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wawawawawawawawawawawawawa · 2 years ago

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i feel like this about izaya but i cant put it into words, i guess like because. i see him as a guy with aspd who doesnt know how to manage a disorder he doesnt know he has, or he's learned somewhat but the alternative was less miserable?

because, see the thing about aspd is. when you're first learning how to manage it, it's miserable! aspd is kind of like, an addiction to dopamine. in aspd your brain produces like. 4x the amount it should. and a lot of times, aspd and adhd are both there, and with adhd the dopamine is very very low. see? these two work in tandem! you don't WANT to recover, because being ill feels better. you're happier, you're entertained, you get rushes of dopamine all the time... but you're horrible, probably. like izaya says, in order to be entertained you have to keep evolving. you have to do worse and worse things to satisfy yourself. that's when it changes from acceptable to A Problem. because one day you're a writer satisfied by making their friends squirm and cry from angst, and the next you're actively triggering people for a reaction. and its hard to stop because the dopamine, there's just so much of it.

what i'm saying is, it's a mental disorder that feels very good to have. like the mania of bipolar- like when you're manic, you suddenly feel invincible and so so so so good, until you crash? like that feeling. it doesn't WANT you to recover, and you also don't want to recover, it feels so good to have. but it also doesnt because youre lonely on account of the aforementioned Sucking. studies show that theres a correlation between "people with aspd who recovered" and "people with aspd who are married," but did the marriage fix them or is them attracting a partner indicative of their aspd being "less severe?" and therefore more likely to recover? ah if only we had a person with aspd here we could ask them-

PSYCHE MOTHAFUCKAAAA THATS ME!!!! it's probably the first one. lol. i started improving symptomatically once someone came into my life and actually STAYED there. he didn't "fix me" but he did help! and i wouldnt say i'm "recovered" wrt the aspd- it still is a disorder that feels very good to have.

but what i'm saying is- izaya. if he has all this. this, "inescapable negative outcome" is. yeah. he either "recovers" and regresses back into a depressed ball of boredom, surpressing every single impulse or emotion because "what if it's the one that makes me lose control?" and being terrified of becoming a monster like everyone says People Like Him should be.... OR he leans more into the behaviors and urges he knows suck, spiraling into a domapine-addiction that slowly makes him into a worse and worse person and remaining lonely? like. he's already lonely!!! neither outcome actually promises real happiness, so at some point you;d be tempted to lose control, just to get SOMETHING. and i think that's what happened to izaya. and this isnt to be like "oooooo baby nothing is his fault," we can talk about how all this IS his fault like, mental illness and addiction do not excempt someone from consequece and douchebaggery. but it IS something to think about- like, those suicidal girls fell down a spiral of mental illness, and so did izaya. like, he sucks, but also, you can kinda see how him being neglected all his life means there was no other way this couldve gone, especially with knowing shinra. like, he sucks now, but he never really had an oppurtunity to be anything other that that. there was nothing else that would've happened, because of every other inevitable thing.

and how do i know that someone w aspd would eventually choose the willing mental spiral? i am ACTIVELY developing a drug problem right now, i know my chance of becoming addicted is VERY high and possibly am showing early signs like cravings and stuff. i know. but i'm still taking the drug because it's doing exactly what drugs do to people- make them trmporarily happy and get rid of the boredom and sadness of repression. i know what's going to happen to me but i was eventually tempted into it. you would be too if you had my life.

People think "gray morality" in fiction is about Both Sides Are Partly Right Actually but so much more often it's about choices having inescapable negative outcomes that have to be weighed against the benefits, or it's about having to choose between a series of bad options, or it's about making hard decisions about what you are willing to sacrifice to achieve the outcome you believe is good.

So often, I seem to see people angry that a story in a video game didn't present a Good Option with no collateral damage and no negative outcomes whatsoever, and if there are any downsides it's seen as the writers punishing you for the decision, because they see the primary purpose of stories to be moralizing rather than exploring the complexities of human experience. Or they argue that the collateral damage didn't really happen, or that the negative outcomes weren't really that bad actually, and thus miss the point altogether.

And I feel like it's important to remember that a narrative telling you a decision is difficult is not the same thing as the narrative telling you it is wrong.

#waposts #my brother tomorrow: DAMN YOU REALLY TYPED THAT ALL OUT?????#FOR ANYONE TO READ???????#ON YOUR *TUMBLR BLOG???????????*#YESSS I DID #HOMNE SLICE #SORRY :( FOR THE LONG POSTTT::::(#ON YOUR POST :(#AND RE BLOG OF THE POST :(#im not all that sorry :(#sorry for lying abt how sorry i was :(((#wawa zaza #does some weird weed shit. still cognizant enough to not forget my tagging system #THAT SHIT IS ON INSTINCT NOW!!!!!

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queenpiranhadon · 10 months ago

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A/N: UGHH IM SO SORRY I'VE BEEN SO CAUGHT UP WITH EXAMS I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO POSTTT. Anyways here's chapter nine :D. This chapter is written by the lovely Nyota (@labaguetteisdabest). You can find the masterlist here

Warning(s): Apex gets panic attacks (kinda), mentions of death

Pairing(s): Kaepex

Three Days Later...

I snack on an apple I discovered I had, at some point, packed in my bag, and flip the pages of one of my favorite books.

But the excitement flowing through my veins keeps me from focusing all the way.

Clip clop.

The rhythmic clopping of the horses’ hooves had become reassuring by now. It tells me that we’re on track and that everything is fine.

Totally fine.

But there’s still something nagging at me. It feels... weird that there’s no other carriages traveling this route. This one isn’t the most popular, but it’s commonly used.

So, then, why is there no one here?

The carriage begins slowing down. I peek out the window, delighted to see the lush gardens and pristine pathways that surround the palace I call home.

Burgunjax Palace.

The carriage stops moving, and I hear Avior jump down to open the door for me. I grab my bag, sling it over my shoulder, and adjust the red vest I’m wearing.

Once the blond knight opens the door, I hop down, my black boots thumping against the cobblestone.

I look ahead and I feel a smile spread across my face.

Home, I think. Finally.

The palace looks just like when I left. The same white bricks, the same colorful mosaic window on the largest tower that shows the Pyracent crest (a golden crown with a flame in the center; simple, I know), the same red-roofed towers...

But it’s eerily quiet.

Too quiet for a wild 11-year-old boy who’s probably overly excited to receive his Reya.

What shocks me the most is that the drawbridge is open. … My parents would never leave it open.

Something’s not right.

Avior says something I don’t hear and walks off. I begin to walk towards the palace.

Something rustles in the bushes behind me. I whip my head towards the noise, but there isn’t anything there.

I step in the palace warily.

��Hello?” I call, uncertainty lacing my voice.

My footsteps echo through the halls as I make my way to the throne room.

No one.

The kitchen?

No one.

The maids’ quarters?

No one.

The stables?

No one.

I rush up the stairs, worry flooding my veins, my heart racing.

“Is anyone up here?” I try to disguise the shakiness of my voice, but it doesn’t work too well. My voice is still noticeably shaky.

Covyn’s room?

No one.

It's messy, as if someone trashed it and bolted away so they weren’t caught in the act.

And while the Covyn I knew was young, I feel like he would never mess up his room this badly.

Daxton’s room?

It's a long shot, but maybe he came back for a visit while I was gone?

No one.

My parents’ room?

No one.

“Where is everyone?” I ask aloud. My eyes begin to water.

It feels like I’ve been abandoned.

They all knew I was returning soon.

The letters I exchanged with my parents and Covyn said that he was counting down the days.

So why is no one here?

Is this a cruel joke?

I hate feeling like I've been abandoned, thanks to my older brother, Dax.

I rub at my eyes gently, careful not to irritate my burn.

But the emotions overwhelm me, take control of me, and I fall to my knees, trying my best not to cry.

A sudden crash comes from outside.

I jump, startled, and leap to check out the window.

I clap my hands over my mouth in horror.

A reddish-brown wild animal – but not an animal, somehow? - had jumped at the carriage. It tears the wood apart, splintering each piece and throwing them around. Then it stops, suddenly. It sniffs the air and turns in the direction of the palace, so I can finally see what animal it is.

It's a bear – but at the same time, it isn’t. It has the body of an espyn, but bear attributes are all over its body. Reddish-brown fur, sharp claws and teeth, fuzzy ears. ...

Its eyes.

Its eyes are teal.

The same shade as my father’s.

The same shade as Daxton’s.

And when I look closer, it’s clear that the bear-espyn-thing is Dax. I don’t know how I can tell – the behavior of the creature that used to be my brother, maybe?

The creature that used to be my brother.

Those are the words that throw me over the edge. My body is racked with quiet sobs and hot tears stream down my face.

Someone screams from outside, and I hear a loud snarl.

I whip my head towards the sound.

The bear-creature had attacked Avior.

“No!” I shout, disregarding my own safety.

I want to run down there, to save Avior, but I’m frozen in place.

I watch the animal slash its sharp claws at my friend, deep red lines appearing in their stead.

“No, no, no, no, no,” I mutter under my breath.

My eyes continue to widen to levels I didn’t even know were possible as I watch the scene play out below me.

Avior shrieks in pain when the bear-espyn-thing knocks him off his feet.

The animal pins Avior down.

And slices at his face.

The tears only keep streaming from my eyes as I switch to thermodynamic vision and watch the heat gradually fade out of my friend.

The bear-espyn-thing – whatever it is – clambers off into the gardens farther away from the palace, sensing that its job is done.

I want to run down and... save Avior? I don’t know.

But what I do know is that it’s not safe yet. And I don’t know if it ever will be.

My stomach growls and I realize that I desperately need to find food.

There's no way I’m surviving off a singular apple.

I've scoured the entire palace – and for the record, this place is huge. And I haven’t found a single scrap.

So, either my family escaped and took everything, or my newly-turned-bear-brother ate everything before I arrived.

The latter seems more likely, considering I have no idea how long Dax has been here.

Panic begins to pulse through my body.

I have no food, for one.

Two, my brother is half bear.

Three, I don’t know why he’s half bear.

And four, I have no way of communicating with other survivors – namely Cari and, ugh, Kaeda.

Even worse: Kaeda’s my best bet on surviving. She lives closest to Asraxvale and is probably having the same thoughts as me.

Now, I hate Little Miss Flawless with my whole soul, but if she’s my only way of survival, I must accept my fate, right?

Or she’s already been attacked by some other wild animal and is unfortunately (read: fortunately) bleeding to her death.

I don’t know which I prefer.

But my preference on whether Kaeda survives or not shouldn’t be my greatest concern right now.

I should be worrying about my survival.

As I walk back to the immaculate staircase, I hear a low growl come from far behind me.

I freeze, then slowly turn my head.

The Daxton-bear-espyn-thing is in the entryway.

Crap, I think.

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

I need to run.

I sprint up the stairs, two or three steps at a time, and run into the first room I see.

It’s Covyn’s room.

Where can I hide here? I think. Panic clouds my mind and I can barely think straight (not that I could in the first place).

I scan the room frantically, then realize:

The closet.

I dash across the room, dodging the disarray on the floor. Hopping into the dark closet, I gently shut the door behind me.

Then it hits me.

Oh, how cliche.

I quiet my breathing so that, if my brother comes in here, I don’t get caught.

One minute passes.

Then two.

Then three.

Heavy footsteps come from the hallway, and I bite my lip so I don’t shriek.

Just don’t die, Adrienne.

Just don’t die.

#adrienne “apex” pyracent #kaeda leona cynet #kaepex #star crossed haters #kaeda x apex #my writing #creative writing #writer #writing #writers on tumblr #writeblr #writers and poets #writerscommunity

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