#Seeing as y’all liked my ocs as much as you did I wanna post em more when I draw em

[askamnesiamoonjumper]

Also here’s oc art (specifically Star Stuff and some Exemplars)(and a small tutu in there )

and considering? Changing patts design? So here’s concept of that too!

but yeah here’s some oc content to balance out there not being much ask/comic content I need to start work on the next part soon

[firemblem-fics]

Smitten Kitten [3]

one | two | three | four | finale

-> Pairing: Felix x Female!Reader | Hybrid!Au (mostly platonic idk)

-> Words: 1.6k

-> Warnings: Cursing, A Literal Karen, Mentions of Abuse (not too in depth, but still there), Manipulation, a Slightly Suggestive Conversation

-> Genre: Fluff, Crack, Some Angst

-> Summary: You never wanted to be involved with hybrids. They were risky and had too many rules for you. But what will you do when a little black and white cat that you take in turns out to be the very thing you steered clear of?

-> A/N: so I made two FE3H oc’s and also have gotten back into drawing so I was wondering ... how would y’all feel if I wrote and also posted some of my drawings and stuff here? it would give y’all more content and I’d probably be inclined to post more often lol anyways enjoy

“This is fucking stupid-”

“Stupid? Felix, you lied to me.”

You were livid. First this fuck-ass cat shows up in your life, worms his way into your heart even though you swore you wouldn’t get a hybrid, and then brings all kinds of trouble with him. If you weren’t already so attached to him, you’d just let the people- Doug and Karen- take him. But you couldn’t. You cared too much.

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

“It’s a huge deal! You told me that they didn’t want you, not that you ran away. Do you know how this can affect me keeping you? They can take me to court or something and get you back.”

“But you signed the papers, I’m yours.”

Your heart fluttered, but you ignored it. “You’re mine, but you also belong to these people. I can’t just take you from them, but I can’t let you go back to them if they were that bad to you- were they even bad? Or did you just not like them? Did you lie to me about that too?”

Felix’s eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t like them because they were bad. Look at ‘em. They don’t love anything except for the gold around their necks, especially not me. I was literally put in cat shows to earn money. If I ever got below first place, they’d…”

He shuddered and sat down on the edge of your bed. You leaned against the door, arms crossed. From the other room you heard talking. Ashe probably saw your front door open and came to investigate.

Felix couldn’t look you in the eyes. You looked so hurt. Not even angry- just hurt. “Please don’t make me go back.”

You sighed and dropped your arms. “I don’t want you to go back, Fe. But I- I don’t know what else to do. They’ve obviously got more money and if they take me to court they’ll win for being ‘better equipped’ to care for you.”

“But they’re not.” His voice was growing desperate. “You are. What if- what if we can prove the center that you’re better than them? Courts don’t deal with Hybrid ownership, the facilities do. Nancy does.”

At that moment, the door creaked open. Two red ears appeared first, then a mop of red hair.

Sylvain grinned and walked in, closing the door and throwing a wink Felix’s way. The cat bristled.

“Give me your phone.”

“I’m not cheating, I swear.”

“We’re not- fuck you, give me your phone, Sylvain.”

The dog practically whimpered and handed over the phone. Felix had a Cheshire grin as he unlocked it. Typical Sylvain to not have a password despite all the dumb shit on the phone. You tapped your foot impatiently, anxious for Ashe who kept the two other people occupied.

“So, what are you planning?”

“I’ll go back with them, but I’ll keep this phone. I’ll- I’ll take those audio messages and send videos and shit when I can. I’ll just have to be careful.” This was the most Felix had ever talked to anyone. His voice was shaky, despite trying to desperately hide it.

“Absolutely not. Felix, you're not going with them! Who knows what they’ll do-“

“I think me dealing with their shit for a few weeks will be worth it if I get to spend the rest of my life with you.”

Your eyes widened and so did Felix’s. He flushed a bright red after realizing what he said. Sylvain cracked up.

“I- I mean, as an owner. You don’t do those things, that’s all. I just-“

“Nah, nah, it’s alright, you little smitten kitten~” Sylvain still smiled. “We catch your drift.”

Felix huffed. “There’s no drift to catch! Fucking drop it! Drop the drift!”

He stood up and yanked the door open, scaring the shit out of Ashe. You followed him quickly, grabbing onto his sleeve as Sylvain went back to Ashe’s side.

“You don’t have to do this, we can find another way.” You whispered. Felix could clearly see your absolute distress at letting him leave.

He held your gaze and let out a sigh. “I’ll be okay. You and Ashe just keep a lookout for my messages.”

With that, Felix tugged his arm out of your grasp and walked to Doug and Karen. He didn’t say anything, just looked down at the ground, his head lowered.

Submission.

That wasn’t the Felix you had come to know. Felix was loud and didn’t take shit from anyone. To see him suddenly reduced to something resembling a kicked puppy- the irony- was borderline heartbreaking.

You couldn’t help but tear up as the door closed. Sylvain whimpered. Ashe, who was silent and confused the whole time, whipped around to you.

“What the fuck is going on?” He seethed. “You didn’t even put up a fight-“

“Take a chill pill, Ashie.” Sylvain went behind Ashe and began to massage his shoulders. Ashe slapped his hands away. “We’ve got a plan.”

“A plan? Y/N, listen, you’re not Claude. You’re not Yuri. Your little plans never work the way they should.”

“Just give this one a chance!” You practically pleaded. “Felix has Sylvain’s phone. He’s gonna send updates and videos on what they’re doing. Hopefully they’ll be enough to convince the facility that Felix is better off with me.”

“Or not! If you don’t remember correctly, the lady fucking hated Felix. She’d probably do whatever she can to make sure he suffers.”

“Maybe the fact that we’re fighting to get him back will prove that we care more than the others-“

“-who literally came to your door and wanted him back. I’ve got no doubt they’ll fight too.” Ashe sighed. “This will only work if they really do something.”

At that moment, your phone pinged. The notification was from Sylvain’s phone. A video from Felix.

You opened the message and pressed okay, shushing Ashe and turning up the volume. Felix was in the backseat of the car while Doug and Karen sat up front. The angle was shitty and the phone was extremely shaky. Felix was trying to hide the phone from them.

“Felix Hugo, what the fuck were you thinking? Leaving like that? After all we’ve done for you?” Karen’s voice was shrill and loud, not even hiding her anger.

“After all you’ve done for me? You’ve done nothing-“

“Shut up! You’re ungrateful. We’ve fed you and housed you. You’re lucky someone even does that for a dumb cat like you. You’re practically feral- unlovable!”

The camera shook a little harder at that word.

Unlovable.

Your heart clenched, but there were still a few more seconds to the video.

“I can’t believe you thought a girl like that would even care about you. See how easily she let you go? She didn’t really want you. See, Felix Hugo? See how worked up you’ve gotten me?”

Doug’s voice cut in, silencing Karen’s annoying distress. “Just wait until we get home. We’ll deal with him there.”

You were probably shaking even more than Felix at this point. ‘Wait until we get home’... you didn’t even want to think of the implications of that.

The video was pure manipulation. But… to some, it may not be enough to make them question Felix’s safety.

Unfortunately.

You texted back, “Just a little more. In about two days, we’ll contact the facility and try to get them to hear us. I’m so sorry.”

“You’re trying your best. Just… try faster.”

“Miss you already.”

Seen.

Hanging your head, you looked up at the two boys. You shrugged and turned off your phone. A few more days, you said. Could you even handle that? You were already so used to his presence. To have an empty household again was something you didn’t want.

Even if it was full of Felix yelling… it was kind of endearing. He was always angry when Ashe and Sylvain were around. It makes sense why other people would be put off by his personality. But he was just…

Defensive.

Felix had walls up that were practically impenetrable. Could that excuse the rude, borderline abusive words he said to others? No. He could only apologize and do better from that. But he wouldn’t get better if he was with Doug and Karen.

You put your head in your hands and began tearing up. “I just want him safe. With me.”

Ashe and Sylvain exchanged glances.

“Yeah, you want him with you. To be with you. To… share your bed, in a literal sense, right?” Sylvain’s eyes held a sly glint in them. You raised an eyebrow.

“What are you on about now?”

“You and Felix. You want him to be with you. You want to be with him…”

“What?”

“Do you have feelings for him? You wanna fuck that cat?”

“Wh- I don’t want to fuck a cat! He’s… he’s more human than cat. Hybrids are just people that can turn into animals…”

Sylvain rolled his eyes. “Hybrids are people that can turn into animals, have ears and a tail, go into heats, all that shit. You don’t want to deal with an angry feline in a heat-“

“Is that why you’re neutered?”

“I’M NOT NEUTERED. FUCK YOU.”

You just sighed and checked your phone again. No check from Felix, even though it hasn't even been five minutes since the last message. You were just scared.

Ashe got up and began to cook dinner for you, deciding that you weren’t fit to do it tonight. You protested, but ultimately complied as Sylvain laid his head in your lap in hopes of an ear scratch.

That night, you tossed and turned. It was weird without a little cat body at the foot of your bed. You couldn’t help but think of worst case scenarios, spanning from just not being able to get Felix back to rather… unsavory ideas of what could be happening to him now. You finally settled down and forced your eyes shut, hoping that your dreams would be better than your thoughts.

They weren’t.

[random-mha-thoughts]

Rose (Bakugou x Reader)

Pairing: Bakugou x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst to slight fluff

Summary: Bakugou has a crush on you and uses Kirishima’s party as the perfect time to confess.  He’s practiced so many times, but things don’t go according to plan.

Inspo: “Forever Now” by Ne-yo and this TikTok

Word count: 2,241

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​ @liviitehe​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​ 

a/n: I think y’all have been too spoiled with all the fluff I’m putting out, it’s time you start crying and screaming.

Also I tried something new with this.  I put it in Bakugou’s POV, so for the first time in all my posts, I’ve actually had to use (y/n).  It feels so weird!  In all my past writing I use OCs, but this fandom loves (y/n) so much.

I think it’s pretty canon that Explosion boy has a secret inferiority complex, so I tried to channel that here too (aka slight cursing warning? But it’s baku, it’s implied)  Enjoy!

Alright, dumbass, you're doing this tonight whether you're ready or not.

My reflection stares back at me in the mirror as I ruffle my hair for the who-knows-how-many time in the past hour.  I need to put in the extra effort to look particularly handsome tonight.  Instead of going in jeans and a shirt like I always do, I chose a white button down, black jeans, a black belt and all black sneakers.  I triple checked my breath and sprayed myself with deodorant twice for good measure.  Nothing can ruin this, nothing should ruin this.

I hope.

"No, idiot!" I point at my reflection.  "You gotta believe you got this!  She's gonna be blown away by how hot you look and how suave you are!"  I take deep breath and adjust the collar of my shirt.  "You're the man.  Why wouldn't she like you?  You're a catch."  I pause, realizing what I'm doing.  "Fucking moron!" I growl, convincing myself I'm not crazy for talking to myself.

I grab my bomber jacket hanging from my doorknob, a rose already tucked in the inside pocket.  I'm confessing my feelings for her today, it's now or never.

Ever since Kirishima dared us to kiss a few weeks ago at lunch as part of a game, I can't get her out of my head.  Her lips just mold so perfectly against mine.  I would've kept going if she hadn't pulled away and we had to play it cool afterwards.  Even before that, I guess I had feelings for her.  A girl that can be affectionate, can hold her own in a fight, and can put me in my place with a sharp tongue; that's the kind of girl she is.  With such a great personality, she could have anyone she wants, I just hope she chooses me too.

I shake my head, dispersing those thoughts.  I have to believe she's interested in me too.  We have good chemistry, even Kirishima agrees that we would be explosive together.  I can feel her sometimes get nervous around me, light up a little brighter when she sees me.

Soon enough, I find myself outside Kirishima's place, the faint sound of bass bumping leaking from behind the door.  I take a deep breath and let myself in, the background music hitting me first and the smell of sweat second.  Everyone's gathered into their separate groups at different corners of the room.  (Y/n)'s with Kirishima, Ashido, and Kaminari near the snack table, so I slip over.

"Woooow Bakugou!  You cleaned up nicely!" Ashido squeals as I approach them.

As all of their eyes turn to me, I tug at my shirt collar again.  "Yeah, yeah, shut up about it.  I just didn't wanna look like a bum."

"You look great, dude," Kirishima shoots me an 'ok' gesture.

"Brooo, if I were a chick, I'd bang you," Kaminari slurs, leaning into me.

"Hands off, dude," I push him away from me.  "What's up with him?  Did Jirou taze him again or something?"

"He's had a few too many drinks," Mina shakes her head at him.

(Y/n) snorts, taking a sip from her plastic cup, "I smell gay panic."

"I'm not gay!" I scream a little too defensively.

"There's no need to hide it, Bakugou, we'd still support you," she continues with her teasing, looking me dead in the eyes with her suave glance.

For a moment, I'm tongue-tied and my heart skips a beat.  I cough to cover it up.  "Good to know, but sadly for Kirishima, I'm not into guys."

"Hey!" the redhead pouts and Ashido pats his shoulder comfortingly.

We continue talking about whatever.  I don't miss the few times (y/n) sneaks a glance at me.  Maybe it inflates my ego, but I'm relieved she noticed, especially since I dressed up for her.  It's a good sign, maybe things will go well later.

The only annoyance is the way Kaminari's messy behavior, throwing himself all around and slurring.  It clearly puts off everyone, (y/n) included.  The good part is that he's making a fool of himself and (y/n) scoots over closer to me to avoid him.

"Is that dumbass getting on your nerves?  I'll destroy him for you," I whisper to her.

"No, it's fine, he's just having a good time," she responds, scooting a little closer to me until our arms touch.  She bites her lip before adding, "You look really handsome today.  Did you finally look through your closet for once?"

I shove her with my shoulder.  "I have someone I wanted to impress."

She quirks an eyebrow and smirks at me.  "So you are gay for Kirishima?"

It's so hard for me to be angry at her when she looks at me like that.  It doesn't help that she looks amazing too.  Her leather pants hug her curves and her velvet black crop top exposes just enough stomach.  "How can I be gay when you're standing right here?"

Her body shifts towards me.  "I guess I should take that as a compliment?"

"What do you think?"  I lean in closer to her.  The flowery scent of her perfume fills my nose and it takes everything I have to not kiss her right there.

She glances down at my lips for a moment, biting her own.  "I think I wanna dance."  Finishing whatever's left in her cup, she grabs my arm and brings me to the middle of the room where I hadn't even realized everyone else in our group was dancing.  Jirou had stolen Kaminari away to dance with his drunk ass and Kirishima's with Ashido.

I start stepping to the music with (y/n).  I'll admit I'm not the best at this, I don't even know what to do with my hands.  Can I put them on her waist?  On her hips?  Is she cool with me touching her at all?  She senses my hesitation and places me hands just above her hips where the exposed skin is.  Surprisingly, it's warm despite being out in the open.

"What's got you so tense?" she smirks at me as she sways her hips to the music.

I smirk back at her.  "Just wanted to make sure you can handle me touching you."

As we continue moving to the music, her arms wrap around my neck, bringing us closer together and my heart pounds.  "You look beautiful," I half-yell in her ear over the noise.

"Thanks."  She pauses before adding, "I was joking about the Kirishima thing."

I lower my hands to her hips, making sure not to touch anywhere else by accident.  "I know.  He's not the one I'm trying to impress."

I watch as she bites her lip and looks down at mine.  Her body almost instinctively leans into me, letting me feel her.  My head spins out of control.  Now, idiot!  Now's the time to do it.  My throat feels dry, the words I've rehearsed countless times failing to come out.

The thought of rejection enters my mind and I freeze up.  I'm not ready, I can't do this.  "I'll be back, I'm getting a drink."  I unwrap my arms from around her warmth.  She blinks, seemingly dazed, and I escape, trying not to reveal how nervous I am.

I lean over the table, suddenly nauseous and cold all over.  Idiot!  You just blew your chance!  That was the perfect time!  I stuff pretzels in my mouth, cursing myself as I try to relieve my anger by crunching something.

"Whoa, are you good, dude?"  Kirishima approaches me, an eyebrow quirked.  "I thought you and (y/n) were getting it on dancing well?"

I growl, "I chickened out, I couldn't do it."

My best friend crosses his arms.  "Come on, dude, grow a pair and just say it.  Like ripping a bandage off."  His face lights up.  "I know.  You just need some liquid courage."  He pours me a shot of whatever these idiots managed to smuggle in here into a smaller plastic cup.  "Down the hatch!  I'll link back up with you in a sec.  Good luck!"  He pats my head and flashes a shark-toothed grin before heading somewhere else.

I don't even bother looking inside it before gulping the whole thing down in one shot, the liquid leaving a burning trail as it slides down my throat.  Scrunching my eyes and shaking the pain away, I let out a whoop of confidence and take the rose from my jacket.  I take a deep to calm my nerves again.  "Let's do this," I chant, turning around.

And I wish I hadn't.

Kaminari's lips are against her's.  And she's not pushing him away.

My entire body grows cold, everything in slow motion and muted as I watch them.  I drop the stupid rose and run outside, slamming the door behind me.  My breaths heave in my chest as I try to control my emotions.  White hot fury, regret, and misery mix in my veins and my head becomes too heavy to bear.  I feel like punching something and crying at the same time.  I don't know who I'm more angry at.  Kaminari for being a drunken asshole?  Me for chickening out and ruining a perfect confession?  (Y/n) for kissing him and leading me on this entire time?

I lean against the wall, clutching for something to hold onto as the world spins under my emotions.  The thing that grounds me is the sound of the door opening.

"Bakugou?" her voice follows against the music.  "Kiri said you ran out-"

My instincts act before I can stop myself, fueled by rage.  I push her up against the wall with a thump.  "What the fuck was that?" I growl from low in my throat.  She freezes, knowing she was caught.  "Why were you kissing that idiot?  And why didn't you push him away?"

Her broken face betrays no words, she barely even wants to look at me, frustrating me eve more.

"Damnit!" I roar, slamming my hand into the wall next to her head, making her flinch.  "I know you like me.  Either that or you're leading me on for your own entertainment.  Tell me the truth or I'm walking away."

(Y/n) finally lifts her head and stares into my eyes.  She looks almost as emotional as I do.  "Denki and me... We were together before!"  She screws her eyes closed.  "Things we just not working out, and when we broke up, I thought we were fine.  We were both cool with it.  But he was a drunken mess and he was crying about how much he missed me out of nowhere and I was just overwhelmed, okay!"  She's shaking now, but manages to open her eyes and shoot me a malicious glare.  "And how can you be angry?!  I thought we were having a great time dancing and getting closer to each other and then you pull away!  What was I supposed to think?  I took that as a rejection!"

I groan out and scream, "I fucked up, I know!"  My hand collides with the wall again, lolling my head onto her shoulder, breathing in her scent again.  A mix of her and my anger makes me snap my head back up and grab her shoulders.  "I... (Y/n)."  My words won't come out, and I growl again.  "I fucking like you!  That's what I should've said and all this would've been avoided!  I should've fucking kissed you when I had the chance!"

With that, I angrily smash my lips to her's.  She tastes slightly of alcohol and the cherries I remember from our kiss a week ago.  "I wanted to be the only one kissing you tonight," I murmur, crushing her into the wall with my body and attacking her again.

My heart skips a beat when she pulls me by my collar, moving her hands up and grabbing my nape, nails slightly digging into my skin.  She kisses me just as angrily and passionately, each of us trying to dominate the other.  Our kisses become sloppy as the heat rises between us, trying to nip at each other, me ultimately winning and capturing her swollen bottom lip between my teeth.

I push her away, both of us panting for breath.  "Well?  Are you just gonna kiss me or are you gonna say something?"

Her face turns a deeper shade of red.  "I-I like you too.  Stupid."

The way she's so flustered almost melts the anger out of me, but her acceptance of my feelings is what completely erases it.  I clear my throat.  "Good.  So now you're mine.  And if I catch that electric idiot trying to kiss you again, I'm pounding his face in."

She shoots me a look.  "You don't have to act so tough.  I know you're just insecure."

My face heats up.  "Shut up, idiot.  I'm not sharing you with anyone, that's all."  I remember the rose and start frantically patting my jacket for it, until I look down and see it slightly worse for wear.  I pick it up and cough.  "God, I rehearsed this so well and look what happened."

(Y/n) plucks the flower out of my hand and pecks my cheek with a grin.  "I think it was a lot hotter this way."

I chuckle.  "You're right," I sneak my hands to her hips again, like it's become a new routine, "I'm not cut out for that vanilla bullshit anyway."

[missmensis]

Give us the Wind, Give us the Storm; 8/??

pairing: Arthur Morgan / Fem!Reader/OC

summary: Chapter 8 / ?? (read all chapters here)

A/N: I post this in on all chapter notes, but just an FYI - it is a reader POV; however, I chose not to use “Y/N” in the story because I do believe it kind of takes you out of the story if you have to read this and insert your name. So the Reader has been given a name, a personality, you can view it as an OC but from the reader’s perspective.

read it on AO3.

You sat on the log facing the lake, your arm around Abigail, as she cried into your shoulder.

“It’s-it’s goin’ to be okay, Abigail,” You did your best to soothe her but it was futile, “Arthur, John, and Dutch, they’ll help figure it out. We’ll find him, I promise.”

She didn’t respond, only heaved uncontrollably. Sadie rubbed her back on the other side of the log, her brows furrowed, looking like her thoughts were going a mile a minute. The rest of the women sat around you, trying to calm Abigail down and reassuring her that Jack was being searched for by John and the rest of the men left in camp.

Molly was silent and detached; you hadn't spent that much time getting to know her since you’d arrived, but from what you’d noticed, she didn’t really try to familiarise herself with the rest of the gang either, only Dutch.

The group of you heard the sound of horses approaching and turned toward the entrance to camp to see Arthur, Micah, and Bill riding back. You then noticed that there were four horses, but only three riders. There was no sign of Sean. You looked to Karen, who was pale as a ghost as she also came to the realization that Sean was missing. Mary-Beth met your eyes and mouthed “Go” as she got up and took your place next to the inconsolable Abigail.

You grabbed Karen’s hand and pulled her up with you as you approached the men.

“Where is he?” Karen demanded. You glared at Micah and Bill before looking at Arthur. Micah walked off without a word, making a beeline to Dutch’s tent.

Arthur had a look in his eye that you’d never seen; it was full of anger, sorrow, regret, fury.

Oh god.

“Arthur, where is Sean?” You pressed, gripping Karen’s hand tighter.

Arthur let out a deep breath before he looked at her woefully, “Karen...”

Your eyes moved behind him, past Bill who was hiding something, or someone, on his horse behind him. You pushed past Arthur, who tried to put a hand up to stop you, but knew it was ultimately futile. You shoved a silent Bill aside to see Sean’s body, face down, slumped over the back of his horse. He wasn’t breathing. The sunlight glinted copper against his hair, his hat nowhere to be seen, a chunk of his head was missing.

You felt as if the rug had been ripped out from under you as tears welled up in your eyes and you looked over your shoulder at Karen, who had cried out at the gruesome sight of Sean. She slumped into Arthur’s chest and began hitting his torso with her fists as she shrieked, “How could you let this happen?!”

She began sobbing as Arthur put his arms around her, trying to hold her still, a somber look on his face. The tears were streaming down your face as you turned back to Sean, lifeless and broken in front of you. It was as if you had lost another brother. You put your hand on his shoulder as if in denial, lightly shoving it, hoping he would look up at you and laugh like it was all a ruse. Except he never did.

You sank to your knees next to Bill’s horse, your head in your hands as you tried to control your quickening heartbeat and heaving chest. You felt a hand on your shoulder and looked up to see Bill staring down at you sadly. This was the most emotion or affection you'd ever seen Bill show; you could tell it upset him more than he wanted to show.

“I’m goin’ to move his body,” Bill said quietly, “Don’t want the rest of the women to see him.”

You couldn’t speak, only nod, your lip quivering, as Bill slowly lifted Sean’s body off the horse and onto his shoulders.

Karen was trying to break free of Arthur’s grasp when she saw Bill walking away with Sean’s lifeless corpse.

“No! Don’t take him,” she pleaded, “No, please...”

She pounded on Arthur until he relented, letting her chase after Bill to get one last look at Sean before he would be put into the earth.

Time seemed to come to a stop as you knelt there in the grass, your pulse still raging out of control and your blood boiling as you simply looked at the ground. The grass was wet with your tears and the drops of blood that had fallen from Sean’s head.

Arthur slowly moved and sat down behind you, pulling you into his chest as you stared into the void.

“What happened, Arthur?” You whispered through tight lips.

“We walked into a trap. The Grays...whole thing was a god damn set up,” he replied, harsh tones of regret in his voice, “Before we realized, they shot him, there was nothin’ we could do. No chance at savin’ that poor fool.”

You were silent as Arthur recounted the tale, anger building inside you.

Between Sean’s death and Jack’s disappearance, you’d had it up to here with Lemoyne and Rhodes. You were seething as you watched Karen walking away from where Sean was now being buried, her face stone-like as she approached Strauss’s medical wagon, grabbing a bottle of gin and stalking off toward the lake with it. What pain she must be in. You loved Sean in your own way, but what she was feeling was surely hellish. You nestled against Arthur, knowing you’d want to burn down the world if any such thing had happened to him.

“I just,” You sighed, “We loved him.”

“I know, darlin’, I know,” Arthur rested his chin on the top of your head, “Kid was like a brother to me. Annoyin’ little brother, but one of the best men I knew, he had a good heart.”

“Poor Karen,” you watched her sadly as she slumped against one of the tree trunks and drank deeply, nearly a quarter of the way through the bottle of gin already.

“You have to watch out for her, Jane,” Arthur said, “I know I can only say so much, but I know she’ll listen to you. Don’t let her drink herself to death. We all gotta keep an eye on her.”

“Arthur,” you shook yourself out of your thoughts, remembering now that although Sean was now gone, there was someone who still had to be saved, “Jack’s gone.”

“What?!” He grew stiff.

“We don't know where he went, he's just gone. We-well, Hosea thinks it was the Braithwaite family who took him,” you explained, wiping the tears from your cheek, “We were tryin’ to calm Abigail while y’all were gone but-“

“We gotta, fuck, we gotta do something,” he looked completely dishevelled as he began standing up, “Have to talk to Dutch.”

He pulled you up and toward Dutch's tent, where Abigail and John were already speaking, their voices frantic, Abigail nearly yelling at the men.

The pair of you rushed up as Dutch attempted to comfort Abigail, "Calm down. Everybody just relax, we're doing all we can."

"Arthur, Jane," Dutch laid eyes on you both, "Have you seen that boy, Jack?"

"No, I-" Arthur began but was cut off by Abigail.

"Where's my god damn son?!" Abigail shrieked, "Where is he? Where's my son...they took him, didn't they, they took my son?"

"Who took him?" Arthur asked, running a hand through his hair.

"We think the Braithwaite woman took him," Hosea ran up, out of breath, "Kieran saw a couple o' fellas, sounded like Braithwaite boys."

"Where is my son," Abigail began crumpling again, "If anything-oh, where is my son, Dutch Van Der Linde?!"

"We will find him, we will bring him back to you," Dutch said evenly, "And we will kill any fool who had the temerity to touch one hair on that boy's head! Abigail," He took Abigail's hands in his own, "You have my word."

"Just get me back my son." She pleaded, looking to you all with glassy eyes.

"I will get that boy back, so help me god. Right now." Dutch stormed off.

Arthur looked at you and nodded. You ran to your tent and grabbed your bolt action rifle, slinging it over your shoulder as you ran to catch up with Dutch and the others.

Bill approached your posse with Charles and Lenny in tow, "Dutch, we just heard about Jack; you need some extra guns?"

"Hell, why not," Dutch exclaimed, "Micah! Kieran! Anyone strange turns up, you kill 'em! Rest of you, let's ride!"

You mounted up and rode off quickly in formation, hanging towards the rear with Arthur and Charles. Maybe you should have stayed behind to help protect the rest of the gang, but Sadie, Micah, and Kieran were there; they’d be fine. The way you saw it, the Braithwaites and Grays had made it personal by taking Jack and killing Sean. There was no room for discussion anymore.

"Okay, let's go get that boy back!" Dutch yelled from the front of the pack.

"They must've figured out what we was up to, Dutch," Hosea said, his voice disgruntled.  

"Yeah, we just got shot to hell by the Grays in town!" Arthur added, looking over at you.

"I know, I heard," Dutch replied over his shoulder, "About Sean, too. I don't wanna even think about that right now. We have to focus on Jack."

You were fuming at the thought of these two families taking something else away from the gang. First, Sean. Now, Jack? There would be hell to pay. You hadn’t really seen Dutch in action yet, but by the way he led your posse, you could see how the others admired and listened to him. Despite Arthur's uncertainty which he confessed back in Rhodes, you could see he would ride into hell and back at Dutch's side.

"I swear," John said angrily, "I'll kill everyone there!"

"Easy John," Dutch warned, "Try to stay calm."

"I'm fine."

"How the hell did they get to him?" Hosea asked curiously.

"I don't know," Dutch replied, "But we are getting him back, and they will pay. I promise you that."

"What about the gold?" Bill piped up.

John looked at him with scathing eyes, "Who cares about the gold?! They got Jack!!"

"I hate to break it to ya," Hosea began, "But I don't think there is any gold. Or if there is, it's hidden somewhere no one knows."

"What?!” John asked shrilly.

"I've turned every stone..."

"For Chris's sake, Hosea! After all that? Another perfect scam."

"We underestimated them."

"No," Dutch interjected, "They underestimated us...enough talk. There's no point arguin' how we got here. This is where we are, and we are goin' to fix it. So come on!"

You were getting close to the Braithwaite property. You had never been to the area specifically, but you could feel the tension building in the air. Something was about to happen.

"Okay, get your heads right! Nobody makes a move until I say so!" Dutch commanded as you saw the mansion ahead. The road approaching was straight and long, with large trees hanging over the path dramatically leading to the huge house, its windows alight with candles.

"Alright, everyone, dismount and come to me. We'll go in on foot from here." Dutch commanded, pulling his horse to a halt.

The group of you got off your horses and hid them off to the side. You stayed close to Arthur as you walked up the path beside the men, your heart beating quickly. As awful as the circumstances were, it felt incredible to be part of something. To fight for something, alongside people who had become your friends, your family.

"First Sean, now Jack. We should have stayed out of all o' this." Lenny said, cocking his shotgun and shaking his head sadly.

"Bit late for that, ain't it?" Bill remarked, checking the bullets in his revolver as he walked.

"Quiet," Dutch said, "We are goin' to fix this right now. Come on, let's get this done."

You approached the front gates before your pace slowed. You saw Dutch lean over to John, "John, you sure you're okay?"

"Like I said, I'm fine," John replied shortly. His voice said otherwise. You stood next to him, putting your hand on his shoulder and gave him a tight smile.

"Follow my lead. Both these redneck families think they can ruin us? I don't think so." Dutch murmured.

"There they are," Hosea pointed out. You looked ahead and saw a couple of guards outside the mansion.

"Who steals a god damn boy," Dutch fumed.

"I'm gonna let fly at those sons o' bitches," John said, his voice murderous.

"John, I need you to stay calm," Dutch looked at him out of the corner of his eye as you walked, closer and closer.

You were nearly ten feet from the main courtyard when Dutch bellowed, "Get down here now! You inbred trash!” Calm indeed.

One of the Braithwaite boys took one look at your gang and guffawed, "What the hell do you want?"

"We've come for the boy," Dutch snapped, "You must've known we would."

"Shouldn't have messed with our business, now, should you?" He sneered.

"Whatever complaint you have with us, alleged, or otherwise, that is a young boy. That is not the way you do things. Hand him over!"  

"Get the hell off our land!"

Dutch paused, looking at your posse around him and inhaled deeply before speaking again, "If you ain't goin' to be civilized about this..." Without warning, Dutch fired his revolver into the man's chest multiple times.

You startled and began firing at the other Braithwaite boys who had begun exiting in droves from the front door of the mansion. Arthur and the rest of the gang started doing the same, and the battle ensued. You slid to the side and took cover behind the wall of the main entry gate, peeking out and firing at the men like they were target practice. Every now and then, you glanced over at Arthur who shot effortlessly with his double-barreled shotgun at the Braithwaite boys. You could see his focus and the precision with which he aimed, fired, and landed his target.

Within minutes, they were dead and you all emerged from cover, your handiwork dead before you on the ground. Dutch stepped forward and turned to the group.

"Arthur, John, Hosea, with me! The rest of you, watch out here for any other arrivals."  Dutch ordered. Arthur looked over and gave you a quick nod before walking off with Dutch, John, and Hosea into the mansion.

You moved to take cover behind a nearby column with Charles as you prepared for the onslaught of enemy backup. There were a number of gunshots and yelling happening in the house behind you and you looked back, fearing for Arthur.

"Hey," Charles said, nudging you, "He'll be fine. Focus on you. Don't get distracted."

"Okay," You said breathlessly, "Let's do this."

You waited in position as you saw multiple riders approaching. Taking a deep breath, you aimed your rifle one of the oncoming Braithwaites and exhaled as you pulled the trigger, knocking the man off his horse and dead into the dirt.

"Good shot." Charles praised as he did the same.

"You too," You replied, nodding in thanks to him.

For now, it looked like the majority of hostiles were approaching from the east side of the mansion.

"Need some help over here!" Lenny called out in confirmation.

"You want to go? I can stay here and make sure nobody else rides up from this way."  Charles offered, his eyes on the stretch of road leading to the mansion.

"Sure," You replied, "Thanks. Eyes up."

Charles nodded at you before you took off in a sprint towards Bill and Lenny's position. You slid behind a nearby wagon to take cover as the approaching Braithwaites shot in your direction.

"Good to see you," Lenny exclaimed at your arrival, pumping his shotgun, "Hope the guys are almost done up there."

"I guess we'll see," You looked over, "I just hope Jack is even here."

You heard more commotion from the mansion and looked over your shoulder to see Arthur and John on the balcony, working to break down a door into an upstairs room. Eventually, they had made it inside, and you heard more gunshots, the scream of a woman, yelling back and forth, and one more gunshot.

Shifting your focus back to the rush of enemies, you took deep breaths as you aimed your rifle at the next target, taking him down in one shot.

“Looks like we got a sharpshooter here,” Lenny called out. You smirked as you fired another one off.

You didn’t enjoy killing but here, at this moment, in the aftermath of Sean’s death and Jack’s kidnapping, all you wanted to do was destroy.

After a couple more minutes of defending the position, you heard Dutch, John, and Arthur making their way back into the front courtyard. You looked over your shoulder and saw that the house had been set ablaze. Dutch was dragging an older woman by the nape of her neck through the dirt as she watched her house go up in flames.

You all made your way back to the front gates and surrounded the woman, who lay cursing and crying on the ground.

“I never liked you,” She spat, glaring up at Dutch and Hosea.

“Why’d you take the boy, Mrs. Braithwaite?” Hosea demanded.

“You…stole my liquor, you stole my horses!” She cried.

“Boys are off-limits-“ Hosea interjected, but she continued her accusations.

“Ain’t no rules in war, Mr…”

“Matthews,” Hosea responded shortly, “Where’s the boy?”

“My sons gave him to Angelo Bronte,” Her southern drawl grew more aggressive as she continued, “So my guess is Saint Denis. Either there...or on the boat to Italy!”

“Let’s go!” Hosea cried, turning on his heel.

“Arthur, come on!” Dutch bellowed.

Arthur looked at you and then turned to follow Dutch, “What’re we doin’ with her?”

“Leave her.”

“I told you she was crazy!” Hosea scoffed.

As your posse made your exit, you looked back over your shoulder one last time and saw Mrs. Braithwaite stumbling back toward the burning mansion and disappear into the flames.

[existentialburden]

11 13 16 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 29 30

11. How do you come up with your fic titles?

ngl it just sort of... happens? I’ll be writing and then I’ll go “oh FUCK I need a title” and 9 times outta 10 it ends up a joke. placeholder names tend to be whatever characters are involved or whatever ik will remind me of the fic, if it even gets a placeholder name. “Duktra”. “Enslog’ph”. “Fern bby are you okay”. “Aila come out of the closet you grimdark bastard”. all placeholders the moment they move to their own document. “Give Enny A Decent Dad 2019″ is not a placeholder. the only difference is I took the time to capitalize shit.

13. Do you outline your fics? How much of a headache would someone get if they just looked at an outline of yours without reading the fic?

sometimes yes sometimes no! mostly no. the Enslog’ph outline is. okay it doesn’t even focus on what the fic’s focusing on now but it’s at least coherent, even if it goes into two branching paths. another Enny fic I have going has a two-sentence outline that is. technically correct. nothing headache-inducing but very Vague and Frustrating to look at.

16. Do you research for your fics? If so, how deep of a rabbit hole have you gone down by accident when researching?

depends on if looking for my own character lore is research! if not, nothing really takes that much research. if yes... every time I go to find character lore I end up reading through hours’ worth of rps just to find How West Types or Enzo’s Height Compared To Ryze’s or.... yeah. I did that today. it was nice and also a fucking ride bcause I ended up reading the ENTIRETY of the rp channel for an au and then an hour of dms.

18. Do you have a WIP that you keep telling yourself you’ll eventually get back to, but deep down you know that’s probably a lie?

anything on my OG writing document. like... look. we all know I’m not finishing any of those Aila fics. I’m not gonna wrap em up concisely. I’m probably not gonna finish that superhero au fic where Nuad gets to see just how much Enny’s affected by her false memories. the impulse Wynn and Aila monster au fic is not getting finished. except. wait. fuck. now I want to work on that. GOD DAMN IT.

19. Do you edit your fics after you write them, or do you prefer to just hit post and run (because it’s someone else’s problem now)?

depends who I’m sharing them with! I don’t edit them before showing people in dms. I do edit them before putting them on here or ao3. the editing process is... minimal. I will say that. Ro helps though!

20. What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

just getting that rush of an idea that I spit out most of in an afternoon, or not being able to go to sleep so I shrug and just let the midnight creativity carry me through another fic! the initial inspiration for an idea mostly. and also reading it back, sometimes.

21. What’s your least favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

when I inevitably get stuck and have to actually FIGURE OUT WHERE I WANT IT TO GO.... also trying to wrap it up into a neat conclusion. fuck that. this is a scene lifted from daily life out of a series of moments that never stop how tf am I supposed to give it an ENDING??? it leans into the rest. time doesn’t stop on  the hour every hour it flows into it! bluhhhh.

22. Do you take fic requests? If so, for what characters and why?

I used to do oneshot requests but uhhhh my motivation is inconsistent and it felt like promising something I couldn’t deliver ig? I’d take them again if anyone wanted specific fic about my ocs though! I just. I’m not invested enough in any canon stuff to write things people would request for. the stuff I AM invested in doesn’t have a huge following and I’m too close to it to feel anything but insecure about writing it! like... yeah I could feel comfortable writing some wild Homestuck shit if I were still invested in it. because Homestuck exists in the view of the masses and has for a while and there’s so many takes on the characters. but I don’t feel comfortable writing, say, Watt, because Netnavi RP is so much smaller and if I write stuff I’d be like... the ONLY PERSON. there are so few takes on character voices there. the large community versus small community terrifies me bcause if you write your take on a character in an ocean it’s like yep that’s just another stranger. if you write your take on a character in a kiddie pool everyone can see you doing it and there’s nothing to compare it to either way. the moment someone else writes something it will be immediately judged against yours. it just. terrifies me y’know?

tl;dr I would totally take fic requests if y’all wanted to request more of my OC bullshit and I’d write stuff for like... Animal Crossing. hand me those obscure villager favs like Hornsby or Antonio or Eloise. I’ll write about the Koopalings. shit I’d go back to Homestuck hell if you offered me a dollar (the others are free). fuck dude if you want my take on your OCs and give me an OC tag to scroll through I’ll do my best if you promise not to make fun of me for any misinterpretations.

23. What’s your absolute favorite trope to write?

hurt/comfort. or just comfort. I love me some cuddles and affirmations and overwhelming trust and care babey!

24. What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write?

I hate miscommunication bcause I get HEAVY second-hand embarrassment and I’m prone to mishearing or misunderstanding things myself so it just... hurts to read. I’ll write it but hhhhhhhh y’feel?

25. Do you listen to music as you write? If possible, link your writing playlist.

sometimes! I used to do it more often. I don’t have a specific playlist but I did use this one for a long while, and you can get to my other ones from it! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2WdXLJmV6zOPRPx9lNRR1d?si=krNNeOWgTS666LJ8G_PoaQ

26. What’s your biggest distraction when writing?

messages or having to look for character lore. it just makes me wanna read old rps....

29. Have you ever written for an exchange or event of some kind? Which one(s)? Did you enjoy it?

nope! the thought is terrifying! I used to trade fic for Noodle’s writing but he stopped trading me back (I think he ran out of relevant fics he was comfy sharing. thas cool I just love feedback :3).

30. Post a snippet from your current WIP without context - no more than 300 words.

okay gonna mix it up and not have it be GodqWest or Enslog’ph this time uhhhh take this. lore-wise “Aila” is correct but it’s about Enny, trust me. superhero au gang rise up--

"Is there a problem?" The voice is muffled, but not muffled enough. Yüur. 

Aila shakes her head silently, not daring to open her eyes. She can feel herself tense up, her shoulders raising and her head ducking down to hide herself, knowing that everyone must be looking at her now.

"Aila's having an episode," a voice mumbles, and she freezes. Shut up. Shut up.

Everything's quiet for a few moments, and she holds her breath to keep it that way. Her heartbeat pulses through her ears, suddenly so obvious that she can't bear the sensation of it. It beats, beats again, and her head dips lower, ears touching her shoulder blades, pushing against her hair uncomfortably. Ticklish and trapped and disgustingly there. It's a lot, it's too much, she's going to scream--

There's a low hum from just behind her, and she gasps in a new breath of air.

[kakkoweeb]

tagged by @atsumus thank you i see this is about writing and i love you for that

i,, don’t know who to tag WRITER FRIENDS ASSEMBLE okay maybe @karasunovolleygays hello i am interested to see you do this, if you haven’t yet

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

i formulated it for tumblr and and decided to use it for ao3 to retain my branding. it’s basically just, cool weeb idk it’s not even true but i’m owning it

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos)

that would be the multi-chapter i guess. though i do want to maybe someday do actual math like. compare the kudos/comment ratio with the hits and then calculate which ACTUALLY performed the best based on that.

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

oh it’s that one art i did of oikawa saying “4 YEARS WE’VE KNOWN EACH OTHER AND YOU DON’T WANNA SEE ME JUMP OUTTA DA CAKE” except i put a comic sans ‘excuse u’. not sure why i used it either; it makes me look sassy whenever i reply to comments but it got me a mutual (lolol hi vio) and people comment about it when they see it so No Ragrets

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

yES. the oikage ao3 community is so kind to me tbh ever since i posted my first fics. of course i love every single commenter i get (with one exception, maybe.) and i appreciate the diversity when i post non-oikage fics too. (those are basically my ao3 categories. oikage and misc JDFKSJD)

5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

i reread my own fics from time to time for no reason and the ones that i come back to the most are from the p+c series i did for oikage week. i’m sort of proud of them? but i feel like they didn’t get as much feedback as i would’ve liked so i appreciate them in my own time. #2 and #5 in particular.

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

i’m a picky person, so i only have 25 bookmarks, 8 work subscriptions, and 3 user subscriptions. the bookmarks and subscriptions may overlap

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

i am a private au royalty, and i have so many idek which to start, which i’m actually going to write, etc. i’m a sucker for complex and adventure aus, as well as the heart-wrenching ones

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

uhhh user subscriptions are 25, subscriptions are 86, and bookmarks are 331. doesn’t seem like a lot haha how dare you ask me this,

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

basically everything that i write yet don’t post. mostly because they involve my ocs. don’t get me wrong; i’m good at making ocs now i don’t mary sue or anything and they’re all really cool and story-relevant but people just don’t want/need to see that kind of thing, you know?

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

setting description, dialogue-heavy pieces, condensing a work to involve less words, romance in general u gh how an anti-romance as a genre person ended up here is a mystery to me, and just. writing in general. as far as i see, i still suck

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

rarepairs. i don’t think i’ve ever glorified a popular ship before. if ever i do write for them it’s just because it was requested or something.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

21

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

uhhhh last i counted i had like 30+ non-drabble/short WIPs but that was last year. a lot has happened since then adfjsdkf

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

my head can’t remember what day it is, so i write em down. 

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

nope (i want to tho)

16. How did you discover AO3?

tumblr, i would think, back when i was still fixated on dmmd.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

HAHAHAHA no

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

nope lmfao but i could. because i am kakkoweeb from now on y’all are The Weeb Shits djdkf im joking of course. does anyone other than youtubers even do that?

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

when i was eight years old, i think that would be anne mazer. right now, i’m inspired by my favourite fic authors bECAUSE THEY’RE ALL SO GOOD i’d name drop/tag but i’m embarrassed haha,, basically take a good look at my bookmarks you’ll know who they are

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

everyone has to start somewhere, and i think a pretty good start before the actual writing is reading. reading is where the whole thing begins, and from it you can get ideas and styles and words, and develop your way of thinking. as for actual writing: it’s important not to pressure yourself to be really really good and that you find ways to have fun with it. write for your own reasons. look to improvement, but not to the point that it’s all you care about. it’s normal to get stuck, it’s normal to go slow. but if you really love it, don’t quit. keep writing and you’ll never go wrong. oh, and editing is your friend.

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

definitely plot out. it’s going to be impossible for me to remember everything on the fly, and ideas pop out at random times in the day and i can’t discard them, so each story has a plan. the level of detail depends on the complexity and my own creative ability at any given moment. sometimes tho i get ideas midway through speed-typing and just go with them.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

no, not really bad. some kind of off-topic, yes, but not bad. i just don’t reply.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

romantic things in general. the emotions and sensations that come with touch and affection, because i don’t write those based on experience.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

…a lot. just. a lot.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

bruh yeah. i even have projects that have spinoffs/sequels where i want to write the sequels before the actual project 

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

ideally, that would be to write and then feel satisfied with what i’ve written, in terms of the degree of accomplishment (did i just finish a subsection or a chapter? get past a part where i was stuck?) and the quality. most days, it’s too high a goal.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

infinitely, yes. it’d be a little embarrassing if i didn’t improve since childhood

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

i,, i don’t know, i like and hate them all to some degree lmfao

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

:)))) i don’t want to talk about it. if you read my writing journal though, you might be able to tell what it is.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

hopefully finished with a couple of things, still writing, and maybe with some writer friends? I HOPE AND CREI

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

…finding a word processor. LMAO idk each aspect has its own easy and hard moments depending on the type of project you’re working on. getting excited about an idea, maybe? that’s easy

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

writing

33. Why do you write?

because i have been for years and don’t know how to do anything else, and because i want to be the content i want to see in the world. also because i have like 34838 worlds in my head and need a medium for all of them 

[talesfromacrip]

this is, something:

tw// bdd, ableism,, ?? (some other tags,but I’m not quite sure atm)

this is a bit difficult for me to explain bc I tend to jump around sometimes. I’ll do my best for the most part

-

essentially I don’t like my body much, i feel like i wanna die bc of it some days and this bitch I drew (my oc) made it worse/was a way to cope with some of these issues. sure, I have moments where I do enjoy ‘certain parts’ of myself and all,but I just, don’t as one should. growing up till now present day, I was/am ridiculed for being fat and or disabled, sometimes both. which wasn’t/isn’t my fault. I thought it was though and I still do a bit. 

It’s not fun to look at yourself in the mirror.. I don’t know who I am sometimes when I see myself. I don’t recognize the person I see even though apparently it’s just, me. I can’t think of positives much and when I do, it’s just flooded by awful thoughts afterwards whispering in my ears. I try though? Emphasis on try that is. I’m not what people say I am ‘pretty’ ‘beautiful’ ‘cute’.. I don’t see that. I feel like it’s just a lie to make me feel better, but who knows.. 

I try not to dwell on it so much,but it comes up. constantly it seems.when I see pictures of people doing various activities. silly standards, comments from people I know, just omg. people in general I guess being/doing normal stuff.

I end up feeling worthless,low..other awful emotions overall about myself. I try not too, but people think it’s so fucking easy. trying as I said, but it’s hard sometimes. sigh

I try not to speak on it much bc it makes me disassociate and leaves me feeling very uncomfortable with myself in the process.  sometimes I do,but it’s vague.i play it off like it’s nothing when in fact it is ya know. it’s bothering me and effecting my life almost daily or daily, shit. 

—

I’ve received comments over time, from not only my parents, but people who were friends, family members,etc. that have flooded my brain and clouded my vision on my body image and disability..

comments like, I’m a bit too,lumpy in places like my thighs and arms

that I’m too pale. too bony in certain places that can’t be helped

that I don’t have a small and proper waist. (isn’t acceptable bc of stretch marks)

that someone my age shouldn’t be like this or look which thx ya know??

that I don’t have big enough breasts or any, for someone my age

that I have unacceptable hands to hold/grab things and feet to walk on 

that I don’t have a ‘normal looking face’ bc I’m a ‘big girl’ they say

just, ridiculous.. and it goes on believe it or not. I can, but that was enough for now. you think these wouldn’t stay with me though?that I would just, forget them so easily? 

I couldn’t even say anything back when some of these events occurred bc I’d get in trouble or probably made fun of more after.  so I tolerated it and kept my mouth shut. wish I didn’t

I’d just brush it off with a joke bc I’m that ‘funny, inspirational crip that’s not supposed to feel so down and just be happy’ and all that stupid ass crap they tell disabled folks. I felt awful about myself overtime when I shouldn’t have. no one should feel ashamed of their body or disability,, but I was. I am

I embraced ‘some’ parts of me as time went on from new faces I’ve met along the way. helping me cope with some issues. those thoughts are still lingering  though and it’s not fun to let them know it’s there. much less again that is ,ughh

over time I was down soon after bc old memories, self loathing. "the works" would just resurface and remind me that I’m not worthy, it’s all lies, impossible, etc. know I’m trying though ? Bit hard to filter

—

by trying to escape these thoughts though, I made this oc with the power of my hand and imagination to ‘help’ me ‘deal’

an image of me that i wanted to be, but obviously can’t

an image that others wanted me to be bc I didn’t/don’t fit into their standards and whatnot

an oc who could do anything and be bold in the process essentially

didn’t help that I knew ableists during the creation period who made me think that would be a possible’goal’ overtime. that I could be like that, look and even act if I tried hard enough. all that typical abled crap to make you feel better about something that’s just, not possible when presented with the truth.

some parts maybe, like losing weight or whatnot, but shit like my legs and all.. mmm,no. 

I believed it in the end thiugh bc I ‘cared’ about their words. pathetic

I wanted to escape.

not get drawn into it  by actually trying to somewhat be like that. impossible. 

some wouldn’t understand this I feel bc of how, odd I am and other stupid shit..it almost ruined and ended my life in the process though. 

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when I drew those pieces for story art purposes, which I stopped completely. I felt lost, self conscious, disgusted.. I was in my absolute lowest points as well which didn’t help much. you think it would make me happy though and it did to an extent,but was all a facade. I didn’t know how to approach the subject bc it’s so, odd:l eughh

seeing something I created doing activities I cannot made me feel, disgusted and alien in a sense about myself overtime. so I stopped working on them and did other projects instead to ease myself which still bothered me to some extent.made excuses and all as I did 

I finished what I could though. to not only make room for others pieces,but also be a reminder that I’m no longer in that state much and with those people. I’m still troubled by the thoughts that came from them, but I must deal with it as best I can I guess

trying is all you can do

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I’m sorry if y’all have ever complemented me and I was very, myehhh about it or anything of the sort to some extent . I don’t think I’m ‘pretty’ or ‘beautifulllll’ and all as some think of themselves or told me. I explained why and hopefully you understand

I’m, ok I guess??i try to tell myself some positives as I said,but I just feel guilty in the end.

I try not to be as, rude towards those comments or brush em off. if I am, I’m sorry. just, not used to them as much especially coming from genuine people and not fakes. hopefully I can get over this? 

sorry if you liked my oc as well and all, but some just ruined it for me. I’ll be making another soon anyway that’s more true to myself 

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I already feel awkward and overwhelmed for talkin about this

there’s a bit more here and there,but I thought it was just unnecessary and ‘dark’ but hopefully this describes to an extent I guess??idk. Can always ask

I’m sorry if you’ve noticed or have not at all though.

I get extremely nervous about some personal matters,,but know I’m at least trying to get over em/deal with it anyway I can

that’s all I have. thx for listening?

(( this is in regards to a post I made on my nsfw twitter regarding some oc/sona art I did. just ask for link and all if you’d like to see ))