#Shadowheart trolling Lae’zel is my favorite thing to think about

[fatale-distraction]

This idea distracted me all day at work so now I graciously share with you

Barcus is sad after breaking his friendship with Wulbren off, so Lithe tries to cheer him up by reminding him of all the friends he still has, like Wyll and Karlach and Halsin. "Those are your friends," he reminds her. It's not the same.

Lithe goes back to camp and gathers everyone together and insists that they make sure Barcus knows they're his friend. Wyll and Karlach are so enthusiastic and on board. Halsin already considers Barcus a friend, but vows to double his efforts. Gale's response is a tad more reserved but no less game. Astarion is pretending to be asleep. Lae'zel just says "chk."

Shadowheart, however, thinks she's fucking funny.

"I'm going to be Barcus' BEST friend," she insists. "I'm going to be a better friend to Barcus than anyone ever. Even better than Karlach. NOBODY is going to be bester friends with Barcus than me."

Lae'zel is suddenly OUTRAGED.

“And what am I, chopped spleen? (here, Shadowheart tries to explain the phrase is "chopped liver", but Lae'zel steamrolls right over her) No, I will not stand for this. I will be Barcus' best friend. I will be such a BEST FRIEND that he won't NEED any other friends. He will be so best friended his head will explode." Shadowheart just winks at Lithe. Out of everyone, Lae'zel is the one Barcus is most afraid of, so when Lithe comes to bring him the great news that Lae'zel intends to be his new best friend forever, all he can say is "why?" in a squeaky little voice. Lae'zel isn't entirely sure what being a best friend in Fay Roon entails. In her culture, she would put him through excruciating training regimens and perhaps compliment his sharp teeth and terrifying visage, but he has neither of those, and would likely expire from the first five minutes of a Githyanki training routine. So she asks Gale what "FRIENDS" do on Faerun, since he is “the most well-educated.” She shows up at Barcus' house half an hour later with a pie to give him advice on his love life, or else. "I have brought you this “PIE,” as I am told it is customary to present one's friends with baked goods as tribute when visiting their homes. I will now give you advice regarding your intimate sexual relationship with Lithe."

“But—“

“Please sit down, this will be extensive.”