#Seblangst | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dareinchris · 12 years ago

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"Doll House", PG-13, Seblangst, Seblaine, language, character death (by suicide), sadness, murder, slightly dark

Title: Doll House

Rated: +13 – character death, suicide, sadness, murder, slightly dark, language

Summary: Blaine is trying to cope with his recently deceased Father and a Sebastian that is smothering him with love and has a mission to hurt anyone that dares to hurt Blaine. Sebastian’s over exaggeration of Blaine’s pain leads to horrendous consequences for them. Seblangst. Seblaine.

Genre: Romance/Tragedy

AU to 4x07, “Dynamic Duets” and of course, 4x08, “Thanksgiving.”

Warnings for character death by suicide, language, sadness, murder. Slightly dark. this pretty much looks at most of the thing through Blaine's eyes, so you don't really see much of Sebastian's understanding or pain. it's to make you understand how Blaine sees Sebastian actually developing from beginning to end and what he realise, etc so it seems like Sebastian seems to jump from one mindset to another without any question but you have to understand that that's what it seems like to Blaine.

He never thought that putting flowers on graves was so morbid until now. It was days after the funeral that he came back just to put flowers again. He’d done it every day for the past six days. It was abnormally cold and the ice was frozen on his skin. He felt like all forms of elasticity did not exist when he was this cold, as if his skin was a static sheet and he won’t be able to move for fear of becoming a Popsicle. He wondered how those little things didn’t really matter when he had an agenda. Things like freezing to death, sleeping and eating. All of those things were senseless when he had an agenda.

His Father had always made fun of flowers. His most hated flower was lilies. How ironic would it be that Blaine was gripping tightly around a bouquet of lilies bursting from the lavender-y ribbon? How very ironic. They were not flowers of mourning to Blaine, but they held memory, a special memory. He leaned downwards to place the bouquet, slowly allowing his finger to trace the satin lavender ribbon. He looked down at the grave, his mind reading over the inscriptions over and over again. His mind could not process any of the words written on that hard marble, as if nothing in that truly mattered, as if everything was artificial and nothing was concrete and real. His mind simply could not process the simplest of things. The only thought he’d been trying to process for days now was: my Father is dead.

He looked down, waiting to cry, wishing that he could, but he could not shed a tear. He felt hollow, unreal, because he could not cry. He was too shocked to cry, too shocked to realise. His mind wasn’t wrapping around the fact that the last time he’d have seen his Father, he’d had barely glanced at him. His Father that only reminded him of how useless he was, how futile everything he’d done was, how he was nothing at all. His Father had only managed to remind him of how stupid he was, of how unsuccessful he was, but he did not deny him the right to live. He denied him healthcare for when he was sick, or when he’d shattered one of his bones. Right now, that didn’t seem to matter, the thoughts of what his Father didn’t do didn’t seem to mind Blaine anymore, just the thoughts of what he had done. The man had still paid for his education – his Dalton education – albeit it was because Dalton was the only school that had dorms. Blaine was actually banned from going back home for the longest of time. His Father seemed to threaten him but all in all, there were only very few times that his Father did lay a hand on him, one of those times was when he’d had gone home for Christmas and he was slapped. His Father apologised, but Blaine would never forget that he wasn’t welcome back home.

He’d rather go home to be beat than not go home at all. He had memories like other children, he’d recall. He’d had parents that cared, but at some point, they had ceased to care. His Father liked to tell him that he was horrible, that he was disgusting, that he was rotten and then Blaine was stupid enough to come out and the merciless taunting was just like him reliving that hell hole at Sadie Hawkins. Blaine had never ever cared about what happened at Sadie Hawkins. In his mind, Sadie Hawkins was just a reference, a euphemism he used for the recurrent emotional abuse and child neglect he suffered at the hands of his parents. His parents that refused to let Blaine see a Doctor for any sort of ailment that he might come across. The thought meant nothing to Blaine. To Blaine, it wasn’t like he had been dying.

Now, his Father was six feet under and the only thing that mattered was not the incessant sadness that his parents made him feel, or the neglect, or feeling like he had never really mattered to anything, it were those small memories of his Father buying him brownie that one time in Christmas Eve. It was the small memories of curling up to his Mother, having her run her fingers through his hair. It were those rare times that his Mother would hug him, his Father would tell him that he loved him and those seconds were the skies seemed a little more blue that Blaine would remember the best. Everything else just didn’t matter.

Blaine stared back at the grave for what felt like the longest time, the headstone, the words…it had been nearing night. By the time they would go back home, it would be dark. Blaine had glanced at his lover, Sebastian Smythe, whom had been standing there with him. Blaine was now living with Sebastian – in Sebastian’s nearly always empty house, just them. It was a vast house, and even with Sebastian being there all the time, all Blaine had felt was a perpetual sense of loneliness that never truly left. It was only after his Father’s death that Blaine’s case even was mentioned to court, and a mass of social workers had landed Blaine into a foster care system. Jean was quick to adopt Sebastian – mostly because Sebastian had asked for Blaine and his Father would do anything for Sebastian. All Sebastian ever wanted in his life was Blaine right now, but Blaine, Blaine, Blaine, paying attention to the Father had never paid attention to him.

“You done, babe?” Sebastian called out from where he stood, his face completely stoic.

Blaine’s hands were shaking after he’d placed the lilies. He was unaware of it, but Sebastian was. Blaine’s eyes were still glued to the grave, searching for something aimlessly. He did not know what he was searching for but whatever it was, he hoped that he would find it. Joseph Blake Anderson – his death was marked off as a ruthless murder by a hand of one of his co-workers, but they both knew what had happened. Blaine knew what he’d done. Blaine’s stomach twisted uncomfortably, and he’d felt Sebastian’s hands gracefully wrapping around his hips.

“You know what?” Sebastian’s voice seemed to echo in Blaine’s hollow mind.

“What?” Blaine’s voice was very quiet, nearly a whisper, as if what he was looking for was a voice, an opinion of some sort.

“You gotta remember I love you,” Sebastian murmured and Blaine knew what that meant. Did your Father ever love you, Blaine? Blaine slowly looked up to look into the vast green that was Sebastian’s eyes as Sebastian added on. “Fuck it, Bee. I love you.” He repeated it more sincerely this time.

The first time Sebastian Smythe had ever said I love you was when they were both standing near Blaine’s Father’s grave. It was something that Sebastian would never forget and something that Blaine wished he would.

“I know,” Blaine vacantly responded. His voice was empty. He was empty. “Why did he have to die?”

Blaine knew that if he got Sebastian talking about why, he’d never stop, especially after believing that what his Father had been doing to him had been exceptionally unacceptable. Sebastian would list reasons, reasons that Blaine didn’t want to hear – things that Sebastian knew that regardless of what Blaine wanted to hear, he needed to hear it. Sebastian’s lips twitched, as he debated on what to talk about, so he decided that nothing at all was the best approach to this shattered state of Blaine. Sebastian had placed a finger on Blaine’s lips. “Babe, let’s not talk about stuff like this,” was Sebastian’s quick response.

Blaine slowly nodded his head. He’d shut his eyes as Sebastian leaned down to kiss him again. “Why?” he repeated asking, as if he hadn’t heard Sebastian the first time.

Sebastian finally exploded. “He was a fucking abusive bastard, Bee. You don’t get it. People like him deserve to fucking die. I don’t care if people like him rot in their graves. Child neglect and emotional abuse is still fucking child abuse and he wasn’t taking care of you right too. Not taking you to the hospital and shit. You were so fucking sick when I found you, Bee. You could’ve died. I’d rather your fucking Father than you. I’m glad he’s finally dead and…”

Blaine looked away from Sebastian, staring at the grave again, and maintained eye level with it almost as if his Father was going to be resurrected. Blaine’s face was completely expressionless and emotionless. Then, after a while, he just finally said,

“Okay. Can’t help but mention his faults, huh?” Blaine tried to laugh. He always did this stupid thing. Whenever he was upset, he just made this horrible, not-so-funny joke.

Sebastian smiled weakly but the joke wasn’t anywhere near funny. “Let’s get out of here, Bee.”

Sebastian Smythe had his arms wrapped around Blaine Anderson’s hips, bringing him closer just to see if Blaine would respond to him. Sebastian laid on his bed, and Blaine lay on top, head pressed against Sebastian’s chest. It was cold, mostly because Sebastian liked keeping his AC abnormally low – much to Blaine’s incessant reminder that he did not enjoy freezing to death when he was sleeping. There were three or four multitudes of blankets sprawled against them. The thick layers making them realise how warm they were in contrast to the cold air around them. Sebastian had been staring at Blaine for the longest of time, seeing the boy’s features in the faint glimmer of the light from the very dull lamp they had. Sebastian had been running his hand against Blaine’s hipbone for nearing an hour. He’d had memorised how it felt like before – and it just felt wrong. It was like Sebastian can feel every quarter of a pound Blaine had lost.

“You gotta sleep, Bee.” Sebastian reminded him. “Gotta.”

Blaine seemed to shift slightly in Sebastian’s arms. A peak of his sweater allowed contact between Blaine’s stomach and Sebastian’s arm. Blaine’s eyes can be described by two words at this current moment; wide open, and Blaine was wide awake despite it being one-forty-one on that alarm clock on a school night. “I would be asleep if someone didn’t try to freeze all of my limbs off.”

Sebastian knew that wasn’t the excuse for why Blaine was still awake. He was still thinking about that bastard. Sebastian would be lying if he hadn’t said that he’d felt abnormally guilty for everything that had happened to his Blaine. Sebastian had no choice but to shut the air conditioner anyway. In about sixteen minutes, the room was abnormally hot but Blaine remained awake.

“Blaine,” Sebastian growled almost as if threatening him if he didn’t fall asleep sometime soon.

“I still feel cold. It takes time for people to feel warm again,” Blaine retorted again, his head pressed against Sebastian as tightly. Blaine’s arms were wrapped around Sebastian’s waist and when by incident, Sebastian’s skin met with Blaine, he felt an electrical fire run down his spine from how horrifically cold Blaine actually was. Sebastian laid in silence for a while, staring at Blaine’s face for the longest of time.

“You know why you’re so cold, Blaine?” Sebastian began, his eyes still on Blaine’s face. “It’s because you don’t fucking eat. You barely have any fucking fat on your body as it is.”

Blaine snorted, and shook his head. His eyes flickered into a darker colour that was almost dark brown. “I’m sure I have enough insulation, Sebastian. A lot more than you do,” his lips twitched into a soft smile that was so Blaine it made Sebastian’s heart beat five times faster.

“Yeah, look at all of that insulation,” Sebastian sarcastically said, running his hands down Blaine’s sides and feeling nothing but flimsy, thin skin.

“I’ve always been thin,” he explained in defence. One-fifty-nine pounds at his most, never quite leaving at one-fifties, and far too thin for Sebastian’s own liking right now.

“Thinness is not a proper synonym to emaciation,” Sebastian’s hands were roaming around Blaine’s stomach just to feel it again.

“Sebastian, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I am nowhere near emaciation because I’ve lost a few pounds,” Blaine said, looking a little annoyed and frustrated with Sebastian’s comments on his body.

Sebastian was silent for a while. “Sleep.” Sebastian commended, as his eyes hardened. “You gotta sleep, Bee. Gotta.”

Blaine sighed in frustration. “You need a therapist.”

“Excuse me? I need the therapist?” Sebastian raised an eyebrow with a slightly playful tone to his voice. “Babe, I’m as flawless as a diamond. If anything, a therapist needs a little Smythe love to actually stay sane.”

“You need to be a little crazy to want to work with crazy people all day,” Blaine said, playing with Sebastian’s button. Sebastian gave him that look that Blaine shook his head. “No, no, no sex because I’ve gotta sleep, Bas. Gotta.”

“Don’t make fun of me, you little midget.”

“Don’t call me a little midget – I am mourning a death here and you’re being mean to me,” Blaine called out in the least ‘I am mourning my abusive Father’s voice’ but Sebastian knew that those eyes told him a different story. Sebastian just brought Blaine closer to him, making him curl into him by his shoulder. Blaine had fallen asleep with Sebastian’s hand in that messy mop of curls. Sebastian watched Blaine’s face relax, and soften, and then in that moment, they were unguarded.

That morning was supposed to be uneventful. Sebastian had stepped out of the bedside only to have a small bowl of cereal before sleeping again as he realised that skipping dinner was not always an okay thing to do, only to find himself staring at Blaine whom was sluggishly standing beside a table. All Sebastian can see was an exhausted Blaine slouching over the counter. Blaine was so unfocused that it caused Sebastian to raise his eyebrow.

“Someone had an amazing night’s sleep,” Sebastian said, wondering how long had Blaine been up.

“Well, someone snores,” Blaine pointed out. He had grabbed the boiling kettle by the handle, pouring in water in his caffeinated concoction. Blaine Anderson would rather have an arm cut off than have anyone tell him not to survive solely on caffeine. The murky coffee and its smell helped Blaine severely focus on everything right now. Blaine stared at his coffee mug as if it was the only reason he was still pumping and breathing.

“I see you’re dressed.”

Blaine looked down at his clothing as if he realised he actually did put some clothes – a cardigan, a blouse, a bowtie, and a pair of far too formal for school trousers. Blaine raised an eyebrow. And Sebastian then added on. “Why?” his eyes hardened. “You better not be thinking of stepping a fucking foot out of this house.”

“Some of us have to learn, Sebastian,” Blaine pointed out, but Sebastian wouldn’t have it. He grabbed Blaine by his shoulder and then stared at him with a far too angry shake of the head.

“No, Blaine, you don’t fucking leave this house, okay?” Sebastian threatened. He knew that Blaine was having a hard time. He knew Blaine would skip breakfast again. He knew that Blaine was boxing more often and it was overworking his muscles to point where he was losing muscle instead of gaining it. He knew all of this, and he refused to let Blaine go to school when he obviously wasn’t handling anything well. Blaine shook his head at Sebastian’s notion, bringing the cup of coffee to his lips to take a sip. Apparently, Blaine’s eyes were adamant too. He was going to leave. Sometimes, Sebastian hated how goddamned stubborn Blaine can actually be when he put his mind to something.

“They don’t fucking care about you,” Sebastian spat out as venomously as he could. “They’re just a bunch of bitches that don’t care what you’re going through. Even when you broke up with Hummel, all they cared about was their pathetic musical that wasn’t even good. You gotta go back to the Warblers, babe.”

“No,” Blaine’s eyes were as stubborn as possible and his lips were pressed tightly as he glared at Sebastian as hard as possible. “You don’t even like Kurt.”

“Does that mean that I like to see my boyfriend in pain?” Blaine looked down as his cheeks flushed. Blaine didn’t know how Sebastian and him happened – they just sort of happened about a few months after the break-up. They just did. Sebastian was there and Kurt wasn’t. Sebastian was there when Kurt didn’t answer his text messages, just ready to accept him even though Blaine couldn’t bear to accept himself because of what he’d done to hurt his boyfriend – ex-boyfriend, he had to vigorously remind himself every day. Even the name now still stung. He still hadn’t completely gotten over Kurt, but something just happened between him and Sebastian. Everything was a blur of mass flirting and coffee dates until they both realised that they trusted each other enough to actually be in a relationship. Blaine had wiped away every single bad thing about Sebastian in the span of months after the break-up, only because Sebastian had made him feel loved in ways that other people didn’t. In the back of his mind, even with Sebastian’s reputation – Blaine trusted him completely. Another part of him just wanted Sebastian to cheat on him, so he’d be hurt the way Kurt did, then maybe it would be okay. There was so much fuck-up in Blaine’s head at that time. He was so depressed. Now, his Father had died a few days ago and all Blaine can do was hurt ever since the call happened. Call – his Mother had the fucking decency to just call him about his Father’s death. Had to be a murder, a murder in cold blood. He must have pissed off some people. All Blaine wanted to do was understand how it happened.

“You know, I’d do anything to make sure that nobody in this fucking world hurts you. I do fucking everything for you, Bee. I’d even fucking kill the bastard that ever tried to hurt you,” and that made Blaine feel uneasy. “Those fucking New Direction bitches don’t give a crap about what happens to you. Dalton is your home for one and even if you were going to Dalton, I swear to God that Nick would’ve slapped you before letting you go to classes in this condition.”

Blaine chuckled, mostly because he knew it was true too.

“Come on, I’ll make you breakfast before you disappear on me.” Sebastian rolled his eyes darkly as he said this.

Blaine stared at him with a mouth wide open. “Sebastian, I weighed myself today.” He finally began, his eyes darkening. “You make it sound like I was dead. I’ve barely lost five pounds.”

Sebastian said nothing to this as he shot him a glance. “Well, those five pounds look like twenty to me.”

“Sebastian, you are being completely irrational—“

Sebastian pulled Blaine’s chin up, and whatever was in his hand – Blaine can see was a knife – clattered onto the ground, making a sound as Blaine stared into Sebastian’s adamant green eyes. Blaine’s heart was racing. He honestly feared Sebastian was going to do something but all Sebastian did was shrink back and lean downwards to pick up the knife. The stare that Sebastian given him was one of the most intense moments of Blaine’s life and in that moment, all Blaine saw was how capable Sebastian was of doing things, things that most people wouldn’t have the heart to do.

“Are you going to eat?”

A slightly still stunned Blaine finally nodded his head. “Yeah,” he swallowed. “Love your eggs.” He added on to lighten the tension that Blaine felt built up.

Sebastian smirked. “They’re my eggs so of course, they’re sexy.”

Even as Blaine ate Sebastian’s fried eggs, all he can think about was that look that Sebastian had given him and that look was purely and utterly strange; it was so intense that Blaine’s only purpose for those few moments was trying to decipher it. He was just about to leave for school but Sebastian’s piercing gaze made him give up and finally go back to bed. He thought of staying awake and sneaking out, and crafted everything perfectly but ended up falling asleep before his head even touched the pillowcase. He had woken up late afternoon only for Sebastian to make him eat again. He’d never seen Sebastian so engaged before.

All he does is order takeaway, he heard Sebastian’s Mother once say, we’re rarely home but when we are, we notice it’s all he does. He eats crap and every two or three days, a maid comes over and tidies everything up – good as new. Even before Blaine’s Father’s death, about Sebastian stumbling on the abuse, he had made his Father threaten Joseph Anderson for everything he had until he coughed up Blaine. Blaine will be taken care for, provided, loved – Blaine had been sick with a fatal infection that nobody cared about in his family. Sebastian had noticed the jaundice on Blaine’s skin and in his eyes and he’d noticed how sick he looked like as well. In a fit of concern and fury, Sebastian acted and now, Blaine lived with him and all he’d seen was Sebastian cook for him, clean for him, let him sleep in his bed, let him do whatever the fuck he wanted – if Blaine wanted it, Blaine had it.

Sebastian spoiled him. Sebastian would skip days of school just to make sure Blaine was okay, and he literally lived only for him, which made Blaine feel an abnormal amount of guilt for Sebastian’s excessive pampering of him. It also frustrated him because Sebastian over exaggerated everything – Blaine had lost only five pounds; the scale confirmed that but Sebastian had been acting solely as if Blaine was emaciated, as if Blaine was this butterfly he just got and he worked so hard to get it that he can’t let it die or break. Sebastian was obsessed, infatuated, and wanted to give everything to Blaine.

Blaine had never had someone love him that much and it was suffocating him at how much Sebastian loved him. On the other hand, it made him feel guilty, because all Sebastian did was for him. He didn’t quite understand why. Even if Blaine didn’t hate himself, he didn’t understand how someone could be so completely and utterly devoted to him. He was so afraid of hurting Sebastian as well – of cheating on him too. Most people would suspect it to be the opposite but with the complete infatuation and dedication Sebastian was showing right now, Blaine would never believe that Sebastian would cheat on him. Even if he did, Blaine would honestly forgive him after all he’d done to try and keep Blaine as sheltered and safe as possible, reminding him of how flawless and perfect he was nearly all the time. It shocked him how badly Sebastian actually wanted him. It really did. Sebastian did hide behind his strong personality and malicious quips, but he usually sweet-talked Blaine even now.

It was after that Blaine was fed yet again by Sebastian that Blaine decided to go into his (actually it was Sebastian’s) room. He had made the bed even though Sebastian would remind him that he could’ve done it himself, and he had gone off towards the bathroom to shower. Afterwards, he decided to actually put some effort into his hair today (he hadn’t gelled it in days) and this led to a horrendously large search for hair-gel until he found himself standing in front of Sebastian’s dresser, finding a black book that looked suspiciously old. It was then had Blaine realised he found Sebastian’s diary. He had read and read until he had read the last word. By then, he had dropped the notebook, was glad the door was locked as he clamped his hand over his mouth to stop him from screaming.

Blaine had stepped on his scale that morning to realise he was still stable at his weight from yesterday. He had smiled brightly to himself. “Sebastian,” he tried to get Sebastian to look at him whom was standing in front of a mirror, holding a duster and dusting the boxes that were aligned on the dresser that were made of wood. His other hand had a piece of cloth he used to wipe mirrors and other surfaces. “Sebastian,” he said again, sounding more excited this time.

Sebastian quickly turned his attention to Blaine. It shocked Blaine just how into cleaning and cooking Sebastian can get to the point where calling his name out a few times didn’t take Sebastian out of his attention from the menial task. He was thinking again and thinking was never good around Sebastian anymore. Blaine was grinning as brightly as he could. His eyes lit up with the fact that he can finally prove to Sebastian that he wasn’t as thin as once thought before. “Come here.”

Sebastian had moved towards him, standing beside the scale, but he didn’t look down. All Blaine wanted to do was for Sebastian to look down and see the number but he didn’t. “Sebastian, look at—“

“No,” Sebastian’s voice was soft but it was seriously adamant. He didn’t want to see and that was when Blaine realised how fixated Sebastian was at the idea that Blaine was in a horrific condition. He over exaggerated Blaine’s sleeping habits, Blaine’s eating habits, Blaine’s depression, Blaine’s weight – it was almost as if all Sebastian can see was nothing more than a shadow in place of Blaine.

“I’m fine,” Blaine tried one last attempt but Sebastian had pulled his chin up to look at him more closely. It was that intensity again in Sebastian’s eyes that made Blaine’s skin crawl.

“You are not fucking fine. You cheated on your ex-boyfriend and you don’t even fucking know why and it’s been months and now you’re with me? You are anything but fine, honey.”

“You think that just because I love you that I’m not fine?” Blaine quickly quipped, his voice high as Sebastian’s eyes burned even greener in the light. Shock seeped into those eyes and Blaine didn’t even know why. He’d been calm and complied with everything with Sebastian because Sebastian had done so much for him. “Sebastian, I do love you. I’ve fallen for you, but you are explicitly irrational if you think that I’m still that boy that you offered to buy coffee for because he needed the littlest good thing in his life. Sebastian, I may not be perfectly okay, especially since my Dad just died… but I don’t need you to treat me like I’m going to shatter any minute now.”

“Don’t lie to me, Blaine,” Sebastian’s voice was full of so much fury that Blaine was actually shocked. “Don’t fucking lie to me.”

Blaine’s lower lip quivered. He nearly believed Sebastian when he heard that statement. His eyes were still intense as Sebastian placed a hand on Blaine’s shoulder, rubbing it as softly as possible. He leaned down to kiss Blaine’s cheek. Blaine was confused at this gesture especially since Sebastian was so angry only moments ago. Blaine had realised from then on that when Sebastian had an idea in his head, he will believe it no matter what statement or fact disproved it, and right now, Sebastian believed that Blaine was depressed. “Okay,” he finally gave up.

Sebastian smirked and leaned down to kiss Blaine. In his confusion, Blaine didn’t respond until a bit later, wrapping his arms around Sebastian’s neck, as Sebastian pulled him closer. Sebastian continued to kiss him for a few more moments before he abandoned him to clean the rest of the room. Sebastian was obsessed with everything looking perfect right now. Blaine then smiled at him in the softest way. “I’m gonna go to school right now, Sebastian. The New Directions are plaguing up my inbox on Facebook, Twitter and tumblr and they’ve even started text messaging me. Also, a lot of teachers sent me emails asking me what’s wrong. I sent a death certificate and you crafted up this strange reply about ulcers. I don’t have an ulcer, Sebastian.”

Sebastian laughed, shaking his head. “You aren’t leaving this house, Blaine. You are sick, and depressed. Go back to bed.” There was a near growl in Sebastian’s voice at the end of the statement but then Sebastian’s eyes suddenly lit up with some sort of epiphany and he was silent for a whole eight minutes without saying anything. Blaine had never been so aware of Sebastian breathing as a huge but insane smile broke out on Sebastian’s face.

“Actually, go. Go to your fucking stupid middle-class school,” Sebastian sounded way too excited and now, Blaine was actually afraid – he didn’t know if it was for himself, Sebastian’s sudden response and the onset of insane delight crossing in those eyes. “Yes, yes, yes, Blaine, get out of the fucking house. It’s like you’re an inpatient in this house. You’re starting to look like Hummel from a lack of sunlight.”

Blaine smiled weakly, because more than anything, he did want to leave. Blaine had actually been so happy he had worn two different coloured socks, and didn’t care, slipped into his shiny loafers and wore one of his favourite ensembles ever. He honestly looked as happy as a man whom had miraculously covered from an illness. He saw all of the fake hospital notes Sebastian had gotten for him on the table, and shoved them all inside of his shoulder bag. For the first time in months, he opened his phone to see all of those missed calls from the New Directions. His stomach dropped.

He had gone downstairs, seeing Sebastian had prepared him a huge breakfast of an omelette with feta, tomato and spinach leaves. He was shocked at how well-prepared it actually looked. It was like Sebastian was trying to impress a chef as even the presentation was amazing. He had sat down as Sebastian shoved his coffee towards him which smelled astoundingly good and had so much whip and Blaine’s favourite thing on coffee – a dash of cinnamon and a bit of white chocolate powder. It smelled so heavenly. “Sebastian Smythe, definition of flawless chef,” Blaine finally chose to comment.

“You look happy,” Sebastian murmured, his voice a little dark.

Blaine looked up to stare at Sebastian’s eyes and then finally realised. It was a spur of a moment realisation and he didn’t know how to come up with it. “Sebastian, you can’t protect me from everyone that’s going to hurt me.” That was the only reason Sebastian seemed to adamantly want him to leave Dalton. Sebastian had thrown the fork in his hand down towards the table.

“Yes, I can,” he said this with a strict, loud voice as if he’d honestly believed it. His eyes then turned into a softer shade of green when that fear spun into Blaine again, as Sebastian moved towards him, cupping Blaine’s face. “Do I scare you, Bee?”

“No, Sebastian—“

“I’m fucking hurting you, aren’t I?” Blaine knew that it would be futile to deny Sebastian, especially when it was partly true. Sebastian’s overprotectiveness was hurting Blaine, making him feel senselessly guilty but Sebastian wouldn’t have any of it if Blaine had told him as he would just senselessly blame himself as if he was at fault for everything wrong in Blaine’s life. “I can’t believe this! I’m such a damned fuck-up.” He groaned in anger, and Blaine had seen Sebastian’s eyes darken so badly at the amount of self-loathing that was in his voice. It was so alarming and shocking for Blaine to hear that.

Sebastian had buried his head in his hands, panting heavily as he slammed his fist towards the table after some time. “Well? Aren’t you going to eat or did I screw that up too? Actually, don’t eat. You might fucking die from food poisoning and if you lose another pound, Blaine, I will tear off my arm for—“

Before Sebastian can finish statement, Blaine was quick to shove a mouthful of egg down his throat. It was hot, and warm. It tasted extravagant, truly astounding but he was afraid to say that just in case Sebastian broke down again and started to explain about how he fucked everything up and how Blaine was lying to make Sebastian feel better about the whole ordeal. As far as Blaine knew, that was how Sebastian thought. It was like every conscious thought in Sebastian’s mind was a delusion. When Sebastian was stuck on something, he was stuck on something, like he was stuck on chasing for Blaine – now, he was stuck on protecting him at all costs.

Blaine knew it was futile but he still wanted to say it out loud. “It’s perfect,” he said, motioning to the eggs.

“You’re flawless,” Sebastian breathed out, leaning towards him and placing a hand on Blaine’s cheek and gave him a very soft and affectionate kiss.

Blaine smiled. Sebastian leaned back up to let Blaine eat. He wasn’t late for school either but the minute he entered there, Blaine was pretty much bombarded with the New Directions and their questions. Blaine’s overt happiness made them unable to stay mad at him for too long even though each of them (but Sam, Marley and Sugar) had a go at him for not being there. Even with being told that he wasn’t taking anything seriously, Blaine was on cloud nine for most of the day. He honestly treasured it so badly because he’d been so pampered he thought he’d explode if Sebastian kept on smothering him with love. Actually, he was grinning when he was hit by that slushie – apparently for his mismatched socks being ‘gay code’ or something. By the time that the school day ended, he texted Sebastian that he had Glee and by the time that Glee ended (which made Blaine even happier to be able to sing again – Will and Finn weren’t so pissed because they believed all of his medical excuses), he found Sebastian waiting for him. His Caddy was parked and Blaine hesitated before walking inside.

Sebastian looked so heart-broken that it tore a whole at Blaine’s heart. It was then that Blaine had honestly looked at Sebastian – and he realised in that moment, how distorted everything was between them, because Sebastian believed that Blaine was depressed, that Blaine was losing so much weight at once, that Blaine was losing sleep and his daily habits were questionable, but Blaine actually stared at Sebastian for some time now. He looked like death. He had lost a huge amount of weight. Blaine had been a way of Sebastian denying his problems because he projected the anxiety and fear to Blaine. It honestly shocked Blaine how sick Sebastian looked right now.

“Sebastian…” Blaine’s voice was soft. “You look so bad right now.”

Sebastian laughed and the laugh was insane. “I’m fucking sorry, Bee. Not everyone can be completely perfect, right?” his eyes were hard when he said those things. There was it again, that self-loathing that Blaine didn’t know how to handle. He’d never seen Sebastian so sad and lonely. He’d never thought he’d ever have to.

“I’m not perfect, Sebastian.”

Sebastian laughed again. “You’re so fucking cute.” He said, almost as if Blaine had told him a joke. That was the first time Blaine actually noticed Sebastian always made Blaine food but Blaine hadn’t seen him eat anything proper and substantial in months now. It was actually worrying Blaine how he was noticing little things – like the fact that Sebastian was practically a robot that did everything for Blaine. He didn’t sleep because he wanted to make sure Blaine was. He didn’t eat because he wanted to make sure Blaine did. He bet that most of his days were spent frantically worrying. This time, Blaine had dropped the fork, refusing to eat until Sebastian did. Sebastian made himself a sandwich, and got a Pepsi.

“Sebastian, that’s barely any food,” Blaine commented, his eyes hard.

Sebastian glared back at his lover. “If I eat more than this, I’ll probably upchuck.” Because his body wasn’t used to more than that at this current moment and that made Blaine stop talking for the moment as he noticed that Sebastian wasn’t even looking or enjoying the food – his eyes were set on Blaine, making sure that Blaine actually ate those bites of food that was astoundingly good.

Blaine had never felt so guilty before in his life. Sebastian’s obsession of him was just getting out of hand. Blaine had dropped the fork then and Sebastian had almost immediately stopped eating. Blaine pursed his lips. “Sebastian, I read your diary.”

Sebastian stared at Blaine for the longest of time.

Blaine’s lower lip was trembling. He had been avoiding the truth was so long. He’d learned how to especially because he was dating Kurt and Kurt was a master of denial. Now, he was denying this. All of that bad emotion burned through him as he looked down. “Why?” Blaine’s voice was shaky. Blaine didn’t want to sound so torn, knowing that in Sebastian’s mind it was just another reason why he fucked everything up. “Why?” he repeated, his voice higher than normal.

“Because I have to fucking protect you from everyone that’s hurting you. And he was hurting you.” Sebastian coolly explained. He had no remorse for his actions, but his eyes were simply responding to Blaine’s pain.

Blaine tried to steady himself, laughing an empty laughed. “So you killed my Father? What a lovely thing to do.”

“He was fucking hurting you! Don’t you get it?! You were going to die, Blaine! Die on the hands of that bastard- I had to fucking to do something. He can’t get away with shit like that!” Sebastian bellowed out in anger, shocking Blaine as he looked away from Sebastian’s eyes. Sebastian just took a deep breath and shook his head. “Dammit, Blaine. I love you. I love you and want to protect you. Why the fuck is it so bad that I made some abusive fucker die?”

Blaine finally stared at him with the iciest expression he could muster. “Because I loved him,” his voice was low. “You’re right. I would’ve died because he doesn’t care about taking care of me…Sebastian, I’d rather have died instead of him.”

“You better take that back,” Sebastian’s eyes hardened, crystallising into ice. “I’m not fucking around, Blaine! Take that back!”

Blaine just tried to maintain steady eye contact with Sebastian as he repeated. “I’d rather have died instead of him, Sebastian.”

This led to Sebastian standing up as he left the room. Blaine felt a huge emptiness in his body. He had gotten up for school and saw no signs of Sebastian. He had actually found him asleep, which was a first. Blaine didn’t know if that was good or bad. He had gone off to make his own food, and thought of how Sebastian was handling things. He thought of calling Kurt about everything but he didn’t know where to start and it hurt him to have to tell Kurt that he was with Sebastian right now, especially if he was going to mention that Sebastian had murdered his Father. That day, he didn’t have Glee after but Mr Schue wanted to talk to him and ask him what was really wrong. Blaine lied around it and left to go home, only to realise that Sebastian was sitting by the window, staring outside.

“Hey,” Blaine moved towards him.

Sebastian didn’t even turn to look at him. The whole house was so clean that Blaine swore he can see his reflections in every surface. When Blaine had entered the kitchen to make himself some coffee, he was shocked at finding a huge plate of homemade pizza and a flower in the middle of the table – in fact, a lavender rose. Blaine raked his mind for the meaning of the flower and remembered it to be love at first sight. His mind flashed back to Sebastian’s googly eyes when he first saw him. They sat in that coffee shop like they were lovers, unaware of time, space, or anything else in the universe, just each other’s words, hanging onto each other’s sentences. It felt a lot like love, and was a lot like something more than friendship from the start of the first glance to that first coffee that Sebastian had offered to buy for Blaine.

Blaine had felt bad for eating without Sebastian standing there, looming and demanding things, but he felt even worse for taking Sebastian’s hard work for granted, so he simply sat down to eat. It was the most tedious lunch ever even though – as always, the flavour from the potatoes and meat was so explosive Blaine was left breathless. Blaine ate and had gone upstairs to do his homework. By the time he had gone downstairs, the whole kitchen was clean and re-moped for what felt like too soon. Blaine was frantically worried over Sebastian whom seemed to not really exist.

That next day, when Blaine came home from school, the first thing on his agenda was trying to do something that would elect a bit of joy from Sebastian. It was then when he was stirring batter and putting sugar that he realised that the more Sebastian was in pain, the more it literally killed Blaine as well. He loved Sebastian and this made him realise just how much he actually loved him, panicking over him constantly and longing for that sweet, beautiful smile. All he wanted was Sebastian to be happy. By five pm, his lunch was untouched – Sebastian had made him some salmon and brown rice with peas, and today’s flower was a mallow – Blaine had to Google this one but he knew Sebastian picked flowers especially because Blaine was so obsessed with them after watching a movie (Blaine had even forgotten what movie right now). It meant ‘consumed by love’ apparently.

Blaine had laid out his brownies, perfectly cutting them, before he cleaned up his own mess in the kitchen, humming show tunes under his breath. He had gone outside of the kitchen only to see Sebastian sitting by that stupid window, gazing out like there was something to reflect on. He looked so depressed it nearly killed Blaine as he went to his lover, offering him a brownie from the pan. Sebastian stared at the confection as if it was radioactive as Blaine took the dessert, bringing it to Sebastian’s lips. Sebastian took a bite out of it and just as he was eating it, Blaine had leaned down to kiss him. It was a lovely chocolate-y kiss but had barely any proper response from Sebastian. “You don’t hurt me,” Blaine said, but it was so ironic because all Blaine had was hurt in his eyes.

Sebastian’s face spoke it all: he wasn’t convinced that Blaine was okay, not even close to it. That morning, Blaine had caught Sebastian on Blaine’s scale and Blaine’s eyes widened at the number that was a lot lower than Blaine had anticipated, which only confirmed Blaine’s theory. Sebastian snorted even though it was barely heard and turned away from the scale as Blaine still tried to process that number. It haunted him for the rest of the day as he went to school. His day was completely ruined as fear started to suppress him. It was so bad that the New Directions that were previously shunning him were asking him what was wrong (of course, Sam had been asking him what was wrong all along.) All Blaine had managed was a soft, sweet smile and mentioning something along the lines of not coping well but in reality, Blaine was horrifically anxious about Sebastian and if Sebastian was mentioned in the choir room, all Hell would break loose. He felt so confined, unable to tell anyone that wasn’t the Warblers about his and Sebastian’s relationship and he wasn’t in Dalton. He wanted so desperately to go there right now as well but at the same time, New Directions was his home as well.

Blaine had then turned to eating and sleeping his emotions. He wanted Sebastian to call him out on it but Sebastian didn’t speak anymore. He seemed so devoid of everything. Blaine mentioning those words had really struck him and Blaine had never felt guiltier about the whole ordeal. When Blaine had passed out from dehydration, Sebastian had torn the whole hospital in fretfulness and dread but even then he hadn’t said a word. He swore he heard screaming and some of it may be Sebastian’s but he was out of it then. Since then, Blaine was practically routinely hydrated by the clock as Sebastian would walk into his room to put up room temperature water bottles for Blaine to drink.

Just seeing Sebastian had made Blaine depressed, just seeing him because all he saw was the sorrow. One statement had ruined Sebastian’s whole wide world. He still obsessively cleaned, placed those lavender roses and mallows on the table next to lunch that was frightfully good. He still did everything and even more obsessively so. It downed on Blaine that Sebastian was never at Dalton, not even for classes because he was so fixated on Blaine. Dalton wasn’t home he realised because it would be so empty without Sebastian.

At some point, Blaine had started to throw up unintentionally from some sort of sickness. Blaine’s Father had him so used to being sick and not cared for that Blaine didn’t really pay attention to it even though halfway through performances, Blaine would puke up a storm. When Sebastian caught Blaine shakily pressed up against the sink, puking, all Sebastian did do was force Blaine bed, gave him a huge dosage of pills and the too-long sickness had left in days. It was during his sickness that Blaine realised he missed his Father – even if his Father didn’t care, he missed his Father telling him to fucking suck it up. Strange wish but when he was sick, he was closer to his Father. He wondered when he stopped caring about how sick he got.

It was on a Monday evening when Blaine had walked into the kitchen and Sebastian was placing dinner on a plate. There were two plates – one Sebastian had used when preparing and one was for Blaine. He picked up the now empty preparation plate and turned around but in that instance, he was knocked down by the slick floor that he’d just cleaned and had crashed a plate. Blaine swore it was the loudest sound he heard. Sebastian wasn’t physically hurt – but in that moment, for some reason that Blaine couldn’t really understand, hot tears pooled into Sebastian’s eyes as he uncontrollably shook, holding his head in his hands, weeping for something. Blaine’s heart was hurting him so bad, because he’d never seen Sebastian so vulnerable and in that instant, he knew why Sebastian so quiet and distant, because he was in pain and Sebastian knew that Blaine loved him enough that if he was in pain, Blaine would be in pain as well.

“You can’t protect me from hurting, Sebastian,” Blaine whispered as he leaned down, cupping Sebastian’s head in his hands. Sebastian had let him. Blaine was the only allowed to see that and with that knowledge in his mind, Blaine kissed his forehead. It was still and quiet for those few moments. Sebastian was shaking so badly that Blaine had gone off to get him a blanket, pull him to his feet and help him go to bed. Sebastian had actually been so exhausted he seemingly had fallen asleep the minute his head landed on that pillow. That night, Blaine couldn’t sleep well, and that morning, he had gone off to look for his lover, finding Sebastian was still asleep. Blaine realised he’d gone up at five am, and with that, he went downstairs and made Sebastian some toast, eggs and tea. When Sebastian woke up to that breakfast, he had stared it for a few moments before he actually did eat under Blaine’s watchful eye.

That day, Blaine was late for school, had been slushied three times and Artie told him to shut up during Glee for projecting an obscure idea. He had gotten Sebastian some clothing because his didn’t fit him after his abnormal weight loss and Sebastian seemed to be even more distant, colder – Sebastian did not want to be taken care of, he wanted to take care of Blaine but Sebastian was such in a lethargic state that Blaine couldn’t dare let him keep on doing what he was doing. Blaine had thought of phoning his only-there-for-the-holidays-maybe-not-even-then parents, as he didn’t want to end up in trouble after they’d go through all of the adopting business – they even let him keep his last name, which Blaine appreciated. Blaine was honestly horrified over what can happen to Sebastian, whom had overworked himself for far too long – whose only focus was Blaine even through this.

Blaine had got a text message from Sebastian nearing supper: if I ask you a question, will you give me the truth? Blaine looked up with sincere eyes and nodded his head. He hoped that Sebastian was actually asking him the question.

“Be honest with me, Bee. Does being me with fucking hurt you?”

Blaine had hoped it wasn’t that question as he shut his eyes. “Not intentionally,” his voice was soft. “I hurt when you hurt, Bas. And I hate being smothered. I don’t want to depend on you. I was…honestly a bit annoyed when you kept on smothering me and doing everything for me. I felt so guilty because Sebastian, it’s not fair to you.”

Sebastian was silent for a few moments. “I love you,” he unexpectedly said.

Blaine nodded his head and with a certain voice said, “I love you too.”

Feeling like so much was solved, Blaine was about to leave when Sebastian had finally said. “Sleep,” he murmured. “You gotta sleep, Bee. Gotta.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Blaine had found a small smile on his lips at this conversation. He had crawled onto bed with a little hope for tomorrow. He woke up, made breakfast for Sebastian and apparently, Sebastian had made breakfast for him. Blaine had put in the effort in doing the same for Sebastian. They just ate, sharing smiles at each other and grins – they didn’t have to say any words really. Blaine was euphoric when he left. He thought of actually buying a few flowers for Sebastian. He hadn’t actually shown Sebastian that he loved him too, that the pain didn’t matter because the love was so much better. It was cheesy but Blaine had been thinking about it all day. Sam pointed out his too brilliant smile and he aced an assignment. On his way home, he had gone to the florist.

When he was home, his first thing to do was find Sebastian, and then he realised that he was probably showering, he opened the bathroom and found out that Sebastian was in the water-filled tub. There were huge amounts of rues in the bathroom – Blaine knew what this one meant: regret. He remembered that and with that, his bouquet of red roses fell from his hands as he had gone off to look at Sebastian, realising that the rues were floating in crimson water and Sebastian was far too pale for life.

“You know, I’d do anything to make sure that nobody in this fucking world hurts you. I do fucking everything for you, Bee. I’d even fucking kill the bastard that ever tried to hurt you,” those words were repeated into Blaine’s mind. Sebastian had killed before, and he’d done it ruthlessly so. He had just done it again, just as carelessly, without thinking of the consequences. Sebastian had truly thought he’d hurt Blaine, made him depressed, lonely, anxious – all the things that Sebastian, things that Sebastian saw bits and pieces of in Blaine and over-exaggerated him, ignoring his own pain and projecting the intensity of it on Blaine.

Blaine knew he was not allowed to feel any sadness or pain. He needed not to, because Sebastian had killed himself just because he believed he’d been a cause of pain in Blaine’s life. Sebastian wanted to end Blaine’s suffering so he ended himself. Blaine refused to let himself hurt. He will cry only now, and during the funeral – he will put red roses on Sebastian’s grave and tell him that he was perfect, because Sebastian was perfect – he just didn’t realise how perfect he was because he was so fixated on Blaine’s flawlessness.

“Sleep,” Blaine whispered, voice strong but mind reeling with an abnormal amount of pain that Blaine tried to suppress, placing a hand on his dead lover’s cold cheek as hot tears filled his eyes, already falling without warning. “You gotta sleep, Bas. Gotta.”

#Seblaine #Seblangst #fanfiction #Glee fanfiction #fanfiction - glee #Seblaine fics #Doll House #dareinchris #Season 4 related

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dareinchris · 12 years ago

Text

I HAVE WRITTEN SOME THINGS FOR MY SEBLANE FEELS.

Title: Gravenimage

Rated: +13 - language, some references Summary: Sebastian realises the price for loving Blaine. Blaine just wants to follow his dreams. Inspired by "Gravenimage" by Sonata Arctica.

Pairing: Seblaine

Genre: Drama/Romance

Blaine Anderson had been staring at the selection of pastries and desserts assorted in front of him. Just before he can try to narrow down his choices, a middle-aged man with a bit of grey on the back of what used to be luscious black hair, a good substandard amount of pudge around his belly, and stubby fingers had been holding a brown paper bag in one hand and an order of a latte in the other.

Blaine chuckled before taking them both from the man’s hands.

“You can’t gain an ounce if you keep drinking that black stuff,” the man finally stated, as Blaine just shrugged, taking a sip from the warm, sweet calorie-infested coffee, as he looked back at the good-humoured male. “Where’s your friend?”

Blaine’s cheeks coloured in slightly, as he just shrugged. “He’s shopping.”

“Ah,” the male shook his head. “He’s been coming around with you a lot. Kurt, right?”

Blaine curled his lower lip inward as he nodded his head, taking another much needed sip to break the rather quelling silence. The male walked from behind the counter, and everyone around him parted to let the owner of the local coffee shop suddenly move towards what they saw was just a simple dark-haired child. Blaine sat down beside the nearest vacant chair and had opened up the brown paper bag, pulling out a muffin.

“Do you know many calories are in this?” his nose wrinkled in distaste.

“Like you need to worry about ‘em,” the male placed his elbows on the table, as Blaine placed the muffin on the brown paper bag like it was a plate, taking another sip of the latte. “Can you guess?”

“Steamed milk, espresso, vanilla and caramel syrup, three sugars, and a bit of honey,” Blaine called out the contents of the latte perfectly, as he picked up the muffin, which he turned around his hand. It wasn’t on the bakery selection like usual. Probably rarely ever there. He sniffed it, despite the fact that people might be staring at him. “Coffee, cinnamon,” he picked off a bit of the muffin and it came off quickly in his hands. “Moist.”

“That all?” he raised his eyebrow.

“No, wait, there’s something,” Blaine placed the muffin back down, looking at it from every angle.

“Should I tell ya?” Blaine finally nodded his head as the man picked off a part of the muffin, to show something white embedded. “Vanilla, and white chocolate chips.” He placed it into Blaine’s hand, whom just chuckled softly as he placed the bite of muffin in his mouth before chewing.

The man leaned back as a brunette walked towards them. The man was staring at the brunette’s clothing – the brunette was wearing tight black pants, over a large grey sweater that actually wasn’t so large that it was swallowing him but big enough that it covered him perfectly. The grey sweater had a good amount of buttons creating towards his collar and was decked in white and black feathers designing the sweater so it wasn’t plain at all. Underneath the sweater, he was wearing a white shirt.

The brunette sat down with his order that was signed by Felicity – damn, he knew her handwriting anywhere as he sat down beside Blaine. “I’m going to leave soon but I saw you with…um…” the brunette extended his hand to shake the man’s hand. The man chuckled and then shook the brunette’s hand.

“Suppose you deserve a bit of an explanation?” he muttered. “Name’s Joseph. I’m Blaine’s Father, Kurt Hummel.”

Kurt nodded his head and looked back at Blaine, whom just explained. “My Dad owns this place,” and with that knowledge, Kurt blushed. All of their coffee dates, fights off with Sebastian and every single thing they’d said to each other – Joseph probably heard them too, which was why he knew who he was just by seeing him.

“Non-fat mocha that is,” Joseph stared at the coffee cup in Kurt’s hands.

Kurt slowly nodded his head, blushing even harder than before. Kurt looked at Blaine for a moment, slightly fidgety around him due to his Father’s presence.

“Wha?” Joseph muttered, looking at him. “You can talk to him, you know. I won’t ban you from him or something. There ain’t nothing I haven’t heard.”

That did nothing to the slightly fidgety Kurt, as he nodded his head. “I just am not quite well around company as I was before.” Kurt shook his hand again and looked Blaine for a moment, wondering something before extending his hand up to Blaine.

“Come on. He’s not some random stranger you just met. He’s your boyfriend, right?” the man explained and Kurt nodded, before Kurt relaxed slightly. “Kiss ‘im goodbye. Give him a slap up the butt if you want.”

Blaine chuckled at his Father’s words. Kurt looked at Blaine’s eyes, completely transfixed by him now, as he laid a hand on Blaine’s shoulder and gave him a kiss. Blaine relaxed into Kurt’s kiss and Kurt left after a curt jerk of his head towards Blaine.

Blaine chuckled again as he sat down and ate the muffin, drinking the rest of his coffee. Joseph’s eyes were full of bemusement. They sat there for a while, as Blaine finished the last drop of latte. Before Blaine can nod to his Father to leave, he bumped into another figure. Blaine stepped back, seeing Sebastian standing there, steadying a textbook in one hand and a coffee in the other.

Blaine’s eyes hardened. “Sebastian.”

Sebastian just stared at Blaine, shaking his head. “Your adorable little boyfriend is a blushing virgin around your Father,” Sebastian noted.

“You…?” Blaine raised an eyebrow, as Sebastian continued to speak, cutting him off.

“Oh, please, Blaine,” Sebastian rolled his eyes, but then his eyes were brimming with delight. “It’s cute how he kissed you.”

Joseph stood up right now, eyes full of hardness, but Sebastian placed a hand up in the air, as if to halt him. Joseph raised an eyebrow, in some sort of inquiry, as Sebastian turned to look at Blaine. Sebastian placed a hand on Blaine’s hip and one on Blaine’s shoulder as he pressed his lips against Blaine’s own. A look of complete shook plastered against Joseph’s face. The kiss was deep. Blaine melted and Sebastian found the need to wrap his arms around Blaine’s waist.

Sebastian slapped Blaine’s ass on his way out, and Blaine was stunned.

“You alright, Blainey?” Joseph said, moving towards his shell-shocked son as Blaine nodded his head, still somewhat stunned by what Sebastian had done. Joseph had told him to follow him outside, as he saw Kurt moving towards them again, waving a hand towards him. Joseph smiled and Blaine was just about to go when he was pulled back by strong hands. Joseph turned around and to his hatred found himself pushed back down by a blonde that can bench press him for a living.

Kurt was taken by two men, each one of them looked like they weighed three times more than Kurt did, and most of it was fat probably.

“Let go of my son,” Joseph hissed as the blonde laughed, punching Blaine in the stomach.

“Let. Go. Of. Him.” A more definite voice sounded out. The blonde turned around to meet with Sebastian’s face. The blonde collapsed into laughter, as Sebastian pulled out a coffee cup, running his finger across the lid. “This is yours. And my Father works with the police. They can get blood samples and everything…Garret. What kind of name is that? Was your Mother high when she named you?”

“Don’t talk about my Mother like that.” Humour whipped off the blonde’s face as he signalled for the others to follow him. Sebastian looked at Blaine. Blaine immediately tensed as he looked back from Sebastian to Kurt. Sebastian can tell Kurt everything right then, that his ‘perfect boyfriend’ kissed him, even if it was a lie.

Sebastian just walked right off, prompting Blaine to text him. Why didn’t you tell Kurt about the kiss? It was reckless.

Sebastian answered immediately afterwards. Playing games now, aren’t we, Blainey?

Blaine rolled his eyes at the response as Kurt walked over to him and made sure he was okay. Joseph made a crack about Blaine being addicted to his phone like every other teenager.

“I’m going home for dinner,” Kurt explained and then stared at Blaine intently. “Do you want to come too?” he asked, voice soft.

Blaine shook his head. “No,” was his simple answer. He smiled anyway and hugged Kurt as tightly as ever. Kurt didn’t expect it but hugged him back. Blaine stared at Kurt just after they broke away. “You’re amazing.”

Kurt’s eyes glittered in that beautiful way. “And you’re the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.”

The statement emitted a small smile from Blaine as he looked down and then back at him. Their eyes just locked for that moment before Kurt left, taking the great deal of awkwardness with him. It was somewhat adorable Kurt was so awkward around his Father.

Joseph called his chauffeur over to take him home. Just as Blaine got into the front seat, Javier looked at him and then laughed. Javier’s eyes filled with glee. “That is the face of love, isn’t it?” Javier cupped his cheek. “Beautiful, young love.”

Blaine chuckled nervously. It wasn’t the first time he’d gotten into the car after an encounter with Kurt. The only different thing he’d done today was be kissed by Sebastian. He cringed. Blaine himself had gotten into the kiss, almost lost in it. Now, as an afterthought, Sebastian tasted a lot like fish. Blaine blushed. What the epitome of all romance novels. Fish.

You taste like fish; now all humour was back into Blaine’s face. How romantic of you.

I had salmon for lunch, with wild rice and hot chocolate.

That sounds so good! Blaine was full-on grinning right now and then caught himself in the rear-view mirror, before he faltered. He’d never looked so thrilled before, not even around Kurt. The smile disappeared, but then, unaware, it reappeared as Sebastian answered: I kiss you. You have a boyfriend. Most people would start cussing at me, but you choose to explain to me that my kiss tastes like fish.

It escaped Blaine’s mind for a moment, at the realisation – he felt like the most downright filthy putrid thing in the world, but at the same time, he felt light – like he was floating on glass. Sebastian, when you think, do you think in English?

Sebastian didn’t even ask him why he asked him such a question. I think in French. Do you think in rainbows, Blaine?

A small smile pressed against his lips, even though it was weak, as an uncomfortable curdle pressed against his stomach. This was the boy that slushied him, that kissed him in front of his Father and then slapped his ass after – he shouldn’t be exchanging secret texts with him. Maybe I do. Maybe not. What did you think when you first saw me?

Est-ce que tu crois au coup de foudre au premier regard ou est-ce que je dois repasser? Blaine shook his head at this, translating it in his mind. Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again? Blaine then asked: how do I taste like?

When Blaine got a response, he placed his phone back into his pocket and didn’t ever mention the kiss to Sebastian ever again.

Inside Blaine’s pocket, the screen still flashed: like you lost yourself.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

Blaine made Javier take him to an address and said he’ll be back in mere minutes. Blaine knocked on the door, once, twice, three times, and then Kurt immediately opened the door. “Blaine, dinner’s finished and Mom and Dad are upstairs but I—”

Blaine cut him off, as he pushed Kurt up against the wall and then kissed him. Kurt responded, as Blaine placed a hand on Kurt’s hip, and the other one at the small of Kurt’s neck. Kurt tasted like casserole, tuna – Carole always knew how to make good casserole. And pineapple. His lip balm. Kurt’s lips were far soft and delicate. Blaine pulled back and then reached in to kiss him again. A few minutes in, the multitude of kisses that Kurt watched Blaine pull away.

Kurt placed a hand on Blaine’s cheek. “Shh…”

Blaine didn’t realise that there were tears pooling into his eyes until the first tear fell from his cheek. Blaine shook his head. “I can’t let you see me like this,” and then left without another sound.

When he stepped inside of the car, Javier gave him tissues and Blaine blew his nose. Javier took him for drives around the park and didn’t even say anything. When Blaine saw Sebastian walking in the street with his hands into a coat that he didn’t recall him ever wearing, Blaine let out a strangled sob and brought the tissue closer.

Blaine finally got his phone up to see Kurt had texted him. Are you okay?

Blaine blinked a few moments. How do I taste like?

Why?

Blaine tried to make up something. I’m just wondering. You tasted like casserole and pineapple.

Kurt then wrote: what a lovely combination. Blaine can almost hear the sarcasm in Kurt’s voice. Nearly a second later within reading that, Kurt had sent him another message: you taste like a chai latte. You always do. You’re addicted to these things.

Blaine let out an awkward chuckle, and then saw himself in the rear-view mirror. He looked troubled, frenzied. He stewed his phone away again and then asked Javier to take him home. Blaine’s mind drifted…like you lost yourself.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

“Sebastian Smythe.”

“Blaine Anderson.”

“Oh, I know who you are.”

“Are you a freshman?”

“Do I look like a freshman?”

Blaine turned to his side, took out his phone, and smiled as he heard the seas rolling by outside the window of his Father’s beach house. No, you don’t look like a freshman, he typed into his Touch as he heard the sound of tides sloshing outside. Tides at the night, a recipe for insomnia. You look lonely.

What are you looking at? Sebastian finally replied.

Blaine jerked his head forward to look at a full-length mirror. A mirror.

Sexy, was Sebastian’s immediate response. You’re not wearing any clothes, are you?

Blaine blushed as he curled up into his blanket. Not in particular. Are you fantasising about me naked?

When am I not?

Blaine chuckled under his breath. You treat me like I’m a hot piece of ass sometimes.

Well, yours is adorable and cute. How can you blame a Warbler for staring? Blaine felt flattered, but somewhat trudging into dangerous territory as Blaine typed in: What are you looking at?

A boy I hooked up with tonight.

Blaine felt disturbed, but then it hit him – Sebastian was fully honest with him. …can I see him?

Sebastian sent him a picture and Blaine cringed. The boy’s entire body, head to toe, naked, muscled, with a seven or eight inch cock from what he can deduce from what he saw, eyes that were wide and beautifully blue. His shoulders were defined. All of him was defined. He was pale, and his blonde hair was in front of his eyes. Apparently, he knew the picture was taken but he didn’t really care. He’s awfully hot, isn’t it? Sebastian had typed.

Blaine typed back as quickly as he could.

…do you want to see me?

Blaine curled his tongue in his mouth. He wasn’t thinking straight, and there was white-hot jealousy in him as he took a picture with his phone, even though it didn’t capture all of him like he wanted it too. Blaine sent it to Sebastian and Sebastian quickly replied: you can’t sleep, can you? Your eyes are bloodshot. You’re not thinking straight.

What if I don’t want to? Blaine felt reckless, the kind of reckless he always felt with Sebastian, with giving him his phone number, but with Kurt, it was all control and stop signs.

You’ll regret this tomorrow. Blaine was regretting it right now.

I know. Blaine typed back.

Sebastian finally responded: you’re hot, you know that? You have this really nice looking birthmark on your shoulder, and another one just under your ribs, it’s fucking hot.

Blaine blushed. What’s the first thing you noticed?

Sebastian typed back as quickly as possible. Your eyes. They’re so big and innocent, which just makes the fact that you’re naked a plus. Aren’t you afraid I’m gonna tell Hummel?

Blaine bit down his lower lip. I’m going to tell him.

Blaine typed back a message to Kurt just then: call me when you can, okay? He didn’t expect to have Incoming Call: Kurt Hummel only a few moments later, as Blaine slid open his phone, suddenly feeling shamefully dirty as he took a deep breath. “Kurt,” he called him.

“Blaine?” Kurt didn’t sound sleepy at all.

“Are you okay, Kurt? You’re not asleep.”

“Well, I had a too large of nap this afternoon,” Kurt grunted and then said. “Blaine, honey, why did you call?”

Blaine bit down his lower lip, which was trembling. “Kurt, I just sent a naked picture of myself to Sebastian. I…I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

“You did…what?”

Blaine then added on. “Why are you so awkward around my Dad, Kurt?”

Kurt was sighing on the other end of the line. “Because…” he stopped right then, as if he was thinking about it too. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore, Blaine.”

“You don’t love me,” Blaine said it as a fact after realisation.

“Blaine, I love you, just…”

“…is it enough?”

Kurt shut the phone and Blaine got his answer. A few minutes in, Sebastian had asked him: how did he take it?

We broke up.

Blaine waited for Sebastian to drop a sexual line about how they were meant to be anyway: I’m sorry you’re hurt, Blaine. Blaine was actually shocked by how accurate that statement must be, because he definitely wasn’t sorry they broke up, just that Blaine was hurt at the result of it.

How hurt do I think I am?

Sebastian finally responded. Not enough for a first love. Do you honestly think I’d try to hit on you and get you if I was sure Hummel wasn’t going to leave you, Blaine?

Blaine just responded. Yes.

Sebastian didn’t answer after that.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

Sebastian drove the blonde home promptly after the end of their encounter. They had another round of sex, and then Sebastian called it a night. He took him back home and then he got another text from Blaine: meet me in the Lima Bean now.

It was nearly four am. Too early for coffee, wasn’t it? He found Blaine wearing a coat, and then raised his eyebrow, before nodding towards Blaine, allowing him to sit with him on the front. The car ride was silent as Blaine said he wanted to go to Sebastian’s home.

“What does your Father know?”

“Nothing,” Blaine said after a moment, and his voice was soft.

When they arrived to his house, Sebastian took him upstairs. “It’s really empty,” Blaine said after a while.

“My parents are on a business trip,” Sebastian retorted in a nearly icy manner and Blaine nodded his head. They walked up to Sebastian’s room, where Blaine picked up a pillow and laughed.

“It’s really soft.” Blaine got on top of his bedside and he pressed his head onto the pillow. Blaine looked up at Sebastian and took off his coat. Sebastian looked at the naked Blaine before him, but couldn’t say he wasn’t as aroused as Hell. Sebastian took Blaine’s face into his own hands.

“Why did you send me that picture?”

“I was jealous.” Blaine said. Being this close to Blaine made him smell the scotch on his breath. “I was really jealous.”

“You’re reckless.”

Blaine laughed. Of course, it was hilarious. Sebastian, that went to Scandals to get laid, calling the calm and collected Blaine Anderson reckless. Sebastian saw Blaine pull himself to Sebastian’s lap and then kiss him. Sebastian kissed him back for a moment before pushing Blaine backwards towards his bed, and then covering him with the duvet. Sebastian laid a hand on Blaine’s cheek. “Sleep. You’re drunker than I am in Christmas.”

Blaine looked away from Sebastian. “Why doesn’t anyone want me?”

It took all of Sebastian’s energy to steady his breath and then say, “Sleep, Blaine.”

Blaine fell asleep only moments after and Sebastian’s first instinct was to place a few articles of clothing that he had from when he was shorter. He got the shortest shirt on him, a pair of boxers, socks and his favourite pair of loafers and placed it beside Blaine’s bed. Sebastian kissed his fingers and placed them on Blaine’s cheek.

When Blaine woke up, there was a medium drip from the Lima Bean on the stand. Blaine smiled as he picked up the coffee, draining at least a fourth of it quickly, only to notice that there was a small note on the stand. You’re super-hot when you sleep.

Blaine chuckled and then placed the note on the front of Sebastian’s trousers. Even though they must be one of his old ones, they were still too long to fit Blaine so he had to staple the ends of his pants in. The hoodie was large and swallowed him up. The biggest thought running into his mind was: I’m wearing Sebastian’s underwear. Simple thought, but it made Blaine blush thinking of wearing anyone’s underwear at that moment.

When Sebastian walked into the room later that day, he discovered that Blaine was gone, along with his clothes and his coffee was drunk. He smiled to himself, as he went to fix up the pillow before he heard his phone ring. He picked up his phone and accepted the call. “Why didn’t you sleep with me?” Blaine finally said.

“People say hello,” Sebastian greeted him before saying. “You were drunk. I didn’t want to make your pretentious love life even worse.”

Blaine seemed to pause and consider this. “You knew you wanted me…romantically…from the first moment you saw me right? When I was with Kurt, you told me that it didn’t bother you if it didn’t bother me, so how can anyone trust to be in a relationship with you?”

“I only said that because I don’t even deserve to be with you, much less be your one and only—“Sebastian stopped at that moment. “I have to go, Blaine.” He shut the phone without a response.

All Blaine can think of was at the other end, as he passed by his Father was that Sebastian didn’t think he was good enough for him. He lay down on the couch. His Father wasn’t home yet, but when he was, he’d want an explanation.

Sebastian heard his phone buzz, and he answered after a moment of contemplation: thank you.

Blaine got a text a few moments after: you’re beautiful. Blaine didn’t even know why tears were pooling into his eyes, as he smiled down.

Javier was passing by him when Blaine heard “beautiful, young love.”

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

The weather was cold up, but there was a fire lit. Blaine watched as Sebastian turned around, fiddling with the buttons of his coat, and then lying beside him naked. “I thought I’d show you mine,” Sebastian finally said, as Blaine looked down at Sebastian’s form. Blaine took off his shirt, following his pants and boxers. Both of them naked, but it was so odd for Blaine to realise Sebastian wasn’t going to have sex with him, as Sebastian laid a hand onto Blaine’s shoulder.

Blaine pressed his head against Sebastian’s shoulder. “You have bony shoulder blades.”

“Do they bother you? I can gain weight. I happen to enjoy food.” Sebastian said after a moment, making Blaine laugh.

“No,” Blaine said after a moment. “I have a bottle of scotch if you want.”

“I want, but I can’t trust you with alcohol. Especially when we’re both naked. I don’t think I want to survive another day where I have to reject you.”

Blaine pulled the bottle from the couch they were leaning back on and Blaine opened the lid. “Who said I wanted you to reject me this time?”

Sebastian pulled two glasses and they shared the bottle together. It was the morning, cold, and the fire was the only thing that kept them warm before the fiery bitter alcohol ran down their throats.

In three years of having sex, this was the first time he’d even worn a condom.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

Just as Sebastian was calling out orders, he’d seen Blaine’s silhouette walk in, so he’d called out Blaine’s order to the cashier as well. After their drinks were prepared, he gave Blaine his drink and Blaine smiled at him. There was no bashfulness. It was almost as if when Blaine’s virginity was taken away from him, he had found all the confidence in his body, which Sebastian would admit to be hotter than the bashful schoolboy thing.

“The university I want to go to just opened up admissions.” Blaine chirped. “I’m doing psychiatry! Six years for my undergraduate, and then two more years for my post-graduate to specialise and doing another two years to get my Masters.”

Sebastian found himself grinning towards him. “I suppose my family has a new appointed psychiatrist.”

Blaine nodded his head.

“Is this what you really want to do?” Sebastian laid a hand on Blaine’s wrist, as Blaine nodded. “Where is it?”

“In London,” Blaine bit his lower lip. “The universities and colleges are really competitive and if I want to apply, I have to do it soon because the chairs get full really fast.”

Sebastian nodded his head again and then squeezed Blaine’s hand. “Oxford or Cambridge?”

“How do you—?” Blaine shook his head. “Oxford.”

Sebastian smiled back at him. “Then do it, Blainey. We can do things when you’re in that uniform in ten years,” there was no resentment in his voice as he laid his hand onto Blaine’s.

Blaine shook his head as they kissed quickly, and Blaine left to start on his application. Just then, Joseph Anderson walked by. Joseph had never approved of Sebastian and Blaine being together and that prompted Sebastian to icily say, “I’m not leaving him.”

Joseph gave him a muffin. Sebastian took that into his hands, as he looked down.

“You’re losing weight.”

Sebastian nodded his head. “I knew he was going to apply into that God forsaken university. I knew it.” He said the last bit with a trembling lip. Tears filled his eyes as his hands shook. “Fuck him. Fuck Oxford and his dreams.”

“Except not, you’re letting him go.”

“If I said the words ‘don’t go’, he fucking won’t.” Sebastian said after a moment, taking a deep breath. “And what kind of living is that? It’ll bite him in the ass. If we ever get married, he’ll start screaming it at me and if we ever adopt, the kids will just hear it over and over again ‘Sebastian, you made me give up on my dreams’. What kind of life is that if I didn’t let Blaine go?”

Sebastian shook his head. “He’s hot. Some London bastards might go after him.”

Joseph smiled at him. “What are you doing after you graduate?”

“I’m not graduating.” Sebastian said gruffly. “I’m failing every class.”

Joseph raised an eyebrow. “You’re a smart kid. Seen you help Blaine with stuff even I don’t know about.”

“I know.”

Joseph stared back curiously and asked, “Then why are you failing?”

Sebastian laughed, took a bite out of the muffin and just as he was leaving, he finally said, “You never asked me if I was failing every damn class I have on purpose.”

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

“Regionals this year.” Thad chimed in as he pulled out his bottle of scotch. “None for Blaine or Jeff because your drinking tolerance is like my ninety-year-old grandma.”

Blaine shook his head, laughing. McKinley was nothing without Blaine, or its lead faces. Kurt talked to Blaine sometimes too. Jeff took a sip of alcohol either way when Thad poured him a very small amount. Nick was sipping his cup slowly and they laughed around together. Sebastian was playing with the rim of his alcohol. Blaine sat down beside him and laid his head on Sebastian’s shoulder. Sebastian laid a hand on Blaine’s shoulder, and kissed his forehead.

“Your drink is full.” Blaine noted. “Why are you sad?”

“I’m not,” Sebastian truthfully responded. I’m so motherfucking hurt that sad doesn’t even begin to cover it. “I’m thinking.”

Finding truth in Sebastian’s tone of voice, Blaine relaxed. “Stop thinking.”

“And be as reckless as you?” Sebastian teased him and Blaine laughed as Sebastian pressed his lips against Blaine’s. The Warblers weren’t completely up for the idea, but then again, Sebastian was the reason Blaine was in Dalton, even if Sebastian insisted he didn’t transfer for the sake of him, but Blaine said McKinley was boring and the only reason he even transferred there in the first place was because of Kurt.

A day from now, Sebastian would be walking through the fire where they’d first had sex. Sebastian looked down at the fire; still burning brightly as long as he’d chose it too. He sat down, watching the flames die down. By the time his maid came back up to recreate the fire, Sebastian shook his head. “Leave it,” his voice was stern.

“Of course, Master Sebastian,” she was just about to leave. “Is Master hungry today?”

Sebastian shook his head. “Not in particular, Althea.”

“I hope you sleep well tonight, Master Sebastian.” She shut the door of his room, as Sebastian picked up his phone and found Blaine asking him: I need to go take a passport the ‘British’ way and take the IELTS along with the SAT’s soon. The IELTS test centre want a recent photograph done in the British-ish way, with my ears showing and without me smiling.

Sebastian smiled weakly: have to keep the hat I got you for your birthday at home then?

I’m afraid so, Sebastian! He can almost see the smile on Blaine, making his own smile widen even more. Can you take me?

Of course I can, Blaine. I have a car, don’t I? The question is ‘may I’?

You’re an ass.

Sebastian’s smile dropped, even though it was a joke, as he then added on: what time then?

Six am. I know you’re not awake until two pm on weekends, but pleaaaaaaaaaaase?

Sebastian gave in. Only for you, Blaine. Only for you, Blainey.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

Just as Sebastian was driving Blaine, Blaine was talking animatedly.

“…I was thinking of doing my six year medical programme. The first year is a foundation year where I get to learn everything and then the next five years is basically all learning and shit. Then I’m going to another university, still in London to do my post-graduate since they say that those years count more.”

Sebastian stopped the song that was playing on the radio.

“—I was listening to that.”

Sebastian didn’t look at Blaine. “It’s an annoying song and I hate it.”

Blaine looked hurt. Sebastian didn’t realise why as he left abruptly without a goodbye when they got to the destination. Sebastian finally opened the radio and realised what song was playing as the tunes of Glad You Came filled the car. Sebastian suddenly cursed the world for telling Blaine that their song was annoying. Sebastian immediately got a text from Blaine: go home, Bas.

Sebastian took a deep breath, shaking his head and then mumbled, “black-haired bitch”. Immediately afterwards, Sebastian bit down his lower lip, and drove as fast as he could to anywhere. He couldn’t believe he just called Blaine that, even if Blaine wasn’t presently there. His heart was hurting and his chest tightened. He needed to clear his head. He needed to stop thinking.

He stopped in the middle of a street that was almost always empty because it lead to nowhere and just then, he broke into tears. Fuck it. He can’t even recognise music anymore.

Like you lost yourself.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

Sebastian Smythe had been taking violin lessons since he was a small child. At first, it was a priority. His Father wanted his son to be able to play an instrument. Sebastian resented it growing up but his Mother made him fall in love with music. He can make beautiful music.

“So beautiful! Inspiring! I wish your Father could’ve heard this,” his violin instructor would say as Sebastian dragged the bow across the strings professionally standing like he was taught to. Sometimes it didn’t matter if his neck felt strained. In time, he wouldn’t even feel the strain, or realise he’d been standing for hours on end, trying to perfect notes. To everyone else, they sounded perfect, but Sebastian can see all of the flaws.

When his Father told him they were leaving Paris, his only rebellion was to play all the time. His Mother loved it and loved falling asleep to the soothing music. His Father hated that cursed object and his aunt tried various times to break it, but it never really broke.

The antique violin stuck with Sebastian for years.

Sebastian walked into his room, staring at the object of his affection – his small violin and then picked it up. It was light and familiar in his hands. He pulled it away. His Mother walked inside of the room. Nathalie was biting down her lower lip so bad that it was drawing blood. Not that he can tell with the shade of red her lipstick was.

“Sebastian, don’t continue failing like this,” her voice was soft.

Sebastian shook his head. If he just passed, any college would take him. Money was the answer to all of that. He could give them all they asked for, bribery, but he needed to at least past, even with the smallest decibel. “I do not want to pass anything.”

“Why?” Nathalie whispered. “You are such an intelligent child.”

“If I do, then Blaine will want me to go with him.” Sebastian shook his head. “I don’t want to leave anywhere. I want to sit here all my life.” “Is it a life then?”

Sebastian shrugged and then Nathalie pursed her lips together. “You can be a violinist. Anything, Sebastian, but not nothing…”

“Fine.” Sebastian said.

“Promise?”

Sebastian nodded his head. “Promise,” he said the last bit with pain in his voice. After that encounter, Sebastian realised that his Father didn’t really care about how much pain he was in as long as he had a purpose in life, no matter how meagre. Nathalie talked animatedly towards her new guests already, introducing Sebastian as the best violinist that they’d ever hear. They made Sebastian stand in the study, and he’d play notes for them, and sing along. His voice sounded bland, not as enthusiastic. He did a different version of Uptown Girl, and then this led him down to a trek of memories.

His Mother and her friends were appeased with this. Bad, Smooth Criminal and Stand was after.

He paused in the middle of Glad You Came, gave his smiles towards the audience and said he must be feeling sick, and then left to throw up the only meal he had eaten that day. Nathalie dropped beside him and ran her hand through his hair.

“It’s alright, love,” she didn’t quite understand. “They still love you out there.”

Sebastian nodded his head numbly, and then stood up, before texting Blaine with nimble fingers sore from playing song after song: I’m sorry. I’m stressed.

Blaine answered immediately after: what’s happening to us?

Sebastian chuckled. I don’t know. He honestly responded.

Next time, Sebastian had invited Blaine over to the Lima Bean. He sat alone for an hour before he decided to leave. Just then, Blaine was recognised by one of the blonde workers. “A boy named Sebastian Smythe asked me to give this to you if you ever come.”

Blaine took the coffee cup from her and the muffin, cinnamon, chocolate and-

“Vanilla and white chocolate chip.” The muffin that his Father fed him when he looked like he lost five pounds. He might have lost more. He was so excited about future plans that he had probably forgotten to eat a few times.

Blaine was just leaving when he noticed the medium drip had one note attached to it. Blaine took it, and his heart hurt him. I’m glad you came.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

Talk to me, Blaine had just texted him.

Sebastian rolled his phone in his hand, and placed his violin onto the bedside. His Mother walked in and stared at him with a soft smile on her face. “You should be intently practicing these past few weeks as just a week after your graduation—I’m having this get together and if you manage to impress them, then you will definitely get a job.”

If not, then he was thoroughly fucked. Sebastian knew the latter.

Sebastian called Blaine, and then leaned back down onto his bed. “Blaine?”

“Sebastian,” his voice was soft. “Kurt called me today and told me he still had the promise ring I gave him.”

“Oh?” there was no envy in his voice. Sebastian knew he was fucking lucky to even have Blaine, much less be jealous of some ring that Kurt had given him a year back when they were together.

“I promised to love him and pick up his phone calls and bake him cookies at least twice and year and surprise him. I still do all of those things,” Blaine’s voice was full of nostalgia as he spoke to Sebastian. “Yesterday, I sent him this package of macadamia nut cookies, and I wrote ‘I love you’ onto them, and he called me and I picked him and we just started crying. I don’t…I don’t know why.”

“You loved him enough, Blainey,” Sebastian said, his voice showed no resentment, no jealousy, just hurt. “He just couldn’t love you the same.”

“I made a promise,” Blaine chuckled. “And my heart follows suit.”

“Then let it, Blaine.” Sebastian said. “How do you feel about me?”

“When we kissed before, you said I was losing myself. I was. In you. Now, when we kiss, it’s like we’re losing our senses. I don’t know. I don’t think…I don’t think we’re falling apart. I don’t feel it. I just…I remember Kurt sometimes. I don’t want anyone to be a foreign memory. I made promises to Kurt, and I’ll keep them as long as I live. I know myself, Sebastian.”

“Yes,” Sebastian’s voice was slightly gruff now.

“I promise you, Sebastian.”

“What do you promise me?” Sebastian felt his throat tighten.

“Hope. I’ll hope for you. I’ll be your hope when everything turns to black.”

“I know,” he said after a while. “I know, Blaine.”

Sebastian can almost feel Blaine smile on the other line. “Remember when you lit that fire when we were cold and we did it for the first time and…?”

“I love you.” Sebastian said, cutting him off. “I love you, Blaine.”

Blaine didn’t say anything afterwards. Blaine cleared his throat. “Okay, Sebastian.” He said after a moment.

“I’m in love with you,” Sebastian corrected. “I’m completely and utterly in love with you.”

“I think I’m in love with you too.”

Sebastian’s throat tightened. “That will always be enough for me, Blaine.”

Sebastian heard Blaine sob on the other end of the line as Sebastian held on, hearing him cry as he soothed him with words of promise, memory and tranquil love stories they swapped together.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

The song they’d chosen was Glad You Came done with a mash-up of Stand. It was exactly the same as last year, but because this year, they weren’t expecting them to do the same song, the audience would be baffled. Blaine would lead the Stand part and Sebastian would do Glad You Came.

“It’s ingenious,” Thad said after a while. “Completely ingenious. Nobody would expect it!” he was giddy and acted like a child.

“Calm down, Thaddeus.” Nick muttered. “You don’t want to soil your pants like last time.”

Thad blushed hard as Blaine laughed. “It was chocolate milk! And it was Jeff’s fault! He threw it on me, accidentally!”

Over the clatter of laughter, there was Sebastian shying away. When they were up, the McKinley students were staring at him. Will Schuester was waving towards Blaine and Sebastian. Blaine can spot his Father. Sebastian can spot both his parents and his little sister, Audrey, whom was staring at them with transfixed eyes. They weren’t here last year, but Mother insisted it was ‘one of Sebastian’s last performances’.

Blaine began with the Stand part of the song, sounding overexcited as they did Warbler shuffles and kept to a nice beat. Then Sebastian’s part came to sing, and he began perfectly, before his throat was tightening. Just at the end of the first verse, he knew he couldn’t go on. Compensating, Sebastian spun Nick to the beginning of the stage as if it was deliberately planned and they then began. For the rest of the songs, the Warblers broke tradition and spun each other around just to make it seem as if they were planning this the whole time.

By just at the end of it, Sebastian ran off to the room and then tried to sing. It came out as a strangled yelp of what used to be, as he shut his eyes, fury surfacing.

“Sebastian! What the hell was that!?” David angrily inquired.

“I like it—“Jeff was cut off by Blaine.

“Just leave him alone,” Blaine whispered.

“Oh, of course, defend your boyfriend.” David grunted. “You know, because of him, we’ve suffered too much. The cost was too much and the price was set too high—“

“I can’t sing,” Sebastian angrily stated.

“What do you mean you can’t fucking sing?” David said, clenching his fists together. “You—”

Sebastian tried to sing the lines, but they all came out as screeching sounds, as Sebastian’s voice lowered with every single line. David’s eyes widened and Blaine’s eyes softened as he walked towards Sebastian. Sebastian looked back at Blaine. “Don’t follow me.” His voice was soft as he pecked Blaine’s cheek.

Sebastian stepped out of the room, then out of the hallway. He intended on getting some fresh air, but then stopped in his tracks. “That wasn’t planned.” Sebastian froze at the sound, the sound of Jean Smythe’s voice. Sebastian shook his head.

“No, it wasn’t. I can’t sing anymore.”

Jean laughed. “Of course, you can’t,” he said it as a statement. “Sebastian, you have a beautiful voice but when you have a thousand emotions running through your head, I realise you can’t sing as a child. Then as you grew more apathetic, your voice reached to pitches unimaginable. You weren’t taught to release emotion in voice or music, Sebastian. You know how to by screaming every goddamned second of the day—”

Sebastian was staring down at his feet. “I think I lost Blaine.”

Jean cocked his head to one side.

Sebastian’s heart was hurting him. “I can’t sing. It’s almost like everything is weighing on me. When I’m at my happiest, I can’t sing. When I’m at my lowest, I can’t sing. I used to be okay with singing.” He realised the truth of those words as he tried to say a few lines, but all his brain can function on was the tightness in his chest and the drop in his stomach. He felt like shit, and he sounded like shit, and he’ll probably always sound like shit right now.

That was okay, Sebastian told himself. That night, he went upstairs and ran up, getting his violin. It was all just fine and dandy.

His head was thinking of a thousand things, as he played note after note, and then gave up, throwing the violin on the bedside. He can’t focus on the notes. He can’t focus on making his voice come out as brilliantly as possible. He can’t focus on anything. He can’t even focus on sleeping or eating. He’d lost himself in a vast of what used to be him. Sebastian didn’t realise his fingers was shaking until he saw them and then he heard a strangled cry. He thought he was singing again but then realised he was just crying so hard he was sobbing his heart out. It made him cry even harder that that was how he sounded like when he sung, a man tortured; the screech of a bat. He sounded scary instead of beautiful.

Sebastian stared up into the mirror and didn’t even recognise the broken man that lay before him.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

“Beautiful. Extraordinary.”

The violin instructor chimed as Sebastian grinned up at him. Sebastian ran downstairs, holding his violin that seemed like it was as big as he was, and holding a boy that was taller than he was as the young boy ran into the room to tell his Mother. He found her lying down at bed, with a strange man on top of her and pushing something inside of his Mother.

Sebastian’s mouth dropped as his bow fell to the ground. That was enough to stop them. His Mother was pregnant again a few months again and Sebastian was sure it wasn’t his.

Next time, Sebastian found his Father and asked him what they were doing. He heard Jean and Nathalie fighting and she hit him, and Sebastian hid behind one of the big violins in the study.

His Mother tried to make it better, taking Sebastian into her arms. “We’re going to make dinner now and it’s going to be lovely.”

She laid Sebastian on the counter. “Are you going to play for me?”

Sebastian tried to play. Jean stood by the doorway. His heart hurt him so bad that he can’t focus on making the notes properly. He sounded horrible and his Mother faked a smile. “That was very beautiful,” she kissed his cheek.

Sebastian’s stomach continued to drop. He tried to sing. He always had such a beautiful sound but now, it was coming out in strangles and screeches instead of proper musical tones with pitches and beautiful steadiness. Sebastian bit down his lower lip and tears fell down faster.

Nathalie turned to Jean. “Look at what you’ve done? He’s so upset he can’t even sing or play.”

She gave him a peanut butter and apple sounded. He ate it all up with zeal. The cinnamon threw him off, but then just as he got to the middle of it, he realised he was too empty. No amount of food would fill him up. Why even try? He placed one of the sounds on the plate.

“Jean, Sebastian isn’t eating.”

“That’s not too tragic. The boy is a hundred pounds overweight.”

“Oh, please, you’re a hundred pounds overweight and your eyebrows look like Liberace.”

“He’s not overweight. He’s plump.”

“He’s ten years old, four-foot-six and two hundred and four pounds.”

A few years later, he realises he doesn’t need to feel anything. He grows up spiteful at first. At around thirteen, he’s five-foot-ten and weighs one hundred and four pounds. A hundred pounds less than he did before, exactly. He is a depressed plain child. He hasn’t seen his Mother in ages and he lives with his Father.

Sebastian remembered cutting carrot sticks on his plate. He’s starving and he doesn’t give a damn about his weight. Actually, he didn’t use to think he was fat, just sick looking. His teachers that have seen him grow up before think that he needs help and has an eating disorder. Sebastian laughs. Like he gives a damn about his weight. He does all of this so his Father can take back a sentence that Sebastian still remembers three years ago. He fucking hates carrots. He doesn’t count calories and he’s pretty sure that whatever they are, his diet of lettuce, carrots, cucumber and celery sticks don’t have much of it. The only thing he splurges on is sugar and coffee, and that’s just to keep him going through the day. Sometimes, he does cave in and eat his macaroni and cheese, but not around his Father, and he always goes back to eating the same damn tedious things.

Over the years, Sebastian’s only grown in height and lost weight. The worst of it is when he’s six feet tall and doesn’t weigh over ninety-eight and then his Father finally throws his fist towards the table and screams for him to eat something other than that goddamned lettuce. That’s all Sebastian needs to start eating. If he gains weight, then fuck it. He doesn’t care. He’s proved a point. By the time he’s fourteen, he’s gained sixty pounds in a year and doesn’t give a damn. He doesn’t gain any more weight. He’s 158 and doesn’t care if he gains another twenty pounds because he’ll still be in the healthy region. He grows two more inches in height, and still looks like a “stick” so his Father would say, except this time his Mother doesn’t want to break into tears every time she sees him. His ribs still visibly show except his hipbones aren’t so sharp that when Sebastian runs his hand down them at night, he swears he’s hit a knife.

That’s also the year that Sebastian compensates starving for sex. He has sex, sex, sex, and nobody says anything – neither his parents do – because they believe that Sebastian’s still in shock considering he just realised his Mother’s a lying, cheating whore so he’s only doing what she does. The first time he’s had a boyfriend he’s slept with his brother in a week and they broke up. Sebastian’s boyfriend threatened him with a knife two years later when he’d seen him and that’s the reason they move to Ohio.

When he joins the Warblers, they tell him of this ungodly Blaine and then show him a video of him singing.

When Sebastian hears him sing, he races back home and starts playing his violin two hours after. He starts to sing. Nathalie walks in and is shocked as she tells him he has the voice of an angel. Sebastian’s eyes would be on the videos of Blaine singing. His heart’s lifted from its heaviness and lightness ensured. He’s not so happy that he forgets the words, or so depressed that he can’t even bother to remember them – he’s just in that equilibrium when he’s invincible and can do anything.

When Nathalie makes accidentally makes Sebastian a peanut butter and apple sandwich, he doesn’t even notice as he looks down at his computer, eyes transfixed as Blaine sings with a voice so high that Sebastian’s flying. Sebastian turns around and sings Teenage Dreams, with a sudden burst to sing the very song he’s hearing right now. He feels elated, happy as his eyes stare at the one that’s so sex like a stick and sings like a dream. When Sebastian first lays eyes on Blaine, a million thoughts are racing into his mind as he takes Blaine’s hand pulls him inside the circle.

Sebastian only notices that when Blaine’s eyes glitter towards him, he almost slips up and forgets the words. Nick takes over completely. Sebastian doesn’t care anymore. He’s not the boy that cannot sing that lies in the back of his Father’s car, spiteful, arrogant and angry as he skips dinner for the fifth time that week and weighs himself, smirking whenever he loses half a pound, not caring if he’s gained ten in theory as long as his Father can’t tell as he starves himself to his all-time low. That boy that can’t sing a note if he tried.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

Sebastian curled up into a ball in his room, looking down at his feet. He took a deep breath as he talked to Blaine. He needed to let go of Blaine. Blaine was giving him too much emotion right now. If he ever wanted to let out another song again, he had to let go of Blaine. Would he truly throw away his entire future for a black-haired boy he would never get to see again for the coming ten years? Risk his Father throwing him out and hearing his Mother cry at night because of him?

Instead of facing the issue, Sebastian ran.

He ran and ran until he realised he had skipped dinner and breakfast and he was feeling an onset of dizziness. He placed his hand on the rock and then felt his heart racing, his blood hot in his veins. Before Sebastian knew it, he had blacked out. When he woke up, he realised it was all dark outside. He’d left just before lunch and now, it was dark, meaning he was passed out for hours. He stretched, placing his hand on his hipbones. Suddenly, he felt thirteen again, feeling their forming. He went to get a sugary Pepsi, along with a few bars of chocolate which he now hungrily nipped at as he stood in front of the pharmacy scale, giving his loose change to the machine and allowing it to spit out his height, which had risen only a bit to 6’2.5 and his weight that was just 175 what felt like days ago, but was months ago was now returning to him as 158.

He laughed and then curled up the pharmacy receipt in his bag. It wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t like he was dying at that weight. He’d eaten his bars and drunken all of his Pepsi and even greedily went to his house to drink even more of it. His Mother was standing there, staring at him. He was glad because of his horrible newly built muscle from years of lacrosse, he needed at least forty pounds off him before it even looked like he was losing any weight, but a forty or so pound loss on him would shatter his BMI and land him in the underweight region anyway.

“Sebastian?” Nathalie called out to him. “Where were you?”

“I fainted.” Sebastian just shrugged his shoulder as if it was merely an everyday occurrence.

“Sebastian,” Nathalie sighed and placed a hand on his forehead. “Have you been eating well?”

Sebastian pointed to the Pepsi can in his hand and then drained it. He looked at his phone and realised Blaine had called him. He felt sick again, to the point of bolting up and throwing up the contents of his stomach sick, almost like he couldn’t handle the thought of Blaine and that meant all the stress of the world was coming to him. Suddenly, the sugar in his mouth was too much and he was empty again, slouched out over the bowl. The only thing he can do was drink the miniscule amount of suddenly too-sugary Pepsi and go get himself a cup of coffee, which he tried not to faint again when doing.

When he drank the coffee, his mind was visibly clear as he thought about Blaine back. He had to let go. He just had to let go. These emotions – they were doing things to him, making him vulnerable, making him forget to sleep and eat and making him not care about anything as the pain just settled down in his stomach but for some reason, thinking of leaving Blaine was making him feel much sicker than just staying with him, knowing he’d have to leave, knowing he wouldn’t see him for another ten years at least, knowing that he can’t have sex with anyone for ten years, and he had to rely on petty emails from Blaine and Skype phone calls. It was killing him, thinking that if he wouldn’t be able to physically touch Blaine, he’d be giving Blaine a promise and hope that wasn’t fair to Blaine as he had sex with a thousand men and pretended that it was okay since Blaine wasn’t there.

Sebastian didn’t trust himself. If he hurt Blaine, if he killed Blaine on the inside…it would be the worst, most disgusting thing he’d ever done in his life. Sebastian didn’t trust what he’d do in Blaine’s absence, what his mind would just say: what Blaine doesn’t know won’t kill him for ten years and then pretend everything was okay. He couldn’t live with it if he fucked it up and then won’t tell Blaine any of it when Blaine lived on the fallacy that their relationship was perfect.

I’m sorry. Sebastian typed to Blaine as he called him.

“Sebastian?” Blaine’s voice was soft.

“I’m acting like a completely pretentious ass.”

Blaine laughed. “Reminds you of when we first met, doesn’t it?”

“Honey, look,” Sebastian took a deep breath. “It’s been fun and games,” – until it’s not, “and I’m kinda ready to let go, you know what I mean, babe? You were a fun ride, but that’s all you ever were.”

“…are…are you breaking up with me? And did you just call me a ‘fun ride’?” There was a lot of fury rising up in Blaine’s mouth. “I…did things with you that I wouldn’t do with Kurt and you’re just throwing us away like we were nothing?”

Sebastian’s heart was plunging deep in his chest. “I’m sorry, Blaine.”

“No, you’re fucking not.” Blaine shut the phone and Sebastian felt his heart sink lower and lower until it made its place in his stomach. Go ahead, you fucking idiot. Cry. Cry for him, but when you get up, you’re gonna sing. Sebastian immediately threw himself on his bed, and cried so hard he was pretty sure he’d break into a thousand pieces.

Him and Blaine were the most beautiful melody Sebastian ever made, and he had to end it tonight with a phone call, breaking up their year-long relationship in the span of six minutes and a heartbeat. On the other end of the line, Blaine placed his phone down, confused, dazed and horrified at what seemed like such an honest confession from Sebastian, Blaine pressed his head back down on his pillow.

“Blaine! Time to go to sleep! Get off that fucking laptop!” he heard his Dad call.

He shoved his laptop out of his bed, potentially breaking it, and then shut the lights to his room. He turned around and where he’d had his alarm clock, there was a note he’d clipped there a long time ago: You’re super-hot when you sleep.

Blaine finally allowed himself to cry, and tomorrow, he’ll pick up his laptop and rewrite his statement all over again, which didn’t seem like it mattered anymore.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

“Sebastian’s failing his classes again,” his Mother was holding his report card.

“The boy stopped going to school all together,” Nathalie heard Jean’s irritated voice say. Sebastian had locked his room and now, all Nathalie did was knock on the door just so that her son can drink and eat. He barely ever ate and drank most of the time. Sebastian’s main drinking was the scotch in his room, as he played his violin. Of course, now, he was so empty and numb; he can focus on every note. He’d never gotten them so perfectly. How an empty soul can make such beautiful music…he’ll never quite know.

Sebastian stayed in his room, and didn’t really graduate to say the least. He got an invitation to graduation by a few of the Warblers, none of them being from Blaine. That killed him. He swore to himself that unless he got one from Blaine, he wouldn’t go. Just an hour before graduation, his Mother knocked on the door and told him that someone named Blaine dropped off something. Sebastian saw the graduation invitation, nodded and got ready in less than fifteen minutes. None of his clothes fit. He had to dig through old bags to find the clothes he wore when he starved himself relentlessly, and to his lack of shock, those fit quite well on him, black pants and a hoodie that fit him perfectly. That was painful to think about. Sebastian didn’t want to know how much he weighed, but enough to make his Father grumble, “Sebastian, not again” as Sebastian dashed outside. He felt sick. He was sick. He was starving. He wanted food. He didn’t care how much he ate honestly, but his mind was also transfixed on Blaine for a while. All he had was a case in his arm, and he ran as quickly as he could. He missed most of the ceremony but got to the part where they were announcing the graduates.

After a line of people, Sebastian heard “Anderson, Blaine – majoring in Medicine in Oxford University”. Sebastian smiled and took his picture from where he stood. Blaine was smiling weakly, but didn’t hold the same amount of glee he usually did. When Blaine was done, Sebastian waited for him outside. Blaine was talking animatedly to Nick when he bumped into Sebastian.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine was horrified when he looked at Sebastian. “Are…are you new here? Are you lost?”

Sebastian looked at the full-length mirror that was just behind him. His cheeks were starved even more, his hair unkempt, his eyes vacant, his lips chapped and his body so small that he couldn’t recognise himself either. Sebastian smiled at Blaine and just shrugged his shoulders.

“Are you an anorexic?” Jeff finally quipped as Sebastian laughed.

“No,” Sebastian glared at him, disguising his voice slightly. He didn’t want to ruin Blaine’s big day with his actual presence, even if he did send him the invitation. “I just don’t eat when I’m upset.” “Awee,” Jeff hugged him as tightly as he could. “I eat when I’m upset! And so does Blaine! Blaine doesn’t gain fat weight though because he exercises a lot and goes to boxing classes so all the weight gains goes to his muscles! Hey, Blaine, you can bench-press our friend!”

“You play?” Blaine said, looking at the violin.

Sebastian nodded his head. “Do you want to hear?”

Blaine nodded his head as Sebastian started to play for a bit. He got lost in the tune. He wasn’t in much pain anymore. He had a mindless, empty existence. The Blaine in front of him was not his, and the thought of having something so beautiful and loving something so brilliant had disappeared from his mind. Blaine’s eyes widened. “That’s amazing. How long have you been playing for?”

“Since I was nine,” Sebastian smiled weakly. “My Mother wants me to be a violinist and my Father wanted me to play an instrument.”

“You look like someone I know,” Blaine said, looking at Sebastian.

“Jack from the Nightmare Before Christmas,” David sarcastically said. “They have the same figure.”

“Blaine!” Kurt ran up to him, hugging him as tightly as ever before. Blaine looked back at the boy before them. “Um…is he new?” Kurt curled up his lower lip in his mouth.

Sebastian nodded, as his heart filled with heaviness. “Kurt.” He said after a moment, and then shook the real Kurt’s hand.

“Odd. My name is Kurt. I didn’t think it was a very common name.�� Kurt finally stated. “Well, then, nice to meet you, Kurt?”

“You should listen to him play.” Sebastian smiled weakly, but then shook his head. “I want to leave now.” He can’t play even if he wanted to. He went back home, saw his Mother prepared one of his favourite meals, had five bites, and then took his drink upstairs with him, making her sigh. “Sebastian! Don’t let me take you to an eating disorder clinic!”

“I don’t care about my weight, Mother. The only ‘symptom’ I have of an eating disorder is the fact that food isn’t something I want to eat right now for lack of enjoyment of anything in my life.” Sebastian said. He didn’t care about his weight. There was no set calorie limit and any time he threw up – which he had been doing a lot lately – was because he had a weak stomach, not because he was deliberately doing it himself. He just wanted to lie down and think of Blaine all the time, so he did. He let himself think of Blaine, but the next day, he swore he wouldn’t. He woke up, with the thought of going to the Lima Bean.

He ordered a fattening mocha drink thing and didn’t even care. Joseph was holding a muffin for him. “You need more than a muffin then, Sebastian.”

“You recognised me.”

“By the snide remark you gave to the cashier about her hair.” Joseph finally explained, and then stared at him. “You broke my son’s heart.”

Sebastian chuckled. “I know,” his voice was full of pain though. “Ten years. Ten years on a medical programme. How can he trust me for that long?”

Joseph shrugged. “Blaine can be a trusting person sometimes.”

Sebastian sighed. “I don’t trust myself for that long. I’d break his heart, so better not allow ten years of love and fake promises before it breaks. Now, Blaine can handle it. Ten more years? Probably will never. It’ll devastate him. It’ll kill him.”

“Of course, so that’s why you’re killing yourself.” Sebastian winced slightly as he looked down at the muffin in his hand. “Blaine really liked you, tried to convince me you’re a good guy and all, and you are.”

“I can’t play around Blaine anymore. Or sing.”

Joseph raised an eyebrow.

“I just physically can’t because of I was too depressed, I couldn’t focus on the notes. If I was too happy, I couldn’t focus on the notes or the song or the lyrics, or anything. It’s like…”

Like you lost yourself.

Sebastian shut his eyes and Joseph stared back at him. “You alright?”

Sebastian slowly nodded his head, even though his heart was clenching in his chest and he couldn’t speak. He ate the rest of his muffin and drained a fourth of his coffee. “Good talking to you, Mr Anderson.”

Just as Sebastian was about to leave, Joseph said, “If he calls, I’ll let you know.”

Sebastian nodded. “Thank you,” his voice was soft.

104.2.

That was what his damned scale told him. Except he was just about 6’2.5 and this was practically not what he was supposed to weigh unless he was on a suicide mission. He just couldn’t physically do anything. He hadn’t showered in three weeks. He didn’t care enough to. It was a struggle to drag himself to do anything. His violin was there, but he felt like he had no purpose without the music. He can’t listen to a song because music had become a nuisance. He called Blaine. When Blaine didn’t answer and it went straight to voicemail, Sebastian smiled.

“Blaine…” his voice was low and he broke into tears. He had never felt so vulnerable and stupid in his life, as he laid his phone back down, shutting it down and wanting to break it.

“Sebastian, get out of there! I haven’t seen your face in weeks!” Jean snapped.

“You don’t want to!” Sebastian snapped back. “I’m not taking a fucking shower for anyone! I’m not eating for anyone! I’m not sleeping for anyone!”

“What do you do in that fucking room then…?”

Sebastian chuckled. “Nothing.” He realised just how insane that sounded but then shrugged. “I don’t do anything. I just lay down here and think of Blaine all of my damn time.”

“…what a moron.”

Sebastian sighed, took a shower, got himself an ice-cold Pepsi and drank it. He tried to eat as much as he could of his Mother’s meal, but he got physically sick just at half of it and had to lie down. He can play beautifully and perfectly. Everyone loved hearing him, but there was always the chance of him collapsing when he stood to play, or sing. He got a few people to allow him to play in weddings and orchestras. It was good entertainment. When he had a night he had to play in, that was when he usually showered, ate, bathed and slept properly so he didn’t look like personified Hell.

Nathalie kissed his forehead. “There you go. Smile and you’ll feel better.”

Sebastian put on his fakest smile. Guess who didn’t feel any better?

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

Sebastian’s weight was steady after he hit ninety-five and he was glad. If he lost any more weight, he was sure he was dead. Nobody wanted to fuck him anyway. They all thought they’d break him if they thrust into him. Sebastian laughed to himself joylessly. On a visit to London, Sebastian debated whether or not to call Blaine whose was doing his amazing degree.

Nathalie sighed. “Dear God, Sebastian, it’s been nine and a half years.”

Another half of a year and Blaine would be done. Nathalie took him here to make Sebastian ‘get help’. How nicely put. Sebastian stepped inside of his therapist’s office and then lied down on a chair. He heard the door crack open and was almost knocked down by Blaine’s beautiful voice. “I’m sorry I’m not qualified yet. I’m a student but…” Blaine stopped. He looked even more beautiful when Sebastian last saw him. “Kurt? From graduation?”

“You remember a random stranger from nine years back?” Sebastian smirked at him.

“You got even thinner. Much thinner.” Blaine unsteadied himself. “You look really, really sick.”

Sebastian shrugged. “ Blaine.”

“That voice…” Blaine stopped as he slid down beside him, tears into his eyes. Sebastian pulled his arms around and Blaine pulled himself into them as he sobbed. “Sebastian.”

Blaine stared back at him. “What happened to you?”

“I reduced myself,” Sebastian shrugged. “To about ninety-five.”

“Pounds?” Blaine said, aghast as Sebastian nodded his head numbly. “Why?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Why bother with food?”

“How about living? Staying alive?” Blaine quipped in that too-high authority-filled voice that was something he’d gotten from Kurt.

“I eat for pleasure. If I can’t find pleasure in what I eat, why bother eating at all? I sleep so I can rest, not so I can wake up feeling ten thousand times more tired, so why bother sleeping unless absolutely necessary?” Sebastian said, as Blaine pulled his head in his hands.

“Did you ever love me?”

Sebastian laughed. “Blaine, you’re the only one that I’ve ever loved.”

“Why lie?” Blaine said, looking down at his feet.

“Because do you honestly trust me to be on my own for ten years without holding you, or sleeping with you or kissing you or seeing you—?”

“Did you?” Sebastian’s eyes suddenly filled with realisation. “No,” his voice was soft as Blaine laid his head on Sebastian’s chest.

“You’re an idiot.” Sebastian held him back as tightly as he could. They stared at each other for a moment as Blaine pulled his lips towards Sebastian’s, sealing it all with a kiss. “Your Father told you,” Sebastian snorted and Blaine slowly nodded his head, as he gave him another kiss.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

They stayed like that for a year later.

Blaine was looking down and placing a hand on Sebastian’s stomach. “Do you love doing this?” Sebastian hissed as Blaine nodded. “Great God. It’s like I got back together with you so you can feed me five servings of lasagne a day.”

“You like my cooking.” Blaine pestered as he poked at Sebastian’s stomach. “You’re still really thin.”

“We can’t all gain ten pounds in a day, Blaine,” Sebastian said and then shrugged. “I suppose it’s all the activities we do in bed.” Blaine kissed Sebastian as he laid a hand on Blaine’s shoulder. Sebastian pulled away and then gave him a periodically soft smile. “I have to leave soon again. My Mother wants me back and I have a wedding in Canada to play in.”

“Can you?”

Sebastian nodded his head.

Blaine laid his head on Sebastian’s shoulder. “What if the next time we see each other is ten years from now and I’m just a mess?”

“Then we’ll love each other and it’ll all be okay again, you whore,” Sebastian muttered and Blaine laughed as he yawned.

A day before Sebastian had to leave; they had sex near the fire. Sebastian recognised the tone of every song on the radio. They shared a kiss in the airport.

That would be the last time Blaine will physically see Sebastian in his life.

He didn’t really mind. Blaine waited intently in the mail and found a tape in the mail. He smiled and then pulled the cassette. He played the tape and Sebastian’s violin filled the room like an unforgotten gravenimage that Blaine will take to his grave.

Maybe years later, Joseph Anderson might check the tape and realise it wasn’t real music. He would play it backwards, and realise that through the midst of Sebastian playing, he could hear the soft whisper of:

Blainey, like we lost ourselves.Blaine Anderson had been staring at the selection of pastries and desserts assorted in front of him. Just before he can try to narrow down his choices, a middle-aged man with a bit of grey on the back of what used to be luscious black hair, a good substandard amount of pudge around his belly, and stubby fingers had been holding a brown paper bag in one hand and an order of a latte in the other.