#Sarah simons internet mum

[shubblelive]

imagine having your own mother look you dead in the eyes and say “jack manifold is better than you” like i think i’d crumple

[perriwinklesblog]

Motherinnit is a blessing to the internet

So is Mumza.

Love that they’ve both picked up streaming.

I love it.

[lmanburgseulogy]

Wilbur and Tommy were trying to decide what to name l’manburg, and Tom just goes “I’ll go ask my mom.” And then Wilbur just becomes obsessed with getting Sarah Simons, internet mum, to name his country-

But she’s downstairs watching the “telly” so he can’t go.

She could’ve chosen a way better name honestly

[maevefiction]

Your Light in the Mist - Chapter 39

I dumped my bag and the baked goods on the counter, then leaned back against it.

“He never joins your family for the holidays? But this year…he IS? Did someone tell him that you all know what he did? What the actual fuck, man?”

He shook his head. “Em and Sarah insist they haven’t said a word, and I sure as hell haven’t, and I don’t think Mum has…so we’re all completely blown out of the water by this. He called Mum earlier and essentially said ‘I’ve decided to join you Thursday and Friday’ and that was that. After the divorce, he showed up two years running, but once Em was ten he decided that his presence was no longer necessary because Christmas was for children and surely she’d grown past such foolishness by then. He never even bothered to show up last year, when Sarah and Ansh were finally able to join us at Christmas for the first time since having Saachi.”

I crossed my arms. “So, he doesn’t turn up for a first Christmas with his only grandchild but this year, he does? Is it because she’s a little older, maybe? Eh, that sounds ridiculous so I’ll say that is totally not the reason. What’s your take on this? Any ideas?”

His gaze fell to the floor, then returned to my face. I didn’t wait for him to speak.

“Oh for fuck’s sake you think it’s me, don’t you?” My arms uncrossed, one hand rising to my forehead and resting there, palm down. “But WHY? Why does he give even the remotest shit about you and I, if he hasn’t cared about anything else…OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT IS ME, isn’t it? Jesus…listen, babe, if you want me to sit this one out…”

Closing the distance between us, he took me in his arms, resting his chin on the top of my head. “Not. A. Chance. If you don’t feel comfortable going, I’m staying right here with you.” He leaned back, staring into my eyes. “And yes, I do think it’s related to you in some way. I just can’t quite figure out how or why.”

“Is that what your mother thinks? Is that who you were talking to?”

His head shook again. “No, that’s not what she thinks…I was talking to her and my sisters on a conference call. None of them know what to think. They’re just trying to figure out how to flow with it and not let it ruin the holiday. Which is a challenge and a half, after this past summer.”

I released him and grabbed the bakery bag from behind me. “Let’s have some cookies and put on our thinking caps and try and puzzle this out.”

A dozen over-sized chocolate chip delights and an hour later, we were no closer to solving the equation, likely because, as Tony Stark explained in the Avengers, we didn’t have all the variables.

Tom’s head was in his hands, elbows on the dining table amongst the crumby mess we’d made, and he spoke without looking up. “Bottom line is no matter what the man throws at you, IF he throws anything at you, that is…I know you can handle it, Maude. You on your weakest day is a thousand times more powerful than him on his strongest.”

As he glanced through his fingers at me, across the table, I raised a brow. “Uh, a thousand? Hyperbolize much, Tom?”

He sat up, smiling. “I do not. You simply underestimate your strength, my love.”

I rolled my eyes. “Puh-leaze. Stop it. Honestly, it’s all totally confusing and makes no sense and I’m slamming myself up against a logic wall at this point. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Which, as you know, fucking drives me bat crap crazy so…feel like going out for some burgers and wrapping supplies?”

Standing, he stretched, arms up toward the ceiling, his lower belly and happy trail peeking at me yet again. It was a view I would never tire of, for sure. When my eyes made their way up to his face, he was grinning. Caught, I was…red handed. Eyed? Something.

“That sounds perfect, actually. I’ll go put some pants on.”

I bit my lip. “Good. You do that. I’m going to use the facilities.” His mouth opened, but I cut him off. “I’m PEEING. Nothing else, you bastard. I am capable of restraint, you know.” A chuckle. “Oh, MAN…”

He jogged up the stairs, and shortly thereafter we were out the door and on our way.

****************************************

My alarm went off at six AM on Wednesday, and I left Tom all warm and naked in our bed to grab a cheese danish and a cup of tea before heading downstairs. I’d wrapped my gifts for him last night, having locked myself in the over-crowded spare room. At points I could hear him breathing heavily outside the door, and knew he was doing it on purpose to distract me in hopes of getting a look at what I’d gotten for him. He gave up after three attempts, and I was able to continue in peace. Diana had come to my aid, providing me with a list of all she could recall of the Jurassic Park toys Tom had played with as a child. One by one I’d tracked them down on eBay and had them sent to the office, and Simon had hidden them for me in our flat while we’d been gone. I’d even managed to score the rare Electronic T-Rex, Jungle Explorer Vehicle and the Command Compound, new and sealed in their boxes. The action figures weren’t quite as hard to find, and I’d gotten a set that included five of the main characters still in their original packaging. In addition to those, as a sort of gag-but-not-really gift, I’d found a very cool strap-on set that included six dildos, sized from kinda small to bigger than Tom’s own cock. THAT one I put off to the side so I wouldn’t accidentally bring it with us to Diana’s house…plus, I was hoping he would want to try it out, like, immediately after opening it. Part of me wanted to save it for Loki’s next visit, but I’d been thinking about it for months, and he’d mentioned it several times, so, no time like the present, right? The pièce de résistance was obtained via the most convoluted network of human beings I’d ever had to wrangle, a daisy chain that included Stephen Spielberg which had started with me and ended with Harrison Ford writing a letter and signing one of the fedoras he’d worn in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The only downside was that I was aware that it was likely a feat I would never, ever be able to top.

The shipment arrived as scheduled, eight AM on the dot, and the driver even schlepped it all downstairs for us. Everything had been prepped and ready to go, so Trudy and I set about getting all the servers in place so they’d be ready to connect once the utility company was done installing the T1 line…they’d turned up just after we’d opened the cartons. Everyone else was off for the day, so we cranked some tunes while we set up the network itself and installed all the software. As soon as our internet was accessible, we updated the newly-installed software, then began adding our own. Trudy and I had written the client management program together, though the base code was hers alone. It had functioned perfectly during previous testing, so we focused mainly on it running cross network and left it at that. Tom brought us lunch at around two, and after our break we dove into external DNS access, connectivity and security protocols. It was the most time-consuming and intricate part of the process, but by midnight we had a functional, locked down system that was ready for intensive testing, which was set to begin first thing Monday morning. From the look on Trudy’s face, though, I was reasonably sure that she’d be at it over the weekend if she got the chance. The only other remaining obstacle, other than testing, was the installation of security devices and alarms, and the company providing us with those was scheduled to come in on Tuesday. We celebrated our victory by inhaling an entire bag of truffles, high fiving each other and bragging about how we’d accomplished in a single day what Mark hadn’t been able to achieve in months. It was just after one AM when I dragged myself upstairs, then up the flat’s steps, stripped, and crawled in next to a slumbering Tom…and I would have thought he’d remained there for the entire day if it weren’t for the fact that he’d brought Trudy and I lunch.

Thursday afternoon found us on the road, quickly nearing Oxford, gifts tucked into the trunk of the Jaguar, our season’s greetings having been exchanged with Luke and Simon right before we’d left. They were spending the holiday with Luke’s parents, and Roland would be joining them for Boxing Day. U2 performing Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) was on the radio, and I was watching Tom’s hands as he manipulated the steering wheel. An elegant man guiding an elegant machine. The brief feeling of positivity about the holiday I’d experienced on Tuesday had faded after the whole ‘dad’s coming’ thing, and I really, really felt like asking him to turn around so we could go back home and have our own private, peaceful Christmas….but I knew he’d say yes, and I didn’t want to be the one responsible for him missing out on time with his family, which, in spite of all the insanity, had always been precious to him, even more so since he’d started travelling for his career.

He turned to me, smiling. “All set for your first holiday with the future in-laws?”

“Sure. Yep. You betcha.”

His right hand left the wheel and pressed gently into my thigh. “I’m sorry it’s gone a bit off the rails, my love.”

I snorted. “When we write our joint biography, that’s SO going to be the title.”

“Oh, I like that. Fitting.”

“Unlike this damn bra.” I reached down the V-neck of my blood-red sweater and shifted my boobs back into place. The color was the closest I could force myself to come to being festively dressed, whereas Tom was wearing a bright green monstrosity that his mother had given him last Christmas. Apparently, that was her thing…new holiday sweaters for everyone each year. Shaking my head, I reminded myself to be grateful that it wasn’t one of the infamous UGLY Christmas style sweaters, and also that I needed to say a hearty thank you and pretend to like the one that was surely lying in wait for me to open tomorrow. I heard a car horn honk, and realized that Tom had drifted off to the side of the road because he was staring at my tits. “Dude. Eyes on the road. EYES ON THE ROAD.”

“I know, I know. Sorry. But surely you can’t expect me to look away when you’re fiddling with them so artistically and they’re shifting around with such buoyance like…like…”

“Like, boobs?”

He nodded. “Yes. Boobs. Do shut up now, Maude. Safety first, you know.”

“Oh, safety…speaking of, you know this seat belt really rubs against them something fierce…”

“Behave, lest Father Christmas decides you belong on the naughty list after all.”

I sighed in mock exasperation. “You are really, really mean, you know? But let’s be real, I’ve GOT to be on that naughty list already because what I bought YOU is…”

“NO SPOILERS. WE AGREED NO SPOILERS.”

“But it’s…”

“My lord, woman, NO. NO NO NO NO NO.”

I chuckled, then reached over to rest my hand on the nape of his neck, rubbing gently with my thumb. “No spoilers, babe. I promise.” He moaned quietly as I pressed harder. “How are you coping with this? It’s all strange and new for me, but you’re used to it being a certain way. You okay?”

His right hand returned to my thigh as he turned onto the street that would take us to his childhood home. “You’re right, I am accustomed to the holidays being as they’ve always been since he stopped coming, and if I’m honest, it’s been vastly better that way. But it is what it is, and I’m just going to focus on the fact that it’s our first Christmas together and…well…fuck everything else.”

“Fuck everything else. Couldn’t have said it better myself.”

He grinned, rotating the wheel to the right as he pulled into the driveway, two other cars already neatly parked in front of the garage. “No, you couldn’t have…because it’s essentially the exact phrasing you would have chosen, is it not?”

“You are correct, sir. Did you perchance buy me a thesaurus for Christmas so I can expand my vocabulary?”

He put the car in park, leaned over and bit my neck. “I did no such thing. I happen to both admire and adore your vocabulary. Especially your habitual overuse of things like ‘oh yes’ and ‘oh god’ and ‘fuck me’.”

I bit my bottom lip and smiled, left brow raised. “I love you, you ridiculously horny dork.”

He laughed and pinched my cheek. “Lobbing that right back at you.”

We were grabbing our first load of stuff from the trunk when the yelling started. It was faint at first, and high pitched, and then I saw an adorable tiny human running towards us.

“Uncle Tommy! Happy Christmas! Happy Christmas!”

She was gorgeous, big dark eyes, dark brown hair, two shoulder-length braids bouncing and flying out behind her as she drew closer. I knew she was four, and thought she was probably of average height for that age, but in truth I had no fucking idea because children were like creatures from another planet to me. The way Tom squatted down to catch her in his arms then lifted her up, first spinning her, then popping her onto his shoulders and running a few laps around the driveway as he screamed ‘yay’ right along with her made my heart melt, and when I imagined him doing the same thing with our own child, I found it hard to breathe. Tom ran back to me, Saachi still on his shoulders, both of them grinning like fools. An unfamiliar voice caused me to inhale sharply, and I saw a woman approaching us quickly. She was about my height, though I was wearing my Diva Darcies so that stacked the deck a bit, slender, bearing a strong resemblance to Tom but with a different nose, a good amount of visible freckles across her cheeks and strawberry-blonde hair. I’d only seen her in pictures until this moment, and her hair had been much longer, down to her waist, as opposed to the chin-length bob she was sporting was now…but there was no doubt it was Sarah.

“Saachi, what did we decide? We decided that we’d wait for Uncle Tom and Aunt Maude to come INSIDE before throwing ourselves at them, did we not?”

Aunt Maude. Not helping with the breathing difficulties. Sarah strode toward me first, arms wide open, wrapping me in a snug embrace that I was barely able to return. She pulled back, hands grasping my forearms as she looked me up and down, smiling beatifically.

“Maude, it’s so nice to finally meet you. I’d like to formally welcome you to the insanity that is every single Hiddleston holiday. And pretty much every Hiddleston gathering, come to think of it.” Her hands slid down to hold mine, lifting the left one up to examine my ring. “My word, this is so unique and stunningly elegant.” She released me as she turned to Tom. “Well done, little brother. Saachi, have you said hello to Aunt Maude yet?”

Saachi shook her head, and Tom lifted her off his shoulders and placed her gently on the ground. She held out one tiny hand, looking up at my shyly. “Hello, Auntie Maude. ‘S nice to meet you.”

I leaned down and took her hand in mine, shaking very gently, terrified that I’d somehow break her. “Hi Saachi. It’s nice to meet you too.”

She paused, glancing down at my feet then back up at my face, nodding, still holding my hand. “I like your shoes. Come inside and help us decorate the tree. Grandma has lots of pretty things we have to hang today so Father Christmas will come tonight.”

And with that, I was led up the driveway by the adorable tiny human, her mother and uncle following behind me, both giggling, their arms around each other’s waists.

An incredibly handsome man with dark hair to his shoulders and nearly-black eyes was waiting in the doorway. He squatted down, hands on the knees of his jeans. “Well, my Saachi, I see you’ve brought us a new friend. Thank you.” He ruffled her hair as he stood, then extended his hand toward me. “Hello, Maude. I’m Ansh, but you likely knew that already. Lovely to meet you.”

We shook briefly, as Saachi was tugging on my other hand. “Good to meet you as well, Ansh. I’d stay and chat but I think someone has other plans…”

He laughed. “She always has some sort of plan. Gets that from her mother.”

Sarah and Tom had caught up to us, and she reached out and slugged Ansh in the shoulder. “If I didn’t always have a plan, where would you be, Ansh? Back home, that’s where. At the airport, eight hours late.”

He kissed her cheek. “You speak the truth, my love. I am grateful for your plans. Unquestionably.”

She chuckled, and they led the way into the living room. Saachi pulled me forward, and Tom took hold of my other hand. The staircase had been done up with fresh pine garland and white lights, and the tree was directly ahead, at the front-facing portion of the living/drawing room. It had white lights as well, and plastic tubs full of decorations were scattered around it, and on the closest couch as well. Diana was bent over one of the tubs, Emma was holding another and rummaging through it, and behind her was David, her fiancé. She’d shown me pictures of him on her phone, and I hadn’t thought he’d be so tall…same height as Tom, stockier build, and an honest-to-goodness genuine ginger with green eyes. He’d taken a single step toward me when Diana and Em noticed we’d arrived, both rushing ahead of David to dole out hugs. Diana reached me first, and Saachi let go of my hand in order to move out of the way, skipping over to stand at her mother’s side.

“Maude! Welcome, welcome! I’m so glad you came.” She squeezed me, then kissed my cheeks. “You look beautiful in that color. How are you? How’s your new project coming along?” Laughing and shaking her head, she released me. “You can answer over dinner…I’m sure you and Tom want to finish unloading the car and getting everything up to your room. Same as last time for you both so you have your own bath. Sarah and Ansh are in my room, Em and Dave are in Sarah’s old room, James will be in Em’s old room, and I’m in Tom’s.”

I could feel my eyes widen, remembering what havoc we’d wreaked on Tom’s bed during our last visit. “You know, we’d be just fine in Tom’s room…”

Diana grinned slyly. “No, no, it’s all right. I’ll be perfectly comfortable in the new double I had put in last week. Long overdue, truthfully. That old single had seen far better days.” She winked at me, and I tried to not die on the spot as she switched places with Em, who stared at my rapidly reddening cheeks, then giggled as she embraced me, whispering in my ear.

“Never underestimate Mum’s ability to find things out, Maude. She’s like Sherlock, but…worse.”

We released each other, my neck and chest now flushed as well. “Oh. My. God. Sooo…does EVERYONE know we broke the bed? Distant relatives? Friends from work? Random strangers? Should I start wearing a ski mask when I’m out in public?”

Em doubled over, laughing. “Oh, Maude…you are hilarious.”

Tom and Diana had separated, her attention diverted to Saachi, who was peeking out from behind Diana’s legs and waving at me. I waved back, feeling Tom’s hand come to rest on my lower back.

“What’s hilarious, Em?”

She pointed at me, trying to compose herself and failing. “Her. Ask her. I can’t.”

And with that I grabbed Tom, pulling him back toward the door. “Let’s get the rest of the stuff now, m’kay?”

As soon as we were outside he turned his head in my direction, in step with me as we headed for the car. “So, does our hasty exit have something to do with what was hilarious?”

I nodded. “Yup.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“And I thought this was the part where you tell me what was…”

“Your mother knows we broke your bed.”

We’d reached the car, and he had the keys in his hand, ready to open the trunk, but promptly dropped them onto the pavement upon hearing my words. His mouth hung open, then snapped shut before he reached down to pick them up, then spoke.

“I’m sorry…what was that again?”

“Your mother. She knows. That we broke your childhood bed. While having sex.”

He leaned on the car for support. “Well fuck ME.”

I snorted. “Exactly the root of the problem.”

He shook his head, eyes wide, now standing erect, hands out to the side at shoulder level. “And to think I spent all those years managing to not get caught tossing off, yet a single visit home with you…”

“Mmm hmm. Sorry, sunshine...joke all you like, but I have no idea how I’m going to go back in there.”

He reached out a hand, which I grudgingly accepted, then pulled me into his arms. “I’ll be right there with you, by your side, your eternal partner in familial mortification. We’ll take the mickey together.”

I sighed, gazing up at him. “This isn’t ever going to go away, is it?”

“Oh, no. Never. We’ll be a hundred and fifty and they’ll still be going on about it.” His eyes closed briefly. “My mother knows I had vigorous sex in my childhood bedroom with my wife-to-be. That’s not so awful, is it? I mean, it’s obvious that we HAVE sex, is it not? We’re adults, in our thirties, we live together…one should assume…”

“And your sister. Don’t forget about your sister. And probably your other sister. And…”

“Good lord, my sisters. Get in the Jag, my love…next stop, home.”

I pulled him down to me, kissing him gently at first, then sucking his bottom lip into my mouth. He groaned when I released him.

“Maude.”

“What?”

“Now I’m sporting a raging hard-on. Lovely accompaniment to my other problem, that.”

Grinning, I took the keys from him and opened the trunk, loading myself up with bags. “Figured maybe that would give them something else to discuss besides the bed, you know?”

“Fantastic.”

“I thought so, anyway.”

He rested one hand on my shoulder and I turned to find his face an inch from mine. “My mother knows I have sex.”

I nodded. “Your mother knows you have sex with ME. We’re just going to pretend this never happened and if anyone mentions it I’m going to feign a fainting spell and you can carry me out to the car and we’ll escape. Sound like a plan?”

“Yes, but then they’re likely to think you’re pregnant…”

“Shut the fuck up, Tom.”

Laughing, he kissed my cheek and grabbed the remainder of our luggage. “Yes, ma’am. Will do."

****************************************

We shot right upstairs to our room upon re-entry, sat on the bed for a few minutes, then walked down the stairs to meet our fate. Everyone was busy decorating, and we helped hang ornaments, Saachi picking them out and instructing me where to place them. Just when I thought we were in the clear, Tom pressed against me from behind to put a fragile bauble higher up and I lost my balance, falling forward and almost taking out the eight foot spruce. He caught me by quickly wrapping one arm around my waist, but the tree was left shaking like mad.

Sarah broke the brief silence that followed in my clumsy dork wake. “Easy there, you two. Beds we’ve aplenty, but there’s only one tree.”

Everyone burst out laughing, including the man holding my sorry ass up…though he tried to disguise it, I could feel his chest vibrating against my back. I was in the middle of turning around to take a bow when the doorbell rang and the room fell silent yet again.

Diana cleared her throat and spoke, her voice bright and cheery. “Well, that’s Dad, then. I’ll see him in.”

My eyes met Tom’s, then noted him swallowing repeatedly before smiling at me. I stood at his side, our arms around each other’s waists, waiting, listening to distant voices that drew ever closer until their source came into full view. Tom’s father was around his height, strikingly handsome, hair gone completely white. I could see bits of Tom in his face, and similarities in the way he held himself. Elegant, just shy of regal. He was wearing a light blue button down shirt under a navy blazer, paired with khaki slacks and toffee brown deck shoes. His accent, though not as strong as it likely was before relocating to England, was still present, and the melodic Scottish lilt combined with the pitch of Tom’s voice reminded me of Sean Connery.

“Hello, all. Happy Christmas.”

His greeting seemed to hang in the air, creating an undercurrent of tension, awkwardness and uncertainty. No one replied, except for Saachi.

“Happy Christmas, Granddad. Your hair is very white. Mummy says we’ve met before but I don’t remember because I was a baby then and babies aren’t good at remembering.”

He went to her instantly, squatting down before her and taking her hand, then planting a kiss on the top of it.

“My, you’ve grown into a beautiful young lass, Saachi. I’m very glad to see you.”

She giggled and pulled her hand away, eyes narrowing. “Have you brought me a present?”

Sarah groaned. “Saachi, remember your manners, please.” James stood, and Sarah embraced him tentatively. “Hello, Dad. Good to see you.”

Ansh garnered a handshake, as did Dave, and Em was the recipient of a hug, which she returned with visibly shaking hands. That left Tom. And me. James closed the distance between himself and us in four striding steps. He reached out and patted Tom’s upper arm.

“Thomas. How are you, son?”

Tom returned the gesture. “Fantastic, Dad. You?”

James nodded. “Quite well, quite well.” He turned to me. “And you must be Maude.”

I faked a smile. “Lovely to meet you, Mr. Hiddleston.” When I extended my hand, he accepted and shook vigorously.

“The feeling’s mutual. And please, call me James.”

I nodded as he released me and turned to Diana. “I believe I was promised some of your famous fish and chips, Di. It’s been far too long…”

She rolled her eyes. “All battered, the fryer’s been ready for an hour, waiting on you.”

He laughed, she laughed, and the rest of just stared at each other, heads tilted like a pack of confused puppies.

Dinner was delicious, but the undercurrent of strangeness permeated the atmosphere. Desert was assorted puddings served with coffee and tea, as well as the sugar cookies Diana had baked and decorated to make me feel more at home, as it wasn’t part of their tradition. Saachi decided that from that point on, they would be. She began to doze off at nine-thirty or so as we all sat in the living room after a round of caroling, her head bobbing and finally coming to rest on Sarah’s upper arm. Ansh scooped her up, and when she woke briefly she mumbled something about presents then was out cold again. When he and Sarah came back downstairs after tucking her in, James cleared his throat and stood, moving to the center of the horseshoe of couches, hands extended, palms up as he addressed the room.

“Well then. I’d imagine you’re all wondering what in heaven’s name I’m doing here, and I aim to explain as best I can, but wanted to wait until the little one was off to bed first.” No one moved, no one spoke, and after he was certain things would remain as such, he continued. “Simply put, your mother invited me to join the family for Christmas.”

Sarah, who was seated closest to Diana, turned to her, eyes wide. “Mum. You invited him? Is he serious?”

Diana nodded. “Yes. I did. He is.” She glanced pointedly at each of her progeny in turn. “And as a favor to your Mum, I’m requesting that you please allow him to continue.” Sarah returned her gaze to James, nodding curtly along with Tom and Emma.

James cleared his throat again. “Back in August, she reached out to me and asked me over for dinner so we could discuss a few…things. She advised me of what you all had spoken about, making it clear that the reason for our divorce was no longer a matter just between the two of us. Since then, we’ve been talking frequently. About the past, mainly, but also about the future. And we’ve…well, we’ve become rather decent friends.”

It was Emma’s turn for an outburst. “Friends? Surely you’re joking. Or I’m dreaming, or I’m in some parallel universe. Friends? Mum? Have you both lost your minds?”

Diana laughed. “Sometimes I wonder, love. But yes. We’ve spent a good bit of time going over everything, from the moment we met until we divorced, trying to figure it all out, what went wrong, the why of it, and…it just seemed it was something we needed to do, once and for all, I suppose.”

Sarah shook her head, eyes on Diana, left index finger pointing at James. “After everything he’s done…you’ve FORGIVEN him?” Her voice was raw, full of emotion she was struggling to contain.

Diana shook her head as well. “Sarah, it isn’t always about forgiveness. Sometimes it’s about closure. And acceptance.”

James nodded, his expression grim. “I would never, ever expect your mother to forgive me for my actions. They were unconscionable. Indefensible. Deplorable. Nor would I expect any of you to forgive them. That’s not why I’m standing before you. I’m here to apologize, though I understand that such a thing is likely too little and too late. But I’m doing it anyway. Sarah and Emily, I’m sorry you lived your lives without me when you needed a father most, though perhaps you were better off, and I’m sorry you were left wondering what went wrong between your mother and me. It was wrong, of both of us, to deny you your own closure, to not tell you the truth. And Tom…the way you found out what I’d been doing, that you carried that with you for so long, a burden so heavy, all on your own…and that you thought at some point you were to blame for the divorce…I…” He cleared his throat, overcome with emotion he likely didn’t want to display. “The three of you deserved better. Your mother deserved better. Over the past few years, as I’ve begun to not recognize the old man I see in the mirror every morning because he can’t possibly be ME…I started to view the past with new eyes. I can see my selfishness, the pain I’ve caused, the destruction I’ve wrought. I’ve lain awake many a night wishing I could go back and change it. But I can’t. And that’s the worst of it. I can’t take it back, I can’t make it disappear. And I’m not going to make excuses for myself, but I feel that I need to be honest, for a change…my first marriage ended, but the hurt…didn’t. And that was not something a man like me admits, especially to himself. So I told myself that love was useless, that it was pointless frivolity. And I believed it, like a religion. From that point forward, that’s how I lived my life. I liked, respected and enjoyed your mother, but I wouldn’t allow myself to become emotionally attached. Same thing with all of you. I focused on my career, and I permitted myself to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh, but love…that had left me betrayed and broken, and I maintained a firm, albeit foolish, resolve that I was never going to let that happen again.”

Again, silence fell over the room.

“So. Here we are. I suppose the point of what I said there is that what I’ve learned is that allowing your past to walk with you in the present does irreparable harm to the future, and not only yours, but that of those around you. As I said, I expect no forgiveness from you. I’m unworthy of it. But I came, because…because I wanted to tell you, in person, that you three, my children, you are all intelligent, talented, loving, caring people. And I am grateful for that now, each and every day. And I thank your mother for doing all the work of raising you, for being there for you, and teaching you how life should properly be lived. It’s not about money, it’s not about success, it’s not about power…it’s about the connections you form with the people around you. It doesn’t matter so much when you’re young and you have, seemingly, nothing but time…but when you get to be my age, time is short, and you look back and see all you missed, all you wasted…” He paused, inhaling deeply before continuing. “And now, all of you have your own connections, love in your lives. I’m grateful for that too. And I know it’s far too much to ask of you, after everything, but I shall do so anyway as your mother said I should, but if you would allow me to participate in events such as this, and, perhaps, eventually, to get to know you again, to learn all the things I should already know…well, I would welcome the opportunity. Very much so.”

And with that, he sat back down, arms crossed in front of him. What he’d said about the past walking with you in the present struck a chord with me, and I focused on that for the moment. It was still completely quiet, Tom’s hand now in mine, his eyes fixed on the floor, jaw clenched. Diana rose from her spot.

“Well, what say we put presents under the tree?”

Sarah got up so quickly that Ansh jumped, startled. “Great idea, Mum.”

And then, as so many families do, we simply carried on as if none of it had ever happened.

****************************************

Sarah and Ansh said goodnight first, reminding us that Sacchi would likely be up at a ridiculously early hour, which led to a mass exodus toward the second floor. There were hugs all around, but for James hanging back, and good tidings shared. After closing the door behind us, Tom half-jogged to the bed, sat down and rested his head in his hands. I walked to sit at his side, placing one hand on his lower back, then slowly circling, hoping to soothe.

“Maude. Did…I just…I really don’t know what to DO with all of this. I’m not even sure what I heard. This is…it’s…”

“Don’t put any pressure on yourself to do something right now. Take your time. Process it.” I snorted. “Said the woman who took an eternity to come to terms with her own familial bullshit.”

He lifted his head, a tiny smile upon his lips. “I adore you.”

“Of course you do.” I reached out with my free hand and cupped his chin, thumb gently stroking his stubbly cheek. “In all seriousness, though…how can I help? Do you need to vent? Rant?”

His head shook back and forth. “Not sure what I’d rant or vent about…too confused, because I just received an apology that I never saw coming nor ever imagined getting. I truly believed it would be about you, his reason for being here. But I think that might have been because of my own fear, that my father wouldn’t like you, that he wouldn’t approve of you, and it makes me sick to think that after all he’s done and all this time, that deep down, his opinion matters to me and I still crave his approval and his respect and his blessing and…and…” His voice broke as he began to sob. “And…and…his…lo…love.”

I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him to my chest, and he wept upon my shoulder, uncontrollably, struggling to silence himself but unable to do so completely. Every time a gasp or muted wail escaped him I had to rein in a wince, as it reminded me of how both he had broken down in our hotel room in New Orleans and how I’d done the same at my mother’s house. This time, at least, I was fully present and able to offer him comfort. He clung to me as I stroked the back of his head and rocked him, and as he began to calm I whispered in his ear.

“I’m here. It’s okay, baby. I know. I know how it hurts. I understand. I love you.”

My sentiments were repeated until he spoke, his face buried in the crook of my neck. His voice was ragged, but soft. “Thank you. I’m sorry. I love you too.”

Just as I opened my mouth to say for what seemed like the millionth time that he need not apologize I felt his own mouth open, teeth sinking into my flesh, lips pressing, followed by suction so powerful it made my toes curl.

“Well hello there, Hiddleston. Damn. This is…unexpected. But please, do continue.”

He growled, fumbling with the hem of my sweater, working his hand inside to caress my left breast through the satin of my bra. Right after he began to pinch my hardened nipple, he pulled away from me, yanking his own sweater off over his head and blowing his nose in it. The snarky comment on my lips was suppressed by his tongue thrusting into my mouth as he guided me into a standing position. I bit down on it and he moaned, hips jutting forward and grinding against me. The kissing continued, sloppy and wet, a long string of saliva still connecting us when we finally came up for air and attempted to separate. Neither of us said a word, the only sound in the room the discordant noise of us removing our shoes and stripping off our clothes as quickly as humanly possible, flinging them everywhere. I looked away from my bra hooks for a moment to find him watching me, pupils blown, jaw clenched. My nether region did some clenching of its own as I completed the task at hand, spun the bra around on my index finger, then let it fly through the air to land on the dresser top. He remained where he was, and I strode toward him, biting my lip as I noticed his cock twitch. Leaning forward when I reached him, I blew on his chest hairs, the initial shiver intensifying as my tongue snaked out and circled his right nipple, then his left. When I added teeth, he pushed me up and off him, then walked me backwards to the bed. His voice was dripping with desire when he spoke, as was his cock.

“Hands and knees for me? On the bed?”

I nodded, mouth agape, panting at the thought of him taking me from behind. While there wasn’t a single position I didn’t like, doggy style was one of my favorites. Just a flash of what it always felt like, his hips slapping against my ass, was enough to cause a rush of wetness that began to trickle down my thighs. I turned and clambered onto the bed, scooting up far enough so he had room to join me, wiggling my own hips suggestively and peeking over my shoulder back at him. He was on me in a heartbeat, pulling my cheeks apart, one nimble finger dipping into me, then pulling out to circle my clit.

“The view from back here, woman. I wish you could see it, see yourself spread wide…open and ready. Ready for me. For my cock. Are you ready for my cock, Maude?”

I whimpered, quietly, I thought, but he heard me anyway.

“Oh, I’m of a mind that you’re MORE than ready.” The head nudged my entrance. “Are you? More than ready? Have you reached the point of desperation? Is it driving you mad, feeling me so close but not where you need me to be most?”

With that I slammed backwards, taking him all in, and the sound he made was half scream, half moan and entirely too loud. He grabbed my hips and began thrusting, hard, fast, and grunting with every single re-entry. I felt his fingers intertwine with my hair, then tugging on it gently but firmly and holding my head in place. He slowed, regaining some semblance of control, which I snatched away by rolling my pelvis and pushing back against him, parrying his thrusts. The hand that had been in my hair disappeared and his arm wrapped around my chest, pulling me up and back, until my ass was resting on his thighs, my knees bent and spread wide, feet resting on either side of him. He ran his tongue up and down the back of my neck as he began to massage my clit, and I squealed. His response was a whisper, and his hot breath on my ear making me clench around him.

“Ride. Me.”

“Yep. Sounds good. Will do.”

I lifted myself off his cock slowly, then sank back down, then again, and again and again, my tempo increasing with each instance as I drew closer to orgasm. As it began he propelled us both forward again, me coming to rest on my elbows with my cheek pressed to the bed, him on top of me, body covering me like a blanket, holding himself up with one arm at first so he could continue playing with my clit, then shifting as the need for additional support arose when he came, hips jerking erratically, mouth open and lips on my shoulder, moaning and whimpering as he spent himself inside me, my walls squeezing and pulsing, leaving me without words, or thoughts, feeling nothing but the pleasure in that moment.

We remained as we were until our panting returned to simply breathing, his chin resting on my shoulder. Tom regained the power of speech first, which was not a single bit surprising.

“Sorry if the timing of that appears questionable. I just…I…”

I pushed myself up on my hands, and he lifted himself off me and rolled us over. I pulled away from him, his cock slipping out of me as I did so, then rolled again to face him, index finger tracing the line of his jaw.

“No need to say it. I understand what you ‘just’.” And I did, absolutely. Receiving comfort, wanting to lose your pain in pleasure, the desire for closeness, fulfilling that desire via the act that brings you as physically close to another human as you can possibly be, reminding yourself of what’s good, affirming that you love and are loved.

He reached out to bring me closer, and I buried my face in his neck, and he buried his in my hair, stroking my back as he murmured how much he loved me and I did the same. It seemed like we’d just fallen asleep when we heard Saachi screaming excitedly out in the hallway.

“It’s morning! It’s morning! Father Christmas came! And he left presents! PRESENTS FOR ME!”

Tom and I donned our pajamas and robes, which I’d made sure to bring when he informed me that no one in the Hiddleston house dressed on Christmas day until it was time for dinner, which was actually lunch. No official breakfast, either, just chocolates and sweets and fruit and caffeinated beverages, which sounded acceptable to me. As we descended the stairs the smell of roasting turkey hit my nostrils and my stomach growled loudly. Tom snickered, and I punched him in the arm.

“It’s like, not even 6 AM yet, dude. How long has your mother been up?”

Diana’s voice sounded from below. “Birds went in the oven at 4:30.” She came into view as we reached the bottom few steps, standing in the living room doorway, wearing a Christmas apron over a fluffy green robe. “This lot is not exactly patient when it comes to food, sad to say. Happy Christmas, Maude. And you too, son of mine. Treats are all laid out…grab a handful and come on in and see what Father Christmas brought for our darling girl. Or our tiny whirling dervish, which is more fitting for today.”

We were the last ones down, everyone else seated either on one of the couches or on the floor, all pajama-clad. A group shout of ‘Happy Christmas’ ensued, and I felt like I was starring in the British version of A Christmas Story, which was amusing until I realized that I was the prime candidate for pulling a Ralphie and saying fuck. Tom and I sat on the couch facing the fireplace, next to Dave and Emma. Sarah and Ansh were on the floor, helping Saachi with her gifts, among which were puzzles, books, various stuffed creatures, and an iPad. Sarah noticed me staring at it, not realizing it was with awe.

“I know, I know…we’re going to limit screen time, but we just think there’s so much for her to learn…”

I blinked, slowly comprehending what her comment meant. “Oh, sorry, Sarah…not why I was gawking. I just really, really love the design of Apple stuff. It’s like high art…flawless, seamless, feels as if it’s an extension of you when you hold it.” Tom chuckled, and I elbowed him in the ribs. “The kid stuff…no clue. But I guess I need to GET a clue.”

Emma shrieked. “OH MY GOD, MAUDE, ARE YOU PREGNANT?”

My brain short-circuited, and I realized Tom hadn’t been kidding about them thinking that if I fainted, and he graciously jumped in to do damage control.

“Christ, Em. It’s too early for that decibel level. No, she’s not.” He turned to me, silently asking if I thought it acceptable to discuss our plans. Though it made me incredibly nervous, it being said out loud, and the fact that it would now be obvious if we weren’t successful, it was my own carelessness that had opened this particular can of worms, so I nodded for him to continue. “Or I should say, not yet. We’re going to start trying soon, once I’m done filming, most likely.”

Within seconds I found myself being hugged and kissed by all of them in succession, with the exception of James, who simply said ‘jolly news’ but remained seated, drinking a glass of milk. Saachi rescued me by stating that all her Father Christmas gifts had been opened and now it was time to see what we’d all gotten for her. Tom went to the tree to retrieve our gifts, and she followed him back to the couch and climbed into his lap, tearing open the first one before she was fully seated. It was a giraffe-printed T-shirt with a cartoon giraffe on the front, munching on some leaves.

“Oh, a giraffe! Look, Mummy!” She held the shirt up. “It’s beautiful!”

Next came matching pants, sweatshirt, and sneakers. Tom saved the best for last, and when she removed the paper and saw a plain cardboard box she gazed up at him. “I do like boxes very much, Uncle Tommy. Thank you.”

The room erupted in laughter, and I reached out to help her open it. When she saw what was inside she gasped, reached inside and pulled out the eighteen-inch high plush giraffe I’d found for her. Unlike most, its proportions were correct, which she noticed immediately. “Oh, he’s just like a REAL giraffe.” She turned to her parents. “I have my very own real-like giraffe. His name is Charlie, and we’re going to be best friends.” Snuggling him to her chest, which was adorable because he was so giant, she turned back to me. “Thank you, Auntie Maude. I love you now.” And with that, she hopped off Tom’s lap and onto mine, hugging me tightly, Charlie between us. As I returned the embrace, the fragility of her, the smallness, this little person, putting her trust in me was incredibly overwhelming and I found myself both struggling not to cry and beaming like an idiot.

She left me soon after when Ansh said her iPad was ready to use, and the rest of us began to open our presents. There was no rhyme or reason to it, other than Diana matching gifts with each individual and piling them nearby. Tom and I were lost in our own little world, choosing to open our presents to each other before ones from family. He insisted that I go first, and I argued, but he smiled that smile and I had no choice but to give in.

The first was a team Jersey, navy blue, and I wondered if he’d lost his fucking mind until I unfolded it and saw my name on the front left breast in white, with the number 31 smack in the center. The back was the same, but across the top over the number was ‘TEAM HIDDLESTON’. I stared at him, and he grinned.

“That’s your team jersey. We’ve all got one. The number is…”

“My birthday.”

He nodded. “Yes. Your birthday.”

“All the swear words.”

His head tilted. “What?”

I raised my left hand, palm towards him. “That’s me using profanity without using profanity.”

“Oh, I like that. Here, do this one next.” He handed me large, flat object, heavier than I expected. I removed the wrapping, and realized it was a frame. Inside was a poster. A movie poster. The Matrix. One of my very favorite films. And when I finally really LOOKED at it, I noticed that there were signatures. Three of them. Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, and Laurence Fishburne.

“Thomas. Are these real? They can’t be real. Are they REAL?”

He nodded again, chuckling and licking his lips.

“ALL THE SWEAR WORDS TIMES A MILLION. How did you…my god, this is AMAZING. You are amazing. Thank you. Wow. I cannot EVEN.”

There was one more for me, a small item, the size and shape of a CD case. I peeled back the paper, and there I was, mid-song, from Hawaii karaoke. Down at the bottom was my name, with the words ‘Back to Black’ under it, and a logo. Skrillex. My mouth dropped open. “Dude. What. Is. This.”

“That’s you. From Kauai, doing Back to Black. Remastered by Skrillex. If you’ll look at the back you’ll see he did a remix for you as well.”

“NO HE DID NOT.”

Tom laughed. “Oh yes he did. Shall we listen to it now?”

I threw my arms around him. “Hiddleston, you are so thoughtful and kind and sweet and I love you, you bastard.” He hugged me back, and I pulled away. “But no, we’ll listen to it later. You have to open your stuff now. Plus I don’t think I want present company to hear me singing about a dude keeping his dick wet.”

“Excellent point. In addition, your voice does things to me…”

“Yes. Duly noted. Later. Anyway. Open the giant box first.”

I’d put all the Jurassic Park toys inside a single box, because I felt if he saw one it would be like he’d seen them all and let’s face it, there’s nothing quite like a box full of toys just waiting for you to love them. He peeled back the paper, popped the tape, lifted the flaps and the expression he wore when he realized what was inside filled me with such joy I thought I’d burst. He turned to me in disbelief.

“How did you…where did you…are these really…” He removed the electronic T-Rex from the box. “IT IS. ORIGINAL.” The rest followed suit quickly, and he placed them gently on the floor after giving them the once-over, alternating between grinning, giggling, and shaking his head. “Maude. It’s like I’m a kid again. On Christmas. This is incredible. Thank you.” With that, he kissed me, and it went on long enough for Sarah to feel the need to tell us to get a room already.

We laughed, blushing, and I decided to fess up. “I can’t take all the credit, you know. Your mom made me a list of what she could remember you having. All I did was find the stuff on eBay.”

He pinched my cheek. “Yes, but you’re the one who thought to do it.” He glanced at Diana. “Thanks, Mum. You’re becoming a regular Sneaky Pete, aren’t you?” She nodded, and I pointed to the other box, smaller than the first.

“Dude, open it. I can’t stand waiting another second.”

Of course he removed the paper at a snail’s pace just to torture me, and then pretended to not know how to get the lid off properly. His face lit up like a thousand suns when he saw the fedora.

“My very own Indiana Jones fedora. I hope you realize I’m going to where this everywhere we go forever and ever from this day forward.” As he lifted it out of the box with the intent of putting it on, I figured I should draw his attention to what he was actually holding. I reached out and grabbed his wrist.

“You might want to take a gander at the inside before you wear it.”

His puzzled gaze met my mildly impatient one, and he flipped it over.

“My god. Oh my god. OH. MY. GOD.” He stood, hat in his hand, his last comment so loud that everyone was staring at him. Emma snorted.

“Tom. It’s a hat. It’s lovely. Pipe down, won’t you?”

Tom shook his head. “It’s not just a hat. It’s a fedora signed by Harrison Ford. Indiana Jones.”

I tugged on his robe but he didn’t notice, so I stood, pausing to pull out a framed letter I’d hidden under extra tissue paper in the bottom of the box. He read it quickly, and when I saw his Adam’s apple bob I knew he was holding back a sob. A deep breath followed, then he spoke.

“It’s a note from Harrison. It says ‘Tom – Steve told me how much Indy means to you, but what really sold me was the story from your fiancée about you cutting off your sister’s braid and using it as a bullwhip. Here’s a hat. Wore it for the Last Crusade. You do good work, kid. Keep it up and you might be able to buy a real, actual bullwhip someday. – Harrison’.”

He sat back down, hat in one hand, frame in the other, staring at them both as his siblings and their significant others came over to get a better look. I sat as well, and as I did so he looked up at me.

“You did this. For me. How? How did you pull this off? I would have never expected this, for him to send one of the fedoras he actually wore. I…my god…my mind. So completely, utterly blown.”

I grinned. “I am tenacious and don’t take no for an answer.” He laughed. “Actually, I had lots of help. Friend here, client there, Steven Spielberg, and here we are. You like it, then?”

“It’s the best present…and it has a deeper meaning than me just being a huge fan, because of how we met, and what I said, and…I love you.”

My grin widened and I patted him on the shoulder. “I know.”

He roared, catching on to my Star Wars reference, and I joined in, Saachi finally looking up from her iPad to comment.

“I want a funny hat next year, please.”

Everyone laughed at that, and once the giddiness wore off it was back to the matter at hand. We’d gotten Diana a set of eight mugs, two tote bags and four T-shirts with her art printed on them, which she marveled at and said she finally felt like she might actually be a genuine artist. For Em and Dave we’d purchased a couples spa weekend, and for Sarah and Ansh we’d arranged for a date night out to see a show and spend the night at a five-star hotel in London, grandma set as the babysitter.

Diana put together a beautiful photo album that included pictures of Tom as a child, as well as other family shots for us, and she’d done a painting on canvas of Tom and I on the red carpet at the Cube gallery. And, as predicted, there was my Christmas sweater, bright blue with snowmen on the front. It was actually kind of cute, and I thought it might even be fun to put it on our first married people Christmas cards next year. Then I shook my head and decided I was going insane and that I needed some more tea immediately. Before I had a chance to get up go grab it, Diana handed me a thick greeting card envelope.

“Here, love. This one’s from me, Emma and Sarah. Technically for you and Tom, but mainly for you.”

I opened it slowly, reading the brochure and the open-ended tickets and where to call to book dates, not quite understanding what I was looking at straight away. It was something I’d never thought of, never would have thought of on my own, but wished I had and was grateful someone else had done it for me. They’d arranged for a week-long vacation for us at the Fitzpatrick Castle Hotel. Which was in Ireland. In Dalkey, Ireland, to be exact. Where my father had been born and lived until he met my mother and moved to the US. I didn’t speak. I couldn’t speak. The idea of seeing where he’d grown up, walking the streets he’d walked, visiting the bar his family owned…MY family owned? I didn’t know. He’d cut all ties with them, likely at my mother’s insistence, and that’s all I knew. Did he have siblings? Were his parents still alive? He never spoke of family, not once that I could recall. I’d been so angry, so hurt, that it never occurred to me that they could be out there somewhere in the world. And that they were my family, too. Which led me to the next step…what of my mother’s family? They knew there was a child, that I existed, both sides, but did they know it was…me?  Suddenly, and much to my surprise, I felt compelled to find out.

Diana was standing in front of me still, her face full of concern as I looked up at her.

“Maude, if that was too forward of us, I’m terribly sorry…we just thought you might want to, since you’re close by now…”

I passed the papers to Tom, who had been reading them over my shoulder, stood, and wrapped my arms around Diana, a muted ‘thank you’ spilling from my lips before I began to weep. Sarah and Emma made it a group hug, and I realized that while it would be wonderful to have my questions answered, it would be icing on the cake, as they say, because I’d already been blessed with a family, the people right there in that room, who had opened their lives and their hearts to me, because I loved their brother, their son, and he loved me. And what a miracle that was, especially on a day made for such things.