#SO CRY TO YOUR MAMA !! /VIOLENCE IS YOUR KARMA/ !!

[miwtual]

[pipipinyyy]

Explaining why I have added every song in my entire and very long Niragi playlist because I can and because over analyzing him is my passion (I usually update it from time to time but I'll do it with the current songs)

Completely self indulgent post, but I decided to share to feed my fellow Niragi stans (*˙︶˙*)☆*°

This is entirely based on my view of the songs and how I interpret them while thinking about Niragi. I'm aware that most of them have entirely different meanings, this is just for fun :) (Also sorry if my explanations don't make much sense, English is not my first language and I might make mistakes when trying to put my feelings and thoughts into words)

This may contain manga/s2 spoilers

Hayloft-Mother Mother: Vibes

Criminal-Britney Spears: The whole song describes him ("he is a sucker with a gun") and the fandom's obsession ("mama I'm in love with a criminal")

Daddy Issues-The Neighborhood: I feel like he would act like this, using the most vulnerable spots to pick on someone ("cry little girl, nobody does it like you do")

Psycho-Jin Dogg, OVER KILL: Vibes

Riot-Hollywood Undead: He'd definitely start a riot like he did in the 10 of hearts, burning and destroying anything that crosses his path

Bitches-Mindless Self Indulgence: He most likely thinks he's a total fuckboy and popular with girls since he can get almost anything he wants out of scarying people

Baby's on Fire-Die Antwoord: Vibes

Insane in the Brain-Cypress Hill: This man is being consumed by his own way of protecting himself

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing-Set It Off: Based on how he feels towards the people who hurt him in the past ("Listen, mark my words, one day, you will pay" "You've always been a huge piece of shit, if I could kill you, I would" "Karma is gonna come collect your debt")

Death no more-IC3PEAK: Vibes

Gasoline-I Prevail: Sort of similar to Riot, ("So burn it all down, burn it all down, I don't give a fuck")

Toxic-Britney Spears: The whole fandom knows how much of a piece of shit this dude can be, but we still find ourselves liking/enjoying his character (to an extent), a toxic addiction

Nice Guy-GRLwood: As much as I love this man, he'd use the "I'm a nice guy c'mon" card just to fuck. If he wants to, he'll get it, if he doesn't, he'll most likely get mad

Dernière danse-Indila: Vibes

TRRST-IC3PEAK: Mostly vibes, I kinda see this song as how he felt the first time he killed someone on purpose inside the borderlands ("mama they say I'm a terrorist, I did nothing wrong but I got on the blacklist")

Saint Bernard-Lincoln: Vibes

Nowhere To Run-Stegosaurus Rex: Being with him at the Beach would either be ignoring each other completely or a game of tag, no inbetween. If this man wants to kill you, he'll get his fun time out of it as well ("You're gonna die, I'm gonna kill you")

The House of Wolves-Bring Me The Horizon: Based on how he sees life after being consumed by his current mental state ("Show me a sign, show me a reason to give a solitary fuck about your god damn beliefs" "What you call faith, I call a sorry excuse")

Smells Blood-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

SIU-Maretu: Similar to Daddy Issues, don't expect this man to be a therapist. If he sees anyone crying or panicking in or outside a game, he'd most likely tell them to suck it up, just like this song.

Judgement-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

MONSTER ENERGY GUN!-KevinKempt: Vibes + He for sure has an energy drink addiction, specially pre-borderlands

HURT-1 800 PAIN: Vibes

Fear Is The Mind Killer-Zheani: Vibes

I Bet on Losing Dogs: Based on how I know Niragi is toxic, and most likely unsaveable of his deteriorating mental state, but I still have him as my biggest comfort character ("I bet on losing dogs, I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place")

Emo Boy-Ayesha Erotica: He's been in an emo phase (and maybe still is), the lyrics are pretty self explanatory, they describe us Niragi simps perfecrly ("come on fuck me emo boy")

Crybaby-Destroy Boys: Vibes

The Fox's Wedding-MASA Works DESIGEN: Vibes

You're a useless child-Kikuo: We don't know much about his past, but judging by the unstoppable bullying he's suffered, his parents didn't care about him, or were straight up absent. He's been insulted by pretty much everyone in his past to the point of believing it and telling those things to himself ("You're a useless child, the most useless child in this world" "Drool in snot, dandruff, shit and piss" "I'm a useless child" "Nobody will save me" "I'm a lonely kid")

Take A Slice-Glass Animals: Vibes

Fighting With The Melody-Jimmy Urine: Vibes

Comics-Caravan Palace: Vibes

Rhinestone Eyes-Gorillaz: Vibes

Butch 4 Butch-Rio Romero: Mostly vibes, sort of how I think the most "peacefull" moments in a relationship with him would feel like, kind of bittersweet feeling

Suki Suki Daisuki-Jun Togawa: Yandere Niragi. If he's interested in someone, he'd go through an obsessive phase, most likely forcing the other person to "love" him. This man is so confused about the feeling of love that he's unable to tell when he loves someone or when he's obsessed with them due to his lack of attention ("Like you, like you, I love you. Say you love me or I'll kill you")

:(-The Garden: Vibes

Kitty City-Cyriak Harris: Vibes

Blood-My Chemical Romance: If Niragi went to a therapist, he'd act like this song, with his signature cocky and sarcastic personality (at least before he gets better) ("I can't control myself because I don't know how" "They can fix me proper with a bit of luck" "I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love")

A Mask of My Own Face-Lemon Demon: He feels like he needs to protect himself or else he will get hurt inside the borderlands by others again. He uses another personality, a completely ruthless one, even if he doesn't like it and hates himself for it, he doesn't see another way to deal with his fear, allowing his "new self" to consume himself. ("I'd wear that mask of my own face" "I look into my eyeholes and what do I see? A handsome motherfucker motherfucking looking back at me")

I'm a Murderer-Freddie Dredd: Mostly vibes ("I'm a motherfucking murderer")

'Cause I'm a Liar-Mcki Robyns-P: He would lie just for fun even in serious situations. If he needs to manipulate someone to survive, he'll do it his way, after all, he doesn't care anymore, he just seeks for excitement. ("Without emotion, without devotion. It's much easier to fake something happy")

I Disagree-Poppy: I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I feel like this is how he sees and feels the world and those around him, feeling misunderstood and going his own way ("If only all of you could see the world I see, then maybe everyone could live in harmony")

Personal Jesus-Mindless Self Indulgence: He has a superiority complex, that's for sure. I don't think he sees himself as a god, but I see him joking about it

Rainbow Factory-GLAZE, WoodenToaster: Vibes

Frontier Psychiatrist-The Avalanches: I kinda see this as Aguni taking the role of Niragi's "father figure" inside the borderlands, realizing he's turning insane and is unable to control him ("That boy needs therapy")

Hate it. Hate it. "JIGAHIDAI!"-WADATAKEAKI Kurage P: Jealousy. I can see it either in a pre-borderland situation where he hates the popular students in school, or inside the borderlands hating both Chishiya and Arisu. Jealousy takes over him constructing a big ego, causing himself to develop his superiority complex ("You see, I hate that popular girl!" "Does she think I don't notice? How she looks at me as if I'm trash" "I want to be praised" "I'm different from you all, I have my own ego! I'm not a side character" "I have zero common sense. I'm special")

Villain-Stella Jang: He knows damn well he's a villain, that's his goal after all, but what if someone took his point of view? wouldn't the villains be all of those who hurted him in the first place? ("We all pretend to be the heroes on the good side, but what if we are the villains on the other")

Violent-carolesdaughter: This is how I view an argument inside a relationship with Niragi. He's used to violence, to cause fear, and getting what he wants, so being in a healthy relationship would require a lot of patience and strenght. While he's getting better and suppressing those violent actions, there will be times where he accidentally uses violence or threatens the other person unintentionally, mostly hurting himself and his partner psychologically. The lyrics change between both points of view ("Don't make me get violent, I want my ring back baby that's a diamond" "She knows I'm a wreck" "I gave you all my trust and I told you just don't break it")

Hey Bunny-Baby Bugs: Based on how I think it would feel to partner up with him inside the borderlands and catching feelings for him while knowing the huge mess he is ("Hey bunny, what's with those evil eyes?" "Hey bunny, what the hell is wrong with us?" "Hey bunny, what if I loose you too? If I become the monster, together we can always be blue")

Kokoronashi-majiko: I'm pretty sure Niragi isn't able to see himself as someone able to love, even if he doesn't want to be alone (just like when he confesses this feeling while fighting with Chishiya and Arisu). If someone truly loved him and was willing to not letting him go, it would hurt. He can't see himself as someone who can love or be loved, so he can't accept the love he's seeking for in case that turns him "weaker" making his true self confront with the protective mean personality he's created. He could learn how to accept it, so he might want the other person to stay in the end, but it wouldn't be easy for him to accept it ("It's awful, I'd rather you destroy my body, tear it to sheds, do as you please" "No matter how much I'm loved by you, my heart is just one" "I don't know this, don't leave me alone")

Nightmare Parade-FAKE TYPE.: Vibes

Slipping Through My Fingers-Meryl Streep, Amanda Seyfried: Niragi seeing himself loosing his young, gentle and caring personality due to his fear, being unable to control what's happening inside, nostalgia and sadness kicking in ("The feeling that I'm loosing her forever" "That funny little girl" "Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time")

Kuroneko No Tango-Pink Martini, The Von Trapps: Vibes

YKWIM?-Yot Club: Him confroting his feelings of loneliness when he's left alone with his thoughts ("It feels like I care too much when I'm alone, oh no")

Romantic Lover-Eyedress: Just appreciating his physical appearance ("She's a killer, I love her features")

Wrecking Ball-Mother Mother: Based on how he sees himself as someone who needs to destroy everything in a way or another in order to be powerful + the fun he has with it ("Call me a reckless wrecking ball" "Let's break it just because we can")

Edge-Rezz: Vibes

Freaks-Surf Curse: Again, confronting feelings when loving someone, but not in such a painful as Kokoronashi ("I need a place to stay where I can cover up my face" "Don't cry, I'm just a freak")

Little Bit-Lykke Li: Vibes

6up 5oh Cop-Out (Pro/Con)-Will Wood and the Tapeworms: Vibes

PHONKY TOWN-PlayaPhonk: Vibes

I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE-Måneskin: Freaky time. He would absolutely love this song, definitely his type of thing ("You could be the beauty and I could be the monster" "I wanna touch your body so fucking electric" "I wanna make you hungry, then I wanna feed you")

#BrooklynBloodPop!-SyKo: Vibes

A Cold Freezin' Night-The Books: Vibes

A Pearl-Mitski: My most favorite song to associate with Niragi. Represents his evolution as a character. Creating an scenario where he is loved by someone,he rejects it at first, acting tough ("I don't want your touch") and then proceeds to explain why ("It's just that I fell in love with a war, nobody told me it ended" "it left a pearl in my hand and I roll it around every night just to watch it glow") the war being the borderlands and his new personality, he loved it, but nobody drew a line and it's getting out of hand. The pearl is the feeling of power, the one he has to remember when feeling weak just to feel something. At the end of the song it changes to ("Sorry I can't take your touch"), realizing that he wants love, but he's not able to take it or else he'll become the Niragi from the past

Problematic-Bo Burnham: Him acknowledging his problematic actions but not wanting to apologize because he doesn't feel the need to. He knows he's done bad things but he is going to laugh at it and be a sarcastic mf about it

First Love/Late Spring-Mitski: Similar to Kokoronashi, he wouldn't be able to accept love and how it makes him feel. He would think that he prefers for everyone to hate him and be lonely instead of sacrificing his tougher side. Also talks about how he's grown way too quickly for him to understand feelings properly ("So please hurry leave me, I can't breathe, please don't say you love me" "One word from you and I would jump out of this ledge I'm on baby" "I was so young when I behaved 25, yet now I find I've grown into a tough child"

The Other Side Of Paradise-Glass Animals: Vibes

Bodybag-Chloe Moriondo: How I feel about liking his character, confronting feelings basically ("Don't know if I hate you or if I wanna date you" "I don't wanna like you, I just wanna tie you up, then keep you in a cage and watch you sleep for ages"

Get Into It (Yuh)-Doja Cat: Vibes

Psycho Killer-2005 Remaster- Talking Heads: Vibes

HOT DEMON B!TCHES NEAR U!!!-CORPSE, Night Lovell: Vibes

INFERNO-Sub Urban, Bella Poarch: Again, another song that describes him pretty well ("Baby I'm the reason why hell's so hot" "Terribly like terrible, she's a villain" "Think I'm getting butterflies but it's really something telling me to run away")

Bad Morning-Omori: Vibes

Trouble Brewing: Vibes

Dueles Tan Bien-Bruses: Another song about my confronting feelings with this man ("You know what? You taste better than alcohol to me. You know that and you've got control" "Because you hurt, and you hurt so good that I don't know what to do")

And that's it!! This took me the whole day to write but it makes me very happy to be able to share it :)

I've you've read the entire thing, hope you enjoyed the character analysis! ლ(◞‿◟ლ)

[acioo]

( PART ONE HERE ) & ( PART TWO HERE ) here are EVEN MORE NINE CHARACTER BASES ( label & background & personality ), all of whom i have played out in the past. they expand beyond ‘ the queen bee ‘ and ‘ the awkward nerd ‘ because i think as a community we’re all tired of the cliche bull, so have some of my most fun & most subversive times. these are for inspiration purposes as well as admin purposes. if you are going to use these in an rph setting, i request credit, but otherwise, it’s not necessary. ( all details viable to change ; pinterest board links available for all of them - if you are interested in my characters, see my muse page )  TW : violence, alcohol, drugs, child neglect, murder, death, abuse, kidnapping, adultery

001.      THE GOLDEN CHILD TURNED DARK — you grow up golden. you’re the oldest child of the best psychic in town and no one likes to remember it. your childhood is a string of choir practices and photoshoots and sleepovers only ever at other people's homes. ( you sometimes wonder whether your home is even a home at all, for it is vast and cold and unsettling ground at the best of times, and a war ground at the worst of times. ) your mother’s a showman and you are more party favor than you are human, most of the time. for you, they will forget her black cats and tarot decks and smoke screens. you are too good to ever be apart of such foolishness, right, sweetheart? you’d never put your hands in something like that, we know. you’ll smile and nod; you try not to think about the way that you share your mother’s same big eyes. the fact that as she gets older, the more sense she makes. how sometimes, inexplicably, more often than not, she is right in one way or another. that your mother is playing god and winning, and sometimes you let her take your hands and take your energy, and you are winning too. they’d never suspect the dirt on your hands like they suspect your little sister, who never had the patience for your mother's whims and wishes and stays bitter about the way people treat her. sometimes you can’t stand her for still being kind to you when you know it’s not fair that she’s on the outcasts of society when people treat you like a god. when you hear the blonde cheerleader with full lips call your little sister an ‘arrogant fucking occultist,’ you’ll beat the shit out of her until it takes two of the football players to tear you off. you’ll have a heart to heart with her about it later, where she stares at you in fear and you in guilt. she doesn’t press charges but you become the first class president to ever get expelled. you never tell your sister, even though she begs to know. hell, sometimes you don’t even know. it’s your mother’s work on you and you know it. some cosmic karma for playing with things she shouldn’t. your sanity for the sake of a little bit of power. you’ll don your mother’s long dark gloves. her heavy veils. you’ll become a fixture at the haunted home at the end of the block.

002.    THE FLIGHTLESS BIRD — your mother tongue is not your mother’s mother tongue and you never manage to remember this fact. your cousins are a world away, but you’re glad they are. they love to mock you and your shiny, pristine life away from everything that was once your mother’s pride and culture and family all wrapped in one. you’re not enough of an immigrant but this isn’t your homeland, either. you can’t help it, though. you fit in like a new dress. your whole life, all everyone has ever wanted to do was try you on for size. for what it’s worth, you’ve grown used to being tossed aside, even if it doesn’t make it hurt any less. your grandmother, who crossed continents because she missed your smile, likes to say that your curse is your love of humanity, but you think it’s that humanity doesn't love you back. no matter how hard you try you can’t hold on to that helium balloon called happiness and all your broken bridges trail behind you singing a siren song trying to take you home, but you don’t think you have a home. where would it be? your birthplace, where everyone looks like you but no one really gets you, or where you grew up, where you know everyone but sometimes wish you didn’t. your mother tells you to grow up. that you remind her so much of her sister, who weaves tales all marked with complicated, who your grandmother will reference with one finger to her temple in a swirled motion. your mother doesn’t do complicated, and you’ve never been anything but, which you think is probably why she spent so much time at work, and not with you. you’re okay. you adapt. it’s all you know how to do.

003.     THE HEIR — before you are even born, you have a reputation. your last name is the brand you’re not sure you ever wanted. when your mother was twenty-five she inherited the title of head of the crime family she was born in. the crime family that runs the east coast. when you are twenty-five, you’ll drink until your heart beats thunderously in your chest. when you are twenty-five, your best friend will comment about how unfair it is that your life has never been yours, that tomorrow you will be gone forever, that you will have to dedicate your entire life to running something you weren’t even born to run, and you will beat her to death and live to regret it. when you are born, you are not mommy’s little heir. you’re second in line. your big brother’s love shines down on you. he’s different than you, or your little brothers who have a sickening taste for this kind of life. he’s kind. before you can grow to understand that he is the best of your family, your mother cuts him out with a single dinner party and you won’t see him again until you’re sixteen and he shows up outside your school with an expensive leather jacket on and tries to beg you to come with him and get away from this life you’ve been saddled with. you will look him in his eyes and ask him, trembling, fingers playing with the hem of your skirt, eyes blurry with tears, “have we met?” your mother raises you to be strong. unflinching in the eyes of adversity. knives nestled into your boots, blood dripping from your mouth, a smile on your lips, the first gift you ever get is the lives of the men who kidnap you when you are thirteen. you’re so angry in a way your brother never understood how to be. you’re so angry you don’t know what you’re angry about anymore. your lot in life? your family? your personality? the fact that you understand violence, deeply and intimately? that you invite violence into your bed? that it does not make you flinch and you cannot, will not remember a time that it did? you will never be normal. this is your normal. it’s an inheritance and it’s yours. an inheritance worth a life.

004.     THE GONE BOY — your mother tells you that you were born in the winter. she tells you that she thinks a piece of winter got into your soul. that she’s afraid you’ll never move past it. you’ll shrug your shoulders and smile at her. you try not to think about it too much and you do a pretty good job of it. she sees too much of herself in you to be happy. all her worst parts, the kind she didn’t bring into your parent's marriage. you’re the youngest child. the favorite, or at least you were until you got old enough to have a rightful personality. your older siblings envy the fact that your moms are still together while their parents don’t live in the same states. you’re supposed to be the best one yet because they’ve had a lot of practice by the time you rolled around, but all you’ve ever done is make problems for yourself. you take joy in finding ways to piss people off. when you’re thirteen, you’ll bleach your hair white and your mama’s face when she sees it is something you treasure so deeply. when you’re fifteen, you’ll come home from school high as a kite and telling your mother your eyes are red from crying is better than the truth. mama will understand crying, but you’re supposed to be the golden child with the pretty blue eyes. their perfect little experiment and you just want to scream because you know, you fucking know, but the fact of the matter is that you’ve never really cared. you’re more you than you will ever be them and half of them is glad but the other half is indignant and the bad side is louder. you can understand that. all your bad side is, is loud. they ask who you are, and you’ll always tell the truth. they just wished that you hadn’t.

005.     THE TSUNAMI — you hit the news at sixteen years old. the littlest heir of the biggest chain of luxury hotels across the west coast. your mother didn’t want this life for you, but you’ve never given it much thought. all you’ve ever cared about it is waves that crash just right and that marvelous feeling you get when it’s so early in the morning that no one else is awake but the birds are chirping and the sun is peaking out. you’re simple in that way. people like complicated, but for the first sixteen years of your life, you are anything but. you like surfing and you like kissing whoever you want and saying fuck wherever you want. your first best friend starts a smear campaign against you after you break her heart by outgrowing her. she’ll say whatever she likes, and most of it you can acknowledge has some truth to it. you’re popping pills ( adderall's a hell of a drug, baby, you’ll croon out to her, mouth spinning around the straw of your slurpee ) and you’re always crawling back to your mommy. people are enthralled by you. they want something from you that you never cared to give. you’re peculiar in a way they want to write about or scream about, but you don’t have time for any of it. you never meant to hurt anyone, really, ever at all. you’re more baby bird on the verge of flight than you are spoiled brat with hundreds in your wallet.

006.     THE GREEK TRAGEDY — you’re the og child prodigy. one of the most famous ever and if you had a normal childhood, you would come to understand the consequences of this. you wonder about it. would you have cracked under all that pressure or would you have been a diamond? some ivy league college before you hit puberty, saving the world, and making sure everyone knows it, all the while? you never find out. when you’re still a child, you’ll wander off. that itself is not a problem. you always wander. you live in the middle of nowhere because your parents are fancy, famous scientists with more money than you will ever need and your house is surrounded by nature. you prefer that to the marble columns. the problem is that you wander and you are found, but it’s not who you should be. by the time everyone realizes you’re missing, properly, milk-cartoon, headlines on the morning news missing, you’re out of the state. you’ll be everywhere. your face, your story. you won’t realize this until you’re seventeen, but they looked for you. everyone looked for you. no matter how many years had passed, everyone still waited for you with bated breath. you won’t get to be a child prodigy, but you will get to be something else. a killer. the man who finds you has hands coated in blood and he wants to make sure you do too. before you know anything, you know violence. your intelligence is no longer the most important thing about you. in fact, it’s not even mentioned. he wants to know how powerful you can swing, how silently you can sneak up beside someone, and with how much force you can dig in a knife. you forget your old life. your parent’s kind smiles. your sister's gentle hands. the way everyone knew your name. now, you have no name and you have no story, just someone to follow. there are others like you, who got taken away by him, but he doesn’t like you guys hanging around much. you’re not the favorite, and he never fails to tell you this. you’re too you. he will hit you and you will spit blood with a smile on your face. a part of you will always be free, and you tell him this. all he does is hit you again. when you’re seventeen, he’ll leave you in the city and tell you not to come home without blood on your hands. you go to a diner, sit at the counter and pray they don’t make your dirty self leave as you sip orange juice. the news plays. celebrity marriage. robbery. and, suddenly, an anniversary, eight years to the day since a child with your cheekbones disappeared off the face of the earth. it all floods back and you’re left reeling. in a short period of a few months, you will escape from his hand. you will also very, very nearly die by his hand. you will go home. they never stopped waiting.

007.     THE FALLEN PRINCESS — you don’t look goddamn anything like your siblings. it’s the first thing people say when meeting you and your mother's smile will always tighten around the edges. you’re tall and blonde and shining and they’re all pale skin and brown hair with the same roman noses and aura of power. you get the family's mossy green eyes but nothing else. your mother always dismisses it as a fluke and your father never mentions it, though you never fail to notice how his eyes always skim over you. you just attribute it to the wrongness in you. the one they never stop talking about. physical proof that you’re the black sheep of the royal family. it’s your eighteenth birthday when your mother sits you in her waiting room and tells you that almost two decades ago, she had a brief and passionate fling with one of their country’s soldiers before he went into the war and was never seen again. it all makes sense but you wish you could just go back to before she ever told you. everything pieces together. you’re a mar on the family's reputation and their dirty little secret in plain sight. your father is not your father and he’s only ever acted like it. you’re a living product of your mother’s whims, which he never fails to mention are his least favorite of your mother’s qualities. it only makes you worse. the royal terror, they call you. you’re the youngest of the family, the little asshole with a less than little drinking problem, and eventually, it becomes an open secret of your lineage. word gets around fast in a kingdom like yours, but it isn’t even yours anymore, really. one of your hands reaches out for a crown that will never really be yours but still sits heavy on your head.

008.     THE STORYTELLER — you’re five years old and your mother tells your uncle that one day, you two will have screaming matches loud enough to wake the neighborhood. you’re ten and your big sister tells you that sometimes she doesn’t even know who you are, that you’re a cycling door at best and a rolled dice at worst. you’re thirteen and the doctor tells you he knows you’re an intelligent kid, but he wishes you would act like it. you’re a rolling stone of your own. you like screaming and fighting and no one likes that side of you. the dirty, loud one, the one you really weren’t raised to have, but sometimes when your mother isn’t around to call bullshit you’ll say is a product of moving so much as a kid, or of your dad never being around, or of never fitting in the right way. but it’s quite possible that you were just born this way. with some kind of fire in your soul that has never been quiet enough for you to hear yourself think, or at the very least, hear before you run your mouth. your mouth which more often than not will leave you stranded in fights and in relationships you don’t know how to get out of. you like causing a ruckus. flirting with people you shouldn’t, drinking honestly excessive amounts of alcohol, saying fuck around your abuelos just to see the looks of horror on their faces. you’ve been told both that you have a big heart and that you’re a big bitch, and it makes sense because you’ve always been bigger than life in one way or another. too much for people to swallow with ease, so they usually just don’t try. you’re fine with that. you have enough try in your for both of you guys.

009.     THE RICH KID ADDICT — the first thing you remember is your mother. you must be four or five, sitting next to her on the fancy dining chairs, dressed in perfect little church clothes and your feet not reaching the floor. you asked her what daddy was talking about. all you hear is angry and death and destruction and revenge. your mother tells you in her soft voice, her matching eyes quivering with something that is not fear but rather pity, that your daddy has a curse. you learn much about this curse over the rest of your life. it makes your father not a father. an angry bitter man who shouts at you to get the hell out of his lab, to get out of his sight for a few nights, to stop asking so many questions. there are periods of reprieve that you never understand. your father’s happy again, hanging out with his best friend who you thought he loathed, wearing hawaiian print and having the same kind of smile you used to have before things got so hard all the time. but then it’s all over again. you’re sixteen, doing astrophysics homework in the living room while sipping on sangria in a stemless wine glass when things will come to a head. your father’s bad again, but he’s pleading with you, saying baby, baby, just come to the lab, just come see what i’ve done this time. this is new, so on even feet you’ll follow him in, until he wraps a handcuff around your wrist and puts the other one around his lab chair. you scream and you bang things, but no one’s there to hear you. your mother’s at a conference call in miami. your father tells you it’s fine, it’ll all be okay, and you beg him, please, daddy, please just let me go. he takes out a syringe and it’s green and big and you scream and thrash, and then you wake up in your bed. you feel the same and look the same, but you rip the doorknob off its hinges. when you cut your finger in engineering it heals up in seconds. you feel more awake, more real than you ever had, but worse than ever. he poisoned you and you’re not you anymore. you can’t cope with it, but his eyes shine with pride whenever he sees you around the house. you drink to forget it all and you become a cliche, but you’re never sober enough to be aware of it. a bit of beer on most nights and a lot on the weekends turns into pills and bottles and long nights, until your mother’s divorcing your father and it’s psychiatrist offices and failure notices and tabloids.

[zxtsubxu-moved-blog]

Mastermind! Naegi Playlist

I can’t put music on my blog for some reason so we’ll just do it this way lol

MAMA - MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

Mama, we're all full of lies. Mama, we're meant for the flies. And right now they're building a coffin your size, Mama, we're all full of lies. Well, Mother, what the war did to my legs and to my tongue, You should've raised a baby girl, I should've been a better son. If you could coddle the infection They can amputate at once. You should've been, I could have been a better son. And when we go don't blame us, yeah. We'll let the fire just bathe us, yeah. You made us, oh, so famous. We'll never let you go. She said, "You ain't no son of mine For what you've done. They're gonna find A place for you And just you mind your manners when you go. And when you go, don't return to me, my love." That's right.

KILL THE LIGHTS - SET IT OFF

You reside in grand disguises Just to get, get away from it all Falsify the life you're hiding Just to get, get away from it all But the truth we pursue as we all beg you to Kill the lights, kill the actor, kill the actress I'm afraid that the spotlight dried you up, whoa, whoa oh Shut your mouth, you make me sick with All the lies, all the lies that you spill Slip and fall, I'll watch you drown in All the lies, all the lies that you spill As you're tongue-tied, did you believe it? False pride never existed Now I am cutting ties clean off And I can breathe at last

I CAN’T DECIDE - SCISSOR SISTERS

Oh I could throw you in the lake Or feed you poisoned birthday cake I won't deny I'm gonna miss you when you're gone Oh I could bury you alive But you might crawl out with a knife And kill me when I'm sleeping That's why I can't decide Whether you should live or die Oh, you'll probably go to heaven Please don't hang your head and cry No wonder why My heart feels dead inside It's cold and hard and petrified Lock the doors and close the blinds We're going for a ride

LET IT BURN - RED

I watch the city burn These passions slowly smoldering A lesson never learned Only violence Is your world just a broken promise? Is your love just a drop of rain? Will we all just burn like fire? Are you still there? Tell me now... ...can you stand the pain? How long will you hide your face? How long will you be afraid? Are you afraid? How long will you play this game? Will you fight or will you walk away? How long will you let it burn? Let it burn Let it burn

COPS AND ROBBERS - THE HOOSIERS

We're at a revolution And we're baying for your blood We're laying down the law And your name's mud You'd like to be a member of the human race You want to be a good boy But you couldn't stand the taste Blame Simon Because he said You've got two lives down And one life left Blame Simon Because he said You could think better with a hole in your head You could think better with a hole in your head 

DEUS EX MACHINA - BURIRU-P

Deus ex machina, oh please spare me Flowing, flowing the blood just won't stop coming out Deus ex machina oh please save me It hurts, it hurts... it's mostly your own damn fault This false utopia mercilessly continues to spin round & round Drop the notion of good or bad, wipe it from your mind Uninstall Then you just become a mindless idiot Oh whatever, your mask starts to peel off revealing your true persona Those who seek are refused, those who run are chased Acknowledge what you desires, what would you do for someone else's sake? Thanatos, the god of death, Is slowly climbing up that rusted ladder Vomiting out rotten metaphors as he climbs The object of everyone's prayers, screw it!

WOLF IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING - SET IT OFF

Aware, aware, you stalk your prey With criminal mentality You sink your teeth into the people you depend on Infecting everyone, you're quite the problem Fee-fi-fo-fum, you better run and hide I smell the blood of a petty little coward Jack, be lethal, Jack, be slick Jill will leave you lonely dying in a filthy ditch So could you Tell me how you're sleeping easy How you're only thinking of yourself Show me how you justify Telling all your lies like second nature Listen, mark my words: one day (one day) You will pay, you will pay Karma's gonna come collect your debt

THE DISTORTIONIST - GHOST

Tears laced with cyanide flow through the cracks of a Mirror shattered long ago And, sure, I’m the one who swung the metal bat But, hey, I can’t control the urge! Nobody’s gonna blame me for that Impossible, impossible Twist ‘n turn it right around The details never safe or sound The truth projected through a lense With nothing proving otherwise Now take the time to realize Despite what you believe The victim of a massacre Was none other than poor me Surely you can see the problem I don’t wanna lose my own reflection A deplorable perception of me Was none other than an image of you

PARTNERS IN CRIME - SET IT OFF

This, the tale of reckless love, living a life of crime on the run, I brush to a gun to paint these states green and red, Everybody freeze, nobody move, put the money in the bag or we will shoot, Empty out the vault and me and my doll will be on our way, Our paper faces flood the streets, And if the heat comes close enough to burn then we'll play with fire 'cause... You'll never take us alive We swore that death will do us part They'll call our crimes a work of art You'll never take us alive We'll live like spoiled royalty, lovers and partners Partners in crime Partners in crime Oh, just try and catch us! 

THE GAME OF LIFE - HATSUNE MIKU

In this life is a game played by a flaky god He gambles every life Try to escape but you know the path you’re on is game and set See how the game of life is playing all of us for fools Dancing a string around us, making all these silly rules See how he looks down on us like we’re acting out a show Throw the dice and let’s see which head will roll…

See how the game of life is never won, you only play Bore him and you will find you’re crumpled up and thrown away Clinging to fate and blaming it when life won’t go your way Such a laugh HA! Life is just a game

Sickly grinning downward, tosses out a pair of dice Cheating way around the board “Ah this is paradise” People praying on their knees but no there to hear Ah look down at all the puppets here Ah look up at all the puppeteers 

FEMALE ROBBERY - THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I think I found hell I think I found something. I think I found something in my TV screen. I think I found out that I have nothing, That I have nothing in this place for me. I watched it all in my head, perfect sense. Don't take me from my bed, Leave everything that is worth a single cent and just take me instead. That TV show, I saw as I fell asleep. Had me on both my knees, Praying to whatever is in heaven please send me a felon, And don't let the police know. Anything, anything, Don't tell them anything, Anything, please.

[diditwithmysoul-corrected]

the grand scheme of us

Dear Moon of my life,

You know how I know it was real between us? You were selfish with me. take it how you will, I never meant to enforce myself with violence. If it were another guy whom you cheated on with 3 other guys, he would’ve put you in hospital. But you’re too vague to realize your own mistakes. You’re too vague to realize that your incompetence lead you to a perspective influenced by the irrational people. Those same irrational humans that cursed my existence, would they still defend you if they knew my side of the story? the sacrifice of giving up another entire life 1000 km away from you is something even your best friend will hate you for once she knows. But I withhold.. why? Because “love is wanting more for someone more than they want for themselves” and it sort of turns out that despite you using me, im still interdependent on making you happy. The universe has this front where it enforces balance in the world. But see, for human beings, this balancing process is the harshest as compared to plants and other animals. Because it arrives in a wave of karma… Karma; something people either misunderstand, disregard, misuse or underestimate. God bless you universe. Because I know what karma is like. See what I’m doing? Im protecting you by philosophizing that its best you take time to yourself and sit down without worldly influences to debug your mind and realize how you messed my life up. that its better we both bifurcate ourselves through the guilt rather than having one person still uphold their pride. sure there’s always more than one solution to a dilemma, same as how theres always different perspectives to it, yet youre taking an alternate route, although like the good old days where you trusted in my advice to get you through the day, take this one too. I don’t even know what your sorry feels like any longer, and yet you’ve sat through the most sort of sorry statements and emotions.

Dear Mama,

A part of me wishes we sat down before everyone else got involved and we spoke things through. But you had already seized the opportunity to take my fault because it was good and you covered up your faults. Its only human like to do so even if you are in fact in love with that person. And that’s what you did. There are only a few of us human who’d protect the people that hurt us beyond recovery. And well, right now, we’re on two different spectrums of being human. And you’re taking the frequency that you were hurt by before. You know what I mean; how she became unreasonable toward you. And impatient with your existence because she’d met a life who she thought was better? How she’d make you feel like your home isn’t your home and her stubbornness lead you to cry every night seeking me. how you felt orphaned and disregarded? I should stop, I should stop. You get it now, and anyone else reading this gets it. you were treated like crap by someone you love and now you’ve taken that personality and I am the guy who gets treated like crap because I am in love with you. Although to set the record straight, motherly love and romantic love are not the same. And that’s where the paradigm shifts.

Dear ‘my version of Hazel Grace’,

I’ll still protect you though. Through the storm, the curves and hailstorms. I’ll still tell people that you’re the one and that book I promised to write about us, its still in process. In context, Us is just another codename for you. And I’ll still describe you as the sort of art that makes me feel beyond my puny human brain. And even after everything I still tell those who hate you that I will marry you. And even though you bashed my conscious and red flagged my existence I will still pray for you, when I’m done being angry at God. I’m not weak though, I was sensible enough to pull myself back when I had to and realize that you damaged my life and left me with no tools to patch myself up. the irrational sort of rage, bitterness and man pride volunteered when my subconscious mourned for your. But it’s the existence of fine-lines that I am about to be explore which I respect Bukowski for. “Look, let me put it this way, with me, you’re the number one and there isn’t even a number two.” That’s my silver lining for you. The part where I don’t want to lose you despite the shit you’ve put me through because there’s this inner instilled belief that from the moment you fall in love with someone, we become the best and worst people to and for one another. And right here, here lies the worst between us. But gosh you’re still beautiful, you’re still the Moon to my life and your flaws don’t make it any easier for me or your heart, but they do show me that you’re human. And human beings are human. But your heart still weakens at the idea of me and you might despise that now but embrace it and come back home now. You’re an ugly, messy human being and I am a complete fuck up but we bring out everything in one another and that is the sort of dynamic you don’t just throw away.

I am okay with people thinking I am the bad guy. I am okay with people thinking you did nothing wrong even though we both know what happened between us. However I am not okay with you pretending that I am the bad guy, and you the innocent person. And in the greater depth of us, I am not okay with people thinking that we don’t deserve one another because in truth, we’re an explosive pair. Our spirits are thick, and we love hard, we’re stubborn, careless, young, and meant for one another. And we balance one another and there’s so much more to this art of ours than that Sunday..

 p.s I still will not converse about what happened between us, let them think I am inhumane. You matter more than what they think of me. For me, being understood is sort of an underrated pleasure. And you, don’t let them eat you alive.

“I’ll fight it. I’ll fight for you. Don’t you worry about me, Hazel Grace [my heart]. I’m okay. I’ll find a way to hang around and annoy you for a long time.”