#SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP ETCETC

[imthecoolestguyhere]

SHITTING MYSELF!!!

[possumtailpark]

autism is wack because why am i having a panic attack over the noises at work. in fight or flight mode experiencing stress responses left and right over a vacuum cleaner. like a dog

[survivorsfm]

oh,  how  nice  is  to  see  you  both  here,  SEBASTIAN  BECKER  &  DEV  BHATT !  with  how  things  are  these  days,  you’re  a  sight  for  sore  eyes.  do  not  forget  to  read  the  new  bulletin  at  the  information  panel,  and  above  all,  stay  safe.

WELCOME  TO  BOULDER !  cait,  please  follow  the  steps  indicated  in  our  checklist  and  submit  your  account  within  the  next  24  hours.   if  you  need  more  time,  don’t  hesitate  to  let  us  know !   joe  keery  &  rahul  kohli  +  the  originals'  freshman  are  now  taken .

(   joe  keery.  cis  man.  he/his.  )   ⸺   🐏  greetings,  bighorns !  walking  around  campus,  sporting  his  signature  worn  out  letterman  jacket  we’ve  spotted  SEBASTIAN  BECKER,  a  twenty - eight  years  old  who  contributes  to  our  thriving  community  as  a  MANAGER  OF  THE  BLOATER.  according  to  our  intel,  he’s  been  around  the  sanctuary  for  ten  years  and  what  we  know  about  him,  aside  from  the  fact  he  does  agree  with  the  decision  of  closing  the  gates,  is  that  he  chickened  out  half  way  through  guard  training,  goes  for  runs  in  the  morning  like  clockwork,  endlessly  sketching  on  paper  scraps.  doesn’t  that  make  them  fantastic ?  we  think  it  does,  and  that’s  why  we  appreciate  him  so  much,  grateful  for  what  he  gives  to  our  community.  

⸺   written  by  cait   (  she/her . 30 . cst . none .  )   *  the  freshman  from  the  original  grouping ! 

(   rahul  kohli.  cis  man.  he/him.   )   ⸺   🐏  greetings,  bighorns !   walking  around  campus,  sporting  his  signature  silver  pocket  watch  we’ve  spotted  DEV  BHATT,  a  thirty - six  years  old  who  contributes  to  our  thriving  community  as  a  GUARD.  according  to  our  intel,  they’ve  been  around  the  sanctuary  for  three  years  and  what  we  know  about  him,  aside  from  the  fact  he  doesn’t  agree  with  the  decision  of  closing  the  gates,  is  that  he's  a  massive  nerd  and  has  read  all  scifi  in  the  library,  he  worked  security  at  a  mall  before  the  outbreak,  he  tries  to  make  a  friend  out  of  everyone.  doesn’t  that  make  them  fantastic ?   we  think  it  does,  and  that’s  why  we  appreciate  him  so  much,  grateful  for  what  he  gives  to  our  community.  

⸺   written  by  cait   (  she/her . 30 . cst . none .  )

[baifengxis]

AHSDKFSDFKDGDF ONGSASUN KISSING MILKLOVE'S FIRST ONSCREEN KISS I'M SO USED TO GIVING AND NOW I GET TO RECEIVEKFJKSKDKFSDF NKHKJA HHFHDHHDSHAHHHH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP ETCETC

[milfronin]

i set it as my icon but i wanted to post the commission i got from the lovely @donnyclaws :D!!! insert that tweet like my girl look so good im about to scream and cry and throw up etcetc. soso happy with this

[coredrill]

screaming crying throwing up etcetc

[nyarados]

keep seeing photo comps of 2000s elementary school life and they literally make me feel sick like screaming crying throwing up etcetc

[rose-tinted-kalopsia]

SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP ETCETC GOING ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT INSANEEEEEEEEEE IRENEEEEEEEEE IM GONNA SOB WHFHJEBGHE I CAN SEE THIS SO CLEARLY OH MY GODDDDDDD the pillow..the weighted blanket...THE PDA... THE?!?!?!!!! NECKLACE— AND THE SWEATPANTS— IMFJEJBGHEJFJE YELLING SO HARD RN

Caleb, who is quick to make interesting plans with you, and agree to any you might have, whatever it is.

Caleb, who is big on PDA and will always be taking your hand, kissing you, sliding his hand into the back pocket of your jeans, putting his arm around you, hugging you, calling you pet names, no matter where.

Caleb, who loves surprising you. Be it flowers, or appearing as you get out of work, or a new dish he prepared, every day there's something to look forward to.

Caleb, who thinks you're just so cute. He gets cuteness aggression very often.

Caleb, the one you can rely on to make you laugh when you have a bad day, your problems suddenly forgotten and unimportant.

Caleb, who insists that you use him as a pillow, and will gladly be your weighted blanket.

Caleb, who might be the definition of malewife, cooking, cleaning the house, getting everything done by the time you get home from work. He knows you're tired from fighting Wanderers, let him handle it.

NSFW/MDNI:

Caleb, who loves slapping your ass. He loves it. Anytime, anywhere.

Caleb, whose necklace dangles against you noisily whenever he fucks you. If he takes it off, you start to miss it hitting your face.

Caleb, who likes play-fighting you, knowing it will end up being sex.

Caleb, who wears grey sweatpants on purpose so you'll look down at his crotch, the big outline clearly visible.

Caleb, who sometimes uses his Evol so you won't be able to touch him nor touch yourself, at his mercy. He relents fast though, because he likes touching you.

Caleb, who is practically addicted to quickies with you, even if he also likes more passionate lovemaking, he can't deny the thrill of doing it fast and hard.

[crimeronan]

i want mór to love declan. 

but it’s not because i want him to suddenly gain a loving parent, i’m not interested in that. declan suddenly adopted by some sunshine stranger would just be wary and irritable. there’s not a lot of potential there

but i want mór to love declan. because it would wreck him

mór being a vicious crime boss who didn’t feel like raising her kid and fucked off? that’s just another familiar sting in a bouquet of wasps. declan’s used to being unwanted, unworthy, expendable, forgettable. what’s one more adult who’s turned their back on him? the toddler was leftover luggage in a vicious custody dispute. it’s nothing. it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t touch him

what hurts declan - what really, really hurts him, poison in the marrow rather than an easily-compartmentalized thorn prick - is the feeling of loss. we see it briefly when he interacts with the new fenian. he’s touch-starved and desperate for someone to acknowledge his worth, yes, but more than that he’s looking at a father who could have loved him and seeing every neglected wound inside himself in unpleasantly graphic detail.

so i want mór to love him. i want her to have pulled one of those ‘i fled because it was safer since i have all my criminal ties etcetc’ deals. i want her to try to explain herself. i want her to reach out to him and try to touch his arm, his face, apologize, get him to look at her, and i want him to fucking recoil

i want him to look at his mother and laugh because of what a fucking waste it all is. i want him to laugh at the stupidity and the futility and the misplaced heroism until he’s on the verge of screaming. i want him to think about how he could have had an unsafe life where he was loved instead of an unsafe life where he was abhorred. i want him to throw it in her face. 

how did you think i’d grow up? happy fireplace story time and cow tipping with my adventuring father and dreamt-up replacement mother? what kind of idyllic fucking fantasy world did you think he’d build? oh, ronan and matthew were good enough to get it, don’t worry about them. just not me. fourteen years old handcuffed in the trunk of a car expecting to die, fifteen washing blood off my hands in a gas station bathroom, sixteen in tokyo shaking hands and exchanging thousands of dollars with traffickers. who the fuck do you think i am? what the fuck did you think would happen?

i want her to reach for him again, maybe, or say his name. declan— and it sounds like she’s saying something else, like please or i love you or i’m sorry.

he’s crying now, probably, choking on the last hiccuping sobs of laughter, shaking too hard and falling too fast to yell like he should. he puts distance between them. he takes a deep breath.

what can your life possibly do to me, he says, and it would be cold enough if his legs weren’t folding beneath him, that hasn’t already been done?

[bicyclepainting]

ok I just wanted to say thank you thank you thank youuu! for making awesome Aaron/Smartass content, they are my absolute favorites and you give them the care and attention they deserve! your slice of life fics are my favorites <3

this is such a nice thing to say AHEIWJNROQMS screaming crying throwing up etcetc

thank U for sending this ask, it made my day :,-) <33

[melto]

great! thanks rob love you too!

Ok do henri and i watch boukenger, ryuki, tiga or makai no hana tonight

[seongpinkhwa]

did you SEE deepika in the new trailer today??? screaming crying shaking throwing up etcetc

i’m a whore

[hungrycherie]

negative thinking, self awareness, gut feelings

i feel like every time i write, it’s like a dump of all the thoughts in my head.. and there’s always a lot because i am always thinking.

sometimes i can be really negative. i like to call it critical thinking.. today i watched a ted talk during work just to have some noise in the background. i’ve been listening to a lot of music and not really finding anything in my waves. i feel myself in a musical drought a lot, but i think it’s also because i spend about 8-10 hours in my headphones a day so it only makes sense i guess.

anyway, the ted talk talked about how shame is human’s emotion that we correlate when people ask us about our experiences. you ask about love, and we respond with stories of heartbreak. you ask about love, and we respond with hardships at work. etcetc, you get the deal. often times, we are critical of others because we are critical of ourselves. when they said that, it resonated /so/ hard inside me. specifically, it made me think about a period in my life back in 2016 where i kept calling myself a loser. i kept calling myself a loser because i was a job i hated, in a terrible teenage cliche romance, and could not stop getting drunk. i remember thinking that i was an alcoholic and verbally abusing myself every morning after a night out because of (pick your fav) 1) hangover, 2) stupid decisions, 3) both. 

you’d think once i got myself out of that rut, i’d learn how to be kinder to myself but it only got worse. i found myself pushing myself so hard in any direction i could get my foot into. i didn’t want to go back to where i came from, and knowing myself best, i knew how easy it was to slip back into the past. there are moments of growth in here though. i remember telling someone “don’t take advantage of my kindness” and those words over a year later still resonate in my mind. i’m still on this journey so i’m not sure where it ends..

i had lunch with my boss a few weeks ago, and he said i was really self aware. i found that really interesting and just like any person would do after someone makes a speculation about themselves, i thought about the things i did that would make him say that. self awareness is something i’ve forced myself to be because i feel like if everyone is seeing or thinks of you in some way, there is some truth to it... and if everyone knows it, shouldn’t you? if this information reaches the wrong person, they could use this in a manipulative way - positive or negative. i feel like being self aware can be a super power too. it’s like a conscious way of living and knowing where you can improve and how to play your strengths. i’ve really been embracing my self awareness without even realizing it this year. 

since realizing this habit i’ve been practicing, i’ve been kicking it into high gear. self awareness gives you a form of confidence, because there’s nothing that someone can throw at you that you don’t already know. you know what’s weird? intimidating people. i find it strange when people are intimidated by me. i guess it’s just the socially inept kid inside me. 

at the end of the day, i trust my gut so much. i remember in 2016, there was a distinct thought i had and it was that i was born to do so much more. i was in such a shitty place in my life. i just couldn’t break a toxic cycle that all the characters i was playing in my life was in. i couldn’t get a job i loved. i wasn’t able to travel as much as i wanted. i couldn’t stop crying over the same dumb love that was not holding me back, but blocking the good things from streaming in. man. i haven’t really talked about or done some reflection on that period of my life in a long time. i feel like i was just so.... stuck.

there was a screaming voice in my mind telling me that everything around me, everything i was doing - i was born to do more. this was not my cap. i think a lot of people misinterpret doing more by thinking of their professional selves. in my mind, i think of what makes you feel whole. i personally would never be able to function without work. i love working my mind, i love learning, i love pushing the boundaries of my mind. you can apply this to any of the versions of me that exist. i love hiking, i love pushing the limits of my exploration and what i can see. anyway... i just wanted to do more and i knew i could do more. breaking through those walls took so much time, patience, obedience, and there was much sadness and feelings of “what-the-fuck-am-i-doing” in between. journeys can take a lot of time and most of all patience. i was starting at ground zero so i had nothing left to lose and i already did i thought was right and what i wanted for so long and it got me nowhere fast. i can be pretty dumb but i knew that it was a time for a change of pace.

and now i’m here! if i take a step back and look at my life, this is the happiest, most accomplished, and whole person i’ve ever been. i’ve gotten lunches with people that still blow my mind and whose words still run on repeat in my mind to this day. i’ve eaten, seen, felt so many things i thought i wouldn’t be able to do in a while. i’ve been whittling on my adult to-do list. to-do lists are nice but (there’s that big but) i feel like i’m hitting a plateau. i like having a big dream to work towards. i haven’t had time to step back and think about my next big dream. i feel like big dreams are a nice thing to keep in mind when things are getting tough and comparing how far we’ve traveled to get there and even though it’s a long way to go, knowing how far i come gives the dream a coat of attainability. 

i don’t know where i want to go from here. i was thinking about buying a house, i was thinking about doing some sabbatical and bouncing out of my life for 3 weeks, but i was just grabbing ideas from the lives of others. i want to start incorporating some community service of some sort into my life. just not sure how. still working on this idea. maybe in a month or two i will have fleshed out the bones to this... wish me luck. 

on final note, the other day while i was walking to the gym, i came up with a really great analogy to answer a question that people love asking me. “why are you still single/why don’t you start dating again?” i fucking hate this question, man. i hate being placed in a position where i have to defend my singledom. like why are you in a relationship? i feel like those in relationships are way more unstable and unhappy than i am and are just projecting some sort of unhappiness in their life onto me. maybe that’s just another defense mechanism in me.

back to my analogy.. i define my 20s as your first $100. it’s your first $100 which means your next $100 (if you play your cards right) will completely depend on what you do with this. you’re not going to magically get another $100 and how you spend your first dollars will really say a lot about you. if you spend it on a bunch of candy, you’re probably gonna be pretty happy right now but not so happy later. it’s like the marshmallow test. you wait it out and you’ll get double the marshmallows later. i want to spend my time on the right things. i’m only ever going to get one shot at my 20s and i already wasted the first quarter of it doing some stagnant self realization and i’m not going to throw myself into that situation again. i already know that won’t get me another marshmallow. i want to spend it on new experiences which is kind of like gambling. i’m not sure if i’m going to get a return on all my time on these new experiences, but i’m hoping that one of these will end up paying off later in my 30s and 40s. like how i hold everything else in my life, love for me has come a long way and i will also only ever do it if i do it the way i want too and it fits the way i need it too.. i don’t want to be cramming a square in a hole, with the first reason being the amount of time. i only have $100, remember?

i felt like this was a question i’ve been trying to find the right answer to for a few months now and this has been the most perfect way of me responding to that annoying ass question without making others feel like they need to defend why they’re in a relationship, myself defending my singledom (which is such an incredibly misleading term because i never feel like i am alone), and any other negative feelings that may arise.

it’s 11:50pm and way past my bedtime. happy monday mind dump! 

[mementosrp-blog]

( HEO EUNJI )

ALIAS › 

FACTION › citizen

( PERSONA )

BACKGROUND :  Eunji had awakened her persona, Persephone, as she was being confided in the small room, handcuffed and unable to escape. As her best friend attempted to rape her, it frightened her causing her persona to be awakened. Aside from both Persephone and Eunji being kidnapped by someone, Eunji enjoys being around flowers and maintains the potted plants in her parent’s apartment. Her relationship with her mother had always been close and while she was kidnapped, she had wished that her mother was there to comfort her.

ABILITY/ABILITIES :

– Healing: Persephone is known as the goddess of spring, this makes Eunji have the ability to grow any herb instantly to heal the wounds of either herself or others that are in need. In order for the person to be healed, they would either have to eat it (for the interior damages) or the herb needs to be touched (for external damages)

– Plant transformation: With the touch of her fingers, Eunji is able to turn small objects (such as plates, cups, etcetc.)  into whatever plants she desires. She is also able to turn almost dying plants into healthy plants.

WEAKNESSES :

– Healing:Even though Eunji is able to grow plants instantly from the grounds, if fire or ice abilities are in play and damages the ground, the plants would grow but have no healing effects.

– Plant transformation: She cannot transform the items in a loud environment. She prefers to be somewhere quiet and safe in order to be able to transfer the items completely.

( STATS )

Knowledge : [ 10 / 25 ] Guts : [ 5 / 25 ] Proficiency : [ 10 / 25 ] Kindness : [ 15 / 25 ] Charm : [ 15 / 25 ]

— BACKGROUND

Eunji was born into a loving and caring family. Her parents always taught her to treat others how she would like to be treated. With that mindset, she treated everyone with love and kindness. Everyone adored her and they treated her how she wanted to be treated.

During her years in high school, she partcipated in many clubs and extra activties. She tutored her classmates and helped others when they needed her. She also became close friends with a boy that had a major crush on her. One day, her best friend confessed to her on how he felt and how much they deserved each other. However, Eunji rejected his feelings as she was not interested in him, and she hoped that they’ll stay as friends.

Her best friend couldn’t take no as an answer and he became distant and started to avoid her as much as possible. One day as she was leaving the school grounds after a meeting with her teachers, she felt someone covering her mouth, dragging her away from the direction she was heading and she blacked out.

Awakened in a dim lit room, she realizes that she was in a bedroom. Her wrist were handcuffered to the bed and her mouth was taped shut. She tried to unlock the handcuffs to the best of her abilities. She hears a familiar voice and she looks up from what she was doing and her heart drops instantly. The person that had kidnapped her was her best friend.

Her best friend walked up to her, muttering that she had to be with him no matter what and how no one in the world deserves her as much as he does. The closer he gets towards her, Eunji scrambles slightly, pressing her back against the wall. Her screams were muffled by the tape and her eyes starts to water as he touches the ends of her hair, whispering, “You’ll be mines soon… my love.” With that he backs up, and heads out of the room, leaving Eunji crying on the bed, wishing that this nightmare would end soon.

As each day passes, her best friend decided to remove the tape but only on one condition. If she doesn’t cause any commotion, making his neighbours think that she’s inside the room. Thinking that he will change if she listened to everything he says, she agreed. Another day passed, which later becomes a week, her best friend would either check up on her every hour to make sure that she wasn’t going to do anything irrational or he feeds her food. There was a day that he was gone for a longer time frame, Eunji spots a small mouse, wandering around for some food and she starts to talk with them as if the mouse was her friend. To her, it seem like the mouse knew what she was talking about and it felt like she finally had a friend that could keep her company in the small room.

Two weeks had passed, Eunji thought that her best friend would be letting her go soon when he steps into the room one final time. However, things went differently as she thought. Her best friend crawling up onto the bed, and once he was hovering over her, he started to touch the inner of her thighs, and whispered to her, “Since you can’t be mines, you might as well just bare our child and you’ll fall in love with me.” Before she could screamed for help, he silences her with a harsh, and forceful kiss. Eunji tried to squirm and kick him off, but the male was too heavy for her fragile body and her eyes starts to water. Just as the male was about to slip his hand further up of her thigh, her handcuff had been broken into pieces and he was on the floor. She stayed in her position for a minute or two longer before escaping from the bedroom to find some help.

Ever since that day, Eunji had been traumatized and she would be cooped up in her room, unwilling to leave. The fact that she was kidnapped by a male, she could no longer trust any male coming too close to her as she feels frightened and flashbacks of those days would trigger her. Whenever her father would enter her room to ask her if she would like to eat, she would scream loudly, throwing things that were nearby at him in order to defend herself. Eventually, her father decided that it was best if he doesn’t interact with her until she feels like approaching to him. Instead, her mother would be the one to approach her, giving her food, and helping her cope with her experience. When the time was right, she confided her mother, and told her what had happened while she was kidnapped.

Years went by, and finally she managed to step out of her parent’s apartment to venture the world. Coming across an ad at a flower shop, she decides to work as a florist. She manages to find some peace as she makes bouquets of flowers for others to give it to one another. As she works as a florist, her mental health becomes stronger and she slowly becomes her old self again.

[wandering4ever]

.

the more i look into demiboy, the more and more and more choked up i get because it feels right.

it feels fucking right.

it is fucking clicking and it just. feels. right. i cant help but keep saying that because i’m on the verge of tears.

even when i found agender, my reaction wasnt this strong. it was a sense of relief, a sense of ‘ah, yes, that works.’ but it didn’t click. it didnt feel right.

i’m literally trying so hard not to cry because i’m getting so happy. i’m reading into demiboy because i was so afraid that the fact i strongly prefer they/them pronouns would discount everything about the fact i feel more masculine then feminine 90% of the time.

but i’m finding over and over and over again so many other people who identify as demiboy or demigirl or demianything, that use they/them. 

i just want to scream because i have never in my life found a term that felt right. this term feels right. it feels, fucking, right.

i dont even know how to describe it. because (tmi paragraph so slashing through) i’ve also been afraid i couldn’t say demiboy when ever since puberty, i’ve always wanted a dick. which. i know it sounds so incredibly strange and i KNOW it’s tmi. but it’s so hard to explain. the best i can is that there are times where.. it literally feels like i should have a dick. phantom dick. it isnt just that i detest my genitals its the fact that i literally feel like i have a dick, should have a dick, and shit like that.. ...

 ive just been afraid that because of this, maybe i am trans. i know technically i fall under that umbrella because of definitely being NB. and i’m not trying to make it sound bad. but calling myself trans feels wrong. yes, i prefer ‘he’ pronouns over ‘she.’ yes, i infinitely prefer presenting androgynous or male. and yes, most days, if you asked me if i felt more like a ‘man’ or a ‘woman,’ i would not hesitate to say ‘man.’ 

but it just.... i dont know. maybe it’s the internalized fact that i feel like i dont... ‘pass the test’ to ‘have the right’ to even use trans as the umbrella i fall under. sure, as i kid when i mistaken as a boy i was over the fucking moon and back. sure, i have detested dresses since forever, and detested 90% of ‘girly’ things. sure, my gender dysphoria is 99% of the time out the fucking roof to the point i’m usually only three minutes away from taking a knife to myself.  but it still just doesnt feel right.

demiboy does.

i’m going to keep looking into this. i’ve been afraid to because whenever i look into gender things, i throw myself into an anxiety attack. and i can still feel one right now. but i think right now... it isnt happening because currently my gender is quite very firmly in ‘male’ territory. i’m wearing my tightest sports bra to smash my chest as flat as possible, i’m wearing one of my men’s tank tops, and wearing ‘boxers’ (boy briefs that are still meant for women.. but still).  not to mention earlier tonight when my grandfather randomly stood up, walked over, and rubbed at my upper lip (to which i was like ‘yes?? i have a pimple right now can i help you??) and he responded with ‘oh sorry i thought maybe you had a mustache’ i was the opposite of upset about this. i was almost excited. (which was quickly followed by shame because family stuff etcetc BUT WHATEVER)

the point of this sudden spew is that i’m so so so happy that i think i have found a term that honestly.. is me. agender still feels partially correct, but demiboy just.... just fits. agender is like the pair of jeans that you know are comfortable but still occasionally squeeze too tight, demiboy is like the pair of pajama pants that feels amazing because theyre loose and you can breathe and everything is just comfortable.

....

TLDR;; Nik is excited because they think Demiboy is the correct term for their gender. Nik also is trying to work up the courage to tell accepting friends to begin using ‘they/them’ instead of ‘she/her’