#Shen is probably my favourite of the kfp villains

[assortedvillainvault]

Me, sending Thalassa another ask after a long tumblr absence? It's more likely than you think ;)

My request this time is more Shen x Reader...but through the Henchwolves' POV

Gimme that minion gossip 😆

It's benn a Goddamn Minute since I wrote anything for the murderbird, please accept this humble offering my friend! This is set loosely within Shen's hostile takeover of his family's palace, just pretend it's taking a few months longer for Po and the Furious Five to arrive.

Lord Shen x Reader (Henchwolves POV)

Sooo...the boss’s in looovvveee…

Ok well it’s more like Shen is speed-cycling through every emotion under the sun, like some kind of cursed knife throwing merry-go-round.

From an outside perspective that part is no different to how he normally is, really, potato tomato.

But ever since YOU entered the picture, he’s been swinging between regality and rage like it’s going out of fashion.

This would normally be time for the wolves to about-face and shamelessly hide behind the hired muscle of the rhino and gorilla guards, but between your bemused reactions and the Soothsayers amused snorts they have front row seats to China’s cheesiest love story and they’re not missing ANY of the drama.

Don’t forget, the wolves have followed Shen for nearly two decades by now – they know him. His ins and outs, his twitches and grandiose gestures. The way his right eyelid twitches when he can’t feel the knives in his sleeves.

They’re not familiar with the way his elegant steps stumble when you surprise him. Or how he loses his train of thought and sputters when you question his judgement. Or how he seems to fight the noble training of several years to fidget with his robes before posing just so to meet with you.

Guards from both the throne room and the gardens noticed his tail sweeping and twitching when talking to you, and in their experience, Shen’s tail is a dead giveaway for his flintstrike temper and at the time they were 99% certain he was about to stick a knife in your back and call it a day…

...until he presented you with a custom ordered gift and his overwrought nerves had his tail nearly leap into it’s classic fan as he awkwardly swallowed a squawk into a cough, trying to pretend this was a spur of the moment thing rather something he'd agonized over in private for five days.

At guard change they all but barged into the guardroom mess, hollering and sniggering.

“Shen’s PRESENTING!”

Chaos ensues. Bets are taken, at least one table is broken. One poor bastard ends up tossed from a fifth story window. He's probably fine.

It’s all boss wolf can do not to roll his eyes.

In contrast to the rest of the henchman – he operates much closer to Shen in a day to day capacity. So HE’s the poor bugger having to endure Shen’s erratic mumbling as the neurotic bird pores over battle plans, supply chains, letters and negotiations from nobility and powerful individuals to bribe. All that, he can deal with.

...What he can’t deal with is the way Shen’s eyes will glaze over mid mumble and suddenly he’s got an earful of spoiled royal lamenting how 50 reams of china’s finest silks isn’t even close enough to a satisfactory nest and How is he supposed to curry your favour if you only have 25 colours to choose from???

Fucking. BIRDS and their obsession with shiny shit.

Meanwhile, the Soothsayer is very much enjoying watching Shen work himself into a knot over whether or not he should ask her for a love life prediction.

It’s just a waiting game before he cracks. And she’s more than happy to trip him up and poke fun in the meantime, catching your eye from the background and winking as she eats his sashes and pulls fake prophesies out of her ass.

(She approves of you, don’t worry, and she lowkey is happy for Shen to have found someone as wonderful as you, but also: you deserve better and her lingering fondness for Shen as his former nanny doesn’t blind her to that.)

Hope you enjoyed these headcannons friend!

[term546]

My thoughts on Kung Fu Panda 4

WARNING! This will contain spoilers for Kung Fu Panda 4! Go watch it before reading this!

... I feel nothing.

For those who are unaware, Kung Fu Panda is one of my favourite film franchises of all time. Everything about it, from the storytelling to the action to the humour to the characters, all of it comes together to create some truly incredible movies. So when Dreamworks announced that they were making a fourth one, I was both excited and terrified.

On one hand, it was a new installment in one of my favourite series! Of course I was gonna be excited for it! But on the other hand, I also knew how easy it would be for them to fuck this movie up and ruin the KFP legacy. But in spite of that, I held out hope that they would be able to deliver on something great.

Then I went to see it, and... yup. Sure was a movie.

Kung Fu Panda 4 just feels so... stale. There's nothing innovative that makes it stick out from its competition. I don't really know how to describe it, but the first three movies all awaken some childlike joy in me. They give me this rush of serotonin that no other movie can provide. This movie has none of that.

It's not entirely devoid of good elements. Tai Lung has retained all of his sauce from the first movie, and he's the only part of the movie I really liked. The Chameleon turning into a giant chimera creature near the climax was cool, even if it was shortlived. The action is still good as always. There is definitely stuff I like here.

The problem is that it stops at me just liking it. There's nothing here that I love. And I do have a number of problems as well.

The Chameleon is cool in concept, but she's very bland and boring in execution. Her entire motivation for being evil is completely negated by the existence of Mantis. As previously mentioned, her turning into a chimera was cool, but then they immediately ditch it for a Sonic Adventure 2 mirror match with Po which I thought was just kind of okay.

I do not like Akkwafina as an actor, so I had a predetermined bias against Zhen. I didn't hate her, but she was nothing special. The fact that Po picked her to be the next Dragon Warrior over Tigress, or ANY of the Furious Five for that matter, is ridiculous.

Speaking of that, Po becoming the spiritual leader or whatever just felt like a weaker rehash of him becoming a teacher in 3. It was just very uninteresting and unnecessary because there wasn't supposed to be a "successor" to the Dragon Warrior.

The villains are super underutilised. Tai Lung is still pretty cool, but he only gets to be cool for like 30 seconds before getting punched once and thrown in a cage. They couldn't afford to get Gary Oldman and J.K Simmons back, so Shen and Kai don't get any lines. Shen being here makes no sense, because his whole gimmick was that his kung fu skills weren't the reason he was so threatening, and Kai being here makes even less sense since his spirit was destroyed in 3. Also at the end, after Po restores all the spirit warriors' kung fu, they all bow to him. INCLUDING LORD FUCKING SHEN. No way in hell would Shen do that in any circumstance. Or Tai Lung. I get that he's kind of mellowed out, but the Tai Lung I know would not bow to Po.

ON THAT SUBJECT, they did a much worse version of Shen's "you're right, and I choose this" moment in 2 with the Chameleon. Po tries to convince her to not be evil anymore, and she just punches him. I feel nothing here. It feels completely artificial.

You know what the worst part of all this is? I kind of WANTED to hate this movie. I wanted to be able to call it a stain on the face of one of my favourite film franchises ever, because the story of its production is really depressing. Seek it out if you're able to. But no. They couldn't even manage that. I do not like this movie, nor do I hate it. It is a perfectly serviceable movie that I will probably never watch again.

Kung Fu Panda is a trilogy. And an amazing trilogy at that. This movie is going in the same boat as the TV shows. Not. Canon.