#Shirtless pictures of Bill are very rare for some reason

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #611

Top Ten Billion Dollar Movies

I remember the first time a film crossed a billion dollars at the international box office (Titanic in 1997; it’s not on this list). It was a big deal; in fact, it was a huge deal. Sure, there were films that had come very close, earning over $900m; the likes of Jurassic Park and The Lion King. But crossing that particular financial Rubicon was a watershed moment in cinema (no pun intended when discussing Titanic). Okay, sure, money isn’t everything; but this was a lot of money.

Since then, we’ve slowly become accustomed to films making crazy stupid amounts of money. It’s still pretty rare if a film hits the big Two Bil – Avatars, Avengers, oh my – and each of them feels in some way like a seismic pop-cultural event. Although I still remain slightly baffled at quite how big a deal Avatar is; more on which later. But when what feel like undersung Disney films such as Zootopia, or crap films like most of the Transformers sequels, are raking in over a billion, it has almost become commonplace.

Until it wasn’t. Because, post-Covid, there has definitely been a big box office wobble. There are many potential reasons for this: maybe people got out of the habit of going to the pictures during lockdown? The rise of streaming services, especially studio-owned ones such as Disney+ and Paramount+, have coached people into expecting films to appear on their TVs “for free” a couple of months down the line. Nowadays, you can’t simply expect your huge $250m blockbuster to earn nine figures. In fact, I’d argue that for most mainstream movies, $500m is a good figure right now. The Marvels, sadly, might struggle to reach that, despite it being thoroughly enjoyable.

So as we stand in the Year of Our Lord 2023, a film that crosses the billion-dollar-boundary is something to take note of once again. Whilst it should go without saying that financial success is no guarantee of quality, it obviously means that the film struck a chord with audiences. This year – and I really, really can’t imagine any of the films scheduled this side of January joining the club – there are only two Big Bill films, Barbie and Super Mario Bros (although Oppenheimer is only just behind, to be honest). One of those two films is tremendous. The other is, frankly, a bit shit. But which is which? Go on, take a guess. Even so, the fact that they connected with audiences to such a degree is something to be applauded; clearly there’s something to them – even if it’s something in the moment, in the zeitgeist – that films such as Elemental, Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning, Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, and – yes – The Marvels all, I guess, lacked.

Oh, one more thing. I’ve based this off the website boxofficemojo.com. That’s where I’ve got the financial figures for these flicks. So if they’re wrong don’t blame me. It’s global gross in US dollars, and it’s not adjusted for inflation – something I actually comment on in about two paragraphs’ time. This is a ranking of my favourite films, not by their gross, so the relatively “low earning” Jurassic Park tops the list (spoiler alert!) despite not earning nearly as much as some other films. “Much” and “low” being relative when you’re talking about squillions of dollars.

Anyway, that’s enough pointless preamble. Let’s get to the cinema and start counting coins. I hope you all got a cut of the gross!

Jurassic Park (1993), $1.11b: this one’s a cheat but I don’t care; on its original release it made only (“only”) $914m (this is in 1993 money, remember; if the website I used to calculate it is correct, that’d be $1.9b today). Anyway, subsequent re-releases nudged it over a bil, even if Titanic beat it to the billionaire punch. Anyway, that doesn’t matter; it’s Jurassic Park. It’s scary, it’s cool, it’s a sci-fi horror story monster movie adventure blockbuster romcom. It’s got a shirtless Jeff Goldblum, a T-Rex, and a big pile of shit. It’s a masterpiece. Clever girl.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), $1.16b: the whole LOTR trilogy is one enormous three-year, nine-plus-hour masterpiece. Arguably the best exercise in adaptation, it managed to bottle the lightning of a tumultuous production and a book that was “unfilmable”, with a director so theoretically unsuited for the material that only he could make the movie. The final film manages – somehow – to stick the landing in incredible fashion (multiple times!). Epic battles, tragic ends, a heroic finale. It bows to no one.

Toy Story 3 (2010), $1.07b: it can be a controversial opinion, stating which is your favourite Toy Story (anyone who says 4 can get in the bin though). I love this one, with its nuanced take on aging and obsolescence, as the toys (parents) say goodbye to the child who’s loved them. It’s a bittersweet end to a franchise that should have ended here, and it’s Paddington levels of perfect.

Avengers: Infinity War (2018), $2.05b, and Avengers: Endgame (2019), $2.8b: I’ve bunched these together partly for effect and partly because I didn’t want to bloat this list with four or five different MCU movies. I don’t even think these absolute epics are my favourite from the saga (it’s either Iron Man 3 or any one of the Captain Americas), but they represent something epochal, the culmination of a never-before-attempted multi-film saga, bringing so many different characters into play and landing it in as perfect a fashion as you could wish for. The Lord of the Rings of comic book movies, the greatest superhero saga told on screen, and did I mention there’s a bit where Steve lifts the hammer?

Frozen II (2019), $1.45b: quite a few Disney films have made a lot of money, but the runaway success of the first Frozen in 2013 took people by surprise; not many expected this girly musical about two sisters singing in the snow to blow Pixar’s box office out the water. I prefer – just – the sequel, as I think its themes are more nuanced but also more layered into the film, just like the central musical motif. It also manages to duck out of questions about Elsa’s sexuality whilst still allowing itself to be interpreted as a further queer coming out story, which is a pretty delicate needle to thread. Also: Lost in the Woods.

The Dark Knight (2008), $1b: I go back and forth over which is my favourite; the precision-tooled Dark Knight or the broader, looser, messier, but more Batman-y Rises. As a piece of crime fiction, this is great, Nolan channelling Heat to amazing effect and also showcasing one of the greatest bits of acting in superhero cinema. The Joker’s first proper scene, in the kitchen with all the mob bosses, is a thing of beauty.

Barbie (2023), $1.44b: here we go with the most recent film on the list, a surprising adaptation of a toy that manages to be not only really interesting and funny and moving, but also unique and visually sumptuous and, well, a treatise on misogyny and the damaging nature of the patriarchy. Far better than it had any right to be; much more than Kenough.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017), $1.33b: there aren’t really that many Star Wars films in the Big Bil Club, as most of them I guess are just too old. Last Jedi wasn’t quite the box office juggernaut its predecessor was, but it’s still an exciting, compelling, and well-executed film, probably the best directed in Star Wars history, and willing to do interesting things with the characters and lore. We are what they grow beyond, indeed.

Avatar (2009). $2.92b: the big blue daddy of the billionaire’s boys’ club, the most successful film ever made. I do find it odd just how successful it is, as it doesn’t feel to have impacted the zeitgeist the way it has James Cameron’s pockets. All the same, it really is great, a barnstorming action movie with groundbreaking effects, showcasing just how good Jim is at this sort of stuff. The sequel’s great too. It’s got a talking whale in it.

Skyfall (2012), $1.14b: I do like a good James Bond film, even though I’m far from an afficionado. This one’s probably my favourite, despite (because?) of how it deconstructs the character. It’s also funnier than most Craig Bonds and has a hell of a song. But the quirky plot, streak of cold brutality, and fantastic Home Alone-esque finale really earns it a place here.

[tswwwit]

Love the idea of little reincarnation Dipper calling Bill an asshole before he's even learned what it means, but consider preteen re:Dipper developing a pretty strong and pretty embarrassing celebrity crush on Bill. All the other kids like Sailor Twist or Rustin Heiber, but Dipper just can't get that weird historical documentary with the one demon out of his head, even though his parents tell him he's trouble (maybe because?? 👀) I imagine he went through a moderately long teen-boy obsession before (somewhat) getting over the craze, and interacting with actual people, because the alternative to that scenerios is secluding himself before dying alone.

(And not to be annoying, but with infinite lives, re: Dipper's gotta keep discovering his sexuality over and over again. Bill's probably been a strong factor in his awakening several times.)

This is all excellent, but have you considered: A Dipper who's fascinated with Bill Cipher but swears it isn't a crush.

Gay thoughts? Okay, yeah Dipper sometimes has gay thoughts - but not about Bill Cipher, who's a demon and awful and has Weird Creep Energy. He's very bad and Dipper's not obsessed and shut up.

Dipper manages to delude himself in this way until he meets Bill in person for the first time, in all his weird and confident glory.

After which he realizes, 'oh no, those were definitely gay thoughts'