#Some recent developments in my life where I've let go of things that have burdened me

[grokebaby]

Been thinking about it and honestly I've been feeling like I don't really wanna post about several ocs anymore

[johnsamericano]

𝔖𝔲𝔤𝔞𝔯 ℜ𝔲𝔰𝔥 𝔧.𝔧.𝔥

Hi everyone! As promised, here’s one of the two most voted fic continuations. There will be more chapters to this story though I'm not sure how many yet. Thank you for reading!

warnings: sugar daddy jae, mentions of injuries and hospitals, language.

taglist: @thoreeo @trustmahluv

Sugar rush m.list.

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the quiet hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the quiet hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the quiet hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

The machine monitoring your father’s heartbeat was the only sound filling the hospital room, where your once healthy father laid unconscious, his perfect, chiseled cheeks adorned with cuts and bruises. Would they leave a mark?

Where did everything go wrong?

Your string of thoughts was cut off by a call from your aunt.

Your string of thoughts was cut off by a call from your aunt.

“Hello?” Your voice was raspy from not using it. There was no one to talk to in the quiet, hospital room but the nurses, who weren't especially keen on chatting.

“How’s your dad, sweetie?”

“They let him out of ICU, but he doesn't look good to me.” Your fingers traced the cuts in his chiseled cheeks that would soon turn into scars, ruining his perfect skin. Your eyes then diverted to his head, thoroughly covered in bandages to protect his damaged skull.

“Honey, I've got bad news...”

“They rejected the case, didn't they?”

“Not precisely.” She deeply inhaled before continuing. “It’s a tough case, almost impossible to win, nonetheless, they're willing to take it. But their fee is a little...”

“Expensive.”

“Yes.”

As expected from the best firm in town, they wouldn't take less than $8,000. Your bank account didn't have enough money to even cover half of it, and with your job at the convenience store, you'd only earn so much to cover your expenses.

“We can take the lawyer that the government provides us with, it would be free.”

“But then I'm sure we’d lose.” You groaned in frustration, using your free hand to rub your forehead. “Don’t worry, I'll find a way to get the money.”

“Why don't we just accept the compensation they're offering? It could pay for the hospital bills and you'd still have some left to pay for your tuition.”

“That would be like putting a price on my father's life. I don't want their money, I want them to make themselves responsible for what they've caused.” The sound of wheels approached the door of your father's room, signaling the nurse was outside with his meds. “It’s okay, Auntie, I'll take care of everything. You can go back home, I know my uncle isn't doing so well.”

“Are you sure, darling?” It was undeniable that she wanted to head back to her little ranch fat away from the hectic city life to take care of her sick husband, but still, her brother was laying down on a hospital bed, fighting for his life.

“Yes, I'm an adult, I'll find a way.”

“Take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to call me if you're having any difficulties. I'll be there in the blink of an eye.” She said before sending a kiss into the speaker, proceeding to hang up.

You sighed. It was never usual for you to ask for help, as you were an extremely prideful and independent person, and you doubted this time would be different.

“Don’t worry, dad. Everything will be alright.”

Three failed job interviews and one more to go. Your feet were killing you, the high heels covering them already worn out from walking to avoid taking the bus. Every penny counted, and as long as your legs worked, you weren't spending any more money than what was necessary.

You sat down in the waiting room of the company, massaging your neck to relieve some tension. College was becoming a burden. Maybe you'd take a semester off to focus on working, that is if someone wanted to hire an inexperienced student.

“Y/n, Y/l/n?”

“Here.” You darted up, gathering your belongings to enter the room on which your life almost literally depended.

You gave all the right answers, earning a polite ‘we’ll contact you’ in return. But you could see that they weren't convinced with your lack of experience, no company in their right mind would be.

As soon as you arrived at your apartment, you slid out of the uncomfortable pencil skirt, tucking yourself under the covers with your phone screen almost hitting your nose.

To take your mind off things, you decided to watch some videos. Halfway in, an ad popped up, interrupting the interior deco video you were watching.

A picture of a girl about your age hugging an older man was right in the middle of your screen. Written with fancy letters, the words ‘make your life simpler’ could be read, followed by what you guessed was the title of the app. Sugar rush.

Out of pure curiosity, your finger tapped at the small icon that led to the app store, absentmindedly clicking the download button. A few seconds later, an icon with the letters ‘SR’ was added to your home screen.

“Log in?” You murmured out loud, squinting your eyes to adjust your eyes to the bright, white homepage.

Just as you were about to click out, the phrase from the ad reappeared, stopping your finger from moving any further.

You could always delete your account if something went wrong, right? Nonetheless, you decided to use a false name, and that's how Melanie Kim’s profile was created. You left the circle of your profile picture empty for now, only filling the spaces that asked about your likes, dislikes, age, and all that stuff that people care about so much.

You knew what the app was for, but that didn't stop you from being surprised when a list of men and women of different ages greeted you. Right then, a small rectangle obstructed your sight, two buttons offering opposite things.

‘Pick the role you'd like to develop.’

Sugar daddy/mommy / Sugar baby.

Clearly, you didn’t have nor the money or the years to be the first, so you clicked the opposite button without giving it more thought.

‘Welcome. You've been registered as a sugar baby at Sugar rush. Meet thousands of men and women willing to finance you for free!’

You hummed.

‘As we're always looking to make our users’ experience better, we've developed Sugar Rush premium, a membership to meet the richest and hottest people in your surroundings. Get the premium version for only $5.95 a month. Click here to get Sugar Rush premium.’

Your finger pad was dangerously close to the blue button, almost grazing the screen of the phone. It was then when you were pulled out of your trance, blinking as if just then you'd realized what you were doing.

“I must be crazy.” You turned off your phone, not bothering to turn on an alarm for the next day. You had no interviews left. You had nowhere to go.

Waking up was getting harder with every passing day. Not being able to call your dad to go out for breakfast or even sending a simple good morning message hurt you deeply. You missed him. But seeing him laying down on a hospital bed, unable to do anything by himself, was even worse.

Ding

A notification filled the silence in your room.

‘Come back, you haven't finished setting up your account yet!’

You scoffed at your past self. What were you even thinking when you downloaded the app?

You simply turned off the phone before standing up to take a relaxing shower. As the water soaked up your tense body, your mind started wandering off back to the app. A million what-ifs filled your head, nonetheless, there was one that remained the most persistent.

‘What if this can pay for a lawyer?’

Your part-time job surely couldn't, and you had no one to assist you financially speaking. The whole idea of paying that ridiculous membership seemed more tempting as your fingers started getting wrinkly under the showerhead.

You decided to take some time to consider it, after all, you still had a week to give the lawyers an answer.

Hot soup seemed like a good option to comfort you, and thankfully, there was a store right in front of your place that claimed to sell the best soups in town.

It wasn't bad, but not nearly as good as the one your dad cooked when you were a kid. You sighed, wondering if you'd ever be able to eat it again. Just then, a woman about your age came into the shop, carrying a couple of bags where names of popular brands could be read. A pinch of jealousy made your heart stir as you glanced at yourself through the reflection in the glass at your side. You looked devastated, your skin pale and your cheekbones slightly sunken, a sign of the lack of rest and food you'd been getting.

Out of pure impulse, you pulled out your phone, clicked on the app you'd recently downloaded, and finally accepted the charges for a premium membership.

‘Welcome, new member of our wide community, click ok to get started!’

Well, no turning back now.

Right after pressing the blue letters with your thumb, you were presented with a list of potential prospects, some of them including pictures, some of them only including name and a brief description of what they were looking for. The minority included their ages, but most left the space blank.

A bunch of old men looking for a youthful, pretty woman to be by their sides, some of them even went as far as writing the weight and height their ideal partner should have. Of course, there were also some women in the look for young meat, but the number of men overpassed them.

About to exit the app in defeat, a profile caught your eye. His pale pink hair was parted, allowing his thick eyebrows to stand out. His high cheekbones made him look like a statue, the details in his face almost too perfect for a mere human. He must be the incarnation of a Greek God, you thought.

‘Jung Yoonoh. 41 years old. Owner of N & C.’

“Should I...?” You asked yourself in a voice lower than a whisper.

He has probably gotten hundreds of messages, so what would be the point of sending one yourself? Your eyes scanned the picture over and over again as the remains of your soup started getting cold.

He was probably the only acceptable man in the whole app, so why not give it a try?

You already spent five whole dollars on it, might as well make it worth the money.

‘Hi.’ Sent.

“Holy crap.” You breathed out, regretting every single action that led you to take such a stupid decision. “Ah!” You squeaked as three small dots appeared beside his profile picture, signaling he was writing a reply.

What if he rejected you right from the beginning? God, that would be so humiliating. His message stopped your train of thought.

‘Hi!’

Followed by:

‘How are you?’

Sweating like a pig, thank you for asking.

‘Fine. You?’ Read.

‘Thrilled. No one had messaged me since I created my account two weeks ago.’

‘How is that possible?’ You imprinted your thoughts on a message.

‘It’s hard to trust people nowadays. I guess people might think either my picture is photoshopped or I'm lying about my job.’

‘Their loss, ig.’ Read.

He was taking some time to answer. Had you said something inappropriate?

‘Hahaha.’

The conversation stopped there, as you didn't know how exactly to answer his message. But a few minutes later, another text from him popped up at your chat.

‘If you're okay with it, we can start talking about a possible arrangement.’

Already? You've known each other for like five minutes. But then again, arrangements were the whole purpose of the app.

‘Sure.’

‘May I ask your reasons for joining the app?’

‘I need urgent money, but my job doesn't pay nearly enough.’ You omitted the part of your agonizing father, he didn't need to know that. ‘And you?’

‘I need someone to be my partner at public spaces.’

‘Alright.’ Read.

‘Do you happen to have some free time tomorrow at lunchtime? I think it’d be better to meet first before making any decisions.’

‘Yeah, I'm free.’

‘Great, I’ll send you the address.’

You thought a day would be enough to prepare yourself, but time passed by quicker than usual, and soon enough, it was time to get ready for your meeting with Mr. Jung. He was only a few years younger than your father, and calling him by his first name wouldn't feel right.

Unsure if you should wear something formal, you threw on a beige (the color you'd agreed on wearing so it’d be easier to recognize each other) summer dress, pairing it with the gold hoops you'd inherited from your grandma to make it look more elegant.

The hardest part of your routine was makeup. Your sunken cheeks couldn't be covered, and only after a few layers of blush and highlighter, you could bring your skin back to life.

On your way to the cafe, you went through the things you'd say when you met him. It was your chance to get your father what he needed.

You stood at the entrance with wide, scared eyes, shyly scanning through the place to look for your date.

“Melanie?” A hand on your shoulder had you jolting. “I’m Jung Yoonoh, nice to meet you.”

What you saw after turning around was breathtaking. A handsome, healthy man, with the most beautiful pair of dimples.

“Nice to meet you.” You managed to blurt out without stuttering, extending your hand to make the greeting more formal. The fake name didn’t seem necessary anymore. “It’s actually y/n, I didn't want to use my real name.”

“I understand. Let’s take a seat.” He offered with a kind smile.

He left you seating at the terrace while he made your order, a latte, and a chocolate cookie. Your fingers played with your hoops anxiously, trying to regulate your breath.

“They’ll bring our food in just a sec.” He offered a warm smile. “Your dress is pretty.” Yoonoh said out of nowhere.

“Thank you.”

“I see you're not a chatty person.” You were about to object, but he started speaking again. “It's not a bad thing! I usually talk a lot, so it’s a nice way to balance things.”

You nodded, seemingly uncomfortable with the man sitting in front of you.

“So, uhm, this is my first time doing this, so I'm not really sure where to begin.” He pulled out a folded paper from the front pocket of his dressing pants. “It’s a bit creased, but I can always print another one. I brought it so you could take a look and let me know if you wanted to change anything. I don't mean to pressure you, but you said it was urgent, so...”

You read the paper under his attentive gaze, making sure not to miss a single word. Everything seemed correct, except...

“Six months?”

“Is that too much?” A small wrinkle formed between his eyebrows, a sign of deep concentration. “Okay, so let's do this instead.”

He took back the contract, pulling out a pen from the pocket in his dressing shirt to correct the original stipulations.

“Four months, and if by the end of them you don't absolutely hate me, we can extend the time. Deal?”

“Just one more thing.”

You cleared your throat, conscious that your following words might jeopardize the whole arrangement.

“Are you sure you want to make it official already?” You had to stop for a moment as the waiter left your orders on top of the wooden table. “I mean, it's not that I have a problem with it, but it's your money and maybe you'd like to give it a better thought.” You resumed.

“The fact that you're concerned about me proves I'm making the right choice. Now, tell me, how much would you like to receive as a weekly allowance?”

Would it be too reckless to ask him straight up for the $8,000?

“H-how much are you willing to give me?” You felt dirty, accepting a stranger’s money like that.

“Whatever you need.” His hand suddenly reached forward to yours, causing every ounce of blood in your body to rush to your face. “There’s no need to be embarrassed, I'm here to help you.” His voice tone dropped, acquiring an almost soothing feeling.

“I need eight thousand by Thursday, next week.” His eyes were wide open, mouth having difficulties remaining closed. “I-I know it's too much, but...”

“I can find a way to give you that money, but I'd like to know the reason why you need it. Just to make sure it's nothing illegal.”

You puffed your cheeks, trying to find an excuse good enough to justify the amount of money you were asking for.

“It isn’t illegal, is it?”

“No!” You retrieved your hand from below his, now embarrassed at the possibility of him having a bad image of you. “I need it for my father.”

“I suppose you don't want to talk about it.” He started at his palm, lips pressed in a thin life. “But when it comes to arrangements like this, we need to trust each other, alright?” You barely knew each other, yet, he demanded to know a very personal detail of your life. Not that he didn't have a good reason for wanting to know, it wasn't a particularly small amount of money.

“He had an accident at work...” You started, fearful of looking up to find pity in his eyes. “I need a lawyer to make his company legally responsible. They intend to throw it under the rug and pay a somewhat decent amount of money to make it go away. The firm I intend to hire is supposedly the best in town, probably my only chance of getting justice.”

“And why don't you just accept it? There's no guarantee that your lawyer will win the case.” You fisted the delicate fabric of your dress, eyes watering as you tried to hold back your anger.

“My father’s life is priceless, and if you think what I'm doing is a waste of money, then fine, we can both look for someone else to help us.” It sounded more aggressive than you'd first intended, but you meant every word that came out of your mouth.

Before you could even stand up, his slim fingers had already wrapped themselves around your wrist.

“I never said that.” He whispered with an almost sad tone. “Come on, sit down.”

He tugged at your arm the slightest, showing off his charming dimples once again.

“I’ll give you the money on one condition...” He raised one of his thick eyebrows. “I’ll go with you to see the lawyer.”

“Why...?”

“That’s my condition, take it or leave it.”

“Okay.”

The days before your meeting with your potential lawyer were nerve-wracking. You'd seen Yoonoh another time to sign the contract, which finally made your arrangement official.

You’d visit your father every day, always hoping he'd be sitting with his arms wide open, ready to hug you. But nothing had changed ever since he first came into that room.

“I’m here to see Mr. Kim.” The secretary's gaze lingered on Jaehyun a few seconds before he finally snapped out of it. “Y/n Y/l/n.”

“Just a second.” He opened his agenda and quickly found your appointment. With a warm smile, he guided you through the corridors of the building, all the way to the elevator. “It’s the only office on the last floor, I'll be at my desk if you need anything.”

Once again, he shot Jae an uneasy glance before the metal doors slid close.

“What was all that?” To be honest, you couldn't care less. But a small chat might calm your nerves and prevent you from throwing up all over the place.

“What do you mean?” He grinned, pressing the button to the top floor.

“You know what I mean.” You scoffed, annoyed at his evasive behavior.

“We just happen to know each other, nothing special.” Before the conversation could continue, a loud ding resonated through the metal cubicle. “Let’s go.” His hand found its place at the small of your back, pushing you towards the glass door. Through it, you could see a black-haired man reading a pile of documents, occasionally raising a photo to examine it with his gold-rimmed glasses supported at the bridge of his elegant nose.

Jaehyun extended his arm over your shoulder to knock on the door, earning an almost annoyed ‘come in’ from the man inside.

“Let’s go.” Once again invading your personal space, he reached for the doorknob with you trapped between his arms.

As soon as the door opened, the man raised his eyes from the documents he was checking.

“What are you doing here, Jung?”

“I knew something was off...” You murmured, loud enough for the man at your side to chuckle.

“I brought you a client, you should be happy.”

“Miss y/n, I suppose. Have a seat.” His demeanor completely changed while speaking directly to you. “I spoke with your aunt last week, she explained the details of the lawsuit, but I must say, it isn't an easy case.”

“I know that, but I've been told you're the best firm in town, I know I'll have more possibilities of winning if you're my lawyer.”

“Best firm in town my ass.”

“Be silent or I’ll kick you out of the building.”

That was enough for Yoonoh to zip his mouth. For a while at least.

“I suppose she also told you about our fee.” He pushed his glasses up using his thumb. “We’d also keep 25% of the lawsuit money assuming we win the case, is that okay with you?”

“Yes-”

“Okay, stop.”

“I’ll call security, Jung.”

“Look at me, y/n.” He squeezed your arms. “This clown is trying to scam you...” He pointed his finger at the lawyer without breaking eye contact. “You’d be spending loads of money for someone who isn't even confident in his abilities. It isn't worth it.”

“And I suppose you'd do better than me, then.” The black-haired man scoffed. “If that's the case, then you can both leave. I'm quite busy at the moment.” With a turn of his wrist, he signaled you to leave the room.

You were fuming, stomping out of the building with Jaehyun right behind you.

“I found a great restaurant nearby, we can go there and-”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Calm down-”

“Don’t tell me to calm down when you just fucked up my only chance to give those bastards what they deserve.” The sun was starting to set, yellow light casting shadows over his tender cheeks.

“Can you listen to me for a second?”

“Are you laughing right now?” You bit your lip, hard, trying to hold back the tsunami of tears threatening to come out of your eyes. “Asshole.”

“Ouch.” He furrowed his eyebrows mockingly. Oh, how close you were to punch that pretty face of his. “Can I explain now?”

You remained silent, staring at the ground with the smallest frown between your eyebrows.

“How do you think I know Kim Doyoung?” Before even giving you a chance to answer, he continued. “That son of a bitch has been stealing my clients for ages.”

“Your clients...?”

“He isn't even that good of a lawyer compared to me.” He scoffed with fake arrogance.

“You're a lawyer?!” You slammed your palms into your face, whining at the newly acquired information. “Why didn't you tell me from the beginning?”

“Just wanted to swing by and annoy him a bit. Don't worry, I wasn't gonna let you accept his deal.” He winked playfully.

The sun was now hidden, the sky darkening as the moon rose to take its shift.

“Though I gotta say, I'm kinda offended I wasn't even an option. I'm a pretty great lawyer, you know?”

“Sorry.”

“I’ll forgive you if you join me for dinner. What do you say?”

As you walked into the darkness of the streets, his shoulder occasionally bumping yours, you wondered if meeting him was a casualty. Maybe the world was finally smiling at you.

[awhmilkywey]

burgers and fries | t. carrick |

pairing & genre: tobias carrick x f!mc (ava dahl) — fluffy as hell

warnings: one curse word | english is not my first language

word count: 2.4k

request | prompt | neither | challenge

tags: @usuallyamazinglyaverage ; @perriewinklenerdie ; @cyb3r-kat ; @moonsoltice ; @romewritingshop ; @tsrookie ; @hedwigsbixch

a/n: a special thank you to @usuallyamazinglyaverage @perriewinklenerdie and @cyb3r-kat for allowing me the use of their characters (anna dawson, claire herondale and bianca hemgrove, respectivel) and a bonus to perrie for being generally awesome and helping me out with this fic. You can thank her for the Romeo line!

Ava has a history of flouting protocol to assist her patients.

The machine whirred to life, shooting a steady stream of murky liquid into the small paper cup. Ava skimmed her medical chart while she waited. Her patient was a young adult who came in with severe chest pain and discoloured skin around her calves. The primary doctor wrote down that earlier scans ruled out heartburn as well as pericarditis. She reached for her coffee and took a cautious sip. The blemishes could point towards a blood clot—deep vein thrombosis, perhaps? It could quickly develop into a pulmonary embolism if left untreated.

The nurses' station was relatively quiet when she approached.

“Could you order a lung scan and a chest X-ray for my patient, please?”

Marlene took the chart with a professional nod. Her exhaustion matched her own.

Ava murmured a quiet thank you and tossed her cup in the bin. The results wouldn't be back for a couple hours. If her hunch was correct then she would most likely need to page the surgical department. For now, however, her rounds were finished and she could take a breather.

Her face twisted into a frown as she remembered her bag was still in the conference room. Her confrontation with Harper ensured she had been too uncomfortable to remain there. Ava decided to take the stairs one at a time. Saying she was dreading their next meeting was an understatement. They would need to have a serious conversation with Bloom. Ethan breaching protocol was on him alone. A conversation with Harper was in order as well; earlier she had been caught by surprise but she wouldn't let that kind of treatment stand. Barging in, wrongfully accusing her without any evidence whatsoever, yelling and refusing to believe her even when the culprit was standing right there—Ava wondered when the cool renowned surgeon became an unruly child.

The revelation that Harper still saw her as a reckless intern made her incredibly angry. Her one mistake happened over two years ago and she came forward to shoulder the blame. Ava had grown since then, both as a doctor and as a person. Her near-death experience also served to put things into perspective, to say the least. She would always have the best interest of her patients at heart but she would never again jeopardize her career so foolishly.

That thought brought her back to Ethan. Frankly she didn't recognise him any more. He came back from the Amazon a different man—one she wasn't sure she liked all that much. Their tentative relationship hadn't stood a chance. Him being her attending was difficult enough, then she was facing the possibility of being suspended, and just as she thought they could make it work after all, Naveen promoted her and Ethan was her superior once more. He maintained a painfully professional demeanour around her from there on out. Ava wasn't doing too great during that time.

And when her intern year came to an end, he disappeared. He wasn't answering her calls nor her texts and her trips to his apartment were fruitless. She found out he was out of the country through WHO's Instagram account. She stopped bothering afterwards.

Ava shook her head, red curls bouncing over her shoulders. Dwelling on the past wasn't helpful. Especially when the Ethan from her memories didn't correlate with the Ethan she was currently working with. Her most recent conversations with him left a sour taste in her mouth.

The conference room wasn't as empty as she expected.

“Heading out?” Tobias sent her a warm smile.

“I've some free time to kill.”

He nodded in understanding. “Holding up okay?”

Ava hesitated. It occurred to her that he was the only person she was truly comfortable with on the team. The only one who'd never underestimated her or made her feel lesser.Tobias was the person who either supported her suggestions or countered them with his own logical arguments and used both as teaching opportunities.

“I've been through worse,” she replied, shrugging non-committally.

He scowled. “What Harper did was uncalled for.”

Ava offered him a wry smile. “I have a history, don't you see?”

“Oh you mean the history of being civil to Bloom even though you want to punch his face in?” he asked innocently.

A laugh bubbled up in her chest and he soon followed with his own deep chuckle.

“There's this place downtown.” He sobered up but was still grinning. “One of my favourites, if you want to check it out.”

“What's in it for me?” Ava raised a playful eyebrow.

His eyes darkened, tongue briefly flickering out. “Good music, good books. We could get dinner after.”

Ava swallowed. “Sounds fantastic.”

Tobias' intense look softened. “It's a date,” he said cheekily.

She laughed again and swatted at his arm. “Lead the way, Romeo, before I change my mind.”

Bantering with him was easier than it should've been. Knowing how laid-back he could be when comfortable made her notice more about how he carried himself around the rest of the team. It gave her a small thrill to be able to witness that side of him.

Tobias drove her to a time-worn shop tucked away between a colourful diner and a boarded-up building. An old sign hung over the entrance reading The Starlight Den. The outer walls were covered in messy chalky drawings and splashes of peeling paint, broken crayons and plastic buckets sitting to one side. He laid a hand on her lower back, gently guiding her through the battered wooden door.

“I used to come here all the time as a kid,” he commented, glancing fondly around the shop.

Neutral colours predominated with the occasional vibrant hue flashing here and there. Bookshelves lined the left side, brimming with works from classics to comic books. Customers could settle down on various armchairs and sofas, reading under the light of several dimmed lamps. Ava slid her eyes from the makeshift coffee bar to the vintage posters on the opposite wall. A soft tune drifted from the gramophone in the corner. Neat stacks of vinyl records were arranged in polished boxes in the centre. A counter held several players for general use nearby.

“This is a dream come true,” Ava marvelled, running her fingertips across the book spines.

Tobias hummed, reaching to pluck a comic from the shelf. He presented it to her with a flourish. Spider-Man was holding a man clad in green on the cover.

“First introduction to Spidey. Also the first comic I ever read,” he disclosed, absently thumbing through the pages.

“I didn't know you read comics.”

Tobias cocked his head. “Haven't read them in a long while but they were a big part of my childhood.”

Ava cast a look about. “I can see why you'd like to come here.”

Two teenagers were hanging around a record player, giggling quietly to each other, while a sharply dressed man made small talk with the handsome man behind the register. The overall atmosphere was quite cosy. It felt a bit like home. When she returned her wandering gaze to Tobias, he offered her a knowing smile.

“I have an idea,” he announced with a quick clap of his hands. “We each pick a book and a record for the other. I have a player back at my apartment.”

Ava crossed her arms. “Is this a ploy to get me into your bed, Carrick?”

He raised his palms up in mock surrender. “Absolutely not. Just a ploy to get a pretty woman eating take-out on my couch.”

“From that diner next door?”

“Rosa makes the best burgers and milkshakes in Boston.” He gave a solemn nod, cracking up in the following beat.

Ava contemplated him. “It's a date.”

He lit up with a boyish smile.

She didn't know much about his likes and dislikes given that all their interactions revolved around their work. Browsing the bookcases, she opted to get him a copy of The Little Prince. She remembered her papa reading it to her when she was sick or when grief was heavier than most days. She picked up A Day at the Raceson her way to the counter.

“Don't peek,” Tobias warned after their purchases were done. “I'm going to get our food and then we can head back.”

“I want nuggets.” Ava blushed when her stomach growled.

He patted her head. “As you wish, m'lady.”

Ava watched him walk away, unable to remember the last time she was this happy. Tobias was so carefree. He didn't allow their work to burden him, always trying to finding the silver lining in each case, and refused to let it interfere with his life outside the hospital. It was a breath of fresh air, compared to her previous relationship with Ethan. Tobias was light where Ethan was dark.

The ride back to his flat was mostly quiet. He tapped on the wheel along with the song playing on the radio—she vaguely recognised it as being a new Ariana Grande single. She, on the other hand, was more occupied with staring out the window and trying to control her nerves. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach, making her almost want to throw up. Tobias was undeniably attractive, charming and witty. And they were going to be alone at his place.

Ava choked on air.

He was quick to lay a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, hey, I got you.” At her lack of response, he slid his hand further and began to rub her back, eyes briefly leaving the road to look her over.

“I'm good,” she gasped.

His touch continued to burn her skin until the car was parked in his garage.

Tobias' flat was messier than she expected but not in the dirty sense of the word. It was a sort of organised chaos that breathed life into the walls. The coffee table peeked from beneath a mountain of medical journals, two blankets were thrown haphazardly on the couch with a pillow half-fallen on the carpet, like he had dozed off while reading. The telly was still on as well and she paused to watch Jessica Aniston and Matt LeBlanc acting on the screen.

He steered her towards the kitchen.

“I forgot to clean, sorry.” He seemed unusually sheepish.

“Mine's not much better, believe me,” she reassured him, squeezing his arm. She took the food bags from him and set them on the table. “Kitchen or living room?”

“Living room!” he called out from the pantry, coming out with a package of napkins and a container of assorted candy.

He had stored away the blankets and the pillow by the time she brought the food to the coffee table, journals stashed away in the corner bookcase. Ava noticed that he also changed into a looser tee, his biceps highlighted underneath the artificial lighting. He grabbed their purchases from the shop and turned to her with a bright smile.

“I realised we don't actually know each other that well,” he said, grabbing the book from the bag, “and I would like to remedy that.”

Ava accepted the gift, lips quirking up at the sight of the blue cover. “I've never read The Great Gatsby,” she informed.

His smile widened. “Let me know what you think when you're done, yeah?”

“I got you this one.” God she was nervous. “I, uh—I didn't know what you liked so I figured I'd give you one of my favourites. After my mum died... my dad used to read it to me as a kid.”

Tobias met her gaze and she was surprised to see him so serious. “I—Thank you, Ava. It means a lot that you would share that with me.”

She needed to look away. Was he getting closer?

Her stomach growled again.

“Eat,” he murmured, slowly leaning back. “I'll put the records on.”

He returned to the couch as the beginnings of Dancing Queenfilled the room. Ava beamed.

“How did you know?”

He popped a fry in his mouth. “I may have cheated on this one. Claire told me you were a fan.”

The mention of her friend warmed her heart. “I didn't know you and C were buddies.”

Tobias rubbed the back of his neck. “We're not, not really. I, um, went to ask her how you were after what happened. Anna and Hemgrove were gone already, so...”

His concern sent the butterflies into a frenzy. Ava focused on her burger so he wouldn't see the deep red staining her cheeks.

It was only two episodes into Friends that she noticed the missing fries in her plate. An indignant yelp was muffled by the food in her mouth. Tobias blindly reached for another one but she slapped his hand away, earning her a surprised squawk from the man. Ava made a move for his plate and was stopped when he put his arm between them, lifting the other up so she wouldn't touch his food.

“Oi! That's not fair!” she protested, not realising she was half-sitting on his lap as she tried to get her fries back.

“All's fair when you're hungry, sweetheart,” he retorted, laughing at her worthless attempts.

The loud sound of porcelain breaking was unmistakable. In an effort to get closer, she had pressed against his chest, their bodies practically glued together, and the twist of his wrist weakened his grip on the plate. Ava sunk into him in defeat and promptly peeped as her groin made contact with his.

“Shit, sorry Av—nghh...” He cut off with a strangled moan.

Ava hurried to relieve the pressure of her thigh on his crotch, feeling mortified.

“I'm sorry—” “Wait—” they spoke at the same time, both floundering.

“Just—wait.” Tobias held onto her hips, heaving out a frustrated sigh.

She would never admit to anyone that no, she very much did not want to move.

Except maybe to the girls, who would most definitely grill her tomorrow.

They remained in that exact position for a couple silent moments. Neither sure what to say nor how to act upon the revelation that they were entirely too comfortable physically for two people who were supposed to be just work acquaintances.

Up close, his eyes looked more green than brown. Ava told herself that she had bigger things to worry about.

But it was a pretty colour.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” he quietly confessed. “I have to know, though. Is—is there anything between you and Ethan?”

She let out a shaky breath, touching her forehead to his. “Not since last year.”

He gave a short nod, raising a hand to cup her face. “Could there be anything between us?”

“Why don't you kiss me and find out?” she whispered against his lips.

She felt his smile before he did.

[mimzy-writing-online]

Hey!! I was wondering if you had any advice for a character concept I've been playing with? :) long story short, my character wasn't born blind, but throughout the story she progressively becomes blind from cataracts- cortical vision impairment to be exact. Is this inherently a bad concept? I really don't want to misrepresent this, and the last thing I want is to make people mad about it. Is there a way I should go about this? Thanks!!

Later message from same Anon: Hey! Just following up on my ask of writing a blind character in the Victorian era- sorry if I missed it

Note: in a message between the first and third, anon added that this story takes place in the Victorian era.

You certainly did not miss it, I’ve just been lazy (struggling) with blog maintenance and have been procrastinating answering several asks.  Historical fiction is out of my area of expertise, so this required more research than general advice.

Also, my first and second attempts at an answer were eaten away by computer/tumblr difficulties, so I had to rewrite a lot.

I think it is a fantastic idea to have your character go blind slowly over time. It is also ambitious, so it is something you need to be careful with, but it’s totally doable.

So the era throws me a little because I’ve never had much practice with historical fiction and history wasn’t a fave subject of mine. Most of my research into blind history has been after World War I, because the sudden surge of blinded veterans changed the course of history for the blind community. This and technology overall led to those huge changes.

So I did a little reading up on the recent evolutions of blindness and the world’s general understanding of it in the 1800s.

Conclusion: society was shit with disability, but I already knew that. There were some remarkable inventions and innovations for blindness in this century, which I will get to later.

 So this post will be: 1. The more personal aspects of going blind over time (instead of all at once) such as acceptance vs denial, life changes, and internalized ableism. 2. Speculating on society’s perception of the blind. 3. Innovations for the blind in that era and what comes after.

 So, part one. The Emotional…

As someone who has slowly lost vision over the course of years and has no idea how far this will progress, I can tell you that it’s an agonizing process of realization, denial, understanding, acceptance, adaption.

Realizing you’re going blind comes in small pieces that eventually add up to become a puzzle. And for this reason, adaption follows a similar pattern.

You identify a problem, feel conflicted about this change, wonder if you should ignore or investigate, and regardless of which path you take, you find a new way to adapt.

I’m going to use an example of my process through this, so you can see the actual thought patterns and how they circle between “this isn’t a problem” – “wait this is a problem” – “no I’m fine!” – “this is a problem.” – “I’m fine, what am I complaining for” – “I made this change and now my life is 100x easier??? Who knew? Why didn’t I do this sooner?”

Example from my life: Light is bright. That hurts but I’m fine. I get sunglasses. The pain with bright light is getting worse. Okay, that’s concerning, maybe I should talk to a doctor. Doctor says I’m fine but now I’m thinking I’m not okay. Why are my eyes doing this? Why do I hurt? Oh, and now bright lights at night are becoming a problem, and I get more headaches associated with light. I could wear sunglasses at night and indoors, but society has given me a negative and judgemental opinion of that, so I don’t want to do it. Best friend pushes me to give up on that negative view for the sake of my health. Finally I listen and life feels much better, but I’m still a little uncomfortable with this change. I feel very blind with my sunglasses, but that’s the only way to not feel pain. And now I feel blind when I’m not wearing any light protection, but I’m in pain this way. What’s wrong with me?

And this is just my internal argument with sunglasses and light sensitivity, from age 17-22. On the other side is my struggle with “do I need a cane” from age 21-22, which goes like this-

It’s August and I’m walking through a semi-familiar but gigantic and ridiculously crowded park with a group of friends. It’s bright out and I need to wear my sunglasses. And now I’m realizing there is a dilemma. I can’t see. My sunglasses are too dark to see. But going without is painful and just as bad vision wise. BUT I CAN’T SEE! I’m scared, I’m going to run into someone or something, I’ll get lost or separated from my friends and not be able to find them. I can’t see curbs or pillars or people and the only thing keeping me safe is holding onto K, who knows my current vision situation when no one else does

And I think to myself- this day would be so much easier if I had a cane.

But I haven’t needed one before, and I don’t ‘normally’ need one. Just every time I go outside on a sunny day. I don’t need it all the time, so I can’t have one, I’m fine.

But these things keep happening, where I’m outside and terrified but I think I’m still “sighted” and my only problem is some light sensitivity and not-super-great sunglasses. My glasses let me see 20/20 (or they did, which they did not a year later) so I definitely don’t need a cane at all.

Young past self, you were so wrong. You needed that.

Eventually I had a breaking point when one year later I’m seeing 20/50 with best correction (so, by legal definitions I’m not even visually impaired yet) but I’m terrified of leaving my house and can’t travel alone and am a literal danger to myself because I can’t see and can’t tell people I can’t see because of social anxiety and internalized ableism-

And the breaking point was that I finally got seriously hurt because I was in a situation where I couldn’t see and wasn’t brave enough to ask my current company to be a sighted guide. That’s the day I ordered a cane, and when it came two weeks ago, I finally remembered what it’s like to not be so terrified for my life every time I left my home.

Your character will over time find problems with her daily life that she didn’t have before, and she’ll deal with each one individually, but with all of them will usually be a repeating thought pattern that is unique to her. It depends on her internalized ableism and society’s ableism (and that era is full of it) and accommodations available to them at the time (also not great).

She’ll solve each problem at a different point that may coincide with other problems and yet still seem like entirely separate problems to them. Like how I wouldn’t relate my need for sunglasses and my need for a cane at the same time because they felt like separate battles to me with their own timelines and similar but still different thought processes.

You will have to decide on a case by case basis what accommodations or accessibility she can have at that time.

 Society’s view on blindness:

It’s shit.

It’s not great now, in the world of information available at your fingertips. It’s desperately worse in history.

 (TW: abuse of disabled people mentioned -thoroughly- in the next two paragraphs)

Everyone with a disability was treated like shit. Sensory disabilities (Deaf or Blind or Deafblind people) and mental illness were treated the worst. There is historical religious persecution against them, saying that they were made ill by the devil or a vengeful God. Which lead to abuse. They were seen as helpless or unproductive, defective, and so were treated as burdens upon their family and society. Because of this, abuse from parents and family members was horribly common for disabled people. Disabled people were often left in asylums by their family members because they were seen as a burden, where there was usually still more abuse to come.

There are still children with disabilities who are abused by their parents, families, care givers, or any facility they’ve been placed in. The cases of abuse are less, but by no means over.

 Ableism in general is just rampant and it’s only cured through the distribution of information. Most people (today) have never met a blind person in real life, had a conversation with one. Through the internet they can find information, but in pre-internet and media eras I can’t imagine how much ignorance runs about.

Most people think blindness is something that only happens with old age, birth defects, or tragic accidents. Or that blindness is obvious in a person. Not the case, as we both know, but certainly a cause for many misunderstandings.

 This section is where the development of technology and understanding of blind people begins, but there’s still some ugly history involving abuse of the disabled to come.

Technology and History

 (TW: abuse towards historical disabled people in next paragraph)

In 1785 the Institut National des Jeunes Aveugles, the world’s very first school for the blind was established in Paris, France. It was opened internationally to children who society had previously deemed unteachable. Valentin Haüy witnessed acts of bullying and cruelty done to blind hospice patients and it inspired him to attempt teaching a blind beggar. He taught the boy to read through raised letters (because Braille was not yet invented). The school he founded could better be described as a trade school, because its primary purpose was to teach work skills like letter press and weaving (going back to Valentin’s childhood, whose family worked as weavers)

Due to criminal activity (he was labeled as a terrorist related to the French Revolution and was a member of the Panthéon Club) he was forced to leave the school in 1802. He later moved to Russia (1806) and began a new school upon the request of Alexander I of Russia.

(TW: child abuse mention in next paragraph)

After his leave, the school had a change in leadership and location, and subsequently quality. Sébastien Guillié became the new director and was later forced to leave because of the inhumane conditions of the facility and welfare of the children. Those children lived in a French Revolution prison that was refurbished as an asylum/school for their education. It was cold and dirty. They were kept in the dark, only allowed to bathe once a month, and poorly fed. This went on until 1821 when he was forced to leave.

Louis Braille (the inventor of Braille) was a student of the school until Guillié’s reign of terror.

The school was later moved to Boulevard des Invalides, and it remains there today. Information with this school is hard for me to access. It doesn’t have the prettiest history, so I can only speculate how much was left out of the books to save the school, and what information I could access is in French.

However, back to Braille.

Braille was invented by Frenchman Louis Braille in 1824. Before his invention, he was taught to read through raised lettering, and he concluded that raised lettering was impractical because-

1.       It is difficult to read, the letters had to be printed in huge font to be fully felt out and printed on thick paper.

2.       Thick paper means higher quality, more expensive. Larger font means more paper is needed for a single text.

3.       This made it inaccessible due to expense and the sheer volume of a text.

4.       If today’s Braille books are hard to access and giant compared to traditional books, I can’t imagine how inaccessible those raised letter books really were

 Five years later The Perkins School for the Blind was founded in America, making education accessible to blind and deafblind children, and this time it focused on reading and mathematics, more education than trade school.

Though it would not have been possible for your character to attend the school herself, it could be possible that she became acquainted with a teacher or former student of either school, who might have passed on some O&M skills to her or some not so pleasant tales.

Side note: the Perkins Brailler (a typewriter machine for Braille) was developed by a wood working teacher at the Perkins School for the Blind – in 1951, so not applicable to your character’s time period, but I didn’t know this, so I must info-dump

 This is before the eugenics movement of 20th century America, when the belief that people with “poor breeding” should be prevented from breeding. The eugenics movement targeted not only the disabled, but lower class and people of color.

  The white cane as an accessibility tool was not “discovered” until the 1930’s by Philip Strong, who painted his walking stick white to make himself more visible. This piece of history is a little flimsy in my opinion. Techniques are discovered and lost and rediscovered all the time. You can’t prove he was the first person to “wave a stick” in front of him to find obstacles.

But he is credited for making the white cane something that could be a standard identifier to tell people (moving obstacles) “hey, I’m blind, don’t hit me with your loud vehicle” and made a movement of other people getting white canes to identify themselves.

I very much thank him for it, seeing as I’m so sighted-passing sometimes. If white canes weren’t standard everyone-must-know-what-this-means sort of thing, I think people would just watch me “wave a stick” around and think I’d lost my mind.

(TW: suicide of disabled character mention in next paragraph)

So when you see something like in Downton Abby (season 2) when Thomas and Sybil are trying to teach a blinded soldier how to use a cane to navigate… it could be possible, something that actually occurred to some people then. Although, now that I think about it, that character killed himself by the end of the episode and that still upsets me.

Downton Abby got the period-typical ableism right, I will give them that. Both the internalized ableism as well as how strangers treat you, they got that right. What they did to their disabled characters still bothers me (i.e. death and cure subplots)

(TW has been lifted, you made it past.)

But with World War 1, there was a huge number of blinded veterans entering the world and that did make way for big changes in the world of blindness-

Within a few decades guide dogs were being trained, white canes were becoming a thing, Schools for the Blind were thinking, “hey, maybe we should teach adults these skills too!” and life continued on until it eventually reached out modern world. Which, not applicable to your era, but I think it’s important to know what wasn’t available or common knowledge for your character.

If anyone has other information about historical fiction, the Victorian era, and historical ableism and disability, please feel free to reblog with your input and I’ll reblog it.

As always, this post can be found on my blog through the tags: reference, blind character, historical fiction

[starwesker]

Cassette tape: rockin love

Request by @littleraton:Hi! How’re you? Good, I hope. (if not, I hope you feel better ❤️) [i might be rambling, sorry] I was hoping that you could write a fic of either the reader or dean confessing to the other w/a cassette mix they made (either when they’re alone in the impala or the bunker) thank you 🎃❤️❤️

Pairings: Dean Winchester x Reader

Warnings: LOTS OF FLUFF LIKE VERY FLUFFY, all in Dean's POV

An: there will be a short author's note at the end...

~

Dean's POV

There's this girl that I've known for about 5 years. She would help us on hunts, my brother and I would return the favor. Then there were times when she would come to the bunker needing assistance or to be healed, and once she was healed she would leave, she would leave in the middle of the night when we are asleep leaving notes on the library table saying 'I will see you soon boys don't miss me too much' she would leave little notes like that for us to see.

I would be lying to myself if I didn't say that I miss her because I miss her so damn much. I have never developed feelings for someone in a long time, every time I see her come to the bunker and she's hurt my heart breaks a little inside and I'm the one who cares for her, Sam was there just to help if I wasn't there. When she leaves it crushes me, I just want her to stay, I miss her, call me being overprotective but I hate it when she's out there by herself. I know she can take care of herself because damn that girl is a badass and that's one of the reasons why I fell in love with her and why I need her to stay.

There she was again...

My phone ringing and her caller ID coming up with a picture of her and I together leaning against baby, I loved that picture it was the only picture I have of us together. He remembers that day like it was yesterday, after a successful hunt they went out to go get burgers and Sam was getting the food when he couldn't resist the moment so he secretly took a picture of us and it was perfect. I was in mid laughter while y/n was smiling and looking at me with admiration. When I was done reminiscing about that day I immediately answered the phone.

I barely even had time to say hello before I heard her voice.

"Hey Dean, you're gonna hate me right now" she spoke softly, her voice was hard to understand.

"What happened Y/n?" I asked.

She sighed before she spoke, "I was hunting some vamps and I thought I could handle it on my own and I kinda did but I'm seriously injured again" she winces as she spoke.

I was furious that she got herself hurt again but I sighed and told her I would go and get her.

"Ah there's my hero, but hurry please Dean" She hung up, sending him her location.

I told Sam where I was going and he insisted in going with me but I told him no. Then he got a smirk on his face, I knew what that smirk was. I stopped him before he said anything.

"No not yet Samny, I will but I need find the right time and its not the right time" I smiled at Sam and he nodded.

"Call if you need anything" Sam yelled as I left.

When I got to her she was sitting outside blood everywhere I didn't know if it was hers or the vamps. Then when I got closer I knew it was hers.

"Y/n?" I called her name, she opened her beautiful (y/e/c) eyes.

"Dean my knight in shinning armor has come to rescue me" she winced as she spoke.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Its a long story, can you just take me back to the bunker please I'm bleeding out here for god's sake Winchester" She yelled but winced once again.

"Sure thing my lady" I said while picking her up slowly and carefully.

"I'm not your lady Winchester and just hurry to the bunker" she smirked.

I just smiled and thought to myself not yet you aren't but you will be. I carried her into my car making sure she was comfortable in the backseat.

When I arrived at the bunker I immediately tended to her wounds like I always do and make sure shes ok and that she has everything she needs.

There's one thing that still needs to be said but that can wait till she gets some rest.

While Sam and I are looking at possible cases she wakes up and makes her way to the library.

"Hi Sam, Hi Dean" She spoke out softly.

Sam smiled and said hi back she sat in the chair next to Dean.

"What are you guys doing?" She asked.

"Researching" Sam spoke, "well I am Dean might be looking at porn again" Sam chuckled,this made Y/n giggle. I love her giggle, scratch that I love everything about her.

"So, Y/n I need to ask you something" I cleared my throat softly as I spoke.

"What is it Dean?" She leaned back in her chair looking at me.

"Sam and I have discussed this recently" I spoke softly. She nodded and gestured me to go on.

"We think you should stay here with us in the bunker and once you get better you can help us on hunts and you can always help us" I felt like I jumbled my words all together.

"I don't want burden you guys" She said.

"Y/n, you are not going to burden us" Sam chimed in. She looked at me for my answer and she knew but my look I wanted her to stay. She thought about it for a while before agreeing that she would stay.

A month had passed by and she was still here it has been amazing having her here but there's one problem. My love for her has only been growing, Sam knew about this he could tell. He kept telling me that I needed to confess to her. I just waved him off like I always do or ignored him.

Then it wasn't until the day I saw her wearing one of my flannels. She looked amazing it, there were so many inappropriate thoughts going through my head and I couldn't stop any of them.

I cleared my throat before I spoke, "sorry if I scared you but that's my flannel" I smirked.

"Oh really I didn't notice, it's quite comfy" she smiled and winked.

I really wanted to bend her over the table in the library and... my mind really needed to stop.

As months passed by the feelings for Y/n only escalated and I needed to confess to her but I've never been good with my words, so I had to think of something to come up with to help me confess not feelings for her. I thought about so many ideas and I even talked to Sam about it. Then it came to me I knew what I was going to do.

I spent hours making this for her, I made her a cassette tape with songs that would maybe have a clue to how much I love her. This would be perfect for her, she appreciates classic rock songs just as much as I do. That is another reason why I fell so deeply in love with her.

Now its just taking her to a secluded area somewhere either here in the bunker or I could take her somewhere in the impala. I think the impala would be the best things because Sammy doesn't approve of our choice of music.

A day later while we were sitting at the library trying to find a case, I made eye contact with Sam to make sure its ok if I take off with y/n. He smiled and knew he was ok with that.

"Y/n,me and you let's go get some food" I smiled, while grabbing my jacket that was hanging on the chair.

She got up without hesitation and we were off. As we were driving I was very silent, that's because I had to plan out how I was going to do this how I was going to show her the cassette tape I made for her.

"Dean? Are you ok?" I heard her say.

"I'm peachy, sweetheart" I winked at her, I saw the light shade of pink that crept on her cheeks as she smiled at me.

As I was driving, I realized I had no exact destination to where I was going. Until I saw a dirt road on the right side of the road so I turned down the road, I had explored with Sam once. Just to make sure it was a perfect place.

The night was beautiful, this reminds of all the times her and I were talking about everything on the hood of the impala. It was perfect the stars above us shining brightly, the moonlight shinning down on us and the city lights over the cliff a beautiful sight, this was the perfect area. Once I saw this place I knew it was the perfect place.

"Dean why are we here?" She asked me.

"We are here because it's a beautiful night and I wanted to share this with you. I took out the cassette tape and put it into the cassette player in the impala.

The first song that played was Lady by Styx

I knew this song was perfect for her because of how perfect the lyrics are and how much they relate to her.

'Lady from the moment I saw you standing all alone'

'You gave all the love that I needed'

Her eyes lit up as soon as she realized what I had done.

"Dean.." she gasped.

"Y/n, I'm in love with-" before I could finish my sentence she crashed her lips into mine, her kiss was soft and delicate.

As the next song played Whole lotta love by Led Zeppelin

This song couldn't be any more better than this moment because this moment was the best of my life. As she stopped, resting our foreheads against each other.

"I'm in love with you too" She smiled and kissed me once more.

This moment was the greatest I couldn't be more happier in this moment alone.

"Do I get to add to this cassette tape you made or no?" She asked.

I smiled, "you can add any song you want I won't judge you" I kissed her again.

Nothing can ruin this moment or be any more better.

~

An: so I'm finally on summer break but I'll be moving so I'll be busy but I will get to writing much more now and sorry this took so long Finals really kicked my butt... I'm done now so keep those requests coming. I put songs in here if you wanna listen to them but I hope you enjoy this i tried my best

[thelittlepalmtree]

I hate this because it's like how dare you not immediately skip to being perfectly healthy all the time. How dare you make a decision that is going to reduce harm instead of fix the problem. How dare you be susceptible to the constant trauma that we put on people. How dare you let that shape your ideas of beauty and who you are. Like first of all people do develop their own definition of hot. Many of the people that I see on social media especially queer folks do not look how conventional beauty standards would say they should. But many of them say I am hot I look hot right now. Because you do develop your own idea of what is beautiful and as you start to unlearn some of these ingrained social norms you will develop a definition of hot that fits your own person more. And also just so much of what we consider to be hot is style and fashion and that is like practically art so sorry to break it to you. Like you can be hot and it had no bearing on the body that is under your clothes you can be hot just because of the clothes that you wear because they look really cool.

And then when we talk about things like surgery, of course surgery is not always the best option for people. Personally I cannot see myself being in a healthy headspace and electing for plastic surgery. But in the head space I am in now where I have been taught to hate my body I would choose surgery if I could afford it tomorrow. Like there are many ways in which we teach people that hate their bodies and I don't understand why it's so bad to just change the body to let that person move on. Like yeah the reason people bullied you for your nose having a bump on it for your whole life is because of anti-Semitic racist beauty standards but that doesn't mean that you weren't bullied for your entire life. And maybe it does mean that every time you look at your face you are traumatized by The Bullying that happened. I mean every single person I've met that's gotten a nose job has been a million times happier loves their nose. Who am I or you to say that that change in their day-to-day life is awful? Who are you to pass judgment on something that improves someone's mental health and day-to-day life?

Like this post is so cruel to people's lived experiences. And I mean also the burden of beauty and beauty standards are put on women and afab people so I feel like it is very sexist to be like well we should just all be perfect and never be susceptible to horrible beauty standards. I mean I learned recently that a lot of the features that I hate about myself actually come from my Egyptian grandmother because I look just like her. It's like looking in a mirror. And a lot of the things that I did not like about myself actually come from my ethnic Heritage and I didn't even know that. But that did not heal all of the trauma that's been done to me from being treated like my body is an enemy I still hate my body. And if I could afford access to surgery then maybe I wouldn't anymore maybe that would be a legitimate treatment for me to not hate my body anymore. And even if I can just feel hot for a minute because I put on a dress or I wear shapewear or something that is very important to me that is invaluable to me. Because I am in a constant state of hatred of my body. So any moment where I can feel confident in my physical being is really important to me. And I know that like maybe the most healthy wonderful thing is body neutrality but I don't think that step one I think Step 1 is love for your body and then you can move on to neutrality.

At the end of the day you do need to undergo psychological evaluations before you do elective surgeries like this. And the decisions that someone makes for their own body is between them and their doctor and their own selves. If this is how you need to see it to get past your own Journey that's fine. If you're able to find comfort in the fact that beauty standards are largely arbitrary and lean towards racist I'm happy for you. But for some of us that isn't always enough to help us to connect with and love our bodies or even just get the most use out of our bodies.

let’s say that being hot as a form of empowerment for all women could even be a thing. let’s say it’s possible to look hot for yourself and not for men. where did your idea of hotness come from? why is it important to you to look hot? who decides what’s hot? why must you change something about yourself or cover something about yourself to get hot? what makes you not hot at your most unmanicured state? why? how did you know what to do to get hot? do the people around you view hotness in the same way?

[iturbide]

Your Grima headcanons are awesome! Can I ask especially since they seem different, how he'd interact with Corrin. They're my main dragons and work really well together team wise so I've always been really curious if he'd get along with her at all. I do feel whether she sided with Hoshido or Nohr might make a little bit of a difference so since the girl is associated with Nohr for the sake of this question a Nohrian Corrin, but you can do both too if you prefer!

F!Corrin

From the outset, Grima has been quite fond of her.  She struggles in a sort of liminal space between childhood and adulthood, on one side smothered by her protective Nohrian siblings (especially Camilla) who treat her as a child that can’t take care of herself, on the other crushed beneath the burden of leadership as she heads an army against the Hoshidan family she chose to side against.  Even here in Askr, she’s still struggling to grow into herself and her role, which is a feeling he knows all too well, and the fact that he can see so much of his own early self in her draws him to watch over her in hopes of keeping his fate from becoming hers (since he knows from experience that it only ends badly).

Oftentimes he treats her as something of a younger sister, though not in the same way that Xander and Camilla do: he will offer advice when asked (sometimes prompting her with a question if she seems to be struggling with the thought of asking herself, but never offering unsolicited guidance), let her try things and either praise her if she succeeds or encourage her to try again if she fails, and only get involved if there’s a real, immediate danger to her safety or her life.  He affords her room to grow in the way that she chooses, and she appreciates that consideration, sometimes going to him over her Nohrian siblings when she has a problem because she knows that he’ll only offer suggestions and guidance rather than taking over outright. 

Having seen how she will often pat the Summoner and smaller Heroes on the head, Grima at one point after a battle repeated the gesture on her along with a word of praise.  It took her completely by surprise, and there was a moment where he thought he might have made a misstep – but once she realized what he was doing, she couldn’t stop smiling.  Given how well she reacted to it, it’s now become his primary means of showing approval. 

While Corrin has certainly talked a lot about her family, she never explicitly mentioned that she had a child of her own, and things got tense after M!Kana’s arrival.  While Corrin had always seemed somewhat naive and immature, the choices she made for her son were deeply disappointing to him, and he did not hesitate to lay out exactly how he perceived her actions.  While she had meant well with her actions – trying to quell the war as soon as possible so that she could ensure her son would have a safe and happy life – the more she looks at her son now, the more she realizes that she made a mistake. 

While she hadn’t initially spent a lot of time with the creche, with Kana’s arrival she spends more of her spare time helping out where and how she can with the kids, as well as taking quality time with her son.  She’ll take him around the castle and introduce him to other Heroes, play with him and encourage him to just have fun rather than try to grow up…and while she’s still worried that she’s not doing enough, that she’s not really ready to be a parent, Grima has recently resumed patting her approvingly on the head, which at least reassures her that she’s on a good track. 

M!Corrin

While M!Corrin is also stuck in that liminal space between childhood and adulthood, one one side overprotected by the family who only knew him in his forgotten youth and on the other forced into a leadership role as he fights against the only family he can remember.  He struggles far more with it, trying to prove that he’s an adult and should be treated as such (while unfortunately slipping into some rather childish tendencies without meaning to)…and ironically, Grima sees that behavior as a true sign of his immaturity, but chooses to neither encourage nor discourage it, instead watching over him and doing what he can to ensure that Corrin does not suffer the same fate that the fell dragon once did. 

Much like F!Corrin, M!Corrin’s naivete and immaturity lead Grima to treat him as something of a little brother, though not in the same stifling way that Ryoma and Hinoka do.  He tends to be more visibly assured than F!Corrin when it comes to making decisions, but he can be somewhat stubborn in forging ahead even when things aren’t going the way he intended.  Grima has no intention of discouraging that – Corrin’s choices are his own to make, after all – but should the dragon prince have need of counsel or need assistance, Grima is often close by to lend whatever insight he can without taking away Corrin’s autonomy. 

M!Corrin might feel frustrated about the way his siblings coddle him sometimes in the way they protect him, but he’s taken it quite deeply to heart, and strives to protect others as best he can.  He can get a bit too focused on that, though, and forget to protect himself – but Grima will often handle things that Corrin might have overlooked, making no comment but accepting the prince’s praise with a vague smile and a nod of his head.  While he would certainly trust his siblings to watch his back as effectively, Corrin trusts that Grima won’t harp on about the mistake, letting him recognize it without turning it into a scolding. 

While Corrin has talked at length about his family, he never explicitly stated that he had his own child, and F!Kana’s arrival on the scene added a great deal of tension to the relationship.  Corrin has always had the best of intentions for his daughter and wanted nothing but her happiness and her safety, free from war and conflict: in his mind, the choices that he made were for her benefit, not to do her harm (though it doesn’t change how it affected her).  Grima’s cold assessment of his choices is something that both shocks and hurts Corrin, and the fact that Grima refuses to give ground in spite of the prince’s attempts to defend himself only made him angry.  The argument ended on bad terms, and Corrin still bristles at any reminder of the fell dragon’s words. 

As much as he hates to admit it, though, he can’t deny that Grima may (at least in part) be right: Kana may put on a brave face, but the more time he spends with her the more he realizes that it’s just a facade to make her appear brave, while deep down she’s frightened of finding herself alone.  More and more he’s stepping up and trying to be a father, rather than a fighter…and when he catches Grima watching them with a subtle little smile, he thinks he may really be on the right track after all. 

[therenaissancemystic]

Womb Priestessing

To my sister priestesses who work with the wombs, how did you remember?

I was a priestess initiate at the time and while we did give our wombs some love, it was by no means like the ways in which I work with wombs. It was more of a point of focus for meditation and just a general loving up on our magical lady organs.

I was in meditation and I was laying on my yoga mat which had the flower of life pattern all over it. It was a guided meditation with AA Kristiel/Christiel. My intuition then led me down my own path during this guided meditation. All of a sudden I was at an altar space in what appeared to be a private prayer room. There was a BIG crucifix hanging above the altar and I felt all this ooey gooey sexual energy rising. Mind you, I've never been religious and I never really felt connected to religious figures. I had only recently come to understand Jesus and Mary Magdalen as ascended beings, not just religious props.

I hear my guidance tell me that my womb had been sanctified, that I was holy space. I of course was trying not to judge my guidance, because feminine shame and sexual trauma would not allow me to believe such things at the time. So I continued on my way through this meditation. Where I felt like I was releasing sexual energy that didn't serve me, which was amazing. I don't tend to get aroused during meditation so this was odd for me.

I came to understand that sometimes sexual energy stimulates us physically even when the mind isn't in agreement. Very similar to when sexual abuse victims still orgasm during an unsolicited sexual act, the body does it's thing, the mind quite honestly can be in complete and total disagreement.

So I had this major release of what felt like decades of sexualization, abuse and so on. Each time I revisit this event I see something with a bit more perspective. There was this merging of energy, it felt like my past merging with the present in regards to this line of healing. I spent the rest of the time exploring my womb and what my womb meant to me. Mulling over what it meant that my womb was sanctified, that I was holy space.

I recall a few days before I asked my grandfather to get me some holy water from church, I wanted to use it to clean my altars and such. When I was done, I went downstairs and he found some Holy water that belonged to my grandmother, it came from the Saint Anne shrine in Quebec. Saint Anne is the Mother to The Virgin Mary.

I didn't really know of Saint Anne, I never heard of her. It dawned on me, although I did not grow up with religious indoctrination, I still as an adult admired saints and often felt like one of them. Not for the attention but for the marriage to my craft, my healing work. A saint in my eyes doesn't have to be religious but someone dedicated to helping others in an unconditional way.

I wondered why I had been presented with her energy and why during my mediation I was taken to a religious altar. Then it dawned on me, Jesus was my grandson. I had birthed his mother. So many times in my life I had felt pregnant without trying to become pregnant, medical knowledge was of no help to me. I'd believe I was having a chemical pregnancy if I was actually trying to conceive but if you know me, you know that's not the case. I have never TRIED to conceive.

I was taken back to a dream I had a few years prior, I was visiting this house which is not one I recognize and there were a whole bunch of people there. I'm assuming it was a small town just outside of a big city because buildings began to fall, there was fire raining down from all the destruction and everyone began panicking. I was not panicking, me and my little fur baby Niall were walking around quite calmly. I was looking for the "holy grail" This small dark haired boy appeared. He didn't belong to anyone and wasn't at the least bit effected by the outside commotion. I told him I was looking for the holy grail. I entered a room full of books, I opened one book and there was sort of gruesome religious imagery. Plague, leprosy and all around horror. I closed the book and put it down.

I left the room and looked around again, found nothing. Then I went back to the room with the books and he followed me. I picked up a book that had a deceptive sleeve on it. It appeared to be a book about fairies but it wasn't and I never got to read what was on the inside because when I tried to walk out with it, he stopped me dead in my tracks, and told me "you can't have this without the fetus, you have to have the fetus". There was a pregnant woman running around in horror outside due to all the destruction and he waved his little finger around and placed her fetus into my womb. That was the end.

Admittedly I woke up in shock. I didn't know how to take that information. Over time I realized that while I may not have ever given birth in this reality, there are other pockets of time and space where I am a mother and I have given birth to children. Which explains the overwhelming sensation of being pregnant even when I'm not. It was there that I felt in tune with myself in a vastly different way. There have been several times I've felt this way since. I believe being a mother is an activation of your womb space but what you are activating at the time of conception is whatever lives in the parents DNA currently.

I've continued to tune into what the womb space carries for me, I connect to and with divine feminine beings who tended to the sacred work of the womb, Hathor, isis, Mother Mary, Mary Magdalen, Quan Yin and more. I've come to understand the womb as an oracle. It is a portal to other worlds, to other realms, it creates or destroys life. It's not just something that brings us money when activated, that is reducing yourself down to a financial construct. Your womb space is a portal that only we can access and when we let distorted, traumatic or low vibrational energies remain in this space, we taint our portal. We experience disconnect from this space, we continue to experience a disconnect from our truth.

I've been held in a temple with divine feminine figures, encoded with beautiful energies and have been reborn in their imagine. Energetically, I've died and risen so so so so many times. We have to take time to understand ourselves, where we stand in relation to our womb space.

Much like making a baby, things take time to gestate, to build, to develop, to manifest. We are all so busy trying to use our womb as a cash cow that we overlook the potential for spiritual insight and healing that comes with it. There are women who make 7 figures who are still in abusive relationships so don't let anyone tell you that 7 figures equals a clear sacral center, it's just not true.

Over time I've been able to develop and build upon a craft that is intuitively channeled through me, it doesn't feel like a learning, it feels like a remembering. I've come to understand what sexual energies are innocent, which have a gross distorted undertone to them, where predatory energies seek to be housed in our wombs, where we ourselves make excuses for the things we give our energy over to and how we have an over reliance on them. How we sexualize people subconsciously, how to connect to their sexual energy without their permission and crate more karmic energy for ourselves.

I've also learned how to use my womb almost as a radar for sexual energy that needs healing. When dealing with women or men who carry a lot of lower vibrational sexual energy, I get cramps. I can tell they're carrying pain, burdens, guilt and shame there. I can pick up on energetic remnants of children who were just not meant to be at that time. Sometimes eggs are fertilized but never properly implanted into the uterus and their energy gets trapped there.

I've learned so much over the years by exploring myself and my clients. I love what I do and every day I'm so honored to be of service in this way. There is going to be a stronger pull this year towards working in the womb since I have Pluto, Venus, Vesta, Vertex, Mercury and Partof fortune all in my 8th house in my solar return chart. I will have a deeper and profound connection to the womb this year. I have a Gemini stellium in my 8th house. I keep being called to call Gemini energy like a bridge between worlds. This will all be within the realm of womb healing and how I utilize it as a portal.

If you stuck with me this far, YOU A REAL ONE! I hope this gave you some insight into where I've come from and what I'm about.

[the-record-columns]

July 31, 2019: Columns

Peaches, possum, and home grown tomatoes...

                                                     Homegrown tomatoes, homegrown tomatoes,  

                          What'd life be without homegrown tomatoes,

                                Only two things money can't buy,

                             That's true love and homegrown tomatoes.

By KEN WELBORN

Record Publisher

    What a great weekend.

   Yes, it was hot, but not oppressively so, as it had been earlier in the week, and there so many things to do and enjoy that were just plain fun.

   Just to mention a few, let's start on Friday evening.  One of my favorite regular events is the music of Doug Davis and Friends at the Hardee's on 421 in Wilkesboro.  They just wander in, take a seat and join in with whoever is already there and  15 minutes later,  you would think they had been playing together for 15 years.  This past Friday's crew, at least for the time I was there, included Don and Lee Ann Bowling, Jason Young, Jamie Prevette,  Glenn Wood, Joe Price and Lindsay Ham.  Lindsay, who can play about anything and play it well, treated those gathered to his rendition of "I've Got 5 Pounds of Possum in My Headlights Tonight," to everyone's delight.  A little country, a little bluegrass, a little gospel, and a lot of fun is available every Friday night when these folks get together.

   Then, on Saturday morning at the Farmer's Market in North Wilkesboro, the Master Gardner's group had their annual Tomato Tasting with over 30 varieties of tomatoes available.  Young and old alike enjoy this event and Saturday's edition was no exception.  An aside, quite often Linda Cabe and Chad Ritchie come and play music at Saturday's market, being dubbed by yours truly as The Marketplace Players.  This past Saturday, they were joined by Ferguson's own Sharon Underwood who played her guitar and sang with them.  As I was visiting with them, Sharon broke out in the chorus of "True Love and Homegrown Tomatoes," a great old  tune I had forgotten about. All in all, it was a great market —good for vendors, good for visitors.

   After the Farmer's Market, I went over to Wilkesboro for the inaugural Peach and Heritage Festival put on by volunteers from the Brushy Mountain Community Center.

   When I first got to town, I knew I was going to have a good day because I saw Ann Graves and Marilyn Payne sitting on Ann's porch across from the old Smithey Hotel.  I stopped, sat on the swing with Ann enjoying some of her Ketle Korn, and watched the folks stream in for the festival.  I kidded them that they were the perfect pair to be "greeters" for those coming in because they have neither ever met a stranger.

   Once I got up to the Commons area, I found it packed with vendors, displays, games and entertainment. There was truly something for the entire family--from toddler to grandma and grandpa.  As I wandered around that morning, I could hear the gospel music playing on the main stage and I observed the amazing variety of people in attendance.  Whenever I would ru into ne of the organizers, they were very pleased with their new event, and helpful with whatever questions I had.

   I also went by the Heritage Museum next door where the new Splash Pad was getting a workout and the Museum itself was literally crawling with visitors, many for the first time.

   As the day went on, the crowd stayed amazingly strong with many vendors selling completely our of food or merchandise.  As I continued to amble around and visit, I was struck by just how contented and happy everyone seemed to be.  I made some comment about this to a lady who se name I should know but cannot tink of right now and she made the reply I supposed was appropriate for the day, "Why Kenny, what would you expect--everything here today is "Just Peachy'"

   International consensus is not the same as international law

By EARL COX

Special to The Record

President Trump’s envoy to the Middle East, Jason Greenblatt, recently told the United Nations Security Council that “international consensus is not international law.  He went on to state what most Americans, especially evangelical Christians, accept as historical fact – that Jerusalem is the historic capital of the Jewish people and it is their rightful capital today.  

Today the people living in the West Bank and Gaza call themselves “Palestinians” and they desire (or aspire) to make Jerusalem their exclusive capital completely ignoring thousands of years of Jewish connection to the land.  This is not hearsay.  It is documented from the Bible forward and is proven afresh almost every day as new archaeological finds are discovered pointing directly to Israel and the Jewish people.  

So, who are the Palestinian people and why do they feel entitled to possess the land of Israel with Jerusalem as their capital?  First of all, there are no “Palestinians.”  They are culturally and linguistically Arab therefore they have no language, religion or general culture that distinguishes them significantly from the Arabs of Jordan, Syria or other neighboring Arab states.  “Palestinian” identity is a shallow political veneer that developed in response to Zionism and it serves today as a hostile tool kept sharpened for use against Israel. 

Nevertheless, Israel is willing to carve out land for those Arabs who want to identify as “Palestinians” thus creating an identity for themselves separate from the larger Arab world, but they have no historic or legal right to the land of Israel.  As expressed by Mr. Greenblatt, the Palestinian aspiration to a have a capital in Jerusalem is “not a right,” and “international consensus is not international law” when it comes to creating a Palestinian state.

The decades long conflict between Israel and the Palestinians cannot be solved by international consensus.  U.N. resolutions have been proposed and adopted however the wording is generally vague but always in favor of the Palestinians despite protestation from America and Israel.

No international consensus or interpretation of international law can alter the fact that Jews have lived and worshiped for nearly 3,000 years in Israel and specifically in Jerusalem and that Jerusalem has been the capital of the modern state of Israel for over 70 years. Those who try to paint Israel as “illegal occupiers” are using the phrase as a weapon to demonize Israel.  According to historic facts, Israel has already returned or relinquished more than 88 percent of the territory it captured during the 1967 Six Day War in which tiny Israel was attacked by every surrounding Arab country yet, thanks to God’s intervention, Israel sent the aggressors running to the U.N. begging them to make Israel back off.

While Israel has proven to the world time and time again her willingness to cooperate in helping the “Palestinians” form an independent state, they are not foolishly willing to jeopardize their safety by giving legitimacy to the terrorists organization called Hamas which governs those “Palestinians” living in the Gaza strip or the PLO which governs the “Palestinians” in the West Bank and which is equally as corrupt as Hamas and every bit a terrorist entity - despite any consensus to the contrary.  

Relax and Protect

By CARL WHITE

Life in the Carolinas

Summertime busy is a different kind of busy.

We are often rushing off somewhere to relax; maybe a trip to the beach to enjoy the surf and sun or a high country visit with cooler days.

We are fortunate in the Carolinas because we have many excellent costal choices. Among those choices, we have Hilton Head, Charleston, Myrtle Beach, Wilmington, Nags Head and our charming Outerbanks Island experience.

We can slowly explore nature and our iconic lighthouse trail, or we can properly roast ourselves while lounging on a choice sandy beach. The hours pass with a good book or music and moment by moment the stress of life floats away.

Sunburn pain is tempered with a variety of products which are often available in our summer travel bags. We try to remember to use our sunscreens, but sometimes forget. More seasoned travelers plan for those moments by bringing along the best sunburn pain reducing product we can find. We don’t like talking about the pain because we know we allowed it to happen. We just want it to quietly go away as soon as possible.

Most of our friends are polite enough to not go in for a hug when they notice the bright glow of summer pain. The extra loose-fitting clothing is often a giveaway.

Often, the rewards make up for the pain. The early morning and sunset walks on the beach are memorable. Setting on the balcony listing to the hypnotic waves makes life seem better, and the smell and feel of the salt air has its own power to heal.

Or maybe the coast and the smell of repeatedly applied sunscreen is not your happy place. Maybe your Zin is discovered in our beautiful Carolina mountains. You may love water; you just prefer smaller bodies of water and are most found of mountain streams.

There are many stories of lowlanders who seek the cooler mountain air environment in the summer and fall months. Like our coastal area for the Carolinas, our mountains offer great diversity. From the home of the Easter Band of Cherokee Indians to Murphy, Waynesville, Asheville and then on to the Great Smokey Mountains and the Blue Ridge Parkway.  

We have great variety in the High County and Foothills with Sparta, West Jefferson, Boone, Banner Elk, Grandfather Mountain and Wilkesboro.

The cooler mountain air, vistas and easier way of being brings great peace to many people. The relaxing sound of a waterfall or mountain stream has a way of melting away the stress of the day, not unlike that sunset walk on the beach. When nature can have her way with us, relaxation of life’s burdens is often the result.

I am not sure if nature is fixing us or if we are better able to deal with life when we become more relaxed. Maybe stepping aside from our worries for a moment allows solutions to reveal themselves. In any event, taking a break from our everyday demands might be a good way for us to stay busy this summer.

For those who live in the places that many of us are seeking as a place of summer refuge, forgive us as we are rushing through your hometowns. We are doing our best and we are grateful that you are sharing your environment with us.

We have a lot going on and anytime you want a distraction from your daily life come and visit our hometown.

Whatever you chose to do this summer, wisdom suggest that we all use proper protection. A little skin protection now is better than the treatment that may be required later.

Happy Summer Friends.

[elizabethrobertajones]

I was wondering what you thought about soul canon for the show? I've been watching Buffy recently and trying to reflect over the difference between the vampires with and without souls and thought it would be interesting as applied to Cas. The idea being that without a soul one can only do things for selfish reasons (even if the actions are good) and you require one for a certain level of altruism. I personally think Cas grew a soul at some point, and I was wondering if you thought (1/2)

that some of his early actions on the show reflect this. For instance, the whole saving the world for Dean instead of for the fact that the world needs saving. Also just curious about your thoughts on the whole soul thing in general. :) (2/2)

I’m totally aboard the fanon train that Cas has had a soul since the end of 8x23 that hasn’t gone anywhere since, no matter what happened to him. Death said back in season 6 that souls couldn’t be broken, so I get the feeling you can’t just destroy one once you have it - Cas just keeps piling angel up on top of it. It seems to be forgotten and I’d kind of like it to stay that way unless the show is going to pull a scenario directly from a fan fic on us, because Cas is one of the only characters NOT to do a demon deal and he’s got a ruthless practicality about him that is a very bad combination when you hang out with Crowley :P If this ever comes up on the show NOT in the context of building Cas up to happy married retirement with Dean and a guinea pig, only bad will come of it :P

I’m less certain about how angels are different from not having a soul though. I’ve always understood what Anna says back in 4x10 about what angels are SUPPOSED to feel as being an order, but pretty much all the angels display emotions of some sort or another.

Actually, brief detour, but I watched 6x07 last night and was reminded that vampires in SPN work under, like, reverse Buffy rules:

Alpha Vampire: The boy with no soul. I’ve got big plans for you. It’s amazing how that pesky, little soul gets in the way. But not for you. You will be the perfect… animal.

I mean, even back in the first infodump about them ever, John told us that they mate for life in a sort of dismissive way you might describe, idk, that some animals do as well :P  But if you don’t look at it like John, it seems fairly straightforward to just assume vampires have a lot of messy human baggage because they remember their past lives and still act on emotion and feel love and mate for life like HUMANS do. Later lore doubles down on this by thinking much harder about where the human soul is in all this and I guess Dabbflin’s conclusion was that vampires have to be affected by its existence inside them even if they’ve been turned (there was no wider plot reason to this line so I assume that’s just a detail one of them liked :P). 6x05 showing you can be turned back from being a vampire also suggests some complicated, arcane “dibs” system on souls between Heaven, Hell and Purgatory even more than we already knew (though it does amuse me that the next time Dean “dies” after that it’s because he’s in Purgatory :P) … idk. Point is, having ANY sort of type of soul in you, even if it’s been twisted into a monster one, still has some of the burden of having a human soul.

Cas back in season 6 made a point of telling Crowley he didn’t have a soul to trade, but, well, one of my favourite quotes about Cas is the obvious “too much heart” one and that’s from the start of season 8, referring to 99% of everything he did before he’d feasibly have a soul. I think Cas rebelled because of love back in season 4 - I think maybe a much more hard to define kind of feeling that’s still arms length from messy human emotions, but I do wonder HOW far. Unlike vampires, angels were created to be good, and to love - their final orders were to love humanity, if I’m not mistaken? And they were originally created to love God? I think they’re actually creatures OF love, just in this sort of cosmic way (but which translates down to the family squabble of the apocalypse when all’s said and done… :P) 

I wonder if the difference is really just the freedom to love by choice whoever they like, and Anna fell to have that freedom… At the end of season 4 if you look at it through a non-shippy lens, Dean talks Cas over by reminding him of humanity, the original mission for the angels being to love and protect them. (I mean that still applies, but that’s also discarding all the character development between them and that Cas continually tells Dean he did everything because of him and like… the endless maintext confirmations of where Cas’s compass points :P Still, Cas’s rebellion is altruistically motivated because he chooses to believe in Dean’s greater good, not Heaven’s, so the end result is concern about humanity and who has the best idea about what to do for it.) 

And then later on the angels are in a total mess because they have all strayed so far from the original mission and they’re trapped in power struggles and all the immediate problems of Heaven, and they’re so short-sighted by the need for orders and their inability to exercise freedom and choice (without lengthy character arcs to realise it) that I think you could easily say that’s behind all the angel turmoil. Raphael in season 6 literally can’t comprehend a universe where they don’t follow what was supposed to be destiny - he’s Cas’s enemy because Cas is representative of freedom and choice, and deciding NOT to do it. But once Heaven doesn’t have an apocalypse to focus on, it crumbles about what its purpose is, despite the fact the angels all theoretically know what they’re supposed to be doing… 

(I do also think in season 6 Cas’s motivations are more complicated than JUST trying to save the world for Dean - he makes all his decisions through/about Dean but I think it is as much because Dean has shown him a way to live/things to believe in/a stake in the world to protect that can all be filtered through Cas’s experiences with Dean as to WHY he’s making the decisions, but just because Dean taught him to value the world in a certain way, that doesn’t mean Cas ONLY values it because Dean. He does genuinely love humanity, as much as we snark about that line about him being in love with ~humanity~)

Anyway, I see Cas as perfectly capable of making loving/altruistic choices before he has a soul, but afterwards - 9x11 through to current time - Cas is a changed angel and he chalks it up to his experience as a human, but it’s an immediate and permanent change to the softer, more vulnerable and emotive Cas we have now. I think from then on Cas does feel things much more intensely, in the messy, human way, even if he goes to great pains to pretend he doesn’t. I don’t think it changes his fundamental ability to love, but I think it changes the way he expresses it and how much sway he lets it have on his life. The end of season 9, with Metatron’s taunting, is a very good example of that. Cas has always acted on emotion but Metatron takes a great delight in pointing out that it wasn’t altruistic but selfish love that Cas acted against him for. Not for ~humanity~ but for Dean.

So again I think it’s completely backwards from Buffy; that if Cas changed at all it was going from more altruistically driven love to being able to choose what he wanted to love with complete freedom: after 9x23 Cas’s choices are always directly about Dean, in a much more open way. He helps get rid of the Mark and has no other conflict of interest in the second half of season 10 (and I’d argue the Hannah stuff in the first half shows as a mirror to Cas that he is letting go of this conflict of interest and following the “human things” that matter to him instead of Heaven’s orders for once) and in season 11 his relationship with Dean is at the centre of the PTSD and feelings of worthlessness that lead him to saying yes to Lucifer (of his own free choice as a being capable of being possessed and having to consent to an angel) - from 11x14 onwards he’s only still possessed because he wanted to use Lucifer to save Dean. In season 12 he’s dealing with some shit but it seems from the fact he has to leave (handled much better than all the other leaving in the 3rd episode times lately for some reason :P) seems to be very much about a hurdle to get over before he can feel at home and it looks like it’s going to be super personal again in the second half of the season…

And I think the ability to love selfishly is a much more human thing at least by Supernatural’s rules, because it’s being able to choose something for yourself, and for an angel, to defy the orders of the unconditional and impersonal love they were supposed to have. Since to me that IS the most human thing (which the show always has triple underlined as free will), and the way Cas changes after when I think he would have a soul even while being an angel, I think that’s much more a sign he has a soul BECAUSE his love is selfish now? (Selfish in the sense of “being about himself” not that he’s doing bad things to hoard that love all for himself or something :P) 

[katiecomma]

Book Review - One Last Stop

I would like to start this review by saying this: these words are entirely my opinion. This is a review of a piece of writing that is based on my opinions and experiences and feelings. That being said, if this book made you feel represented, if you related to the characters, if you loved this book my opinions do not invalidate any of that. We are looking at this from different minds and different perspectives and different life experiences. Which is one of the most wonderful things about art: the interpretation. So, you are still represented and relatable and loved no matter how I feel or what I have to say.

On to the review. I'm going to put it below the cut, because it is CHOCK FULL of spoilers. So if you don't want to be spoiled do not continue.

I will also say, this is not a super positive review. I didn't love this book. I didn't even really like it very much.

I'm going to divide this into talking points.

1. The New York Trope

I hate hate HATE the New York Trope. Again, this is a personal thing that's specific to me. It's not to say it's a bad trope, it's just one that I'm SO SO SOOOOO tired of. I hate the idea of someone who could never find a place ANYWHERE else no matter where they've tried to go, making their way to New York where they believe they will finally belong. And then magically, even though they're a loser or an outcast or whatever... they do! They awkwardly stumble into the perfect little found family of weird people that so perfectly suits them it's like where they were made to be. I hate it. Again, this is personal. And it may just be lingering bitterness, but I moved from a small town to the big city and found it almost IMPOSSIBLE to make friends. Those cool people that you wish you were friends with, already have their own groups of friends and they don't often just adopt random new people that they don't really know and make them "part of the family." Yes, I know... I'm bitter. It's fine. See? This is the personal experience swaying my opinions that I was talking about. In addition to having that personal opinion of the trope, I'm just kind of tired of it. I feel like the New York Trope has been very overdone.

2. Forced Trans Rep

I was excited for the trans rep in this book. Afterall, it starts at the very beginning of the very first chapter when August answers a roommate ad that states: "Must be queer & trans friendly." I was like: awesome! I am so on board for this! LET'S GO!

I feel the need to break here to say that I love Niko. He is amazing. And I love his character.

Ok... so, the ad specifically states trans friendly. It breaks trans out from queer, which suggests that someone within the apartment is trans. We meet the three roommates: Niko, Myla and Wes... and nobody mentions the trans thing again. Which is awesome. I'm still on board this rep train. We are led to believe one of the roommates is trans. And we don't need to know which one. Why do we need to know? It doesn't matter. The representation is there, in my opinion.

And then the awkward scene I didn't like. There are baby/kids pictures of all the roommates all over the fridge. August recognizes everyone except a little girl who only looks a little familiar, wearing a princess dress at Disneyland and making a grumpy face. August asks who it is. Niko, very casually goes: "Oh, that's me." At which point August has some internal dialogue that felt very much to me like: Ok, I thought there was something off about him, he's not really a normal guy. That's a paraphrase... but that was the vibe I got. I sent it to a few other people who confirmed that I'm not crazy, it vibes that way. So... in addition to this scene feeling forced to "out" the trans person in the apartment (which felt SOOO unnecessary since the ad let us know there was a trans person in residence), August's reaction came across as accepting, but not feeling like Niko was a normal guy. Which... I really didn't like. It made me not like August at ALL, who is the main character.

The whole thing just felt really unnecessary to me. Especially when there's a scene later on that does it better! There's a scene later where August is asking Niko about his psychic abilities and she goes: when did you know?... and Niko replies: "That I was trans?"... and August waves it off and goes: "No, that you were psychic." That in my opinion would have been a way better reveal moment. It doesn't seem forced, and August waves it off like it's no big deal.

I may be crazy... but that drove me a little nuts. And really made me dislike August. I understand it's important to point out that everyone could have a little bias buried in them still, and it's important to overcome that... but I really didn't need anything to make me dislike August more... which leads into my next point.

3. August Is An Asshole

Yes, I understand there are assholes in the world.

Yes, I understand that they are redeemable.

But I did not like August for most of this book.

I understand that part of it is supposed to be her defensiveness... and her want to be a loner.

But August is an unapologetic asshole and says dickhead things to the people who are trying to help her or care about her. And I just didn't like that.

Again, I understand she's had a shitty life... but there just wasn't a lot in this book to redeem August for me and make me like her. I spent a lot of the book being like: I hope this nice girl doesn't fall for her because she's a bit of a dickhead.

4. August's Self Hate

In addition to being a bit of a dick... August has so much self-hate I found this book hard to read at times. Every time there is a description of her doing ANYTHING it is tinged with self-hatred to the point that the book was frustrating to read. There is a scene where she's been out in the rain and she's wearing sneakers. She gets on the train and her "sneakers squelched unattractively." So even when things are out of her control she projects self-hate onto them. And I HATED IT SO MUCH. It was infuriating. Even after Jane starts to like her and tells her that she's attractive and that her body is attractive the narrative is still very much "why does she like me though?"

I've had this conversation/rant with a few other people... and I understand that self-hate is very engrained in our society. I understand that girls, especially chubby girls, have this on their mind a lot of the time. One friend said that it would be unrealistic to have a book where the chubby girl doesn't hate herself, the suspension of disbelief of that would not be possible. (I feel I should point out this friend is chubby also).

But as a fat girl I need to say: I'M FUCKING TIRED OF THIS. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I want a main character like Lizzo, walking around with her skin on display and being confidant. I know that's a leap, honestly, but I would even go for someone acknowledging their body but not in a hateful way. Or having a little bit of a confidence issue but nothing like what was in this book. August hates herself so much that honestly... I was kind of mad about it.

One of the best fictional fat girls of all time is Suki from Gilmore Girls. You know why I loved her? Growing up and now? Because her weight is NEVER brought up. It's never the point of any of her jokes. It's never suggested she should lose weight. She never has any plotlines around dieting for her wedding or trying to fit into an old dress. Her weight is NEVER AN ISSUE. THIS IS WHAT I WANT IN FAT GIRL REP!!!!

Sorry... this point in particular is very close to home for me. As someone who's recently found her confidence it was very hard for me to read an entire book where everyone around the chubby girl is being nice to her but she's rude to them and self hating to herself.

Do girls like this exist? Of course! I was one of these girls! But it's frustrating to read sometimes.

5. Jane's Promiscuity

I found this was a sloppy way of getting them to kiss. And I'm not a HUGE fan of the slut and virgin trope. I don't mind someone having experience. But it seemed like Jane slept with half the women in the US before she was 24. And the only reason there was for her to have SO many partners was for August to kiss her more.

Quick explanation if you haven't read the book: Jane starts getting her memories back via sensory experiences. So they decide she'll remember her partners better if August kisses her to help her remember kissing other girls.

So in the end it just felt like a REALLY lame excuse for them to kiss.

At this point, I feel you being like: did you like ANYTHING about the book at all?

I did!

6. Wes and Isiah and Maya and Niko

I loved pretty much every character BUT August.

Wes and Isiah's love story was much more interesting to me than August and Jane's. Wes had the self-hate going on too... but Wes' was related to being a disappointment to everyone in his past and not feeling like he could be anything else. And he didn't want to burden Isiah with a disappointment. But they were cute as HELL and I loved the development of their relationship.

Maya and Niko are just perfect, and wacky and wonderful and were adorable from the start.

7. Jane

I loved Jane's character (other than the previously mentioned promiscuity). She was fun and happy-go-lucky and had an interesting problem and an interesting history (again, aside from the promiscuity).

8. Queer History

It was only touched on briefly in the book, but I loved the idea that Jane was front and centre for a lot of events in queer history. I liked what it brought up. I liked the way it made August want to learn more about her community. I honestly wish there had been a little more. Especially since Jane lived through it all.

I loved loved LOVED Red White and Royal Blue.

One of the things I loved most about that book was the way she broke down walls and stereotypes. The way that Pez is so effeminate, but only shows interest in women throughout the book, and NEVER labels himself. Having queer rep throughout politics. Having a divorced woman as president. There was so much representation in that book, but it didn't feel forced the way it did in this one. One Last Stop seemed very centred around these tropes and stereotypes... and that drove me a little crazy. I expected more from Casey McQuiston after reading Red White and Royal Blue.

In conclusion. I will not be keeping this book. I will not be rereading it. I did not care for it much at all.

Ok. Rant over.

I WILL SAY IT AGAIN: if you disagree with me. If you felt something because of this book. If this book spoke to you and made you feel seen and represented. None of my bullshit opinion changes that. FEEL THOSE THINGS! Take the art that means something to you and keep it close.