#SORTA BEGAN HIS INSECURITIES AND SHIT IDK

[cynicallyneutral]

Day 11: Childhood

i always like to hc that these babies had been friends when they were kids at some point....how could u not...theyre both nerds lmao

[bunnykass]

INARIZAKI AS FEELING IVE HAD WITH GUYS IN HIGH SCHOOL

this was supposed to be funny but became very reflective and sorta emotional for me. therapeutic tho😌

TW: mentions of underage n*des, cursing, grammar and spell errors

KITA - the senior in my law class freshman year.

He was country, would wear cowboy boots to class and levi’s (i live in texas). He was a eagle scout. very sweet boy. always brought coffee in those cups to class,and he drove a range rover. i’d share sunflower seeds with him all the time and id make fun of him cause instead of breaking the shell and eating the inside, he’d just eat the shit whole. but like i said he was 18 and I was 14. more of crush we never really did anything, one time though he did argue with me on snapchat about immigration and the annexation of hawaii. He had a brother who was a freshman, and in the beginning of the second seamstress I would flirt with him but again me and never did anything.

OMINI - my freshman english teacher

(tw mentions of sexual assault, grooming, teacher-student relationship)

LMAOO. i had just gotten really into lolita (gross🤮) and so I would literally talk to older guys on the internet (one time i met up with marine even though I was like 15) ANYWAY, so when I started his class i was like damn we about to have a ezra and aria shit. he was super nice to “pretty girls” and “pretty boys” what I mean by that if you weren’t the beauty standard, he was kinda a dick to you. one time he pissed me off though cause he lost a assignment, made me re-do it but only gave me a 70, and i lost interest in him after that. he also accused me of defamation of character because i found his mugshot and was showing everyone.btw he was accused of SEXUAL ASSUALT??? but apparently the mugshot was fake or wasn’t him i don’t remember. he never counted me late or absent tho

ARAN - my best friend

been friends with this kid sense 8th grade. He was in love with this girl though that was leading him on all though out middle school but i really had a crush on him by the time high school started he had gotten over her. when we were freshmen’s he told the whole football team I was a whore cause i wouldn’t send him nudes (i know this sounds bad but i promise it wasn’t plus this was 3-4 years ago) so we didn’t talk to each other till summer going into sophomore year. me and him are still friends and we literally hang out almost every weekend, i love him and he’s loves me. he’s very thing i’d want in a boyfriend but because we’ve been friends for so long doing intimate things with each other like sex seems weird. While we both wish we could be in a relationship we both realstically know it wouldn’t work :(. <3

GINJIMA - my freshmen boyfriend

had fallen in love with me when like school started but like my best friend aran said, i was whoreing’ (not really tho cause i’m still a virgin) so when he asked me to homecoming I was like no. but eventually through out the school year me and him got closer we had like 3 classes together, 2 of them were back to back so we were jus cute like that. my first legit relationship, he was nerdy as hell and the biggest fucking dork. my freshmen year I was what the yt would call a hot cheeto girl and i weighed a lot more back then and he was 6’2-skinny white boy so we fucking looked like glora and melman from madagascar. were like discord moderator and daddy’s kitten shit. he was funny but he was really mean to me and because i was very insecure at the time i lacked setting boundary’s so i’d just take it. he also bought me a roku which i still have today, he was always buying me shit, and i taught him how to take dick pics. he was the first guy that didn’t just like me for my fat tits but i felt like the only way i could keep him around was by oversexualizing myself which ultimate let to him breaking up with me :( honestly no hard feelings though we were both like 15. him an his current girlfriend are so cute, and me and him are cool.

this is a conversation we had a few weeks ago.

SUNA - my yubo boys

my take away from being in highschool is guys do not give a shit about what you look like or how you’re built, unless they’re insecure, and also self-worth. I got on yubo my sophomore year and had it till my junior year. if you don’t know what yubo is its essentially a teen dating app. now i never went to meet these guys irl i have friends who did... and i just want to stay ted bundy would’ve had a field day with these hoes but would engage in online sexting. which ig is illegals cause i was still under 18. at this point in my life i was just so insecure and seeking male validation that i was throwing ass for people over the internet to people i would never meet. this isn’t one person either this is a collective of i don’t even know how many boys. i feel sick thinking about this but i cant take it back and i just have to encourage my sister and potentially future daughters about this.

Miya twins - my tower moments

these two, like the miya twins are very similare but different. I consider them both tower moments because after them two i change completely how i viewed myself and life. if you aren’t familer with tarot the tower card represents sudden and necessary changes usually the situation tends to me negatives and the outcome following is good. these two are also my most recent compared to the other and i’m still dealing with them today which is why i wanted to give a lil intro. idk if yall believe in astrology but those two have gemini in there big 3 and idk i feel like that has a lot to do with our situationship

OSAMU- my theater teachers son

so technically majority of our relationship was middle school but it carried into high school.he was so mean to me up until 8th grade like i said he was my theater teachers son, and he hated her class. at that time his family had so many issues and i think he didn’t have a outlet. my brother had died around the same time so i too was going through shit. while our issues weren’t the same he definitely confined in me a lot and trusted me with so many things, i don’t think a boy/guy ever just laid everything on me like that and it wasn’t in a “be my therapist” kinda way. he fucked up though, we were in musical theater behind the stage in a closet. his mom was just a couple feet away in the audiences teaching class. me and him were talking per usual, and without a warning he put his tongue down in my mouth. and tried putting his hand down my bra. i was so fucking scared i had never been touched like that. it was my first kiss and i didn’t even tell him he could do that to me. i obviously stopped taking to him after that until the summer going into freshman year when we started sending nudes back snd forth. i don’t like to blame people for my problems but i think i began to hyper sexualize myself because of him. when i wouldn’t send him shit he’d block me, ive finally outgrown him as i now my self worth know occasionally i’ll unblock him and hang out with him for fun but it’s nothing serious. he’s stuck on me like tic though and always bring up the fact he kissed me once in 8th grade 🙄

ATSUMU - my “twinflame”

he was a year older then me and i met him on snap chat that should’ve been a red flag. we started by sending nudes but eventually we started to develop feelings however as soon as things got serious he’d pull out. when his relations with other girls wouldn’t work out he’d always come back to me during that time together he’d love bomb me. take me on dates make out with each other in front of hobby lobbies on sunday, my happiness started to depend on if he talked to me or not and this went on forever. by the time quaratine happened he blocked me because he got a girlfriend? idk if that’s why he blocked me but i assumed that eventually he unblocked me because pussy that good. i gave this man so much power over my life that when i took it back i truly learned by self worth. i will never tell this man this but because of all the shit he pulled on me i’m actually confident. i don’t regret meeting him. occasionally he does try to pull his shit on me and i play along with him. i think the reason i can’t let my gemini boys go is because i’m too scared for a relationship but i know that no matter what they’re both their for fun 😌.

[what-ever-happened-to-chip]

Lana and Memo hangin out

“Memo!” Lana stepped into Harrys domain. She glanced over at Harry who was quickly changing the screen from Marcus’s room to Cloud who was first person he thought of to click on. 

She frowned looking at him. Harry tried to look normal and leaned back in his chair, he over did it and fell out of his chair on ground. He got up quickly, collected himself and adjusted his glasses back into place. Lana moved past and went in memos room, slamming the door after her. 

He rushed to his screens and clicked on Memos room

“Quite a crush you have there Harry.” 

“Do not!”

Christian lifted his gloved hand and waved his fingers in front of Harry “Oh to know a mind better then the holder”

“You’re annoying, shut up I am watching” 

“Memo!! I needed to talk to someone and I don’t trust anyone but you with this! Plus I think Harry was just watching me”

Harry inched closer into the screen drinking it all in like it was alcohol to an alcoholic. 

“Umm yea whats going on, and yea he probably was he’s been watching you a lot” Lana found a place on the bed pushing various papers to the side in process.

Harry raged inside at this pixie bitchs comment. How dare she reveal his secrets to her? He would deal with this latter. 

Memo quickly walked up to them and began stacking them in a neat pile and slipping then in various desk drawers. 

“So I have been acting so weird lately ! Like I just like word vomit, I have been saying all this stupid shit to Marcus and its just embarrassing and half of it isn’t even like true its just a passing thought anyhow so we were hanging out and I am rambling out pathetic bullshit and then anyhow hes like why are you saying this it isn’t like you and i am like IDK why I just am anyhow after a bit of this he pulls out his guitar and sings me this beautiful song about me and I cry and like I was already crying from this song he sung earlier about Aiden that was so touching and beautiful and then it was just like all okay and we had sex for hours. Like really passionate beautiful sex. The kind that you don’t even care if you finish cause the experience was the orgasm.”

Memo sat taking this all in and nodding at the appropriate times and blushing at the end at how candid Lana was about intercourse. It always made Memos stomach hurt talking about it. Lana said if she just went and had sex she wouldn’t feel like this but Memo doubted it. Shes witnessed plenty of people who find talking about sex weird who have had it. Look at Squall. 

“What kinda dumb stuff were you saying?”

“I don’t know just shit about how I want him to call me his girlfriend like that sorta shit, which its like when I was with Jamal I refused to let him call me his girlfriend cause it seemed all possessive and labels are stupid when like you know what it is. Like I am definitely with Marcus and him calling me his girlfriend or not isn’t gonna change that so why have I wanted the label so much? Its just weird like it just came out of nowhere I just felt insecure about that and then it seemed like it intensified and I couldn’t stop blurting it out.” Lana paused to light a cigarette, digging the ashtray I kept under my bed out. It made Memo happy that Lana knew where to find things in Memos room. Also a little uncomfortable. She knew Lana would never read any of her diaries without permission but she would casually look thru her art books without asking. And to Memo those were also a diary of sorts. She started sorting her art books and keeping the more personal ones in the hidden drawer in her desk. 

“ I don’t think thats dumb, maybe it was on your mind cause of that stuff Rinoa was telling you a few weeks ago.” 

Lana contorted her face into thinking and then her face gleamed when she remembered the interaction. “Omg your so right that musta been it!!”

Harry paused the screen and sorted thru his files and found the memory he was looking for and turned that one on.

“I am surprised you don’t have all of Lanas interactions with everyone memorized,” 

“I do I am just playing it for you” 

“Well I do have it all mem-”

Harry cut him off “hmm shut up no we’re watching it” 

Christian obeyed and smiled at Harry in his creepy way and slowly turned his head to watch the screen.

-Flashback-

Rinoa, Lana, Memo, Jenn, Orihime and Yuna sitting in a room. 

“This was so cool of you to arrange this girls day Rinoa!” Jenn gushed while shoving popcorn into her mouth. Trying to be dainty about it, which is impossible with popcorn. Always looks like shoveling food down your gullet like its the only thing left to eat. 

“Wheres Paine?” Yuna inquired

“She doesn’t really count as a girl, pretty sure she has a dick now” Rinoa stated while laughing, popcorn flying out of her mouth in the process.

“Oh I don’t believe that, I should call her she would like to be here I am sure” Yuna started digging for her phone only for Rinoa to grab it and toss it in the corner 

“No phones its girl time.”

Yuna was about to protest but decided against it and grabbed some gummy worms to munch at. 

“Okay so what we gonna talk about.” Orihime asked 

“Hmm have you guys seen the new bachelorette?” Jenn asked 

Harry quickly fast forwarded as Jenn, orihime and Rinoa all gushed over the show. Yuna looked like she was trying to pay attention but was really lost, Lana looked bored and Memo looked uncomfortable and started doodling in her book. 

“Speaking of boys! Lets talk about them” Rinoa flipped her hair and stared at all the girls like they were targets and she was trying to figure out which one to shoot. 

She zoomed in on Memo “So are you like with Thomas?”

Memo looked up like a deer caught in headlights. “Umm no we are just umm friends”

“OMG shes totally with him.” Orihime literally pointed at Memo and looked for back up laughs from the rest. Rinoa and Jenn laughed with her

“He’s soo weeeiiirrdd” Jenn laughed then cut it abruptly to ask “ I just don’t see what you see in him like he like killed people.”

Lana stepped in to save Memo “If killing people is your reason for someone to not like someone shouldn't you hate AIden? He’s killed plenty of people including you

Jemm looked away and pouted, Rinoa decided to fight this battle for her friend 

“Who the fuck are you to talk? Just cause your jealous doesn;t mean you can talk to her like that.” This girls time was getting catty pretty quick

“Listen I have nothing against Aiden I am just saying Jenn seems to forget who shes dating and pick on others who don’t fit her ridiculous standards.”

“I don’t think its ridiculous to not like murderers” Jenn stated triumphant in her come back 

“See you did it again! Aiden is not this puppy angel you seem to view him as! I mean love who ever you want I don’t care I just wish you would have some logic with what your saying!” Lana got up and flew her hands in the air “This is just ridiculous why did I even come to this” 

“Oh Lana I am sure they didn’t mean to upset you” Yuna got up and started rubbing Lanas back

“Seriously Lana cool down your just embarrassing yourself” Rinoa said, rolling her eyes at Lana and looking at Jenn mouthing  “look ?  isn’t she such a slut”

Orihime quick to want to impress Rinoa piped in “Yea Lana just because your single and choice to slut yourself off to everyone doesn’t give you the authority to talk about true love.”

“What the fuck!” Lana began flapping her arms around “Stop calling me a slut! Besides, I am with Marcus!”

“Hmm thats cute you think that, I don’t recall him ever calling you his girlfriend?” Rinoa shot back giving her a sideways smile that felt so condescending that Lana wanted to punch her. 

“ I mean just cause we don’t label it doesn’t mean we’re not together” 

Memo decided to try to help her friend out and horribly failed in the process “Yea Lana never has a boyfriend shes always just with them” 

“Omg see she is a slut, how many people have you “been with “ Rinoa laughed and threw some popcorn at Lana

“This is stupid come on Memo lets leave” Memo didn’t have to be asked twice and jumped up and followed Lana out the door.

“That wasn’t really nice” Yuna said 

“Whatever Yuna, you should know a slut when you see one, seeing well lets be honest you have fucked around quite a bit” 

Harry as much as he wanted to see them all attack Yuna needed to get back to more pressing issues. He stopped the video and unpaused Memos room to spy in.

“God Memo you're so smart ! I wouldn’t have remembered that in a thousand years! I try to forget all of my interactions with Rinoa” Lana laughed at his and snubbed out her cigarette 

“Happy to be of assistance!” Memo got up and sat next to Lana on the bed, side hugging her 

“You are my best friend and I don’t like seeing you hurt”

“I don’t wanna see you hurt either” Lana hugged back 

Harry huffed, “This is boring I don’t care that ‘yay they love each other’ ” He looked to Christian for back up but was disappointed once again at his response

“Is it uncomfortable for you to see friends who truly enjoy each other's company? 

“No of course not I have so many friends who love me its hard to keep up with it all” Harry said triumphantly 

“What friends do you mean?”

Harry stuck is fingers in his ears “LALALA NOT LISTENING”. I gonna drug Memo to say something she doesn’t want to say” His anger from her earlier he had not forgotten 

He stuck the needle in as if it was dope he was shooting up in himself 

Memos face fell, oh no did harry oh no he did.

“Ya know I been thinking about Joni a lot and all the stuff shes had to go thru and I wrote her a song” oh no oh no I didn’t want anyone to know that. Joni’s gonna think I am so weird. 

Harry beamed “OMG a song she better sing it”

“I am sure you can easily arrange that” 

“Yea of course I can but I hope she just does it without me having to drug her. I wish people would just do what I want”

“They appear to due to your meddling”

“J never talks this fucking much shut up”

“He doesn’t seem to do much talking to you at all these days”

Harrys face looked like he was ready to kill but decided to focus his energy into pumping more drugs into memo. His eyes flashed with hunger for the screen 

“Omg Memo thats so awesome! Can I hear it?”

Memo looked like she was gonna die from embarrassment but couldn’t fight off the cocktail of drugs running thru her. She slowly went a grabbed a guitar 

-song- --https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIQotBW1Gg8

“Omg Memo that was incredible! I wish I had half the musical talent you have!”

Memo blushed and set her guitar back 

Harry “OMG we should play this in Jonis room” 

“I don’t think this counts as a ‘we’ “

Harry scoffed at him and clicked around to locate Joni’s room

[this-ginger-has-no-soul]

The pornstache

(A/N): I’m so sorry you guys but I’m having really bad writer’s block right now and I couldn’t even write my own requests but I was sorta feeling this one so that’s why I’m writing it right now...sorry again

Request: CAN I REQUEST A SEB WITH THE PORNSTACHE? PPL ARE MAKING FUN OF HIM FOR IT AND HE ACTS LIKE HE DOESN'T CARE BUT PART OF HIM DOES BUT IT TURNS READER ON? LOL IDK, FEELIN' THE STACHE REAL HARD RN HAHAHA.

Warnings: hints of smut

Tags: @mcuimxgine, @ifoundlove-x0vanessa0x, @saradi1018, @holland-toms, @superwholockian309, @fly-f0rever, @capbuckthor, @livandlilah

   (I actually thoroughly enjoy the pornstache)

  You sigh softly as you listen to the roar of the crowd, just outside the blue curtains. This wasn’t the first time you’d ever been on a talkshow but no matter how many times you were on TV you’d never get used to it. You were much more comfortable behind some glass walls, singing your little heart out, not out in the open for everyone to judge you. 

   “And please welcome our special guest (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!” The curtains open and you plaster on a smile as you walk out, hoping no one could tell just how scared you were. 

   Jimmy Fallon, the host of the show you were on tonight greeted you with a wide smile and open arms. You gladly meandered into his arms, hugging him lightly as he beamed from ear to ear. 

   “It’s so glad to finally have you back on the show! It’s been what- 2, 3 years?” 

   “I think it’s been three,” You chuckle lightly, grimacing just a bit at your voice. “I’m so lazy, like it takes so much effort to put out music. You have to get out of bed, go to the studios at ungodly hours of the morning, sing for hours on end, and then repeat the whole process again,” You sigh softly, smiling just a bit. “But luckily I can look like shit and no one’s gonna notice right?” Everyone laughs at this, only partly boosting your confidence. 

   “Oh come on,” Jimmy gently smacks your shoulder. “I bet you look great,” 

   “Oh no,” You chuckle. “I look so bad in the mornings, like I’m surprised I don’t scare the shit out of my-” You pause, smiling as you think of your man back home; Sebastian. God, you loved that man more than anything. 

   “Out of your fiancee?” You nod and smile, unable to stop a blush from spreading over your cheeks. 

   “Yeah, I’m surprised he doesn’t leave me or something,” 

   “Um uh-” Jimmy chuckles, unable to even get through his sentence without giggling. “Speaking of your fiancee, aka Sebastian Stan.” At this everyone cheers, hollering and screaming at the mention of the love of your life. What made it even worse was that you knew he was watching from home, no doubt smiling as he recognized that tell tale blush of yours. “Can we just talk about his new facial hair?” At this Jimmy pulls out a picture of Seb with the mustache he’d recently been growing, a god awful pedostache. You laugh hysterically, snorting a bit as you look at the photo. 

   “Oh my god,” You laugh as you reach out and take the photo, looking at it more closely. “He looks like a poor kicked puppy,” You laugh some more, tears nearly falling from your eyes as you look at the picture. 

   “Do you kiss him with that thing?” You nod your head, still cackling at the photo. 

   “Oh it’s so great,” You giggle lightly as you pass the photo back to Jimmy. “But yes- yes I do kiss him with that thing,” 

   “Oh (Y/N),” Jimmy cringes, laughing just a bit. “It’s so bad though-” 

   “I think it’s adorable! Just look at this face!” You gesture to Seb’s face in the photo, still smiling widely. 

   “Everyone thinks it’s so awful though,” 

   “Well I think it’s absolutely adorable,” 

  “You really do?”

  “I really do,” You smile and nod affirmatively, looking at the photo again. 

  “So enough about Seb’s god awful facial hair-” Jimmy directs your attention away from the photograph and instead to an album, more specifically your album. 

   “So this is your fourth or fifth album?” Jimmy asks, giving you a slight smile. And with that conversation you delve into your interview about your most recent album. 

    You try to close your apartment door behind you quietly, hoping that you wouldn’t make enough noise to wake up Seb. It was 3 in the morning after all and after the show Jimmy had wanted you to stay and talk with him, the roots, and all the other guest stars on the show tonight. But as you open the door gently you began to realize that perhaps you may not need to be quiet after all because sitting right there on your couch is Seb, the remote to the TV clutched in his hand. 

   “Seb, What are you doing up?” You ask as you slide your shoes off, reveling in finally being free from the objective material. 

   “I was watching your show,” He mumbles sleepily as he rubs at his eyes in the cutest fashion. “I wanted to stay up and wait for you,” You smile softly as you make your way to the couch, taking a seat beside the exhausted looking Seb. 

   “You should’ve been in bed hours ago,” 

   “ ‘M fine,” Seb mumbles as he nuzzles into your neck, his mustache tickling your skin just lightly enough to border on tickling and pleasure. 

   “You’ve been up filming for hours straight, you should be resting,” 

   “I’m really fine (Y/N),” Seb smiles against your neck, his lips curling upwards wonderfully. “I don’t think I could’ve gone to sleep anyways,” 

   “How come?” You ask as you reach up to run your fingers through Seb’s wonderful hair. 

   “Well I’ve been meaning to ask you something since your show,” 

   “Yeah?” 

   “You really like the mustache?” Seb’s tone held just a bit of insecurity, one that you had to put a stop to immediately. 

   “Yes.” You reply quickly, almost too quickly. “I really like it, you can really rock the look,” 

   “I think you’re the only one who thinks that-” 

   “But that’s all that matters right? Who cares what your fans think, or some stupid magazine? So long as your soon to be spouse enjoys it then that’s all that matters,” Seb smiles gently as he kisses your neck softly, allowing his skin to brush against yours deliciously. 

   “That’s all that matters to me,” You sigh as his lips brush against your sweet spot with every word, each little brush of his lips sending fire to your core. 

   “You know what?” You smirk as you continue to run your fingers through Seb’s messy hair. “I think I’d like that mustache even more if you put it to good use,” Seb pulls away just a bit, looking at you with a curious look. “I bet your lips would feel incredible between my legs right now,” Is all you provide as you spread your legs apart, enticing your fiancee just a bit. 

   “Oh doll,” Seb sighs a bit as he leans down, his lips brushing by the waist band of your dress pants. “I’m gonna make you feel real good,” 

[thingswontbebetter]

January 9th,2019 Work thoughts not thots...

I love my job it gives me alot of time to just sit here and think and just reflect and work on myself as a person. yeah it is scary and lonely at times to have alone time to just sit with your thoughts ya know. I’m alone alot but i think thats not always a bad thing to be, often times it does feel like a bad thing and i think society can often teach a person that if you are alone you cant win at life, like if life is some sort of contest, life just feels like a contest that in reality has no real prize because in the end is one ever really happy when being compared to everyone on earth, i dont think so. but anyway... yesterday i was driving home from work and i began to remember an argument i had with Eric a couple of months ago. And honestly it was an argument that hurt me and made me feel so small and everytime i spoke to him there were so many times he made me feel like that and he wasnt even techincally anything to me. This particular argument i was playing back in my head was one in which i was talking to him about how i was sad and that i felt dumb because i didnt have any reason to be sad but i just felt like my day was not gonna be good or that something was gonna go wrong and trust me i know thats a really negative way to think of your life but there are days where i let my mind get the best of me and i feel like everything is wrong when its all just in my head. but so i was ranting to him about it because i thought he was my friend and i needed to clear my head, and he responded by saying that I was being irrational and that im dumb and that it was dumb of me to feel that way because there are other peoples problems who are more important and are actual problems and that my problems are real problems they are dumb problems he then went on to say that he has real problems and that if he were to tell me about them that i would be in tears. In that moment i knew that had to be the last straw but im sorry to say that it wasnt, it really wasnt.The sad thing is that in that moment i felt so small and so stupid because i felt selfish i felt so dumb like if everything he was saying was true. dont get me wrong of course my problems arent the end of the world and people do have way worse problems but thats not to say that my problems are nothing either. like once again life is apparently a race to see whos life if better or worse. Eric was just as shitty to me as the last guy i was with although the last guy i was with i didnt know any better and with eric i did know better i just chose to settle because of my own selfish needs. my own lonely needs. I wish i could know that this forsure is the last piece of shit, abusive, belitting, guy ill date but right now it doesn’t feel like i can truly say that because i thought that with Eric it was truly gonna be different, but then i said those words, “ when its good its good but when its bad its really bad” those words are words i dont even notice i had to use to justify these guys treating me like shit and i wish i could say that this time i didnt say those words but i did and i wish i could say that i walked away faster than i did last time but once again ding, ding , ding i didnt i froze up and continued to put up with it and i settled and what also sucks is that this time around he wasnt even actually my boyfriend he was just a boy toy, regardless it hurt and it still hurts but i know that i can only hate him so much because at the end of the day there isnt alot of hate left in me to give. Im still in the phase of hating his guts but also when im alone and stuck in my head i start to miss him and miss the passion and the “good times”. When in reality no matter how good those good times were the whole thing is bad. It was all bad in the end and although i can say that aloud to myself, my mind cant fully snap out of it. I also have been thinking about how i need to get a therapist and how when i was seeing therapists never once did i really talk about my ex and about how that whole relationship was toxic and abusive and how it really shook my whole world around.  Ive also been thinking about how Chris wont ever like me back and that is a lost cause as much as i keep hoping its not im pretty sure it is. Im also thinking about how i have a friend whos a relatively new friend to me and i cant stop thinking about kissing him but like im not attached to him i more want to be someone i kiss and can have around to talk to but also thats very fucked up of me because hes a super cool dude and he doesnt deserve that at all he deserves just the best. but also i dont think that he thinks about me in that way at all i think he very secure in who he is and we might be very similar but like i dont think he will ever see me as someone he wants to kiss i think he sees all my other friends like that and im like last on that list but maybe thats just my insecurities talking idk... i also think sometimes well maybe hes lonely too and wouldnt mind kissing me and such as long as we stay friends and keep it a secret ya know but i think that in the end wouldnt work because i dont know how to be a heartless bitch so i would get attached or hurt easily i mean idk theres just so many reasons i shouldnt be thinking of my friend this way hes like off limits sorta but he also did say if he ever dated anyone in the group he feels it would be akward or weird cause my best friends are dating but when he said that i dont think he meant that about me he probably meant it about my other friends. idk i need to occupy my mind but right now every thing anyones ever said to me is just replaying in my head.