#Shasmash Day

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I love this so much, Michiru just being like, “Oh, no, you have not quite hit the mark, it’s more that Haruka doesn’t prefer the company of men that might be consider4ed more handsome or interesting than she.” and all the inners just like, “oh yeah that totally fucking checks out” while poor Haruka is like, “IS NO ONE ON  MY SIDE HERE??? I AM A SENSHI!”

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This is perhaps the most important cap in all of Sailor Moon as it shows the absolute ridiculous rage they both boil in each other, and also how much shorter than Haruka Seiya is. But Haruka doesn’t look any more intimidating because she is under the unfortunate impression that buying a blazer in a bigger size makes her that size instead of just hanging off of her like she’s wearing daddy’s clothes and because Seiya has borrowed clothes they look like she’s wearing Garanimals, and so what we have here are two adult women who look like toddlers ready to throw down over some Goldfish.

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I love how much they hate each other, I love the way they hiss like frilled lizards whenever the other one in is in range, I love how unbelievably stupid it all is and how no one had anything to fear from anyone but they want to fight each other so bad and in my HBO original series they get to have a drunken clash in a bar because it’s what I deserve and also because I know in my heart that Haruka is the sort of drunken hot-tempered fool who gets into bar fights.

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I am genuinely obsessed with how Stars, for all its faults, goes out of its way to show how much these two genuinely love each other. From Haruka’s “I just believe in you” to this moment here where Michiru, cold Michiru who pretended for all of S that nothing mattered but saving the world why ALMOST believing her own bullshit, is sitting here telling Haruka openly and honestly that she isn’t bored when she’s with her.

I do actually believe in viewing things in their time, which is not the same as letting things off the hook, and I am SO MAD about the fact that even with the new myus and crystal and all that, we still have never gotten a canon kiss, so I am not forgiving the behavior of the FRANCHISE, and I do in fact now think it a mistake to call it great lesbian representation, but the anime in the 90s did a really wonderful job, ESPECIALLY in Stars, of showing them as a loving couple without much salaciousness.

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I changed my mind, this is straight up fucking stupid, and I am going to engage with it. What do they all owe Mamoru? Fucking seriously, we are all 16 years old and Mamoru is inappropriately older, and not one of them is like, “Good, I think you should break up with Mamoru.” Like, we’re all always on Usagi’s side and cheering her on even when she’s being a fucking dumbass, unless it’s about creating all this drama and then suddenly everyone is clinging to Mamoru like they’re shipwrecked and he’s some floating detritus. There’s NO difference of opinion here?

To say NOTHING about the fact that they automatically assume ill dealings here. Like, I cannot imagine my friends seeing a woman, even a hot butch one, taking a shower at my house and assuming so hard that I am cheating in my wife that they BROKENHEARTEDLY peel carrots and call me sleazy. I mean, so, Usagi deserves your trust until she potentially Goes Against the Sacred Man? Potentially destroying the world so she can keep her stupid don’t-kill-anyone ideals intact? You go, girl! Hurting Mamoru? We do condemn!! Whole heartedly!!

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I am pleased about the fact that the narrative, so far, isn’t punishing the legacy. I think there’s a tendency, as a hyperreaction to the idea that a military family is good, is the idea that a military family is bad. I think the idea of being a legacy is fairly neutral. I think it can be a lot of things. I have resisted blorboing for like, two hours, so you’re going to let me do it here: Fareeha and Lena are both legacies, but it’s VERY different between the two of them.

But I GET the perspective here. I get the idea that you have to be twice as good and twice as upstanding, because people will constantly look for ways to discredit you or hold you to account. I get the massive amount of family pride in “we came from nothing, but we were able to be this one thing that our family is now KNOWN for” and I think that’s something that can’t be hard to understand, really.

Anyway, I like that the show is presenting this as neither bad nor good, but a reality.

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“I AM A SPACE ALIEN PRINCESS WARRIOR TYPE SEARCHING FOR MY PRINCESS WHO’S HIDDEN IN LIKE, AN INCENSE POT. TOTALLY LEGIT.”

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I know this is, in one sense, an alt history, but OH THIS IS AN ALT HISTORY.

I have complex feelings about alt histories. On the one hand, they can be fun noodling experiments. On the other, history has so fucking many moving parts, y’all. To the point that almost any alt history can be torn down pretty quickly with “Well what about X? That almost certainly would have been involved, which would have led to a complication of Y*”

I mean, even looking here, I’m sitting here thinking, okay, so, New France was still ceded to the Americans to fund France’s hate-on for England, great, okay, but given that most of actual French settlement was in New Orleans, how much sense does it make to have Oklahoma be Lousiana? And this isn’t even an area I’m fully knowledgeable about.

But let’s talk about one I am!

This shows, I think, a pretty critical misunderstanding of the history of Montana and the Dakotas, including the socio-political reasons they were split up the way they were. This is going to be a massive oversimplification because no one wants to read 5,000 words about the creation of the west on a liveblog of a witch show, but: There wasn’t two Dakotas for convenience’s sake, and indeed, if we’re trying to go with initial boundaries, MOST of the Dakotas would have been Montana, but Fits Were Thrown about how big of a state it would have been, and--and this is the important part--with massive access to gold, silver, and copper. To say nothing of the fact that machinations were involved in Deadwood because of its immense wealth, and they resisted statehood for a long time because they didn’t crave the laws. It’s also a fascinating world to me where Idaho Got Their Way about the border being on the continental divide instead of Montana winning the day and pushing them back. I wouldn’t call that based in misunderstanding, I mean, it COULD have happened, but Montana’s consolidated political power pushed it back to the Bitteroots.

But clearly there is SOME understanding of how the west was formed, because I can see that whoever drew this up took into account that the government was just wild about the borders of the newer states being rectangular, which I think is kinda dumb, but the government being dumb for reasons I don’t purely understand is a delightful part of the human experience across time and distance.

None of this even goes into the government playing musical chairs with various tribes, which admittedly had less of an impact on the creation of state borders, but not none at all.

BOY NO ONE WANTED THIS

* I’m a member of a group that exists basically to answer history questions, and the rules on how you can answer, the sources you have to provide, and the bonafides you have to have are pretty great, to the point that I’ve only been able to answer one question in the years I’ve been a member, but anyway there’s a lowkey rule against “What would have happened if?” because of these realities. We can’t REALLY say what would have happened, both because it’s a guessing game at best, though an informed one in the right hands, and because it’s so easy to tear down that it’s impossible to give a factual answer.

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I have no idea what book I think Haruka is “reading” and in my perfect world it’s something she just grabbed off the shelf like she was super interested in it but it’s one of Kenji’s books on photography theory or something and she just opened it to something on color balance as she thinks of ways to annoy the fuck out of Seiya.

But let’s us have a rare moment of appreciation for the other Starlights here. First of all, as Seiya and Haruka are sniping back and forth, Taiki sitting there, eyes all the way fucking closed in frustration, trying to tune out the petty little bitchfest happening next door. This was supposed to be a good book! This was supposed to be a good time. And yet, no, all there is is two cats yowling at each other and false charging.

yaten immediately standing up at Haruka saying Yaten and Seiya might be the same kind of person like “Fuck you buddy don’t you ever accuse me of being like her ever again” 

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I am somewhat married to the old translation, “It’s true! I’m not bored” simply because it’s the one I’m most familiar with and it also gives Michiru a bit of hilarious edge and has her joining in my appreciation of watching Haruka puff herself up like an infuriated turkey.

All that being said, I do have appreciation for “never a dull moment’ because I do think it speaks to the experience of what being married to Haruka* would be like. Haruka is dramatic and blustering and quick-tempered and very emotional and well meaning, but one thing she’s not, is boring. I completely believe that Michiru bopth deeply loves the way she is, and is also very much, “here we go again” and I think that can in fact be a part of loving someone, is just knowing what they are like and having to deal with it. For me, it’s knowing I have to pry my wife out of the house with a crowbar, only for her to be like, “This is fun, actually” and for her I’m sure it’s me being on another tornado of wildass feeling and immediate action without thinking.

Anyway, i DO like it for that, and I like how it brings a different flavor than what I was used to.

*Yes, they are married. No, I am not taking notes at this time.

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At what point do we think Michiru just starts having Haruka’s clothes custom made and tailored and tells them to sew in a size medium tag so Haruka can have some clothes that fit her?

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I know this is a quirk of translation more than anything, but I cannot stop laughing over the fact that Usagi, who she has known for some time now, who is the princess to which she is pledged whether she likes it or not, is just “that girl.”

So remarkably dismissive, I shall take it immediately.

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My favorite thing about this is that it shows the car having trouble starting, and Haruka saying it’s the fan belt. Why do I love that. If you have a broken fan belt--and I assume she’s talking about the serpentine belt specifically-- starting is generally not the issue or sign of that. Instead, your power steering will go and and your engine will heat up, so unless she’s already blown the engine it shouldn’t have trouble starting initially. Also, if you know what you’re looking for, you should be able to see a shredded fan belt FAIRLY quickly, though admittedly I have no idea of the setup under the hood for this Toyota, they’re so rare I’ve never seen one IRL.

So, let me put this to you--it’s an electrical problem. Electrical problems are like chasing ghosts in cars, they are fucking nightmares that very often end up borking the car completely and this is ONE of the reasons I think we all ought be a touch more reticent to welcome more technology into our cars, even a reason we should be looking to REDUCE the tech in our cars. Anyway, Haruka has no fucking idea what the fuck is wrong. That’s not a read on her, that’s the nature of electrical issues with the car. But she doesn’t want to lose face in front of Michiru, even though they are basically an old married couple by now, because Haruka is the Car Girl, right?? And so she’s like, “uh, it’s a fan belt, babe. Can’t be fixed rn.“ and in her head she’s like “Is this a fuse, or is this the harness, because one of those is fine and one of those fucking sucks and it could be EITHER”

And Michiru the whole time does not give even one solitary shit, she has people for that, and mostly she’s looking to brighten up her night, and what Haruka doesn’t know is this one of the possibilities she has Seen and Michiru knows if the car breaks down, she will have something far more entertaining than a movie to see.

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OH THANK GOD TAKE ME TO OUR TWO BELOVED IDIOT MOTHS

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Oh, I’m sorry canon, but ding-dong, you are wrong, there is no way MY Minako would say anything other than, “Fuck yeah, get it girl, you see them abs?” why is she sucking Mamo’s dick so hard that she worries about Usagi’s fucking fidelity Usagi is 16 and has had exactly one boyfriend, diversify her portfolio.

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This is such a remarkable failure of secret identity and undercover mission that I’m almost impressed. How Galaxia did not find you three morons and nuke you from orbit immediately is a mystery to us all. Which brings up the thought: Okay, so, if these goobers are assuming that bursting onto the Japanese pop scene is going to help them find their princess, which, lol, did they not assume that Galaxia, who KNOWS WHO THEY FUCK THEY ARE, could track them down for herself? ??? ???????

Don’t get me wrong, i mean this is in keeping with every idea I have about Seiya Kou and her bright ideas up to and including the headcanon I have always held that they all have the same “first name”: because Seiya didn’t understand how Japanese works when they came to the country and was like, “yeah these fake papers are totally going to check out” and then she just had to commit to the bit while Yaten is telling her what a fucking moron she is as they have to explain how totally normal this is to their agent.