#SORRY LITERALLY NO ONE CARES MY BAD anyways TLDR WILL POST TOMORROW !

[hoshiina]

chat we are SO BACK THERE WILL BE A POST TOMORROW

[scornocopia]

love love love making art hate hate hate that it’s my only redeeming quality . i feel like. coggy. and also like .it’s totes impossible to make something finished that i can actually ……. look at or reread without seeing the plethora of fundamental issues with. i mean all art has issues no matter how seemingly perfect that’s just how it is. and even stuff with quote unquote no (impossible) or minimal (less impossible) issues definitely has been revised to hell and back to polish the precious thing clean and shake the issue fleas off its coat. i don’t know why i hold my current self to such a high standard as if i’m gonna die tomorrow and there’s absolutely no room for growth or improvement or fixing the fuck ups. i feel like growing up glued to a screen and also living for other people has seriously ripped up my core. ‘the thing about people pleasers is that they often end up pleasing no one’ i forgot where i heard that but yeah basically. the likes make me feel good and one like from a mutual or person who’s user i remember on my draws is like 17298474 likes to me but i just wish i never got into the framework of Draw thing, post, wait for attention, draw thing, post, wait for attention, draw thing, becayse i genuinely do enjoy drawing and making stuff so much it’s why i have a billion unposted pictures of my wife to swoon over oh my god she’s so beautiful and awesome that lady is gonna be the death of me and i’d be perfectly fine with that but i seriously just. feel like i’m complaining about something that i did to myself which is essentially how i feel about every single problem. oh you’re bitching about a headache from lack of caffeine as if you didn’t get yourself hooked on that shit in middle school. oh you’re bitching about your hazy memories that are barely memories as if you didn’t choose to do the heroin or coke or meth or drink the booze or eat all that xanax and molly. oh you’re bitching about how you feel betrayed as if you didn’t choose to respond to your groomer’s FUCKING GOOGLE DOC APOLOGY SHE SENT YOU AFTER GETTING CAUGHT not before you called her out AFTER. and you still thought it sound. and you still thought she could’ve changed. and you still thought she ever cared about uou. and you still love her because of course, she was STILL the first person to ever make you feel useful. oh you’re bitching about how your pelvic floor dysfunction is most likely abuse inflicted as if you didn’t choose to crawl into an actual fucking monster’s bed at 13 and stay there for a couple years too long. oh you’re bitching about how hollow and used you feel as if you didn’t choose to whore yourself out and let dick after dick after dick after dick fill the she made void. oh you’re bitching about how disgusting your kinks and fetishes make you feel as if you didn’t ok this started out as an art ramble and derailed into unrelated victim blaming myself pretty quick Which i know is unhealthy and irrational. i know deep. well, not even deep down i jsut Know that some things were out of my control and don’t make me any less of a person or bad or stupid but i think i just needed to rapid fire that off to make myself see how fucking dogshit and wrong it is to think that way. with that being said i do still choose to submit myself and myart to a couple algorithmic hellscapes in a sorry attempt to get a like from someone who doesn’t care if i live or die, but that’s content BABY. THATS CONCRETE BABY. i wonder if the art to csa derailment has anything to do with the fact that no one gave a shitting fuck about my stupid furry drawings besides a literal kiddy diddler. whatever i’ll think qbout it more later as to not explode my brain i think my brain needs a little silence emptiness anyway tldr for myself later;boohoo boohoo look at me i feel a little less insane after insanemaxxing. also stop being a bitch to the child you once were you fucking actual unhinged dick it makes you irrationally shameful and is unproductive to any possible improvement.