#So unless I actually know the lyrics I'm some sort of odd thing that doesn't understand human language but can create similar sounds lol

[seafoam-taide]

I don't know if I have a good or bad singing voice or whatever but what I do know is I do my absolute best to mimic whatever I'm listening to with my voice

[aloneandunreal]

may 1st, 2022

"'cause you're just a man, it's just what you do"

a lyric from lana del rey's song "norman fucking rockwell" that i could relate to in a way, at least with the situation i've been in lately. it's not even really a situation, just me being dramatic, but what's new. i haven't posted on here in awhile, actually, and there is a surprising amount of updates. but i don't think i'll get into it. at least not entirely. long story short, things have been good lately. it's spring semester, finals are coming up. a bit nervous for that, and just the fact that my freshman year is... well, about to be over. that's a bit weird to think. but anyway, back to lana del rey and me being somewhat poetic (jokes). i have a crush on this guy, yes, i know, crazy. i haven't had a crush on anyone in years, so it's weird having one. on one hand, it's nice. just to have someone to think about and (secretly) think up scenarios of being together. and just the excitement (and nervousness) of seeing him. but on the other hand, it's disappointing, to be frank. men are disappointing, and i'm saying that in a "everyone knows this" type of way. they are. they just don't have the same emotional depth as women, they hardly ever think. they're not very thoughtful. i know this is stereotyping, but at least with guys my age, it's true. and it's not necessarily a negative thing, it's just something they don't realize. and the guy i like is, well, sort of like this. he's just oblivious i think. i don't think he knows i like him like that, which is both a good and bad thing. good, because all my life, crushes have been something that you've kept a secret and not pursued unless you were pursued first. bad, because then he doesn't know i'm interested. not that he would even be interested in me in the first place, but yanno. a girl can wish.

there have been some signs of him being interested in me, but then i have to remember he's just... a man. he doesn't think so deeply into gestures as i -- and many other women -- do. these "gestures" i've been reading into probably mean nothing to him, but everything to me. it's unfortunate. but maybe, just maybe, he does know what he's doing. maybe there is a lick of interest there. but i'm going to try not to get my hopes up. which i've already failed, so i'm not sure why i'm saying that. i still read into basically everything he does. but, my friends tell me that some of the stuff he does definitely shows interest. BUT, my friends are also women. and we all look too deeply into everything. i need to be more chill and nonchalant with my crushes, but it's hard. i just want someone to show genuine interest in me. which is impossible, i guess. i don't think anyone could ever really love me romantically, find me pretty, you know. but anyway, enough about insecurity. i talk about that too much.

this guy... he's just... complicated, but also not really. he's so UNcomplicated, that he's started to confuse me. if that makes sense (it doesn't). i've considered -- many times -- whether i should give up or not. i'm not the type to be very outward and obvious with my interest (at least i don't think so) and i don't plan on telling him i like him anytime soon. he's an odd character, and every time i see him i always learn something new, and it's usually something odd. as i said, he's a character. i won't go into it, though -- his weird, random interests -- just the way he is. he's an awkward guy. which isn't necessarily a bad thing, i'm awkward too, but he's different. this makes it hard to express my interest, because he doesn't seem like a "regular" type of guy. i can't just tell him i like him straight-up, that would be entirely too forward and i feel that it would scare him and i'd be embarrass. and i would have to face him for the entirety of the next year -- we are in the same club. and i work there, too. yikes. so i'm not doing that, unless he makes it obvious he is interested in me. i know this sounds so middle school, but i can't help it. it's just my thought process at the moment.

he's also a huge flake (i know this because he always will agree to hanging out with people, and then say never mind, and that he "has too much work") and doesn't seem very reliable. which isn't great, if i want to hang out with him someday. because he'll just cancel on me, probably. and i don't want to beg for his attention, i want him to give that to me on his own free-will. that probably won't happen.

some of my friends don't really understand what i see in him, and i can't lie, i'm starting to agree a little. i mean, he's cute. i think he's kinda cool, but dorky. pretty good music taste when he wants to listen to anything other than metal. he's usually nice to talk to. good fashion taste. but then there's the cons: dorky, flaky, kind of an airhead sometimes, and said something to me once that was kind of disrespectful. but i tell myself he didn't mean it like that... and that, well, he's just a man. that's what they do. they don't always think very hard about the things they say.

his friends are another thing. nothing bad about them in particular, it's just that they sort of intimidate me. not because they're cool or anything, but just because i don't know how i'd fit in or if they'd like me. i wouldn't want to be apart of his group, really. but they intimidate me for whatever reason, despite all being dorks (not that that's a bad thing). he has this one friend, who is a girl, that i've talked to. she's nice, albeit a bit awkward and, well, dorky. we talked about a musician we liked and had in common. she's pretty, and although i don't think the guy i like is interested in her, i still am intimidated by that. i wish i could look like a normal girl and be comfortable with myself. she seems so comfortable in her interests and who she is as a person. i don't. i question my every move, and it still ends up looking awkward, whatever i do. i look uncomfortable in what i wear. how i do my makeup. i just care so much about how i'm perceived. i want to be cool, that's how i wish i could be perceived. but i'm not, and i know that. i'm just known as a quiet girl. and that's what he said to me, the guy i like. the disrespectful thing i mentioned in the paragraph above.

the club i work at was doing interviews to take over people's positions on the executive board we have. i didn't plan to interview, knowing i wouldn't get a position, and honestly not being very interested. but after finding out most people were doing it, i decided to too, just to see. and the guy i like was going for the same position as me. but i got it. i still am not entirely sure why, probably because i'm a freshman and won't be leaving for awhile, which makes me insecure. i hope that's not the only reason why they hired me. but anyway, i told him when we went out to dinner with a few other people. he said congratz, and kept asking me what type of questions they asked me at the interview. grilling me about it. i told him what i could remember, and then i said "i'm not really sure why i got the position." which was stupid, because it let him have leeway into saying something rude. he said, "well, you probably got the position because you're quiet and easy to boss around."

i went off on him a bit, and everyone at the table did, too. he apologized profusely. i said it was okay, but that you just don't say that sort of stuff to people. i'm over it now, but it still makes me think. is that how i'm perceived? some quiet girl who can't speak up for herself? who can be stepped over? who is boring? i mean, that's not necessarily incorrect... but still. i wish i could be known for more than being quiet (or forgotten entirely). i want to be known as the cool girl, and i'm so obsessed with being seen as that. i want to change myself to fit what i consider "cool." but anyway, that definitely stung -- what he said -- the more i thought about it. that's how he sees me, i guess. this was awhile ago, and maybe his perception of me has changed as we've gotten to know each other a bit better, but... well. i don't know. and i hate that. that's the thing, he's so hard to read. i wish i knew what he thought of me, but maybe i don't. i got a peak into his mind -- what he thinks of me -- when he said that. so maybe i don't want to see how else he views and thinks of me. i hope it's changed. i want to be seen as a person with interests, not a quiet girl who can be stepped over. and i think he learned that, in a way, when i called him out. so fuck him for that, honestly. he deserved us yelling at him. and i hate the fact i felt bad about yelling at him afterwards. HE DESERVED IT. he did. he needed to be told off. but i still felt bad, because i can be a people-pleaser. and on top of that, i like him. i want him to like me. but i'm still proud that i said something. i wouldn't have done that five years ago. maybe not even three years ago, if we're being real.

anyway, the semester is about to end. summer break. i won't see or talk to him until the fall. which is okay, and expected. but i'll probably think about him over the summer, and he won't think of me. nobody will. stupid, stupid. but what's new with me. i don't even know if i'll talk with him next year, either. the only reason we really "talk" now is because my show at the club we're at is right after his. other than that, well...

so that makes me a little sad. but maybe things will be different, who knows. i really like him, honestly. he's all i've been thinking about lately and it's kind of fucking me up, i'm not going to lie. it's distracting. i just want him to like me, which is why i read into every little thing he does, hoping that maybe, just maybe, it means something. anything. it sucks that i'm getting so worked up over this crush of mine, he's just some guy. but i can't help it.

i'm going to try to take things less seriously with him. it's not the end of the world if he doesn't like me, there are so many other people out there. but i still like him, despite that, because he's in the club i'm in. he's easy access. he's right there for me. our shows being put next to each other must have meant something, like it was fate or something. that sounds stupid, so let's pretend i don't really believe that.

the more i think about being in a relationship with him -- or anyone, for that matter -- i'm not so sure how to feel. relationships seem great in retrospect. but the more i think about it, really think about it, when "the chase" is over... well, it doesn't seem as fun anymore. i romanticize relationships and people in my head so much that when i actually get the chance to be in one, or when i have a crush, i'm disappointed. and that's exactly it: i'm disappointed. men are disappointing. not always, but usually. sometimes the guy i like will do something good, something that makes me smile when i think about it, and so it'll be utterly disappointing the next time i see him and he says nothing, or says something dumb, or our conversation leads nowhere. but maybe i just expect too much from him. he's just a man, what more did i expect?

to end this, i just want to be loved. i want to feel loved. or, to put it less dramatically, liked romantically. by him, or really anyone i like for that matter. but why do i long so much for a relationship when they don't seem so great the harder i think about it? i don't know the answer.

"as my ugly mouth kept runnin': love me, love me" - boyish, japanese breakfast

[absollnk]

THE CALAMITY OST.

The only thing criminal about the calamity ost is that nobody's ever heard of it unless I've told them about it.

Calamity is a massive content mod for Terraria that makes the game almost twice as big. With both music mods, the soundtrack increases by nearly 50 songs. Calamity content's songs were written by DM Dokuro, and vanilla content's songs were written by Turquoise. I'm gonna be talking about Dokuro.

Dokuro's side of the soundtrack is mostly boss themes, which consist mainly of DnB, symphonic metal, and EDM, with extra genres like chiptune or orchestra also used often. Dokuro adds 35 songs total to the base game. I'm going to highlight my favorites.

Guardian of the Former Seas

The mod's first, easiest boss shouldn't have a theme this intense. I feel it's this way to serve as a warning for the rest of the mod. If you know about it, then you know very well that a warning is necessary. Calamity is not forgiving.

Infestation (uncharacterized)

Infestation doesn't sound like a boss theme. It sounds like some dance track, or maybe a MegaMan stage track. It uses very odd sound samples, which adds to the very odd theming of the boss.

Return to Slime

This song is foreboding. It's ominous. It's dreadful. Fitting, because you're already fighting two *gods.* You're not meant to win this fight. The world is rooting against you. You push forward anyways. Congratulations.

Raw, Unfiltered Calamity

First, I want to say that this could've been the final boss theme and nobody would've asked for more.

y o u ' r e o n l y h a l f w a y t h r o u g h t h e g a m e .

This long song is mostly orchestral, but with enough going on and changing to keep the melody from getting lost on me. There's also a lot of motifs from previous songs hidden in here.

The Leviathan Trilogy

I'm biased toward this song(s) because it has a siren but hear me out.

This boss consists of two bosses: the Siren and the Leviathan. Which are exactly what you think they are.

The first part of the song actually plays before the fight starts. It consists entirely of the Siren singing and some low electronic instruments.

When you start the fight by attacking the Siren, drums and a guitar are thrown in and the Leviathan spawns.

It's clever. I like it.

Interstellar Stomper

This song replaced another song, which was for a boss that got replaced. So fittingly, this song is a remix of that one (cosmic disgust). But this one, rather than being heavily space themed, has some of the mod's best use of harsh guitar and electronic samples, especially because they mesh so nicely with the remaining spacey sounds.

Unholy Insurgency

Killing the gods of slime is one thing. The god of fire is another.

Like Return to Slime, this song makes you feel like you're doing the wrong thing, but it also comes nicely paired with desperation in a nice little heavy DnB package, complete with a tubular bells bow. This mod really likes those bells.

Scourge of the Universe + Universal Collapse

Let me give some light backstory for this one.

Before you fight this boss, you need to kill his three personal assassins.

This boss also happens to be an assassin himself.

In his free time, he travels across dimensions to look for gods to eat. For fun.

Now you're fighting him.

Good luck.

This theme is the mod's most iconic for how perfectly it came out. Almost ten minutes long with both parts put together, it still manages to make each part distinct from the others. Comprised mainly of Chiptune, Orchestra, and The Calamity Bells™.

Stained, Brutal Calamity

Remember when I said that raw, unfiltered could've been the final boss theme? It sort of is, in a way.

Stained, brutal is a gargantuan 12-minute orchestral cover of the original that's so long, in the YouTube video, Dokuro distinguished it into several different segments. One of which has lyrics.

This song isn't my personal favorite, but it's objectively one of the mod's best.

Not to mention this one's guitar solo compared to raw, unfiltered's. Really sets the tone. This boss fight isn't mandatory. You're killing her for power. Hope you're proud :)

Damn you @absol-lnk, I’m now hooked on the Calamity ost. What do you have to say for these crimes against my ears?