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xoxo-ren-xoxo · 1 year ago

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The Grumbo Apocalypse / Monster Horror AU

Massive thank you and credit to @angeart for helping me out with this AU of mine, coming up with new ideas, listening to my insane rambles, writing cool stuff, and making some brilliant concept art!

(and helping with this post too!)

CW/TW for this au: apocalyptic scenario, discussions of death / existential dread / being replaced / horror themes, body horror, issues of identity and self-image

SO the 'grumbo apocalypse / monster horror' AU is sort of what it says on the tin? Mumbo is just a regular guy with a coding job who wakes up one day to a nice bright apocalypse outside.

The sky turns white, the sun turns black, shadows become death traps, wormhole open up in the middle of the road... you get the picture. At first, everything is reported on by local news stations- it all seems rather mundane despite the horror of it all. People are hunted down by various monsters in the streets, and you can hear all about it on the ten 'o clock news.

Still, eventually, humanity seems to flicker out. No more electricity. No more news. Mumbo goes to his living room window and Something looks back at him. So he does what any self-respecting person would do, and cowers under the windowsill waiting to die.

The monster that breaks into his house through the glass is something the media called an 'outsider'. Its form shifts, changing fluidly with horrible wet sounds. It has scales and feathers which move across its pale skin like insects. Two- five- three- two eyes. A mouth, filled with rows of teeth and black bile, opens up from nothing on its face. It stares at Mumbo. Mumbo thinks he's going to die.

Then the monster speaks to him. It says 'hello' in a disjointed, stuttering voice. Mumbo doesn't die. The monster tries to look more human. It's name is Grian, apparently.

Grian is part of a species which existed long before the apocalypse. A monster which lived on the outskirts of towns and cities, usually just keeping to themselves. Like pests, they would sometimes wander into isolated houses, and find themselves nesting there.

Outsiders- we will call them that for now- can change form easily. Naturally. They also mimic sounds. Voices. Screams of the dead. And they are designed to blend in. To slip into a home, kill a human, take their voice, become them. If they feel threatened enough.

The apocalypse made them angrier, more feral. Hunting, eating, killing humans just seemed natural, despite their generally passive past.

Mumbo survives because he freezes. Naturally, he's the type to panic and stop moving entirely. He freezes and hides and waits. Outsiders are built to chase a moving target. They don't tend to attack an unmoving figure.

Grian settles, and Mumbo becomes his new friend. Like that, because Mumbo is still reeling from not being slashed to death or eaten, Grian simply stays. Or, Mumbo stays.

Grian is very protective of Mumbo. They leave the city, Grian using his teeth and claws to kill any threats. Into the forest, they find Grian's nest- where his flock is (though Mumbo can never quite be sure if they are there, hidden in the shadows) and they survive.

It is nice, for a while.

Grian only sometimes talks in an original voice. He can speak his own language (chirps, whistles, gurgles, clicks) just fine, but he is only made to mimic human language. The most basic words- though he's learning. He can use the voices of the dead (and has a funny habit of replicating their dying screams).

(Mumbo tries not to hear familiar screams in Grian's voice)

(If he has nightmares about it, and panics when he wakes up wrapped in Grian's arms, the arms of a killing machine, he doesn't mention it)

But, also, the apocalypse, and living in the forest, and cuddling with a being designed to kill and replace you, is scary. Mumbo wants to go home. He wants to stay. The sky is white. His mind can't quite take it.

And when another monster tries to attack him, he runs. Grian kills the monster fast. He sees Mumbo running. Instinct triggers. He pounces.

Mumbo tries to forgive Grian for the scratches. (They aren't scratches. Mumbo calls them scratches. They run deep). He still flinches for the next week whenever Grian gets close. They both know it couldn't have been helped- their instincts are incompatible. Human and monster. Made enemies by the end of the world.

Grian tries to make himself more human. Two eyes, two arms, two legs, no tail, less feathers, smoother skin, a normal face, a normal voice. It hurts to hold that form. It hurts to look at his true form, knowing it scares Mumbo. It's worth the pain to pretend they are a normal pair.

Neither of them talk. Neither of them try. Soon, one of them will break, and the other will come crumbling down after... but that's a story for another day.

(psst. ask me questions about this AU I get insane about it always) (also scar, cub, pearl, joe hills and cleo have very minor roles you should ask about them too)

#ben chats shit on the internet #grumbo apocalypse monster au #grumbo #grian #mumbo #hermitcraft #hermitshipping #long post #hermitblr #au post #??? i dont know

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thevioletcaptain · 1 month ago

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⚡️🦇👻 Spooky Season Movie Recs 👻🦇⚡️

These are some horror (and horror-adjacent) movies I've watched or re-watched recently.

If it's on this list, it's because I had fun with it, whether that fun was derived from it being genuinely scary, kinda fucked up, visually impressive, funny as hell, just plain weird, or some combination of the above.

Late Night with the Devil (2023)

A live television broadcast in 1977 goes horribly wrong, unleashing evil into the nation's living rooms. Horror. 95 minutes.

I've been mentally referring to this one as The Tonight Show with Cousin Greg because somehow they made David Dastmalchian look like an aged-up Nicholas Braun. Despite this -- or perhaps aided by it -- this is one of my favorite horror movies I've seen this year.

Lisa Frankenstein (2024)

A misunderstood teenager and a reanimated Victorian corpse embark on a murderous journey together to find love, happiness, and a few missing body parts. Horror/Comedy. 101 minutes.

I've actually watched this three times since August. Kat Newton is a fucking delight in this role. Really feels like an instant classic to me.

It's What's Inside (2024)

A pre-wedding party descends into an existential nightmare when an estranged friend shows up with a mysterious suitcase. Sci-fi/Horror/Comedy. 105 minutes. Whoever wrote that logline should have taken another run at it, because it leaves out what I'm pretty sure is the main draw of the movie: it's a body-swap story. Except everyone swaps. Multiple times. Shockingly hetero considering the subject matter, but still fun.

Renfield (2023)

Having grown sick and tired of his centuries as Dracula’s lackey, Renfield finds a new lease on life — and maybe even redemption — when he falls for feisty, perennially angry traffic cop Rebecca Quincy. Comedy/Horror. 93 minutes.

This was everything I could possibly have wanted from a movie with Nic Cage as Dracula. It's goofy. It's gory. I had a ball.

Hold Your Breath (2024)

In 1930s Oklahoma amid the region’s horrific dust storms, a woman is convinced that a sinister presence is threatening her family. Horror/Psychological Thriller. 94 minutes.

As someone who experienced a dust storm as a child, this movie tapped into some long-buried fears, which is always a win in my book. Also, it has Ebon Moss-Bachrach aka Richie from The Bear in it. Double win.

#Alive (2020)

As a grisly virus ravages Seoul, a lone man stays locked inside his apartment, digitally cut off from seeking help and desperate to find a way out. Horror/Thriller/Action. 99 minutes.

Somehow this was written and wrapped production before the pandemic even started, and ended up being the most relatable zombie movie I've ever seen.

Additional movies under the cut!

I'll keep adding to this list over time, as well as my Letterboxd log now that I've remembered it exists, so definitely check back if you want more recs.

Don't Worry Darling (2022) Mystery/Thriller. 123 minutes.

The Night Eats the World (2018) Zombie/Horror. 94 minutes.

Longlegs (2024) Horror. 101 minutes.

more to be added here!

#horror movies #movie rec list #movie recommendations #cass says things #feel free to rec movies in the replies if you want :)

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thesimulacrumb · 1 year ago

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Happy pills Q!mouse what if's

I've been thinking on what kind of affects the happy pills would have on Q!mouse simply cause I am in a drought of Q!mouse content so I made a couple "What if's" that I think are MOST LIKELY to occur before and after she takes the dreaded Risus potion

First I think I should go over what exactly I think it would take for her to take the pills at all 1. Empanada loses a life I mean we already seen how she would act her egg is downed imagine her reaction to Em's death, she said herself she is not taking them specifically for Empanada's sake so really the only way I can see her taking them is if something were to happen to Em 2. Her "Nightmare" Since purgatory Q!mouse has repeatedly referred to it as a horrible nightmare and tried to change the topic, theoretically if this nightmare were to get to a point of delusion or hurting Empanada, I think its possible [with the help of a certain bear] she could be convinced to take the medicine just to be a better mother for Empanada Now unto the Effects, these are what I think mouse would be like upon taking the Happy pills, from my own research and kind of based on my previous head canons 1. Zooted!Mouse This is almost the least likely but, For those unknown to CC!Ironmouse's streams she regularly takes her own medicine during streams sometimes this causes her to act pretty out of it which many viewers affectionately refer to as "Zooted" it is possible she could use the happy pills to explain this behavior. while this is the funniest outcome it would honestly be my least favorite 2. Musical!Mouse [Any evidence saying I got this idea from TGWDLM is lying to you I swear] Now this idea mainly comes from Ironmouse being usually associated with singing and all around liking musicals, so imagine after she takes the pills she starts to treat things like a musical i.e. singing at random times and acting dismissive of anything negative in favor of treating things like an artificial play. kind of like a Disney princess 3. Hyper!Mouse This mainly pertains to my head canon post that Q!mouse feeds off of emotions. So from my idea she would basically be in a state of constant Overdosing on positive feelings causing her to act incredibly hyper like the stereotype of kids eating too much sugar, Similarly I think it would also contain Sugar Crashes were she has a period of existentialism and derealization. 4. Silly!Mouse You know when she was totally cool with killing all of the Feds especially after Purgatory, so what if she pick up after Q!Cellbit's lil spree decides to go on a lil silly spree of her own, I have no real idea on how this would actually happen AND its not even how the pills work but it would be funny.

5. Fed!Mouse

Now this is MAY be a direct contrast to the last what if BUT we have seen that Q!mouse doesn't really hate cucurucho and is very friendly with him [albeit while also being terrified of him] along with having already done his bidding with her photography skills. its very possible that while being on happy pills she could very well more willingly give some more help, Who knows it may be beneficial to have a demon on their side :] Of course all of these could very well just not happen and Q!mouse never actually takes the pills and really just holds onto them for the aesthetic and I am forever cucked out of ironmouse lore

#qsmp #qsmp ironmouse #qsmp empanada #qsmp happy pills #qsmp federation #qsmp cellbit #As always if you have any corrections/Things to add please go ahead #drugs mention #SHE KEEPS DRIP FEEDING US BUT I WANT M O R E #I activated my autism for this post #q!mouse #q!empanada #q!cellbit #please don't bully me too hard

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chocolatespyro · 1 year ago

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chikn nuggit spoilers in Lint's speech bubble if you care about that

I absolutely love and adore that trope of a character literally going off about something that only they care enough about to someone else who has no fucking clue what the hell is going on but is in for the ride anyways (usually in annoyance or complete and absolute hatred)

It's so goddamn funny but yeah sometimes I talk a lot about stuff and it's all just horrible word vomit for the next person to try and piece together lmaoooo. fun fact this is a legitimate thought/thing I wanted to write out or tell someone because. I follow chikn nuggit lore now I guess???

I'll put a text version down here at some point today so people can actually read my nightmare-inducing rambling of thoughts anyways

Also the other object guy is also my character lol he's an emu egg

Not gonna put this in main tags except for my art tag bcus this is just so dumb so yeah HJGHHFU

Lint: yeah so like, instead of making bezel open a body-horror esque mouth like with i-scream they should've just made it so that when cofi asks bezel how he eats the fucker just spins the hands on his clock and the music gets slower and distorted as the audience watches the food crumble and rot away from age. And then you look at Cofi and she is literally like "what" as it cuts to her being visibly older like WOULDNT HAVE THAT BEEN SO MUCH MORE SCARY??? BUT ALSO SUPER FUNNY AT THE SAME TIME???? like you have this terrifying god creature and you DON'T do something like that with him??? HUH??? Like. There 2 are on completely different power levels and yet they eat the same? That's so lame. Plus this opens up the opportunity for more questions to be asked and a question as to exactly HOW powerful is this guy. Plus the fact that he doesn't eat normally which is just????????? it would make him seem more interesting and alien and disconnected from the other characters more than he already is plus the implications that he CAN STEAL TIME from anyone in the immediate vicinity. it's less literal body horror but more psychological and existential dread (am I using those words right???) but the horror that he can literally just do this at any time and that he can and has before it's legitimately insane plus the fact that he barely has to even move a finger to do this too. Plus the fact that he's discreetly manipulating chikkn nugget behind the scenes to try and make chikn realize he's a god n stuff I just think it'd fit his motif much better. Because time is so much less of a physical thing and I think bezel represents that. also why are there no bezel "ruler of everything" edits

Emu Egg: dude i have literally no idea what you're talking about

#this is my art and this is the tag for it #Lint Pile (tag)

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clownhara · 4 years ago

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I've been following you for a while but I dont know all that much about your OCs so how about a big resume of them all?? :DDD

I haven't really posted much about them on this account until recently so that doesn't really suprise me 😅 but yeah I absolutely can! Warning though this is going to be unbelievably long

I guess I should start off with Zensuke because he is THE gay purple cat. I named this blog after this guy. I made him when I was probably like 12-13 or around there so he had all the things you'd expect a repressed edgy kid's of to have. He was basically a demon who managed to get out of thier world's equivalent of hell and instead of doing anything evil he just made cake and got married to the guard who was supposed to kill him. I don't really do much with him anymore but I still love him very much.

Corbinian is probably the character I talk most about and he's the one I edit to fit into different worlds the most. He was a normal doctor but he got his memory wiped by robots and ended up working as an executioner for the robotic mafia, but eventually got caught and had to hide out in Lobotomy (he was originally a Lobotomy Corp oc) where he discovered he can extract abnormality dna and with some altering the dna can be injected into humans causing a variety of different mutations and effects. He's usually very heartless and manipulative, but does have a soft spot, usually for anxious, soft spoken people, who subconsciously remind him of his brother (who is a friends if so I can't really get into him). He also was given a variety of nicknames by the higher ups, like Corb, Corn chip, Corb on the Orb, or just Corn. Je

Corble is the result of Corb trying out human cloning. He has the same general appearance as Corbinian, but with purple hair (hence the name, because he's porble corb) that's styled differently. Since the experiment was technically a failure Corb was going to kill him, but Corble was really sweet and innocent and Corb basically went "well great guess I adopted my clone then". Corb stopped messing with cloning but adores Corble.

Might as well get all of my Lobotomy ocs out of the way. Oliver is the first Lobotomy oc I ever made, which is funny because I may or may not constantly forget that he exists. Oliver is basically a five year old kid in an adults body, and I mean that literally, because his parents basically locked him in a room and ignored him so his mental age is basically that of a kids. He's very mischievous and loves pulling pranks on people, most of which are harmless. Unless it's Corb, whom Oliver gates with a passion. Then it's thinly veiled murder attempts disgusted as pranks. He loves Fairy tales, and only works with fairy tale abnormalities because he panics with any other kind. Only one person in the entire facility can even put up with him, and that's Mabel.

Mabel is trans lesbian who can find the good in almost anyone. She's optimistic, bubbly, and has a great sense of humor. She tends to get really flustered around women though. Is it obvious I kinda projected onto her a bit? Because I did. If she wasn't in Lobotomy she'd definitely be a streamer. I'm just now realizing I basically made snapcube before I knew who that was. Whoops.

Up next is Adam! Adam is quiet, nervous, and honestly just prefers to not be noticed. Their ability to almost seamlessly blend into thier surroundings is astounding. Most people (me included) tend to just forget they exist. Which honestly is funny because they end up dating the loudest, most cocky person in the entire facility. Adam loves horror movies and spicy food.

Kieth is the loudest, most cocky person in the entire facility. He's the adopted son of a sephirah and the leader of the Rabbit team so that much is unavoidable. He's quick to anger, blunt, and tends to underestimate other people. However, he's also loyal to a fault, and willing to back his friends up no matter what. He feels like his mom's are expecting him to live up to expectations that he can't (and that they don't have but he doesn't realize that), so he's constantly throwing himself in harm's way to desperately try to prove to them that they made a good investment by adopting him or die trying. His two passions in life are collecting weapons and tending to rabbits, two of which he managed to train to sit on his shoulders and attack people. Despite being total opposites he loves Adam very much and will endure any horror movie with them, even if he's a huge scaredy cat.

Damien doesn't gave that much development, unfortunately. He came from a very religious household, moved out, and frequently gets possessed by an abnormality who makes him act like a cryptid. Totally normal stuff. He also went to law school.

Zephyr is a very, very serious individual. They've got a completely monotone color palette, speak either in short, blunt sentences or long, fanciful paragraphs with no in between, and tend to come off as cold and stiff. They're completely devoted to work, which is how they managed to become a captain. Despite this, they're very kind and caring, but unfortunately rarely get to show that side of themselves unless it's with Jamison, thier partner, both in crime and in the romantic sense. They also have a love/hate relationship with Owen, basically openly hating his guts but also enjoys thier banter and would hate if anything genuinely awful happened to them or his family.

Jamison is the complete opposite of Zephyr. He's an open book, very colorful, and tends to slack of when Zephyr isn't looking. Not on purpose, he just tends to get distracted most of the time. He's quite popular because he's very cheerful, which is rare in the higher ranks of Lobotomy. He'd absolutely die for Zephyr, and us usually the one who patches thier wounds. He really doesn't like Owen and thinks thier a pain in the ass, but keeps that to himself most of the time.

Owen is..... Interesting. I kinda went buck wild with him not gonna lie. He's one of the oldest son's of the God of Nightmares and Fire, an absolute agent of choas, and a campy fashion nightmare. But... I love them. They're both unbelievably obnoxious and also very caring. He's the kind of character you'd love but also hate at the same time. He also ended up becoming the God of Death in one timeline. If he wasn't God they'd probably run makeup guru/cursed amsr YouTube channel. Honestly he'd still run those as a God though. Also gender is a toy store and Owen is a kid who broke in after dark and is running along pushing all of the assorted genders into a cart while laughing maniacally (they use any pronouns but I stuck to just he/him they/them for this little snippet)

Alright, Lobotomy ocs done. Up next is.... Ugh... Octavious. He's originally a Danganronpa oc, the shsl gossip, and he was made to be a villian and by God does it show. He's the most fake, back stabbing, two faced character I've ever made. He's also the most one dimensional, which was actually intensional. He has no personality beyond being a petty, lying bitch, so when he runs out of lies and rumors to spread he goes into an existential crisis about how he has virtually no identity until he makes some new lie up about some random person. He's also abusive towards his younger sibling Aspyn, whom he has both physically and emotionally scarred. And, the icing on the "fuck this guy" cake, he's incredibly obsessive over his "wife" Melissa, who wants nothing to do with him and never even dated him, let alone married him. Basically he's a horrible, lying, abusive stalker. He also dresses exclusively in eye burn pink since the most poisonous bugs are usually brightly colored. Fuck Octavious, all my homies hate Octavious.

Next is Melissa, who honestly wasn't much better before her arc. She was raised to believe that in order to truely succeed in life, you have to ensure others fail. She, unfortunately, took that advice to heart. Get arc consisted of learning that we all can succeed together and that actively fucking other people over just made her an awful person, so she changed her behavior and tried to help people from then on out. She's incredibly meticulous, organized, and really smart. She still has issues trusting, but she's getting better. She has a crush on Octavious's younger sibling, but absolutely despises Octavious.

Aspyn is a quiet, caring individual who has no confidence both due to Octavious and just how they were raised. They are an incredibly skilled doctor, however, managing to perform amazingly in several different fields. They are, however, very defensive about thier passions, quick to insult anyone who questions them, mainly due to Octavious. They have a huge crush Melissa, but is to afraid to ask her out. Also they wear an eye patch because Octavious messed up one of thier eyes.

Hooo boy where to start with Edward. He's really inconsistent between universes, but the main constants are his power (he can trade bodies with people), him and Max getting together, him being a huge bookworm, and somehow he usually ends up being my self inserts dad???? Hos other aspects tend to change. Sometimes he's a power hungry megalomaniac who's trying to take over the world and will crush anyone and everyone who gets in his way or isn't useful to him, using his power evily to stay young forever by trading bodies with his kids and killing them when they're in his body. Other times, he's a fairly calm, if not a little cold, man whos biggest crime is the occasional tax evasion, who's power is more of a curse, causing him to stay alive forever through a series of unfortunate coincidences. Either way he's fun to write

Max is one of my favorite characters. He loves baking, his friends and family, he isn't too bright but no one holds that against him. Unfortunately, no matter which side of Edward it is, he's hopelessly in love with him, which can lead to his downfall. He's very protective of his cousin Heron, and tries to protect the innocent, which he usually doesn't end up doing thanks to evil Edwards manipulation. I also somehow failed to mention he's a plant man and flowers sprout wherever he walks and he can control plants but I couldn't find a good way to fit that in naturally.

Heron is half a plant man, in the worst possible way. He has rose vines instead of blood, which feels exactly how you think it would. Magic keeps his alive luckily, but it's unbelievably painful. Most of him and Max's family died when they were young, and unlike Mac who ended up on the streets, Heron ended up in an orphanage, where he learned at a young age that he shouldn't get close to anyone because if he does, they'd die. He genuinely believes that, and the only person he thinks is immune, is his cousin Max, who he even still expects to drop dead. Heron mainly fights by breaking his skin so his vines will grow rapidly and trap and kill his attacker, which looking back is uh. Kinda symbolic. I didn't do that on purpose but it fits

Eden is an angel, who was outcasted from heaven after being framed for a crime they didn't commit. They don't understand how humans work, but is trying thier best to fit in. He's one of the few beings Heron trusts, and even still Heron doesn't trust them much because of Eden's ability, being able to control holy flames. Eden is stoic and aloof, with an odd sense of humor. He insists that him baking using his holy flames is a form of training. Despite them claiming to be above human emotions, they very much are not above them and he is actually quite emotional.

Avocado is one of Herons old friends, who fell victim to Herons "luck" (aka they died). They are a drider (basically spider centaur) who came from a large family of drider thieves. They are very quiet and kind, which they use to thier advantage, since one would thing they'd steal small objects from people's houses or pickpocket them, which Avocado very much does. While they're fairly weak in combat thier thieving skills are not to be underestimated.

Grape is Avocados older sibling, and they are very serious and quite rude. Grape wants to kill Heron to avenge thier sibling, but ends up getting caught robbing the wrong person and ends up having to join the person's kids adventuring party.

Apple is the oldest drider sibling, and ends up taking a motherly role for all of the younger kids. They had to grow up incredibly fast, and has to make all of the hard decisions in place of thier dying father. Desperately needs a break.

There's more spider siblings but there isn't much info on them

Both Sherry and Theodore Poser are mainly just there because I have them really fun designs and don't really have a personality. Sherry's kinda hard to draw though

#this took forever but oh well #im also not tagging every individual oc lol #asks #aki no nyo #gay purple ocs #gay purple posts #long post

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mariposalass · 5 years ago

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Deep Pain, Deep Sorrow

Summary: The day he died the first time has come, and Philip is having nightmares of reliving the events in his mind. It is not really great, not great at all.

Setting: Mari and co.’s house in Daly City, California, present day midnight; Weehawken Dueling Grounds in Weehawken, New Jersey and the Church family house in New York City, New York, November 20-24, 1801.

Notes: Written up in the last minute in commemoration of RL Philip Hamilton’s death by gun dueling on this day 218 years ago. There are Hamilton musical spoilers and mentions of death, guns, & blood loss along with slight mention of alcohol & hate speech against Alexander Hamilton: if you’re not comfortable with any of them, then skip this and finding something more cheerful instead. Although the ending doesn’t end on a sour note though… Also tagging @husband-of-lucoa since I’m basing this on a RP we had on Discord with Marina’s old life dilemma before as a main theme.

Tags: character death, mention of guns, salty language, mention of blood and blood loss, existential crisis, Defying Time, Renewed Potential, Hamilton: An American Musical, Hamilton spoilers, implied mention of alcohol, hate speech, George Eacker bashing (if this is a thing), real life history

It all started with a speech, a goddamn speech on the Fourth of July nonetheless. Bloody Eacker had all the nerves to bash his father like that: no respect to the man who had to work hard from a rough life of illegitimacy and having one parent died & another far away to help bringing a nation out of the shackles of Great Britain’s control, in front of a bunch of people wanting him dead literally or otherwise, poor Theo’s figuratively blind and ambitious father included. Surely, if that fool had known the man personally much longer, maybe it have been less abrasive, but no, he was a foolish twat. 4 months had passed since that slanderous speech and he & an old friend, Stephen Price, had confronted him, both younger men being under some alcohol for some reason, in the Park Theater about that rancid work of words. A verbal fight has borne out of this confrontation and the final straw came in the form of that bastard calling him and Stephen ‘rascals’, which had the young men to challenge him in a dueling match.

Back then, most men, even the smartest and most noble of the lot, wouldn’t simply settle things in a calm and logical manner; with pride on the line, they dealt arguments with small death machines, guns loaded with bullets that could spell death to the unfortunate person on the other side. Eacker would take on Price first a day after, then him on the next day. Four shoots were heard across in Weehawken, but no one died that day. The next day came, and it was him against the foolish twat; with some advice from his father, he had started it with a delope, throwing his first shoot, a move that would ultimately cost him life. Eacker had done the same, for a fool like him, it too was a smart move then.

A minute later, neither one dared to make a move, but then, Eacker aimed for him and shot him above the right hip and into the left arm; he did shot back, but the bullet was useless. The fired bullet from Eacker’s gun was lodged to his arm, spasms came in involuntarily. Everyone was wondering and panicking while Eacker was blindly soaking in this false victory, yet he knew that the victory that fool was enjoying is fleeting and was trying his best to remain calm and collected as Death is slowly arriving at his doorsteps and he was bleeding profusely. Soon, word was spread of the duel and he was then rushed to Aunt Angelica and Uncle John’s house in the city center; Angelica, while still shocked by her nephew’s misfortune, wrote that his attitude during this trying time was unbelievably remarkable for a 19 year old nearing Death.

Horrified by the news of what Eacker did to his firstborn son and rocked by anxiety & worry like every responsible caring parent would, Alexander rushed to Dr. Hosack’s home to ask for medical help, only to learn that the good doctor was already ahead of him at the Church residence by this time, staying with his family to recover before heading to his sister in law’s place. By the time he and Eliza reached him, he was paler than the moon itself, his face ashen from the near loss of blood, almost haggard in appearance.

The older Hamilton was in despair, sobbing and clutching Dr. Hosack by the hand & salted tears running down from his watery eyes, and the middle Schuyler sister, pregnant with her final child at 3 months, even more distraught than she would let on. Pulse was faint, but still heard by Alexander, and yet time was running out for his eldest son. They had stayed by his side all the night along, 14 hours and a confession of faith later however, Death has taken Philip Hamilton away from the world and from his family at 5 AM. Only 19 years old.

He had bolted up from his bed after so many flashes running across his mind, waking up screaming and causing his roommate Ahkmenrah to wake up from his slumber as well. His horrified screams could be heard all over the house, alarming everyone trying to get a good night’s rest. The former pharaoh was startled by the stressful look in his friend’s face and checked if he was okay. Philip honestly couldn’t hide how he was feeling, but didn’t explain it to him fully until everyone else went inside their shared bedroom.

Mari has never seen him this stressed out (beside crunch time on news article deadlines and getting confused over modern day things) in the 11 months they have been together, she had sat beside him and sheepishly held onto his hand as a calming measure. Kirby, saddened to see him in the state he was in, flew onto his bed and hugged him by the side of his torso.

“Hey, what’s happening to you, mate?” Harry questioned him, sensing that there must be something that left him this freaked out.

“Yeah, we want to know why,” Kairi chimed in.

“Come on, Philip, there is never a bad thing to admit it,” Mari gently reminded him, “We’re all ears for you.”

“Nightmares, those nightmares of that duel, agh!” he groaned in agony, “I never thought of reliving those awful memories of it all over again. I didn’t expect it to send my family on a downward slope after that. It was horrible to think about it in your sleep.”

“Well, you told us all about it many times for a long time now, still there is no need to hold back just because of some a-hole trying to peg down your dad like that and shoot you in return,” Mari sighed, not knowing what else to say in return and trying to fight back in tears from her eyes.

“Philip, please don’t feel bad about that. I know that it was very foolish of both you and that Eacker guy to try to shoot each other over a speech and just sort those issues out yourselves, but honestly, I didn’t think that it was all your fault,” Issa tried to reassure him, “Besides, he’s already dead and probably regretting that he shouldn’t harass your father with that speech in the first place.”

“Your father sounds like a very important man indeed, Philip,�� Ahk pointed out, “You and your siblings must have looked up to him so much. He have done some messed up things in the past like that affair thing, yes, but never a horribly terrible person at all. I would have loved to ask him questions about how he helped out in freeing and growing this nation and independence with several like-minded men.”

“Poyo...” Kirby sniffed in sympathy as he cried.

“Look, Philip dear. The past is the past, we know that we couldn’t turn back the hands of time to stop it from happening, even the Doctor couldn’t stop it in a couple of cases whenever he goes time-traveling. But it doesn’t mean that you should never be defined by those events. You got this second chance in life and you can still enjoy life even more than ever, so you shouldn’t worry about everything the second time around,” Mari calmly reassured her dearest beloved before remembering something similar that had happened to some friends a year ago, “Funny enough, this whole situation you’re in is quite similar to Marina’s case: Dyl’s friends at the Fortress Team found her unconscious by the sea and couldn’t find anyone willing to pick her up and look after her until Dylan and Lucoa (and later Lady Palutena) stepped in and took her into their large family. Even she was struggling with recovering from her past mistakes for some time, but since you came back and befriended her, she doesn’t have to worry too much about them. She still gets nightmares once in a while, but beyond that, she is doing well.”

“Well, I suppose that I should follow her example then?” he meekly asked her and everyone else in the room.

“I don’t see a problem with that, Pip,” Issa smiled back in response, “She was the first person to reach out to you since you made that public reveal of your return, so she is likely to listen all about it.”

“Since you did in a way helped her recover from her past mistakes and get help from her folks, perhaps we can contact Dylan, Lucoa, and Lady Palutena by morning and see if she can drop by to help you out as well,” Harry added, “Or you can talk to me as well. I have been through a lot of trauma in my life as well, especially with the Killing Cruse, the Horcrux Hunt, the Battle of Hogwarts, and after I disown my canon realm for good. Seriously, if you have some nightmares again, just let us know: we’re all here for you and Mari is always there for you as much as you’re always there for her.

The kind support and reception he is receiving are too overwhelming yet welcoming as everyone gathered around him to give him a warm hug, Mari’s being the tightest of all. He never felt this much closer to home than with this unlikely group of people, animals, and what have you, but it is probably true in a way. It might tempting to ask Ahk to bring his folks back to the world of the living, but that would too much hassle and trouble to ask for. The whole 11 months felt like quite a wild ride for sure and yet it is the most fulfilling he has ever lived through, and he couldn’t ask for more than find his place among these strange modern day waters and have an amazing life with his new unlikely ‘family’ and his beloved darling.

The End

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popatochisssp · 6 years ago

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Hope for the Holidays

Sans is stuck in the past, even a whole year after reaching the surface with no more RESETs.

Maybe he could use a pep talk...or a Pap talk.

AO3 Link

I wrote this for the Undertale Secret Santa 2018! Pure Sans & Papyrus brotherly fluff. :3

It never got any easier.

Sans would’ve thought after about the millionth time it happened, he’d have gotten used to it, jolting awake in a cold sweat, his magic flaring as his soul was crushed by the overwhelming weight of panicked despair—fight-or-flight instincts sharpened by the horrible knowledge that it was all completely, utterly, terribly…

Useless.

He scrubbed a hand over his face, taking deep breaths and trying to quell his own rattling.

This had to stop.

It was over now…wasn’t it?

……His insistent nightmares disagreed.

Sans sighed, checking the clock next to the window—shades open, always open to the sky above the surface and its proof of an intact timeline—and he slumped in disappointment.

4:27 AM.

Too early for Grillby’s, too late to try going back to sleep, even for him.

There was only one thing to do.

Nothing calmed the nerves like a good, old-fashioned midnight snack, whether it was midnight or not…or whether any actual nerves were involved.

Sans was used to taking a quick shortcut down to kitchen for leftovers. It was a route he knew all the way down to his bones.

…heh.

Silently digging through the fridge and cutlery drawer was old-hat, ignoring the lights and the microwave for stealth reasons easy and familiar.

The taste of the cold spaghetti he shoveled into his mouth with shaking hands, though…

That was different.

It was edible, for one thing, with barely any glitter in it. It actually tasted…pretty good, a triumph of all the hours Papyrus had spent up here watching cooking shows and stalking recipe blogs.

Hours that haven’t all been RESET back to nothing by a world-bending power a kid should’ve never had.

Sans was grateful for it.

He was happy for the way things had turned out, really, he was.

But he couldn’t stop thinking about what it took to get it, either.

All the failed attempts, the do-overs, the ‘what would happen if I…’s

(The times Sans had to watch his world fall apart because of a child swinging a little plastic knife.)

Frisk promised.

They swore it was over, all of it, never to happen again.

No more RESETs. This is the best ending.

So…why couldn’t Sans just…believe that?

After a year up top, free of the Underground, it seemed like the truth. Life was finally moving forward, linearly, after stars only knew how long it had looped and weaved and stopped dead before starting over somewhere else.

Everyone else was diving right into surface life, vacations, new jobs, new hobbies, new lives—and it felt like Sans was the only one who couldn’t trust it.

He’d spent so long wanting this exact thing but now that he had it, it didn’t even seem real.

Why bother with anything? It was all just going to…

Sans buried his face in his hands and shuddered.

He hated this. All of it.

He wanted it to be over. He wanted to trust it was over.

But he just felt…hopeless.

He didn’t even notice at first when the kitchen light flicked on.

“SANS?”

That, he noticed.

Sans straightened, scrambling to put an easy grin on his skull for his brother, who was frowning at him in the doorway.

“hey, Pap.” Good, that sounded casual. “what’re you doin’ up?”

Papyrus just scoffed. “YOU KNOW I DON’T SLEEP MUCH. I’M NOT A LAZYBONES LIKE YOU.” He narrowed his eye-sockets, suspiciously demanding, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP? THE SUN HASN’T EVEN RISEN YET!”

Oh, stars, the sun.

Sans was gonna miss that the most when everything got RESET again.

The thought was unexpectedly painful and Sans rushed to cover it.

“ah, y’know, thought maybe the sun had the light idea, gettin’ an early start to the day.”

Expectedly, Papyrus’ frown deepened at the barrage of jokes.

Unexpectedly…he didn’t take the bait.

“YOU LOOK TERRIBLE,” he said instead. “ARE YOU ALRIGHT?”

Sans laughed a little, hoping the nervous edge to it was only so noticeable to him.

He should’ve known a half-assed lie wouldn’t work on his bro—he was just too cool to fall for that.

A whole-assed lie, on the other hand…

Sans sighed, a little dramatically.

“alright,” he said, “alright, ya’ caught me. guess i am a little upset this mornin’…”

Papyrus finally came all the way into the room, browbones knit in concern. “CAN I HELP?”

“don’t worry about it, you already are.”

That just earned Sans a confused look.

Sans grinned, as infuriatingly wide as he could, waggling his forkful of pasta at his brother. “how can i be upsetti when i got your spaghetti?”

Papyrus scowled.

…But instead of throwing his arms up and stomping off in exasperation like he was supposed to, he pulled out a chair and sat down at the table.

“YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY TRYING TO GET RID OF ME,” Papyrus deduced, “SO YOU MUST REALLY BE OUT OF SORTS AND TRYING TO HIDE IT FOR SOME STUPID REASON.”

Sans’ eye-sockets went wide. “what? no, i—”

“AND NOW YOU THINK DOUBLING DOWN IS GOING TO WORK LIKE I HAVEN’T KNOWN YOU LITERALLY MY ENTIRE LIFE AND CAN’T SEE YOU SWEATING.”

Ah, jeez, was he? “look, Pap, seriously, it’s—”

“‘NOT THAT BAD’?” Papyrus guessed, folding his arms over his chest. “IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY TO ME, EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE OUT OF BED BEFORE NOON AND I COULD HEAR YOU RATTLING EARLIER ALL THE WAY FROM MY ROOM?”

“……”

damn.

“i just—”

Papyrus cut him off again. “THIS ISN’T THE FIRST TIME YOU HAD A BAD NIGHT, SANS. WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION AND JOKES AREN’T GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF IT.”

Sans doesn’t even get his mouth all the way open before yet another warning.

“MEMES AREN’T GOING TO GET YOU OUT OF IT, EITHER.”

………damn.

Papyrus was just way too good.

Sans never stood a chance.

He wilted a little in his chair, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck.

Pap obviously wasn’t about to be dissuaded now, but…where to even begin with the bullshit plaguing him now? For years at least, if his data on the RESETs had been even marginally accurate.

It was… It was a lot, but…

Well, hell.

Sans had to start somewhere.

“alright. okay. rhetorical question, then.”

“FINE,” Papyrus agreed. “A COMPLETELY RHETORICALLY, DEFINITELY NOT ABOUT YOU AT ALL SORT OF QUESTION.”

“…really not makin’ this easier, bro.”

Papyrus had the grace to look a teensy bit chastened. “YES, OF COURSE. PURELY RHETORICAL.”

Sans took a breath, a long moment to weigh his words.

“have ya’ ever just felt…stuck?” he wondered slowly. “like…like nothin’ matters an’ there’s no point doin’…anything ‘cause it’s just…nothin’s gonna change anyway, no matter what ya’ do?”

“YES. OFTEN.”

Sans’ head shot up in surprise. “wh… for…for real?”

Papyrus just looked at him, like he’d be rolling his eyes if he had any. “STARS, SANS, OF COURSE I HAVE. WE WERE TRAPPED UNDERGROUND FOR THE ENTIRETY OF OUR LIVES WITH MINIMAL HOPE OF ESCAPE, BARRING THE EXTREMELY RANDOM CHANCE THAT THE LAST HUMAN MIGHT FALL SOMETIME BEFORE WE DUSTED OF OLD AGE.”

“……oh. right.”

Funny how easily he’d just…forgotten about that.

…Maybe not easily.

“WE ALL FELT STUCK, SANS,” Papyrus continued, not unempathetically. “PROBABLY BECAUSE WE WERE. IT WAS SO…LIMITING DOWN THERE! I HAD SO MANY THINGS I WANTED TO DO THAT I THOUGHT WERE IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE LONGEST TIME… UNTIL THEY WEREN’T ANYMORE! I CAN LIVE ALL OF MY DREAMS, NOW!”

Sans followed the logic—they were free now, and if Papyrus could live his dreams, he could too!

Except…

Sans remembered some of those dreams Pap had mentioned: getting to drive down an open road for miles with no end in sight, fresh breezes, real sunlight…

Sure, he had all of those things now…but for how long?

“what if…what if you couldn’t, though?” Sans asked, fiddling with his fork. “what if one day, it was all just…gone? we were back underground, trapped all over again, an’…an’ nothin’ we did would make any difference?”

“THAT SOUNDS LIKE IT WOULD BE A HUGE BUMMER.”

The glib delivery startled a laugh out of Sans. For all that he was the comedian of the two of them, he’d never seen a better Straight Man than his brother.

Papyrus knew it, too, if the smug look he wore was any indication.

“WELL, IT’S OBVIOUS TO ME,” he proclaimed, “THAT YOU, DEAR BROTHER, ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOME VERY EXISTENTIAL PROFUNDITY.”

Sans couldn’t deny that. “yeah, pretty much.”

“IN THAT CASE! I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU SOME ADVICE!”

“…heheheh…yeah?”

“YES!” Papyrus exclaimed. “I KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT KEEPING MY SPIRITS UP, EVEN WHEN PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING ELSE IS TERRIBLE. THERE’S A TRICK TO IT, SO YOU WON’T EVEN HAVE TO WORK VERY HARD—I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HATE THAT. WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT?”

Couldn’t hurt…right?

“okay. lay it on me. what’s the trick?”

“MY AMAZING, FOOLPROOF, NEVER-FAIL TRICK TO STAYING POSITIVE……” Sans struggled to hold back a snicker at Papyrus’ suitably dramatic pause. “…IS REMEMBERING THAT NO MATTER WHAT, MY REALLY COOL BROTHER IS GOING TO BE THERE WITH ME! SO EVEN WHEN LIFE ISN’T PERFECT, IT’S STILL PRETTY DARN GOOD!”

Sans’ grin dropped.

“………”

It wasn’t often that he was rendered completely speechless.

But of course, if anyone could do it, it would be Papyrus.

And he wasn’t even done yet.

“YOU’RE ENOUGH, SANS,” he said, brooking no argument. “EVEN IF EVERYTHING SUCKS AND YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT, YOU STILL MATTER. TO A LOT OF PEOPLE…BUT ESPECIALLY TO ME! SO IF YOU EVER NEED A PEP TALK…OR…OR JUST A REGULAR TALK…I’M HERE.”

……he was.

Papyrus was always there.

Even when the entire timeline uprooted and went back to the start, Papyrus was the very first thing Sans woke up to, kicking down his door for sleeping late instead of being at his sentry-post.

Even through the bad runs, Papyrus was there to hold things together when monsters were being dusted or spared all over the place and Sans drove himself crazy trying to guess a reason for which.

(And even…even when he wasn’t there, on the really bad runs…he kind of was still there, giving Sans something to focus on long enough to reach the Judgment Hall.)

Sans was dumbfounded for a few long moments.

How could he ever have forgotten that there was at least one constant, no matter how many RESETs there were?

Papyrus was always a real star, bright and shining.

Maybe Sans couldn’t believe yet that the RESETs were over, or that this peace on the surface world was something that could actually last.

But maybe…

Maybe he could believe in something else.

Sans shortcutted himself to the other side of the table and tugged Papyrus into a hug. His eye-sockets started to feel suspiciously wet, but he ignored it.

“bro…you’re the coolest.”

“NYEH-HEH-HEH, I KNOW!” Papyrus squeezed him back, standing and pulling him right up off the kitchen tile with the force of his hugging. “YOU RAISED ME THAT WAY! SO BY THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY OF COOLNESS, YOU’RE PRETTY COOL, TOO!”

“not as cool as you.”

Papyrus scoffed. “OBVIOUSLY, BUT THAT’S AN IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD! OUR INTENSE, COMBINED RADICALNESS IS BLINDING NONETHELESS!”

Sans started to chuckle. “hey, maybe i oughta start sellin’ sunglasses. y’know, for the poor, unsuspecting saps we pass on the street.”

Papyrus pulled back, squinting at him. “YOU’RE NOT GOING TO START THAT UNLICENSED VENDORING STUFF UP AGAIN, ARE YOU?” he asked. “THAT’S ILLEGAL, YOU KNOW!”

“nah, i won’t, you’re right,” Sans relented. “that’d be pretty…shady of me, wouldn’t it?”

“…………”

Sans was unceremoniously dropped to the floor.

“I TAKE IT BACK,” Papyrus said, a surly look on his skull. “YOU’RE NOT COOL AT ALL—YOU’RE ACTUALLY THE WORST AND I’M DISOWNING YOU.”

Sans laughed, louder and more genuine than he had in…

Stars, how long had it been?

He didn’t think he could say for sure, but it felt good.

The kitchen was getting a little brighter, more light coming in from the window as the sun started to come up outside.

It gave Sans an impulsive thought, and for once, he actually felt like chasing it.

“hey, if i’m disowned, can i still hang out on your porch to watch the sunrise?”

Papyrus, already turning on his heel and feigning aloofness, replied, “TAKE A SCARF, IT’S CHILLY—AND NOT A WORD ABOUT THE COLD ‘GOING RIGHT THROUGH YOU,’ SANS, THAT’S NOT EVEN A JOKE, IT’S A FACTUAL STATEMENT! HAVE SOME PRIDE, PUT SOME EFFORT INTO YOUR WITTICISMS FOR ONCE!”

Sans headed to the coat-rack by the front door, tugging down a skull-print scarf—human fashion, go figure—and putting it on.

“pride?” he echoed in disbelief. “effort? jeez, Pap, who do you think you’re havin’ a conversation wit here?”

Sans didn’t have to wonder if Papyrus heard him all the way from the kitchen, because he heard exactly the sound he’d been hoping for in response: distant and begrudging laughter.

“…NYEH-HEH-HEH, DAMN IT, THAT ONE WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD. GO, ALREADY, OR YOU’RE GOING TO MISS THE PINK CLOUDS! THOSE ARE THE BEST PART!”

It wasn’t until Sans was actually outside, watching the winter sky light up like a watercolor painting, that he realized he had to disagree with Papyrus.

The pink clouds were pretty cool…but when his brother came out to bring him a fresh mug of coffee, dressed in his own signature scarf, Sans couldn’t help but think that the scarlet-orange streaks were way cooler.

Seeing that color up there in the sky…Sans was really starting to feel like he could do anything he wanted up here.

Like it might actually stick.

Watching the sun come up with his brother by his side, Sans was filled with hope.

#undertale #fanfiction #sans #papyrus #myfic

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titleknown · 7 years ago

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Well, I’m right at the door and I got two folks suggestions! Tooth is better than none at least! But, this Toothsome Crown’s got nothing to do with the actual suggestions, so I got no idea why I made that pun! But imma show you anyway!

I got no idea where I got it, I think it has something to do with tooth fairies and how they’re dicks and Fairy Lords don’t even like ‘em, I dunno, but I do know it makes your teeth grow real good! Incredibly good! Dangerouously good! Fangoriously good! And sometimes you have to take the crown off they’re so good!

But, if you’re gonna wear it for a time, for the lovva the Space Gods In Funny Hats make sure to brush it and keep it clean! Bad things happen when you don't brush it! Necrotic things! And also NEVER wear it if you have Tate-Fairchild syndrome which I MUST REMIND YOU does not disable the Westermark Effect, some people just like to pretend it does because they’re horrible!

That last fact had nothing at all to do with the crown, I just thought Tate-Fairchild awareness was important, MOVING ONWARDS!

@nausicaaharris said:

Ooky, ya got any artefacts from underwater cultures, and/or artefacts related to the King in Yellow?

BOY DO I!

Got this one from Carki as a freebie, I’m pretty sure this Hand Operated Clammup was either a religious effigy or some kinda Muppet, tho a lot of places have a lot of overlap! And now it’s a glitchy nightmare come from delving too deep!

Too deep into what? I dunno! Probably not Cthulhu, thing’s the manatee of cosmic horrors I tell you that! It’s contagious tho with that glitchy nonsensemabobbery, and probably useful to sorcerors trying to break reality by altering their bodies to putz with the geometry! For cosmic bumfights or whatever!

I got big into this one in my Moderately-More-A-King-In-Yellow-Fan days! Bought it in bulk from a Little Shop That Wasn’t There Yesterday Opening Day/Going Out Of Business Sale!

I’m pretty sure it’s some sort of really bootleg-y Noh mask, with face-y bits made of what Google Translate tells me are the Japanese characters for No! So you too can wear a Noh Mask that is No Mask! No mask? God I love these puns!

Ain’t worn it though! Thing’s probably evil as hell! And, speaking of hell,

These Faust Masks are kinda a multiversal constant, no matter if you got your music stole or just want a big fancy kingdom at the cost of doing everything wrong! And it gives you the fancy powers of Hell! Sorta!

Well, it’s less than the original dudes, but hey, you get it without selling your soul/the world, so you get what you pay for! Or don’t pay for! I’m not a talksmith!

[Crap, hang on just a sec, I need to search out the other stuff in the box...]

AHA! And, here’s the other stuff by our other asker, who has a very good show on hiatus to produce a very good horror novel trapped in not-very-good development hell, @thehungryreader!

What can you tell us about that thing that looks like a jar of dried cat noses?

I'm also curious about that small medical vial with "♃ " on the label

Well my dear parson... I’d hadn’t the foggiest what you were referring to on the first one until I turned ‘em around. And also, how do you know the contents of this place? ARE YOU READING MY THOUGHTS?! IS THE DAILY TINFOIL I’VE BEEN FEEDING THE HAT NOT WORKING?!

Anyhoo, this is the Kitnose Kit Jar! Yanno how those super-special-awesome-prepared crocodile tongues make living things bigger? These kitty noses make nonliving things smarter! Instant tsukumogami! Even though a depressing amount of magicians don’t get theirs ethically, which is how I got this one. By punching a kitty murdering magician in the face. FOR THE GREATER GOOD!

Of course, if you leave ‘em in the jar long enough the jar itself comes to life. Which, I can’t take ‘em all out, just lookit that vague simulacra of a face? How can you say no? They do regenerate, since living and all, so if I just take a bit out o there I can use ‘em with no harm done! Except when Quentin gets mad I just brought that thrift-shop DVD pile to life. OH WELL!

This one’s called Stan’s Oil! I think it uses nanomachines to make your skin metal and tin-y, IDK, I got it off an infomercial. It said it came right from Oz, but I don’t buy it, and as Royal Oz Historian and Bad Opinion-Haver Regarding King K Rool, you probably don’t either! They used way too much form the movies man, you’d think they’d at least be sellin the meat glue, or gettin a Chopfyt endorsement or something!

Well, that’s why I went to Oz, but anyway, it’s a good body-re-enforcement oil, that you should NEVER EVER let get in the hands of a presidental candidate. Trust me, I played that game of whackamole a couple of years ago, it ain’t fun!

Welp, I gotta go, but if you find any of the stuff from this or the last one in your worlds dear readers, feel free to try and show off them as long as you credit this blog’s host, Thomas F. Johnson, under a CC-BY Vanilla License!

Cause, I gotta have somewhere to hang my heck, and he needs a place to shill his Patreon to stave off existential dread!

Gnight everybody!

#artifacts #magic items #weird fiction #my writing #ooky-spooky #kayfabe #open source characters #drabble #drabbles

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jalilaloui · 4 years ago

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The 15 Funniest Memes of All Time

INTERNET HUMOR ISN'T ALWAYS EASILY EXPLAINABLE, BUT IT'S USUALLY PRETTY HILARIOUS.

If it wasn't for funny memes—you know: quips and pictures that exist solely for straightforward entertainment—Facebook wouldn't be entertaining enough to steal such a lot of some time. Instagram, too, would be little quiet selfies and stylized pictures of food. And Twitter? Don't even get us started. In short, the web would be a joyless barren of constant news alerts, questionably reliable research, and self-aggrandizing social media posts without a number of the internet's funniest memes.

Fortunately, that's a nightmare you do not need to imagine, because of the very fact that funny memes are everywhere—and not going out of favor anytime soon. Herein, we've gathered the funniest memes of all time. Don't worry: We've kept it all SFW. Because if there's one ironclad rule of the web, it's this: Never search for memes on the bad part.

1- Baby Yoda Sipping Soup

Baby Yoda, the unofficial name for "The Child" from the Star Wars television program The Mandalorian, was the most important and cutest meme star of 2019. He's had tons of gif-worthy moments, but this adorable image of him sipping soup takes the cake.

2- is that this a

You don't get to know the anime series this screenshot was taken from to understand the meme. within the original iteration, the person (who's apparently an android within the show) mistakes a butterfly for a pigeon, so this format works for anyone who's ever tried to suit a square peg (coffee) into a round hole (a balanced breakfast).

3- Woman Yells at Confused Cat

The woman in question is Bravo Housewife Taylor Armstrong, and no, she didn't really scream at an innocent cat. But internet magic was made when someone put this screenshot side-by-side with a pet named Smudge who doesn't enjoy a vegetarian diet.

4- Success Kid

Success Kid is for celebrating all those little wins which will give your day a significant lift. So keep going—this little guy is cheering you on.

5- awkward moment seal

This little guy is that the cutest possible meme to accompany all of life's horrible awkward moments. If you would like to cringe until you literally implode, the Awkward Moment Seal possesses your back.

6- Doge

If you're keen on dogs, you'll love the one and only Doge. This Shiba Inu-inspired meme is all about celebrating the great boys and rare puppers in your life. It's no wonder he went viral—who could resist this face?

7-Change My Mind

Political commentator Steven Crowder set down at a table with a symbol challenging people to vary his mind, and a fresh meme was born. If you've got an unpopular opinion you're keen on defending, this is often the meme for you.

8-Drakeposting

Drake didn't twiddle my thumbs on the moves within the video for his song "Hotline Bling." And thus, he inadvertently created the right meme for expressing that you simply like one thing far better than another.

9- Evil Kermit

Every light side features a dark side—even Kermit, as evidenced by this series of funny memes. Fun fact: Evil Kermit is really a personality called Constantine from the movie Muppets favorite.

10- Philosoraptor

All jokes aside, Philosoraptor asks some pretty compelling questions. Maybe the dinosaurs would still be around if all of their big existential queries were answered.

11- Kim Kardashian in Bed

The Kardashians have spread themselves everywhere on the web, so it comes as no surprise that they're the source of the many hilarious memes. This one, with Kim Kardashian staring blankly, is beneficial any time you're really not curious about something somebody else wants you to mention or do.

12- Condescending Wonka

Condescending Wonka is sweet to tug out whenever somebody is getting a touch too big for his or her britches. it is also good to tug out whenever you would like to ascertain Gene Wilder smiling.

13- Crying Dawson

Years after it first aired, a crying scene from the '90s teen drama Dawson's Creek became a vehicle for nostalgic feels and just generally overreacting to things. Even better, the man who gave us Crying Dawson, actor James Van Der Beek,is enough of a good sport about it that he fake-wept again to give us an updated version for our meme files.

14- Arthur's Fist

Whenever something causes you to mad, you'll use Arthur's Fist meme to properly express your emotions. Singer John Legend, who's been mocked by his own wife for his resemblance to the PBS character, even recreated this one.

15- Confused Nick Young

If the guy during this meme looks familiar, that's because it's basketball player Nick Young, last of the Denver Nuggets. Whenever someone says something too absurd for words, you'll just send them this meme—they'll get the hint.

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claudeishere-blog · 8 years ago

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A good book with a bad ending

I cannot say I am not frustrated by this novella. This is the first book I have read by Suskind, who is best known for his book ‘Perfume,’ and though its existentialist crises and dispassionate attitude to a pathetic man, only attached to his room is certainly comical in its dark way was an entertaining play on the typical pathetic man, I personally cannot be at peace with this ending. ‘The pigeon’ is a timeless book which sets up in a ‘One day in the life of ---’ format, with Parisian bank security guard, Jonathan Noel having an existentialist crisis and panic when a pigeon stands in front of his room. Noel is a caricature in his neuroticism, often worrying himself as he overthinks all events surrounding him, and becomes terrified by the smallest inconveniences: in this instance, a pigeon. Noel’s day progresses, becoming more and more certain that this minor inconvenience is too large for him, and that its existence means he must depart his beloved room forever, so as to never see this horrible bird again. *SPOILERS START HERE* However, leaving his room with this untrustworthy bird agitates him, as it is the only connection which he is still attached to, and upon realizing this, figures his pointless life is not worth living. He later checks into a motel, and claims he will kill himself the following morning after some sleep. Instead, he wakes up in the middle of the night, where the very existence of his life is torn apart, and reveals that this 50 year old man who has wasted 30 years working and sleeping was merely a dream. Then, the now 20 year old Jonathan Noel ventures into Paris, swearing to avoid this fate. *SPOILERS END HERE* I must admit, without looking at the ending, this book is a funny portrait of existentialism in everyday life. The ‘One day in the life of a nobody’ works so well on top of this, as every boring detail is highlighted to show how pathetic Noel’s life is. In particular, the detail of his lack of connections to any living people makes everything around him look alien, and vile. A homeless man representing Noel’s worst nightmare, and a pigeon spreading filth and dirtying his otherwise perfect home. Everything that is offered in the book is described with entire detail, from the description of his home, to Noel’s dinner containing a can of sardines and a glazed pear. His life is incredibly boring, which makes the writing so clever, as everything is described to show how little there really is, and honestly makes you bored of his existence just as he is of his own. As a result, I won’t denounce it, it is still a good book, and very worthwhile just reading some of it. It draws out existentialist angst and apathy through intelligent writing and the perfect narrative of spending one day with this pointless man. However, for those who have read it, or spoiled themselves, what do you think should have happened? Tell me your thoughts!

#pigeon #the pigeon #suskind #novella #good reads #good books #book #book review #existnetialism #existential crisis #existentialist dread

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weekendwarriorblog · 4 years ago

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The Weekend Warrior 4/30/21: SEPARATION, LIMBO, THE OUTSIDE STORY, WITHOUT REMORSE, ABOUT ENDLESSNESS and More

Everyone recovering from the Oscars? I’m certainly not, but trying hard, especially cause I gotta jump RIGHT into the Emmys cause the nomination process begins in just six weeks… WTF?! Well, if it’s any consolation, I plan on continuing to include my thoughts on box office as things seem to be slowly getting back to some semblance of normalcy.

There aren’t a ton of new wide theatrical releases this week, at least not many particularly high-profile ones. Open Road/Briarcliff, one of the first studios to begin releasing movies during the pandemic with Liam Neeson’s Honest Thief and The Marksman, neither which grossed more than $15 million domestically, is the only studio taking on the 2nd weekends of Mortal Kombat and Demon Slayer.

eThis week, they release William Brent Bell's supernatural thriller SEPARATION (Open Road/Briarcliff), which stars Rupert Friend as Jeff, a failed comic book artist, whose wife Maggie (Mamie Gummer) wants a divorce and is fighting for custody of their daughter Jenny (Violet McGraw) in said divorce, before she's killed in a hit and run. That leaves Jeff and Jenny alone in their brownstone with Maggie’s father (Brian Cox) wanting to take Jenny away, and...oh, yeah, the vengeful ghost of Maggie causing all sorts of trouble.

Before we get to my review, which I wasn’t able to run until Thursday anyway, let’s talk about box office. We’re coming off one of the best weekends at the box office since the pandemic hit with both Mortal Kombat and Demon Slayer opening with over $21 million each. While I don’t expect Separation to have much of an effect on either, there’s no denying that both movies are very likely to be frontloaded, and I would be surprised if either of the movies has less than 55% drop-of from opening, but I think Mortal Kombat may stay ahead for a second weekend at #1 with around $10 million. I’d put Demon Slayer at closer than $9.5 million.

I’m not sure how many theaters Open Road will get for Separation, although theaters chains should be grateful to them for taking a chance on movies back in the fall when New York and L.A. were yet to reopen. I think it may be able to swing close to 2,000 theaters and that should be enough for it to do around $4 million this weekend, which would be better than Screen Gems’ The Unholy a few weeks back. I wouldn’t expect good reviews or a CinemaScore above a C-, so it’ll act like most horror movies and will probably will end up in the $12 million total domestic gross.

So let’s get to that review of Separation, which looks like your typical cliché-ridden horror movie, because guess what? It is!! Bell is a perfectly capable filmmaker, but somehow, he keeps directing complete horror schlock like last year’s very bad Brahms: The Boy 2. I have to assume his Orphan prequel next year isn’t going to be much better. It’s another classic case of white male filmmaker failing upwards, because he keeps getting movies to direct after every bad previous movie.

We meet young Jenny as she's talking to her creepy dolls while her parents fight, and when Jenny falls, it’s the last straw for Maggie who files for divorce with her lawyer father really putting the screws to Jeff. To be honest, Maggie is such a bitch that you don’t really feel much sympathy when she’s suddenly dead. Her father has no sympathy for Jeff and just wants to get Jenny away from him. During this time, Jeff starts getting work as a comic book artist, and while references to the Eisners and Maus are certainly entertaining, there’s another part of the movie that just gets the whole “comic book artist lifestyle” pretty wrong.

The thing is no one will come into Separation for most of that stuff, which is why one wonders why Bell would spend so much time on the family drama aspect of the movie while throwing in a few occasional scares, mostly of the variety we’re used to seeing in “ghost movies” these days, complete with the “bendy bone” apparition, in this case with a creepy clown face.

Even though the cast is good, especially the adorable Violet McGraw, who is constantly stealing scenes from her more experienced co-stars, there is just too much about the movie that makes you laugh, and not deliberately. Besides the odd overall portrayal of the comic book business, there’s also Jeff’s adoring babysitter Samantha (Madeline Brewer from A Handmaid’s Tale), who starts making overtures towards him despite their obvious age difference.

Then every once in a while, we get a creepy scene like Jeff’s experience on a subway or we see a black robed ghost that represents Jeff’s angry wife, and the whole way through this, you can’t help but think, “Boy, Mamie Gummer was lucky to get hit by a car early on, so she wouldn't have to be here for the rest of the movie.”

It all leads to a last act where the movie suddenly starts to get good then throws an absolutely horrible twist at the viewer that just doesn’t work. That and all of the many horror clichés that pervade the movie just makes this an awkward and disjointed mess that never really manages to define itself from dozens of similarly bad horror movies.

Another movie getting some sort of of moderate to wide-ish release is Ben Sharrock’s LIMBO (Focus Features), which was recently nominated for a couple BAFTA film awards. It stars Amir El-Masry as Omar, a Turkish refugee in a dreary Scottish seaside farming village, who is just trying to make his way surrounded by other refugees.

Every once in a while -- like every other movie -- Focus Features releases a movie that I just don’t get why they’re bothering with, and here is one of those quirky movies that I feel will appeal to a very small niche audience. I have no idea how many theaters Focus might get this into, but this would be a platform New York and L.A. platform release at best in the “before times,” so trying to put this into more than 100 theaters is just asking for a lot of near empty rooms. Facts are facts.

I guess I can say a few words about this, even though I don’t have much to say. It’s certainly strange -- not necessarily witty or even laugh-out-loud funny -- and that doesn’t exactly make it very good. The main actor has the charisma of a piece of cardboard, so he struggles to get the audience really behind him. Most of the time he spends interacting with other characters and talking on a remote payphone in the middle of nowhere to his mother and father back in Turkey.

Oddly, this movie reminded me of the movie Lemon for some reason -- maybe the four letters in common?-- and as “luck” would have it, two of the actors appear in ANOTHER movie opening this week -- how’s that for a strange coincidence? It might be due to the couple of Helga and Boris who are teaching the refugees on Western ways, including an opening dance sequence that’s actually a class titled “Sex: Is A Smile An Invitation?” (Spoiler: It’s not.) They are generally more interesting than any of the refugee characters, which probably wasn’t Sharrock’s intention. The refugee performances are just kind of dry and non-dynamic, and that’s a real hindrance in getting the audience to empathize with them.

To Sharrock’s credit, Limbo never goes to some of the more obvious places in terms of putting Omar in a romance, and it only starts paying off in the last act when we get an emotional moment between Omar and his brother, and we finally get to see him playing the “oud” (a Turkish lute, of sorts), which he’s supposed to be a master of. Otherwise, the movie just seems to drive home the obvious, that life sucks for refugees, and that’s about it.

Limbo isn’t a terrible movie, but it’s just so bland and disjointed and even somewhat generic for so much of it that even the eventual payoff doesn’t necessarily win you over.

Also getting a theatrical release this weekend is Chinese auteur Zhang Yimou’s latest film, CLIFF WALKERS (CMC Pictures), which I tried to get a screener for but sadly, too late to review it. It’s a spy thriller about four Chinese special agents who embark on a secret mission to the puppet state of Manchukuo in the ‘30s. It stars Zhang Yi, Yu Hewei, Qin Hailu and Zhu Yawen, and I wouldn’t be surprised if CMC gets this into 200 or 300 screens. With very little promotion here in the States, I don’t expect this to make much of a mark here.

Apparently, Terrence Howard also has a new movie out this week called TRIUMPH, in which he co-stars with RJ Mitte from Breaking Bad and is directed by Brett Leonard. Apparently it’s only in Cinemark Theaters, and it’s inspired by Michael D. Coffey’s true story with Mitte playing a high school senior who tries to be a wrestler despite having cerebral palsy.

Also if you’re looking for something to see in theaters, Edgar Wright’s Scott Pilgrim vs. the World is finally getting its 10th anniversary re-release in theaters this weekend, including Dolby Theaters for the first time. That’s what I’m doing on Sunday with my movie pals, Erica and Mike Streeter.

Another movie getting a limited theatrical release is Roy Andersson’s ABOUT ENDLESSNESS (Magnet), the latest from the auteur king of Swedish existentialism, which will also be available via virtual cinema as well as in those select theaters.

I’m not quite sure what to say about Andersson’s latest, because I’ve never really understood the appeal even as other film critics rave about movies like A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence and You, The Living and others. Like those, Andersson seems to specialize in disparate episodic segments about random characters that seem to have absolutely no connection. In this case, there’s a priest who has lost his faith who is first shown dragging a cross up a hill as onlookers barely batting an eye that turns out to be a nightmare.

If you think the movie is going to spend any time following this priest’s struggle, you obviously don’t know Andersson, because instead, we keep being introduced to different characters from a bored woman’s voice-over, every once in a while cutting to a couple floating over the city for no apparent reason. Every once in a while, a few words are spoken but then we’re off to the next vignette.

Sorry, but I have very little time to watch a movie that doesn’t seem to have any interest in plot or story, two of the most important things for any movie in my book, and believe me, this is not the first time I’ve tried to give Andersson a chance because a few hundred cinephiles can’t be wrong, can they?

Yes, in fact, they can and they are, because the almost-80-year-old Andersson is the type of filmmaker who will continue along with this super-niche audience enjoying his quirky non-sequiturs that I just find super dull and pointless.

The latest movie based on a Tom Clancy novel is TOM CLANCY’S WITHOUT REMORSE, which begins streaming via Amazon Prime Video starting Friday. It stars Michael B. Jordan as Navy Seal John Kelly, who has a mission go South in Aleppo, Syria, and when he comes home, he becomes a target for Russian Nationalist soldiers who end up killing his wife. In order to find those responsible, Kelly is pulled into a mission by CIA Agent Robert Ritter (Jamie Bell) and fellow Seal Karen Greer (Jodie Turner-Smith from Queen and Slim) to go after those responsible for his wife’s death only to discover a plot to try to put America and Russia back at war.

Before you get to my review, you can read my interview with director Stefano Sollima over at Below the Line.

So let’s get in this. I’m by no means any sort of Tom Clancy fan, neither of the books nor the movies, not that I haven’t tried, at least with the movies, as I haven’t read any of the books, nor have I gotten around to watching John Krasinski’s Jack Ryan yet, but other than the Harrison Ford movies, nothing has really gotten me very interested in the “Ryanverse”... so WIthout Remorse and join the list of not-particularly-interesting movies based on Clancy books.

It’s certainly not Michael B. Jordan’s fault, since he’s a great lead, and I even thought Sollima did a decent job particularly with the bigger action set pieces that would have been great to see on the big screen rather than on a television set.

I guess part of it is that I really didn’t have any particular interest in knowing more about the John Clark character from the Clancy movies I have seen to see his origins modernized and pulled out of the ‘80s Cold War in which Clancy very deliberately set them vs. the modern political world with everything happening overseas.

Part of my problem is that I just didn’t really care for Jodie Turner-Smith as a soldier with her beautiful hair shaved off, as I just didn’t think she could pull off the toughness that one expects from a soldier of Greer’s status, especially after seeing her in Queen and Slim. I know I’ve seen Jamie Bell in things I’ve liked and better than he is in this movie, which seems to be him basically phoning it in as a character who should have far more layers.

I guess when it comes down to it, we do have to blame Sollina for not working from a stronger script, even though this movie has been in development for over a decade, but it’s also not too surprising after watching it why Paramount Pictures figured it would make more money selling it off to Amazon than releasing it theatrically.

Essentially, Without Remorse is another action-thriller with lots of bullets and explosions that still comes across as exceedingly dull and bland. Surely, Clancy’s books must be better than this to have built such a fanbase over the years.

Opening digitally and for download is Casimir Nozkowski’s THE OUTSIDE STORY (Samuel Goldwyn Films), starring the great Brian Tyree Henry, recently seen in Godzilla Vs. Kong, as editor and filmmaker Charles Young, who is getting over his break-up with his girlfriend Isha (Sonequa Martin-Greents) when he gets locked out of his apartment building. As he tries to get back in, he (and we) meet all sorts of strange and funny characters who may or may not help him.

I ended up really liking this movie a lot, because as with most of his characters, Henry creates a really likeable hero for us, and Nozkowski gives him a great story to really explore a lot more areas of humor than we get to see him do in most movies. This is pretty much a straight up comedy of errors, but it also offers quite a bit of poignancy through Charles’ interactions with various neighbors and them commenting on how he misses his girlfriend. (He broke up with her because she confessed to making out with another woman.) Oddly, I can relate to a lot of what Charles goes through, which definitely helped me connect more with his character.

Nozkowski’s fun script managed not only to get Henry on board, but also the likes of the great Sunita Mani as a beat cop writing up cars whose meters have expired and Matthew Maher, who you’ve seen in everything. The only real weak link as far as the ensemble was young Olivia Edward, who just isn’t up to the other actors in terms of the humor. I can understand why Nozkowski would want to include a young girl in the movie as one of Charles’ neighbors but that was my least favorite part of the film.

Otherwise, The Outside Story is a wonderful and lovely indie, showing off Brian Tyree Henry’s terrific range as a genuinely likable character, and I guess that makes it my favorite movie of this particular week.

Another movie opening this via streaming this week is Dave Grohl’s WHAT DRIVES US, which will be available via something called “The Coda Collection,” which I really have no idea what that is, and unfortunately, I also didn’t get to see this, because I’m sure I would have liked it as much as Grohl’s previous docs and the HBO series Sonic Highways. If I do find time to watch it, maybe I’ll add a few thoughts in an upcoming column.

Hitting Disney+ on Friday is the Soul prequel short, 22 Vs. EARTH, directed by Pixar editor Kevin Nolting, who I also interviewed. It features Tina Fey voicing her lead character from Soul, 22, and it takes place before she meets Joe Gardner as she’s trying to find a few young souls to help her in her boycott of going to Earth rather than remaining in the Great Before. It’s fun and quick (just six minutes) but it’s cute, and something obviously only meant for those who want to know more about her Soul character.

A movie I missed when it was released back in late February but will be available on DVD this week is Nicholas Jarecki’s CRISIS, a tense ensemble thriller about a different pandemic, the rise in opioid addiction and the huge criminal (and legal pharmaceutical) industry that feeds that addiction to the tune of billions of dollars a year. It features an impressive cast that includes Gary Oldman, Armie Hammer, Greg Kinnear, Evangeline Lilly, Lily-Rose Depp, and Michelle Rodriguez, and it’s a really strong dramatic thriller that reminded me a bit of Steven Soderbergh’s Traffic.

I have a feeling that all the issues Hammer was facing around the time (and still) may have prevented Jarecki’s movie from getting much publicity, but Hammer plays one of the three main characters, so if his presence bothers you, I can’t really do much about that. Hopefully that doesn’t put you off learning about a very serious situation facing many families, and Jarecki takes a tough situation and manages to explore it with a decent and entertaining movie. I also thought Lilly was fantastic as a mother trying to get over her own addiction when her son dies seemingly of an opiate overdose. She doesn’t believe it, so she starts her own investigation.(Hammer's federal agent also deals with a family member addicted to opiates, in this case his sister played by Lily Rose-Depp. Of course, Oldman is always great, and that’s the case here, too. It’s just another intense drama from the director of 2012’s Arbitrage that goes as far and deep into the topic of opioid addiction as that movie did with the stock market.

Also on digital this week is Michael Loven’s dark comedy-thriller MURDER BURY WIN (Gravitas Ventures) about three close friends trying to make a game, and it’s quite witty and entertaining. Also out digitally this week is Michael Parks Randa and Lauren Smitelli’s inclusive summer musical, BEST SUMMER EVER (Freestyle Digital Media), which is also kicking off this week’s ReelAbilities Film Festival on Thursday.

The new Apple TV+ series THE MOSQUITO COAST will also debut on that streamer service on Friday, while the very entertaining animated feature THE MITCHELLS VS. THE MACHINES, which I reviewed last week will stream on Netflix starting on Friday, as well.

This week also sees the start of the 50th Anniversary New Directors New Films at Film and Lincoln Center and MOMA (Museum of Modern Art), which I wrote about a few weeks ago, but unfortunately, there really isn’t much in there that interests me, so I haven’t seen anything.

Movies that I just wasn’t able to get to this week, mostly available digitally:

DUTY FREE (This is actually opening for a one week preview at New York’s reopened IFC Center)

WILDCAT (Saban Films)

THE RESORT (Vertical)

PERCY vs. GOLIATH (Saban Films/Paramount)

THE VIRTUOSO (Lionsgate)

FOUR GOOD DAYS (Vertical Entertainment)

GOLDEN ARM (Utopia Films)

That’s it for this week. I always feel a sigh of relief when I actually get to sit down and write this column, and I’m actually able to finish it. It feels like a bit of a pyrrhic victory, but I’m still not quite up to where I was last year in terms of watching and reviewing. We’ll see if things improve this summer. The next few weeks are absolutely slammed with new movies, too, because even though Black Widow has been delayed until July, there are a ton of movies still being released. Next week, the latest from Guy Ritchies, Wrath of Man, reuniting him with Jason Statham.

#TheWeekendWarrior #Movies #Reviews #Separation #without remorse #the outside story #Limbo #AboutEndlessness

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parentingguide8-blog · 6 years ago

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50 Concerned Parents On The Creepiest Words Their Demon Child Has Ever Spoken

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50 Concerned Parents On The Creepiest Words Their Demon Child Has Ever Spoken

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Cataloged in Creepy

50 Concerned Parents On The Creepiest Words Their Demon Child Has Ever Spoken

January Nelson Updated November 24, 2018

These horrifying stories from Ask Reddit will make you second guess whether you want to have kids.

1. When my oldest son was about three, he said one night at bed time, “Mommy I like you better than my fake mommy.”

Me: “Who’s your fake mommy?”

Him: “You can’t see her. She tucks me in after you do.”

2. My niece was about 4 when I heard her laughing in my room. I walked in and asked her what she was doing and she said, “Chucky says if you stick your fingers in your eyes they come out of your mouth.” Then she told me Chucky lived underground. Still gives me chills.

3. Picked him up from daycare when he was 3. Driving home, totally quiet, him just staring out the window…

He randomly asks, “Hey dad, ‘member that time we died in a fire?”

4. My 3 year old daughter was going through the monsters under her bed phase. Lasted for weeks, and it was really wearing on her mom and me.

One night after mom tried to put her to bed, she tagged me in. After 30 minutes, I grew pretty frustrated. In a last ditch attempt, I promised my daughter that there weren’t any monster under her bed. She replied, “I know. Now they’re behind you.”

After that, I let her sleep with us for a week.

5. I heard the one-year-old’s high chair move even though nobody was near it. I asked the three-year-old, “What was that?” and he said, while pointing to the chair, “What is SHE doing here!?”

6. He started refusing to go downstairs (age around 3-3.5), terrified, saying there was an evil ‘angel man’ down there that wanted to hurt the whole family. Consistently drew the same picture of said angel man too.

7. This was terrifying. When I was a teenager I was babysitting for a family with three young children. The boy was about 8 and the girls were in kindergarten. Their parents had driven an hour away to see a play, but still planned to be home early in the night. However, I got a call that they had been in a minor car accident and would be home a couple hours later than planned. They asked several times how/if the boy was sleeping, which should have been a red flag, but I simply said that all the children were sleeping and left it there. About an hour goes by, and it’s definitely nighttime now. I’m sitting on a sofa downstairs and looking through some old magazines to pass the time. Suddenly I hear shuffling on the staircase. The boy was clearly sleepwalking, but his eyes were open and rolled back. He started running his hands along the wall and grabbing family pictures while screaming “they all must go, they all must go” before throwing the pictures down the stairs. Once I overcame a moment of sheer panic, I rushed up the stairs and tried to grab him. Once I’m about half a foot away from him he starts screaming, “If you touch me you die, if you touch me you die,” followed by manic laughter. By this point the sound of crashing glass and screaming has woken up the girls, and I can hear them crying. Totally freaked out, but still focused on keeping the kid from falling down the stairs, I grab the boy by the back of his pajamas and lead him back up the rest of the stairs and towards his room. When we get to his doorway he calmly walks to his bed and gets back in as if nothing has happened. Flabbergasted, I go over to his bed and he is perfectly sound asleep. I can still hear the girls crying so I rush to their room. They are huddled together in the back corner crying. I say, “Oh no no, it’s okay your brother is okay, he’s just sleepwalking, he’s fine!” One of the little girls looks at me and says, “We know he can’t help it, Simon makes him do it.” That was the last straw for me. I didn’t ask anymore questions, brought the girls downstairs with me, gave them milk and cookies, turned on the radio and turned every single light on. Parents walk in, and know immediately what happened. Never babysat for that family again.

8. My oldest kept talking in his bed past bed time. When we asked him who he was talking to he said he was talking to the floating white lady. I don’t remember the description he gave us, but what I DO remember is kid #3 doing the same fucking routine 8 years later…

9. My 3 year old grandson has babbled about plane crashes since he started talking. He would reenact (with toys) a plane chasing another plane and as the first suddenly dropped to the ground he’d yell in a heart-rending scream, “OH NO WE CRASHED!” This was his first sentence. He did this over and over.

Early this summer he’s 3 and I’m reading him a bedtime story. I pause and look up at him and he said to me, “Granny, I was a pilot, my plane was the Kitty Hawk. I crashed into the water when they shotted off my wing and shotted off my face.”

It almost stopped my heart.

He looked so troubled and sad. I told him that he had done his best and I was very proud of him and that he was only a little boy now and needed to not worry about that but if he needed to talk about it he could anytime. I just hugged him.

I researched and Kitty Hawks were used by almost every country early in WW2.

10. Not a parent, but when my little brother was 4 and I was like 18 we were playing with Hot Wheels cars. He just started singing the alphabet song, which is normal for kids to just start singing at random times, but he had a twist to it: “A, B, C, D, E, F, G… Everyone is dead…” I just looked t him for a moment and then just kept playing with cars Kids are weird, man.

11. My son (7)…

Dreamily and out of nowhere: Today is the day I’m going to die

Me: What??

Him: Oh no mom don’t worry, not today, but on this date some other year.

12. When my cousin was a kid, there was a doll at a toy shop that she longed for, for months. She was a fabric doll with a painted face, had red hair made from yarn, and a green, printed dress. She got the doll for Christmas and fairly soon after had a dream that the doll was laughing and pulling out her toenails. She was so freaked out that they had to get rid of the doll. A couple of months ago, my cousin’s 8 year old son came to her after a nightmare about a mean doll and described my cousin’s doll exactly!

13. When my daughter was little she was crying and I went to check on her. She said she couldn’t get the picture to go away. I said what picture? She pointed to an empty spot on the rug. I asked her what it was a picture of. She said it was my car on fire.

I was leaving for a long road trip a couple days later. I never drove so carefully in my life.

14. One night my husband had gone out with friends and I had settled in for some Netflix after the kids went to bed. My son got up and walked past the bathroom to where I was sitting then stopped. He had dead eyes. I asked him if he was ok, did he need the bathroom, did he have a bad dream, and although he turned his face towards me he didnt answer and his expression didn’t change. It was like he was possessed or zombified.

I led him into the bathroom and he followed easily enough but just stood by the toilet. When I told him to pull down his pants he did, but I still had to say, “Now go pee,” like he couldn’t figure it out on his own. He would follow direct orders but not answer questions, wouldn’t talk at all and had a dead expression the entire time. I was getting more and more frantic trying to get him to respond to me or show that he could hear me, I called my husband and told him he needed to come home, something wasn’t right. Sat on the side of the tub panicking and almost crying and he just stood there and watched me impassionately.

After about fifteen minutes he tilted his head, and blood started running out of his nose and down his face. No reaction out of him at all. I grabbed a handful of toilet paper, shoved it under his nose and told him to hold it – he did, blank faced, then picked my phone up to call 911. Before I was done dialing my son said “….Mom? What’s going on?”

It was so unexpected and my tensions were so high I jumped and almost screamed. Told him he was having a nosebleed, he said he didnt remember anything at all. Asleep in his bed and woke up in the bathroom with his mom crying and his nose bleeding. That was the day I realized my kid was a sleepwalker and I was a total wimp of a mom.

15. My daughter was in the backseat looking out the window and just calmly says, “Mommy look at all the people ” She was pointing at a cemetery that just has plaques no head stones so it looks like a pretty field. And she was 2 and there wasn’t a living soul around for miles. I just turned on the radio and acted like everything was fine. It wasn’t.

16. Not necessarily what the kid did, but heard him scream horribly loud on the monitor. My girl said there’s a black figure standing over his bed.

I jump up and as soon as I do the basement door flung open, my dog freaked the fuck out running, I ran upstairs, grabbed my son and we stayed at my mom’s lol.

My fiancee had an existential crises because she now believes in ghosts.

Funny enough I knew the family and dude who died in our house, so I went in the attic and found suitcases right above my son’s room, with the guy who died dead sons things were. Me and my cousin grabbed them and returned the items to the dead sons old wife.

Did an “exorcism” when all sorts of weird shit happened. We recorded it and got video of his camera and mount getting ripped off the counter. The stand held going 100 mph on the outside of a car, and wouldn’t come loose unless a tab was pulled, on top of that batteries died about 20x faster than they should have.

Although after we did that Rex (the dead owners dead son) never came back.

Turns out Rex was a dick in life. So scaring my kid wasn’t out if the question.

17. Not my kid, but I was at my friends place for a cookout. His son opened the sliding glass door, tapped on the side of his house, and said, “I’m going to burn this down.” He then casually walked inside and shut the door.

18. My cousin’s kid:

Middle of the night got dad’s hunting knife out and stabbed the leather couch over 50 times. He’s 5.

19. My one year old will point to a spot on the ceiling, say awwww, make grabby hands towards it then begin tracking whatever it is she sees and blowing kisses at it. I’m pretty sure it’s satan. Nothing good lives on the ceiling.

20. I used to say things my grandfather used to say a lot. Like yelling out in German at our dog. My grandfather died years before I was born.

21. Driving with my (then) 3 year old cousin. Out of nowhere she screamed . I asked her what was wrong and she said it was the . I don’t know who taught her that.

22. Found a picture of a lady in a fancy hat while on a walk. Six year old declared the lady was dead. She then said we should find the grave, dig up the body and wear her skin. We could use the skeleton for Halloween decorations.

23. I’m not a parent but am a nanny. This was a little over a year ago. I asked my 3 year old boy charge to do something simple… clean up a toy or throw out a napkin from lunch, some menial task like that, which he does a dozen times a day. He shook his head, and I reminded him about cleaning up after ourselves.

He said, “I can’t. The man in the floors says no.” I got a little chill and asked him what he meant. He pointed at a heating/cooling vent in the floor and said, “You can’t make me do it.”

It never came up again. So far, no man in any of the floors or vents.

24. Not a parent, but one time my brother at around age 6-7 (he’s 10 now) mentioned an old apartment we used to live in years before he was born. I asked him how he knew about it, and he said “Before I was born, Jesus showed me and said ‘This is going to be your future family.’” Our family / community isn’t religious at all.

25. Not my child but my granddaughter. 7 years old at the time grabbed my face looked me in the eyes and said… “I love you so much I want to cut your head off and put it in my back pack, so you’ll always be with me.”

After I explained to her that she couldn’t do that because I would die, she said, “Oh well that’s life.” She’s 13 now, my head is still attached to my body so I’m good so far. I’ve asked her if remembers saying that to me, she doesn’t and thought what a horrible thing to say.

26. Sleeping in bed, wife was at work, sense someone at the side of my bed. I slowly opened my eyes to see my 5 year old standing at the edge of the bed.

“Whats going on?”

“They’re coming for us”

“What?”

He proceeded to walk back to his bedroom and go to bed. We discovered that he was a sleepwalker, who also suffered from night terrors (the night we discovered that one is another horrifying night).

27. When my oldest daughter was in Kindergarten, she wrote and illustrated her first book titled “I Hope You Die in a Fire.”

28. A few month back. I had just put my 3 year son to bed a couple hours prior and I was downstairs watching TV. I hear him calling out, so I go up to see what he wants.

He tells me that there is a ghost in his room. He’s not really scared or anything only ghost that he is aware of are the ones in some of his cartoons or during Halloween.

So I just look around the room and tell him I don’t see anything and that ghost are not real.

He looks square into my eyes and say. “No Dad, Ghost went in my mouth, down my throat and is in my tummy. “

Hmm. Ok son go back to sleep now. Cause I may not.

29. I woke up one time to my 3-4 year old brother tossing lemon heads on my face. I asked him what he was doing and he admitted to trying to get them in my mouth so I could choke and die. I was like holy fuck that’s a little fucked, and told my parents but they laughed and said it was just him being a dumb but cute kid.

30. “Mommy, will you ever hurt me with a knife” I told her no. She followed up with, “Ok good. I know some moms do that.” She was 3 when this happened. She had never seen videos or anything that showed child abuse, so I’m not sure how she was aware that some parents hurt their kids. She’s also never been abused by anyone.

31. Not my kid but nephew.

He went through this phase of being absolutely terrified of going to sleep in his room (I’m sure all kids go through this eventually). I babysat a couple of times during this phase – we basically had to sit beside his bed and help him fall asleep, and he’d usually wake up shortly after you left the room and start crying.

His reason? “The big dark scary man standing in the corner with red eyes doesn’t want me to sleep.”

32. When my son was about five he started having night terrors. Eyes wide open, he would stare into an abyss of his own devise and scream with the chilling ferocity of hell itself. I would hold him and rock his rigid little body until he loosened back to sweaty deep sleep. What I never told my husband or the pediatrician, or even my mother, was that I was afraid of him during those nighttime bouts of what looked and felt like nothing less than possession. I was afraid of my own sweet child and wanted to run away.

33. When my daughter was 4-5 years old we lived in a two bedroom townhouse. It was just the two of us (mom and daughter, her dad passed away). She always crept into my bed at night but never said why. One day we were cleaning her room and putting away laundry and she got very agitated and said, “Why is he here now? He said he only comes at night.” I asked if she was talking about Dad. She said, “No the boy with no hands.”

We moved a few months later and she’s never come into my bed at night or mentioned him since.

34. My three year old: ‘I want to make everyone not alive’

….ooooookaaay little buddy

35. When my son was 3, he had an existential crisis. He had just discovered death, and every night as I was going to sleep, he would fixate on the fact that everyone is going to die. A lifelong atheist, I found myself talking to him about heaven, just hoping something would reassure him and make him worry less and maybe go to sleep for a few hours. But this nightly anxiety attack over the inevitability of death went on for months.

One night, I’ve calmed him down, he’s quiet for a long time, I think he’s finally asleep, I’m about to tiptoe out of the room, when loud and clear he says:

“MAMA WILL DIE TOMORROW.”

I knew this was just lis latest bout of worry, but he said it with such conviction I spent the whole next day holding my breath. Maybe he knew something I didn’t!

36. I was asking my 3 year old if he remembered being born then I asked him if he remembered what happened before he was born (because of reddit threads like this and the creepy answers they sometimes give). Without missing a beat or any prompting from me other than the question he goes “I was in a helicopter that go round and round and round then BOOM into the ground!”

37. My daughter was about 8 when she asked, “What’s it called when your parents die and you go live with someone else, who are the people?” I answer/asked, “Godparents?” To which she replied, “You and dad should get those.” Huh? Am I dying? Are you dying? I’m confused and terrified!

38. A few weeks ago I was getting breakfast ready for my 3 year old when he nonchalantly told me his Grandma fell down the stairs. About an hour later Grandpa calls us to tell us Grandma had fallen down the stairs.

Also last weekend my 3 year old said my sister was going to visit the next day and guess who showed up for a ‘surprise’ visit…

39. When my special needs son was 10, he had to have a very serious surgery. It was an 8 hour procedure and it was a pretty risky operation. We did not tell him these risks. Right before they wheeled him into surgery, he hugged me and said “Goodbye. Forever…” He made it through and his quality of life was dramatically improved by the surgery. Scariest 8 hours of my life though.

40. Well, this morning I was lying in bed, my almost 2 year old came up, put her face right up to mine and I though maybe she wanted a kiss. Then she said, “Mama, I want eat your eyes please.”

41. Not my parents, but a story they tell me about myself when I was young. When I was 3 we moved into a new home. We were eating dinner in our big, somewhat creepy new house when I stop and stare at the ceiling. My parents ask if everything’s okay. I shush them and reply “We have to be quite. We don’t want to wake up Marcus.”

Well we don’t know any Marcus so my parents silently freak out thinking maybe I saw a “ghost” or something. Long story short when I visited my uncles They would tell me to stay quiet cause their neighbour (Marcus) lived above them. Definitely spooked my parents good

42. Not my son, but a friend’s son said “Uncle (me) is gonna die in the water.”

Me and his dad:”WTF?? How?”

Him: “He’s gonna fall from a bridge and die in the water.”

He walks out of the room laughing. He’s 4.

43. It’s one in the morning, I’m dead asleep with my wife in the living room reading. All of the sudden the baby monitor is blaring my 16 month old son’s laughter in my ear, so I jump up, run into his room, and he’s standing in his crib pointing at the corner of the room and giggling hysterically. I just stared at him for a few seconds before I grabbed him and put him in bed with me.

44. Once when my toddler was hugging me he quietly said “I won’t eat your bones.” Oh, uh…much obliged…

45. When my daughter was around 4 yrs old, she had a habit of waking me up by getting 4 inches from my face and staring at me until I opened my eyes. Once my eyes opened, she’d say, “Mommy your face is pretty. I want to wear it on my face.”

Ok, Hannibal, let’s get some breakfast.

46. I have twin daughters. One day while playing outside, one looked up at the sky and said, “The sky is cracked… and on fire.”

My other daughter looked up and said, “Yes…. the people are screaming.”

Then they went back to playing with dolls. Fingers crossed they’re not predicting the future, everybody!

47. My three year old son said, “Next time I’m a baby, I want to have green eyes.” I asked him if he had been a different baby before being who he currently is, and he squinted his eyes, looked at me like I was an idiot, and said, “Yes, papa.”

48. Not my kid, but a neighbor. Maybe 7-8 years old.

“Hey Mr. Soomuchcoffee, whatcha doin!?”

“Bringing in groceries dude.”

“Can I come inside your house?”

“Oh, nah buddy. I’m busy, and your mom would wonder where you went, I don’t think she’d like that too much.”

“You mean I really can’t?”

“Yeah bud. Sorry. Maybe another time when you mom knows where you’re at.”

“I…I’m gonna use my gun and put a virus in your brain so that you die!”

“I uh….ya. Alrighty then. Welp, groceries bye bye now!”

49. “I want to play “Frozen” but only the part where the parents die in a shipwreck.”

50. A kid once sat near a camp fire and seemed to be lost in thoughts. I asked what he is thinking about. This 6 year old said, “I wish I was high up in space and the whole world was on fire. That would be beautiful.”

is cataloged in Creepy Kids

January Nelson

January Nelson is a writer, editor, dreamer, and occasional exotic dancer. Her work has appeared on Facebook, …

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