#Saved. Even my kindness is selfish. So i csnt accept anything nice anyone says about me. It isnt true they do not know anything if they did
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I know im a broken record but I really just wish I could find some happiness or at least peace that lasts for more than 5 mins when I'm alone
#miranda talking shit#Negative#I just want someone to love and who loves me and to live with them with a cat or two#But im so broken and i cant see anyone mangaing to be with me for more than a month before noping the fuck out#Being told from all places that 'things will get better ' when you've been feeling this way since you were 13 and having had sucidal thought#Since you were 8 is like... Uh... Its been 10 years i.... I have just aged and lost my youth to my illness haha....#Having to come to terms with the fact that youre probably going to be one of those people who doesnt get a good ending is hard#I always love and wish the best for everyone i meet and want to help them but im... Not ever going to find anyone that want that for me#And even if i did i guess i would just deny it or not accept it because i have no right to any love because im like this. Im disappointing#My mom every year that goes by because i cant get an good enough grip of taking care of myself and doing the bare minimum to be alive ... So#I can study or work like hahahah how lame is that? I just want to convince my own brain that i deserve to be alive even if its an pathetic#Life. But it's been over 10 years with medication therapy three different schools and thousands of doctor visits but its the same im the sam#I cant escape the thoughts that i am long overdue. I have expired. Im the rotten fruit left in the fruit isle at a store thats a danger to#All other fruits. I need to die already so i don't make it harder for everyone else. And i have the audacity to feel bad and sad over not#Being loved... The fucking nerve is mind blowing. I hate this i do. And then I'm not bad enough to not consider others feelings if i kms or#Cut mself so i have no way of escaping it. My guilt is literally trapping me here and also wanting me dead its so inlogical i would laugh it#If it wasnt my real state of existence. Everyone has trauma theyre dealing with so why cant i just do it? Because im pathetic and weak obv#Anyone saying im kind is just so untrue too. Im thinking and feeling empathy for anything that is helpless because i am and wish i could be#Saved. Even my kindness is selfish. So i csnt accept anything nice anyone says about me. It isnt true they do not know anything if they did#They wouldn't be able to even look at me. I guess this is all punishment for something i have done in a previous life. I wish I could know#Because having s reason behind all this shit would make my state of mind easier. If theres no reason behind anything then im one excuse low#In my existence and i am just so done with hitting myself against this wall over and over#No not a wall its a box because even if i try other things the feeling remain and i am unable to leave#I am thinking about dying and ending it on a daily basis but everytime someone ask ill say im okay because in that moment they are there#With me so technically i am. But my okay is not okay. My version of okay isnt alright but no one can change it and it would just make the#Other person feel bad so im just fine... Im okay... Nothing happened ...
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