#SammyStunna

[sammystunna]

My heart is too big

I'm still "in love" to an extent with my soulmate, but I also love my bestfriend who is more than a bestfriend, and I'm also not over my most recent ex who just continually destroys me even in the smallest of ways who I just can't seem to fully get over, meanwhile I'm not dating any of those people and I'm really falling for my current boyfriend. My soulmate, bestfriend, and boyfriend are in my life on the daily for the most part and I just could never let any of them go fully. It's so wrong but it's just like when you love someone you'll do anything for them and don't want to give them up. Yes I feel bad sometimes cause I know I'm not giving my boyfriend my all, but my hearts just too big and too full of my past still but even when I attempt to move on my past always comes back and it's a problem but it's also not because I really care and love these people. I just wish it was easy and everyone hated me cause then I could go back to feeling heartless again like I did after my ex wrecked my emotional state and mind. I feel like I'm living three separate lives, someone help. Is this terribly wrong?

[sammystunna]

I still wonder what if?

Sometimes I still think what if? What if I let the love of my life slip away because I wanted to experience some other aspects of life? What if I had stayed? Would I have the same outlook on life as I do now? Was it the right choice to leave and go see other things? The answer to that is yes. No doubt about it. But what if I let the one person who will love me like no other go. No love seems anywhere near comparable to what we had and how I felt. But in the same token I sit here and think, was that immature love? Was my young mind just thinking I needed love and when I found someone like him I thought that was it. I find myself still thinking about him from time to time, which is normal, he's the love of my life, but do you continue to walk away and create a new path or do you get scared and run back? Will I run back and find what I found before, that I still want to experience other people, things, places? Will the option to run back ever be there again? Does love like that ever truly fade away? Was it all just one big life lesson?

[sammystunna]

Soulmates

Heres the thing. How is it possible to feel so connected to someone, to love their soul endlessly, to know that you would do anything for them, to want them in your life no matter what the circumstances, to want to do so many things with them and experience life with them, to be in love with them, but not to love them in a sexual way? What even is that, what does it mean? How does one go about that, especially when significant others come into play on both ends. How do you love another male so much and want them as your life partner, but its not in a sexual or intimate way? What does any of that mean and how do you go about it? Does it actually mean that this is how true love is supposed to go? Or does it mean that its just exactly what it is and there’s no real way to go about it. How does anyone become okay with their significant other having someone like that in their life? I can’t lose my soulmate over anything, and I’m afraid to even start separating from them. When someone becomes a part of your daily routine, and that routine gets thrown a little off whack and your world doesn’t feel the same anymore, that means something. It means something that you can feel so god damn connected to someone in such a short amount of time like we did, to feel like you knew them for your entire life, to find out you have so much in common, to realize you can talk on FaceTime for 6 hours and never have a moment of anything being weird. When you can sleep next to them in a bed and goof around, but not have intentions on anything sexual. How can you just love someone so, so, so much.... and be able to keep them in your life like you want to under the circumstances that are kinda currently present/will be in the future. The only other option is to be together and not see other people. Martina told me before she passed away, that me and tyler are going to end up together and so did my best friend Michaela.... but the fear of that ever happening is that i’m afraid if something happened and that was where we were at, that I would lose him, and I can’t lose him no matter what. I thought I found my soulmate 3 years ago, but I was wrong... I found him now and I now know what it means to have a soulmate.... but isn’t a soulmate more than just that friend... and thats what makes this all so confusing and bothers me lately... my soulmate is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him and I don’t want to find out. 

[sammystunna]

I have no idea what I'm doing.

[sammystunna]

I lost my better half... my best friend

[sammystunna]

✨

[sammystunna]

Back burner

It’s starting to get super old being with someone who is very involved in the public eye. I hate feeling like I’m always put on hold because of other things weather it be a band or a business. Social media is such a big thing for these kinds of people and it controls and runs their lives because it’s the source of their “fans” and helps them promote themselves. I’m always just in the background as the “number 1 supporter” to that person and it just kinda sucks.. never getting to talk to my significant other cause they're either busy worrying about their business or band or just ugh whatever idk I needed to bitch about this somewhere. It’s also super annoying when you kinda need to be hidden from the public eye as well being the girlfriend cause it will cause fans to turn away from the band or make the business look like it’s being distracted from. Band and dirtbike dudes…. why are you my kind of people? I love it but I hate it. I wanna feel like I’m not constantly being put aside. I understand that this is important for them to focus on but it’s like once in a while it’d be super nice for it not to have to be worried about…

[sammystunna]

I got some damn bad intentions 💫

[sammystunna]

I just can't stop reading these...

[sammystunna]

Someone plz tell me what's wrong with me?

I haven't cried in so long. I haven't had a reason to... I've been so happy. But for some reason tonight I'm losing it. Over what? Is exactly what I ask myself. I feel lost. I thought I had things figured out but then things changed. Feelings will forever be the death of me. Why are these feelings for you not gone? Why am I upset, there's no reason at all to be... wtf am I getting emotional about. I have so many reasons to hate you.... but for some reason you just won't fucking leave and I want you to.. get out of my mind. It's not fair. Leave, pleaseeeeeeee. No matter what I fucking do you don't leave my head. I thought it was gonna be perfect. I thought we were gonna make it. I guess that's why it bothers me so much. I guess it's hasn't been that long since we've had physical contact but still... it should be gone. I tell ppl it is but I'm half ass'ing that lie and I've been. Part of it is gone but there's this part that lingers. I don't get it. Help me get out of my own head.

[sammystunna]

I'm sorry...

[sammystunna]

In Between

I'm at such an odd spot in my life right now. Everyone in my life has completely changed even since the summer and everyone in my life over the summer was different. I've made so many new friends lately and it's just amazing learning to network yourself. My modeling is coming back around again. I'm officially a promotional model for 2 agencies. I'm done with nursing school and just need to study for my boards now. I have 2 amazing best guy friends in my life right now that I don't know what I'd do without. I'm just in such an odd spot. I feel like I'm not even in my body half the time. Is it because I've been so happy lately and completely high on life that it's an unreal feeling? Mentally I'm a whole new person. It's scary... but good. I genuinely enjoy life and the people in my life. I want to travel and I'm kinda going to be here soon for Supercross. I feel like there may be some big things coming for me soon. I've met some very cool famous people lately and recently became friends with the lead singer of The Color Morale and will be doing a photoshoot with the bands photographer, so stoked about it. One of my best friends Lee also just joined a new band and has so many connections and this band is also bigger and will be touring with some big name bands and I'll more than likely get to meet these ppl and I'm super excited about it. I'll also be following the Supercross season with Team Mototape as their one and only promo girl for now which is sick. Idk things are just going great but it's all just at this inbetween point and I can't wait to see where things continue to fall into place.

[sammystunna]

Someone plz tell me how I'm sleeping over on a night when the entire band is sleeping here and it's like nothing ever changed? I'm so confused but I'm gonna roll with it 🙃

[sammystunna]

Was that real life?

I fell asleep in your arms and woke up in your arms. That's something I thought would never happen again, but it did. I'm not even going to think twice about it, but I'm glad that feeling got to be felt again. I wanna go on about it but I need to start taking things in life for what they are and to not overthink it all. So here's to that. 'Twas a great night/day with you that I never thought I'd have again after everything. Thanks life for playing out the way you do.

[sammystunna]

I. AM. NOT. OVER. YOU.

I wish you were out of my head. I wish the little things didn't make me think of you. Why must you haunt me still?

[sammystunna]

& if you and I, can make it through the night✨