#SO i’ve been freezing weed brownies. this is fine. but then they’re frozen. shocking i know

[fingertipsmp3]

Another thing that happened tonight is I incinerated a weed brownie for no reason 👍🏻

[why-mca-blog]

Night Life (Chapter 3)

Joining the (Non) Travelling Circus

I open my eyes slowly, and quickly shut them again and bury my face back into the pillow to avoid letting the sunlight filtering through the slightly opened curtains reach my eyes. I lay there for a moment, remembering the night before.

Five had got me situated in a vacant room, I think he said it was Ben’s, and then had his mother come tend to the bullet hole complete with shrapnel on my shoulder blade. As soon as she left the room I was out like a light. I’ve never fallen asleep that fast in my life.

Sluggishly, I push myself up as gently as I can, attempting to not pop a stitch. I stumble to my feet and change into a pair of sweatpants and a baggy sweatshirt, choosing to be comfortable for once in my sad and pathetic life. Or at least what used to be my sad and pathetic life. I almost forgot murdering people makes you interesting (really creepy, but still interesting) by default. So I chose to be comfortable for once in my sad and no longer pathetic life. Improvement.

The pain in my back has shrunk significantly to an ignorable dull throbbing thanks to the painkillers Five’s mom gave me last night. The moment I open the door to leave the room, I’m being shoved back inside with Five slamming the door behind us.

“Not going to happen.”

“You’re not putting me in solitary confinement. I’ve killed people, but I’m not in prison yet.”

“Trust me, meeting my family without having a warning for all parties involved is much worse than prison.”

“Ooh! We’re going to a party?” Annoying Five is quickly becoming my new hobby, which works out because I’m ridiculously good at it.

“(Y/n)...”

“Five…”

“Goddamnit shut up and listen.” Not wanting to annoy him to the point of murder, I take a few steps back and sit cross-legged on the bed, looking up at him expectantly.

“Alright, just listen and this shouldn’t take too long.”

Within the next fifteen or so minutes, he explained as much as he thought I should know about the rest of the Umbrella Academy. How Luther is huge, has super strength, and doesn’t get most social cues because he lived on the moon for four years. Diego's talent with knife throwing and how he and Luther are constantly at each other's throats. Allison’s way with words and how that essentially ruined her life. Also how she and Luther have this really weird sexual tension that everyone ignores out of fear of being traumatized more than they already have been. Klaus’s habits. Klaus’s humor. Klaus’s existence. He had a lot of warnings about Klaus. He talked a bit about how he usually avoids the family (which he obviously clarified was because he’s better than the rest of them and that they’re all useless). He touched a bit on Ben, but all he said was that he was gone. He looked so torn up at the thought that I didn’t press the issue. Of course, he mentioned Vanya. How she’s normal, but she’s also Five’s favorite sibling, although he’d never admit it to her. The only one he could tolerate. Not to mention her talent on violin. He also touched on how the others aren’t a huge fan of Vanya, because of her autobiography.

“Well, that should just about do it.”

“Great. I need coffee, can we go have breakfast now?”

“Don’t leave my side.” Before I could argue, he took hold of my wrist and teleported us to the dining room.

“I was starting to think you two would never come down.” Five’s mom smiled sweetly over to me and set two plates on the table, gesturing for us to sit.

“Wait, ‘you two’?” A man dressed in a black leather fight-suit thing, which I guess might be Diego, storms in the room, jaw hitting the floor when he catches sight of me.

“Holy shit, Five is willingly socializing?” At that, three others burst into the room.

“I mean, I knew you must be horny from being on your own for thirty years, but Five, it hasn’t even been a full day.” The eccentric man that could only be Klaus didn’t stop at that horrific picture. “I mean, that’s a new record, even compared to me. Who knew innocent little Number Five would end up the slut of the family?” I was frozen in complete shock and shot a glance over to Five, who did a terrible job of hiding the beet red flush over his face, which he had buried in his hands. I completely lost it. I drop to the floor howling with laughter, tears streaming down my face. I could feel the four pairs of eyes burning holes in my skin, but my failed attempts to stop laughing aren’t because they’re staring, but because the painkillers are wearing off and the laughter raking through my body is making me want to scream in pain. From his seat at the table, I hear Five mutters a muffled “it’s not that funny” from behind his hands.

Grabbing a chair to help myself stand. Wiping away tears, I breathe deeply and let it out quickly.

“Not that funny my ass.” I take a swig of my coffee and turn to the rest of the Hargreeves. Or at least all of them except Vanya. She must have an apartment of her own.

“So I’ve heard a lot about you guys, but I don’t want to take the grumpy old man’s word as law here, considering he hates people as much as I do.” I smile to myself as they just stand there in stunned silence. “I have hope for you to not be the complete shitheads he described. Well, most of you.” I look up at the man towering over everyone in the room, slightly intimidated.

“Okay, but is no one going to question who this kid is or where the hell they came from?” Allison looked at Five questioningly, and while he was still sitting unresponsive, turned her focus to me. Shit, this is it I guess. Luckily Klaus chimed in before anyone else could.

“Seriously Allison? You have a daughter. You know where they came from.” His comment lightened the mood enough for me to get the guts to respond.

“First off, ew.” I started, exaggerating the ‘ew’. “Secondly, Five and I met while getting coffee. He also just helped me run away, so I guess I’m living here now.”

Diego glanced at me with pity plastered on his face.

“Welcome to the family, then. If Five thought this hellscape of a household and clusterfuck of a family was better to bring you to than wherever the hell you were at, I’m sorry for your PTSD. Also, if it really was that bad, you’ll fit in just fine.”

Before I got the chance to respond, Five was falling to the floor in front of Diego, dumping his coffee on his head. He proceeded to shove him back, yelling the whole time about how if I had let him he would have brutally slaughtered my aunt and have no remorse. I’m not surprised about his claim, which would certainly not be unlike him, but more so how quickly he went to defend me. I was fine with Diego’s comment, but I’m flattered nonetheless.

Allison watches in horror while Klaus is quite obviously entertained by the scene playing out in front of him. Then, tearing his eyes away, Klaus looks over to me.

“Can you hook me up with whatever drugs you have him on? This is the best thing I’ve ever seen.” I laugh, and Klaus gets his first good look at me.

“Holy shit, I know you!” Everyone else freezes at the claim and turns to face Klaus and I. I take a second to think if I actually had met him before. I’m sure I would have remembered.

“Yeah, you were selling brownies in that alleyway, right?” That’s it. I remember it now.

“Oh, yeah. That.” I roll my eyes replaying the situation in my head. “Trust me, Klaus, if I had been selling weed brownies, a cop wouldn’t be waiting in line for it in uniform.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes I do, I’ve sold weed brownies to cops before.” I roll my eyes at the horrified expressions from the others and continue. ”The trick is to sell the harmless stuff in suspicious places so they don’t think twice when they see you selling the good shit out in the open.” At that, Diego goes ballistic.

“You have got to be kidding me Five!” He gestures dramatically to me and Klaus, and I smirk, knowing where he’s going with this. “We already have one druggie here, did you really think two would make it better?”

“Well, I had no fucking clue!” Five shot back, clearly pissed that he didn’t pick up on something that wasn’t even there in the first place. “They didn’t seem to be high or having withdrawn.” He turns to me and shoots a glare at me, and because I don’t want to be the cause of his rage, I step in cutting him off.

“They still don’t seem to be high or having w-”

“That’s because I’m not.” All eyes are on me again. “Look, I just came from a really shitty life where I had no friends, everyone hated me, and I could only be myself when I was sneaking around the city while everyone else was asleep.” I sigh, figuring now my little nighttime shenanigans are going to have to be shared.

“I like creating chaos in nice ways. It makes even more chaos because no one expects anyone to break the law for something so sweet and innocent.”

“Wait so you’re a fucking criminal now, too?” Diego had a look of concern and disgust, and I almost laughed.

“If that’s what you want to call it, then sure.” The questioning looks from the others told me I should probably clarify. “Okay, well if you must know, the worst I do is break into the public library to leave hand-drawn bookmarks and sell baked goods to druggies. The munchies are something that shouldn’t be fucked with. People have literally cried when I sold to them.”

“That was one time!”

“Klaus you were crying because you thought I laced the brownies and I didn’t.” I pinch the bridge of my nose, shaking my head. “You tried to return a half-eaten brownie.” I turn my attention to the rest of the group, giving them a soft smile.

“So, it’s nice to meet you all. I’m (Y/n).” I sit down at the table, letting the smile drop off my face and scaring the crap out of them with the most annoyed glare I could muster. “Can I have my fucking coffee now?”

Five shoos the others out of the room and plops down next to me.

“You had me scared for a second there.”

“You? Scared? Five I’m not an idiot I know that’s not possible.”

“When you said ‘the worst I do’, I thought you were going to follow it with something along the lines of ‘murder people in donut shops’.”

“Oh yeah, because I’m definitely going to try to win over your family by talking about the people I’ve killed.” I roll my eyes and keep talking, wanting to prove to him how idiotic he sounded. “Hi yes, you know that mass murder at Griddy’s last night? That was us. Surprise, you have some serial killers on your hands now!”

“Okay, I get it. Drink your fucking coffee and shut up.” I salute him with my middle finger, smirking as I take a drink of my coffee. I have a feeling I’m going to have a lot of fun here.