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sangijazz · 1 year ago

Text

Love MegaBytes - a LoveBug AU Stanley x shadow!Narrator fanfic

Chapter 5

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Notes:

- Content Warnings:

- Viral Corruption;

- Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation (by both parties);

- Obsessive Behavior;

- Unhealthy Possessive Behavior;

I don’t think that the contents of this chapter are heavy and/or explicit enough to warrant the skip-summary treatment, I hope I’m right, I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.

And I also apologize in advance if my depiction of sign language is wrong, feel free to correct me.

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General Notes:

They /them pronouns for the Timekeeper;

They/them pronouns for the Bucket;

I made a little playlist for you, my dears, with songs that I listen to when writing Love MegaBytes (and in general really)

Here

I like stalker songs, there are some odd ones there but they are my Stannarrator songs. I accept recommendations for new songs for the playlist!

Some typos in the dialog are intentional.

I hope the zalgo is readable ;p but if it isn’t there is a transcript at the end of the chapter.

Enjoy~

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In recollection, resetting might have been a bad idea, but everyone knew it was the only chance. Pink, pulsating, vein-like ruptures assaulted his opening eyes, it was on, in, everything, and everywhere . The ominous throbbing rose light coming out of them was the only thing illuminating the place. Stanley could see from his trapped position, chunks of the wall were missing, much like that little hole that began this all, the headache-inducing green binary he remembered, now laid bare and broken now too with that pink color, they were also bare, his drawings, all gone, stolen? Eaten? Were more things missing?!

Desperately, he darted his gaze to his hand, checking for that same corruption in himself. There was nothing, his model looked untouched.

“O̴k̵a̸y̴,̷ ̵S̸t̴_n̴l̷e̷y̷ ̵d̶e̵a̵r̸.̴ ̶L̷e̷t̴’̶s̵ ̸s̶t̷a̷_t̶ ̸t̴h̷i̷s̶ ̶a̶g̴_i̸n̸”

The voice that rang through the parable was as familiar as ever, but together with it the maddening glitches worsened, now the words were coming out even more broken, repeating, pieces missing.

Now, again in this paralyzed state, his plan seemed flimsy and not that good, too much like last time, he felt the dread and uncertainty quickly creeping through his coded nerves.

“T̷r̵y̷ ̴t̴o̶ ̶f̸o̶l̴_w̸ ̷t̴h̷e̶ ̴s̸c̴r̴i̷p̴t̷ ̸t̸h̷i̶s̵ ̵t̸i̴m̸e̸,̶ ̷a̴l̶r̶i̵g̶h̵t̸,̵ ̵d̷_r̵l̵i̴n̸g̵?̴~̶”

The pulse of the light created stark shadows that looked oh-so alive, and all-consuming. The contrasting forces battled for dominance and also worked together to swallow all.

The Narrator cleared its nonexistent throat, the cue to begin.

“T̵h̵i̶s̴ ̴i̵s̴ ̴a̸ ̷s̴t̴o̶r̷y̸ ̸o̸f̵ ̸a̸n̸ ̸a̷m̴_z̶i̴n̶g̷ ̷m̶a̶n̶ ̴n̵a̴m̷_d̴ ̶S̷t̴a̷_l̶e̶y̵~̸”

Taking the situation into consideration, it would be better to play smart (how he didn’t think of this before is more evidence he wasn’t the smart one), starting to run now would probably be a bad strategy, waiting for a better opportunity closer to the Curator then give chase. Stanley almost felt proud of this one, he prayed it would work.

Surprisingly, the screen of his computer blinked to life, the disparity of its black-gray background and white font against the pink roots covering its surface.

"Hello?!1!

Is anybody there?!?!1?

What the hell is going on?!!?1?"

[??] [??]

Is that…

IS THAT THE TIMEKEEPER?!

Oh, thank the gods, Stanley wasn’t alone! There was another being just as confused and terrified as him. If only he could move he would answer them, send a life signal and assure them they weren’t alone. This made Stanley’s core sprout a wee bit of hope. Were the Narrator and the Parable the only affected? This could be proven to be beneficial, if everyone else was still sound of mind. The dark being was still talking, but its words weren’t registering correctly, they were almost too mangled to understand.

“ –d̵i̸d̷ ̵e̵v̵_r̸y̶ ̵d̶a̸y̸ ̴o̴f̷ ̸e̸v̴e̷r̷y̸ ̴m̵o̸n̷_h̵–”

The second he was allowed to move, he would find a way to click a button as an answer, for the Timekeeper’s sake.

Stanley took a deep breath, ‘siking himself up to put up to the task of pretending he wasn’t scared shitless. His body shook with fear, as the Narrator got near the end of the introduction. Keep it steady, Stanley. He had a task to do.

“S̷o̷ ̶w̷i̴t̸h̶ ̶a̵ ̶s̴_i̴l̸e̶,̸ ̷h̵e̷ ̵g̶o̶t̸ ̸u̷p̵ ̸f̵r̵o̵m̵ ̷h̵i̶s̸ ̸d̶e̴_k̵ ̸a̶n̸d̴ ̷s̶t̵e̴p̸p̶e̶d̶ ̶o̷u̸t̶ ̴o̵f̶ ̶h̵i̵s̵ ̸o̸f̵f̷_c̴e̵.̴”

As soon the engine read and loaded the line that gave him movement, he let his hands fall, purposely letting them hit the keyboard’s key and he hoped it was enough of n answer for them.

Thankfully it was since the effect was instantaneous as more words in white font appeared like they were frantically typed, not caring for spelling.

"Stamley?!?!? Are you okay??! Do you now what th e fuck is going on!?!"

This was unfortunately, that was all he could do – without drawing too much attention or letting the Narrator get impatient – no matter how much he wanted to. Now, he had to play along, he would ask for forgiveness later.

Before the watcher entity could voice its impatience with threats, the avatar stood up, did his best to crack a smile like it wanted, and made what the narration asked for.

All he could see was in the same state as the 427 office and here made Stanley realize how he missed the low humming of the fluorescent light that was much better than the eldritch and indescribable sound of code falling apart hammering bass inside his head, assaulting his ears.

All the Office’s usual colors were muted, gray-scaled except for that bright pink, that the vessel swore that he would hate for his whole life, and now he feared his retinas were permanently stained with that shade. His smile threatened to falter.

“O̵h̶!̸ ̵S̶o̶_e̴o̵n̸e̸ ̸i̷s̶ ̵e̶a̴g̶e̶r̶!̷~̶” beamed the Narrator, thankfully not noticing the minor stumble. “N̶o̴w̵,̸ ̷g̵o̷ ̸o̶n̷,̶ ̶l̷o̴v̴e̷,̴ ̷t̸o̵ ̷o̸u̸r̸ ̸f̷a̵v̸o̵r̷i̸t̵e̸ ̸d̸o̴o̷r̷s̷!̴ ̵A̵n̴d̸,̴” the voice dropped to a lower tone “D̷o̷n̴’̷t̵ ̴f̸o̴_g̸e̵t̴ ̴t̸o̸ ̵ f̶o̷l̷l̶o̶w̸ ̷m̶y̸ ̵e̵_e̵r̶y̷ ̵w̸o̷r̴d̷,̶ ̴w̴e̴ ̸b_t̴h̸ ̸w̵a̴n̷t̷ ̶f̴o̵r̶ ̴y̸o̴u̵ ̶t̴o̶ ̵g̶e̵t̵ ̵t̴o̶ ̵t̵h̶e̸ ̷s̸u̷r̵_r̴i̶s̷e̷,̵ ̷r̶i̸g̷h̵t̸,̶ ̵S̵t̸a̷n̶l̷e̶y̶ ̷d̶e̸a̵r̸?̷~̴”

Nodding with fake excitement, Stanley began to carefully take steps forward since the floor also was being eaten, with holes leading to the eternal void where the parable was situated. The computers’ screens shone with errors and random ciphers. Everything was breaking.

In the next room of cubicles, on their usual spot, shone the Bucket in the darkness, untouched by the infection, a beacon of hope. The sight made the man hurry to embrace his old friend, the metallic creature eagerly embracing him too, and reassuring him they were fine. The action generated no comment from the Narrator, thankfully, it had gone unnoticed or seen as unimportant, maybe it was still in the mind set they were still a nonsentient object.

The Bucket asked if he had a plan and he hugged them tighter against his chest and nodded slightly, it was half-baked however it was all he had. They comforted him, assuring him it would work.

“S̵t̷_n̷l̷e̵y̵ ̶n̸e̷v̸e̸r̵ ̷h̴a̵d̷ ̴c̷o̴w̴o̷r̷k̸_r̴s̴ ̶t̴o̸ ̸b̴e̴g̵i̵n̷ ̸w̶i̵t̵h̴,̴ ̷t̶h̷e̴ ̶O̵f̵f̵i̵c̵e̶ ̸w̶_s̸ ̵o̶n̷l̸y̶ ̶f̶o̴r̵ ̴h̵i̸m̵ ̸a̸n̸d̴ ̷t̴h̷e̵ ̵N̵a̷r̸r̷a̸t̴_r̸.̸ ̴N̸o̶ ̴o̶n̵e̶ ̸t̴o̴ ̶t̷a̸k̶e̵ ̸f̸r̴_m̴ ̵e̷a̵c̷h̷ ̷o̷t̴h̴e̷r̴.̶"

The collision was still active, the Bucket told him as they saw Stanley hesitate next to a big hole in the hallway, he wouldn’t fall.

“H̸_v̸e̵ ̴I̶ ̴e̶v̴e̸r̵ ̸t̶o̴l̵d̸ ̷y̶o̵u̵ ̴h̶o̵w̵ ̷m̴_c̵h̷ ̵I̸ ̷l̴o̶v̷e̵ ̵y̶o̵u̸?̴ ̴Y̷o̶u̷ ̵a̴r̷e̶ ̶s̸o̵ ̶p̵r̸_c̸i̶o̴u̷s̵ ̷t̷o̴ ̵m̵e̴,̶ ̴m̶y̶ ̸l̴i̴t̴t̵l̷e̷ ̴c̶r̷e̸a̴t̸i̴o̴n̵…̵” it seemed to be monologuing not really looking for an answer “W̷i̸t̶h̵o̷u̴t̸ ̸y̷o̵u̸,̶ ̷h̶o̶w̵ ̸c̸o̸u̴l̸d̷ ̵I̶ ̴e̴x̴i̷s̶t̶?̶ ̸W̸i̶t̶h̶o̸_t̷ ̶m̵e̶,̵ ̵w̶h̵o̸ ̶w̴o̷u̴l̴d̷ ̴y̶_u̸ ̵b̸e̷,̵ ̸u̶h̸,̶ ̷m̵y̸ ̸d̴a̶r̷l̸i̶_g̵?̵” it growled, sounding so possessive “M̵i̸n̸e̶,̸ ̴m̶_n̶e̶,̶ ̷m̷i̴_e̸~̴” it spat as the avatar turned the corner like an only-child throwing a fit because they hated to share their toys, but stopped as they got to the next relevant stop on their journey.

Like always, Stanley found himself in front of the two doors. Now, he just needed to go through the left door–

“W̸h̷e̶n̴,̸ ̵m̷y̶ ̶d̵a̴r̴l̴i̷n̷g̴ ̵S̴t̴a̵n̷l̶e̸y̵,̵ ̸c̵a̸m̴e̴ ̶t̸o̸ ̶a̶ ̸s̵e̷t̴ ̶o̸f̷ ̵t̵w̸o̷ ̴o̵p̵e̸n̴ ̴d̵o̸o̴r̶s̴,̶ ̶h̷e̷ ̵e̵n̸t̴e̸r̸e̷d̵ ̴t̷h̸e̶ ̸d̷o̵o̵r̷ ̶o̵n̶ ̷h̵i̶s̸ ̶r̴i̷g̷h̵t̷ .̷” even with the distortion, the entity had an audible smug smirk.

The vessel’s eyes widen with horror and surprise. That was not good. Not at all. Shit. Stanley didn’t want to begin running right now. Shit. Breathe and think. Think!

The Narrator laughed with self-satisfaction, it was expecting that surprised reaction from him.

“O̸h̸,̷ ̴I̴ ̶k̴n̶_w̷,̶ ̵d̵e̴a̵r̴!̸~̶ ̸I̶s̶n̶’̸t̵ ̶t̷h̴i̴s̴ ̸e̷x̷c̶i̷t̵_n̸g̶?̸!̸~̵” it beamed with delight “N̸_w̸,̷ ̷I̴ ̷k̵n̷o̵w̵ ̵t̵h̶a̶t̴ ̶y̶o̸u̷ ̶l̷o̴v̴e̸ ̵t̵o̵ ̷g̴o̷ ̴a̴g̶_i̶n̸s̸t̵ ̶m̴y̷ ̶n̷a̸r̶r̷_t̸i̶o̷n̵,̸ ̶a̴n̷d̵ ̷a̷s̷ ̷m̵u̶c̷h̵ ̶a̶s̵ ̸I̶ ̸l̵o̷v̸e̴ ̵i̸t̸ ̸w̵h̵_n̶ ̵y̶o̴u̷ ̴a̶r̵e̷ ̸a̶ ̶b̵r̷a̸t̵,̷ ̴I̷ ̸w̸o̶u̷l̵d̵ ̵a̶d̵v̷i̸s̷e̵ ̷y̶o̵u̵ ̸t̴o̴ ̷g̴o̴ ̴t̸h̷r_o̵u̵g̶h̸ ̶t̴h̵e̸ ̶r̵i̶g̸h̵t̵ ̵d̴o̷o̶r̴~̴ ”

A terrified mind raced to find a way out as he slowly stepped forward. He needed to get to the Museum. Shit. Think, think, THI– Ah ha!

It was awkward to sign with the Bucket but he did it anyway. What if I want to do the Freedom Ending, Narrator? He signed making sure and clear he used its name-sign, the sign for N together with the sign of Story. The entity had never seen it before, he was sure. It was worth a try.

The being made an inquisitive glitched noise “W̵_a̷t̸ ̷w̷a̷s̶ ̸t̵h̷a̸t̴ ̵l̵a̸s̶t̵ ̵s̸i̵g̸n̵,̴ ̴d̵e̴a̴r̸?̴ ̶I̵ ̴h̵a̶_e̴n̵’̷t̶ ̶s̷e̵e̵n̴ ̴i̶t̶ ̷b̷e̷_o̴r̸e̷…̸” good, he got its attention “C̴o̸_l̷d̸ ̷y̷o̴u̶ ̸d̴o̴ ̵i̵t̴ ̴a̴g̷a̴_n̵?̵” so he did “N̸…̵?̴S̷t̴o̸r̷y̵.̴.̶?̷–̵” it gasped, finally getting it “I̶s̸–̶ ̷i̶s̵ ̶t̸h̴a̴t̵ ̵a̷ ̵n̴_m̵e̶-̸s̵i̴g̶n̵?̷!̶ ̸F̷o̵_ ̵m̴e̵?̴!̴ ̷M̷-̷m̴y̷ ̸n̸a̶m̶e̶-̷s̶i̴_n̶?̷” it asked unsure but extremely hopeful and squeaked when Stanely nodded and he couldn’t help but smile at little because, Gods, how cute was its reaction. If it only this was his Narrator.

“O̴h̸,̶ ̴S̷t̴a̸_l̷e̸y̸…̷” the was so much obvious emotion in its voice, the entity was feeling giddy, and he was sure if it had blood it would be blushing furiously, this made the man instantly him feel bad for using something so dear to him to manipulate the only one he loved. The Bucket tried to reassure him that it was necessary, they had to get away. The other will forgive him when it sees reason, they told him. The Narrator giggled dreamily to itself “O̸h̴,̴m̶y̶~̶ ̵H̸o̷w̸-̶h̷_w̵ ̷c̷o̸u̵l̸d̶ ̷I̸ ̵r̸e̶_u̸s̶e̸ ̵t̸h̵a̶t̸ ̷w̴_s̶h̴ ̸a̶f̷t̵e̷r̷ ̶t̸h̶a̶t̵?̵!̴” it exclaimed “I̷ ̵w̵o̴u̶_d̶ ̷b̶e̴ ̴v̶e̴r̸y̸ ̶h̴a̵_p̷y̵ ̷t̶o̸ ̸g̷o̸ ̵t̸h̴r̵_u̸g̵h̷ ̵t̸h̵e̶ ̶F̵r̴e̵_d̷o̵m̶ ̵E̸n̸d̴i̸n̸g̸ ̵w̵i̶t̴h̵ ̶y̴o̶u̸~̴”

Stanley smiled at the defective ceiling, at it. The cleaning-throat sound effect played.

“W̶_e̵n̸,̸ ̸m̶y̸ ̷d̷a̵r̵l̵i̶n̴g̴ ̵S̸t̷a̵_l̸e̵y̶,̴ ̷c̵a̴m̴e̸ ̶t̵o̸ ̸a̷ ̷s̷e̷t̵ ̷o̴f̶ ̶t̴w̸o̸ ̴o̵p̶e̷n̴ ̶d̴o̸o̴r̸s̴,̷ ̷h̴e̴ ̶e̶_t̴e̶r̸e̷d̵ ̴t̶h̴e̴ ̷d̸o̸o̶r̵ ̴o̶n̶ ̷h̷i̶s̶ ̷l̶_f̴t̴.̴”

Relief filled the duo as Stanley stepped through the left door.

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Transcript:

“Okay, Stanley dear. Let’s start this again.”

"Try to follow the script this time, alright, darling?~"

“This is a story of an amazing man named Stanley~”

“ –did every day of every month–”

“So with a smile, he got up from his desk and stepped out of his office.”

“Oh! Someone is eager!~”

“Now, go on, love, to our favorie doors! And,”

”Don’t forget to follow my every word , we both want for you to get to the surprise, right, Stanley dear?~”

“Stanley never had coworkers to begin with, the Office was only for him and the Narrator. No one to take from each other.”

“Have I ever told you how much I love you? You are so precious to me, my little creation…”

“Without you, how could I exist? Without me, who would you be, uh, my darling?”

“Mine, mine, mine!”

“When, my darling Stanley, came to a set of two open doors, he entered the door on his right.”

“Oh, I know, dear!~ Isn’t this exciting?!~”

“Now, I know that you love to go against my narration, and as much as I love it when you are a brat, I would advise you to go through the right door~ ”

“What was that last sign, dear? I haven’t seen it before…”

“Could you do it again?”

“N…?Story..?–”

“Is– is that a name-sign?! For me?! M-my name-sign?”

“Oh, Stanley…”

“Oh,my~ How-how could I refuse that wish after that?!”

“I would be very happy to go through the Freedom Ending with you~”

“When, my darling Stanley, came to a set of two open doors, he entered the door on his left.“

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Notes:

Hey there, my darlings! (◍>ᴗ<)ﾉｼ

I missed you all too

My life went to shit for some time (and not the shit that makes you inspired, unfortunately) so I had a massive creative block since then

But here I am again, back to you, my dearest. ( ᐢ˙꒳˙ᐢ )

You can thank the DDos attack on ao3 (and consequently it being down) for getting me to return to writing this fic, due to boredom and fear of spiraling from fanfiction abstinence.

A surprise Timekeeper appearance! And the Bucket too! So happy to see them here! More characters to torture~ o(*>ω<*)o

I'm almost finished with Chapter 6's draft as I write these notes, so I hope it will be posted in three weeks or so but as always, no promises.

I never expected this fic to be more than 3 chapters long but now here we are…

Thankfully, I already know how this is going to go and then end! I won't say much to not spoil it for you all (´⊙ω⊙`) but let's say…

It will be for all tastes and hopes~

Thank you for your comments and kudos, you know how much I appreciate them.

You are all my dears and I love y'all! (*´∀`)~

24 notes · View notes

schizosupport · 11 months ago

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Hi Glitch, thanks for everything you do with your blog! My partner and I are parenting a wonderful 1 year old kiddo whose bio mom is living in an assisted living center and has persistently experienced hallucinations and delusions that make her life difficult. She's bounced between diagnoses, making treatment difficult, and because there is no family history of these symptoms we're not sure if it's heritable or not. As a result, it's super important to us to 1) explain the story of where she's living is in the kindest and most loving way possible, and 2) be super on top of things so we can be ready in case the baby does experience symptoms later in life.

I have been trying to read as many first-person memoirs and stories as I can from people, and particularly loved The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn Saks. That's where I learned about the term "prodromal schizophrenia" and the phase of people's lives where they may first begin to experience magical thinking, mood disturbance, or paranoid thoughts before their first "classic" symptoms of psychosis or hallucination arise. May I ask if you experienced prodromal symptoms yourself, or if you have any thoughts on how to best tell the difference between them and the kind of depression, mood swings, and anxiety that can just come with the territory of being a teenager/young adult? I'm trying to figure out what to look for that could be a sign that in addition to depression symptoms, a teen might experience a break from reality soon.

I figure the obvious best bet is "have a great relationship with your kid so that you notice and be there if things get hard in early adulthood", and "prepare him explicitly for things he should look out for and ask him to tell me if he starts having thoughts like being watched, his food being poisoned, or having ideas/images that don't feel like they belong to him appear in his mind." Or do you think that if you had been told as a child that you might have your mind play tricks on you and you should tell someone if XYZ happens that would have made you feel like you were doomed to scary experiences or like there was something broken about you? I don't know the best way to explain to a child that he may or may not experience something far later in life, and how much and what kind of information is helpful as opposed to something that would turn into a source of fear and self-doubt.

Thanks so much for any thoughts you may have!

Hi there anon!! Thank you for reaching out, I think it's awesome that you are doing your best to educate yourself/yourselves about the schizo spec experience as a result of this situation!

Firstly, I'm wondering what y'alls relationship is to the mother? If at all possible, I recommend getting to know the mother. It will first off give you a firsthand secondhand understanding of the type of psychosis she’s dealing with, and hopefully over time, things that have helped her feel better. Second off, hopefully it will demystify psychosis to you guys on some level, so it isn't this scary foreign object that your child might be harbouring. And lastly, it makes it easier to communicate with the kid as he gets older about who his mother is, why she wasn't in a place to raise him herself etc.

If for whatever reasons getting to know the mother is not an option, finding another way to get in touch with adults who deal with psychosis can be good. Psychosis can be very hard to understand for people who never experienced anything like it, but by reading accounts from people who have (as you are doing), and ideally through meeting and getting to know people who struggle with these things, it starts to feel less alien. Or so I believe. The common human response to psychotic people is often dehumanization. Because it's too painful to internalize that this is a real person like everyone else having emotions and experiences that are as real to them as any emotion or experience is to anyone else. So talking to adults who go through life with the veil to the nightmare realm being a bit too thin for comfort, is important, so you don't feel like psychosis = lost child. (Not instigating that you do, just stressing the importance).

So the thing about psychosis and so on is that yeah, so there's some genetic component in here, but as you also allude to, psychosis is many different things. That said, looking at diagnoses, getting a diagnosis of schizophrenia, autism, adhd and schizotypal is more likely if you have a parent with either of those diagnoses. So a schizophrenic parent increases the risk of autism too etc. At lower instances this is true of every psychiatric disorder.

This is all to say, diagnoses are a simplified way to look at a complex reality. But people who go on to develop psychosis, and not uncommonly their direct descendants, often have what could be described as non-specific neurodivergency that can go in different directions. As a result, most schizophrenic people, for instance, relate strongly to autistic and adhd experiences (and some have earlier diagnoses of such).

Kids with this type of non-specific neurodivergency are prone to experiencing bullying etc, which can be a bad feedback loop for developing psychotic tendencies (bc kids with psychotic tendencies get bullied more + bullying causes an increase in psychotic symptoms).

So what I'm getting at is that there's a good chance the kid might face some difficulties in life, and trying to build him a safe base at home and a place to express his emotions and experiences (even if they're weird or concerning!) without judgment, is very important.

To answer your question, yes, I think you'd say that I had a prodromal phase. But in my case it's a bit odd to say, since it happened when I was very young. In kindergarten and early school years, I experienced what would generally be referred to as such. And by middle school I was paranoid and delusional to a classic psychotic degree. In a lot of ways I was lucky that school was very easy to me, and I figured out ways to deal with these symptoms and get through life for the most part until this started falling apart in uni when I was in my early twenties, where I eventually was put in a position where I had to face professional assistance .. This may come across as unusual based on the literature, but I talk to many many psychotic people, and the vast majority of those that I talk to, had paranoid ideation, extreme magical thinking, hallucinations and dissociation as commonplace in childhood. Often it takes years before it gets acknowledged as such, but nevertheless.

So for me, while my dad might qualify for diagnosis beyond adhd (which he has), my (late) aunt was the “big bad schizo” in my family history. My dad told me some frankly quite terrifying stories when I was a child about his schizophrenic sister, about how she behaved, how she was treated (in the 60s and 70s), her beliefs, her suicide attempts and her suicide. As a child I felt a kinship to this aunt who died many years before I was born, but it was equally clear to me that my dad was traumatized by the way he lost his sister, and I was terrified of becoming “like her”. So like. That was not a helpful approach, I can say that much.

That said I enjoyed kinda having her as a weird icon of ‘the other weirdo in the family’ on some level I didn't yet know how to explain. So I think that talking to your kid about his mum is good and important, including her struggles, but I think it's important to do so in an age appropriate manner. I don't think you need to spell out to him that he should look out for these signs in himself, it will come naturally, if he knows his mother was “like that”. If he starts to experience things, he now has words and context to begin to understand what's happening to him. That's the key to building “insight” on a lot of levels. And if you manage to present it as something that isn't a literal death sentence, he may be more willing and feel more safe to talk to you about it too.

On that note, I think that regardless of his mum's condition, it's important to introduce him to the concept of psychosis and associated experiences as a spectrum, so he doesn't assume that there's only one way to be “like that” with one common result. So like, don't specifically tell him to look out for things like whether he is feeling paranoid, bc I don't think that's helpful. But letting him know that his mother struggles with/has struggled with such thoughts and experiences, and it's a type of disorder that has a name/names, and can manifest in many different ways, could be a helpful middle ground.

As for how to tell other teenage difficulties from the prodromal stages of schizophrenia, honestly it's neigh impossible. I would argue that the presence of ipseity disturbance points towards schizophrenia, but I wouldn't recommend asking a bunch of questions related to the experience of self, bc that's triggering as hell if he IS dealing with that .. So I think my best advice is to deal with symptoms as they arise, and don't look for a specific inevitable pattern. There's no real way to know the future, and if you expect Y symptom once you've seen X symptom, you can accidentally push him in that direction. So I think that responding to any given symptom as a standalone experience, rather than as a sign of a specific disorder, is the best approach. The worst thing that can happen is you guys starting to interpret his whole person according to the expectations of a disorder (even if he does get diagnosed with said disorder!). He's always an individual first.

An important note is that it's not like we have any treatment that definitely halts a prodromal phase anyways. People talk a lot about early intervention, but from my perspective it's pretty controversial.

Sure, if you can afford it, it might be great if he has a therapist that he trust during his teenage years, to talk things through with etc. But other than that there's not much to do. I'm not really a proponent of early intervention antipsychotics, and I think the best is to not assume the steps ahead, but just help him wherever he's at. Plenty of people go through what could accurately be described as a prodromal phase without ever developing further, too. Sometimes things just are, and your kid is a bit of a weirdo, and that's fine! :p

On the note of memoirs and so on, I don't know if you read it, but I really liked the book “a road back from schizophrenia” by Arnhild Lauveng, I think it may be a relevant read too. The English translation is lackluster, but it still gets the points across I feel.

At the end of the day there’s no real way to predict if your child will experience these struggles, but hey, that's true for any child! He has a whole life of experiences ahead of him, some good, some bad. And the best you can do is be by his side, and try to give him a safe space where he feels that he can be himself and talk about his experiences, good or bad. And this also includes respecting when he sets boundaries and doesn't want you involved, which can be hard if psychosis is involved. But the best way to keep being a safe person long term is to respect his boundaries, even if they are arbitrary or doesn't seem to make sense based on your understanding of the world.

Just the fact that you are sending this message to this account, I take as a wonderful sign of your investment in this kid and his future. I hope you will love him lots, and he you (and your partner). I hope you have a happy beautiful family ❤️ with or without psychosis.

#suicide cw #long post

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floridakilo · 1 year ago

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Recommendations for online stores for dress shopping?

i mostly just use depop and ebay……but for new clothes saks off fifth has good quality dresses (non fast fashion) for very cheap……

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soie-lux · 2 years ago

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where will you be shopping for your new staple pieces/ wardrobe? ❤️

Ralph Lauren, Theory, Reformation, Jenni Kayne, Naadam, The Curated, Holland Cooper, Fairfax and Favor, Brooks Brothers, Gobi, M.M. LaFleur, and Modern Citizen are all places I recommend! Shopping at big retailers like Saks, Nordstrom, Net-A-Porter, and Neiman Marcus with caution and attention to the brand and fabrics used in each piece. Also consider buying vintage if you can/if that's something you're comfortable with!

#asks #soie lux

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giritina · 1 year ago

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i'm sure youve been asked 10000 times so if thats the case, just let me know and i'll go look myself! but do you have resources you recommend for schizophrenia or schizotypal? (or honestly just psychosis in general..) its really difficult to find anything that actually talks about anything beyond a breakdown of the standard symptoms

I actually don't get asked very often!! I hope I can help!

I made this post a while ago that links different therapy types and a really good academic paper collection.

I also absolutely love Ellen Saks "The Center Cannot Hold" and it helped me understand myself a lot better as well as showcasing amazing disability rights advocacy. I listened the the audio book which IS very fucked up and weirdly read, but it works.

I love the blogs @schizotaxic and @hauntedselves , their posts helped me a lot early on.

I also have my schizotypal tag that has a lot of analytical posts from all these sources

#schizotypal #schizospectrum #schizophrenia

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persimmonteas · 8 months ago

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hi shay! if you're doing them, i'd love to hear about Thethuthinnang, Clover, and Bluebell for the watership down book asks!

Thethuthinnang: What book do you want to recommend to everyone you meet?

Bad Blood by John Carreyrou about the now-defunct medical startup Theranos is a wild ride.

The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness by Elyn R. Saks is a vivid recounting of the author's experiences with academia and schizophrenia.

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes: And Other Lessons from the Crematory by Caitlin Doughty is written by a mortician and will make you think about death and mortality differently.

Ametora: How Japan Saved American Style by W. David Marx is just a super fascinating book about a niche topic.

I'd Rather Be Reading: The Delights and Dilemmas of the Reading Life by Anne Bogel is a fun book for readers about readers.

The Duchess Deal by Tessa Dare revived my hope in historical romance books. If you like romance, read it!

How to Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis should be required reading for anybody who is neurodiverse.

Clover: What book has fundamentally changed you?

When I Grow Up I Want to Be a List of Further Possibilities by Chen Chen is a beautiful collection of poems.

It's Lonely at the Centre of the Earth by Zoe Thorogood is a graphic memoir and was relatable as a fellow creative who was depressed through her early 20s. This Is How I Disappear by Mirion Malle made me sob.

Death Wins a Goldfish: Reflections from a Grim Reaper's Yearlong Sabbatical by Brian Rea is thoughtful, amusing, and charming.

A Common Table: 80 Recipes and Stories from My Shared Cultures: A Cookbook by Cynthia Chen McTernan is one of my favorite Asian cuisine cookbooks.

In the Small Kitchen by Phoebe Lapine and Cara Eisenpress is a fun cookbook that chronicles their 20s.

Bluebell: Have you ever laughed out loud while reading?

The Hidden Legacy series by Ilona Andrews made me giggle a lot (two words: ferret heist). I'm also partial to the Innkeeper series.

The Masterful Cat Is Depressed Again Today by Hitsuzi Yamada is a manga series that is very totoro x way of the house husband. I too would like a giant cat butler.

Full Sack: Thanksgiving Erotica by Layla Fae is so ridiculous and so charming at the same time lol.

Bookish asks

#book recs #this was fun! ask me again in a year haha

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douglysium · 8 months ago

Text

Episode 4 TMP Quick Thoughts

Housekeeping and Prologue

Hello, this is Douglysium and you might not know me as that guy who wrote over 100 pages of analysis on the Eye (which can be read on Tumblr here (https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/735599414228484097/the-relationships-between-the-dread-powers-the) or Google Docs here (The Relationships Between the Dread Powers: The Eye- Knowledge is Fear and Ignorance is Bliss)) or as that guy who wrote an article on the Extinction (which can be read on Tumblr here(https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/717929126195003392/what-would-avatars-of-the-extinction-be-like-a) and Google Docs here(What would Avatars of the Extinction be like?: A TMA Speculation)). Suffice to say I might be a bit of a TMA fan. Also, spoilers for TMP up until episode 2. You can read my ramblings on the last episode here (TMP Quick Thoughts 3).

However, Protocol offers a very unique opportunity and experience for me because I didn’t actually get into TMA until after it was over and I binged all of it. So this is my first time experiencing something even remotely similar to what the original TMA fans probably experienced when waiting for each episode week by week and slowly having to put everything together with the limited information they had. So I decided to throw my hat into the ring since this might be my only chance to do something similar. However, I’m working on some longer form TMA content so I can’t spend as much time on these articles giving a bunch of super detailed thoughts. I will try to keep these short and that inevitably might mean some could have questions about why I think or predict certain things and in those cases I would probably recommend you read at least some of the two articles I mentioned above to get a better idea of where I’m coming from. This also means I won’t be giving you a play-by-play of every single thing that happens in the episode so I encourage you to listen to or read them yourselves and feel free to comment if you feel something is important.

These reviews are probably going to end up focusing mostly on the Entities and their manifestations as they are what I have thought about the most and spent the most time interpreting and there’s been a lot of… interesting theories floating around about how the Entities are manifesting that I want to go over.

Finally, I’m just going to say it right now, spoiler warning for all of The Magnus Archives. I know that Jon and co said one could start with Protocol and be fine, and while that’s probably true, media like this tends to be made in conversation with or take into consideration what came before it in the irl chronology in order to connect them. While I’m sure you could skip The Magnus Archives, I don't really see the point of skipping over it when we are already getting characters from TMA showing up in TMP in Protocol. So to me it’s pretty clear that if we want to understand the full picture of TMP and all the things it is trying to say then we can’t just try to pretend TMA doesn’t exist or scrub it away. Just because you could understand what’s happening without the context in broad strokes doesn’t mean you're getting all the nuances.

These articles are meant to be quick and short so sorry if there’s typos and if I don’t address every possible question or possibility. I don’t want to repeat myself too much in this series outside of the prologue so be sure to skim some of my other articles.

Big Oopsie

In my last discussion around Episode 3 I realized I made some major mistakes with my interpretation of the statement. Luckily, it turns out most of the specific points about the Entities I mentioned still apply but it definitely pushes Webber’s statement towards having more themes revolving around The Corruption. On Reddit I posted notes in the replies of the post with the mistakes I made and how that changes my reading of the episode. I also have the corrections in italics on the google doc and Tumblr versions of that episode.

For the sake of convenience before I look at this episode here are the paragraphs and their corrections.

But then there’s that weird rash infection with all the roots. I mean yeah there’s a very real argument for The Corruption, both thematically and physically, but Leitner has mentioned that the Powers can manifest as anything that generates the fear they feed off of. Not only that, but there is a precedent for The Eye manifesting as a disease or infection. Albrecht von Closen had an encounter with The Eye after coming across a tomb and taking a bunch of old books with numerous statements (something Jonah later stole). In MAG 127 (Remains to be Seen) it’s clear Albrecht is being beset by a strange illness and he is becoming sickly and dying (he’s also spouting statements and staring at people). Albrecht later dies from unknown causes (the mysterious illness) and an autopsy reveals that his internal organs, bones, and inner skin had been covered with eyes… but there’s no eyes visible in this TMP episode. It might literally just be a disease caused by Webber not getting medical treatment or it could be The Eye trying to force Webber to choose between hiding and dying or risk going out and interacting with people. To risk being perceived.

Okay, here is where I make my first mistake. I say he doesn’t like how Jasmine talks to Gerard even though he is clearly talking about Maddie and in addition to that I misread and misheard Gerald as Gerard. So she was talking to someone completely unrelated to the Eye. Something that weakens my point for the Eye.

But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. The Corruption is more likely a possibility here. Jane Prentiss mentions that she didn’t like The Eye and her worms reacted to it. She even described it as anathema. So maybe the fear of being perceived is similar to what Jane experienced. Additionally, the Corruption often ties into themes of toxic love. Specifically, forms of toxic love we might find disgusting or repulsive. The Corruption doesn’t just relate to physically disgusting things but also behaviors and mentalities we might find gross. Someone can be physically sick and have a “sick” behavior or be “sick” in the head. Here we see Maddie caring for Webber even as he rots away but she never seems to try to get him the help he probably needs from other people.

You could also argue that Webber seems unhealthily attached to Maddie and is using her to enable his self-destructive behavior. Not to mention The Corruption and disease with all the maggots going hand-in-hand all the time. Something I stupidly forgot in the original version of this was that in the very medical files NORRIS is spitting out, Maddie is “Maddie Webber, age 39 – Deceased— ” and in addition to that the part of the file before this says “journal of Dr. Samuel Webber, age 46. Issued by grief councillor Harriot Manning.” So if this is being documented by Webber as he is turning into a tree that would mean either 1. Maddie is already dead and this is all happening due to the doctor’s unhealthy emotional response and attachment or 2. The doctor possibly straight up killed Maddie. With this in mind that would mean that Webber’s panic attack is linked to the death of Maddie and the thing he is freaking out about is the possibility of people knowing he thinks Maddie is alive or that he might have killed her. The fact that he says “They don’t understand. I was so close to getting caught... but it’s done. All I need to do now is disappear.” points to the idea that he might have killed her.

This part of the statement “Thought I heard someone calling my name. No flashlight though, no movement, just the voice. Sounds like Maddie. My hands won't stop shaking” might have been The Corruption using the feelings of disgust and love Webber has towards himself and Maddie to call to him. So when Webber dies he rots away and can metaphorically join his also rotting life within the garden or dirt that everyone’s body will one day decompose into.

This wildly changes the reading to being way more Corruption coded. Someone who loved someone in such an incredibly unhealthy way he ended up killing the person he loved. There’s also an interesting metaphor here for the garden. Someone being killed and metaphorically or literally being used to allow a garden to grow as their body rots into something disgusting before being combined with feelings of shame, self loathing, and disgust. The Corruption and self loathing is something I haven’t really mentioned but there’s a precedent for it. As I’ve mentioned, corruption is the fear of disgusting things and that would often include the fear that you yourself might be disgusting physically or in terms of behavior. If you hate yourself you might say “I’m a piece of shit” and the idea of that is usually people find shit to be disgusting and repulsive.

There’s also an argument for The Flesh and body horror and in TMA sometimes The Flesh had a bit of garden theme, such as with Jared Hopworth’s domain.

In the original version I do mention The Spiral as a strong possibility but I also don’t give it a fear shake. I’m not going super in depth to it but Webber is clearly losing it and you could argue that maybe this Maddie person is connected to the Spiral and Webber acknowledges he is paranoid so he might be plenty afraid of going crazy. Mentions about how, for example, he is having trouble telling what time of day it is due to the unusual amounts of light could point to themes of The Spiral and being mistaken about something.

This statement is definitely more nebulous than the others so far but at the same time I don’t really see it being different than for example the vampire or that one time someone had to watch a video of a guy eating a computer. There are still statements from TMA that are just as nebulous and people are still debating to this very day what Entity these statements or beings might / should belong to.

Due to the additions I am more confident that this statement is probably connected towards The Corruption. Maybe like 85% sure this is The Corruption (If I had to assign an Entity and we assume they are still present) and the other possibilities being The Eye, Spiral, and Flesh respectively. With The Eye and Spiral being more likely than The Flesh.

Gwen enters the scene and offers Alice some sort of job “thing” on the 27th but refuses to elaborate on what it is. Which reminds me of the behavior Jonah had after taking over Elias and how he often held information from people like Jon for reasons that weren’t always clear. But eventually Alice gets Gwen to open up and she admits that it’s dinner with friends. Despite this it’s still kind of weird that Gwen thought to ask Alice of all people. They don’t exactly seem like friends so that’s strange. I can’t say if this means anything though.

Someone pointed out that Gwen is probably asking Alice to take her shift which makes a lot more sense then whatever the fuck I thought was happening. It’s still interesting that Gwen would ask for a favor though and then proceed to not elaborate which I still find really weird. Normally, if you ask for a favor you usually want to say why in order to get sympathy or understanding and trying to just get someone to do stuff for you for no reason tends to come off as shady. I still wonder if there’s a particular reason Gwen is so cagey. She asked what terrible event led Sam working for this organization in a past episode so I wonder if all the characters have some sort of trauma or encounter with the supernatural that is affecting them differently.

Episode 4 “Taking Notes”

Okay let’s get started with the episode. Once again we cut to hearing what’s happening in the show via the computers. I’ve already spoken about this 3 times at this point so blah blah blah something like The Web or Eye is watching through devices, maybe The Extinction if you want to go full on mad conspiracy theorist and I think Smirke’s 14 are still at play and if I’m wrong yolo but also maybe The Extinction emerged, who knows.

Alice immediately starts grilling Sam for trying to access restricted files after receiving a security notification from Sam’s activities. Sam was looking for terms relating to “Magnus” and “Protocol”.... roll credits.

But on a more serious note, this ties into a point I’ve been making again and again about Sam. He is extraordinarily curious and in this respect he is very similar to some other notably Eye aligned people like Jon. Additionally, the Eye just tends to attract people who are curious or want to know / witness something in various ways. Sam points out that there’s no reason Alice should be getting any computer security notifications and she says “I shouldn’t be, but you should be damn glad that this system doesn’t do anything like it should. If Colin caught wind of this he would have a meltdown! ” Which I think could also tie into The Eye since one of the things the Entity revolves around is the fear of being perceived and / or judged. So here we have Sam being caught doing something he clearly shouldn’t be doing and it’s being revealed to someone who shouldn’t have seen it. Alice, also belabors the point by saying Colin would be pissed if he found out what Sam tried to do.

I know that whether the computers are aligned with The Eye specifically might be debatable and if it turns out that these computers aren't Eye aligned this could debunk my point. There is definitely a precedent for it since the Tapes from TMA were actually aligned with The Web. However, I would argue that in the case of the Tapes, even though the artifacts themselves were aligned with The Web, taking statements and recording them is something The Eye still tended to do and The Web’s plan involved using the statements in order to metaphysically tie the Entities to them so they could be dragged to a new universe. What I’m saying is aspects of The Eye could still be at play.

Sam of course questions why files mentioning “The Protocol” would be restricted and Alice does what she usually does and basically tells him to stop asking questions. Which is fair in this case because the government probably doesn’t take snooping around secret files very lightly. This idea of the government catching you trying to take secrets and potentially doing something terrible if they catch you could also relate to The Eye. Alice says that whatever "The Protocol" happens to be it seems to be super high level lock and key stuff.

When asked how much trouble Sam could be in if caught we get this interaction.

ALICE

“All I know is it used to involve Starkwall.”

SAM

“Starkwall? As in “The San Pedro Square Massacre” Starkwall?”

ALICE

“The private military contractors yeah.”

I did an EXTREMELY light Google search and, at least on the surface, it doesn’t seem like this massacre is a direct reference to a real event. It’s also too early to make any hard guesses that aren’t just speculating but here are some of the first possibilities that come to my head.

Maybe, this massacre is connected to when the Entities first emerged and their first appearance caused some level of chaos due to a bunch of supernatural and weird stuff potentially happening. Maybe, it’s a lot more simple and it’s just a violent event tied to an Entity like The Slaughter. Sam seems to have a strong reaction to Starkwall implying that they are either famous or infamous to at least some people. Is this organization tied to an Entity like The Slaughter? It could also be that they specifically deal with fighting or dealing with the supernatural like how Section 31 of the police force in TMA was called upon to deal with supernatural things. Maybe Starkwall will even end having Hunters tied to The Hunt in the same way that Section 31 did? Of course, it’s way too early with way too little information to say with certainty.

I think it’s very interesting that, unlike TMA, none of the characters mention that they feel like they are constantly being watched no matter where they go in the O.I.A.R. facility in the same way Jon and co mentioned they felt like they were being watched in the Archives. It could just be that they haven’t mentioned it though since it’s not like that detail was dropped in episode 1 of TMA either.

When the statement this episode starts it is AUGUSTUS to which Alice responds “Hey! Augustus! Feels like I haven’t heard him in forever!” and we get this interaction.

SAM

So is this, like, a rare voice?

Gwen presses spacebar, irritated. The voice stops.

ALICE

Kinda. It’s usually just Chester or Norris. Augustus is a bit of a special occasion.

I once again have to wonder if there is some sort of logic or factor that determines when specific voices show up. I don’t know if Alice is aware of any possible triggers despite saying “Augustus is a bit of a special occasion” since she could simply be joking.

The statement itself is one of the easier ones to summarize I think. Basically, someone gets a violin of the “finest craftsmanship” from a strange gentleman by a fire and quickly realizes that using the violin allows him to play amazingly but comes at a cost of blood and pain. Either from themself or others. Eventually, the musician secretly gives his nephew the cursed instrument as part of an inheritance. I would say that this statement is probably detailing an encounter with The Slaughter. We have seen time and time again cases of The Slaughter causing violence via music, such as Grifters Bone.

As we are regaled with the story we learn that this musician had a tutor at some point by the name of Oliver Bardwell (ha bard… like musician) and we are told he “nursed a conviction that this honor was purely the fruit of his own skills as an instructor, rather than a product of my talent and endeavor. Bardwell, a singularly vexatious man, reveled in the task of reminding me that, though my father may hold station in the Lords, the regrettable position of my birth ensured I could not rely upon that fact to provide for my future.” So we quickly learn that Oliver is an asshole and in addition to that the statement giver even confesses “In these moments of Bardwell’s cruelty, I shall confess I indulged my imagination in contemplation of what morbid or grotesque fates might befall him on the journey, by happenstance or even by my own hand.”

I think this helps point to parallels with The Slaughter. The Slaughter is an Entity born from the fear of violence and here we have the implication that Oliver was a potentially violent and cruel man which in turn caused whoever is giving the statement to wish to enact violence or misfortune upon Oliver. It is unfortunately not completely unheard of in various time periods and places for figures of authority, such as parents, teachers, and mentors, to attempt to enact discipline via forms of violence, or they might use violent methods as a form of negative reinforcement. It would not surprise me if Oliver was using such a method to try to get the narrator to play better. We also know that this statement was probably not super recent because we get “I paid little heed to his prattle or ambitions, spending those weeks en route refining my finger patterns upon the timeworn bridge of my cherished Rogeri, at least as far as the unsteady coach would permit.” and “Alas, as the journey continued, Bardwell’s practiced manners and veneer of refinement gradually eroded, and as the summer's warmth yielded to autumn's chill, his demeanor truly soured, a change hastened by each rut and jolt of the aged carriage” which points to the idea that they were traveling via horse pulled carriage. We also later hear about a coachman, so I don’t think that this statement takes place in a time where cars and / or planes were common.

Going back to what I said earlier about Oliver and violence we get this “I have made mention of the grim fantasies that on occasion possessed my youthful mind, but you must believe me, nephew, when I say I had no part in his death. I do not know what at last caused the frenzied paroxysm which seized him that night. He had slept but little the week prior, and the strain upon his nerves was plain to see. It was as I missed the fingering of what should have been a simple exercise, a mistake I ascribe to the coach’s jostling, that he leapt to his feet. Words tumbled from his lips, devoid of coherence, a symphony of mania conducted by some unseen maestro of his own imagination.” It is rather notable that when Oliver begins to become violent and frenzied the narrator immediately believes the source of this violent attack to be them. For some extra context a paroxysm is defined as “a sudden attack or violent expression of a particular emotion or activity.” It can also refer to “a sudden recurrence or attack of a disease; a sudden worsening of symptoms” but given the context of the scene and the fear of the narrator I assume the first definition is more applicable. It could also be possible that this is a double meaning. If we suspect that Oliver was violent before then the second definition could apply in the sense of a sudden recurrence of violence that has suddenly worsened.

We also get “I watched with growing unease as shadows danced upon the walls of his thoughts, their forms and nature hidden to me, save for what I overheard him utter beneath his breath, barely perceptible to the ear. At moments, it seemed almost as if he were listening to some far away music, though my instrument lay quiet beside me.” which points to a possible connection between The Slaughter and some of the rhythm or music it often likes to manifest as. I also think it’s interesting that the narrator mentions “grim fantasies” but reassures his nephew he did not kill Oliver. It has already been explicitly mentioned that these grim fantasies involved violence but it appears that the narrator is afraid that someone may suspect that they are reason enough for him to kill Oliver. This points to a theme of the cycle of violence, where one person might become more violent because someone else enacted violence upon them, so on and so forth.

After fighting “as though some specter flitted just beyond his sight and grasped his hands, moving them with wild abandon as Mr. Bardwell sought salvation from whatever phantoms haunted his waking dreams.” Oliver proceeds to throw himself head first out the carriage door and kill himself via busting his skull open. It’s possible that this could be a form of violence relating to self harm (since self harm could be considered an act of violence towards oneself) or maybe for whatever reason Oliver perceived something else to be attacking him. The event also causes the coachman to suspect the narrator of killing Bardwell. We get another allusion to violent outbursts in the past when it is said “He had been witness to many heated exchanges between myself and Mr Bardwell, and as I approached, it became clear he perceived not a terrified and distraught youth, but a violent killer.” So at the very least the carriage driver believes there is some sort of precedent or motive for violence here. This also shows us that the narrator in all likelihood is not so young as to be defenseless or immediately assumed to be innocent.

The coach driver’s fear of violence seems to become so great that “A primal fear seized the man, and he acted rashly. I shall not speak of what followed, but suffice it to say that I ended up alone, wandering in the night.” It’s hard to say what happened but if I had to take a shot in the dark, and consider the fact that the narrator doesn’t want to even speak about it, I have to assume that the coachman attacked them and they fought back in self-defense before being forced to kill the man. It’s possible that the carriage driver just ran away but we also have to remember that Oliver seemed like he heard “some far away music, though my instrument lay quiet beside me.” Is it possible that the coachman was also a victim of this unheard song? It would make some amount of sense considering that we soon meet a man who gives the narrator a strange violin that craves blood and can cause violence. Maybe the violin is what they heard but I am unsure and I don’t know why the narrator themselves wouldn’t have it heard. It could just be coincidence or some other factor like The Slaughter preying off the coachman’s fear.

Speaking of, the narrator meets a strange gentleman sitting by the fire and the man probes the narrator for his story while offering food. After hearing the tale he sighs and says “"Fortune does seem to have forsaken you," he mused, his expression unreadable and his tone strangely conspiratorial. "Indeed, I would suggest a stroke of luck is much in order."” before giving the narrator a strange violin. As he does, we hear about some of the other trinkets “Within it I could spy an assortment of trinkets, ranging from battered knives and chipped porcelain to fine jewelry, small ivory figures and even a set of gambler’s dice. "Luck assumes a myriad of forms, " he proclaimed, his practiced manner warm and inviting, “and today it takes the form of a simple traveler offering you his wares. You mentioned playing the violin, I believe?””

I wonder if this man is similar to Mikaele Salesa and considering that we will soon get an episode about a strange pair of dice I wonder if the set of gambler’s dice is the same set. If it is that would point to the idea that the man is not only collecting Slaughter artifacts in the same way Mikaele wasn’t aligned to any particular Entity and collected a variety of their artifacts before giving them away.

We get a bit of detail about the violin “Placing a bow upon the string, and in a single

fluid motion, he executed an echoing double stop that resonated with a satisfying thrum. He said nothing as I examined it, ascribing it no history, no famous maker or master luthier. The neck, a paragon of symmetry, led the eye from the deep crimson hue of the upper bout gradually surrendering to a subdued natural mahogany as it descended.” but as the musician continued to trace their fingers along the string “At that moment a cry of pain erupted from my throat, a cry that shocked even myself, as I realised I had cut my fingertip upon the strings. The merchant only smirked, looking at me as one might a boy who'd touched a cooking pot.” This is the first hint we get at the violin’s darker nature. The noted “deep crimson hue” the violin has might symbolize deep red blood. It could even be the vestiges of someone else who played the violin and had to give a blood offering.

After the violin player makes his way to Manheim and eventually plays the violin, we get an interesting note. “A tremor of apprehension coursed through me as I faced the silent assembly, and it was with an unfamiliar feeling of uncertainty that I gripped my new instrument. Its neck, more slender than its predecessor, sat awkwardly in my hand, and as I began my fingers fumbled in their search for purchase upon the strings. I attempted the first of my well-practiced recitations, but my playing was inelegant and rough, eliciting only dismissive whispers, and derisive muttering from my audience. A surge of indignation and fear welled within me, urged on by the knowledge that I, my father's sin, who had done terrible things to reach that hall, could never return home in disgrace. I executed a 'jete', a jarring musical demand for their attention, a declaration that I must be seen, and heard. A rapid and perfect volley of eleven notes, past which no murmur, no whisper lingered. I had their complete attention.” I’ve been pretty adamant that the Entities are still feeding off fear in TMP and to this end I would point to the fact that the violin seems to take full effect when a “surge of indignation and fear” wells within the musician and we later hear “I could see in the faces of my audience an astonishment, and something not

entirely unlike terror…”.

The violin player also makes note of “the knowledge that I, my father's sin, who had done terrible things to reach that hall” which to me increases the likelihood that they ended up having to fight and kill their coach driver since I don’t know what else they could be referring to outside of rampant misplaced guilt.

The violin reveals its true nature when “As my eyes opened, I saw of blood pooling on the neck from where my skin should be, as the uppermost layer of the fingertip dangled, torn and hanging like discarded parchment. Pain and panic blossomed, but no option remained other than to play, and to play the most daunting melodies my mind could conjure. Sluggish at first, as I felt the strings run their length against my bloody flesh, then rapidly accelerating, crescendos intertwining diminuendos, a dance of command and submission enacted upon the strings.” and we hear “I was, of course, accepted, hailed as a singular talent. Yet a suspicion took root in me. A realisation that the positions of “player” and “instrument” were not so firmly set with this hungering violin. It was a creature with needs and purpose of its own. The needs were simple enough. Blood. Flesh. Little enough at first. Skin shaved and cut and singing in pain. And the rewards were great, as with each performance, agony intermingled with melody, and my bleeding fingers lubricated those resonating strings. ”

So in order to play the instrument the narrator must give an offering of blood, or what might be more broadly an offering of some sort of pain. The musician soon comes to the grim realization that “The blood for its strings need not be your own.” “Only once did I play it without paying its price: wrapping my fingers in thick bandages so as to prevent its razored strings from cutting me. I had believed my playing would be lackluster, my performance uninspired. Yet the music that came from my instrument that day was somehow more beautiful than it had ever been before.” but then “They fell upon each other then, a dance of teeth and nails, of tearing and gouging. I watched as a gout-ridden man in emerald silk sucked the eyes from his son’s skull and crushed them in his jaws like ripe cherries. A demure young woman bedecked in gold peeled the cheeks from her betrothed as she sang to the music that I could not stop playing. It was only when a candelabra was upended and the room engulfed in flame that I was at last able to cease my recitation and make my escape. ”

So the violin seems to have abilities quite similar to that of Grifters Bone, who we know is aligned with The Slaughter and they can play a song that causes extreme violence. The narrator describes the violin as being a creature so it’s possible that when it’s hurting him he perceives it as an act of violence or maybe the act is a sort of metaphor for self harm or aiming your violence at yourself. The violin apparently sounds more beautiful than ever when it is drawing from the blood and violence of other people so it could be that the more pain and blood offered to the violin the more beautiful it sounds. This violin also might be a metaphor for the “tortured” artist trope. The idea that you must endure great pain or suffering to be a great artist.

A lot of people wonder about the relationship between Slaughter and music and while violence itself isn’t tied to rhythm or music certain institutions that enact violence are, most notably the military and various armies throught history. Whether it be their rhythmic marching or a drummer beating their instrument in order to keep the army moving in proper rhythm or even acting as a way to raise their morale to get them to continue fighting. Roles such as these have actually been around for quite a long time which could explain some of The Slaughter’s manifestations. At a certain point it would be unsurprising if the sound of a kind of drumming might make you assume an army is on its way.

“The Spirit of '76” by Archibald Willard

Phrases like “beat the drums of war" can refer to preparing for or inciting a war and Merrian-Webster defines a war drum as “a drum beaten as a summons to war or as an accompaniment to marching or fighting.”

In addition, some genres of music, such as metal or rock, are thought by some to be violent. There are stories of people making deals with the devil himself to get some sort of skill with an instrument. There are also rumors of genres such as metal being used to recruit the malleable youth to join the devil or commit acts of violence and / or murder (especially during the satanic panic in the U.S.).

As always, there are going to be other Entities that overlap with some of the fears. The Desolation overlaps a bit here, and the Entity can be so similar to The Slaughter that some people ask what the difference between the two actually is. The Desolation seems to be the fear of loss, usually but not always via destruction or damage, and The Slaughter is the fear of violence. Like all Entities they do overlap a bit and can have similar manifestations but to give a general idea- if you are afraid of your house burning down that’s usually more The Desolation and if you are afraid of being stabbed by someone that’s usually more The Slaughter. Of course, exceptions always occur and these things can be very muddled. For example, you might lose someone you care about to violence and violence often goes hand-in-hand with threats of destruction. You could also argue that the violin could be threatening to take your fingers in a sense and the musician does mention the fear of being sent back and basically losing what they have worked for.

The fact that the narrator seemingly cannot stop playing the violin could relate to The Web via being controlled by something and the fear of being in front of a watching audience that is judging you could relate to The Eye, but I still think that The Slaughter has the strongest precedent here.

We get confirmation from Sam that this statement is rather old when he says “Why on earth would something from the 18th century show up on Freddy?” I’ve mentioned earlier that we don’t actually know exactly when the Entities would have appeared in this universe (if these are the same set of Entities from TMA anyway). Time seems like it gets kind of weird with both The Change and multiversal travel but I wonder if some of these statements are being carried over from the previous universe via something like The Eye, statements, or accounts stored in / on things tied to The Entities? Could a statement like this simply be from the TMA universe or maybe the Entities just appeared earlier than we thought? Heck, I still can’t discount that this could be a different set of Entities even if I personally lean towards these at least paralleling or mirroring the Entities as we see them in TMA and their categories (and I would go as far as to posit that they are probably the same Entities from TMA).

The transcript says “SAM and ALICE have been listening despite themselves. GWEN is still working.” which I think ties into what I have mentioned previously about statements. They connect to something a lot of people don’t want to hear and they are shown wearing on the psyche of people like Martin when they listen to them. The Archivist is also described as having the job of being a “living archive of fear” and witnessing the terror and fear of others so I wonder if the people working at the O.I.A.R. have some comparable role.

Gwen then gets an email notification on her pc and we get

GWEN

Hmmmm?

She opens the attachment a recording plays. The audio quality is very

poor.

KLAUS

(video, begging) Please. Please, you don’t have to do this!

YOUNGER LENA

(video) We both know I do.

KLAUS

(video) /I I-could disappear again! They would never know!

GWEN

(Gasp) /Lena? What the hell?

Computer turns off.

This once again points to a theme The Eye has of randomly leaking information but it could also be The Eye or even Lena trying to stoke Gwen’s curiosity. Encouraging curiosity is something that The Eye and Jonah seem to like to do with curious people such as Jon, Tim, Melanie, and even Rosie. This also potentially parallels Jonah killing Jurgen Leitner after the man comes out of hiding. Something that might be more likely than we give credit for if we consider that the first statement of TMP seems to parallel the first statement of TMA with a story that sounds like an encounter with the Anglerfish.

Conclusion

I don’t really have much to say here but feel free to leave your corrections or thoughts and I may give my 2 cents or say if I agree or disagree with them.

#tmp #tma #the magnus archives #the magnus protocol #discussion

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