#She couldn't go through that again
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I haven't fully sorted out my feelings on Nat's fate yet, and I've already seen some really good points about why some people felt it was a bad story move, but there is something I really enjoyed about it and I want to talk about why, so here goes;
I think the moment before her death was the first moment Natalie Scatorccio has truly felt like herself since Misty pulled her back from Javi. That moment broke her in a way she has never been able to mend, because in her heart and at her core she is the girl who does what's right, damn the consequences, but in that moment she was the girl who saved her own skin instead. She's never been able to forgive herself, and from then on she thought of herself as scum. Nothing would ever fix it because she was always going to be the girl who let an innocent boy drown.
As an adult Nat was finally, finally starting to heal, and while it happened at Lottie's compound, it started with Lisa. Nat hurt Lisa (justified as it was, I do think Nat carried guilt about it) and then when given the chance to hurt her back, Lisa forgave her instead. Lisa talked with her, let Nat see her in a vulnerable state. They were friends, and I think Nat felt protective over Lisa in a big sister sort of way, the same way she felt about Javi.
So in that moment, when Natalie realized what Misty was going to do, she was faced with the same dilemma - save herself and condemn someone she cares about, or die in their stead. The first time her self preservation instincts won, and while I personally don't think that makes her a terrible, irredeemable person, she absolutely did. That wasn't who she was, that wasn't the person she wanted to be. If the second instance had come up earlier in the modern timeline, I think self preservation would have won a second time, because she already believed she was a selfish person who couldn't ever change, and though she was suicidal she had to keep her pact with Travis. Instead, the second instance happened after Natalie had begun to believe she was someone who deserved to survive, she was redeemable, that she could be the good and kind person she always wanted to be. In that split second, gun pointed at her heart and Misty moving in for the kill, she became the girl she had been, the girl clinging to Javi's hand and pulling him to safety. She made the choice that she felt was right, at her own expense, and she could finally be at peace with herself as a result. She was finally the protector she'd been, that she'd always wanted to be.
I hate that this means we're losing Juliette Lewis, and I think there's valid criticism to be made here, but I do really love how this brought Nat full circle.
#yellowjackets#yellowjackets spoilers#yellowjackets season 2 finale#I mean we see her protecting others again and again on screen#Her mom and Kevyn and Allie and Coach Ben and Travis and ALL the other Yellowjackets#Her belief that she failed Javi was what drove her into the adult she became#And she knew she couldn't fail Lisa#She couldn't go through that again#So she chose what she could live with#And that meant she chose her death
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MiqoMarch Day 6 - Secret
The jealousy that began to bubble up, though likely pointless to hide from her of all people, Arsay desperately tried to keep a secret from her dear friend Krile.
#ffxiv#ffxiv gpose#arsay nun#dawntrail spoilers#endwalker spoilers#krile baldesion#miqomarch#miqomarch2025#PLEASE TRUST that Arsay was doing her fucking best to not make anything in the last zone about herself#(except maybe when she was geeking out over the south sea lore)#even though she was getting pelted with her own parental abandonment trauma at an ungodly rate#its insane how much arsay was shaking hands with all the main msq characters in this expansion.#the tldr here is Arsay sees her parents in the aitiascope but she couldn't face them at the time and felt like she had to turn away#and instead of reaching/calling out to her anyways they just left. i dont have the tag allowance to explain the nuance in this choice thoug#I have a big thing i'd like to pose that goes more in depth with how arsay feels about this moment thats post 7.1#but this is the first time she /really/ thinks about this moment again and proceeds to do what she does best#She's framed with a big ol mask behind her and that is symbolic thank you#also cant remember if arsays echo cancels out kriles but even if krile has vibe checked arsay in this moment shes not going to bring it up#mostly because Krile has literally no clue about Arsay's parents and the thing in the aitiascope#thats the other secret that's embedded in this situation tbh since really only Graha and Yshtola know about it#i feel bad ruining this nice moment in canon but arsay also doesnt need krile to thank her for welcoming her on an adventure#because arsays would have welcomed krile on an adventure regardless of combat abilities#and like they also went through eureka together of course she trusts krile with her life already
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i fear the general public may not deserve her...but you get to see girl cider as a treat because i like her & i can't stop drawing her.
#OK. BIG LONG RAMBLE IN THE TAGS TIME.#“cider there's no canon implication of this in the slightest!!” i know. i know.#but i am literally just having FUN & i drew her once & it just#made me feel so much better... like i've been totally Going Through It but#drawing girl cider helped. so i did it more & i will probably do more in the future#but you know what i realized about headcanons that is so beautiful???#regular cis male cidertalk doesn't go anywhere when i draw him as a girl! it changes nothing about that.#just because i draw girl cider doesn't mean boy cider is GONE & DEAD FOREVER & i can NEVER DRAW HIM AGAIN#he's still right there :^) & i think that's important for me to remember when i do crazy out-of-left-field headcanons like this#it changes nothing & i can always play with contradictory ideas & i don't have to stick to anything!! & it's so fun!!!#if you have a problem with girl cider or she makes you uncomfortable i will send evil energy in your direction. watch out.#she's so cute isn't she? :^) that colored one with dandy is what really got me hocked on girl cider#ok normal tags now bye bye#chipspeech#cidertalk'84#dandy 704#cidandy#cider draws#bert gotrax#dee klatt#(briefly)#otto mozer#oh i also couldn't stop laughing at the “woman in stem” one
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ARE THEY A WOMAN WHO LOVES WOMEN?


*TL;DR she is technically not a canon lesbian, so no, this poll does not break my rules. i am, however, going to treat her as canon sapphic due to the rule of BFFR. as a result, i have taken out the usual "they're not attracted to women" options. see tags if you want more detail
#poll#homura akemi#puella magi madoka magica#madoka magica#pmmm#wlw poll#sapphic poll#OKAY. SO.#i got an ask requesting every pmmm girl#which to be honest i was kind of dreading literally because of her. but i WILL see every request through if i can help it.#i agonized over this very very badly#did a bunch of reading and searching#the most i could scrape up is that her relationship and feelings towards madoka are STILL frustratingly ambiguous in terms of canonicity#despite being Extremely Freaking Blatant#anyway what i mean by 'rule of BFFR' is i am going to honor word of god as best i can. but i refuse to be obtuse.#i can accept that TECHNICALLY there's nothing saying she couldn't be wlw in a way that's not lesbian#i can accept seeing her as 'madokasexual' rather than specifically lesbian#or thinking of her as bi bc she hasn't interacted enough with men to rule it out or bc she would love madoka even if madoka wasn't a girl#but i am not going to concede to the possibility that she is just not wlw#that's too stupid even for me#sure you can argue she's not canon sapphic with a particularly stretchy train of logic! you can use logic to any end! but: BFFR!#hence. this poll may proceed.#sorry again if this makes like no sense i can never tell if im making sense or not
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I think one reason why I'm so attached to Damian is because (at least in some comics) he gets to be the child I would have loved to be if I had been allowed to. As in: No Damian's life is terrible most of the time, his parents are not doing a good job in most comics and being Robin is dangerous, but I just wish I could have been openly weird and say whatever I wanted to with a deadpan face. Or simply be allowed to show anger.
Being an autistic person is hard and being an autistic girl/woman is maybe even harder because being female alone already sucks most of the time and having to pretend to be a normal woman while most people around you are confusing or downright rude to you and don't respect your feelings or boundaries just makes it suck even more.
I had so many moments in life where I wanted to tell someone what I really thought or felt (which probably would not have been nice) and I couldn't because what I was taught was to smile, act like everything is okay and not get angry.
#okay no of course I had many moments where I was not nice#but then again I also once played werewolf with my class and one reasoning from one person for why I couldn't be a werewolf was#she would never do this#Yeah I would#I did#it's like the rules of the game that if you get a certain card you kill the other players#or back with my dnd group the DM laughed in suprise for a whole damn minute when I played a blunt and arrogant character#because he thought I was usually so kind#but that character was probably the closest to my real self?#like you think what I made my character said was mean#I can be waaaaay worse#if I could actually say what is going through my brain#I miss playing Bella she got to be an arrogant prick
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I MISSED THIS ENTIRELY MY FIRST TIME AROUND....THIS IS SO DAMN PRECIOUS?!!
#bg3 spoilers#thoughts about media#this is so sweet. corydalis would cherish this present to the end of his days.#so nice of mirkon to say we killed the harpies in one blow!#we did not.#I couldn't long rest and reset corydalis' empty spell slots because the scene was glitching and the kid would spawn dead.#so i had to forgo the long rest and just fight them.#and then astarion and karlach kept getting lured by the harpy song!#lae'zel was the only one getting anything done!#and she sure as fuck didn't even want to be there!! i brought her to try and boost her approval...#but it's like. stuck at 6 or something equally abysmal because I keep pissing her off by being too nice.#I didn't realise there was an interaction between her and a tiefling in the grove in my first playthrough...she hated me more after that.#GIRL I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE ZORRU BOW FOR YOU!#like corydalis is a tiefling himself! be real lae'zel!#being nice to zorru got us the information we needed anyways...#astarion for whatever reason didn't complain even though i'm pretty sure being too nice in this interaction is supposed to annoy him.#i'm literally LOOKING for interactions to gain his disapproval!!!!!#BECAUSE HIS APPROVAL WON'T GO DOWN!!!!!!!!!#please my dearest I would like to NOT trigger your first romance scene too soon.#honestly if i could romance him without suffering through that again I would be thrilled. but it is not possible.#REALISTICALLY corydalis wouldn't even fall for his lying. he's ten times better a liar than astarion could ever hope to be.#and he's also extremely kind and caring! there's noooo WAY he'd let astarion's evasiveness slide unmentioned.#BUT ALAS. the game only permits you to avoid this TORMENTUOUS experience if you are playing karlach.#goblin camp is next though. I'm SURE I can earn disapproval there with him.#he may be allergic to disagreeing with my tiefling but this is still act 1 astarion! he is a bitter HATER with no healthy outlet.#I just have to like. oh I don't know. offer to help some random npc and ask for nothing in return.
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Idk how this works, but 4,18,28 please
Hello, thank you. It's perfect like this! From this ask game
4. What did they do before they became a crusader? Did they have a job, an occupation?
Answered here!
18. If they survived, what is their life post crusade?
Nela survives the Crusades, staying in Drezen as its governor. To put it in few words: she has nowhere else to go anyway, and despite the many struggles and the growing mental health issues she also feels fulfilled by the job and has a talent for it. She has grown attached to the place and its people, it's where she belongs now that her home is gone.
That's... not as positive a choice as it may sound.
The first few months after the Crusades are won, Nela remains busy. However, as soon as Drezen and Mendev start to settle in, the companions go on their respective ways and the workload goes down... she crashes and goes on a downward spiral.
All the mental issues and trauma she had shouldered by playing the part of the perfect Commander start to appear, and she declines fast. Any attempt to help is pointless. She doesn't want to talk about the actual sources of her issues, so there is no way for anyone to intervene. It gets bad, really bad. She starts to self-harm a few months in.
It's only thanks to Sosiel's intervention that the situation gets solved before it can reach a critical point. Sosiel and Nela share a homeland, both coming from Carpenden, Andoran. He knows her relatives, enough to have mostly figured out by himself what's truly going on and approaching her brother, now an elder man in his 90s, with the full story. A way to return the favor, so to speak.
Samel, Nela's brother, ends up rushing to Drezen to meet up with Nela. Having a part of her family, her old world, back is a massive relief, but it's as much of a relief to have someone she can afford to be fully honest with. She doesn't have to fear hurting him with her feelings and thoughts, or to show weakness to the wrong person as someone in a position of authority. It doesn't magically make it all better, but it gets her started.
She ends up retiring from Drezen for about half a year to get some rest and work out her issues, moving to one of Daeran's properties closer to Nerosyan. Anevia and Irabeth contact her from time to time for bigger decisions, but she is mostly left to rest and recover.
It takes her years before she works out through it all. It's never fully gone, but she is finally comfortable in her own skin and at peace with how her life turned out. She remains just a governor, stubbornly refusing getting any more political power and making an effort to discourage anything that may push her beyond the edge onto divinity.
She also remains in contact with the Hand of the Inheritor and her fellow angels companions. From time to time, she goes on escapades to help them out in other planes. The rest of her time and effort is spent in helping out with purifying the Worldwound and providing aid to the efforts of the Sarkorians, druids and other followers of the Green Faith.
Daeran and her only marry once the worst of her own issues have passed, about 2 years after the Crusades have ended.
28. Would they be a companion instead of the KC? What would their storyline and personal quest be?
Answered here!
#oc: nela damasio#It's a lot so i hope i managed to explain myself#I'm certain i've gone into more detail about some bits here and there but i've never attempted to go through the whole sequence before#This was fun but challenging kadhjkas#To say Nela is grateful to Sosiel is an understatement#She was convinced everyone was either dead or too senile#and she didn't have the heart to face that truth with her own eyes#Admittedly she couldn't imagine how much the experience of losing his sister and the turmoil that went on in Andoran had changed her brothe#He is much healthier than an average 95 years old grandpa#She also gains a grandnephew (the one family member Sosiel knew and got the information from)#the only “new” family member she connects to#Everyone else wants to keep their distance and the feeling is mutual#thank you so much again this was fun <333
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Been thinking abt them <3
#keese draws#oc#oc art#lobotomy corporation#lobotomy corporation oc#lob corp#lob corp oc#Im still figuring out her stuff but Ive veen wanting to draw her for a while so Im glad I finally can#not that I strictly couldn't before I just didnt have like. any clue what they're like as a person. so I avoided drawing them#anyways Im not sure if I wanna hard commit to every aspect of this design but I do like it I think#decided to give a nod to sanguine desire even tho Ive never let it be showing on her in game#also why do I have so many ppl with the stupid goggles I hate drawing them no matter how I stylized them </3#Im pretty sure maximim also used to have the headphones but I never bothered getting them back after losing them my first day 1 reset#aka before I got the mod that lets you keep your nuggets through day one resets#the other two gifts came after so thats what she has now#I did go out of my way to get a lot of my og guys ego gifts back (I did cheat juliet's mask tho since I wasnt doing all that again)#but since maxim also had the headphones and they were a far more integral part of her design I decided maximin didnt need them too#the two already have stupid similar names and are both in safety and are both in nothing there gear they dont need more overlap#they then proceeded to both get sanguine desire gift back to back but I hid both so its fine#but since maxim doesn't have any nods to it in her design I decided to throw maximin a bone#anyways my current main battier with maximin is trying to build a special web for her beyond like. just marker.#shes in an unfortunate place where most of the people surrounding her already have established social webs that she doesnt fit into well#and I want to give her more friends since shes a fairly social person but idk if anyone in her general vicinity would be receptive to that#especially given that they're a fairly senior employee#so idk! Ill figure something. or I wont and Ill just deal with them having the one sort of friend in marker. either way works.
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Fun fact about us: we really, really like doing crossovers, whether between different Things or just between different AUs of the same Thing. We deeply enjoy throwing things into each other and seeing the relative "normal" interact, tinkering with different potential outcomes of the same general thing, fucking around with culture clash and alternate realities, and all of that fun stuff.
Unfortunately, we also get into flavors of media that isn't quite finished a lot, and we often really want to throw together AUs that we have to write ourself together with things, which means that we're nearly constantly running into the same handful of roadblocks: it's really hard to write about stuff when people have no idea what you're talking about, and it's also really hard to write about stuff when you don't know half of what's going on.
This means that a decent chunk of our writing that is finished tends to stay in drafts - fics based on information that needs to be revealed in stuff we haven't yet written, fics based on media where half of the things we need to know aren't yet revealed in canon, and similar situations easily make up our second most common category of "finished but unpublished" and "finished except for That One Thing" fic (our first most common category is "we need to come up with a decent opening and writing a good hook is hard")
This is, of course, a hell of our own creation. A problem of our own authorship, that we still consistently fail to escape because of our sense of pride and unwillingness to turn out anything that isn't at least half-decent. Similar to the way that we force ourself to reread any media that we write fic of for the sake of accuracy before we can publish it. It makes things take longer, but allows us to ensure quality - though it may hold us back from a certain degree of self-indulgence, mischaracterization is the thing that bothers us most, and if we release a misreading or mischaracterization, that'll haunt us more than any level of soul-baring ever count.
Anyways, all of this is to say that peak self-indulgence for us looks like an isekai Dungeon Meshi/Runaway to the Stars crossover where we stick a handful of characters into the dungeon and let them just kind of cope with that for the forseeable future and the only thing stopping us from doing this is a sense of pride and the fact that Runaway to the Stars doesn't actually have finished & published books right now.
#we speak#writing#no clue if thisll go in the tags for either of those pieces of media. tag search is very inconsistent on that.#if you're looking at this from a fandom tag then hi#this is the same force that keeps 99% of our hbg fic in development hell and the same thing that keeps our multichapters in limbo#if you see us say “we're writing something” and then we don't post it then theres like a 80% chance that its one of three things#either we couldn't make a decent intro we ran into a “need to post this before this” error or we ran into a missing info error#assuming that we didn't get stuck on the reread ofc#sometimes this will also make us into a massive hater because we put large amounts of effort into making things Consistent and Functional#and then we run into authors that Don't do that and we're like “what the hell dude why is your world so sloppy theres holes in here”#the problem is that we unfortunately probably thought it through more than you and now we're in the pit again#anyways. do you guys think that the dungeon could spawn monsters that are edible for talita if she got hungry enough in there#can the dungeon manufacture centaur macromolecules. could talita eat dungeon meat. could the dungeon make centaur safe meatplants#we answer this question in twenty years when rtts is done and published and we can finally write fic for it
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I understand why everyone who read dunmeshi instantly shipped marci and falin but tbh the fact that it's just treated as canon by the fandom cuts on a lot of interesting analysis that could be done on their relationship outside of the romantic reading, which is kind of a shame
#when i read through i spent a lot of time trying to understand if marci saw her as an equal or as a younger friend she had to take care of#this started from her comment about how 29yo is “a child” and falin is younger than that#and then the scene in the bathroom which is very loved by the shippers#it felt a lot like falin understood the implications and marci didn't yk#i read that and it just felt like they were failing to communicate bc marci just couldn't see falins body as something she should be#embarrassed about#very mom with a child behaviour#same in the bed falin mentioned growing up and marci said it was just the same#doesn't it imply she still sees her as a kid?#there's that time in the backstory of when she first met laios and how she treats falin like a kid who can't make her own choices too#like she tells laios off for taking her away and then tells her she'll take her back to the academy like falin isn't#perfectly able to choose for herself#extremely “mom knows best” of her??#there's a lot of moments like that#then there's also everything that could be said about falin being marcis first friend and what it means for her to die#like...if you just call it romance it goes to undermine a bigger issue in marci's character imo?#like marci went to those lengths just cause she's in love with her but i think the point is that this was yet another person she lost before#she was ready to let her go? her character arc culminates in her accepting that falin might just be dead after all#and even with the possibility of falin being reborn she was ready to be taken away by the elves and never see her again#this is incredible growth for her but it only makes sense if falin was just one of many friends this could have happened with#and not the love of her life? I'd assume she would want to spend the rest of falins life with her if that was the case#whether or not she got over her fear of everyone dying before her#it's a thought! i think it's interesting to think about!#it's fun to ship them so I'm not saying we shouldn't or whatever but not treating it as canon now and again would open#to so many possibilities#for example I can't get out of my brain the scenario in which falin is in love with her and marci just can't see it until it's too late#kind of like himmel and frieren? think of the angst!! all lost because we just assume they're canon......tragic
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These are the days in your life
When the price of time is free
Like your daddy said the world is yours
So let it flow naturally
#You know the perk of dead dad is that it overshadows the evil ex bff thing and I hardly worry about it anymore#Sure I could succumb to the Grief of a codependent homoerotic teenage friendship#Or I could just go 'wait a minute... my dad is dead' and cry about that instead#Paradoxically im feeling so much joy recently#Life goes on#I meet new friends who give me hugs and don't treat me like crap#And I go thrifting with people and laugh and I don't think of her until I'm already home#Everyone say 'I hope she doesn't come home for Christmas because I fear i will pass away if I have to interact with her ever again'#Like sup queen. Do you feel bad?#Cause i... feel great#Living and loving and not manipulating my roommate (poor roommate) (I hope she's straight for her own sake)#(But if she's anything like me she will fall head over heels regardless)#(Probably she is nothing like me)#(Kinda feel like I should have backed out during the whole 'condoning cheating on your bf' thing)#(I was actually very stupid (read: loving trusting and traumatized) and should have backed out many times but here we are)#Did you know she didn't say anything when my dad died???? Cmon like we aren't friends at all but a dead parent is a huge deal you couldn't#Even pass along well wishes through your stupid (read: very kind and thoughtful) boyfriend???????#Well well well i say I'm over it and here we are#Anywho. On i go#from the couch#for my archives :]#Spotify
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source
#huntclaire#i was going to reblog this from the source but i didn't want to ramble in their mentions. this will be long#i've been thinking about this post for some days now and i couldn't write why it fit huntclaire so well but i think i can now#i like huntclaire because i do believe they bring out the best of each other but mostly. they bring out the worst of each other#<- and i think that's good. for their (eventual) relationship and for their individual characters#i think before hunt and claire can have a relationship they need to engage with each other in a sincere way. and they do not do that.#they are incapable of that. they're both stuck in their ideas of themselves/each other that they are simply blind to the reality of things#they are both... extremely flawed human beings. as we all are. but they're too self-important to realise that. which is another flaw#hunt thinks His arrogance is a virtue (delusional). claire thinks she's humble (also delusional).#both are very fond of pointing flaws in other people while being unaware of their own. they cannot TALK with each other as long as they#think like this. hunt needs to get over himself and claire needs to know herself#i must make you aware of things you do not see. unsure if it's meant to be taken just in a positive sense but i'm user wesposting#it's good when your partner challenges your idea of things. and i think these are two individuals that need to be constantly challenged#hunt needs someone to tell him to his face that he's kind of a dick sometimes. and claire needs someone to point out the flaws in her logic#they need to be questioned challenged they need to stop and think about themselves. they need to be wrong. only then they can be sincere#they need to be wrong and wrong again and then again. conflict between them is what moves them forward as characters#most of all they annoy each other so much because they see so much of themselves in one another. but acknowledging that is uncomfortable#it's uncomfortable to know yourself through the other#claire's case is interesting because she feels a ucs. Need to make hunt like her. but she's terribly unaware of what makes her unlikeable#<- she's fallen for her own façade. she needs to stop and dig through her bugs.#alsolol i like how both of them are hypocritical. i think it's fun when characters have double standards. i think they suck. but i like the#anyway i must make you aware of the things you do not see. there's things about each other that they also do not see. at first#when they are sincere. when they. Talk. hunt learns claire is not That brash and she can be very insightful when she wants to. does she kno#that? and like i Guess hunt can be caring sometimes even if he's like totally annoying and weird about it. whatever. does he know that?#the artist sees good and bad. they must also see the good and the bad in each other. i think.
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i will never forget how this fandom treated nabu malikata for not reciprocating king deshret's feelings of affection. she genuinely did not understand the concept behind the emotion of love, how was she ever to reciprocate something she could not understand nor grasp.
but this is just me & my bias more than likely because i am easily suckered in by the unrequited love trope.
#ooc. ( ready...action! )#watched a friend's stream where he was going through the things he collected in sumeru & his findings#it just brought back a lot of memories from when sumeru was still slowly unraveling#so much of the fandom made it sound like nabu malikata just did not care for deshret#she did care that was her friend but she just couldn't return the emotions he had for her#because she didn't understand what those emotions even were or what they meant or why it was he even saw her the way he did#i'm rambling in the tags i'm sorry but it was an enjoyable stream#it refreshed a lot of sumeru backstory & lore for me#also i thought the unrequited love trope was popular?#so it caught me so off guard that so many people got so defensive over her not feeling the same way#it could just be me again because i'm a huge fan of that trope
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Margaret and the dog from S6 E9 - Images
#mash#m*a*s*h#mash 4077#margaret houlihan#my art#traditional art#This is the third episode of mash to make me tear up; the first was Abyssinia Henry then it was The Nurses and now Images#Mash is actually changing something in my brain. I never cried while watching TV before. What is going on.#I did not use any references for Margaret so I'm sorry that she doesn’t look quite like herself#I did have to go back through the episode to see the dog again because I wanted to match his coat to make him recognizable#I don't know why drew the dog is so high up. I couldn't figure out how else to draw them together
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the problem is that i have the temperament of a caged animal, but i also have no end goal lol haha isnt that funny. everyone start pointing and laughing already
#i used to be ambitious because i could see myself becoming someone.#im only 20 going on 21 but it feels like i died when i turned 17... i lost everything i used to run towards#and i don't know what to do with myself in the grand scheme of things which is why everything feels pointless in general#but also. if i don't force myself to get up and go through the motions#if i dont even try to push myself past my comfort zone in dose amounts#how will i ever figure out where to go.#it all feels meaningless on a day to day level because i have no goals or ambitions in terms of my entire existence but if i don't DO#anything Now how will i even figure out where to go? what to run towards again?#so i keep going. and it's so exhausting but i keep on fucking going#i hate the part of myself that's so desperate to be seen. why am i so desperate for recognition#it doesnt MEAN anything so many people get recognized and still feel alone and empty#a small tiny example of that: when i won second in a spanish literature competition this February#my prof and head of the department congratulated me and told me they thought i did really well...#my prof even told me she thought i should pursue literature#and i was immensely flattered but it felt fake.#it all felt like lies#i couldn't couldn't feel happy because i was so stuck feeling like an incoherent pile of experiences and emotions#rather than a Person#and because of that i couldn't believe anything nice or real that anyone that was telling me#i don't know what i need anymore. to disappear honestly. i don't think i was meant to be a person#z.post
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I swear, one of these days I'm going to just snap and tear into one of/the majority of my coworkers bc I am SO sick and tired of their behavior
#today the newest girl messages me two hours before her shift and tells me she's going to be late#the time for her shift to start comes along and she messages me again saying she's going to be a bit later than she thought#at this point i'm like fine. whatever#30-40 minutes pass and i finally take my 30 minute lunch break#while i'm going she arrives at 4 (a whole hour late)#she clocks in and then proceeds to make a phone call#despite the literal owner telling her to end the call and come work she does not#he leaves and i tell her she has 5 minutes until she needs to hang up#5 minutes come and go and i tell her she needs to hang up now#i then had to tell her 3 or 4 more times before she finally did#and then she starts stalling and asking if she can call her mom or the boss or this and that and i tell her no each time#i also tell her that she doesn't get a 15 minute break bc at this point she was on the phone for a whole hour in addition to being late#but guess what this girl tries to do anyway!!! take a 15 minute break!!!#i confront her while she's trying to leave and she tries to lie and say that i told her she couldn't take a 30 minute break#she also tries to insist that she wasn't on her phone for an hour when i literally checked the time she clocked in#and the time i finally got her to come work#when she realizes i see through her bullshit she tries to say she's going to call the owner and ask if she can go home early#jokes on her but since he was gone that decision was up to me and i obviously told her no#she got mad at me ofc but i am just so fed up with this shit#my boss might put up with it but i have HAD IT!!!#legit going to tell him that we shouldn't allow phones anymore. period.#i hate to do that but at this point it's so much more trouble than it's worth with these kids#earth duty stuff#vent#negative
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