#SnS 1st person pov is tough to write and the complete opposite of my usual style

[lambroseforlife]

Hey! I’d like to see what would’ve happened if Lily wanted to be with James Carter in silence is breaking, you know the chapter when he wanted her to marry him

This prompt pretty much goes against my username but hey, people need to be pushed out of their writing comfort zone for improvement, right? So here we go. This is written in first-person POV and set in the same canon universe with a timeline that diverges from Silence Breaking, Chapter 25: “Romance in the Air”.

⚠️WARNING: Hardcore lambrose shippers or those who haven’t Silence Breaking yet and want to avoid spoilers, DON’T read this oneshot!! ⚠️

**DISCLAIMER: The text in  is from the main series and NOT my writing. The beginning contains an excerpt taken from Silence Breaking, Chapter 25 and I used a quote later on from Storm and Silence, Chapter 69: “Seeing Stars”. Both were written by Robert Thier. I do NOT claim credit for them at all and am incorporating it merely for the purpose of transitioning/recap into this canon divergence oneshot**

— — —

‘Miss Lillian Linton, I love you. I love your fiery spirit. I love the way you dance and laugh and live to the full, and always fight for what you believe in. Will you—’

‘—marry me?’ I guessed.

‘Bloody hell, that was supposed to be my proposal!’

I smiled up at him apologetically. ‘Sorry.’

Silence stretched between us. I gazed up into his face, the face of one of my best friends in all the world, and wondered how things had come to this? How had I not seen this in him before that day in Newcastle? How could I have missed it?

‘Well?’ he asked, his voice hardly more than a whisper. ‘Will you?’

I bit my lip, trying to find the right words to say. Blast! How did one reject a proposal from someone they were quite fond of?

My mouth opened to speak. 

And closed.

Damn it! Why was it so hard to tell him no? The romance novels that my sisters read made it look simple. Reject the roguish suitor maliciously pining for the heroine’s affections. There, problem solved.

So why wasn’t it working here?

Captain Carter looked at me expectantly, still waiting for my answer. The heat emanating from his hand burned into mine. That must have been the reason my ears suddenly tinged red.

‘Captain Carter, I…’

I hesitated.

Do it, Lilly! Turn down his proposal now! With a firm, resounding “no”!

But he looked so sincere. His warm brown eyes created a snug, comfortable shelter that enveloped us. One that even the biting cold couldn’t pierce through.

Just tell him how you feel already! What are you waiting for?

Therein lay the problem.

How did I feel about him?

Did I love Captain James Carter? No. I knew that I definitely didn’t. But…

I possibly could with time. In a different universe, in different circumstances and under different rules.

But why couldn’t that be in this one?

‘Miss Linton?’ My eyes focused back on Captain Carter. His voice sounded alarmed. His other hand reached out and gently clasped my chin, lifting it.

‘Are you unwell?’ Yes, definitely alarm. ‘Should we head back instead? We can resume this later if you need more time to give me an answer.’

‘Please, I am all right.’ Did the soft, breathless voice really belong to me? ‘There is much I wish to say, but I am unsure of where to begin.’

‘Are you sure you are not ill?’ Concern shone in his eyes.

‘I am sure. Please, I need a minute to gather my thoughts.’

Did I say “please” twice? Dear me, the cold must have affected my brain.

‘Very well.’ He frowned and released his hands, taking a step back. ‘Take all the time you need.’

A roguish suitor with charm and manners? My, this was more difficult than I expected.

An unbidden thought crossed my mind. Maybe he wasn’t confined to be just the roguish suitor.

Perhaps he was meant to be more.

Are you insane? My inner voice screamed at me. What about a certain cold employer that you have been clandestinely conducting an affair with for the past year?

And there presented itself another teeny, tiny problem. Clandestine as in secretive. Ergo, no one would ever know about Mr Ambrose and I. We were polar opposites from two completely different worlds.

Maybe his path and mine could never completely overlap. Touch, yes. But how long could ice and fire remain intact when in contact?

The answer was simple. Not for very long.

He was a chauvinist. And I a feminist. He represented everything I believed against and I the same for him.

But he still hired you. Protected you. Trusted you. Maybe even lov—

I clamped down on that thought. Working for him hadn’t been easy, regardless. More like painstakingly challenging. Gruelling. It had been quite the experience.

Is that good or bad?

Both.

But back to the matter at hand. What was it again?

Oh, right. Captain Carter’s proposal.

Why couldn’t I say no?

Maybe it was because, deep down, I already knew. He was someone who wholeheartedly accepted me. Openly embraced how I was without question. With him, there were no disguises, no alter egos involved. With him, I could be myself. Rejecting him would be throwing away a golden opportunity for an easy and happy life.

Easy, yes. But happy? You could be happy with someone else. A certain obnoxiously rich miser…

Who kept his wallet and probably his heart stuffed up that his firm derrière of his. That very one?

Aren’t you supposed to be a feminist? Considering marriage over your career? Where is your sense of dignity as an independent, hard-working woman?

Still with me and completely intact, thank you very much!

Marriage over my job? That sounded counter-intuitive in regards to what I valued the most.

My freedom. My independence.

But was I really free and independent while working for Mr Ambrose?

He expected complete submission from all his employees. And I was no exception. He made it clear that for him, money came first. Always. He was driven by profits, sales and all matters centreing on monetary gain. Mammon forbid anything come in between him and his precious purse, let alone taxes or strange urges for romantic affection to a woman.

‘Oh you’ll have money…you still won’t be free, though.’ I recalled his words from a drunken night in his office long ago. ‘Just like in marriage, you’ll still be tied to a man— to me.’

I scowled. Working for him would be no different than being married to him. He would demand obedience from anyone tied to him as long as it involved a contract.

Wait. What?

Marriage? With Mr Ambrose? Why was I thinking about him when another man had proposed to me barely minutes ago? Even with said man still patiently waiting for my response?

Because you’re in love with Rikkard Ambrose.

Stupid inner voice of mine! Couldn’t it shut up for two minutes while I tried to think?

Silence.

Ah, much better. Now back to my previous thought.

Plausibly, if Mr Ambrose were to ever take leave of his senses and fully reciprocate my feelings for him, one of two things would happen.

One: Carry on as if nothing changed. Our dalliances would continue behind closed doors and in the dark. While our outward appearance of boss and secretary resumed during business hours and in public.

Two: Propose marriage to me.

The first option didn’t sound so bad until recently. Our relationship had changed since the other guests arrived at Battlewood. Frighteningly, not for the better. It felt like we were caught in a cat-and-mouse situation. Constantly exchanging roles in a battle for power.

Was it normal to not trust the person you love?

Until coming to Battlewood, I had trusted Mr Ambrose unconditionally. We’d had each others backs in France, in the sand-ridden desert, and in the war-ridden jungles of South America. I trusted him with my life. He trusted me with his. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have survived.

But could I trust him with my heart?

I wasn’t so sure anymore. Ever since Captain Carter’s arrival, he had shown a more…violent side of himself. But not completely in the physical sense. Since Newcastle, something dark and intense festered away inside him. Something more terrifying than thrilling. I could be sitting next to him but he still would be miles away. Unreachable. Impenetrable. Cased inside that stone mask he wore. 

Jealousy and isolation were two weapons he wielded well. Even better than the revolver on his holster. He staked a claim on me, not allowing other men to approach me while he let other women flirt with him freely, even reciprocating at times. The memory of his hypocrisy was enough to drive ice through my veins.

I had tried to reach through to him, to explain. But he wouldn’t listen. He was too stubborn and hard-headed. Thus, I had been forced to resort to more drastic measures. All to ensure the dear captain’s safety. I had attempted to use Mr Ambrose’s strategy: conduct a business transaction of sorts. But he had proven his vast experience. Once again, he was the calculating feline and I the outwitted prey.

Suppose that in the highly unlikely, extremely bizarre occurrence (even in an imaginary situation) that Mr Ambrose chose the second option, proposing matrimony. What then? Our relationship would still unlikely improve. Marriage was a certified way for men to obtain power on par with that of monarchs. Wives were their subjects, duly vulnerable to being tyrannised and subjugated to a husband’s will. In stories that my friends had told me, some were even physically beaten.

If Mr Ambrose was this restrictive already, then how much worse would he be if I were to marry him?

A harrowing chill settled to my very bones.

I knew that Mr Ambrose was never the type to raise his hand to a female. But that didn’t exclude other ways he could control others. A powerful man like him thrived on dominance and authority. For him, marriage would be perceived as a way to exercise that. The standard wedding vows required a wife to pledge submission and obedience to her husband at the altar. Vows that I refused to agree with.

Vows that Mr Ambrose would definitely enforce, seeing it as the terms outlined for a contract.

Isn’t he doing that already? You are one of his employees, contracted to him.

Yes, but I had willingly done so, seeing it as trade for a salary. An earning that would grant me the freedom I craved. Anytime I wished to do so, I could resign from my job. I was only legally bound during the period of employment. Marriage on the other hand…

Marriage was permanent. In sickness and in health. For better or for worse. Until death.

However if he loved me enough to propose…

Then he wouldn’t dare to demand from me. Not if he valued his head intact!

But then again…

Would it really be a surprise if he did? Considering his recent disregard towards everything I had said to him?

Probably not.

Knowing him, he wouldn’t even bother to propose properly. Oh no, that would be an utter waste of time for Mister “knowledge is power is time is money” Ambrose. He would most likely order for my hand in marriage and automatically expect a “yes, sir!”

My nostrils flared. Why was it that only now, after working for the blasted miser for almost a year and a half, that I realised how trapped I was? 

Perhaps, that nasty inner voice of mine whispered vindictively, because another alternative has presented itself.

I had viewed money as a means to earn my freedom. To be financially independent from my aunt and uncle without being restrained by another man. Only in the process to lose both myself and all possibility of obtaining it once I had fallen for a man who was the paragon of control.

And now, it seemed that I had a slim chance of obtaining my freedom again. In the one way that I had deemed as being the most restrictive.

The irony made me smile humourlessly.

I loved Rikkard Ambrose, I really did.

But what was more important, my heart or my soul? 

I couldn’t keep both. One had to be sacrificed.

If I rejected Captain Carter, then inevitably I would choose Mr Ambrose. Eventually, I would lose my soul, my morals and all that I had fought for. With Mr Ambrose, I might be happy for a short while. But I couldn’t be myself. I would be a bird ensnared in a cage for the rest of my life.

If I chose Captain Carter, then I would reject Mr Ambrose. My heart would be broken and with it, the capacity to love someone again wholly. It would be a burden to the good captain, having to pick up the pieces for someone who didn’t reciprocate his love. A kind person like him didn’t deserve to be second place to a memory.

I sighed.

“Well?” The captain’s voice drifted over from the grove of trees. He was leaning against one of them, the back of his bright red military coat facing me. “Have you gathered your thoughts, Miss Linton?”

“Um, yes.” I looked down.

Polished black boots entered my vision and I looked up to see Captain Carter approaching me.

‘There’s someone else, isn’t there?’

I instantly knew what he meant.

‘Yes. And no.’

‘I beg your pardon, Miss Linton?’ His brow furrowed.

‘There…is someone else.’ His face fell. ‘But…’

‘But?’

‘Even though he is what I wanted, I’m…not sure if he is what I need now.’

His eyes narrowed.‘Did he do something bad? Has he hurt you?’ He took my hands into his again.

‘No. No, he hasn’t but…’ I trailed off, shaking my head.

At least not physically.

He squeezed my hands gently and a painful sensation tugged at my heart. On cue, something slipped out of my eye and slid down my cheek. Another. And another.

If I had thought that Captain Carter was alarmed before, then it was nothing compared to his expression now. Releasing my hands, he reached into his trouser pocket and tugged. He silently pulled out a handkerchief and held it out to me.

‘Thank you.’ I accepted it.

Wiping my face, I looked at him again while clutching the damp cloth. ‘I apologise. After you asked your question, I had a revelation of sorts. A painful one.’

He waited for me to continue.

‘I realised someone who I have feelings for, that he and I may not belong together.’

‘Why is that?’ He was solemn.

‘We always argue. And hurt each other. Even from the start, we didn’t exactly get along. I…’ I took a deep breath. ‘Loving him is painful. I don’t know if I can anymore.’

Captain Carter took a step forward. He was standing merely inches away, those sincere, brown eyes of his boring downwards into my own.

‘You deserve better.’

I met his gaze head-on, refusing to look away.

‘Can you offer me better?’ My voice trembled.

‘I don’t know,’ he whispered. ‘But all I know that is that I would spend my entire life trying, Lilly. If you would permit me.’

‘I don’t love you like you love me.’

‘I have enough love to carry the both of us.’

‘I’m a feminist.’

‘One of my favourite things about you.’

‘I don’t want to be an appendage to a man.’

‘And you won’t. Not to me. We will be equal partnerssupporting each other.’

‘I refuse to agree to theobedience and submission part of the wedding vows.’

‘Then I’ll have the priestexclude them.’

I gaped at him in shock. ‘Really? You would do that for me?’

‘I would.’ His lips curvedinto one of his old smiles that I knew and enjoyed so much. ‘Just for you.’

‘I love travelling.’ A hint of amusement tinged my voice. ‘Would you bring me along on your military expeditions?’

‘Yes. Except for the most dangerous ones.’

I stared as he dropped to one knee. With one hand, he withdrew a ring from his pocket and took hold of my left hand using the other. 

‘Miss Lillian Linton…will you do me the immense honour of becoming my wife?’

I swallowed, hard, and softly uttered the dreaded word that would change everything forever.

‘Yes.’

He slipped the simple gold band onto my ring finger. It was a bit tight but still managed to fit.

He brought my hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss on the back. With an expression that could only be described as smitten, unwavering adoration, he looked up at me.  

I tried to smile. I honestly did. But my lips only twitched upwards.

Captain Carter stood up and pulled me into a warm embrace. My arms wrapped around him numbly. My heart hammered nervously in my ears. He must have asked me something and expected a response for in the next moment, he pulled away with a questioning look.

He opened his mouth to speak and—

‘Am I interrupting something?’

A horribly familiar voice cut through the air. Sharp and curt. Dread crawled up my spine.

A tall, menacing figure appeared into view from behind the trees. I looked at the ground. The tree branches. Anywhere but him.

Captain Carter spoke up. ‘As a matter of fact, yes.’

‘Indeed?’ I had never heard that word spoken with so much hostility. Not until now.

‘I was speaking with my future wife here. Is there something you need?’

‘Yes. I need Miss Linton’s help to locate her brother for a business discussion.’

‘I can help you find him.’ I looked up at Captain Carter only, refusing to make eye contact with him. I could feel his wintry gaze boring into me. It sent chills throughout my body. ‘May I take my leave for now?’

‘Of, course. I’ll head back to the manor and inform everyone of the good news.’

Oh, right. The good news of my recent engagement.

Blast!

He brought my hand— the one with the sparkly gold band on it— to his lips and pressed another kiss to it.

If the air had been frozen before, then it was positively frigid now. Knots of  terrible foreboding built in my stomach. However, the captain didn’t detect anything and with an ‘Until later, my love,’ departed into the distance.

‘My love?’ I risked a glance up at him to see a pair of hands pounce towards me. The next moment I was picked up by my shoulders. My back slammed with impact against one of the trees. His hands released me, only to curl into fists that rested on each side of my head, preventing any escape.

Shivering, I gazed up into his dark, sea-coloured eyes. Eyes that reflected rage. Confusion.

Betrayal.

‘What was that?’ His voice carried the force of a thousand hydras, hellbent on destruction.

‘I-I’m guessing you heard?’ Crap! Why was my voice so squeaky?

He leaned in, pinning me in place with his deadly stare. ‘Every. Single. Word.’

I gulped. ‘Then I don’t need to say anything.’

‘I couldn’t disagree more. You owe me an explanation, Mr Linton.’

‘I don’t owe you anything. Except a resignation letter.’ I struggled to keep my voice steady. My breath came out in pants.

A storm roiled in those terrifyingly beautiful eyes of his.

‘You are mine. You aren’t going anywhere without my permission.’

He lunged forward and instinctively, I knew what he was going to do. Panic surged through me. 

On reflex, my hand moved of its own accord.

Before his lips could make contact with mine, I slapped his cheek. The sound echoed throughout the trees.

He stumbled back in surprise. His hard hand reached up to graze the area where an angry red handprint was now forming.

Silence reigned.

After a long time, he finally spoke.

‘Just tell me why. Why you chose him.’ 

Was his voice hoarse?

‘Because of you,’ I whispered. Moisture clouded my vision. ‘I wanted my freedom.’

‘Me?’ His jaw tightened. ‘Explain to me, Mr Linton, how running from one man into the arms of another grants you the freedom that you speak of. I fail to see the effectiveness.’

‘You were restricting me. Treating me like one of your possessions. To you, I’m a rare creature meant to be put into a cage. But that’s not who I am.’

‘And where does the captain factor into all this?’

‘He…understands me. Maybe not completely. But what you want to control of me, he accepts. Openly.’

Silence. His pinkie twitched in a steady rhythm.

I continued. ‘The matter came to choosing between me and you. Like you, I decided to be selfish for once. So I chose me. Since you wouldn’t.’

He still said nothing.

‘It’s too late, Mr Ambrose. I’ve made my choice.’

‘This,’ he said, his voice promising retribution from the deepest Arctic tundras in the coldest of winters, ‘this is not over, Mr Linton.’

He whirled around and marched away, his hands clenched into fists. In the process, ripping my heart out and stealing it with him as I knew he would.

I slumped against the tree.

But it was over.

He just didn’t realise it yet.

— — —

Well, I hope you were able to make it until the end to read it. I did my best to channel book 1 Lilly since she was more introspective and firmly set on her core beliefs. I hope she isn’t too out of character here but then again, her choosing Carter is an action out of character itself in regards to the entire series. And one not without drastic effects. 

Wondering why this had such an angsty ending and not a happy one? Well, keep in mind of how possessive and emotionally unstable Mr Ambrose’s character was presented as in Silence Breaking. I wanted to stay consistent to that for this prompt. 

We already read how he tried to have Carter added to the waste disposal list and had Karim “guard” Lilly before Carter even proposed to her all out of his own fear. We even saw what he did to Captain Carter despite Lilly rejecting his proposal in Chapter 27. So riddle me this, what do you think Mr Ambrose would have ultimately done if Lilly had said yes instead? I will leave that to the worst of your imaginations.

Hardcore lambrose shippers, please don’t hate me for this. I just tried to answer this prompt to the best of my abilities. Writing this was quite challenging for me, both mentally and emotionally, so I imagine it must be the same, if not worse for some of you readers as well. Or hey, maybe you’re completely anti-lambrose and did a happy dance while reading this. Either way, I hope that this caught your attention at the very least.