’ll be safe in my hood or pocket, too. That is, if you want to come with me.”

She started to check on the ropes and sail, happily nodding to herself when she deemed them to be in good condition. 

"You've made up your mind, didn't you?" Jiminy asked her again and she smiled at him.

"I have to do this, Jiminy. I’ve waited for too long. Waiting isn’t good enough anymore."

"Then I don't have any other choice,” Jiminy mock-sighed and then puffed out his chest. “I will join you on your quest!"

"Oh thank you!" Kairi squealed and happily cupped Jiminy to her cheek.

This time, she would save Sora. And that's a promise.

[anikoku]

Mini-essay: How the narrative of KH3 was damaged by the compulsory heterosexuality and gender norms of Japanese society

Major spoilers of Kingdom Hearts 3 are below. Please don’t look unless you’ve finished the game!

One more disclaimer: this is coming from a Japanese perspective, and it’s not meant as a xenophobic attack on the culture I was raised in.

   Light-and-darkness logic, time travel, and bosses who are giant ships, I’ll ignore. That’s just part of the Kingdom Hearts package, and despite the headache they might give me, I’ve come to accept these wild ideas and take pride in my ability to handle them. But when we stray from the fantasy, it becomes difficult confronting the cultural context that the Kingdom Hearts series is birthed from, and how these ideas have affected key plot points and the characterization of our beloved heroes.   Despite its stunning popularity overseas, the Kingdom Hearts series is still conceived in Japan (by middle-aged Japanese men, no less) for Japanese audiences. I’ve always felt that Square Enix as a company remains disconnected from the input of its non-Japanese audience. Whatever catering is done towards overseas players is limited to game mechanics, not plot. I expect there’s something of a よそはよそ、うちはうち (“That’s fine for them but not for us”) mentality when it comes to structuring the story in a way that may appeal to overseas (specifically Western) fans. The writers do not know how to do this, and they do not wish to. I don’t believe that any culture should have to adjust its creative output to make it more palatable to the outside world, but considering the sheer size of the Kingdom Hearts fanbase, such a blatant refusal to consider modern storytelling trends in the gaming world will—and has—damaged its enduring legacy. Let’s not forget the fact that Japanese society itself is not suspended in time; its younger generation has different ideas about gender, sexuality, and romance.   I’d like to discuss three examples in KH3 where the writers leaned heavily on traditional gender norms and heterosexual romance to the detriment of the plot and the integrity of previous characterization. First, there’s the matter of Subject X, the amnesiac girl who became the reason why Ansem the Wise shut down his experiments. We learn late in the game that she was Lea and Isa’s missing friend, and the reason why they chose to infiltrate the castle and join Organization XIII. Before this piece of knowledge was revealed, Lea and Isa remained the only (human) pair whose friendship existed outside of the boy-girl-boy dynamic that Nomura is so fond of. Like Axel and Roxas prior to Xion’s introduction in 358/2 Days, Subject X was retconned into their friendship, altering their dynamics and diluting the significance of the homosocial relationship. Putting aside shipping perspectives, it is important to be able to portray two men (nevermind the prospect of two women, that’s too much to hope for in this franchise) sharing a strong emotional bond. Falling back on the trio concept not only feels like lazy and tired writing, but seems to speak to a fear that without a female presence, the love and connection between two male characters is simply too homoerotic.   In an interview, Nomura remarked he was surprised by Aqua’s popularity since she did not resemble previous Kingdom Heartes heroines. He and other writers (Masaru Oka and perhaps others) have a clear idea of what femininity means and what role female characters should play, and that was never clearer than the portrayal of Kairi and Aqua in the final half of the game. After being chosen as a Guardian of Light and spending the entirety of the story training with Merlin, after promising Sora that she would be the one to protect him, Kairi’s helplessness in the final battle was appalling to witness. She is depicted as weaponless when Terra-Xehanort charges at her. Sora and the others throw themselves in front of her to protect her, and this leads directly to Donald’s self-sacrifice. Later, she is easily kidnapped by Xemnas and killed by Master Xehanort to fuel Sora’s anger. This act of textbook ‘fridging’ absolutely disregards Kairi’s agency and her wish to fight alongside her friends. She represents the worst depiction of the traditional female role in storytelling: she is an object of desire to be rescued, damaged, and won over. In other words, it’s bullshit. Likewise, although she is one of the three Keyblade Masters present in the story, Aqua is constrained to a passive role. She is first rescued by Sora, then by Ventus, then assisted by Sora once more against two opponents (Terra-Xehanort and Vanitas) she had previously beaten. When confronted by the Demon Tide in the Keyblade Graveyard, Aqua whispers “no” and lets her Keyblade slip out of her hands, defeated. This is not the same Aqua who survived over a decade in the realm of darkness, defined by her bravery and strength of will. In an era with an increasing number of female-led titles and queer, non-traditional characterization, the female characters of Kingdom Hearts are still relegated to the role of nurturer and caretaker. In a game released in 2019, that hurts.   Finally, I’d like to argue that the narrative focus on Sora and Kairi’s romance came at the expense of the friendship between Sora, Riku, and Kairi, something I believed so thematically important to the franchise. The other trios (Axel, Roxas, Xion and Terra, Aqua, Ventus) are depicted as being equally close and connected, yet KH3 does nothing to showcase Riku and Kairi’s bond. Riku is about as affected as Mickey when Kairi is threatened. The two of them never have a private conversation, not even the day before their final confrontation with Master Xehanort. Riku doesn’t volunteer to help Sora search for Kairi at the end of the game, despite him being aware of what damage it could cause Sora. And that is the other piece of the puzzle: Sora and Riku’s relationship has also been severely downplayed. During the events of KH3D, Riku becomes a Dream Eater out of his strong desire to protect Sora. His character arc has always been about “protecting the people who matter most”. Why, then, is he willing to let Sora abuse the Power of Wakening on his own? Why doesn’t he get to have a conversation with Sora before the final battle? Why is he shown racing against Terra and Roxas in the epilogue, while Kairi sits by herself and mourns? The lack of bond isn’t just present on Riku’s side. When Kairi and the others are swallowed by the Demon Tide, Sora falls to his knees and laments that he has no power now that he’s alone. His grief would have been more convincing, had Riku not been right there by his side. With such a strong bond remaining, there’s no reason Sora should have given up there; it was a deliberate narrative decision to highlight Sora and Kairi’s relationship while downplaying Sora and Riku’s. It seems that Riku was forced to take a step back to make room for the game’s heterosexual romance, and I believe the integrity of Sora, Riku, and Kairi as characters suffered because of this.   Many of the reunions in the final portion of the game were an emotional catharsis for me, and I did enjoy aspects of the story. That being said, the storytelling in KH3 makes me fear that Square Enix is either unwilling or unable to adapt to the gaming frontier now led by the West. For now, I’ll submit to the fact that the most satisfying conclusion to the series I’ve followed so long lies in the hands of the fans who are willing to do it justice.

[darkvolley]

With Ven not being chosen, that might have been why MoM showed up to Nort and Nort JUST HAPPENED to choose a new union leader who also JUST HAPPENED to not have been chosen to split to try to make the x-blade.

Okay, this took me a second to understand but I have. Thoughts™ now. So Ven wasn't chosen by MoM, therefore wherever Ven is and whatever he does is not what's supposed to happen. MoM chose the people he chose for a reason. They might not have had anything he specifically needed them to do, but if not all of them were there, it would throw off whatever he was expecting from them. Whatever outcome he wanted from the Union leaders would be ruined with someone entirely different in there. With the original person out(Streli?), and Ven in, that changes MoM's expectations.

But he knows this, doesn't he? Luxu has the eye and he meets Ven at least a couple times, not to mention when Nort has it. MoM has read the book, so he knows Ven shows up and plays a role, but the eye doesn't record what it doesn't see. If Luxu didn't capture the moment Ven was given the book with the eye, how would MoM know Ven is one of the Union leaders. And there's still the possibility that the Ava that gave Ven the book wasn't the real Ava. It could've been Darkness or, ya know, Luxu maybe. So maybe MoM does know about Ven being a Union leader then! Thanks for the headache, Nomura…

So anyway, the next point we see MoM is when he's talking to Junior at the start of ReMind. It's evident he's given Junior the black coat and apparently set him off on a little tour of some worlds(Perhaps that's the plot of the Xehanort mobile game!). If it weren't for that tour, I highly doubt Junior would have come to the conclusion that people need to be ruled by darkness. So MoM set him off on that path that led to him becoming the old man Nort we all know and hate!

Again, Ven is an outlier here. He has changed things from how MoM expected just by being apart of the picture, but MoM has read the book so he knows how things are altered from his intention. If MoM cares that much about getting back on track with what he intended, then he needs to do some damage control. He may not bother with removing Ven from the equation, but he can make Junior his pawn.

Ven isn't supposed to be here after all. Vanitas therefore isn't supposed to exist. The Wayfinder trio was only meant to be a duo. Xemnas wasn't supposed to have anything he was looking for in Castle Oblivion. Hell, there would be no Castle Oblivion! No Chain of Memories either. No need for Sora to go to sleep which means no need for Roxas to return to him in order to wake him up. Riku wouldn't have been changed by the darkness into looking like Ansem SOD and he wouldn't be working with Ansem the Wise either. And come to think of it, with no Vanitas there would have been no Unversed either. No subordinate under old Norty. No one for Terra to chase after to cause Ven to chase after Terra. No mission to send Aqua on and no need for Eraqus to die. That means no meeting Sora, Riku, and Kairi. No Terranort means no fall of Radiant Garden and no organization to even be at Castle Oblivion in the first place. No one fighting Maleficent means no chance for her to go into the past and interrupt things in Daybreak Town. No invasion of the Heartless, no Xion, no Kingdom Hearts in the first place! No game! Of course, it's not like Ven is the only factor here. Try to remove Terra, or Sora, or Riku and so much falls apart too.

But there was such a big ripple effect by one choice that got Ventus saved from dying in a war as a literal child. I think a good question then is, after the series is over, was the decision worth it? I mean, the Union leaders would have been doing something regardless of whether Ven was there or not. But if Ven wasn't taking someone else's place, how much better or worse would things have gone? If MoM's goal involves a lot of pain for others, how much was prevented by Ven suddenly being there? Or how much worse did everything become solely from MoM meeting with Junior as opposed to MoM just letting things play out with Ven now there? Did it alter the future or was it already written in the book that he would do that?

[lightheartedwarrior]

@synshubblog​ Sent: ϟ for my muse to tell theirs about one of their scars!

Coming out of battle unscathed just wasn’t realistic. Though Sora wouldn’t let his hurt catch on and may of his companions didn’t realize just how much his body had endured  though out the years. A carefully placed hoodie, almost constant glove wearing and long pants were to thank for that. The last thing he’d needed was people fawning over him, they babied and mocked him enough without seeing the wear and tear on his skin that he’d gone through for all their sake.

With Dagon however, he felt a little more comfortable in his own war torn body. Embarrassed and bashful at times, yes. But, he didn’t feel the need to hide here.

Some scars were deeper and angrier than others. Some told stories of battle and others childlike clumsiness. The ones in question weren’t deep but, they did snake around his torso telling their tale by the look of them alone. Like a giant, sharp hand had grabbed him and squeezed.

“Oh, I forgot about those.” Sora laughed a little when the man drew him in close. When he saw himself every day it was hard to tell which marks were jarring to look at and which weren’t since he didn’t particularly like the look of any of them.

“I kinda deserved this one. I walked the forbidden path of messing with time to save my friends.” Something he was sure Dagon knew quite well and had probably caused him more than a few headaches. “I got cocky when fighting a version of Xehanort that had taken over one of my friends. I thought he was done for  but, he had more tricks up his sleeve. Something dark, and big... Something I thought only existed with a former enemy got me.” Summoning the Guardian in such a weakened state was something Sora wasn’t ready for. It had caught him off guard both literally and figuratively. He still remembered the feeling of those massive shadowy hands using their crushing force around him. How he’d cried out as he felt his ribs crack. Thinking about it felt like it had only been yesterday that it had happened when in actuality it had been years. “I guess, it taught me to be more careful especially when I think winning is a sure thing. And to expect the unexpected. Honestly, most of my scars are just me being surprised i’m not dead yet.”

[aliceslantern]

Beyond this Existence: New Life, short 12--Vulnerable

Recovery is a tedious, nonlinear process. Demyx, Ienzo, and the others living in Radiant Garden's castle have to learn to come to terms with their pasts and their memories, learn to grow, and begin to understand what, exactly, it means to be human. While there is unexpected joy in this, there is also unexpected sorrow. A series of oneshots set after Beyond this Existence.

Current short: “Vulnerable.”  A hidden diary sparks an unexpected conversation between Demyx and Ansem.

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

Excerpt from a diary

I still think about them, sometimes. How can you not?

Like, I’ll be out and about, working or just doing me, and I’ll see something out of nowhere that reminds me of them. The colors in the marketplace, the smell of the flowers in the garden. Their faces are less and less clear every day, it seems. More than anything I remember the armor.

It’s almost harder to lose people who didn’t care about you.

I’ve talked about it over and over again, the way it supposedly makes me feel. But truthfully? Working with the sick and dying… reminds me of the sick and dying. I still feel it, in my bones, like half completed fragments of song.

Ienzo doesn’t know about this diary. It shouldn’t be easy, to keep a secret; it’s not like he can read it, anyway. (Thinking too hard about which language to write in just gives me a headache. There it is again. Suddenly letters; suddenly runes. Thank god-or-whatever for pencils.)

I’m not okay. These things come and go in waves, like the world’s shittiest coda tacked on to an otherwise good composition. Maybe it’s because I’m just so tired, but I can feel the weight of the past, heavy, icky, sticky.

Times like these I don’t want to exist.

I’m not going to pull an Ansem and disappear into the rain. I figure if I die again, this time it’ll really take. And I don’t want to die. I want the world to stop spinning, the memories to stop aching.

I’m not me, without the memories; I’m him. He haunts me, too, the absolute asshole. I can see him in my dreams, hear the brash laughter.

I’m sorry this makes no sense. But it’s not like anyone’s going to read this.

There’s Ienzo. Time to smile. It’s fine.

---

“There you are. I’ve been looking for you. Did you forget?”

Demyx scrambled to hide the notebook with another text. “Sorry. Busy day.”

Ienzo kissed him. “What’s that?” he asked.

“Oh, just my case notes,” he said breezily.

“So things are going well?”

“Fine. Yeah. Nothing out of the ordinary.”

Ienzo stared at him blankly, and Demyx wondered if he could see it on his face. “...Shall we go, then? I’m quite hungry.”

“Sure.”

They set off, into the outside world, the cooling autumn day. Ienzo chatted about the next phase in his project, which included an oral history surrounding the Fall. “It is… harrowing work, but I feel it is starting to make a difference. Hiding the past, and all the pain therein, is so much more stressful than the truth.”

Did he know? He had to know. “Yeah. I bet.” How could Ienzo put up with all the pain, so easily?

“It is… something to focus on,” he said, looking down. “Aside from that, I haven’t the slightest idea what I want to do.”

“What about the gummiphone? Weren’t you expanding its programs?”

“We’re at something of an impasse,” he admitted. “There’s the question of how they threaten world order.”

Demyx hummed. “People are already starting to figure it out.”

“Well, so many are still displaced. And it takes a certain skillset to hide such things, which is difficult for the traumatized.”

Demyx considered the irony of this. “Yeah, I know.”

“But I’ve been thinking.” He looked up at him. “What is the worst that could happen? The worlds already have suffered so much, independently. Couldn’t we be stronger, together?”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

“It truly is a tetchy situation.” He sighed. “And ultimately it is not my decision to make. I’m not sure whose it is.”

Demyx listened to him speculate. The world felt quiet, staticy, a bit numb. He knew he should stop Ienzo, should tell him right now about the wave that threatened to drag him under. Work through it. Rewire himself. He took a deep breath--but the words didn’t come. “So what do you want for lunch?”

“Hm, something out of the ordinary. I’m feeling adventurous.”

Demyx drifted alongside him, listening, listening…

---

There were missed calls from Ven, and a slew of texts. That was one thing about the gummiphone--people could tell when you were purposefully blowing them off.

The worst thing was that Ven wasn’t even mad, just concerned.

You okay? Haven’t heard from you in a while…

Couple of things I remembered. Do you remember that girl’s name, the one Lea and Isa knew? I can see her face so clearly but her name… I know it’s a shot in the dark--this is important.

I’m sure you’re busy… get back to me when you have a sec?

Demyx took a shaky breath. Knowing Ven… just made this worse. He erased any shadow of a doubt that this was all some impressive delusion of his.

Ven would understand better than anyone how this felt. Demyx’s thumb hovered over the call icon. He couldn’t bring himself to press it.

---

It was a nightmare he hadn’t had in a long while. Sora, a Keyblade, blood on the green and blue tiles. It was almost boring.

Oh, we do too have hearts. Don’t be mad.

God. Shut up.

Silence, traitor.

Who was he kidding? Who had really been the traitor? He’d carried that vessel himself, so willingly, the second Vexen dangled the slightest scrap of validation.

The vessel he’d brought to Ienzo. Ienzo, asleep in the bed near him.

As quietly as he could, he got out of bed, got dressed, and started walking. Things were starting to feel a bit scratchy. Demyx held himself tightly, his hand over his ribs. For the savior of the worlds, Sora really had been ruthless.

He returned to the library, to find his diary hidden under the healing theory text he’d covered it with, but when he got to the desk where he’d left it, it was gone. There was nothing. His heart was beating unevenly, but he took a cold comfort in the fact that nobody could read it.

“...Looking for something?”

Ansem’s voice made his hair stand on end. Demyx tried to smooth his face, to come up with a good excuse, and found none. “Just a book I left behind,” he said. “It’s Aerith’s.” His Nobody self had been a hell of a lot better at bullshitting. “I couldn’t sleep, thinking about the case, and--”

“That so?” Ansem brandished the notebook. “Then what’s this?”

“My case notes?”

“In a language Aerith can’t even read?”

He felt like he was slipping. He heard himself breathing hard. “It’s easier for me to write in.”

Ansem gave him the notebook. “If you truly seek to keep something private, I would suggest a cipher,” he said.

Demyx’s head was spinning. “You… you read it.”

“I’m a predictable academic. It took me far too long to realize that these writings were current. Nice touch, getting the old paper.”

He felt like he might faint. “This wasn’t for anyone,” he spat, but his mustered venom was weak. “This was… mine , it’s private .” The indignation was almost stronger than the shame. “How… how dare you, you--”

Ansem smiled sadly. “I… apologize,” he began. “Once I realized that it was yours, I stopped reading immediately. You write much differently than how you speak, which threw me off the scent, so to speak.”

“How much did you see?” Demyx couldn’t breathe.

“Enough to worry. Enough to see myself reflected in you.”

He didn’t know what to say. “Did you tell him?”

“No. Demyx, these suicidal thoughts are not to be taken ligh--”

“I’m not suicidal.”

Ansem sighed. “Truly, you did not think it normal to desire a cessation of existence? What was it you said to me? You’re here for a reason, Demyx.”

“I know.” Something was hot in his throat. “I know that, I--”

Ansem waited, but the words didn’t come. “I know how it feels, for memories to cleave the being. To despise who one once was. I, too, hid behind darkness to further my own agenda. Moreover, I also know how it feels to lose those close to me. And for my past self to be at odds with my present.”

His breath caught. “So many of them died.”

“...I know. You couldn’t help but harden your heart, even as a Nobody. Why let anybody in, lest it cause more pain? I suppose, now that the memories are clearer and you’ve had time to process them, you’re struggling with the vulnerability you’ve found as a human. Is any of that right?”

He said nothing.

“Not to mention, your increasing self-deprecation, despite it being mired in jokes, can clearly be seen as a reflection of your own insecurities, creating a cycle you yourself cannot get out of.”

He could feel his eyes watering. “Did you just wait here to roast me, or--?”

Ansem sighed. “I do this because I care about you, and I can see you need help out of the dark place you’re in.”

“Why do you care about me?”

“Ienzo loves you. That aside, we have a peculiar connection. You brought me out of the darkness. You have a kindness and a tenderness to you that mustn’t go to waste.”

He tried to hold it back. Ansem’s rust-colored eyes were unraveling the anger inside of him. “I already ask too much of him,” Demyx said. “Ienzo. I can’t… he’s got enough on his plate without also dealing with… all this.” He gestured to himself. “It’s easier to pretend to be okay. He’s still so shaken. His anxiety… it hurts to see.”

“That is something I am also familiar with.” Ansem sighed, and shook his head. “But you cannot in all seriousness get through this alone.”

“I have before.”

“Then is not now.” Ansem’s voice was firm. “You need connections.”

“I know.”

“And you need to trust in them.”

“Do you?”

Ansem seemed thrown by this. “I am… trying.”

“See? It’s not easy when you have to put your money where your mouth is.”

To his surprise, Ansem smiled. “...Quite.” A pause. “We cannot expect to understand the hurt in our memories, or the hurt we’ve inflicted upon others. But closing ourselves off to the world--in any capacity--well. That’s not much better, is it?”

“No,” he admitted.

“Let the people who care about you in. Even if the inside isn’t as pretty as you would like.”

“I will if you will.” He held out his hand. “Deal?”

Ansem took it. “It’s a wager.”

[nadziejastar]

There used to be a huge amount of irony in Saix and Xion's relationship. He hated her for being a puppet, but he was the true puppet all along.

Being Inseparable—A Double-Edged Sword

“Sora or Xion—it matters not. But we need one of them under our control. Bear that in mind.”

Saïx nodded, and a serene smile came to Xemnas’s face.

If that smile meant anything, it was beyond him.

Yep. I do think Isa was Xehanort’s favorite lab rat and that he had all sorts of techniques performed on him to create an obedient slave. Now if that description doesn’t sound like Saïx, I don’t know what does. There’s a reason Axel’s weapons are shaped like the chakras. They both had blockages and could not heal them until the other was healed.

Axel finally stopped sulking with his arms crossed and looked up. “Which means, if the time doesn’t come, things can stay as they are.”

Saïx glared at him. “Lord Xemnas has spoken. Obey or face your end.”

After Saïx’s warning on his behalf, Xemnas vanished from the room. The others followed suit.

The third eye controls the ability to think for yourself and your spirituality. When it is blocked, you feel like you have no purpose. There was a lot more wrong with Saïx than just lacking a heart (which is bad enough). He had mind control techniques used on him. I love Nomura’s illustrations of Saïx because they do such a great job showing the idea behind his character. He can’t think for himself. He’s cold and incapable of being tuned into emotional matters.

“But—!” Saïx jumped to his feet again. At that, Xemnas’s smile disappeared.

“Silence,” he growled, returning his attention to Axel. “Where are Naminé and the boy?”

“The haunted mansion in Twilight Town.” Axel stuck the last of the ice cream pop in his mouth.

Xemnas narrowed his eyes. “Oh…?”

“I’ll go.” Saïx started walking as if he couldn’t wait to leave the scene.

In this illustration he’s totally dominated by Xemnas. He’s had his mental faculties forcefully shut down. He’s literally not capable of higher-level thought processes like the others are. Saïx lives in total fear of Xemnas and he cannot think for himself. He also is another Xehanort and doesn’t even realize it.

“You are to discover the identity of the outsider,” he told her. “Those are direct orders from Lord Xemnas. Failure is the same as insubordination. You understand that, don’t you?”

“Wha…?”

Xion had no idea that Xemnas had chosen her for this mission. To the best of her knowledge, Saïx was the one in charge of assigning tasks.

“I assume I’ve made myself clear. Keep looking.” With that, Saïx turned his back on her and left.

The causes of blockage with the Crown chakra involve spiritual abuse—-things like being forced to have blind obedience, and having no right to think for oneself. Like growing up in a cult. Ignoring this aspect of Saïx destroyed everything that made him such an interesting character. I’ll never forgive KH3 for ruining him so badly. Ugh.

Some kind of pressure was gathering between his eyebrows. He walked down the hallway, and when he arrived at the lobby, no one was there.

“Axel…?” He murmured his friend’s name without thinking, then touched his mouth at the outburst.

They had told him that Axel might have been terminated. He remembered that part.

And being terminated meant there was nothing left, nothing at all, according to Xigbar.

The whole idea behind Saïx is that these chakras are blocked. Both of these are governed by the pineal gland. Since he has the Recusant’s Sigil on his forehead, I’d say his pineal gland is dead. And I think I know how it happened. Grief and personal pain is the major cause of blockage of the third eye chakra. This actually happened to Roxas when he was afraid that Axel was terminated. He passed out in Agrabah and felt pressure between his eyebrows.

Riku gently cradled Xion in her sleep.

His head hurt, and his brows tightened in pain. Why did it hurt so badly…?

He’d first noticed that faint headache a little while ago after recalling what Zexion said to him. Now it was getting much worse—from bearable to excruciating. He had nearly blacked out for a moment, struggling with the worst headache of his life. What was going on?

It also happened to Xion when she remembered what Zexion said to Riku. And he also felt a headache at that moment.

Roxas hadn’t expected to sleep very well, and he was right. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. The center of his head felt heavy, like something pressing from the space between his eye brows all the way back.

But yesterday… Yesterday I saw Xion.

Why was she avoiding me? Why was she running away from me?

This is 100% without a doubt referencing the pineal gland. It is right between the eyebrows, in the back of the head. Roxas had issues with it when he was worried about his friends, and had trouble sleeping. This part of the brain controls the waking and sleeping cycle.

Roxas looked up, surprised to be receiving orders. But of course, it was Saïx.

And he didn’t seem any different from usual.

“Is it true about Castle Oblivion…?” he asked, not looking his superior in the face. Saïx’s response was icy.

“That’s no concern of yours.”

“What about Axel?” he pressed. Hearing that name, Saïx narrowed his eyes faintly, not even enough for Roxas to notice. He wasn’t attuned to such subtle changes.

“Who knows,” Saïx finally said. “Perhaps he is among the lost.”

I would suspect that Isa was so traumatized and afraid that his third eye basically went into total shut-down. I think Isa was traumatized so severely by having Lea threatened.

And yet, Axel couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of his response. “Well, nice to know where I stand.”

He said it with a grin, but the hint of a frown tugged at the scar between Saïx’s brows. Apparently, the joke wasn’t very funny. “You made it back in one piece, didn’t you?”

Were you worried I wouldn’t? Axel almost said, but he didn’t want to deal with putting him in an even fouler mood. Disgust and rage seemed to linger closest to the surface of Saïx’s memories.

He was so worried and grief-stricken, his pineal gland went haywire and he had a total mental collapse. He went to the Realm of Sleep and he was marked with the “X” on his forehead. Essentially, Saïx was brain damaged and severely mentally compromised after this happened. He’s an even better tool for Xemnas because of this, and it’s why he rose to be his right-hand man. Being reminded of this is very unpleasant for Saïx, even though the memories are Isa’s.

Saïx: Something at Castle Oblivion changed you. Does the past mean nothing to you now?

Roxas: Are you worried about her, Axel?

Axel: Of course I am.

Roxas: Doesn’t seem like you.

I think it’s why he was so disappointed at Axel for not being as focused on their goal as he is. Of course, that’s because Axel is suffering from damage to his third eye as well. He’s been traumatized severely, and I think watching Saïx exist in his miserable, emotionless, and robotic condition is a constant source of trauma.

“He worries too much. Thinks he has to help Sora do everything…” Axel grimaced in irritation.

“But, Axel, aren’t you the one worrying about Riku and Sora?” Naminé giggled softly.

“Me, worry? You think I need to be worried about those two?” He stretched backward and rocked the chair back and forth, like a restless child.

Axel has severe anxiety regarding the people he cares about. He was so worried about Riku and Sora he rocked back and forth like a child.

“You’re not wrong…but don’t let your guard down,” Axel told them, bringing up the rear.

“Quit being such a worrywart, Axel.”

“Maybe I could if you two would quit giving me so much to worry about,” he retorted.

Xion and Roxas exchanged a look and laughed.

He constantly worried about Roxas and Xion, too.

“Genie sounded really worried about his friend–some guy named Al. But, I guess you can’t always jump in and do everything for your friends–even if you want to. And then he said that you have to respect your friend’s wishes.” Xion bit her ice cream, swinging her feet. Axel leaned his head to one side.

“Your friend’s wishes, huh…” It feels like I have heard that before, a long time ago, when I was human.

And I think he was worried about Isa, even when he told him not to.

“Well, I think you can be inseparable, even if you’re apart,” said Axel.

Roxas and Xion shared a look. “…Even if you’re apart,” Roxas murmured.

They trailed off, and this time Axel finished his ice cream. So he started talking again. “It’s like, if you feel really close to each other. Like best friends.”

The weapon shaped like the Third Eye chakra is called “Double Edge”. If you say that something is a double-edged sword, you mean that it has negative effects as well as positive effects. I think this is referring to Lea and Isa being inseparable. Lea felt really close to Isa, even when they were apart. It meant they were always felt connected as friends. But…there’s a down side. When the experiments were happening, I think he worried incessantly about Isa. If Isa dissociated due to his extreme worry and fear over losing Lea, this damaged his pineal gland. So, it only is natural that Lea also has issues with this chakra as well. He feels the same pain Isa does, due to constantly worrying. They are inseparable.

“Sheesh. Would it kill them to give me a day off? I’m exhausted,” Axel whined. “I need my beauty sleep.”

There’s a recurring theme about Axel’s inability to sleep and his constant fatigue. It’s mentioned CONSTANTLY in the novels.

Every time he tried to wake up, all Axel could think was how badly he wanted to go back to sleep—although he was getting enough rest.

He just wished he could have a day to himself and do nothing but sleep. It was probably some remnant of his human memories.

Besides, this world was always dark, even in the morning. The deep indigo sky and its heart-shaped moon outside the window might as well be a night sky.

Axel rolled over. He still had a few more minutes. But then he began to think about yesterday.

Even when he gets enough rest, he’s still tired. And he says that this desire to do noting but sleep is a remnant of his human memories.

Axel finished the report, hardly getting any sleep in the process, and figured he might as well get back to the Grey Area.

To be honest with himself, he had been sweating bullets the entire time. It wasn’t simply writing things down. He had to decide what to include and what to leave out, where he could get away with fudging the truth—it made for a grueling project.

The lobby was still empty. With an enormous yawn, Axel collapsed on the sofa. Even Nobodies needed sleep. He crossed his arms and let his eyes close. Just a little catnap…

“That is not a bed.” A sudden rebuke cut through the peace and quiet, and Axel startled awake.

“What…? Oh. Saïx.”

He can’t sleep because he’s always got something troubling him. And he startles easily.

“You just do what you want,” said Axel.

“What I want…? I don’t know what I want to do.”

Axel let out a long-suffering sigh. “Well, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. Sleep. And then maybe have a catnap and a snooze after that.”

“But you do that anyway,” said Roxas, still confused.

“Hey, I’d nap six times a day if they’d let me.”

How could anyone sleep that much? Roxas thought. I’d just have dreams that wear me out even more.

“Speaking of, I’d better get to it. Enjoy the break.”

Roxas can’t understand why he wants to sleep so much.

As he turned to go, Roxas grabbed his sleeve. “Wait, Axel…”

“Hey, c’mon, let me get some sleep.” Axel yawned, stretching his arms to emphasize his point.

That was when Xion happened to turn the corner, stopping in her tracks to stare at them. “Uh, what are you two doing?”

“Did you see that paper?” said Roxas.

“Yeah.”

“What are you gonna do, Xion?”

Axel yawned again through Roxas’s question. “If anyone cares, I was just getting back to bed.”

“Wh—? Oh. Okay.” Roxas nodded uncertainly as Axel sauntered off without another word. How can he be that sleepy…?

He finds it very unusual how sleepy Axel is all the time, and the novel makes a point of emphasizing this.

“Does going to sleep count?”

“What?! Axel, you wasted your whole day?”

“Hey, I needed the rest! I work hard on the job, unlike some people.”

“It’s not our fault you get tired so quick,” Xion shot back, and the three of them cracked up together.

He gets tired very easily.

“Doesn’t mean I have to tell you everything. Everybody’s got secrets.” The smirk hadn’t left Axel’s face, but his voice was low and solemn. “Got it memorized?”

“Secrets…?” Roxas repeated to himself. Do I have any of those?

Xion’s gaze dropped, as if her thoughts were wandering, too.

“Geez, you two. I’m kidding!”

The day he chose to sleep all day was their vacation. It’s the same day Axel brought up his “dark secrets”. He smiled, but his voice was low and solemn. His dark secrets are connected to his memories, and are the reason he doesn’t sleep well.

There was no one here yet. Guess I’m actually early…He was only up at this hour because he’d never gone to sleep, working through the night on his report of the mission in Castle Oblivion. But pulling an all-nighter to finish a report did not gain him a reprieve from missions. He twisted to look up at Kingdom Hearts shining outside the window.

“You’re here early,” said Saïx.

Axel waited a second before rolling over to face him. “So are you.”

“No, I’m not. You’re just usually late.” Saïx took up his usual post.

Saïx tells him he’s always late. Just like Roxas did on the clock tower.

Axel had barely gotten any sleep when he headed in early to the Grey Area. He might as well do his negotiating with Saïx about today’s mission without anyone else to overhear.

He’s torn between Saïx and Roxas and Xion. It’s why he sleeps so poorly.

Axel barely slept a wink thanks to all the thoughts turning in his head. He scowled at the throbbing pain in his temples. These sleep deprivation headaches were awful. Rather than going back to sleep and getting a lecture, he went to the Grey Area before anyone else and claimed the sofa to keep thinking.

Dealing with Saïx not only causes him so much worry he can’t sleep, he gets migraines, too.

Axel walked the hallways, trying to sort out his thoughts.

Another sleepless night. He shook his head slowly to dispel the grogginess, but it persisted as he combed through yesterday’s events.

The Organization wanted to have either Roxas or Xion eliminated. But what could he do about it? That was what Axel had to figure out.

He wanted to find a way to save both of them, to respect both of their feelings. He’d spent most of the night poring over the possibilities, but of course he hadn’t found the answer.

He pulls a lot of all-nighters because of his constant worrying over his friends. If this insomnia goes back to his human days, he probably worried over Isa constantly.

“Ugh, I’ve got enough on my plate.” He groaned, imagining Saïx’s face if he reported all this.

Those days as a trio had been so wonderful. Why did this have to happen?

The memory of his heart twinged. Had the breakdown of a friendship always been this painful? It was hard to tell when he didn’t have a heart anymore.

“Don’t wanna get up…”

But he dragged himself out of bed, taking a huge stretch and cricking his neck. He had to get to the Grey Area early if he wanted to talk to Saïx.

Most likely, today would be another bad day.

I think his inability to sleep was connected to his memories of the experiments, which were directly connected to his worrying over Isa and the pain of his friendship breaking down after Isa changed. He doesn’t want to get out of bed when he remembers how that felt. He tells himself he can’t tell if it was always this painful to lose a friendship, because he has no heart. He does that a lot. But I don’t think it’s that simple.

That means, the nobodies gathered as Organisation members once held strong hearts.

Really? Axel wondered to himself.Did that self in my memories really have a strong heart?Don’t really know.And then, nobodies without hearts wish for only one thing. A heart. If I was asked if I wanted a heart, I guess I’d answer that I did. But, do I really want a heart? Can a heart really fill this hollowness I’ve carried since I fell into existence as a nobody?

The chakras are deficient if they spin slowly. Its why Axel’s Ultimate Gear is called “Rapid Spinner”. His Crown chakra was definitely blocked along with his Third Eye chakra. It’s why he was so indecisive about his true purpose, lacking in joy, and had such limiting beliefs about everything. His problem with this chakra also related to Saïx and his memories of the past.

Shards of emotion, fragments of memory. So alike…but they’re completely different things.

Even if we can hold on to a few fragments of memory, we can’t have the smallest shard of emotion.

Nostalgia… And memory.

We are the ones who lost their hearts—the ones who are no one. Nobodies.

Not light nor darkness—we live in the twilight.

Axel stopped outside the crystal ball room and took a deep breath.

Why are we here? What are we doing?

No—why am I here?

Still asking himself that question, he opened the door.

He asks himself why he’s here when he starts reminiscing about the past. And he is confident he cannot feel any emotions.

The set of his shoulders told him plainly what the answer would be.

Axel realized how great the rift was between how he remembered their past and what he saw now.

Why am I even here? I don’t know anymore. What am I trying to do?

He feels so lost all the time.

But those connections were no more than memories of the past—Axel had never cared about anyone since becoming a Nobody. What was happening? Why was Roxas so important to him? Why was Sora?

He hadn’t cared about anyone since becoming a Nobody.

“Fear’s an emotion. It doesn’t exist for us.”

He truly couldn’t feel anything until he met Sora and Roxas.

“It’s because I don’t have a heart,” Axel went on. “I don’t want to disappear, but I’m not upset or sad about it.”

Naminé tried to say something and failed.

Nobodies aren’t supposed to exist. Nobodies don’t have hearts, so they can’t feel anything. No… We couldn’t feel anything. Until we met Sora. And Roxas, his Nobody. Why can’t the rest of them see that?

Watching Isa suffer was the main reason he was so emotionally dead inside. He couldn’t feel anything for so many years. Because is friend was so fucked up. If Isa hadn’t been so messed up, he would have been able to nurture a new heart right away, like he did with Roxas and Xion.

After watching them go, Axel stretched and turned to Saïx, expecting to see a scowl. But the expression had left Saïx’s face, leaving him as dispassionate as usual.

Of course, he had been faking it in the first place. Nobodies had no hearts; they only imitated what emotions they remembered. The very proof of their emptiness showed how desperately they each longed for a heart. Axel probably did the same thing himself without noticing, and yet, for some reason, when Saïx did it—or actually, any of the others—it seemed so out of place.

Maybe because it makes me realize how much effort we put into acting like we’re still human, Axel thought. It’s pointless.

Whenever Saïx acts emotionally dead, it makes Axel feel emotionally dead, too. He denies all of his feelings. He does it in the novels all the time. I think he’s being honest. He really has a hard time feeling emotions. He cannot differentiate between emotional numbness caused by trauma, and the lack of a heart as a Nobody. When he grows a heart, his depersonalization is still there because he’s been traumatized so badly. But he doesn’t realize this. He thinks he has no heart and is a bad person.

Roxas slumped over. “Why does he hate her so much…?”

Axel was a bit taken aback. Out of habit, Nobodies might say they liked or hated things, but none of them really had those emotions—not the way Roxas meant.

“What d’you mean by that?” Axel laughed. “You just can’t stop talking like a real person, can you?”

Then Roxas turned to him. “What did I say?” He seemed uncertain, his gaze wandering, and he hung his head again. “I don’t know how real people talk…,” he mumbled.

Roxas must feel like he doesn’t know anything, Axel thought. Well, I don’t have the best handle on things myself, but I’m slightly less clueless.

When the subject of Saïx’s lack of emotional capacity came up, he goes into a dissociated state and his feelings truly are numbed out.

Lea handed over some munny and took the two cones from Scrooge, one of which he gave to Isa.

“It’s cold…,” Isa muttered as he took a bite.

“What’re you talking about? It’s ice cream; of course it’s cold. Got it memorized?”

“Salty, too.”

“But sweet!”As Lea went on, Isa smiled just a bit. It’s rare to see Isa smile. But, well, friendship means eating ice cream together, talking about stupid things, and laughing like this.

It’s why he was so addicted to ice cream. I think it was significant that Isa smiled while complaining it was salty and Lea thinking to himself that Isa smiling was rare. He associated sea-salt ice cream with friendship and Isa being happy and smiling.

He’d never deluded himself that tracking down Riku would be easy, and neither had Saïx. It was just that if he went back and reported that he couldn’t find anything, he would have to deal with those attempts at “personality”—the sneers, the snide remarks, the only trappings of human emotion that Saïx ever showed. Not that Saïx was even capable of annoyance or disappointment, of course, what with the lack of a heart and all.

Heading up the slope to the station, Axel bit into the ice cream bar. “This stuff is so salty,” he murmured to himself, as he often did.

Something he never does anymore. He thinks it’s too salty, but eats it anyways. It helps him deal with Saïx’s lack of emotional capacity.

“Yo.”

Axel moved shakily up to Naminé, a hand pressed to his chest, and with a glance up at Riku, bit one of the ice creams she was still holding.

“Now that’s salty…,” he said in a small voice, and sank heavily into the chair. His breath was coming jaggedly.

Naminé rushed over, dropping one of the ice creams in her hand onto the floor.

More ice cream, and more dissociation from his feelings. He eats the ice cream after Saïx tried to kill him. He comments how salty it is here, too.

“Oh. Right… You really can taste the sea salt in this, huh?” Axel turned away, his shoulders shaking.

If he had no heart, then what were these feelings welling up in his chest supposed to be?

Sorrow and…happiness?

Axel didn’t have a handle on it. But maybe not understanding these things was part of having a heart.

I understand why he was so confused and thought he had no heart, despite the fact that he had emotions and was often aware that he did.

His only good friend—his best friend—Axel had arrived with two sea-salt ice cream pops.

During the scene where Axel says goodbye to Roxas, it mentions how he was his only good friend. If he’s thinking that Roxas was his only friend, he was obviously thinking about Isa in this moment, too. Roxas was not his only friend, lol.

Axel’s eyes crinkled as he remembered his own best friend—the only friend he’d ever had, in fact.

“If your best friend goes away, you’re sad, and if you get to be with them, you’re happy,” Naminé added. “Isn’t that how it is, Axel?”

“…That’s about the size of it.” Axel nodded and sat down on the remaining empty sofa, staring at the sea-salt ice cream he held.

“So you are capable of sincerity,” said Riku.

Axel only shrugged at the jab and finished his ice cream pop.

He did it here, too. He responded sadly and stared at the ice cream in his hand. Axel couldn’t get over his issues until Isa did. They were inseparable.

[revengerevisited]

Thoughts about how weird the redemption-esque scenes are in kh3 (negative rant)

i’m not emotionally prepared to talk about vanitas yet so this isn’t about him. 

rather, i want to say this off the cuff about the other characters, namely xehanort, eraqus, saix, ansem, and er... ansem. i haven’t gone back through any of the cutscenes with them so i might get some stuff wrong. this could be considered bashing so just know there are going to be negative things said about these characters. (i’m not going to tag their names just in case). i don’t necessarily hate them, some like ansem sod are just villains who served their purpose and role in the story. (because i hate having to say ‘seeker of darkness’ or ‘the wise’ every two seconds let’s just call ansem sod ‘ansem’ and ansem tw ‘diz’, shall we?)

im gonna start with saix cause he’s the easiest. basically, i was actually hoping for saix to get a redemption arc and join the sea salt trio, however, he didnt really get a redemption arc yet showed up with them anyway? and now is palling around with everyone on the beach? like i get no one had enough screen time and character interactions, but it’s like we don’t even get to see him apologize to axel roxas and xion? especially xion? like when i say redemption arc i don’t just mean admitting that he was jealous and then everyone just accepting him, i need at least an “i’m sorry.” (maybe he said one and i just don’t remember).

speaking of apologies, what’s with ienzo apologizing to diz and then diz is like “heh it’s good to admit when you’re wrong.” i can’t remember exactly what ienzo did but wasn’t he like 7-8 years old? i totally get him blaming himself and apologizing but the way diz reacted was kind of weird and borderline dickish? idk i might have misinterpreted that entire scene. of course, it’s also coming from the guy who apparently experimented on (tortured?) CHILDREN apparently. not to mention how he treated namine and roxas and kept telling them that they were never meant to exist. and i get that he helped out in kh2 with that magic space gun or whatever (i know it’s called the kingdom hearts encoder) but still, the way he spoke to ienzo there just rubbed me the wrong way. (EDIT: ok i rewatched it and he does basically apologize 👍)

also it’s real funny ansem calling diz out for hurting children when he tormented riku for a year and has terra chained to him as his guardian for years and is xehanort’s heartless and therefore has xehanort’s heart, the guy who abused and neglected 12 year old vanitas for 4 years (and before anyone says that the bbs novel isn’t canon, i. do NOT. give a FLYING FUCK.) and then riku is like “i’ll miss you” like, really? you’ll miss the guy who possessed you and made life a living hell for a year? like i didn’t mind the rest of his farewell but that bit with riku really didn’t sit well with me. maybe it was sarcasm that just flew over my head, idk.

i guess i have to talk about xehanort now, huh. ok. xehanort is a good villain. dude wants to know too much about hearts and darkness and the keyblade war and starts going too far and it ends up hurting a bunch of people. wants the x-blade and kingdom hearts so he can make a new world, presumably one where he has godlike powers or something. or at least that’s what i thought he wanted. now remember, xehanort is a lying liar who lies, and therefore could be 100% lying about wanting to ‘create a world without darkness’ or whatever he was saying to sora. but if he was telling the truth then i just,,, uuuuurrgh. because it almost sounds like a... not a redemption attempt... but just a way to make him seem not so bad? this guy who is the cause of the torment and deaths of tons of people, (assuming people who’s hearts are taken by the heartless die). the dude created vanitas, abused him, a child, for years, then used him as a weapon/tool/ingredients for the x-blade, and when that didn’t work, a sacrifice along with the other members of org13 to make the true x-blade, AND, on top of all that, wants to make a world of pure light where vanitas couldn’t even exist?! and yet, after all that, after tormenting terra both during bbs and keeping him as the guardian, he still gets to turn all young and go to heaven with his bff? are you FUCKING kidding me?! like young xehanort and eraqus are cute and all but every time i see them i’m just like “oh hey it’s the guy who abused vanitas and possessed terra and the guy who tried to kill ven and terra” because there’s one more person on this chopping block and his name is ‘square’ spelled backwards.

eraqus. i like eraqus. he’s good as the failed mentor type character. i legitimately enjoy him. however, he tried to kill ven and terra. he actually straight up thought terra was going all darkside of the force because he was protecting ventus. now granted at the last second eraqus realized what he was doing was wrong, but still he forgave xehanort for using/researching the darkness, even forgave him nearly burning his face off, but the second terra shows any darkness, even to save his friend’s life, he goes for the kill? when he said terra is like a son to him? wow no wonder his best friend is xehanort, sacrificing your children for the “”””greater good”””” is something they have in common :U then we have terra ven and aqua’s reaction of him coming back as a ghost which was, let’s be real, absolutely in character for all three of them. i know some of you guys want them to be wary of him but let’s be real, of course they would be glad to see him again. he’s been their father figure for the past 4 years at least. what i don’t like is how ‘meh’ his apology is, which basically amounts down to “i put you through a harrowing experience” which, yeah almost being murdered by your father would be pretty harrowing. how about you ((and yen sid don’t think i’ve forgotten about you, you’re not on this list but i see you over there, parting the heartless sea ain’t gonna get you outta sitting on your ass for the past decade and not trying to help aqua)) apologize for letting xehanort run around unchallenged for years when you knew for a fact he was after the x-blade and then inviting him to the mark of mastery are you kidding me?! *sigh*

ok i think that’s enough for now i’m starting to get a headache thinking about this. redemptions, apologies, forgivenesses... all just kinda weird in this game to be honest. i didn’t even talk about vexen but honestly i remember so little about that character i don’t even know what to say about him. i do like him more now than in chain of memories. i guess a lot of the org13 members had semi/mini not-quite-redemptions, which i actually kinda liked.

[derekscorner]

Ambiguity

Alright so it’s still on my mind. The end results of this discussion (link). TDLR as the kids say, the concepts of nobodies-gain-hearts and “walking heart” theories bother me.

“If nobodies can gain hearts, why seek their old ones?” and “If a heart can construct a material vessel then what purpose does a body-soul combo serve?” are questions that plague my mind.

For those not in the know, KH2 established that life as we know it in the series has three specific elements:

Three elements combine to create a life: a heart, a soul, and a body.But what of the soul and body left behind when the heart is lost?

When the soul leaves the body, its vessel, life gives way to death, but what about when the heart leaves?

-Secret Ansem Report #4 (KH2)

A body to give you shape, a soul to give it life and the heart to give yourself. Heartless and nobodies are born when the heart is striped from this equation. Actual death, as defined here, is caused when the soul is extinguished.

When I was younger the soul was a huge pet peeve of mine. People seem to give it more importance than it holds. Even well known channels like HMK confuse this, usually attributing it to the Lingering Will entity.

I wont delve into that old tangent now because this got me thinking on another issue. For years I thought the story explains things that didn’t need it while leaving things that could use it ambiguous.

This is just one of those moments, in hindsight you can see the heart-body-soul fact only exists to explain nobodies as an entity. They’re that living body which has lost it’s heart. The heart’s will was too strong to fade and thus the body clings to existence.

The question that stems from this however is “was that explanation necessary?”

Was it needed? In the long term it’s caused more nitpick questions or misunderstandings than it’s really helped. Which, in fairness, not many read these rules anyway and the ones that do all tend to see it in their own light. Such as the youtuber HMK.

(I’m only using him specifically due to a vid I recently watched btw)(the wikis and forums tend to have just as many)

For example, aside the two question I offered earlier you can further ask:

How do replicas like Xion or Repliku live? Did Vexen just manufacture a soul?

Why does the body+soul of a nobody seek a heart endlessly while beings who’ve cast theirs aside have no such longing? The heartless are mindless, Vanitas wishes to be part of Vens heart and Sora never experienced an issue from being split from his normal body.

How do we explain the souls in KH2′s Underworld?

Is the mind and will truly tied to soul as many believe? If so then how come Sora held the entirety of both after Roxas was born? How come Ansem and Xemnas seemed to hold their own after Xehanort’s would’ve split between them?

This brings other concepts into question. The mind as KH knows it seems to be separate from the heart yet born of it. Terra’s “mind” is inhabiting the armor, the “mind” of people persist in their nobodies, the “mind” of Sora and Ansem persisted with their hearts.

Hell, Roxas and Xion developed their own minds. One being a artificial person and the other half of one.

It just brings up a lot of questions for the concepts KH throws in. As my friend @blackosprey put it, these ideas feel more half realized than truly defined.

It doesn’t even end at the metaphysics either. Time Travel, yes I’m going there, is another hilariously introduced concept.

Xehanort establishes rules to it sure but he also contradicts them within that very sentence. Whether he recalls the memories or not, he admits they mold him into Master Xehanort. That’s the future altering the past.

Yen Sid sends back Riku and Sora. People do point out they’ve filled some of Xehanort’s rules prior but that’s moot because they aren’t traveling on their own. It is Yen Sid sending them back and all we know is that his method required a past version be there.

Hell, in Merlins first introduction in KH1 he bluntly tells you he time travels in his free time. Merlin, in his source movie and in this universe, canonically travels time as a recreational hobby. Then there’s the door to Timeless River.

Then there’s the very scary implications of Maleficent time traveling alllll the way back to Chi just because some fake digital construct of her exists there.

To Nomura’s credit, he’s not used this as an excuse to alter the game entries (yet) but it’s like each example just follows their own rules. Why have them if the rules are not followed?

So, you’re probably wanting me to get to my point. My point is that the things we get explained or introduced to us tend to cause more logical leaps than they do solidify a set of rules.

Yes exceptions exist, notably Ansem who retained his sapience for a decade, but this all ties back into the title. Ambiguity.

Just imagine this with me, let’s say the heart-soul-body thing never existed. Let’s just say Yen Sid’s explanation in KH2 is all we got on them. How much does that change? In fact how many of those questions I ask vanish?

KH1 makes it clear the hearts is an equivalent to what we’d consider a soul or mind. It’s clear there’s a physical body and a spiritual heart, if you only had these two and left it at that nothing changes. If anything it highlights even more how intrinsic the heart is. Every enemy in the game is based on the heart in some fashion.

Heartless? Darkness of the heart, the more you have the greater the monster. Nobodies? That heart’s will, it’s desire to live. The stronger the will, the more human the nobody will appear. Vanitas and the Unversed? The literal darkness and emotions of Ventus. The Lingering Will? The mind according to Xehanort and Terra’s strong hatred according to Nomura. Replicas? Notorious for developing their own sense of self, their own hearts.

Then ya got time travel. There’s so many alternate methods, on top of Xehanort contradicting himself, that any such statements minds well be moot. All you had to do was establish that Xehanort is unable to alter past events.

Of course, introducing this concept at all was poorly received and may have been best left out as opposed to being left ambiguous. Merlin can’t be altered since he has that power in his source material but as supporting cast it wasn’t an issue.

Instead of moments like this we could’ve used that time on things that could use explaining. Like why did the Ventus-Vanitas fusion produce an Xblade if it’s wrong in method?

Why do keyblades exist in the Dark Realm? Can any wielder gain one by going there? Why did only Mickey acquire one? (yes I consider these of needing answers since they felt the need to make 0.2)

Or heck, the best focus would’ve been on characters. They’re in need of it the most, they need the explanation, not the ambiguity. *coughneglectcough*

Anyway, I hope I’ve explained myself well. I feel into tangents here and there but it’s simple. Do you, as fellow fans, feel there’s things that was better left unstated? Do you prefer the mental gymnastics of trying to overlook them?

What things do you feel needed explaining and what do you feel needed less? Lemme know.

Edit:

I just remembered another one, data. I felt Tron was ok in KH2 but the recent titles seem to have taken great liberty with it. Especially the headache of explaining DDD’s Tron world.

[lyssala]

But I Swear I Won’t Forget You

Pairing: Terra/Aqua (are mentioned/implied but its more brot3 with Ven), Kingdom Hearts

Setting: Any time from the end of Birth by Sleep to before III

Rating: K

Words: 2053

Notes: This one was unusual to write haha Mainly cause while Ven is probably the safest out of the three, he’s also in someone’s heart and how do you even begin to write what that would be like LMAO I did it so he was aware of being somewhere but unsure where and since in the 3 trailer its fairly likely he’s aware to some point when Vanitas showed up. Ven’s a little like Terra in that Ven’s kinda jumbled mess too; thanks to his bond with Aqua and Terra he’s still connected with them but also with Sora and Roxas to an extent so I had it so Ven could see some of the things they could even if he didn’t know what was going on. His was the hardest hahaha but it was fun to explore ^^

AO3

2. Ventus

Ven didn’t know where he was.

Most of the time there was nothing, just endless darkness. Sometimes he was aware, time ticking on slowly as he sat alone in a place he wasn’t even sure existed in reality but other times it passed like he was sleeping.

Sleeping. Maybe he was sleeping.

If he was he didn’t like it. It was like he was waiting, sitting there and waiting but for what he had no idea. He hoped it was Aqua or Terra, because Ven missed more then he knew how to say but he had a sinking feeling he wasn’t waiting for them. It was definitely someone, he just wasn’t sure who.

It was strange. Ven wasn’t scared of the darkness around him; for the most part it was fairly comforting to be where he was. It was the images that could scare him. He knew they weren’t real, he didn’t know why but he knew they weren’t. Maybe it was however he was still connected to the reality of his world that made him see what he did in this world.

Dreams, they were sort of like dreams where he could see his friends, the people he cared for even though he had no idea where they really were. He didn’t even know if dream was a good word for it, but it was all he had. They weren’t always bad but they absolutely weren’t always good. When the darkness would lighten up around him, Ven never knew what he was getting.

Sometimes he’d see Terra first, off far in the distance. Ven would run, feet sliding against the marble floor underneath him hoping that this time someone came for him. He could never get too close though not before he realized it wasn’t Terra, not really at least. It wasn’t even the hair or the eyes that gave it away; it was look of hatred on his face that always made Ven slide to a stop. Terra never looked at Ven, not even a passing glance really. Terra was almost always facing Aqua and really that’s how Ven knew. Terra would never look at Aqua like that. No matter what happened, Ven knew that for a fact.

Even worse than being stuck here alone was having to watch Aqua fight in vain against the person who was her best friend. Ven would try to shout and try to help but he found he could never move let alone be able to summon his keyblade in this place. It made him want to be sick to see Terra put his hands on her neck, in a way Ven knew Terra would never do, not in a million years.

Ven would beg them to stop, tears burning his eyes because this was so wrong. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. Only then would Aqua see him. She’d only smile in that way that she did and tell him to run. Ven never wanted to, he didn’t, but he would turn and do as she said only to find himself face to face with Master Eraqus. His smile would be kind, and his hand warm on Ven’s shoulder and for a moment he’d feel better. It would only last a second before his master would fade away.

Sometimes it would be Aqua who would be waiting for him, smiling, unscratched and her arms open. He could never reach her though. Every time Ven tried she’d be swarmed with monsters so much that even Aqua, the strongest person he knew would be thrown down. There was nothing he could do before she was gone and Ven was left back in darkness, only taunts and ridicule in his ears.

He’d lay down on the marble, eyes clenched shut and his hands on his head as he tried to make it stop, to just stop. It wasn’t true. His friends were safe, they had to be safe.

The silence would be refreshing after he had to go through dreams like that.

Sometimes he saw people he didn’t even know. It wasn’t bad, it was just unusual. A red headed girl and a silver haired boy were the most common. Ven would stand up when he saw them a swell of familiarity in his chest like he knew them but he didn’t at all. Maybe they were like Terra and Aqua, someone’s best friends. It seemed right, but Ven honestly wasn’t sure of much here.  

On stranger days he’d see someone who looked uncannily like him lingering off in the distance. Ven would try to reach the boy but he always seemed to vanish before Ven could get close enough. Sometimes there was a girl he knew was somehow connected to that boy, but she was almost like a ghost; gone before Ven could even blink. They were different, almost like they were here too somewhere and not just like he was outside looking in. There was another red head who showed up every so often; a boy who was connected to them all but wasn’t here. Though Ven was almost sure he knew the red head from somewhere; he could never place it, and thinking too hard about it almost always gave him a headache.

Ven didn’t know anything about where he was or what was going on but sometimes it was nice to not feel so alone here.

He blinked open his eyes, unsurprisingly faced with more darkness. He groaned as he sat up. He wasn’t really sure how much time had passed this time though it was impossible to track any sort of time here he supposed. It could’ve been five minutes, it could’ve been five years.

He tried not to think about that.

Something flickered off in the distance that made him perk up. It was still fairly dark, but even then he knew that shade of green, the silver that sparkled, and the star shape. His wayfinder.

Ven was on his feet and running before he even really knew it. He thought he lost it since it wasn’t on him like it always used to be. Maybe just this time he could reach something in the distance here. It wasn’t a person right? Maybe it was really there, some connection to his friends.

His shoe scuffed against the ground making him to lose his balance. Ven flailed for a moment, trying to catch himself before he fell but two hands grabbed onto his chest, pulling him back into a warm body. He looked up to see blue eyes and blue hair.

“Aqua,” Ven said, unable to hold his grin back; though when he glanced back to where his wayfinder had been, it was gone.

“Be more careful,” she said with a smile, leaning her head down to nudge against his and making him laugh.

These were the times he liked the best, the times everything seemed okay again. She always knew how to make him feel better even if she didn’t know she was doing it. Just being around Aqua was soothing, comforting. He used to like to fall asleep in her room just because she put him at ease so well. It was a kind word, a gentle touch, a sweet presence; Aqua was always there to take care of him. He missed her so much.

He wanted to turn around and hug her so that maybe she’d stay longer with him but a figure in the distance caught his eye.

Ven would know that stature and hair anywhere. Terra had always been tall for as long as Ven could remember, always had strong arms and broad shoulders. Terra was the epitome of strength but he was still so kind and gentle too. The person Ven looked up to the most, the one he wished he was more like. He started to move towards where Terra had his back to them but Aqua tensed up, holding Ven a little closer to her.

He didn’t really have to ask to know why. He could already see the slight fog that almost seemed to encase Terra, the way his hair wasn’t the right color, his stance to harsh and hard. “It’s not him, is it?” Ven asked, his voice even seeming small to him.

“No, it’s not.”

If Ven already felt bad, looking up to see Aqua and just seeing how her usually bright eyes were so stricken and sad made him feel even worse. She must’ve noticed he was watching her because she looked down, a sudden smile on her face. Leave it to Aqua to always make others feel better before herself.

“It’s not, but I promise he’s still there.”

“How do you know?”

She moved her hands to Ven’s sides, pressing her fingers down in such a way that he suddenly started to laugh. He tried to squirm away from her but Aqua was just as strong as Terra was.

“Because,” she said, leaning her head down slightly against Ven’s; it was comforting. “I know Terra better than anyone. He doesn’t ever give up a fight. I know he’s still there.” She paused for a moment, looking down at Ven. “I can still feel him. Can you?”

Ven closed his eyes, searching inside himself for something, anything. He felt hands grab at his waist but it wasn’t Aqua this time, the hands were bigger, stronger almost. His feet left the ground as he was picked up almost effortlessly. He waited to open his eyes till he was sitting up on shoulders, two hands holding onto his legs.

He was sitting much higher than he was before, looking out over the expanse in front of him. The other Terra was gone from the distance but when Ven looked down he saw a much more familiar face glancing up at him. This Terra had the right brown hair, familiar blue eyes and a amused look on his face as he tried to look up while he was carrying Ven .

Ven felt smaller, younger, like when he first came to live with Terra and Aqua, when they showed him what having friends felt like. “There you are,” Ven said, kicking his feet against Terra’s chest some.

He laughed and like when Aqua did, it was so nice to hear; Ven thought he’d never get sick of it. “I’m never too far,” Terra said. He turned his head a little, one hand leaving Ven’s leg to extend out to the side.

Aqua took Terra’s hand in hers, wrapping her other arm around his, her head leaning in so it bumped against Ven’s leg a little. He was hit but such a familiar sensation of just being…well, at home really.

This is how it should be but this isn’t how it was, not really.

“You feel like you are. You and Aqua,” Ven said. “I don’t even know where I am. I don’t know how you can find me.”

“We’ll always find you,” Aqua said. “The both of us will.”

Terra nodded in agreement. “Always.”

Ven didn’t know what it was but he chose to believe it. He wanted to talk to them, to tell them all the things he thought about here, to make sure they were okay, but he couldn’t open his mouth. His voice didn’t come and suddenly the warmth was gone and he was falling.

He tried to catch his breath as he felt the wind get ripped right out of him as his friends were gone and he’d hit the floor any second. His friends were gone again. Why couldn’t they stay? Why was he here alone? Why?

A hand reached out to grab Ven’s, halting his fall completely. He didn’t recognize the hand and the image of the person was blurry; he couldn’t see past brown hair and blue eyes but a face too young to be Terra.

Ven was on the ground again, staring up at darkness. Nothing, there was nothing. With a sigh he extended his hand out, only to see the green and silver wayfinder poking out from in between his fingers. He brought it up to his chest, holding it close under both his hands. Even if he felt like he was, he knew he wasn’t ever really alone.

“Please,” he whispered to no one and to everyone. “Please find me.”

[currantlee]

Language: English Rating: Teen and Up Audiences (T) / P12 Warnings: Discussion of Death Fandom: Kingdom Hearts Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Songfic Characters: Xion, Roxas, Naminé (mentioned), Sora (mentioned), Ventus (mentioned), Axel (mentioned) Relationships: Roxas/Xion (RokuShi) Words: 3,689 Chapter: 1/1 Beta: @theeeveetamer Notes: inspired by Until the End, a RWBY song that I get heavy RokuShi vibes from for some reason. There might be continuity and / or characterization errors in here. Full notes on Ao3, as always. Other Platforms: -

A new day is gone without a trace All memories are dark and light is fading

To someone who had never been to Twilight Town before, time must have seemed to stand still due to the eternal state of twilight this world was stuck in. Xion had, however, made out a pattern long ago. While the sun itself never changed its position, but the colors of the sky faded between the pastels of a sunrise and the bright reds of a sunset over the course of the day and night.

Currently, some clouds were obscuring the sun, their grey causing the sky to appear in a darker, more navy tone of blue than usual, alongside deep reds and violets. And those colors were still too bright to reflect her current mood.

Today had been another day of fighting to get out of bed because the exhaustion was almost too strong to bear. Another day where her dreams of a normal life slipped away, as she couldn’t even keep up with school. Another day of the headaches – the ones caused by Naminé’s memory powers, though Xion couldn’t fault her for those. She was just as exhausted from using those as Roxas and Xion were, if not even more. And yet… Another pointless day with no results. Not even a trace of their vanished friend, despite all of the effort, the headaches, the exhaustion…

That feeling… It was just so… Xion wanted to scream, she wanted to punch something. Why did it have to be this way?! They deserved an outcome of their hard work – and Sora deserved better than being lost.

The longer this went on, the more those bright memories were tainted with a darker color, like drops of darkness fell onto them, obscuring and eventually extinguishing all the light that came from them. Everything Roxas, Naminé and Xion herself tried in order to help find their lost friend seemed to never be enough, and that didn’t help to brighten up her mood either.

… Maybe, it was better to accept that Sora was gone… So he could rest in peace. He wouldn’t want them to feel bad because of him all the time, Xion knew that.

A tear rolled down her cheek. No. They couldn’t just give up like this. Kairi would never get over Sora’s disappearance. Besides, he was the reason why both she and Roxas even existed – because he had never given up on finding a way for making the impossible happen. He deserved that they did the same for him now.

Besides… If he was gone… Wouldn’t that mean their days were numbered as well?

Xion held her hands in front of her face, against the ever-setting sun, just to see if they were still there. The clock of the tower started to ring – Xion could feel the swings of the noise whenever this happened while she was up there. One, two, three… Nine times.

The faded light bathed her hands in a reddish orange, almost as if it was shining through the flesh of her replica body. Was she fading away too, again?

“Hey Xion.”

She turned around to see a familiar blonde standing behind her. Xion felt a smile tug at her lips, but the fear of fading was stronger than that and all she managed was a short twitch of her lips before she spoke. “Hey Roxas.”

She gestured to the empty space at her side. A wide smile spread across his face as he took her offer and pulled out two familiar packages from his pocket, handing her one. “Here. It won’t help with the headaches, but… I figured it might still do some good.”

It was sea-salt ice cream… Of course it would be sea-salt ice cream. She finally managed to crack a smile. “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

Silence fell between the two as they unpacked their creamsicles and started eating while watching the sunset. The clouds had finally unveiled the sun, and by now the sky and the town were illuminated in bright yellows, reds and oranges. The clouds glowed in a lovely, warm pink.

“It’s almost like the old times,” Roxas said after some minutes of silence.

Yes… Almost. “Where is Axel though?”, she asked.

“He said he’d catch up later,” he responded.

“So it’s just like the old times,” she remarked chuckling. “Thinking about it, he used to be late from time to time.”

“True.” Roxas grinned briefly before his eyebrows twitched and he let out a small wince. “Ouch…”

Xion’s heart slightly hurt hearing that – like it was being pulled on. She knew that feeling… It meant that she was worried about him. “Are you okay?”

“Y-Yeah… Can you hold my ice cream for a second?”

She nodded and Roxas handed the creamsicle to her with a grateful smile. Then, he proceeded to massage his temples.

Xion raised an eyebrow. “Brainfreeze?” A small nod confirmed her suspicion.

She knew he hadn’t been sleeping very well ever since Sora’s disappearance. He tossed and turned after going to bed, sometimes for hours before finally entering the realm of dreams. And even then, it weren’t always good ones.

To be frank, Xion hadn’t had the best sleep in her short life either, but at least it found her quickly after another long, exhausting day of work. The dark circles under her eyes grew deeper with every day nonetheless, just as Roxas’s did.

The lack of sleep, Naminé’s memory powers… All of that combined often led to headaches, triggered and untriggered ones. Maybe the ice cream hasn’t been a good idea after all, taking that into consideration.

“Don’t worry too much about it,” Roxas interrupted her line of thought with a slight smile. “It’s just a headache. Nothing I can’t handle, really.”

He was right in a sense – they had been through far worse. Still… “Maybe you should take a break.”

She remembered the evening of Sora’s disappearance like it had happened the day before, even though it had been months ago at this point. Roxas had collapsed almost immediately after that event, going as far as being rushed to the Destiny Islands hospital because their friends were concerned he might have a heart attack. In the end it turned out that there were only deviations of his heart rhythm, But that was bad enough from what little Xion understood about medicine. Almost as if whatever stabilized his heart rate was gone… Just like Sora.

She remembered holding his hand in the emergency room. Ven had asked him how he was feeling, to which Roxas had responded by panicking over possibly dying, something that had made her want to scream and run away – but she stayed and took his hand into hers, trying her best to be strong for him. She couldn’t remember if his hand had ever been as cold before, and thus she had taken it as a bad sign.

The environment hadn’t exactly contributed to calming her down either. All the sterile white, the machines and the staff running around shouting things she didn’t understand…

This beeping thing at Roxas’ bedside was the worst. It had wires attached to his chest and Xion couldn’t shake the feeling that it was doing something to his likely already damaged heart. Roxas seemed to think the same as he had ripped the wires off after the staff had finally left them alone – only for the machine to make a long, loud, agonizing beep and the doctors rushing into the room again, assuming his heart had stopped beating. It had been a mess.

After that, a kind nurse had explained to them that it was a heart monitor, that the noises were supposed to represent Roxas’s heartbeat and that it would alert the staff in case his condition worsened – but Xion got the feeling that Roxas still didn’t like the fact that he was hooked up to this thing.

She didn’t like it either. Even though it was just for monitoring purposes, knowing all of this had made it even more agonizing. For hours, the beeping had been more or less irregular. Sometimes Xion thought it was finally over, only for Roxas’s heart to skip another beat and go back to beating irregularly. And once the noises – or more like his heart rate – finally became permanently predictable, he had been asleep and the clock displayed a time way past midnight.

Fortunately, nothing like that had happened to him ever since, despite the fact that Roxas kept pushing his limits. He was determined to find Sora and, Kairi and Riku excluded, he was probably the best bet when it came to finding any clues – and he knew it.

“I wish I could do that,” he whispered. “Just… Move on, you know? Finally have a normal life.” He let out a heavy sigh. “But I don’t want to…”

He didn’t finish his sentence and Xion was reminded of her thoughts from earlier, when she had held her hands against the light of the ever-setting sun to see if they weren’t fading away. She wondered if he had thought about this as well.

Roxas shook his head a little. “I have to keep going. It… It just feels like a part of me has been ripped away,” His voice sounded a bit weary – the exhaustion was coming through. “Besides, there is something I want to ask Sora.”

An answer he might never get, Xion thought. “What is it?”

“I just don’t understand how he could stay so calm,” Roxas mumbled. “Kairi said he knew it was coming. I just… I don’t understand…”

“I do.”

She thought back to her own disappearance – Xion didn’t like to call it death, even though that was technically what had transpired on that fateful day. It had been here, on the clock tower, just a few feet away from where they were sitting right now. Thinking about it, it wasn’t too dissimilar to what happened to Sora.

Back then, she had sacrificed herself so he could live… Just like Sora had sacrificed himself so Kairi could live. Probably the only significant difference was that Sora and Kairi had actually shared a personal bond when this happened, while Xion and Sora… The only thing she had shared with him was what had been rightfully his.

Taking this into account, sacrificing herself for Sora had felt like the right thing to do. Xion didn’t regret it – especially because in the end, she had been given this second chance at life, which she was beyond grateful for. But there was another reason why she didn’t.

“His favorite person was with him until the end,” she explained whispering. “Trust me, when you know you’re not going to last much longer, then having someone special with you when it happens… It makes you happy, you know?”

Roxas blushed a little hearing that, and a warm, pleasantly tingling feeling spread out inside Xion’s belly. It was rare that he did, but she liked the sight of his cheeks flushing in that rosy color.

It was only for a short moment before his expression turned back to a more solemn one. “Maybe,” he said quietly. “I don’t know.” After all, he had been alone when he had abandoned his existence so Sora could wake up from his year-long sleep.

… She had never realized that before.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“You were all alone.” She couldn’t manage to say more – it would only tear old wounds open again.

A lump formed in Xion’s throat when she remembered the way Roxas had cradled her during her last minutes. Despite having found out who she really was and what her only intended purpose had been, despite having fought Roxas only minutes prior, despite him not remembering who she was – it didn’t feel bad back then. Knowing that he was going to be the last thing she saw had somewhat eased everything else.

Thinking about how Roxas didn’t have that… He had never revealed the details surrounding his own “death”, but Xion knew enough for her eyes to become watery and her heart hurt thinking about that – like it wanted to cry for him.

“Oh.” Roxas lowered his head. “Yeah…”

Xion decided that it was best to not discuss that topic any further, especially due to that growing, tight feeling in her stomach. It made her so uncomfortable, nervous even… She wanted to run, despite knowing that it wouldn’t help. She couldn’t run from fading after all…

… Maybe the ice cream could do something about it? It had always worked during their Organization days, right?

She wordlessly handed Roxas’ creamsicle back to him and continued to eat her own, trying to suppress this unpleasant feeling.

… The ice cream was sweet. And salty. As usual. And the cold left a somewhat… Tingling feeling on her tongue. Combined with the taste of course. When she closed her eyes, she could almost feel the rays of sunshine on her face. Everything was fine…

“I think I would still have gone on a rampage, even if you were with me… When I faded away.”

Xion dropped her ice cream when he spoke up again. So… He did want to talk about it? A cold shiver ran down her spine thinking about it – not because of him. She trusted Roxas, and she knew she could talk to him about anything. But the thought of talking about this… And maybe getting the answer that the clenching feeling in her stomach was right about what was to come… The thought of hearing it from him…

Xion wanted to scream, but she didn’t. Instead, she raised her voice again. It shook a little. “Well, I think we both know you would have gone nuts…”

“It’s just not fair,” Roxas said as his free hand curled into a fist. His expression had grown a lot darker, and Xion wondered what he was thinking about – Sora’s disappearance or his own. “None of this is fair…”

And he was right about that.

It wasn’t fair that someone as good and kind-hearted Sora had paid for saving them and countless others with his own existence. It wasn’t fair that they spent their days in countless futile attempts to find any clues on his whereabouts despite all of their efforts. It wasn’t fair that the life they had fought for still wasn’t theirs in a way. And most of all, it wasn’t fair that all of this had been for nothing if they were just going to fade away again anyways…

Maybe the Organization and all of those other people had been right after all. Maybe it didn’t matter how hard they tried because Nobodies could never be Somebodies, never live more than a lie after all…

A tear rolled down her cheek.

“Xixi?” Roxas’s voice softened as used her nickname that he only called her by when they were completely alone. Knowing that she might not get to hear it for much longer made more tears streak down her cheeks.

“I don’t want to fade away again, Roxas,” she blurted out sobbing. “I just want to live!” There was so much she still wanted to do, so many unfulfilled dreams… “I just want you to live…” Her voice, already high and squeaky, finally broke.

“Xion, why do you…”

“When you were admitted to the hospital, I felt horrible inside!”, she sobbed loudly, almost yelling even. “Roxas, I was so scared…”

She stopped talking abruptly. Was that what this clenching, almost hurting feeling was? Being scared? Fear?

Before she could think much more about it, she felt the warmth of Roxas’ hand on her own.

“But I’m still here…”

“How do I know you will still be here tomorrow?”, Xion sobbed. “How do I know I’ll still be here tomorrow?”

“Because I don’t intend to go anywhere.”

Roxas’ voice was so warm and calm… So comforting that a new feeling sprouted in Xion’s heart, one that wrapped around her like a warm blanket and somewhat soothed the pressing ache that was her fear. Funny how she could have two seemingly opposing emotions at the same time – was having a heart this complicated for everyone? It could be so difficult to feel…

“Do you want to talk about it?”, Roxas asked.

Yes… No. She didn’t know.

“It might help.”

Maybe. But then again, he had enough to worry about at the moment. If he hadn’t already had the same thoughts as she had, then she didn’t want to put them into his mind by telling him… Even though Xion knew he wouldn’t offer it if he didn’t feel like he could take it.

On the other hand… She had already let some of it slip earlier. Still, she didn’t want to scare him as well. Maybe it was better to talk about something else. Something she knew made both of them feel bad.

“It’s just…” So much for that plan. How was she going to say this without diving into the subject of being scared of dying again “We haven’t found a single clue yet…”

“I know,” Roxas murmured. “That’s why I have to keep trying.”

“You mean we have to keep trying,” Xion corrected him.

Roxas shook his head in response. “Xion, you don’t have to continue if you can’t,” he declared. “If you need a break, then take it…”

She knew he didn’t mean to do that, but this answer sent her over the edge again. More tears ran down her cheek. “But breaks only mean losing more time…” Time they might be running out of. She sighed. “Sometimes I wonder whether we should just give up and enjoy the time we have left as while we can, you know? It’s what Sora would want.”

It’s what he did himself, Xion added in her thoughts. Ironic how he hadn’t given up on two people that were supposed to not exist anymore, but had been quick to accept his own fate (as long as it meant that the people he cared about were safe).

And here she was, suggesting to give up on him, the person who had not given up on them, so they could live their best life. And her reasoning for it? Something he had supposedly wanted… She was so selfish.

Xion wanted to choke. “I’m a horrible person,” she said instead. “After all he has done for us…”

“Please don’t compare yourself to Sora,” Roxas interrupted her swiftly. “He is far too selfless for his own – or quite frankly anybody’s – good. Just look at what it’s done to all of us.” He sounded angry once again now. “When he returns, I’m going to punch him for all of this, I swear! Especially for making you feel bad about yourself!”

And afterwards, he would likely pull Sora into a fierce hug. Xion knew Roxas well enough to know that he couldn’t stay mad at him for…

Before she could finish her line of thought, she felt Roxas wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close.

Xion felt a blush creeping into her cheeks and suddenly there were butterflies in her stomach. Not actual butterflies of course – more like what she imagined actual butterflies would feel like if they were living in her stomach. That was the best way she could describe the tingling sensation.

It was part of a strong emotion, but not unpleasant at all – in fact, Xion liked it. She always got it when they were close like this, although she hadn’t quite figured out what exactly it meant yet.

She hugged him back. Maybe that could squeeze out a bit more of that feeling… He rested his head on hers when she did so, adding to their closeness.

Xion liked their hugs a lot too. They were tight, but in a way that made her feel secure, not trapped. The warmth of Roxas’s body reminded her that they were still here, together and alive – which was so much more than she could ever have dreamed of.

The tears stopped running soon, and her breathing evened out – the butterflies still fluttered though.

It was only after a while that Roxas spoke up again, not letting go of her as he did so. “Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

Roxas pulled away from the hug. He looked pretty serious. “It’s about what you said earlier,” he warned her. “If you don’t want to be asked about that, then I won’t ask.”

To Xion’s surprise, while the feeling in her stomach from before returned as he mentioned it, it didn’t return with the same intensity as before. If it didn’t get any stronger… There was nothing to lose, right?

“It’s fine, go ahead.”

He still hesitated a bit, Xion could tell, but somehow, that made her heart jump a little bit.

“What makes you think we’re going to die again?”

Blunt as always – even when he was trying to be considerate. Had she not been scared, she would probably be amused by it. In any way, it made responding a little bit easier. “I just thought,” Xion whispered, “we owe our existence to Sora. But now that he doesn’t exist anymore…”

Her voice had gotten even quieter in towards the end, and she didn’t manage to finish the sentence. She just… She couldn’t say those words.

Roxas didn’t respond verbally. Instead, he took her hand and laced their fingers together.

Xion sighed. She just wished that he would say something to keep her thoughts from spiraling into that direction again…

“I actually had the same thought a while ago.”

Oh no. That… That wasn’t a response Xion had wanted to hear. Well, at least she didn’t give him that thought in the first place. That was a small relief. Still… Could that mean that it was true?

She swallowed. “When?”

“At the hospital.”

Right… His panic after Ven’s question. That was what started it all.

Roxas was looking at his hands now – with a guilty expression. “I’m sorry for telling you back then… I didn’t mean to scare you like I obviously did.”

Xion shook her head. “Don’t be sorry, Roxas.” She squeezed his hand a little tighter. “It’s not like it was your fault. This entire experience was pretty scary to be honest. For everyone involved.” But it was over. She sighed – somewhat in relief. “You’re okay now, aren’t you?” She had to make sure.

Roxas grinned. “Aside from the headaches, I’d say I am.”

For the first time since her outburst, Xion managed to crack a tiny smile. Only for a small moment though. “You think you… We will be okay?”

“I think we will. It just doesn’t feel like the end of our story and quite frankly, it doesn’t make any sense… Besides, the last time I thought it was going to end it didn’t.” He wasn’t wrong with that. “But the truth is… I don’t really know for sure. And no matter how much I try to reassure myself that it won’t happen… I’m still scared it will.”

It was such an honest answer – and truthfully, Xion shared his feelings about the entire situation. Thinking about it, it made no sense why either of them should fade away again. And yet… Logic and emotion were two different pairs of shoes.

This was probably the scariest thing about the entire situation: they could make assumptions and draw logical conclusions all they wanted – they would never know for sure what was about to come. It was supposed to be the exciting thing about the adventure that was life, Xion supposed, but in this instance, it scared her, even more than the thought of fading again, and almost as much as the thought of losing Roxas did.

“Hey Xion?”

“Hm?”

He squeezed her hand a little tighter. “Whatever happens… I promise, I’ll be here until the end.”

I promise I’ll be here until the end